When Women Are Too Eager to Please
But First....What Are Worthwhile Men Like?
The worthwhile man loves the woman who likes herself. He finds her self-assurance refreshing, stimulating, and exciting. A genuinely good man appreciates the challenges a self-respecting woman can and does deliver. In fact, a good man is happy to pursue the type of woman who "can hold her own." On the other hand, women who are too eager to please will fail to keep his attention. The worthwhile man, in fact, is bored by women who are afraid to challenge him.
Ways In Which Women Try to Prove Themselves to Men:
Habits that attract bad men:
- By canceling plans with friends because he called to say he wants to see you.. (Women are notorious for doing this)
- By making excuses for him when he fails to do what he said he would do, such as calling or meeting you on time.
- By sticking by him and having sex regularly with him even though he rarely takes you out on a real date.
- By feeling obligated to have sex with him by the 3rd date. (Let me say right now that you do not have to do anything until you are ready)
- By failing to realize the emotional ramifications of a premature sexual relationship.
- By sexting him before you really know him.
- By doing his laundry, cooking, and/or cleaning for him even though you do not live with him.
- By being available for 'booty' calls anytime of the night.
- By paying off his debts and/or giving him money.
The list goes on and on. All of these behaviors ultimately backfire on women for one simple reason: When she does every little thing for a man, he becomes lazy; he then develops a strong sense of entitlement. She will have created a monster who does not have to do anything to keep her around because he knows full well she will 'bend over backwards' for him no matter how he treats her.
It Is Always a Mistake to Reward Bad Behavior
Some women make a habit of bending over backward to please her lover due to her natural tendency to nurture. Being a nurturer, in and of itself, is a needed trait in that it allows us to care for the vulnerable. However, a woman's decision to continue to give of herself, in spite of a man's poor behavior towards her, is a problem. He must also show her that he is committed to the well-being of the relationship and he must reciprocate her feelings of love. Otherwise, she is actually rewarding his bad behavior... something she should never do.
In other words, we must stop trying to please a partner who has stopped caring or who never really cared to begin with. Unfortunately, many women end up compromising their own emotional health for the sake of an unhealthy relationship.
Never Stay Because You Are Afraid of Being Alone
We have all been guilty of going overboard to prove ourselves to one man or another for all the wrong reasons, at least once in our lives. But make no mistake, the most disastrous reason for trying too hard to please someone is because you are lonely, think there is something wrong with being ‘single’ for a time, or because you are hungry for attention. Some well-meaning women are simply confused, having bought into the notion that she is somehow required to do back flips to maintain his interest.
On a positive note, anyone can overcome this habit of compromising themselves for the sake of a relationship. We do this by understanding that any desperate method for trying to keep his attention always fails. But, it is never too late to change course and, figuratively speaking, turn that ship around!
There is a time and a place for trying hard to impress. Take sports, for example. If you want to make the team, you had better impress the coaches. In an interview, you must prove to the boss that you can do the job by communicating your skills and expertise. However, in romantic relationships, it is a much different matter. When a woman meets a man she really likes, she has to take a decisive step back and stop herself from frantically trying to impress him or somehow 'keep him.'
How Desperation Acts as a Terrible Magnet
Desperation, anxiety, and insecurity always act as terrible magnets that attract men who take advantage of women. Always remember: The desperate woman is the narcissistic man’s prey.
Men who prey on vulnerable women always look for the woman who tries too hard. The selfish man learned long ago that he does not have to do much of anything to keep the anxious woman interested and off-balance. He can ‘play’ her, and she will stay knowing she is easily confused because he is sometimes nice and seemingly loving, at times. But make no mistake, acting like a decent man on occasion is not the same as being one. He has learned to project a temporary facade in order to manipulate woman's feelings.
He knows that the eager-to-please woman will hang tough and continuously make excuses for him despite his disrespectful behavior toward her. In fact, she stays with him in the hope that he will change and become the man she wants him to be. But he will not change, at least, not without professional help and probably not even then. Besides, changing his behavior is the furthest thing from his mind; he is used to getting what he wants the easy way. He is not a mature person. He is merely someone who understands how to manipulate others to his satisfaction.
Respect Your Parameters
Worthwhile men will appreciate your parameters. Unlike the selfish man, a worthwhile guy doesn't mind if his lovely lady calls him out on his occasional bad behavior---like when he places a frosty, dripping mug of beer on her beautiful wood table, mostly because he became so absorbed in his football game that he 'sort of' forgot about the coaster sitting nearby. In fact, he wants her to feel comfortable in saying, “Hey handsome, how about putting a coaster under that wet mug, pronto?' Here’s a roll of paper towels to wipe up that mess.” She might teasingly take aim upside his shoulder with the roll of towels, in good fun, and without malice, of course.
Secretly, he thinks it’s sort of funny and a kind of 'hot' that she will not let him get away with acting like a slob. He respects that she takes care of her things and that she expects him to do the same. When speaking about her to his friends, he will say things like, “She keeps me on my toes. She can see right through me, even if she drives me a little crazy.”
Those are the kinds of words a decent man says to his friends when he dates a woman who speaks up for herself. The selfish man, however, is highly offended by such words. His ego is fragile. He believes his manhood is being called into question, and that makes him very angry.
