How Cheating Wrecks a Marriage and Other Relationships

Updated on June 17, 2016
Husband and Wife
Husband and Wife | Source

Trust and Distrust

Trust is the foundation that marriage rests upon, but when it is broken, it often remains that way. A spouse can forgive, but that painful experience will lurk in the offended spouse’s mind. They won't want to let down their guards for fear that it could happen again. For some, it is easier to forgive than to forget. Trusting and getting hurt is bad enough. Who wants to walk blindly and chance it to happen again? It is not uncommon for a wounded spouse to put up barriers of protection.

Distrust is very common between the spouses when one has cheated. Distrust is like padding to lessen the blow if cheating happens again. It is hoarded like rare coins and not easy to give up. On the other hand, it is certainly not impossible to trust again, but it usually does not happen easily or quickly.

One victim of cheating said that, after she reconciled with her husband, the effects of infidelity were like a beautiful wedding cake that had been snatched by a starving dog that got away with the tier, the crowning part of the cake. Getting the trust back was as likely as finding that dog and hoping that he would regurgitate the tier intact. The remaining cake was still beautiful, but the unforgettable tier, the most attractive layer, could be forever gone and sorely missed. How could a loving spouse take such beauty away from a loved one he promised to cherish? Such pain is often indescribable.

Secure Family with Father's Protection
Secure Family with Father's Protection | Source
Wondering Why Father Abandoned Them
Wondering Why Father Abandoned Them | Source

Lives Affected

Cheating doesn't only affect marriage. Cheaters victimize relationships with children, loving friends, other close family members, and themselves. Both cheaters’ families may suffer from pain, embarrassment, and awareness of community gossip. Such scandals seem to lower the integrity of whole families in communities. Even though this is stereotyping, whole families may suffer because of it. Children do not want their parents to suffer. Mothers and fathers do not want their married daughters to hurt needlessly. A good friend does not want to witness her best friend's husband in a compromising situation with another women. A cousin or an aunt does not want to hear gossip about their loved one from outsiders in the community. A grandmother does not want to discover that her prized grandson is a cheater. Young people contemplating marriage one day may lose respect for the union due to all of the infidelities in society, and celebrity gossip coming through the media does not help either. All of these visible experiences are painful for many family members and others to bear when going through the effects of cheating.

Children may feel that their father or mother, who has chosen another family, has traded them for other children. Children, often the most wounded victims, suffer many years at the alienation of a parent from the family. Many children suffer silently and, too often, blame themselves. Sometimes the trauma spills over into the rest of their lives in the forms of various dysfunctions in their own families. It is clear that the forbidden pair and the innocent spouse are not the only ones affected by the unfaithfulness. Domino effects of such trauma could affect upcoming generations without proper intervention. Counseling is vital at this time, but most families fail to see the need for it.

The effects of cheating on the spouse can be lasting and may forever change her outlook on relationships and life. A second relationship or marriage could suffer repercussions stemming from the previous marriage if the victimized spouse has not healed. Many second husbands have reported spousal punishment because of the previous husband's errors. These scarred women, often severely misunderstood, are said to be "angry," "bitter," or "mad" when they are actually afraid, wounded, and not healed.

Children Suffer, too
Children Suffer, too | Source

Distrust Between Cheaters

The cheaters realize later, when the newness of their relationship wears off, that they had neither consideration for the feelings and health of the ones whom they love, nor did they consider their own best interests. If the cheaters marry, each may wonder if the other thinks affectionately about their spouses or even wishes to reconcile, and this may cause a tinge of jealousy. Where is the trust between cheaters? This is where blaming each other may occur. Wrong relationships do not easily become right ones.

The cheaters may accuse each other of seduction, lying, and using. They may even separate. The feelings of separation can be devastating even though both parties know that they are doing the right thing. Being alone, feeling the sting and loss resulting from poor decisions, feeling used and cheated of a normal life, and blaming each other, are all feelings that the couple often face after terminating their relationship. Trying to justify reasons to break up someone else’s home is short-lived. The truth has a way of worming its way out of individuals and staring into their eyes. Thus, the cheaters grow to realize that they are each other’s victims. A younger woman, especially, may accuse an older man, whom she may think should have been wiser, of taking advantage of her youth and lack of knowledge of possible consequences. Can they ever completely trust each other considering the damage that they have done to their families? Escalating fears may eventually lead to bad blood between the cheaters.

Blaming the Innocent Spouse

The forbidden couple has a tendency to cast blame on the innocent spouse(s) in order to throw off their own feelings of guilt. Sometimes they fight to keep the innocent party from getting any financial support and even may convince themselves that any children in the marriage are better off with them, the fitter parents (dad and step-mother). They play the game of making the innocent spouse the culprit. Whatever the husband has told the mistress, she believes and uses against the wife. They spend much time trying to convince friends and family that the innocent spouse caused the problems that led to their coupling. They are trying to paint a picture of innocence, but they know better than anyone that this image is fabricated and can never be a masterpiece.

Alienation of Family, Friends, and Others

Some family, friends, acquaintances, and others may not readily socialize with the cheaters because they have sided with the innocent spouse, while others may choose to side with them. Still, others will distrust these cheaters around their own spouses or partners due to their adulterous reputations. The forbidden couple often attracts others like themselves or singles as friends. Of course, a few old friends will linger. The couple may also run the risk of being excluded or not accepted in certain social circles, which is a mirror of disrespect. Once a person is labeled in a community as unfaithful, it may never disappear, even if the person changes. Others, even outsiders, often do not forgive or trust again.

Alienation of Spousal Affection

Some wives sue mistresses for alienation of affection. This decision can badly affect the mistress's financial stability. So, a risk taker might want to think about this before pursuing someone else’s spouse.

Mom Doing It Alone
Mom Doing It Alone | Source

More Distrust

Is it logical for cheaters to think that cheaters do not cheat? Imagine two cheaters married to each other. What are their secret thoughts? Can they trust each other? Where is the credibility? Is each capable of cheating on the other? They both have certainly had lots of practice. Their behaviors speak for them.

Guilt

Guilt is like a cancerous sore. It grows and gets worse as time passes. Soon it begins to occupy the mind, invading thoughts when it is not wanted. It causes worry, regret, and shame. Such thoughts certainly do not add to the happiness of any relationship. The cheating spouse may think about returning to his wife and rekindling his marriage. A spouse who has had a Christian upbringing may fear God’s judgment, end the affair, and seek forgiveness.

Vengeance and Desperation

There is always a slight chance that an obsessed party, who could be anyone in the triangle, may inflict bodily harm on the spouse, the mistress/lover, or the cheater due to desperation and a need to control. The mistress may try various manipulations to anger the wife in order to break up the marriage. A desperate mistress could even be a threat to the wife's life. Husbands have discovered too late that their mistresses were capable of harming their wives, even their children, in their attempts to alienate and quickly possess the husband.

Often wives do not know that their husbands are cheating. Many spouses and mistresses get so involved before they attempt to rectify their mistake that they have to endure the once unsuspecting spouse’s angry reactions, which could result in a very nasty and costly divorce. Some injured parties hire spies who collect loads of evidence against the husband or wife which could be devastating in court. Victimized wives must be careful because there is no secret that desperate husbands, who have fallen in love with their mistresses and do not wish to share their money with their wives, have been known to plan their murder, even involving their eager mistresses. A tragedy is not uncommon in relationships gone bad. Choosing a prison bed and separation forever is not exactly a honeymoon suite for cheaters or wives who seek to solve problems with desperation and crime.

Dealing With Consequences
Dealing With Consequences

Possible Irreparable Consequences of Cheating

Many cheaters think that they can repair damage to their marriage if their spouses discover their infidelities. They feel that it is just a matter of getting the offended spouse to forgive them. That could happen, but it may not always be that simple. Some of the following consequences could be long-term or irreparable in a marriage, home, and family after a spouse has been caught cheating:

  1. broken trust
  2. dysfunctional family
  3. low self-esteem
  4. severe depression
  5. defamation of character
  6. alienation of affection lawsuit
  7. divorce
  8. major financial changes due to a divorce settlement
  9. alienation or distancing of family members and friends
  10. contraction of incurable STD’s
  11. outside pregnancy
  12. child support payments that take money away from the household, spouse, and children
  13. “baby's mama” problems that could affect spouse and family's wellbeing
  14. stalking
  15. threatening or harassing phone calls
  16. severe violence and risk of imprisonment

The Statistics according to "WOMAN SAVERS, World’s largest Database Rating Men”

“Infidelity statistics have varied drastically over the past 50 years. The problem with obtaining accurate statistics on adultery is that most people will not tell the truth because it is such a sensitive subject. Controlled cheating surveys are scarce and the below infidelity percentages have been randomly collected from various sources:

“Affairs affect one of every 2.7 couples, according to counselor Janis Abrahms Spring, author of 'After the Affair'," as reported by the Washington Post on March 30, 1999. Ten percent of extramarital affairs last one day, 10 percent last more than one day but less than a month, 50 percent last more than a month but less than a year, and 40 percent last two or more years. Few extramarital affairs last more than four years.

