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Should You Keep Dating Someone Who's Too Busy?

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Veronica is an online writer from New York who enjoys sharing relationship advice.

If you're thinking of breaking up with your partner because they're too busy, here are a few things you should consider.

If you're thinking of breaking up with your partner because they're too busy, here are a few things you should consider.

Is a Busy Schedule a Deal-Breaker in Your Relationship?

Let's say you and your ex split because of their busy schedule and your inability to deal with it. Six months later, you still love each other. Should you try dating again?

We'll assume that their "busy schedule" does not mean their spouse—perhaps it's work, hobbies, kids, charity work, religious commitments, season tickets, or friends.

Here's what you have to consider. When it comes to relationships, there are two types of people: those who get into a serious relationship when the time is right, and those who get into a serious relationship when the person is right.

People Who Get Serious When the Time Is Right

If it is the right time for them, they'll make it work. They'll fight to fit you into their busy schedule. They'll rearranged their priorities. If someone wants the relationship to work, the "too busy" excuse will be non-existent. Otherwise, it's clear that this is not the right time for this person to get into a relationship.

Maybe your inability to deal with their busy schedule was a factor. This leads us to the other type of person in the dating world.

People Who Get Serious When the Person Is Right

If this is the right person, being busy wouldn't be a deal-breaker for you. Imagine—could you really think that you'd found the One—someone who feels exactly the same way about you—but since they have a hectic life, it's not worth it for you to be with them? Would you rather be alone all the time than with the person you really love some of the time?

So, how do you know when you've met the One? It's when you stop thinking about yourself first. And I don't mean the little things—I don't mean going to their favorite restaurant instead of yours, or sitting through Scarface for the 10th time, or cleaning the bathroom, or going out of your way to stop and get Mallomars for them.

I mean the big things. The things that make a difference: real compromise, real sacrifice. Real moments where you think about what's best for them, and what they would want. And you must be willing to actually put their real needs before yours (at least half of the time): Living in the city where they work instead of in the countryside where you'd prefer to be. Not having any more cats because they're allergic. Not spending Christmas with your family for the first time in your life because it's their turn that you both spend Christmas with their family. Spending Saturday nights on your own because of their poker night/season tickets/job/karate class.

Don't get me wrong. Each of those compromises has a counterpart, like getting the condo that overlooks the park you like, instead of the studio in Soho they'd prefer. Getting a cockapoo, even though they don't really want one. Them staying alone on Friday night because of your poker night/martini club/kickboxing class. Taking a vacation in Paris with you instead of in Cooperstown with their siblings. Letting you use their Bed-in-a-Bag as drop-cloths while you repaint the kitchen.

There is a balance, a sense of give-and-take. But I can assure you, you shouldn't sacrifice the right person because of their schedule. If they're the right person for you, their busy schedule will never be factor. I guarantee it.

What's the Root of the Problem?

It's possible that it's the other way around: maybe you're the one who isn't ready. Maybe they were, and they tried to compromise, you just weren't ready to make the kind of commitment it takes to have a real, long-lasting, adult relationship.

There is nothing wrong with not being ready. Putting yourself, your growth, and your needs first is an honorable stage in all of our lives.

I remember my first apartment without roommates. I had three railroad rooms in Jersey, about 30 minutes from Manhattan by car, shorter by train. I called it my "Mary Tyler Moore" apartment. I was independent and on my own. I was focused on my writing, my career, and my friends. Even my hobbies and interests were primary focal points. I dated often. But I knew I wasn't ready for a relationship. I was nowhere near the point in my life to compromise. I was not a willing partner. I was not a team player. I was just me back then. And it was a vital and important time in my development. I learned a lot about myself. I became who I am.

Read More From Pairedlife

I'm the first to tell anyone, you can't skate in doubles until you can skate on your own. I think it's important to become you, the person. I don't see how you can become you, the partner until you have mastered being you on your own.

Think About What Kind of Relationship You Want

Consider this: If they're busy, that means that they have the ability to fill their life with things that aren't you. Your inability to do the same may be a turn-off. They may think that you're demanding to spend more time together than they are willing to spend. They might see you as needy and dependent. Apparently, they don't want that.

Some relationships are super co-dependent. Maybe that's the kind of thing you're looking for. However, that may not be the situation they're attracted to. They'd be better suited with someone who has their own life, strong and independent. You'd be better suited with someone who is less independent.

My grandparents did everything together—from taking out the garbage to grocery shopping. It's sweet and romantic, and maybe you're like that. I can see the wonder in that.

Personally, however, I'd have to say—yuck! I'd be suffocating and screaming. "Get a life and get off of me!" I don't mean that as a dis. Everyone has their preferences. If you would rather not to be with someone because they are too busy, you may do better looking to a different kind of partner.


GINNIE MONTOYA from USA on April 08, 2012:

I met this guy thru a common friend we started exchanging texts and chat for a while. I felt that He was a God sent to me because of his words are too good to be true, to concern, to loving and finally I met him in their church that's when the time i confirmed that this is the man of my dreams. After the meeting, he asked me if God will give us the chance to have a relationship if i will accept it I had told him I liked him and i have no issue with it except that we should be focus on our God be at our center..days passed his text message became less and less i will be fortunate if i receive one (that's bcoz i texted him first) when i called him after few days he mentioned hi's gone part i was too worried. I beg him if i could meet him up in his house for a visit which he agreed and later cancelled the plan due to his work load. I felt devastated..when i confronted him (by phone) he told me there were issues that he needs to deal with himself mainly his lack of time and he was pursuing God wisdom regarding the relationship, He stated that once he gained the wisdom asked from God He will be the one to come to me so I should refrain doing anything to chase him far till now i am sending him sms to see how's things with him you know those little things that will show that I am still here eventhough..well things are very much different from the start..what should i do now? I don't want to push things myself up anymore bcoz i don't want to end up in a messy situation..however my heart dictates me to wait and be patience with surprised also that my trust with this man is 101% nevertheless though I hardly know him..can you please give me an advice? Thanks..

allornothing7 on January 24, 2012:


I am new to this sight and loving it already. I have been looking for a place to vent and get outsiders perspective on my relationship woes. So I have known my man for a year now. We met in a club on the night of my birthday when I was very intoxicated. I have great girlfriends lol. So I met this guy, I'll call him frank. Apparently we had a great conversation and he was very attracted to me we even did some freaking on the dancefloor. The way he describes this night is something special, for me it was a good time with my friends and I was doing what I do being young single and free. Flirt with men and if they are worthy give them my #. So he ends up texting me and calling me in a couple days. He wants to get together, which is fine but I was currently dating a different guy every week, sometimes more than one. So for me blowing off one guy i met while I was drunk in a bar was nothing. We end up making plans, but being the player I was, I stood him up. I said something happened i'm sorry can we reschedule. bla bla bla. We lived about a half an hour away at the time. Anytime he was on my side of town I would get a text from him and we would talk but still nothing came of us. Until this past holiday season. This was the first time I showed him any real attention and we would talk until wee hours of the morning just getting to know eachother. I was like "WOW" this guy really has true potential and seems very legit in his interest in me. And each day that would go on we would grow closer. Mind you he was in a different state with his family during this holiday season, so the idea of meeting up, really for the "first non intoxicated time" would be in a months time. I was excited! He gave me a date, the 19th a thursday, that he would be home and he said quote "it will be the best day of your life" in regards to our first date. Well the 19th came and when he landed he told me he was very behind at work and stressed out. He couldn't believe how behind he was, so we might have to get together later that weekend he would let me know. Well 9pm rolls around and I decided to get ahold of him. If today wouldn't work when will. We ended up getting in an argument because I felt he gave me his word and I was really bummed he didn't make time for us. I even offered to come to him. I just wanted to see this man I have grown to care about over the past month. He said he needed to stay focused and I was being impractical for wanting to come see him, even if it was just for 5 minutes. So I called my girl up and made plans with her.

The 20th and 21st passed Friday and Saturday he is a surgeon so he was doing surgeries both days which I understand. Then comes Sunday the last day of the weekend. At this point I am getting extremely inpatient. I just want to spend time with this man I have grown to have feelings for. I want to know if this is real. The last time I saw him was drunk in a bar. I end up calling him about 5pm he answers says he will call me back he's on the phone. He calls back He is telling me some information about this company he is starting. So besides being a surgeon he is starting a company in which he has invested $100,000 into. So this is kind of his baby. I ask him "ok so are we going to see each other today?" He replies "no". I start crying. He explains to me that he has to fly to Boston tonight and tomorrow he has a meeting with a potential investor. He tells me he is working his ass of now because he doesn't want to be working a 60 and he believes in providing for his wife and kids one day. He is sorry I am upset but he will make it up to me. I tell him I am just confused. His words don't add up to his actions. And I realize life happens things come up and I am trying so hard to be understanding with him right now. But I don't want to be playing games, or wasting my time. Because at this point he has all of my attention. He asked me to stop seeing other men. He wanted to be my one and only. So I agreed to be exclusive. But right now I am exclusively confused, sad, worried, and constantly wondering what the heak is going on with us? I am independent self sufficient and don't need a man. Now I am crying over someone I haven't even kissed before? lol what is going on? Is he toying with my emotions? Am I crazy? Is he crazy? Am I overreacting? I just don't know. Things arent adding up. And every day that goes by I get worse. Today was my day off its Tuesday and I have spent all day in bed. I suddenly feel extremely depressed. I feel like if you really want to, you will make time for someone. And he has yet to do this. I mean yes he has only been in town for a couple days and he has alot on his plate. but damn it I'm supposed to be his woman. I am trying so hard to be understanding and patient. But a part of me just doesn't know if this is real and i don't know what to do. Well it is now Wednesday the 25th. He just texted me at 12:30 am "Sweetie i'm sorry crazy day. I'll call you tomorrow". We'll see if he does and when he does. Im not even sure if I want to answer it.

Angelina53 on January 03, 2012:


I met a gentleman 55yrs old on the internet. He's a widower and so am I. We both lost our spouses the same year and both lost a son in a car accident. He is raising a little granddaughter age 5. He actually winked at me because he said that he liked my profile, it was honest, straight forward and sincere. He complimented on my looks and said that he was looking for a long-term relationship leading to marriage eventually with the right woman, and wanted to get to know me better. That we should continue e-mailing each other until we both feel comfortable to meet. Each subsequent e-mail will tell me that he is interested in me and would like to take this journey with me. Then he asked me a lot of questions about me and that he would respond in kind once he reas my answers, to which I haven't received yet and I e-mailed him about that. He responded two days later saying that he's been real busy with work he's an independent construction engineer and is raising his granddaughter, that as soon as he has time to put his thoughts down he will let me know. He really opened up to me and said that he has not dated since the death of his wife, that he needed the time between losing his wife and the death of his son to heal. He says that now he feels ready to open up his heart and he is glad that I am too. He said that he is so glad to have me as a friend, that he is always open to having new friends,that if I wanted friendship at first that is fine, but that he is really interested in finding a woman to share his life with I didn't hear from him for 4 days and than he wrote that he apoligzed for not responding to me earlier that he was so busy because he had to fly to the UK and check out this job he bided for some months ago and that he was going with his granddaughter to purchase some items necessary for the trip, and would be leaving tomorrow night. Also, that a nephew of a best friend would be caring for his house and dog until he returned home. He then said that he wanted to send this e-mail to me even though it is not finished because he didn't want me to think that he had forgotten me or changed his mind about me. That if I wanted to continue to communicate while he was away that we could talk about the logistics before his departure. I wrote back but I don't think he received my e-mail in time. He said that he had taken care of the big items and just had to pack and load everything.

Anyhow, I did write him for Christman and than for the New Year. Still, haven't heard from him. I know he said that he was leaving on 12/21/11 and he had to be at the site on Monday 12/26 and it would take at least 10 days for him to inspect the site and take care of some other planning their. So, if I'm correct he won't be back until 1/6/12.

I do miss not hearing from him. I don't know why I haven't and I'm a little taken aback by that. I told him in a letter that I know he has a job that takes him away in the states and aboard and that I'm also busy, and I understand that and I don't have a problem with that.I am willing to spend whatever time he can give me and I him.

I guess I am wondering why I haven't heard from him. I decided not to e-mail him anymore and to wait and see if he does contact me. This could be a innocence thing or not. At this point I don't know. Any comment on this, I would appreciate a man's point of view. Thank You.

Alisha82 on January 01, 2012:

I broke up with my EX in September. We had been dating for 8 months. He had just came home from Iraq when we started dating. He wasn't working so we had a lot of time together. He has one daughter and I have a son. He started working in March and still made time for us. It wasn't as much as before but he made it work. In late April the time we spent together and our talk time decreased and decreased. He blamed it on his job being demanding. I was understanding and told him that my schedule was open when he had time. I thought I was being supportive. however things got worse. We barely talked, maybe once a week (verbally) and every other day through text. He then started to email me about how our relationship had changed and how could we get back to the way it was in the beginning. I told him that his schedule seemed to conflict with my availability. I was still open for when he was available to hang out. He said he would make time but never did.

Now I know he has work and his daughter to care for and I NEVER bothered him when he was with his daughter. I respected their time and when he was at work I didn't either, not unless he emailed or texted me first. I emailed him in the morning before he went into work or tried to call. Anyhow, things only went downhill and he seemed to not realize that he was the one that had very little time, yet I was still patiently waiting and not complaining. The only time I brought up time was when he emailed me about the relationship changing. In September I broke it off with him because yet again I got another email about us not having conversational spark... I poured my heart out to him telling him how I was beginning to feel like I was in the relationship alone, not because of his schedule but more because of us not talking. When I would text or email he wouldn't respond to me but was able to post on Facebook. When I would call and that was rarely ever because I never knew if he was busy he would call back hours later after I was in bed....

Even the day we broke up I asked him if he wanted it to work... His response was "I don't know", so I felt like all this time I've been patient with him trying to supportive and now he tells me this. He also said his time was only going to get worse and he made me upset when he mentioned he talked to others about his time with me but wouldn't talk to me about it. It was like he was afraid to have a conversation with me. On the day we broke up it had been 8 days since we last verbally talked and a month since we last saw each other (we live 20 minutes away from one another).

We didn't talk for about a month after the break up and then he texts me and invites me over.. I gave in and went I was hoping to get some sort of closure of what happened with us. Instead we ended up having sex :-(. Such a bad decision. I tried to talk to him afterwards about maybe working it out and he seemed to be upset saying, "what is there to talk about? things got tough and your only suggestion was for us to break up". yet, he never gave me a reason to stay. He also said I thought his problems revolved around me. Not sure of how when I never knew what was going on with him. We barely talked and when I would half way mention anything about what was going on he was short with me an cut me off.

I just want to get past this. I am not sure as to why I keep thinking about him and feeling bad. I REALLY wanted it to work and thought it could until he started ignoring me. He said he still loves me but I am not to sure of that and just want to move on. If it's meant to be it will be I guess....

