I am a writer and a scientist. I've read several books about blamers, and I want to share what I've learned.
What Is a Blamer and How to Identify One
They go by many different names: Debbie Downer, Negative Nelly, emo, the-glass-is-half-empty kind of person, crazymaker, pessimist, et cetera, et cetera. They come in many different forms, from the kid that lives in the dorm room down the hall who talks about death all day and complains about not having friends to the over-critical and overbearing mother-in-law. No matter what name you call them by, or how you know them, this kind of person always sucks the life right out of you. They kill your confidence with a single remark, twist your good news into bad news in seconds, make a happy, healthy person depressed, and they generally just make life miserable. It’s nearly impossible to experience joy in their presence, and their bad mood and biting remarks always seem to spread.
Dealing with a negative person is never pleasant, but blamers can be the worst type. A 'blamer' is a type of narcissist (meaning they have an inflated sense of self) who, in their own eyes, can do no wrong. Everything that happens wrong around or to them, whether their own fault or not, is immediately blamed on the other people in their life. For example, if they got in a car accident, it’s your fault for distracting them. If they steal your phone and start rooting through it, it’s your fault for leaving the phone out. If they didn’t get the job, had a bad day at work, or burnt dinner, somehow, someway they will make it the fault of the people around them. Blamers are the most difficult type of negative person to deal with, and dealing with them often leaves you stressed, depressed, and feeling guilty for things that are not your fault.
The best thing to do is to ignore or avoid the Negative Nelly in your life or get them out of your life as quickly as possible. Cut the cord, and never look back. That is the advice most self-help books will give you. But for many of us, that just isn’t possible. Maybe that person is your parent or sibling, maybe that person is your roommate and you can't move, or—even worse—maybe that person is your boss, the guy who never has anything nice to say, and you have to look at pictures of kittens and rainbows just to get through the day.
How one deals with your common, everyday Debbie Downer will not work on a blamer. You need to adopt different techniques. But it can be difficult to even identify a blamer, let alone know when to use these different techniques.
There is no personality type associated with a blamer; they come in all walks of life. However, below are typical traits and common characteristics to help you identify whether or not that negative person in your life is really a blamer, and what you can do about it.
Common Personality Traits of Blamers
1: Will never take responsibility for their mistake
A blamer refuses to admit they have ever done anything wrong. In a blamer's mind, they honestly believe this to be true. They will always consider themselves a victim, and no matter what really happened, if something goes wrong it is always someone else's fault. So they will not apologize, for anything, because they consider themselves blameless in every situation.
If by rare chance they do apologize, it will always be a backhanded apology. Somehow the blamer will turn it around on you and make you feel guilty for their mistake. Ex: I'm sorry you’re mad at me, but it’s your fault for starting it.
This can especially be prominent in the workplace, as a blamer will always take credit when things are going good, and will always blame everyone around them, but themselves, when things are going bad.
Nothing is ever their fault. If you know a blamer, then this probably sounds pretty familiar.
2: Refuses to admit that they are wrong
A blamer will argue a point to death. Even if you provide them with proof that they are wrong, they will argue that your proof or your facts are wrong. They will even use facts that they have made up to argue their point. You will never win, because a blamer is never wrong.
Even if a blamer knows what they did or said was wrong, they will never admit it. They will keep arguing until you give up so they never have to admit they were wrong.
3: You feel awful after almost all of your interactions with them
Blaming others for their failures makes them feel better about themselves and their failures. So blamers will do everything in their power to make their failure your fault, making you feel guilty for things which you have no control over.
Blamers make you feel fearful of taking risk, especially toward your dream goal, If you fail they’ll be there to say “I told you so." It makes you afraid to take chances, afraid to try for your dream and when you do try, you’re second guessing yourself the entire time. That little voice in your head telling you that you can't make it, that is really the blamer in your life.
Blamers are also constantly criticizing you and other people, and constantly making negative comments about people. Nothing nice ever comes out of their mouth. Ex: You bring your report card home with 5 A's and and 1 B. They'll make a comment, such as "well you didn't get all A's." And then they won't understand why you are upset because they are 'only telling the truth.' Which leads us to our next trait.
4: Unaware of how much their attitude hurts other people
Blamers honestly have no clue just how horrible they really are.
