As a nationally certified and licensed professional counselor, Janis helps her clients resolve relationship conflicts and trust issues.
Brillant Roses Die With Broken Trust
Broken Trust: Your Secret is Out
It's been a week since your secret was revealed. You feel awful, maybe a little depressed, and incredibly guilty. Every morning you wake up hoping it was that bad dream again you've been having for the past few months. But this is real.
Your secret is out and your partner knows. Your greatest fear is that your lapse in judgment will end the best relationship you've ever had. The question you keep asking yourself, over and over is, "Will she ever trust me again?"
The tension between the two of you in the house is thick, mixed with anger, hurt, love, remorse, and uncertainty. Emotional connection and distance occupy the same space, resulting in a tug-of-war between two souls. Even amid the silent treatment, her eyes speak to you saying, "Can we survive this?"
The Road to Rebuilding Trust is Not an Easy One
This familiar scenario above plays out daily in the lives of couples who are facing the devastation of broken trust in their relationships. Depending upon the strength and foundation of the relationship, many couples do not survive. The betrayal cuts too deep, leaving wounds that can remain raw for years. The betrayed partner often is the one who finds the emotional and psychological injury too painful to overcome.
The impact of broken trust determines whether the relationship can be saved. The severity of the sting felt by the betrayed partner is very individual and will differ for each person depending on the situation. Certain factors make it much harder for the injured party to move forward. These factors typically include:
- Infidelity involving short-term or long-term emotional and sexual affairs
- Deceptions involving lies, including hidden or withheld information
- Leading double lives involving another relationship or family that pulls time and financial resources from the primary relationship
- Repeated instances of infidelities, lies, and deceptions, after repeated promises to change and remain faithful
The lack of trust is so familiar to many couples that they have come to accept it as the status quo.
— Dr. Robin L. Smith, "Lies at the Altar"
Traditional Ways to Win Back Trust
Understanding the Layered Concept of Violation in Relationships
Women will speak of the feeling of "being violated" by a betrayal.To understand the concept of violation, let's return to the scenario of the betrayed woman.
You may wonder why she can't accept your apology and move past your indiscretion. She says to you, "You just don't get it." What you're not getting is your partner's feeling of violation as the betrayal leaves her feeling traumatized to the core of her soul. She believed this to be a "safe place," where the emotional connection between the both of you reside.
Lying and infidelity usually fall within the "no fly-zones" of committed relationships when it comes to what ranks as top deal breakers. So when the promise to be honest and faithful is not upheld, the broken trust not only involves damaged verbal promises but a break in a core commitment to each other, on an emotional and spiritual level. When these lines have been crossed, or even blurred by indiscretion, a painful violation has occurred, resulting in a broken bond of oneness of heart and spirit between the both of you.
The toughest pain to heal in a committed relationship is the pain of betrayal - the wound of a broken trust.
— Lewis B. Smedes, "Learning to Live the Love We Promise"
How to Get My Partner to Trust Me Again in 7 Steps
If a couple makes the decision to heal from and rise above the sting of broken trust, it is possible to do the work and save the relationship. But it takes a lot of patience, honesty, self-introspection, and forgiveness.
It also should be expected that you, the offending partner, will unfortunately have the bulk of the work to do, as you attempt to rebuild your relationship and get your partner to trust you again. Here are some practical steps you can take to begin that journey toward healing.
1. Decide What You Really Want - Before making any impulsive apologies and promises to change, make sure you want to remain in the relationship. Consider that you may have been sabotaging your way out of a relationship to which you are no longer committed. Make sure your decision to win your girlfriend's trust back is not done purely out of guilt and obligation.
2. Honesty Upfront - When your girlfriend confronts you, confess. Think of it as your first test which is an assessment by her to see if she can trust you again. Denying what she already knows (or may have proof of) only feeds into the deception, further diminishing her ability (or desire) to trust you. Consider confessing before you get caught; it will increase her ability to believe that you are sincere in wanting to correct the error of your ways and make things right.
3. Take Ownership and Responsibility - It is a fact that when a relationship goes sour, it's usually a two-way street when it comes to taking responsibility for what went wrong. But in cases of broken trust, deception, and infidelity, it's important to take full responsibility for the choices you made in dealing with the issue. Once the secret is out, it's not a good time to divert, deflect, or place blame elsewhere, except where it belongs. Focus on your own behavior and refrain from finger-pointing in an attempt to justify your bad choices.
4. Express Empathy - To be empathic means to imagine what another person is feeling in a particular experience, as if you've stepped into their shoes. To express empathy means you have shown understanding on an emotional level, with words. To that end, familiarize yourself with the feeling words that accompany the emotional impact of broken trust. They include, but are not limited to: anger, hurt, shock, disbelief, resentment, pain, hatred, and rage.
Try to use these feeling words in conversations with your girlfriend to validate her and show cause-and-effect between her feelings and your behavior. For example, "I can see now how my choice to deceive you causes you to feel anger, hurt, and rage toward me."
5. Show Remorse - To be remorseful means to have a conscience. It implies that you are able to assess possible character flaws within yourself and look at the effect your choices have had on the person you hurt. In order to show remorse, you have to come across as sincere in believing that you did something wrong, and be accountable for it. A certain level of guilt has to be evident in an apology, with no excuses or justifications. The easiest way to show remorse is to let go of any bravado, defensiveness, or attitudes that run counter to your goal of winning back your girlfriend's trust.
6. Create New Trust - In order to regain trust after a violation of it, you may have to accept that it is truly broken beyond repair. When trust is damaged by infidelity, memories of the deception are forever attached to the incident, or multiple incidents. So it becomes incredibly difficult to "rebuild new trust" from what has been tarnished without throwing away the "old trust" first.
This is done by making new promises with sincerity by pledging to uphold a new trust bond between the both of you, starting today. Your trust is measured by what you do and not just what you say. For example, if you say you'll arrive home after work at 11:00 pm, you have to walk through the door at 11:00 pm. Your behavior is the yardstick by which your trust is now measured, a day at a time, until consistency is achieved and new trust begins to grow.
7. Don't Create Suspicion - Be careful not to trigger your girlfriend's fears and insecurities by engaging in behavior that reminds her of your past indiscretions. Even when you aren't doing anything wrong, she is now hypersensitive to every ring of the phone and ping notification of an email or text message. She'll wonder who you're talking to if you leave the room to answer a call. She will suspect you are meeting with someone other than who you say you're meeting with for drinks.
Be aware from her point of view of what it looks like if you share your social or travel plans with her and the location changes. It will take months or even up to a year for your partner to rebuild new trust for you, with a lot of stops and starts. The atmosphere you create will play a huge role in the restoration of that trust.
Trust is not a gift. It must be earned, and not with verbal reassurances alone, but with specific changes in behavior.
