When Woman Are Too Eager to Please...

Bending over backwards for him often backfires---big time!
Bending over backwards for him often backfires---big time! | Source

The worthwhile man loves the woman who likes herself. He finds her self-assurance refreshing, stimulating, and exciting. A truly good man actuallly appreciates the challenges a self-respecting woman can and does deliver. In fact, a good man is happy to pursue the type of woman who "can hold her own." On the other hand, women who are too eager to please will fail to keep his attention. The worthwhile man, in fact, he is bored by women who never present a challenge.

The following is a list of things women do that guarantee she will NOT attract good men:

Ways In Which Women Try to Prove Themselves to Men:

  1. By canceling plans with friends because he called to say he wants to see you. (Women are notorious for doing this)
  2. By making excuses for him when he fails to do the thing he said he would do, like calling or meeting somewhere---on time.
  3. By sticking by him and having sex regularly with him, even though he rarely takes you out on a real date.
  4. By feeling obligated to have sex with him by the 3rd date. (Let me say right now that you don't have to do anything until you are ready)
  5. By NOT realizing the emotional ramifications of a premature sexual relationship.
  6. By sexting him, before you truly know him.
  7. By doing his laundry, cooking, and/or cleaning, even though you don't live with him.
  8. By being available for "booty" calls anytime of the night.
  9. By paying off his debts and/or giving him money.

The list goes on and on. All of these behaviors ultimately backfire on women for one simple reason: When you do every little thing for a man, he becomes lazy; he then develops a strong sense of entitlement. You will have created a monster who doesn't have to do anything to keep you around since he knows full well you will "bend over backwards" for him no matter what.

The self-centered man.
The self-centered man.

Some women make a habit of trying hard to please the man she is involved with, primarily due to her natural tendency to nurture. Nurturing behavior, in and of itself, is a positive. However, a woman's decision to continue nurture in spite of a man's nad behavior is problematic when her partner is not committed to the well-being of the relationship. In this construct, she is enabling the destructive relationship to remain extant, even though she would be wiser to sever the "relationship."

In other words, not all women know when to stop trying so hard to care for and nurture a partner who has stopped caring for her. Unfortunately, too many women fail to recognize how she may be compromising her own emotional health for the sake of an unhealthy relationship which she wrongly believes is worth the effort, even though his bad behavior proves otherwise.

Excellent words to live by.
Excellent words to live by.

But take heart... we've all been guilty of trying a little too hard to prove ourselves to one man or another for all the wrong reasons. But make no mistake, the most disastrous reason for trying too hard to please someone is when you feel desperate to keep his attention. Another reason women often go overboard is because.....we're just plain confused! Somewhere along the way, we bought into the idea that we have to do back flips to prove our love even though trying too hard is backfiring!

On a positive note, anyone can overcome this habit of compromising themselves for the sake of a relationship. We do this by understanding that any desperate methods for trying to keep his attention always fail....and I do mean always! However, it's never too late to change course, and to learn how to turn the tide of love in the right direction.

True Sex Appeal is Not About Proving Yourself.

There is a time and a place for trying hard to impress--take sports, for example. If you want to make that team, you had better impress the coaches. In an interview, you've got to prove to the boss that you can do the job, by communicating your skills and expertise. Yet, in romantic relationships, it really is a different matter. When a woman meets a man she really likes, she has to take a step back and stop herself from frantically trying to keep him. Behaving desperately proves one thing---that you feel insecure. Unfortunately, anxiety and insecurity act as terrible magnets, which unfailingly attract men who are eager to use or exploit women. Always remember: The desperate woman is the narcissistic man’s prey.

When a woman is too eager to please and impress, she will always attract selfish men on a regular basis.

Men who prey on vulnerable women always look for the woman who tries too hard. The selfish man learned long ago that he doesn't have to do much of anything to keep the anxious woman interested and "off-balance." He can "play" her, and she will stay. She is easily confused because he is sometimes very, very nice and seemingly loving. But make no mistake, acting like a decent man is not the same as actually being one. He has learned to project a temporary facade to manipulate a woman's feelings. He knows that the eager-to-please woman will hang tough and continuously make excuses for him despite his disrespectful actions toward her. In fact, she stays with him in the hope that he will change and become the man she wants him to be. But he won't, at least, not without professional help. Unfortunately, changing his behavior is nearly always the furthest thing from his mind; he is used to getting what he wants. Incredibly, he is stuck in the "terrible two's" He is not a grown-up. He is merely someone who understands how to manipulate others to get what he wants.

