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Cheating From the Perspective of the "Other Woman"

The Cheating Husband's "Other Woman"

One of the most interesting aspects of an illicit affair is the perspective of the "other woman." Most of us have a hard time feeling pity for the woman who plays the role as the "other woman" in an affair. Many wives choose to blame her for the affair, rather than the unfaithful husband.

For example, in a recent interview Elizabeth Edwards spoke of the mistress of her husband, John Edwards, waiting in the wings to take what was hers. While it was obvious that Mrs. Edwards felt betrayed by her husband, she subtly attacked Ms. Hunter for being available. Of course, all of us as women want to put the blame on the other woman rather than the man we love, even if all trust has been broken and our hearts and lives have been betrayed.

What I have heard women say a few days after discovering that their husbands have been unfaithful reminds me much of siblings who fight among themselves, but will defend one another against everyone else.

We seldom hear the story from the point of view of the "other woman." Why did she become involved with a married man? What did she expect? What were the benefits of being his play partner?

What Most Attracted the Other Woman?

What attracts the other woman to a married man is as varied as the people who become involved in affairs. Some of the responses may surprise you.

  • He's married --- no attachments.
  • He has money.
  • He has power.
  • I love older men (even if they are married?)
  • He flirted with me and he's hot.
  • I did not intend to get involved. It was supposed to be a one time thing.
  • I wanted to have sex with him.
  • For the hell of it. I don't know his wife.
  • It was love at first sight. (or so she thought)

There are other reasons or excuses, including "I didn't know he was married." But, even when the unknowing discovered that her new flame was married, most continued the affair.

What Was the Bait?

According to most of the "other women" I have interviewed, the men treated them "special." One insisted that the married man treated her better than the average single man she would have dated. According to these women, a married man is more likely to treat them "like a princess".

In retrospect, many of the women stated that the man would take her to better restaurants, buy her gifts --- often very expensive if the men were older or financially sound --- and almost always try to fulfill her wishes, regardless of what she asked.  During the courting stage, according to these "other women" life could not have been better.

Most married men, by the time they decide to engage in a relationship outside the marriage, have become familiar with their wives at their best and at their worst. They have seen their wives with and without makeup. They have seen the bad and the good. Yet, with the "other women" the man has only seen the good. He has not been around her long enough to see the down side. And, there is always a down side.

The men have a tendency to consider the "other woman" as his fantasy woman. One of the women reported that her "keeper" (her word) had insisted on breast enhancements and collagen for her lips.  He demanded that she wear 5" heels with her jeans as well as her dresses.  And, she had to have her hair (drapes and carpet) dyed auburn. 

When they were going out, he would select what she would wear and occasionally suggest that she apply more makeup.  If she protested about too much makeup he would remind her that her job was to concentrate on making him happy. Of course, she had no distractions, such as kids or cooking dinner, when she was with the man. Her total effort was to keep him attracted to her and to make him happy.

Of course, over time the glamour fades. To quote Shakespeare, "Familiarity breeds contempt."

The Kiss is the Pitfall

Most prostitutes will tell you that they never kiss their "marks" or "johns" on the lips.  The kiss is the most intimate of emotional experiences. 

Prostitutes will engage in almost any sexual act with a man without any feeling of attachment.  However, a kiss is too personal and can lead to emotional attraction as well as physical attraction.

Unlike a prostitute who can keep the man at a distance by refusing to kiss him, the "other woman" is all to ready to share kisses.  This is the pitfall to the emotional detachment that most expect from a one night stand.

While most wives will ask their husbands, once the affair is discovered, about the sexual acts the husband and other woman shared, few will ask about kisses.  Yet, the shared kiss is the driving force behind the emotional attachment the husband has formed with his new lover.

What Makes the "Other Woman" Tick?

Of note, many of the women I interviewed had either been sexually abused as children or had low self-esteem for one reason or another. It must be noted that many girls who are sexually abused early in life become extremely promiscuous during their teenage years and as they mature. There is little value put on relationships with men and these women often show little respect for established family units. Sex is a tool of manipulation for these women to gain what they want or to fill a need that cannot be filled.

Men on the prowl are prime targets for these women as the women do not go into the affair asking for or expecting (in many cases) an ongoing relationship.

The Life of the Mistress

I have been lucky enough to interview three women who were actually mistresses or kept women for at least five years, some longer.  And, I have had the opportunity to talk openly with and question women who were involved with married men for short, yet destructive affairs.  Of the three who were involved in "kept" relationships with married men, the men were all rather wealthy and older.

Each of these women told stories that were very similar. The affair started as a dinner with an older man. Other dinners followed. The older man often took the younger woman to museums or to other places as a way of introducing her to culture. In this role, the man was a father figure and a teacher.