— Janis Abrahms Spring, "After the Affair"
Bouncing Back From Betrayal
Millions of couples in committed relationships suffer the impact of broken trust. The scenario at the beginning of this article is a common one, resulting from the betrayal of infidelity.
Emotional affairs, texting relationships, and drunken one-night stands are shocking revelations of betrayal that suddenly shake the foundation of what was thought to be stable. Relationships don't always survive deceptions when they come in the form of lies, secrets, and cover-ups.
However, it is possible to rise above the damage and do the work of rebuilding new trust, the bulk of which falls on the shoulders of the offending partner.
The chances of winning back the trust of the betrayed partner depends upon how the offender shows remorse, expresses empathy, and makes major changes in attitudes and behaviors. These changes, when displayed consistently, will create an atmosphere of safety, wherein the betrayed partner can begin to forgive and trust again.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
Questions & Answers
Question: I want my relationship to move forward, but I've betrayed her trust with lies and lusting. I never slept with anyone, but she's still with me. How can I earn trust and make things right and stay on course to keep it going forward? When I think I overcame the wandering eyes, I try hard to keep myself together, but end up distracted and failing again.
Answer: It's a difficult road. Your intention to change is good, so you're on the right track. Think of each day as a new beginning to rebuild new trust. She will need to see consistency in your behavior over time. Also, take some time to look within to see what's behind the "wandering eyes" and distraction; what needs are you trying to fill? In other words, what's missing for you that makes you stray; what are you looking for?
Question: I dont know how to get her to trust me over a white lie. A lie to keep her feelings safe backfired horribly. I am going to keep trying but I need a clue on how I can get her to trust me again?
Answer: Patience and consistency on your part will help. There is no magic answer. She will need time to heal. What are you willing to change that would indicate to her that you are sincere? Therein lies the clue you desperately seek.
Question: I am in a relationship and love my partner he is very sweet, but he doesn't trust me. Whenever I speak with some guy he feels I am cheating on him I try to do whatever he wants from me, but I couldn't gain his trust, please suggest how I can regain his trust and love because I don't want to break this relationship?
Answer: I noticed you said "regain" his trust. If there are unresolved trust issues on his part due to past events in your relationship, he will need time to heal from his hurt. If you're referring to unwarranted jealousy and control issues, that's something different entirely which may require him to heal from past betrayals that have nothing to do with you. Persons who don't trust are afraid of being hurt again, so they hold the person at bay to protect themselves. Maybe that's what is happening between the both of you. Time, patience, and consistent behaviors that reinforce new trust are keys to saving your relationship. I hope this helps, thanks for reading.
Question: I love my girlfriend, a few weeks later we've been through a lot of misunderstandings in which I broke her trust. However, she's still into me, she's still talking to me but she's not that sweet anymore because I broke her trust. She doesn’t want to trust my words. What should I do? How can I win her trust again?
Answer: Give her the time she needs to heal and make her own decision on whether she wants to move forward with you and at what pace. She's afraid of being deceived again, yet she still wants to be with you. She needs time to sort out this dilemma. She will also need to see consistent changes from you. Ask her what she needs from you and make every effort to follow through. Thanks for reading.
Question: My partner cheated on me and I found out. I gave her a chance to explain herself, listened to her, and found it in my heart to forgive her. After about a month, I also cheated on her. It wasn't my aim but she found out about it and refuses to return the favour of forgiving me. I'm asking for help. How must I deal with this?
Answer: Betrayal is very hard to overcome. Even though you forgave her, you cannot expect her to move at your pace when it comes to forgiveness. It becomes even more complicated when one discretion is answered by another. Now she cannot trust you. I would advise couples counseling to work through it together with the goal of healing as a couple. It will take time to rebuild new trust. Be patient with her and give her more time than it took you. Respect her pace.
Question: I broke the trust my girlfriend had in me and caused our relationship to end. We’ve been working on it together for 10 months. She just recently decided to end everything for good because she feels she can’t trust me again. She made this decision based upon the past. She didn’t even give me a chance to prove myself and earn the trust back and rebuild. How could she make this decision to walk away without actually even knowing if she can trust me again?
Answer: Broken trust, caused by infidelity, affairs and deceptions, is one of the most difficult challenges from which a couple can recover. Many do not. You made an important point with your question: she doesn't actually know if she can trust you again. The fear of being hurt again is what keeps the betrayed person paralyzed. She may not be able to start over due to deep, unresolved hurts from current betrayal and past betrayals. Your girlfriend, unfortunately, is not where you'd like her to be. She may need more time to heal from the deceptions. Her healing may include moving on for now. Thank you for reading, I wish you well.
Question: My boyfriend found some text messages in my phone from a guy I met on a social media site. We never met physically but there was some texting going on that involved some inappropriate pictures and even the phrase "I love you" was used. I don’t have intimate feelings for that guy and it was a mistake to even entertain it. Now my boyfriend isn’t talking to me and I’m and is saying I cheated and betrayed him. Which resulted in broken trust. What can I do to fix this?
Answer: It will take time but you'll have to repair and rebuild by showing him you can be open and transparent. Maybe take a break from the temptations of social media for a while. He will need to see consistency in your behavior. Try to understand the depth of his feeling deceived by your actions and validate how he feels. Also address why you needed the attention from the interaction with this guy you really didn't have intimate feelings for; try to get to the bottom of that and share it with your boyfriend.
Question: I want my relationship to move forward; I really love my boyfriend. We have been dating for two years now. He found out that I had lied after a year. The thing is I lied to him about something that happened in the past, way before we started dating. Now he doesn't trust me. I begged him so he agreed we should try again, but he is acting reluctantly. Every time I try something, it seems not to work. What do I do to get him to trust me again?
Answer: It sounds like he is stuck in his mistrust because of the deception. Even though what you did happened in the past, he still feels deceived. It takes a while to get past the fear of not knowing when someone you trust will deceive again. That's what his reluctance is about. He will need more time, you will need more patience. The fact that he's willing to try again is a good sign. Increase your communication with him; be open and transparent. This will help him rebuild new trust.
Question: I have been in a relationship for two years, and things started to become worse in the second year, I made many mistakes, and he wanted to break up with me every time..but I still promised to change, though I was not able to change completely. I lost his trust and love for me, and now he says that change yourself and learn from mistakes. What can I do to build this trust back, because I really messed up?
Answer: Repeated incidences of broken trust are the hardest to overcome for the betrayed person. If he can still see the good in you and the effort you put forth, there may be hope for him to eventually trust you again. But he will need time. It could take a year or more for him to heal, based on consistent behaviors he can see from you. It's good that you're taking responsibility for your mistakes. Continue to work on showing consistency and remorse. Also, forgive yourself and rebuild your own trust in yourself.
