My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.
I've had many women contact me who have been confused by men who were all into them—initiating communication, making time to see them, as well as opening up and having the "future talk," and then out of the blue ended up disappearing out of their lives or ending things over a stupid fight. What happened?
Well, lots of men tend to freak themselves out. For some men, it's very short-lived, while for others it can be a vicious cycle or permanent destruction of your relationship.
Getting freaked out happens when a man becomes too vulnerable and starts to care too much. Although many men who freak themselves out will usually come back into your life, many times they end up getting scared again the second they feel vulnerable and will go on another hiatus or perhaps do a permanent disappearing act. Either way, this is never a fun adventure for you and makes it difficult to emotionally trust him again.
There are many men who have a hard time being too vulnerable, so when they meet a woman that makes them feel this way, they get scared. Sometimes this occurs right away and sometimes it happens weeks or possibly months into dating a guy. Men that get easily freaked out usually don't clearly understand why it happened themselves. All they know is that they need to take cover and hide until these "strange" emotions are suppressed and go away—which usually involves you going away as well—since being with you caused these "weird" feelings in the first place. Great.
Once a guy has accomplished getting back some sense of "normalcy" there is typically regret behind his decision but his pride and ego will help him move on—convincing himself that he did the right thing. Most men don't even realize what they are doing until it's too late.
Unfortunately, vulnerability is a very strong feeling. As it creeps in, there are men who will take the cowardly approach and stop all contact, while others will take the immature approach and emotionally push you away—by starting a fight or doing something to upset you: switching from being consistent with their actions to inconsistent, or will maintain contact but all of a sudden become "too busy to see you"...or he may even cheat. Regardless, the end result is usually a break-up.
What’s hard to understand is how a guy can one minute be all about you, open up to you and tell you that he has never felt the things he's felt with you—in a long time or ever before—and then walk away or push you out of your life without any communication? How can he act like you never meant anything to him?
Since most women are emotional and long to make a meaningful connection with a guy who "gets" them and isn't afraid to emotionally open up, it can feel devastating when you make a connection only to witness a rapid change in his behavior.
Stop blaming yourself. It doesn't matter if you were not the one who brought up the "future" talk, or opened up first about your feelings or your past. It doesn't matter if you didn't share private things about yourself before he did or introduced your friends and family first. Men who freak themselves out do exactly that. They get swept up on the moment, which is swirled around in a crapload of intense feelings—until a few days, weeks or even months later—before he analyzes, and thinks too much, which causing him to panic.
Yes, hearing a man open up and share his feeling (that are real at the time!) can seem endearing and exciting, however, it is these same intense, quick emotions, that can cause a man to push his own panic button—making him disappear. Frustrating?? Absolutely!
His actions aren't as complicated as you think. Most men are "programmed" not to cry, not to get emotional—to "be a man" and be strong. The moment vulnerability creeps in, some get scared like little boys and run away. As women, we want to pull them out, coddle them and tell them it's ok—sometimes, that isn't the best answer.
Unfortunately, when a guy freaks himself out all he can think about is taking cover fast and protecting his heart from getting wounded. He will overanalyze things, he will make up reasons why you and he would ultimately not work in the long run, he will look for flaws—again, giving him excuses to end things, and he will convince himself that he's not ready or wanting a relationship. Even if he was convincing you differently through this actions and words!
I get it, it doesn't make a lot of sense. How can a guy completely disappear out of your life without any explanation? It sucks! What do you tell everyone? How do you explain his sudden disappearance out of your life? Did he disappear off the face of the Earth?...if only it was that simple.
It isn't much you can do when a guy freaks himself out, but wait—giving a realistic time frame for yourself—and deciding if he's really worth waiting for (since there's a big possibility that he could get freaked out again).
When a guy disappears out of your life and stops all communication, sometimes the best thing to do is give him space and hope that he will calm himself down and come back before it's too late and you've put your wall up or moved on. I do think that you should attempt to reach out once or twice—for your own peace of mind, in case something serious has actually happened. However, if he did freak himself out, consistent calling and texting may cause him to close his cave doors even tighter or only bring him out of his cave for a moment before he freaks himself out again.
A friend of mine was telling me how she went on a date with a guy that was a set up by a mutual friend. The date went better than she had expected. She not only found this guy extremely attractive, they had a lot in common and the chemistry was definitely there. He opened up to her about how he's never felt this type of connection with another woman before. How he's never felt so comfortable opening up and talking so freely with her. He also told her that, "all his walls came down" and that he felt a deeply connected energy with her that was different.
Three dates later after telling her that he had already developed an emotional attachment to her, he vanished. No phone call, no text. This was odd since his pattern was reaching out to her on a daily basis.
My friend was more than confused by this obvious change in behavior, so she decided to send him a text asking him if they could talk. When they finally spoke, he told her that he had "a moment and needed to step back, but was better now." He explained that he was overwhelmed with his emotions causing him to think and analyze too much.
To prove to her that he was no longer freaked out he immediately made plans with her—showing that he was still into her. Well, that didn't last. He ended up canceling an hour before their date and hasn't come back out of his cave since.
Here's the thing ladies, when a man freaks himself out—running into his imaginary cave—where cell phones don't work and they can pretend as if you never existed (real fun), forcing them out can make things worse. Also, do you really want to have a long-term relationship with a guy you have to coax out of his cave every time he runs in it? That's why there is therapy, and this guy should find one stat.
Bottom-line, a guy who really does want to be with you will find a way to put his fears and insecurities aside. Caring for someone is scary and love is risky, but you should be a risk worth taking. If he's too scared to see this, then letting him decide to stay in his cave is actually a blessing in disguise…there’s a reason why real cavemen became extinct, time to grow up! What woman wants to live in a cave anyway? Find a man who isn't scared to walk in the sunlight to see what opportunities the world has to offer with you.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
cpee on October 10, 2018:
this seems way to gender based. "women are emoitional" do women have more emotions and feelings than men?!
Terry on June 05, 2015:
piece of mind????
Mary RB on May 26, 2015:
Interesting ideas. These issues can apply to both men and women who are insecure.
Dr Billy Kidd from Sydney, Australia on May 25, 2015:
Maybe everything you said about men could be applied to some women, too. Just a thought.