I've been an online writer for over eight years. I love writing about relationships, love, romance, and flirting.
Selfishness is a personality trait and getting your guy to stop being selfish isn't as easy as pressing a button. Whether he is disrespectful to you, acts mean all the time, takes you for granted, never takes you out on dates, or is selfish in bed, find out how you can deal with your man's selfish ways through methods such as having heartfelt conversations, not replying to his texts, and many more everyday solutions to this serious relationship problem.
1. Tell Him How His Selfish Behavior Is Making You Sad
Let your heart do the talking. All this time while you were reeling because of your boyfriend's selfish behavior, he may not have even realized how he was acting. Some people who have inflated egos and a subtle level of arrogance often don't realize how their indifferent behavior is affecting their partners in a relationship.
That is why your first attempt to get your boyfriend to stop being selfish should be a quiet conversation. Get him to empathize with your feelings by telling him how his behavior makes you sad. If the guy really cares about you, he should understand your heart-wrenching plea.
2. Keep Your Emotions Under Check When You Talk to Him About His Selfishness
The biggest hurdle you will face while dealing with selfish people is their selfishness, and you will never be able to win over their selfish attitude if your emotions flare up into a personal blame game. If it gets to that, a selfish guy will generally stay true to personality and argue until he gets what he wants.
Instead, keep your emotions under control and always remind yourself not to lose your temper. Keep telling yourself to remain calm. Keeping a level head will allow you to manipulate the conversation at every turn and expose your boyfriend's selfishness.
3. Point Out Specific Instances of His Selfishness and Avoid the Sweeping Statements
If your boyfriend is really selfish, he will remain blind to his selfish ways until you actually point them out. Take a note and use specific instances to show him how painful it is for you. For example:
- Point out how all of your dates in the last five months have been to places that only your boyfriend liked.
- Tell him about the fact that he expects you to be free from your studies and work whenever he wants, but that it is never the same vice versa.
- Remind him how he blankly said "no" when you asked him to take you out for a midnight snack, but that he often drives down to the neighborhood 7-Eleven when he feels like having a midnight Slurpee.
Providing specific examples of selfishness will really drive the point home. He will have nothing to say against the truth.
4. Don't Give Him an Ultimatum Unless You Are Actually Ready to Split
Giving ultimatums and not following up on them is a common mistake that most people make while dealing with relationship problems. This will backfire and encourage your boyfriend to take you for granted.
For example, suppose you tell your boyfriend that you will break up with him if he doesn't stop being selfish, but he continues to show his ugly side, and you do nothing about it. This sends a strong message across to him that he can get away with it.
So unless your boyfriend's selfish behavior has frustrated you to a point where you are ready to leave everything and walk away from the relationship, don't give loose threats.
5. Take Your Boyfriend Along When You Go Out With Your Friends
Let him see how you get respect from your friends and how they treat you with a lot of affection. Witnessing your friends showering you with love will hopefully inspire your guy to show you some affection too. If he is genuine, he will take a cue and this sense of warmth will translate into his everyday behavior.
6. Go on a Double Date With a Couple Who Shares Great Chemistry
Going on a double date with a couple who shares amazing chemistry will open your boyfriend's eyes and give him a lesson or two on how a guy should treat his girl. These are some of the things your boyfriend will notice about the other guy:
- How he allows his girlfriend to finish speaking before he interrupts.
- The subtle, yet very overpowering sense of respect that he shows towards his girlfriend.
- How he behaves like a gentleman with her.
- How he puts aside what he is doing and cheers her up if she seems annoyed or sad.
If your boyfriend has the slightest bit of care and concern towards you, the other guy's behavior should make him reflect on his own attitude. It will give him something to think about on the way home.
7. Stop Being Taken for Granted
Don't go out with your boyfriend only when he wants to go out. A selfish boyfriend typically takes his girlfriend out on a date when and where he feels like. When she suggests stuff like going out to a fine dining restaurant or going to the theatre to watch a play, he will have a range of excuses, from falling sick to having an important submission the next day.