Who has heard this one? "I was only being realistic." or "I was only joking." Neither of those are excuses for their hurtful comments, but for them it means they're faultless. They couldn't possibly have hurt your feelings, or they couldn't possibly be being mean if they were only telling the truth. Or somehow attaching an 'I was only joking' on the end of a nasty comment makes everything okay.
Blamers do not believe there is anything wrong with their conduct and sometimes that is the worst part. They will never know how nasty they really are.
5: Glass is half-empty
Typical of your usual Debbie Downer, blamers will only look at the negatives in every situation. There are no positives, ever, for them.
6: Believes their needs are more important than yours
The most important person to a blamer is themselves. Remember they are narcissists. Their needs and wants are more important than anyone else’s in the family or workplace. Ex: Your parent will expect you to make sacrifices so that they can get dentures, but they will refuse to pay for you to get braces.
They will also expect you to drop everything to focus on them. If they need you to take them shopping, even if you’ve told them you are too busy or have other plans and that they need to find alternative solutions or wait a day, they will still expect you to be there. In fact they will guilt trip you into it if you don't do it.
7: Escalates if you defend yourself or fight back
If you try to defend yourself from their verbal abuse, they will escalate the fight. They will bring up moments in the past that are not relevant to the current argument, make up facts, remind you of that one time they did that one thing for you all those years ago, anything to make you feel bad about yourself and to make themselves feel better by ‘looking good’.
They are also hyper sensitive to criticism, real or imagined. They do not take criticism well at all. If you criticize anything about them, even though you’ve probably listened to them criticize everything about you for the last half hour, they will lash out viciously. If you dare criticize them, you better be prepared for them to blame all of their shortcomings on you.
A blamer is always paranoid that you are talking about them because they believe everything is about them.
Blamers are also an expert at turning the tables, or in other words, distorting your words or putting words in your mouth. They make manipulation look easy. Ex: Your parent is a blamer, and you tell your therapist about the verbal abuse and emotional manipulation they put you through. The blamer then pesters you about what you talk about with your therapist until you tell them. They then make you feel guilty for talking about it with your therapist and for ever even thinking such things in the first place. Or they are criticizing you about something, you’re too fat, you have no friends, etc. You make a comment back to them, and then you have to listen to them tell you for the next half hour that you are a horrible person and have no sympathy for criticizing them.
8: Hates change
To be fair, nobody likes change, but a blamer will often freak out if you so much as change one tiny detail of their plans or environment.
9: Their way or the highway
This goes along with the fact that they hate change. Blamers will not change their ways, and they will not compromise. You do it their way, or you don’t do it at all. They either get what they want, or they’ll refuse to participate. They refuse to see anything from anyone else’s pov. Even if your way is better, you cannot reason with a blamer.
10: Exaggerates their success and their problems
That tiny headache is suddenly a 'migraine.' Or they are taking a ton of medicines for problems they dont' really have. I often call this 'crying wolf,' as something is always wrong with them even though it is usually not true. The same goes for their successes, which ends up with them bragging about the smallest accomplishment.
11: Is immature and childish
If you often feel like you are dealing with a child and not an adult, you are probably dealing with a blamer. They will often repeat things over and over and over again, horrible things about you or the people around them. They are extremely selfish and always put their needs first, just like a child, and just like a child they do not accept responsibility for their actions.
12: Never has anything nice to say
Blamers are a disdainful and demeaning person. You often want to believe they can be nice, especially if that person is your spouse or parent, but they are never nice. Do not let yourself fall into the trap into believing they can be nice or a good person.
Every ‘nice comment' they make is really just veiled criticism.
Not every blamer will have all these traits and the blamer in your life may have other characteristics not listed here. But all blamers leave you feeling horrible about yourself after interacting with them.
Here's how to curb those negative thoughts and feelings that interacting with a blamer leaves you with.
How to Deal With Blamers
After scouring the internet, reading a few books on the subject and through my own dealings with the blamer in my life, I have discovered that there really is no good way to deal with blamers.
You are going to have to put your personal feelings aside and be the bigger person, which is really, really hard to do. Their attacks are childish and immature, and it is really easy to get sucked into mimicking their behavior. There is no easy way to deal with them. You can try avoiding them, but then they leave you a text message or voicemail, or make a passing remark at a family outing that sends you into a rage. Cutting them completely out of your life is the best thing to do, but if you can't, these tips might help.