Tracytroubled on December 09, 2011:

I have a huge confusion. I broke up with a guy I had been going out with since a year. I had entered into it when I was 17 and realised how stupid I was by the time I was 18.But before I broke up with him, I met an amazing witty guy and probably I realised that I had jumped into a commitment too soon and broke off things with the bf. The amazing witty guy has always been my friend, and I adore him and respect him. I ofcourse have a huge crush on him,but I don't want to do anything about it cos I broke up with my guy just 5 months back. This new guy is so compatible with me, and he adores me back the way I do. He's so busy for me though, and he's elder to me by 5 years, he's so mature and takes care of me and calls himself my 'well-wisher and friend'.He just never opens up,he's so reserved, and with me, he's become better . Sometimes he claims " I cant stop talking to u man", " Things will change btw us, right now its best we are friends" , " I adore you .. you are priceless" , I have told him I like him and he says ' I like you too dudette' , I feel he uses the word dudette to emphasise that he likes me as a person than in that way. I have asked him to be honest so many times, that if he aint interested in me, he should tell me on the face so that I can quit talking to him and move on. He never ever says anything about it and gets into a lecture mode advising me about my life, he acts like my father! He's really close to me, and understands me a lot,and I am not looking for anything romantic , but I just wish to god I could figure out what' going on in his mind. Sometimes he behaves like a dad, or a mom, sometimes he protects me, he also flirts with me,he's giving out a mixture of signals I have no idea how to interpret. The most silent yet complicated guy I could have ever met. But god I admire him so much and cant stop talking to him. i kinda think he likes me cos when he's with me, he bestows all his attention on me, he reads my blogs and remembers all kinds of details, he compliments me on my clothes,looks and more importantly personality. He's so calm and quiet and hardly talks,he's a wonderful friend to me and he is so selflessly caring for me all the time. But the only thing is that he's detached and most of the times,if I say' can i speak to u' he by default says ' NO' , and then after asking him 2-3 times, he agrees and we have a great time, and he then messages me saying how much fun he had. So is he interested in me ? If so, is it romantic, or just as a friend ? Should I still be his friend ? Help me interpret this guy.

Sarahmarie78 from Fort Mill, South Carolina on November 29, 2011:

I really need advice! I met this guy in October on a dating site, we realized we both grew up in the same area...we both moved out of state and now live about 30 min from each other, having that in common was what first attracted us to each other, we talked online about a week, then text and phone another week, talked about EVERYTHING, he asked some serious, intense questions..hes ready to settle down, get married, prefers to be in a relationship opposed to dating for fun. We met and it was like we'd known each other for months...we both said it when we finally went great, we ended up sleeping together. He asked me if we became serious if Id be willing to move..into his house, I have a child and we discussed step parenting. We talked another week, saw each other again, I stayed with him, he made me breakfast in the morning...we talked another 3 or so days then he got a little distant...I didn't see him the next weekend and I did ask him if everything was ok, he is a highschool teacher..he took extra classes this yr for extra money and he also is a head coach for a winter sports team at the school that started the same week he got distant...he told me this is the busiest time of year for him and needs me to understand, he said its not a lack of interest but a lack of energy. Well, I have not seen him since the end of Oct. I asked again a few weeks ago if everything was ok since his texts were next to nothing unless I text first, then he'd answer..he said again he's exhausted, busy, he apologized for the timing several times. About a week ago I asked again only because I was afraid he was trying to spare my feelings! He said he barely has time for himself let alone anything else, again apologizes for bad timing, tells me he's not dating anyone else(he took down his online profile after we met) I asked if he wanted to pursue something with me if so I could be patient and he said he wants to but with the way things are going, it won't be until end of Jan when his schedule goes back to I told him I would wait, I wasn't going to pressure him and wed talk or Whatever when he could until then, he said that was fair and again apologized and said he wished it was different. Still he doesn't initiate contact, we talked a week ago and I text him that I missed him about 4 days ago and got no reply...I've sent nothing else since. I want to believe he's genuine and honest and that if I'm patient until Jan something good will happen, I feel different about him, can't explain it. But am I totally crazy for going along with this? Is he just trying to ease out of it? Or is his life that hectic right now that he feels like he can't give anything in a relationship? Sorry so long! I wanted to be as detailed as possible, I really need to make a decision.

Hivona on November 18, 2011:

Hi Ladies! I hope someone can help me feel a little more at ease. Or maybe I will just by venting! I am 29 & I was married young at 17, (no kids involved) till 27. I am an insecure person by nature from an unstable childhood. My ex & I were attached at the hip. So my main relationship experience was with a guy that did nearly everything with me & was super affectionate, (when he wasn't being somewhat abusive..). Also I have noticed around the 3 month mark I get insecure & also the guys for whatever reason decide to move on...

I am not the type of girl to send a million texts, or phone calls, I dont check in, I dont give them the 3rd degree or play 20 questions. but maybe they have been the wrong guys & they pick up on my insecurity thing...

My current beau is 42, never been married & no kids. We have been seeing each other for 4 months now. It is long distance, which I have never done before. He has a car & it is about 2-2.5 hours when he drives to me. I do not have a car so it is about 4 hours mass transit for me to go to him. He is a police officer but he works in training academy so his schedule is more stable than your average patrol officer. I am still going to college part time & I have a full time job. We work opposite schedules & do not have same days off. Also my 2 days off from work I spend all day at my school. So it is not easy for us to get together.

For the first 2 months he pursued me so much! It felt great, his actions (not just words) showed so much interest in me. within the 1st month he said he was ready & wants a serious relationship & wanted to try with me. yay!

Then after about 2 months he got busy with work & he also goes to periodic competitive gun matches. So we only had 2 weekends together in september. But he still called frequently. However, I told him with a little notice I could get time off from work, a few days here & there. But I would need to plan it! He said he's not the planning type. I asked, well what if i just took days off & you were available? He said cool!

Anyway, September we didn't get together often but he still called & texted at least every day to every other day. Then October comes & he doesn't call or text quite as much. My insecure self is wondering, is this a lack of interest?? Now for a month & a half I have seen him for 3 weekends.. I miss him a lot because the newness of the relationship hasnt worn off for me. Then half way thru october he finds out his mother has pancreatic cancer! :(

Now let me say that when we are together in person he is great! I feel good with him, he is affectionate, he takes care of me. I'm happy when we are together. But I can tell he is getting more comfortable. Little things like he takes phone calls when I am around (not when we are busy or anything like that) he will burp a few times, simple things.

lately I have been feeling really really frustrated because I miss him! I'm not sure if I will get to see him at all for november. I am starting to feel like he takes me for granted. Or maybe I am no longer a high priority for him? it kind of seems like since he has bagged me he has gotten complacent. Last weekend he was supposed to spend sunday night with me. But he worked 22 hours of overtime & he ended up sleeping sunday away. So he didnt come down. He spent monday & tuesday with his parents who live out of town. Of course I can understand that. Then he came back to work for 2-3 days & then down to north carolina for a shooting competition. Now I know he needs his man time & maybe the competition is a mental break from his work, his mother's health, maybe even pressures of (barely there) girlfriend. But where do I fit in????

Is this just a case of him not being quite that interested in me? or is this just a phase because he truly has been busy? He said he wont have any more shooting till next may & his job should quiet down a bit. But I wonder, will he actually make time for me??? hmm

Or is it my insecurities getting in the way???? I know long distance isnt ideal, & it isnt forever but is this how it is? I want more time with him, how can we grow as a couple? I also think our communication needs are different. I think he is ok only getting in touch with me every few days where I want to hear his voice every day! So over the course of 4 months have we found ourselves at different places with our needs & desires?

Hes such a cool guy, he turns me on in many ways. I like him so much & I think even though its early, I see potential for a future, living together, marriage, kids. but I am starting to wonder if he is serious about me or am I being my typical insecure self like usual? I am trying to just go with the flow but I want more & I dont know if he doesnt or just isnt able to give more....

I know I am long winded. Thanks for reading!

HutKat on October 09, 2011:

Hi Veronica,

I was wondering, why is it that a man will live with you as man and wife (or ask you to), but 'isn't ready' for marriage? I don't get the 'difference' on his end? Seems like he wants to live with me as a wife, so why not marry me?

aswenson1985 from Louisiana on October 09, 2011:

Thank you so much for this. I just started seeing a guy about six weeks ago and he's finishing up his Ph.D., works at a prison, and does a lot of volunteer work- things I'm very attracted to, however, things that, yes, get in the way. I very rarely contact him and he very rarely contacts me. It's actually getting to the point that if we contact each other once a week it's a miracle, let alone see each other. What I realized is I'm a stand by girl, not someone he really wants to be with even though he told me he likes me and likes being with me. If he did he would make more of an effort (mainly because I do when he asks for it).

Sadly, I do really like this guy, but I also am logical enough to know that this will probably not last since he's making it clear that HIS stuff comes first. Oh well.

Mitchylle on September 27, 2011:

Hi, Veronica!

Finally, i think i have found the very person that can help me with my problem with my too clingy boyfriend.

People have been telling me that i am so lucky with my boyfriend. He is honest, faithful and he does almost everything i wish. We have been together for 6 years now. I really love him. I really do. But somehow this relationship is suffocating me. We are always together. He stays in my place almost all the time. He would adjust his working schedule with mine so that we would have more time seeing each other. He also comes with me when i hang out with my friends. Everywhere i go, he is always there. It seems that he doesn't have a life at all. It seems that i am being too dependent on him and he's too dependent on me too. I don't want this kind of relationship. There's something wrong and it frustrates me not being able to point it out to him or even to myself. I have asked him a lot of times to give each other space but he always tells me we don't have to end up that way. And i am also scared to push on that because i know i still love him. But as i have said, something is wrong with our relationship... can you please enlighten me? I would really appreciate it. Thanks!

Dawn on September 25, 2011:

My bf of yrs is too busy for my liking. When we started dating grew lived an hour away. At that point we saw each other atleast /1or 2x a week. Then 6mo ago he bought a house only 5 min from me. Although he is really close I only see him once every week out two. He is so busy working on the house he has no time me. I'm not clingy at all. He seems to get a little irritated that I keep busy with family and friends. The only constant has ben talking daily on the phone for a good while. He pushed for us to be exclusive which I like but it's to the point where things aren't adding up anymore.

Alice on September 24, 2011:

Hi Veronica,

I have a guy friend of a different religion with me. I am a free thinker. He spends almost 2 weekday nights and 1 weekend per week on his religion. Currently we go out on one weekend and sometimes a weekday dinner. I know he has been trying to spend more time with me. We are not in a relationship yet because I forsee we might face some problems with his religion in the longer term. However everything is good about him his character and the way he treats me. He has never preached about his religion or expect me to convert. Apart from the differences in religious beliefs, I feel very disturbed and insecure as he might get more religious commitments in the future and have no time for me. Should I try out with him? How do I make it work out?

If ever we get married with kids, how is it possible for him to spend time with the family?

Vicky on September 21, 2011:


I have read what you wrote and I hear you. I don't feel professionally qualified to give advice, and in fact I tend to believe that facilitating growth, understanding and identifying what an individual wants for themselves is the best and most healthiest course of action in these circumstances.

Life is not about avoiding adversity and it's not about avoiding taking risks. However, there are times when I believe that another person's behavior overrules those principles. It does not sound to me, from what I read, that you are in any immediate danger or being mistreated in an emotional or physical way. I think you need to help yourself decide if this relationship is the kind of relationship you want for yourself?

I know it feels painful to have the kinds of thoughts you are having, but it is a necessary process towards growth and understanding. Perhaps, you could make a list of pros and cons of being in your relationship? Perhaps, you could ask yourself how much your relationship adds to your happiness? Are you being realistic about how your relationship should affect your life? Is your boyfriend a person you would choose to have as a friend as well as a lover? I think so many people make the mistake of seeing their partner only as a lover, without developing a real friendship and finding out whether they actually 'like' their partner as a friend? Respect? Trust? Loyalty?

I think you also have to be really honest about how you affect the dynamics between you? It is often reported that some people with interpersonal issues actually create a self-fulfilling prophecy of never being with the right person, because they place to much emphasis on the relationship in terms of their happiness. It seems to me that you outlined feeling too attached as a possible negative for you and your relationship.

What do you think you could do to help yourself with that?

Being happy takes just as much energy as being unhappy you just have to choose which you prefer and how you might best acquire it.

Good luck!!!!!!!

Vicky cont... on September 21, 2011:

I thought I would update....I sent my fiance' an email entitled "how I feel". I wanted to be heard, but I also wanted to ensure that when I have these kinds of feelings, that we are still able to work as a team in order to resolve them. I recognise in the past that I have made him responsible or caused him to feel defensive due to the language I have used to express myself or the tone.

We are equals and he is my best-friend so I spoke to him like that. I spoke to my best-friend as honestly as I could, I owned my own feelings and I asked for his help in resolving the feelings I outlined.

Here is the mail:

"This email will be about my feelings. I will do my absolute best not to be accusatory or un-team like. Okay. Ok.

First of all. I wish I did not feel like I do a times, I really do. I would much rather just go along with life and in my relationships without these kinds of feelings, but that does not always seem to be the way. I am just letting you know that this is not projection or transference, or a way to get your attention in a negative way. This is genuinely how I feel. I am not making you responsible. This is just how I feel.


Last night at the end of our call you joked about ending the call and talking to me next week when I whined about you fitting me in with your schedule. I know that was a joke, but it triggered feelings in me that have felt unresolved.

So here they are:

Sometimes I do not feel very imporant in our relationship.

Sometimes I feel like I come way down on a long list of your priorities.

Sometimes I feel like I go to extra lengths and make compromises to the extent of our communication, so that you do not feel added pressure along with all the other things in your life by me or our relationship.

Sometimes I feel like I try to slacken the strain, tiredness, demands you feel in your life by making myself seem less of a priority.

Sometimes I feel like I am never thanked for making those choices.

Sometimes I feel like I go out of my way for thanking you for making time for me or calling, but I do not get the same in return when I scrafice my own needs.

Sometimes I feel like I have to feel grateful for the time you give me, because it is an improvement on how you may have behaved in previous realtionships. Sometimes that feels unfair because I was not in those relationships and I did not experience those dynamics.

Sometimes I wonder if I am the kind of person who will be good for someone like you?

You will notice that I have said 'sometimes', because I do not feel like that all of the time. Just sometimes. I think we are good for each other and well-mathced, but I think that this issue is perhaps our achilles heel, and I want to find a way to give it less power in our relationship. I wonder sometimes if I make this dynamic worse by feeling responsible for how your work demands etc effect you and how I feel I should compensate for that? I know I am at least 50% responsible for this dynamic.

I really don't want this to blow-up in my face. I really need to feel like I can be honest about how I may feel. I don't want to feel like that, which is why I am being honest and so that we can find a way to avoid these situations. I know I am not going to feel special all the time in our relationship, but I am trying to assertain wherer that comes from and how we can reslove it?

I love you a whole lot, and you are a wonderful supportive partner. I can count on your support and advise. You do go above and beyond at times to be there for me. I want us to have a future together. I want to be with you. I just don't want to feel like I have described above, or at least find a way to make sense of it, or deal with it. I won't ask you for more of your time, because I don't want to place those kinds of demands on you. I don't like to be unresonable with others, but I think that perhaps I minimise my needs for the sake of others. As I said, I feel I am responsible for this dynamic in some way.

I love you."

My fiance' was great and was more than happy to have a phone conversation about how I feel. He took responsibility for the dynamics he feels he is responsible for, and I realised that I also contribute to the feelings I feel, by minimising my own feelings for the sake of others, by feeling heightened feelings about our relationship at specific times.

It was a great call and we were both relaxed and worked through everything. Since that conversation he has gone out of his way to call me every day. We agreed that even if we only talked for 5 minutes, so that we could hear each other or just touch base, was better than ruling out a conversation, because it would not be a very long or in depth one, (which is what I had done in the past). I immediately felt better after our conversation, because we had the space to work out where these feelings were coming from without blaming each other.

I try my best to take owndership of my feelings. I think it's a very important aspet to any relationship. Instead of "you make me feel", it should be "I feel".

I have learned a lot through my life, but what I have learned through the time we have been together is how important the art of communication is.

I thought long and hard about whether to post my email to him on here, and I have because, I hope that it might help someone else with similar issues.

