When Women Are Too Eager to Please
But First....What Are Worthwhile Men Like?
The worthwhile man loves the woman who likes herself. He finds her self-assurance refreshing, stimulating, and exciting. A truly good man actually appreciates the challenges a self-respecting woman can and does deliver. In fact, a good man is happy to pursue the type of woman who "can hold her own." On the other hand, women who are too eager to please will fail to keep his attention. The worthwhile man, in fact, is bored by women who are afraid to challenge him.
Ways In Which Women Try to Prove Themselves to Men:
The following is a list of things women do which always attracts bad men:
- By canceling plans with friends because he called to say he wants to see her. (Women are notorious for doing this)
- By making excuses for him when he fails to do the thing he said he would do, such as calling or meeting her on time.
- By sticking by him and having sex regularly with him even though he rarely takes her out on a real date.
- By feeling obligated to have sex with him by the 3rd date. (Let me say right now that you don't have to do anything until you are ready)
- By NOT realizing the emotional ramifications of a premature sexual relationship.
- By sexting him before she really knows him.
- By doing his laundry, cooking, and/or cleaning for him even though she doesn't live with him.
- By being available for "booty" calls anytime of the night.
- By paying off his debts and/or giving him money.
The list goes on and on. All of these behaviors ultimately backfire on women for one simple reason: When she does every little thing for a man, he becomes lazy; he then develops a strong sense of entitlement. She will have created a monster who doesn't have to do anything to keep her around because he knows full well she will "bend over backwards" for him, no matter what.
It's Always a Mistake to Reward Bad Behavior
Some women make a habit of bending over backward to please her lover primarily due to her natural tendency to nurture. Being a nurturer, in and of itself, is a needed trait in that it allows us to care for the vulnerable. However, a woman's decision to continue to give of herself, in spite of a man's poor behavior towards her, is problematic. He must also show her that he is committed to the well-being of the relationship and he must also reciprocate her feelings of love. Otherwise, she is actually rewarding his bad behavior, and that is something she should never do.
In other words, not all women know when to stop trying so hard to please a partner who has stopped caring for her or who never really cared about her to begin with. Unfortunately, many women end up compromising their own emotional health for the sake of an unhealthy relationship.
Don't Stay Only Because You're Lonely
In reality, we've all been guilty of going overboard to prove ourselves to one man or another, for all the wrong reasons, at least once in our lives. But make no mistake, the most disastrous reason for trying too hard to please someone is because you feel are lonely or think there is something wrong with being "single" for a little while or because you are actually hungry for attention. On the other hand, some well meaning women are just confused, having bought into the notion that she is somehow required to do back flips to gain his interest, much less keep his interest.
On a positive note, anyone can overcome this habit of compromising themselves for the sake of a relationship. We do this by understanding that any desperate method for trying to keep his attention ALWAYS fails. However, it's never too late to change course and, figuratively speaking, turn that ship around!
There is a time and a place for trying hard to impress. Take sports, for example. If you want to make the team, you had better impress the coaches. In an interview, you've got to prove to the boss that you can do the job by communicating your skills and expertise. Yet, in romantic relationships, it really is a much different matter. When a woman meets a man she really likes, she has to take a step back and stop herself from frantically trying to impress him or somehow "keep him."
How Desperation Acts as a Terrible Magnet
Desperation, anxiety and insecurity act as terrible magnets that always attract men who take advantage of women. Always know: The desperate woman is the narcissistic man’s prey.
Men who prey on vulnerable women always seek out the woman who tries too hard. The selfish man learned long ago that he doesn't have to do much of anything to keep the 'anxious' woman interested and "off-balance." He can "play" her, and she will stay. He knows full well that she is easily confused by his seemingly 'nice' and 'loving' gestures despite his tendency to control. But make no mistake, acting like a decent man, occasionally, is not the same as actually being a good man who cares. Men who have no real respect for women know how to project a temporary facade in order to manipulate woman's feelings.
He knows that the eager-to-please-woman will hang tough and continuously make excuses for him despite his disrespectful behavior toward her. In fact, she stays with him in the hope that he will change and become the man she wants him to be and/or thinks he is 'deep down.' But she is living in a dream. He will not change. Unfortunately, changing his behavior is the furthest thing from his mind. After all, he has become accustomed to getting what he wants the easy way. He is not a mature man. He is merely someone who understands how to influence others in a way that feeds his selfish desires.
Respect Your Parameters
Worthwhile men will appreciate your parameters. Unlike the selfish man, a worthwhile guy doesn't mind if his lovely lady calls him out on his occasional bad behavior---like when he places a frosty, dripping mug of beer on her beautiful wood table, mostly because he became so absorbed in his football game that he 'sort of' forgot about the coaster sitting nearby. In fact, he wants her to feel comfortable in saying, “Hey handsome, how about putting a coaster under that wet mug, like PRONTO? Here’s a roll of paper towels to wipe up that mess.” She'll teasingly taking aim upside his shoulder with the roll of towels, in good fun, and without malice, of course.
Secretly, he thinks it’s sort of funny and a kind of 'hot' that she doesn't let him get away with acting like a slob. He respects that she takes care of her things and expects him to do the same. When speaking about her to his friends, he'll say things like, “She keeps me on my toes. She can see right through me, even if she drives me a little crazy.”
Those are the kinds of words a decent man says to his friends after he has met a woman who speaks up for herself. The selfish man, however, is highly offended by such words. His ego is fragile. He believes his manhood is being called into question, and that makes him angry.
