Shirley is a published author from Michigan who enjoys studying the psychology of relationships. She is married and has two grown sons.
Healing the Open Wound
You've found out that your significant other has cheated, and you've taken a direct hit to your self-esteem. After the shock has worn off, one of most painful after-effects is feeling as if you're not attractive, intelligent, or interesting. Now, your self-confidence (that was in good shape the day before the discovery) is now shattered. But, you can and will feel whole again. Remember that you're the same amazing person now that you were before the discovery of the affair. And, with extra self-care, you'll be back in good shape again. Some work on your ego is definitely in order. With these simple tips, you'll be looking in the mirror and smiling at the awesome person who overcame this painful bump in the road like a champion.
How to Rebuild Your Self-Esteem After Being Cheated on
- Remember that you're not alone.
- Stop your inner critic.
- Know that it probably had nothing to do with you (really).
- Give it time.
- Love yourself the way you are.
- Think constructively and neutralize the negatives.
- Remember that the other person isn't perfect either.
- Give your courage a workout and take a risk.
- Help someone.
- Chin up and shoulders straight for a boost of self-confidence!
- Get moving!
- Write about your achievements.
- Talk positively about someone every day.
- Lastly, turn up the volume!
Step 1: Remember That You're Not Alone.
Finding out that your partner cheated can make you feel rejected and isolated, but you're definitely not, and the statistics show that you'd be hard-pressed to find anyone who hasn't been cheated on. Just knowing this may give you some type of comfort because you're one in millions of people across the world who are dealing with this situation everyday. Surprisingly, the numbers also show that both men and women run neck in neck with regards to infidelity:
- Men and women both play the cheating game, with 57% of men admitting to infidelity and 54% of women admitting to the same.
- 74% of men and 68% if women say yes, they would have an affair if they knew they'd never get caught.
- Amazingly, 56% of men and 34% of women say they'd cheat even thought they're happy in their current relationships.
- There's no direct link between being unhappy in a marriage and cheating.
- The tendency to cheat may be genetic, and is linked to alcoholism, and gambling.
- 41% of marriages have either partner admitting they cheated emotionally or physically.
- 30% to 60% of married individual admitted to cheating, but that number may be low considering the fact that the very nature of infidelity is to be dishonest, and some people will be deceitful in studies conducted about being deceitful.
Step 2: Stop Your Inner Critic.
Unfortunately, everyone has an inner critic, and it can say the most brutal things when you're at your lowest. You may not even notice when your critic starts talking because you've gotten used to the constant, negative background noise as you go about your day. Thoughts like; "I'm ugly," "I'm fat,' and "I'm no good," are your inner-critic's voice, and it'll keep with the same, ugly talk until you put a stop to it. Take these steps to put an end to it and take your precious self-esteem back:
- As soon as you realize the negative talk has started, mentally yell "Stop!" Then make a concentrated effort to shift your focus onto something positive like; "I'm going to have a great time at the party next week!" Another line of thinking could be a reward-based thought; like, "I've worked so hard all week and I loved those silk pajamas I saw at the store, I'll buy them tonight because I deserve it!" Make a habit of taking notice when the put-downs start and you'll be on your way to ending the negative criticism all together.
- Give the bully a fitting name; refuse to sit quietly and listen when you hear the hate-speech start by rolling your eyes and saying, "Oh, it's Big-Mouth again," or "Here goes the Jerk yet again." Putting the mental-demon in it's place with an appropriate name will give you a feeling of control and eventually make the critic throw his hands up and go away.
Step 3: Know That It Probably Had Nothing to Do With You (Really).
The tendency to ask yourself 'Why?' and desperately look to yourself for the answers is common among people who've been cheated on. Many times, the injured partner will reason that it's somehow their fault; "If only I looked different," "If only I had more money," or "If only I had acted differently." Being vulnerable and picking yourself apart to find answers will damage your self-esteem even more, when the truth is, there's no rhyme or reason for infidelity. Beautiful, successful people like Jennifer Aniston, Halle Berry, and supermodel Christie Brinkley have all reportedly been cheated on. And people that you come in contact with every day; your ultra-confident boss, your friendly bank teller, the supermarket clerk with the perfect figure and your neighbor with the best social skills could be going through relationship infidelity. When you stand back and look at the commonality of cheating in relationships, you'll see that cheaters will cheat; they'll cheat on anyone, no matter what their significant other looks like, what their employment status is or what they did or didn't do in the relationship. You're okay the way you are, and the chance that the cheating didn't have anything to do with you is extremely high.
