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How Cheating Wrecks a Marriage and Other Relationships

Updated on June 17, 2016

Joined: 5 years agoFollowers: 142Articles: 5
Husband and Wife
Husband and Wife | Source

Trust and Distrust

Trust is the foundation that marriage rests upon, but when it is broken, it often remains that way. A spouse can forgive, but that painful experience will lurk in the offended spouse’s mind. They won't want to let down their guards for fear that it could happen again. For some, it is easier to forgive than to forget. Trusting and getting hurt is bad enough. Who wants to walk blindly and chance it to happen again? It is not uncommon for a wounded spouse to put up barriers of protection.

Distrust is very common between the spouses when one has cheated. Distrust is like padding to lessen the blow if cheating happens again. It is hoarded like rare coins and not easy to give up. On the other hand, it is certainly not impossible to trust again, but it usually does not happen easily or quickly.

One victim of cheating said that, after she reconciled with her husband, the effects of infidelity were like a beautiful wedding cake that had been snatched by a starving dog that got away with the tier, the crowning part of the cake. Getting the trust back was as likely as finding that dog and hoping that he would regurgitate the tier intact. The remaining cake was still beautiful, but the unforgettable tier, the most attractive layer, could be forever gone and sorely missed. How could a loving spouse take such beauty away from a loved one he promised to cherish? Such pain is often indescribable.

Secure Family with Father's Protection
Secure Family with Father's Protection | Source
Wondering Why Father Abandoned Them
Wondering Why Father Abandoned Them | Source

Lives Affected

Cheating doesn't only affect marriage. Cheaters victimize relationships with children, loving friends, other close family members, and themselves. Both cheaters’ families may suffer from pain, embarrassment, and awareness of community gossip. Such scandals seem to lower the integrity of whole families in communities. Even though this is stereotyping, whole families may suffer because of it. Children do not want their parents to suffer. Mothers and fathers do not want their married daughters to hurt needlessly. A good friend does not want to witness her best friend's husband in a compromising situation with another women. A cousin or an aunt does not want to hear gossip about their loved one from outsiders in the community. A grandmother does not want to discover that her prized grandson is a cheater. Young people contemplating marriage one day may lose respect for the union due to all of the infidelities in society, and celebrity gossip coming through the media does not help either. All of these visible experiences are painful for many family members and others to bear when going through the effects of cheating.

Children may feel that their father or mother, who has chosen another family, has traded them for other children. Children, often the most wounded victims, suffer many years at the alienation of a parent from the family. Many children suffer silently and, too often, blame themselves. Sometimes the trauma spills over into the rest of their lives in the forms of various dysfunctions in their own families. It is clear that the forbidden pair and the innocent spouse are not the only ones affected by the unfaithfulness. Domino effects of such trauma could affect upcoming generations without proper intervention. Counseling is vital at this time, but most families fail to see the need for it.

The effects of cheating on the spouse can be lasting and may forever change her outlook on relationships and life. A second relationship or marriage could suffer repercussions stemming from the previous marriage if the victimized spouse has not healed. Many second husbands have reported spousal punishment because of the previous husband's errors. These scarred women, often severely misunderstood, are said to be "angry," "bitter," or "mad" when they are actually afraid, wounded, and not healed.

Children Suffer, too
Children Suffer, too | Source

Distrust Between Cheaters

The cheaters realize later, when the newness of their relationship wears off, that they had neither consideration for the feelings and health of the ones whom they love, nor did they consider their own best interests. If the cheaters marry, each may wonder if the other thinks affectionately about their spouses or even wishes to reconcile, and this may cause a tinge of jealousy. Where is the trust between cheaters? This is where blaming each other may occur. Wrong relationships do not easily become right ones.

The cheaters may accuse each other of seduction, lying, and using. They may even separate. The feelings of separation can be devastating even though both parties know that they are doing the right thing. Being alone, feeling the sting and loss resulting from poor decisions, feeling used and cheated of a normal life, and blaming each other, are all feelings that the couple often face after terminating their relationship. Trying to justify reasons to break up someone else’s home is short-lived. The truth has a way of worming its way out of individuals and staring into their eyes. Thus, the cheaters grow to realize that they are each other’s victims. A younger woman, especially, may accuse an older man, whom she may think should have been wiser, of taking advantage of her youth and lack of knowledge of possible consequences. Can they ever completely trust each other considering the damage that they have done to their families? Escalating fears may eventually lead to bad blood between the cheaters.

Blaming the Innocent Spouse

The forbidden couple has a tendency to cast blame on the innocent spouse(s) in order to throw off their own feelings of guilt. Sometimes they fight to keep the innocent party from getting any financial support and even may convince themselves that any children in the marriage are better off with them, the fitter parents (dad and step-mother). They play the game of making the innocent spouse the culprit. Whatever the husband has told the mistress, she believes and uses against the wife. They spend much time trying to convince friends and family that the innocent spouse caused the problems that led to their coupling. They are trying to paint a picture of innocence, but they know better than anyone that this image is fabricated and can never be a masterpiece.

Alienation of Family, Friends, and Others

Some family, friends, acquaintances, and others may not readily socialize with the cheaters because they have sided with the innocent spouse, while others may choose to side with them. Still, others will distrust these cheaters around their own spouses or partners due to their adulterous reputations. The forbidden couple often attracts others like themselves or singles as friends. Of course, a few old friends will linger. The couple may also run the risk of being excluded or not accepted in certain social circles, which is a mirror of disrespect. Once a person is labeled in a community as unfaithful, it may never disappear, even if the person changes. Others, even outsiders, often do not forgive or trust again.

Alienation of Spousal Affection

Some wives sue mistresses for alienation of affection. This decision can badly affect the mistress's financial stability. So, a risk taker might want to think about this before pursuing someone else’s spouse.

Mom Doing It Alone
Mom Doing It Alone | Source

More Distrust

Is it logical for cheaters to think that cheaters do not cheat? Imagine two cheaters married to each other. What are their secret thoughts? Can they trust each other? Where is the credibility? Is each capable of cheating on the other? They both have certainly had lots of practice. Their behaviors speak for them.

Guilt

Guilt is like a cancerous sore. It grows and gets worse as time passes. Soon it begins to occupy the mind, invading thoughts when it is not wanted. It causes worry, regret, and shame. Such thoughts certainly do not add to the happiness of any relationship. The cheating spouse may think about returning to his wife and rekindling his marriage. A spouse who has had a Christian upbringing may fear God’s judgment, end the affair, and seek forgiveness.

Vengeance and Desperation

There is always a slight chance that an obsessed party, who could be anyone in the triangle, may inflict bodily harm on the spouse, the mistress/lover, or the cheater due to desperation and a need to control. The mistress may try various manipulations to anger the wife in order to break up the marriage. A desperate mistress could even be a threat to the wife's life. Husbands have discovered too late that their mistresses were capable of harming their wives, even their children, in their attempts to alienate and quickly possess the husband.

Often wives do not know that their husbands are cheating. Many spouses and mistresses get so involved before they attempt to rectify their mistake that they have to endure the once unsuspecting spouse’s angry reactions, which could result in a very nasty and costly divorce. Some injured parties hire spies who collect loads of evidence against the husband or wife which could be devastating in court. Victimized wives must be careful because there is no secret that desperate husbands, who have fallen in love with their mistresses and do not wish to share their money with their wives, have been known to plan their murder, even involving their eager mistresses. A tragedy is not uncommon in relationships gone bad. Choosing a prison bed and separation forever is not exactly a honeymoon suite for cheaters or wives who seek to solve problems with desperation and crime.

Dealing With Consequences
Dealing With Consequences

Possible Irreparable Consequences of Cheating

Many cheaters think that they can repair damage to their marriage if their spouses discover their infidelities. They feel that it is just a matter of getting the offended spouse to forgive them. That could happen, but it may not always be that simple. Some of the following consequences could be long-term or irreparable in a marriage, home, and family after a spouse has been caught cheating:

  1. broken trust
  2. dysfunctional family
  3. low self-esteem
  4. severe depression
  5. defamation of character
  6. alienation of affection lawsuit
  7. divorce
  8. major financial changes due to a divorce settlement
  9. alienation or distancing of family members and friends
  10. contraction of incurable STD’s
  11. outside pregnancy
  12. child support payments that take money away from the household, spouse, and children
  13. “baby's mama” problems that could affect spouse and family's wellbeing
  14. stalking
  15. threatening or harassing phone calls
  16. severe violence and risk of imprisonment

The Statistics according to "WOMAN SAVERS, World’s largest Database Rating Men”

“Infidelity statistics have varied drastically over the past 50 years. The problem with obtaining accurate statistics on adultery is that most people will not tell the truth because it is such a sensitive subject. Controlled cheating surveys are scarce and the below infidelity percentages have been randomly collected from various sources:

“Affairs affect one of every 2.7 couples, according to counselor Janis Abrahms Spring, author of 'After the Affair'," as reported by the Washington Post on March 30, 1999. Ten percent of extramarital affairs last one day, 10 percent last more than one day but less than a month, 50 percent last more than a month but less than a year, and 40 percent last two or more years. Few extramarital affairs last more than four years.

“A lesser known fact is that those who divorce rarely marry the person with whom they are having the affair. For example, Dr. Jan Halper’s study of successful men (executives, entrepreneurs, professionals) found that very few men who have affairs divorce their wives and marry their lovers. Only 3 percent of the 4,100 successful men surveyed eventually married their lovers.

“Frank Pittman has found that the divorce rate among those who married their lovers was 75 percent. The reasons for the high divorce rate include intervention of reality, guilt, expectations, a general distrust of marriage, and a distrust of the lover.”

Conclusion

Cheating is never right in a marriage or any relationship, and excuses are not acceptable. Consequences are devastating for all involved, especially the offended spouse and children. Even the cheaters endure the negative consequences of their poor choices. They may be alienated by family and friends and may have to undergo a financial change due to a divorce and settlements.

It is important that each victim realizes that no matter how guilty they feel, they are not responsible for the affair. Even cheaters should value themselves as worthy of a relationship that does not downsize them to the level of creeping, stealing, or victimizing innocent individuals.

It has been revealed in popular surveys that over 90% of cheaters do not marry each other because of distrust and guilt. A broken family relationship is a broken home, a dysfunctional home, and no one should be forced to endure the trauma that transpires there.

Disclaimer

The contents of this hub are not designed to serve as professional advice to anyone that cheating has affected. It is designed to share research findings, personal experiences, and any insight that commentators volunteer to share. Anyone in need of help or guidance after experiencing trauma brought on by infidelity should seek professional counseling. The author wishes you wellness and happiness.

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    • C-innocent husband 5 days ago

      I see that this article is definitely one-sided. It seems skewed to show that the husband is the one doing the bad and how victims are usually women and not men. If I (as a man - who coincidentally have been the victim of infidelity at least three times by the same woman) had written the same article from a one-sided perspective - a good percentage of women and feminists would cry foul and sexism.

      But the context is pretty accurate, otherwise. I know from my personal experience, that I was time and time again, deceived and betrayed. Time and Time again, I forgave (except for the last time). Divorce ensued. and because I didn't forgive this time, my ex did whatever she could to hurt me by using the court system who tend to favor the mom without question - and took my girls away. My girls... who were like another limb to me... always with me, built the memories while the mom was out having affairs... she took them from me and hurt us all.

      Unfortunately, being a man, public/social grace does not shine down upon us - in my case I even went to the "authorities" and school councillors to voice my concern about my child's mental health, but it was all rejected or just ignored. Had I been a woman, rest assured, much would have been done and resources and empathy would have abounded.

      Alas, truly - the innocent get hurt - perhaps even more so, if the innocent is the husband....

      What a hypocritical society....

    • 12 days ago

      I cheated on my wife and feel ashamed of it.

      I am trying to console her everyday. She cannot trust me anymore, which is fair and I cannot convince her that this won't happen again.

      A constant sinking feeling stays with me whole day and I cannot concentrate on anything. I had many ambitions in my life but everything now seems to be worthless as I am nothing in my wife's eyes.

      After getting caught we tried to find happiness in our lives again. But even small mistakes of mine are too big now. I always find myself trying to convince my wife that this will never happen again.

      I am really disappointed with myself. I don't know what should I do now.

      How can I live a normal life with my wife again? How can I make her live a good life again? I don't want to get a divorce because I love her sooo much.

      I know I shouldn't have cheated in first place. But I am helpless now.

      There is no solution for this I know, but I am trying to find a way to resolve the turmoil in our lives.

      Can anyone please give me some suggestions?

    • wanyonyi maxwell 13 days ago

      very educative information

    • William 3 months ago

      I'm so very happy I'm back to my family again. I never knew i was captured or under a spell done by my wife sister, i started having an affair with her and thought it was right. My wife begged me and even reported my actions to my family after i moved out to live with her half sister for 7 months before my wife delivered me from the spell, my wife actually told me that she went to a spiritual spell caster to know what was happening to her husband and if he could help bring me back. The Priest narrated everything to her and quickly my wife ask if the spell could be unlocked and the priest did everything, I'm back to my senses after my eyes were clear and now i have forgotten the girl for good. I'm happy and i want to share his contact with other families facing divorce and separation. email:priestajigarspells @ live . com i and my families are from the United state.

