Is My Partner Cheating: How to Find Out
How to Catch Them Cheating: When Do Privacy Rights Become Involved?
If it is one thing I have learned through my unfortunate and unpleasant experience with infidelity, its that cheaters are either one of two things: either sloppy cheaters, or extremely secretive cheaters. Don't get me wrong, there is also a host of various other information I learned through my ordeal- some of which I will share with you and some of which I simply cannot. (Mainly because telling you what I really learned about cheating and it's aftermath and how I really feel about same would probably jeopardize my eloquence.) I often find myself digressing, so lets begin.
In order to catch your partner cheating, a few fundamentals hold true: You have to actually believe, feel or have some small type of curiosity or evidence into their current infidelities.
Throughout my own personal saga, and a lot of time spent on infidelity forums and message boards, I can share with you something I picked up on fairly quickly: Some people that suspected infidelity had absolutely no solid explanations as to why and that is perfectly acceptable. Remember, that most times, a gut feeling is what will lead you to believe infidelity is happening and should never be disregarded. However, some of these people's gut feelings could be chalked up to nothing more than insecurity and jealousy. For example: "I cheated on my wife six years ago and I just feel that she is going to get back at me, so how can I spy on her?" I faced those types of questions, read those types of questions and generally fired off in anger with a response to messages such as that.
I agree one hundred percent with anyone that says cheating is devastating and that as a partner, you have a right to know if you are being cheated on. I do not agree however that without merit and some type of basis behind hidden accusations, that just anyone should be spied on.
Ah.. the subject of spying on your partner! This is quite a controversial subject both offline and online and will be addressed mercifully in this article. Most of the hype surrounding "how to catch your partner cheating" will ultimately rise to the subject of "are their rights being violated", as well. Does it take away from the right of suspicious partners everywhere to know if they are being cheated on or not? Of course not.
So in essence, you are here because you fully believe your partner is cheating and have, I hope, some evidence or basis to support that outside of unrealistic insecurities. Great, lets begin.
There are several ways to catch a partner cheating. I will have to venture so far as to say that none of these are straightforward, as almost all of them contain a catch or two. It is my sincerest hope that you take my writing as constructive advice and tread lightly on this matter. Actually uncovering infidelity in your relationship is one of the most heart breaking things I personally believe can happen to an individual.
Time and time again, you will see "ask them" as generalized advice on how to catch a cheater. I can tell you from my own experience with infidelity, that "asking them" has pros and cons that you should understand.
First, most cheaters cheat simply because they want to. It goes without saying then that often times, people who do something they want to do are unwilling to sacrifice their behavior. There is quite a high chance that if you ask your partner if they are cheating, they aren't going to give you an honest answer. Why? For various reasons: They aren't willing to sacrifice or stop their behavior, they don't want to lose their cheating partner, they don't want to deal with the aftermath, and more than likely: because they are selfish. Also please be aware asking your partner if they are cheating will let them in on a small secret: you're suspicious. If you confront a partner who truly is cheating and they deny your allegations, they become wiser. You now have a cheater on your hands who is going to cover his or her tracks a bit more carefully- making catching them that much harder.
However , depending on how long you have been with your partner, if it is one thing you can probably do, it is detect when they are lying. I have run into quite a bit of individuals who have told me: "I asked my partner if they were cheating, and right away I knew he or she was lying when they said no". My ex, for example,used to always fumble his fingers and glance to the left when he was lying. Not only did he use this behavior with me, I also witnessed him doing it when he lied to his Mother, etc. When I originally asked my then partner if he was cheating on me, he replied "no" and became quite defensive (typical of a cheater) yet he was fumbling his forefingers together and staring at the floor.
The decision on whether or not to simply ask your partner if they are cheating on you is truly yours to take. I know a handful of people that have got a truthful response from any line of questioning of this sort, and ultimately, I also know a scattering more of individuals who were lied to. Having been a member of an infidelity forum for quite some time, I can honestly say that I would give a percentage of honesty 90/10, meaning 90 percent of posters had gotten lied to while only 10 percent received a truthful ( or partial truth) response.