1: Accept that you cannot change them
They will never take responsibility for their actions. They will never say sorry. They will never change. They will never admit to ever having done anything wrong, because they don’t believe they ever have. A blamer is not going to change, because they do not believe they need to. Blamers believe they are perfect. So stop trying to change them. It is never going to happen.
You also have to give up on trying to live up to their expectations. No matter how hard you try, you will never do anything perfect in their eyes, so trying harder will not make them nicer or say less horrible things to you. You have to let go of the belief that if you just tried harder, if you were just perfect, then they wouldn’t say such awful things anymore, they would accept you. But the truth is, they won’t, they never will. Blamers will always find something to criticize no matter how hard you try.
Often, for some unknown reason, we seek a blamer’s approval. You will never get it. Become confident enough in yourself so that you don’t need their approval.
2: Don’t get defensive
The minute you get defensive is the minute the fight escalates. Instead, listen to what they have to say, and demonstrate that you understand what they are trying to say. If you really are at fault, own up to your responsibility and ask them how to resolve the issue. If the blamer is at fault, make sure you can back up your argument with specific examples, but don’t attack them. Be as emotionless as possible. Do not let your anger get the best of you.
3: Put yourself in their shoes
This hardly, if ever, works for me. It’s not logical. Just because someone had a bad childhood, or a bad experience doesn’t mean they get to be a jerk. You can also put yourself in someone else’s shoes, understand where they are coming from and still hate them. Try to see things from their pov, though, try to understand where they are coming from and see if that helps you become more understanding and less prone to lashing out and getting hurt.
4: Don’t take their comments personally
This one is really hard as well when they are making the comments personal, like ‘you’re too fat’ or ‘you have no sympathy’ or ‘you will never succeed in life.’ These are all actual things I have heard from the blamer in my life. Sounds pretty personal to me. But usually when a blamer says these kinds of things, it is their own faults they are pointing out.
Also, just because one person says something about you doesn’t make it true. This is something I heard from a motivational speaker, whose name I do not know, but I believe the message is important: "Someone’s else’s opinion of you does not have to become your reality. You do not have to go through life being a victim." Realize that you are giving this person much more power over you than they deserve. Their comments don’t matter. What matters is what you believe.
The Father Abraham Song
5: Maintain your self-confidence (this is key)
Your self-confidence may be completely shattered because of what a blamer has said or done to you. Building self-confidence so that you do not believe what the blamer says about you is essential to dealing with a blamer. Part of the reason interacting with a blamer leaves you feeling horrible is because their hurtful words have planted a seed of doubt in you. You start thinking ‘maybe I’m not good enough,’ or ‘maybe they are right, maybe I am a horrible person,’ or ‘maybe it is really all my fault.’
Becoming confident in yourself and building your self-esteem will help you from falling into a blamer’s trap. They want you to feel bad about yourself so that they can feel better about themselves. Don’t let them. You need to be confident enough in yourself not to believe their lies, confident enough that their criticisms bounce right off of you. Building confidence is hard, but you can read books on the subject, and work hard at it every day until it happens, until you believe in yourself.
6: Avoid confrontation
Remember when I said blamers are immature? Dealing with a blamer is the same thing as dealing with a child. When has arguing or reasoning with a child ever worked out for you? So pretend you are dealing with a child, because essentially you are, and don’t argue with them. Just agree and walk away.
Don’t use logic or rational arguments. Logic doesn’t work on children, and it certainly does not work on blamers. I’ll give you an example that actually happened. Many of you may have heard of Father Abraham. According to history and the bible, Abraham is the father of Isaac who is the father of Jacob, who is the father of the 12 tribes of Israel. Essentially Abraham’s lineage begat the 12 tribes of Israel, not everyone on Earth. However, there is a children’s song that goes: “Father Abraham had many sons. Many sons had Father Abraham, I am one of them and so are you…” You get the picture. The blamer in this scenario based their entire argument, that Abraham was the father of everyone on Earth (i.e. everyone on Earth is a direct descendant of Abraham), on this song. This song was their only proof. Even when provided actual proof from the bible, and from history, and from the internet that Abraham was the father of the 12 Israel tribes and not everyone on Earth, this person refused to believe the proof. Instead, they kept singing the Father Abraham song over and over again (and I mean that literally, over and over and over again and you can listen for yourself how annoying the song is) as if that somehow made them right. Even though logic and proof was not on their side, to this day that person still thinks they right.
