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Affairs with Married Men

Updated on November 23, 2016

Mistake or Character Flaw?

Veronica,

I'm having an affair with a married man. I am a 33 year old professional woman with a full life and solid career. When we first got involved 4 years ago it was fun. After time I have realized my love for him is so deep. I want him to leave his wife but I am afraid he won't. He says he loves me so much more than his wife, but his wife is a pitiful, clingy, dependant and he doesn't know how to leave her. I am at my wits end. What are your thoughts on this?

Signed,

Lonely

***********

Dearest Lonely,

My thoughts on this, are that you are an ass. No judgment, just honesty here.

I always think it's funny when the mistress believes that the wife is the fool. She sleeps in his bed, bares his children, cashes his paychecks, spends Christmas and vacations with him, and is the one he bends over backward to protect. You are the one signing your name as "lonely". Which one of you do you honestly think is the pitiful one?

I do feel sorry for you. And for the wife for that matter. It sucks to be lied to. And both of you are being lied to. He lies to his wife obviously. And he lies to you when he tells you he doesn't know how to leave his wife and all that other bullshit. Honey, if he wanted out, he'd be out.

Will a married (or significantly committed/attached man) leave his significant other for you? Sometimes.

Take actress/playboy model Kristy Swanson and champion figure skater Lloyd Eisler for example. They met on the FOX TV show in 2005, Skating with the Stars. He was married at the time. His wife was 8 months pregnant when he left her for Kristy. Another example is the infamous Britney Spears and Kevin Federline affair, marriage, and divorce. So, yes. Yes, a married man may leave his family for you, especially if you are wealthier or more famous than his wife is.

But your odds of this happening are slim. Your married man has no intention of leaving his wife. You've given him proof of 4 years that you accept and allow his behavior. He has no reason to change it.

You said when this started, it was fun. And I want to elaborate on that. Sex is fun. Sex is natural, and healthy, and animal and basic. It's one of the greatest things about life on earth.

The thing that is not fun, is the lying.

I know couples with open relationships. What I admire about them, is honesty. You see the honest theme weaved throughout all of my HUBS. One couple, Erik and Ken, have been together for over 20 years. They are a loving committed couple, who have been honest with each other about their needs, and have respectfully found a compromise that works for them, which is NOBODY'S BUSINESS BUT THEIRS. Their honesty and their arrangement works for them. I think it's beautiful that they communicate so well, and accept each other so completely.

The difference between them, and you, is the dishonesty. The lying. They are an honest couple, showing each other respect and value. You and your married men are liars. What you're doing to your married man's wife is cruel. And don't say he's the one doing it, not you. You're every much as responsible for it as he is.

Lonely, let me ask you this. Would you really want to be with a man that you know for a fact lies to his life partner? He stood at the alter and promised himself to this woman, and now lies to her, goes behind her back, calls her dependant and clingy, and fucks another woman in secret. And we don't know how many other women just like you he has. Do you really want to be committed to man that isn't capable of respect and honesty? Do you really want this guy??

People make mistakes. I can sympathize with some married guy that gets confused, makes a huge error in judgment, does something stupid, and then regrets it. That's not what happened here. 4 years?? He's not a good guy that made a huge mistake. He's an asshole.

I can also sympathize with the fact that some marriages don't work. People get married too young, fall in and out of love, change, grow... have kids that either one of them or both of them didn't actually want or didn't actually think about. Money, careers, in laws... there are a lot of reasons marriages don't work out. These things happen. And if he and his wife just fell out of love for whatever reason, I would sympathize with that and wish him well moving on.

But even if that is his case scenario, he isn't in the process of changing his life. He isn't communicating with his wife, and taking the brave road here like a man. He's a lying cheating coward. 4 years worth. Come on, Lonely. Put yourself in that wife's shoes.

I would not have come down so hard on you had the two of you had some fling. Anyone can make a mistake. Even a big mistake. It is part of the human condition to fuck up. The difference between a mistake and a character flaw should be obvious. The long 4 year time factor, let alone the lies he tells his wife and about his wife, are proof.

Also, I would not have come down so hard on you had you sounded content, and signed your email happily. You are obviously miserable. You are afraid he won't leave his wife, clearly this reveals you wish to break up his marriage. You admit you are lonely. You aren't a healthy happy person engaging in this thing and going on with your life. You've let it become crushing and manipulating, you've let it ruin your self esteem and your happiness. And you've let it define you. It's time to stop.

A new door can not open until you close an old door. Change your life. Invite better things in for yourself.

My wish for you is that you re-find your value: that you see your self worth and that you realize it is not celebrated in this affair. I wish for you to see this guy for what he really is and not for what you would like to pretend he is. I wish you would be honest - with yourself and with everyone else. I wish you happiness.

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Thanks!

All text is original content by Veronica.

All photos are used with permission.

All videos are used courtesy of Youtube.

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    Wife with 2 Kids 5 years ago

    @ HealingCome2Me.. Well put. I didn't have the time to put all of that but you definitely put it into a very clear prospective. Affairs hurt. Affairs Devistate. Affairs scar. Affairs do so much unmentionable damage and yet people get so caught up in them everyday because they are so caught up in the "Moment". I wish you the best Healing. You seem to be a woman who has been hurt by this selfish act. (I could be wrong - hopefully I am). In any event, I really wish you and ALL of the women who are going through a healing process due to an affair the very very best...

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    HealingComing2Me 5 years ago

    @jenichelle,

    If you don’t mind let’s put things in perspective. First and far most, did you take your marriage vows serious or not? If you did, don’t you owe it to your husband and family to make wise decisions based on the happiness as a family and not you as an individual? That same feeling you have for the OM, did you not have it for your husband at one point? (You did marry him!) If you would only make the decision in your mind and heart to do the right thing and be committed as you promise in your vows, you can rekindle your relationship and at the very least respect!!! However, the same investment you put in this marriage that has now gone flat (from your perspective) will only be repeated in your next relationship with the OM because you lack character that causes you to so easily fall in love with someone outside of your relationship. Ask yourself “how and why did I allow my heart to go un guarded to the point I’m in love with another outside my marriage?” “Would I like it if the way I got involved with OM be acceptable if my husband did it to me?” You’re bringing chaos into your family’s life and I don’t believe you’ve truly counted the cost nor impact it will have on how your children will manage their relationships in the future. That’s why marriage and relationships have deteriorated over the years because too many people cause devastation in their homes and their hurt children repeat the same destructive behavior and past the hurts to others and break other relationships. This Vicious cycle are initiated by people such as yourself who jumps from relationship to relationship instead working on their vows or breaking up in order that they may seek counseling for self awareness, working on their character, morality and becoming whole again. Be a whole and healthy person instead of a broken person running on feelings causing chaos in other’s lives brings a quicker healing and mends the tear you’ve caused in your relationship with your husband and kids. “I’m not in love with my husband anymore” is influenced by wrong choices made, pouring your love and affection to another instead of your husband (OM sure didn’t deserve it! He’s not paying your bills and helping raise your kids –not so sure if he’s great with his own family…look how he treats his wife and kids) and not respecting or looking at your husband with less admiration causes you to say that. Is your husband that unlovable that you can’t look past his faults of not being perfect? Are you perfect? Are his flaws adaptable? Or are his flaws so hideous that it causes your family to hurt financially, physically and emotionally? As far as the OM, wow can’t you see he still has feelings for his wife and family? Now, you’re second choice currently. Why would you want to be part of breaking a family up? Why are you not concern about destroying your own? Do you really believe there are no consequences for your selfish choices? If you were honorable and leaving a marriage without the influence of another and not leaning on other circumstances to help you emotionally well then I would say I admire you for trying to leave a marriage with honor and trying to work on your character and becoming a better person leaving minimum collateral damages without extra negative elements against your husband. Breaking a vow abruptly tears or severe the hearts involved. Good Luck and know the statics of those who enter into relationships such as the one you’re trying to initiated. Less than 5% survive. Do you have a plan when that relationship doesn’t work? Just remember we all struggle, we all want to be love in a healthy and right way and we all play a part in influencing the lives of others.

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    Wife with 2 Kids 5 years ago

    Jenichelle,

    Why don't you move on - regardless if the OM comes back or not since you've fallen out of love with your husband? I'm not judging you at all. But let's be honest. It's unfair to your husband who adores you to be your second choice. How would handle it if the roles were reversed? The OM seems like he is playing games. I've heard women tell me this same exact story soooo many times. They promise to leave the spouse because they are so in love, have the conversation, move on, etc. But when it comes down to it, they RARELY do it.. (Men, at least). Women are more prone to take it to the next step because of the emotional beings we are.

    Think about it. How devistated would you be if your husband was only with you by DEFAULT (and you were actually in love with him)? Perhaps even a temporary separation would help you clear your mind and figure out what you want.. It happens.. I get that. But don't treat your husband like a fall-back plan.

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    jenichelle 5 years ago

    Haven't posted in awhile, but need it again now. I have been married for 8 years and have two beautiful children 4 and 2. I have been very content in my marriage and we get along great. Two years ago I met a man from NYC (I live in Dallas). We had an instant connection. He too was married and has one child 2 yrs. old. We have met up 5 times in the last couple of years, texted/emailed constantly and are completely in love. We both decided last month to leave our spouses and we both had the conversations with them. I felt as though we were doing everything perfectly. So I thought. He then came back after his conversation saying he needed more time to end things with her and didn't want to have any regrets. He said she was so in shock and he felt as though he needed her to have a better understanding of it. We decided on No Contact. I totally understood. Why would I want him to move here, lose everything, and have regret? He felt like he needed to give his wife one last shot, but felt ultimately it wouldn't matter. He had lost the love for her as well. I came back to my husband kicking and screaming! I have lost it for my husband. There is nothing there. I am hoping it returns, but for now it is gone. I told him I didn't love him anymore...Well since the OM has been gone for awhile 14 days now, I am starting to see more clearly. I do think he will come back (he said after 3-6months), but do you think he really will? I feel like I am not giving my husband a shot due to me stalling and hoping the OM comes back?! What am I doing? I am a highly educated woman with an adoring husband, who made a stupid mistake and now I keep making mistakes! I feel like such a fool, but my love for him is sooo powerful. I can't stop thinking about him. I have tried all of the suggestions, but nothing seems to be working. help!

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    Wife and 2 kids 5 years ago

    It's been some time since I've posted on this hub. I come back periodically and review some of the postings that were made. I used to post under "Wife with 2 Children" for those of you that are recent participators of this forum.

    I myself am married. I am in a good marriage (as far as I know). I say it that way because a lot of the married women who find out that their husbands are having affairs think that they are in "good marriages". I recently had the privilege of meeting a woman who was married to her husband for almost 12 years. During the course of their marriage, they have had 3 girls, have made very intelligent financial investments, have lucrative properties, etc. In other words, they built a lot together, as a unit. She was very, very much in love with her husband. She didn't see a life without him. She was so wrapped up in him that she didn't notice the consistent late nights after work or the frequency in which he would go out. She trusted him so she didn't think to question why his phone would go off in wee-hours of the night (text messages). She accepted his explanation when he said that he was receiving emails from work. She thought that they were just going through a dry-spell when he wouldn't sleep with her. So she thought it was HER. She thought she had to spruce up her appearence. She spent a lot of money on new clothes, etc. She thought he was just consumed with work when he would hardly notice. (He's an Executive) Then she started really paying attention to him.. Now let me back up a second. I am in no way saying she is perfect. But she did what MOST women who are deeply in love with their man do... she did anything to make him happy..

    She remained trusting until one day, she finds an email between him and another woman on....(wait for it...) FACEBOOK. The email was incriminating to him to say the least. She gave me a copy of these emails. In some these emails, he is telling the OW how much of a bitch his wife is. And how cold she is to him. And how much she DOESN'T take care of herself. (that one really threw me for a loop - this girl trains regularly for marathons - she is in amazing shape). He told her how she is so dependant on him, etc. Then he begins to tell this OW how much of a joy she is to him, how wonderful, beautiful, etc. He really whipped out the bells and whistles for this woman. And how wonderful their sex life is.. and how he can't wait to have her again, etc. My heart hurt for this woman as I sat there and read how he readily threw his beautiful wife (literally) of 12 years under the bus for the sake of the OW sympathies and....sex.