    • JoJo 3 months ago

      I came across this article looking for some answers and it looked like there was some good insight but I had to quit reading after a few paragraphs because of you assuming that it's the husband that always cheats. I was with my wife for 3 years before we got married and about 8 months in she started having an affair. Not only was she my best friend but I thought she was the most wonderful person I had ever met. Some people say that the amount of trust I had in her was unhealthy. I sent her on trips to Austailia, Florida for Soring break and all sorts of other things that I didn't want her to miss out on, things I had done, because I had total trust in her faithfulness. I am very good looking, funny, smart and have a huge heart. I would never cheat because of how much it would hurt the other person and was shocked the day she left me for her softball coach. I can't imagine that very many people have felt this much pain in their lives and I wouldn't want my worst enemy to go through it. I've always wondered how anyone could take her side, especially her parents, who were like my own family. How could they let this guy, who did what he did, into their house after me? I felt like I completely lost everything. Am I doomed to never trust anyone ever again?

    • Jay 4 months ago

      Well most women nowadays are the Biggest Cheaters of all in a marriage since it did happened to me twice which i was a very caring, loving, husband that was very Committed to them at the time which it still wasn't good enough for them. Little did i know that they turned out to be such Low Life Pathetic Losers. Oh well, it wasn't my Fault at all since so many women are doing it these days which you really have No Control over them to stop it since they were Meant to Cheat. Very sad for many of us Good men out there that had this happened to us already which i know a friend of mine that had this happened to him as well.

    • Karen 4 months ago

      The real reason men cheat? Because they can't keep it in their pants. Because they can't be happy when they finally find the one. Because enough is never enough. Because quite frankly they can be idiots. Because they don't think divorce is an option, (which it is. www.thistoo.co ). Because they have short attention spans. Because they lack respect for the mother of their children. (Do I sounds like I have experience with this? LOL)

    • TheHonestTruth 11 months ago

      Cheating today is the main cause of most break ups, and Most of the time it is always the woman that Cheats since they just Can't commit to just Only One Man.

    • fjohnson3 17 months ago

      I cheated on my wife (by talking to other females and saving pictures of random girls, but nothing ever physical or emotional). She has found me doing this 4 separate times in the 5 years we've been together (married 2 years) and has taken me back each time. This most recent time we have come very close to divorce but I am fighting to keep the marriage together that I have destroyed. Understably, she hates me and is disgusted by me. She has considered physically cheating to make herself feel better. Any advice?

    • das 22 months ago

      I was a victim of cheating by my wife. Once when we were engaged and once when married. I strove to keep the house and kids together. I now am that list because of it 10 yrs latter it's as bad at times. I was a good man now that after effects list applies to us. Criminal record depression dysfunction etc in heighnsight I should have bit the bullet and divorced as separation is now happening from my narcissistic wife

    • Levertis Steele profile image
      Author

      Levertis Steele 2 years ago from Southern Clime

      Kirsto, you fear that your ex will break down. You seems to be concerned about his mental health. That is caring, and I find it admirable.

      What about your friend who has left her three girls? Are you concerned about the effects this split could have on them? Does your friend care? I hope so. Kids deserve the very best that parents can offer them. Not one needs to be neglected. Your 16 year old is living with a dysfunctional father, according to your statements. As mom, you need to step in and spare him (your son) the pain this could cause.

      I advise all of you to seek professional counseling. I hope all goes well for you, the ex's, and the children, especially. Stay well, and take care of those kids.

    • Kirsto 2 years ago

      I am 3 months on from my husband of 16 years out of the blue leaving to shack up with a collegue of his that has now left her husband and 3 daughters. I've spent the past weeks reading what I can, and devoting my time to my sons aged7 and 11.the most difficult part of all of this is the change in my ex partners behaviour and priorities. He was a fab father, local family doctor. Now he can't be arsed with seeing his kids, makes excuses all day long. Has been shunned at work by his collegues. Has received letters from his patients telling him he's immoral etc etc. but he continues to disrespect our history of travelling the world together, raising two boys etc, being best friends to insist that he's made the right choice in ruining two families. Sadly my 16 years with him enables me to know that he is mentally not strong enough to eventually deal with his reckless destruction and I fear he will break down.he is in hiding from his family, drinking excessively. But I won't be there to help him. It's gutting as he was my best friend just 3 months ago and I would have done anything. Love to disgust in just days. People are saying its midlife crisis, what difference does the label make?. Surely after 3 months of living with this women in hiding he will never ask for my help?. I'm not a mean person and would struggle to turn away but I can remember my sons faces too well from 2 months ago when they realised daddy had swooped them!!! For butch 50 year old and a caravan!!

    • Levertis Steele profile image
      Author

      Levertis Steele 2 years ago from Southern Clime

      Yaya, I am sorry that you are not able to move on after your daughter split from her husband and took another. I think you should seek professional counseling. I wish you well. Thanks for sharing.

    • Yaya 2 years ago

      I don't know where to turn, my daughter cheated on her husband now they are separated, my grandchild split their lives btwn mom and dad and I see no reconciling. The person she was caught cheating with its still a big part of her everyday life. I can't bring myself to a place where I'm willing to meet him or attending gathering where he might be. It's been almost a year since my daughter got out on her own, how do I move on?

    • James G 33 2 years ago

      If I was married with a 1 year old son and I was constantly being mentally abused with threats of physical abuse

      And one day while my wife was off work I left her fully capable if taking care of my son and just left is that considered child abandonment ?

    • lilmissmontana profile image

      Erin Nichols 2 years ago from Montana

      Wow, this hub really gave me the shivers. Such a touchy subject, but one that needs to be brought to light. Those statistics (1 in ever 2.7 couples suffer an affair) is huge and very frightening. Being cheated on is my greatest fear in my relationship as it is the one thing I don't think I could be honestly forgiving about. I think even if I tried I would fail because I would hold it over his head forever, and it wouldn't be fair to either of us. Thank you for the hub!

    • MG Singh profile image

      MG Singh 2 years ago from Singapore

      Yes it does, but sometimes it can't be helped, the human chemistry is so complex

    • Levertis Steele profile image
      Author

      Levertis Steele 2 years ago from Southern Clime

      midget38,

      Yes, I can relate to your comment. I thank you kindly for your visit and contribution!

    • midget38 profile image

      Michelle Liew 2 years ago from Singapore

      True words. Have seen this happen to couples close to myself and it wrecks badly.

    • Levertis Steele profile image
      Author

      Levertis Steele 2 years ago from Southern Clime

      CraftytotheCore,

      It does take a lot of strength to heal from difficult, hurtful situations. The important thing is that it can be done.

      Thanks for your kind compliment and visit! I wish you continual happiness with your new life.

    • CraftytotheCore profile image

      CraftytotheCore 2 years ago

      This is an excellent article. I am divorced from an abusive spouse that did in fact blame me for all his wrong doings. I never saw it coming because he was a master manipulator. There are some people in this world that lie, cheat, and manipulate to get everything they want. It takes a lot of inner strength to heal from a situation like this. I am now married to a wonderful man and can't believe that I lived in that prior situation for 10 years.

    • Levertis Steele profile image
      Author

      Levertis Steele 2 years ago from Southern Clime

      Annie,

      There are times when a spouse is cheating he/she creates a distraction that affords him to shower all of the attention on the preferred other. Impotence is not an uncommon one. This may not be the case with your husband, but he did get married again.

      You seem to be getting along well enough. I am glad. Life does go on, and you should float with it. Surely there is someone for you, and I hope you find him.! I appreciate your visit, and I wish you well.

    • annie 2 years ago

      Well my ex had been impotent for many years, and would seek help occasionally, but never follow through with any tests, help or a second visit. I waited patiently for 14 years for him to find out the cause, and did ask many times was he still attracted to me. I loved him very much and thought it was more important not to overly pressure him and I wanted to keep our family together despite my disappointment of not having a whole husband/ wife relationship in this way, as we got on very well, and did spend time together, I thought he felt the same way. He began an emotional affair with a woman he came into contact with through our kids, I discovered it and asked him to leave as he had changed as soon as I found out to an arrogant man whom I didn't recognise. A few days later he became remorseful and promised me that he would never hurt me this way again if I would forgive him. Well I did so on the understanding that he would be true to his word, and also seek help with the impotency, as he had shown me with his interest in the other woman that he did want an intimate relationship. He had told me a few times that he had next to no sex drive. Fast forward to 3 years later, he told me he was suffering depression and that he had to move out to sort himself out, which turned out to be a lie, he was in the midst of another affair, to whom in less than few weeks from now, he is getting married. He has spent a lot of energy ensuring he rewrote most of our life together, tried to hobble me financially, by dragging out settlement and being in arrears for child support as he was claiming falsely a much lower income. He and I work for the same employer, and he has had the boss make me wait outside until he has left the building. His family say he is going through a very selfish midlife crisis, and know that him and his new partner have treated both our kids and I dreadfully. He has lost most of his friends over his treatment of them as well, and say he isn't the man he once was. I have done much self reflection throughout this whole period of my life and haven't found why he treats me this way. Our son was asked to be best man at his wedding, and although he doesn't want to attend he doesn't want to offend his father either, upon being asked whaf us the problem, he said " Dad has asked me to write a speech, but I haven't got not one good thing to say." It has been a most difficult time in all of our lives to watch him spiral down to where he is now. I don't wish him ill, but I really don't understand other than he always has been a person who thinks the grass is greener.

    • Levertis Steele profile image
      Author

      Levertis Steele 2 years ago from Southern Clime

      Li,

      Cheaters who continue their relationship after a divorce often do not feel the need to hide from anyone. It is true that some people marry the wrong person. It is also true that cheaters do not always initiate the breakdown of the marriage. Even so, their cheating only escalates the problems in the marriage. A couple can also be very happy after one divorces a spouse but may not know that the preferred relationship is not right for him/her. I have seen this many times in my life.

      I had a friend who divorced his virtuous wife, also my friend, and married another woman that he loved dearly. She said that she loved him, too, and made him very happy. The only problem was that she enjoyed cheating and did not stop after marrying him. She actually told me that she cheated and enjoyed it. He was clueless. I had a sorrowful heart for him because I knew him first through my husband. They raised two children and lived together seemingly happy until he died. This is a true story. I suppose good people do not always make others happy.

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Li!

    • Levertis Steele profile image
      Author

      Levertis Steele 2 years ago from Southern Clime

      Angel,

      Cheating, whether the partners are few or many, can be a pain. I thank you for your visit and comment.

    • Li 2 years ago

      I have a question, it is usual that cheaters after got discovered and divorce, shown their affair to everyone (friends, family). Showing that they are happy, without regrets and that they are the perfect match to each other? Are there hide feelings? maybe they need reaffirmation from everyone about that they are right in what they did?

    • angel 2 years ago

      Thank you. I have been in relationships where the cheating was ongoing. There were so many women that it was difficult to keep up with them. This information is very helpful, and I found another site that is also helpful. Here is the URLhttps://wordpress.com/read/blog/id/65087974/

    • Levertis Steele profile image
      Author

      Levertis Steele 2 years ago from Southern Clime

      Natalia,

      I am sorry to learn of your ordeal with your family and your problem dealing with trust. I hope that you do find a good man who is trustworthy. If you believe that God can help you, pray for the right man. Do not expect him to be perfect because you will only be fantasizing. Human beings are not perfect; nevertheless, many do not cheat on their spouses.

      Have you thought about profesional counseling? Even if you are unable to get your parents to consider counseling, you can get it for yourself.

      I wish you well!

    • Levertis Steele profile image
      Author

      Levertis Steele 2 years ago from Southern Clime

      Ck,

      You said, "It takes great courage to forgive . . ."

      Yes, it takes courage and love to forgive. To forgive is self-preservation because it truly hurts to harbor unforgiveness. We need to exhale and take care of our mental health.

      Thanks for reading my hub and sharing your story.

    • Natalia 2 years ago

      Thank you for this article. I am a 23 year old who is still reeling from the effects of my father's infidelity which continues till today. It's a long and complicated story. But as a child who grew up with a cheating father, domestic bliss was and has only remained a dream. I still can't sleep at night and often I suffer from bouts of anxiety- all related to episodes of my mother crying, me throwing a chair at my father when i found out,etc. I am still hurting. Its raw and painful still. But yea. When i date men and start to get to know them, I pull back I think to myself- I like him, but what if he hurts me and my children one day and I shudder. Its all very painful.