See what I mean? Don’t argue with a blamer. It will only make you upset.
7: Limit your interaction
Avoid them when possible. If you can’t, don’t talk to them alone, always have someone with you, especially if they have been singling you out for attack. If you find yourself alone with a blamer, keep your conversations brief, but informative, friendly and firm, but ultimately emotionless and opinion-less and then cut the conversation short as soon as possible.
8. Show no emotion
Be a ninja, show absolutely no emotions when talking to them. If they hurt you, they will use that to manipulate you later. If you express joy, they will also use that information to manipulate you with later. They suck the life out of you, so don’t show them your happiness either or they will pounce on it like a lioness on their prey.
Don’t let them bait you. Blamers are master manipulators, remember, so they will know how to get you to react, they know your emotional triggers. Don’t rise to the bait, remain calm and detached. Take a step back and think before you react emotionally. Getting emotional will only hurt you in the end. Don’t get angry and don’t play into their games. Say what you have to, be as polite as possible, and then hightail it out of there. Never give away what you really feel.
9: Always have a Plan B
Blamers are not dependable. If you asked them to pick you up from the airport, make sure you have an alternate way home, such as a bus or train, or another friend you can call. Because remember, in their minds their needs are more important than yours so they may not show up for something completely trivial.
Take everything they say with a grain of salt. Remember that Father Abraham argument the individual in the previous example used? They obviously believe it to be true, even though they were completely wrong. So don’t take what they say as fact, always double check and find out for yourself if it is really true.
That goes for what they say to you or about you as well. Treat it with a grain of salt because what they say is rarely true.
10: Put a barrier between yourself and them
Whether physical (a chair or table) or mental (an invisible wall in your brain), put some sort of barrier between you and the blamer. Pretend that barrier is blocking the things that they say so they cannot affect you.
Maintain your boundaries and do not let them cross your boundaries no matter what.
11: Don’t let them change you
Do not let them make you feel guilty for anything, it is not your fault nor are their problems your problems. Know what you want, or know what you believe, before going into the conversation so that they cannot change your opinion, or make you question any of your beliefs.
Make good life choices, and make good decisions that are healthy for you and that make you happy. Leave them out of your decision making as much as you can. Be positive and don’t let them change that.
This quote is from a favorite book of mine, because it is spot on in my opinion: “Part of the reason blamers are so destructive to their victims is they trigger intense emotions within the victims. Emotions including believing that you’re not good enough, or that nothing ever works out for you, or that you should never make mistakes, or it’s your responsibility to make sure that no one ever feels distressed or upset, or that when you’re criticized you’re supposed to feel bad or ashamed of yourself. Also, that you should always have respect and hold people like your boss or your significant other or your parent as being superior to you.
Realize that it’s not always your fault and it’s not always your responsibility to solve every issue that comes up. “ (From Blamers: Stopping the Anguish and Taking Back Control of Your Life by Catherine Pratt.) So make choices that are right for you and don't worry about what they will think about it.
12: Don’t give them advice
If you are at work and a blamer blames you for a bad decision because you gave them bad advice, then don’t give them advice anymore. Tell them they had the freedom to make their own decisions and did not have to follow your advice. Next time they come to you for advice, remind them of the incident and don’t fall into their trap again. Don’t let them bait you into giving advice,, and don’t let them make you feel guilty for not giving them advice.
The point of these tips is not to teach you how to beat a blamer at their own game. That’ll never happen. It’s just like that quote by Greg King: “Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.” The same principle applies here. The only real way to deal with a blamer is to change your reaction to them. Choose not to react. Be the bigger person. Change your life.
If you’ve read all of this and you are now thinking 'I shouldn’t have to change because they are a bad person,' you are probably holding on to a lot of anger. You may be justified in your anger, but in the end that anger will only hurt you. The only option for you, then, is cutting that person out of your life gently so you don’t have to deal with them anymore.
|Common Problems||Potential Solutions|
Blame their bad decision on your advice
Refrain from giving them advice again
Make you feel guilty and/or feel bad about yourself
Build your self-confidence
Make you react childishly or with anger
Show no emotion when speaking to them, and end conversations quickly
Never stick to their promises
Always have a Plan B or don't rely on them to begin with
Attack you personally
Avoid confrontation, never talk to them alone
Hurt by their comments
Try not to take their comments personally
If you wish to read up more on how to deal with a blamer try these two books:
It’s All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything by Bill Eddy
Blamers: Stopping the Anguish and Taking Back Control of Your Life by Catherine Pratt, ebook sold here.)
