I love giving advice to others and helping them out in their personal lives.
Eight Warning Signs
Why is it that our intuition gets thrown out like an old Starbucks cup when we fall in love with a new boyfriend? Why does it seem like the smartest, most levelheaded ladies get lured into an emotional teardown with no rebuild in sight over a nightmare of a relationship? Many friends and loved ones have witnessed the helpless feeling of this happening to a woman they care about. I experienced this when my beautiful relative threw most of her life away, including turning her back on her child, for a toxic relationship. Three years later and several court appearances later, she is hopefully back on track and has put this form of mental abuse behind her.
Do Something Before It Is Too Late!
Before the person you love gets caught up in the cycle that may potentially ruin her life, she should look at these eight warning signs to see if the man of her dreams falls into this category.
1. He Humiliates You In Public
Public humiliation can be very subtle like making a childish gesture or as severe as publicly chastising you to for making an honest mistake. Does your boyfriend like to insult you in front of strangers? Does he laugh at your faux pas knowing how mortified you feel? This is usually the point where many women part ways with a man. Yet, we are human girls and depending on our emotional state at the time, we may laugh off an insult or just plain ignore it. If this has happened, set a limit with yourself as to the amount of crap you are willing to take. If he attempts to charm you with another series of insults the next time you are out, decide what you will consider an appropriate amount of ribbing.
2. He Won't Leave You Alone, Literally
Is part of the agreement to dating you include the ultimatum that he must have complete contact with you no matter what? Does your boyfriend insist on calling you or you calling him back every minute of the day he is not physically at your side. This is an over enlarged sense of control over you and his role in your life. If he insists on knowing why you took too long in the ladies room or why you cannot immediately answer your texts while you are in a meeting or at class then he probably is extremely insecure or more than likely he sees you as a possession - his possession.
3. He Won't Trust You, Ever
We all get possessive of the ones we love and trying to maintain control to a certain degree is fine and natural, but what about constant lack of trust? Does your boyfriend often accuse you of cheating? Does he become super spy and search your browser, iPhone and email for evidence of another man. Is your dirty laundry suspect to his inspection for physical evidence when you come home from shopping? Then he is once again thinking of you as a possession and not as a partner in the relationship.
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4. His Actions Never Match His Words
Does he claim he loves you, but his actions prove otherwise? Bottom line, if someone loves you, they will not put their needs before yours. I am not talking about eating the last piece of chocolate cake. I’m talking about eating the last piece of chocolate cake that you declared you were waiting to savour all day. When we choose to be with someone we enter into a relationship. You need to ask yourself, "What is a relationship?" All relationships had give and take.There is a certain amount of self sacrifice involved in love and part of that is letting go of one's ego and allowing someone else to have their way with your soul. Bombarding you with gifts is nice, but is a way of blindsiding you and hiding his true feelings.
5. He Acts Like Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde
Does his personality and actions towards you change abruptly when around your friends and family? This usually happens early in a relationship when you introduce him those you know. The toxic man will behave like Prince Charming with hopes of swaying your support system. It may give you a secure feeling knowing people you value and trust approve your decision to date him even though your gut may be alerting you to red flags early in a relationship. You may be thinking if my brother and my best friends think he is great then I must be imagining the rest. The bottom line is that if he is not the same with your parents as he is with just you, then he may have more than just a toxic problem.
6. He Keeps You Down As a Way of Controlling You
Does he insult your opinions or try to demean your insights into affairs outside of your relationship. Phrases like “How would you know that?” or “You can’t begin to understand” are demeaning and demoralizing, but believe it or not some women accept this type of criticism as acceptable. I am not saying that you cannot have a heated debate and get nasty every now or then, but having an objective opinion on a world issue like the economy or war should not engage him into an insult fest.
7. He Is The Black Hole of Doom
When you are not with him you feel relieved, as if the boss has left for the day. This is a telltale sign that you are under stress in the relationship, and he is the chief cause of this feeling. Does he leave you feeling drained physically and emotionally? Then he is probably sucking the life and happiness and joy out of all aspects of your life.
8. He Wants to Do an Extreme Makeover on You
Does he insult your appearance or make over-the-top suggestions on how to improve your looks? If he is saying, “You would look great with highlights,“ you probably have nothing to fear, but if he makes statements over dinner like “You would look so much better as a blond” or “I only see myself with blonds,” and pushes the issue then perhaps you should skip the highlights and the dessert. Grab hold of your self esteem and leave him with the bill. Remember Spencer Pratt? Does anyone care to remember Spencer Pratt? Well for the sake of this article hopefully you do. He was the boyfriend turned husband to Heidi Montag of the MTV reality show, The Hills. He single handily took a beautiful young woman and turned her into a drone. He encouraged her to forsake her family, friends and herself. Under his control she agreed to marriage and eight procedures of plastic surgery to correct an already beautiful girl. Heidi and Spencer Pratt have become infamous for their codependency. The Hills was one reality show we all wished was staged, but unfortunately, their relationship wasn't. Montag has come forward with her regrets about they last five years of her life.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2012 LA Elsen