    Needless to say, my client was devistated. She was crushed beyond belief. She's been married 12 years - what part of that was a lie and what part of that was true? My client wanted a divorce. No counseling, nothing. The confrontation was nasty. He was more upset that she looked through his email rather than being remorseful of his actions but then he came to himself. They went to marriage counseling. It didn't work. At the end of it, she divorced him and ended up with nearly everything. He pays child support for 3 children and alimony. Her nightmare didn't end there, however. She tested positive for HIV... She contracted the virus from her husband who got the virus from the OW...

    I write all of that to implore you both; the married people (both men and women) and the OW that find themselves in a compromising situation. Situations like the one I just described happen MORE than you believe. There ARE consequences to these actions. You are not only hurting yourself, you are hurting your family.. your wife/husband. Count the cost. If you don't love your spouse, leave them.. Spare them the pain and devistation of an affair........

  • profile image

    HealingComing2Me 5 years ago

    Thank You Veronica. I appreciate you for opening this hub. It has inspired me to write two books (one for mistresses and for the wife). It is my desire that both wife and mistress gets healed. Women are pearls! And should be treated as such.

  • Lala_Lisa profile image

    Lala_Lisa 5 years ago

    Thank you Veronica and HealingComing2Me. Enough is enough with the immaturity and attacking by Phaidrah. I learned a lot watching it, about being in such a low and sad place, and having that kind of character to be like that. I don't ever want to be that sad and mean and bitter, or that self involved. So I am glad it was all on here, it was so eye opening what can happen. But enough is enough now.

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    Veronica 5 years ago from NY

    HealingComing2Me,

    Thank you so much for posting what everyone is thinking. You summed up Phaidrah perfectly and eloquently.

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    HealingComing2Me 5 years ago

    @Phaidrah

    You're in denial about your character and you're emotionally IMMATURE. I don't expect you to care b/c you don't care about people in general. Afterall, look at your disposition on this blog. You're looking for someone who's in your same situation to justify your horrible actions. The way you attack people on this blog exposes your character. As life progresses you're look back and reflect on your actions and will deem it was not appropriate.

  • Phaidrah profile image

    Phaidrah 5 years ago from NYC

    My point is a person should not want to commit suicide based on a failed/false love with a man who was never available. She saw this broken's man character from the onset. I never blamed her because it doesn't matter who pursued who. What matters is the fact she needs to hold herself accountable for placing herself into this situation and thinking about suicide is not a way to deal with a situation that may very well be karma (sowing and reaping process) that she has operating in her life. The wife was probably suicidal as well and maybe that why she's affected in such a way.

    This is BS. Mean, condescending, haughty and just complete BS.

    "Sowing and reaping"? Really? Please. No clue why you think this is helpful. It's not. You're just vomiting your projections here and that's it.

    And you should make up your mind soon. Are you freaking Christian? Or are you Hindu? Or have you a mind of your own?

    Don't answer that. I don't give a damn.

  • profile image

    HealingComing2Me 5 years ago

    @Phaidrah

    E V I L? Is not the act of engaging in extra-marital affairs with a MM EVIL & WICKED acts against wife and children?

    No E V I L was intended and it depends on the character and perspective of a person's heart that will declare it evil or not.

    My point is a person should not want to commit suicide based on a failed/false love with a man who was never available. She saw this broken's man character from the onset. I never blamed her because it doesn't matter who pursued who. What matters is the fact she needs to hold herself accountable for placing herself into this situation and thinking about suicide is not a way to deal with a situation that may very well be karma (sowing and reaping process) that she has operating in her life. The wife was probably suicidal as well and maybe that why she's affected in such a way.

    AGAIN, I never blamed her or the OW b/c that is irrelevant. It's the fact one should be mature enough to accept consequences of a horrible choice she willfully engage in her life.

    I understand these MM prey on OW but they have a choice to continue the false illusion to carry on with a MM. That's when the become the enabler to the MM man's sin and the wife doesn't have that choice when she is being betrayed.

    Honestly, when I read ALL of IT6yrs' post...I discern a scorned mistress who's angry that she was treated the same way and How could it happened to me syndrome. I discern she's angry at herself for allowing it. She's going through the emotional tearing that a wife goes through and it's hard for her because she has created a soul-tie with this man and b/c he has ripped it with no closure it's unbearable. How is it she feels like this for a MM knowing this scenario may happen?...it's b/c she's receiving that same feeling she's caused on the wife. (KARMA~ sowing and reaping)

    @It6yrs

    No E V I L or cruelty is intended!!!!

    Did the wife personally tell you it didn't bother her?

    PLEASE don't let your feelings that were built on a LIE destroy your future. LEARN from this, take responsibility and make it a point that you will no longer be another MM's toy,FWB, or lust reliever. For every moment spent with a MM you're losing the possibility of building meaniful memories with an available man or time getting to know your future man. Always remember it's an illusion when you are making a soul-tie relationships with MM. Say to yourself

    ~I have dignity, I respect myself and have inner beauty I have yet to tap into!

    ~I'm worthy and will not share my man with another. I have self-esteem, I'm attractive and I'm an ASSET to an available man.

    ~I'm not an Enabler...I refuse to be part of destroying another woman's life b/c it will effect me mentally, morally, emotionally and physically ( he will not use my body for his pleasure).

    ~We all make mistakes, This is one mistake I have learned from and will not repeat again.

    ~PRAY TO GOD that He helps you heal quickly. Looking for another to fill the void will hurt you in the long run...unless of course, the new man is sent to help you heal and help you to rediscover your inner beauty.

    I can't not stress enough if you continue to reflect off responsibility in your part in this hurt and not hold your actions accountable to the consequences along with the anger you will allow bitterness to root and other men will pick up on that negative energy. (It can come in the form of low self-esteem, scornful woman, lack of confidence....bottom line it's unattractive to men.)

  • profile image

    HealingComing2Me 5 years ago

    @Phaidrah

    E V I L? Is not the act of engaging in extra-marital affairs with a MM EVIL & WICKED acts against wife and children?

    No E V I L was intended and it depends on the character and perspective of a person's heart that will declare it evil or not.

    My point is a person should not want to commit suicide based on a failed/false love with a man who was never available. She saw this broken's man character from the onset. I never blamed her because it doesn't matter who pursued who. What matters is the fact she needs to hold herself accountable for placing herself into this situation and thinking about suicide is not a way to deal with a situation that may very well be karma (sowing and reaping process) that she has operating in her life. The wife was probably suicidal as well and maybe that why she's affected in such a way.

    AGAIN, I never blamed her or the OW b/c that is irrelevant. It's the fact one should be mature enough to accept consequences of a horrible choice she willfully engage in her life.

    I understand these MM prey on OW but they have a choice to continue the false illusion to carry on with a MM. That's when the become the enabler to the MM man's sin and the wife doesn't have that choice when she is being betrayed.

    Honestly, when I read ALL of IT6yrs' post...I discern a scorned mistress who's angry that she was treated the same way and How could it happened to me syndrome. I discern she's angry at herself for allowing it. She's going through the emotional tearing that a wife goes through and it's hard for her because she has created a soul-tie with this man and b/c he has ripped it with no closure it's unbearable. How is it she feels like this for a MM knowing this scenario may happen?...it's b/c she's receiving that same feeling she's caused on the wife. (KARMA~ sowing and reaping)

    @It6yrs

    No E V I L or cruelty is intended!!!! PLEASE don't let your feelings that were built on a LIE destroy your future. LEARN from this, take responsibility and make it a point that you will no longer be another MM's toy,FWB, or lust reliever. For every moment spent with a MM you're losing the possibility of building meaniful memories with an available man or time getting to know your future man. Always remember it's an illusion when you are making a soul-tie relationships with MM. Say to yourself

    ~I have dignity, I respect myself and have inner beauty I have yet to tap into!

    ~I'm worthy and will not share my man with another. I have self-esteem, I'm attractive and I'm an ASSET to an available man.

    ~I'm not an Enabler...I refuse to be part of destroying another woman's life b/c it will effect me mentally, morally, emotionally and physically ( he will not use my body for his pleasure).

    ~We all make mistakes, This is one mistake I have learned from and will not repeat again.

    ~PRAY TO GOD that He helps you heal quickly. Looking for another to fill the void will hurt you in the long run...unless of course, the new man is sent to help you heal and help you to rediscover your inner beauty.

    I can't not stress enough if you continue to reflect off responsibility in your part in this hurt and not hold your actions accountable to the consequences along with the anger you will allow bitterness to root and other men will pick up on that negative energy. (It can come in the form of low self-esteem, scornful woman, lack of confidence....bottom line it's unattractive to men.)

  • Phaidrah profile image

    Phaidrah 5 years ago from NYC

    @lt6yrs

    I am SO sorry to hear about how you have been doing! Please know that we understand and please disregard what Healing has just said. I know where you are at and I wish I could hug you now.

    You just cannot help who you fall in love with and this guy just sounds to me like he has had too many affairs here. Please hang in there ok? Start your NC over and just don't ever talk to him again.

    @Healing

    What is your point with this? What? Someone says they are suicidal and you say this shit to them? E V I L!!!!!!

    It's easy to make like as simple as "enabling" isn't it? Isn't it? Not so easy when you are wrapped up in it though. I am SURE that the OP did not chase this man down because you see they DO seduce women outside the marriage. Maybe you are a W and you would rather believe that it's the woman who runs after the married guy just WANTING to get hurt? Sorry but most of the time it is not the case.

    That was completely cruel.

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    it6yrs 5 years ago

    hmm very deep i think you should know though that his wife has not been hurt as she doesnt have any idea what hes really like.....and there are no kids involved at all. i try everyday to move on and i am getting there. he and his wife however will go on the same way he will always play around and she will always be in the dark

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    HealingComing2Me 5 years ago

    Wow, and just think...you're feeling a small part of what the wife is feeling and the hurt you caused to his family by enabling him to do this.

    Why commit suicide for a man who was never yours? Why give so much power to a man who did you the same as he's doing to his wife? What made you any different that you wouldn't be treated the same way? I wish women who chooses to be the enablers to their CHEATS/MM will realize they causing this destruction to happen in their lives. I've never met a mistress who's played a part in a man leaving his wife to be happy in the long run. Once the honeymoon is over, the vicious cycle repeats itself within the man because he's a broken man.

  • profile image

    it6yrs 5 years ago

    hi phaidrah

    wow thats brill news im so happy for you i hope it all works out. ive not been on here for awhile been going through a bad bad time. id not heard or been intouch with my mm for 3mnths and was so so sad and unhappy so i got intouch just to say hi, he didnt reply and it made me worse as weve dont this before and we always end up chatting again and thats all i wanted his friendship as ive known him for 10 years and i miss him so much.

    anyway i felt suicidel but this week getting stronger only to have another blow ive been told by a old friend who works with him that hes moved on to his 5th affair now..... so i now know that it is well and truely gone and that i will never hear or see him again. carnt tell you how painful it is i feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest.

  • Phaidrah profile image

    Phaidrah 5 years ago from NYC

    Wow. My MM has just announced to me that he is leaving his wife.

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    lynath 5 years ago

    Hatred,

    I hope you are still reading. I understand how you feel and my heart goes out to you.The rage at the injustice and pain of it all can be overwhelming. I am concerned at your comment that you are seeking revenge. My advice to you is to do nothing that will only serve to cause either you and/or your mother further pain and suffering. Do not do anything that will have consequences for you even if you think it would feel good at the time. It is not worth wasting another minute of your time or energy on these people who have already proven they don't care about your feelings and well being.

