Don't Let the Abuse Change Who You Are

Updated on June 1, 2017

Women of all ages, backgrounds, races, and financial status have experienced abuse from their significant others. Be it a husband, boyfriend, or even someone you're just in a casual relationship with, abuse can take on many forms. It is all mentally draining and it is all detrimental to your self-image.

Being a young woman that has experienced abuse within a relationship, I know firsthand of how it can alter your behavior and perceptions. You start to question your own choices. You truly start to believe that you are wrong. You are wrong for feeling a certain way, you are wrong for saying no to something, and you are wrong for reacting to his/her antagonizing behavior towards you.

After many years of being in that relationship, you find yourself slipping on a mask of someone else. Someone whom you've never met before. Someone that scares you. You start doing and saying things out of character. Perhaps even developing an unhealthy amount of road rage when driving home from work. Or yelling at your family members for a simple mishap. After someone calls you out on it, you take a step back...look in the mirror and ask yourself..."what have I become?"

You are NOT alone.

As much as I lost myself in the midst of the abuse, I knew that my behavior was out of character. Before I got into the relationship, I was a much different person. I was more open, carefree, and kind. Over time I grew antsy, nervous, and suspicious of everyone around me. Negative qualities I had not displayed before. There came a time I started questioning my behavior. This can't be normal. There has to be a reason for this. Someone else must be experiencing this too. Have I become an abuser as well? I like to call it "abusing your abuser". It is not a good thing. It only escalates the relationship abuse to another level.

I started to do my research because I knew there had to be answer as to why I started reciprocating the treatment I was experiencing. I had learned the term "reactive abuse". Your abuser will push you to your limits until you react in an abusive way. Following that, they will point the finger at you, naming you as the abuser. If you have experienced this, it is very typical. I spent so long crying and pleading for the treatment to stop. Only to yield no results. So, I started to fight back with my words. Somehow I felt terrible afterwards. I ended up apologizing even though I felt justified at times.

My significant other would often call me out on it. Stating that I was in fact the abuser. Typical response from a narcissist. They will blame you for retaliating against their treatment. Fighting fire with fire is NEVER the right answer. Please, I beg you, do not succumb to their bad behavior. I know some of you are in abusive relationships and find it almost impossible to get out. You could be suffering financially and need the support from he or she because they're the "bread-winner". I can tell you that I have been there.

It sometimes feels like you're in an impossible situation with no way out. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. You have to pick up the pieces and move forward. If you are out of work, start applying yourself to be able to work again. Save your money as much as you can. It's always good to have back-up when things fall apart. That is where I came up short. I had spent my time carelessly spending money without realizing the importance of saving. If you are living with an abusive lover, he or she could very well kick you out of the home if you are the dependent one. That is a terrifying reality that needs to be acknowledged.

This is another way they can break you down. If you are unstable financially, they will only make you feel worse about your situation. Throwing you into a downward spiral that will ruin your self-confidence and self-esteem. This may hinder your abilities to maintain a steady job. Thus, making you fully dependent on them. Giving them the control they crave.

Acquiring the strength to be independent is not easy, I know.

All of this will cause you to act out in a way that is really not who you are. Getting a grasp on reality and realizing their behavior is affecting you can be the most challenging. I myself had consciously noticed what I was doing and saying but for some reason it felt like I couldn't stop. I would even lash out at my family members. Nothing hurts more than your own mother telling you that you've changed. That was the light switch that finally went off in my head.

I knew I had to stop the madness.

He and I sought counseling together. He actually went before I did. Things did get better but once that trust was broken, it was almost impossible to get it back. I do feel that there are still issues within me that need to be sorted out. I do feel I need to seek counseling for the pain I have suffered. If you are currently out of the abusive relationship you were in, seek the counseling you need. Especially if you feel that your behavior is out of the ordinary. You don't want to take that with you onto your next relationship. It takes a lot of strength and courage to admit you've changed as a person.

Whoever you are that is reading this. You are BEAUTIFUL. You are STRONG. You are CAPABLE, and most importantly you are DESERVING of every piece of happiness you receive. Don't lose that faith, after every rainstorm comes a rainbow.

© 2017 Raquel Ascension

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • profile image

      nicole emmi 

      7 days ago

      I notice that he was cheating on me but i wasn't sure of it yet, so i contacted a hacker who i was directed to called h a c k e r f r a n k 0 0 1 a t g m a i l d o t c o m, who helped me hack into my spouse phone without having physical access to his phone or even my spouse knowing about the hack. this hacker is really great after the hack i had access to my girlfriend phone without she knowing about it or me touching her phone then i found a lot that my girlfriend has been doing at my back, sleeping around with men

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, pairedlife.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://pairedlife.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)