Jorge's relationship advice is based on experience and observation. Let his trial and error be your success (hopefully).
Who Is My Boyfriend Texting?
A lot of young women are overly concerned with what their boyfriends are doing on their phones. It's fairly normal to have some degree of insecurity, especially if you have been hurt in the past, but there are times when jealousy can get obsessive.
Having said that, sometimes your gut feeling is there for a reason. Have you discovered that your boyfriend is texting another girl? Did you look over his shoulder and notice that there was a girl's name as the recipient? Did you snoop through his phone and see that he's been talking to another woman? Or are you just very suspicious of his actions?
Signs He's Talking to Another Girl
If you are concerned that your boyfriend may be texting other girls, there are some clear signs to look for in his behavior.
He acts super protective with his phone.
This is a big one because it means he is not comfortable with you looking at his phone. If you try to look something up, he immediately snatches it away, or he is showing you a picture on his phone, and he will keep his hands on it. The fact that he is so insecure about giving up his phone to you is a sign that something is up.
He randomly stops talking to you and acts flaky.
It is concerning if he just drops plans he made with you, or you two are in a text conversation, and he randomly stops replying to you. While it may not mean anything if he continues to have this pattern of behavior, it could be a sign of something deeper going on.
He is always texting someone when you're together.
While it is hard to pry anyone away from their phone in this day and age, if your boyfriend is constantly texting someone every single time you two are spending time together, that could mean he is texting another girl. This type of behavior could be even more telling if he is not texting you very much. The fact that he is constantly texting on his phone means he's capable of texting you more frequently; he just chooses not to.
He gets shifty when asked certain questions.
If he tightens up and gives you one-word answers when you ask him what he did last weekend or what his plans are for later in the week, that could mean he is hiding something from you. Especially if he suddenly started acting this way.
What to Do If You Think Your Boyfriend Is Texting Another Girl
If you still believe that your boyfriend is texting other girls, here are some steps to follow:
- Find out his innocence (or guilt).
- Consider how much you trust his word.
- Think about if you can forgive him if he's not innocent.
- Ask mutual friends for advice.
- Resist the urge to explode at him.
1. Try to Figure Out If He's Innocent
Just because your boyfriend is texting another girl doesn't mean that he's automatically cheating. If you don't know exactly who the girl is, it's possible that she could have some kind of family relationship with him. Maybe they are friends or coworkers and are discussing completely normal subjects.
Since you're the one who invaded his privacy (and you really shouldn't have), the burden is on you to prove that he's doing anything wrong. If the texts don't seem racy or anything, there's no reason to assume the worst.
Ask him about it. If you've been with him for any period of time, you should be able to tell if he's panicking or lying—unless he's very good at deceiving you. Be honest with him and tell him why you're asking. Don't beat around the bush. Let him know that you feel insecure and that you need some kind of reassurance that he's not trading naked selfies with some other girl.
2. Consider How Much You Trust Him
If your boyfriend has told you that his texting is completely innocent, and you still don't believe him, this speaks volumes. You can't be in a relationship with someone that you don't trust—at least not a relationship that is actually worth it.
If you're going to have to constantly look over your boyfriend's shoulder as he texts his friends, just to make sure that no flirtations are going on, then you should probably reconsider the relationship. No matter what you may have experienced in the past, paranoia is not normal in a relationship.
If you're paranoid and jealous because he has shown himself to be untrustworthy before, either trust him or dump him. If it's because of your own insecurities, discuss the problem with him and think about possibly seeking outside help so that you can get over that kind of toxic mindset.
3. Think About Whether You Can Forgive Him If He's Not Innocent
You may be so caught up in trying to see who your boyfriend is texting that you forgot to think things all the way through: if it does turn out that your boyfriend is texting another girl in a flirtatious way, what will you do about it?
Can you really forgive him and learn to move on from it? Does it depend on the degree that your boyfriend was flirting with her? Does that even matter? Where do you draw the line?
Ask yourself all these questions before you waste too much mental and emotional energy in the situation. If you know for sure that you're the kind of person who could never get over your boyfriend texting another girl with lust on his mind, then what's the point in moving forward? Call your boyfriend and tell him it's over.
If you haven't yet concluded whether or not you think he's guilty of sending raunchy texts because the evidence is nil, this is still something worth considering. Decide what you're going to do now, because when the moment of confrontation comes, you may be too emotional to think clearly.
4. Ask Mutual Friends for Advice
If you happen to have caught the name of the girl he was texting, you may be able to ask around to see who she is. This might help you get closer to the truth, and you can also feel relief if it turns out to be his third cousin or something.
