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I'm in Love With a Married Woman. What Can I Do?

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A freelance writer for a long time, one of my favorite topics is the complicated one of human relationships.

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So, you’ve fallen in love with a married woman. This is a very challenging situation. You'll be asking yourself many questions, including, "How do I cope with the emotions involved? Do I believe she will leave her husband for me?" These are hard to know the answer to, so you'll want to read on to learn what to do to navigate these difficult waters. But, first, let's look at an example.

Example Relationship: Stu and Angela got together two years ago. She was in a stable marriage with Stu’s boss. Stu wishes that they hadn’t got involved because Angela has now become emotionally dependent on him. Every time there is any drama in her life, she expects Stu to get her back onto an even keel. He has tried to break up with her, but she threatens to tell her husband about the affair. She also told him she’d tried to take her own life, but he is not sure that he believes her. He feels trapped. What should he do?

How to End a Relationship With a Married Woman

As always, prevention is better than cure. While being with someone who is married seems deliciously dangerous, things can go horribly wrong very quickly. If you’ve made the decision to end it, then do it fast. Don’t draw things out, hoping that the problem will just go away.

  • Tell her that you aren't prepared to deal with the situation any longer.
  • Delete all contact details.
  • Unfriend her on social media.
  • Unfriend her friends.
  • Don’t call her to see if she’s okay.
  • Don’t answer her calls and messages to you.
  • Delete old messages and photos.
  • Change your behavior or even your job, if necessary, so that you don’t see her.

You may find yourself going through a kind of grieving process. This is normal, so allow yourself to process the feelings. However, don’t let it go on and on. Make a conscious effort to get involved in some mind-engaging activities, take part in sport or physical pastimes. Don’t look for someone to take her place too soon. You won’t be in the best place to be able to relate to someone new. Take your time.

Why Do Women Look for Love Outside of Marriage?

According to research by Eric Anderson**, a professor at Winchester University, UK, married women look for affairs to replace the lack of romance in their marriages. He gave a survey to 100 heterosexual married women, between the ages of 35 and 45, who were having affairs. All came back with similar results. The women were looking for the emotional and sexual spark which was missing in their love-life. Interestingly, not one of the hundred said they intended leaving their husband.

So a married woman having an affair is, essentially, using you to satisfy her craving for excitement and something ‘different’ that she is unable to ask her husband for.

**The paper, "Life is Short, Have an Affair: Middle-Age Women and Extra-Marital Affairs," was presented on August 18, 2014, at the American Sociological Association's Annual Meeting in San Francisco.

She Won’t Leave Her Husband for You

Your lover has probably spent years investing in her marriage, her home and her children. It is unlikely she will give any of that up for you. When it comes down to it most women will choose certain security over an uncertain future every time. We are programmed in that way.

Remember, that just as she is deceiving him, she is probably deceiving you too. Also, if she did leave her husband for you, can you be sure that, in the future, she won’t treat you in the same way?

Secret meetings are a part of a love affair with a married woman.

Secret meetings are a part of a love affair with a married woman.

The Other Man’s Viewpoint

Harry is perfectly happy with his married lover. He’s not interested in a long-term relationship. It is simply a mutually pleasing arrangement. He’s young and has no wish to settle down so he sees this affair as ideal. No strings. He says if he breaks up with his current mistress, he will probably look for another married woman to take her place.

David is at the other end of the scale. He feels completely alone. He’s not allowed to discuss his relationship with a married woman with anyone. He has to make do with only seeing her once a week, sometimes even more infrequently than that. She dictates where and when they meet. He loves her. He can’t do anything about it. She refuses to leave her husband. He wants to end it, but can never make that final move.

Darren got a little drunk one night and decided to write a letter to his mistress’s husband, telling all. He wanted everything out in the open so that she would leave her marriage and be with him. However, she managed to convince her husband that ‘this guy’ had been stalking her. Darren was arrested for harassment and he never saw her again.

Mike thought he’d hit the jackpot when he met his married lover. At first, the fact that she was married didn’t bother him at all. But as time went on, he began to fall in love with her. The worst thing, he says, is being alone on those nights when they had made plans and she’d canceled them due to some family commitment. And, he says, those times when you really want to be with the one you love, Christmas, Valentine’s, birthdays - that’s when he realizes that he is not important enough to her to make her want him permanently.

An Unwanted "Affair"

In some cases, a married woman seems to be the perfect object of affection for some men. Vijay, had recently lost his mother and was emotionally strung out. He made friends with a married woman at his place of work, who offered sympathy and a listening ear. This lady had no intention of beginning an affair, but Vijay was certain that he loved her and was convinced that if he worked hard enough, she would love him too.

One day she mentioned that she and her husband had had a fight. That was Vijay’s sign that her marriage was in trouble and that he was the man for her. He bombarded her with texts and emails. He just couldn’t accept that she wasn’t looking for love outside her marriage. She pleaded with him to stop, but he carried on. Eventually, the woman cut off all contact, threatened him with the police and complained to her boss at work. Vijay was transferred to another city. He is still convinced that she will realize ‘the truth’ and leave her husband for him.

Stuck in an Abusive Marriage

Occasionally, a woman will have an affair in order to get relief from an abusive husband. The problem is, that she is usually too frightened to leave him, and will not let you intervene. This scenario can leave you desperate because there’s nothing you can do. You worry because of what he might do to her if he finds out about her cheating. You worry when you don’t hear from her. You worry when you are together in case you are caught. Your life is a mass of heaving tension. It’s not fun.

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This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

Questions & Answers

Question: I've been with a married woman for over a year. She claims she and her husband are separated but live in the same house. They have two children who were the result of manipulation and her playing games to get him when he was in a previous relationship. She tells me I'm the love of her life, but after a year and a month of being involved with her, she hides it from him. I need some real advice. Can you help me?

Answer: My real advice is that she is also playing games and manipulating you. If you like that idea, then carry on. If, however, you would prefer to be in an equal, mature, and mutually rewarding relationship, then run away. She is destructive, self-serving, and obviously doesn't care about the pain she is inflicting on her husband, children, and you. She will never find true happiness with anyone. You, on the other hand, could do so much better.

Question: The married woman I am seeing is still sleeping with her husband, and it's hurting me. How can I deal with this? She tells me she loves me, and I love her too.

Answer: You know there is no future here for you. She's not going to leave him. How can you put up with a lover who sleeps with someone else? Walk away and get your life back.

Question: I've been in a relationship with a married girl for a couple of months. The way she acts, the way she talks or how she shows that she cares about me is just amazing. They are living in the same house but they use different rooms to sleep. Everything is perfect so far but when I ask her about her opinion about getting divorced, she always keeps ignoring that question. I don't know the reason why?

Answer: If your girlfriend is not planning a divorce and refuses to talk about it with you, you can stake your life on the fact that her marriage is intact and they are sleeping in the same room. I guarantee it. You are being used.

Question: I have been in a relationship with a married woman for six months. Her husband recently found out about us. Now her husband is becoming cruel to her. He wants to end the marriage. She is now in a dangerous situation. What should I do?

Answer: You shouldn't do anything other than give her the support she needs. Then she should agree to divorce her husband. Don't forget that he is the injured party here. What you chose to do has put them both in this situation. The best for all is to end the marriage quickly and sort yourselves out. Her husband gets to move on with his life and you two can be together.