Love is complex, and tricky, and painful and rewarding, and inspiring, and so many things. But, it's worth all of the time and energy to be with someone you love and who allows you to express yourself and grow.

saraha89 on September 19, 2011:

I have my own relationship issues sadly. Me and my boyfriend have been together for over two years and been friends for even longer. We are both 22. For the past few months I have been so unhappy with him and myself. I have become too dependent on him for my own happiness and it just took a toll on me. He started doing more of his own thing and seeing whoever he wanted because he knew I would always be around. He is more in love with his friends than me half of the time. I go can hang out with him and his friends if I want, but if I dont go he will still do whatever. I recently tried to break it off, but he won't let me. He claims he loves me and won't be happy with himself if he looses me, but when I ask for the simplest things such as calling in the morning rather than sending a text message he replies with, " I dont have to call right away when I wake up." Only thing is he wakes up whenever on weekends because he is out so late with his friends. He cannont commit to plans with me. He says plans change and he never knows what he will be doing a week from now. The problem is I thought we were supposed to be growing together in this relationship, but I feel more like I am growing up and maturing for a more serious relationship and he is stuck in his immature ways of staying up till 4am doing whatever it is. He can never plan a date either, I have put so much effort into this relationship that I am just emotionally drained. He says he wants to try and fix us and show me he cares so much, but why don't I believe him. I can't seem to let go of how hurt I am by his lack of effort lately. I am a pretty damn independent person too. I am a competetive swimmer and a full time student and I work two jobs, but I still have time to dedicate to someone who just thinks I am too attached. Any phone call just turns into an argument because I secretly know nothing will change. Can't change people. Am I right in thinking this is not going anywhere?

Vicky on September 14, 2011:

Oh boy!

I say that, because my situation is quite complex, in terms of dynamics rather than being with the right person. Here goes:

I met my fiance' 3.5 years ago on a research forum. It was not a relationship forum and neither of us were actively looking for a relationship at the time, but we formed a connection, which turned into a friendship and then romance. He IS my Mr.Wonderful. He is not some perfect being and I do see him flaws and all, but I love the person he chooses to be.

However, and this is where I may seem conflicted about saying I love the person he chooses to be, he is married to his job, plus he has other commitments that also take up a lot of his time. We are still living 4000 miles apart (immigration process is in progress)and I wonder if I struggle with him being so busy due to the distance or whether it is something I will struggle with when we are married and living together full-time? He does make an effort to make sure he stays connected with me when he is busy, by sending me tweets on Twitter in between his work commitments, and I know he is mindful of that, because of past relationships and his issues with work and, due to things I have mentioned in the past. I try my best to be super supportive and do not put pressure on him when he is going 100 miles an hour. I just wonder how this will feel when we are married -I am a little afraid. I am super motivated and I will have a busy schedule myself once I am living with him. Things have slowed down for me whilst we are in the immigration process, but this issue of him devoting so much of his time outside of our relationship keeps cropping up for me. I think I would be stupid to give up on a relationship that feels right in so many ways just because of this issue.

I think we tend to priorities life differently in terms of work and commitments. I tend to put the people in my life who I love the most first, and sometimes he puts his commitments first and gets around to the people he loves when he has satisfied his commitments. He does not do that all of the time, but there is a pattern.

I know there are times in relationships when you have to take care of yourself without relying on your partner to be there all the time. I just want to get the balance right. I don't want to be one of those long suffering wives who makes so many compromises for her man and regrets it 10 or 15 years down the road.

The thing is he is super supportive of me.

Maybe I am just afraid of the unknown?

Thank you for reading.

Clarissa on September 13, 2011:

Like I said, we broke up almost 4 weeks ago..Why? Because for the past 2 months he took up a new job and has had maybe 3 days off in 2 months...he works 12 hr shifts, 7 days a week...this led to me always complaining about him not having days off and how I want to spend time with him...[It didnt help that we live 40 minutes apart! But world, please believe me when I say that everything else in this relationship was wonderful! The love we shared, we both agreed we had never felt that way before..I thought we were really happy..But then came Aug 14th, and he called me after working that night and I told him "If you think Im going to keep doing this for 6-8 more months youre crazy!" Well we ended up hanging up and I knew he was mad and probably hurt..Well that evening when he got to work..we talked and he said, "I think we need to take a break, I dont want to be the reason you hurt or the reason that ruins your day...blah blah..then went to say that when I made my comment, he went "numb" and just turned off all his feelings and knew he was done." So here I am 3 weeks later, kicking myself in the ****..and knowing that there is nothing I wont do to get him back..he said he already made up his mind and that he needs to be alone right now because he cant give me the attention I need..well at the beginning of the break up he would text me back or return my calls when he got the chance usually right before he went to bed for work the next morning..but this past week has been hell I have to beg him to call me back and Im pretty sure its because everytime we talk all I find myself talking about is trying to make him give us another chance..Now I know how stupid this might be of me,but believe me my heart says dont let him go...But there is probably NO hope since he told me..he loved me as a friend..but prolly not even that becuz you shouldnt ignore your friend...BUT **** how do you tell me you feel all this love for me and then go "NUMB" or change so drastically in 3 weeks!

Is there any hope at all? Do I just stop trying and calling? OR is it plain to see it will never happen again?

I asked him last night and several times before, "Is there a chance we could ever try again?" and he says I dont know what tomorrow will bring..and the night he broke up with me he said, We can take a break and if we areike I said, we broke up almost 3 weeks ago..Why? Because for the past 2 months he took up a new job and has had maybe 3 days off in 2 months...he works 12 hr shifts, 7 days a week...this led to me always complaining about him not having days off and how I want to spend time with him...[It didnt help that we live 40 minutes apart! But world, please believe me when I say that everything else in this relationship was wonderful! The love we shared, we both agreed we had never felt that way before..I thought we were really happy..But then came Aug 14th, and he called me after working that night and I told him "If you think Im going to keep doing this for 6-8 more months youre crazy!" Well we ended up hanging up and I knew he was mad and probably hurt..Well that evening when he got to work..we talked and he said, "I think we need to take a break, I dont want to be the reason you hurt or the reason that ruins your day...blah blah..then went to say that when I made my comment, he went "numb" and just turned off all his feelings and knew he was done." So here I am 3 weeks later, kicking myself in the ****..and knowing that there is nothing I wont do to get him back..he said he already made up his mind and that he needs to be alone right now because he cant give me the attention I need..well at the beginning of the break up he would text me back or return my calls when he got the chance usually right before he went to bed for work the next morning..but this past week has been hell I have to beg him to call me back and Im pretty sure its because everytime we talk all I find myself talking about is trying to make him give us another chance..Now I know how stupid this might be of me,but believe me my heart says dont let him go...But there is probably NO hope since he told me..he loved me as a friend..but prolly not even that becuz you shouldnt ignore your friend...BUT **** how do you tell me you feel all this love for me and then go "NUMB" or change so drastically in 3 weeks!

Is there any hope at all? Do I just stop trying and calling? OR is it plain to see it will never happen again?

I asked him last night and several times before, "Is there a chance we could ever try again?" and he says I dont know what tomorrow will bring..and the night he broke up with me he said, We can take a break and if we are meant to be then we will find each other again...Aah! I wish he could just open his eyes and see what I see. I wish his heart will tell him to be with me and not let me go..instead of telling him that he has to be alone right now...

God knows I love him and I would never hurt him

jasmine266 from Maine on September 05, 2011:


After coming out of a six year long relationship, I thought an angel had come into my life when he first approached me and we got together. He was affectionate, caring, loving- everything that lacked in my previous relationship. This lasted for about two months where I spent almost every night at his house and we were always together. All of a sudden, he is ALWAYS busy and never makes time for us anymore. He never sends sweet texts, if he ever even does text me, however when I do see him he is affectionate and caring and makes everything seem like it's okay. The thing is, when I do see him it is not out of invite, but out of coicindence.

For example, yesterday I texted him telling him I was stopping by his house to get all of my stuff for school. He was supposed to be up north (as he was all week long hunting), but when I got to his house he was actually home. I know he had just gotten home, because the dog sitter was just on her way out. When I approached him, he said he was about to text me for getting together the following day. I was actually happy for a second that he was making plans that included us, until he started talking about his plans tonight on going to his mothers house that will last into all day tomorrow & I leave later on that day to go to school for the week. Before leaving, I tried to express how I was feeling, which I have never really been able to do because I never get a chance to see him and don't want to make matters worse. His repsonse was, in his last relationship he lived with the girl for two years and was always around her. He doesnt want to get tired of the person he is with, and needs time to do his own thing. He says he is just an indepentent guy. He called after I left apologizing and saying he will put forth his half as long as I put forth mine. However, he also said it is hard because he works when I'm in school and likes to have his time to do fun things on the weekends.

I am trying to see the positive parts to this relationship. After all, maybe this is a good thing. I am still only 20 years old and maybe I shouldn't be so attached. Maybe I am this way because I am used to always being around the person in my last relationship. Perhaps this is a good time for me to explore and find myself and to learn not to be so dependant on other people. Maybe he is like this way because of his age (25). Even before we started dating I knew he was a very busy person. Maybe I did take for granted that he at first took away all of his busy weekends to spend time with me.

This is the only thing that gets to me... He tells his friends about me, I've met his family, he makes it clear through his words that he does want this to be a lasting relationship. On this flip side, he doesn't put in any effort, is always busy, and no longer shows any affection unless I am physically there with him. I even texted him last night about getting together on Thursday, but got no response. I am trying very hard not to be pushy, or look needy, but I am afraid if I continue to be okay with this he will never change his ways.

Maybe I am just thinking too much about all of this, all together! I am just looking for someone on the "outside" to analyze this and help me make a decision on the next best step forward. I care about him so much and hate the idea of letting go of anyone until I have given it my all.

saonlinedating on September 02, 2011:

Good info...

rori on August 29, 2011:

hi..i have a long distance bf.ealier everything was gud he used 2 gimme plenty of time n used 2 think abt me n he promise me he will be back 2 my country as his parents stay der..but he shifted his job n hes in uk nw n he dosent want 2 kum back nw.n he calls me very less n he says he will call me but does only once in a day dat to cant tok nicely.earlier we used 2 have chat n all.but he says hes shifted his job so he needs his dedictation in his work nw n he dosent gimme tym.nw hes angry 4 me coz i checked his ex profile as i was feelin insecurity n we r nt in terms since date.. pls help me i miss him a lot

Amy on August 25, 2011:


I have a live in boyfriend and we have been dating for 7 1/2 years. Just a little over a year ago he got a job that he would be doing some traveling and some work locally. Since he has had this job he has been gone during the whole week and home on weekends or he is gone for 2 or 3 weeks at a time if he is traveling far away. so, pretty much he as been gone for 75% of the year. At first it was kind of hard, but now i feel like it's just not the same when we see each other on weekends or when he is home for a few days. We have called and e-mail each other less and less. When we do see each other we are not so much loving to each other. We never have been clingy to each other and i just feel like he is just as loving. I have confronted him about how i am feeling. He wants to make it work, but I feel that after talking to him and almost two months later things haven't gotten better. What should I do?

ten7 on July 30, 2011:

hi i need sum help

Rebekah on June 14, 2011:

Hi, I've been dating with my new colleague for 2 months, we've been going out and spending a lot of time together for the last month and suddenly due to his busy work schedule he's not spending any time with me after work. We only exchange text. he's my colleague in the office but we are from the different department but we spend time having lunch together with other colleagues. however it seems like he's less interested in spending time with me now and he's being tied down to work till late at night. We had a chat few days ago and he says he love me but he's afraid that he can't commit to me because of work. I am also returning back to school to complete my degree program and will leave the company soon. Can you advice what I should do?

Dr. Phil PHD on April 20, 2011:

I feel the solution is fairly simple. If you do not feel like you are being treated like you deserve to, what are you still doing in that relationship? If you want it to work, then make it work. If not, then find somebody who meets your communication and attention standards.

Tracy on April 07, 2011:

I been dating for 2 months but he to busy with his life.... I do the running as I do text him first then he text. I feel so low because If he was not seeing me it would be nice just send a text to me just saying hi or something.

Mia on February 26, 2011:

hi Veronica

ok my story is short 5 ears ago met a guy we were dating for 5 months he was my first guy an my first day we had fight and it was over never ever heard from him again.2months ago saw ad bout job i was really interested in ,got msg back ,after a while realised its the same guy i was dating few years back...we got to tlk and see each other...but dnt get him i really dnt,,,when we were gether i could swear he didnt care but the weird thing is he remembers everything,im polish hes irish he still rem my sis name ,my parents car,ate of my birth,my fav polish food ,he said back then he was mad bout me but he was afraid to admit it ,now for the first 2months he was behavin like a proper gent i dnt know i know hes opening his own business so hes a lot on his mind...when we are 2gether hes amazing he can hold me thight in his arms all nite long,he drops me and collects me and we live like 30mins away 1 way ...everything is great when we are 2gether but then when we dnt see each other hes grumpy and cold with me ...dnt know i really really like him and nt want to lose him again but i wont be playing any stupid games 2 old for them...what you think i should do ...break up?

Mia on February 17, 2011:

Dear Veronica,

please do help me out with your reality check here, I really need it.

My bf (22) and I (21) are in a relationship for almost 2,5 yrs with the first 2 years being spent long-distance. I'm his first gf, he's my 3rd bf but the 1st seriously *serious* one.

We've had just the weekends for each other and it was almost exclusively me commuting to the city we both come from (and he lives in and lived while I was studying 4 hrs by train away).

I've been through many different things with this my bf: I met him when he dropped out of economy uni and started his preps for medicine; I supported him through all his medical preparatory studying; I was there when he got accepted and started studying...and around this time things slowly started going awry.

While I understand that studying medicine is terribly demanding (he doesn't work btw), I still believe in the proverbial "where's a will, there's a way". Would you believe in all this time we've been on a small (3-4days) trip only TWICE?

I'm from an active family and I love to travel around, be outdoors, hike, suntan on the meadow, horseback ride, you name it...while he doesn't like this and rarely makes the effort to spend a time like this with me. In fact, all his possible time (or so I see it) is spent studying. He wants to be 100% in medicine, which is admirable, but I wish he was also just as ambitious when it comes to us.

We've had some serious talks already about our future and we've agreed on being together but not pushing it too much. I often feel neglected and it's driving me crazy...I don't consider myself clingy and hell yeah I have my life (university + freelance design job + part-time job) but I just wish we've spent our time more creatively and more intensively. He says he doesn't have money for all my trip ideas but he's from a rich family, I'm sure his parents would support him.

What really hurt me recently was that I've planned a summer trip to Estonia & Finland and he refused to go. In Finland I plan to see one my online friend whom I've known for 10 years and have never met. My bf knows me & this guy are close (we send each other Xmas & bday gifts every years for example) and he knows we will meet; and yet, even this didn't make him go (I'm thinking some natural protectiveness over me would make him go...but no). In fact, he told me this:

"I won't go somewhere where I have nothing to do and why would I go meet some guy you've known for 10 years and I don't know anything about him?"

I mean, really...WTF. Traveling together is one of my ideas of a GREAT COUPLE TIME and he plainly refuses to take part in such a happening.

What am I to think about all this? I am just so confused, questioning my behavior, his behavior, my demands, my personality....and I just don't know. I just desperately need your REALITY CHECK.