On the other hand, if your friends are warning you about your boyfriend and telling you that he is texting another girl with bad intentions, take their advice seriously. They can see the situation from an outside perspective, so they are likely to be more objective about it than you.
Ratting Him Out
5. Resist the Urge to Explode at Him
No matter what you end up finding out, try not to explode at him or yell. If your boyfriend has been texting another girl with the intent to cheat, then it's time to break it off, plain and simple. There's no need to make it dramatic. Trying to retaliate or hurt him will just make things worse, and the sooner you can get past this stage and out of the relationship, the better.
Is There a Chance to Salvage the Relationship?
If you're not in an open relationship and you find out that he's been seeing other women behind your back, it's going to be hard to rebuild that trust again. Some people can rebuild it, but this is a minority of couples.
It's probably best to just move on and try to learn from the relationship. What could you do next time to avoid dating someone who will cheat?
It might hurt now to realize that someone you trusted completely disregarded you, but it's better that you found out now rather than years down the line. The sooner he shows his true colors, the better. In a sense, you could say that your boyfriend did you a favor by texting another girl and getting caught.
Signs Your Boyfriend Is Cheating on You
While we all do not want to believe it, there are some instances where your boyfriend is cheating on you with another woman. If this is the case, there will be some telltale signs that he will give off that will clue you into his infidelity.
- Need for privacy and secrecy: If he refuses to answer your questions and talks about how he needs privacy and alone time constantly, that could mean he is seeing someone else, and he does not want you to find out.
- Picks fights: While arguments happen, it is a concerning sign if your boyfriend starts picking fights with you, especially if they are over trivial things. His combative stance is a sign that there is something going on that is causing him to lash out at you.
- Lies to you: This is a big red flag. If you discover he has been lying to you, that means he does not trust you, and it is likely that he has been lying about other things as well.
- Stops being intimate with you: If he stops having intimate moments with you and rejects your advances, that is a big sign that he does not find you as attractive as he did before. While it does not automatically mean he is cheating on you, a sudden drop off in intimate moments is alarming.
- Accuses you of cheating: Your boyfriend may be looking for a way out of the relationship, which could cause him to accuse you of cheating. Instead of owning up to his mistakes, he tries to pin it on you.
My Boyfriend Is Texting His Ex! What Do I Do?
If you find out that it's his ex that he's been talking to, then this is a more complicated situation. This is someone who he had a romantic connection with in the past, after all. Depending on how things ended, he might be tempted to rekindle the flame.
Some people can be friends with their former partners, and some people can't. If your boyfriend seems mature enough that he would be able to maintain a normal friendship with his ex, then you probably don't need to worry about it unless there are obvious signs that he's trying to get back with her.
On the other hand, if you know that your boyfriend still carries a torch for his old girlfriend, then you might want to have a serious discussion with him. Tell him that you feel uncomfortable with the exchanges. If he cares about your relationship, he'll at least listen.
What About Yourself?
Boyfriend Texting Another Girl? When You're Not Sure
Of course, there are also those instances where you might not be sure in the first place whether your boyfriend is texting another woman or not. You might have no idea who he's texting, but you just have a gut feeling that it's another girl.
In times like these when you might be tempted to see who your boyfriend is texting by snooping through his contacts and text threads, you need to apply some self-control. Spying on your boyfriend is a bad idea.
It means that you are invading his privacy and that you don't trust him at all. If he's done nothing to deserve this distrust, you shouldn't be snooping. And as we discussed before, if he has earned your distrust by being shady in the past, then you might consider dumping him and finding someone who won't betray you.
What to Do If Your Boyfriend Is Lying to You
Lying to your significant other is a serious problem, and if your boyfriend has not been telling you the truth, there are some steps you have to take. Putting up with lying in a relationship is not healthy.
Calmly confront him about why he has been lying. Don't appear angry, just be upfront and direct.
Make it clear that you do not tolerate being lied to.
Tell him as clearly and plainly as possible that you will not be lied to and that by lying to you, he has significantly damaged the relationship.
Talk about the reasons why he lied.
Have an honest conversation with him where the two of you go over the reasons that made him lie to you. It is then up to you to decide if you believe the reasons he has given you and whether or not you want to forgive him.
Look at the context of the lie.
Take a look at the context surrounding the lie: was he trying to protect you? Or was he trying to get away with doing something very wrong? Examine how his lies fit into the greater context of your relationship.
Walk away from the relationship.