  • Njackson22 profile image

    Njackson22 5 years ago from KY

    I guess that I feel the need to share my story. My married man I was so in love with was my best friend since high school. I moved 6 hours away when I was 16 and he was 17. I promised him I'd be back when I turned 18 and I was going to do just that, but he got a girl pregnant and decided to go to the Navy to support that child. One night stand turned him into a father. When he went he declared his love for me in every letter in every phone call, he even had her go through me to send him letters in the Navy. 2 years in and he still declared his love for me. He always called her Wifey so I never thought anything about it until I asked him if we were going to be together in the next two years and he said that wifey was his wife for real they had been married for 6 months. I was mad and hurt that he didn't tell me. Now I tried cutting him loose but the hardest thing to do is walk away from the love of your life and bestfriend. changed my number but he still emailed me still found ways to contact me. Once when we came back to our hometown we thought it was okay to meet as friends... yea it wasn't, we slept together and though I was back on the highway home never for that to happen again he told her he cheated. Imagine my frustration at that. I wasn't upset when she called me cussing me out threatening me that was fine I only got upset when she'd gotten my home number where i lived with my mother granny and little sister at the time and asked for the BITCH. She had my cell she could have called me on that and called me out of my name but had my mother or granny picked up the phone? lets just say I woulda been on the highway. they were innocent in this. Now this story is too long to tell the entire 8 years of back and forth. he actually did leave once but then went back once i kicked him out for saying he needed to go to an interview. which if you were moving why would you need to go to that interview. I tried to be friends just saparingly which is hard to do when he refuses your wishes of not declaring your love every other second. I was short and bitter with him because i knew that it really did her him that I was not his friend. 2008 I married, and cut the friendship even more my husband hated him (understandable). 2010 I separated (that's another story nothing to do with this one. Moved out and here he comes again wanting to be friends. i was fine with that actually I was over him really over him and I did the unthinkable. We were chatting online and I asked him to put his wife on. I apologized to her for all the pain that I caused over the years and was truly sorry for everything. She accepted. He and I are still friends but to a much lesser extent that we were before and her and I are actually better friends than me and him. Mainly because throughout all of this he cheated not only with me but multiple others and I felt sorry for her she held on with everything that she had and in the end turned out to be much stronger than I am. But the GOOD NEWS is that just last week I spoke with him and Finally after so many years of doing wrong he is trying to work this out and commit. You can say yeah right but for the first time since they have been together he actually sounds as though he has truly fallen in love with his wife. :-) I couldn't be more happy for the both of them. I just wanted to share my tidbit, not everything is so black and white when it comes to affairs.

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    Troubled Times 5 years ago

    We make choices and sometimes bad ones and everyone suffers. I hurt.. My affair partner hurts and I love her . We are trying both to end this right now and move on as we know its the right thing and finding it very very difficult.

  • Phaidrah profile image

    Phaidrah 5 years ago from NYC

    Yeah Veronica....that's ok. I may have just been up late and not remembering or something. No worries.

    @troubled times...

    yes it is powerful...it sucks too b/c I am starting to think that because of this all too common occurrence it may not be such a natural thing to be with one person forever. It just does not makes sense given how long people are living nowadays and how much people change in every way possible...most at least.

    Not so easy for people who fall for taken ones too...worse I should say....they are usually alone while the married ones have a whole family.

  • profile image

    Troubled Times 5 years ago

    Best site I have seen and have never joined one. I really believe that we are humans and can make mistakes and fall in love. Iam a MM and fell out of love with my wife for 7 years just kinda were living as roommates. I met someone else and it started as just fun but has grown into mutual love. My wife has turned around for me but Iam in love with another. I cannot believe how powerful this all is and just dont know what to do..The OW hates the situation but we BOTH cant stop seein eachother...

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    selfishcon 5 years ago

    Must I tell my partner or not. I have stopped everything but if i don tell him then I know it will kill him and his faith. He has sacrificed so much for me, maybe he would be happy without me?

  • Veronica profile image
    Author

    Veronica 5 years ago from NY

    Phaldrah, I don't have any from you that aren't posted or have been denied. And I just read through the entire spam folder.

  • Phaidrah profile image

    Phaidrah 5 years ago from NYC

    Not sure why my comments are not being posted again :(

  • Phaidrah profile image

    Phaidrah 5 years ago from NYC

    @ stolenlives

    Hi. Nice to see you post again. Yeah well I had thought about telling her at one time but honestly, now he has NOTHING to do with me. Nothing. The last time we had anything to do with each other was when I ran into him while I was out one evening and spilled my guts about how I loved him etc. Even though he tormented me with some touching etc he still rejected me as he has done for the last good bit of time. He will tell me how wonderful I am and that he loves me and touchie feelie and then tell me how in love with his wife he is.

    So since then? Well he has been avoiding me completely. I know it is for the best but it feels so terrible I cannot describe. The depression just sucks. All this guy needed was an ego boost and when he got it....he was gone.

    So no need to tell her now really...and also I am moving away very soon so I will not be around it at all anymore.

    How are things with you by the way?

    @it6yrs

    Wow that is plain awesome! And i mean after 2 months only? Really good. Yeah I am really looking forward to not seeing him anymore soon. Every time I have to see him now I feel like I have to throw up I feel so horrible.

  • Veronica profile image
    Author

    Veronica 5 years ago from NY

    Dear lt6yrs,

    It's my article.

    Please refrain from telling any one of my readers not to comment on my article.

    Thank you. And thanks for your comments,

    V

    Dear Hatred,

    Darlin, you're singing my song.

    My asshole father had many affairs and left us when I was 10 years old for one of them. Of course he eventually cheated on her and wrecked her life too. Then he came back to my mother. It was a horror story that just kept getting worse. He's dead now. I'm 45. There's still unhealed damage.

    But you knew my position from the very first sentence of my response in this article.

    I moderate all comments. With about 280 Hubs on this site to date that's lots of comments, lots of spam, and lots of comments the site flagged as spam incorrectly. If you don't see your comment just be patient. I will find and post it, it just takes me a minute sometimes.

    Thanks,

    V

    Dear Everyone,

    I don't like to comment here. But I will post just about all of yours. I have 3 simple rules:

    1 - Don't speak for me or misquote me.

    2 - Don't post under different names.

    3 - And don't bash or name-call. It's Ok if you're heated. But try to keep it within reason. 'Know what I mean? (It's alright if you don't. That's why I moderate.)

    You're all welcome here. You're all welcome to express your opinions. Thanks.

    As you were,

    Veronica

  • profile image

    Hatred 5 years ago

    First of all,I 'm not blaming only the other women. You're BOTH to blame. I mean it's 50-50. I hate the fact that you're trying to portray yourself as the saint in this situation when you're definitely not.

    Second of all, I hope that I won't walk awhile in the other woman's shoes. I cannot be part of what I fight. You argument makes no sense. If a murderer murders, I don't have to 'walk awhile in the murderer's shoes' to say that murder is wrong. If a rapist rapes, I don't have to 'walk awhile in the rapist's shoes' to say that rape is wrong. Same thing with adultery.

    Third of all, I have the right to express my opinion. If you don't like it because it's not music to your ears, then it's not my problem.

    And I hope that my comment will appear this time. I've tried being a bit more civil.

  • profile image

    it6yrs 5 years ago

    hatred. dont blame the other woman luv. he must of set out to look elsewhere. there all the same. i was with a m m and my father many years ago now left me as a child to have another family. i was bitter like you to but the hatred will eat you up.

    if your so upset dont come on this site and comment untill you walk awhile in the other womans shoes....

    hey phaidrah i to used to see my m m at work and like you my resolve faultered everytime i saw him and felt sick so i left my job it carried on but i knew out of sight out of mind would kick in and i guess it did as he saw me less n less till i said no more 2mnths now with no contact. and this morning i didnt think about him till around midday thats a break through.

  • profile image

    Hatred 5 years ago

    "I know of several couples that are happily together after having affairs in their marriage and ending up together."

    Disgusting. I don't want to live anymore really. I don't want to live in this society anymore. Why do people pity the bitch more than they pity us? Just DISGUSTING.

    Yes, my bastard of a dad and his bitch were one of those people who ended up together after having an affair. And you're saying that it's ok because it's what makes him happy? Please! His 'happiness' is causing us misery and pain. But it won't last long because I'm going to take my revenge on them.

  • profile image

    stolenlives 5 years ago

    Phadriah - you need to tell your MM's wife about the affair, not for revenge, but because she deserves to know and he needs to be accountable for his actions.

    It's the only way for you can be free of him - really free of him -it will keep you accountable also.

  • profile image

    Hatred 5 years ago

    So first of all I'm utterly disgusted. I'm disgusted at women wanting 'their' married man to get a divorce just because of them. I'm utterly DISGUSTED at people saying that it's the wives' fault and shit like this.

    I'm also utterly disgusted at people saying that oooooohhh the adulterous woman is 'a caring, loving' sweet lady 'who got caught up' blah blah BLAH. Really?

    Well, tell you what? Come and live with me. The dick whom I call 'my father' abandoned us for another woman. We are living in hell right now. The slut got what she wanted: a divorce, and I don't know how she manages to put her head on the pillow and freakin sleep at night! My mum, and my siblings and I are just having too many financial problems.

    And then you come and tell me that the adulterous women are poor women who deserve better? That whore deserves the bastard of my father. That's all she deserves. And I wish that he would cheat on her, so that she'll know what it feels like. I mean Jesus Christ! No wonder I am about to lose faith in humanity! No wonder I'm waiting to have my revenge!

    Does my father have a right to be happy? Of course. But NOT at the expense of our unhappiness! And then you expect me to pity you? WTF?

    I pity myself, my siblings and my mum! You're not the freakin victims here! I don't think the MM chained you to the bed and fu**** forced you to bone him! You're just as guilty as he is! WE ARE the victims! The family that gets to the suffer the consequences! UNBELIEVABLE!

  • profile image

    Hatred 5 years ago

    So first of all I'm utterly disgusted. I'm disgusted at women wanting 'their' married man to get a divorce just because of them. I'm utterly DISGUSTED at people saying that it's the wives' fault and shit like this.

    I'm also utterly disgusted at people saying that oooooohhh the adulterous woman is 'a caring, loving' sweet lady 'who got caught up' blah blah BLAH. Really?

    Well, tell you what? Come and live with me. The dick whom I call 'my father' abandoned us for another woman. We are living in hell right now. The slut got what she wanted: a divorce, and I don't know how she manages to put her head on the pillow and freakin sleep at night! My mum, and my siblings and I are just having too many financial problems.

    And then you come and tell me that the adulterous women are poor women who deserve better? That whore deserves the bastard of my father. That's all she deserves. And I wish that he would cheat on her, so that she'll know what it feels like. I mean Jesus Christ! No wonder I am about to lose faith in humanity! No wonder I'm waiting to have my revenge! If people are on my father's and HER side, then this world is really f***** up! Disgusting!

    Does my father have a right to be happy? Of course. But NOT at the expense of our unhappiness! And then you expect me to pity you? WTF?

    I pity myself, my siblings and my mum! You're not the freakin victims here! I don't think the MM chained you to the bed and fu**** forced you to bone him! You're just as guilty as he is! WE ARE the victims! The family that gets to the suffer the consequences! UNBELIEVABLE!

  • Reves-diary profile image

    Reve 5 years ago from Dhaka

    You will have to be sure on what you are doing. Being in a relationship with a married women can get you in serious as well. However, it also depends on the situation you face. But its better to be sure before taking major steps of living together :)

  • Phaidrah profile image

    Phaidrah 5 years ago from NYC

    @it6yrs

    wow...so so so glad to read what you just wrote. That is hopeful isn't it? I am so happy for you words just canNOT describe.

    I am still feeling the depression but also I don't have the real effect of NC b/c I have to see him...

    When I do see him I am ruined for a few days. By the time I get over it I have to see him again. It sucks plain and simple.

    Once again this Friday I will be exposed to the poison....blechh...wish me luck...

    I take it you were involved for 6 years? I cannot even imagine.

  • profile image

    it6yrs 5 years ago

    hi p glad your a bit stronger. look forward to your fresh start with out him in your life. im stronger every day that passes. sadder with him than without i think..

    take care let me know how your getting on

  • Phaidrah profile image

    Phaidrah 5 years ago from NYC

    Yes that's what they do when you have been gone a while and they need an ego boost you know? The dance is what they call it. Mine started moving towards me once again as well as he noticed that I did not respond to him avoiding me. It's all B.S. I am better today and I am convinced that NC is simply the only plan that can make this better. Every day that I stay away is a better day. I have sadness but it is nothing compared to the daily hell that I go through should I be on any kind of speaking terms with him. I am looking forward to having my life back and being able to be happy again. Hope you can stay strong too.

    love,

    -P

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    it6yrs 5 years ago

    glad you feeling a little better. ive not been to bad weepy on saturday.hes back off his hol tuesday im thinking he will be intouch hopeing ive missed him and will want to start again... got to be strong.

    take care

  • Phaidrah profile image

    Phaidrah 5 years ago from NYC

    @it6years

    yeah I was so strong and then I got mixed up in it again. omg I could just shoot myself for that. Anyway, it is getting closer to me moving away and it is getting just weird. Now he just avoids me completely. it is just humiliating. I try every day to get back to the place that I was at. If I hadn't gone to several places that I KNEW he was going to be at I wold be a lot better now.