Thanks a million in advance, I really really appreciate your help. *hugs*


Callie on February 15, 2011:

im in a long distance relationship, really far away. i moved right after we started talking and when i came back for christmas we had an amazing time together. He said he wanted to be together so we started dating. there is no chance of us seeing each other weekly, its more like six months at a time.

it was really amazing being with him at christmas. he was really considerate and spent as much time with me as he could. After i went back he called everyday and skyped everyday. he would send adorable texts all the time about how i was great and he missed me and how he wanted to move in together when i returned.

now, its about 1 1/2 months apart, and he has been contacting me less and less. He never seems to have the time to talk to me, unless i'm too busy to talk to him at the moment.

he doesn't mention future plans anymore either.

whats up?

girlwithapearl on January 16, 2011:

Renee, clearly he is was not a commitment phobic. He was, however, unable and unwilling to commit to you. I think you saw the red flags and chose to ignore them. You also had a gut instinct and chose to ignore that. It appears rather than address the issues of the relationship upfront with him,you chose to be manipulative by ending it and hoping he would miss you. So from what I can gather, you went along for 5 years in a relationship where you werent fully satisfied or your needs met. Rather than being in denial and shifting the blame onto him by thinking he was a committmeny phobe, asl yourself why you stayed in a relationship where you were treated poorly. And would you really want to be marrying a guy that has cheated on you for years? Because that is what his new wife will be marrying. Sorry to sound harsh.

Renee on January 14, 2011:

I'm going through such heartache at the moment. I requested a break from my boyfriend/bestfriend of 5 years because he was commitment phobic, or so I thought. I requested this break 2 months ago, in hopes that it would give him the space he needed in his man cave and some time to miss me; he agreed. He had a habit of disappearing around the holidays and going long periods of time without contact. We are both in very lucrative careers and are very active in our communities which is great since we are in our 20's. He contacts me today to tell me he is engaged and this is Goodbye. OMG. The man that couldn't commit to a "relationship" can commit to a marriage. I asked for the break because it had gotten odd at the end, as I felt it my heart that he may be seeing someone else. He would go through such extremes to get me back but would then sour out when I submitted to him. We grew up together and this is painful because we were best friends before we were dating. I am also hurt because it has only been 2 1/2 months, which means he may have been serious with this woman for a long time.

mimib on December 30, 2010:


I started dating a guy about a month and a half now. We became official after out third date because he just liked me so much and had to have me to himself. It felt sweet and romantic at first but now it feels like he was only wanted me to be his girlfriend so that only he would have me when he wanted and that he wasnt sharing with anyone else. I know it's early and this is why I have a problem b/c this is supposed to be the time we make memories, have fun, be spontaneous and see each other often. When we first met I could get him to stop calling or texting me, now he makes excuses that he gets too busy at work ( he owns a small up and coming construction company) I understand the demands of his career and he does have two children ( 10 and 6) He is 33 and I am 25, I am in school studying to be a nurse so I am busy also, but I just feel like I make more of an effort than he does. Omg forget about calling him, I can never get him on the phone, when he does answer he tells me to call back in 10 mins and when I do he doesnt answer, it really gets me upset. I know people will say its early and I should walk away but then I feel like I am giving up. He has asked me to wait through the rough patch he is going through right now and I really would like to but I feel like I am robbing myself of potential happiness especially since he cant say how long this rough patch might last. I dont know if at my age I can handle this. He also likes to talk about money alot which makes me uncomfortable, he feels if he buys me nice things or gives me money that it will smooth things over but I tell him repeatedly that I am insulted by it. I will take human contact over money any day. Sorry I am babbling b/c it is 10am and I once again have been stood up by him, yesterday he did the same. He has no respect for my time, its as if he doesnt think I have important things to do also. Should I just leave now since it's still early and wont hurt as much? I mean I feel like the abandoned housewife and its only the 2nd month of the relationship!

antonrosa from USA on December 30, 2010:

Great dating tips, I look forward to reading more in the future...Thanks..

IrishGal on December 08, 2010:

The truth of the matter is, If a guy wants to see you he will make the time and see you. And if he wants to call he will call.Why do we do this to ourselves?, Is the fear of being alone so great that we will put up with anything?,Feeling ignored is absolutely a frustrating experience and a lot of patience is needed when you make a decision to be with someone who you knew was busy from the get go.But there is a difference between being "busy" and being unavailable emotionally or physically.I have been in the "Busy" relationship and I advise you girls strongly to NOT do any of the following.

(1)Calling or texting after that one too many glasses of Chardonnay.

(2)Being too available, Too needy, Whining and whinging (The quickest way to send a man running for the hills let me tell you).

(3)Moaning to your friends how he never calls you etc and then when he does, dropping your friends like a hot cake.

Not cool remember your friends will always be there !

Personally I made a decision to leave the relationship, Although

Summer on December 04, 2010:

PS: I'm so very sorry for the many typo's.

I was really tired and I'm not a native English speaker.

Summer on December 03, 2010:

Hi V, thanks so much for your website!

So anyways... based on my experience, here are my 2 pennies for all the girls here:

Please dont think you can change a man to make time for you if he doesnt do so voluntarily.

He will not certainly NOT change as long as you make things easy for him. As long as you enable him to treat you badly, he will do so. You are teaching him that inconsiderate behavior towards you is okay. The longer this situation goes on, the more it will become normal to him that this is how things are and are supposed to be. He will be puzzled once you do stand up to him, and he ll see you as emotional and irrational. Express your needs quickly, and if he cannot meet them no matter the reason: move on!

A man is not a fragile bird which you need to pamper and be patient with until it is ready to fly. You are not his mother, you don't need to raise your own man. (Ew!)

By being too understanding, you will only let yourself be walked all over, rob him of his masculinity, and send him the message that you are needy and not worth more than the little crumbs of affection and attention that he is throwing at you now.

So just don't put up with anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, underdesirable, etc. You dont really have a realistic alternative. Yes, you can cling on to your dream of how this guy could be so wonderful 'if only...' but 'if only' will never become reality. The whole thing will eventually backfire in a very ugly way. The longer you tell yourself lies, the worse you will feel once reality catches up with you.

I know how easy it is to give such advice but how hard it is to accept it and act to it.

I made that mistake with a guy myself very recently. I felt that I had to keep the peace, to be understanding, patient, to reach out to a guy more in order to compensate for his busy schedule, social shortcomings, cultural differences, etc. I felt this was my only chance of getting closer to him or otherwise I would lose him due to what I perceived as unfortunate circumstances.

I didnt want to be a victim of faith and decided to take matters into my hand and make things happen. I took all responsibility for carrying this affair all by myself. What I didnt realize was that it didnt stand a chance. It was not the circumstances that caused the troubles, it was him.

He is just not capable or willing to start something real with me, and I really mean minimum commitment. I just wanted to have fun and then see where this would go or not go. I dont want to marry or have his babies or whatever. *panic attack at the mere thought*

This guy said he liked me, but never acted like it. I feel he is not ready for a relationship, or maybe just not with me. I just wish he had the guts to tell me this, but he kind of kept me on hold instead for several months and tried to do so for another four months (until he would come visit me, as we live in different countries in Europe).

I feel it was not necessarily bad intent from him that he cant make things happen. I think he doesnt know himself what he wants. Although he is funny and entertaining, he is also inconsiderate and immature and doesnt give things much thought. He kind of lives in the moment. And despite his positive qualities (and yummie good looks) that s eventually not what I m looking for.

I m sure he thought he wanted to spend time with me theoretically, but he never made much effort. He was always busy, there was always something else to do. He was very unrealistic about his time planning, and I think that sometimes people lie to themselves too. Maybe he wanted to see that someone special in me, but he was never sure in the end so he never made it real.

If you are worried so much that you just read all these posts on all these websides, think about it. Something must be wrong, or you are crazy to spend your time like that.

I dont think you are crazy, ladies. Just very nice and willing to work on things that are not to be rescued. You better trust your own gut feeling of the situation, as most guys are used to just doing things. They are emotionally less in touch with themselves and dont think about stuff as much as women do.

Set your own standard and do not settle for anything less. You are worth a balanced relationship and a guy who will treat you just as well as you treat him.

If you are curious what happened with me and that guy: after the gazillionth excuse, I told him how disappointed I was in him. Then he got mad at me for not believing him dat he was going to do things in time, and he backed out completely. Yeah... another lame excuse, really. I cant be bothered anymore. It was a tough lesson for me because I really liked this guy. But regardless of cultures, social skills, etc, the truth is some things will not work out, no matter how hard one person tries. It takes two to tango.

Be strong and love yourselves, my sweets!

Hugs, Summer

missindependent on November 23, 2010:

Hi, im having the same problem. in the beginning we were going so good and now he's working all the time and he dont have time to call or see me. i respect that he's working but im just saying: where do i fit in?

Martince on November 12, 2010:

Hi I would like some advice please. I always over-analyse absolutely everything, but just can't seem to help it! Basically, I've been dating this guy who's in the Royal Marines for about a month (7 dates in total where he has always insisted on paying- although I do offer to do so btw!)Well we met on a site- although I didn't get into it to meet anyone as such and just wanted friendship. So we really began messaging about 8 weeks ago. Then he asked if we could meet, as he lives only about an hour away from me. I found out that he'd broken his leg (he arrived at our date on crutches) and that's why he was staying at home with his family although he is usually based about 2 hours away. Well the date was great- he gave me compliments, we spent about 9 hours together etc!! Well he texted me the following day to ask if I wanted to go to the cinema in the evening, which we did and again it was great. Then a few days later I met him in his village to go to the cinema and I met his parents and his nan- no awkwardness whatsoever! Then there was about 3 weeks between then and our next date, as he has a really busy schedule- just bout an old car so has been getting it done before going back to work, he's training for another job (can't really say what it is), seeing his friends etc and on occasion he's asked me to do something and I've already made plans. Well we ended up going out and spending the whole day together, went out for food and he came back to my house and met my parents- again there was no awkwardness whatsoever. He was really relaxed. I should point out that by this stage he had yet to make a move and we hadn't kissed or anything. But he would flirt and kinda linger as though he wanted to kiss me then. Well the week after that we again went out for food and watched a dvd at his parents house and I ended up staying over! Then saw his family again in the morning and everything was fine- kiss goodbye etc. However he had told me the night before that he was moving back to base and going back to work the week after (today in fact). So I was a bit gutted. Well he texted on the thursday and friday- he initiated. Then he didn't reply to my text on saturday until monday morning, when he asked if he could pop in to see me. At first I thought I would give him a taste of his own medicine and not reply , at least not straight away. Well 15 mins later he calls me, so I said that of course he could pop in. Which I thought was nice? to do so. Clearly showing that he wanted to see me. He didn't even have to tell me that he was in the area. Then I texted him to say was nice to see him and for him to have a good day. He replied that yeah it was nice. Well, I texted him the next day (this tuesday) and he still has yet to get in touch. He's moving back to base also today!lousy at texting- i.e. takes hours to reply sometimes when he's fixing his car. He even texted me on two occasions when he was out with friends. But even when we just messaging online, he would only message once every morning when free! He's even apologised about the fact that his training takes up a lot of his free time but that it comes with his job. I am really resisting the urge to text him or call him, but don't want to seem clingy. Plus the text I sent him was a statement and not a question.Not sure if he's testing me, giving me the brush off or if he's genuinely just busy! Help please!! Thanks

Katalina on October 26, 2010:

My boyfriend works a lot. whenever hes not a school hes at work. what should i do? we havn't even gone on a date yet because of it...should i keep being his girlfriend or should i let him go???

Carolina on October 26, 2010:


So for the last 3 months I been talking to a guy that is active in the military. At first I ignore him because I was married. But 3 months ago my husband and me are getting divorce, so we started to talk. We click right away it was nice bc we went to middle school together. Whne he had to go back to his home station we decided we are going to get to know each other. The first month was amaxin texting everyday adn we would skype. Than he had work stuff come up which I knew were importan, but there came a time that it seem like I was putting to much effort into things and he wasent. So I backed off a little. Now he is calling a bit more and we talk, but he tells me how much he is goign through rough times. Well I kinda understand because he just got back from overseas not even 5 months ago. I am going to see him in like 2 weeks, but is a little akward bc we had not been talking that much. He tells me how excite he is to see me, and he is so thankful of me been understanding and been there. I dont know if to think he wants a serious relationship or am I just to pass time. I have met his family already and I do have teo kids we he is very good too.. What do you think??

Veronica (author) from NY on October 13, 2010:

Thanks Prissy!

Prissy on October 13, 2010:

Awesome and in-depth article on this issue which I have ever read! Thank you to the super amazing author, two thumbs up

misslissa35 on October 06, 2010:


It seems like there's parts of my story in each of these. You are so right to say that dating should be fun. And right now, it really isn't. I am dating someone who is super busy. He has a full-time job, is a full-time student, gets his kids (he's a great dad), and is a ref for football. I am a single mother, a full-time student in college at the age of 30+ a few, an officer in one of the clubs on campus, on student council, and heavily involved in a group. I am also in RCIA classes through the Catholic Church, and about to start pre-production on a radio show for Christmas. Busy isn't even the word. We see each other once a week, which is fine. We even talk pretty often. My problem is the fact that sometimes I'll call or send a text, and he won't answer until the next day, if at all. It's just weird. Some days he'll call 3 or 4 times, others, not at all. He has a dangerous job, and almost always remembers to send me a text letting me know he is OK at the end of his shift. I probably know the answer to this, I just need to hear it to jog it loose. I have an amazing life, and I am so blessed to be doing what I am. I just want to stop feeling slightly nuts about all of this. Sometimes I think I'm just so used to the "clingy" type of guy that this is new to me, and I don't know what to do with it, or how to act. Any way you can help me make sense of this?

Ashley on September 26, 2010:

Hello Veronica,

Great advice! I am having some trouble with my relationship. I have been in long term relationships since I was 16 years old and I am just turning 23 now. I have been dating this guy for 3.5 years, we are both going to college, and have been living together for probably 2 years now but it feels like 3 years. He was raised by a single mother and has to work very hard for everything. He is a great guy, but I find myself doing all the housework/cooking because he doesn't have the time (his excuse); i just think he doesn't have good time management. I pick small fights with him all the time because it annoys me that I do the majority of the work and he doesn't take initiative.

Another issue I have with our relationship is that, since we live together and are poor college students, we don't go out and spend much quality time together. We just merely live together like room mates and it is getting to me. I have tried in the past to get a day where we would have a day together, but his work schedule fluctuated and it just never happened. He has hobbies that take up a lot of time too. I always feel like I have to be the one to suggest we should do something together like a watch a movie.

I am thinking that this might be partly my fault, since he doesn't talk to me that often about things that bother him about me. He tells me I should get more hobbies to fill my time and I have, but they don't take as much time as his hobbies.

Here is my idea: I move back home with my parents and give myself some distance to find myself. I would like to continue to date him. I think the problem here is that I have become so angry and annoyed at him that if I left him completely I could probably get over it. However, I think if I had this mentality with all men, I would be single for life. I was thinking the distance would give me time to mend, find myself and calm down. He says that he cares about me and just quit his part-time job so he will have Friday just for me; i feel like it's a trap, lol. Do you think I should just break off the relationship or devote one day a week to spend time with him? Do you think that would just hurt me in the process of trying to define myself?

Veronica (author) from NY on September 21, 2010:


There are actually a lot of tells in your words, a lot of under-currents. I think you know, as you stated, you aren't designed for a long distance relationship. I think you know he's not putting in the effort. Plus he isn't what your heart truly wants, he's only what your heart "thinks" it wants. You realize he is confirming this, giving you every indication that he's not worth this upset, even if he does say obsessive things.

I think you have some other issues going on right now. 3 family weddings may be inspiration to be in a committed relationship to at least tell everyone about. I think you're very smart, and you're so smart in fact that you're psyching yourself into this relationship as well as trying to find a reason to hang it on him and end it. It's like you're having both sides of the Debate Team Playoffs going on in your head and you're orchestrating both sides. (And I admit, I'm more than a little impressed.)