Question: I started feeling close to a married woman via online chatting. Her current marriage is unfulfilling given the lack of intimacy, and that she had been doing online dating as a way to cope with it. However, her last online relationship proved to be bad given they fought and argued. When this woman and I began talking, we grew more and more close. Our feelings are genuine, and we're growing more in love each moment. What do I do to make this work?

Answer: Ask her if she's going to file for divorce. If the answer is no, the relationship will never work out. Think it through. As I said in the article, these women are looking for the emotional support and excitement they are not getting in their marriage. However, staying with their husband provides other benefits. Are you okay about being a spare string? Because that's all you are.

Question: Should I really believe a married woman when she says her marriage is over and she wants a better life?

Answer: No, not unless she demonstrates her love for you by ending her marriage, moving out, and filing for a divorce.

Question: How to know the married woman I love really loves me and is not using me to fill her emotional cravings? She never makes a move!

Answer: You are providing the missing part of her marriage which has faded away: the romance, the excitement, the emotional highs and lows. You have to ask yourself if this is enough for you.

You should assume she is just looking for a little excitement to make her life more interesting. You are there to provide the drama and thrill she craves. If it's love, she would leave her husband.

Question: I've been with a married woman for three years. She separated from her husband and wanted me to move in with her, but she talks to her husband every day. Should I leave?

Answer: Why haven't you moved in together? Why does she need to talk to her husband every day? Maybe they have kids.

It's your choice.

Question: I love a married woman who is older than me by 15 years. She does not let her husband touch her since we met. It's about 2 years since we got together. Her husband knows about me, but she told him that we aren't speaking right now. She wants to leave her husband and wants to live with me. She is the best lady I've ever known, but my family will not allow this. Can you help me?

Answer: Yes. Until your married girlfriend leaves her husband there is nothing you can do. If she does leave him, then you can make your own decision. Your family will have to accept it. However, it's doubtful that she will leave her husband, so you might consider looking for an even better single woman.

Question: I am truly in love with a married woman with three children. She's also pregnant. She sometimes tells me that she loves me, but often I think that's not true. I tried to leave but I am trapped in my emotions. I am really confused and cannot focus on myself and my family. I want to forget her forever. How?

Answer: Think about this: if this continues you are going to destroy two families. I'm sure that does not feel good to you. Gather your strength and leave this woman and her family in peace. This cannot ever work out for you.

Question: I’m a gay woman dating a married gay woman. Is it possible that what I feel is infatuation instead of love? I wanted her to leave her wife and be together but she won’t leave her marriage. I stopped the relationship, but now I wonder if I was really in love or infatuated? It hurts no end.

Answer: I can't tell you - only you know your own feelings. I do know that lack of availability always makes the loved one seem more attractive. If she won't leave her marriage, then you have made the right choice for you.

Question: I am in love with a married woman, but I do not want to be for obvious reasons. There is no relationship, and I am not sure if she knows about my feelings. What should I do?

Answer: Unrequited love is so painful. However, it seems you understand that there is no future in this, so you need to put some strategies in place to help you get past this. For instance, avoid seeing her and find some distracting activity to turn to when you start thinking of her.

I promise that what you feel is not real love. Real love can only grow when two people share an emotional bond. When it is from a distance and one-sided it can only be infatuation. Once you think this through and understand what you are feeling, you should be able to deal with it.

Question: I recently started an affair with a married woman with occasional meetings, but we got involved, and we ended up falling in love with each other. Recently she told me that she still made love with her husband. I was deeply shocked and expressed my disappointment. She explained to me that she accepted it for the sake of the family. My first reaction was to tell her that I'll look for other women to balance the situation. Will it work?

Answer: Of course it won't work. I'm not sure what you expected. She's married. Did you think she would cut off relations with her husband as soon as you 'fell in love'? As the other man, you have to put up with all the indignities and unfairnesses that come with having an affair with a married woman. That's how it works.

Looking for other women to 'balance the situation' will result in your lover ending it. Why don't you end it anyway and find someone single who, like you, wants an exclusive relationship?

Question: I have been in love with a married woman for over four years. Her marriage is empty. But she stays with him because of their children. Our relationship is very deep and loving and still going strong. What will happen?

Answer: I can't tell you what will happen. It's up to you. If you are happy with the situation and don't mind sharing her with her family, then that's fine. If it makes you feel bad, then consider ending it and finding someone who is free to be with you all the time.

Question: I’m in love with a married woman. She has a two year old daughter. She cares for me and I love her. But sometimes when I talk about our commitment or getting divorced she says, "It’s not that easy, I'm not prepared." But whenever I don’t talk to her she cries. She isn’t sleeping with her husband but she’s defending him sometimes, and she cares for him too. I don't know what to do now because I want her to separate from him. What should I do?

Answer: Firstly, she is almost certainly having marital relations with her husband. Secondly, she's not divorcing him anytime soon. Thirdly, and most importantly, why are you trying to split this young family up? Their daughter is two years old, for goodness sake. Act responsibly. Walk away.

Question: We've been involved intensely for over a year, and had many romantic encounters. Our time together was very involved. I'm close with her boys and even met her sister. She told me she didn't want to stay with her husband, but now it seems that she's ghosting me, and has mentioned she's worried more about financial security and her reputation. Is it normal for me to feel angry because she won't be upfront and honest with me? Her boys know about us, and she treats me like I don't exist.

Answer: Of course it's normal, but you need to use your anger constructively. She's not leaving, and now she's trying to distance herself. Hold your head up and walk away.

Question: I'm really good friends with a married woman I work with. She helped me to get through a depression and gave me a reason to believe in myself again. We get each other and enjoy talking. I'm not sleeping with her, but I feel emotionally connected and can't help but think if this girl were single she would have been perfect for me. Am I doing something wrong by being friends with this girl or causing emotional turmoil upon myself?

Answer: Yes, you are. The clue is in "I feel emotionally connected." You are attempting to insert yourself into her life in a way that could disrupt it, and that of her husband. Do the right thing and walk away. There's no need to make a big thing about it. You can still say 'hello' and get on with the business of work, but you have to give up the idea that she is your perfect woman. She isn't.

Question: I'm in love with a married woman. We love each other very dearly but she pays more attention to her husband than me. She keeps sharing all the details of married life. I know our love will never flourish, but I can't stop loving her. What should I do?

Answer: Your answer is right there in your question: She is always going to put her husband first. You are merely a diversion. However, you already recognize that your love does not have a future, so walk away. Find yourself a single woman with no complications.

Question: I have a secret lover. She's probably just using me to get excitement and romance. On the other hand, religion was involved. She married her husband based on her religion, she wasn't even in love with him. Security was no.1 for her. They have an 8-year-old child. We both renounced our religion not long ago. Can I hope she'll leave her husband for me, or will things stay the same?

Answer: I can't tell you what the future will bring for you. This is, as always in these situations, a decision you have to make for yourself. The most important person in the equation, of course, is not you or your lover, but your lover's child. What would be best for him or her? Look to your conscience.

Question: I'm deeply in love with a married woman from work. Something special is happening between us, but we haven’t taken it further than a good friendship. We don’t even flirt as we both know it would hurt us. I really admire her as a person and as a professional. I'd rather keep her as a friend than to risk all for a passionate dream. So how would it be possible for me to fall out of love with her so that I can choose the option for a healthy and true friendship?