    So I already saw him for the week and I wont have to see him again until next Monday. Maybe I can gain some strength during that time. Every time I see the guy it makes me dysfunctional.

    Wishing you all are doing well.

    -P

  • profile image

    Lookinout4MEnow 5 years ago

    @Delusional,

    Good for u! Way to start doing things for urself! Funny how there are so many commonalities with these MM?!? They do have some insecurities which is why they seek the attention of other women! I agree with you on how great it is to be in love! I think that's what Ive been hanging on to! My MM made me feel like I've never felt before....however at one point I really thought I had a future with him but as time went by and still goes by, I see what a compulsive liar he is....time will always tell if he's yelling the truth or not. Another thing is, I too wasn't his 1st affair or 2nd, for that matter....what would make me any different that he would stop seeking extra curricular affairs!?! Even though he tells me he's never been in love like this before.

    It's been a couple of months when the shit hit the fan with his wife finding out....I've tried so many times to stop seeing him but I always give in! I admit I am weak when it comes to him! There are some weeks where I'm strong but I haven't been able to completely stay away! I am finding that as time goes by I'm getting better. U see he still says he is on the path of leaving his wife. Seeing is believing!

    To try to move on....I just recently started seeing another man, which is not fair to this guy bec it is clearly a rebound kinda thing, but it is helping me take my mind of my MM. I know that's wrong but the guy I started dating knows the whole story. He knows the both of us.

    I hope for all of our sakes those (the other woman/the wife/MM) that are going thru this, that we're able to find happiness! Wherever and whoever it is that will make us happy! I know of several couples that are happily together after having affairs in their marriage and ending up together. Don't get me wrong, I never want anyone to get hurt intentionally and having an affair is def the wrong way of dealing with current issues in marriages but from this forum, I see it happens more and more.

    I still think about my MM! I still love him! I'm going with the notion that if things are meant to be they'll be.

    Delusional, hope things turn around for u! Go out there and enjoy life! :)

  • profile image

    it6yrs 5 years ago

    phaidrah, take it a day at a time. i had a weepy day yesterday but a bit brighter today its swings and roundabouts. ive read some of your old comments on here how strong you were and the good advice you were giving everyone so chin up hun be strong you are better then him.

    hi delusion, had to laugh when i read your comments about your mm it sounds like mine... there all cut from the same cloth i think.

  • Phaidrah profile image

    Phaidrah 5 years ago from NYC

    Thank you it6yrs

    Yeah today is not so great. I saw him again and he was cruel to me as usual....and there I was still begging to be with him. He just insulted me a few times by telling me not to be so obvious in front of his kids. I pray I can get better this week.

  • Delusion profile image

    Delusion 5 years ago from Afffairs With Married Men

    ?Hi Gang:

    I Came across this question which I am to ask to myself every month "Do I want to be in this relationship more than I want to be out of it"? When the answer is no, then that is a good time to get out. This question places the choice back on me, where it is supposed to be. It is really never about anyone else, and gives me the responsibility to face my choice, decision and the outcome head on.

    I have not found the answer to be a no quite yet, what I have found Is a series of awarnesses which I hope will ring true, and bring strength and shed light like you guys have done for me still as we all go and grow through this process.

    I see many of us struggle with the off and on, break-up and make-up which I see as a nature of the beast (no pun intended), it does ring true, the beast part doesn't it? I also now see many other (symptoms) if you will; and I have come to some conclusions to help me cope for the time being.

    I know this is not a man I will end up with; yes, I desired him with the naive and knowledgeable parts of me, however time is wise and it reveals more than anyone or anything else could. It is with a bittersweet taste I say this, because to me; he is handsome, he is charming, he is smart... And more importantly, what he brought out in me; feelings I've never experienced before, sensuality unsurpassed, finding out what falling in love is... Yes, with the wrong person, granted, but falling in love all the same, wow. What a feeling! I can see why wars are fought over it, monuments are built for it, why Romeo and Juliet ... Well, you get the idea, this is why many of us find ourselves in this predicament with our hearts in our hands. Love. This MM is no different than any of yours, he says the same baloney you've heard written here, yes small variations, of course and to me he was my world. I say was because after four and a half years, this wonderful wise friend I told you about continues to show me that this man will not change, not for me, not for his wife. He has to change because he truly wants to, and not a moment sooner.

    The truth is, us women are brought into this world practically perfect. We are nurturing, pretty, creative, intelligent, curvaceous, sporty, naive, conservative, outspoken, sensual,adventurous,funny, femenine,interesting, inquisitive... Should I go on? No wonder it's hard for men. But not all men are unfaithful. I know that to be true and I find solace in that. So, the fact that we have exellent qualities means we are already pre-disposed to give it is in our DNA, so when a relationship comes along where the man is deficient in the giving, it is felt very much by the woman, I always would bang my head against the wall wondering and asking my MM why he wouldn't feed this fire we had...? I felt I was putting in all the wood, because he would only show up and soak up of all the fruit of my bounty, most difficult to receive from this type of man I have found out. Why? Well to begin with I hate to say it but they are as selfish as they come, I was not the only girl my MM had, in the beginning of the relationship, he has told me once he has a weakness for beautiful women.... His wife knew of someone he was seeing shorty after they have moved in together. So, talk about Stereotypes, they're in place for a reason.

    So, this would not be someone to spend the rest of my days with. I reckon with the thoughts of slowly letting him know the truth in how I feel, up until now he has believed what I believed; that I wanted to be with him at all cost. Not so much anymore, saying this to him will take a lot of the magic out of our get togethers because it places me in a light of:

    "I know you are a compulsive liar, addictively unfaithful and I have reconsidered my insane decision to spend the rest of my life with you, not to mention you have a problem with alcohol and you like to pop pills once in awhile... What a catch! Oh, and an anger issue.

    At this point, I am working to revitalize my mind, getting back into myself. Just had a bit of Plastic Surgery to get the years I lost back, beginning to assess friends that are worth while and the ones that aren't. Hobbies are making a comeback slowly. I know that the insecurity that allowed me to latch on to this MM will be pushed out by incorporating good things back into my head and emotions.

    Here is another revelation: He is an unhappy person, he seems to have always had more than one woman at a time, for me, this is a no brainer. I have feelings for this man but the truth has a way of making me look at this differently, and feeling differently. The enchantment is not there as much. I think I will enjoy being with him but it's hard to ignore the truth.

    Thanks for letting me share.

    ? ?

  • Delusion profile image

    Delusion 5 years ago from Afffairs With Married Men

    ?

    Hi Gang:

    I Came across this question which I am to ask it to myself every month "Do I want to be in this relationship more than I want to be out of it"? When the answer is no, then that is a good time to get out. This question places the choice back on me, where it is supposed to be. It is really never about anyone else, and gives me the responsibility to face my choice, decision and the outcome head on.

    I have not found the answer to be a no quite yet, what I have found Is a series of awarnesses which I hope will ring true, and bring strength and shed light like you guys have done for me still as we all go and grow through this process.

    I see many of us struggle with the off and on, break-up and make-up which I see as a nature of the beast (no pun intended), it does ring true, the beast part doesn't it? I also now see many other (symptoms) if you will; and I have come to some conclusions to help me cope for the time being.

    I know this is not a man I will end up with; yes, I desired him with the naive and knowledgeable parts of me, however time is wise and it reveals more than anyone or anything else could. It is with a bittersweet taste I say this, because to me; he is handsome, he is charming, he is smart... And more importantly, what he brought out in me; feelings I've never experienced before, sensuality unsurpassed, finding out what falling in love is... Yes, with the wrong person, granted, but falling in love all the same, wow. What a feeling! I can see why wars are fought over it, monuments are built for it, why Romeo and Juliet ... Well, you get the idea, this is why many of us find ourselves in this predicament with our hearts in our hands. Love. This MM is no different than any of yours, he says the same baloney you've heard written here, yes small variations, of course and to me he was my world. I say was because after four and a half years, this wonderful wise friend I told you about continues to show me that this man will not change, not for me, not for his wife. He has to change because he truly wants to, and not a moment sooner.

    The truth is, us women are brought into this world practically perfect. We are nurturing, pretty, creative, intelligent, curvaceous, sporty, naive, conservative, outspoken, sensual,adventurous,funny, femenine,interesting, inquisitive... Should I go on? No wonder it's hard for men. But not all men are unfaithful. I know that to be true and I find solace in that. So, the fact that we have exellent qualities means we are already pre-disposed to give it is in our DNA, so when a relationship comes along where the man is deficient in the giving, it is felt very much by the woman, I always would bang my head against the wall wondering and asking my MM why he wouldn't feed this fire we had...? I felt I was putting in all the wood, because he would only show up and soak up of all the fruit of my bounty, most difficult to receive from this type of man I have found out. Why? Well to begin with I hate to say it but they are as selfish as they come, I was not the only girl my MM had, in the beginning of the relationship, he has told me once he has a weakness for beautiful women.... His wife knew of someone he was seeing shorty after they have moved in together. So, talk about Stereotypes, they're in place for a reason.

    So, this would not be someone to spend the rest of my days with. I reckon with the thoughts of slowly letting him know the truth in how I feel, up until now he has believed what I believed; that I wanted to be with him at all cost. Not so much anymore, saying this to him will take a lot of the magic out of our get togethers because it places me in a light of:

    "I know you are a compulsive liar, addictively unfaithful and I have reconsidered my insane decision to spend the rest of my life with you, not to mention you have a problem with alcohol and you like to pop pills once in awhile... What a catch! Oh, and an anger issue.

    At this point, I am working to revitalize my mind, getting back into myself. Just had a bit of Plastic Surgery to get the years I lost back, beginning to assess friends that are worth while and the ones that aren't. Hobbies are making a comeback slowly. I know that the insecurity that allowed me to latch on to this MM will be pushed out by incorporating good things back into my head and emotions.

    Here is another revelation: He is an unhappy person, he seems to have always had more than one woman at a time, for me, this is a no brainer. I have feelings for this man but the truth has a way of making me look at this differently, and feeling differently. The enchantment is not there as much. I think I will enjoy being with him but it's hard to ignore the truth the truth of knowing it's temporary .

    Thanks for letting me share.

    ? ?

  • profile image

    it6yrs 5 years ago

    how awful for you i feel for you i really do. but please be strong. its funny how you say that because he was flirting and staring at you that thought he still loved you i went through the same thing i misread him and think all is good when really hes just doing what you want to see to keep you, us onside. im doing okish this last week learning to get over my addiction.

    ireally hope that you find the strengh to be strong move away and start a fresh. take care

  • Phaidrah profile image

    Phaidrah 5 years ago from NYC

    Also I thought that him talking to me, flirting with me, staring at me, saying certain things to me etc was him telling me he still loved me. It wasn't. I just realized that it was him feeling scared that I would cause trouble for him. I made such a fool out of myself it is sickening.

  • Phaidrah profile image

    Phaidrah 5 years ago from NYC

    Well I messed up again. After going some time with no contact I talked to him again. Not that it's hard to do. I do see him several times a week but still. I got sucked in again. Got into a conversation and when I heard the words spoken from him that he was in love with his wife I wanted to die. He just wants to have me around...to flirt with me when he sees me and I on the other hand love him so much it is sick. Sick.

    I told him how much it hurt me and that I was so glad I was moving away so that I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore and he barely responded. I got an email the next day (only after I sent one to him) that was not mean but basically said that whenever we talk I get upset and he doesn't mean for it to happen. Basically he does not want any drama. His life is set....family, money , career. Meanwhile I am over here with nothing, no one and about to move to another country. I got the email today from him and I came and got in bed and took some benadryl. The pain is so bad that I cannot stand it even be awake. I hate myself for doing this to myself over and over. Now what should be an exciting time for me before I move and start a new job is miserable. Miserable. I will have to see him for another month and I can barely function.

    Finally I deleted his numbers and email but what is the use? I see him and his wife on a regular basis. So I won't text him or email him anymore (even though I know his email). What good is that? I just see him in person and have to ignore him and go in the bathroom and cry my eyes out and then all night.

    And how stupid was that of me to TELL him how miserable I was? I am nothing but a bother to him. There is a company party this Saturday and I am expected to be there. Of course he will be there. What am I to do? I cannot function once again. And I was doing so good :( I need some support.