How To Stop Trying So Hard to Please
We can stop trying too hard to please by first giving ourselves permission to know it is okay to stop bending over backwards for men. A good man does not want a needy woman who is constantly doing everything for him. Truth be told, such women bore him to death. Furthermore, the eager-to-please woman will continue to attract men who do not care unless she develops greater self-esteem. In fact, on the few rare occasions when she somehow manages to attract a good guy, she is going to ‘blow it’ by doing all the needy-trying-to-impress-desperate things she has always done before.
She never sees it coming when the worthwhile guy finally says, ‘I'm sorry, but things just aren't working out.’ He will shake his head and walk away. He may not even know what is wrong with the relationship; he simply knows in his gut that something isn't right. The decent guy doesn’t want a doormat, nor does he want a woman who has a vise-like grip around his neck. What he wants is a real woman who knows her worth so well, she never has to prove it.
The next important thing on the checklist is to take your life back with or without him. Stop checking your cell phone messages every minute of the day. Go to Zumba classes; see a movie with your girlfriends like you used to do. Go out bicycling, antiquing, or anything else that piques your interest. Plan regular dates with your friends. Get a pedicure. Sign up for that Spanish class once and for all, like you have been meaning to do. That way, the next time he calls, your fabulous self will be way too busy to cancel your wonderful plans just for him. After all, you have things to do and you will have no problem telling him, ‘I’m just too busy now, my love, but a rain check would be wonderful.’
You Don't Have To Prove Yourself Anymore
Suddenly, you are beginning to feel pretty darn happy and awesome all by yourself! You are not lounging on the couch, day after day, eating Doritos, watching trash TV, and waiting for him to call. Rather, you are getting up every day and doing the things that need to be done, whether it is working, studying, picking up the dry cleaning, washing the car, preparing breakfast, or working out at the gym. You are not that woman who becomes hysterical at any ridiculous thing. You are a grounded woman who has enough sense to know that broken fingernails are not the end of the world, and neither is being by yourself. You become the type of woman who can say ‘Yes’ or ‘No,’ as the situation warrants.
Furthermore, you are someone who can handle the truth about yourself when your lover expresses his observations candidly, yet respectfully. You are a real woman with vulnerabilities, who is working on her self-improvement for yourself and no one else. You are learning to be true to yourself. You have your act together, most of the time, and that is good enough.
Long story short, you come to honestly like yourself. Do you need to lose ten or twenty pounds? Maybe. Are you trying to stop smoking but have not cut down as much as you would like? Perhaps. Did you ‘lose it’ with the jerk who cut you off in traffic and nearly sideswiped your vehicle? Probably. But when your dad is in the hospital for a knee replacement, do you visit him daily and bring him funny cards and make him laugh? You bet! And if your boyfriend really liked that action movie you saw together, are you going to surprise him with the DVD? Most likely. How about if his car breaks down on Saturday morning? Are you going to pick him up? Well, of course.....unless you're in the middle of getting your hair colored at the salon, in which case he’s out of luck---but hey, that's what his guy friends are for....and that's okay too.
You Still Have His Back
The point is, you are the kind of person who is there when it matters. However, when you are busy doing things for yourself, you will remain focused like a laser on the matter at hand, which is awesome and sexy. Taking care of your needs gives you automatic leverage in the sex appeal department. That's why you're so perfect. That's why he can't get enough of you. You don’t have to try so hard. You already have what he wants and needs. Yet, he knows you will be there for him when it counts…. and you will. You have his back and he has yours. And why? Because you are both no-nonsense individuals, with loving hearts, who take pride in caring for one another. And you both respect that about one another.
He understands that just because he calls, it does not mean you will automatically set aside your previously scheduled plans for his convenience, except in cases of life or death emergencies. A good man expects you to have outside interests, same as he does. You keep him wondering, and he finds that exciting!
It's the Quality of Your Relationships That Matters— Robert J. Waldinger
He Wants To Be Needed
Furthermore, although you can take care of yourself, he wouldn't mind if it you would let him take some extra care of you. It's a male thing. Men like to feel needed. In fact, a man in love will practically stand on his head for you because he genuinely wants to be the man you need him to be. His desire is to make you happy and you never want to deny a man that pleasure. The good man enjoys the thrill of the chase. He chases, and you let him. That's how it works. It's the most natural thing in the world.
Thus, your job as a woman is to be true to yourself and to keep doing what feels right for you. If he respects that, then you will find yourself falling in love with him for all the right reasons. But, more importantly, you will not have compromised yourself or your values. Women still need to feel safe and secure with the man she loves. This need for safety and security is undeniable and it is a need that is met when a good man respects your parameters. The reassurance that he truly respects you as a woman will then better enable your love for him to be healthy and true, rather than desperate and clutching.
Once you learn how to be the door he must unlock, you will have his devotion. A good man does not need or want you to be predictable at all times. So, let yourself be the poised woman you are deep down inside. It is your birthright to be fabulous. The truth is, once you embrace your individuality and your autonomy, you will have a good man's undivided attention forever.
© 2013 Yves