The Little Shaman is a spiritual coach & specialist in cluster B personality disorders, with a popular YouTube show and clients worldwide.
We talk a lot about leaving the narcissist before they can discard you, and this should be done if at all possible. Sometimes it isn't possible though, and discarded partners are often left devastated, both financially and emotionally.
Why Do Narcissists Discard People?
Narcissists get bored very easily. Initially, they are intoxicated by the chase and the conquest of a new partner, and they are prone to magical thinking and idealization, which means they often believe all of their problems can be solved by "the right person." It has nothing to do with you or how great you are, though. Their goals are all selfish. They aren't looking for a partnership or trying to build a life with someone or anything of the sort. They are looking for a person who will do things - solely for them. This is, of course, not reasonable, or possible, or realistic in any way. No one can fix another person. Dating or marrying someone does not make a psychological disorder go away. It does not magically erase the past or turn a person into someone else. Of course, the narcissist is in total denial of any of these problems in the first place. They simply believe that the problem has always been the other person or people in their lives. Indeed, the "line" they often use to hook a new victim is baited with story after story of themselves as victims of horrible cruelty, indifference and malice at the hands of previous significant others.
The Narcissistic Relationship
When narcissists meet this "new soulmate," their hopes are very high that this new person is "The One." This is the person who will be the perfect accessory, the perfect glue to hold the narcissist together, the perfect soft place to fall, the perfect servant, the perfect reflection of how wonderful the narcissist is, the perfect fit for the narcissist's yawning empty space inside... whatever the narcissist is looking for. This person is themselves seen, at first, as perfect.
Unfortunately, no one actually is perfect, and the narcissist's expectations and goals are totally irrational and completely unreasonable, besides. When this new soulmate reveals that they are nothing more than a regular person with flaws and problems and shortcomings and -- worst of all -- needs, the narcissist often becomes disillusioned and disappointed. This person is not the perfect soulmate the narcissist thought they were, and obviously, that's because the person is a failure and a liar and a fraud. How dare you misrepresent yourself as perfect?! You tricked the narcissist! This is where the devaluation starts.
You've betrayed the narcissist by not being perfect, by being nothing but a regular human being and make no mistake about it, that is exactly how they feel: betrayed. As far as they can see it, you lied and manipulated and tricked them, so they are within their rights to tear you down about that—and everything else. And they will. You were supposed to tend and cater to every one of the narcissist's needs and wants but you didn't because you are obviously an evil, selfish, inconsiderate monster who does not care about others.
Narcissists see other people's needs—even basic needs—as a direct threat to their own. How can such a self-centered, scheming individual be their perfect partner? Worse, you actually expect things from them!? How selfish can you possibly be?? This is not the relationship the narcissist thought it was, you are not who they thought you were, and rather than realizing that their perception of people as well as their ideas about what relationships are all totally wrong and warped beyond recognition, they blame you. You lied. You tricked them. You are a fake and a manipulator. On and on and on. Until of course, you do something that suddenly wins their admiration again (like winning an award they can vicariously receive some praise or recognition for by being associated with you). Or until they want something from you. Then the seduction campaign begins anew, until they again tire of it and decide you're a lying evil manipulator once more.
The Cycle of Idealization and Devaluation
This idealization/devaluation cycle can go on for a very long time; in some instances, it goes on for years. Empaths in particular have a seemingly inexhaustible well of emotion the narcissist can sponge off of, thus keeping the narcissist engaged for quite a while. It's a match made in hell.
Does the Narcissist Love You?
Narcissists don't actually want a relationship. They don't want to build anything with anybody and they do not desire to share anything. They don't want a partner. It is not a relationship when one person exists solely to cater to the other person with no needs, wants or expectations of their own. It's slavery. That's not a partner. It's a slave. More correctly, it's an object. We do not have a reciprocal relationship with objects. We use objects and we discard then replace them when they are no longer useful. This is how narcissists deal with other human beings, except that generally when we use an object, the object is not harmed by the usage. The narcissistic relationship would therefore be more parasitic than anything, because the narcissist uses other human beings to that human being's detriment. They cause harm, in other words. Like a tapeworm. No matter how much you eat when you have a tapeworm, you are still always depleted because the tapeworm is getting most of it. When the tapeworm becomes too powerful, you begin literally to starve. This is the relationship with a narcissist. They take everything and there is nothing left for you.