“A lesser known fact is that those who divorce rarely marry the person with whom they are having the affair. For example, Dr. Jan Halper’s study of successful men (executives, entrepreneurs, professionals) found that very few men who have affairs divorce their wives and marry their lovers. Only 3 percent of the 4,100 successful men surveyed eventually married their lovers.

“Frank Pittman has found that the divorce rate among those who married their lovers was 75 percent. The reasons for the high divorce rate include intervention of reality, guilt, expectations, a general distrust of marriage, and a distrust of the lover.”

Conclusion

Cheating is never right in a marriage or any relationship, and excuses are not acceptable. Consequences are devastating for all involved, especially the offended spouse and children. Even the cheaters endure the negative consequences of their poor choices. They may be alienated by family and friends and may have to undergo a financial change due to a divorce and settlements.

It is important that each victim realizes that no matter how guilty they feel, they are not responsible for the affair. Even cheaters should value themselves as worthy of a relationship that does not downsize them to the level of creeping, stealing, or victimizing innocent individuals.

It has been revealed in popular surveys that over 90% of cheaters do not marry each other because of distrust and guilt. A broken family relationship is a broken home, a dysfunctional home, and no one should be forced to endure the trauma that transpires there.

Disclaimer

The contents of this hub are not designed to serve as professional advice to anyone that cheating has affected. It is designed to share research findings, personal experiences, and any insight that commentators volunteer to share. Anyone in need of help or guidance after experiencing trauma brought on by infidelity should seek professional counseling. The author wishes you wellness and happiness.

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      peterson atkinson 

      5 months ago

      As much as the result of finding out that ones trusted partner is in fact having an affair outside their legitimate relaationship can attract a very painful cost that often leads to a breakup, its important to know that these painful breakups and divorce must be done based on only real proof of infidelity, simply assuming without as much as a picture or a trend recorded over a period of time is unacceptable. i empoyed cyberwebkey484 at gmail dot com to help me get solid proof of my now ex wifes affair and it turned out she was deep into the act, cyberwebkey also allowed me access to monitor her location and a lot more, in the end , i was more than convienced that she was a lost course and i had to move on and for the best. dont be eager to make a decision ina delicate issue such as this.

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      rayeliz 

      6 months ago

      Why does the cheater continue to lie to his wife regarding an affair? His wife was told that he had only kissed and went to lunch a couple of times with another woman. He didn't tell her that the affair actually lasted 4 months (relationship) and obviously, sex to.

      Is he just protecting himself, and won't it be worse if the wife ever finds out more information?

    • Janet Andrew profile image

      Janet Andrew 

      8 months ago

      cheating spouses often exhibit noticeable changes in behavior. Catching a cheating spouse may be difficult and even require the use of a private investigator. Private investigators may use personal surveillance techniques, video taping, or photography to obtain proof of the infidelity. In some cases, a private investigator may do a background check on the individual to obtain information of their past. You have to note that not all comment are real most of them are spammers and from what i have been made to understand, this job doesn’t come cheap. In the case of mine I requested for the service of this private investigator (captainspyhacker2 AT gmail DOT com ) who helped me gain access to my husband phone remotely using his techniques he did the job with no traces. up to this moment I still monitor his phone because I need a strong proof for divorce. Thanks Captain for this wonderful service you offered me

    • profile image

      Susan67 

      8 months ago

      Great article! Hi ….I want to share my life which has changed in past 15 days. I’ve been married for past 7 years.Thought I had a happy married life as my husband cared for me and I loved him from the deepest core of my heart.He never hide this phone chats mails from me 2 weeks ago I happened to check his phone as he just returned from a trip ..I saw dirty chats with one of his colleague when I confronted he deny all until I try to contact a private investigator who helped me hacked his phone remotely I was able to see all that goes in and out of his phone until I caught him with a solid proof...thanks for this wonderful service if you have similar issue contact this man via his gmail cyberhack005

    • profile image

      Sasha 

      8 months ago

      What's not really touched on is when the cheat suddenly realises that this new relationship has all the mundane strains that his old relationship had. Paying the bills, putting the bins out ,and less money!

      My ex cheated after being together for over twenty years. I went NC immediately and kept it like that for over ten months. I also made a conscious decision to never let him in my life again. Well, his "new life" wasn't up to scratch after the violins and hearts exited into normal life. I had him begging me,telling me he loved me and would forever,how he missed me,the kids and our life....I let him spill his guts,trying to prize his hand off mine,smiled and told him to go home....he'd made his bed,now he'd have to lie in it. I can't tell you how fantastic it felt,to realise in that moment that I really was done with him,and she was very welcome to him.

      So anyone who thinks cheating is ok, it's never the answer,and if you had any respect for your spouse,you'd leave without adding another person to the equation. It's selfish, and shows what selfish twat you are!

    • profile image

      armanivegas2011@live.co.uk 

      9 months ago

      Moral clarity and common sense in this article. Cheating is absolutely wrong and inexcusable. In today's anything goes society, this article is a beacon of light.

    • profile image

      Susan67 

      9 months ago

      I saw many comment on Youtube of how cyber hack had helped many people catch their cheating spouse without any traces. I contact him his gmail(cyberhack005) and give him a try to my greatest surprise he did an amazing job. I caught my husband with the aid of this genius using personal surveillance techniques, video taping, and photography to obtain proof of the infidelity. I showed my husband the proof, he was shocked and couldn't know what to say. From that moment I wanted to quit our union but he started apologizing that i shouldn't quit and promise me such act will not repeat itself. I gave him that last chance not because of him but because of our kids,

      I contact captain spy to share my experience and thank him for a magnificent job, he replied and assure me that he has many way to catch a cheater that I shouldn't hesitate to contact him if I notice any infidel act in our union. I am so glad to contact this man. You can reach him if you have a similar problem, He is an expert that delivers in 24hrs or less. You can email him via cyberhack005 AT gmail DOT com. He is affordable

    • profile image

      Jessica Cook 

      10 months ago

      No one deserves to be cheated on, especially when your fully loyalty lies with the betrayer of your trust. initially, I thought I was just feeling insecure when my husband would just be on his phone at odd hours, until I decided to take my chances to know, knowing is much better than self doubts and its exactly what happened when I requested for the service of one of the best hacker ; nullantrax2017 AT outlook DOT com to help me check her phone. Now i know when he tells the truth because I receive all his calls, outgoing and incoming, see his whatsapp messages, facebooks, emails. I think its the best way to justify his loyalty and I found out that instead of guessing, right now I have access to his phone remotely anything that goes in and out of his phone is exactly what goes in and out of my phone. I see everything,i hear everything

    • profile image

      Linda 

      14 months ago

      my partner of 6 Years cheated on me , he left me 3 times for the same woman she caused a lot of trouble And made me look like the guilty one.I cried for 2 years but now I'm glad to see the back of him heIs a narcissist and she has got nothing to look forward to He lies and cheats I'm better offWithout him .

    • profile image

      C-innocent husband 

      20 months ago

      I see that this article is definitely one-sided. It seems skewed to show that the husband is the one doing the bad and how victims are usually women and not men. If I (as a man - who coincidentally have been the victim of infidelity at least three times by the same woman) had written the same article from a one-sided perspective - a good percentage of women and feminists would cry foul and sexism.

      But the context is pretty accurate, otherwise. I know from my personal experience, that I was time and time again, deceived and betrayed. Time and Time again, I forgave (except for the last time). Divorce ensued. and because I didn't forgive this time, my ex did whatever she could to hurt me by using the court system who tend to favor the mom without question - and took my girls away. My girls... who were like another limb to me... always with me, built the memories while the mom was out having affairs... she took them from me and hurt us all.

      Unfortunately, being a man, public/social grace does not shine down upon us - in my case I even went to the "authorities" and school councillors to voice my concern about my child's mental health, but it was all rejected or just ignored. Had I been a woman, rest assured, much would have been done and resources and empathy would have abounded.

      Alas, truly - the innocent get hurt - perhaps even more so, if the innocent is the husband....

      What a hypocritical society....

    • profile image

      20 months ago

      I cheated on my wife and feel ashamed of it.

      I am trying to console her everyday. She cannot trust me anymore, which is fair and I cannot convince her that this won't happen again.