Question: He lost trust in me and stopped the relationship. What do I do?
Answer: Accept that he feels betrayed, give him time to heal and make his own decision about what he wants. Take some time to understand your boundaries, motivations, and choices that led to broken trust.
Question: Months before meeting my girlfriend, I had asked a few female coworkers if they'd like to get a drink/dinner after work. Although the requests were to be friendly/share conversation, they were perceived as more and I was fired. I shared all the details with my girlfriend, and she appreciated the honesty. Now, there has been no communication from her. How do I regain her trust? (she is a sexual abuse survivor.)
Answer: Patience is key when in a relationship with a survivor. Every person has their own unique experience, but the common denominator is broken trust. Perhaps you both can attend a couple of counseling sessions together for better understanding. In the meantime, continue to remind her that you are here the support her and listen to how hard it is to renew trust with someone. Ask her to share her fears with you and validate how she feels regardless of how honest you've been. She will need time, and you will need patience. I wish you both peace and productive communication.
Question: My boyfriend doesn't trust me and thinks I'm talking to another guy and sneaking around behind his back even though I am not. He is self sabotaging our relationship by putting these thoughts about infidelity in his head and falsely accusing me of doing something that I'm not. I truly love him but his trust issues have taken a toll on our relationship. How can I regain his trust?
Answer: Unless the unresolved betrayal or broken trust he feels (possibly from another relationship) is resolved, he will continue to project it onto your relationship. You asked how to 'regain' his trust as if you had engaged in some deception. If this is the case, he will need time to receive reassurance and consistency from you before he can heal. If his behavior is negatively impacted you, then you have to decide how much you can tolerate and if the relationship needs a break.
Question: Long story short I lied but never cheated or have thought of being with any other women. She took her things and left for her dad's. We had a long talk about everything and about a month has passed. I’ve learned, gained insight, have remorse, and made promises that I have shown and kept true. She has been spending more and more time with me and every time we are together since that talk it’s never been negative. Do you think my experience is a positive progression, or should I not get my hopes up?
Answer: Sounds like you've made great progress. Stay positive and keep mentioning to her how pleased and hopeful you are about the progress both of you have made. Emphasize what's been working and how far you've come to reach where you are now. She may have a flashback about the betrayal but don't let that derail your progress. Stops and starts when rebuilding new trust are to be expected.
Question: I lied to my partner, and I promised I wouldn't do it again, and I didn't. I broke another promise that I would not drink too late at night, and I did anyway. I kept it from her, and she found out. She said she doesn't trust me anymore and I'm doing my best for her to trust me again. I'm giving her my phone without any problem; I tell her all the people I talk to throughout the day, but I feel like it's not enough. What do I do?
Answer: You will have to determine if the problem is deception in general or if she has concerns about your drinking habits. If it's a combination of broken trust and drinking, you may have to address both. Continue to be transparent about your activities away from her. Also, talk to someone trained, preferably a counselor, if you feel the need to hide your drinking.
Question: My girlfriend and I recently got pregnant. Since she has gotten pregnant, she has seen me message girls that are friends but she doesn’t take it that way. I have since stopped messaging such girls. She went through my phone last night and noticed my ex still follows me on my Instagram and I don’t even use my Instagram anymore it’s just on my phone and a scroll the feed occasionally. She doesn’t trust me and thinks I am doing things behind her back. She doesn’t trust me, what can I do?
Answer: I've seen this dilemma with couples I've worked with before and it is very difficult. It takes a long time for the betrayed person to rebuild new trust. It may feel like more work for you but she will need constant reassurance from you to help her with fears of being hurt again. Be patient with her. Show her that you are trying to help her by taking the extra step to clean out your address books and block any friends with whom you are no longer in touch. She will judge whether or not she can trust you again not by just what you say, but what you do.
Question: I cheated on my fiance of six years, and we had been together for ten at the time. He said he could forgive me and we got married a month after infidelity was discovered and everything was great. We were moving forward. Now almost four years after marriage, it still comes up and he thinks I'm up to no good if I go to the store. He is angry with me over everything. I don't see friends anymore or go out. How can I show him that he can trust me again?
Answer: He may need a lot more reassurance to help him heal and build new trust. It takes a lot of work for the couple to heal and re-establish trust after infidelity. It is one of the most difficult things to overcome. On his end, he will have to decide to let go of your indiscretion and forgive you. But the bulk of the work will fall on you by displaying transparency and consistent behaviors that reassure him of your fidelity. For example, as outlined in the article, if you go to the store, give him a time you'll be back. But if you're running late, let him know. This lets him know you're thinking about him and considerate of his feelings. Be patient with him and remember he's still in fear of being hurt and betrayed again. Reassure him verbally and with your behaviors.
Question: I lied to my boyfriend about past sexual partners now one of them keeps coming up to harass me. How do I gain my boyfriend's trust?
Answer: Although you don't deserve to be harassed, understand that it's a way of punishing you because he is hurt. It will take time at his pace, but if you can validate his pain and fear of being deceived again, it may help to regain his trust. Deception is hard to heal from, but it is possible. Show remorse, not defensiveness.
Question: I was with my significant other for 7 months and I withheld and lied to my S/O about personal information that I should have disclosed in the beginning of the relationship. He wants nothing to do with me now and I don't know how I can cope. I know I have betrayed his trust and I want to do anything possible to have him back in my life and rebuild what I broke. What do I do?
Answer: First thing to do is accept him where he is and give him the time he needs to process the betrayal. Based on what the two of you have built in 7 months, it's possible the relationship can survive. However, it will be his decision to make at his own pace. It is very difficult to bounce back from betrayal; the key is not to fix what is broken but to build new trust based on consistency and new behavior. Hopefully, at some point, he will be able to take that journey with you.
Question: My wife and I have a son. She recently said we are not dating anymore. She has gone out a couple of times and I've changed my behavior, taking it day by day. She also asked me to leave her alone and that we will never get back together. There is something deep in my heart telling me not to let her go because I know I can do better. How can I approach her if we still live together and I really want her to trust me again and have what we had before when we were first dating?
Answer: The fact that you live together and are co-parenting complicates your situation. She may need a lot more time and space to heal from whatever happened in your relationship that caused her to withdraw. You may also have to accept that even if you find your way back together, it won't be the same as it was when you were dating. Too much has happened. Both of you will have to agree to rebuild new trust, learn from past mistakes and start over. But it will take consistency with changed behaviors and reassurance that things can be better.
Question: My girlfriend is very mad at me. I've made promises that I will be a better person for her so that she could forgive me. After months, I made a mistake that broke her trust. And after a week of her avoiding me, I swear not to make unfulfilled promises again. But this time, she won't believe me. Because of the broken promise, I left her. How can I gain her trust again and convince her that I'm not the person in past?
