How to Deal With Narcissistic Mothers During the Holidays

Updated on January 3, 2020
Pamela David profile image

Pamela holds a Bachelor's of Arts in Sociology and Psychology and Master's in Public Health. She was raised by a mother with BPD.

When the Holidays are a Nightmare

The holiday season is supposed to be a time filled with joy and laughter. It is a time when families gather to share a meal, possibly gifts, good conversation, and generally enjoy being with one another. For healthy families, this can very much be a reality during the holiday season. Unfortunately, the holidays can be a land mind of extreme emotional outburst, yelling, and outright chaos for those who have a narcissistic or borderline mother. Nothing the child can do (whether they are an adult or not) will ever be good enough for their mother during the holidays.

As the daughter of a borderline mother, the holiday dread started, for me, somewhere in mid October and did not end until well into the New Year. Gifts always came with a string attached. During large holiday family meals, my behavior, no matter how perfect, was never good enough. And the world pretty much ended if I even hinted I wanted to see my father as was indicated in the parenting plan my divorced parents had agreed to follow.

Children of narcissistic and borderline mothers experience very difficult holidays and that difficulty extends into adulthood. This article discusses the difficulties adult children face of narcissistic and borderline mothers face during the holidays.

Old childhood patterns emerge when returning home for the holidays.
Old childhood patterns emerge when returning home for the holidays. | Source

Going Home to the Chaos

For some adult children, the right choice is to continue to be involved with the family for the holidays. This may be due to younger siblings who still live at home, wanting to see extended family members, such as grandparents, or still living in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt).

When adult children return home for the holidays, they often find old family patterns re-emerge. The golden child is once more the golden child. The scapegoat returns to the role of scapegoat. The puppet master behind all the chaos is one again the mother with a personality disorder.

Sarah, daughter of a mother with narcissistic personality disorder explains why she still chooses to go home for the holidays and what that means for her holiday celebration.

"I still go home every year for Thanksgiving. It's the only time I get to see my grandmother. I'm also afraid if I completely cut my mother off I won't ever get to speak to my siblings again. We are all grown and out of the house but she still plays us off each other. If I were to cut her off she would go on a smear campaign, telling my siblings so many awful things about me."

Going Home

"I'm also afraid if I completely cut my mother off I won't ever get to speak to my siblings again."

When an Adult Child Chooses No Contact

One way to deal with toxic mothers during the holidays is to cease any and all contact. Although typically seen as an extreme measure, it can be the best choice for some people. Many times this is a difficult decision for the child and often brings feelings of guilt, shame, and anger.

One group of researchers decided to examine reasons why adult children choose not to have a relationship with their parents. Although the study examined why parent/child relationships ended from both the perspective of parents and adult children, the results from the study suggest adult children typically end their relationships with parents for two reasons. The first was due to parental toxic behavior and the second was because the adult children felt unsupported or unaccepted by their parents. Interestingly, in this study, parents more often reported they were not aware of why their children were estranged.

As every child of a narcissistic or borderline mothers knows, of course the parent would be unaware of why their children chose estrangement. Those of us who have survived such mothers know they truly believe they are amazing and wonderful mothers who raised their children in homes full of love. Mothers with narcissistic or borderline personality disorder are more likely to rewrite history to exclude the abuse they inflicted on their children.

Leslie's mother has borderline personality disorder. Unlike Sarah, she decided to stop speaking to her mother after she had children of her own. When asked why she stopped speaking to her mother and what that meant for her holidays, she said:

"A holiday (and really a life) free of stress and tension, wondering what bullshit my 'mother' will do and ensuing sob and guilting story of her need for money, attention, pity, yet again...it is priceless. Nothing was ever enough and I got tired of being the emotional and financial ATM. The cycle had to break not just for my kids, but for me as well. She already destroyed my relationship with most of my siblings."


Staying Away

"The cycle had to break not just for my kids, but for me as well. She already destroyed my relationship with most of my siblings."

Resources for Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents

Source

There are many books available for daughters of narcissistic or borderline mothers but relatively fewer options for both men and women.

Out of the Fog--This is one of the best books on the market for men or women who are struggling in their relationship with a toxic parent (or any toxic person really). It helps people understand the fear, obligation, and guilt induced by a narcissistic person and how to heal from that abuse.

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents--This is another book that I personally have read, and re-read. It might not say narcissistic or borderline in the title or description, but "emotionally immature" are exactly what those types of mothers are. Their emotional development stops somewhere between toddler-hood and the early teen years.

References

Kristen Carr, Amanda Holman, Jenna Abetz, Jody Koenig Kellas & Elizabeth Vagnoni (2015) Giving Voice to the Silence of Family Estrangement: Comparing Reasons of Estranged Parents and Adult Children in a Nonmatched Sample, Journal of Family Communication, 15:2, 130-140, DOI: 10.1080/15267431.2015.1013106

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment
    • Gail Meyers profile image

      Gail Meyers 

      6 months ago from Johnson County, Kansas

      Hello Pamela. I enjoyed your article, and it is great to see more validating content available to adult daughters of narcissistic mothers during this stressful time of the year. Welcome to Hubpages!

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, pairedlife.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://maven.io/company/pages/privacy

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
    ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)