3 Huge Tips for Getting Rid of Unhealthy Expectations in a Relationship

Updated on June 2, 2018
Do you have unhealthy expectations in your relationship? They could be causing a lot of strain!
Do you have unhealthy expectations in your relationship? They could be causing a lot of strain! | Source

"When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are."
Donald Miller

What do you expect out of your partner?

Too much?

Too little?

When you have unhealthy expectations, your relationship can be unhealthy too. For instance, I know many people who don't expect anything from their partner, and guess what - they get nothing. No love, no compassion, no support, and no traits that a healthy relationship has.

On the other hand, I know some people who expect too much from their partner, and those people always feel let down in their relationship on some level. That's because their partner can never live up to their expectations!

It is important to find a balance and expect realistic things from your partner and your relationship.

Following are a few habits that you can build, which will help you create healthy expectations for your partner and your relationship.

1. Do Not Blame Your Partner For Your Own Emotions

Do not blame your partner for your emotions. It's not fair.
Do not blame your partner for your emotions. It's not fair. | Source

There is one universal truth in this world: No matter what happens, no matter what other people do, no matter what other people say, and no matter what goes wrong, you are the only person responsible for your thoughts and your emotions. Nobody has the power to make you feel a certain way no matter who they are or what they do. You choose to feel the way you feel by the way you react to the situation.

This is why two people can react completely different to a situation. One person may feel hurt while another person may feel thankful. It all boils down to how you choose to view the situation and react.

Your partner has no power over your emotions, and when you blame your partner for your emotions, you are being selfish. You are making them feel as though everything they say, do, or feel, has to modified so that it doesn’t hurt you, and that is just not fair to them. It does not allow them to be the person that they are meant to be.

For example, if you had a bad day at work, you may expect your partner to be loving and gentle with you when you get home. But if they had a bad day at work too, they may be in no mood to be loving and gentle.

When they don’t act the way you want them to you may say, “You are making me feel even worse than I did at work!” In actuality, though, that is not true, you are simply making yourself feel worse because they didn’t do what you wanted them to do.

When you can step back and see that you are the master of your own emotions, you will be able to really allow your partner to be their true selves without blame and guilt, and you will be much happier in the long run.

So, don’t expect your partner to act a certain way or do something you want them to do. And even if you do, don’t let your emotions and behaviors be guided by what they do. Make it a habit of choosing appropriate responses for whatever they do so that you and them can feel good.

2. Remember That Your Relationship Is Not Like Other People’s Relationships

As long as you fit into your own frame, and you are happy, you don't need to be like other relationships.
As long as you fit into your own frame, and you are happy, you don't need to be like other relationships. | Source

Just as you are unique, your relationship is unique. If you compare your relationship to other people’s relationships, and expect your relationship to be like their's, you are in for a whirlwind of pain!

There are a few basics that every relationship should have. These are things that you should expect in your relationship.

  1. Respect
  2. Happiness
  3. Boundaries
  4. Good communication

However, how you achieve those things may be completely different than the next person. For example, you may be a different religion than the next guy, so you believe that your relationship (and respect etc.) should be conducted in a completely different manner.

Nido Qubein is a motivational speaker, and he says that, “Winners compare their achievements with their goals whereas losers compare their achievements with those of other people.” This can really apply to your relationship!

Your relationship’s goals should be to thrive, find happiness, grow closer, or whatever other positive goals you set out for it. Your achievements in your relationship should be compared to your goals, not to other people.

People who are unsure of themselves and don’t beat to their own drum compare themselves with other people. They are not living their own happiness because they are too busy trying to figure out what the definition of happiness is by watching other people and trying to imitate them.

So, get in the habit of improving your relationship one step at a time, and when you reach a goal, celebrate it! Stop looking at other relationships for your success.

3. Be Realistic About Your Partner And Relationship

Don't try to change your partner into someone they are not. Let them be themselves.
Don't try to change your partner into someone they are not. Let them be themselves. | Source

You cannot expect your partner to be someone they are not, and you cannot expect your relationship to look or feel a certain way to you.

For instance, if your mother was amazing and did all of the chores, worked a full-time job, and took care of the kids, you can’t expect your woman to be like that.

Or, if your father worked his ass off and made millions of dollars and bought his wife tons of presents, you can’t expect your man to be like that.

You can’t label your partner according to the fantasy that you have in your head. If you do, you will be disappointed.

Your relationship is going to go where it goes, and if you develop good habits in the relationship then it will head towards a happy and healthy place, but it may not head in the direction you expect.

So remove expectations from your partner and relationship. There will be a lot less stress on your part, and your partner will feel the relief of it as well.

Examples Of Unhealthy Expectations You May Want To Remove

It is my partner’s job to make me happy: Your partner cannot make you happy, only you can make you happy. Everything in life has no meaning until you give it meaning, and if you label things as negative, wrong, or whatever – then you will not be happy no matter what anyone else says.

Everything should be about me on some level: If you expect that everything your partner does or says should incorporate you on some level, then you are putting an unhealthy expectation on your partner. You will feel bad when they do not make it about you, and they will feel pressure to always make everything about you.

We should be interacting in this type of way: If it works for you, then it works for you. Just because your mother doesn't think you should have a relationship that is long-distance and that seeing each other every day is better, doesn't mean that a long-distance relationship won't work for you and make you happy. Let go of expectations of how it should be, and pay attention to whether or not it feels right for you. If it doesn't, do something about it, but if it does, then allow it to be what it is.

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • Relationshipc profile imageAUTHOR

      Kari 

      4 years ago from Alberta, Canada

      @nell: I've been that someone before! It really sucked to be in that state of mind, both for my boyfriend and myself. ;) It feels much better to be responsible for my own happiness.

    • Nell Rose profile image

      Nell Rose 

      4 years ago from England

      There is one bit that totally caught my eye, and that was when you said your partner should not be the one take make you happy, that is so true! I know someone who expects her husband to do everything, and make sure she is happy, if he does something wrong or doesn't make the effort at that time she goes nuts! I have told her a dozen times, but no it makes no difference, great points! nell

    • Relationshipc profile imageAUTHOR

      Kari 

      4 years ago from Alberta, Canada

      @Janelle and Pamela: Thanks!

    • Pamela99 profile image

      Pamela Oglesby 

      4 years ago from Sunny Florida

      I fully agree that happinesss is an inside job. You cannot change anyone else, but you can change yourself, your attitude and your responses to another person. This is what I have learned over the years, and your hub expresses some excellent tips for healthy relationships. Voted way up!

    • Janellegems profile image

      Janellegems 

      4 years ago from United States

      Excellent Hub. Expectations that remain unspoken and not discussed bring conflict in relationships. Thanks for showing us these unhealthy expectations, how to get rid of it and what healthy expectations look like. Voted Up!!!

    • Relationshipc profile imageAUTHOR

      Kari 

      4 years ago from Alberta, Canada

      Thanks for always commenting MsDora. I appreciate it.

    • MsDora profile image

      Dora Weithers 

      4 years ago from The Caribbean

      You give good counsel on realistic expectations--to thrive, find happiness, grow closer etc. I like your Donald Miller quote too. Thank you.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, pairedlife.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://pairedlife.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)