      A constant sinking feeling stays with me whole day and I cannot concentrate on anything. I had many ambitions in my life but everything now seems to be worthless as I am nothing in my wife's eyes.

      After getting caught we tried to find happiness in our lives again. But even small mistakes of mine are too big now. I always find myself trying to convince my wife that this will never happen again.

      I am really disappointed with myself. I don't know what should I do now.

      How can I live a normal life with my wife again? How can I make her live a good life again? I don't want to get a divorce because I love her sooo much.

      I know I shouldn't have cheated in first place. But I am helpless now.

      There is no solution for this I know, but I am trying to find a way to resolve the turmoil in our lives.

      Can anyone please give me some suggestions?

    • profile image

      wanyonyi maxwell 

      20 months ago

      very educative information

    • profile image

      JoJo 

      24 months ago

      I came across this article looking for some answers and it looked like there was some good insight but I had to quit reading after a few paragraphs because of you assuming that it's the husband that always cheats. I was with my wife for 3 years before we got married and about 8 months in she started having an affair. Not only was she my best friend but I thought she was the most wonderful person I had ever met. Some people say that the amount of trust I had in her was unhealthy. I sent her on trips to Austailia, Florida for Soring break and all sorts of other things that I didn't want her to miss out on, things I had done, because I had total trust in her faithfulness. I am very good looking, funny, smart and have a huge heart. I would never cheat because of how much it would hurt the other person and was shocked the day she left me for her softball coach. I can't imagine that very many people have felt this much pain in their lives and I wouldn't want my worst enemy to go through it. I've always wondered how anyone could take her side, especially her parents, who were like my own family. How could they let this guy, who did what he did, into their house after me? I felt like I completely lost everything. Am I doomed to never trust anyone ever again?

    • profile image

      TheHonestTruth 

      2 years ago

      Cheating today is the main cause of most break ups, and Most of the time it is always the woman that Cheats since they just Can't commit to just Only One Man.

    • profile image

      fjohnson3 

      3 years ago

      I cheated on my wife (by talking to other females and saving pictures of random girls, but nothing ever physical or emotional). She has found me doing this 4 separate times in the 5 years we've been together (married 2 years) and has taken me back each time. This most recent time we have come very close to divorce but I am fighting to keep the marriage together that I have destroyed. Understably, she hates me and is disgusted by me. She has considered physically cheating to make herself feel better. Any advice?

    • profile image

      das 

      3 years ago

      I was a victim of cheating by my wife. Once when we were engaged and once when married. I strove to keep the house and kids together. I now am that list because of it 10 yrs latter it's as bad at times. I was a good man now that after effects list applies to us. Criminal record depression dysfunction etc in heighnsight I should have bit the bullet and divorced as separation is now happening from my narcissistic wife

    • Levertis Steele profile imageAUTHOR

      Levertis Steele 

      3 years ago from Southern Clime

      Kirsto, you fear that your ex will break down. You seems to be concerned about his mental health. That is caring, and I find it admirable.

      What about your friend who has left her three girls? Are you concerned about the effects this split could have on them? Does your friend care? I hope so. Kids deserve the very best that parents can offer them. Not one needs to be neglected. Your 16 year old is living with a dysfunctional father, according to your statements. As mom, you need to step in and spare him (your son) the pain this could cause.

      I advise all of you to seek professional counseling. I hope all goes well for you, the ex's, and the children, especially. Stay well, and take care of those kids.

    • profile image

      Kirsto 

      4 years ago

      I am 3 months on from my husband of 16 years out of the blue leaving to shack up with a collegue of his that has now left her husband and 3 daughters. I've spent the past weeks reading what I can, and devoting my time to my sons aged7 and 11.the most difficult part of all of this is the change in my ex partners behaviour and priorities. He was a fab father, local family doctor. Now he can't be arsed with seeing his kids, makes excuses all day long. Has been shunned at work by his collegues. Has received letters from his patients telling him he's immoral etc etc. but he continues to disrespect our history of travelling the world together, raising two boys etc, being best friends to insist that he's made the right choice in ruining two families. Sadly my 16 years with him enables me to know that he is mentally not strong enough to eventually deal with his reckless destruction and I fear he will break down.he is in hiding from his family, drinking excessively. But I won't be there to help him. It's gutting as he was my best friend just 3 months ago and I would have done anything. Love to disgust in just days. People are saying its midlife crisis, what difference does the label make?. Surely after 3 months of living with this women in hiding he will never ask for my help?. I'm not a mean person and would struggle to turn away but I can remember my sons faces too well from 2 months ago when they realised daddy had swooped them!!! For butch 50 year old and a caravan!!

    • Levertis Steele profile imageAUTHOR

      Levertis Steele 

      4 years ago from Southern Clime

      Yaya, I am sorry that you are not able to move on after your daughter split from her husband and took another. I think you should seek professional counseling. I wish you well. Thanks for sharing.

    • profile image

      Yaya 

      4 years ago

      I don't know where to turn, my daughter cheated on her husband now they are separated, my grandchild split their lives btwn mom and dad and I see no reconciling. The person she was caught cheating with its still a big part of her everyday life. I can't bring myself to a place where I'm willing to meet him or attending gathering where he might be. It's been almost a year since my daughter got out on her own, how do I move on?

    • profile image

      James G 33 

      4 years ago

      If I was married with a 1 year old son and I was constantly being mentally abused with threats of physical abuse

      And one day while my wife was off work I left her fully capable if taking care of my son and just left is that considered child abandonment ?

    • lilmissmontana profile image

      Erin Nichols 

      4 years ago from Montana

      Wow, this hub really gave me the shivers. Such a touchy subject, but one that needs to be brought to light. Those statistics (1 in ever 2.7 couples suffer an affair) is huge and very frightening. Being cheated on is my greatest fear in my relationship as it is the one thing I don't think I could be honestly forgiving about. I think even if I tried I would fail because I would hold it over his head forever, and it wouldn't be fair to either of us. Thank you for the hub!

    • MG Singh profile image

      MG Singh 

      4 years ago from Singapore

      Yes it does, but sometimes it can't be helped, the human chemistry is so complex

    • Levertis Steele profile imageAUTHOR

      Levertis Steele 

      4 years ago from Southern Clime

      midget38,

      Yes, I can relate to your comment. I thank you kindly for your visit and contribution!

    • midget38 profile image

      Michelle Liew 

      4 years ago from Singapore

      True words. Have seen this happen to couples close to myself and it wrecks badly.

    • Levertis Steele profile imageAUTHOR

      Levertis Steele 

      4 years ago from Southern Clime

      CraftytotheCore,

      It does take a lot of strength to heal from difficult, hurtful situations. The important thing is that it can be done.

      Thanks for your kind compliment and visit! I wish you continual happiness with your new life.

    • CraftytotheCore profile image

      CraftytotheCore 

      4 years ago

      This is an excellent article. I am divorced from an abusive spouse that did in fact blame me for all his wrong doings. I never saw it coming because he was a master manipulator. There are some people in this world that lie, cheat, and manipulate to get everything they want. It takes a lot of inner strength to heal from a situation like this. I am now married to a wonderful man and can't believe that I lived in that prior situation for 10 years.

    • Levertis Steele profile imageAUTHOR

      Levertis Steele 

      4 years ago from Southern Clime

      Annie,

      There are times when a spouse is cheating he/she creates a distraction that affords him to shower all of the attention on the preferred other. Impotence is not an uncommon one. This may not be the case with your husband, but he did get married again.

      You seem to be getting along well enough. I am glad. Life does go on, and you should float with it. Surely there is someone for you, and I hope you find him.! I appreciate your visit, and I wish you well.

    • profile image

      annie 

      4 years ago

      Well my ex had been impotent for many years, and would seek help occasionally, but never follow through with any tests, help or a second visit. I waited patiently for 14 years for him to find out the cause, and did ask many times was he still attracted to me. I loved him very much and thought it was more important not to overly pressure him and I wanted to keep our family together despite my disappointment of not having a whole husband/ wife relationship in this way, as we got on very well, and did spend time together, I thought he felt the same way. He began an emotional affair with a woman he came into contact with through our kids, I discovered it and asked him to leave as he had changed as soon as I found out to an arrogant man whom I didn't recognise. A few days later he became remorseful and promised me that he would never hurt me this way again if I would forgive him. Well I did so on the understanding that he would be true to his word, and also seek help with the impotency, as he had shown me with his interest in the other woman that he did want an intimate relationship. He had told me a few times that he had next to no sex drive. Fast forward to 3 years later, he told me he was suffering depression and that he had to move out to sort himself out, which turned out to be a lie, he was in the midst of another affair, to whom in less than few weeks from now, he is getting married. He has spent a lot of energy ensuring he rewrote most of our life together, tried to hobble me financially, by dragging out settlement and being in arrears for child support as he was claiming falsely a much lower income. He and I work for the same employer, and he has had the boss make me wait outside until he has left the building. His family say he is going through a very selfish midlife crisis, and know that him and his new partner have treated both our kids and I dreadfully. He has lost most of his friends over his treatment of them as well, and say he isn't the man he once was. I have done much self reflection throughout this whole period of my life and haven't found why he treats me this way. Our son was asked to be best man at his wedding, and although he doesn't want to attend he doesn't want to offend his father either, upon being asked whaf us the problem, he said " Dad has asked me to write a speech, but I haven't got not one good thing to say." It has been a most difficult time in all of our lives to watch him spiral down to where he is now. I don't wish him ill, but I really don't understand other than he always has been a person who thinks the grass is greener.