Answer: She will need time to see consistency in your behavior and your words. Maybe you can agree to give both of you some time to rebuild as you keep in touch. She is hurt and afraid of the same pattern. Show her the different person you proclaim to be by your actions over a period of time.
Question: I have betrayed my partner's trust by not telling him about my financial crisis. Trust has been the cornerstone of our relationship since the beginning. Now, he has said we are no longer a couple. I don't know what to do to regain his trust and repair the relationship. He is the best thing in my life, what can I do?
Answer: Have you tried couples counseling? It can be helpful, giving him a safe place to be validated for how he feels deceived. He is stuck in his betrayal understandably. You can only be remorseful and take responsibility for your mistake. The rest is up to him when he's ready. It will take time and realization that you have more together as a couple than the mistake you made. Be open with him about all decisions, no matter how small. This will help him see your ability to be consistently open with him and rebuild new trust. I wish you both well, thanks for reading.
Question: I've broken my partner's trust over and over again with lies and withheld truths. I've made fake promises to gain back his trust but have broken them. I really want my relationship to work with him. I've hurt him so much I don't see a way I can get back his trust. What should I do?
Answer: You sound like you've embraced the reality of your situation and the depth of the damage. You already have the answer. The best you can do now is acknowledge this damage to him, accept his position and allow him time to heal.
Question: I broke my partner's trust in the past. Today, something happened and even though it was not my fault, he doesn't trust me. I tried to explain but he didn't listen - - what do I do? I can't live without him. I love him but this was the last warning he gave me and now I broke his trust, his faith, his love, and his respect for me. What do I do? How do I get him back?
Answer: You will need to accept his feelings instead of trying to convince him of yours. He will need time if he's able to forgive and heal. He probably was not completely over the first deception so this makes it more difficult. He is afraid of being hurt again. His worst fear came true, regardless of the circumstances you tried to explain. Let him know you understand his position and will give him the time he needs to heal while you work on your boundaries with others. I wish you well.
Question: I met the person I love while I was married few years ago. We had a brief affair and now I'm separated and getting divorced. We clicked again instantly and I loved them all this time. Then I told my work colleagues and my lover dumped me for breaching trust. I guess I knew I shouldn't have talked to anyone but got so excited. Now they've cut off completely and says it not going to work because of mental health issues. I don't know what to do. Is this it?
Answer: Breaking a person's confidence is a form of betrayal. Your lover felt exposed when you revealed the affair and cannot regain dignity. As far as the mental health issues, I cannot address whether that played a factor but it sounds like there were layered issues that contributed to the end of the affair.
Question: My wife suspects I've cheated, though I never have. I did betray her trust by omitting work relationships with women. There was some flirty behavior, but nothing beyond that. Now she is convinced I am having an affair, which I am not. She keeps asking me for the truth, which I tell her, but she doesn't believe me! I've admitted to the work relationships and apologized. I even stopped traveling for work. How can I "come clean" if there is no affair?
Answer: Even if there was no affair, there was deception. A deception, which includes omissions or lies, may not be as egregious as a sexual affair, but the result is the same. The partner who finds out feels hurt, betrayed, and deeply deceived. It will take a while for your wife to build new trust, because she's afraid. You will need to reassure her by your words and actions that you are remorseful and trustworthy. Be transparent about your whereabouts; call or text her when you're at lunch or on your way home. If you need to run extra errands, give her a time to expect you. I hope this helps, thanks for reading.
Question: I have broken my boyfriend's trust with lies. We've been together for the last four years and now he is behaving completely different and hates me. What should I do to get his trust back?
Answer: He still needs time to heal. So you will need to validate his feelings and realize that deception takes a long time to heal. He's probably lashing out with feelings that feel like hate to you but it's more than likely that he's hurt. The only way he will heal (if he chooses to forgive you and rebuild trust) is if he can see remorse and consistent behavior and actions from you to reassure him that he can trust you again. Be patient with him and with yourself.
Question: I am male and gay but I have a girlfriend. She knows that I am gay and is totally fine with it. In fact, she is asexual and fine with me having sex with other men. However, I am not allowed to have sex with her brother. Yet I slept with him yesterday. How can I best rebuild the trust between us? Is there anything additional I can do in my particular situation, or anything I additionally need to take care of to repair my relationship with my girlfriend?
Answer: Your situation is complicated due to the triangulation you've created between your girlfriend and her brother and yourself. It will be difficult to repair the broken trust with this type of betrayal between family members, especially if it's kept secret. At some point, you will have to decide to be transparent with her. But unfortunately, all relationships will be negatively impacted by the deception.
Question: I did not cheat on my girlfriend. I forgot an illegal item in her car and her son found it. She was aware of what I was doing but I promised it would never be close to her and her son. Is this the same degree of trust betrayal as cheating?
Answer: No, it's not quite the same in terms of circumstances. However, broken trust can come from different types of deception. Your situation is one of a broken promise to keep your word and maintain a safe environment. Your girlfriend's trust is broken not because of something you did but what you didn't do. Hopefully, over time, you'll regain new trust from her which involves recommitting your promise to help her and her son feel safe.
Question: How do I get my boyfriend to trust me again in a long distance relationship?
Answer: Long distance relationships are challenging without trust issues. So it will be difficult to work together on rebuilding trust without having quality, intimate time together. You'll probably have to put extra emphasis on regular contact and being transparent about your activities as you keeping the lines of communication wide open. Thanks for reading, good luck.
Question: I got caught by my wife for lying. She says that she can't trust me. It's going to take time. She's also said she's forgiven me, but she is still holding physical affection (not sleeping in bed with me) for almost two weeks. I love her very much, does she?
Answer: It would be impossible to know if she still loves you. Even if she does, it is most likely blocked by mixed feelings of hurt and betrayal. Withdrawal of physical affection is not uncommon when trust has been broken. She may need several weeks before she can comfortably engage in any type of intimacy with you. Be patient with her. Allow her to sort out her feelings. Give her a safe place to share those feelings with you.
Question: It's very hard to get his trust back. The problem is that I lie (not about cheating). It's more of knowing he won't be happy so I get scared and lie. This is not regular. But he can't trust me. He doesn't believe he can trust me. What can I do to make sure things will work out?
Answer: Make a decision to change your behavior and commit to doing so. Don't assume it will work out. Your habit may erode his trust to the point of no chance of repair. Focus on addressing the behaviors that cause you to lie to him. Decide that you're more afraid of losing him forever than you are of making him unhappy. The real issue is sorting out what compels you to continually engage in deception that you have to cover up by lying.
Question: How do I get my partner to trust me again? I spent a lot of money for my son's (from my first marriage) college. Now she doesn't trust me.