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    myblvdofdreams 5 years ago

    Thank you guardedheart for the honest and heartfelt reply.

    I will stick to paragraph breaks from now on ;)

    Every day is a struggle, but every day I get more and more courage and strength to realize that I do deserve better, and that while all of his needs are being met- not very many, if any, of mine are being met.

    I don't know how I suddenly became the other woman, or how I feel like I am being punished when I wasn't the one who cheated. I don't know if that makes sense, but its how I feel.

    I know one day soon, I will have the courage and self-worth to tell him I want a life with him, but a life with me, means a life without her. I do think at the beginning he will say fine and go and be with her, but he will come back to me eventually, and if he does either I will be willing to go through the intense repair process our marriage needs, or I will say I can't and walk away.

    Thanks again

  • profile image

    guardedheart9 5 years ago

    myblvdofdreams - thank you for sharing your story. (paragraphs will make it heaps easier for us to read though - just a thought for next time!!)

    Wow - I will try and keep this short.

    The thing you will learn in this is that you don't need him for your happiness. You can't control what he does, who he thinks about and what choices he makes, but you can learn to control your own happiness.

    It sounds like you really love him. He needs to make a choice. 'Her' or you, his wife. You might not feel like you are in control but you are still his wife. He has made promises to you, he needs and loves you. You guys have finances together. Don't just hand him a divorce.

    But you can't be his doormat. He must choose - you or her. I would recommend you have no further contact with him until he can tell you that she is out of his life (and then his life etc will have to be an open book so he can build back trust).

    Why? Because you need to force his hand. Faced with a future of not seeing you, he is will probably flip out. He will not like it. You see, he is still having his cake and eating it too. Between you and the other woman you are ticking all his boxes. Some of his needs you fulfill and others, she fulfills.

    You should make it clear that he can't stuff you around any longer. If he leaves you, he leaves you. You can state your position (ie - you love him, want to be married to him, but not if he is seeing her). Even then, your husband has a LOT to make up for, hurting you like that if he hopes to make his marriage work.

    I am sorry for you pain.

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    it6yrs 5 years ago

    thanks so much for your comments they really help.its been a little better this week no tears at least. still having dreams sometimes there nice ones other times there sad or some are nasty were he trys to hurt me his wife is in them at times too. ive lost track of the times ive picked my phone up to text him but have been strong. hes away on his annual hoilday with his wife next week the on she payes for.... thanks again

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    myblvdofdreams 5 years ago

    For the past week I have been reading this entire HUB and I just finished this morning and I am ready to share my story. I am 27 years old and 9 years ago I married my high school sweetheart, my first love, my first everything and haven't looked back since. He has deployed three times to war and has brought that war home with him, but despite that we have grown together, are eachother's best friends and love one another deeply. In my mind my husband was never anyone who would stray or look elsewhere. Overall we have had a happy marriage, and he has opened up to me about things he has experienced, really letting his walls down- like telling me how many people he had to kill and how many people he couldn't save, he is a medic. Within in the past 6-8 months our lives have completely changed. We move to a new state, bought our first house and he started going to the Army's Physician Assistant School. I worked for a military non profit who helps combat wounded soldiers and it is demanding. In October is when his life started to spiral. He was doing great in school, but one morning woke up early in the middle of a night terror and started having a seizure, he was rushed to the ER, and almost died- without me there, because I was at work. The Army immediately put his school on hold and he was left to sit at home and wait. This happened for about a month. He started spending irradictly (sp?), pushing friends and family away and going into a state of depression. I think he was planning on killing himself. Out of nowhere he started wanting to go on camping trips with friends and I encouraged the companionship. This only lasted a week before I found out that he was dating someone. I found out on our 9 year wedding anniversary. We talked all day-- he held me all day, apologized for what he had done, told me he would end it with her etc. That night he went to end it with her and she gave him an offer he couldn't refuse, saying that he can't deny there were feelings there and they owed it to themselves to see where this goes and he went to go stay at her house and hasn't slept at home since. That was two months ago. At first, he told me he wanted to leave me for her because he loves her. Then he started meeting me for lunch everyday at work, coming home to spend time with me and talk to me when she was at work and telling me how much he loved me, and how confused and lost he is. We would have very serious, heartfelt conversation about our marriage. I was all kinds of heart, betrayed- I lost 30 lbs in 3 weeks and I was miserable. It always seemed so cut and dry, if your husband cheated he doesn't love you and you need to leave. I would pack a bag, and sit at the bottom of our stairs and go to walk out of the door and leave- but I couldn't. I couldn't stop loving him for his one mistake. I couldn't close the door on us, and I don't know if I ever will be able to. For now I am the OW or I feel that way, because he is with her most of the time. As soon as she turns around though, he is with me. She found text messages on his phone of him telling me he loves me and the mistress told him that she would be second to no one and if he wanted a life with her to divorce me and come back to her, he came to me and asked me for time for him to sort this out. Since then he is pretending that I don't exist with his mistress, that I skipped town. I am now his secret, and its torture. I am going to counseling. We are also going to counseling together for his war issues. The Army is medboarding him out of the Army and he is starting to go to his VA appointments and has invited me to go with him. Everyday he calls me and comes to see me, unless she is off work. I think people think that I am pathetic for standing by him during this. I told him not to come back to me until he knows for sure that he wants me to be his one and only, because I cannot share him. He says we are seperated- but seeing him daily doesn't make me feel seperated. He comes and tells me everything about his mistress- and its horrible, but he says I am his best friend. I have done things I am not proud of, like tracking his phone or consulting pshyics to see if he will leave her to come back to me. We have a beautiful home together, two wonderful dogs that I have the pleasure of keeping me company when he is away, and we can have a great future together. There are things we can work on, and will have to rebuild, but right now all of that is on hold. I feel like his mistress has control over him-- she has no car so he has to pick her up from work and drop her off, she is constantly texting him to see who he is with and where he is at, she demands that he buy her gifts and tells him if he doesn't someone else will. She enjoys the attention of multiple men, and right now she is trying to be monogamous with my husband. Part of me wants to say, go be with her and enjoy the life you can have with her, but everytime we try to let eachother go we can't. Sometimes we just hold eachother for hours. I am a very sensitive and emotional person right now, but am slowly gaining my strength. I am choosing to love him for all the things he has done right over the years, instead of the mistake he is doing now. He tells me when he is with me he is Bruce Wayne and then when he is with her he is batman. I know all of this is probably a lie, and I don't even want to know what he texts to her because I know it will be painful. To me this is not someone I know, but do I turn my back on my best friend and husband when he is hurting most? And throw away the chance at us being together? I guess for now I am not ready to make any rushed decisions, ie: file for divorce. I want to make sure that I am ready to close the door on our relationship before moving on with my life. For now I am working on myself, I finished my bachelor's degree last week and am working on a healthier lifestyle for me. I am looking for ways to meet new friends- like joining an exercise glass or activities club. I am not ready to look for someone else while I am married, because I don't think that is fair when I am still so in love with him. I don't know what to believe. He tells me he will always love me, and knows that no one can ever love him as much as I do and that he always wants me to be a part of his life, that he will never marry again. I do think he is getting to have his cake and eat it too. I offer stability and am like a security blanket for him, while she is new and exciting and suffocating him with so much attention that he doesn't have time to deal with his own inner struggles that happen when war comes home. I appreciate reading both sides of the story. I just wish I knew what was going through his mind. I often tell him, I feel like I am standing in the way of your true happiness, and I love you enough to let you be with her and I can leave, and he says no, he doesn't think he can be happy with her, that he is trying to put space between him just give him time-- but that is all bull, he will never have the courage to get rid of her, atleast not anytime soon. It will either be her making the decision to leave or me, a battle of wills I guess. For now I am safe, in our lovely home and am taken care of- the bills are getting paid and I am able to not be on the streets wondering how to survive. I don't know where this goes from here, its excrusiatingly painful when you think a person is guaranteed to love you and protect you for your life, and then you find out that isn't a guarantee. Its a very uneasy place to be in, and I did think of suicide, but am in a much better place now. I am reading a lot of books on relationships and post traumatic stress disorder and traumatic brain injury (both disorders my husband is facing). I am not ready to let go, and walk away and say I have given this marriage my all... and I don't know if I will ever be, but for now I am focusing on myself.

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    guardedheart9 5 years ago

    it6yrs - Well done not contacting. Just take it one day at a time. The urge for 'contacting' is unrelenting and will probably continue you for a long time. Just remember you are an 'addict' and no amount of the drug (HIM) is good for you.

    It's normal to have vivid dreams about him, it's the brains way of processing. I still dream occasionally about HIM 18 months on. As far as thoughts of him - it's tough. Don't be to hard on yourself. You will think of him a lot. Just say things like 'oh there I go again thinking about HIM' and the thoughts sort of pass through you. Then deliberately think about something else like fixing dinner.

    Having time on your hands right now is a big problem. Girl you have got to get busy. Get your mind and body active. Get excerising, volunteering, coffee with friends, WHATEVER. You cannot afford to be idol. Get yourself up out of bed. Dress nicely. Hold your head up and do something useful!

    At first I felt like I was carrying around a ton of bricks. I felt them at every turn. Now I feel like I have maybe just one brick. Sometimes I completely forget about that brick. Its still there, but it doesn't interupt the task of living a life worth living!

    You really can do this.

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    it6yrs 5 years ago

    thanks for your comment lynath

    i really do try to think of all these things i know hes not a nice person really for what hes doing to his wife all these years. its a habit i guess after nearly 7 years its hard, also i live alone dont have many friends and ive been made reduntant im 57 so i have far to much time on my hands to dwell.and the worse thing is i keep dreaming about him sometimes there nice dreams had one last night that was awful woke up crying.

    but on a plus note i havnt contacted him and im proud of myself for that. every night i say to myself "another day over"

    oh well i will keep on breathing and plod on .. thanks again

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    lynath 5 years ago

    It6yrs it will become easier to cope with over time.You will not forget him completely but it is posssible to change the way you think about him. The trick is to immediately cut out any of the romantic fantasy thoughts about him(which cause you to long to see him or be with him) and instead replace them with a thought about him that is not so flattering. Think of a time where he was badly behaved or made you feel bad or my favourite imagine him indulging in some disgusting personal habit that you have already seen or that would make you turned off him if you did see it.There must be something about him that you didn't really like. Otherwise imagine him with any of his other affair partners or that he has another one after you and he is telling her your intimate secrets and belittling you in order to make her believe only she is special(because that is exactly what he has done to his wife and at least four others you know about) If that doesn't make you cringe and open your eyes then nothing will. When you put him in real world scenarios as he really would be something might'snap' in your brain and all of a sudden you will not want a man like that. Also you should be trying to find something else to occupy your thoughts and repair your self esteem. Something to plan for and look forward to or new friends or maybe even a new partner.Or get into another online group to give you somewhere else to talk that is not about affairs and where there are no people also involved in affairs. The world is full of exciting things that don't involve affairs.

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    it6yrs 5 years ago

    well im struggling this week im so down please tell me it will get better.

    how can i stop myself from thinking about him all the time as soon as i awake i dont want to but i carnt stop

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    lynath 5 years ago

    No MsLioness I suggest it is the other women who attempt to keep the cheating husbands. No one is forgetting anything about other women. Are you trying to justify with this line of thinking. The other woman is very different to the wife in that she had made a deliberate choice(it does not 'just happen") to have an affair with a man who is now using her and lieing to her, whereas the wife did not. I don't see the conspiracy theory either about women quick to turn on each other - one woman

    - the other woman- decides to trash another woman's life and happiness. Why would you then think the wife is not entitled to be very very angry and upset when she finds out?

    Mature adults with normal cognitive ability, manage to exercise a thing called self control, and this stops them taking what they want, or doing what they want whenever they want, for instant gratification when it is not the right action, socially acceptable behaviour and with a view of the consequences. This includes understanding that there will be people we are attracted to throughout life, but if they are married or we have made a commitment to someone else then the attraction is never acted upon. They have learned to control the need for instant gratification to their wants and needs and behave in a civilised manner.

    Those involved in affairs have a serious lack of maturity and control and a psychological problem which enables them to engage in inappropriate behaviour.