    • Levertis Steele profile imageAUTHOR

      Levertis Steele 

      4 years ago from Southern Clime

      Li,

      Cheaters who continue their relationship after a divorce often do not feel the need to hide from anyone. It is true that some people marry the wrong person. It is also true that cheaters do not always initiate the breakdown of the marriage. Even so, their cheating only escalates the problems in the marriage. A couple can also be very happy after one divorces a spouse but may not know that the preferred relationship is not right for him/her. I have seen this many times in my life.

      I had a friend who divorced his virtuous wife, also my friend, and married another woman that he loved dearly. She said that she loved him, too, and made him very happy. The only problem was that she enjoyed cheating and did not stop after marrying him. She actually told me that she cheated and enjoyed it. He was clueless. I had a sorrowful heart for him because I knew him first through my husband. They raised two children and lived together seemingly happy until he died. This is a true story. I suppose good people do not always make others happy.

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Li!

    • Levertis Steele profile imageAUTHOR

      Levertis Steele 

      4 years ago from Southern Clime

      Angel,

      Cheating, whether the partners are few or many, can be a pain. I thank you for your visit and comment.

    • profile image

      Li 

      4 years ago

      I have a question, it is usual that cheaters after got discovered and divorce, shown their affair to everyone (friends, family). Showing that they are happy, without regrets and that they are the perfect match to each other? Are there hide feelings? maybe they need reaffirmation from everyone about that they are right in what they did?

    • profile image

      angel 

      4 years ago

      Thank you. I have been in relationships where the cheating was ongoing. There were so many women that it was difficult to keep up with them. This information is very helpful, and I found another site that is also helpful. Here is the URLhttps://wordpress.com/read/blog/id/65087974/

    • Levertis Steele profile imageAUTHOR

      Levertis Steele 

      4 years ago from Southern Clime

      Natalia,

      I am sorry to learn of your ordeal with your family and your problem dealing with trust. I hope that you do find a good man who is trustworthy. If you believe that God can help you, pray for the right man. Do not expect him to be perfect because you will only be fantasizing. Human beings are not perfect; nevertheless, many do not cheat on their spouses.

      Have you thought about profesional counseling? Even if you are unable to get your parents to consider counseling, you can get it for yourself.

      I wish you well!

    • Levertis Steele profile imageAUTHOR

      Levertis Steele 

      4 years ago from Southern Clime

      Ck,

      You said, "It takes great courage to forgive . . ."

      Yes, it takes courage and love to forgive. To forgive is self-preservation because it truly hurts to harbor unforgiveness. We need to exhale and take care of our mental health.

      Thanks for reading my hub and sharing your story.

    • profile image

      Natalia 

      4 years ago

      Thank you for this article. I am a 23 year old who is still reeling from the effects of my father's infidelity which continues till today. It's a long and complicated story. But as a child who grew up with a cheating father, domestic bliss was and has only remained a dream. I still can't sleep at night and often I suffer from bouts of anxiety- all related to episodes of my mother crying, me throwing a chair at my father when i found out,etc. I am still hurting. Its raw and painful still. But yea. When i date men and start to get to know them, I pull back I think to myself- I like him, but what if he hurts me and my children one day and I shudder. Its all very painful.

    • profile image

      Ckay 

      4 years ago

      Let me share my story:

      I've been in a relationship for two years with my spouse and we're now expecting a baby. The relationship started well, but I was really appalled when my hubby told me "I was an option, not the only one." To cut a long story short, she cheated on me thinking I was naïve ( that's what cheater's think of their spouses). I confronted her and she me told me I neglected her, and that she preferred having male friends than a hubby. In fact, she didn't regret it at first ( cheater's have a puffed up ego). The worst treason of it all is that she wanted us to break up while she had my baby but she never gave any reason, just sulking and snapping at me. Then I found out she was trying to get back with her lover who didn't want anything to do with her. I now find myself in a hard place; am still healing from the first shock, trying to digest the new situation, and preparing myself to be a father.

      Trust is gone, communication has been reduced to fights ( I am still mad!!!). I forgave her, but am not sure if I will love her again and open my heart to her.

      It takes great courage to forgive, but once trust is gone, it can never be restored.

    • profile image

      Ckay 

      4 years ago

      Cheating is the ultimate treason in a relationship. I don't think there is any justification for it.

    • Levertis Steele profile imageAUTHOR

      Levertis Steele 

      4 years ago from Southern Clime

      TC,

      You wrote, "But what is more difficult is forgiving and forgetting especially when the cheating partner is no longer committed to the marriage, and yet doesn't want a divorce. The whole situation is suffocating and unbearable. I also believe that kids get affected iether way, be it to stay in an environment where one partner is constantly hurting and in pain, or living with divorced parents"

      Well said. The hurting partner still has control of his/her life and can make decisions, I hope. If the offended spouse chooses to live with the cheating spouse, he/she should try to "find peace within the storm." What else is there to do considering the decision? Counseling for both is always a reasonable option.

      I appreciate you, TC!

    • Levertis Steele profile imageAUTHOR

      Levertis Steele 

      4 years ago from Southern Clime

      A cheated on MAN - Yes, they exist,

      Apparently you did not read my entire article. This article was not designed to downgrade men as cheaters and pretend that women do not cheat. I know that women cheat whether married, single, old, young, or homosexual. We know that, don't we. Yes!

      Looking back at a few statements in my article:

      "Many second husbands have reported spousal punishment because of the previous husband's errors.” Some women distrust their second husbands and give them a hard time because of the pain of a previous marriage. Of course, this is not fair.

      "Distrust is very common between the spouses when one has cheated." This implies that the cheater could be either sex, not just the man.

      I extracted the following paragraphs from my article to show you that both partners in an adulterous affair are equally responsible if they know that one or both of them are married:

      "Distrust Between Cheaters (subtopic). The cheaters realize later, when the newness of their relationship wears off, that they had no considerations for the feelings and health of the ones whom they love, neither did they consider their own best interests. If the cheaters marry, each may wonder if the other thinks affectionately about their spouses or even wishes to reconcile; and this may cause a tinge of jealousy. Distrust is obvious. Where is the trust between cheaters? This is where blaming each other may occur. Wrong relationships just do not end up right relationships.

      "The cheaters may accuse each other of seduction, lying, and using. They may even separate. The feelings of separation can be devastating even though both parties know that they are doing the right thing. Being alone, feeling the sting and loss resulting from poor decisions, feeling used and cheated of a normal life, and blaming each other, are all feelings that the couple often face after terminating their relationship. Trying to justify reasons to break up someone else’s home is short-lived. The truth has a way of worming its way out of individuals and starring into their eyes. Thus, the cheaters grow to realize that they are each other’s victims. A younger woman, especially, may accuse an older man, whom she may think should have been wiser, of taking advantage of her youth and lack of knowledge of possible consequences. Can they ever completely trust each other considering the damage that they have done to their families? Escalating fears may eventually lead to bad blood between the cheaters."

      I have lots of males in my family, and I am in association with many other males. I am fully aware that some of them have been hurt after discovering that their spouses cheated on them. A near relative is presently in a relationship with a male divorcee who discovered that his ex-wife cheated on him. She is concerned about his problem trusting women, although he is putting forth great effort. How often have I witnessed men in tears because of an unfaithful girlfriend or wife? Many.

      I did not intend to appear sexist. I researched and reported what I read. Reports about adultery often target men because, I believe, they get caught more, they are cited more. Women are usually extremely cautious. Most never get caught. A cheating man will sneak next door at night while his wife sleeps, but a cheating woman will insist on a trip out of town to an unpopular motel while wearing a wig and sunglasses to help hide her identity. So, society, not Levertis, lays a bigger rap on men. They need to wear sunglasses and wigs, too! Just adding humor. I do not condone cheating no matter the sex.

