Jorge's relationship advice is based on experience and observation. Let his trial and error be your success (hopefully).
When You Know That You Should Go
So you’ve been cheated on. You know what? You should dump the cheater. Kick them to the curb. Send them packing. Put everything they own in a box and leave it out on the driveway next to the trash.
You probably already know this, though. Deep inside your soul, you know that you shouldn’t even consider staying with them. The relationship is over. They violated your trust and were sneaking around behind your back, and now you don’t know if you’ll be able to trust them ever again.
Sure, there may be a few narrow circumstances where you could rebuild the relationship. Sure, there may be a chance that they are truly interested in changing and they may never cheat on you ever again. How do you know that, though? You never really know unless you continue the relationship and try, but you also know that the chances are good that if they cheated once, they will cheat again. If you are okay with that, then go ahead—just know that it isn’t easy.
The only way that a relationship can survive cheating is if the people in it fundamentally change—not just their superficial behavior, but their mindsets, too. Both people must abandon the previous patterns that led to the cheating. But most people don’t even recognize what those patterns are, and they certainly don’t usually have the desire to change anything about themselves.
An easier way to justify staying with a cheater is to just come up with an excuse. This will allow you to continue being with them for as long as you can, even if you know in the back of your mind that they disrespected you and that there’s no reason they wouldn’t do it again. Excuses, doublethink, and the lies that you tell yourself are much easier than actually going through painful relationship changes or outright dumping the person.
If you’re having trouble coming up with excuses, here’s a few that you can try:
1) The Lease Doesn’t Run Out Until Next Year
Obviously, if the rental lease for the apartment that you share together hasn’t run out yet, then you are forced to live together. And clearly, if you are living together, then you have to be in a relationship with each other.
Yeah, you could always try to find some other living arrangement. Or, barring that, you could always sleep in separate rooms and try to start living separate lives, the same way that room mates do. That’s crazy talk, though. If you’re living together, it just makes sense to stay a couple even if you shouldn’t.
2) You Have Pets
Won’t anyone think of the children? If you have pets that you raised together, naturally you shouldn’t break up. No matter how much your partner betrayed you, that is not Fluffy’s fault. If you leave your partner or your partner leaves you, and you have to split up the animals that you have together, this could cause your pets to become depressed and have abandonment issues.
Instead of setting up some kind of visitation, or just accepting that you’re going to have to let go of your relationships to some of your pets, it’s better to use them as an excuse to stay attached to someone who abuses your trust. Pets thrive in a hostile emotional atmosphere, anyway.
3) Your Partner Owns the Netflix Account
If you break up with your lover now, you may end up having to pay for your streaming video again. Can you believe what a huge pain in the neck that would be? What would life be like if you couldn’t just use your shared Netflix account and actually had to make a new account of your own?
Worse still, the TV that you use belongs to your partner, and it’s a pretty nice TV. You don’t want to go back to having to watch movies illegally on your computer, especially since the screen is so small.
4) You Can’t Break Up Because You’ll Prove Your Family Right
If your family dislikes your partner and warned you about what they saw as negative behavior, but you were blinded by your love, then you’ll be proving all the nay-sayers right if you break up with your partner and everyone finds out that they cheated.
Even if they don’t directly say, “I told you so,” they’ll definitely be thinking it. Can you really see yourself dealing with all those smug faces? It’s much better to just stay with someone who might be constantly sneaking around with their new side piece of the week. If you realize that you were very, very wrong about someone, you can always make yourself right by ignoring the truth.
5) It’s Your Fault That They Cheated, So It Doesn’t Count
Finally, the reason that they cheated in the first place is that you weren’t paying enough attention to them, or you gained weight / lost weight / are literally worse than Hitler / whatever.
Regardless of the cause, the reason was totally your fault, and not theirs at all, even though they were the one who did all the cheating. Whatever it is that you did to make your partner cheat, you might as well have just forced them into a room with another person, pulled their pants down, and gave them permission to do it.
Don’t Listen to Any of This
Okay, clearly, all of the above is extreme sarcasm, if you haven’t noticed. I’ve seen people come up with every excuse in the book to stay with someone that they couldn’t trust anymore. It usually doesn’t end well.
Seriously, though, if someone showed such blatant disregard for the relationship to the point where they were lying and cheating, then they’re probably not worth your time. Forget all of your excuses and get out of the relationship. There’s someone else out there who is better for you and will actually value you enough to not betray you.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2017 Jorge Vamos
A nony mouse on March 28, 2018:
You forgot the biggest reason people stick together is probably for the sake of their children. As for a property lease, well if the guy has cheated, sleep separately and live your own life, no need anymore to tell him where you are going, when you will be back or who you are seeing.
dashingscorpio from Chicago on February 19, 2017:
"the chances are good that if they cheated once, they will cheat again." Actually I believe the age of the cheater and the circumstances may be a factor as to whether he/she will cheat again.
In addition the type of cheater they are is a major factor.
An "Incessant Cheater" for example has never been faithful long-term because they get bored easily. They're always looking for the thrill that comes with being with someone NEW. Monogamy for them is equivalent to going on a very strict diet. It's not a matter of (if) they will cheat but (when).
Their motto: Variety is the spice of life!
Where as an "Unbelievable Opportunity Cheater" is not proactively looking to cheat. He/she had a major lapse in judgment, caved in to temptation, or fell victim to peer pressure. (You see thing often with teens and young people in their 20s and early 30s) especially if they got tied down early.
"Girls/Boys Night Out" can be racked temptation for young people.
And finally there is the "Discontented Cheater", he/she blames YOU! According to (them) if you had never started or stopped doing whatever they never would have been tempted to step outside the relationship.
A "betrayed person" who for example hasn't been emotionally or physically available to their mate may be likely to "forgive" an incident under those circumstances. Knowing they've been withholding ..etc
I believe one of the biggest reasons why many people don't dump cheaters immediately especially if they're married is because the pain of finding out about the cheating is bad enough but to have to turn around file for a divorce is almost too much to bear! (This is especially true if they have children.)
Therefore it's not uncommon for them to pursue couples counseling and attempt to forgive if they spouse has shown genuine contrition.
From my observation it appears there's a big difference between the "hypothetical" & life when it comes to how people react to being cheated on.