Some say that narcissists are intimidated by commitment, but this is really a sugar-coating of how they feel. They have a pathological phobia about it. It's life and death for them. Their existence literally depends on their needs being not just first but only. In their minds, caring about someone else's needs would be the same thing as saying their own don't matter. It would be emotional suicide. This can even lead to actual suicide. Narcissists are not just "selfish people." Their entire existence is predicated upon this point. This is why they are unable to understand that in a relationship, there are two equal partners: because to them, the only thing that matters is their own needs. The other person is simply seen as a way to get these needs met. There is really nothing more to it.
This cannot be changed and it cannot be fixed, because in order for the narcissist to change this, they would first have to understand and acknowledge that the other person's needs are equally as important as their own needs. Again, this would be the same as committing emotional suicide. They cannot do it. Their pathology initially formed out of a need to protect the narcissist against this exact thing, and it has grown to take over their entire life. Therefore, this realization is not happening.
How a Narcissist Discards and Ends a Relationship
After devaluing the partner, which can take many forms such as gaslighting, insulting, demeaning, humiliating, smear campaigning, disappearing and cutting off contact, cheating, physical abuse and much more, the narcissist will often simply discard their victim and walk away. This is usually because either:
A. The cycles (and the victim) have ultimately become so boring or pathetic or weak to the narcissist that they don't care to engage anymore
B. The victim is so burned out and emotionally bankrupt that they no longer react to the narcissist's endless provocations, which causes the narcissist to lose interest
C. The narcissist has found a new partner that isn't wise to their scam yet
Whatever the reason, victims are often left shattered and unable to understand what went wrong. Not only have they been put through the emotional wringer for no reason, they've been blamed and told that they are wrong, selfish and evil for just having feelings, needs and flaws. This can be very damaging. Narcissists put a negative connotation on everything the victim says, thinks and does, so consequently victims are left with the idea that even having normal feelings or engaging in normal, every-day activities is selfish and somehow abusive or wrong. Add to this the fact that the narcissist simply up and left, essentially abandoning the victim, and this leaves people in a very fragile state.
Which is of course, exactly where the narcissist wants them.
People who are in this state will be receptive should the narcissist need to come back if their new perfect victim does not work out. People often feel they've "won" in this situation if the narcissist returns, but in reality, the narcissist has come back only because they know their manipulations and fraudulent claims will be successful. This is not a prize you want to win.
How to Survive a Narcissist
People who are discarded feel very hurt and abandoned. You can help yourself by really trying to understand and realize that truthfully, you've have lost nothing but your own illusions. The person you fell in love with literally—literally—does not exist. They are not real, like being in love with a character from a TV show or a movie. This is painful but it should also be liberating, because it means you did nothing wrong, and because nothing was truly lost except for possibly time. There's nothing wrong with you. There's something very, very wrong with them. No matter what, narcissists are stuck with the person they truly hate the most: themselves. That is the worst punishment possible. This sounds trite and unsatisfying, but rest assured, it is not. These people are absolutely eaten up with pathological, delusional self-hatred. It's a painful cancer within them. They are not getting away with anything. They are miserable, envious people who will never know peace or happiness on any scale. This is not just lip service, either. It is the absolute truth. These are not happy people and they never will be. In many ways, narcissists suffer more than any person even should, to be perfectly honest. They're not suffering on their victims' behalf, but does that really matter if you've gotten away?
When the Narcissist Won't Leave
There are cases where the narcissist does not leave. These are usually relationships that seem to stay in the devaluation (abusive) part of the cycle most of the time, and the narcissist's reason for staying often seems to be to have a person to blame and/or abuse. It often seems to be either a constant power struggle, where the narcissist does not get bored because they have not conquered and defeated the partner yet, or a situation where the narcissist has so completely dominated and conquered the partner that they can now do whatever they want and the partner will put up with it with no question or comment. This person has usually ceased to be a person at all, for all intents and purposes, and is simply an accessory in the narcissist's life that does not cause trouble or problems in the narcissist's wholehearted pursuit of any- and everything they want.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
Questions & Answers
Question: How do I stop potential suitors from manipulating me either into sex or a relationship, as I am going to be newly divorced. How do you turn down suitors who may be narcissistic, without triggering Narcissistic Injury?
Answer: The truth is, you can't. People are going to react the way they will based on their feelings about the situation and there isn't much you can do about that. You can't control other people. Just be careful, be polite and be firm. It's probably a good idea to work on improving your boundaries so that you can see toxic relationships for what they are.
paraipan on June 03, 2020:
No offence bro, you're still at the negation phase.
Over it on March 02, 2020:
I would like to respond to the comment on left behind.I am so sorry what you are you going through.I have been with my boyfriend since 2014 and we also met at work.I am curious to know I am with the same man.I finally told him Im through trust and found pictures found out he had several marriages.