      Thanks for visiting and commenting, A cheated on MAN. I do sympathize with your ordeal. I have been there and dealt with it. I truly wish you well.

    • profile image

      TC 

      4 years ago

      To be in a relationship where one partner cheats is very difficult. No matter what you do to try to make the realationship work as long as there is no commitment from the cheating spouse the whole exercise is futile. As they say a cheater will always cheat again, with the same person or a different one. But what is more difficult is forgiving and forgetting especially when the cheating partner is no longer committed to the marriage, and yet doesn't want a divorce. The whole situation is suffocating and unbearable. I also believe that kids get affected iether way, be it to stay in an environment where one partner is constantly hurting and in pain, or living with divorced parents. I wish that women and men who wreck and distroy the family unity do have some conscience left in them to realise the havoc they create which results in dysfunctional families now and in the future generations. The sad part is that these affairs are not so much about love, but what i will get from you, be it money, cars, flats etc. Big question is what happens when men or women run out of cash. Does it mean the cheater has to go back to the first wife/husband. I don't think so. I suggest that they continue with their journey and destroy themselves.

    • Levertis Steele profile imageAUTHOR

      Levertis Steele 

      4 years ago from Southern Clime

      "Most of my closer hub-friends who have known me for over 2 years, know this sort of "topic" is a perfect wide-open door for my twisted and sarcastic sense of humor."

      I can relate. I have had problems behaving myself when I respond to such topics. I am trying hard to cool it, but it is not easy.

      "As for your Viagra-counting relative. She lacked creativity. You see, there is an over-the counter laxative that very closely resembles Viagra. Need I explain?"

      An explanation is not needed. LOL!

      I appreciate your points, fpherj48. They actually entertain and give one much to think about.

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 

      4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Most of my closer hub-friends who have known me for over 2 years, know this sort of "topic" is a perfect wide-open door for my twisted and sarcastic sense of humor.

      I surely do not make light of your sad tale, but it's obvious you have moved on and have pretty much resolved the hurtful issues. This is good.

      These stories you relate in your comments.....I'm sorry to say, actually crack me up. Some dude has a heart attack during one of his illicit escapades......she gets the hell outta there, and makes an anonymous call (obviously before the days of caller ID). However, even decades ago calls could be traced if need be. Perhaps she was smart enough to use a pay phone.

      Then the wife decided to play Tit-for-tat, because we all know that 2 wrongs make a right. Mr." caught with his pants down," feels the best way to handle this disloyalty is to shoot her, IN THEIR HOME. Nice of him to make sure she was seated comfortably before blowing her brains out. What a guy! He spends "a few years" in prison? Obviously the jury was 12 cheating men, whose wives may have turned the table on them. She deserved to be shot.

      Of course he didn't last long after being released......because prison does not rehabilitate men to keep their pants on. The ole ticker just didn't want to keep up with ole pecker, I guess.

      As for your Viagra-counting relative. She lacked creativity. You see, there is an over-the counter laxative that very closely resembles Viagra. Need I explain?

      And just WHERE am I when these women need me??!

    • Levertis Steele profile imageAUTHOR

      Levertis Steele 

      4 years ago from Southern Clime

      fpherj48,

      I can relate to your points. I learned too late that couples would do well to have the same values and beliefs. If one is moralistic and the other is not, trouble is ahead. People should not marry unequally yoked, and that is not limited to religious concerns. Although I do not approve of open marriages, it is better for two believers to be in that disaster than a person who is monogamous. There are people who want to be married and have the freedom of affairs at the same time because it is their desire. They try to hide this side of their character only for it to be revealed after the marriage. Some people knowingly marry cheaters believing that they have the power or magic to change them. Oh, how wrong they are!

      You wrote, "He'll just die in someone's bed! LOL"

      That happens too often. Some years ago I knew a young woman who revealed that seeing a retired married man at his home after his wife went to work. He had a heart attack while with her. After she struggled to free herself, she hurried out of the house leaving him there. She did anonymously call an ambulance after she reached her house. She did not want to be found with him, so she covered her own back first. Then, he was discovered "with his drawers down." Of course, his wife had to take care of him until he recovered. Later, the wife decided to get even by cheating on him. When he discovered it, he shot her dead. She died in a seated position in their house. He spent a few years in prison and did not last long after regaining his freedom. This was a classic case of "can dish it out but can't take it." The girl was using him for gifts and money. Playing older men with means was her profession. The couple met tragedy, but she moved on to another midlife crisis victim.

      How about a relative's husband who had to resort to using Viagra, and every now and then she would count them—she told me—and discover two or three missing. Can you believe the nerve of that Viagra mogul? Today, he can only sit and look, but he enjoys looking at ladies and dreaming old dreams. I do not think that there is a cure for that type. LOL!

      Thanks, fpherj48, for visiting and leaving your points!

    • Levertis Steele profile imageAUTHOR

      Levertis Steele 

      4 years ago from Southern Clime

      bschmidt,

      I am so sorry that you had to endure this ordeal, but I am happy that your marriage is recovering and you are willing to try again. As much as I hate infidelity, I also hate to see marriages fail.

      You are wise to seek as much information as possible to help pull you and your wife through this difficult time in your life.

      It seems to be a hard matter for partners in infidelity to realize that their unfaithful partner could very well be unfaithful to them. It is normal for a person to believe the words of the person he/she loves. When they discover that their married lover is unfaithful, that blind love begins to disappear.

      I wish you and your wife well on the road to recovery!

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 

      4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Ah yes... the old iron-skillet-on-the-head-event. OUCH! Violence always makes things worse....but out of control emotions don't allow for some humans to stop and think. I mean, really....just listen to or read the daily news about domestic violence/abuse/murder...etc.

      My opinion is probably not relevant to anyone....but honestly.....after 40 years, who can possibly give a hoot? How long is the poor old bastard gonna play around? He'll just die in someone's bed! LOL.

      Sorry....but I had to say it. I have to believe if I'd have had one husband for 40 years and suspected he was cheating.....I'd pack him a lunch, buy him some viagra.....and tell him to knock his stupid ass off!

      I'm too damned tired to fight with anyone over BS!

    • bschmidt profile image

      bschmidt 

      4 years ago

      Levertis Steele - great hub!! You really hit all the high notes.

      As sad as this is to say my marriage is currently recovering from an affair by my wife.

      There is so much information out there to help guide me though this time. I find that reading as many different sources as possible from all specialties (therapists, counsellors, physicians, psychologist, sociologist, etc) help to mold a consistent picture of what to expect, and what path to follow.

      Personally, the ball is not always in the betrayed's court when it comes to reconciliation. I could want to reconcile until i'm blue in the face, but if my wife doesn't want to - there isn't much that I can do. Once reconciliation is in the picture and the goal it is in my opinion that the majority of the work has to be done by the betrayer. In my case - my wife.

      It's been difficult at times being patient as the fog of fantasy cleared - she thought so highly of the affair partner - only to find out that he cheated on his now ex-wife which was the cause of their divorce, he ultimately got her fired from her job, and only used her for her body.

      It's a tough pill for her to swallow. She's written a no contact letter and is doing all that she can to help me heal and to be worthy of the forgiveness that I have given her. It's a long road to live a life of integrity, honesty, truthfulness, and fidelity - especially after falling so far from grace.

    • Levertis Steele profile imageAUTHOR

      Levertis Steele 

      4 years ago from Southern Clime

      fpherj48,

      I was watching one, of course! But I learned the hard way to stay out of others' affairs. Telling someone that her spouse is cheating does not always turn out the way we want. A certain woman's husband was cheating with my next-door neighbor. I could not solve her problems, although I was sympathetic. Sometimes, the victim will turn on the informant. To make matters worse, the cheating husband will, too. That is when everything gets messy.

      A friend of the family had been cheating for years when his wife finally got fed up and almost killed him with an iron skillet. While he was being treated at a hospital for a period of time, she packed up and left permanently. I was sorry that their problem led to a skillet fight, but friends said that she had to defend herself when an argument led to a struggle. They had been married for over forty years. He was not going anywhere, but he was a bad boy who thought that she would always be with him regardless of his infidelities. Yes, the victim is the one who often walks away.

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 

      4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Hmmmm......Interesting. However, I would then have to ask...."If everyone was watching YOUR husband.....WHO was watching THEIRS?"

    • Levertis Steele profile imageAUTHOR

      Levertis Steele 

      4 years ago from Southern Clime

      When outsiders say, "I do not know why she stays with him," they may know more about the husbands activities than the wife does. Also, like my own situation, I chose to remain with my husband because my children were young and pleaded with me. They wanted to live with both parents. My husband was not physically abusive, so I reasoned that I could make the sacrifice for them.