    • Ckay 2 years ago

      Let me share my story:

      I've been in a relationship for two years with my spouse and we're now expecting a baby. The relationship started well, but I was really appalled when my hubby told me "I was an option, not the only one." To cut a long story short, she cheated on me thinking I was naïve ( that's what cheater's think of their spouses). I confronted her and she me told me I neglected her, and that she preferred having male friends than a hubby. In fact, she didn't regret it at first ( cheater's have a puffed up ego). The worst treason of it all is that she wanted us to break up while she had my baby but she never gave any reason, just sulking and snapping at me. Then I found out she was trying to get back with her lover who didn't want anything to do with her. I now find myself in a hard place; am still healing from the first shock, trying to digest the new situation, and preparing myself to be a father.

      Trust is gone, communication has been reduced to fights ( I am still mad!!!). I forgave her, but am not sure if I will love her again and open my heart to her.

      It takes great courage to forgive, but once trust is gone, it can never be restored.

    • Ckay 2 years ago

      Cheating is the ultimate treason in a relationship. I don't think there is any justification for it.

    • Levertis Steele profile image
      Author

      Levertis Steele 2 years ago from Southern Clime

      TC,

      You wrote, "But what is more difficult is forgiving and forgetting especially when the cheating partner is no longer committed to the marriage, and yet doesn't want a divorce. The whole situation is suffocating and unbearable. I also believe that kids get affected iether way, be it to stay in an environment where one partner is constantly hurting and in pain, or living with divorced parents"

      Well said. The hurting partner still has control of his/her life and can make decisions, I hope. If the offended spouse chooses to live with the cheating spouse, he/she should try to "find peace within the storm." What else is there to do considering the decision? Counseling for both is always a reasonable option.

      I appreciate you, TC!

    • Levertis Steele profile image
      Author

      Levertis Steele 2 years ago from Southern Clime

      A cheated on MAN - Yes, they exist,

      Apparently you did not read my entire article. This article was not designed to downgrade men as cheaters and pretend that women do not cheat. I know that women cheat whether married, single, old, young, or homosexual. We know that, don't we. Yes!

      Looking back at a few statements in my article:

      "Many second husbands have reported spousal punishment because of the previous husband's errors.” Some women distrust their second husbands and give them a hard time because of the pain of a previous marriage. Of course, this is not fair.

      "Distrust is very common between the spouses when one has cheated." This implies that the cheater could be either sex, not just the man.

      I extracted the following paragraphs from my article to show you that both partners in an adulterous affair are equally responsible if they know that one or both of them are married:

      "Distrust Between Cheaters (subtopic). The cheaters realize later, when the newness of their relationship wears off, that they had no considerations for the feelings and health of the ones whom they love, neither did they consider their own best interests. If the cheaters marry, each may wonder if the other thinks affectionately about their spouses or even wishes to reconcile; and this may cause a tinge of jealousy. Distrust is obvious. Where is the trust between cheaters? This is where blaming each other may occur. Wrong relationships just do not end up right relationships.

      "The cheaters may accuse each other of seduction, lying, and using. They may even separate. The feelings of separation can be devastating even though both parties know that they are doing the right thing. Being alone, feeling the sting and loss resulting from poor decisions, feeling used and cheated of a normal life, and blaming each other, are all feelings that the couple often face after terminating their relationship. Trying to justify reasons to break up someone else’s home is short-lived. The truth has a way of worming its way out of individuals and starring into their eyes. Thus, the cheaters grow to realize that they are each other’s victims. A younger woman, especially, may accuse an older man, whom she may think should have been wiser, of taking advantage of her youth and lack of knowledge of possible consequences. Can they ever completely trust each other considering the damage that they have done to their families? Escalating fears may eventually lead to bad blood between the cheaters."

      I have lots of males in my family, and I am in association with many other males. I am fully aware that some of them have been hurt after discovering that their spouses cheated on them. A near relative is presently in a relationship with a male divorcee who discovered that his ex-wife cheated on him. She is concerned about his problem trusting women, although he is putting forth great effort. How often have I witnessed men in tears because of an unfaithful girlfriend or wife? Many.

      I did not intend to appear sexist. I researched and reported what I read. Reports about adultery often target men because, I believe, they get caught more, they are cited more. Women are usually extremely cautious. Most never get caught. A cheating man will sneak next door at night while his wife sleeps, but a cheating woman will insist on a trip out of town to an unpopular motel while wearing a wig and sunglasses to help hide her identity. So, society, not Levertis, lays a bigger rap on men. They need to wear sunglasses and wigs, too! Just adding humor. I do not condone cheating no matter the sex.

      Thanks for visiting and commenting, A cheated on MAN. I do sympathize with your ordeal. I have been there and dealt with it. I truly wish you well.

    • TC 2 years ago

      To be in a relationship where one partner cheats is very difficult. No matter what you do to try to make the realationship work as long as there is no commitment from the cheating spouse the whole exercise is futile. As they say a cheater will always cheat again, with the same person or a different one. But what is more difficult is forgiving and forgetting especially when the cheating partner is no longer committed to the marriage, and yet doesn't want a divorce. The whole situation is suffocating and unbearable. I also believe that kids get affected iether way, be it to stay in an environment where one partner is constantly hurting and in pain, or living with divorced parents. I wish that women and men who wreck and distroy the family unity do have some conscience left in them to realise the havoc they create which results in dysfunctional families now and in the future generations. The sad part is that these affairs are not so much about love, but what i will get from you, be it money, cars, flats etc. Big question is what happens when men or women run out of cash. Does it mean the cheater has to go back to the first wife/husband. I don't think so. I suggest that they continue with their journey and destroy themselves.

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      Levertis Steele 2 years ago from Southern Clime

      "Most of my closer hub-friends who have known me for over 2 years, know this sort of "topic" is a perfect wide-open door for my twisted and sarcastic sense of humor."

      I can relate. I have had problems behaving myself when I respond to such topics. I am trying hard to cool it, but it is not easy.

      "As for your Viagra-counting relative. She lacked creativity. You see, there is an over-the counter laxative that very closely resembles Viagra. Need I explain?"

      An explanation is not needed. LOL!

      I appreciate your points, fpherj48. They actually entertain and give one much to think about.

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 2 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Most of my closer hub-friends who have known me for over 2 years, know this sort of "topic" is a perfect wide-open door for my twisted and sarcastic sense of humor.

      I surely do not make light of your sad tale, but it's obvious you have moved on and have pretty much resolved the hurtful issues. This is good.

      These stories you relate in your comments.....I'm sorry to say, actually crack me up. Some dude has a heart attack during one of his illicit escapades......she gets the hell outta there, and makes an anonymous call (obviously before the days of caller ID). However, even decades ago calls could be traced if need be. Perhaps she was smart enough to use a pay phone.

      Then the wife decided to play Tit-for-tat, because we all know that 2 wrongs make a right. Mr." caught with his pants down," feels the best way to handle this disloyalty is to shoot her, IN THEIR HOME. Nice of him to make sure she was seated comfortably before blowing her brains out. What a guy! He spends "a few years" in prison? Obviously the jury was 12 cheating men, whose wives may have turned the table on them. She deserved to be shot.

      Of course he didn't last long after being released......because prison does not rehabilitate men to keep their pants on. The ole ticker just didn't want to keep up with ole pecker, I guess.

      As for your Viagra-counting relative. She lacked creativity. You see, there is an over-the counter laxative that very closely resembles Viagra. Need I explain?

      And just WHERE am I when these women need me??!

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      Levertis Steele 2 years ago from Southern Clime

      fpherj48,

      I can relate to your points. I learned too late that couples would do well to have the same values and beliefs. If one is moralistic and the other is not, trouble is ahead. People should not marry unequally yoked, and that is not limited to religious concerns. Although I do not approve of open marriages, it is better for two believers to be in that disaster than a person who is monogamous. There are people who want to be married and have the freedom of affairs at the same time because it is their desire. They try to hide this side of their character only for it to be revealed after the marriage. Some people knowingly marry cheaters believing that they have the power or magic to change them. Oh, how wrong they are!

      You wrote, "He'll just die in someone's bed! LOL"

      That happens too often. Some years ago I knew a young woman who revealed that seeing a retired married man at his home after his wife went to work. He had a heart attack while with her. After she struggled to free herself, she hurried out of the house leaving him there. She did anonymously call an ambulance after she reached her house. She did not want to be found with him, so she covered her own back first. Then, he was discovered "with his drawers down." Of course, his wife had to take care of him until he recovered. Later, the wife decided to get even by cheating on him. When he discovered it, he shot her dead. She died in a seated position in their house. He spent a few years in prison and did not last long after regaining his freedom. This was a classic case of "can dish it out but can't take it." The girl was using him for gifts and money. Playing older men with means was her profession. The couple met tragedy, but she moved on to another midlife crisis victim.

      How about a relative's husband who had to resort to using Viagra, and every now and then she would count them—she told me—and discover two or three missing. Can you believe the nerve of that Viagra mogul? Today, he can only sit and look, but he enjoys looking at ladies and dreaming old dreams. I do not think that there is a cure for that type. LOL!

      Thanks, fpherj48, for visiting and leaving your points!

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      Levertis Steele 2 years ago from Southern Clime

      bschmidt,

      I am so sorry that you had to endure this ordeal, but I am happy that your marriage is recovering and you are willing to try again. As much as I hate infidelity, I also hate to see marriages fail.

      You are wise to seek as much information as possible to help pull you and your wife through this difficult time in your life.

      It seems to be a hard matter for partners in infidelity to realize that their unfaithful partner could very well be unfaithful to them. It is normal for a person to believe the words of the person he/she loves. When they discover that their married lover is unfaithful, that blind love begins to disappear.

      I wish you and your wife well on the road to recovery!

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 2 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Ah yes... the old iron-skillet-on-the-head-event. OUCH! Violence always makes things worse....but out of control emotions don't allow for some humans to stop and think. I mean, really....just listen to or read the daily news about domestic violence/abuse/murder...etc.

      My opinion is probably not relevant to anyone....but honestly.....after 40 years, who can possibly give a hoot? How long is the poor old bastard gonna play around? He'll just die in someone's bed! LOL.

      Sorry....but I had to say it. I have to believe if I'd have had one husband for 40 years and suspected he was cheating.....I'd pack him a lunch, buy him some viagra.....and tell him to knock his stupid ass off!

      I'm too damned tired to fight with anyone over BS!

    • bschmidt profile image

      bschmidt 2 years ago

      Levertis Steele - great hub!! You really hit all the high notes.

      As sad as this is to say my marriage is currently recovering from an affair by my wife.

      There is so much information out there to help guide me though this time. I find that reading as many different sources as possible from all specialties (therapists, counsellors, physicians, psychologist, sociologist, etc) help to mold a consistent picture of what to expect, and what path to follow.

      Personally, the ball is not always in the betrayed's court when it comes to reconciliation. I could want to reconcile until i'm blue in the face, but if my wife doesn't want to - there isn't much that I can do. Once reconciliation is in the picture and the goal it is in my opinion that the majority of the work has to be done by the betrayer. In my case - my wife.

      It's been difficult at times being patient as the fog of fantasy cleared - she thought so highly of the affair partner - only to find out that he cheated on his now ex-wife which was the cause of their divorce, he ultimately got her fired from her job, and only used her for her body.

      It's a tough pill for her to swallow. She's written a no contact letter and is doing all that she can to help me heal and to be worthy of the forgiveness that I have given her. It's a long road to live a life of integrity, honesty, truthfulness, and fidelity - especially after falling so far from grace.

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      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      fpherj48,

      I was watching one, of course! But I learned the hard way to stay out of others' affairs. Telling someone that her spouse is cheating does not always turn out the way we want. A certain woman's husband was cheating with my next-door neighbor. I could not solve her problems, although I was sympathetic. Sometimes, the victim will turn on the informant. To make matters worse, the cheating husband will, too. That is when everything gets messy.

      A friend of the family had been cheating for years when his wife finally got fed up and almost killed him with an iron skillet. While he was being treated at a hospital for a period of time, she packed up and left permanently. I was sorry that their problem led to a skillet fight, but friends said that she had to defend herself when an argument led to a struggle. They had been married for over forty years. He was not going anywhere, but he was a bad boy who thought that she would always be with him regardless of his infidelities. Yes, the victim is the one who often walks away.

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Hmmmm......Interesting. However, I would then have to ask...."If everyone was watching YOUR husband.....WHO was watching THEIRS?"

    • Levertis Steele profile image
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      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      When outsiders say, "I do not know why she stays with him," they may know more about the husbands activities than the wife does. Also, like my own situation, I chose to remain with my husband because my children were young and pleaded with me. They wanted to live with both parents. My husband was not physically abusive, so I reasoned that I could make the sacrifice for them.

      Thanks again, fpherj48. I appreciate the visits.

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      You are quite welcome. I can understand your situation and the decisions you made. They were yours to make and not for anyone else to judge. A time does come when a painful choice needs to be made.....which requires not only strength, but varying periods of time for each individual. How often do we hear...."I do not understand WHY she stays with him?" Well, to that I say, "It is not for US to understand because frankly, it's not our business, our marriage, life or decision."