Step 4: Give It Time.
It's difficult to feel any relief from the intense pain of being cheated on you until some time has passed. To help you get some perspective, think back to any past relationships that have ended - no matter the reason - and the tremendous heartache you felt at the time. Do you still feel the same devastation and pain? Although you still might feel some twinge of pain, it's probably not the anguish you felt at that time. The cliche that 'time heals all wounds' is fairly accurate, and when that time is spent giving yourself extra self-care, the heartache you're in now will eventually ease up; just like all the other heartaches you've recovered from in your life. Trust in your heart's ability to recover in it's own time, take a deep breath, and begin the process of recovery with baby steps.
Step 5: Love Yourself the Way You Are.
After finding out your partner has cheated on you, you might start noticing all of your mistakes and faults more, even ones that aren't real. Suddenly you may feel that your hair is too curly, your hips too big, or your nose is too small. Don't get caught up in the trap of the disillusionment; it's self-destructive and provides nothing for your healing process. You might also think that everyone see and judges little mistakes you make like forgetting someone's name or making a mistake at work, and suddenly you feel even more insecure. Give yourself some slack and realize that at the end of the day, your uniqueness and beauty are all your own, and no one can take that from you.
Step 6: Think Constructively and Neutralize the Negatives.
Magnifying things you'd like to change about yourself and turning them into put-downs like; "I'm fat," or "I'm stupid," leads to more self-esteem damage that you can't possible benefit from. Categorize things that you'd like to improve and turn them into goals. Some examples are:
- Instead of "I'm fat," say, "I'm going to join that gym and lose five pounds by summer."
- Turn "I'm stupid," into "I going to enhance my computer skills by taking a computer class this fall."
- Make "I'm a slob," into "I'm going to organize my closet on Saturday."
- Instead of "I'm ugly," say "I'm going to pick out a new hairstyle and have it done next Friday."
- Be your own best friend - take "I can't do anything right," into "Really? That's a big statement from someone has a job, owns a home, helps support a charity and is an awesome cook!"
By neutralizing the negative talk, you'll not only get the critic off your back, but you'll get your mind on more constructive thoughts, get a realistic perspective on situations and gain more self-esteem when you achieve the goals you set for yourself.
Step 7: Remember That the Other Person Isn't Perfect Either.
Comparing yourself to the person your partner cheated on you with will only lead to feelings of inadequacy and frustration. It'll help to remember that what you think you see in the other person isn't really the truth at all; it's your low self-esteem and jealousy talking, and neither your partner, or anyone else that knows that person thinks that they're the perfect specimen of a human being. Don't waste your time thinking about them; think about healing yourself and making at least one good thing come out of situation; if not several good things, like some of the suggestions that follow.
Jealousy - The great exaggerator.
— Johann C. Schiller
Step 8: Give Your Courage a Workout and Take a Risk.
Do something that you'd like to do, but hesitated to do in the past (as long as no physical harm is possible). Whether you succeed or not isn't the point; it's the actual self-esteem that you'll get from having the courage to try something new and knowing that you did your best. You'll be surprised at the confidence-boost you'll get from having the courage to try something new, whether it be on the small scale or large scale. Some things you can think about doing are:
- Wear a bold color of shirt or outfit that you wouldn't normally wear
- Go out of your way to start a conversation with someone
- Go back to school or sign up for a class to learn a new language, a hobby or a new skill
- Try a slightly different hair color
- Take a hot-air balloon ride
- Go camping by yourself for the weekend
- Write a letter to the editor of your local newspaper about an issue that you feel passionate about
- Start a blog
- Take yourself out to dinner and a movie
Step 9: Help Someone.
Reach out and give of yourself in whatever capacity you can. Let someone who has fewer items than you do go ahead of you at the checkout; tell your coworker how much you love their hairstyle; donate to a charity, or spend a weekend morning working at the soup kitchen. When you do for others, (especially if they can't repay you) you raise your self-esteem and you feel valuable to the world and the people in it; giving you a sense of power and self-worth. And, who knows; you might form some valuable relationships along the way.