Worthwhile Men Appreciate Your Perameters

Unlike the narcissist, the worthwhile guy doesn't mind if his lovely lady calls him out on his occasional bad behavior---like when he places a frosty, dripping mug of beer on her beautiful wood table, because he became so absorbed in his football game that he "sort of" forgot about the coaster sitting nearby. In fact, he wants her to feel comfortable in saying, “Hey handsome, how about putting a coaster under that wet mug, like pronto?" She might even say, "Here’s a roll of paper towels to wipe up that mess,” while teasingly taking aim upside his shoulder with the roll of towels, only in good fun, and without malice, of course.

Secretly, he thinks it’s kind of funny and a sort of "hot" that she doesn't let him get away with acting like a slob. He respects that she takes care of her own.

He says things like, “She keeps me on my toes. She can see right through me, even if she drives me a little crazy.”

Those are the kind of thoughts a decent guy has when he meets a woman who speaks up for herself. The selfish man, however, is highly offended by such words because he believes that his manhood is being called into question.

Love yourself by respecting your mind and your body.
Love yourself by respecting your mind and your body.

How Do We Stop Trying So Hard?

We can stop trying too hard by first giving ourselves permission to know it’s OK to stop bending over backwards for a selfish man. A good man doesn't want a needy woman who is always, constantly doing everything for him. Truth be told, she bores him to death. Furthermore, the eager-to-please woman will continue to attract men who don’t care. And on the few rare occasions when she does manage to attract a good guy, she's going to blow it by doing all the needy-trying to impress-desperate routine, without even realizing what she's doing wrong.

This I-have-to-prove-myself paradigm is so much a part of what she does, she won't even know she's doing it. She will never see it coming when the worthwhile guy finally says, "I'm sorry, but things are not working out." He'll shake his head, and walk away, sadly. He may not even know what is wrong with the relationship; he simply knows in his gut that something isn't right. The decent guy doesn’t want a doormat, nor does he want a vamp-like woman who has a vise-like grip around his neck. The truth is that he wants a real woman who knows her worth so well, she doesn’t have to prove it.

The next important thing on the checklist is: Get a Life! Take your life back with him, or apart from him. Stop checking your cell phone messages every minute of the day. Go to Zumba classes, see a movie with your girlfriends like you said you would. Go out bicycling, dancing, or anything that piques your interest. Plan regular dates with yourself and your friends. Get a pedicure. Sign up for that Spanish class once and for all, like you've been meaning to. That way, the next time he calls, your fabulous self will be way too busy to cancel your beautiful plans just for him. After all, you've got things to do. Consequently, you'll have no problem letting him know, maybe even in your newly learned Spanish, that you're just "too busy at the moment, but a raincheck would be great!" "Lo siento mi amor, estoy ocupado hoy." (Sorry my love, I'm busy today.)

A self-assured, grounded woman.
A self-assured, grounded woman.

You Don't Have To Prove Yourself Anymore.

All of a sudden, you're beginning to feel pretty darn happy and awesome just as you are right now. After all, you're not lounging on the couch, day after day, eating Doritos and reading trash novels. (Well, let's hope not, anyway.) Rather, you're getting up every day and doing the things that need to be done, whether it be working, studying, picking up the dry cleaning, washing the car, preparing dinner, or working out at the gym. You are NOT that woman who becomes hysterical at any ridiculous thing. You are a grounded woman who has enough sense to know that broken fingernails are not the end of the world, nor is being by yourself. On the other hand, you are the sort of woman who can say "Yes" or "No," as the situation warrants.

You are someone who can handle the truth, but you will request that your lover deliver it without malice. You are real and vulnerable---someone who is working on yourself. Mostly you care about life and being real. You have your act together, most of the time.....and that’s good enough.Long story short, you really like yourself. Do you need to lose ten or twenty pounds? Maybe. Are you trying to stop smoking, but haven't quite cut down as much as you want? Perhaps. Did you "lose it” with the jerk who cut you off in traffic and nearly sideswiped your vehicle? Probably. But when your dad is in the hospital for a knee replacement, do you visit him daily and bring him funny cards and feed him jello? You bet! And if your boyfriend really liked that action movie you saw together, are you going to surprise him with the DVD? Most likely. How about if his car breaks down on Saturday morning? Are you going to pick him up? Well, of course.....unless you're in the middle of getting your hair colored at the salon, in which case he’s out of luck---but hey, that's what his guy friends are for.