Snoop or Spy
This has to be the most controversial issue out there regarding discovery infidelity. While most of the information you find is completely opinionated ( as will mine be), there is a fact or two one should know, and those are: Even if you are married, your spouse still has the right to privacy by law. Likewise, you can violate the privacy rights of your spouse in several different ways. I would urge anyone that takes this method to proceed with great caution when it comes to snooping or spying on their spouse or partner. However, one thing that I will tell you is that I fully promote snooping and or spying in order to find out if your partner is cheating. Based on my opinion, I am of the belief that when two partners live together whether married or not, you have the right to know what is going on in your relationship as much as you have the right to your own privacy. Accordingly, your partner or spouse has the same rights. When we buy a product, do we not research it? If something goes wrong with our product, do we not investigate it? Unfortunately, we can't order new parts or return our spouses or partners when they cheat on us. Where then, does one begin and one end regarding spying on their partner? How far is too far and when is one clearly crossing the line?
Let's begin with a few typical ways of discovering infidelity in your relationship that clearly crosses no privacy rights and or boundaries. I am not an attorney nor profess to be one. If a right to privacy and violating such is a concern to you, please consult with an expert in the matter before snooping on your partner.
The dirties of snooping can include:
- Read the cell phone and house bill. You are absolutely in no violation of anything whatsoever by reading a cell or house bill that comes to your home, and in your name. If it doesn't come to your house and you instead rush over to your partner's house, open his or her mail box and feast your eyes, please know that you are not violating just one, but several different laws. If the cell and or phone bill comes to your house but not in your name, and has already been opened by the addressee and in plain site for anyone to read, I wouldn't find human error in reading that bill.
- Call any suspicious numbers that you find, at a reasonable time, when you KNOW where your partner is ( for certain). There are several reasons for hanging onto a number that you find and planning before you call it. Please do not make the mistake of calling the number from your phone directly. If all else fails in obtaining someone to call the number for you, at least block your number before you call. If you can have a friend call the number while you are present, that would be perfect. For example, say you find 555-5555 on your partner's cell phone bill (or even on their phone) as a frequent inward or outward text or call. It should come as no surprise that if you are going to snoop, you want to protect your privacy as well. Say you call the number at 6:00 p.m. when you have no idea where your partner is, using your cell phone that he clearly knows the number to. Chances are, your partner's other man or other woman is going to say "I have no idea whose number this is". This will of course gather your partner's attention who will immediately recognize the number as yours. This is not a good scenario and one you really shouldn't put yourself into.
So be tricky when calling phone numbers that are questionable to you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with calling a particular phone number at 3:00 p.m. when you are sure without a doubt your partner is still at work. Instead of asking "who is this" , which generally most anyone will take offense to and retort with "You called me, who is this?" , invest in something sneakier. In my former relationship ,when I found a particular number being called and texted, I implemented a plan. While I was 100 percent certain that my now ex fiancé was still at work, my sister came over with her cell phone. She blocked her cell phone number so that it would come up as private when she dialed the number. When a woman's voice answered the phone, she said "Hi Jen, how are you doing?" in her best "I know you voice" she could possibly use. The woman on the other line sort of chuckled and said "Wow, this is Katy, I am pretty sure you have the wrong number." Bingo. I had a name to go with the number. It was a starting point that paid off well for me.
- Research any phone numbers that are suspicious. A generalized Google search can often times bring up the owner of a particular number, especially if it is a business. There are quite a few reverse cell phone and reverse phone number programs that you can use for a flat rate fee to find out who a number belongs to as well. ( and you'd be surprised at the other information you can find, such as address on that person too, etc.) Switchboard is a great free website tool to use, but unfortunately does not give information on cell phones, only land lines.
- If you are so lucky as to already have a name in mind as a target other man or other woman, use as many social networking sites as you can. Start with Google and type in the other man or other woman's first and last name. Then check sites such as myspace, twitter, facebook, etc. With using Google, you may be able to put a face to any name, and if you have come this far, you may have gotten a name from a number and are now working on a face to that name.