The man would purchase expensive gifts, eventually offering to "keep" the woman, renting an apartment or in one case buying a house for the woman.

The excitement of the forbidden fruit lasted between three and six months following setting up house. Sooner or later, the women were seen at less than their best. The men began to be too comfortable with the women, showing signs of taking them for granted.

One woman stated that she realized six months into the relationship that she had sold herself into slavery. She was "on call" twenty-four hours a day. According to this particular woman, all her friendships and other relationships suffered once she became a kept woman. On more than one occasion when she would have a night planned with friends, "he would show up and what could I do? He paid the bills."

Holidays, particularly Christmases and birthdays, became almost unbearable according to two of the women. One would spend days and weeks decorating for Christmas, only to spend it alone.

The other said she would dress for dinner on her birthday, expecting and having been promised a big night out, only to spend the evening alone looking at the clock on the wall. "If he arrived at all, it would be close to midnight. I would want dinner. He would want sex. Since he was paying the bills, it was sex."

After seeing and interviewing these women for almost a year each, I can only say that the early benefits --- the gifts, the flirtations, the trips and even the apartment or house --- lost their appeal within a year. These women were lonely, depressed, possessed no self-esteem, and as one stated, "I have no savings. He dies and what happens to me?"

How Did It End for the "Other Woman"?

Of all the "other women" I interviewed, only one had married the man she lured away from his wife. The marriage lasted less than two years. She caught him cheating on her and kicked him out.

Some of the others were still "waiting for him to leave his wife." One was waiting for "his kids to graduate college." Of course, she had waited for them to graduate high school. I bet she is hoping they do not go to graduate school!

One "other woman" had been dumped by her lover after six years of being his mistress. He had forced her to move out of the house he had bought for her to live in. When I first met her she was a recovering alcoholic. She said she never drank before they met. He introduced her to wine. On nights when he would not show up, she would drink the entire bottle by herself. Eventually she began drinking with breakfast. It became a problem the man could not handle in addition to lying to his wife and paying two mortgages. He ended the relationship and gave her enough money to return to her hometown.

Not one story had a happy ending. Some were not quite willing to throw in the towel and give up. And, a few stories had not only unhappy endings but tragic endings. The saddest part of all the stories is that all the women were intellectually smart and emotionally scarred.

When asked, "What would you tell someone thinking about going out with a married man?" each of the women I interviewed would tell any other woman to not take the first step, to never go out with a married man.

One suggested that "we all want to do what we want to do.  We just do not realize the consequences for ourselves, the men, and the worst part is for their kids.  If I were his wife, I would have killed me."

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

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June549 on June 02, 2018:

Wow. You sound like a jaded wife. Comparing the other woman to prostitutes, saying she’s only with him for gifts, has issues, and the kicker- she lured that dumb, innocent, sweet husband away? Give me a break! Men don’t just cheat unless they are narcissists. Why are the only marriage vows that matter “foresaking all others?” What happened to love, honor, and cherish? Why are all wives victims? Life isn’t black and white like you paint it to be.

My brother should’ve cheated on his wife and maybe he could’ve gotten divorced sooner. There’s so many women who play nice and sweet until after the honeymoon. Then they turn into neglectful, cruel creatures. They marry these men to get them to financially support them and that’s it. Most of these guys that get stuck are nice men for a little while. Sometimes it takes another woman to come along and give them the strength to leave after being beaten down by their emotionally cruel wives.

Also, the man who cheats is the one responsible not the woman he tells that he loves, wants to spend his life with, and begs her to please just wait a little bit while he sorts it out. Get off your high horses.

A nony mouse on March 07, 2018:

Teresa,

doubtless, some women do set out to be mistresses, probably because they do not want a full-time relationship or because they do not want the tiresome responsible bits of a full-time situation. No, I do not have much pity for them either, if they want that sort of relationship they should engage with the polyamorous or tantra communities out there, where everyone knows the score.

However, many mistresses are simply the victims of men that tell them a pack of lies. My ex-husband left myself and our 10-month-old child for his mistress. Whilst they were having their affair, she phoned one day and I picked up. I asked her to stay away from my husband as she was breaking our family up. Her reaction was how dare I tell her what to do. She made out that I was the reason he was having an affair. At that point in time, his computer was under surveillance, so I knew exactly what lies he was telling her, but obviously, I could not tell her exactly what I knew. I just said I do not know what lies he has been telling you, but he is married to me and we have a child. She said what I said was harassment and that she would complain to the police, I told her to be my guest, as she was the one phoning my home and having an affair with my husband the police would probably think her an exceptionally stupid tart.

