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In Love With a Married Woman

Updated on September 16, 2017
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Why Do Women Look For Love Outside of Marriage?

According to research by Eric Anderson**, a professor at Winchester University, UK, married woman look for affairs to replace the lack of romance in their marriages. He gave a survey to 100 heterosexual married women, between the ages of 35 and 45, who were having affairs. All came back with similar results. The women were looking for the emotional and sexual spark which was missing in their love-life. Interestingly, not one of the hundred said they intended leaving their husband.

So a married woman having an affair is, essentially, using you to satisfy her craving for excitement and something ‘different’ that she is unable to ask her husband for.

She Won’t Leave Her Husband For You

Your lover has probably spent years investing in her marriage, her home and her children. It is unlikely she will give any of that up for you. When it comes down to it most women will choose certain security over an uncertain future every time. We are programmed in that way.

Remember, that just as she is deceiving him, she is probably deceiving you too. Also, if she did leave her husband for you, can you be sure that, in the future, she won’t treat you in the same way?

The Other Man’s Viewpoint

Harry is perfectly happy with his married lover. He’s not interested in a long-term relationship. It is simply a mutually pleasing arrangement. He’s young and has no wish to settle down so he sees this affair as ideal. No strings. He says if he breaks up with his current mistress, he will probably look for another married woman to take her place.

David is at the other end of the scale. He feels completely alone. He’s not allowed to discuss his relationship with a married woman with anyone. He has to make do with only seeing her once a week, sometimes even more infrequently than that. She dictates where and when they meet. He loves her. He can’t do anything about it. She refuses to leave her husband. He wants to end it, but can never make that final move.

Darren got a little drunk one night and decided to write a letter to his mistress’s husband, telling all. He wanted everything out in the open so that she would leave her marriage and be with him. However, she managed to convince her husband that ‘this guy’ had been stalking her. Darren was arrested for harassment and he never saw her again.

Mike thought he’d hit the jackpot when he met his married lover. At first, the fact that she was married didn’t bother him at all. But as time went on, he began to fall in love with her. The worst thing, he says, is being alone on those nights when they had made plans and she’d canceled them due to some family commitment. And, he says, those times when you really want to be with the one you love, Christmas, Valentine’s, birthdays - that’s when he realizes that he is not important enough to her to make her want him permanently.

An Unwanted ‘Affair’

In some cases, a married woman seems to be the perfect object of affection for some men. Vijay, had recently lost his mother and was emotionally strung out. He made friends with a married woman at his place of work, who offered sympathy and a listening ear. This lady had no intention of beginning an affair, but Vijay was certain that he loved her and was convinced that if he worked hard enough, she would love him too.

One day she mentioned that she and her husband had had a fight. That was Vijay’s sign that her marriage was in trouble and that he was the man for her. He bombarded her with texts and emails. He just couldn’t accept that she wasn’t looking for love outside her marriage. She pleaded with him to stop, but he carried on. Eventually, the woman cut off all contact, threatened him with the police and complained to her boss at work. Vijay was transferred to another city. He is still convinced that she will realize ‘the truth’ and leave her husband for him.

Stuck in an Abusive Marriage

Occasionally, a woman will have an affair in order to get relief from an abusive husband. The problem is, that she is usually too frightened to leave him, and will not let you intervene. This scenario can leave you desperate because there’s nothing you can do. You worry because of what he might do to her if he finds out about her cheating. You worry when you don’t hear from her. You worry when you are together in case you are caught. Your life is a mass of heaving tension. It’s not fun.

She Won’t Let Us Break Up

Stu and Angela got together two years ago. She was in a stable marriage with Stu’s boss. Stu wishes that they hadn’t got involved because Angela has now become emotionally dependent on him. Every time there is any drama in her life, she expects Stu to get her back onto an even keel. He has tried to break up with her but she threatens to tell her husband about the affair, she also told him she’d tried to take her own life, but he is not sure that he believes her. He feels trapped.

Pixabay
Pixabay

How to End a Relationship With a Married Woman

As always, prevention is better than cure. While being with someone who is married seems deliciously dangerous, things can go horribly wrong very quickly. If you’ve made the decision to end it, then do it fast. Don’t draw things out, hoping that the problem will just go away.

  • Tell her that you aren't prepared to deal with the situation any longer.
  • Delete all contact details.
  • Unfriend her on social media.
  • Unfriend her friends.
  • Don’t call her to see if she’s okay.
  • Don’t answer her calls and messages to you.
  • Delete old messages and photos.
  • Change your behavior or even your job, if necessary, so that you don’t see her.

You may find yourself going through a kind of grieving process. This is normal, so allow yourself to process the feelings. However, don’t let it go on and on. Make a conscious effort to get involved in some mind-engaging activities, take part in sport or physical pastimes. Don’t look for someone to take her place too soon. You won’t be in the best place to be able to relate to someone new. Take your time.