Derek on February 02, 2020:
However, I do not believe that all of the narcissist is absolute. Nothing is. Other than god.
People CAN change. What the narcissist lacks is love.
Love is the answer.
If no one ever helps the narcissist, the cycle will continue.
I was saved.
So I could help others.
Be what the narcissist lacks.
EarthAngel on October 15, 2019:
How have you recovered from this as this is my situation and l am a mess struggling to enjoy life
bert brown on August 28, 2019:
I spent almost 4 years with a covert narcissist who went through all the stages of idealise, devalue and discard with no explanation for the final discard other than the mask slipping away completely with the revelation of his new victim fully on show for my reaction; these people are sick in the head with their manipulative and deceitful behaviour with no regard for integrity or decency - it is all about their wants and needs and will use mirroring and transference to hook their bait. They enjoy goading to invoke a reaction and then blame when they receive one - all because they are dead inside and never really feel connected to anyone or anything - to be pitied really...
Amanda dJ on June 28, 2019:
My husband discards me but won’t leave. I’ve been married 37 years... we got married when I was only 16 years old. I can’t take the pain and humiliation any more, but I don’t know how to get out. I am emotionally very weak and just to tired to get up anymore. I don’t work, has literally no money for myself, no family who can help. . I am stuck and it hurts soooooooo much.
Sailor45 on May 02, 2019:
Wow I just discovered who really wooed me into a 5 yr off and on toxic relationship and dumped me and left me so hurt and devalued.. reading this article was like all of our chapters being played out on a script..! A-Mazing!
It’s has answered more questions for me than any self help iv done and read in the last 2 months of feeling worthless..
Boy time to move on now..!!! Thank you
irene mcdonald on April 23, 2019:
ohio2735 on April 02, 2019:
I've read that the reason we empaths are so drawn to narcissists is that, because of our emotionally abusive childhoods, we have this intense desire to rescue others because we so desperately wanted to BE rescued as a child. From my experience with a narcissist, I would have to say this is the exact reason.
BTW, this is an amazing article! I felt like the author had to have been writing about my Ex and me! He really didn't like my 'no contact'. Army officer who thought he could do whatever he wanted. So wrong!
Lawrence W. Melvin on February 22, 2019:
My life with my covert narc to the T. 1st Love bombed, then no itimacy, no compassion or empathy, overly sensitive ( could not disagree with her) Her ex-husband stated to her in a letter I have "my deflections are like darts to your forehead" She left one day and accused me of hitting her, went to the police and had me arrested. Went back together after 3months. The case was thrown out.She was 8 months pregnant. She told me she did because it was tough love. :) 10 years later and 4 more children she left without notice, no argument or discussion. I was in shock. I lost my family in an instant. She told the church elders that I was emotionally abusive and that I forced to have sex, that she was afraid of me, forced her to sign bank documents, and a slew of other lies. They believed her and they harbored her and my children. No one who has ever lived with us, my son, my friend and my daughters have ever seen me treat my wife with disrespect. But the believed her. I ent to a psychiatrist was put on Klonopin and Efxer, started drinking (which I rarely did during our marriage), things went downhill from there. She went after my assets and is getting them. I lived on a debt free 100 acre farm. It's gone. I live in a two bedroom apt. on Sec. 8 HUD. I have five daughters, one of whom hasn't spoken to me in 3 years. PAS. I am slowly recovering after 5 years of this nightmare. Still, in courts, smear campaigns are ongoing, lost many friends. But, my girls love me.
Left behind on February 15, 2019:
I was with my ex for 4 years.
We met online started talking and had a date.
He seemed perfect.
We got pregnant by accident in the early weeks so it moved pretty quickly.
I did ask him if he really wanted to raise a child with me together.
He said yes i'm sure.
He showered me with flowers, compliments à spontanious citytrips and dates.
He pulled me in.
When our son was born he didn't change by person perse but he just didn't involve himself with our son. Only for show did he do thing with our son. Like cuddle him for a photo etc.
He used our son and me as an accessory.
If we were at a social event i was the one to care for our son while he kept talking with others, eating or drinking.
I was to look after our child, feed him, change diapers or go to the toilet when he got older.
He wanted all his own activity's and hobby's without giving me equal quality time.
He wanted te go fishing, play tennis, go to the gym, meet his friends, go out,....
Our son and i were to wait when he wanted to spend time with us. Wich was not so often.
When adressed about it he just didn't respond or just gave me the silent treatment.
He would be like a stubborn child.
I gave him so much of myself emotionally that after a while i got depressed.
Instead of trying to help me he shut me out.
It was like fighting a brick wall. My cries for help were met with silence or just "you should see a doctor, i can't help you"
It might be true that he couldn't help me but he didn't even try.