      There are many people who do not make impulsive, knee-jerk reactions. Women, especially can take a very long time and maintain "hope" and wait it out, so to speak. There is no right or wrong.....but there is what is best or worse, for any one individual.

      In my personal situation, I had no regrets, very little sadness and no time to be "lonely"......because I knew in my heart, I had said and done all I could have humanly done to come to terms with all of it. Sounds like this is what you ultimately did, as well.

      Further...I do not hate him. I can't even begin to imagine having hatred or bitterness toward someone I share 2 incredible sons with.

      You have yielded some very interesting feed back to your hub.

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      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      fpherj48,

      You wrote,

      "I have commented once here and I stand firm in that comment"

      and

      "THIS IS THE SERIOUSLY VITAL PART: The victim rarely, if ever, chooses to forgive and go forward with their partner & current life...based on SAVING THE MARRIAGE. Marriage is a contract, a partnership, a symbol, a license, an institution. The salvation of that marriage depends (and rightly SHOULD) upon the love/attachment/devotion toward the person you are forgiving. A victim, in reality has but ONE question to answer within her/his self....."Do I love/want/need/care......strongly enough about my husband/wife....to understand, forgive, hang on and maintain our life together?"

      By all means, stand your ground. I agree with you 101%! True love does bring about forgiveness. I did it for well over 30 years. That was a long time to suffer infidelity! I had to love myself. Also, the victim often is the one to walk away as you said. I mentioned that same thought in one of my related hubs. I tried to prove that husbands who married their mistresses mostly did it after their wives, the victim, walked out of the marriage. Yes, the victim is often the one who ends the marriage.

      Leaving a spouse does not always mean that the victim does not love him/her. I admire those who found a way to fall out of love with an incessant cheater. Then, the pain is not so great when the victim is alone, depressed, and trying to cope with the effects of the breakup. I was not so lucky. I loved my husband dearly, but could no longer take the abuse.

      Thanks, fpherj48, for adding this very useful piece to our discussion!

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      I have commented once here and I stand firm in that comment......I was on the listening/intervening side of hundreds of troubled marriages, for many years...(an invaluable education/awakening, to say the least)

      If this of any interest to anyone.....I can confidently sum up the "most common results/reactions" to this issue....proven time and time again by couples from every walk of life. Man or woman.

      Whether or not a marriage/relationship TRULY survives (not simply what it LOOKS LIKE to the public).....is a simple matter that depends upon the victim/devastated party. Please understand. If the unfaithful partner fesses up, has remorse and wants to be forgiven and make amends.....the ball, so to speak is then in the victim's court.

      Therefore, my friends.....the victim is in the position of deciding whether or not the "marriage" survives.

      THIS IS THE SERIOUSLY VITAL PART: The victim rarely, if ever, chooses to forgive and go forward with their partner & current life...based on SAVING THE MARRIAGE. Marriage is a contract, a partnership, a symbol, a license, an institution. The salvation of that marriage depends (and rightly SHOULD) upon the love/attachment/devotion toward the person you are forgiving. A victim, in reality has but ONE question to answer within her/his self....."Do I love/want/need/care......strongly enough about my husband/wife....to understand, forgive, hang on and maintain our life together?

      Please stop and THINK about what you just read.

      I can in all honesty and confidence, state beyond all doubt......had my first husband (undeniable LOVE of my Life, whom I lost to death) been unfaithful....I'd have taken approximately 2 seconds to forgive him and hang on for dear life. My 2nd husband, years later, whom I did love, in a different way....was unfortunately a "serial cheater".....I forgave him once, twice, three times.....and then, needless to say, I fell out of any kind of LOVE for him and ended the marriage. NOT because I didn't appreciate being MARRIED....but because he no longer meant a thing to me...............There you have it.

      Proceed with this very interesting discussion..:)

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      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      Nell,

      A quick true story: A man was found guilty of shooting his girlfriend's husband. When the judge asked him why he chose to date a married woman, he replied gruffly, "It's not my fault that she was married!" :)

      You wrote, "nobody is trustworthy, especially the ones who look innocent, and that's the trouble. we buy the 'book' (marriage) think we

      know the script (personality) but actually we only ever know the book cover!

      Yes, indeed! So true.

      Thanks, Nell, for adding this rare piece to our discussion.

    • Nell Rose profile image

      Nell Rose 3 years ago from England

      Hi, my marriage was a complete fallacy! he was doing his own thing, long story, and I was cheating like there was no tomorrow and guys were going out of fashion! we both trusted each other, but in a dull 'course he wouldn't do that sort of way'! nobody is trustworthy, especially the ones who look innocent, and that's the trouble. we buy the 'book' (marriage) think we know the script (personality) but actually we only ever know the book cover! interesting stuff, nell

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      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      We cannot always be a "fly on the wall" or a mind reader, but cheaters who get married often carry secret guilt in their hearts. I have heard individuals say that they regret the way they treated a former spouse, or that they deserved to have been kicked out by a former spouse. Those kinds of statements are admissions of guilt. Some cheaters are too prideful to verbalize their guilt, but they think about it, some to the point that they leave the marriage never telling the girlfriend they married that they could not live with the guilt of hurting the former spouse and their children.

      I want to add that ex-cheaters who have developed more wisdom should be smart enough to ask for forgiveness, if possible, and forgive themselves as well. It is not good to haul around guilt "forever." Every soul can be cleansed as long as it is breathing. How can we expect, or deserve, to be forgiven if we are not capable of forgiving? Truly forgiving someone brings about so much psychological cleansing and peace of mind that a body wonders why he/she did not discover this stage of the healing process sooner. Too many people hurt for long years after leaving a cheating spouse. That is self-punishment and quite destructive if it continues for years. If an injured spouse does not forgive you, and your heart is truly contrite, you are clean and can move on without feeling guilty. Just make every effort not to do it anymore. You are only human. This previous statement is not to be taken as an excuse to carelessly hurt others. Well wishes!

      A point that I have tried to make:

      Cheaters seldom marry the person that they were secretly dating when their marriage failed. They often move on to someone else who does not remind them of their infidelities during the failed marriage. We must remember that all cheaters are not in love with their girlfriends. Most married men are in it for "extra servings," "variety," "easy prey," "unbelievable opportunity." These are some of the reasons men have given.

      Have you ever listened to men in conversation when they did not know that you were listening? Believe me, there are times when eavesdropping is legitimate! This is what I have heard:

      "Man, you would not believe who laid me last night. Yes, Mrs. Perfect, Prim, and Pretty!"

      "It took a while, but I finally got it!"

      "We were at work, but guess who was locked in the office with me for thirty minutes!"

      I do not know it all, but I am not bashful about talking to people and asking them questions about my subject. I try to choose my contacts, timing, and atmosphere carefully. Men do not like to tell "men's secrets," but if they are mellow, or even trustful, they sometimes spill their guts. (I must add that it is so wrong to coax a person to drink. If they get mellow, do not be the cause.) Women are more secretive than men, but if they trust you and feel comfortable, they will talk much more than men.

      We should never use such information we get from a person, man or woman, to expose or hurt them unless a crime is involved. Let it be for nameless research only! That was part of my mission. I used personal and written sources.

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      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      Ll,

      According to my research and many others' I have read, cheaters seldom marry each other. More people cheat than we can ever see. They are counted, too. Surveys are usually discrete, so, cheaters who are not discovered often trust their secrets to questionnaires. Most cheaters report that they were never found out. The cheaters that we all know about were found out! Some of them married their co-cheaters, and a minority of these marriages survived. If we could see all cheaters, even the ones who married each other, we would understand why the ones who marry and stay married are a minority. It is frightening to think about, but more people really do cheat than we can see. Yes, women cheaters are on the rise. Some women say it is because men won’t let up. I did not research that—just saying what “some say.” Some researchers find that women cheaters were always higher than society thought, but they were reported to have been more careful than men. I do believe the latter. Still, it is debatable.

      I appreciate your visit and thoughts, Ll!

    • LI 3 years ago

      I love your article, I had suffered the consequences of adultery, my ex cheated on my with another married woman. Two families destroyed. It is hard for me to understand how people that damage others are happy, please tell me. I hope to be wrong . In your researchers which is the rate of success of cheater's marriages with their mistresses. Why I do this question? because around me I have found ALL cheaters married with their mistresses with long marriages.

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      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      "It makes me feel sad and quite frankly somewhat worthless when I think that my husband did not consider the emotional wounds he inflicted on me and our four children."

      I hope you no longer punish yourself with the feeling of worthlessness bcasuse you are certainly priceless!

      Yes, forgiveness is good medicine for the hurting soul. Cheers!

    • Heidi 3 years ago

      I am also someone who has been deeply hurt by adultery. You could call me a victim ,but as my Ex uses this term in an aggressive and derrogatory manner, it's not one I like to use. I found this hub fascinating, giving me food for thought, as well as confirming many of my personal experiences, especially those about how infidelity breaks up families and relationships with friends and extended family relatives. But I guess the cheaters only think of themselves. It makes me feel sad and quite frankly somewhat worthless when I think that my husband did not consider the emotional wounds he inflicted on me and our four children. However, your comments and those of others contributers have made me realize that he will also in the long-term not live comfortably with his guilt. Also the comment that the cheater is often not willing to admit their feelings of guilt was interesting as my ex assures me that his cheating was my fault and that he suppresses any guilty feelings quite easily when he pays child support!

      Cheating, infidelity,adultery,whatever you want to call it really does hurt all of society. Instead of focussing on love and support and creating a better place for us all to live and thrive in, cheating and divorce means that many of society's best brains are being wasted in legal wranglings over possessions and custody issues.

      We are fascinated by infidelity in movies or among the stars of show business as long as it doesn't affect us and we can watch from afar. Only when it affects us personally, do we realize just how painful this is.

      My ex-husband's affair partner also left her husband, and this seems to be cementing their relationship as they realize they only have each other. I hope that karma will reveal itself one day and that their feelings of guilt might lead them to split up. It would help me to forgive and I would be more prepared to deal with any future partner of his more readily than with the woman who so nonchalantly helped my ex husband to break me emotionally and who deprived my kids of spending time with their father everyday.

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      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      Divine,

      My intention is not to prove you wrong. You are 100% correct. I have used "infidelity" and "cheating" interchangeably in this and my related hub. "Cheating" is a synonym of "infidelity." Notice the ads at the top and bottom of my hubs. Notice the related search topics. They have the word "cheating" in them. A hubber is usually writing to make money. To do that we must attract or select ads related to our hubs in hopes that viewers will click on them and make purchases. We must satisfy the warm bodies behind the ads. "Cheating" is accepted in HubPages. The ads prove that. Within 2,000 miles circumference of my world, "cheating" is very commonly used to refer to "infidelity," although the latter is more formal and specific as you said.

    • divine 3 years ago

      "Infidelity" is a more specific term than "cheating". "Cheating" can apply to many circumstances, as you indicate. "Adultery" is perhaps the most accurate in terms of your article. Just not sure why people call it 'cheating' when it is not a test or a game. But perhaps some people do approach it like a game and find it thrilling to get away with 'cheating', as you mention. Take care.

    • Levertis Steele profile image
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      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      Divine,

      It is not always simple to come to agreement on appropriate terms for some topics since words often have different connotations and denotations. "Cheater" is certainly one of those words.

      You said, "...brings to mind growing up and being ever mindful for anyone cheating in a game...Marriage is not a game to me, and so the label 'cheater' seems inappropriate. peace out."

      Your meaning is one of the many definitions of the word. My meaning was not the same as a "game" cheater. People cheat on tests, and that is no game, but a serious error. Because the HubPages reading audience is a vast one with many vocabulary levels, many languages; and many of those using English here do it with difficulty since English may not be their primary language. So, I try to use some common words that more people may understand. "Cheating" is commonly used to refer to most acts of adultery. Even though we try, it is impossible to meet the approval everyone with our choices. My intention was not to insult anyone but to address an issue that is universal.

      You are right that marriage is not a game, but are all married people mature enough to treat it like it is not a game? Many married people do play their marriage like a game. I have heard some say that they enjoy the thrill of taking chances on getting caught, and when they do not, they feel like winners. I think that "cheater" is much kinder than "infidel." The latter sounds devilish. Notice that I did not use the MOST common words often hear and read in similar discussions: "hoe," "slut," "whoremonger," "dog," etc. Doesn't that count for something positive?

      Thanks, Divine, for returning and leaving your thoughts.

    • divine 3 years ago

      Thank you, appreciate the response and your insights.

      I think I was responding overall mainly with how you use the word 'Cheaters' to label married people. Yes, 'cheating' can indicate dishonesty and low moral character, but the overall term is problematic for me.

      Calling people 'cheaters' brings to mind the reality tv show where they were busting people in the act.

      My guess is that you are mainly concerned with infidelity, and the word 'cheating' seems to diminish and trivialize the topic imho. It also has an immature ring to it...brings to mind growing up and being ever mindful for anyone cheating in a game...Marriage is not a game to me, and so the label 'cheater' seems inappropriate. peace out.

