A long time ago, I had a stalker. He still pops up now and then. I like to think I can help others in the same situation.
Is your husband or boyfriend spying on you? If you suspect they are snooping, they probably are. What are the reasons a man might spy on his wife? What should you look out for, and how you can prevent someone from spying on you?
Reasons Why Your Husband Is Spying on You
- He suspects you of cheating.
- You’ve cheated in the past.
- You cheated on a previous partner.
- He is cheating.
- He needs to control you.
- He is addicted to spying.
- He’s a sociopath.
- He’s genuinely concerned for your well-being.
Signs of Spying
Your husband regularly questions you about your activities and the people you talk to. By this I mean he makes it nitpickingly obvious he not simply asking out of interest. It’s a regular occurrence and you feel like you are being interrogated.
He unerringly and creepily knows what you have been doing, the arrangements you make and where you’ve been. He mentions things that you know you haven’t told him. When you query how he knows, he flatly denies doing anything wrong and suggests that you are paranoid.
Your phone or computer displays odd activity, uses up more bandwidth than usual and needs frequent recharging.
You feel uncomfortable, as though you are being watched.
The Spying Sociopath
It turns out that many snoopers are sociopaths, or exhibit sociopath tendencies. One of the giveaways is that the sociopath is a total control freak. He will outright demand that you give him access to your devices and all your passwords. Of course he will convince you that it is only because he loves you and wants to keep you safe.
If you attempt to defend your privacy, he will make sure you know that you can’t hide from him. He’ll recount your conversations with obvious glee. He’ll turn up where you least expect him to. He may siphon money from your bank account. He’ll hack your Facebook and post messages that embarrass you or make you look like a fool.
He will want to know where you are, who you are with and why. It doesn’t work both ways though - he guards his own privacy with practiced determination.
Spying on You to Hide Their Own Guilt
Very often a man will monitor his wife’s activities in order to make sure she doesn’t discover his own infidelities. In this way he is able to make his arrangements around her schedule, ensuring that he doesn’t get caught. If he knows you are shopping with your sister, you’re unlikely to be home for a couple of hours. In any case he’ll know exactly when your car is heading home because he is using GPS to track its progress.
Check Your Home For Spy Cameras
It is ridiculously easy to hide cameras all around the home. Technology advancement means that the tiniest, pinhole camera can record and transmit clear images. The same with microphones. You can do a physical sweep - turn all the lights off and walk slowly around checking for tiny LEDs which will indicate that a device is active. Or you can purchase a reasonably inexpensive bug sweeper to help you track down the spying hardware.
Pay attention to:
- Light fittings and lamps
- Underside of furniture
- Dark spots or flecks on walls - could be the location of a pinhole camera
- Audio equipment, in particular speakers
- Ornaments, pictures and flowerpots - anything which is a semi-permanent decor item.
Check Your Car for Tracking Devices
To check your car for GPS tracking devices you will probably need a bug sweeper. It’s difficult to look into all the places where a tracking device may be hidden on a vehicle.
Places to check include:
- Glove compartment
- Nooks and crannies on the dash
- Under the dashboard
- Inside the bumper
- Anywhere there’s a gap in the bodywork
- Under/around the roof-rack
- Below the bodywork
- Under the hood/trunk.
Having said all that, there is almost no need for the snooper to go to all the trouble of installing and setting up cameras in your home and GPS tracking on your vehicle - all they need to do is take control of your computer, tablet or phone’s camera and microphone, install keylogging software on your laptop, and install an app (which can be done remotely these days) on your phone. They don’t even have to be geeky to be able to do this. There are many spyware applications and devices available.
Preventing Phone Hacking and Tracking Spyware
- Always use a strong password or fingerprint recognition for your devices. Avoid pattern swiping - it’s easy to hack.
- Make sure no-one is looking over your shoulder when using a password.
- Take note of any strange coded messages. They can indicate that the phone is transmitting data or the app is updating itself.
- Increasing battery drainage may indicate data transmission.
- Install anti-virus software and regularly run a cleaning app.
- Set your phone to flight mode when not in use.
- If you are convinced your phone has been hacked then reset it to factory settings, making sure to back up all your contacts first.