Full Disclosure

In the interest of being truthful, I was married once and had an affair with a married man. To be fair, my marriage was over anyway. I left my husband, and he left his wife. We eventually married. It was not a good marriage and we split up and divorced after ten years. Do I regret it? Yes… and no. He taught me a lot - mostly how not to treat people. He died two years ago.

**The paper, "Life is Short, Have an Affair: Middle-Age Women and Extra-Marital Affairs," was presented on August 18, 2014, at the American Sociological Association's Annual Meeting in San Francisco.

Are you having an affair with a married woman?

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    • profile image

      happiness 5 weeks ago

      Dashingscorpio,

      Just want to say I admire your comments in many of these posts. You're right on - very well said!

      :) thanks

    • theraggededge profile image
      Author

      Bev 6 weeks ago from Wales

      I suppose it depends on the individual circumstances, Pen. I don't think the statistics go in favour of relationships that begin in cheating circumstances.

    • pen promulgates profile image

      Imran Khan 6 weeks ago from Mumbai, India

      Wow Bev, a lovely article. Quite useful.

      Have a question. What if the husband leaves the cheating wife upon learning the truth?

      What is best for the lady then?

    • theraggededge profile image
      Author

      Bev 7 weeks ago from Wales

      Thank you, Anusha. Problem is, people aren't going to pay attention to any advice while they are falling in love. Emotions, in this case, almost always trump common sense :D

    • anusha15 profile image

      Anusha Jain 7 weeks ago from Delhi, India

      Usually in such an article, one would expect the author giving advice against such an "arrangement". While you did that, I loved that you first gave facts and stats -- always very effective, and then a very practical, commonsensical set of warnings including some forecasts which a man would know subconsciously (like not leaving her marriage, children and/or security), but maybe wouldn't want to accept because of the mixed-up feelings and emotional turmoil such kind of relationship can put you through.

      I wish more people write like this without sounding preachy, and more people can take the good advice.

    • Shrouds profile image

      Shrouds 2 months ago from Malaysia

      This one never been discussed before.What i can say as a 40 plus guy,maybe this could be the best experience for anyone above 40 years of age.

    • RoadMonkey profile image

      RoadMonkey 2 months ago

      Interesting. Some years ago, I was talking to a woman who lived in the Republic of Ireland. At that time, contraception of any kind was illegal there and it couldn't be obtained, unless you travelled over the border into Northern Ireland and smuggled it back in. She said single women were safe from harassment but married women were constantly being propositioned. She said it was the fear of pregnancy that was the cause, as married women were expected to get pregnant and it was a great shame for single women.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 2 months ago

      " The women were looking for the emotional and sexual spark which was missing in their love-life. Interestingly, not one of the hundred said they intended leaving their husband." - This shouldn't be a surprise!

      There are a lot of people who are pure romantics as well as those who have desire for intense passion with high sex libidos. The vast majority of people act and behave this way during the "infatuation phase" of all (new) relationships.

      However once there is an "emotional investment" or "commitment" they revert back to their "authentic selves". They believe it's "normal" to relax and slack off.

      For them being in a "secure relationship" means you no longer have bend over to impress one another. You can "settle down" without the fear of losing your mate.

      However the true "romantic" feels like a victim of "bait & switch". They long for things to be the way they use to be.

      It's a cliché to hear: "He/shee not the man I fell in love with."

      The goal of most cheaters is to hold onto all that is "good" in their primary relationship while addressing their other "needs" on the side.

      Very few cheaters are looking to (replace) one relationship with another! Whatever it is they deem to be "missing" in their marriage does not rise to the level of being a "deal breaker" in their eyes. If it had they would have left. The irony is most people cheat in order to STAY!

      They're looking to {compliment} what they already have or a form of medication to help them tolerate/cope.

      Probably the best solution for Stu is to find another job. Ultimately if someone decides to take their life that's as (personal of a decision) one can possibly make. It's on her!

      Your own situation is also a fairly common one. There are lots of people in unhappy marriages and relationships who treat them like jobs. They won't leave one unless they have another one lined up. Also having affair gives them courage in addition to intensifying the romantic angle.

      It's one thing to meet "the right man" at the "wrong time" and other to go bar hopping and having "one-night- stands". Believe it or not society romanticizes affairs!

      It's the "obstacles" that makes us pull for them.

      "They love each other but can't be together because....etc"

      However many times once those "obstacles" have been removed and they are together full-time they discover they're not really (in love) with each other.

      Essentially they were just {kindred spirits} who came to rely on each other during an unhappy period in their lives. Once whatever was causing them both misery is removed it becomes clear that one or both of them used the other for a rebound whether was intentional or subconsciously.

    • Necento anto profile image

      nicci 2 months ago from ukraine

      Wow!! I loved reading your article. I liked the practical advice you gave. Thank you for such an interesting article.