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
Allison on September 02, 2020:
This article describes my mother completely, I wish only for her not to be in my life, I know she can’t change, we hardly ever speak and when we do it’s negative, condescending and mindless foolish.
Lily on August 10, 2020:
Hey! Thank you so much for posting this article; it really cleared up things a lot for me! My dad is an absolute blamer, and it’s really quite upsetting because I can clearly tell we’re growing more and more distant by the day. I’d even become depressed because of him, which he chose to call puberty mood swings instead of taking it seriously. I’d always try to get him to apologise or fix his mistake but always failed and ended up crumpling into a ball of tears alone in my room. I’ve lost all my self-confidence now. Thanks to my mom who figured out my depressed state, I’m recovering. But she still doesn’t realise my dad’s a blamer so I can show her this article and then hopefully she can help talk it out with my dad.
This has been immensely helpful, once again thank you so much!!!
IQ on July 17, 2020:
This fits my elder sis to a tee. I am blamed for everything from my childhood til today for everything happening in her life. My mom would make us wear the twinsies look despite the age difference but she would lash out at me because I was tall she was short. I fought with mom and said I don't want same clothes as her, my sister spreads it in the family that I am the tall, clever, arrogant and overly independent bullying monster and she is the short, innocent, naive and weak victim. If I liked any clothes while shopping she said she wanted them first, it came to a point if she selected something I liked I would give it up to avoid fuss but then she would end up giving it up too! If I slept on one side of the bed she would have to sleep on that side. If I wear my hair in a particular way she will immediately go and copy it. If I cook she has to cook. It used to frustrate me so much. I decided when I was 12 years that I wouldn't be like her and forced myself to choose anything opposite her just to avoid being like her. She went to private med school and then international masters funded by family, my turn my parents/whole family said they couldn't afford anything private college so I went to local Arts college. I got admission on merit was so happy but she came to me and said what's to be happy about being a poor artist from a poor college. But I should never argue or fight back. its still my fault if she is sloppy, if she left the water tap unopened for hours, if she doesn't get along with other people, if she studied too hard while I was in Arts, if I am happy, if she has to do any house chore, if I bring the grocery, if I drive, for having different physique and hair, for having different likes than her. She gave me $10 to buy my birthday gift, on her birthday I gave them back as gift to her my mom goes berserk for being so poor mannered.
If I ever protest or gainsay her there is a tsunami in the house but what's more saddening is when everyone ends up calling her a victim and me the culprit for upsetting her. So many instances, some folks came for marriage proposal, I was asked to wear old clothes, not speak, no makeup/jewelry, stand in the back with the maid and disappear after greeting them while my sister shines but they still ended up asking for my hand, my fault. She fought with her colleagues/cousins/aunt's/uncles in two countries she is the victim while everyone else is the bully. Its hard, really hard being around her but my mom gets upset and angry at me for not working upon our relationship. It was the hardest day in my life realizing I actually hate my sister and being around her. I used to think all sisters must be like her and it still tears me up when I even see a kind gesture between two sisters.
Best time I had in my life was in college away from her. I remember one day my friend asked about the girl in my family pic and I realized I never mentioned anything about having a sister in 4 years.
Drk on June 22, 2020:
Hi Amber, Great write-up with such good details. It helped me. My wife is a Narcissist and it's hard to explain to people what she does. Now I have your article to give as a reference. Thanks so much.
SG on April 17, 2020:
I knew my husband is a narcissist and a big blamer but I always ignored. Have been married for 9 years and after reading this article it is 100% sure that I was right in believing what I thought of him is true. I even took up counseling sessions to maintain my calm when dealing with him. Some days he is nice and sometimes he is same worse and blaming over simple conversations. Promises and apologises Everytime but repeats his doings every few days.
Mac on March 12, 2020:
This is a very helpful article. Wish I saw it many years ago. I'm in a relationship/married thirty odd years and fell victim of a blamer. I got two sons 30 and 32 who I love dearly. Always tried to make it work, to only learn now I will never succeed. At this stage I do apply many of the do's and don'ts purly for my own survival and sanity. Lots of work to be done from my side, at 64 not sure of how much time I have.
