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Are You Too Eager to Please? How to Show Your Worth

savvydating's mission is to help women attract positive relationships by establishing personal parameters and greater self-worth.

Hmmm. Someone's a little full of himself.

Hmmm. Someone's a little full of himself.

There are different ways to show your worth in a relationship. If you keep bending over backward for him, you'll end up with his disdain instead of his devotion. Don't be a doormat. Discover some simple ways to change course and get your life back.

Ways In Which Women Try to Prove Themselves to Men:

  • By canceling plans with friends because he called to say he wants to see you.. (Women are notorious for doing this)
  • By making excuses for him when he fails to do what he said he would do, such as calling or meeting you on time.
  • By sticking by him and having sex regularly with him even though he rarely takes you out on a real date.
  • By sexting him before you really know him.
  • By doing his laundry, cooking, and/or cleaning for him even though you do not live with him.
  • By being available for booty calls anytime.
  • By paying off his debts and/or giving him money.
  • By ignoring his dismissiveness, his neglect, or his anger.

The list goes on and on. All these behaviors ultimately backfire on women for one simple reason: When she does every little thing for a man, he becomes lazy; he then develops a strong sense of entitlement. She will have created a monster who does not have to do anything to keep her around because he knows full well she will bend over backward for him no matter how he treats her.

What Are Worthwhile Men Like?

The worthwhile man loves the woman who likes herself. He finds her self-assurance refreshing, stimulating, and exciting. A genuinely good man appreciates the challenges a self-respecting woman can and does deliver. In fact, a good man is happy to pursue the type of woman who "can hold her own." On the other hand, women who are too eager to please will fail to keep his attention. The worthwhile man, in fact, is bored by women who are afraid to challenge him.

Never Reward Bad Behavior

Some women make a habit of bending over backward to please their lover due to their natural tendency to nurture. Being a nurturer, in and of itself, is a needed trait in that it allows us to care for the vulnerable. However, a woman's decision to continue to give of herself, despite a man's poor behavior towards her, is a problem. He must also show her that he is committed to the well-being of the relationship, and he must reciprocate her feelings of love. Otherwise, she is rewarding his bad behavior... something she should never do.

In other words, we must stop trying to please a partner who has stopped caring or who never really cared to begin with. Unfortunately, many women end up compromising their emotional health for the sake of an unhealthy relationship.

Never Stay Because You Are Afraid of Being Alone

We have all been guilty of going overboard to prove ourselves to one man or another for all the wrong reasons, at least once in our lives. But make no mistake, the most disastrous reason for trying too hard to please someone is because you are lonely, think there is something wrong with being ‘single’ for a time, or because you are hungry for attention. Some well-meaning women are simply confused, having bought into the notion that she is somehow required to do backflips to maintain his interest.

On a positive note, anyone can overcome this habit of compromising themselves for the sake of a relationship. We do this by understanding that any desperate method for trying to keep his attention always fails. But it is never too late to change course and, figuratively speaking, turn that ship around!

There is a time and a place for trying hard to impress. Take sports, for example. If you want to make the team, you had better impress the coaches. In an interview, you must prove to the boss that you can do the job by communicating your skills and expertise. However, in romantic relationships, it is a much different matter. When a woman meets a man she really likes, she has to take a decisive step back and stop herself from frantically trying to impress him or somehow keep him.

How Desperation Acts as a Terrible Magnet

Desperation, anxiety, and insecurity always act as terrible magnets that attract men who take advantage of women. Always remember: The desperate woman is the narcissistic man’s prey.

Men who prey on vulnerable women always look for the woman who tries too hard. The selfish man learned long ago that he does not have to do much of anything to keep the anxious woman interested and off-balance. He can ‘play’ her, and she will stay knowing she is easily confused because he is sometimes nice and seemingly loving, at times. But make no mistake, acting like a decent man on occasion is not the same as being one. He has learned to project a temporary facade to manipulate a woman's feelings.

He knows that the eager-to-please woman will hang tough and continuously make excuses for him despite his disrespectful behavior toward her. In fact, she stays with him in the hope that he will change and become the man she wants him to be. But he will not change, at least, not without professional help and probably not even then. Besides, changing his behavior is the furthest thing from his mind; he is used to getting what he wants the easy way. He is not person. He is merely someone who understands how to manipulate others to his satisfaction.

Respect Your Parameters

Worthwhile men will appreciate your parameters. Unlike the selfish man, a worthwhile guy doesn't mind if his lovely lady calls him out on his occasional bad behavior---like when he places a frosty, dripping mug of beer on her beautiful wood table, mostly because he became so absorbed in his football game that he sort of forgot about the coaster sitting nearby. He wants her to feel comfortable in saying, “Hey handsome, how about putting a coaster under that wet mug, like pronto?' Here’s a roll of paper towels to wipe up that mess.” She might teasingly aim upside his shoulder with the roll of towels, in good fun, of course.

Secretly, he thinks it’s sort of funny and a kind of hot that she will not let him get away with acting like a slob. He respects that she takes care of her things and that she expects him to do the same. When speaking about her to his friends, he will say things like, “She keeps me on my toes. She can see right through me, even if she drives me a little crazy.”