Answer: It's unlikely you can change your feelings about her. However, you can choose not to act on those feelings. You can decide to maintain a healthy, professional friendship. You have the power; you do not have to let desire control you. Also, make sure you have a busy social life outside of work. Meeting eligible single women might be helpful. If it's too difficult, think about changing jobs.

Question: I am a married man and I fell in love with a married woman. I am so deeply in love with her that I am ready to leave my wife and kid for her. And the same thing with her... She is saying that she will leave her family but on condition that I leave my family first. And she wants a baby from me now. What should I do?

Answer: Firstly, do not get her pregnant. That would be a huge mistake. It sounds to me like neither of you trust the other. So I think you should do nothing until you are completely sure what you want. If you take action now, you could end up destroying two families for perfectly selfish reasons.

Question: I have been seeing a married woman for the last 4 months, her husband doesn't know. She went out of town and said she hooked up with someone else. I actually feel somewhat deceived. Thoughts on this?

Answer: You and her husband are being deceived. She is using you both. You have the luxury of being able to walk away, so do it.

Question: I'm in a relationship with a girl who is married and about my age. She sleeps with her hubby daily and cares for him. She says she cares for me more than him but, I'm very confused about what to do because I love her a lot. What should I do?

Answer: You should find another girl.

Question: I was with a married woman for years and I'm married. She said she was in love and wanted her husband of 20+ years to know because she was tired of hiding. I was concerned because he knows me and she and I worked together. He suspected us and recorded her conversation with me and was able to find out about our affair. He only confronted her and not me. She ended things with me because he let the kids hear the tapes. I really fell in love and miss her deeply, what should I do to reconcile with my ex?

Answer: Nothing. Leave her alone and get on with your life while she attempts to clean up the mess you both have made of her marriage.

Question: How do you stop an affair with a married woman that has lasted for four years?

Answer: I can't tell you how to end your relationship. One thing you must be is honest. If you want to end it then do so gently, reasonably and truthfully.

Question: I've been involved with a married woman for about 3 years now. I tried to end it once and went back to her. The second time I had decided to walk away and she told me to give her a year for her to sort things out so she can be with me. It's been 6 months and there's no sign of her leaving her husband. No lawyer for divorce and she hasn't even mentioned it to him. She says she's determined because she fell out of love with him. Do you think she will do what she said she is going to do?

Answer: You already know that she is using you to add excitement and intrigue to her life. It's unlikely that she is planning on leaving her husband. Why not ask her to initiate divorce proceedings by the end of next month or you will leave for good. You have to be prepared to stick to your word when she doesn't. Your life is passing you by and so is the prospect of meeting a woman who will commit to you in love.

Question: I'm 20 and I work with a 28 year old married woman who drives me nuts. I know I'm young and I understand that it's natural for me to have feelings. She keeps returning the compliments I give her. Often times she tells me I'm adorable and such. She shows me her tan lines just on her shoulder and I know she knows that makes my heart race. I can't tell if I'm infatuated with her being that I'm so young or if I truly do love her. I know she sees my reaction?

Answer: She's flirting with you, and she probably doesn't realize that she is playing with your feelings. For her it's fun. She's unavailable, older, and experienced making her ultra attractive to you. It's the slight danger, the thrill, the teasing. So you need to get a true perspective on all this. It would be so much better if you could find someone unattached that made your heart race.

Question: She lied to me about being involved with a man. Then, she lied about actually being married to this man. It’s crazy, but after all of that, I still love her. I just can’t trust her. How do I let go? I can tell that she loves me, but I hardly believe anything she says other than me knowing her feelings for me are real.

Answer: If you can't trust her, if you can't believe her, then your love isn't based on love, but on mere desire. Bear in mind that if she can do this to her husband, she will almost certainly do it to you. It's not a great outlook for the future: pain, disappointment, and feelings of abandonment.

It's time to take some time out and think about what you really want in a relationship.

Question: I've been in a relationship with a married woman for about 4 years. The first couple of years we showed great emotional and physical attention to each other. However, she thanked me for helping her marriage out. Since then I’ve been seeing less attention both physically and emotionally. What do I do? I'm pretty much in love with her. Also she wants me in her life. What is going on?

Answer: You provide the excitement that she doesn't get in her marriage. She is unable to accept that married life isn't about romance and excitement, it's about loyalty, support, partnership, friendship, commitment and deep love. She craves the extra dimension that only a secret attraction can provide. She likes the danger, the heightened sense of the forbidden.

What you do is entirely up to you depending on how you feel about the above

Question: I've been dating a married woman for three months. She has two children. I'm deeply in love with her but I don't love her children. I want her to leave her family behind and come to me. I'm obsessed with her. What do I do?

Answer: You are happy to destroy her family, her husband and her children's lives... I would say that three months of fun is your limit, and now you should do the honorable thing and walk away.

Question: I've been seeing a married woman from work for 1.5 years; she still hasn't divorced her husband, does she have any intention of being with me?

Answer: I can't read her mind, I'm afraid. Only you two can work it out. I expect her husband would like to get all this settled too. Why don't you give her a deadline to initiate divorce proceedings?

Question: I've been seeing a married woman who has a child for the past four months, and it's been amazing. But she's very unhappy and wants a divorce, and has told her best friends and mother about me. However, I can't shake the feeling that she is using me to fill an emotional void. Is she serious about me or am I wasting my time?

Answer: I can't answer your question. Only time will reassure you or not. If she doesn't file for divorce in the next few months, you'll know you are wasting your time. Bear in mind that you will be taking on a family here, with all the responsibility that entails. Are you prepared to be a step-dad? Could you love her husband's child? Can you deal with the ongoing relationship your lover will, by necessity, have with her current husband? Believe me, it can get very messy.

Question: I'm in love with a married woman. Her husband is always away for work. She says she's going to leave him. Do I wait and see how it unfolds, or end it now?

Answer: Only you can make this decision. What preparations has she made? How long are you prepared to wait?

Question: I am madly in love with a married man. At times he acts nicely but sometimes I seem to bother him. I'm too confused; what can I do to get over him? I truly love him but he's now becoming worse to me. What should I do?

Answer: He probably behaves in this way when he gets an attack of the guilts. And this is literally tearing you apart because you cannot adapt to his mood swings. For your own well-being and mental health, you need to walk away from this. It can only result in pain - and it will be yours.

Question: I've been with a married woman for three years. I'm not married or anything, and they have kids together. She's just began the process of walking away and has moved out. She is having so many fears at the same time. How do I be there for her as best as I can without putting our relationship at risk?

Answer: Just be available for her. It's paramount that she is focussed on her children's well-being during this difficult process. The last thing she needs is pressure from you as she'll be experiencing it from her husband and probably others too. So all you can do is reassure her that all she has to do is call you and you'll be there, but you understand that she has other priorities right now.

Question: I've been with a married woman for over a year. She and her husband have been separated for five years. She and her husband and her two adult children own a business together. She tells me she will never divorce her husband for financial reasons. She is a lovely lady and I have fallen for her. Do I have a future with her?

Answer: At least she is being totally honest and upfront with you. You can have a future with her, as long as you do not expect anymore than what she has clearly laid out. So there will be no marriage. However, if they live apart, there's no reason why you couldn't live with each other sometime in the future.