Please stay in touch with related articals!
Pat on January 13, 2020:
This is for DF on the comments. This is your A whole different story for you because that is your son. Your son blames you probably for being a so not good parent. And partners always mostly always never care about other peoples kids so ofcourse hes going to send that and for you to accept ot says alot of why your son depress. STOP DOING EVERYTHING FOR HIM AND BE THERE FOR HIM. ASK HIM WHY HE FEELS THAT WAY and what can you do for him. The past is the past and theres nothing you can do bit to build a better relatiosnship with him. If he dont forgive and still hates your guts. Seek counseling to understand his needs. It dont seem like you understand. If your partner really really cared for your son he will find solutions for you to be happy with your son not to dissapeared in his life. Open your heart, open your eyes and open the bible. Have a bless day. Praying for your son. Amen!!!
Nick on November 24, 2019:
Ya my best friend and roommate is a narcissistic blamer. He owns the house we live in and anytime something goes wrong or missing or anything I am immediately blamed for it regardless of any evidence I provide and regardless of the fact I have been vindicated and proven innocent for every single charge against me. He never apologizes even when he has snobbishly promised to “grovel on [his] knees and lavish [me] with gracious apologies” well i was vindicated and proven innocent but he never apologized let alone groveled or whatever. Lol. He doesnt believe me when I or anyone else does something for him or anyonr else simply out of kindness... “no one would ever do that, just do something for someone. Your obviously lying...” I am always told I am a liar and untrustworthy even though I am always proven to have been truthful and innocent. He tells people lies about me like i dont pay rent. That he rescued me from homelessness and lord knows what else. I have caught him dead red handed in a lie and shoving the evidence of his lies in his facr he still maintains the lie. It’s outlandishly insane. He’ll claim I said something completely different than I did just to upset me. Its infuriating because he wasn’t always this way. I think he’s been using drugs for a yeat or two now since someone he was closer to than hell ever be again died. He knew they were dying but they forced him to keep it secret. I was the only person he confided in and I kept his secret. I don’t know why he began the devaluation stage with me. Ive only ever been his friend and yet people who have stolen thousands of dollars from him he treats better than me, someone who kept thier promises and never stolen from him. It makes me sick and sad because I have to cut him off and out of my life. He literally has stolen all my friends from me and tels people things ive done or ive created are things he did or thought of and he will do it right in front of me and if I say anything he expeetly flips it around on me to make me look like a jerk. Even though ive been vindicated he still maintains I must be a lying thief because it’s impossible for me not to be. Its such BS. He fabricates facts or stories about me agreeing to pay him $100 extra rent and things like that. He eats my food but hides his. He asks me for favors and cigarettes and money all the time at least 5 days a week and yet tells eveyone jts the other way around. The thing that upsets me the most is that all these people believe these horrible things he says about me! And ive never done anyhing to lend creedence to his BS and yet people believe it. I hate it! I just want him yo own up to being wrong and apologize but now i know he never will. Im tired of wasting my life on this type of sickness and I am not going to let him manipulate me again and stop me from leaving. He did it before and I even sold my car because he convinced me that I had to do it but he just wanted me to be crippled aNd reliant on him. He always screws me over if I need a ride from him and he has promised me one and agreed to the itinerary. He’ll either make me late or literally bail completely and its always my fault and if i get another ridr ive wasted his time and thats so fucked up he says even though I had waited for him for 3 hours... once i got locked out of the house one of these times i waited 3 hours for him to pick me up and he kept saying i am coming font worry im coming. I even saw him drive by and he didnt stop i called him and he said he had yo rush home and i said why didny you let me go wih you i been waiting for 3 hours and he said his needs were more important tvan mine to chjll out and wait because he didnt have time he had to meet someone at our hiuze. So i walked home because when they never showed up he got so mad it was my fault and he never said he wohld pick me up. I literally showed him the messages he sent saying he would pick me up promisingly and he said nah man you’re misinterpreting what i said. ?! This was after i knocked because he wont even make me a key to rhe house i pay to live in for a year now. No key! He gives them to everyone else but me... so he had to let me in and he chewed me out: “dude wtf is your problem do you know how hard it is for me to get uo off of my bed to let you in?! Your so selfish. Its fucked up dude. “ i thought he was joking so i laughed “why are you laughing at me man wtf is yohr problem?!” I said wait oh my god your serious? Dude you wont give me a key abd you locked me out. Do you know how hatd it is to walk home when you were supposed to be picked up becaise you have a sprained ankle and a hurt knee and its 95* Fuck outside and i have a three bags of groceries and we live 1000ft above sea level where the store i was at is?! I’m not even exaggerating one iota. I’m an empath as well so I find gratification in helping others so ive trapped myself. Its sick and twisted and your article is helping me change my life for the better! It also helped to get some of the grief off my chet detailing those stories. There are so many more. I dont know how to statt or where to start but I think its here and now with this article and this comment. Thanks
DF on October 27, 2019:
Hallelujah! I feel cleansed. Thanks for this amazingly informative post. My son is the blamer and has had me in tears on a daily basis. He has been diagnosed with depressive issues and I feel guilty for his condition and so he reminds me virtually every day. I am the source of all his problems and I try and to compensate for that by giving and doing everything that he wants. Thanks also to my partner for sending me this link. I read every passage and was nodding all the way through.