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      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      "This article is trying too hard, I find a lot of it insulting."

      Divine, do not take the contents of my article personally. It was not designed to attack anyone but to share research findings and give guests a chance to voice. The article's contents are based on research, but my comments are mine. This article and my comments are certainly not designed to judge. My experiences, observations of others, and interviews with people are truthful. It was my decision to share, and I did not expect to meet everyone's approval of how I handled it. I told the truth. My errors could be someone's opportunity to learn. I never professed to be perfect in my dealings. Experiences, opinions, and beliefs differ, and those are facts of life. Because we are separate human beings, we do not all handle situations the same way. How can I tell you to be cool, sensible, and mature if your spouse cheats on you and give you syphilis? How can I tell you to sit down with your spouse and talk it out when I do not know your situation? Suppose you just caught him/her in bed with another? Are you supposed to be cool and calm about it? Can I tell you how angry not to get? You have a right to express your emotions. You have a right to grieve. Actually, emotion letting is a step toward healing. Many people who "go off" to the point of committing a violent crime are often those who keep their emotions pent up. Vent if it helps! Letting off steam can be therapeutic. Punch pillows if you must. We are not all prim and proper and ready with a strong mind to face anything that hurts us. If we were all the same, we would be bored to death.

      Some of us do not like a lot of drama when it comes to relationship problems that affect us, but we surely enjoy watching it on TV, at the movies, or reading about it in a novel. Sometimes a good fight with all the dramatic works makes us enjoy the show more. What was the title of the last action-packed movie you watched? Another hub could be about how to properly handle marital infidelities, but this one mostly deals with infidelities, consequences, and truth. Your comment could very well have been the start of a new hub!

      Here, we are talking about experiences, being human, not perfect. We know that we are not perfect, and we certainly have made many mistakes, if not cheating. These are experiences, and there is not anything we can do about them after the fact. They happened. We can only share and learn from them.

      Some people, men and women, discover infidelities when they test HIV positive or when they discover that they are not the father, or the husband has three outside children, etc. It is easy to tell others how to behave when life deals them sour lemons, but would we behave decently and orderly if the worst happens to us? We never know until it happens.

      Again, I would not have you allow this hub to control your emotions. You gave a lot of good advice about how to deal with the pain of cheating. Now, I want you to use the strength I saw in your advice to curb your feelings of being insulted. I am curious to know why you were insulted about what is truth for some.

      In my article I tried to create awareness of other victims often overlooked--children, for example. I also tried to help each cheater to feel self worth. Yes, people will always cheat, and people will also always kill; but do we stop trying to help people to make better choices when their own choices hurt others? Indeed, we all have a right to choose, but we do not have a right to hurt others.

      You said, "When do you think Americans will get past their puritanical addiction to unrealistic marriages? And the need to punish and degrade those who have desperate affairs when they find themselves imprisoned in loveless marriages...marriage is a contract to love and cherish one another...how loving is it when people treat each other like property? You can't own another person or force them to love you. Marriage isn't a license to become fat and lazy physically, mentally or emotionally."

      Don't be too hasty to stereotype Americans. People are people all over the world. Surely you know that all failing relationships due to cheating are not for this reason. Of course, some are. Many cheaters have admitted to having cheated for no good reasons. Most cheaters try hard to keep their spouses after being caught. If the marriages are all loveless, getting caught and dumped would be a great time to get out of them, not plead for a reconciliation. Most cheaters caught do not wish to leave their spouses because they have no good reason to cheat. Cheaters who are not satisfied with their spouses and see no way to help the marriage need to file for a divorce, not creep around and make matters worse.

      You also said, "But when it does happen, the test of character really comes out, and in this article itself, it is revealing of the author...would you want to be married to someone with such draconian views on right and wrong?"

      Don't be too hasty to judge me. You are right that "the test of character really comes out," but it comes out for both the offender and the offended. Cheating does not exemplify good character either. My spouse admitted wrong and apologized. He said he had no excusable reasons for cheating. I eventually forgave him. I did not try to make him stay with me. I left him, but he followed me and we eventually reconciled. I still loved him.

      A woman or man does not have to go around blabbing about their spouses’ infidelities because everyone else usually finds out about it early, and the spouse is often the last to know. You know the story. A certain friend said to me, “I can’t believe that you did not know. He was so bold.” I went back to my husband, but my family members did not approve. The gossip was already out there before I discovered it. We have to remember that each relationship is individual. They cannot all be measured by the same tape.

      Thanks for your comment, Divine! You really asserted yourself with strong points. A little angry, but I like your style. You, also, feel that you are right about what you have said, and I do not grudge you your opinions, nor do I take them personally. I do appreciate all my readers, your visit, and contribution.

    • divine 3 years ago

      This article is trying too hard, I find a lot of it insulting. Obviously cheating is a very difficult aspect of marriage, and very few spouses set out to be cheaters. But when it does happen, the test of character really comes out, and in this article itself, it is revealing of the author...would you want to be married to someone with such draconian views on right and wrong? Yes, you can leave a spouse if they cheat, by all means it's perfectly justifiable. But how a person deals with it says a lot about them. For example, when a spouse first learns that they've been cheated on, do they 1) go out and tell everyone they know and mercilessly punish the offender, 2) deal directly with the offending spouse in a mature fashion, and work it out amongst themselves. In other words, do they react like a child or do they deal with it as an adult? Too many people having adult temper tantrums, and yet we drug our children for acting out...

      When do you think Americans will get past their puritanical addiction to unrealistic marriages? And the need to punish and degrade those who have desperate affairs when they find themselves imprisoned in loveless marriages...marriage is a contract to love and cherish one another...how loving is it when people treat each other like property? You can't own another person or force them to love you. Marriage isn't a license to become fat and lazy physically, mentally or emotionally.

      Marriage Porn seems to consist of deeply unhappy and self-righteous people who set up everyone else to fail in society's eyes with their draconian rules and bizarre customs that have evolved out of what used to be a way of ensuring that children are raised well, and the propagation of a family line. Are the children being raised well?

      I'm all for marriages between two consenting adults. And it's up to them to treat their marriage however they wish to. It's none of my business to judge them or be judged by them. While Europe may have unsavory practices, at least they don't freak out over sexual matters. They make room for friends with benefits, which is not something Americans can handle yet...but with the divorce rate so high, maybe it's time to accept that not everyone will have sex with the same person for the rest of their lives, even though they really meant to. Why do we continue to pressure marriages to fail in this country? What is the point? For some reason it reminds me of the "Hunger Games", only it's the "Marriage Games".

      I suppose we enjoy watching people fail in this country. I personally don't, I think it weakens us as a society to be entertained by the downfall of others. Of course the lawyers love unhappy marriages as they can profit handsomely from it.

      The 'black & white' approach to marriage, all or nothing, is an outcropping of the alcoholics - who are well known for producing that type of thinking. There's a difference between upholding standards and morals, and being a hypocrite: slandering others for their weaknesses or judging them harshly while thinking you're perfect because you force yourself to stay in a miserable marriage.. only people who are unhappy go out of their way to judge others harshly.

      Slowly we are hopefully getting away from our primitive roots and will eventually opt for a more compassionate and realistic approach to marriage as with all other types of unions and contracts.

      I am not saying that it's okay to cheat or have affairs, but it does happen and will continue to happen. It's up to us to find ways to deal with it more gracefully and not like teenage drama queens and the selfish prima donas that seem to make the news a lot. Maybe when the media begins to celebrate those who add value and beauty to this world, and when we as a society begin to demand healthier media output, we'll see positive change instead of celebrating the misfortunes of others by imposing punishing laws, rules and judgmental attitudes.

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      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      Whooo!! I just love your way of laying your thoughts down, fjherj48! You wake a body up and make it think nervously.

      "Can there be even ONE, adult human being in this Universe, who has ever had a relationship, who has not ALSO, at some time, in some way, been betrayed by a person they love?"

      Of course, there are people who have never been betrayed by a loved one! They have not been betrayed because the loved one died or became a vegetable soon after falling in love. No, seriously, I do believe that there are people, even couples, who have not betrayed each other with cheating. I have never cheated on my husband because I only desireed one man at any time. He has cheated on me more than one time. We are older and quieter now. I never dated more than one man at a time. That was never a sacrifice of love inside of me bursting at the seams. I just have always taken relationships slowly and never cared for drama and complications. I am a normal, country woman that a fast man would find boring. I love myself and life. Yes, faithful individuals are very, very present, but unfaithful ones are scattered all over, too.

      I cannot be as casual about cheating simply because so many have cheated since the dawn of man. If we do not advocate for morals in relationships and marriage, we will succumb to paving the way for young people to become more and more immoral in every generation. That is happening already. We cannot take on that "Oh, well, everybody's doing it" attitude because it only leads to devastation.

      People are robbing, committing arson, indulging in child porn and abuse, and other societal ills, but most of us would do what we can to stop it. I suppose we all choose the wrongs that we wish to ignore. I believe in the power that good marriage relationships and family can have in order to be the foundation of good communities. If we ignore those things that are tearing down the family, we are ignoring the betterment of our whole world. Good people make a good world. To make a plant grow, we must put the root in the soil. The root of society is marriage and family.

      This hub was written to help create awareness of the devastation of cheating and to help those indulging to see the pain that they are causing their families and others. They hurt themselves, but often do not feel it until the damage is done and the cheap thrill is over. We want them to know that they are important and worthy of better choices.

      Thanks, fpherj48, for coming by and leaving such thought-provoking comments!

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      Paula 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Can there be even ONE, adult human being in this Universe, who has ever had a relationship, who has not ALSO, at some time, in some way, been betrayed by a person they love?

      Before you jump quickly to speak up......if you believe YOU have never been cheated on, ever, by anyone you had a relationship with......do something very honest and realistic...........Think again.

      At this point in my life......I can't even justify spending time, emotion and/or energy......to think about, worry about or discuss the age-old vice of "CHEATING." I finally see it as discussing sunrise and sunset.......What's to talk about? It just IS. Sorry if I sound jaded or cynical. What I am, friends, is aware and awake. It may hurt like hell, but it is what it is.............Peace.

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      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      Thanks for reading and sharing, Tammy!

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      Tammy 3 years ago from North Carolina

      Sharing this excellent hub!

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      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      Au fait, I could not agree with you and my other commentators more. Cheatig is a selfish, destructive act.

      "The biggest sin (IMHO) is hurting someone's heart recklessly and without cause."

      So true.

      Thanks for your points!

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      C E Clark 3 years ago from North Texas

      Have to agree with some of your other commenters here, that a person doesn't cheat on their spouse out of love for their spouse. They do it out of selfishness and worse.

      I really think cheating hurts a marriage even if the person who is cheated on never finds out. Disloyalty and infidelity break the marriage bond even if only one person knows that has happened. Things in the marriage are never the same again, trust is never the same again.

      The biggest sin (IMHO) is hurting someone's heart recklessly and without cause.

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      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      CrisSp,

      How true! While I am not 100% settled on the notion that men cheat much more than women, I am beginning to settled on the belief that more women cheat than many choose to believe. Some lonely, neglected women are vulnerable. Women love to be loved and love to feel loved because they are quite emotional. Women are also physical. They enjoy a very present functional partner/husband, although they realize that they must allow each other to breathe. Breathing is fine as long as they inhale only air.

      I truly do not believe that most cheaters realize how unbearably painful it is for their partner/spouse to discover that they are intimate with another. Intimacy is like getting married. Connecting. The act can never be reversed nor will the memory likely go away. That is why many women are often very possessive once the sexual act happens. They feel more connected than the man, it seems. So, a cheating husband may wonder why the outside woman gets crazy, blow their cover, and call his wife! Once you connect, you make the woman feel married. That’s why the crazier ones break your car windows and try to run your wife away by telling all.

      I suppose everyone remembers Seymour’s overgrown Venus flytrap in that movie that I cannot remember the title of—LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS! That’s it! I would not have a cheater create a monster. The monster could come back to bite you once it has gotten a taste of your blood and the desire for it has intensified.

      Many years ago when dinosaurs were pups, certain cultures pronounced a man and woman married if they became intimate. Perhaps that is how some multiple marriages (polygamy) got started. When a man, for example, cheated, he just took the woman home to join the rest of his harem in order to make it "right." Even in the US in the good ole days, many responsible fathers warned their roaming sons, "If you get her pregnant, you will marry her!" This teaching was to help males to understand while in their wild youth and after marriage that there are risks involved in sowing oats in fields that are not theirs. This applied to women as well, although they were more protected at that time.

      Thanks, CrisSp, for visiting, voting, sharing, and offering words of wisdom!

    • CrisSp profile image

      CrisSp 3 years ago from Sky Is The Limit Adventure

      I've read this earlier and have to come back to let you know. Cheating and the likes, happens all the time and it's the sad truth. What better way to excuse us all but to say, we're only human, we make mistakes...."BS"!

