In Love With a Married Woman
Why Do Women Look For Love Outside of Marriage?
According to research by Eric Anderson**, a professor at Winchester University, UK, married women look for affairs to replace the lack of romance in their marriages. He gave a survey to 100 heterosexual married women, between the ages of 35 and 45, who were having affairs. All came back with similar results. The women were looking for the emotional and sexual spark which was missing in their love-life. Interestingly, not one of the hundred said they intended leaving their husband.
So a married woman having an affair is, essentially, using you to satisfy her craving for excitement and something ‘different’ that she is unable to ask her husband for.
She Won’t Leave Her Husband For You
Your lover has probably spent years investing in her marriage, her home and her children. It is unlikely she will give any of that up for you. When it comes down to it most women will choose certain security over an uncertain future every time. We are programmed in that way.
Remember, that just as she is deceiving him, she is probably deceiving you too. Also, if she did leave her husband for you, can you be sure that, in the future, she won’t treat you in the same way?
The Other Man’s Viewpoint
Harry is perfectly happy with his married lover. He’s not interested in a long-term relationship. It is simply a mutually pleasing arrangement. He’s young and has no wish to settle down so he sees this affair as ideal. No strings. He says if he breaks up with his current mistress, he will probably look for another married woman to take her place.
David is at the other end of the scale. He feels completely alone. He’s not allowed to discuss his relationship with a married woman with anyone. He has to make do with only seeing her once a week, sometimes even more infrequently than that. She dictates where and when they meet. He loves her. He can’t do anything about it. She refuses to leave her husband. He wants to end it, but can never make that final move.
Darren got a little drunk one night and decided to write a letter to his mistress’s husband, telling all. He wanted everything out in the open so that she would leave her marriage and be with him. However, she managed to convince her husband that ‘this guy’ had been stalking her. Darren was arrested for harassment and he never saw her again.
Mike thought he’d hit the jackpot when he met his married lover. At first, the fact that she was married didn’t bother him at all. But as time went on, he began to fall in love with her. The worst thing, he says, is being alone on those nights when they had made plans and she’d canceled them due to some family commitment. And, he says, those times when you really want to be with the one you love, Christmas, Valentine’s, birthdays - that’s when he realizes that he is not important enough to her to make her want him permanently.
An Unwanted ‘Affair’
In some cases, a married woman seems to be the perfect object of affection for some men. Vijay, had recently lost his mother and was emotionally strung out. He made friends with a married woman at his place of work, who offered sympathy and a listening ear. This lady had no intention of beginning an affair, but Vijay was certain that he loved her and was convinced that if he worked hard enough, she would love him too.
One day she mentioned that she and her husband had had a fight. That was Vijay’s sign that her marriage was in trouble and that he was the man for her. He bombarded her with texts and emails. He just couldn’t accept that she wasn’t looking for love outside her marriage. She pleaded with him to stop, but he carried on. Eventually, the woman cut off all contact, threatened him with the police and complained to her boss at work. Vijay was transferred to another city. He is still convinced that she will realize ‘the truth’ and leave her husband for him.
Stuck in an Abusive Marriage
Occasionally, a woman will have an affair in order to get relief from an abusive husband. The problem is, that she is usually too frightened to leave him, and will not let you intervene. This scenario can leave you desperate because there’s nothing you can do. You worry because of what he might do to her if he finds out about her cheating. You worry when you don’t hear from her. You worry when you are together in case you are caught. Your life is a mass of heaving tension. It’s not fun.
She Won’t Let Us Break Up
Stu and Angela got together two years ago. She was in a stable marriage with Stu’s boss. Stu wishes that they hadn’t got involved because Angela has now become emotionally dependent on him. Every time there is any drama in her life, she expects Stu to get her back onto an even keel. He has tried to break up with her but she threatens to tell her husband about the affair, she also told him she’d tried to take her own life, but he is not sure that he believes her. He feels trapped.
How to End a Relationship With a Married Woman
As always, prevention is better than cure. While being with someone who is married seems deliciously dangerous, things can go horribly wrong very quickly. If you’ve made the decision to end it, then do it fast. Don’t draw things out, hoping that the problem will just go away.
- Tell her that you aren't prepared to deal with the situation any longer.
- Delete all contact details.
- Unfriend her on social media.
- Unfriend her friends.
- Don’t call her to see if she’s okay.
- Don’t answer her calls and messages to you.
- Delete old messages and photos.
- Change your behavior or even your job, if necessary, so that you don’t see her.
You may find yourself going through a kind of grieving process. This is normal, so allow yourself to process the feelings. However, don’t let it go on and on. Make a conscious effort to get involved in some mind-engaging activities, take part in sport or physical pastimes. Don’t look for someone to take her place too soon. You won’t be in the best place to be able to relate to someone new. Take your time.
In the interest of being truthful, I was married once and had an affair with a married man. To be fair, my marriage was over anyway. I left my husband, and he left his wife. We eventually married. It was not a good marriage and we split up and divorced after ten years. Do I regret it? Yes… and no. He taught me a lot - mostly how not to treat people. He died two years ago.
**The paper, "Life is Short, Have an Affair: Middle-Age Women and Extra-Marital Affairs," was presented on August 18, 2014, at the American Sociological Association's Annual Meeting in San Francisco.
Are you having an affair with a married woman?
Questions & Answers
I've been with a married woman for over a year. She claims she and her husband are separated but live in the same house. They have two children who were the result of manipulation and her playing games to get him when he was in a previous relationship. She tells me I'm the love of her life, but after a year and a month of being involved with her, she hides it from him. I need some real advice. Can you help me?
My real advice is that she is also playing games and manipulating you. If you like that idea, then carry on. If, however, you would prefer to be in an equal, mature, and mutually rewarding relationship, then run away. She is destructive, self-serving, and obviously doesn't care about the pain she is inflicting on her husband, children, and you. She will never find true happiness with anyone. You, on the other hand, could do so much better.Helpful 71
The married woman I am seeing is still sleeping with her husband, and it's hurting me. How can I deal with this? She tells me she loves me, and I love her too.
You know there is no future here for you. She's not going to leave him. How can you put up with a lover who sleeps with someone else? Walk away and get your life back.Helpful 34
I started feeling close to a married woman via online chatting. Her current marriage is unfulfilling given the lack of intimacy, and that she had been doing online dating as a way to cope with it. However, her last online relationship proved to be bad given they fought and argued. When this woman and I began talking, we grew more and more close. Our feelings are genuine, and we're growing more in love each moment. What do I do to make this work?Helpful 15
I have been in a relationship with a married woman for six months. Her husband recently found out about us. Now her husband is becoming cruel to her. He wants to end the marriage. She is now in a dangerous situation. What should I do?
You shouldn't do anything other than give her the support she needs. Then she should agree to divorce her husband. Don't forget that he is the injured party here. What you chose to do has put them both in this situation. The best for all is to end the marriage quickly and sort yourselves out. Her husband gets to move on with his life and you two can be together.Helpful 33
I've been with a married woman for three years. She separated from her husband and wanted me to move in with her, but she talks to her husband every day. Should I leave?
Why haven't you moved in together? Why does she need to talk to her husband every day? Maybe they have kids.
It's your choice.Helpful 12