Step 10: Chin Up and Shoulders Straight for a Boost of Self-Confidence!
Straightening your posture creates chemical changes in your body that will give you an extra boost of self-esteem within three minutes!. When you physically make yourself larger by raising your chin, straightening your spine and bringing your shoulders back, you mentally feel bigger and more important. This position, called the 'power-pose', raises your testosterone (confidence hormone) level by 20% and lowers your cortisol (the anxiety hormone) levels by 25% - higher levels of testosterone and lower levels of cortisol leads to higher levels of self confidence. Give it a try right now and feel the power!
Step 11: Get Moving!
Exercising for just thirty minutes, three times a week can have a noticeable, positive impact on your self-confidence. Breaking a sweat for that little bit of time also causes the release of beta-endorphins (feel-good chemicals) and lowers those nasty cortisol levels (anxiety hormone) making you feel better in general. If you'd like to lose weight, your self-esteem will also increase when you lose those extra pounds, but the feel-good chemicals are released regardless of why you're exercising. The only variance is that aerobic exercise - especially when it's done with other people - tends to have more of an impact on self-esteem, possibly because of the emotional support from others. It doesn't even have to be a high-intensity workout; thirty minutes of moderate exercise will do the trick, and if you're already exercising, increasing your time by a few minutes will provide an added boost in self-esteem.
Step 12: Write About Your Achievements.
Get your pen and paper out and write down all of your accomplishments, big and small, for at least ten minutes a day. You can list everyday things, like "I finished painting the living room today" and the big, life-changing things, like "Bought my first home in 2014" Doing this will remind you that you that you have an important place in this world and also make you proud of all of your achievements, past and present.
Step 13: Talk Positively About Someone Every day.
The words you speak aren't 'just words,' they actually have an effect on your self-esteem and mood. Studies show that speaking well of someone will cause a 5% increase in your self-esteem, and speaking negatively about someone will cause a 34% increase in your negative feelings.
And that's not all: doctors have found that just one negative or positive word can have a positive or negative reaction in your brain. Also, just thinking (and focusing) on a positive word can cause physical changes in the brain; effecting the way you see yourself and the way you see those around you. More than enough reasons to speak, act and think in a positive way as much as possible!
Words - The most powerful drug used by mankind.
— Rudyard Kipling
Step 14: Lastly, Turn Up the Volume!
Have you ever noticed that the type of music that you're listening to has a direct effect on your mood? There's nothing wrong with listening to songs of heartbreak, and they may help you flush out some of your grief, but to get the feeling of overcoming no matter what the situation, listen to these to these uplifting songs:
- It's Not Right But It's Okay - Whitney Houston
- Fighter - Christina Aguilera
- Perfect - P!nk
- All Fired Up - Pat Benetar
- I'm Still Standing - Elton John
- Stronger - Kelly Clarkson
- Don't Stop - Fleetwood Mac
- Fighter - Christina Aguilera
- Higher Ground - Stevie Wonder
- Simply the Best - Tina Turner
- Roar - Katy Perry
- What Have You Done for Me Lately - Janet Jackson
- The Climb - Miley Cyrus
- Firework - Katy Perry
- Lose Yourself - Eminem
- We Will Rock You - Queen
- Girl on Fire - Alicia Keys
- I Won't Back Down - Tom Petty
- Uptown Funk - Mark Ronson featuring Bruno Mars
- Born This Way - Lady Gaga
- Control - Janet Jackson
- Baby I'm a Star - Prince
- Since You Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson
- Blow Me - P!nk
A safe kind of high.
— Jimi Hendrix
You Want to Give Your Partner Another Try? Here's What the Most Successful Relationships Have in Common:
- Being and speaking optimistically
- Getting out of the rut and having new experiences together
- Have sex 2 - 3 times a week
- Congratulating each other on victories, large and small
- Participating in activities that are outside of the relationship.
- Having friends and activities that are outside of the relationship
- Sharing chores
- Communicating constructively instead of playing the 'blame game'
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
Questions & Answers
Question: What do I do if I am still afraid that my partner will cheat again?
Answer: That's a valid question, and I've been through those feelings. I think marriage counseling is a good idea - if your partner will go. But, if your feelings are strong, to the point of being unhappy, you might want to consider breaking it off; so you can live your life without that fear.