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Those are the kinds of words a decent man says to his friends when he dates a woman who speaks up for herself. The selfish man, however, is highly offended by such words. His ego is fragile. He believes his manhood is being called into question, and that makes him very angry.

How To Stop Trying So Hard to Please

We can stop trying too hard to please by first permitting ourselves to know it is okay to stop bending over backward for men. A good man does not want a needy woman who is constantly doing everything for him. Truth be told, such women bore him to death. Furthermore, the eager-to-please woman will continue to attract men who are uncaring until she develops greater self-esteem. In fact, on the few rare occasions when she somehow manages to attract a good guy, she is going to "blow it" by doing all the needy-trying-to-impress-desperate things she has always done before.

She never sees it coming when the worthwhile guy finally says, "I'm sorry, but things just aren't working out." He will shake his head and walk away. He may not even know what is wrong with the relationship; he simply knows in his gut that something isn't right.

The decent guy doesn’t want a doormat, nor does he want a woman who has a vise-like grip around his neck. What he wants is a real woman who knows her worth so well, she never has to prove it.

What is most important is that you take your life back with him or without him. Stop checking your cell phone messages every minute of the day to see if he has called. Instead, sign up for a dance class, see a movie with your girlfriends like you used to do. Go out bicycling, antiquing, or anything else that piques your interest. Invest time with your friends. Get a pedicure. Sign up for that Spanish class once and for all, as you have been meaning to do. That way, the next time he calls, your fabulous self will be way too busy to cancel your wonderful plans just for him. After all, you have things to do and you will have no problem telling him, "I’m just too busy now, my love, but a rain check would be great."

Taking care of her life.

Taking care of her life.

You Do Not Have To Prove Yourself Anymore

Suddenly, you are beginning to feel happy and awesome all by yourself! You're not lounging on the couch, day after day, eating Doritos, watching trash TV, and waiting for him to call. Rather, you are getting up every day and doing the things that need to be done, whether it is working, studying, organizing, picking up the dry cleaning, washing the car, preparing meals, or working out at the gym. You are not that woman who becomes hysterical at any silly thing. You are a grounded woman who knows that broken fingernails are not the end of the world, and neither is being by yourself for the day or the week. You have become the type of woman who can say Yes or No to anyone as the situation warrants.

Furthermore, you are someone who can handle the truth about yourself when your lover expresses his observations candidly, yet respectfully. You are a real woman with vulnerabilities, who is working on self-improvement for yourself and no one else. You are learning to be true to who you are. You have your act together most of the time, and that is good enough.

Long story short, you come to admire and like yourself. Do you need to lose ten or twenty pounds? Maybe. Are you trying to stop smoking but have not cut down as much as you would like? Perhaps. Did you lose it with the jerk who cut you off in traffic and nearly sideswiped your vehicle? Probably. But when your dad is in the hospital for a knee replacement, do you visit him daily and bring him funny cards and make him laugh? You bet! And if your current love enjoyed that action movie you saw together, are you then going to surprise him with the DVD? Most likely. How about if his car breaks down on Saturday morning? Are you going to pick him up? Well, of course.....unless you're in the middle of getting your hair colored at the salon, in which case he’s out of luck---but hey, that's what his guy friends are for....and that's okay too.

You Still Have His Back

The point is that you are the kind of person who is there when it matters. However, when you are busy doing things for yourself, you will remain focused like a laser on the matter at hand. And frankly, that is an awesome and sexy way to live your life.

Taking care of your needs gives you automatic leverage in the sex appeal department. That's why you're so perfect. That's why he can't get enough of you. You don’t have to try so hard. You already have what he wants and needs. He knows you will be there for him when it counts…. and you will. You have his back, and he has yours. Why? Because you are both genuine individuals with loving hearts, who take pride in caring for one another. Furthermore, you both respect that about one another.

He understands that just because he calls it does not mean you will automatically set aside your previously scheduled plans for his convenience, except in cases of life-or-death emergencies. A good man expects you to have outside interests, same as he does. You keep him wondering. You keep him on his toes. He finds that immensely exciting!

It's the quality of your relationships that matters.

— Robert J. Waldinger

He Wants To Be Needed

Furthermore, although you can take care of yourself, he wouldn't mind if you would let him take some extra care of you. It's a male thing. Men like to feel needed. A man in love will practically stand on his head for you because he wants to be the man you need him to be. He desires to make you happy, and you never, ever want to deny a man that pleasure. The good man enjoys the thrill of the chase. He chases, and you let him. That's how it works. It's the most natural thing in the world.

Thus, your job as a woman is to be true to yourself and to keep doing what feels right for you. If he respects that, then you will find yourself falling in love with him for all the right reasons. More importantly, you will not have compromised yourself or your values. Women still need to feel safe and secure with the man she loves. This need for safety and security is undeniable, and it is a need that is met when a good man respects your parameters. Having the reassurance that he truly respects you as a woman will then better enable you to love for him for all the right reasons. No longer will your love be desperate and clutching.

Once you learn how to be the door he must unlock, slowly but surely, you will have his devotion. A good man does not need or want you to be always predictable. Let yourself be the poised woman you are deep down inside. It is your birthright to be fabulous. Because once you embrace your individuality and your autonomy, you will have a good man's undivided attention forever.

Truly..... Yves

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

© 2013 savvydating

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