Give him a taste of his own behavior by saying no to his date suggestion when he has the urge to go out to his favorite place. When he asks why, just tell him that you aren't in the mood to go out where he wants to go.
8. Act Aloof and Sad: Make Him Come to You
Stop being your usual chirpy self when you are with your boyfriend. Be aloof and show a hint of sadness in your behavior. Give your guy more space than usual and act as if you just don't have the strength in you to make small talk when you are together.
Looking at your sorry state should ideally hit a tender spot in his heart. After all, no guy likes to see his girl suffer. When he comes over to ask you what is bothering you, here are a few ideas you can use to explain the situation to him:
- "Nothing's wrong. It's just that I feel like I don't matter because you don't give me any importance."
- "I always seem to get second priority in our relationship. That is what is bothering me and making me feel sad."
- "Even I want to feel loved. Even I want to be pampered by my guy every once in a while. Even I want to throw a girly tantrum and have my guy comfort me in his hugs. Am I asking too much?"
Be vague and don't get personal while saying these things to him. If he really wants you to be happy, he will comfort you and try to keep his bad attitude in check.
9. Don't Pick up All Your Boyfriend's Calls and Stop Replying to All His Texts
When all your conversational efforts fail, maybe it is time to try some hard tactics to get your boyfriend to realize his mistake. Stop picking up some of his calls and stop replying to all his texts. Let him freak out for a while until you respond back with a simple "hi" or a "hello."
He will notice this behavior and ask you why you are unavailable on your phone. Use this situation to specifically point out his latest round of selfish behavior. Tell him that you did not pick up the phone because you were sad. For example:
- "I did not pick up because I was angry at you for being so self-centered on our date last night."
- "How can you expect me to reply to your texts when I am sad about how you didn't listen to me yesterday."
10. Brush off Physical Intimacy: Tell Him You Don't Feel Like It
The next time your guy tries to cozy up to you with his hugs and kisses, ward him off with a slight push on the shoulder. Tell him that you just don't feel like it. Let him comfort you with his warm hugs but nothing beyond that, including staying away from sex.
This sort of behavior will send a strong signal to him. He will realize that his selfish ways have had a terrible impact on your happiness and on the relationship. He will start getting his act together if he wants a genuine relationship with you.
11. Allow Selfishness to Wear off Over a Couple of Months
Selfishness is a personality and behavioral trait. It is not something that can be turned on or off instantly with a switch. Expecting your guy to stop being selfish right away is like expecting a girl to stop being jealous about her boyfriend overnight – it is just not possible.
Don't get too excited at the slightest hints of effort on your boyfriend's part to get rid of his self-centered attitude. There will still be bumps along the way while he irons out the issues you have pointed out. From being selfish on dates to selfishness in bed, wait at least a month or two for the change to be permanent.
12. Last Ditch Effort: Get Someone Else to Talk to Your Boyfriend
Usually it is not the best of ideas to get a third person involve with the problems of your relationship. But if your boyfriend's selfishness is pushing you to a breaking point, getting one of yours or his best friends to talk to him could be your last resort.
It is likely that your boyfriend will feel insulted that you told another person about this. Take this step only if his selfish ways are beyond your control and you are certain about going to any lengths to save your relationship.
13. Make a Decision: Breakup With Your Boyfriend If He Refuses to Budge From His Selfish Ways
You will have to take a life changing decision if your boyfriend refuses to accept his wrongs and continues being selfish. This decision is not easy and you will have to think about a lot of factors, including the questions below.
- How long have you been dating this guy?
- Are you in a committed relationship?
- Is his selfishness coming to a point where he is taking your feelings for granted all the time?
- Has your guy's selfishness reached an unbearable point?
- Are you sure there are no other ways left to try to get some sense into his head?
- Will you be able to handle the heartbreak of a broken relationship?
- This is not a decision that you can change later, so are you ready to call it quits and break up your relationship?