Depending on the level of severity, you may have to be the one to decide to walk away and end the relationship. Breaking someone's trust is a major violation, and it is hard to repair that.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
Questions & Answers
Question: I recently found out that my boyfriend is on a dating site. He has been messaging girls and having conversations on the regular. He says he’s single and that he would love to take them out. I’m pretty sure this hasn’t happened yet. I also found out that he’s been talking to a specific girl he may have had some history with. They talk almost every day. She sends him pictures of herself. He is aware I have found out, and I’m meeting with him tonight to talk. What are some questions I need to ask?
Answer: There's no need to ask questions in a case like that. Except maybe, "So, did you leave any stuff at my place? 'Cause you should take it now."
Question: My boyfriend is talking with other girls, and when I asked him, he refused to tell me. Now he wants a time gap in our relationship. What should I do?
Answer: You say, "Oh, you want to break up? Yeah, I totally understand." No point in arguing over it. If he comes back to you, he will on his own.
Question: Is it okay for me to get mad if my boyfriend is calling some girl "bae" and saying he loves her?
Answer: You don't need anybody's permission to get mad; but there's no real point in being mad. Getting mad won't change the fact that he's been trying to woo some other girl. If cheating bothers you, I suggest considering a breakup.
Question: I found out that my boyfriend has been messaging another girl on Kik, telling her that he lives and sleeps alone when clearly we live together and we do sleep in the same bed. He even asked her if he could live with her. Is this a sign that I should be very worried? How should I approach the subject?
Answer: You can approach the subject by breaking up with him. Clearly, he either intends on leaving and didn't have the courage to inform you, or else he was intending on stringing this other girl along and cheating. Every situation is different, but if he was doing that, it's going to take A LOT of energy to rebuild trust again (from the both of you), and even then you'll probably always be a little suspicious of him. Is this the kind of relationship you really want?
Question: I found out that my boyfriend is on a dating site, and started to message this one girl. The conversation lasted about two days, and when they were going to meet, he flaked out. This conversation happened over a month ago, and I don't know what to do from here on out. We live together and have bills together. What do I do?
Answer: Well, it depends on whether or not you're willing to forgive him for trying to cheat. How do you know he "flaked out"? Did he tell you that? He may have flaked, but flaking is common with online dating, especially if he needs more time to get over his guilt.
The fact of the matter is that he was seriously considering cheating on you, to the point where he contacted someone to do it with. Next time, he might not flake. Are you okay with that?
Maybe you live together, and maybe you have bills together, but is that really a good reason to stay with someone who cheats? If you're okay with his cheating, then that's a different story, but clearly, you're not, or else you wouldn't be asking about this.
After knowing that he tried to cheat, can you really be 100% committed to this relationship ever again? Can you move on without that doubt always creeping around in the back of your mind? Can you 100% forgive him?
If the answer is "no," then I would say you should break up. A relationship where you can't trust the other person will just lead to endless cycles of paranoia. Why waste your time on something you're not completely committed to?
Question: My boyfriend has been texting his co-worker, and she sent him something stating her desire for sex. I haven’t confronted him yet. How do I start it off?
Answer: It may be hard, but try to keep your emotions in check and present him simply with the facts. Tell him that you know what his co-worker said and that it concerns you.
If this woman already intends to jump into bed with him, they've probably done other stuff already. Usually, people don't just say, "Hey, wanna do it?" just out of the blue. There's stuff leading up to it. In other words, he may have already cheated.
Ask him about it. If he gets angry, it might be justified if you violated his privacy to read the text. Still, try to keep things on topic if you can, no matter how much he tries to change the subject.
This may sound crazy, but try not to be judgmental or accusatory. Just listen to what he has to say, and he's more likely to just come out with the truth. You can yell and get excited later, but right now you just want to know the truth, so show him that he doesn't need to be defensive about it.
You can say something like, "Hey, I know that sometimes temptation can be hard to resist, but have you been seeing this lady? It's okay. I just want the truth. It's normal to be attracted to other people sometimes, but it's hard to have a relationship if we're not honest with each other, right?"
That kind of thing. Once you get the truth out of him, then you can do what you like with it. I would say to break up with a cheater, but that's up to you.
Question: My boyfriend wants more kids with another woman because I can't have any. Is that selfish of him?
Answer: It's not about being selfish; it's more about each person's individual goals and desires. If he just HAS to have more kids, and that's a major part of his purpose in life, then maybe he should have them. Are you okay with that?
There's no reason why we have to follow society's rigid standards on this. There's nothing inherently wrong with him having kids with another woman, as long as you're okay with it.
Or have you considered adopting children together? That's also possible.
Have a conversation with him about it. Instead of focusing on whether something is selfish or not (when it comes to either of your desires), try to make a plan so that everyone is happy and has all their needs met.
If there's no way to do that and you would never be happy with him impregnating another woman, then maybe you need to think about breaking up.
© 2017 Jorge Vamos