"Wish I could be there darling, but I'm all "wrapped up."
"Wish I could be there darling, but I'm all "wrapped up."

The point is, you are the kind of person who is there when it matters. However, when you're busy doing things for yourself, you'll remain focused, like a laser.....and that's awesome and sexy. Believe it or not, taking care of your needs gives you automatic leverage in the sex appeal department. That's why you're so perfect. That's why he can't get enough of you. You don’t have to try so hard. You've already got the goods. In other words, he knows you will be there for him when it counts. He believes you've got his back. And why? Because you're a no-nonsense person with a loving heart, who takes pride in caring for herself. And he really respects that about you.

That's why he understands that just because he calls, it doesn't mean you'll automatically set aside your previously made plans for his convenience. He expects you to have a life, just as he does. You keep him wondering, and honestly, he finds that exciting.

Furthermore, although you can take care of yourself, he wouldn't mind if it you might let him take some extra care of you. It's a male thing. Men like to express their caring when they are "head over heels." In fact, a man in love will pretty much stand on his head for you; he truly wants to be the man you need him to be. His desire is that you are happy. Ladies, you never want to deny a man this pleasure.

However, when a woman does that standing-on-her-head thing for him, that's actually out of character for her. Her trying too hard feels "off kilter" to the good guy and even to her, if she would take the time to acknowledge her feelings. And so, the male longs to have the pleasure of seeking her out, and having her need him. Often, he also longs for the thrill of the chase. He seeks or chases, and you let him. That's how it works. It's actually quite natural.

Thus, your job as a woman is to be true to yourself and to keep doing what feels right for you. If he respects that, then you will fall in love with him naturally. But, more importantly, you will not compromise yourself or your values for his attention. Women have always, and will always have the need to feel safe and secure with the man she loves. This need is undeniable. Furthermore, it is met when he respects your parameters. The reassurance that he truly respects you as a woman as best he knows how will then better enable your love for him to be healthy, simple, true and lasting.

Once You Learn How To Be The Mystery He Has To Solve, You'll Have His Devotion.

A good man doesn't need or want you to be predictable all of the time. The worthwhile man appreciates that you have interests apart from him. He also believes you'll be there for him when it honestly matters.....and you will! So, let yourself be the self assured woman you are, deep inside. Honestly, it really is your birthright to be fabulous. The truth is, once you embrace your individuality and your autonomy, you'll have a good man's undivided attention forever.


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Comments 17 comments

MsDora profile image

MsDora 3 years ago from The Caribbean

Savvydating, you have certainly given us women a lot to think about. "The desperate woman is the narcissistic man’s prey." This is the truth. Desperate women don't have time to think about what they're doing. We should know who we are and not have to prove ourselves to anyone. Voted Up!

savvydating profile image

savvydating 3 years ago Author

I appreciate your insightful comment, Ms.Dora. Indeed, women really have to begin taking inventory of well meaning, but desperate actions. Thank you much for the Vote up!

Ranzi profile image

Ranzi 3 years ago from All Over

This is an excellent hub and educational to so many women out there who act like door mats or have no idea about the psychology of human nature in dating. Having said that, only treat men how they treat you, if he is good to you and does romantic stuff, nothing wrong with showing gratitude and doing something nice back. However, once he starts to slip and take advantage, then it's important to take two steps back. At the same time speaking of narcissist, we must remember that every narcissist has their opposite, the masochist who gets off on ill treatment and if you put a good man in from of him/her they will not appreciate that and run after the next narcissist who mistreats them.

Voted up, awesome and shared with my followers

savvydating profile image

savvydating 3 years ago Author

Hello Ranzi,

Thank you for stopping by. Yes, for sure, women must show gratitude when men do nice things for them. Men need praise and, in fact, will leave a marriage if appreciation is rarely expressed by their wives. You're an incredibly insightful young woman, and I do appreciate all of your spot-on comments. No doubt, you're the sort of lady who knows how to keep a man on his toes!!