    They are quite okay with the belief that they can build a new relationship on the tails of someone else's grief and sorrow. Therefore, in answer to Mpoche4 when the luster wears off the personalities able to conduct affairs don't like each other and it ends. The luster wears off pretty quickly when the fantasy is gone and both the cheaters are left knowing that neither can trust the other and what they are capable of doing to one person they can easily do again.

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    mslioness 5 years ago

    What happens when the luster fades away?"

    What happens when you wives find out that your man is a cheating dog? I love the little passive-aggressive dig you make towards the other woman, forgetting that ultimately she doesn't owe you anything. Most of you wives are quick to throw the other woman under the bus to keep your cheating husbands. You all forget that the other woman is often no different that you all and are lied to and used by the MM just as you are.

    This is why the man always gets away with his dirty deeds, we women are always quick to turn on each other.

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    Michal 5 years ago from Baton Rouge, LA

    It is great to hear you speak so candidly to this woman. I am married and hope that i am never in this situation with my husband. I find that pretty much always, the mistress is just as selfish as the man who did the cheating. Destroying the lives of a woman and her children all because the man cannot keep it in his pants? I agree with the first comment too- what is keeping him from never doing this to you in the future even if he does leave his wife? I am sure part of the excitement is that he is doing a forbidden act. What happens when the luster fades away?

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    it6yrs 5 years ago

    thanks for all your support ladies, im not to bad today. your so right about not being his first im his 4th that i know of he says his wife isant intrested in sex so he looks else where that there just mates really.. they have no kids together and she has a good job they have a good life he doesnt want to give that up.

    i feel that its my fault that i feel like this as it was suppose to be just a fling like his others but its been nearly 7yrs. and he is an addictition one i have to break for my own sanity ive been on anti depressants for 4yrs trying to cope with it all.

    i was cheated on when i was married 12yrs ago so i know the pain of it all. i was so lonely when i met him at work id been alone for 6yrs and i do think he knew i was vunerable, flirted text made me feel good about myself again i was flattered, and it started. we had no contact last year for 3mnths it was agony it didnt get any easier so im hoping this time it will....

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    guardedheart9 5 years ago

    Thinking of you it6yrs - so devastating to go 'no contact' - hang in there, take it one week, day, hour, minute at a time......it's never easy, but it slowly gets easier. Think of this as addication you need to conquer. You can't even have a little hit of your drug of choice or you won't be able to breakaway.

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    Lookinout4MEnow 5 years ago

    I have to say that these forums have helped me much! I haven't read every story but I'm finding that they're pretty much all the same! Unfortunately, I've been the "poor wife" in a marriage of 20 yrs, with a history of my now ex had been cheating in me AND just recently the OW in a 1 yr relationship with a MM. I couldn't believe that u got caught up being with a MM but he really was persistent! Yes I am definitely at fault, I take partnership for getting involved, BUT let's be real these guys know what they're doing and who to pursue! After months of sending innuendos and flirtatious texts/winks/comments.....I gave in!! My husband and I were goin thru tough times...I believed he was cheating again! Instead of dealing with it...I acted on the attention this MM was giving me. We were always around each other, our daughters were the same age and played bball on the same team so we were always around each other, girls having sleepovers, the parents hanging out together. Yea, how horrible of a move that was for me knowing the wife, the children, the wife's family! Yes I am remorseful and ashamed if myself for crossing that barrier!! Like u said, I make NO excuses for my actions! One thing that I've learned from all of this is...whether it was me or someone else (bec I def wasn't the MM 1st affair or even 2nd!) the fact is there was going to be another woman periods bec this is a pattern and a problem for these men! Instead of facing the pribs in their marriage or coming to terms with not bring able to be faithful, they choose to stay in their comfort zone with their wife taking care of the household and keeping the kids under their same roof! These men are COWRARDS and SELF-CENTERED pigs! I stayed too long in my marriage bec I didn't know and gift want to be on my own with 3 kids but 20 yrs later, I finally got fed up and left!! I can't tell u how happy I am to be without my unappreciative ex!! Ladies, those of us in this situation both wife and OW, we are all victims!! These men are totally to blame! I know it's easy to get mad at the other woman but think about...the prob is its always going to be "some other woman" whether it was Jackie, heather, Rachel, et al....get it!?! This is unfortunately your married man's problem!! They can't keep to themselves!! We don't deserve to give these men an easy out!! Kick them to the curb, get ur alimony and chkd support and be free of their nonstop cheating habits!!! Stop blaming the other woman and hold these MM 100% accountable for being a coward and not handling their problems like a man!! They r so good a lying and making us believe them but pay attention to ur instincts and their patterns! We need to stop letting them get away with this! I empathize for all the women that are affected by these men! My relationship w.my MM ended aunts ago...it was brutal at 1st to be w.out him but after reading so many of these stories and seeing that everything that CDMA out of his mouth was a lie has helped me get over him! I do have my moments when I feel I miss him but then I remind myself it wasn't real! What I'm missing was a complete farce!! Good luck to all u women I hope u find ur way to happiness someday soon!

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    mslioness 5 years ago

    It6yrs, please stay strong. I have been there and it does get easier. Just ask yourself, if you do get in contact with him, then what? Has anything changed in his situation?

    Probably not. You go back to him and he get's to live a life and a half while you get half a life. Doesn't seem fair to me. These men are weak losers and they never leave their wives. 16, If you just need to talk or vent, I'm here. Write what you want to say to him here. Sometimes just writing it out helps.

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    it6yrs 5 years ago

    im finding it hard this week im so low and keep thinking of all the good times and want to get intouch with him. i know i should focus on all the let downs and hurt but its hard going. very weepy this morning but i wont get intouch i will be strong

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    guardedheart9 5 years ago

    Really Jenishelle, I don't think you are thriving on the drama and excitment. I think you hate feeling conflicted in this way. You hate being in a marriage and feeling you'd rather be elsewhere. Maybe you are thinking 'what about me, when do I get to be happy??'. You might feel like that but you have to utilise your brain and logic here!! This married man is not yours to have, and you are commited elsewhere to a man who WANTS YOU!!! You are going to just have to suck it up princess and go through the pain.

    When I was at this point, I don't think I would have cared if I never saw my husband again. It felt like it would have been one less problem to deal with. Terrible I know, but just a feeling. Don't read too much into feelings. 18 months down the track I am more than glad I have him around!!

    I agree with many of the things Lynath has said. So many good points about why you should dump MM and work on your marriage. It's not like you had a bad marriage before right? You'd never even seriously considered divorce?? That to me suggests you should be able to get your marriage back on track once you choose too, and start to leave your drug of choice alone. Don't you think you owe it to your husband and children to try? Don't you really just want to be happy and fulfilled WITH your husband??

    Interestingly I feel I could have written just about all you wrote. How different your husband is from MM. So was mine. Like you MM and I had so much in common. And it's true we did too(music and many other common interests)but that doesn't mean he would be good to live with!!! Or maybe you really are better suited? So what. There may always be someone we would be happier with - but it's difficult and insensitive to expect to change partner whenever this happens.

    Like you, I completely gave MM my heart. So now that I am completely commited to my husband, what about my heart? Well to be honest I don't know that you get back that which you so willingly and freely give away - at least not in one piece. MM has still part of my heart, but I am hoping that with time this will fade and I'll get more of my heart back. But if not, the pain, though less, is a consequence of my actions. I just have to live with it. But yes, it certainly is way easier now that it was.

    The nice thing is, even in the midst of some pain, I have been able to make significant progress with husband (who I must say has been very forgiving and patient!). We are have been brutally honest with each. It has taken us to a new level of closeness, and I am must more intentional about creating connection right through the day. Is it easy? NO Do I always feel like it? No, but since when has something good come easy?????

    You can do this. I think that recommiting to your marriage is your best shot at long term happiness.

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    lynath 5 years ago

    Jenichelle, what you are in love with is the idea of the MM; who and what he really is will be totally different to what you know of him so far, if you ever got to live with him. Those corny jokes which are so funny now will become irritating when you've heard them a few more times. It is all a fantasy escape from the reality and yes, boredom and responsibility you are now experiencing in a marriage no longer new and with a couple of kids adding to the pressure. Believe me it is just a stage which you can get through.

    At the moment you are expending time and energy daydreaming about a future that is not reality. You obviously have every intention of contacting MM again and so it will go on until the inevitable happens and life will be hell for all concerned.

    For all you OW who just can't 'give up' the MM(who you never had in the first place) because of the pain it will cause you, I wonder do you stop to consider the pain that a wife feels giving up her husband or a child feels giving up a father? Jenichelle you say that this man has a young family and so do you. Would you be prepared to leave your children behind, or do you only think it is okay if he leaves his fatherless and his wife alone to raise them?

    You criticise your husband(your supposed best friend) because he is doing his best to make the marriage better.

    How do you think he will feel when he finds out that all the time he was putting in effort you were betraying him?

    The humiliation will be magnified all the more.What gives you the right to play games with people in this way. The drama of you being the sought after princess with the ability to choose between two men is exciting isn't it?

    How about letting your husband have a choice too.

    If you are so unhappy with him why don't you leave by yourself before starting a new relationship?

    All the talk about being 'true to yourself' and every o piece of jargon thrown around by way of excuse is meaningless. What exactly do you define as being 'true to yourself?"

    It seems to me you have the type of husband that the majority of women want. He really must love you if he is putting in effort to make you happy. All the while you are not doing a thing to help yourself or giving your marriage a chance. You cannot work on the marriage and have an affair.

    It seems like your marriage has settled into a bit of a routine(which often means that people are overall content and feel secure)but you crave some of the old excitement and romance. Well - it is up to you to put in effort to get that back. You and your husband need to get out of the rut and spend some time rekindling the romance and fun that would have been there initially.

    You say your husband is your friend so you are well ahead of many people on this.

    You could go off with the MM but within a short time you might be very unhappy and inevitably all relationships end up at the stage you are in now with your husband. Don't imagine that things will be any different.It is highly likely the MM will return to his wife,or never really leave her. If you choose your marriage it cannot be on the grounds of staying for the children. You would then feel like a martyr or prisoner and that wouldn't make anyone happy. Don't throw away a perfectly normal marriage going through a boring patch for five minutes of excitement with another man who has already proved he is untrustworthy.

    In twenty or thirty years time you will find that the stored memories from a life shared with your children and their father will be very special and precious. Overcoming bad patches in your marriage(and there will usually be more than one) will only make you stronger and value the relationship even more.

    As a test of your feelings if the police arrived at your door tomorrow to tell you your husband had died, would you be distressed or relieved?

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    scottish fool 5 years ago

    Veronica, I don't know how else to contact you, but I write to ask if you would please delete all comments by scottishfool. I really don't want either my husband or myself to have to re-live the mess I've created. We're doing well, he's being amazingly understanding, and the future looks good for us. Thank you xxx

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    jenichelle 5 years ago

    Thanks guarded heart for your input. It is always spot on. You are right, I do feel like I am in love with the OM. The part that I can't seem to get over is how different he is from my husband. This other man is funny, vivacious, intelligent, career driven, loves sappy movies, reads books I like, listens to the same music, tells corny jokes, etc... My husband is the exact opposite. BUT he is a wonderful father, good provider and a loving person. My husband has pulling out all of the stops and tring very hard to keep this marraige from breaking. He even told me he bought the book the "Love Dare" and is on day 5 of repairing this marriage. It is soooo hard to feel close to him right now.

    I still haven't had contact with the OM, but next week will be the end of the 6wk timefarme we put on it. It has been extreemly hard,, but I want to move forward either way. i can't go on living like this. I am a very level headed person and lately I have felt depressed and afraid. I have never felt like this before-ever. I am just scared of so many things. I am scared of settling for my husband and not being true to myself, I am scared of giving up my husband and the regret that may come with that, I am scared of giving up 50 percent of my children's time, I am scared of taking a leap of faith. I have given my heart to this OM and I feel like I can't disregard that!! Guardedheart, please tell me it gets easier!! You are an inspiration to me and right now I need someone to tell me that they were strong and continues to be strong and that it does get easier. Do you feel like you will now be married for the long haul? of do you feel like you are staying for the children and the family network? How do you give up your heart and take it back?