      No, I'm not perfect but I believe in karma and this is the last thing anyone would want to experience in their lifetime..to be cheated. It hurts and it could kill a relationship.

      I like your standpoint and the way you've presented it. Well done! Valid points well received.

      Voting up and sharing! Thank you.

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      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      Donovan,

      I am sorry that you are going through so much. I hope you experience relief from it all very soon.

      You wrote, "I discovered she had slept with him in our marital bed. The woman I deeply loved and trusted with my life had disrespected me in the worst way possible."

      Her first husband must have trusted her, too. When the two of you got together, her husband must have felt pain very much like yours. Infidelity hurts. I certainly have had more than a fair share of it.

      Thanks for sharing your experience. Hopefully, someone will learn from it.

    • Donovan MacBeth 3 years ago

      Here's a lesson about karma or 'reap what you sow'.

      When I met my ex-wife, she was married to her first husband. I was traveling in a foreign country and met by random (she was with her husband). There was an attraction when we met, but not a love-at-first-sight experience. I saw her a few times during the rest of my travels, and she was wanting to leave her husband. She'd already had an affair and probably should not have gotten married in the first place but did so because they had been together since teenagers. She left her H for me but more so because they had outgrown each other and she no longer loved him.

      Or so she told me. Fast forward seven years later we had two beautiful children together and been been married five years. I thought we had a wonderful relationship, lots of love and caring for one another and our kids. I loved her family. She begins spending time alone with a married man in a professional capacity and one things leads to another. A full-blown love affair begins and eventually she decides to leave me for him. Blame-shifting rewriting, "love you but not in love with you", the works. Tells her family she "lost faith in the marriage" and that there was someone else. Hmmm.. what a coincidence. Our family torn apart and I'm "stuck" in a foreign country with no family and no friends. (We'd only been here a year and a half).

      I realized we had never really reconciled what we'd done to her first husband. I had felt bad, but not real guilt or shame. I hardly knew him. There was not much creeping around because she visited me in out of town locations, and only a few times. I was clearly an exit affair. I now feel a great amount of shame for the role I played in everything. The pain of infidelity and abandonment is unimaginable. I thought I would die from the pain or go insane. I probably should have checked myself into a hospital since I had no support system where I was. Horrible, horrible experience and I still live with it everyday. I discovered she had slept with him in our marital bed. The woman I deeply loved and trusted with my life had disrespected me in the worst way possible.

      I suppose the point to this post is echo that our actions of the past will confront us in the future. I never considered myself a "bad guy" for the break up of her marriage, but now that I know the cover-up stories which cheaters tell, I assume their marriage was probably good until she cheated with the first man. You may be thinking RED FLAGS and you'd be right but I was naïve and she was sweet and intoxicating.

      I do wonder if her relationship with her lover will work out. Both are under 40 years old, it's her third 'marriage' and his second, not to mention he'd had previous affairs. Affairs are so destructive, so mind-warping. The rewriting of marital history is so painful to hear. Until this past year, I'd considered my wife to be a good person overall, with many good qualities and talents, and even though I had wanted to reconcile, her lack of empathy during the separation has lowered my opinion of her forever I believe. I do not know who she is anymore.

      The betrayed suffer the most intense pain but a pain which is harder to calculate is the pain of young children and how adultery and divorce will affect their lives. Every cheater likes to say "Children are resilient; many people get divorce" and so on and so on. I don't think any of those people are researching the effects of divorce. They are too busy looking forward, at themselves and at their new loves. Sadly, my ex-wife's father left her mother for another woman when my ex-wife was a child, and therefore she knows the pain first-hand. I shake my head when she tells me "but I turned out fine.". There's a cycle of pain here and all I can do is try to educate my girls and support them the best I can as a single dad alone over here. I've got a long road ahead of me and some days I just feel like giving in, but every other week I have the two reasons I need for keeping my chin up.

      To all the other betrayed people out there, you're not alone.

      To all those being unfaithful, your story is not unique. The love you feel now for your affair partner may feel much more intense than what you have for your spouse, but ask yourself what love really is. Love does not allow one's self to murder others emotionally.

      Good luck to all.

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      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      You are right, TheKnownTruth! In any society, unless women are well conditioned to remain virtuous, or they are made to feel threatened, they will eventually follow the men's lead. If the males of a society are generally adulterous, the women will likely follow because straight cheaters are after the women! I am not saying that men are totally responsible. They are not, but we all know that it has always been trendy to say, "Boys will be boys," or "Men will be men," or "Men are dogs," etc. All of these usually allude to sexual behaviors, often misbehaviors. As one man said, "Not one straight man can cheat without a woman. So, who's outdoing whom?" He was right. Likewise, not one straight woman can cheat without a man. It appears that the sexes are running neck-and-neck in their shared game. So, I am afraid that there are many pathetic women AND men out there.

      TheKnownTruth, I thank you kindly for your observation and visit!

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      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      Hackslap,

      Your points are identical to my own that I had believed for many years, and still do, somewhat. After listening and reading much about this subject, I must consider another idea. I know that cheating is not an act of love, but I do not believe that every cheater does not love his/her spouse. Painful mistakes are made, and often they are close to unforgivable, but I am not quite ready to continue the belief that a person who commits an act of adultery does not love the offended spouse. This is not excusing the adultery, but many marriages have survived strongly after the unfaithfulness. Love can come in different levels, and all love is not as mature as it needs to be in order to weather the worst of storms. That is why relationships require continuous work.

      Some women love being mischievous, but many neglected, abused, and unhappy women "look for love in all the wrong places." There are very cunning men who can spot a neglected woman a mile away and begin right away devising ways to take advantage of her tender moment by "feeding" her needs. There is no excuse for cheating, but people of all characters, even members of the clergy, have been guilty of it. Many have opted to save their marriages and were successful.

      Thanks for reading my hub and sharing your points!

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      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      Grace,

      Your story is not uncommon. I am sorry that there is distance between your children and grandchildren. That must be a lonely situation. I hope that you all will come together again soon.

      Thanks for adding your story to our conversation. Hopefully, it will help someone to feel that she/he is not alone. Sometimes our darkest hours are followed by light, so, I hope your life grows brighter every day.

      I wish you well.

    • grace 3 years ago

      I was married for 30 yrs. Had 2 daughters & 1 son, and 3 grandchildren. My husband was having a second adulterous affair while making future plans with me, symbolic of his intended forever commitment to me. I raised our children, kept our home and was a supportive good wife to him. Still he decided the grass was greener with another woman he desired. He told me to leave our home since he did't love me and had nothing in common with me and was bored. I told him I'd leave which I did. He wouldn't give me a money. His paramour moved right into my children & grandchildre's lives as she had been doing all along. Our,My, daughters refused to have any communication with me, as thou I died, even thou I tried. They were in their early 30's then. I've missed them and my grandchildren growing up. My husband married his adulteress & given her all he promised me & more. Then divorced me. He had a shark attorney. I was left penniless and without my closest family. Been 12 years now & only son I hear from occasionally when he has time. Husband retired with big pension in 2002. And me I've struggled to live. He's one with no conscious and no feelings. He contacted me once to get some of our

      children's pictures. I know our grown children were affected and grandchildren. How about this - I recently found something my daughter posted "Remember to tell those you love I LOVE YOU BECAUSE WE ARE NOT PROMISED ANOTHER DAY. "

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      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      So true, DDE. Thanks for your visit and contribution to our conversation.

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      Devika Primić 3 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

      Love and trust go hand in hand and if love has failed everything else fails too, an interesting, and useful hub on such relationships.

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      Harry 3 years ago from Sydney, Australia

      Some people (especially women) tend to cheat as they feel like it's a release of some sort out of their caged life filled with routines ..in other words..that sense of 'excitement' ..and then still claim they love their husbands..

      Neverthelss ..I don't subscribe to that theory at all ...if you're not happy with the person whether its for lack of sex or anything else ... do things the right way ... talk. . or leave the person .. and then venture off towards other things ...

      Good article! ..voted up :)

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      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      Cat, Thanks for your added insight. I wis to repeat one of your valuable points:

      "That is why I think communication is by far, the most important key to any healthy relationship. When there is a lack of communication it leaves partners having to fill in the blanks and we are often times, not right."

      So true! I am appreciative.

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      Cat 3 years ago from New York

      Levertis Steele,

      Oh, how true! You are certainly educated on this topic, no doubt! I have some personal experiences that have changed my thinking for life. I have been witness to the person that attempts to justify their wrongdoings and I think that it is for his/her own peace of mind and very likely a direct result of guilt. Unfortunately, for the one being cheated on... they will not see this as remorse or guilt but only a lack there of. That's is why I think communication is by far, the most important key to any healthy relationship. When there is a lack of communication it leaves partners having to fill in the blanks and we are often times, not right.

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      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      Cat,

      I agree with you on all of your points, and I have also seen this many times:

      "The cheater MAY deal with remorse or guilt, but I personally know people that don't even feel that."

      Unless a cheater is heartless with no conscience, morals, or just a tinge of decency, he will feel a bit of guilt or remorse. If the wife has been very difficult, the husband may convince himself that he is justified. Feelings of guilt are built in normal human beings, but, of course, there are always exceptions. It takes more time for some people to mature past selfishness. If the other woman has gotten a man who does not have the capacity to feel shame or guilt when he had wronged someone, woe unto her! A partner without morals or a conscience is apt to do anything. She has about as much of a chance of a successful relationship with him as a snowball has on a hot grill.

      I believe that most people have too much pride to say, "I am sorry. I was wrong." So, the injured may never know that the person that they thought was heartless really wrestled with a lot of guilt. I have heard cheaters say something like, "I had a good wife, but I was too young and did not know how to be a husband. I thought that she loved me too much to leave me, so I did whatever I thought I was big enough to do. I just wish I could turn by the hands of time and tell her that I am sorry." I have also heard similar declarations that cheating wives issued.

      Thanks, Cat, for your visit and valuable contribution to our discussion!

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      Cat 3 years ago from New York

      Levertis Steele,

      Wow, I don't even know where to begin. You've covered so many points and I really like your stance. I've always had my own personal opinion on cheating, but it's only strengthened and yet become more complicated as I've lived more. I think, while I understand 'why' people cheat; there is NEVER a reason to cheat. When in a committed relationship and problems arise, communication is key. The problems should be addressed and if there is no fixing the problems then ending the relationship makes much more sense to me than cheating. The cheater MAY deal with remorse or guilt, but I personally know people that don't even feel that. But, the one being cheated on, may very well be damaged forever. How did I fail? What did I do wrong? Why stray? ... It can add to and create insecurities about oneself and future relationships. It's such an ugly situation. I think men tend to cheat on a whim, purely for egotistically reasons and sheer sexual satisfaction, while women seem to cheat for love or because of feelings of lack of love. I'll reiterate; I think there is never a good reason to cheat... there's always another option. I am scared though, that men will cheat first and think later... being sorry later doesn't do much for me. One should be sorry for even considering the cheating in the first place.

      Great hub... I'm so glad you addressed this.

      Voted up and more ~ Sharing too!

      Cat

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      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      Rajan Jolly, you are right, but many cheaters concentrate more on keeping their spouses ignorant of their creeping. I wonder if many even think about how it would affect the children.

      Although this hub is not designed to "cure" the problem, I am hoping that cheaters, or those who are considering it, would think hard and long about how this could hurt their children.

      Thanks for visiting and commenting!

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      Rajan Singh Jolly 3 years ago from From Mumbai, presently in Jalandhar,INDIA.

      Interesting information. I think the person who cheats should give a thought to the way this is going to affect the children.

      Voted up.

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      RealityTalk 3 years ago from Planet Earth

      Levertis Steele,

      Thanks for the kind words. I wish you great happiness!

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      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      RealityTalk,

      What a "heavy" response! I like the way you wrapped it up at the end.

      You wrote, "In 10 years of marriage, she slept w/me maybe 20 times . . . . My answer was to look to affairs starting in the 7th yr. of our marriage; I felt alone & that I had enough."

      A neglected spouse leads a lonely life, especially a faithful one. I was in your shoes once as I tried to make my marriage work. That is why I carry no guilty feelings about the failed marriage. I did not come to that conclusion quickly. Unfortunately, many years passed before I found peace and let the past rest. It is good that you were faithful as long as you were. If you had not tried so hard, you would probably be carrying guilt around now if you had not been able to find rest. I hope you did.

      There are two, and sometimes more sides—from others directly involved—to every story, but you were good! You really tried and mistakes happen to all of us. When we learn the lessons they bring on, we can move on and apply them to the rest of our lives as needed. Even though we try very hard, we cannot always reconcile or look back if we want to find happiness.

      We can research and share experiences and opinions; but no one can judge another's situation. I believe that you were among a minority of married men who could have lasted as long as you did without cheating. You admitted your mistakes, and you regretted not handling them differently. What else could you have done? You waited. I have always believed that many men out there were good and faithful ones looking for good and faithful women to share their lives. Sometimes, they are hard to find. A beautiful story begins when they find each other.