I appreciate your votes, and your sharing - very much! -Savvy

Faith Reaper profile image

Faith Reaper 3 years ago from southern USA

Excellent advice here for all single women, and I hope that all single women do read this article! I will share with my daughter. I have been married forever LOL so... but the main thing that is of the utmost importance for women to realize is self-respect. Men can spot that in a minute, whether or not they have self-respect.

I may have shared this before, but my son, when he was single, so very handsome and all the young ladies would just truly bug him to death! They would call incessantly and that was an immediate turn off to him. Men truly do not like women who are that clingy and need to constantly be in contact with them, every minute of the day. The one that won his heart is the one who did not do such!

Up and more and sharing

Blessings, Faith Reaper

savvydating profile image

savvydating 3 years ago Author

Hi Faith Reaper! So nice to have you here for a visit. Thank you kindly for sharing the story about your son and for validating my article with such positive comments, not to mention the votes.

For sure, self respect and a certain amount of independence truly are key if a woman wants to keep a man interested and intrigues - it's really the only way to go. I appreciate your sharing this article with your daughter - it's a wonderful compliment. You're the kindest woman!

DDE profile image

DDE 3 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

Women are too eager to please because they just want to be good in the eyes of another and believe it or not there are still even in the time of today are women who want to please and be what others want them to be. An interesting thought here. Voted up and useful.

savvydating profile image

savvydating 3 years ago Author

Hi DDE. My brother told me a true story of a player he knows. The guy told my brother, (and I paraphrase) "What you want to do is get insecure women, because they'll give you anything (sexual) you want." This man is a good example of why women have to NO bend over backwards to please someone else, at the expense of their own souls.

I appreciate your stopping by; it's always a pleasure to hear from you. Thank you so much for the votes.

Brenda Durham 3 years ago

Ahh this is all so true.

savvydating, if I'd known all this years ago when I was young and dating, I'd probably have saved myself a lot of heartache and bad relationships.

Thanks for the hub. Very useful, beautiful, and interesting. Rated as such and UP.

savvydating profile image

savvydating 3 years ago Author

Nice to see you here, Brenda Durham... the main thing I always try to get across to women is to simply realize her worth, whether a man is present in her life or not. It's the only way to attract quality men when all is said and done. I do so appreciate your votes, by the way, and I'll be back to visit your hubs. I very much like your topics!

Brenda Durham 3 years ago

Thank you! I'd love to hear your thoughts on any of them!

Yes, it's vital for a woman to realize her worth. Hopefully your wisdom and encouragement will reach lots of women before they fall into the self-deprecation pit.

Melissa 2 years ago

Excellent article. Very insightful, empowering, and well-written. I'll be reading more from you.

savvydating profile image

savvydating 2 years ago Author

Hi Melissa,

I'm delighted that you found the article empowering. When all is said and done, it is my ultimate goal to help women believe in themselves, fiercely... and stand by it! That doesn't mean we have to become like men as some women sometimes wrongly assume. It simply means we begin appreciating all aspects of ourselves.. both yin and yang!

poetryman6969 profile image

poetryman6969 2 years ago

There's no such thing as a woman too eager to please!!!

savvydating profile image

savvydating 2 years ago Author

Uh, right. We can only dream. Thanks for dropping by poetryman!

realtalk247 profile image

realtalk247 22 months ago

Great article. There are so many women who don't know their worth and/or lose their identity when it comes to a man. Stuck by the phone, making their entire world a man that has not done anything more than show up. Suddenly you don't have time for girlfriends, family, or anyone else other than being available for this person.

A relationship is an addition to your is not the source of your life. So many women do not know their worth. It's sad. Women that neglect their career and job advancement because they are living every moment for this "maybe man" in their life. Sad. Sad.

Although we have all learned valuable lessons in life, knowing your worth is priceless.

savvydating profile image

savvydating 22 months ago Author

Hi realtalk247! " is not the source of your life." Well said---For real!!!. It's like Taylor Swift says, "You don't have to try (try,try,I,I,I) so hard." :) And indeed, every woman is priceless. Thank you for stopping by to leave such sage words. I'll plan on visiting your site sometime tomorrow now that I've learned we are kindred spirits when it comes to our views on women in relationships!

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