Think about all these things before you make you decision. If your heart continues to weep 24/7 because of your guy's dominating stance in the relationship, maybe it is time to let go.
Amy on September 05, 2019:
I agree with Jame's comment, some of this person's advice isn't the best. The passive-aggressiveness does not work. It works being up front, and talking calmly about what's upsetting you. Most of the time, especially if they were spoiled by one or both parents, they don't even realize what they're doing. My boyfriend talks over people ALL THE TIME. I would tell him he did it to me, with no effort to try and fix it...but when I mentioned he did it to his best friend...that was another story. Now he watches himself. They can change, and want to change...unless they like being selfish. Try telling your boyfriend they do things you dont like to someone else he cares about, like a best friend or family member. Sometimes they take us for granted because we're around all the time...but the friend or family member isn't. It helps. My boyfriend has always been spoiled by his mom...he is 34 and still doesn't clean up after himself. I'm afraid he will be like this or even worse of we move in together. So I'm trying to help things before we do. So far, he's doing pretty well. Not perfect, but neither am I...and there is plenty about myself that I still need to fix. So i appreciate his efforts. He even gave me a back rub the other day! And talked about how much he appreciated me. It meant a lot.
As for 'John's' comment...guys like this have issues past selfishness. Calling random women 'bitches' and 'stupid' and saying they must like the behavior if they put up with it...is disgusting. We love our guys...and know they aren't perfect, and we aren't either. He's probably one of those guys that says women like being beat on and thats why they stay with their abuser...i can guarantee 'John' has some mommy issues. John, women stay with abusive partners because their partner has beat them into submission, or emotionally drained them and controlled them to make them think they'll never get any better, or that they 'deserve' the behavior. I'm sure you already know this, because you sound like an abuser yourself...if not physically, then definitely emotionally. People like you disgust me. Grow up, or gtfo. I'm sure you would LOVE to spend more time with your mommy, who probably hates you.
james on July 01, 2019:
some of this advice is good, such as confronting them about their behavior and being honest about how it makes you feel.
some of it is terrible, like passive-aggressively pouting instead of doing that.
John on March 04, 2019:
Just dump him already, you stupid bitch. Or do you love the drama of staying with a guy who "just doesn't appreciate you"? Give me a break. I'm surprised he hasn't dumped you already.
Boy oh boy on October 30, 2018:
I met this guy online about a month ago. He presented himself as mature, self reliant and willing to go the distance. I got someone angry with me in mornings resentful and egotistical. He yells at the most silliest things. This morning he yelled at me for leVing my keys in his truck. What an ass...... now i know why ive been single for 46 years. He is in his 50's what an egomaniac.
Mikisoq on September 06, 2018:
I have a boyfriend who doesn't show much affection because he comes from divorced parents. He doesn't really show any emotions because he don't really know how to show them, and when I have a melt down/break down and cry, he doesn't even really ask me whats wrong or even hugs me. He just stay where he is and do nothing at all.
Sometimes it hurts a lot.
few times a day he says "I am sorry i don't show much but i really do care" but sometimes it's hard to believe because I never really see any affection, sometimes its clear as day and sometimes it doesn't show at all.
I tend to daydream of guys that are intimate, dreamy and full of care, but it hurts too much thinking about leaving him since we have a 2 year old daughter and he loves my son from my earlier marriage even sees him as his own.
I tend to daydream about guys I met on my business trips (not cheating just daydream about them)
They are usually full of emotions and smile and be just happy.
I don't know if I am where I am supposed to be, but some times, rarely it just feels wrong...
I feel hopeless..
Kerry Adams on July 31, 2018:
My boyfriend is being mean to someone at St Geroges day canter he upset Kerry Adams Marcus told me about everything
Alexis on July 30, 2018:
How hard is it to have a good guy stay the way they were when you met them? I have only loved him more and yet he is selfish and unappreciative. He didn't get me a birthday gift after being together over a year and a half. I do so much and show him love all the time. We are both hard workers. But he has become so distant and cold. I know he loves me more than anything but it scares me that he is a white liar and sometimes it scares me that he says things and does differently. I have tried everything, but now I am going to play his hand back. I am going to show him what he is missing and if he doesn't get the point he will be missing me. I love him but I am not going to hurt myself doing it.