      I was young when I married the first time, too, and I have made numerous mistakes. If I could turn back time's hand, I would not because I would not want to lose the many lessons learned, and I would not want to run the risk of learning those lessons at this time of my life. My present life comes with its own trials and errors, but I am better equipped because of experiences.

      "All is well that ends well." –Shakespeare

      I am glad you are wiser, and I wish you and your wife continued happiness.

      Thanks for reading my hub and sharing your experience.

    • RealityTalk profile image

      RealityTalk 3 years ago from Planet Earth

      A very interesting & very accurate Hub.

      I am married for the 2nd time now (my wife says, "the last time." I agree.). I married the 1st time at a young age to a woman I pursued because I thought she would be a good wife. Wrong reason. In 10 years of marriage, she slept w/me maybe 20 times; it had to be in the dark & very quick. I sent her flowers every month the 1st 6 yrs. of marriage & I was faithful. We had no children. She didn't like my friends. She put her family & friends 1st - even before me. If we had an argument, weeks would go by without her talking to me. My answer was to look to affairs starting in the 7th yr. of our marriage; I felt alone & that I had enough. A yr. later we separated & 3 yrs. later divorced. I did end up marrying the affection of my affair; someone I met & became close friends with.

      I make no excuse for the affairs I had during the last yr. of living w/my 1st wife while married or the final affair that led to my current marriage. All my affairs except the final one were based on sex. The final one was born of friendship & love.

      I should have handled my situation w/my 1st wife differently. I should have confronted her w/our troubles & said, we just cannot make a go of it any longer. I regret having affairs & I agree w/everything u say about the affect affairs have on everyone. That is why I say I regret having them. Even though speaking w/my 1st wife about anything was near impossible, I should have made the effort. I should have ended our relationship before moving on. I know that now.

      I was fortunate, however. I met the woman I should have married the 1st time via an affair. Maybe, I'm the exception to the percentages. I have been happily & faithfully married 20 yrs. now. My wife trusts me despite my past; I told her everything. I'm lucky I guess. I trust her too; although this is her 1st marriage, so we are not a cheating spouse marrying a cheating spouse, so maybe that has something to do with things. We have 3 beautiful children who we both love & I feel so lucky to have. I would love children of a previous marriage if I had them, but I am so glad I don't have children from a previous marriage; you are right about the effects of divorce on children. I learned from my mistakes in my 1st marriage & I vowed to myself to never repeat them. I have had many opportunities to "cheat" & I have never been tempted by any of them; I tell my wife everything. I never want to hurt my wife. I never want to hurt my children. I have learned there is more to life than sex. The happiness of my wife & my children are of the utmost importance to me. And yes, I agree. The tier at the top of the cake is important & I want to be able to claim until the day I die that the tier is still there.

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      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      Livingsta,

      Your point is unfortunate for the marriage, but you are right. Some damage to spousal relationships is irreparable. That causes the greatest pain for the victimized spouse.

      "What's done is done and cannot be undone" is so final.

      The pain of it all is like an “untimely death.” I am feeling a little Shakespeare here! A smart person who wants to heal will forgive, but forgiveness may not penetrate irreparable damage. That aches!

      Extend your hand to a coiled snake, and you may be convinced to never do it again. You want to pet him, but you are afraid. “De-fang it?” I would be remiss if I did not interject a little hope for what some perceive as the nearly impossible.

      “Hope is the thing with wings.”

      Ok, let’s hope that Hope flies in to anyone who has been cheated on. It is not always easy to forget and trust a spouse again when he/she has caused you to lose something that you cannot get back. The belief and faith that your spouse would never sleep with someone else can NEVER be retrieved after it happens.

      "Once the ivory harp is broken beats the golden bird no more."

      This is one of the realizations that hurt the most! Once it is done, it cannot be reversed. Forgiveness is easier than accepting this fact.

      But, “Hope is [still] the thing with wings.”

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      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      vandynegl,

      I like your advice and optimism about communication. Too many spouses do nothing and suffer silently. Often, they do not know what to do.

      My father always gave his children lots of loving attention, but he hurt us and Mom when we saw him cheating on more than one occasion. That made me fear that he and Mom would separate. The infidelity contributed greatly to my distrust of men, which leaped over ten years and entered my own marriage. I made the effort to get rid of a lot of garbage that I did not know was in my head. Many good men are scarred in advance by women who have built a defense against all men because they were hurt badly by a father or previous spouse. Such women (men, too) need early professional counseling and often do not get it.

      Thanks, vandynegyl1, for your visit and words of wisdom!

    • vandynegl profile image

      vandynegl 3 years ago from Ohio Valley

      Great information! I often think of the young children involved when two people cheat. It can really scar the self esteem and deeply affect the healthy growth and development of the child(ren) involved. I think communicating is the best way to go when one (or more) parties are unhappy. Hopefully, when the communication doors are open, healing can begin.

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      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      Some spouses do not plan to cheat but get caught up in certain situations that they should avoid. An example would be accepting an invitation to have drinks with a female co-worker at her house. Even if sex is not on either party's agenda, both of them are permitting themselves to enter an environment that invites it and makes it easier. Drinks that numb any thoughts of consequences only enhance sexual notions. If the spouse is not strong enough to stay away, an affair begins.

      I have seen many articles that men wrote saying that wives should understand and accept their husband's female friends. I say that men who cannot keep their pants up, zipped, buttoned, and belted to the last hole do not need unsupervised female friends relationships. I am attempting to add a little humor, but there is some truth in my point.

      Thanks, Au fait, for your contribution and sharing!

    • livingsta profile image

      livingsta 3 years ago from United Kingdom

      A beautifully well researched hub. Cheating is a horrible thing in any relationship and it is something that can never be repaired or made up!

      Thank you for sharing this hub with us.

      Voted up and sharing!

    • Au fait profile image

      C E Clark 3 years ago from North Texas

      People who cheat are selfish and give no thought to the affect their behavior and actions will have on their families and the other people around them. All they care about is getting a few minutes of satisfaction and they somehow believe that it's worth risking everything they have in their lives and the well being of their family.

      Very good hub with good points that everyone should consider before getting married or making a commitment. Sharing with my followers.

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      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      So true, Thelma. Thanks for reading and commenting.

    • Thelma Alberts profile image

      Thelma Alberts 3 years ago from Germany

      I agree with you on what you have written. This is a great hub. The cheater are cheating not only themselves but their children as well. They are wasting the love of the people they are cheating. Thanks for sharing.

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      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      This is so true, rajan jolly. Thanks for your visit and input!

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      Rajan Singh Jolly 3 years ago from From Mumbai, presently in Jalandhar,INDIA.

      I believe that cheaters in effect are cheating themselves of a good life and ruining the life of those connected with them as well as theirs.

      Great write. Voted up, useful.

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      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      Download WebWatcher,

      Thanks! I appreciate your visit and post.

    • Download WebWatcher 3 years ago

      Long time reader and this is my first time posting. I can’t really think of what to say other than that your blog is very ingenious and I’m always looking forward to your new content.

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      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      Unless a person does not have any morals whatsoever, he/she will definitely feel remorse from time to time after being unfaithful. It is inevitable. Such an individual may feel too ashamed to ever say, "I am sorry. " She may feel that you would not accept an apology. A betrayal like cheating can ruin nearly every aspect of a victim's life, but take control of your life, and don't let that "monster" control you. Eleven years carrying this burden is too long! You need release and peace. It is yours for the taking, I discovered. I would suggest good, professional counseling.

      Thanks for visiting and sharing. I wish you well, John!

    • John 3 years ago

      Interesting, I sometimes wonder how my ex-wife percieves her decisions and actions. After 11 years I am still suffering severely, even my first sentence shows that I havn't fully let go. In fact I have suffered more than I realised until some recent counselling support bought it home to me. I suppose the readers of this site will be those who are suffering the effects of betrayal and seeking some understanding. The sad part is that the wounds can run deep and understanding and acceptance of the loss is sometimes impossible. It simply becomes pain management and processing. There seems to be a lack of prevention nowadays which ued to be a focus/teaching of religions. With changing social norms, and changing views about religion, I think its the responsibility of states to pick up this social issue and better support victims and educate for prevention. The fact is scars run very deep and can seriously affect a persons participation in society (spouse and kids), there are economic consequences as a result. If there are around a third of marriages and relationships that are subject to betrayal and there may well me more, resoucres to deal with it could be important life skill to have before it happens. Hmmmm, sometimes life can suck and then you die :-) Just throwing out some thoughts, take care.

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      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      Thanks, Nell P.

    • Nell P 3 years ago

      I look forward to future articles you post on this subject. It truly helps in the healing process.

      Thank you!

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      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      I re-read your post and realize that I misunderstood you. Sorry. So, I am normal. I had difficulty reaching forgiveness, but I finally arrived.

      Best wishes!

    • Nell P 3 years ago

      I hope for the release of harboring bad feelings, it is very difficult to reach a state of forgiveness and perhaps even harder to wish them a happy life together after all they've done. I may get there one day, but I do believe I will find indifference before forgiveness. Thank you for your kind words ;-)

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      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      Nell P,

      I am happy to have a new visitor! The other Nell is Nell Rose.

      If you can wish your ex and his mistress happiness, you are in the final stages of healing, I would think. Oh, how peaceful and charitable it is to forgive and wish your abuser much happiness. That sounds like the road to happiness! Unlike you, I held a grudge for years and did not know that I was blocking my own happiness and peace of mind. How happy I was when I discovered it.

      Welcome, and thanks again for your visit!

    • Nell P 3 years ago

      Hi, I'm a different Nell, sorry for the confusion! I changed my name to Nell P so I wouldn't be mistaken, my apologies. I have an ex that is currently with his mistress because I divorced him. I find that my obsession in this healing stage is thoughts that they are happy together and it seems so unfair after all that they did so deceptively. I'm getting better as the time passes but it's been a rough road. Of course, I don't really know how happy they are, as this is just conjecture on my part. Statistically, one would say the relationship is headed for certain doom. One can only hope they cause each other the pain that my children and I have endured, but certainly it could never compare.

    • Levertis Steele profile image
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      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      I will edit to make my meaning here clearer: "the comment was made that once the cheater realizes their mistake, they keep it to themselves and suffer in silence"

      I think that professionals in the field need to write and stress more about the mid-life crisis. Many men past middle age can experience it, regardless of a specific age. Often, they do not fully understand what is happening, and many wives do not either. It is becoming more common for older men to seek younger women. The new products on the market have given them confidence that makes them think that they are 23 again.

      My friend's husband left his very young wife after he came to his senses and realized his mistake. He tried to get my friend back, but she said he had done irreversible damage. Cheating was bad enough, but marrying the woman created a gulf that she could not cross. They were 50-ish and had young adult children. Notice that this man did not remain with his new wife.

      Thanks for coming back, Nell!

    • Nell 3 years ago

      I find it interesting that the comment was made that once the cheater realizes their mistake, they keep it to themselves and suffer in silence. I am not sure, but I see this happening to my ex. He's lost his former sense of self, his home, his children and any ounce of trust we may have ever had for him. He wants the world to believe he won himself an angel of a mistress, but I know him well enough to know he has his doubts. I am done with him and could never go back. It's such a shame that you could lose everything while in the midst of losing your head to an affair. That's the definition of ruining your life.

    • Levertis Steele profile image
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      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      You are so right, Nell. People who have never cheated have a difficult time understanding it. To me cheating is risking a mate's life. It is subjecting a spouse to any and everything someone else has. I have seen faces of totally destroyed spouses who discovered that their mates gave them HIV or genital herpes. Those are incurable. Cheating is extremely dangerous and is comparable to playing Russian roulette. One act could kill both spouses and the spirits of loved ones, especially children.

      I feel a heavy burden for family unity. I have worked with children for many years and have seen the teary eyes of many who missed their daddies or mommies. That hurt me. Many teens have committed suicide because they could not deal with the aftermath of a divorce. So, cheating can cause a long line of hurt people.

      Thanks for visiting and leaving your interesting thoughts.

    • Nell Rose profile image

      Nell Rose 3 years ago from England

      I totally agree with you, I actually think that the second someone cheats its really saying, I no longer love you, and at that point the person should move out. To cheat is an admission of lack of love, otherwise nobody would cheat, they may use all the excuses under the sun saying it was a one off, or she or he lead me on, but if you love someone you just don't do it, nell

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      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      acaetnna,

      While some cheaters seem to have no conscience, most do know wrong from right. I knew a man who took another's wife, married her, and both stayed together until death took one. Sometimes during a disagreement, one or the other would alluded to the cheating that led to their union. Although it was not heard often, enough was said to let another listener know that they harbored guilty feelings and blamed each other in a tell-tale manner. These brief arguments were never severe, and they stayed together. Yet, they never forgot their infidelities. They were a sweet-sad couple.

      Thanks for your contribution, kind visit, and the buttons!