      Thanks again, fpherj48. I appreciate the visits.

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 

      4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      You are quite welcome. I can understand your situation and the decisions you made. They were yours to make and not for anyone else to judge. A time does come when a painful choice needs to be made.....which requires not only strength, but varying periods of time for each individual. How often do we hear...."I do not understand WHY she stays with him?" Well, to that I say, "It is not for US to understand because frankly, it's not our business, our marriage, life or decision."

      There are many people who do not make impulsive, knee-jerk reactions. Women, especially can take a very long time and maintain "hope" and wait it out, so to speak. There is no right or wrong.....but there is what is best or worse, for any one individual.

      In my personal situation, I had no regrets, very little sadness and no time to be "lonely"......because I knew in my heart, I had said and done all I could have humanly done to come to terms with all of it. Sounds like this is what you ultimately did, as well.

      Further...I do not hate him. I can't even begin to imagine having hatred or bitterness toward someone I share 2 incredible sons with.

      You have yielded some very interesting feed back to your hub.

    • Levertis Steele profile imageAUTHOR

      Levertis Steele 

      4 years ago from Southern Clime

      fpherj48,

      You wrote,

      "I have commented once here and I stand firm in that comment"

      and

      "THIS IS THE SERIOUSLY VITAL PART: The victim rarely, if ever, chooses to forgive and go forward with their partner & current life...based on SAVING THE MARRIAGE. Marriage is a contract, a partnership, a symbol, a license, an institution. The salvation of that marriage depends (and rightly SHOULD) upon the love/attachment/devotion toward the person you are forgiving. A victim, in reality has but ONE question to answer within her/his self....."Do I love/want/need/care......strongly enough about my husband/wife....to understand, forgive, hang on and maintain our life together?"

      By all means, stand your ground. I agree with you 101%! True love does bring about forgiveness. I did it for well over 30 years. That was a long time to suffer infidelity! I had to love myself. Also, the victim often is the one to walk away as you said. I mentioned that same thought in one of my related hubs. I tried to prove that husbands who married their mistresses mostly did it after their wives, the victim, walked out of the marriage. Yes, the victim is often the one who ends the marriage.

      Leaving a spouse does not always mean that the victim does not love him/her. I admire those who found a way to fall out of love with an incessant cheater. Then, the pain is not so great when the victim is alone, depressed, and trying to cope with the effects of the breakup. I was not so lucky. I loved my husband dearly, but could no longer take the abuse.

      Thanks, fpherj48, for adding this very useful piece to our discussion!

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 

      4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      I have commented once here and I stand firm in that comment......I was on the listening/intervening side of hundreds of troubled marriages, for many years...(an invaluable education/awakening, to say the least)

      If this of any interest to anyone.....I can confidently sum up the "most common results/reactions" to this issue....proven time and time again by couples from every walk of life. Man or woman.

      Whether or not a marriage/relationship TRULY survives (not simply what it LOOKS LIKE to the public).....is a simple matter that depends upon the victim/devastated party. Please understand. If the unfaithful partner fesses up, has remorse and wants to be forgiven and make amends.....the ball, so to speak is then in the victim's court.

      Therefore, my friends.....the victim is in the position of deciding whether or not the "marriage" survives.

      THIS IS THE SERIOUSLY VITAL PART: The victim rarely, if ever, chooses to forgive and go forward with their partner & current life...based on SAVING THE MARRIAGE. Marriage is a contract, a partnership, a symbol, a license, an institution. The salvation of that marriage depends (and rightly SHOULD) upon the love/attachment/devotion toward the person you are forgiving. A victim, in reality has but ONE question to answer within her/his self....."Do I love/want/need/care......strongly enough about my husband/wife....to understand, forgive, hang on and maintain our life together?

      Please stop and THINK about what you just read.

      I can in all honesty and confidence, state beyond all doubt......had my first husband (undeniable LOVE of my Life, whom I lost to death) been unfaithful....I'd have taken approximately 2 seconds to forgive him and hang on for dear life. My 2nd husband, years later, whom I did love, in a different way....was unfortunately a "serial cheater".....I forgave him once, twice, three times.....and then, needless to say, I fell out of any kind of LOVE for him and ended the marriage. NOT because I didn't appreciate being MARRIED....but because he no longer meant a thing to me...............There you have it.

      Proceed with this very interesting discussion..:)

    • Levertis Steele profile imageAUTHOR

      Levertis Steele 

      4 years ago from Southern Clime

      Nell,

      A quick true story: A man was found guilty of shooting his girlfriend's husband. When the judge asked him why he chose to date a married woman, he replied gruffly, "It's not my fault that she was married!" :)

      You wrote, "nobody is trustworthy, especially the ones who look innocent, and that's the trouble. we buy the 'book' (marriage) think we

      know the script (personality) but actually we only ever know the book cover!

      Yes, indeed! So true.

      Thanks, Nell, for adding this rare piece to our discussion.

    • Nell Rose profile image

      Nell Rose 

      4 years ago from England

      Hi, my marriage was a complete fallacy! he was doing his own thing, long story, and I was cheating like there was no tomorrow and guys were going out of fashion! we both trusted each other, but in a dull 'course he wouldn't do that sort of way'! nobody is trustworthy, especially the ones who look innocent, and that's the trouble. we buy the 'book' (marriage) think we know the script (personality) but actually we only ever know the book cover! interesting stuff, nell

    • Levertis Steele profile imageAUTHOR

      Levertis Steele 

      4 years ago from Southern Clime

      We cannot always be a "fly on the wall" or a mind reader, but cheaters who get married often carry secret guilt in their hearts. I have heard individuals say that they regret the way they treated a former spouse, or that they deserved to have been kicked out by a former spouse. Those kinds of statements are admissions of guilt. Some cheaters are too prideful to verbalize their guilt, but they think about it, some to the point that they leave the marriage never telling the girlfriend they married that they could not live with the guilt of hurting the former spouse and their children.

      I want to add that ex-cheaters who have developed more wisdom should be smart enough to ask for forgiveness, if possible, and forgive themselves as well. It is not good to haul around guilt "forever." Every soul can be cleansed as long as it is breathing. How can we expect, or deserve, to be forgiven if we are not capable of forgiving? Truly forgiving someone brings about so much psychological cleansing and peace of mind that a body wonders why he/she did not discover this stage of the healing process sooner. Too many people hurt for long years after leaving a cheating spouse. That is self-punishment and quite destructive if it continues for years. If an injured spouse does not forgive you, and your heart is truly contrite, you are clean and can move on without feeling guilty. Just make every effort not to do it anymore. You are only human. This previous statement is not to be taken as an excuse to carelessly hurt others. Well wishes!

      A point that I have tried to make:

      Cheaters seldom marry the person that they were secretly dating when their marriage failed. They often move on to someone else who does not remind them of their infidelities during the failed marriage. We must remember that all cheaters are not in love with their girlfriends. Most married men are in it for "extra servings," "variety," "easy prey," "unbelievable opportunity." These are some of the reasons men have given.

      Have you ever listened to men in conversation when they did not know that you were listening? Believe me, there are times when eavesdropping is legitimate! This is what I have heard:

      "Man, you would not believe who laid me last night. Yes, Mrs. Perfect, Prim, and Pretty!"

      "It took a while, but I finally got it!"

      "We were at work, but guess who was locked in the office with me for thirty minutes!"

      I do not know it all, but I am not bashful about talking to people and asking them questions about my subject. I try to choose my contacts, timing, and atmosphere carefully. Men do not like to tell "men's secrets," but if they are mellow, or even trustful, they sometimes spill their guts. (I must add that it is so wrong to coax a person to drink. If they get mellow, do not be the cause.) Women are more secretive than men, but if they trust you and feel comfortable, they will talk much more than men.

      We should never use such information we get from a person, man or woman, to expose or hurt them unless a crime is involved. Let it be for nameless research only! That was part of my mission. I used personal and written sources.

    • Levertis Steele profile imageAUTHOR

      Levertis Steele 

      4 years ago from Southern Clime

      Ll,

      According to my research and many others' I have read, cheaters seldom marry each other. More people cheat than we can ever see. They are counted, too. Surveys are usually discrete, so, cheaters who are not discovered often trust their secrets to questionnaires. Most cheaters report that they were never found out. The cheaters that we all know about were found out! Some of them married their co-cheaters, and a minority of these marriages survived. If we could see all cheaters, even the ones who married each other, we would understand why the ones who marry and stay married are a minority. It is frightening to think about, but more people really do cheat than we can see. Yes, women cheaters are on the rise. Some women say it is because men won’t let up. I did not research that—just saying what “some say.” Some researchers find that women cheaters were always higher than society thought, but they were reported to have been more careful than men. I do believe the latter. Still, it is debatable.