Question: How can I forget the times my partner spoke with another partner on the phone behind my back?
Answer: If you're still with the cheating partner, you'll probably never forget it. They are there, with you all the time to remind you.
Question: He is constantly cheating, and we're set to wed in December. Is it too late to break it off? What should I do?
Answer: I don't know why anyone would want to marry someone who is constantly cheating, (they don't change after marriage) but, if it were me, I would cancel the wedding and get as far away from him as I could get! So, the answer to your question is: No! It's never too late!
Question: Since they are cheaters, should their outside friends be of the opposite sex?
Answer: Cheaters don't care about rules. They will cheat no matter what.
Question: Why did my partner have a woman's address and phone number hidden from me?
Answer: I think there's only one reason a partner would hide someone else's contact info from another partner; he didn't want you to see it for a very good reason.
Question: Is cheating ok?
Question: I cheated on my husband and made him believe he was crap. Now he knows that I cheated on him. How hurt is he? He doesn't talk to me anymore.
Answer: I would think that if he knows you cheated on him, and he doesn't speak to you anymore, that he's incredibly hurt, as anyone would be.
© 2017 Shirley Urso-Farmer
Have You Ever (Eventually) Been Glad that Your Past Relationship Didn't Work Out?
Steph on March 13, 2020:
My partner kissed a girl at a bar that wouldn’t leave him alone , how do I get over it
Crystal on September 07, 2019:
Hi! I loved this article!! Very helpful and optimistic. Filled me with hope for my own future as well as my relationship. I'm worried my partner does not want this relationship as much as me. He often chooses to party with his life long friends more than me even after admitting that he has cheated. Always a complicated situation. Thank you for your advice tho and I would be open to more.
Chhimi on June 28, 2019:
I have a cheating husband. He has many love affairs. His current love affair is running about four years now. What should I do now? I am heartbroken.
Cali on June 03, 2019:
Hi.. I just found your article and it was very helpful.. Pretty much used most of the advice except list of songs but still struggling with crying.. I found my husband cheated on me first after getting completely off his meds which made him hyper sexual and aggressive. He was like a different person. I had a hard time comprehend the change in him. But because I knew that I love and married a man who mentally unstable but who always took care of me and were there for me and my family and was a great friend I decided to work things out.. So for several years after that things were good .. Now after I become pregnant with child #2 I found out that he was cheating on me again. He said he was under stress and didn’t feel enough appreciation on my part . In addition, he needs something I do not like to do in bed and he told me that if I do not give him that is only natural that he will look for it elsewhere.. Like an idiot I decided to give my 100% and do anything and everything he wanted sexually throughout my pregnancy and post Partum.. We went on dates night outs weekly and had sex every other day at the minimum.. while on family vacation I found that he contacted lady he was cheated with a month after I gave birth and send her flowers and ask for sexy pictures he also texted an escort but I am not sure if he actually met anyone.. My dilemma now is that I feel like this is so disappointing and disrespectful and the trust he ruined is never coming back in one piece on one side but on the other side we have kids together and I did promise for better or for worse in sickness as well .. He wants another chance and saying that he is sex and love addict and I know he going to therapy and meetings trying to change his behavior and taking medication . But he want us to continue to have sex which I resent and this makes him mad and moody and he would yell and be in bad mood around kids.. So I gave up just to keep piece at home.. Some of my friends say that I should stay because he really good provider and they can see he loves me because he takes me nice places and buys me nice things and alway says he loves me and that I look good and so on.. but at the same time he can be rude and controlling.. I feel like I live with two men sometimes.. I do not see clearly anymore and do not know what to do.. If we didn’t have kids the answer will be easy . What the right thing to do?
Shirley Urso-Farmer (author) from Michigan on September 05, 2018:
That's true A Nony Mouse, they know what how to act in order to get what they want, but the moment they get upset or angry about something...watch out! Hell hath no fury like a angry narcissist!
A nony mouse on September 05, 2018:
Sadly, narcissists are generally difficult to spot, as they present the face that they want you to see until things are not going their way. Only then do they show their true colours.
Shirley Urso-Farmer (author) from Michigan on September 04, 2018:
Yes, A nony Mouse, I see you've been around the block a few times too, unfortunately. The only good news after having an experience with a narcissist is that afterwards, you can spot one 10,000 miles away.