It's hard when all this is going on to see the bottom line, because all the arguments for and against are good, and incomplete. It really doesn't have too much to do with him no matter what he says or does: this is all you, and it will play out like a chess game in your head until you get to your bottom line, which in the end really is the only one that matters.

My feeling is, this isn't the right relationship, and you should - and eventually will - trust your instinct to withdraw and break it off suddenly. It feels like that ending is not well planned, but it is. Your thought processes are a little hard to follow, but they are all there, and they are all working.

Veronica (author) from NY on September 21, 2010:


You said 2 absolutely key and quotable things.

1 - "The consistency level he has, is just so inconsistent..." I love it. A dating relationship is supposed to be fun. it's supposed to make you feel titillated, and happy, not drained from trying, like you said. And this is the constant in the relationship.

2 - "I don't want to be with someone that wants me one day and then acts shady to me the next." Good for you. You should not want that. It isn't healthy. It's destructive.

You should not be in any relationship that makes you feel the way this one does. You should not have any doubts. Move on.

JustJess26 on September 21, 2010:

Hi Veronica,

Short and simple. I have been seeing a guy on and off for three years. The off periods have been moments where I have come to the realization that he was just to busy for me.

He lives two towns over from me and he rarely calls, we barely go out on dates, all it appears as if he's looking for is a physical thing. He claims it isn't and that he does care for me and that I am the only one for him.

The problem is I don't feel that way. The consistency level he has is just so inconsistent and I'm just emotionally drained from trying to make things work.

I'm thinking of leaving permanently...I have a lot of doubts though because I do care for him...but I don't want to be with someone that wants me one day and then acts shady to me the next.

Any suggestions/inspirational thoughts?


nadrah on September 12, 2010:

Hi Veronica,

I chanced upon this page while trying to figure out what to do about this particular guy who recently came into my life. I went to South Africa in July for the World Cup and I met a guy there who I immediately fell for. For the first time in my life I think I'm truly in love. However, I'm more financially stable than he is (though I don't really have a lot of money) and apparently more impatient. :). We have been talking since I got back home and I have been the one making most of the calls because of our financial situations. After seeing my phone bill for the first two weeks after my return, I suggested we cut down our talks to just once a week. He seemed okay with it because he didn't want me to spend too much money. I am not sure I'm built for long distance relationships and after a month, I talked to him about how hard it is for me to not be able to see him and I wasn't sure how long I will last. He was very afraid of losing me but said if that's what I want to do that's fine since there's not much he could do about it from South Africa but he doesn't think he can be able to let me go even if I let him go. I explained to him that my main issue was the lack of a plan to meet up someday. So, about 3 weeks ago I told him I would like to see him and wanted to know if it will be fine to see him in November. He facebooked me back and said he will have to get back to me. He did. November was not good, December will work. Three of my cousins are getting married during the latter half of December so I would be traveling from one wedding to the next during that time. So, I asked him if I can come during the first week of December, he said no that second week will be better. I asked him why, he said and I quote: "I'm working two jobs now and I plan on taking a class, and if you come [before the 2nd week], it will mean me sacrificing one of those things and I don't want to do that." I was stunned. I explained to him about the weddings and he said maybe it will be better to push back to visit altogether so we don't rush things.

I was stunned. Here I was ready to spend my money, take time off work and come to see him because I really wanted to and he basically tells me he is too busy for me to visit him even though it will be the only time we see in 6 months and might be the only time in a year. I mean, what am I supposed to do with that? I am not sure if he no longer likes me but I'm confused because he tells me everyday out of the blue that he really cares about me. The funny thing is that I am not really an emotional person and so I tell him I care about him usually after he tells me, but not always, so he feels I don't really tell him enough. I really believe he cares about me but I don't know why he would tell me not to visit because he doesn't want to sacrifice these things for me...I mean, couldn't he have said it nicer? What does him saying it mean? He doesn't value me as much? I would never tell him that unless I didn't really want to see him...please tell me something. Maybe I'm over thinking it? But he has been the one discussing a future with me, I have always been the hesitant one. But as soon as I actually tried to take a step further he shuts that route down. I am withdrawing and I know I will completely withdraw soon or break it off abruptly, but before I do this I want to get another perspective on this issue.


Victoria on September 07, 2010:

Hello Veronica! My name is Victoria but most people forget & call me Veronica ;)

I'm in a similar situation as many here. I'm 28, have my own apartment, full time job, part time school. He is almost 30, had to move back in with his mother back in dec/jan. He has full time job that is very busy in the summer months. He's been talking about going back to school for masters deg. But recently he texted saying something about studying for law school! We've been dating since mid Feb 2010. In May he told me " youre awesome but I'm not ready for a serious relationship. I'm not sure where my job will take me." !!! But I went along with the relationship anyway. We live about 2hrs apart. Ever since Feb he has come down to see/spend the night with me at least once a week. We would text good morning & goodnight everyday & texted through out the day. It was pretty even as far as who initiated. And believe it he would actually call me a few times a week more than I called him! But I have to say after the first few months, I guess we got into a comfort zone, I wasn't always sure when I'd see him next. he wouldn't say when can I see you again, I had to ask him. or he wouldn't say I am coming down to see you. I had to ask, are you coming?

about a month ago I had plans for a dinner date with another couple where I live. he was going to meet my friends! & he asked about it a few days before to confirm. Then the day before he went to doctor for a wrist injury (from a few months ago) & got painkillers & ended up sleeping most of date night away. He didnt contact me till 7pm that night & then was so out of it he didnt mention anything about the date!

Ever since then things haven't been quite the same. I backed off a bit. Sadly our primary means of communication is texting. That dropped significantly even after I told him I was not mad at him. I tried to explain how I felt. How could I slip through the cracks? why was i forgotten?

Anyway, now he will text me in the morning but I get no response at night anymore. somedays he will text me quite often throughout the day, other days, like today, I havent heard from him at all. I even called & left a voicemail. A few days ago he texted me in the morning, Goodmorning baby. I asked why call me baby? He said he still wants me to be his baby. I said youre not acting it. He says hes sooooo busy & having family drama with his mother being behind in rent, his aunt having health problems & he might be transfered to a different dept in his job. I told him I am sorry for the drama. But his actions are not showing me that he wants to be with me. I feel almost completely cut out of his life, I don't feel like I have a boyfriend anymore.

Veronica, the last 3-4 weeks I have tried to give him space. He will reach out to me eventually but I am not feeling fulfilled at all. I don't know when I will see him again. He is so emotionally unavailable now. he wasnt like this, but ever since the failed dinner date its not been the same. I told him I want to support him through this, i want to get past this. But I need better communication. Find some way to show me you care. He even admitted that he's been a bad boyfriend, & not as attentive as he should be.

I don't know if I should try to stick it out or tell him its time to date others. I feel confident with one answer then I get back on the fence & then fall off the other side... He's a good guy but I can't help but think if this was the right time he'd be more into me or if i was the right girl??? Sigh

sorry its so long! I like to include lots of details! Thanks for the great post!

Veronica (author) from NY on September 05, 2010:

Kara -

Here's your Hub!

Veronica (author) from NY on September 05, 2010:


WOW. I just got your comment. I'm not posting it, I'm moving it to it's own hub, which I am writing for you right now. I will post the link here as soon as it's done. Check back in a few. xo


Veronica (author) from NY on August 30, 2010:

Thanks Sue. Yes, it's a big stumbling point for many people; Seeing what's really there, and handling it for what it is.

Sue on August 30, 2010:


Once again, one line that says it all..."Start processing what's happening instead of what you hope it is, and you'll be better." I think that's where so many of us fail when it comes to relationships that seem to get stuck in cycles, especially those destructive cycles.

Veronica (author) from NY on August 30, 2010:

We've all been there, Joey. It does suck. Start processing what's happening instead of what you hope it is, and you'll be better. It will get better. Good luck. xo

Joey on August 30, 2010:

Wow. Sucks to be me eh?

Thanks for the quick response though.

Veronica (author) from NY on August 30, 2010:


She broke up with you. There isn't too much you can do. It isn't that she's saying she's too busy, it's not about whether or not you should believe her and be patient or get the hint and move on. It's not just a hint. She broke up with you. Whatever excuse she gave you, whether it be that she's too busy or stressed, or something else, doesn't change the fact that she broke up with you.

The previously excellent relationship you reference is gone. It doesn't matter that she said she wanted that in the past. Right now in the present, she doesn't. She said she "doesn't want a relationship." Believe me, if she wanted to be with you, she would be. She wouldn't be too stressed or too busy to see you or be with you if she wanted to be with you. She does not want to be with you. She broke up with you.

Joey on August 30, 2010:

To flip this on its head: what do you do if you're a guy and your girlfriend says she's too busy? We've being going out for three years (living together for two) and she's just had to move home to Hong Kong (I'm in the UK) - she's been gone two weeks and has said she doesn't want a relationship since she's too busy/stressed.

I do want to keep the (previously excellent) relationship going and she said before she went that she did too - help?

Veronica (author) from NY on August 26, 2010:


You should definitely stop. If you are doing all the contacting, and he's saying things like you're adding to his stress, he's being pretty clear. Not wanting you around his friends, not initiating talk, seemingly pained to say I love you back if you say it... he is being very clear. I'm not sure why you're saying you don't know what to do. I think you do, you just don't want to. You're not endearing yourself to him in anyway being so over-available especially when he's pushing you away. Let it go.

Tara on August 26, 2010:

Hi Veronica,

I've been dating this guy for 3 years. He is really great and I love him very much. But he has recently moved to the city (2 hours away) and has been very busy. It's only been 4 days since he's moved, but he has yet to ask me about how my day has been or initiate any conversation with me. I have to text him or ask him to call me. He told me i'm adding to his stress, but i'm unsure how. I just tell him I understand and I hope things get less stressful for him soon. He had to move quickly because he got offered a great job, so he still has to find an apartment. So he truly is very busy. He told me he hasn't even had time to think about us.

Here is some backstory for you. We've been on and off for 3 years. But this time getting back together he told me he could see us getting married and that he was crazy in love with me and we should move in together. He has been very committed to me and i've felt so loved, but it has been dwindling. Since he moved home for the summer from university, we have been spending everyday together. We have gotten into a lot more fights because he says I don't care about him enough. Which is not true. We fight and then things get better and then I forget about what we fought about and make the same mistake over. So he gets annoyed. And he wants me to act better around his friends. I am quite shy and the friend I have most trouble with is a girl he had chemistry with while we were not together. So i can be awkward around his friends and he has given me chances to be around them and it hasn't gone so well. But i really do want to make this work and have thought long and hard about why I don't get a long with them and would love more opportunities to hangout with his friends. He just won't give them to me anymore. He has gone out many times this summer and left me at home because he doesn't want me to interact with his friends in fear it will turn out poorly. So he makes seperate time for us when he can. So before he left he said he wanted me to prove him wrong, that he does want to be with me, but that right now he feels like moving is a vacation.

I want to hear from him so badly. I miss him all ready. But he is acting the same way he did when he would leave for university. So distant. And then we end up breaking up. I don't want that and i'm not sure what to do to fix it. I don't know if i should not text or call him and wait for him to get a hold of me? Or if I should just keep trying to be nice and sweet.

I've tried to work something out, like coming down there for one night to see him. But he says I can't until he finds a place because he's staying at his friend's dad's extra apartment, so it's not his place to invite people there. Which I understand. But at least i'm trying to make time. Maybe I'm being to clingy?

All I want is for him to send a small text saying "i love you" or call quickly to tell me about his day. I really don't ask for much. It's only been 4 days so I should definitely wait it out. But i'm getting so paranoid thinking we're going to break up.

He says right now he doesn't feel cute or loving at all because he's so stressed. He doesn't even text "i love you" back after I say it. He said it once on the phone after I said it, but it sounded forced..

I'm unsure what to do or how to act. I don't want to be a crazy woman and text him all the time, but i love hearing from him. What should I do?

Veronica (author) from NY on August 21, 2010:

Miss Nice,

Actions speak louder than words. He can do all the "begging" he wants to. the fact remains he doesn't call. If he wanted to call, he would. I don't care how busy he claims to be. If he wanted to send you a text or make a 13 second phone call just to say, "I love you, good night" he would. Period. You're even saying he doesn't know what's going on in your life. I don't have any clue why you are trying to figure out how to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't know what is going on in your life, and doesn't even call. Let this go so you can be free of it.

Miss Nice on August 20, 2010:

Hi Veronica

I have been dating this guy for over 4months now. Communication was great at its earlier stages. He will call everyday. But this is not the case recently. He says he is so busy and cannot even make time for himself or his mother and sisters. He says he believes in the relationship and really wants to make it work. Everytime i threaten to quit he begs me to be understanding. My problem is he doesn't call. I cannot remember the last time he called me. I tried to play all cool and act like it wasn't such a deal but the truth is, he doesn't have any idea what is going on in my life, my own struggles or emotional needs. I am in grad school and im not clingy. All i want is a degree of care and atleast a phone call and not just words with no action to show forth. He has a daughter in Paris, whom he is making off time to go see this weekend because she is sick. Please I need your advice desperately. I will clarify on more facts if that is necessary.thanks Veronica

asiangirl on August 19, 2010:

hi veronica,

i read your response to me the second time and you mentioned to focus more on myself..thank you for that..yes i will do that..i enrolled myself in a gym and dance class..make my self fit..and when i told him that, he asked for my schedule..i told him it would be 5x a week..he said, he is proud of me for taking care of myself and that made him like me more..and he offered to buy me some gym dumbles so i can exercise while im in his place or if ever i miss going to gym..he encourage me to do tings on my own too..i think he realized i was beginning to be dependent on him..i know its not good, and it might turn him off..i remember before i met this guy, im so independent and can do whaterver i im going back to that attitude..and im thankful he is supporting me,..but i will also prove to him that my world not gonna revolve around gonna make him feel scared a lil bit too..sometimes guys tends to be a lil bit spoiled and concieted..ooopss, i forgot, he might read this comments..i think he is also browsing your site at this moment..:-)

thanks so much dear veronica..

asiangirl on August 19, 2010:

dear veronica,

thank you very much for your promt response.i really appreciate it..yesterday, i read from your advices here in this blog that women should be a lil bit mysterious and should not be available all the time..thats what i did..yesterday, i never text him or call him which is very unusual of me..and guess what, he txted me after he got back from work..he said he was worried he havent heard from me for the whole day and ask how my day was..then i took that opportunity to open up about my worries and concern about our relationship..i told him about i feel if he doesnt text or call me..and that i felt neglected and ignored, unimportant and not valued..he was speechless..he said he never thought i would feel that way..he explained to me how busy he is now..he said, i dont have to feel bad because he is busy with work..i should feel bad if he is busy with other things..but he is not..he is working and that is his priority right now..i told him about the distance is breaking us apart..he then asked me to come over to his house to talk about it instead of just talking over the phone..he said he will improve his communication things..and asked me to be more open to him and not just talk behind and complain behind his back..and advise me to talk to him right away..he asked me also to help him handling our relationship..he admits that he is not good with relationships since im his first gf(he is indian and theyre not allowed to date as per their culture, reason why he havent got a girlfriend until io came to his life)..he said he needs my help too to guide him through our relationship..i asked him if i was asking too much attention from him and if i was complaining too much.he said he understood my whining.and it made him feel important that i was so concern about our relationship..but told me not to be paranoid and stop being immature sometimes..and told me, he dont need to tell me all the time how much he loves and adores me because he shows it in many ways..well, yeah he does..maybe im just a lil bit paranoid and i worry too much that i miss those nice and kind things he do to me..he said he is not good with words and he is very shy in showing his emotions so as much as possible he just express those emotions in action..i told him that sometimes girls also wants to hear those sweet words..he said i had been a great impact into his life and that means more that an "i love you" that i want to hear from him..after the conversation, i felt relieved..i felt more connected with him emotionally and just trusted him so much..and i felt secure now..its really true that communication is very important in a relationship..all u need to do is just be very open to your partner, and u will get what u want..

thank you veronica for giving me such good advice..i told him about your blogs and he said he will check your site so he might get some ralationship tips from you too..:-)

my friends are also browsing your site as of this moment..bravo veronica!