How To Stop Trying So Hard
We can stop trying so hard to please by first giving ourselves permission to know it’s really okay to stop bending over backwards for a self-centered man. A good man doesn't want a needy woman who is constantly doing everything for him. Truth be told, such women bore him to death. Furthermore, the eager-to-please-woman will continue to attract men who don’t care about her unless she develops greater self-esteem. In fact,on the few rare occasions when she somehow manages to attract a good guy, she's going to 'blow it' by doing all the needy-trying-to-impress-desperate-things she has always done before.
She will never see it coming when the worthwhile guy ultimately says, "I'm sorry, but things just aren't working out." He'll shake his head and walk away. He may not even know what is wrong with the relationship; he simply knows in his gut that something isn't right. The decent guy doesn’t want a doormat, nor does he want a woman who has a vise-like grip around his neck. What he wants a real woman who knows her worth so well, she doesn’t have to prove it.
The next important thing on the checklist is to take your life back with him or apart from him. Stop checking your cell phone messages every minute of the day. Go to Zumba classes; see a movie with your girlfriends like you used to do. Go out bicycling, antiquing, or anything else that piques your interest. Plan regular dates with your friends. Get a pedicure. Sign up for that Spanish class once and for all, like you've been meaning to. That way, the next time he calls, your fabulous self will be way too busy to cancel your wonderful plans just for him. After all, you've got things to do. Consequently, you'll have no problem letting him know that you really are "Just too busy at the moment, my love, but a rain check would be lovely."
You Don't Have To Prove Yourself Anymore
All of a sudden, you're beginning to feel pretty darn happy and awesome, just as you are right now! After all, you're not lounging on the couch, day after day, eating Doritos and reading trash novels. (Well, let's hope not, anyway.) Rather, you're getting up every day and doing the things that need to be done, whether it is working, studying, picking up the dry cleaning, washing the car, preparing dinner, or working out at the gym. You are NOT that woman who becomes hysterical at any ridiculous thing. You are a grounded woman who has enough sense to know that broken fingernails are not the end of the world, and neither is being by yourself. On the other hand, you ARE the sort of woman who can say "Yes" or "No," as the situation warrants.
Furthermore, you are someone who can handle the truth; you'll simply request that your lover express his observations without malice. You are real and vulnerable....someone who is working on yourself. Mostly you care about life and "being real." You have your act together, most of the time.....and that’s good enough.
Long story short, you really like yourself. Do you need to lose ten or twenty pounds? Maybe. Are you trying to stop smoking but haven't quite cut down as much as you'd like? Perhaps. Did you "lose it” with the jerk who cut you off in traffic and nearly sideswiped your vehicle? Probably. But when your dad is in the hospital for a knee replacement, do you visit him daily and bring him funny cards and feed him jello? You bet! And if your boyfriend really liked that action movie you saw together, are you going to surprise him with the DVD? Most likely. How about if his car breaks down on Saturday morning? Are you going to pick him up? Well, of course.....unless you're in the middle of getting your hair colored at the salon, in which case he’s out of luck---but hey, that's what his guy friends are for....and that's okay too.
You Still Have His Back
The point is, you are the kind of person who is there when it matters. However, when you're busy doing things for yourself, you'll remain focused like a laser on the matter at hand---and that's awesome and sexy. Believe it or not, taking care of your needs gives you automatic leverage in the sex appeal department. That's why you're so perfect. That's why he can't get enough of you. You don’t have to try so hard. You've already got the goods. In other words, he knows you will be there for him when it counts. He believes you've got his back. And why? Because you're a no-nonsense person with a loving heart who takes pride in caring for herself and in caring about him. And he really respects that about you.
That's why he understands that just because he calls, it doesn't mean you'll automatically set aside your previously made plans for his convenience, unless you know that his emergency outweighs your scheduled plans. However, he expects you to have a life, same as he does. You keep him wondering. Honestly, he finds that exciting!
He Wants To Be Needed
Furthermore, although you can take care of yourself, he wouldn't mind if it you would let him take some extra care of you. It's a male thing. Men like to feel needed. In fact, a man in love will practically stand on his head for you; he truly wants to be the man you need him to be. His desire is to make you happy. Ladies, you never want to deny a man that pleasure. The good man longs to enjoy the thrill of the chase. He chases, and you let him. That's how it works. It's the most natural thing in the world.
Thus, your job as a woman is to be true to yourself and to keep doing what feels right for you. If he respects that, then you will find yourself falling in love with him naturally. But, more importantly, you will not have compromised yourself or your values for the wrong reasons. Women still need to feel safe and secure with the man she loves. This need for safety and security is undeniable and it is a need that is met when a good man respects your parameters. The reassurance that he truly respects you as a woman as best he knows how will then better enable your love for him to be healthy and true, rather than desperate and clutching.
It's the Quality of Your Relationships That Matters— Robert J. Waldinger
Once you learn how to be the mystery he has to solve, you'll have his devotion. A good man doesn't need or want you to be predictable all the time. The worthwhile man appreciates that you have interests apart from him. He also believes you'll be there for him when it really matters.....and you will be! So, let yourself be the self assured woman you are deep down inside. Honestly, it really is your birthright to be fabulous. The truth is, once you embrace your individuality and your autonomy, you'll have a good man's undivided attention forever.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
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© 2013 Yves