It hurt so much.
One minute he was perfect. Cuddling me and laughing and planning a vacation together.. the other.. he would be distant, moody, everything was wrong and was never good between us.
And then i found out about the others...
We were having a fight.
He got a text from someone and my eye just caught it.
She talked about feeling like an affair...
So i kept looking. What i found tore my heart to pieces.
He had slept with another woman.. while also texting someone else that he had feelings for her and wanted to start a relationship at the same time. Litterally the same day..
In the same few days he texted a third(!) woman that he still felt for her, missed her couldn't get her out of his head and didn't know where it went wrong between them ?.. that suggested more to me so i kept digging.
Found out he met her through work and they dated and even had a short relationship ! The year before.
While we lived and raised our son together. While he got into bed with me at night.
He had told her we were over and we were never right with eachother, that we were jsut together for our son.
Safe to say i just broke.
We did have our fights. We were up and down a lot. But if he really didn't want to stay together he just had to say it and get it over with. That would still hurt of course but what he did was so much worse.
She dumped him after she found out we weren't over.
The girl he texted that he had feelings for did not pursue him because he was still living with me. He had said the exact same to her as to the other.
The one he slept with had feelings for him but he did not have them for her. He had gold her that if after the several months that they had been talking he still didn't feel for her that it would not come.
I dumped him. I said i found out what he had done and we were through.
He begged me, begged me not to end it. He convinced me he was wrong, he chose me. Loved me and our son, our family.
He kept begging until i gave in. I gave him a chance to prove me wrong.
Few weeks later.. he wanted to talk to me.
The girl he slept with.. was pregnant.
Omg i just cried.
I said what now. What are you going to do. What does she want to do.
I told him i would stand by him, even if it tore me. We would find a way to work with it.
He said thank you.
Few days later he had a meeting with her to discuss the situation and what they wanted to do.
He came home and suddenly told me he couldn't do it. He could not continue our relationship and raise another child in between us ?!?
So i told him to leave. I said pack a bag and get out. And he did and It's his house, he bought it before we met.
He didn't even flinch. Just a tear when he said goodnight to our son.
He now stays with his grandparents. He goes out and does as if he did not just end a relationship of 4 years and a son.
Soon after the girl had a miscarriage. She lost the baby.
Immediatly after that they started dating.
That broke me again.
We were just a few days apart.
I asked him what he was thinking. He said he felt nothing for her so why start dating her.
He answered that they were "trying" ?
Excuse me ? Did i mean nothing to you ?
He hasn't told anyone exactly why we broke up. He just tells them that we had been bad for a time now and that he did cheat so it was his fault. As if it's that simple.
And everyone jsut goes with it. They don't ask me. They just believe what he says. When they ask if he has somone else he says no.
He is showering the girl with flowers and dates etc and she even says to everyone she is in a relationship without mentioning his name on facebook or putting him in pictures so that it doesn't show for his family and friends. He is hiding the fact that he is allready dating another girl jsut few days after leaving the house.
He is being insanely friendly with me. "If i can help you, if you need anything, ..."
Wich makes me mad. Absolutly boilling mad.
My idea is that maybe he did not want me anymore bit he was just looking for a replacement. He did not want to be alone so he chose the girl he knew was allready in love with him.
So he did not only toy with my feelings but is toying with her too.
I tried warning her bit she blocked me. He probably told her the same as the others.
He is quite the charmer.
Meanwhile i am taking care of our son, searching for a new job that works better for me and my son so i can look for a new place. I take care of the pets wich are not all mine. I sort all our stuff and pack things While he goes partying and dating with his new girlfriend and never has time.
Some part of me still hopes he will come back but i know he will not change. Even if he woul try to come back i think it is to late. He allready slept with her again.. so no. I am not a playtoy. I can forgive once but not again.
Mark A Eselby Sr on January 24, 2019:
Thank You!! it's been two plus years since Kathleen "DISCARDED" me after 12+years of marriage. When we met I was all-struck with her beauty, sex-drive and adventurous spirit!
Her prior boyfriends all had "issues" she explained? Scott, Charlie and Lou "All Had Depression issues" but would address the problem. Alcohol was another condition she mentioned with some of us as well.
Needless to say I feel head-over-heels with her and the romance outings & shows, Trips to feed her travel desires was no less then two per year. In the bedroom she was adventurous!, Wildly submissive and loved to be spanked!! I was blown away and asked her to marry me after 18 months.