Veronica (author) from NY on August 19, 2010:


If your man just wasn't good with phone communications, he'd be texting or emailing. It's a problem that you are the one doing all the initiating, unless you want to assume that role in the relationship. It does sound like you're both busy with work, but that fact alone is to me a sign that he isn't interested, or chasing after you. You're right - if he wanted to see you, he could see you. So, the fact that he's not doing anything about that, is a pretty clear indicator that you are much more into this relationship than he is.

Maybe he likes you, and doesn't mind getting together, but he is just no where near the head space you're in after only a few months of dating. Maybe he isn't into a long term relationship. Maybe he has other priorities in life. Maybe he doesn't want a commitment right now. In any scenario, he's just not into having the relationship with you that you are pushing to have.

I wouldn't say you are clingy, but I would say you have a problem. After only a few months, and no indication from this guy that he's looking to get serious, you're saying this makes you feel so bad. It's not OK that you've given someone that's not even trying to be your boyfriend that kind of power and that much control in your life. You need to just get a grip and focus more on yourself instead of on him. If you are this unhappy then maybe you should let him know that you don't want to get together anymore because you seem to be in a bad headspace right now. If, and it's a big if, he's really into you, he'll let you know and he'll chase after you a bit. But that's just side salad The real meal is that you need to focus on yourself, and being the person that makes you happy and feel satisfied and accomplished.

The words a man says aren't always as clear as the actions he's showing you. Listen with other parts of yourself to what he's actually saying.

asiangirl on August 18, 2010:

hi veronica,

i just loved all the advices you had given to all the posters in this site..i myself have a problem with a busy boyfriends too..we are dating for 3mos the begnning of our relationship everything went well..seeing each other 5times a week..3days sleep overs..we are so free to meet at his place since he have his own place..

by the way, we are both asians..from different race though..we met here in singapore for work..but we came from different countires..we are both working in the same a designer and he is an engineer(manager level)..since the project is finishing, it demands most of his time doing overtime and long hours of, we seldom see each other..2 sleepovers on the weekends(sat night and sunday night)..then during weekdays, we just text and call..but i usually do the initiating..he replies to my text..asking him hows his day had been..his where abouts...and im the one who calls him first..and that is driving me crazy!..i read here in the post that some men are not good with phone communication..well,he admits one time that he really is like that..but when we see each other, he is very sweet, caring, loving, affectionate and just the being the best boyfriend..but when it comes to texting, he sucks..replying my messages in short phrases..sometimes one word..that really irritates me..

now my problem is...i dont like this distance between us..considering that we are working at the same project...sometimes i see him at the site, sometimes not..its a very big site so sometimes we dont see each other that often..and we are just staying 15mins away from each other!..if he really wants to see me, then he could just ask me to come over his place and spend time with him after work..but he dont..but i never complained to him about this..i dont want to make him feel that im clingy and too independent to him..i know some stories about people break up because of the girl clinging and needing too much of the guy..its just that i miss him almost everyday that i want to spent much time with him..but he doesnt feel that way..he said he is very tired from work..well i think thats true since he is in managerial level, work demands most of his time and supervision..and if he see me after work, would that tire him more?..i dont think so..if he is tired, then i can cook good food for him and massage him..or just do something to relax him..i havent discussed this to him since i dont want him to think that im complaining to much or nagging him..i want to be a very good i avoid a lot of discussions though some are very important..but as much as possible, i tell him how i feel..but not too much..i just chose those things that needs to be discussed..

about my guy, he is just the nicest guy i ever met..very2x loving and well mannered..thats why i fell inlove with him too afraid to loose him..he is mature and stable and a good provider for his family..he got all the good traits i want in a man..he treats me very nice..cook food for stuff for me(though i dont ask him to), supportive with my career..just the almost perfect guy with out trying too hard to be one..

okay back to the busy bf issue..because of this busy life he currently have, i felt neglected and rejected..he isnt like that before..well he wasnt busy before..but if he really likes me, he should find time to be with me, right?

i need your advice veronica..i dont want him to treat me like that..i deserve much respect, love and attention..but maybe theres also something wrong with me..can u help me by answering this questions: u think im too clingy?..

2.should i confront him and tell him about this complaints?

3.or is it too early to discuss this with him yet?..

4.should i keep this guy or break up with him?

5.or does he needs more mentoring about relationship since im his first serious one?

tell me what to do..i would really appreciate it if you reply..thank you!

Mo on August 16, 2010:

I'm so glad I found this!! I am bookmarking this site and will come back to it every time I start to second guess myself and start to act clingy and needy. I realize that I tend to start acting that way when I begin to really like a guy and start questioning if he really likes me or if he is going to walk off (I've got some abandonment issues). Anyway, it was great reading this. I had talked with my sister about a guy I have been daiting for a little over a month. During this month we have gone out once a week, we talk/txt almost every day in between seeing each other, yet we haven't (or he hasn't) made any move to increase how often we see each other face to face. We are both busy, I have my friends and my hobbies and he has his. Our dates have been fantastic we both really enjoy being around each other and are very flirty with one another. I'm starting to really like him and am starting to want to see him more than just the one time a week. I'm at a place of if I'm not free asking him to join me in what ever plans I already have b/c I'd still like to see him. He on the other hand I don't think is at that place. He's not ready to shuffle his schedule or invite me to join him when he has plans with his friends (a lot of whom are females) and today told me that he doesn't know when he will have much more free time. I just replied with Alright have a good day. So, my sisters response to this was guys are like that when they are dating he just doesn't want to rush into a relationship. Maybe she is right... or maybe he is just being cautious and not wanting to get hurt again... But the point... it is ultimately up to me to decide if I want to stick around to find out if he will grow to want to see and be around me more and make time for me... or do I just want to cut my loses now and move on to make way for a guy who is ready to give me what I want and need right now. I know I will try the mysterious tactic and stop chasing him... B/c the chasing is not working for me and in my quest to try and prevent myself from hurt or being abandon I'm only making that happen.

Veronica (author) from NY on August 11, 2010:


If he's working on his Phd and you on your masters, you both need to be concentrating more on yourselves. If you brought insecurities into the relationship, that happens, and it's great that you've worked on them. But it is possible he's had enough and is done with this. It sounds like he's very clear that he's focusing on his Phd, as he should be, and he's not into trying to meet friends, have patience, or build a relationship right now. A big flag for me here is your statement: "he broke things off again, ...I'm just wondering if this is his way of saying it's over and he wants to move on."

The answer is yes. Clearly. Breaking up with you is his "way" of saying it's over. He's said it in many ways and deeds and words. Let this go.

R Choi on August 08, 2010:

Sorry, I'd like to add also...that in the last handful of fights leading up to the breakup he's shut down communication completely. He gets angry at the fact that I get upset (over things I feel I have a right to, such as him telling me recently he didn't want to get to know my friends), and would tell me he doesn't want any negativity in his life.

He used to be far more understanding, so I'm not sure if this a just the bad side of him coming out, or a product of this stressful time in his life.

Thanks again :)


R Choi on August 08, 2010:

Hi Veronica,

I really enjoyed reading your advice on many of these different situations, you sound like a very well-balanced, insightful, and mature kudos to you :)

I'd like to ask you about a recent break-up I've gone through. My ex broke up with me a week ago, and we had been going out for 1.5 years. He's doing his PhD and I'm doing my Masters, and we've both had a fair amount of experience in relationships. We both love each other very much. I guess I could tell easily just by the way he looked at me and tried to spend almost all his spare time with me. I have been more happy with him than any other, and him with me...but we've been struggling a lot in our relationship.

In the beginning, he gave me a lot of time and attention. Due to his PhD, about 6 months later, he had to go halfway around the world for 5 months. As time passed, he got busier and more engrossed in his PhD (leaving less time for me), and due to my insecurities, we got into a lot of arguments over this. Eventually it came to a breaking point where he broke up with me after he came home from Japan.

After that break up, I realized that I brought a lot of my own issues into the relationship, and I apologized and we decided to work on things again (this was about 1 month of being apart). He promised me that after his PhD (done in 2 more years), he would dedicate more time to me, and that this is the busiest he'll be in his life. While we started to try again, I also went to seek therapy to work on my issues. We still fought some, and I could see his patience waning. I felt like I was improving, and being less negative and bringing up less insecurities, he grew increasingly impatient and negative. At the same time, he was getting more busy with work, to the point that he worked from morning till he came home to me at 11 at night almost every day...and I stood by and supported him for the past few months that it's been this way (it was previously an issue I got angry with before).

We finally got to this point now, where he broke things off again, saying that we're very good together in many ways, but the ways in which we're not, he can't deal with now. Now I'm just wondering if this is his way of saying it's over and he wants to move on to greener pastures, or if he still loves me but is genuinely too busy to be in a real relationship ...through the ups and downs.

Thanks, and I'd really appreciate your take on my situation. I know it's really long, yet I'm sure I haven't written out all the nuances of our relationship.


Sarah on July 20, 2010:

I am so thankful I found this website.

I just broke up with my boyfriend two weeks ago but I've doubted my actions every since. My boyfriend and I dated for two years and were in a long distance relationship the entire time. When we were both in our undergrad, the distance didn't matter because we had the time to see each other every weekend, and we did a lot of romantic things. But after my undergrad, I went to grad school and things changed dramatically. I was constantly cancelling plans on him last minute, or saying that I could only come up for a day instead of the weekend because I was falling behind in school trying to keep up with our old routine. He said he understood but I could tell that he was having difficulty adjusting to our new circumstances. And because I would often cancel plans on him, to sit at home and write a paper, he'd make other plans (which was a normal reaction) but I had a problem with the fact that it was usually always with girls. That year he lived in a house with a mix of guys and girls, but when push came to shove, it always chose to do something with the girl in his house. Then after the school year ended, he moved into his parent’s house and re-kindled one of his high-school friendships with another girl. I found it so difficult to be hours away, sitting at my desk thinking about how he was out having fun with another girl, so I started telling him how uncomfortable it made me feel. He told me that he'd make some changes, like adding a guy to the mix, but also told me that he was not going to sit at home alone if a girl called him up and asked him to do something. Then, his family sold their house and they moved even further away from me. Because I was stuck writing my thesis over the summer, he decided to re-kindle his friendships with an old group of friends, which was fine except that one of his friends was an ex-girlfriend. This hit a nerve with me because throughout our entire relationship, I was constantly surrounded by his ex-girlfriends. I have always been the type of person who makes clean breaks from my exes so I had a lot of difficulty understanding how and why he maintained such close contact with them. And I started to find myself in so many situations with his exes that I thought were inappropriate. For example, there was one night where I drove up to his place to visit him, and during our dinner he informed me that one of his old highschool girlfriends would be coming over to his place that night too. Later that night I found myself on a dance-floor with him, his best guy friend and his old flame, and I went into the bathroom and started to cry. That night he told me that things would change, and he did make changes in some respect, but I, also, felt like every-time I told him how uncomfortable I was and how I wished he would stop talking to his exes, he made me feel as though I was asking him to cut off his left leg, and I could tell he was starting to resent me for it. I certainly didn’t enjoy being made to feel like a controlling girlfriend. Getting back to this summer though, just two weeks ago he told me that anytime I can’t come up and visit him, he’s going to hang out with his group of friends (which included his ex-girlfriend) and he told me that it is next to impossible for him to prevent it from happening because his family and sister are such good friends with her and her family. Well, I finally cracked – because I realized that we will never see eye to eye on matters concerning ex-girlfriends or girls, in general. I wanted him to respect my feelings, and he told me that he was hurt because he felt as though I didn’t trust him. But I am messaging you because I’ve cried myself to sleep every night since we broke up and I am starting to doubt my actions. My feelings for him are still so strong, and I really saw myself marrying him. He was my best friend. But I know we did get to a point where we both realized that we were just incompatible. But now that the anger has subsided and the tears and memories are flowing in, I can’t help but think I made a mistake. Do you think I made the right decision?

Veronica (author) from NY on July 20, 2010:


The guy Crystal is seeing is definitely into her. All she has to decide is if she likes being in a relationship with this flip flop of roles. (Judging from your last email Crystal, I would say you do! And I'm very happy for your 2!)

SueQ, you're right, you have a little more going on in your situation if he's only available once a month at this point. You shouldn't let your confidence feel shaken. He just may not be ready for a relationship, so he's enjoying his once a monthers with you. He may like being chased a bit, so that's helping to feed his desire. I don't think he's "stringing you along" since he isn't making promises he isn't keeping, etc. It just is what it is, and you're looking for more in it then there is. He's a friend with benefits. He's not your boyfriend. There's nothing wrong with having monthly hook up, or being the aggressor. The only thing that matters is how YOU feel about it. If this isn't the relationship you want to be in right now, then don't be in it. If you stop calling and he doesn't come after you, that's a very very clear sign that he is not interested in a relationship with you.

SueQ on July 20, 2010:

Veronica, thanks for directing me to the other Hub you wrote! Reading that did open my eyes to make me see that by contacting him first I've set the balance to make myself the chaser in this situation, which I never thought of before.

The only difference between our situations is that the guy Crystal is seeing seems to be available to meet when she asks, whereas my guy seems like he's too busy for me, which is what is really shaking my confidence in my case.

I don't mind being the chaser, but when he only has time to see me just once a month it makes me wonder if I'm chasing after someone who doesn't care. These thoughts go away when we meet, because like I mentioned when we meet the chemistry is still strong and present, but if this only exists when we meet is there something to be worried about?

I think I just want to know whether he is stringing me along towards a friends-with-benefits scenario or if he genuinely does like me but is really just too busy.

Veronica (author) from NY on July 18, 2010:


Does this other Hub that I wrote resonate at all with you?

SueQ on July 18, 2010:

Hi Veronica,

It's bittersweet to see so many other people in this situation all trying to figure out what to do, but I'm so glad I saw this site because I could really use your advice.

I met a guy about 4 months ago through an extracurricular activity at school, where I am a graduate student and he is pursuing a PhD in another field. I was the one to ask him out first and when we met up I immediately felt a strong connection with him.

Unlike other posters here though it was never the case where we saw each other a lot in the beginning and then things started to slow down. Actually, up until now, we never see each other more than once a month, and I am always the one having to call him or ask him to meet up.

When we do meet up there is strong attraction, and each time we meet it just gets stronger (more touching, more flirting, etc). However, between dates, I very rarely hear from him if at all. I try to call him once a week to catch up and see if he has time to see me, but even though we have a nice chat and he says he's happy to hear from me, he'll say he's busy with his research or job so he can't see me(he works 2 different part-time jobs too). Sometimes he would say we should meet on a certain day, only to call me the day before to cancel because he forgot he had previous arrangements or that he has lots of work to do. He'll usually sound guilty and propose to rearrange for another day or the following week, only for the same thing to happen again then.

I was starting to take all these things personally and so the last time we met up I asked him where he thought things stood between us. He said that he wouldn't define us as dating, given how little we see each other, and that he is actually not ready for a relationship right now with all his PhD and job work. When I asked him if he just saw me as a friend then, he said no, but that I'm at the very least his friend, but he is still attracted to me and likes to spend time with me. He also said that it wasn't like he was seeing other women, and that he barely even has time to see his friends, who - according to him - he constantly overbooks too. (This is true, because he introduced me to a few of his friends one time and they were teasing him about never having time to see them). He also added that his last relationship that just ended last year ended very badly and that it made him a bit of a commitment phobe.