Question: I am in a relationship with a married woman. She has two children and they all live with her husband. She comes over to my place and we sleep together. I buy her nice things and she loves them. However she now wants the latest iPhone but I don't have the money for it. I have not replied to any of her texts and now she has blocked me on Whatsapp. I am not sure if this is love or should I end it? What should I do?

Answer: You have been duped. All she is looking for is someone to provide her with luxuries. In other words she is prostituting herself in order to get excitement and 'nice things'. It's not love. I'm sure you know what to do.

Question: I have been in a relationship with a married woman for nine months. I love her and she says she loves me too. The relationship is physical. She has been married for 14 years. She tells me there is no more love at home - she and her husband tolerate each other because of the three children. And she still sleeps next to him. Can I trust that there is no love between them? And that she will divorce him as she has told me?

Answer: You obviously don't believe she is not having a physical relationship with her husband or you wouldn't be asking the question. No one else can tell you what to think or feel; you have to work it out for yourself. She's either telling the truth, or she isn't. Which seems more likely to you? Try to get her to commit to saying when she intends to file for divorce. If she seems reluctant, then it probably won't happen until the children are much older.

Question: I am in love with a married woman. We've known each other for about 10 years. We had some romantic nights before she got married. After she got married I left her alone, but when I saw her again after a year, all the feelings came back for both of us. She is not happy in her marriage and we both want to be together. She also has a child and she is scared the child is going to get hurt the most.The child is still very young - about 3 years old. What should I do?

Answer: You should walk away after telling the woman that you will wait for a while for her to sort herself out. If she is genuine, she will instigate divorce proceedings. Give her a time limit and don't be involved while she deals with her husband. She may leave him. She may not. And, of course, she is right, the child's happiness and security must come first.

Question: I'm in love with a married woman. She has a child and won't ever leave her husband for anyone. I am so much into her that I keep on thinking about her all the time and praying God to add her to my life one day. I can't study, can't eat, can't even sleep and even if I do, I wake up at nights with thoughts of her. She is older than me too. I've completely busted my right hand by biting it because of the sadness. What do I do?

Answer: If you were my son, I'd tell you to take a step back from the situation and ask yourself, "What do I want from my life? Happiness or this endless sadness?" Life is for joyfully living, not for moping around after someone who has, very honestly, made it clear that she cannot and will not fulfill your dreams. Look elsewhere.

Question: I’ve been with a lady twice my age for three years now. I didn’t know she was married at first. I tried to stop, because I didn’t like cheating, and she said it was up to me. A month later, I went back to her. She said she wants an open marriage. Our feelings are genuine. We’ve talked less lately, which has deepened our relationship. Honestly, I don’t want to marry her because (I know, I’m a hypocrite) I don’t want a wife who cheats. Should I end it or continue knowing it won’t go further?

Answer: Go with your gut feeling on this. I wonder if her husband is happy with her 'open marriage'? Don't forget, while you are dilly-dallying with this one, you may be missing the chance to meet the love of your life.

Question: I had an affair with a married woman for over four years. We live in different parts of the country, so we haven't met each other in person yet. We keep in touch via phone and social media. She is seven years older than me and has two children who are in college. I want to marry her, and she wants to be with me and for me to support her. But she says she is not ready yet to leave her husband and children to marry me. What should I do?

Answer: You have to ask yourself some questions. Do you want to be waiting around for another four years or more? Or do you want to set yourself free to meet someone who is available now? Keep in mind that she probably enjoys the experience of having an affair without actually having one in real life. You provide the excitement in her secure and stable marriage. Her husband is the one who benefits from that, of course.

Question: I'm in love with a married woman for the last two years. She lied to me that she was single. But she just revealed her married life last month. She also has a one-year-old daughter. I love her daughter as if the baby is mine and she loves me too. Now there’s a problem because her husband doesn’t want to give her a divorce and she’s asking me to do something about her relationship with her husband. What should I do?

Answer: Okay, so you must have known she was pregnant just after you met her? And you've known her for two years and didn't suspect she was married?

This is a big mess, because, if you were sleeping with her from the beginning, the baby could be yours. Have you asked your girlfriend to arrange a DNA test?

You are not to intervene between the woman and her husband. This is something she has to deal with herself. If the child is not yours, I suggest you walk away until the girlfriend has sorted her life out.

Question: I'm so in love with a woman who got married when she was 22 and it ended up being an abusive and traumatic marriage. We both love each other and it's made our lives so much better. She is separated and lives with her colleagues. Her major problem is that her parents are emotionally keeping her away from divorce and asking her to give it time. She's been living separate for 9 months now. She's been honest about not knowing how to go about this. What should I do?

Answer: You don't have to do anything. However, it's time for your lady to act like a grown-up and take charge of her own life. She is not a child to be directed by her parents. If she loves you, she will make the decision to file for divorce... and sooner, rather than later. Even if you weren't there for her, she should divorce her abusive husband anyway. Perhaps you could offer to help her through the process of divorce.

Question: I saw my first love again after ten years. We are both married to other people. I love my wife but can't avoid reconnecting to my first love. She told me she made a mistake all those years ago. It's almost one month since we made contact with each other again. The fire has reignited in my heart and I cant stop thinking about her. What can I do?

Answer: You have the chance to do the right thing now. Walk away and avoid destroying two families. Yes, you made a mistake by giving up on each other all those years ago, but as you said, you love your wife so why would you want to hurt her? If you were in a bad marriage, it would be different, but you are not, so tell your ex that you are sorry but you cannot see her again.

Question: I was seeing a married woman with two young children. She says I'm better than her husband in every aspect but financial security. He makes money, I don't. We decided to end our relationship because it became obvious/risky with how emotionally distant she was with him. Also, when she would have intercourse with him, she started to feel like she was being used because she was so emotionally attached to me. We decided to detach. This is extremely difficult. Was I being deceived? What can I do to move on?

Answer: I think she has made the right decision. If she's not prepared to leave him because her children's security and happiness is her priority, then you have to respect her choice. You move on by living your life and dating single women.

Question: I've been in a relationship with a married woman for three months. Her husband travels for work a lot and we spend all our time together when he's gone. We have the most amazing time and we love each other. We've talked about divorce, but says she wants to do it civilly, so it may take a while. I believe that she wants to be with me, but I'm single and have my ups and downs with emotions. Do I have hope that it could work?

Answer: She's having a great time. Best of all worlds. Getting divorced civilly is good way to do it, but there's nothing preventing her instigating proceedings now. There's no 'right' time to do it. If she fobs you off with excuses why she cannot do it now, then she is not being honest with you. The thing is, whether or not you two get together, she must know that she's in an unhappy marriage (if what she says is to be believed). Otherwise, she wouldn't be looking for emotional and sexual satisfaction outside of the marriage. You have to work out whether she is likely to divorce or not. And if not, you have to decide if you are happy sharing a woman with another man.

Question: I've been seeing a married woman for a year. She's been married for 20 years, no children. She said she sleeps in a separate room from her husband and they seldom have intimacy. However, my doubts make me feel bad. Once I asked her to be with me, but she told me that divorce is out of the question. I truly love her, but am not sure if she ever loved me or just dates me when she needs intimacy. She has now said that she doesn't want to see me anymore because she's fed up with me. Any suggestions?

Answer: If she wants to end it, you have to respect her wishes. There's nothing else to say. You could take the opportunity to find someone who is available and who might well fall in love with you.