Just over a month later my ex-husband walked out to be with the other woman. It did not work out with her, she did not want him. He came back on the pretext of collecting some of his stuff and then he started to say he wanted to try again. There was no way I was having him back, he was not happy with this and tried to run me over. I am well out of it.

The funny thing is, that after I kicked him to the kerb, the mistress phoned to ask me to take him back, to stop him pestering her. I told her that there was no way I was taking back that lying, cheating, scumbag and as she had been only too keen to be his mistress she would have to deal with the consequences of her own behaviour.

I know that he told her a pack of lies. While it was horrible at the time and it is difficult bringing up a child alone, in a way she has done me a favour in getting this scumbag out of my life. Since then the police have informed me that he has served time for his behaviour towards his new wife and family So altogether a lucky escape for me courtesy of the other woman.

The other woman will be naive enough to accept the guys lies, pity her. There just might be some unexpected karma coming their way!

Teresa on March 02, 2018:

Just reading the comments am i see one person has the balls to say no one thinks of the other woman as a victim!

BULLSHIT! Ive been with a man for over 2 years, he is the love of my life. Ive recently found out that for a few months he was seeing another woman. She started talking to him, he fed into it.

Do I think of her as a victim? Fuck no! This is a woman that walked herself into my life and started fucking around with a man she knew was in a relationship! Did she even think of his home, family, me when she started talking to him? Fuck no!

Did she probably laugh at me? Probably

The other woman/man is not a victim. Amd there are no accidents when it comes to cheating.

You did it! You mean to do it! You gave no care for the person at home cooking, cleaning, taking care of your kids, cooking you food and sleeping in your bed!

Anje on February 20, 2018:

It is said that most of the people even donot want to consider the fact that there are times that such 'other women' also falls as a victim. Who had been put upon with false hope with the guy, who had been lied too and who had no intention of stealing other womens men, but they are made to realise that the guy is soon going to end the relationship and is just looking for the "right" time. It is sad that the other women is always considered as a slut rather than a women who had been tricked by the guy as well.

Lynne69 on February 07, 2018:

Cheaters never win!

On August 10th 2017, I received a phone call from a woman who said she had been seeing my now ex for a two months.

She knew all about me and didn’t care.

I told her she could have him; she said she doesn’t want him either. (LIES)

My ex stalked me at work and home and called me constantly, eventually we decided to work it out.

This must have infuriated the woman and she cursed me to no end. Calling me all kinds of b*tches.

She was upset because we were trying to work it out.

She continued calling my phone, so I changed my number.

She tried to get back into his life by coming to visit and telling him she had cancer.

Who would turn away a dying woman?

I decided to end the relationship after trying with him and not feeling the same towards him. I tried but I could no longer trust him.

The woman died in January 2018.

I had to ask God to forgive me because I, at first, didn’t care.

I did feel bad, and hope her miserable soul rests in peace.

He went to the funeral.

We are no longer together, so in a way she got her wish to break us up.

I have been blessed to meet a really nice man and we have dated since November 2017.

My ex is miserable.

You reap what you sow.

ArthurAdamsDent from Winnipeg, Canada on December 10, 2017:

I would rather think feelings of the family's destroyed by the selfish decisions of people who make a conscious decision who betray those same families

HaniP on October 23, 2017:

One suggested that "we all want to do what we want to do. We just do not realize the consequences for ourselves, the men, and the worst part is for their kids. If I were his wife, I would have killed me." Bullshit. Every whore, man or woman never gives a fuck about the innocent party

Living with the enemy on August 25, 2017:

I am married to a worse jerk. Who when I asked for sex he pulls out acondom from his wallet. Had the nerve to show me a box of condoms. Now that he looks like crap, he hangs around the house!!!

Carol on August 23, 2017:

I completely blame my ex husband for the two affairs that destroyed our 24 year marriage and family! He disgusts me as both affairs took place inside our marital bed, GROSSE! He even bragged about no protection and allowed my 9 year old son at the time to tell me! Good riddance LOSER!

Sarah on June 16, 2017:

A. I never lured a man away from his wife. I didn't try to contact him at all when he was staying with her. He showed up on my doorstep after she kicked him out and said he was bothered I didn't try. I told him I have more self respect than that and don't help men be cheaters

B. He never bought me expensive gifts or treated me like a princess.

C. He wasn't older

D. I wasn't his mistress, a fling, a friend's with benefits or etc. I told him I didn't do stuff like that because it's beneath me.