      I appreciate your visit and thoughts, Ll!

    • profile image

      LI 

      4 years ago

      I love your article, I had suffered the consequences of adultery, my ex cheated on my with another married woman. Two families destroyed. It is hard for me to understand how people that damage others are happy, please tell me. I hope to be wrong . In your researchers which is the rate of success of cheater's marriages with their mistresses. Why I do this question? because around me I have found ALL cheaters married with their mistresses with long marriages.

    • Levertis Steele profile imageAUTHOR

      Levertis Steele 

      4 years ago from Southern Clime

      "It makes me feel sad and quite frankly somewhat worthless when I think that my husband did not consider the emotional wounds he inflicted on me and our four children."

      I hope you no longer punish yourself with the feeling of worthlessness bcasuse you are certainly priceless!

      Yes, forgiveness is good medicine for the hurting soul. Cheers!

    • profile image

      Heidi 

      4 years ago

      I am also someone who has been deeply hurt by adultery. You could call me a victim ,but as my Ex uses this term in an aggressive and derrogatory manner, it's not one I like to use. I found this hub fascinating, giving me food for thought, as well as confirming many of my personal experiences, especially those about how infidelity breaks up families and relationships with friends and extended family relatives. But I guess the cheaters only think of themselves. It makes me feel sad and quite frankly somewhat worthless when I think that my husband did not consider the emotional wounds he inflicted on me and our four children. However, your comments and those of others contributers have made me realize that he will also in the long-term not live comfortably with his guilt. Also the comment that the cheater is often not willing to admit their feelings of guilt was interesting as my ex assures me that his cheating was my fault and that he suppresses any guilty feelings quite easily when he pays child support!

      Cheating, infidelity,adultery,whatever you want to call it really does hurt all of society. Instead of focussing on love and support and creating a better place for us all to live and thrive in, cheating and divorce means that many of society's best brains are being wasted in legal wranglings over possessions and custody issues.

      We are fascinated by infidelity in movies or among the stars of show business as long as it doesn't affect us and we can watch from afar. Only when it affects us personally, do we realize just how painful this is.

      My ex-husband's affair partner also left her husband, and this seems to be cementing their relationship as they realize they only have each other. I hope that karma will reveal itself one day and that their feelings of guilt might lead them to split up. It would help me to forgive and I would be more prepared to deal with any future partner of his more readily than with the woman who so nonchalantly helped my ex husband to break me emotionally and who deprived my kids of spending time with their father everyday.

    • Levertis Steele profile imageAUTHOR

      Levertis Steele 

      4 years ago from Southern Clime

      Divine,

      My intention is not to prove you wrong. You are 100% correct. I have used "infidelity" and "cheating" interchangeably in this and my related hub. "Cheating" is a synonym of "infidelity." Notice the ads at the top and bottom of my hubs. Notice the related search topics. They have the word "cheating" in them. A hubber is usually writing to make money. To do that we must attract or select ads related to our hubs in hopes that viewers will click on them and make purchases. We must satisfy the warm bodies behind the ads. "Cheating" is accepted in HubPages. The ads prove that. Within 2,000 miles circumference of my world, "cheating" is very commonly used to refer to "infidelity," although the latter is more formal and specific as you said.

    • profile image

      divine 

      4 years ago

      "Infidelity" is a more specific term than "cheating". "Cheating" can apply to many circumstances, as you indicate. "Adultery" is perhaps the most accurate in terms of your article. Just not sure why people call it 'cheating' when it is not a test or a game. But perhaps some people do approach it like a game and find it thrilling to get away with 'cheating', as you mention. Take care.

    • Levertis Steele profile imageAUTHOR

      Levertis Steele 

      4 years ago from Southern Clime

      Divine,

      It is not always simple to come to agreement on appropriate terms for some topics since words often have different connotations and denotations. "Cheater" is certainly one of those words.

      You said, "...brings to mind growing up and being ever mindful for anyone cheating in a game...Marriage is not a game to me, and so the label 'cheater' seems inappropriate. peace out."

      Your meaning is one of the many definitions of the word. My meaning was not the same as a "game" cheater. People cheat on tests, and that is no game, but a serious error. Because the HubPages reading audience is a vast one with many vocabulary levels, many languages; and many of those using English here do it with difficulty since English may not be their primary language. So, I try to use some common words that more people may understand. "Cheating" is commonly used to refer to most acts of adultery. Even though we try, it is impossible to meet the approval everyone with our choices. My intention was not to insult anyone but to address an issue that is universal.

      You are right that marriage is not a game, but are all married people mature enough to treat it like it is not a game? Many married people do play their marriage like a game. I have heard some say that they enjoy the thrill of taking chances on getting caught, and when they do not, they feel like winners. I think that "cheater" is much kinder than "infidel." The latter sounds devilish. Notice that I did not use the MOST common words often hear and read in similar discussions: "hoe," "slut," "whoremonger," "dog," etc. Doesn't that count for something positive?

      Thanks, Divine, for returning and leaving your thoughts.

    • profile image

      divine 

      4 years ago

      Thank you, appreciate the response and your insights.

      I think I was responding overall mainly with how you use the word 'Cheaters' to label married people. Yes, 'cheating' can indicate dishonesty and low moral character, but the overall term is problematic for me.

      Calling people 'cheaters' brings to mind the reality tv show where they were busting people in the act.

      My guess is that you are mainly concerned with infidelity, and the word 'cheating' seems to diminish and trivialize the topic imho. It also has an immature ring to it...brings to mind growing up and being ever mindful for anyone cheating in a game...Marriage is not a game to me, and so the label 'cheater' seems inappropriate. peace out.

    • Levertis Steele profile imageAUTHOR

      Levertis Steele 

      4 years ago from Southern Clime

      "This article is trying too hard, I find a lot of it insulting."

      Divine, do not take the contents of my article personally. It was not designed to attack anyone but to share research findings and give guests a chance to voice. The article's contents are based on research, but my comments are mine. This article and my comments are certainly not designed to judge. My experiences, observations of others, and interviews with people are truthful. It was my decision to share, and I did not expect to meet everyone's approval of how I handled it. I told the truth. My errors could be someone's opportunity to learn. I never professed to be perfect in my dealings. Experiences, opinions, and beliefs differ, and those are facts of life. Because we are separate human beings, we do not all handle situations the same way. How can I tell you to be cool, sensible, and mature if your spouse cheats on you and give you syphilis? How can I tell you to sit down with your spouse and talk it out when I do not know your situation? Suppose you just caught him/her in bed with another? Are you supposed to be cool and calm about it? Can I tell you how angry not to get? You have a right to express your emotions. You have a right to grieve. Actually, emotion letting is a step toward healing. Many people who "go off" to the point of committing a violent crime are often those who keep their emotions pent up. Vent if it helps! Letting off steam can be therapeutic. Punch pillows if you must. We are not all prim and proper and ready with a strong mind to face anything that hurts us. If we were all the same, we would be bored to death.

      Some of us do not like a lot of drama when it comes to relationship problems that affect us, but we surely enjoy watching it on TV, at the movies, or reading about it in a novel. Sometimes a good fight with all the dramatic works makes us enjoy the show more. What was the title of the last action-packed movie you watched? Another hub could be about how to properly handle marital infidelities, but this one mostly deals with infidelities, consequences, and truth. Your comment could very well have been the start of a new hub!

      Here, we are talking about experiences, being human, not perfect. We know that we are not perfect, and we certainly have made many mistakes, if not cheating. These are experiences, and there is not anything we can do about them after the fact. They happened. We can only share and learn from them.

      Some people, men and women, discover infidelities when they test HIV positive or when they discover that they are not the father, or the husband has three outside children, etc. It is easy to tell others how to behave when life deals them sour lemons, but would we behave decently and orderly if the worst happens to us? We never know until it happens.

      Again, I would not have you allow this hub to control your emotions. You gave a lot of good advice about how to deal with the pain of cheating. Now, I want you to use the strength I saw in your advice to curb your feelings of being insulted. I am curious to know why you were insulted about what is truth for some.

      In my article I tried to create awareness of other victims often overlooked--children, for example. I also tried to help each cheater to feel self worth. Yes, people will always cheat, and people will also always kill; but do we stop trying to help people to make better choices when their own choices hurt others? Indeed, we all have a right to choose, but we do not have a right to hurt others.