Her money and property were her most cherished positions!! And required a "Pre-Nuptial to exclude me from any ties to same? The language in it excluded me from any mutual equity in the property to which my lawyer required this changed. "She agreed and the new prenuptial was signed.
the first six years were amazing!! Shows, affection, travel and endless kinky sex was my reward for her getting her house renovated( I'm a carpenter,plumber,electrician and welder) .
Once things slowed and Kathleen started into menopause her tag lines started!
#1- You Better Make Sure I'M Happy
#2- REMEMBER!, This Is MY House!
#3- You're Only Maintenance?
#4- What's a Rooster say? Cocka-doodle-Doo Kathleen says "Any Cockale Do"
She told our doctor I was having problems with depression and put on meds! One year later she asked if the dose could be increased! Started driving wedges between me and my three kids, my parents. She'd continually send disturbing and judgmental emails to them.
Started being very critical of my habits and working schedule? Complain I had to much STUFF!! And even starting "throwing items out or donating them without my knowledge or consent ??
I could do nothing right? and our sex-life was pretty much dead! During this rough stage my father was hit with dementia and Alzheimers and you could see it in her eyes when we'd visit Dad ""No Way In Hell Is She Getting Stuck With a possible replay as I grew older!! That's when the post notes started??
All relating to Alzheimer ties to heredity? Prevention habits and lifestyle changes?? WTF
Then the 50% expenses notes for what I owed as my share of Food, Travel, vitamins and so on!!
Once the divorce hit I was kicked to the curb, 90 days to remove me belongings and once my lawyer read over the divorce paperwork we discovered ""She & Her Lawyer NEVER CHANGED THE PRENUP LANGUAGE??"" My highlighted copy of original MISSING? When I asked her about it her reply was:
A Grown-up Would Have Read The Prenup at the Notary!! SMH
Thank God I had copies of the email exchange in my lawyers hands before the marriage or I'd been totally screwed.
I'm still struggling with trust and self-worth issues But Miss Jula is out of my life!
Thanks Again, Your article explains a lot Mark Sr
starting over on January 07, 2019:
spent 30 years with my narcissist! he walked out on me and the kids doesn't seem to care what that did my youngest. I was a mess but I am doing really well considering how far gone I was. if it hadn't been for his threats and distancing himself from me months before I would not be doing so well. after all that time of isolation I am making some friends getting out and telling my story to all that will listen. I was seriously gaslighted to the point I thought I really was loosing my mind. idk if it was my failure to believe him or if it was I was so emotionally beaten down that he left. either way his child is suffering for it all and he doesn't care. he use to make sure we were never without now I go without my meds sometimes. crazy how I didn't see the pattern over the years. he has been doing this to me since I was a teen. I look back and see what has happened.
CCole.. on December 16, 2018:
Thank you so much for your work in writing this article which has been a blessing.. After learning about this topic one year ago- I have grown in understanding of what i for years (17yrs) have been experiencing. I have been discarded 5 times, left to the side with all the responsibility of raising our son. This is the end and i now have the strength to go "low/no contact". Everyday is still a struggle to regain my sense of self but there is power in knowing that better days are ahead.. T
Kallista on December 13, 2018:
This above is of the best articles on being dumped by a Narc. There’s a temptation to take him back, when he looks for a reunion. Good to know it was never real. I will never be real. The relationship was never real. The Narc never valued me, only the anger he could dump onto me, was my sole usefulness. Also I was useful for him to tell stories to, in which he could brag about all the things he did and enjoyed.
There’s a very seriousness to people who are unaware they’re dealing with such a monster. It could cause an unknowing person to commit suicide. That’s the magnitude of the horror an unsuspecting person could go through,dealing with the Narc. It’s been a godsend to have so much great literature on the subject!
There’s no winning with a Narc, run don’t walk if that’s who your dealing with.
Strat1163 on December 03, 2018:
Reading your articles has helped me to clarify and come to the realization that my wife of 20 years is undoubtedly a convert narcissist. To be honest i am beat down, and exhausted. Ten years ago i was preparing to leave her because of her constant verbal abuse, and devaluation. However, i became very physically ill around this time, im sure due in part to the constant stress of her behavior. So at that point, i became too ill to work, i had nowhere to go bc i previously alienated my family to appease her. She made it clear repeatedly that she didnt approve of them. Her family are all narcs as well and i am the scapeoat for her and her family. Since then I went from a well respected professional to pretty much a helpless child on permanent disability all because i fell in love with a liar and shell of a person. Please get out of a relationship with a person who has narc traits because they will exhaust you and drain you of your life energy.