E. I didn't think Id win him at the end because I don't compete in relationships.

F. We were both separated. I don't date married men.

Summer on March 21, 2017:

I'm married to the love of my life.....He broke my heart and continues to d so. Yes it is hard sitting back and just letting it happen. For awhile I had no idea it was happening. Not until he got sloppy. There has been 3 women maybe more to have been at my door. For another woman to come to my home , it messed with my security and sense of peace. One woman had no idea my husband was married and the other 2 women was well aware he is married. Its sad, both women to this day do not care that he is married. I was at work when i saw on the camera this crazy woman was knocking at my door while I was at work. Yes I am torn, she obviously has had bad relationships, why make mine worse? She told me she doesn't care and she will continue to screw my husband. My husband has always denied it. I have found so much evidence..and not because i looked...its because he has gotten lazy and left things laying around.. and he comes home late nearly every day. On his days off he is never at home for the entire day. I guess I wanted to hold on to something that I need to let go. I am and will forever be a great catch. I ask for nothing and need nothing from him...obviously they need him... Both women( the ones I know about) have nothing, and both are barely making it....He refuses to leave the home, knowing he is wrong and has done me wrong. We have a great life! No bills, kids are all grown up and thriving...we can go on trips without thinking about the cost. All I can say is I love him and I am getting stronger every day as I move through this drama. I am hurt beyond hurt. How can he? How can they? Why did he? I was mad at the women because they knew about me and still didn't care about me. Why should they? I always felt that people had a conscious about hurting others, but some don't and I truly thought my husband wanted Me or just Us. Well he did this to our marriage, not those women. He could have walked away from them, but he chose not to. I am walking away, I have been walking away, slowly but surely trying to get my peace back....I'm walking away.....I have to. If I don't walk away he will forever have the power to hurt me. I have to love me more and respect Me more...someone has to do the right thing. On this day, I pledge to always love me first. I decided I am leaving and leaving for good.

Levertis Steele from Southern Clime on January 29, 2015:

Some Johns decide to keep their prostitutes with the promise to pay and shower them with enough to keep them from seeking others for money. Prostitutes and kept women are basically looking for the same things. What, then, is the difference between the two? They both perform for money. Isn't a kept woman, or mistress, a full-time prostitute?

sophie on September 29, 2014:

my case is rather complicated. Am 35, divorced with 2kids and met this man 6 mths ago who 1st said he was separaated from his wife, on further enquiry he told me he had another lady who bore him 2 kids but married her according to traditional rites. apparently it was this that brought his real marriage to an end. we started dating and earlier on he gave the impression that he was no more in love with the lady he married traditionally but wanted me to be his mistress. he lives alone after his separation from his wife and gave a house to the other lady so he visits occassionaly thereby giving me full access to his home. he doesn't hide me from anyone, am known by his friends, family and associates. we live in different towns but he wants me to be in his house all the time without conssideration for my business. he also wants me to be exclusive with him even though he still goes to me the other lady and spends the night leaving me all alone in his house. I do nott feel any remorse for being with him and do not give any consideration to the lady that ruiined his marriage or even want to accept that she is his wife. what I feel for him also is not so much love like that but a way to get back to that lady that ruined his marriage and now wants to take the position of a wife. it hurts me that she could do that especially for the fact that she worked very closely with the couple before resigning to start being the man's mistress to the point of having children aand ruining a marriage of 20years with 3 children.

there is no doubt this man loves me, but I am not sure to what extent he can go with me, he keeps going baack and forth, speaks bad of the current wife today, behaves another way tomorrow, use her kids as excuse to keep going to meet her, he wants me to be his wife today, tomorrow marriage does not appeal to him bla bla blam he cant seem to make up his mind while ensuring am for him alone by checking me up every hour,wanting me to be with him 24 7 etc.

I do not know what to do, he has not made any moves to start divorce with his separated wife, d 2nd one that ruined his marriage is also hanging on to him, where does that leave me? am thinking of making myself less available to him, dating other men and just keep my options open.

Matt Jordan from Gulf Coast on August 06, 2014:

Arrange your relationships so that you cannot be cheated on and cannot cheat. Agree that each of you are autonomous from the start. Don't try to "own" the other. Stay together because you want to stay together, not because your ego or religious superstition (usually both are one) demand monogamy. If you can't be cheated on, you have one less thing in life to worry about and people like Levertis' friend don't need to be SHOT!

Such are the stupid things we do to each other and ourselves!

Levertis Steele from Southern Clime on September 11, 2013:

J-2012,

You are making excuses for the other woman's offenses. Unless she is an idiot, she knows right from wrong. It is admirable to forgive the husband and the other woman, but who is going to relax and try to figure out if she is a good or bad adulterer? If the OW does not know that the man is married, that is understandable, but most of them do know and many prefer a married man. Keep reading their testimonies.

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