Graczy17, A Nony Mouse is right on target, and proof that life goes on, and gets better, after leaving the man that's trashy enough to hurt you.
A nony mouse on September 03, 2018:
you say that your husband just wants people to like him, but this is at your expense. Let's face it, you like or liked him in the past, but this is patently not enough for him. If he has the insight into these problems, why would he not want to be an adult and take responsibility and seek appropriate help to resolve these issues? These are after all his issues to resolve not your's.
The reason that he does not stop his bad behaviour is that a) he knows that you have let him get away with it in the past and expects that on that form you will do the same in the future and b) sad to say he does not respect or love you, or he would not risk his relationship with you in the first place. Please don't be sad that I say this, but sorry to say the only person that he loves is himself, I can tell you this because everything you say tells me that this is a person whose actions are done soley, not to be nice, but to be perceived as nice to "buy" himself some sort of advantage in life. His actions are self serving. He will likely cause you some problems if you split up, but if you stay far enough under the radar he will charm his way into someone else's bed and will become their problem.
He sounds just like my ex-husband. All was fine until having been together 8 years we had a baby. Then all hell broke loose. We went to 3 different therapists. Number 1) allegedly bullied him (she didn't). Number 2) allegedly was flirting with me (unlikely). Number 3) realised that he would only engage on his terms and she got the furthest with him. He revealed that he had only ever said that he wanted children so that I would marry him and that is why he kept putting me off everytime I mentioned it. He hoped that I would simply get too old to have kids. Does that sound to you like he loved me? To cut a long story short he was controlling, manipulative and financially, physically, emotionally and sexually abusive. The therapist realised that there was no way that he would leave because I wanted him to go, but he would go if he thought the grass was greener on the other side. So she persuaded him that life might be much better with his mistress than with me. He left and I started divorce proceedings. The mistress soon had enough of him, so he pestered me and misbehaved throughout our divorce. His behaviour was so bad that I moved 126 miles away and the courts put a stop to his child contact.
Then in December 2015, the police turned up on my parents' doorstep, wanting to know if I was safe. What followed was a panicked 9pm 'phone call from my parents, who assumed that he had found and attacked me. I was instructed by the police to contact another area's force. Which I did. They wanted to know why I had in effect disappeared off the face of the earth. When I told them that it was because of the abuse that I had suffered at the hands of my ex, they wanted to know all about it. They said that 90% of what I described had happened to his new wife and that he had been arrested and charged. Unfortunately, she eventually retracted her statement and the matter never came to trial. I have no doubt that he treated her badly and that like you and I she was in no way deserving of his abuse. He has since moved jobs and house to a new area, where he is conveniently unknown and (according to social media) he is on the lookout for wife number 3.
My ex has a narcissistic personality disorder and he will always behave in this way. When he is found out, if his relationship falls apart he will move onto someone else, regardless of the emotional fall out for the person he leaves behind. Do yourself a favour and realise, it is not your job to "fix" him and that by tolerating his bad behaviour you are enabling him. The only thing that you can do for your own sanity is get away from this guy. Good luck
Shirley Urso-Farmer (author) from Michigan on August 29, 2018:
Please, please, please, Graczy17, call someone you trust, call your doctor, call the Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255, or, if you're in the States, call the emergency number; 911 and tell them that you've mentioned hurting yourself to me, or anyone else you've said that to, two times. This man is only trying to get you to feel sorry for him, and that's his excuse for the awful things he does to you. Don't believe it! He's just playing head games with you, and it seems to be working.
I, and many other people, have been in your shoes. The sooner you get away from him, the sooner you can begin to heal, But, don't do it by yourself! As I said before, please call someone and tell them you've thought about hurting yourself. It's not worth it, trust me! I survived a brutal relationship just like yours, and you will survive, too. Please don't hesitate to call someone or go to a friends house and talk about how you feel. The numbers that I listed above are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Please make that call!
Also, I would be so happy if you would let me know how you're doing after you've reached out for help, so please, get back with me!