Question: I’ve been in a long distance relationship with a married woman for eight years. We see each other twice a year for a week each time. She claims she’s not sleeping with her husband. She has two college-age daughters. She says she’s going to leave him. I see no evidence of that happening. What should I do?

Answer: I think you should read over what you just wrote and really feel what emotions rise up within. Then you will know what to do,

Question: My wife left and divorced me for another man after 30 years of marriage. Will she ever return?

Answer: She might, but would you want her back? The rift cannot ever be repaired and nothing would be the same. I've had personal experience of this situation and, luckily we both came out of it relatively unscathed, but there's no way to reconstruct a relationship that has been ripped apart like that.

© 2017 Bev G

Comments

Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on August 17, 2020:

Hi Dave,

She won't leave him :(

Move on.

Dave on August 17, 2020:

In love with a married woman since 15 months and she is also in love with me. During this time their was constant attention, seeing each other, messaging each other all the time. She always said it wasn't an affair for her and i felt it was genuine and still do. I left my marriage (she didnt ask me to) as felt it wasn't right for me to cheat anymore, everytime i asked for a commitment from her she said she cant leave her marriage as her husband has done nothing wrong. The constant pain of not being with her, she spending time with him, weekends, holidays and sleeping together got too much over the last few months and i eventually told her I don't want to be a side piece anymore and this is over. She said she truly loves me but I have maintained my view around actions matter. It's been 3 weeks now since ending it and she has been messaging to get me back however i have pushed her away as it was her decision to stay in her marriage so i cannot be in her life anymore. If her mind changes she can let me know, i havent initiated any contact from my end all these days. It's incredibly painful and I cannot stop thinking about her specially being alone now. Will time away from me make her realise or changer her mind? Or am I still living in fools paradise. They have been together for 20 years and have 2 kids

Sihle on August 13, 2020:

I m in love with a married woman, I m not sure if she loves me too, but she talk non stop when we talk and she looks me in the eyes and I used to send her massages telling her that she is beautiful but she ask me to stop it

Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on August 09, 2020:

Congratulations on your enduring and happy marriage, Paul.

Paul Vhapman on August 09, 2020:

I've been living with a married woman for 52 years, we've had three kids together, really happy.

Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on June 01, 2020:

Thank you, Protonucleus. Much appreciated.

protonucleus on June 01, 2020:

I wish to thank you profusely for the work you are doing - practical and to-the-point. Let me also tell you, my decision was based on the numerous questions and answers in this forum and your articles. They share a similar pattern. I am glad you helped reinforce my decision with your reply. Logic is always painful in the moment but beneficial in the long term.

Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on May 31, 2020:

Hi protonucleus, I think you did exactly the right thing. The other path would have led to a whole heap of trouble. If you know someone who knows her, they could keep you up to date as to her marriage status. You never know, she may divorce before long. However, don't let that stop you from building other relationships. Good luck.

protonucleus on May 31, 2020:

Hi Bev G. I am divorced, was happy alone, come across a colleague, become good friends, come to know she is married. Start avoiding her, yet silently like her. She comes to me and we start talking. One day meet her husband, see a coldness between them. Decide to move away. Confess that I mistakenly fell in love with her, that's why need to move away. She becomes furious, says she always wanted a male friend. She stops talking completely, I feel sad. It's been 3 months and still miss her. Sometimes feel we could have been just friends. What could have been a better way?

Tamarah on May 09, 2020:

That's the best advice no one has given me! thank u so much, ma'am.

Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on May 09, 2020:

Tamarah, I can't tell you how to live your life. You have to work it out between you.

Tamarah on May 09, 2020:

She have agreed, but i've halted it and i told her not to do anything rn cause i don't know what is wrong or what is right. if she divorces her husband, what would her husband feel, after three years of marriage and no kid. What do u suggest? Should I tell her to divorce him?

Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on May 09, 2020:

Tamarah, asking what you 'should' have done is pointless. You did what you thought was right at the time. If she loves you she will file for divorce.

Tamarah on May 08, 2020:

I've met this girl online two years ago and we were fireworks since then. i recently found that she has been married for 3 years, means she was married for 8 months when I first meet her. both of us didn't believe in love or even wanted to fell in love, it just happened. There's a really tough situation here, I can't leave her and she can't leave me either. i advised her to divorce her husband and she agreed. did I do sth wrong? what should I have done?

Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on April 21, 2020:

Hi Victor,

How do you know he is your son? And how does her husband feel about raising someone else's child? Or do you have him?

What can you do? I don't know. You have created one huge mess between you.

Victor Evi on April 21, 2020:

I am currently dating a married woman and we have a son together. She has two kids with her husband and they are still together. She told me that she loves me and I am the love of her Life. According to her, she doesn't love her husband, but she doesn't want to live home because of the other kids. I love her so much, but she also lives far from me. I don't know what to do?

Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on April 20, 2020:

There's nothing I can tell you that I haven't already told others here. You probably need to look for a job elsewhere.

A on April 19, 2020:

I’m in love with a married woman, and we’ve been having an affair for 4 years. I want to get over her, as she has had affairs throughout her marriage and is a big flirt. However I do love her and she says she loves me. It’s hard because we also work together...

Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on November 22, 2019:

Hi me, so you didn't leave. Kind of proves my point really :)

Some women do leave their husbands - I did. But the vast majority don't.

You are right, trust is often an issue if the relationship began as an affair.

me on November 22, 2019:

It’s incorrect to say she won’t leave the marriage... I had an affair and if he would give me the feeling that I could trust in his love even though he makes less money I could potentially leave to be happier and more loved... if he was willing to be a good father etc. I would leave for nothing less than “he is crazy about me”. The problem is that he is an 40 year old womanizer that is averse to commitment and doesn’t treat me as good as my husband so I can’t trust his love and exchange 12 for half of a dozen so then a side relationship is perfect... provided that he treated me really well. Mine treat far too casual to make worth my while so I run. Two of my friends left for their affairs... one is doing really well the other her guy got way too jealous and couldn’t trust her. That is the issue I see also if the person cheated ( no my case) the other will never trust her... or look at her with the respect that should exist between a couple.

Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on November 16, 2019:

As I say to others, I can't tell you what to do. You have to decide if she's telling you the truth. She has to prove that she's genuine by starting divorce proceedings. If she doesn't, then move on.

Sam on November 16, 2019:

I am in love with a woman,who recently told me that she is married just on documents. They never had physical relation. She will take divorce and marry me. What should i do?? I really love her and i believe she do too

Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on November 14, 2019:

Hi Garfield, I'm not 'Doc' but that's okay :)

I can't tell you what to do here. Follow your gut feeling. Remember that if you proceed along this path you and she will be breaking up a family.

Garfield 2019 on November 14, 2019:

Hi Doc

I fell in love with this married woman and she with me. I am divorced but she is still married because she has 2 small kids mainly. She never committed to divorce and I will never force her. She keeps on saying I should be patient. I am getting frustrated because I am only seeing her 3 times a week. She wants to see me more but I have work etc going on. We really love each other. I know for a fact she will get divorced eventually because she is a passionate woman and her husband will never be able to fulfill her needs (trust me I know). However the secrecy and my conscience is really starting to catch up to me and I want too do the "right" thing and drive the friendship thing and move on with my life but she will not allow this. It always ends the same. What should I do? Do I wait 5 years or do I leave her and force her hand?

Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on October 18, 2019:

It sounds to me like it's over. She's had her fun and you filled the gap in her life. Now her hubby's back with her and you should move on.

Vince on October 18, 2019:

I've been in relationship for two yrs. with married woman, her american husband came last week for good here in Phil., now, before we were together living in her house, since then we seldom meet outside, am hurting inside so much... what should i do?

Doc Simz on October 01, 2019:

Thank you so much!!

Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on September 30, 2019:

Hi Doc, I think you need to seek expert advice, probably separately. The advice needs to cover your legal options as well as emotional issues. Have a dig around your local area - see what you can find.

While violence is always to be abhored, in these cases it's understandable. All that anger, frustration, jealousy and the sheer pain of discovering that you are second best has to get out somehow. Seek mediation. You may have to attend with your wife.

Good luck.

Doc Simz on September 30, 2019:

I also think she has trust issues. Both our partners found out about our affair, my wife turned violent and her husband turned wild too. I work up at the hospital after my wife threw something to me and I collapsed. Her husband drinks at time just to verbally abuse her and once physically attacked her. Both our marriages are now so unsafe. We also cant seem to stop the affair no matter what we go through. Our partners cant seem to give up on us as well. I am more happy when I am with her and she says the same about me too. There is no doubt that we are perfect together, but my conscience tells me that we both are wrong and we drove our partners crazy. I am scared that something bad might really happen even after we both get divorced because both our partners are so violent.

Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on September 30, 2019:

What do you do, indeed? Your children sound quite young. And what reason has she given you for wanting you to divorce your wife first? Why can't you both file on the same day? Sounds like she has trust issues.

The bit that I don't really understand is that you had your chance... the bit where you say "I wanted her back..." All you had to do was ask.

I can't tell you what to do. This is a complex situation and it has to be your joint decision.

Doc Simz on September 30, 2019:

I have been married for the past 7 years and am so much in love with this lady I once loved 18 years ago. She refused to date me as teenagers because she was dating an older guy. I would cry whenever I saw her with this guy. They got married as soon as she finished high school. I didn't see her for 6 years then I met her husband in a compromising position with a lady he was having an affair with. I told the girl, a few months later they got divorced because the husband impregnated the lady she was having an affair with. I wanted her back but I was scared that she would refuse to date me again. I got married to another lady and she got married to another guy as well. We both moved to other countries and didn't see each other for 5 years. Funny enough, we moved back to our country the same month after 5 year. We met a few month later and started dating. Our relationship is physical and have been having an affair for 10 months. We both got 3 kids, she has 2 from her first marriage and 1 from her second marriage. All my kids are from the current marriage. We talk of divorcing our current partners but she wants me to do that first. What do I do?

Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on September 21, 2019:

Yes, John, shop elsewhere :) Only future unhappiness for you lies down that path.

John on September 21, 2019:

Met a nice lady in shop. Few months ago.sparkle straight away. Could tell. Recently she began rubbing my fingers when giving my change back at the counter.and there on began always touching my hand whenever handing over money. I felt the courage to finally give her my phone number and name which she accepted.was stressed over it.seemed happy .3weeks ago now.week later suddenly told me she was married but carried on flirting and touching my hand.she has a ring on which I must admit I saw few weeks back but felt I needed to write a letter .may have to shop elsewhere as have developed feelings for her and miss her when she’s not there.im confused though as if she’s married y so friendly with me.definently a sparkle .hasnt txted yet I know now for obvious reasons .but I feel so mixed up.

anon on September 14, 2019:

andhave bought her presents,things her husband should have given her ,some good but not expensive jewlery, louis vuitton hand bags, tag heuer watches, and a lot of love and understanding, and yes she does realy love me,one of her freinds told me that..i text her daily,just a couple of kisses night and morning sometimes, we do know eachother well now,she is still a verry attractive lady,in her younger days easily would have had model or movie star beauty,she deserves to be loved properly.

Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on September 14, 2019:

As long as you are happy, it sounds like a perfect arrangement. Glad you found each other. Good luck to both of you.

david on September 14, 2019:

i am a single man and am in love with a married woman,we have known each other for 10 years,we love each other,her husband knows a little,he is not intimate with her for health reasons[cronic fatigue] . we are verry close in age,she has grown children she is a grand mother has become since i have known her, i love her so so much,and we dont want to stop, i try to treat her properly,for her age she is still a verry atractive woman,i fell for her from the moment we met and earlier this year confessed that i loved her,she returned love, we will continue as we both love eachother ,i regret not meeting her 40 years ago.

Dracys Desires on September 03, 2019:

We are having an affair - both married.

Our Rules:

~ family first

~ work 2nd

~ our friendship and being lovers 3rd

We both love the emotional and sexual spark, we both know that one day these feelings will change. We both are in stable relationships with childern. We both love making love to our mates (the other man ~ the other woman) and talk freely. Yes it makes our lives complicated. The escape of our day to day is like reading a book, but the feelings are real.

Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on August 09, 2019:

Hi AMW,

I didn't say 'all women', I said 'most'. "When it comes down to it most women will choose certain security over an uncertain future every time."

You are right, it would be inaccurate to say that because I left my husband for my lover. A decision I later regretted. My husband wasn't at fault and he was a decent man. He didn't deserve to be treated that way. We're still friends though.

However, a man having such an affair must take the view that she will never leave her husband... because the odds are very high that she won't. He has to make up his mind whether to invest more time and emotion or whether to move on.

Anonymous Married Woman on August 08, 2019:

The statement that the married woman would NEVER leave her husband is inaccurate. I would have done so for the man I fell in love with, but sadly, he bolted before we could even have that conversation.

Dylan on August 05, 2019:

I was in a rebound relationship with a girl that I thought I could finally get back out and show the signs of defection and make her smile again. Her now husband/babies daddy of her youngest 3/6 have fought over and over and he treats her like shit. I cared for a person and wanted to treat her the way she should but they had a huge talk a few nights before they still planned to get married and I understood for the part of the kids still being a family and was told that she didn’t have to change anything that we’ve already had “being friends with benefits/dating” I know that she’s attracted to me but just seems like she’s pulling things out to keep lying and once I told her how great everything was in her life that she wanted to keep showing more interest I was a idiot and believed into it and now she just plays the ignore game but every now and then pretends that she cares I see her backing away and trying to protect the risk now of being married with the certificate actually being real from the wedding they had years ago and now just being told what I want to. I’ve now noticed no matter how hard it is and thought that I’ve found that special someone that she just isn’t gonna stop this and make my self being hurt even more. I got a gym membership and are keeping my self busy and once we talk again I probably will be a nice guy in the part of trying to be a good person but won’t show affection or that I can be that person to keep trying to help make he marriage and a shoulder to cry on anymore maybe someday she will get it but inside it make me think how many other guys have been in this situation before and when is it gonna stop or is the husband gonna actually find out the real way one day and she’s gonna be rock bottom from it. Don’t get fooled no matter how much you think this is gonna work out cause it’s just gonna hot you harder then you think it will when you actually are the best person in this picture and you will deserve better when you decide to take that chance on another person.

Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on May 13, 2019:

People get angry when their husbands and wives are unfaithful. I can't advise you what to do. He probably won't come, but you won't make that mistake ever again, will you?