      You said, "When do you think Americans will get past their puritanical addiction to unrealistic marriages? And the need to punish and degrade those who have desperate affairs when they find themselves imprisoned in loveless marriages...marriage is a contract to love and cherish one another...how loving is it when people treat each other like property? You can't own another person or force them to love you. Marriage isn't a license to become fat and lazy physically, mentally or emotionally."

      Don't be too hasty to stereotype Americans. People are people all over the world. Surely you know that all failing relationships due to cheating are not for this reason. Of course, some are. Many cheaters have admitted to having cheated for no good reasons. Most cheaters try hard to keep their spouses after being caught. If the marriages are all loveless, getting caught and dumped would be a great time to get out of them, not plead for a reconciliation. Most cheaters caught do not wish to leave their spouses because they have no good reason to cheat. Cheaters who are not satisfied with their spouses and see no way to help the marriage need to file for a divorce, not creep around and make matters worse.

      You also said, "But when it does happen, the test of character really comes out, and in this article itself, it is revealing of the author...would you want to be married to someone with such draconian views on right and wrong?"

      Don't be too hasty to judge me. You are right that "the test of character really comes out," but it comes out for both the offender and the offended. Cheating does not exemplify good character either. My spouse admitted wrong and apologized. He said he had no excusable reasons for cheating. I eventually forgave him. I did not try to make him stay with me. I left him, but he followed me and we eventually reconciled. I still loved him.

      A woman or man does not have to go around blabbing about their spouses’ infidelities because everyone else usually finds out about it early, and the spouse is often the last to know. You know the story. A certain friend said to me, “I can’t believe that you did not know. He was so bold.” I went back to my husband, but my family members did not approve. The gossip was already out there before I discovered it. We have to remember that each relationship is individual. They cannot all be measured by the same tape.

      Thanks for your comment, Divine! You really asserted yourself with strong points. A little angry, but I like your style. You, also, feel that you are right about what you have said, and I do not grudge you your opinions, nor do I take them personally. I do appreciate all my readers, your visit, and contribution.

    • profile image

      divine 

      4 years ago

      This article is trying too hard, I find a lot of it insulting. Obviously cheating is a very difficult aspect of marriage, and very few spouses set out to be cheaters. But when it does happen, the test of character really comes out, and in this article itself, it is revealing of the author...would you want to be married to someone with such draconian views on right and wrong? Yes, you can leave a spouse if they cheat, by all means it's perfectly justifiable. But how a person deals with it says a lot about them. For example, when a spouse first learns that they've been cheated on, do they 1) go out and tell everyone they know and mercilessly punish the offender, 2) deal directly with the offending spouse in a mature fashion, and work it out amongst themselves. In other words, do they react like a child or do they deal with it as an adult? Too many people having adult temper tantrums, and yet we drug our children for acting out...

      When do you think Americans will get past their puritanical addiction to unrealistic marriages? And the need to punish and degrade those who have desperate affairs when they find themselves imprisoned in loveless marriages...marriage is a contract to love and cherish one another...how loving is it when people treat each other like property? You can't own another person or force them to love you. Marriage isn't a license to become fat and lazy physically, mentally or emotionally.

      Marriage Porn seems to consist of deeply unhappy and self-righteous people who set up everyone else to fail in society's eyes with their draconian rules and bizarre customs that have evolved out of what used to be a way of ensuring that children are raised well, and the propagation of a family line. Are the children being raised well?

      I'm all for marriages between two consenting adults. And it's up to them to treat their marriage however they wish to. It's none of my business to judge them or be judged by them. While Europe may have unsavory practices, at least they don't freak out over sexual matters. They make room for friends with benefits, which is not something Americans can handle yet...but with the divorce rate so high, maybe it's time to accept that not everyone will have sex with the same person for the rest of their lives, even though they really meant to. Why do we continue to pressure marriages to fail in this country? What is the point? For some reason it reminds me of the "Hunger Games", only it's the "Marriage Games".

      I suppose we enjoy watching people fail in this country. I personally don't, I think it weakens us as a society to be entertained by the downfall of others. Of course the lawyers love unhappy marriages as they can profit handsomely from it.

      The 'black & white' approach to marriage, all or nothing, is an outcropping of the alcoholics - who are well known for producing that type of thinking. There's a difference between upholding standards and morals, and being a hypocrite: slandering others for their weaknesses or judging them harshly while thinking you're perfect because you force yourself to stay in a miserable marriage.. only people who are unhappy go out of their way to judge others harshly.

      Slowly we are hopefully getting away from our primitive roots and will eventually opt for a more compassionate and realistic approach to marriage as with all other types of unions and contracts.

      I am not saying that it's okay to cheat or have affairs, but it does happen and will continue to happen. It's up to us to find ways to deal with it more gracefully and not like teenage drama queens and the selfish prima donas that seem to make the news a lot. Maybe when the media begins to celebrate those who add value and beauty to this world, and when we as a society begin to demand healthier media output, we'll see positive change instead of celebrating the misfortunes of others by imposing punishing laws, rules and judgmental attitudes.

    • Levertis Steele profile imageAUTHOR

      Levertis Steele 

      4 years ago from Southern Clime

      Whooo!! I just love your way of laying your thoughts down, fjherj48! You wake a body up and make it think nervously.

      "Can there be even ONE, adult human being in this Universe, who has ever had a relationship, who has not ALSO, at some time, in some way, been betrayed by a person they love?"

      Of course, there are people who have never been betrayed by a loved one! They have not been betrayed because the loved one died or became a vegetable soon after falling in love. No, seriously, I do believe that there are people, even couples, who have not betrayed each other with cheating. I have never cheated on my husband because I only desireed one man at any time. He has cheated on me more than one time. We are older and quieter now. I never dated more than one man at a time. That was never a sacrifice of love inside of me bursting at the seams. I just have always taken relationships slowly and never cared for drama and complications. I am a normal, country woman that a fast man would find boring. I love myself and life. Yes, faithful individuals are very, very present, but unfaithful ones are scattered all over, too.

      I cannot be as casual about cheating simply because so many have cheated since the dawn of man. If we do not advocate for morals in relationships and marriage, we will succumb to paving the way for young people to become more and more immoral in every generation. That is happening already. We cannot take on that "Oh, well, everybody's doing it" attitude because it only leads to devastation.

      People are robbing, committing arson, indulging in child porn and abuse, and other societal ills, but most of us would do what we can to stop it. I suppose we all choose the wrongs that we wish to ignore. I believe in the power that good marriage relationships and family can have in order to be the foundation of good communities. If we ignore those things that are tearing down the family, we are ignoring the betterment of our whole world. Good people make a good world. To make a plant grow, we must put the root in the soil. The root of society is marriage and family.

      This hub was written to help create awareness of the devastation of cheating and to help those indulging to see the pain that they are causing their families and others. They hurt themselves, but often do not feel it until the damage is done and the cheap thrill is over. We want them to know that they are important and worthy of better choices.

      Thanks, fpherj48, for coming by and leaving such thought-provoking comments!

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 

      4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Can there be even ONE, adult human being in this Universe, who has ever had a relationship, who has not ALSO, at some time, in some way, been betrayed by a person they love?

      Before you jump quickly to speak up......if you believe YOU have never been cheated on, ever, by anyone you had a relationship with......do something very honest and realistic...........Think again.

      At this point in my life......I can't even justify spending time, emotion and/or energy......to think about, worry about or discuss the age-old vice of "CHEATING." I finally see it as discussing sunrise and sunset.......What's to talk about? It just IS. Sorry if I sound jaded or cynical. What I am, friends, is aware and awake. It may hurt like hell, but it is what it is.............Peace.

    • Levertis Steele profile imageAUTHOR

      Levertis Steele 

      4 years ago from Southern Clime

      Thanks for reading and sharing, Tammy!

    • tammyswallow profile image

      Tammy 

      4 years ago from North Carolina

      Sharing this excellent hub!

    • Levertis Steele profile imageAUTHOR

      Levertis Steele 

      4 years ago from Southern Clime

      Au fait, I could not agree with you and my other commentators more. Cheatig is a selfish, destructive act.

      "The biggest sin (IMHO) is hurting someone's heart recklessly and without cause."

      So true.

      Thanks for your points!

    • Au fait profile image

      C E Clark 

      4 years ago from North Texas

      Have to agree with some of your other commenters here, that a person doesn't cheat on their spouse out of love for their spouse. They do it out of selfishness and worse.

      I really think cheating hurts a marriage even if the person who is cheated on never finds out. Disloyalty and infidelity break the marriage bond even if only one person knows that has happened. Things in the marriage are never the same again, trust is never the same again.

      The biggest sin (IMHO) is hurting someone's heart recklessly and without cause.

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