James on November 30, 2018:
Going through exactly this right now. 8 weeks ago I was the love of her life and her 'soul mate'. 5 weeks ago I was discarded. 1 week ago I reached out to try and understand what had changed and she said talking about it "had no purpose". That I was delusional because I believed I was a caring, affectionate and loving partner and I wasn't. I've been left almost bankrupt, emotionally depleted and on anti-depressants with nothing but 3.5 years of fake memories to show for it.
Jameel on November 22, 2018:
Wow, Simply wow. The idealisation and devaluation... unbelievably epiphanous.
Desiree on November 10, 2018:
I saw this article on FB, glad I did. It reaffirms all I had suspected about my narc ex. In our case i kept dumping him, as I am a strong willed woman. The challenge and chase of breaking me down, and the sex, kept him coming back. He would show up at my workplace (his former workplace), even with a new girl in tow, all our friends thought it was done in the hopes of getting me back. No chance! Sure enough, I briefly dated a man and my ex found out. My ex began spreading fake gossip about me, saying I was obssesed with him, this new guy would never measure up to him and that I was only using the guy to get him back. His sister and him arevtied wt the hip, she is his mouthpiece to spread the gossip. I finally had to threaten legal action to stop the year-long harassment. These people are sick, and can be stalkerish and dangerous. I'm still reeling from the fact that a strong woman like me could end up in such a sick and emtionally/verbally abusive relationship.
Mary Its all my f on November 08, 2018:
I have been with my man for 10 LONG years.. We have a son together. I have been trying to understand him this whole time. I was chasing my tail. The frustration, the drama. I understood he was insecure, but i thought he would someday see me. See and trust me..i tryed every angle to get through to him. All my feelings were wrong. If my feelings were hurt, it was because i took what he said wrong. Or because you cant spell over reacting without having an" overy"
It was my fault my feelings were hurt.. Ect. He was classic victim. I have wanted out of this relationship for years..i knew he had every sign of a narcissist, but i didnt know why. I didnt know the signs of a narcissist. All i knew was the frustration of not ever being able to communicate with him. I finally kicked him out. I gave him 2 weeks. Still i was trying to communicate my feelings, and being blamed for EVERYTHING. Then i stumbled onto this sight and my life changed dramaticly. Now i am not frustrated. He is out now.. And i think if we would have ended it with me still being totally minipulated, i would have happily moved on, but i would always feel like we had unfinished business. I can not believe how relieved i am to see him for what he is, or us not. Now his behavior is no longer unpredictable.. As a matter of fact. I know exactally what to expect from him.. And he always follows the narci handbook. I no longer show him my emotions. He can not push my buttons. He really tries. I told him that i used to try to reach that person that i thought was just really behind a big wall, he always kept me on the surface of who he was, now i told him i see right through him, and there is no one in there. He of course said he was like that because of how i treated him. I didnt bat an eyelash. Now i really pity him. Like a wounded animal that is bleeding to death.. I cant help, and if i tryed i would for sure get bitten. But it is truly tragic that he hated himself so much that he "dissapeared" himself. In ten years i never felt like i ever saw who he really was..because there is no identity left. He is like empty, soul less. This monster he created to protect himself took away his identity.. And it was coming after mine!! I am so thankful that i was finally able to understand. Now i have my control back. I can put a period and never look back.
Jessie on November 07, 2018:
I married my human. In the beginning i ignored all the signs. She told me that she was the victim in her last 3 relationships. She told me she lied. She told me that she runs. ...
But infront of me was this amazing gentle human, so i didnt want to believe it.
And then it started, we moved into the house that SHE wanted with her mother, that was also quite abusive. Everything in our lif3 became about making her happy. And when id lose my temper, freak out or cry, it was because im crazy, i had anger issurs im not ok. I went on meds, i went to counseling, id tell myself i was the issue. This went on for 3 years....
This year i started putting it all together. We had an amazing life, giant! And she still wasnt happy, i had done all i could do and nothing made her happy with me.
We went away for a weekend, so in love, danced in the rain... she went away back home, we had a fight while she was gone. She came home and that was it. We were done. No discussion no talk nothing.
The break up was awful, she wouldnt communicate, she was cold, she would be social with friends and people that she barely knew but nothing wiyh me... and then she left the province. Took our dogs and left. No goodbye. No mourning. No grief. Nothing.
Shes blocked me, silent treatment, only talks when SHE needs somethings, as if she is entitled to me still taking care of things for her. And now speaks about me like she did her exes. I was abusive, i was the problem, she is the victim... and complete discard.
I dont know how people survive this. Its disgusting. I married this human. I thought this person loved me. .. and it was all a lie
Beaten Down on October 28, 2018:
You know your living with a Narc when he/she brings the worst out of you.