Lost in love on May 13, 2019:

Her husband told me he will come to my country and he know where I live and threaten me ,I did send complaints to embassy that he threatened me and my family..we close all contact what if he come?

Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on May 12, 2019:

Sounds like a big mess. The fact that this lady is so much older than you means that if you make a future with her, your own chances of fatherhood are just about nil. Plus, you need to think what it will be like 20 years down the line.

You two have to work this out between you. No one else can make the decision.

Lost in love on May 11, 2019:

I met a Married woman through online she decide to came to my country and we made love she came twice total of 3 weeks ,Its a year now since we know each other, at beginning her husband didn’t know about us but he knows at the end,he kept sending me messages to stop talking to her otherwise he will come to me.I love her so much and she said she love me too and I changed her life to a better way she started to take care about herself.They have daughter same age as me , difference of age is 23 ..She asked if I want to be with her or stay away so will be no trouble for me..I don’t know what to do keep being with her or leave..When I asked about divorce she kept saying it’s not that easy and for her daughter and her parents kept telling her to think about it before divorce. She also said he cheated on her. Need advice I don’t wanna lose her

Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on March 15, 2019:

I don't think it's wrong, Isaiah, but I think you are very right to hold back until she works out what she wants to do. Her children should be top priority.

Isaiah on March 15, 2019:

I've been working at this place for about 3 months but I also spend 12 hour days 6 days a week so I see her often. I'm a salesmen so I get a lot more free time then other jobs. I spend a lot of my time talking to her and getting to know her as time goes by. She is the nicest person I've ever met and we've gotten to know eachother a lot. I'm sure I'm mistaking her acts of kindness towards me as mere friendship. Then my brain thinks other wise. She's married but admits she's only with him cause of the kids. The love is gone it seems but, I don't know for sure. I'm more than willing to take on a step father role and whatever I have to make it work with this woman. I've been alone for the last 6 years and I only look for real relationships instead of flings. She's helped me with a lot and I help her with her. She never talks about her husband with me but she does others. There's a lot of variables in this. I will 100% not break up her marriage. I hate to admit this but, I hope her marriage works itself out. She deserves the best and if he just can't work it out any more than I'll be 1st in line once everything is said and done. They've gone through counseling already but, it didn't work. I don't think there doing it anymore. Is it wrong to fall in love with a woman that is in a bad marriage?

Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on March 06, 2019:

Sorry to hear that you (and her husband) were betrayed so easily by this woman. All you can do is consider it a life lesson learned and move on. And... avoid getting involved with another married woman in the future.

Vikas on March 06, 2019:

I met my childhood love after 22 years

But i met her shes married and she having 3 kids we met after 22 years we exchange phone no.s and started video calling once shes ask do u still love me i said yes then we did physically relationship 2 to 3 times few days i caught her with another boy shes told hes my ex boy friend i hurt a lot i thought after her husband am the only one but i was wrong shes has anothers boys too i brokeup my relationship with her but now i want to forget my past please tell me what am suppose to do my name is vikas am from india

Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on March 03, 2019:

Your user name is apt. You are heading straight for a dead end. There is no future for you along this path. She is married to another man. Why would you want to ruin their lives?

Deadend on March 02, 2019:

I am crazy mad about a married woman. I liked her initially with her enthusiasm and passion in her job. When she shared some painful moments in her life I started feeling like I should be the guy holding her in all her life. I started giving her all the support she needs and I think am in love with her. I want her to reciprocate the same but am not sure if he has any feelings for me.

Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on February 27, 2019:

You know what to do. read my article and my answers to all the other people asking the exact same thing.

Pratiek on February 27, 2019:

I am dating married women I broke up with her but she called me and came in relationship with me again she love me but she has her family and husband as her first priority....she shares things with me but when I ask to meet she refuses many times......but she talks to me on phone daily and tells me I love you daily also we do video calls as well what should I do how should I deal with this relationship

I don't know what to do

Any advise??? Bev G

Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on February 24, 2019:

Find a nice single woman who can love you back. The married woman loves her husband... leave them alone.

Jackson on February 24, 2019:

I'm in love with married women. We work together. I know that she like me somehow but she has a caring husband, both of them love each other very much. I want to say every thing which is in my heart but I'm afraid of. So what should I do. Can you please give me a best suggestion

Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on February 21, 2019:

What do you think you should do? Xyz

Xyz on February 21, 2019:

I am dating married women I broke up with her but she called me and came in relationship with me again she love me but she has her family and husband as her first priority....she shares things with me but when I ask to meet she refuses many times......but she talks to me on phone daily and tells me I love you daily also we do video calls as well what should I do how should I deal with this relationship

Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on February 19, 2019:

Just keep going. You've made the right decision. It will get easier. Good luck.

Ysam on February 19, 2019:

in my case ,ends in last month , after my wife read our chats , she is married but she don't live with her husband , she hate him .. anyway , we are not together any more, in last time we met we decide to end this relation … and delete every things can connect us , even changed out phone number ….

… I feel guilty and pain at the same time … traying to fix my relation with my home , but I feel like im lost .. or acting .. i don't know how to make it right … any advice …..

Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on February 13, 2019:

Run away. Only pain and trouble lie ahead.

Gabriel on February 12, 2019:

I am in love with a married woman. We broke up in just a month and she had another affair and had sex with it. Now i accepted her. She is still with her husband. She is telling me that she loves me. She has bipolar, anxiety and depression. What should i do?

Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on February 08, 2019:

Yep. Walk away. Only two people are going to get hurt in this scenario... and it isn't her.

Lancelot on February 07, 2019:

I started feeling close with a woman in a workplace. We began chatting, spend the nights together and she even admit that she loves me. After 2 months, she confessed to me that she was actually a married woman. (Her husband was out-stationed) She knew what she did was wrong. The reason she is getting closer to me is due to her husband lack of attention. What should I do? Am I in a danger zone?

Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on December 21, 2018:

Presumably it's not your baby?

If not, you have to let her go. You have no choice.

Someone on December 21, 2018:

Im a married man and i had an online relation with a married woman. She have 2 kids and i have 2 kids aswell. We both had problems in our marriage and we both planned to split from our partners to get together. Everything seemed to be ok. She used to talk to me about everything. She messaged me everyday. One day she said that she was feeling funny at morning so she used the pregnancy test. But it came with positive results showing that she is pregnant for real. She said its no point now for our relation and that she need to keep her family happy and together. I need to mention she was using a pregnancy prevention method but nothing is 100%. At 1st i didnt argue and o just wished her a good life. After 2 weeks from breakup she msged me saying she need to remove me from friend lost cause she is afraid if her husband may find out about me also she asked me to act like i dont know her if her account msged me. I said okay. But well i was acting cold. To be honest , i love her but at 1st i couldnt accept her pregnancy its not that easy thing. After another 2 weeks i decided to talk to her. So i did. She seemed happy to see my words and asked if i wanna play online game with her. I said “om not here for games. I love you and i want you” well she didnt agree and she wanted me to get over it. So i said i will respect her wish but i asked for the reason. She said she is getting a new baby now and she still love her husband. Its been 3 weeks now but im feeling so much pain. I do want her and idk what to do. Need an advice.

Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on December 15, 2018:

What do you expect from the relationship? Whatever it is, you are unlikely to get it.

sp on December 15, 2018:

I am dating a married woman. She says that her marriage is over because he cheated on her but they still do family things together and never seems to have time for me. When we make plans she always cancels them but always keeps plans with her husband. I watch her kids for her and they adore me and my son. SHe works nights and goes to college during the day so lately with finals i get that her time is limited. Do I wait until her schedule frees up to see if things change or do I just end it?

Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on August 20, 2018:

It's crazy what people put themselves, and others, through, Rochelle. Sometimes they can't see what's right in front of them.

Rochelle Frank from California Gold Country on August 19, 2018:

Your advice on this subject is spot on. I can't believe some of the questions you are getting. I guess it proves that love (or at least lust) is blind. Apparently a lot of people do not understand the concept of "marriage".

Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on July 25, 2018:

Hello Surabhi, thank you so much for sharing your story. I have no advice for you because only you can decide what to do.

Personally, and this is from my own point of view, I would not stay together for the children. I split with my husband when my child was five and we agreed to manage the situation very carefully. So we had joint custody and often did things together as a family. The only difference, as far as our child was concerned, is that we lived in different homes.

Hope you get a resolution.

Surabhi on July 25, 2018:

hi Bev,

My husband has never been so loving or caring since we married, but his affair of two years has changed my perception that he fell in 'love' with another woman, that i almost believed he was never capable of..

Its been two years since he told me very briefly that he liked a woman but its 2 months since i realized depth to that relationship he is nurturing at cost of our marriage.

My husband has never been rude to me in our 11 yr of marriage, but none of my questions about his loyalty to our marriage has been answered. He rather did speak to me about his mistress and how she left her husband to be with him.. Ironically all hell broke lose in last 2 yrs affair, her divorce, my husband continued cheating to be nice to her etc..

Not once in these two years or I should say 3 yrs when he began losing interest in our marriage, he discussed he wanted to set things right for us, but he rather chose to be with another woman over me... WE have two children and goes without saying we both have stuck in this marriage to give our children a family.

But I know I stand to lose peace in the family if I brought up her topic as he is very stubborn about not leaving her and this will break the whole purpose of us being together for the children.

hope on July 06, 2018:

You know, it's really something when you realized that the percentage of spouse who cheated on their wife/husband and almost proud of it. 48% according to this article vote. That's a very high number of cheating spouse. What's the heck?

Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on February 25, 2018:

Probably not, jproy. She wants to maintain the family stability for the sake of her child. And, as you say, she still loves her husband.

Can you carry on with the affair knowing she will never leave him?

jproy on February 25, 2018:

I have an affair with a lovely married woman with a 4 years old kid. She is the best gift, the best feeling that I ever have received. She is not happy at her marriage but loves her husband. I NEVER push her to leave her husband but I really love to be with her. She trapped in a cycle between me and and her husband and she will try to keep me in distance but all the time text or call me and saying she missing me so much. Its very hard situation for me. Any idea that she may leave her husband for me?

Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on February 09, 2018:

I have no idea... I've never swapped a wife :D

Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on December 30, 2017:

Can't help you, John. If she truly loves you, she will do the right thing and leave her husband. If she's not prepared to do that, then maybe you should walk away before you really do get hurt?

John on December 30, 2017:

I reconnect with my high school sweetheart and we have been talking and seeing each other when we can. I have asked all the questions about why she reached out to me and she has told me that she never stop loving me and she tried to find me before now. Problem is she been married for 40 years but clams she never been happy with him. I am in love with her even though I know I will probably get hurt again. Help

happiness on October 31, 2017:

Dashingscorpio,

Just want to say I admire your comments in many of these posts. You're right on - very well said!

:) thanks

Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on October 23, 2017:

I suppose it depends on the individual circumstances, Pen. I don't think the statistics go in favour of relationships that begin in cheating circumstances.

pen promulgates on October 23, 2017:

Wow Bev, a lovely article. Quite useful.

Have a question. What if the husband leaves the cheating wife upon learning the truth?

What is best for the lady then?

Bev G (author) from Wales, UK on October 18, 2017:

Thank you, Anusha. Problem is, people aren't going to pay attention to any advice while they are falling in love. Emotions, in this case, almost always trump common sense :D

Anusha Jain from Delhi, India on October 17, 2017:

Usually in such an article, one would expect the author giving advice against such an "arrangement". While you did that, I loved that you first gave facts and stats -- always very effective, and then a very practical, commonsensical set of warnings including some forecasts which a man would know subconsciously (like not leaving her marriage, children and/or security), but maybe wouldn't want to accept because of the mixed-up feelings and emotional turmoil such kind of relationship can put you through.

I wish more people write like this without sounding preachy, and more people can take the good advice.

Shrouds on September 17, 2017:

This one never been discussed before.What i can say as a 40 plus guy,maybe this could be the best experience for anyone above 40 years of age.

RoadMonkey on September 16, 2017:

Interesting. Some years ago, I was talking to a woman who lived in the Republic of Ireland. At that time, contraception of any kind was illegal there and it couldn't be obtained, unless you travelled over the border into Northern Ireland and smuggled it back in. She said single women were safe from harassment but married women were constantly being propositioned. She said it was the fear of pregnancy that was the cause, as married women were expected to get pregnant and it was a great shame for single women.

dashingscorpio from Chicago on September 16, 2017:

" The women were looking for the emotional and sexual spark which was missing in their love-life. Interestingly, not one of the hundred said they intended leaving their husband." - This shouldn't be a surprise!

There are a lot of people who are pure romantics as well as those who have desire for intense passion with high sex libidos. The vast majority of people act and behave this way during the "infatuation phase" of all (new) relationships.

However once there is an "emotional investment" or "commitment" they revert back to their "authentic selves". They believe it's "normal" to relax and slack off.

For them being in a "secure relationship" means you no longer have bend over to impress one another. You can "settle down" without the fear of losing your mate.

However the true "romantic" feels like a victim of "bait & switch". They long for things to be the way they use to be.

It's a cliché to hear: "He/shee not the man I fell in love with."

The goal of most cheaters is to hold onto all that is "good" in their primary relationship while addressing their other "needs" on the side.

Very few cheaters are looking to (replace) one relationship with another! Whatever it is they deem to be "missing" in their marriage does not rise to the level of being a "deal breaker" in their eyes. If it had they would have left. The irony is most people cheat in order to STAY!

They're looking to {compliment} what they already have or a form of medication to help them tolerate/cope.

Probably the best solution for Stu is to find another job. Ultimately if someone decides to take their life that's as (personal of a decision) one can possibly make. It's on her!

Your own situation is also a fairly common one. There are lots of people in unhappy marriages and relationships who treat them like jobs. They won't leave one unless they have another one lined up. Also having affair gives them courage in addition to intensifying the romantic angle.

It's one thing to meet "the right man" at the "wrong time" and other to go bar hopping and having "one-night- stands". Believe it or not society romanticizes affairs!

It's the "obstacles" that makes us pull for them.

"They love each other but can't be together because....etc"

However many times once those "obstacles" have been removed and they are together full-time they discover they're not really (in love) with each other.

Essentially they were just {kindred spirits} who came to rely on each other during an unhappy period in their lives. Once whatever was causing them both misery is removed it becomes clear that one or both of them used the other for a rebound whether was intentional or subconsciously.

nicci from ukraine on September 16, 2017:

Wow!! I loved reading your article. I liked the practical advice you gave. Thank you for such an interesting article.

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