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    it6yrs 5 years ago

    well its been a long weekend but im doing ok. i did text him tho just to tell him why im not gona bother with him anymore. i didnt think it was fair to just ignore him he would be worried what was up so i just told him that its over and i was moving on. i asked him not to reply which he didnt. he will get intouch in a week a month or 2 he has before and im always that low that i start it up but not this time. hes a habit i need to break. and i think i needed him and thought it was love and it was really lust and needing to be loved.

    oh well thats my rant over feel better for writing it down on here.

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    guardedheart9 5 years ago

    Jenishelle - I totally understand your conflict. I've been there too. You 'feel' in love with MM, not your husband. Like you, I'd forgotten all the reasons why I'd married him in the first place. But if I am remembering your previous posts correctly you were not overly unhappy in your marriage? I wasn't either, we had just drifted. I would have run away with my MM too, only he went back to his wife. It is about a 1 1/2 years since the affair. For the most part I am glad that MM went back to his wife. Do I still love him? Yes, but it would have buggered up my life and my kids lives, his kids....etc would have been a mess.

    Anyway - I don't know if you will have the strength to turn away. Your MM needs to go home and sort himself out. Whether he makes a go of it with is wife or not, he needs to finish one relationship before he starts another (as do you). If he is going to divorce his wife, he has to do it without you waiting in the wings.

    I still recommend you go 'no contact'.

    It's interesting because it seems like you are letting him make the choices. You have to decide what YOU want. Do you want to be married to your husband? Do you want to honor the commitment you made? I let my married man make all the choices too. He started it. He ended it. Anyway I know it is hard when you are addicted.....

    Blindtothetruth and its6yrs well done by not contacting MM's. It is a constant temptation I know, even harder if he is contacting you first....

    'Mrs' Scottish Fool, how nice and how amusing that 'Mr' Scottish Fool has joined us!!!!! Welcome!!

    Scottish Fool (x2)!- you asked how have I/we repaired the marriage. Don't get me wrong, this thing called 'marriage' is a journey and believe me there have been times when I've questioned it's design....

    I think to start with, it helps that we had a decent marriage to begin with. Like say a 7 out of 10 and the affair was short in duration. Husband and I had OK communication and sex that kept getting better. I think we probably lost a bit of the connection and stopped communicating on a deeper level and hey it can be just plain boring and hard work at times.

    Things that worked in my Marriage recovery:

    1)MM didn't press for contact so that gave me time to heal and cope with my 'addiction' for him. The powerful emotions that are felt in an affair lessened at least a little over time.

    2)Taking the time to connect more frequently over the course of the day with husband even when I didn't feel like it(txt from work, hugs when passing in the hallway, cuddling on the couch) - the physical connection aided the emotional closer to grow/regrow

    3)Talking more about our expectations in marriage, what we wanted, what was important to us, goals in life, things we wanted to do etc

    4)Acceptance of my husband for who he his rather than judging him for what he wasn't or being upset that he wasn't what I thought I wanted him to be

    5)Taking responsibility for my own happiness. It is my life, I needed to find other avenues for fulfilment and acheivement etc. It was not my husband's job for make me happy

    6)Husband was/is VERY patient with me!!

    It's complex, I'm not always 'happy' to be married to him and I constantly miss MM, but that's what I got myself into. There are still times when the two of us seem an awkward fit.

    But I'm happy I'm still married, mostly I'm happy in general, my kids are happy - the family is whole - I like that. And, surprise surprise, I am learning that it is not always about me.....

    Sorry Scottishfool - that was a bit of a ramble, oh well

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    Veronica 5 years ago from NY

    Sandy, if you're still reading this Hub, I answered your email in your own Hub.

    https://hubpages.com/relationships/After-the-Affai...

    Best to you.

    Best to all of you.

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    blindtothetruth 5 years ago

    Just got back on reading through the posts since I ended my relationship with my MM. He has tried to make contact multiple times and I have been very firm in my feelings. Not only do I not want to be someones second choice but I cant live with the guilt of being the OW. He is very strong and knows all of the right things to say but I am proud to say I have stood my ground and have even went on a couple of dates with a very nice gentleman I met at work. I would have never given this guy a chance if I had still been with the MM. Thank God I was able to open my eyes when I did. Thank you all for your support.

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    it6yrs 5 years ago

    scottish fools husband did all this come as a shock or were you on here looking for proof.

    as for me im a week into no contact even tho he has texed me i havent replied. im keeping busy and trying not to dwell on the past. ha or the future im just trying to get thro each day and be at peace.

    take care ladies might need some support in a couple of weeks

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    Phaidrah 5 years ago from NYC

    So what did you do? Go snooping in her computer? Looking for passwords etc ?

    IDK what to say except...well....shit happens.

    Go to counseling, talk things over, see what you can do.

    Good luck.

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    tisam 5 years ago from Mauritius

    Here a small story for ya people

    A Girl K had loved A her husband for about 25yrs since they were young. They had problem due to their different religion.

    But after fighting for their love they succeeded in marrying and having 2 sons out of this marriage which was not a perfect one but due to the love they had for each other they managed it but it lasted for 14 years.

    The wife S fell in love with another married man of 2 girls almost same age as her two sons.

    They fought for their love indeed their partners did not want to separate due to children. But they were selfish with life and chose to divorce their partners and now they are living together...

    The other partners are heartbroken cause at first they did not believe it and did not accept it. But now they have to live with it.

    And now the children are paying for their parents deeds, selfishness, they have to share their lifes at mother's place and father's place. The mothers and fathers are not talking at all, no communication not even for the sake of the children.

    WHat is this? Why is this shelfishness?

    All of these happened due to "love"

    All the MM or OW or wife are thinking about their feelings and so on

    WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN MADE OUT OF THESE MARRIAGES..

    I really feel sorry for one little boy of Girl K and Boy A, he is deprived of his mother loves and lacking special attention that he had failed at education level and am sure he will continue on failing.. His mother has his full custody but he lives with his grandparents. He stays with his fathers every weekend. His little brother had not known what is it a mother affection. She is never at home for her sons she is too busy with her new love and her new life.

    I feel so sad for both of them.But what will happen to them and how are they feeling right now depriving of particular attention at such a young age.

    We are living on earth by the grace of God who have put all of us to a test.

    But there are people who are too selfish to think about this and who know only about just enjoying life.

    What goes around comes around - actually said people. Do you think they will pay? ANd even if they will pay the sufferance which the childrens are enduring wont be undo.. Life is too cruel at times!!!! :(

    I admit life is short enjoy it but THE MOST IMPORTANT DO NOT BE SHELFISH.

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    it6yrs 5 years ago

    hear hear i know im gona get a text tonight so im gona keep busy and ignore it i also know that in about 3wks im gona be so low that i will want to get intouch as i have in the past but not anymore reading others storys on here has made me see them all for what they really are USERS .....

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    jenichelle 5 years ago

    Well my OM and I decided on no contact for 6 weeks. We are on week 4 and this week he emailed me. I have been strong up until this point and now I am proving to be weak. I emailed him and told him I needed more time to figure myself out. I have been trying to give my marriage a go and allow to my husband to make the changes he needs to make. The OM has now come back saying he loves me and wants to leave his wife and move to Dallas (he lives in NYC). This is the first time he has ever said I love you. Like I mentioned in my previous post, I have two great kids (4 and 2) and my family life has always been pretty easy. Its proving to not be so easy now. I go back and forth every single day. One day, I decided to leave my husband to be with this OM, the next day I say I want to stay with my family. Back and forth back and forth! Its killing me! Deep inside I had wished the OM would come have come back saying he was going to work it out with his wife--which would have made it so much easier on me. I have started to see counselor, but I am so torn and depressed. My OM and my husband are opposites and I am not sure which road to take. I am the type of person who "make the best out of everything" and I am afraid that is why I married my husband.

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    guardedheart9 5 years ago

    ILoveU21-you know what to do. Run. Do what it6yrs is going to do. Never speak/see/txt him again. Move on. You know you are better than that. So it's tough for a while but you will have a future with freedom and possiblities, and hopefully a man whom is devoted to only you. Don't put up with these games from this married man any longer. It's not so much that it is wrong that you fell for him, more than it is unhelpful for you to continue with him. So you made a mistake. Now make it up to yourself by doing something 'right'.

    Cut him loose and stay strong.

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    it6yrs 5 years ago

    ive made up my mind that next time he textes me im not gona reply i think its the only way to end it as he always gets back into my head and like you he always seems to know when ive ended it with a man ive been seeing. i left my job to get away changed my number but he got it of someone we both know. im at my wits end i feel like im going crazy all the time as he constantly plays mind games with me. i love him very much but im never gonna speak txt phone or see him again. ive got to get on with my life ive lost to much. so be strong and end it hun id hate for your ife to be ruined like mine

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    ILoveU21 5 years ago

    Ive been seeing a married man for about 4 years as well. I fell for him. I know it's wrong. I keep telling him that I want out. We have arguments all the time because he tells me that he married his wife only for his papers so he has to wait 5 years before he can divorce her. I know I cannot be his only mistress. As me and him see each other I meet guys and date them and cut all relations off with him when I'm dating other people. He gets so upset that I no longer give him attention. When I break it off with this guy the married man some how knows and comes running back to me like a lost puppy. When I try to leave him he finds ways back to me. He's not afraid to be seen with me in public. All my friends and his friends know I guess nobody tells his wife . I know that when he gets a divorce I'm never going to be with him because I kno he will cheat but I want him to stay around. I love the time that we spend together. What should I do ?

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    it6yrs 5 years ago

    i too have stumbled on to this site and feel so glad that its not just me that this is happening to. its been 6 and a half years of happiness and sadness and hurt. im trying to end it once and for all its getting my head round it all im 57 and very lonely ive missed so many chances of happiness with men but always ended it as it wasnt fair on them as i wanted him all the time.

    im feeling stronger now having read all the comments on here, some of them made me cry as i could see myself in them

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    Sarbear 5 years ago

    I was 19 when I met my husband. I am now 33 and I am raising my step-daughter and our three children. He didn't tell me he was married when we met. When I found out he said the marriage has been a sham the entire time. I had just found out I was pregnant when I found out about his marriage. Regardless of this I told him I refused to be a homewrecker and I left him and made ZERO contact. When I was about 7months pregnant he found me by calling directory assistance and he said they separated and were getting a divorce and he couldn't stop thinking about me. They truly had separated and I, being so young and naive, was very excited because I too couldn't stop thinking about him. I am now 33yrs old and we are separated. I have found him secretly talking to four different women in which right now we are separated because I told him after woman number 3 I would leave him if I found him doing it again. Well, here we go, woman number four, I told him we're finished and now he has stopped talking to her and he's had an "ah-ha" moment and sees what a pig he's been. He still won't admit he's slept with any of them, but I wasn't born yesterday. I agreed to go to counseling with him, but only for the benefit of our four children and to build a healthy FRIENDSHIP. I don't know that I will ever take him back. I wasn't a knowing accomplice and the moment I found out I called it quits, then when he left her we started our own life together, but I learned that it doesn't matter who you are. Once a cheater always a cheater. I meant no malice to his then wife and was sick at my stomach to find out what I partook in! Look what I got out of it...nothing but heartache and misery. This article is the Gods honest BIBLE TRUTH when it comes to a cheater, be them male or female and any woman who believes his shit and eats it off a silver spoon and knowingly takes part in an affair deserves the worst! I've lived 14yrs of misery. I hope he will come clean about his behavior in therapy. This might surprise others but I will feel better knowing the truth so I can move on. I am an 'I need to know" person.

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    guardedheart9 5 years ago

    Blindtothetruth - you have truly 'seen the light'!!!

    Thankfully it sounds like you didn't infact break up your marriage over MM, but that it was heading toward a natural end anyway, and you were vulnerable. But you did it, you made the break.

    Please hold strong to your decision keep doing the smart thing and have 'no contact', ride out the pain and you will be happier down the track.

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    Phaidrah 5 years ago from NYC

    @Blindtothetruth

    GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I am SO glad you could see all that!!! Yes we ALL think that it's something special and it is NOT. Just an overload of chemicals from having to be clandestine is about it.

    Yes he will try to get his play toy back and you just hold strong and don't budge.

    Awesome!

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    Phaidrah 5 years ago from NYC

    @Iknowitswrong

    I am sorry to tell you again but this guy DOES NOT love you. HE DOES NOT.

    He says it's over but wants you around?

    = HE IS USING YOU JUST TO HAVE SOMEONE AROUND OR EITHER HE IS AFRAID YOU WILL CAUSE MAJOR TROUBLE AND HE WANTS TO MAKE SURE THAT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN BEFORE HE TAKES OFF FOR GOOD.