Ann on September 22, 2018:
I was with him for a lot of years, he said we were soul mates. But after a while i noticed i was the one making all the efort.He made new friends, who were into drugs, and got very nasty and started humiliating me and being verbaly abusive, then he dumped me. His ex before me got beaten by him. And now ive found out hes married a wealthy woman. I have been told i have depression, and ptsd, all i did was fall for this horrible man, i now wish idd never let him in my life.
Rose on September 06, 2018:
Can a well educated Clinical Psychologist be a Narcissist? I believe I have experienced one.
Kk on August 31, 2018:
So well analysed. Thank you. Unfortunately, i have been through it, through all the stages, and it is exactly as you desceibe it. And 2 years later, it still comes back. Sometimes, even now, I sometimes miss the narcissist, and then I have to remind myself that it is only my own illusions about him that I miss. Because as this article says, that person we fell in love with never existed. Difficult to accept I know. It's as if I still can't believe it really happened sometimes, and I feel stupid for having stayed in that web of manipulations for so long. It really sucked the life out of me. But feeling pity for myself does not help at all. I think perhaps the way to heal is to eventually accept my part in what happened. Because there was a reason the narcissist picked me, maybe unconsciously...but he felt my vulnerability to his type. I think. And he was right. I didnt walk away at first warning signs, and then it seemed always less possible...I thought it was love, but was it?
Anyway, it is important for us "victims" of narcissists to realize that it takes two to go through that charade. And even if it takes time, we have to, and we will, become stronger thanks to this experience. And when we finally meet someone kind and real, we will be able to appreciate him/her so much more.
A nony mouse on August 26, 2018:
Just be grateful they discarded you. Mine discarded me, but was a pain in the backside afterwards, I had to move miles away and break all contact with my friends, to stop the crap. He remarried and has spent time in prison on remand for attacking wife number 2 and I am aware of attempts that he has made to locate me, since these events.
Married to a narc for 30yrs on August 04, 2018:
Best solution: Silent treatment or better leave....but never underestimate his violent behavior.
DSA123 on July 28, 2018:
After 2 years of a long distance affair i think my narcissist finally discarded me. Every 2 months the cycle would repeat. Love bombing and then devaluation. I gave in every time to her. Finally last Monday I called her on her behavior. Her response was "I hate you" and "I never said I love you" (she said that 3 days before). In the 2 years anytime she had a problem at home I was there to help her through it. She did not remember any of it. Finally on Wednesday she said to call - I did and said lets talk as mature adults and what has changed since the weekend. Her response "you live in a fantasy world & never call me again, i will destroy you" I tried messaging her no response. She reads the msgs. I think this is the final discard and even though I am trying to make sense of it and I realize she has a problem & i want to help her but don't know how. I am scared she may do something to herself. I am 45 and she is 40 years old. Anyone with any suggestions or should i accept the silent treatment and discard and forget her?
VictimofLove on July 18, 2018:
There is no future in a relationship of lies. Narcissist cannot change. They are like a 5-year old boy in an adult body.
Karen on July 17, 2018:
After 7 years, and several discards, I've finally had enough. I didn't want to end things on bad terms but he went out of his way to destroy any positive feelings that I had been holding onto. I have absolutely no interest in hearing from him again. I've blocked his number and I'm doing my best to move on. I've lost my car. I'm about to be evicted. My utilities will be shut off any day now. I have no where to go and no one to turn too. But I'd rather be where I am now than with him. He's a monster. I deserve better than that.
Gordon on July 16, 2018:
I was "tested(behaviour)and then discarded after 7 months. It was a long distance relationship. I was love bombed. I trusted him completely. My devaluation stage happened when I was not with him. He came met my parents. We never argued. I met him online, however I deleted my profile and he reinstated his(without me knowing) grabbed his next supply or a few. Then dumped me the minute he set up his new supply. He cancelled my 40th birthday weekend to spend it with his new supply. He's 59years old and has 5 failed previous relationships. I'm very badly hurt and I can relate to all your pain. Its sad to think people like this actually exist
Kendra on June 27, 2018:
He left because I was drained and had other family and personal issues. I began to figure him out and was putting my needs first. So I was walking away from him and not letting him control me. I also got a promotion at work and that took more time away from his bullshit. When he got upset when I helped my ill parents and me spending time with my son; a sign of mental illness. Also, gambling and drinking away rent money when I'm hard at work. I also took care of all bills, cooking and chores, while working overtime. What a sad person to live with. Oh, I'm the bad egg, as he tells his so called "bar friends". I do love him, but he left nothing left for me; emotionally, physically and depleted all money, leaving behind on rent and bills. Toxic relationship with a narracist!