- GPS Trackers. Again, this is a controversial topic, and with warranted validity, I might add. Installing a GPS on your girlfriend's car that lives 100 miles away from you is more than likely going to land you with serious charges. However, installing a GPS on a car that both you and your partner mutually own is perfectly legal. Again, check any laws in your state and go from there. With a GPS tracker, you can find out exactly where your partner is, and how many miles they have driven that day.
- SIM CARD READERS: Before I even begin this, let me first tell you that in order for a sim card reader to work, a cell phone must have a sim card. To put this as easily as possible, a sim card is a tiny plastic device on the back of a cell phone, usually underneath of the battery. This sim card holds a wealth of information about a phone, ie., its the computer or brain of a phone. When a person deletes incoming and outgoing text messages for example, there is a high chance that even though the phone itself no longer shows the messages- that the sim card DOES. That is how and when a sim card reader comes in handy. If you are able to access your partner's cell phone, you remove the sim card and place it into the sim card reader. After doing that, you plug the sim card reader into your computer much like you would plug a camera or ipod into it. A program on your computer that should have come with the reader will open up and allow you to view *some* or *most of* the information that has been deleted from the phone, including the content of text messages. Please be aware that using a sim card reader can also get you in trouble, especially when the phone is not registered to you- and, that they are becoming obsolete. More and more cell phones are being made without external sim cards. If your partner has a blackberry, I can assert right now to not even waste your time- blackberrys do not have sim cards. For more information on Sim Cards, the best place to start is with a generalized internet search.
- Keyloggers. Again, this is a controversial subject. In the latter listed above, it is completely illegal to install a keylogger on for example, your girlfriend's computer. Even if your girlfriend lives with you, keylogging someone else's computer that is registered in their name is quite illegal. Proceed with caution. There is a host of keyloggers available for purchase on the internet. A keylogger is exactly what it sounds like: it logs the keys typed on a keyboard, at any and all times you have it set to log. Incidentally, when my now ex fiancé was cheating on me, he installed a keylogger on my computer. To add insult to his injury, he left the keylogger open in the menu tray before he left for work one morning. He also left his email wide open as well. Not only did I find out he was cheating on me, I also found out he had been cheating on me. It is not unusual for a partner that is cheating to suspect YOU are. Their mentality is one of guilt: Well if I am capable of cheating and doing it, then they must be too! I wasn't cheating on my ex, but him installing a keylogger to quell his own insecurities helped bust him cheating on me. I still must giggle and say thanks to that.
- Voice activated recorders. A voice activated recorder is exactly what it sounds like: it records voice when it hears it. There are a plethora of individuals who have caught their partners cheating by using this method, as well as the many others. I personally know of individuals who have left voice activated recorders in the family car, a bedside dresser or hutch, etc., and have captured some pretty incriminating evidence.
- Hire a private detective. One of the safest, yet priciest ways to catch a cheater is to hire an outside source. Private detectives come from a variety of backgrounds and know the laws regarding privacy and privacy rights of individuals. Thus, if they make an error, it is hardly your fault. If you have the funds to access this method of discovery infidelity, I would highly recommend it.
- Research your partner. Often times as normal human beings, we get sidetracked with the "who could they be cheating with" question that we don't pause to ask "how are they cheating?" In order to cheat, a cheater needs two things: time and opportunity. If they don't have time, they are going to find it, and if they don't have opportunity, they are going to plan it. Workplace emails that cannot be accessed as well as work issued cell phones is making infidelity and catching same pretty notorious these days. However, a few simple steps can either confirm or deny your suspicions in some cases. Again, I would start by using a search engine. Not only can you type in your partners first and last name as well as city to narrow the search, you can also search their email addresses. By typing in an email address into a search engine, you can very well find various sites that your partner is or has been visiting. If you have access to their email accounts, by all means read everything you can get your hands on inside of those emails. Check facebook and myspace as well as free dating sites for any prospective people that could be your cheating partner. Some cheaters are sloppy and will create a social internet site thinking you are somewhat of a dragon who cannot access the internet. Other cheaters can be quite discrete and make secretive and private profiles. It is your decision how long you wish to chase down a ghost on social networking sites.