Liz on September 01, 2019:
My husband fits this description to a tee. Unfortunately I can’t avoid him. I am to blame for every problem in the marriage because I have developed intimacy issues as a result. The more I try to avoid conflict the more he sees me as cold and uncaring. It is a vicious cycle. My kids see it as well. There is no dealing with him. Always negative and critical. He blames his health and depression on my lack of showing him affection and having an intimate relationship. I avoid him because he makes me feel crappy and doubt myself or my worth.
I do see him as vulnerable and like a child who has been abused and just wants someone to love him but he doesn’t make it very easy. I’m too nice to point out this character trait because he will only deny it and I don’t want to hurt him. What can I do?
dawn on August 22, 2019:
My husband is a blamer. He'll take every little thing and make it a big deal. He blames me or my son for everything that goes wrong. He never takes any responsibility for what he does and rarely apologizes. His whole family is like this. I feel it is because, he came from a highly abusive family and this was his way to protect himself. For anyone who is a blamer, please get help. You can end this vicious cycle and live a normal life.
zeph on May 20, 2019:
thanks my mom is the blamer and she wont admit she is the one who entertained my marijuana consumption to get away from her but theres alot of things she does ppl dont know about but she tells them like im a bad kid from just weed when i can live up to it and tell anyone about it but she wont accept the fact that its because its her
Winnie on January 29, 2019:
Unfortunately, my partner is a blamer. I feel so innocent and do not know how to deal with him. It seems like there is no communication or discussion at all and it is not going to be change in the future.
JDC on December 10, 2018:
My friend is a blamer with a capital B. He fits every one of those traits and I have thought many times of cutting him out of my life but he helped me in a time of great need once when there was no one else. I help him out all the time but he does show sincere appreciation. He has no one else except his aging mother. When I'm with him though he stresses me. He blames everyone else for anything...His door starts squeaking...The guy who left the other day shut it to hard! He left the house without something and it was my fault cause I unplugged something to prevent him from breaking it and that distracted him. He got onions in his salad, its cause I didn't remind him and now he has to pick them all out! The blaming never ends.
Paula Brown on September 02, 2018:
My son is also the blamer, I am at a loss as to how to help him get out of this cycle, I used to feel bad, but refuse to anymore
Roshan on August 31, 2018:
what i understand from this article is ... u just cant change them.
Well i m stuck with a such a person, happens to be my wife. blaming me , kis, my parents for everything. she has uncontrollable anger. beats up kids, always shouting, please tell me what to do.
Apurna on March 28, 2018:
Great article.. It helped me a lot to idenrifyhow a blamer in my life who was making me unhappy, feeling burdened.. Lot of confusion,guilt washed away from my mind..Thanks a lot..
S Ball on June 27, 2017:
Great advise but cant walkaway from my son who is the blamer and is slowly killing me inside
vincent omurwa on October 17, 2016:
Good piece. get out of their world and do not let them use you and destroy you with their anger
JG on October 15, 2015:
Great advice. Do whatever you can to get out of their orbit. Bow out of their lives. Horrid horrid horrid people.
Confidential on May 18, 2015:
Well, interesting comments and many true. But you can't a relationship with people like this as they never stop provoking and they are purely hateful and evil. I've had enough and want them to move away and leave me alone. There is forgiveness and there is removing yourself from someone who makes you feel like hell.