Answer: Deception creates mistrust. It's difficult to overcome when the person feels betrayed. She will need time to heal. You will re-earn her trust when she can see you open up about subsequent decisions about finances. Until then, it will take a while for her to trust that major financial decisions won't be made without her input. Share with her your intentions from here on in, express remorse for making her feel disrespected in the marital partnership. Hope this helps, I wish you healing.
Question: I ruined a new relationship that I was proud of. I’d share stories (never intimate ones) with friends, and would point her out to people I knew. She wanted our relationship to be private, but I made her feel like she was “on display”. I have apologized and she says she forgives me, but the damage is done, and she no longer sees us having a committed relationship. I have violated her trust, and her feeling of safety and security. How can I earn that back?
Answer: Based on what you've shared, I can only say it sounds like she needs more time. It may help to validate how she feels and allow her to open up to you about feeling exposed. You both may also need to explore differences in what your expectations are in a relationship.
Question: I want to save my relationship, but due to my insecurities, I've betrayed my partner with repeated questioning about her past that she confided in me and trusted me not to use it against her. She feels very neutral to me towards now, and said she can't trust me. She says she forgives me but she can't forget. I reflected and told her about the areas I know I messed up in and shared this with her. How can I get past this?
Answer: You're on the right track. Keep doing the reflective work, take ownership of your betrayal, and continue to share it with her. She may need to hear it several times before she begins to feel reassured that you've changed. But there are no guarantees that she will forget and want to renew the relationship. Sometimes with loss comes a transition to new growth within. Continue to do your work to address your insecurities.
Question: We've been trying for a baby for a few months. He recently told me that he's changed his mind and doesn't ever want a child. I feel incredibly betrayed and he just doesn't seem to get it. He seems to think if he just ignores my pain it will stop. I feel dead inside about our relationship and I don't know what to do or how to regain the trust I feel has been lost. Can we get past this or should I just leave?
Answer: Leaving doesn't always solve the problem. Your betrayal involves a broken promise which interrupted your plans for a future that involves children. Maybe it's time to try couples counseling to explore the reasons behind his broken promises and to see if your trust in him can be restored. Individual counseling for yourself may be helpful for you to figure out if there is a chance to heal from the hurt and regain trust.
© 2015 Janis Leslie Evans
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on August 27, 2020:
Sounds like you've been riding an emotional rollercoaster in this relationship and it's time to shift. Ask yourself how healthy the ups and downs have been for your mental health and if there has been equal reciprocation in what you share with each other. I wish you peace in your decisions, thank you for reading.
Kate on July 10, 2020:
I am in a 3year relationship and on our 1st year my boyfriend decided to break up for no reason I managed to stop him and get him back. Although, we did get back together that same night I was very upset and angry that I decided to make the biggest mistake I've ever thought of and it was honestly an action of anger by fooling with someone the next day. Months pass by and he gets a message from other person showing proof of messages to meet up and he gets upset we break up again. I tell him I am willing to anything to show I do love him only and I have for the past 2.5 years and we even live together now but he gets angry with me at random moment bringing up the past I've done everything from having no contact with old friends to only spending time with him and my family. I have personally learned my lesson and yes I do love him and I do want to move on and do more in life with him by showing him that im with himfor love not anything else I am not using him. I pay for all my things every once in a while he pays little things but I pay all my things. I don't want to give up but he isn't helping either by bringing up the past all the times I have been nothing but patient but I am scared that I will give up and I don't want to because I know that deep down he loves me too he shows me that he does but he suddenly just ignores me for no reason.
Adan on July 06, 2020:
We stopped communicating like 2 years by the way we In different state. How can I get her back ?
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on June 25, 2020:
You're right, Anupam. Some situations are very complicated for women due to culture, traditional beliefs. Thanks for reading, good luck in your studies.
Anupam Mitu from MUMBAI on June 24, 2020:
Great help for the ones who really want to build the relationship.
But dear I am a witness of many broken marriages, or burdened marriages where one member (not gender specific) keeps on doing the same without doing anything to maintain the relation while the other one has to show all the sort of trustworthiness.
Lots of love dear Janis. I am also pursuing masters in psychology. I wish to be in touch with you.
Moore on June 22, 2020:
My girlfriend broke up with me she said she is tired of the relationship so I begged her and she said no few days later me and my family memebers got into some issues so I have her Facebook account logins on my phone so I login her account and I read her message with her best friend she told her best friend the relationship was Boring so I chatted her up and told her what I saw and she went mad and said she can never trust me again after she said that i told her that all what I told her about me and my family where lies she got mad and decide not to reply my chat again she messaged me later and told me that we cannot be friends or lovers again because the trust is broken I begged her but she kept on saying no and I want her back I Don't want to loose her just like that
please tell me what can I do??
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on June 20, 2020:
You're on the right track by setting boundaries for yourself. You convince him by being consistent and transparent. Thanks for reading.
Luna Lee on June 14, 2020:
I'm in an noline relationship with my boyfriend but we're still very close. He trusted me so deeply but one time whilst he was sleeping I had a text off this boy who had texted me before being flirtatious even when I made it clear I had a boyfriend. I told my boyfriend and my boyfriend and I have honesty but when he text me the second time I let out that I was in the shower and I specified something. As soon as my boyfriend woke up, I told him and showed the texts but now he won't trust me as I promised him I wouldn't talk to other males unless he knew them or they were family. He knows one of the reasons I did it was because I have been incredibly lonely and alone lately since he's been extremely busy which left a big gap in our relationship. He is letting me try to convince him that he is safe in this relationship and he can trust that I won't text anyone but him and if I do It will be female friends or i'll consult with him first but I'm not sure how to convince him..
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on May 03, 2020:
It may take some time to regain his trust, depending on the strength of your relationship. Hopefully, you can accept the time he needs to heal from the violation while you take the time you need to work through your own unresolved issues of trust. Thanks for reading.
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on May 03, 2020:
The question your fiancé asks is a question you should ask yourself. More specifically, it sounds like you may benefit from exploring your ability to set proper boundaries when you interact with others. It is your lack of boundaries that make you vulnerable to putting your relationship at risk. Thanks for reading.
Elisa Longoria on April 23, 2020:
I have some underlining trust issues from past relationships that are rearing their ugly head in the best relationship I've ever had. I had suspicions and doubt that led me to snoop. And I violated his privacy & lost his trust
Alice on April 08, 2020:
Am having a trust issues with my fancy I spoke to a man I meet in a bus and I later told him about the event and also I lie about a pastor who was to give us consulate because he was not the actual pastor. So now he's asking me why do I do the things that is puting our relationship at risks
Demi on March 28, 2020:
I was in a three-year relationship and about 3 weeks ago I broke up with my boyfriend. It was the biggest mistake I ever did. I never really wanted to do that but it was a very stressful period and I was so overwhelmed, therefore I did not think about it enough. There was no reason and it was a mistake. I apologized for it so many times, and I gave him all my honesty. He is very hurt and he keeps telling me that he wants to heal on his own (We both live with our parents still). However, I am so scared that he will take this time and he will completely forget about me, and I really want to put the pieces back together because I am the one that made the mistake. I have to rebuild our trust... What should I do? Should I let him take his time alone? Or is there something else that will make our relationship work again?