    • acaetnna profile image

      acaetnna 3 years ago from Guildford

      I loved this hub. There is no way out for a cheater. He will live with the guilt forever more. There will never be any happiness in a realtionship that has begun whist a partner is still married. Brilliant work - voting up anf pressing all the appropriate buttons too.

    • Levertis Steele profile image
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      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      When the band of marriage is broken, the children do feel unprotected, and they often suffer silently.

      Thanks, vibesites, for you visit, input, vote, and following!

    • vibesites profile image

      vibesites 3 years ago from United States

      Even if you love someone really, really bad.. trust is greatly shattered and hard to put it back -- really hard to put back all the broken pieces that you and your partner have built even for many, many years.

      It's up to the innocent victim -- whether he/she will give her/him a second chance. But from now on there's always a cloud of doubt in his/her mind.

      Children will be the most affected by their parent's infidelity, and they will pay the heavy price for it even if they shouldn't. That's really sad.

      Up, interesting and a following. :)

    • Levertis Steele profile image
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      Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime

      I must add that some marriage breakups, followed by remarriages, are reasonable and justifiable. Those are not to be confused with wrongful acts. Yet, there are decent ways to dissolve an irreconcilable relationship without wronging others. This hub was not written to promote the dissolution of marriage. If at all possible, husbands and wives should stay together and work on their marriage until death separates them. That is my opinion. Marriage is a beautiful institution when two are in love with each other, respect each other, work out their problems when they occur, and work hard to keep the marriage happy.

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      Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime

      tammyswallow,

      How true! It is a miserable relationship that co-habits with distrust. The love certainly suffers.

      Thanks for visiting and leaving a comment!

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      Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime

      Pashley,

      You are so right. The possibility of contracting an STD should be a great concern considering that some are permanent, even deadly. Can one be blamed for not wanting to play Russian Roulette? Hardly Not.

      Thanks for your insightful contribution!

    • Pashley profile image

      Pat Ashley 4 years ago from Fullerton

      I agree that marriage is supposed to be forever. But if one spouse cheats he has to go. With so many life threatening STDs around it is very dangerous to remain in a relationship.

    • tammyswallow profile image

      Tammy 4 years ago from North Carolina

      This is shocking but not surprising. I think that when trust leaves, so does love. Great hub!

    • Levertis Steele profile image
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      Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime

      Thanks, expertcolumn, for visiting and commenting on my hub.

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      Stanley Soman 4 years ago from New York

      Solid article and morally right. God bless you for telling the truth

    • Levertis Steele profile image
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      Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime

      James, as busy as you are, you still had the time to read another one of my hubs. I don't know how you do it all, but I thank you kindly!

      Yes, the devil has a big hand in this confusion.

    • James A Watkins profile image

      James A Watkins 4 years ago from Chicago

      This is a great article. I agree with you 100%. I think the Devil is in the details.

    • Levertis Steele profile image
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      Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime

      Wilderness, I can only have the greatest of respect for a man who can say this in truth. Your wife is blessed and greatly admired among women who are equally blessed, and others who can only wish. You offer hope to spouses who have given up. We cannot forget that men, too, are victims.

      Thanks for sharing your beautiful love story! It is powerful medicine.

    • wilderness profile image

      Dan Harmon 4 years ago from Boise, Idaho

      I think that you're absolutely right in that broken trust can seldom be regained. Forgiveness, yes, but to regain the lost trust will years and years, if not forever.

      It just isn't worth it. After 35 years of a faithful marriage both my wife and I complete and total trust in each other in this matter, and I wouldn't have it any other way. A night or two, a week away on "business" could never take the place of those 35 years of love.

    • Levertis Steele profile image
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      Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime

      Sunshinesadie:

      Good points! I have known people to leave a note on the spouse’s pillow to announce their departure and the new relationship. Imagine a spouse not having a clue that the marriage was in trouble. You are right, honesty is very important, and it should be timely. I have known people to tell a spouse of a new relationship and ask for a divorce. Afterwards, things got out of hand and one ended up in a morgue. I have also known a spouse to commit suicide after discovering that the other spouse loved another and wanted a divorce. Others have ended up in mental institutions. Reactions to infidelity are numerous, but most are probably less severe. So, how to deal with a determination to leave is not always simple. However, I agree with you here:

      " If your relationship has gone to the point of being attracted to other people, do the honorable thing: TELL THE TRUTH."

      I appreciate your visit and valuable contribution to this hub!

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      Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime

      Barbergirl:

      According to my research, most cheaters do not think that they will get caught, so they neglect to realize that they could hurt more than the wife. When children are involved, it is like being between two boxers who are too busy fighting to see that the child is hurting. I loved my dad and mom, but sometimes a sad memory crosses my mind even though my father died in the 60's. I have healed, but I still remember.

      You said, "But sometimes it takes a strong person to understand and forgive. It is possible, it just takes a lot of strength."

      How true! I was a long time getting to that stage of my healing after I divorce my first husband. He was a constant cheater, an abuser, but very affectionate. He showered me with the usual things women like. I loved him dearly, but one day I woke up and escaped. I eventually forgave him and found sweet peace, but I still remember.

      There was a time that I hated people who cheated, especially women who specialized in husbands. I felt that they should be more compassionate toward another woman because they are women and should understand and care more. Now, I am so happy that I learned to love and forgive cheaters. It was not easy, but it brought peace and taught valuable lessons. It taught me to examine myself and take a good look at my own imperfections. Most of all, I learned that I was in the same lake as those ladies but just in a different boat. (Incidentally, my sister shared a book with me titled SAME LAKE, DIFFERENT BOAT, by Stephanie Hubach. The subject matter is not the same as mine, but the principle is. I plan to read it soon :)

      Thanks for coming back and leaving such valuable points!

    • sunshinesadie profile image

      sunshinesadie 4 years ago

      If your relationship has gone to the point of being attracted to other people, do the honorable thing: TELL THE TRUTH.

      Trust is based on HONESTY which precludes sneaking around and lying about it. The only 'reason' behind cheating is being a coward or just plain selfish and unfair to the one at home who is being decieved.

      Work on your primary relationship or leave it. THEN get involved with someone who is also available.

      Speaking from experience, the worst hurt is being decieved, used... Having to find out via Facebook.

      Very few of us want to stand in the way of 'True Love'.

    • barbergirl28 profile image

      Stacy Harris 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca

      The crazy thing about relationships is that trust is a must. However, when the relationship first starts it is at an all-time high. From there, you can keep it in the level or you can screw up and drop it. While it starts out that high it is nearly impossible to ever get it back up. Sadly though - cheating has to have a reason behind it. Now I am not saying it is ok - because it does hurt everybody involved. But sometimes it takes a strong person to understand and forgive. It is possible, it just takes a lot of strength. Great hub - you have outlined every single detail.

    • Rusticliving profile image

      Elizabeth Rayen 4 years ago from California

      This is a very well written hub, and where "cheating" should never be condone for any reason, we as human beings need to remember that we don't walk in anyone's shoes but our own. We do not know anyone else's circumstances, how they got to that point of straying, what was involved, etc. This is such a sensitive issue and it is our responsibility to not be judgmental, but remember that everyone (including he/she that strays) is hurting, confused, and needs support, not alienation. This hub is an excellent reminder of what is involved when this happens and hopefully encourages those who are heading in that direction. thumbs up Levertis! Lisa

    • jennzie profile image

      jennzie 4 years ago from Lower Bucks County, PA

      Very well-said. I agree that there are no excuses for cheating. The person needs to think about all the people who they are going to hurt before deciding to commit such a selfish act.

    • tammyswallow profile image

      Tammy 4 years ago from North Carolina

      So sad but so true Levertis. This is one thing I will never tolerate again in my life. I just don't understand why those who are wired to be cheaters seek out relationships and marriages. It is a real form of selfishness. Great hub!

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      Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime

      I am in agreement with you about cheating, Bruce. Thanks for your comments, advice, and visit to my hub!

    • Bruce Clark profile image

      Bruce Clark 4 years ago

      Cheating is an enemy to the relationship. It will never do any go, it rather destroys trust and respect for one another. Loving is sweeter and cheating. So let's keep loving and condemn cheating.

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      Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime

      Facing a cheating spouse is more than "a hard fact to face" if you trusted and loved him dearly. It is like being forced to swallow death. It is such an empty, cruel defeat, as harsh as the pain of losing a close loved one. Your spirit falls into a living-dead state and you become numb, cold, bitter, and lonely. All you can do, after the initial shock, is crawl into your cave and lie there in neglect until that slow-coming healing tells you to lick your wounds, crawl out of that cave and survive. The healing process is comparable to that of getting over the death of a close relative. Some women heal completely, but I am convinced that most never heal. These women become distrustful, angry, hard to live with, and some may never marry again. Some second spouses have complained that their mate punish them for the infidelities of the ex-spouse. Counseling could help, but many do not feel the need.

    • angela_michelle profile image

      Angela Michelle 4 years ago from United States

      You bring up a lot of really hard truths here. I don't know how I would personally handle if my husband cheated on me. I don't know if I could even be with him intimately again. That's a hard fact to face.

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      Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime

      Jackie, yes, the inncent spouse carries a big burden of pain while trying to protect others. I am glad that you mentioned that because I think special respect is earned by spouses who do not hurt their children by downsizing their cheating mate. Putting self aside is not always easy, but it is admirable when done for innocent children.

      Thanks for your valuable input!

    • Jackie Lynnley profile image

      Jackie Lynnley 4 years ago from The Beautiful South

      You do go on beyond the two and show how very many can be hurt. In most or many cases at least I think the innocent spouse usually suffers the pain alone hiding the sins of their partner to protect all these others and surely not getting the support or understanding they deserve.

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      Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime

      dagny roth:

      Sadly, many cheaters are unable to differentiate two emotions: "love" and "lust." Many have gotten married again and discovered later that they still loved their first spouse. This is common in men who do not forgive a betrayal as quickly as women. Often these individuals suffer, or regret, silently and never voice their revelation because of pride, unwillingness to reveal it to the second spouse, and their first mate's refusal to return to the marriage. So, they make the best of the situation and remain silent. Many second-time spouses have revealed to confidantes that they "jumped out of the frying pan into the fire."

      I have also experienced the pangs of betrayal, and it is so sad to lose trust in a marriage partner, and as you stated, hard to rebuild.

      Thank you for reading my article and making such contributive comments.

    • dagny roth profile image

      dagny roth 4 years ago from Neverland

      Good hub! More potential cheaters should read this. I know from experience those pangs of betrayal, guilt and how hard it is to rebuild trust. I personally could never forgive someone who so easily is tempted into destroying a commitment.

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      Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime

      Ruchira:

      Thanks for your visit and insightful comment!

    • Ruchira profile image

      Ruchira 4 years ago from United States

      well said levertis.

      Marriage stands on trust and if that is shattered once, the pillars become weak and shaky.

      useful hub with voting it up

    • Levertis Steele profile image
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      Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime

      Pamela:

      I read a number of sources and got most of my information, but I observed some of it during my lifetime.

      Thanks for your kind comments.

    • Pamela Kinnaird W profile image

      Pamela Kinnaird W 4 years ago from Maui and Arizona

      Very well thought-out article you've done here. I hadn't previously thought of some of the repercussions or possibilities you have listed which can later stem from this heartless sin.

    • Levertis Steele profile image
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      Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime

      Lady_E:

      If a couple, or one of the two, does not love enough to be faithful, he/she should be considerate enough to remain single.

      Thanks for your thoughts.

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      Elena 4 years ago from London, UK

      Very touching Hub and you are so right. Excuses are not acceptable. I hope many who are facing this can find ways to get back together and stay strong and for those thinking of having "a bit on the side" to not yield to the Ugly Temptation.

      It's nice that you wrote this.

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      Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime

      Thanks for visiting, WannaB Writer.

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      Barbara Radisavljevic 4 years ago from Templeton, CA

      This is very well done and supports what I' ve observed over and over when married people have cheated on each other. God, in his great mercy, allows for healing in some cases and reconciliation that leads to an even stronger marriage, but this is probably the exception. Voted up and useful.

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      Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime

      MartieCoetser:

      Thanks for visiting my hub and leaving your comment.

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      Martie Coetser 4 years ago from South Africa

      Levertis, I agree with you. Marriage is supposed to be a holy haven for a father, mother and children and it should be regarded with great respect. Adultery destroy even the divine image we have of the marriage. I know it is not easy, but husband and wife should try harder to keep their marriage a holy haven.

      I believe broken trust can never be restored. One simply live on with the knowledge that his/her partner has feet of clay and he/she may any day find a more suitable and lovable partner. Instead of pondering over this, or wanting the partner to become what we would like him/her to be, rather focus on all the other opportunities Life offers us to enjoy daily.

      Just loosen the emotional bonds... regard him/her as an individual who happens to be the father/mother of your children and therefor to be respected.

      My mother always said: "Don't expect anything, then you will not be disappointed when you get nothing."

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      Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime

      Cheaters not only cheat their spouses, but they also cheat others who love them, especially their children.

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