Graczy17 on August 29, 2018:
@Ms.Urso-Farmer, he had conversation with his friend and he told him how unhappy he is in his life from young age because growing up people always think he is just a small person and think his a failure. He admitted this to me when the first time he cheated on me. So I been very supportive with him and never let go. I do too never had a good example in my family. I made a mistakes few times in my life but learned from it and always look ahead and wanted to change and be a better person but he isn’t. Now he used this excused to us when he did something horrible. He always wanted other people to like him who he isn’t so he treat them better than me, his family and friends he knows. He never listen to everyone except himself. He think everything he says or does is only matter, never accept others opinion. We explained to him about that but nothing change.
I talked to him I asked him if this is what he really want in his life. He admitted to me after 15yrs together maybe he don’t really want a married life in a first place. Maybe he just want to be single. He said maybe when we separated he will care about me and give me more attention than now I’m his wife. I can’t understand how he become so selfish telling me about this. How someone you love can make you feel horrible and worthless. I really wanted to hate him so much but I really don’t know why I can’t and still love him and want to give him a chance which I know he can’t.
I feel pity for him because as I mentioned he always wanted someone to like him so he always represent to other people what he isn’t. (Ex., when he go out with friends or his colleagues, he will pay for them everything which it seems he has no problem with it, but when he come home he will tell me that he paid for this amount just for lunch and how expensive it is and he has no money and his colleagues don’t take initiative to pay him back which is not the real story. They will split the bill for him but he don’t want to accept it). He is this kind of people. He always show off but after he will complained.
He never take responsibility to his action always other people is bad and wrong. Nowadays what I see him, he become more negative. He sees everyone so bad and doing wrong things even people who talking inside the bus he got angry and complained his not happy because he can’t rest because of the noise.
For me, I’m still struggling but I’m trying to find myself again. I used to be a happy and positive person even I grow up dealing with my life hardships but now since all this happening to our marriage and felt helpless I become so angry and miserable and thinking to end my life.
I’m talking to someone now and here to help me open my mind and it helps a little bit but after I’m alone I felt so sad again. It may takes time for me but I will do my best to fight for it and don’t give up on me.
Graczy17 on August 29, 2018:
@Ms.Urso-Farmer and @Ms.Sally thank you so much for the advice. Still struggling everyday but trying to fight for it.
Shirley Urso-Farmer (author) from Michigan on August 28, 2018:
Sally hit the nail on the head..you deserve better, so much better, Graczy17. My thoughts & prayers are still with you.
Sally on August 27, 2018:
Grazy unfortunately he has played u.. tel him to f!!! Off... he begged u to keep him because he had no where to go and no money.. he used u..
Now he has money he dosnt need you!!! Be strong! Don’t waste your life!!! He dosnt care.. I know it’s hard but be strong u don’t deserve a life like this ..
Shirley Urso-Farmer (author) from Michigan on August 21, 2018:
Graczy17, I don't even know where to start to tell you what's wrong with this 'man' in your life. He is right on a few points, though...he says you're the only woman who accepts & supports him no matter what he does, and he's right! He could not find another woman who would let him treat them so badly - to the point of mental cruelty - and would not only stay with him, but SUPPORT HIM financially and emotionally.
I'm not sure why you accept anyone doing you like this, but the only thing I can think of is that he's got your self-esteem in such bad shape, that you think that you deserve all of this nonsense.
Well, I'm telling you, that you don't deserve this, no matter what. He's playing games with your head, and he's very good at it.
I also know people in their 50's, who will never stop chasing after the opposite sex all the time. His age will not stop him from doing anything, And, there's nothing you - or anyone else - can do or say to stop him.
He will do these same things no matter what woman he is with, because it's what he wants to do more than anything else.
He is a con-man, and nothing else.
You deserve the world, and everything in it. You seem to have such a good heart, and I hate that someone would intentionally hurt someone like you just because it feels good to them to do it.
There's nothing wrong with you.
I'm hoping that you will go to private counseling on your own, and tell them everything. Especially that you've thought of hurting yourself in the past,
If you do think you might hurt yourself, please call 1-800-273-8255 or go to: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ to chat with someone about how you're feeling.
Also, I'm telling you from my own experience, now that this guy wants nothing to do with you since he's run into some money, that is a great blessing for you!
Please, please, make an appointment with a counselor, and get back with me and let me know how you're doing..I care very much, and I know there are many other people who care about you, too.
Graczy17 on August 09, 2018:
I too have same situation with Lisa.
