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Falling Out of Love in a Marriage: 5 Ways Couples Lose It

Relationship coach who has been helping married couples build strong, healthy marriages for many years.

It is the desire of most people entering marriage to have a blissful marriage, being completely in love and thinking that things will continue that way to the end, and they can’t fall out of love.

And yet, some people still fall out of love in a marriage. What causes some couples to lose their love for each other? How does someone fall out of love?

In this article, I want to look at five things that can cause you to fall out of love with your spouse and provide likely solutions you can implement to solve the problem.

1. Feeling Unfulfilled

Different people have different goals and expectations of marriage. Some marry hoping to have children; others marry for love and companionship; still others marry because they see in the other person what they lack in themselves, or to gain a status in society, among other reasons.

If the reason why the man or woman entered the relationship is not being fulfilled, that spouse can easily fall out of love with the partner if they are not committed to the marriage and end up being bitter because of love.

For example, if a woman who has always dreamed of a large family marries and discovers her husband is incurably infertile, she may get very disappointed and fall out of love with her husband.

"If the reason why the man or woman entered the relationship is not being fulfilled, that spouse can easily fall out of love with the partner if they are not committed to the marriage and end up being bitter because of love."

2. The Relationship Has Become Boring

Some people enter a marriage thinking their partner will continue to be as romantic as she or he is during the days of dating, expecting a lot of tenderness and consideration from their partner. This contributes to making them fall in love quickly, but later falling out of love when things settle down.

For many couples, when they get married, their first concern is to start having children to carry on the family name. Therefore, they start reproducing. Of course it is perfectly understandable to expect people who love each other to want to produce ‘‘fruits’’ of their love.

Settling Into a Predictable Pattern

But after the children have arrived, the marriage settles down to a familiar and predictable pattern. You have to take care of the responsibilities of the home, pay bills (which are rising all the time), make sure you train the children properly, make sure you do quality work at your workplace to meet the demands of your demanding boss (especially in these days when jobs are hard to come by), take care of your parents and siblings (if you live in a country where the extended family system is still strong), and socialize with your former schoolmates.

All these pressures make life become repetitive so that you may not find the time to spend together as a couple, talk, and repair destroyed or burnt out romantic bridges.

Therefore, you grow apart gradually, you lose an interest in having fun, and you find it difficult to stimulate each other and generate the kind of passion you could generate at the beginning of the relationship—and with time boredom creeps in.

Although you may still be doing things together, the bond between the two of you is severely weakened. This drawing apart can reduce the affection you feel for each other and cause you to fall out of love with your spouse.

3. A Lack of Respect

It is a sad truth that some men and women in relationships treat their friends, and sometimes even total strangers, better than they treat their partners. They talk with more decorum to their friends than they do to their partners.

Some spouses also never keep the promises they make and never fulfill commitments and pledges they make to their spouse. Lack of respect contributes to falling out of love with someone.

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When you treat your partner in a condescending manner, or when you use abusive language on your spouse—insulting him or her regularly, or ridiculing them in front of others—or when you do not cherish their value and worth, it is bound to create disharmony in the marriage.

Your spouse may feel hurt and want revenge. They may also say hurtful things to you, or treat you with contempt, and all this will result in frequent quarrels. Constant quarreling disturbs the peace in the home, makes a partner feel unhappy, and the unsatisfied spouse is likely to lose the love he or she has for the partner.

You want to know how to fall out of love? Don’t respect your spouse!

The other side of the coin also holds—when you are no longer in love your spouse, you do not show them respect and treat them any kind of way.

4. An Unromantic Partner

Sex and romance form a very important part of every marriage. They inject zest and excitement into the partnership, and help to keep you loving each other.

After a round of good lovemaking, or when your spouse treats you romantically, it softens your heart and induces benevolent feelings towards your spouse in you, which contributes to strengthen the marriage bond. When romance is strong, it turns your spouse’s thoughts continually to you throughout the day.

They will call you at work when they have nothing much to say, or come home to you in high spirits. If your love is waning, maintaining an interesting romance life makes falling back in love with your spouse easier.

Not Providing Each Other With Enough Romantic Variety

Most married people want a partner who is exciting and creative enough to provide them with romantic variety. A spouse wants someone who will give thoughtful gifts from time to time, who knows how to kiss well, who will hug or cuddle or smooch or make love with dexterity.

If a man or a woman enters a marriage with the hope that the partner will do these things, and discovers that the spouse does not give gifts, does not know how to kiss well, is apathetic to showing signs of affection, and is lousy in bed and not willing to learn how to do these things—or does not really care that they are not satisfying the romantic expectations of the spouse—the expectant partner may readily lose interest in the spouse. This may result in him or her falling out of love, because their romantic needs are not being satisfied.

"Most married people want a partner who is exciting and creative enough to provide them with romantic variety. A spouse wants someone who will give thoughtful gifts from time to time, who knows how to kiss well, who will hug or cuddle or smooch or make love with dexterity."

5. A Failure to Maintain Trust

Trust is basic to maintaining love in a relationship—when there is trust, a partner can give himself fully and wholeheartedly to his or her spouse.

On the other hand, when your spouse does not feel they can trust you, they are bound to have misgivings in their heart and become double-minded. That is when your spouse asks himself or herself whether to continue loving you, knowing you may not still have affection for them.

If your spouse does not feel any motivation to maintain their love for you, because you have proved yourself to be unfaithful, then their feelings for you wane, and they can lose interest in showing you affection entirely.

Solutions to Problems of Lost Love

So what are some of the things you can do to prevent falling out of love with your spouse, and help you to fall back in love with your spouse?

  1. Treat your partner with the same kind of respect you give to your family members and to your friends. Let him or her feel extra special.
  2. Make yourself attractive for your partner always. Build your attractiveness on the same things that drew you together in the first place. Dress attractively. Wear clothes you know each other love.
  3. Surprise each other from time to time with little gifts.
  4. Learn to understand each other’s needs and try to adapt your mind and attitude to meet the needs of your partner.
  5. Keep fun in the relationship. Try to be unpredictable. Surprise him or her from time to time.
  6. Listen to romantic music together as you hold each other, or as you engage in some kissing, cuddling, smooching, massaging, or caressing.
  7. Watch romantic movies that teach good morals together. After watching it, spend time just to talk about the lessons you learned from the movie, and how you can apply them to your marriage.
  8. Balance your life so that you can spend time with him or her. Do not focus entirely on your career. Your career cannot satisfy your emotional needs as a man or woman can do.
  9. From time to time, do an evaluation of your relationship. When you see signs that you are falling out of love, sit together at one table and take pieces of paper. Then write 10 things you do not like about each other and the way the relationship is going on the paper. Exchange the sheets, discuss what you have written, and try to figure out how together you can improve in the areas where you think you are not doing well in your relationship.
  10. Try to be faithful to your spouse. Show commitment to the relationship.

If you are committed to your relationship and you continue working at it, the marriage will succeed and will grow into a happy marriage, which I am sure is what you desire it to be.

Fulfillment, Excitement, Respect and Trust

Falling out of love in marriage occurs when a spouse feels they are not finding fulfillment in the marriage, when one partner thinks the marriage is not exciting enough, and also when there is no mutual respect and trust between spouses.

Applying the solutions given above, however, can help you to keep the passion in the marriage and help you to restore and sustain the love in the marriage so that your marriage can work.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

© 2016 Isaac Yaw Asiedu Nunoofio

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