Set Them Up or Trick Them
It has never been illegal to trick someone or set them up, as long as doing so does not cause harm to them. While I consider myself a mature adult, I must say that I spent a small amount of time setting small traps for my now ex fiancé. While knowing what I was doing, I was inadvertently testing his ability to be honest about a subject that could incriminate him.
It wasn't long after my then partner started his affair, that I began to notice *someone* was riding in my passenger seat, and a lot. When I say *my* passenger seat, I really do mean that this was my vehicle. In fact, I had purchased this vehicle two years before I met him. This was the same car I let him drive back and forth to college, as I also owned another vehicle for my personal use.
However, our daily errands were usually spent with him driving and me being in the passenger seat. I immediately noticed that something did not feel quite "right" about my car. More often than not, my car was cleaned out when I hadn't cleaned it out, and I was constantly having to readjust my passenger side seat to fit my long legs. I had already had a sneaking suspicion my then fiancé was cheating, and this was helping my suspicions along.
Was I angry? You better believe it. Did it take the strength of ten thousand small panicked breaths to keep my mouth closed on the issue? You better believe it. So, I implemented a plan.
Fully believing that my then partner was driving someone around in my car infuriated me. But, I also knew I had to find out if it was true or not. One day before my then fiancé left for college, I placed a small tube of lipstick on the floor board of my passenger side. Not only was this a color I wouldn't wear, I had also smeared the makeup down a bit to make it look used. When he returned from college later that night, I announced I needed to run to the store. I searched through my car up and down and that tube of lipstick was gone. Why? My then fiancé didn't know whose lipstick it was. Considering the car is mine, the right thing for him to do would have been return the item to me. Instead, the item completely disappeared. This made him look guilty. Instead of saying anything about it, within a week's time I left a small manicure kit in my car. Again, the manicure kit ended up missing, as my then fiancé did not return it to me. Those that have nothing to hide, generally hide nothing.
The point is my now ex found those items to be incriminating because he didn't know if they truly were mine or if his lover was leaving them behind. His safest bet was to eliminate the items completely.
There is a plethora of things you can do ( and quite maturely I might add) to confirm your suspicions. Some wish not to take this venue, and that is perfectly acceptable. For me, there was nothing quite like making my cheater a bit panicked. Perhaps another time, I can let you in on how I informed the other woman that she was in my car. By this time, I knew for sure he was cheating on me, and with using my own methods knew his other woman's name, address, cell phone number, date of birth, criminal history and even parent's name. Ok, ok, its just too good to let go. In one of my most immature moments, I decided to write on my jet black car using yellow welding markers. If you weld or know anyone that does, they can tell you that scrubbing that off can be quite impossible.
One night, taking the yellow welding marker, I wrote on the back bumper of my black Grand Am "He's engaged. Hello". I also wrote another sentence but it's completely inappropriate to convey here. The next morning, I walked him out to the car to make sure he entered the car from the front and didn't walk around the back of the car for any reason. Awe- there he went... on his way to pick up his other woman and there went my message with him. Long story short, she had no idea I existed but did after she read the message on the back of the car. He came home from college early and knew he was caught. It was only moments after he arrived that the other woman was contacting me.
Be tricky and be sneaky if you want to catch a cheater. Furthermore, make sure you build a concrete plan on when to address them. No matter how hard your emotions try to get a hold of you, you must remain secretive until you gather enough evidence to present to your cheating partner. Why? Cheaters lie, that's why. You can present them with the name of the person you think they are having an affair with, and still not obtain the truth. Unfortunately, they can schmooze over your suspicions or even try to convince you that you are paranoid.
There is wealth of information and tools you can find when it comes to catching a cheater, but I do hope I have given you some great ideas. As long as you don't overstep legal boundaries, my personal opinion is to stop at nothing. You really do have a right to know who you are with.