How to Successfully Deal With the Toxic Person in Your Life

Updated on August 8, 2017
Erin Stryker profile image

Erin is a freelance writer living in North Carolina She has a wide, eclectic range of interests, experience, and knowledge.

Stop the Toxic Whirlwind

Most of us have a toxic person in our lives that we cannot just walk away from because they are an integral part of our lives. They are our bosses, co-workers, or exes we co-parent with. Yes, you could eliminate those situations, but finding a new job, or distancing yourself from your minor child's parent is easier said than done. And so, you must find ways to successfully deal with a toxic person and still have peace of mind.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could press a couple of buttons and reboot our brains to “last known good configuration” like we do our computers after a bad update? Dealing with a toxic person has no doubt driven you to question your own sanity and you probably don’t even feel like you anymore. In fact, you feel an awkward combination of angry and numb from dealing with noxious blasts of drama that have impaired your ability to process a logical thought and left you feeling like you are trapped in a swirling vortex of chaos. The good news is you can reboot and take back your sanity almost as easily as pressing a few buttons but, in this case, not pressing buttons is what’s going bring your exhausted, foggy mind back to the last known good configuration. What I mean by that is, don’t engage in the drama the toxic person so desperately needs to create. It can be done. Showing a toxic person that you aren’t going to be his/her source for toxic nourishment is the most successful way of dealing with them.

Source

Toxic people feed off of results - the term emotional vampire is most fitting. They need to see the chaos, destruction and sadness they’ve caused. They crave anger, tears, yelling and retaliation from you. Ultimately, their toxic nourishment is knowing that they’ve ruined your day and caused drama that will echo throughout your life. Don’t feed them; for example, don’t use social media to vent. We’ve all seen ambiguous posts that read something like “ Idk why people have to be so immature. I’m so tired of stupid drama.” Or, "I wish I could punch someone at work". Guess what? You’ve just simultaneously created more “stupid drama” and satisfied the emotional vampire to some degree. Vent to a friend, scream into a pillow, talk to yourself, take deep breaths and pity her because she is an incredibly unhappy person and probably always will be. Write down everything you’d love to say to her on a piece of paper and then burn it (in a safe place of course). Watch it burn - let your anger and frustration burn up with paper until it is ash. Just make sure whatever you do doesn’t give this toxic person ammo for more drama or the satisfaction of having caused you grief.

When you're dealing with a toxic person at work or the person you co-parent with, keep a record. Whenever possible, only communicate through email, text, anything that is an original transcription of the conversation. Record all conversations that are not able to be had through written means. Always have a record. My experience with this is when you call a toxic person out (let's say for lying), in writing, they suddenly want to talk to you on the phone. They don"t want record of them lying. I flat out refused to have a verbal conversation (I know that is not always an option), with the toxic person in my life and she slowed way down on the drama - involving me anyway.

Listen, I know at times you want to tell her how horrible she is or make her feel as bad as she makes you feel or cause chaos in her life but know this - a toxic person already hates herself and she loves the drama and chaos because it makes her feel powerful and important. You will never make her understand that she is the genesis of her miserable existence so don’t give her your energy. Not responding to her isn’t being weak and it doesn’t mean she “wins”. It means you are choosing to leave the drama behind. It means you are choosing to be smarter. It means you are taking control of the situation by diffusing it. You are taking back your sanity and she will be confused by that. Not getting a reaction or creating problems will disillusion a toxic person. Be prepared, she may try a little harder to cause issues since things that use to bother you don’t seem to be working anymore but, don’t give in. Be in control. Don’t feed her; like a stray cat - if you put food out, it will come looking for more. When you stop feeding it, it will eventually move on. It may come back looking for food every now and then but as long as there isn’t any (not even a crumb), it will meow a little and go away.


© 2017 Erin Stryker

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    • profile image

      What does it matter 2 months ago

      Hi- I think you are frigging awesome

    • Erin Stryker profile image
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      Erin Stryker 2 months ago from North Carolina

      “Yuri Kuntz”, while your pseudonym is clever - it is “childish”, transparent, and indicative of someone who is angry and may very well see themselves as toxic, or possibly has been told they are toxic. That being said, I would ask that you reread the article. Your comment states that I advise people to “walk away” when, in fact, the article is about dealing with toxic people that you cannot walk away from. The first sentence of the first paragraph reads as follows, “...toxic people in our lives that we cannot just walk away from”, (co-workers, bosses, exes we co-parent with). The article is about not engaging the drama and dealing with these people on a strictly unemotional level and was not written from a “bitter”, “vindictive”, or “jealous” place, (I do not harbor feelings of jealousy for those who are unable to love themselves or maintain happy, healthy relationships -I feel badly for them). It was written from a place of peace and understanding to help people dealing with inescapable toxic situations in a world where toxicity is becoming a norm. I have received many emails from people who have read this article and found the information useful and helpful - those are who this article is for. I am sorry you found it insulting and took it personally especially since we do not even know each other. I will add, however, that your response to my article is an excellent example of projection.

      I hope you are enjoying the sunny NC weather today.

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      Yuri Kuntz 2 months ago

      My take on this article is that the author is bitter and vindictive. Interesting how she talks about walking away, yet she writes and publishes something that clearly is instigating. Quite childish, I must say and more than likely driven by jealousy.

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      Kristen Devine 4 months ago

      I have been through everything Erin has talked about in her article. All she said is so true. Thank you for your article I truly needed to read that.