In Love With a Married Woman
Why Do Women Look For Love Outside of Marriage?
According to research by Eric Anderson**, a professor at Winchester University, UK, married woman look for affairs to replace the lack of romance in their marriages. He gave a survey to 100 heterosexual married women, between the ages of 35 and 45, who were having affairs. All came back with similar results. The women were looking for the emotional and sexual spark which was missing in their love-life. Interestingly, not one of the hundred said they intended leaving their husband.
So a married woman having an affair is, essentially, using you to satisfy her craving for excitement and something ‘different’ that she is unable to ask her husband for.
She Won’t Leave Her Husband For You
Your lover has probably spent years investing in her marriage, her home and her children. It is unlikely she will give any of that up for you. When it comes down to it most women will choose certain security over an uncertain future every time. We are programmed in that way.
Remember, that just as she is deceiving him, she is probably deceiving you too. Also, if she did leave her husband for you, can you be sure that, in the future, she won’t treat you in the same way?
The Other Man’s Viewpoint
Harry is perfectly happy with his married lover. He’s not interested in a long-term relationship. It is simply a mutually pleasing arrangement. He’s young and has no wish to settle down so he sees this affair as ideal. No strings. He says if he breaks up with his current mistress, he will probably look for another married woman to take her place.
David is at the other end of the scale. He feels completely alone. He’s not allowed to discuss his relationship with a married woman with anyone. He has to make do with only seeing her once a week, sometimes even more infrequently than that. She dictates where and when they meet. He loves her. He can’t do anything about it. She refuses to leave her husband. He wants to end it, but can never make that final move.
Darren got a little drunk one night and decided to write a letter to his mistress’s husband, telling all. He wanted everything out in the open so that she would leave her marriage and be with him. However, she managed to convince her husband that ‘this guy’ had been stalking her. Darren was arrested for harassment and he never saw her again.
Mike thought he’d hit the jackpot when he met his married lover. At first, the fact that she was married didn’t bother him at all. But as time went on, he began to fall in love with her. The worst thing, he says, is being alone on those nights when they had made plans and she’d canceled them due to some family commitment. And, he says, those times when you really want to be with the one you love, Christmas, Valentine’s, birthdays - that’s when he realizes that he is not important enough to her to make her want him permanently.
An Unwanted ‘Affair’
In some cases, a married woman seems to be the perfect object of affection for some men. Vijay, had recently lost his mother and was emotionally strung out. He made friends with a married woman at his place of work, who offered sympathy and a listening ear. This lady had no intention of beginning an affair, but Vijay was certain that he loved her and was convinced that if he worked hard enough, she would love him too.
One day she mentioned that she and her husband had had a fight. That was Vijay’s sign that her marriage was in trouble and that he was the man for her. He bombarded her with texts and emails. He just couldn’t accept that she wasn’t looking for love outside her marriage. She pleaded with him to stop, but he carried on. Eventually, the woman cut off all contact, threatened him with the police and complained to her boss at work. Vijay was transferred to another city. He is still convinced that she will realize ‘the truth’ and leave her husband for him.
Stuck in an Abusive Marriage
Occasionally, a woman will have an affair in order to get relief from an abusive husband. The problem is, that she is usually too frightened to leave him, and will not let you intervene. This scenario can leave you desperate because there’s nothing you can do. You worry because of what he might do to her if he finds out about her cheating. You worry when you don’t hear from her. You worry when you are together in case you are caught. Your life is a mass of heaving tension. It’s not fun.
She Won’t Let Us Break Up
Stu and Angela got together two years ago. She was in a stable marriage with Stu’s boss. Stu wishes that they hadn’t got involved because Angela has now become emotionally dependent on him. Every time there is any drama in her life, she expects Stu to get her back onto an even keel. He has tried to break up with her but she threatens to tell her husband about the affair, she also told him she’d tried to take her own life, but he is not sure that he believes her. He feels trapped.
How to End a Relationship With a Married Woman
As always, prevention is better than cure. While being with someone who is married seems deliciously dangerous, things can go horribly wrong very quickly. If you’ve made the decision to end it, then do it fast. Don’t draw things out, hoping that the problem will just go away.
- Tell her that you aren't prepared to deal with the situation any longer.
- Delete all contact details.
- Unfriend her on social media.
- Unfriend her friends.
- Don’t call her to see if she’s okay.
- Don’t answer her calls and messages to you.
- Delete old messages and photos.
- Change your behavior or even your job, if necessary, so that you don’t see her.
You may find yourself going through a kind of grieving process. This is normal, so allow yourself to process the feelings. However, don’t let it go on and on. Make a conscious effort to get involved in some mind-engaging activities, take part in sport or physical pastimes. Don’t look for someone to take her place too soon. You won’t be in the best place to be able to relate to someone new. Take your time.
In the interest of being truthful, I was married once and had an affair with a married man. To be fair, my marriage was over anyway. I left my husband, and he left his wife. We eventually married. It was not a good marriage and we split up and divorced after ten years. Do I regret it? Yes… and no. He taught me a lot - mostly how not to treat people. He died two years ago.
**The paper, "Life is Short, Have an Affair: Middle-Age Women and Extra-Marital Affairs," was presented on August 18, 2014, at the American Sociological Association's Annual Meeting in San Francisco.
Are you having an affair with a married woman?
Questions & Answers
How to know the married woman I love really loves me and is not using me to fill her emotional cravings? She never makes a move!
You are providing the missing part of her marriage which has faded away: the romance, the excitement, the emotional highs and lows. You have to ask yourself if this is enough for you.
You should assume she is just looking for a little excitement to make her life more interesting. You are there to provide the drama and thrill she craves. If it's love, she would leave her husband.
We've been involved intensely for over a year, and had many romantic encounters. Our time together was very involved. I'm close with her boys and even met her sister. She told me she didn't want to stay with her husband, but now it seems that she's ghosting me, and has mentioned she's worried more about financial security and her reputation. Is it normal for me to feel angry because she won't be upfront and honest with me? Her boys know about us, and she treats me like I don't exist.
Should I really believe a married woman when she says her marriage is over and she wants a better life?
No, not unless she demonstrates her love for you by ending her marriage, moving out, and filing for a divorce.
She lied to me about being involved with a man. Then, she lied about actually being married to this man. It’s crazy, but after all of that, I still love her. I just can’t trust her. How do I let go? I can tell that she loves me, but I hardly believe anything she says other than me knowing her feelings for me are real.
If you can't trust her, if you can't believe her, then your love isn't based on love, but on mere desire. Bear in mind that if she can do this to her husband, she will almost certainly do it to you. It's not a great outlook for the future: pain, disappointment, and feelings of abandonment.
It's time to take some time out and think about what you really want in a relationship.