At this point I don't know what to do. He is too busy for a relationship, but he says he likes me. On our dates I believe him because it really does show through everything he does and says. Between dates I find it hard to believe, because I feel like if he did like me he would still make time for me or he would call me.

I would like to take the approach and pull back from calling him. Do you think that is the best thing to do? Or is there no hope at all for this guy? I really feel he is a good guy that has good intentions but who seems to have time organization problems that go beyond me.

Thank you so much for your help!

Stars on July 16, 2010:

Hi Veronica,

Thanks for your prompt reply! I too have been bothered that we aren't at the same place. I'm currently in university but no matter how busy I am, he's of course busier since he's working. I have my language classes on Saturday mornings too. I do go out with my friends rather often too. I just wish we could spend more time like a day together which we haven't had the chance to do so in the past year. I have to admit that after reading many of your articles, I have been thinking whether I'm really ready for the kind of relationship I've been wanting. I do value his honesty with me. Nonetheless, I'm trying to change my focus away from him using these 2 to 3 weeks. I'm trying to let him set the benchmark for the level of closesness he wants in the relationship in the process too. Hopefully this way, I can first live as myself before living as his girlfriend.

Many thanks for your advice and I love your articles!

Veronica (author) from NY on July 16, 2010:


You and your boyfriend are not in the same place. You are very focused on having a future with him and having a relationship. And he is not. He's not at that place. He's being authentic with you. He is focused on his work and doesn't even know what his future is yet. He is not at all ready to have the relationship you want to have. He sounds like a good man who is taking alot of pushing and clinging from you. But you aren't seeing the situation clearly. He just isn't there, he isn't ready.

By the way, you didn't mention anything that is going on in your life at all. Work? School? Hobbies? If your only focus is on what someone else can bring into your life, then you have alot of work to do before you are actually ready for the relationship you're pushing for. Good luck to you.

Stars on July 15, 2010:

Hi Veronica,

I'm glad I stumbled upon this website and even saw that there're many out there in similar situation as me.

I've been in a relationship for nearly a year. However, it has been a rocky one. The first few months were sweet. Maybe because he was taking a course back then so he wasn't as busy as he is now. My boyfriend is a teacher who has to work 7-7, 5 days a week. Even on Saturdays, he has school stuff till afternoon and church after that. We don't touch Sundays since it's his family day. When we meet up now, he's always tired from work and become rather expressionless on the face. However, he's more expressive during make outs which he was admitted before that he's a more touchy person.

I feel I'm not the clingy type and I've been understanding so far. He's so busy that we can only meet once a week for sometimes, only an hour. Sometimes, we even meet once per two weeks. I've also accepted that he has a close female friend and I've also made the effort to know her better.

He's not that comfortable with texts and messengers. He prefers calls and meetups. Feeling that we both don't have much connections, I made a request for him to at least text me when he finishes work or reaches home. Nonetheless, he can still forget at times.

I've talked to him about the problem that he's always so busy and that I feel we both lead our lifes very separately when we don't meetup. I also brought up that we still only met once a week when he was having his school holidays because he was still busy with all sorts of things. I too brought up that he wasn't even there for me when my mother passed away. He was in charge of a school camp and didn't contact me much and only came to look for me once. I've also talked to him about having a future in this relationship but he couldn't give me a clear answer. He wants to pursue a degree first as he can't even see a future for himself in work without one. In spite of that, I can see a future with him. Somehow, he has agreed to give the relationship one more chance. He did call more often after that for 2 weeks and I was fine meeting only after a week plus due to that since it made me feel that we're more connected.

He's having army reservist currently for 2 weeks so the contact is minimal and I can understand that. I've also taken this chance to distance myself away from him as I feel that my world has always been revolving around him and I'm getting tired of it. As much as I love him and want to have a future with him, it's rather tiring planning my things around his schedule all the time.

I'm thinking of not initiating meetups for the coming 4 months to allow myself to catch some breath. In addition, to allow myself to analyse how much of closeness does he wants in a relationship since he seldom talks about his views. I've been afraid that if I do not chase after him for time, the distance between us will get greater till the point of no return.

Is there ways to get back to how sweet we used to be? Have I become too clingy or demanding? Am I lacking of understanding? Or is it just because we do not understand or know each other well enough? Am I being too hard on this relationship?

I would really appreciate your advice on this.

Many thanks!

Diane on July 12, 2010:

What a nice site to find. I actually am about as busy as the man I am dating, but (and there is always a but) after two months of nice quality time (usually a call every night and Friday night dates) we seem to have hit a wall. I am beginning to worry that in 10 years I will still be living alone with a Friday night boyfriend. He has been divorced for 4 years, but has only had one long distance relationship - so never introduced a girlfriend to his daughters or friends. They seem to have figured out I exist, and are basically taking over his life (which I can't say much about) and the worst is that it seems that after the divorce he continued to do holidays with his ex and her family (yes weird, but he has no living nearby relatives and is about as lazy ast the next guy in making friends). I am getting the feeling that I am like a mistress or something and I am not sure how to bring up the topic. The hard thing is that I really do like him.

Jayden on June 27, 2010:

Hi Veronica, i love this site and your advice is exactly what i needed to hear..!!

let's see im in a 7 month relationship with this wonderful guy that makes me very happy. we live about 45 minutes away from each other, so it makes it a little difficult to spend some time together specially now that he has two jobs and its starting college again.

i am a college student as well n work a part time job which mean i have more free time than him.also, may i add he is four years older than me. recently his schedule has become an obstacle in our relationship eventhough he tells me he wants to see me everyday is definutely not possible with our schedules and the distance. we do talk everyday text from mornin to 6 pm while we are work then talk ont he phone everynight..before he started school we saw each other 3. or 4 days a week now is more like once or twice. it makes me feel scared about the future , as in our relationship wont grow because we dont spend enough time with each other. i wouldnt consider myself clingy but i have been in the past and i admit it.not with him though).i tried to give him his space with this friends n not get mad about it because i like havin some time with my friends as well. after 7 months hes the sweeetest guy ..random texts im thinkin bout u.. i miss..( not i love you yet) but hes hinting he has to tell me somemething much he really likes me n stuff but "when the time is right" so waiting for that cant also,in 7 months we only have got into 3 fights ever, we never argue we r great together..met his family .he knows my family..met each others together....i still feel like theres a tiny wall there he was very hurt in his past relationship of 6 years almost got engaged til he found out she cheated (dat ended more than a year ago) ....i feel like hes taking this relatuonship really slow..because hes experience...i honestly allready love him definitely not ready to move in or marry or anything yet! but definitely think he could b the one..i know his busy schedule is temporary...maybe a year or so....shoudlnt i be more understandind n stick by his side??? i know he cares he shows me but is it enough to make this last?? wouldnt that make him care for me more knowin that he has an understandin woman by his side....( ughhh it just hard caus i wish i couldnt spend a lot more time with him...i have my own life..and friends n hobbies but i would rather be with him dan all that...n i dont feel hes the same maybe caus hes older n more i bein selfish?? he's the best bf i ever had and he possess all the qualities i want in a man. i can see myself marryin this guy one day ...but does he see it that way. only time will tell..but how do i learn to deal better with his busy schedule for now?

thank youu

lillie on June 27, 2010:

awesome sight

Veronica (author) from NY on June 10, 2010:


Say you have a son, and his chore was to mow the lawn once a week, and you gave him a weekly allowance as an agreement for his lawn mowing.

He doesn't mow the lawn, but you give him the allowance anyway.

Again the following week, he doesn't mow the lawn and you give him the allowance anyway. I would say, stop giving him the allowance. He's not holding up his half of this relationship. I would say, by giving him the allowance anyway, you are reinforcing that you don't care how you're treated, and obviously that he doesn't have to step up and realize he needs to put forth more effort in order to maintain this agreement.

And you're telling me, you would say no, that's "stupid and contrived."

Your problem isn't her, it's you. Why should she change when you prove to her constantly that she doesn't have to. You even think it's "contrived" to demonstrate that you have to be treated a certain way, in order for you to treat her that way.

There is a give and take in a relationship. You think it's "stupid" to show her in deed that things have to be 50-50, and you're not going to keep being there if she doesn't show an effort on her part to be there as well. With that mindset, I can promise you, nothing is going to change. Why should it?

Mike on June 10, 2010:

Hey guys,

its pretty amazing reading this website as a guy like me. If you swap his for her or she for he, my relationship is just like this.

The girl i have been seeing for the last couple of months is quite busy. Its particularly bad recently because i have had nothing to do for the last couple of weeks, that will right itself in a month or so when i start working but i don't think the root of this problem is in how busy she is versus how free i am. Certainly I often feel like im begging her to spend time with me, and i hate that. But I think she could compensate for how busy she is, (i recognize that her working is important and her doing things that make her happy is similarly so) by doing things that show me she cares.

I think i've made things too easy for her that shes started to just forget that she needs to put something into this relationship as well.

I don't want to just back off and make her come to me becuase that would be playing games with her, which i think is stupid and contrived. I've talked to her about it and she acknowledges my point of view but nothing seems to change. I'm not really sure how to go about fixing this, if it can be fixed at all.

I can honestly say i constantly think about her, which i doubt will change even when i do start getting busy. I will send her a text here or there whenever anything is worth sharing, but i rarely hear from her throughout her day or while shes out. She consistently tells me that she loves me but all of this has me questioning her.

any suggestions? I appreciate the help.

Veronica (author) from NY on June 06, 2010:


Your comment made my day. Thanks for taking the time to write it! I'm very glad you found some insight here.

Best to you.

Malaika on June 06, 2010:

I typed in " too busy to talk" & this came up, this the best article I've ever read, after reading almost all the comments here I ddnt have to write my own problem, a little of my problem is told in all the comments and the advice you gave is amazing just what I needed to hear, thank you Veronica for words full of wisdom.

Veronica (author) from NY on June 03, 2010:


Well, obviously based on the information you've given me I'm going to say break it off. Her impatience for your busy schedule over a very small period of time compounded with her already seeking out other guys, and commenting that you don't make enough money, all adds up to a big mistake.

But I want to add two things. One is that although you didn't share your ages, you're talking about school and academy so it seems you're pretty young. I really wish you'd focus on the busying events of this time, and your career and education, and if you have extra time to do anything, it should be to experience different things and enjoy being your age.

And the other thing I want to add is that I think you're leaving some of the components of the situation out. But that's ok. On some level I think you've figured out you're just not in the right place to have to be dealing with this kind of relationship shit. You don't need to place blame. You're allowed to just say this isn't working for me right now, and let it go.

Frederic on June 03, 2010:

Enjoyed the Article, extremely well written and composed. However, I do have a relevant question. Me and my girlfriend have been going steady for a year and a half. Recently my schedule has hit an all time high. I am "in the weeds" so to speak. I am still in school, so everything I am doing is necessary to further my chances of getting into the Academy I wish to get into. However, it seems as if everything that I need to do has fallen within a two month time span, and I mean everything. Every weekend, and most weekdays are filed with various crap. I have been patient with her when this happened to her last year, but now when I am going through the same experience, even worse, she says she wants more time, says I do not make enough money. She has been seriously chatting with other guys. I initiated a two week break and afterward we will see what is what. Do you have any advice on what to do? Should i break it off? Or take this long break? Or not exclusively date her? Oh, and by the way I see her everyday in school its unavoidable.

Thank You

Ashley on June 02, 2010:

Thanks for responding so promptly.

I agree that if he truly wanted to be with me he would find time. I just keep saying that to my friends or family, and they remind me that he is busy with everything else and that I am use to a guy who hangs out with me every single minute they got.

The past relationship I had was hard because it was sudden, and emotional. He spent 24/7 with me. And I loved that. But it just didn't work since he left me for his ex, who was pregnant with his child.

Part of me is saying, just ride it out and see what happens. The other part is like, he is not interested in you, why bother? But then again why would he text me every day. I am really torn.

I have been working on myself lately. I have been dealing with depression and family issues for the past 6 months. Myself is my number one concern.

I am also a Pre-Veterinary student so I have to focus on that more then this "fling", so to speak, with this guy. I actually think this guy balances out because I am busy and he is busy and between all that we find time to talk.

But I do agree with us not being on the same page. I asked him if he liked me physically or liked me for me and he told me he really really likes me, but he is extremely shy and doesn't know what to say or do.

Veronica (author) from NY on June 02, 2010:

Dear Ashley,

I don't think you're an attention whore (that was cute btw) but I can clearly see that you and this guy are on completely different pages. You are looking for a MUCH more clingy/committed relationship than he is. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that, I'm just saying you want and are ready for something much different than what he is willing to do. He sounds like he has a full life: job, house, remodeling, lots of hobbies.

The truth of this article applies, just not in a condemning way. If he wanted to spend more time with you, he would find that time. You need to be realistic about that. If you want more time and commitment than he is offering, move on.

As far as the sweet dreams and ok hon, you are projecting a need for clarity and closure onto this guy, most likely stemming from whatever it is that happened with the ex. You weren't alone for very long at all between relationships. Running from one relationship to the next doesn't make for a very stable or strong self.

I think you need to spend some time on your own. You can not be (or attract) a good partner, until you can be a great YOU. You used some wording and choices in your comment that really show you are insightful, maturing, and truly trying. I applaud that. Good luck to you.

Ashley on June 02, 2010:

Hello there,

I have been struggling with what to do lately. See there is this guy I met all but two months ago. He is a great guy, very nice and polite and sweet. The thing is he is ALWAYS busy. He works 10 hour days four times a week and has three day weekends. Usually we hang out once a week. Most of the time it is at his house and I felt like all we did was make out. So I cut the line and said that I am not like that and he agreed and said next time we will go on a dinner date instead. I was excited and thought I got through. Well this past weekend he seemed overly busy. Granted he does have his own house and is remodeling it. Also he has TONS of hobbies. Sunday he didn't message me at all until 11 pm and said he was so sorry he didn't get to message me earlier and that he hopes I am doing well and said goodnight babe. He always says goodnight babe to me. Most of the time with :-* Yesterday he didn't message me till late again and said sorry he had a long day but still said goodnight if I was in bed. I said I was going to bed and he said oh okay, sorry I bothered you and I said he didn't bother me at all and he said okay good hun. Then he proceeded to say sweet dreams and that was it. Is this guy overly busy or am I an attention hore? He told me he has not had a relationship in 5 years cause he is so busy. I like him but I don't want to fall for him because I am afraid I will get hurt.

I broke up with a guy 2 and a half months ago, only a couple weeks before talking to the new guy. The past break up was devastating to me, he broke up with me over a text message.

Any advice?

Orange on May 28, 2010:

Thank you so much for your honest answer. Most of the time we see the truth, but don't want to accept it.

By the way i did break up with him way before i sent you the message. I felt bad of me breaking up with him. I felt like I'm a bad person for breaking someone's heart. its good to know that he didn't even liked me to begin with. Therefore no need to feel guilty of it.

Veronica (author) from NY on May 26, 2010:


I'm really sorry to confirm what you're already thinking, but here it is. If you mattered to him he would have called you on Valentine's and your Birthday. He's exactly what this article is about. He's not that into you and his excuses are really thin and lame.

Why do you want to be with someone that is very clearly telling you he doesn't care about you and doesn't make any effort to be with you. Don't you want to be with someone that would at least call you on your Birthday?