Please, let me know...
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on March 02, 2020:
Thanks for reading.
Riya on March 01, 2020:
I too break my partner's trust
4 tyms... plzz help me guys
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on March 01, 2020:
It sounds like there has been so much hurt and irreparable damage done that makes it difficult to move forward. Maybe you've already answered your question and her inability to forgive answers the question as well. It may be time to seek marriage counseling to determine where to go from here and if the continued pain for both of you is worth the effort to stay. I would not make any decisions until you have both received several sessions of counseling to explore the pros and cons of your decisions to determine what's best. Thank you for reading.
Mac G on February 23, 2020:
My wife and I have been together for 11 years, we've had multiple ups and downs throughout and I'll admit, I've cheated on her multiple times. Even though none of them involved sexual contact, thing's that she's read through text made that unbelievable. I didn't break her heart, I've shattered my them into pieces. As I've taken full responsibility for my actions and truly commit to fixing things, I know there's going to be a big wall in front of her that will make it very a very long time to gain her trust again because I know I've lost hers completely. Any words that I say or actions that I make seems to upset her. All she could visualize is getting hurt again, which I understand. She would threatened to leave, divorce, even at times hurt herself when we get into any type of argument. I feel like I'm not allowed to have a voice in this relationship anymore because I'm the one who's hurt her the most. Every move that I make seems trigger her. All I hear from her now how bad I've hurt her, how she hates me, and how unhappy she is. During argument's the topic reverts to all my flaws and mistakes, which I understand. All my efforts doesn't mean anything to her anymore, it makes me feel worthless and feel like I don't know what's right or wrong anymore. is our relationship over? Is it time to let her go? I feel being in this relationship with her is causing her more hurt than anything, even though I'm trying my best to be a better husband and a better man for myself.
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on January 29, 2020:
So very true, Devita. Thanks for stopping by.
Devika Primić from Dubrovnik, Croatia on January 28, 2020:
It is difficult to trust some one again trust is earned and it takes time to earn one's trust. Thank you for this hub.
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on January 28, 2020:
It will take time to rebuild. She need to see consistent behavior over a period of time before she can trust that you won't hurt her again. For example, increased communication, transparency, showing up, keeping your word. Thanks for reading, I wish you luck.
Cl on January 28, 2020:
I once out of anger left my girlfriend in the streets. And I went on a roadtrip with two other school mates who are girls even though we are just friends. I told my girlfriend five months ago I would change and she said I did, but she still can't trust me from what I've done previously. She broke up with me because of that. I still really love her very much. How should I approach this?
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on September 18, 2019:
It takes time for the betrayed person to build new trust. Honor her pain by giving her the time she needs to heal. She has to see consistency in your transparency with her, i.e., sharing your activities, your thoughts and intentions about commitment and loyalty. I wish you well, thanks for reading.
Zzz on September 18, 2019:
Me and my girlfriend have been together for 6 months and I recently got caught messaging a girl on a website, she found out about it and I lied about it to her when she knew the facts. I’ve never loved someone like I have this girl, she says she’s lost all trust in me and is thinking about it and I don’t know where we stand any tips on how I could make it up to her I have apologised plenty of times but I know that means nothing l. All I want is things to be back to the way they were.
Xyz on September 03, 2019:
I was drunk one night and confessed that i had one night stand with somebody and that I still love my ex. But its not true and i dont know why even I said that. I love my bf very much and didnt want to hurt him like this ever. He gave me another chance and told me to do something to regain his trust. Now i dont know what should i do to regain the trust. Please help me!
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on July 21, 2019:
The best thing you can do is give him the time he needs to process his hurt. Let him know you understand his betrayal and will do the work to rebuild trust when he is ready to receive it. His healing cannot to forced or rushed. Take time to forgive yourself and explore your motivations that lead you to crossing boundaries and reaching out to your ex. I wish you well, thanks for reading.
brittany on July 17, 2019:
My bf just broke up with me cause there was things that i kept from him, i never cheated but the constant texting of my ex drove him over the edge. I kept promising him i would change in ways he asked and i would for a little while then stop doing it. He has told me that he cannot trust me again, i want to make things right but i fear i may have hurt him more then i thought. He is an amazing person and i dont want to lose him forever, im lost on what i should do if i can do anything
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on July 17, 2019:
Your situation is complicated and has several levels of trust issues. A commitment to marriage counseling with an experienced therapist would be your best route to working this through. I wish you well, thanks for reading.
elibenjamin on July 09, 2019:
My wife felt that I was unhappy with my life. In some ways, I was. I lost my kidneys. I couldn't finish school. I'm a prison guard. At 33, it's not what I thought it was. So she decided to suggest we open our marriage to a female friend of ours. We all said okay. I let them have a night together, which she took and enjoyed. But when it was my turn, I became a little too excited and she got threatened and decided to shut the whole thing down. So after the whole explosion and anger, I now don't trust her. She doesn't really trust me. We're trying to figure out how to make this whole thing work now, but it's too painful. We've had a good marriage for a decade and now this feels like this is the thing that is about to do us in. I'm torn between what to do.
prabina on May 13, 2019:
thankyou for you valuable suggestion mam. but i am still in misery as he doesnot want to take the relationship further. he says to keep no hope. i cannot leave him. im afraid he will forever think that it was his fault. how do i convince him that it was not his fault. it was my insecurities. he has gone so deep that he cannot think positively about himself. i dont know how to talk to him. i tried but he refuses.
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on May 13, 2019:
You might make more progress if you accept him where he is instead of forcing the issue. You will benefit from taking time to working on trusting yourself and working on those insecurities. Increase your self-confidence first. Then see where the relationship my go later. I wish you inner peace. Thanks for reading.
Prabina on May 13, 2019:
I constantly made my boyfriend feel that he is not good enough for me. but it was my insecurities speaking. and now he wants to break up and he thinks that it is his fault that he will not be enough for me. he does not want to trust me anymore and doesn't want to give chance to our relationship. he does not want to fix it. i am really in despair and i cannot live without him. it has just been 3 days since this happened and he has his mind on breakup. how can i convince him to trust me again? please help me.