The Social Media Stalker
Does your husband regularly hack into your social media sites? Social media is one of the snooper’s favorite methods of keeping tabs on you. Doesn’t matter how often you change your passwords, they keep doing it. Check out “Is it OK to Spy on Your Partner?” for ways to keep people out of your Facebook account.
How to Know If Your Partner Is Cheating Without Spying on Them
- Withdrawal. If your husband or wife withdraws from you and appears to be lost in their own thoughts. On its own, this is not a reason for divorce but added to some other behaviors will indicate that their mind is not on you.
- Sex becomes less frequent. Excuses seem hollow. S/he is glad when it’s over.
- They start hiding their phone… and cell phone bills. Alongside this, they spend more time texting and emailing. Their phone is their constant companion. Should it ring or sound a notification, they are on it as fast as a rat up a drainpipe. If you reach for the phone they are visibly on edge.
- When you challenge them, they become angry. Not escalating irritation, but full-on angry.
- They are frequently late home. They are not always where they say they’re going to be.
- You feel that something has changed between you.
It’s important to remember that these signs are not certain indicators that there is a third person in your marriage. There could be any number of reasons why your spouse is acting differently. Anything from a health concern to planning a surprise birthday treat may be at the root of a sudden change in behavior.
The key is to open a conversation about why you are worried. Put the emphasis on you rather than on your partner. Their reaction will often be a big clue as to what is going on. If your spouse is eager to reassure you, they may offer you their passwords so you can put your own mind at rest by checking their internet and phone activity. Remember that spying on them without their permission is a violation of their privacy.
Share Your Experience
Have you ever been tracked by your husband or wife? Did you confront them? Did your marriage survive the experience? Please tell us anonymously in the comments below.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
Questions & Answers
Question: How does my husband know everything I talk about at home?
Answer: He has either placed a listening/recording device in your home, or more likely has installed a listening app on your phone.
Question: What does it mean when your husband tracks your every move every minute of the day?
Answer: It means he has to control you. It means he doesn't trust you. And it means he doesn't respect you as a person. Time to leave him, I would say.
Question: How do I stop my husband and family from spying on me?
Answer: Short answer: divorce him. Separating from someone like this is the only way to safeguard your privacy and prevent him from wrecking you like this.
Question: I have an ex who put cameras in my home. He cloned our phones and a lot of other stuff. I found two cameras in smoke detectors. My son and I get major headaches and my EMF is at a very high level causing us to be sick. Any advice on how to get rid of it? Something has to be drawing power but even with RF detector I can’t locate it. It's been going on for three years.
Answer: Perhaps you could ask a local security firm to 'clean' your home? It will need to be a company (or person) who understands the issues you've had to deal with. They will have more powerful equipment and may also be able to advise you on ongoing measures to protect your home and family.
Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on February 26, 2019:
Thank you for sharing your experience, Mindy. I hope your situation is resolved in due course. They usually let go when another relationship comes along. I'm sure you know about 'gray rock'.
Mindy on February 25, 2019:
Hi. My partner of 10 years knew what I wore, what I ate, conversations Ive had, sexual things of a private nature, about emails, etc, etc. When I ask him how he knows these things he gets very angry. On one occasion having me commited to a mental health hospital for delusions. My laptop and phone have been hacked. He rings people and tells them things like, Im on drugs or Im off my meds. All of which are lies. I have ceased contact with him but he still moniters me. My home is constantly damaged. I suspect he is pulling things apart to see if he is being filmed. Ironically this is the exact thing he is doing to me. And so it goes on. He cant seem to let go. I hope this helps others to know that they are not alone. Carries Place may be able to help. M.
Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on February 15, 2018:
Hi Patricia, if you suspect your bf is spying on you, then it sounds like a relationship you don't want to be in. Meanwhile: https://turbofuture.com/consumer-electronics/How-t... might help you.
Patricia on February 14, 2018:
I'm a mother 32 years old moved in with my boyfriend like 7 months ago I don't even feel comfortable in my own home I feel like I'm being watched my every move and even when I lay in my son's room I feel there is a camera watching me.it's getting to the point I wanna just cry and kinda scared.what should i do? Who can help me find where these cameras are.
Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on October 16, 2017:
Why is he still your boyfriend, Elena?
Elena on October 15, 2017:
My boyfriend spies on me. I think this is disgusting because he doesn't respect me .
Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on August 05, 2017:
Oh Stacy, I feel for you. Why do some people have so little confidence that they have to control others to boost their own self-esteem? How long will you put up with this?
Stacy on August 04, 2017:
My husband tries to control everything I do. He limits my internet access, he goes through my drawers and purse. I wish I'd given him a reason to, because then it would be understandable. I found out recently that he was telling the male half of couples we are friends with, that I have mental issues. Wish I had that too because maybe I wouldn't have a cold feeling in my gut. When I told him I couldn't take it anymore, he said that if I left he would make sure to protect himself!!!???I can't describe what it is like to be interrogated where I go, who did I talk to, and forget about using a debt care because he tracks that to. Then comes home and asks,so what did you buy at this(name) store. Finally, he has his brother relay Facebook posts back to him. I've very careful what I post, but evidently you can read stuff into anything. If I unfriendly his brother that will open another can of worms.....
Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on April 06, 2017:
Thanks so much for sharing your experience, Jane. I do hope you manage to get this sorted out.
Jane on April 06, 2017:
My husband says on me. I have never in my life been unfaithful and never will be. He records conversations I have them tells me I "butt dialed him". (When i know for a fact its not always the case) It is always, conveniently, when I am talking about him, and at times those conversations have been taken out of context and caused fights between us, me being the offender for talking about him behind his back. All this has done is actually caused anxiety in me and made me feel farther away from him. It had decreased me sexual desire for him and caused me to withdraw emotionally. I've tried to express my feelings about this but his behavior hasn't changed, and he certainly doesn't give me access to any of his accounts and passwords, let alone let me track him or record his conversations. Now I exhibit the same signs as a cheating spouse when I would never dream of being unfaithful. I own my part in some of the conversations I had while venting to a girlfriend in total confidence. I pray this gets read by anyone deciding to spy on their spouse, and they think long and hard about what kind of relationship ship they want. An action like this can cause you to lose someone you don't want to lose. Ask yourself if it's really worth it.
Ashi on March 12, 2017:
Very nicely written hub. I am surprised to read this that such things are happening in real life.
You have penned down good tricks and secrets to know that he/she is spaying on you.
Thanks for sharing :)
Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on March 07, 2017:
Thank you, Sakina. We all need our privacy. X
Sakina Nasir from Kuwait on March 07, 2017:
Great hub once again Bev! :) It's written so neatly. People will find your hub very useful.
Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on March 05, 2017:
Right on all counts, dashingscorpio. Thanks for your input.
Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on March 05, 2017:
Thanks so much, Jamal. Appreciated.
Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on March 05, 2017:
Yes, and it's becoming extremely common, beckerry :(
dashingscorpio from Chicago on March 05, 2017:
Under the category of : Reasons Why Your Husband is Spying on You
I would add: (You changed) in behavior towards him or your habits.
People often become suspicious when their mate (suddenly) starts or stops doing things. They want to know what motivated the changes.
Suddenly you're working later more frequently, have a newfound interest in getting fit and spending more time at they gym, there's now a long delay in returning phone calls or replying to text messages...etc.
Out of the blue there's one night per week dedicated to "Girl's night out" or "Boy's night out" or a "Weekend getaway with the girls/boys..etc"
Any CHANGES raises suspicion!
And if your mate dislikes or hates the change snooping on you is more likely.
Ironically the tips for "Preventing Phone Hacking and Tracking Spyware" usually raise even more suspicion that one's mate is "hiding something". They may notice he/she always turns off their cell phone or never leaves it laying around. The history browser on their laptop is always cleaned out and whenever you walk into a room they either close the laptop or switch to another website page.
On the one hand everyone loves to hear someone say:
"I'm a (open book) and have nothing to hide."
However the reality is everyone wants some measure of privacy in their lives. No one for example wants their mate or spouse opening up their mail. Reading one's email is equivalent to opening up snail mail.
No one wants another person listening in on a personal conversation even it they're just talking to their mother.
Stalker behavior either angers people or frightens them. Neither reaction is good for maintaining a healthy relationship.
Jamal Aidani on March 05, 2017:
I have published this article on my Facebook page. Such a great article. Keep writing !!
Becky from England on March 05, 2017:
Its terrifying to think that this sort of thing can happen