Orange on May 26, 2010:



I've been dating a guy that I've been friends with for about 4 years. We started dating about 6 months ago. He forgot to call me on my birthday even though I've told him weeks before. neither called me for Valentine's Day.

We had a couple cancel dates because either he was sick a couple times, had a minor car accident(once) where he was at fault or he lost track of the time (once). That's what he told me.

He claims to be busy because of school (he doesn't even work). he doesn't call neither text me daily.

I talked to him 2-3 days a week, and see him 1-2 times a month.

I would love your opinion on this,

I love reading your comments by the way.

thanks Veronica


Lolo on May 22, 2010:

OMG! Veronica, you're my type of girl! Seriously people, if a guy / girl likes you, you become priority. If you find your partner's really busy and everything including flossing is more of a priority then they probably like you just not over enough.

So here's my situation. After years of wondering why men I date always want 'more time', what's wrong with once a week? 7months ago, I met a guy through a couple friend of mine I'm madly in love with and he's always gone on business. The universe has a sense of humour.

So he owns a huge business in the city and they're expanding to South America (legit, I checked).

In he's defence, I see that he truly is busy but in thinking I should still be made a priority over work, I've been playing the cool aloof, 'Mmm, maybe not Tuesday, how's friday thing' and I think it's working. When we do our once a week thing he automatically brings a change of clothes so he can stay the night and on mother's day a few weeks ago while I was helping him shop for a dinner he was making for he's family, he randomly, casually asks what I was doing that night and drops a 'why don't you join us for dinner'. Ahhhh! So I met the whole family and fell in love with him even more. Our couple friend who introduced us FLIPPED when they heard this cause apparently he's never done that and I'm usually reluctant to meet people's family. He left a few days later for 3 weeks to S.America and hasn't called. While I'm still basking in the gooie feeling of meeting the folks. Oh, before he took of I casually asked if he was seeing any other girls and he said no, not since we 'seeing each other' which was 7months ago. (He was gone for 2months) in the middle of that btw.

Anyway, here's my question, he's back in 2 weeks and flip flopping on what to do. I know he's going to call and say lets get together so, do I keep doing the aloof thing, and enjoying the little victories here and there secretly hoping we bump up the once a week thing (when he's in town) or do I just come out and lay it all out and be honest with how I feel. Which basically I love him. I don't want to appear clingy all of a sudden and think one of the reason he's comfortable with me coming to he's work functions and meeting he's family is cause of that, but then on the other hand, I really don't want us to still be doing this in 7months. Our once a week is really intense and we hug all night and talk into the night but I'm finding it hard knowing I probably wont see him for like the next week (while he's in town :).

Really long I know, so thanks!!!!

Elizabeth on May 22, 2010:

Hi Veronica,

I read 1/3 of the messages posted here, and your advice has been very wise. I have a similar problem as some of the cases posted above.

I met my boyfriend about 5 months ago when we were in Paris. We live in two different cities in Canada, 9 hours away by car, or 1 hour away by plane. He speaks French. I speak English. For the first 2 months, he was doing the chasing, we chatted on yahoo messager every day Monday to Friday (minimum 1 hour per day), and we rarely talked on the phone, maybe only 0.5 hours per week, either because he complained the phone gives him a headache or it’s easier for us to communicate via yahoo messager (easier to write than listen on the phone) due to our language difference.

Then he started a new job and gradually since then, he had very little time to chat with me on yahoo messager, and he rarely talked on the phone with me. He explained the new job is very demanding that every weeknight he is working late either for the new job or for the old job that he has to finish up the old project. Also the new boss becomes more demanding and always asks him to do a lot of ad hoc tasks. On the weekends, he is either working on the new job, or working on his scientific papers for his publication, or preparing lectures, or attending field campaigns or client meetings with his colleagues. At our 2 months anniversary, I flew to visit him. Since then, in the past 3 months, he promised it is his turn to fly to visit me, but every single weekend he is busy with this job or that paper, he keeps pushing it and pushing it, from April to May, and now from May to June. Even when I offered to fly to visit him, he would tell me he is too busy working days and nights that he won’t have time for me. On the other hand, I am a very busy and independent woman. I have a full-time demanding job that makes me stay late a lot. I run a social club, and I have a demanding hobby that keeps me occupied every weekend. Yet despite I am busy 7 days a week (days, nights, weekends), I am able to call him every other nights to say hi to him or drop him messages in yahoo. However, he never finds time to talk to me. He tells me that he is so tired after working such that by the time he gets home, he does not want to answer any phone calls. Recently he tells me he sits in front of the computer for too long that his back hurts so much that he needs to see physiotherapy. The part that upsets me is when I call him, 90% of the time no one answer the phone, 50% of the time is because he is not at home, and 50% of the time is he does not want to answer the phone. And he does not carry a cell phone, because he said too many marketing junk calls, so he cancelled his cell phone many years ago. My biggest concerns are: 1) lack of phone calls, 2) unable to see each other for 3 months, 3) should I stay or leave?

For 1) I have tried the ‘ignore him a few days’ trick. I tried not to write to him in yahoo a few days, and tried not to reply back when he wrote to me. Basically he just continued to drop a few messages as he would normally do, regardless I wrote to him or not. So I don’t think he noticed the difference? Maybe I have to ignore him for more than a week then to see if he would give me a call?

For 2) I have given him a deadline by certain date if you don’t see me, then it is the end. He promised he will try to fly to see me before the deadline but now he said he got work to do this weekend and that weekend, and he will try to fly to see me after the deadline. But to me, deadline is a deadline, I don’t want to move the deadline.

For 3) I think you hit the nail when you said “A man marry when it is the right time. A woman marry when it is the right guy.” Though I only know him for a short time, but I have this feeling that he is the right guy because he is a very honorable person and will be a good model to be the father of our kids. (I am not pregnant. I am just speak hypothetically). However it is clear to me that this is not the right time for him as he told me he needs to focus all his energy on his work, publication, so he can find a professor teaching career in the university. So he is spending all his time (days, nights, weekends) in research.

He wrote to me that it is stressing him out a lot because he cannot find time to spend on nourishing this love. But at the same time, I don’t understand why he cannot spare 20 min x 3 per week to talk to me on the phone. He does try to drop yahoo messages once or twice a week but it is usually very brief, ie., ‘hi’, ‘I am very tired’, ‘I love you’, ‘bye’ type of messages.

On one hand, I feel he is very important to me, because for the first time in my life, he is the first person I naturally willing to sacrifice many things for him, willing to move to his city if I could find a home-based job, willing to put him first before my career, willing to jungle my weekend’s hobby schedule for him.

But on the other hand, I feel my pride is stripped away by him not responding to my calls, and by him putting his career first, his family second, and me third.

I thought, if we are together, BOTH of us need to put our relationship first, in order to make it work, is that correct?

I want to stay to give it a try, yet I couldn’t bare the pain to keep waiting and cannot see him for months. I do want to give up, but I don’t want to give away someone I think it’s right for me. I cannot decide.

Veronica, any advice on 1), 2), 3), or anything would be helpful. Thanks for your insight!

charene on May 06, 2010:

wow,i like ur advice,veronica. Im having the same problem too and really need a advice! Me and my boyfriend had been together for 3 years+++... for the past 3 years,i've really treated him badly,I'm nagging him all the time and angry him over small thing. He will come and pamper me and make me happy. But things change after this january. he start talking to a girl online. I asked him why did he talked to her? He say,mayb because me and him is always arguing and he's really tired of it. We broke up after that,because I really can't srand it. Few weeks later,I asked him,does he want to together back with me,he say yes,he said that he miss me. So we together back and everything went on well. He still continue talking to that girl online. Im not happy about it,and I asked him why is he always talking to that girl,does he love him or somehting like tat. He say he don't love her,and treat her like a sister. So this girl have come sickness and always forget to drink a thing call "protein",which she must take it everyday. So,my boyfriend reminds her everyday. Why does he did that? he say he treat her as sister. I don't know whether should I belive him or not. Besides that,he is always busy,he have assignment to do,test is coming,gym and computer games. He will come and find me every tues and wed morning before school. But I want an outing,he says he will bring me out when the it's holiday. I'm really confused,if he really love me,why won't he sacrifice his gym for me? his time for me? and he just find me twice a week. Does he really love me or not? and I feel that he changed,he is not that last time him anymore. Last time,when im wrong and angry,he will pamper me. Now,when im wrong and angry,he will say that is my fault,im the one that started it. (ya,is true,i always questioned him about whether he is still in love with me or not,and i told him that i feel insecure and feel that he don't really love me... He will expalin to me and then he get annoyed,because im keep asking) Idk wat to do. help???


charene on May 06, 2010:

wow,i like ur advice,veronica. Im having the same problem too and really need a advice! Me and my boyfriend had been together for 3 years+++... for the past 3 years,i've really treated him badly,I'm nagging him all the time and angry him over small thing. He will come and pamper me and make me happy. But things change after this january. he start talking to a girl online. I asked him why did he talked to her? He say,mayb because me and him is always arguing and he's really tired of it. We broke up after that,because I really can't srand it. Few weeks later,I asked him,does he want to together back with me,he say yes,he said that he miss me. So we together back and everything went on well. He still continue talking to that girl online. Im not happy about it,and I asked him why is he always talking to that girl,does he love him or somehting like tat. He say he don't love her,and treat her like a sister. So this girl have come sickness and always forget to drink a thing call "protein",which she must take it everyday. So,my boyfriend reminds her everyday. Why does he did that? he say he treat her as sister. I don't know whether should I belive him or not. Besides that,he is always busy,he have assignment to do,test is coming,gym and computer games. He will come and find me every tues and wed morning before school. But I want an outing,he says he will bring me out when the it's holiday. I'm really confused,if he really love me,why won't he sacrifice his gym for me? his time for me? and he just find me twice a week. Does he really love me or not? and I feel that he changed,he is not that last time him anymore. Last time,when im wrong and angry,he will pamper me. Now,when im wrong and angry,he will say that is my fault,im the one that started it. (ya,is true,i always questioned him about whether he is still in love with me or not,and i told him that i feel insecure and feel that he don't really love me... He will expalin to me and then he get annoyed,because im keep asking) Idk wat to do. help???


Genevieve on April 27, 2010:

haha Oh my god reading that back I would tell myself to get a life! I am such a fool, how do i stop feeling this way?

Genevieve on April 27, 2010:

HI veronica, your advice has been great throughout this. I have never written on one of these sites before but I really don't know what

to do as I am going through a complicated 'break'/ break up I don't even know.

I have been with a guy for over 8 months now, he initially did the 'chasing' for 2 months prior to that.

First things first, he is 20 and this was his first relationship ever and my first real relationship where I fell in love.

I was an outgoing girl, I had my life planned out, very focused on my education and I knew what I want and i was extremely independent.

He is the frontman of a band, lives the rock and roll lifestyle, he drinks all the time, smokes, does weed.. (things that I was really against beforehand except drinking on a night out obviously)

We have never really been perfect, argued over little things but know that we really loved each other.

There has always been little things that annoy me lie he is late to everything, not just 10 minutes but like 2 hours late.

He would pick me up to go to his at 12 o clock at night, which became too much of a pattern. This is because this is his lifestyle.

You could say he is nocturnal, his friends don't really work so he is roun dthere all the time and they stay up all night,

and sleep all day and I mean till 6 pm, this is 'normal' to him, pulling an all nighter before college seems a better and easier idea to him them going to bed at 3am for example.

The thing is I am a morning person and a day person, I wake up at his at 8/9am and literally have to wait around trying to wake him up all day till about 4pm, by that point I will not have eaten a thing.

We don't go on 'dates' because he doesn't have much money and he actually owes my £330 which he has not paid me back since last october and I know he's embarrassed about it so I don't mention it often,

but when i see that he can afford weed and crates of beers it really irritates me.

SO then the thing is it feels like our relationship is only in his bedroom. When we are alone he is perfect and loving and caring, but when we are with other people it's a different story.

I knew he was a every outgoing guy, life of the party and all that, but it's just when we go out together to a party he is so afraid of looking like one of those couples who sits in the corner all loved up and don't talk to anyone that he acts as if I'm not even there most of the time and i have to pretend that that doesn't hurt me (not a good combination with alcohol haha) I have told him about this and said i feel like he is ashamed of me and he assures me that's not the case 'he just doesn't know how to act' But its been 8 months.

He lets me down a lot and I have given him too many chances, but he is the best apoligizer i have ever known.

I know exactly what you will say, I let him treat me this way.

The thing is I love him and I know he loves me too, but for some reason 'he can't do this relationship thing.'

Recently it has gotten worse, he has been really distant and I see him once a week if that. I spoke to him about it as it was getting me down, and he said it was because

he'd been doing weed every night and it was making him depressed, so he'd wake up at his friends at 5pm and want to stay with them because they cheered him up (whereas i would tell him to sort his life out haha)

and then he'd do it again that night.. so it became a pattern, a pattern where he'd let me down constantly and miss college and miss work. He is never home, it's like he can't be alone so if i ring him i feel bad cause he's busy with his friends.

And now he said he has stopped smoking weed but he is drinking every night.

The thing is I've needed him a few times, and told him and he says he can't come round because he promised he'd go watch the match..thing is he doesn't support that team, just his friends do :/But he will never let his friends down.

We tried to take space and he said he couldn't bear it, it was horrible etc etc. He said he doesn't know why he can't be a good boyfriend and do this relationship thing, but he wants to work it out.

But I can't understand why it took him 8 months to figure this out.He says that he wishes we went back to the beginning and changed where it all went wrong, and that we'd stop blaming each other for things and just enjoy the time we have together.

It's just that's hard to do, I can't just let him walk all over me, but then again I guess i have done.

I wouldn't see myself as clingy, especially with anyone else I was always the independent one but they way he is has broken me and made me feel insecure about everything. Is that my fault, am I just too high maintenance and needy?

The thing is all i ask for is a normal relationship, where I see him 2/3 times a week and for him to be there if I really need him. And for him to actually want to be a team and a couple when we go out, is that to much to ask?

Normally if I am annoyed with him he will keep calling me and texting me, but this time its different, I have forced myself not to contact him cause that usually worries him,

but he hasn't contacted me either. This is really strange of him. I told him I'm done fighting for him, and competing with alcohol for his attention, he need to figure out what he wants, and if that's escapism then let me go but if it's me and reality then he's going to have to fight for me because I'm exhausted.

I told him to work on him, I just can't watch him throw his life and dreams away. Am I wrong ? Is it normal to drink excessively every night when you're nearly 21?

Is he over it, or is he trying to play hard to get? I was thinking of going to get my stuff from his this weekend when he's not in.

I just don't know what to do, I know we're young and first time love and naivety and all it's just I don't know if I'm ready to let him go. Even though I know this isn't healthy or good for either of us.

I know he loves me in his own way and he thinks that he needs me and he's this little lost boy inside, I just can't deal with this hard cool nonchalant rockstar exterior he tries so hard to portray to everyone.

Can you tell me, am i crazy? Or has this craziness just been crystallized from a messed up guy.

What should I do, because this is really affecting my exams this week, I really don't need it.

I'm not going to go for the dark twisted musician type again, that's for sure!

Veronica (author) from NY on April 26, 2010:


Thanks so much for your comment. I answered your relationship question in your own HUB -

I moved your comment over to there. I really hope you will go check it out and let me know what you think.




jennybell on April 11, 2010:

thanks hunny i will be safe and smart .

Veronica (author) from NY on April 10, 2010:

Jennybell - that information changes my take a little bit, hmm... he's definitely into you, especially if the unavailable thing "worked." However, I still think he's playing you, and you need to be smart and safe.

Trapped/Confused - How is it that you think he's not using you, if he has a girlfriend, and has no intentions of leaving her?

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