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on May 13, 2019:
Hi Patricia, always good to see you. It's good to know this article resonates with you. So many can relate and are taking the difficult journey to heal. Glad to know you did. Receiving the angels, sending same blessing to you. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Patricia Scott from North Central Florida on May 13, 2019:
Well said and thoughtfully expressed-----years ago my now ex was unfaithful long story but it wound up in a divorce--I filed. This was in 1980 and I had a number of folks ask me why I did not stay in the marriage. to be quite candid I did not want to ever have to wonder where he had been or who he had been with so that was the road I chose. As it turned out it was life changing and probably one of the wisest choices I ever made thanks for your article Angels once again are on the way ps
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on May 13, 2019:
Give him time to see that he can trust you by showing him that you can be consistent over time. He needs to see that you are transparent in your communication and not engaging in suspicious behaviors that will trigger him and set him back. Thanks for reading.
Tee on May 13, 2019:
I cheated on my bf n he founds out so sometimes he thinks of letting me go and he told me his trust towards me is gone wat can l do
David on April 30, 2019:
I lied to my wife about talking to my friend about my marriage that i thought was over because my wife told me she wanted a divorce. I don't know why i lied, it's not the first time. I love my wife more than anything so why did i lie to her? It was sp stupid i should have just told her, i know thati hurt her a lot by doing this. She says she will never trust me again. Is this just her saying that because she's angry and hurt or can i regain her trust?
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on March 28, 2019:
The fact that she expressed wanting to work it out is a very good sign. Build on the foundation you've established over 4 years. Trust her confidence in you. Communicate with her your urges to share information. More importantly, be open and transparent in your communication in order to repair the broken trust and forgive yourself. Thank you for reading.
Anonymous on March 27, 2019:
My girlfriend trusted me with her deepest and darkest of secrets and I've revealed those to my sister once and now she has found out about me reveling the secrets and she still says she loves me and shes willing to fight for us and she need me to be the best version of myself that I have to earn her trust back please tell me how to do this she's also my best friend for 4 years and my girlfriend for 2 years
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on March 06, 2019:
I applaud your efforts for taking the steps to rebuild new trust. However, if he's not ready to accept it, you cannot force him. It's only been a few months so he is still raw in his betrayal. It will be up to him if he's willing to heal and rebuild new trust with you. Taking a break may be helpful for both of you. Thanks for reading.
Andrea on March 05, 2019:
I betrayed my boyfriend due to a stupid, stupid thing a few months ago, he said he tries to cope with it but now he says that "our relationship doesn't go anywhere, we will slowly break up, i love you but you killed all my feelings and i don't feel you anymore, you give me no emotions anymore... we will never have a relationship but we continue to be friends..."... what is with that? is there any chance that i can make him FEEL again what he once felt? I am already doing all the steps in regainig his trust but it doesn't work so far...
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on September 24, 2018:
Hi Pam, you are so welcome. I'm glad it gave you broader insight into this complicated issue. For most people, it is hard to recover from and rebuild the relationship. Thank you for reading.
Pam Morris from Atlanta Georgia on September 24, 2018:
Janis, I always felt once a person cheats it a lost cause. But after reading this Hub I can reconsider and think otherwise. Well put together and well-written article. Thank you for sharing
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on September 10, 2018:
Wonderful news, so glad that the article gave you validation that you're doing the right things in rebuilding trust in your relationship. I really appreciate you sharing your story. I applaud your courage. She sounds like a very special person who sees that you are more than your past. I wish you continued healing. Thank you for reading.
Anonymous in Austin on September 09, 2018:
I had been with my girlfriend for about 10 months and we had not had even had a fight. This is the most beautiful relationship I have ever had, however, I had a secret I had been keeping from her about my past. I had through out some parts of it attempted to tell her about my past, but never did due to the shame I felt. Well, I hinted enough to where she got suspicious and ran a background check on me. What's in my past is not anything violent and I am a good person and what happened was almost 20 years ago. She felt completely betrayed and of course I understand. It was never my intent not to tell her, just hadn't found the appropriate time. She was almost ready to walk away, but convinced her that we have is truly special and she and I are communicating and feel like we can recover from this. It's interesting but I hadn't read the suggestions on how to go about rebuilding that trust, but I am exactly doing what the suggestions on this website suggest. Thank you for reaffirming that I am doing the correct thing.
Philip Seymour on August 16, 2018:
if you need a secret app to hide things from your wife then you should just be single ever heard the term having your cake and eating it to...cheating is a very selfish act if you need to cheat then get a divorce and move on..cheating destroys the trust a couple have spentyars to make...shame on these companies that create such terrible apps...
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on April 26, 2018:
Confirmation, regardless of how it comes to you, is usually what the betrayed partner needs to feel validated and decide what comes next. It's devastating to learn you've been betrayed but best to know the truth. Thanks for reading, I wish you well.
Patrick Muller on April 26, 2018:
Hello here, i'd like to share my thoughts from my experience with my cheating ex wife, after i got back from Alaska where i was working day in day out to keep my family happy, i decided to take a break from work and i travelled back to NY to meet my family, my friends back at home had been telling me things i chose not to believe because i trust my wife alot, but honestly all the questions make me quite uneasy and i sought help, i read about cyberwebkey484 at gmail dot com online and i decided to give it a try, i needed to know what was really going on without having to cause a problem with her so i snooped a bit into her device, i saw all her call logs, emails, hangout, whatsapp and facebook conversations, i got deleted messages that totally cleared my doubt, my wife was cheating on me with her colleague at work someone she often told me was quite annoying, i'm just glad i took the initiative of hiring cyberwebkey484 at gmail dot com to hack her device which has provided me the breakthrough i needed.
Charles Bechtold on January 14, 2016:
I was really missing my wife when she left me for someone else. I was weak to take care of some situations and i let her slip my arms. I had to talk to my partner at the office who recently got her husband back. She told me to get in touch with John Patience who helped her get her husband back with a love spell. I was very sure of this because John has helped my partner get her husband back. So i called John Patience and told him i lost my lover and wanted her back. He encouraged me and told me to be happy. He did his thing and told me my wife will be back in 45 hours. I waited for that time and my wife called me and told me that she has forgiven me and ready to take me back in her life. Since then, my wife and i have been enjoying our marriage with our lovely 4 kids. I am very grateful to John for what he has done for me. I'd advice you to ask him for help if you have any problem on your relationship and some other aspects of life. His email is firstname.lastname@example.org :)
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on November 07, 2015:
So good to see you, pstraubie. Thanks for identifying with this article. Always appreciative. Bless you.
Patricia Scott from North Central Florida on November 07, 2015:
Many many years ago my husband strayed as the expression goes sometimes. It is a long story which I shall not go into but it resulted in our divorce. And you know it was life changing for me...it made me become a better person. I wish I could explain it all but there is just not enough room here.