My husband of 13yrs cheated on me multiple times. I was so heartbroken and lost everytime I found out about him having an affairs and flirting with all the women’s he met but I forgave him because I don’t know how to live without him and my love for him too much. Until last year Feb and June 2017 I was about to leave and let him go because I thought he will not change no matter what I do for him but he beg me not to leave him, He told me I am the only women who accepted, support and love him no matter what he do. He asked me to give him time and he will do everything to change and make sure our marriage will work out because he don’t want to lose me. He wanted me to hold him back to me and hold him tight and never ever let him go. For the 4th times I trusted him again and do exactly what he asked for. Because I’m still love him so deeply.
But I felt every time he felt I’m back to normal and start trusting him again he will start doing his bad things. I tried everything give him time and space as what he always wanted but whenever he has too much space he become more comfortable and doing crazy things and when I tried to keep an eye on him he thought that I was doing something wrong with our marriage and don’t trust him or give him privacy. Nowadays I started to questions myself because no matter what I do for him, support him financially when he needed, accepted him like this, loving him unconditionally he will never appreciate me and I will never be good enough for him but I don’t know after all what he done wrong with me I still love him and willing to give him chance until one day he realize his not young enough to play a round because his turning 52 soon.
Last year after 3 months of our heart to heart conversation and begging he totally change because he got money and since then he become more worst than ever, paying around mostly Russians or Easter European women for sex and his Chinese ex’s and worst thing is now he thinks that we have differs lifestyle and personality and told me that he is not a perfect man for me. I believe money get into his minds because now he don’t need my help financially. I told him how I felt. I told him he betrayed me and give me false hope and false promises when he needed me and now he has money his telling me Im not fit in his lifestyle that he don’t see my have big dreams that since start I always open and told him that all I wanted a is simple life.
I remember he always told me before he choose and love me because I’m very different from the women’s he knows or his friends wife’s, I am not like them very materialistic, always cared and talked about money. He said his very proud of me because I’m very independent women I worked very hard and earned money for myself and didn’t asked him financially but still have time to take care of him, support and help him financially and emotionally. He said i took care of him good. But, he thinks like that why now he thinks I’m not unfit for his lifestyle and told me maybe he don’t even want a marriage life? He said maybe if we separate he will give me attention or call me more than now being his wife. I am very confused about what he wants with me and his life. I don’t know if this is about he got money and thinks he don’t need me or this is all what he wanted since start, if yes, why beg me many times not to leave him? I am really lost. This time I was thinking hurting myself but I want to be strong and fight my inner demons.
I need some advice please help me to understand what is going on. I don’t know why I still love him and cannot let go of this feelings. Im so scared and lost.
I wanted him to change and told him we need to go counselling but he don’t like. What should I do?
Mahzabin islam on July 06, 2018:
I was never think that he cheated on me. He is my sister brother in law. 6 years He lied to me and betrayed to me. 2018 1 July I discovered he had a relations with other two girls. I’m a bangladeshi girl so it was so difficult to me get over it. I was telling everything to my sister and my sisters husband. But my brother in law blaming me and said its all my fault. I was so hurt. My heart was broken. No one help me. It’s his fault not mine. He is a cheater and lier. He should be punished. I hope god will punished him
Shirley Urso-Farmer (author) from Michigan on July 01, 2018:
Khoek88, you are so right! It's never about someone being better, it may be that some people cheat because they don't have a good handle on their self-control. But, for whatever the reason, it has nothing to do with what a wonderful person you are. And, it's my belief, that they'll most likely do the same thing to the person they cheated on you with...so, take heart in knowing that what they did speaks to nothing about you, it is all about their personality. And, as a side note, if you've had low self-esteem since childhood (like me) I'd like to encourage you to try counseling out, it has worked wonders for me. Please feel free to let me know how you're doing if you do chose to see a therapist :)
Khoek88 on June 30, 2018:
These are all things I'm trying to do. I was down on myself even before realizing I didn't quite mean what I thought I did to my partner. My self-esteem has been low since childhood. I just keep reminding myself, it's not me. It's not a "me" problem. It's not about having somebody "better", because they probably aren't. We all have our strong points and weaknesses. I AM good enough, and it's really a shame that someone elses' selfish choices made me think otherwise.