Melanthe on June 12, 2018:
I think its possible they also discard you because you are too stressed out by the cycle to continue playing cat and mouse and you want something "real" from the narcissist.
AnotherGirlX on May 22, 2018:
Girlx, I feel you. I am recently discarded too. I could have written your post because I know I'll take him back if he comes back. 3 years, for us. I think he got bored with the cycling, and then a month ago I had a personal crisis and I NEEDED him and he couldn't run away fast enough. We've been fighting ever since, that was a few days more than a month ago, and he says he is tired of the drama. All my friends beg me not to go back, and tell me it's because he couldn't handle me needing him. After reading this article, I realize they're right. I still love him though and it sucks. 3 years, no I love yous, no kissing or hugging, he doesn't like if I touch him, like you know when you just out your hand on someone's arm or something while you're talking? No, he stops whatever he's saying and just says "stop touching me!" or actually tells me to get my hands off him. I'm rambling but the point is he's a horrible person and I deserve 500 times better and yet idk why I can't let him go. Maybe someone can offer some hard-won wisdom that will help me. In the meantime I just keep hoping he'll come back and I can't stop begging him to give me a reason why he's just turning his back on me with no explanation after all this time, and I can't stop myself. Pathetic.
GirlA on May 16, 2018:
Girl X, I know the pain your going through as I had the exact same. Except the man I loved and cared about after a month has totally changed form with his new source and despite me caring for him for a year he now slags me off behind my back and doesnt feel guilt at all for cheating. put your head up high and dont let this person win as your worth more !
Girlx on May 16, 2018:
First off, I need to thank The Little Shaman for so many of the videos in YouTube she has made in addition to such spot-on articles like this one!
I am very freshly discarded. In fact, this happened merely a week ago. In many ways, I am still reeling. Throughout my 2 year “relationship“, the term "narcissist" came to mind a handful of times, but I didn't give my conscience the attention I should have. I had never learned what a malignant narcissist truly is. I was going off of the too commonly held belief that they merely have inflated egos. I wasn't aware of the actual PREDATION that occurs with malignant narcissists. I think that's a major reason I walked—or RAN—right into his trap.
I don't know what I am going to do at this point. Honestly, I think I will probably end up trying to make him love me again only to end up right back here in even worse condition. A part of me even doubts he is a narcissist and that is CRAZY.
Maybe I will try a different approach and actually love myself instead while he withers from no contact.
Rebecca on May 10, 2018:
Yes. Excellent article. Many thanks to the author. Isn't it beyond a nightmare to go through. Very few people in my life can relate. Which has added to the isolation of my recovery. Shared, online information about the topic has been my best friend through it all. Sadly but true. I know I am will will be stronger than ever through it all. If it weren't for this wicked man entering my life, I wouldn't be so propelled to finally live out a dream of mine. I am angry that he destroyed my life in the place I was born and raised and love, but, I leave in just 4 days to Thailand to live and work for a year. I am hoping that the new focus will aid in my healing, and help in my ability to be a more whole person again when I do return home.
Debbie on May 10, 2018:
This was extremely insightful and very true, Excellent article.
Jean Cardin on May 08, 2018:
This article is spot on and I have just been discarded again!!! However this time I am going to go total 'no contact' as it is the only way forward.
Anonymous on May 02, 2018:
Wow! I can relate to every last part of this article, this is exactly what happened to me over the past 18 month untill i was discarded 3 days ago. Not sure how Im going to get through this but will read this article whenever things feel impossible. Thanks
Iris Atwood on May 02, 2018:
This is one of the best articles that I have read on the narcissist’s discard. Thank you fr writing it.
Debbie on April 26, 2018:
Terri on April 21, 2018:
I cannot believe I’ve done this twice. Being discarded is painful. All I wanted was healing and acciuntability. I still can’t get why narcissists cannot change.
Karen Hollingsworth on March 23, 2018:
I absolutely love you! I have reached out and searched for answers and finding you has clarified so much. I feel i may be able to move forward. Ry
A nony mouse on March 22, 2018:
Although the discard is not nice, the only thing that can be said is lucky escape.
Anonymous on February 20, 2018:
Heartbreaking! Whether you are discarded, the new target aka "supply" or the narcissist who has Narcisstis Personality Disorder from some childhood trauma. I can't imagine not having the capacity to be happy, love, have empathy, feel remorse, etc.
Shawn on November 25, 2017:
Could you do a segment on Covert female narcissist with children and the effects it has as well as how the narcissist female uses them for their own selfishness? Will be much appreciated. Recovering from narcissist relationship of 5 years thank you very much