You have given sound workable suggestions that will no doubt help many.
Angels are on the way to you this morning ps
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on November 07, 2015:
ComfortB, thank you so much for your comments. It is my hope that this hub makes a difference to a lot of people who have betrayed or hurt someone with deception, as well as those who have been hurt. I'm glad you liked it. I appreciate you sharing this hub. Bless you.
Comfort Babatola from Bonaire, GA, USA on November 07, 2015:
You've shared some great insights here Jan. Trust is an essential part of any relationship, whether it be with ones children, spouse or friends. And once that trust is broken, it takes the special grace of God to put back the pieces, but it can be done as you have pointed out.
We have to forgive, regroup and move on. It's never easy, but if the parties are willing, it's possible. Great hub. Shared.
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on April 21, 2015:
Thanks for sharing. It takes more time to heal than we can bear sometimes. Don't punish yourself for loving totally. Get some support by talking it out with a counselor. If necessary talk to a doctor to help with sleep and getting healthful rest. Peace.
Ddiesbecq on April 20, 2015:
Trying to learn to trust again... My heart has forgiven I love him with everything I have. My head won't let me forget though. I can't sleep, I can't forgive myself for not being enough and I can't just drop it and move on. My head and my heart are pulling me in different directions and I don't know what to do with myself. Some days I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on March 02, 2015:
Thank you for those generous comments, JustPaula. It means a lot that you took the time to visit and read this important article which addresses a topic we deal with a lot in our healing work with clients. Blessings!
JustPaula on March 02, 2015:
Great article Janis on a subject that is critical to relationships of all kinds. Your advice is thorough and on point. Rebuilding trust is a process that takes time and commitment, courage and intention, and ultimately willingness and openness to create a "new trust" . Thanks for sharing your ideas about healing relationships!
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on February 24, 2015:
Glad you found this article informative, tobusiness. You are so right about it being near impossible to recover from such betrayal and how it affects subsequent relationships. Thank you for stopping by to read and comment.
Jo Alexis-Hagues from Lincolnshire, U.K on February 24, 2015:
Excellent hub! Once trust has been lost, it is all but impossible to regain. When you trust and believe in someone, love them, place all your faith in them, only to find that you probably did not know them at all, this can be devestating. It can also impact on other subsequent relationships. I don't really know if one can come back from this to build a lasting relationship with the person who broke the trust, I don't think I could do it, not many people could, they'll always be looking for the next betrayal. Interesting, informative and thought provoking.
Okwuagbala Uzochukwu Mike P from Anambra State, Nigeria on February 24, 2015:
The truth is that this piece has taught me so much on how to manage relationship, and cannot take away my eyes from reading it over and over. Shared, Pinned, and voted up.
Okwuagbala Uzochukwu Mike P from Anambra State, Nigeria on February 23, 2015:
Janshares, I personally agree with your advice to Matty.
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on February 23, 2015:
Hi Matty. Without knowing the details of your situation, I can only say that communication is key to stopping deceptive tendencies. The more you are both sharing with each other on a regular basis, the less likely you will need to hide things. People lie because they are afraid of either rejection, punishment, or being misunderstood. Get to the bottom of why you or your spouse feels the need to lie and you will have the answer to what the fear is about. This can happen by providing a safe, nonjudgmental atmosphere in which you can communicate with each other. I hope this helps.
Matty Navarro from New Jersey on February 23, 2015:
Very interesting. I'm curious and at the same time I want to learn how to build trust with the small things. Some couples have not experienced betrayal in the sense of cheating, but in repeated lies, or not standing up for their loved one. How can we handle these trust issues?
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on February 17, 2015:
Yes. Trust is at the core of all relationships. Thank you, DDE.
Devika Primić from Dubrovnik, Croatia on February 17, 2015:
I like the helpful tips. Trust is crucial to any relationship.
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on February 16, 2015:
Thank you kindly, MsDora. I hope it will be a useful article for those who need help. I appreciate your comments, as always. Peace.
Dora Weithers from The Caribbean on February 16, 2015:
You offer very helpful suggestions on restoring trust. The quotes are all great, especially the last one. Great presentation!
Okwuagbala Uzochukwu Mike P from Anambra State, Nigeria on February 14, 2015:
Sallybea, I know it is hard but we have to do it for love. Love conquers all.
Sally Gulbrandsen from Norfolk on February 13, 2015:
Speaking from experience, I honestly don't know where people find the strength to forgive after betrayal.
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on February 13, 2015:
Thanks, billybuc. I hope you never have to either. It is the ultimate deal breaker for most people.
Bill Holland from Olympia, WA on February 13, 2015:
I'll be honest, Jan. I don't know how any partner finds the ability to trust a partner who has cheated on them.....let's hope I never have to find out if I'm able to do it. You did a wonderful job on this.
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on February 13, 2015:
Thanks, clivewilliams. Looks like you survived it. Or at least eloquently put it in your beautiful poetry.
Clive Williams from Jamaica on February 13, 2015:
interesting hub, my secret got out many many years ago
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on February 13, 2015:
I really appreciate your insight, Chitrangada. Thank you for sharing those comments. I believe the same when it is possible to save it for the greater good. But it is definitely easier said than done. Thanks for the votes.
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on February 13, 2015:
I know, sallybea. It is the rare person who can. It depends on the person and the circumstances. Thanks for stopping by.
Okwuagbala Uzochukwu Mike P from Anambra State, Nigeria on February 13, 2015:
Sharan, you are on point by saying trust is the most important.
Also to note is love. It is an important tool that builds relationship stronger.
Chitrangada Sharan from New Delhi, India on February 13, 2015:
Trust is most important in relationships as nothing hurts more than breach of trust. And it is very difficult to build the same trust again.
However it is wise to give another chance to the partner, in the larger interest. Because if there are children, they would also feel the pain and will suffer if the partners decide to part ways.
Although it is easier said than done, the partner should try to work towards reestablishing the trust.
Very important and insightful hub! You made some very helpful points, which should be a helpful guide to those suffering from such a situation in their relationship.
Thanks and voted up!
Okwuagbala Uzochukwu Mike P from Anambra State, Nigeria on February 13, 2015:
Janshares, I know you as good and great writer. Thanks for sharing this.
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on February 13, 2015:
Thank you, Jodah, for those generous comments, glad you liked this one. It is a subject everybody can relate to as trust is a common life theme. It is true that we constantly work at it. I appreciate your visit.
John Hansen from Queensland Australia on February 13, 2015:
Very intelligently written and useful hub here Jan. Many relationships suffer from a breakdown in trust at some stage. In some instances trust can be renewed, in others it is broken beyond repair. This was a good read, and we all need to constantly work on maintaining trust in our relationships even if it isn't always easy.