Susan on April 27, 2018:
I met this guy and it felt like love at first site but we have not been dating long. I am a single mom of three kids and he has none but says he wants me and the kids, an instant family but when I do not give him enough attention or us being intamate dose not happens when he wants because my kids are around, he says he understands but them makes me feel like crap to where I feel like I did something wrong and I know I didn't but I will start to cry after he leaves because I don't want to loose him but I don't want to feel this way neither. I have talked to him about it and he says sorry that he was only being selfish but dose it again. And gose from texting me something wonderful to short answers like, Yup. And sometime if I don't text him right back he would say, I guess you don't want me no more and feel like I have to make him feel better and I know I don't but I don't want to loose him nither. What do I do.
Heartbroken on April 01, 2018:
He is selfish and egoistic. Like always he is correct and im guilty.. always. I keep on avoiding the fight so i accept it but its getting worse day by day. He want me to marry him but then i cant work, then a baby. Like he says he is loyal and does not abuse me physically but this mental abuse is getting worse. He has no female friends. That ok. But when i have any male friends he checks my phone, messages and always put me in question. He says im lucky getting hmi. So i have to be like him. I want a breakup but then he telling im a bitch im not loyal. He not breaking up with me by making emotionaltorture. Please help me out
missunknownwithbrokenheart on January 06, 2018:
my boyfriend had bad attitude, ego and selfish. i dont know how to deal with it. when he enjoying with his friend, he forget about me. im not so important to him :")
Lady on October 19, 2017:
I think this is very good advice,
not all men are selfish just the ones with big egos.
Leave the selfish ones to work on themselves
Its too much work.
And get with a guy that has already grown into himself
And knows the value of other people.
And more importantly, knows the value of you.
Life shouldn't be this difficult.
Michelle on August 01, 2017:
Why men so selfish
Anon on March 12, 2017:
Some of this advice is very immature. You should be open with how you feel to your partner. Not replying to his texts or calls and brushing off physical intimacy is going to do nothing but make matters worse. Tell him how you really feel in a respectful manner. If that doesn't work, then he isn't the one for you.
Kristen on February 05, 2017:
My ex is very selfish. He got defensive about me coming over to his apartment. He would ignore my texts for days. He didn't want to go places 50% of the time. I would do things most of the time with him even if I didn't want to do them. The relationship ended in a strange way. He said he was sick and then I discovered he was out with his friends. It's been 18 days since I've heard from him and haven't seen him in over a month. He left a lot of crap here and didn't come to get his package so I returned it to sender. Rough....
frumpleton on September 23, 2016:
I had a 22 year relationship with a sort of selfish man. I loved him despite his faults because he did other, small things for me. I got upset plenty of times. I supported him. He worked for 1 year while we lived together. I ended up doing most of the chores. But he ended up always helping in other ways. He rarely spent any money because he didn't have any. I guess I felt sorry for him, so I put up with it. I'd yell at him and storm out but he would come looking for me. Money and gifts aren't everything. And, he wasn't very concerned about my needs, either, so I stopped sleeping with him. We still lived together, anyway. He died last winter. I'm not sorry for having him in my life. I wish he had been less selfish, though. I guess, maybe fight fire with fire if you really don't care if he likes it or not. That's what I ended up doing.
Deborah Demander Reno from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on July 15, 2016:
Being in relationships is hard. Especially with a selfish person. This seems like good advice, but if your guy is selfish, you don't win anything by acting immature and manipulative.
I think giving examples of his selfish behavior, and giving examples of how you would prefer to be treated can help.
and ultimately, only you can decide if there is potential for a real relationship. You can't change other people. You can only change yourself.