Shirley Urso-Farmer (author) from Michigan on May 15, 2018:
"New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings" - Lao Tzu
(This has been the truth in my life)
Shirley Urso-Farmer (author) from Michigan on May 15, 2018:
Lisa, I am so sorry that you're going through this crap. I know it hurts - I've been there - but there's a point when you need to decide that you're worth far more than the way you're being treated! Accepting this behavior from him is your way of saying that you think you're not worth anything better..that being said, I would really love to hear that you've called a therapist and made an appointment to talk with them about your self-esteem issue...that's what I eventually did, and I'm so happy that I made the call! Please get back with me and let me know how you're doing, I really do care.
Lisa on May 14, 2018:
I just can't seem to let go. I think about him when ever i sit down. I keep myself busy and that helps. But what about when I'm not.
I question myself is this love or is it what I've been so used to for so long.
I went from a confident outgoing funny lady. To a very insecure and jealous lady.
He had cheated on me several times.
I took him back each time because I couldn't bare the thought if him being with somebody else. And I hate the fact I allow him back in to my life each time. I know deep inside he is no goid for me. So why can I not let go. If I am going to forever be treated this way.
I said the last time I let him back in that this would be the last time I was gonna try work this marriage out.
And I think I made the right choice after finding out hed been lying and seeing another lady. Asking him to leave. He couldn't wit to get out the door.
And that hurt too.
How long do I feel these mixed feelings I am feeling.
Shirley Urso-Farmer (author) from Michigan on May 06, 2018:
asweaney, you just made my year! I'm so glad that this article has helped you in your healing, Lord knows we need all the help we can get when we've been hurt so badly.
Thank you again for your comment, I appreciate it so much, and it was extremely kind of you to leave it :)
asweaney on April 29, 2018:
This page is amazing. When I was feeling down, I clicked on the link and read. Just reading the article made me feel good and has brought me through more steps in the process of healing.
A nony mouse on April 25, 2018:
Hey, you missed a couple off the playlist: Alanis Morissette - You Oughta Know and Queen - I want to Break Free.
But, seriously those who cheat in one relationship, often go on to behave badly in subsequent relationships.Its as if these people get a buzz from knowing that they have more than one person on the go. Its an ego rub and you are better off without that sort of person.
Kenneth Avery from Hamilton, Alabama on February 26, 2018:
Hi, Shirley -- thanks for chatting with me, but it was YOUR comment that was so Special. I am resting today. Going out in a bit and just taking life as it comes.
You stay cool and sane.
Shirley Urso-Farmer (author) from Michigan on February 26, 2018:
You're awesome comment on my hub made my week...I'm working on staying sane, but I can't promise anything...don't work too hard :)
Kenneth Avery from Hamilton, Alabama on February 24, 2018:
Hi, Shirley -- I received your sweet note of Following me. That made my weekend. I will be looking for you. I am planning to send you via email, my personal Thank You from me, but I am behind in my work with HP, so be patient.
Stay sane and write me anytime.
Shirley Urso-Farmer (author) from Michigan on February 24, 2018:
Thank you so much for your gracious acknowledgement Kenneth! I do hope this article will help people who are hurting, and that they'll realize that the pain can be overcome.
Kenneth Avery from Hamilton, Alabama on February 23, 2018:
This hub is nothing short of amazing. You covered the tent poles of a shattered relationship (not destroyed--big difference) and you wrote this so both women and men could receive help. Great work.
If I can be of help to you, just let me know.
Cindy Hect on January 21, 2017:
I think this article is very well written, it gives us all something to think about. Good work.
Grand Old Lady on January 14, 2017:
I think this is a very good article, and that there is nothing wrong with giving someone a second chance. However, I would like to point out that there's a difference between someone who will cheat once, and someone who is a consummate cheater. In the latter case you have to be aware that you can expect this in your married lifetime. And there is always the chance that he may eventually find someone he loves enough to leave you for her. If you think it is worth the risk, good for you. What is important is knowing what to expect with the choice you make.
John Hansen from Queensland Australia on January 14, 2017:
This article is simply packed with great advice for someone who has been cheated on. The statistics are very interesting and surprisingly high for both sexes. This should be essential reading for anyone suffering the infidelity of a partner and would certainly help them get their life on track. Great work.