    Why does he worry if he does not care?

    = HE JUST WANTED A FLING AND AN EGO BOOST AND DIDN'T REALIZE WHAT HE WAS GETTING INTO. HE DOES NOT WANT THE RESPONSIBILITY OF YOU DESTROYING HIS LIFE ANDSELF DESTRUCTING BEFORE HIS EYES.

    He SAYS he does not love you = HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU!

    I am sorry to be so blunt but this looks scary to me. You seem delusional and maybe no one has leveled with you here. Please listen to this.

    You are on medication because of this and you are ill and you say that he is the ONE thing that can make you better? This is a dangerous place to be. You are not hearing anyone here.

    Yes we get that you cannot help your feelings. However, you are an adult (I am assuming) and sometimes/often times , we canNOT wait for our feeling to change before we MAKE CHANGES. IOW: You have to do things for your well being that you do not F E E L like doing at the time in order to preserve yourself in the long run.

    You are now chasing after a man who is MARRIED AND WHO SAYS HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU!!

    C U T A L L C O N T A C T with this person ASAP before it completely ruins you and you haven't ONE SHREAD of dignity left!!!!

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    blindtothetruth 5 years ago

    I just stumbled on to the site and I am so glad. I have been in a relationship with a MM for 5 years. We were both married when we started and we began thinking it was only about sex but became so much more. He is 17 years my senior and has been wonderful to me. I left my husband 2 years ago and moved out on my own with my kids thinking we would be together soon. Well he has done nothing but promise next summer....then next fall and so on. The feelings I felt were feelings I never knew exsisted....movie kind of love. My husband had cheated on me for years and was emotional abusive so this was a breath of fresh air to be treated like a princess. I was no different than those women who slept with my husband. I candy coated things and convinced myself ours was different and would work but deep down i knew better. I knew in the back of my mind I didnt want to be the OT. Today because of this page and the eye opening comments I ended it. I told him I didnt want to play second fiddle....I feel confident it isnt over...he will still contact me but I am going to stay strong and stick to my decision. Thank you!

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    guardedheart9 5 years ago

    Iknowitswrong - it's gets worse before it gets better. The withdrawals can last a really long time. But you have to look at the big picture here. Where will you be in ten years time? Why bother with him while he is still married? If it's meant to be tell him to leave you along until he is available and not a moment before.

    So he 'says it's over but needs me around, how can he do this'? He can do this because a) he is selfish and b) you let him. I know you 'feel' like you love him but he is not good for you and you know it. Your health will improve once he is out of your life.

    It may feel like everyone here is being harsh but we have been there and know what it's like and have your best interests at heart. Yes you 'walk away and close the dorr behind you' and never look back. You never contact him again. No you can't be friends or have anything to do with him if you value your life.

    You will be happier without him. Not anytime soon but in the long term. Get your focus a bit further into the future. There are many woman's stories of being mistresses for year and years and year. Lives wasted on MM's. Don't let that be you.

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    Iknowitswrong 5 years ago

    Thanks again for all your advice and comments. I do see some of what you are all saying, but I can not help the way I am feeling and I honestly do believe he loves me still, he said to Me that he cares deeply and he can not just walk away as he does still see all the qualities that were there before and he clings on to them. I have just broken all trust that he has put into me and no one has ever had trust like it before.

    I believe this as I have known him for many many years as well as his family.

    I have been to see the doctor and I am on anxiety and anti depression tablets and I have been refered to speak to someone. It's the first step I suppose in a healing process.

    He has not got angry because I spoke with another man, it was the dialogue that lead the guy to come to my house for me to be stupid and sleep with him when I didn't even want to and he saw me, this is what has broken him I lied and did an act I never should have. I regret it and will never repeat it. Yes I'm trying to win him back I love him I can't not try. He is surprised I'm trying and I still speak and see him a few times a week and other than a hug or a little hand holding there is nothing this confuses me some, he says it's over but needs me around how can he do this? Especially if he says he doesn't love but I see it. He says he is worried about my health and he is one thing that can fix it, which is true. But why worry if he doesn't care?

    I know this does look pathetic to everyone and maybe it is. And yes you are all right ow cheats on mm crazy he has no right to get angry upset hurt etc. but how can I throw it away? Walk away and close the door behind me? When it hurts so much and I can't get through each day as it is over a week on the pain is worse not getting better.

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    Phaidrah 5 years ago from NYC

    @scottish fool - GOOD FOR YOU!! I am so happy for you! Feels so much better now doesn't it? Yes you will still have highs and lows but one day they will just be highs and you will be over this moron!! Keep it up and you will see it is worth it!

    @Iknowitswrong

    "As for mm I resisted msging him all day til early evening and he mag me yep it laste all of 10hrs with no contact!! He said we need to keep communication up as we're in it together and have to get through it together and I agree with that we met and spoke opened up more than ever both of us it was reassuring in a lot of ways but he says he doesn't know if he cld ever trust or believe what I say again that's hard to hear but he gave me his heart deeper than anyone we parted on the fact that we can't not be in each others life it's richer this way when his ex cheated he walked away but with me he can't we have something special so we have stripped everything back starting again as friends stil MSG often and i hope that he will begin to trust and believe me again to let me in but that will take a very long time ESP to get where we were but i will fight and prove this little by little day by day."

    Um..hello? Am I reading here that you are trying to prove your love to a married man? You said in your last post also that everything would work out if only he would "let you in" and not "bury his feelings for you"?

    I'm sorry but I have to be honest here and tell you that you sound delusional. If men have feelings for you they don't "bury them". You think they are buried but in reality they just are not there.

    First of all, you need to write correctly and use proper punctuation to end sentences and start new ones. It is very hard to give you support/advice when we cannot even read what you have written.

    Hun, I have to say that it sounds to me like you really need to talk to a professional here.

    You stated in your first post that your mm got mad at you because you were talking to another man and so now he can't trust you??? Hello? He IS married to another person right?

    Listen, hate to say this but not only has this guy used you but he took it a step further and USED some gasighting techniques on you too....google that and tell me if that sounds like what is happening to you. IN other words, he is making you feel crazy....he is mad at you for being un faithful to him but yet he is married???

    You now are trying to win him back?

    Hun the only reason that he is upset that you talked to another man is because he wants to use you all for himself and his own ego.

    This man does not "deepy love you"...not a bit.

    Please find someone to talk to about this before it chips away at ALL your self esteem. I am sure that others will agree here when I tell you that this sounds absolutely pathetic. There is no way that this man has an ounce of respect for you. None.

    Am I judging you? No. I am not. Because I have done this more than once myself. I finally had a VERY good friend tell me to my face that I am pathetic. She was right.

    This guy is using you like a dishrag and you are begging for more.

    Please stop all contact right now and save SOME dignity.

    Best to you,

    P

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    guardedheart9 5 years ago

    Iknowitswrong - just about every woman who is half decent thinks that:

    "it's not a normal situation for affairs we had something special that we can't walk away from"

    That is the con my dear. That is what we all think. That is the addiction, the heightened emotions that go along with an affair. Everyone says "it's a love like they have never felt before". That's what I said. But all relationships come down from the high of infatuation. I'm not saying it's not real on some level but you have to keep a level head and look at the reality. I urge you to run from him, as Lynath said develop yourself, invest in you and who you are. You can not only survive but thrive without this guy. Believe that you are worth having a man that you don't have to share. If he really loves you he would choose you and no other.

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    Iknowitswrong 5 years ago

    His ex was someone from many years ago before his wife.

    My self esteem is low always struggled with that since age 10!!

    That's just it we met often and most of the time we didn't make love we went out and had fun like normal couples went bowling dinner lunches exercised even when we had nights away we didn't always make love as we were so content in each others arms.

    I'm having dips highs and lows everyday it's not getting easier only harder the msgs do help some but I do think they are like a false hope i know and I keep bringing my self back to remember he's ended it and I'm clinging on to what was but I know deep within we are made for one another.

    I am beginning to realise that nothing will come of this unless he lets me In and doesn't bury his feeling for me but I can't let him go I've lost do much weight since it happened and I'm so tired it's going round and round I know it's along progress but at the minute he seems dead certain that no matter what it's over I can't bare that it's killing me.

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    lynath 5 years ago

    iknowitswrong

    best advice for you is to enrol in an assertiveness training course or start reading some feminist literature to help develop some self esteem.

    Who is his ex? Do you mean to say he has an ex other woman? It is in this mans interest to keep you for sex only and now he feels he has a license to treat you badly while you beg him to continue. If he was so badly 'hurt' by your encounter with the other man then he would not still be messaging you.

    You haven't got anything special but something pathetic built on lies and deception and shame. Don't you think you are worth more than that? Lies deception shame and hidden are not the sort of words that describe real love.

    I don't know how old youare but I can tell you that the cliche life is short is very true - why are you wasting precious time on something that is never going to bring you happiness. You are thriving on the drama and the fantasy of a sex only relationship which can never translate into the real world. You are also getting self esteem boosts every time he throws you a crumb and no doubt believing that your attraction for him is so powerful he will prove it by destroying many other lives and basically all he has worked for to date.

    How long before he would blame you?

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    Iknowitswrong 5 years ago

    Thanks for you comments and advice - lynath I do truly deeply love him more than anyway ever but I see what u say it should never have happened biggest regret ever and yes he does truly deeply love me too, everyone says I know but he is different and gets walked over alot and the one person he ever truly trusted did the same 100x worse.

    He didn't set it up he didn't know the guy I have briefly for a year but only saw him a handful of times in this time for no more than 15 minutes unfortunately he is linked to my job so will still have contact but at a minimal.

    Our relationship wasnt something that started over night we knew each other along time and felt alot before we even started a relationship so it's not a normal situation for affairs we had something special that we can't walk away from.

    Guidedheart9 - believe me I never will again ever it was emotionless and nothingness I felt and feel dirty guilty ashamed and disappointed amongst many other emotions it's a massive regret and biggest mistake of my life.

    As for mm I resisted msging him all day til early evening and he mag me yep it laste all of 10hrs with no contact!! He said we need to keep communication up as we're in it together and have to get through it together and I agree with that we met and spoke opened up more than ever both of us it was reassuring in a lot of ways but he says he doesn't know if he cld ever trust or believe what I say again that's hard to hear but he gave me his heart deeper than anyone we parted on the fact that we can't not be in each others life it's richer this way when his ex cheated he walked away but with me he can't we have something special so we have stripped everything back starting again as friends stil MSG often and i hope that he will begin to trust and believe me again to let me in but that will take a very long time ESP to get where we were but i will fight and prove this little by little day by day.

    Is there any advice on how to do this I'll do and try anything so all advice is welcome thanks

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    lynath 5 years ago

    Iknowitswrong.

    you too are kidding aren't you?

    Can you see the irony in the story here? A married man who has cheated on his wife, betrayed her trust and demonstrated his own lack of integrity is upset because you are doing what he is doing? His belated admissions of love followed by blame and outrage are just a convenient way for him to end the affair and justify doing and continue to tell himself what a great guy he is. So he doesn't want to be jealous and concerned for the rest of his life? LOL! Don't you see that what he is okay dishing out to you is not okay and acceptable for himself. This is a great demonstration of the delusion that most of these cheaters live under.

    Seems convenient that he happened to show up at the same time as his other womans other man - you sure he didn't set it up?

    ps In my world if I love someone I am not tempted to sleep with anyone else and have compete control of my underwear at any time..it doesn't just happen.

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    guardedheart9 5 years ago

    Iknowitswrong - girl you need some boundries!! For you own protection! Do not sleep with someone you don't even like EVER again!!

    As far as MM goes: I know you say you will wait, I get that. You are totally addicted. My advice would be don't see/contact him until he proves he is divorced. I know it's hard to hear, but maybe this little stuff up that has happened will be the best thing ever, if it ends in him walking away. Why should you prove you are trust worthy? He is married and he is with you. He is not trustworthy himself!! Please care for yourself and run for you life.....

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    Iknowitswrong 5 years ago

    I need help it's been tough last few months things going great with mm he opened up more but I struggled more over Xmas and new year a friend said he was using me and I needed to move on this confused me altho I knew how he really felt it stayed what she said I started thinking I should try to get over him three this around for a while but just never could do it. Last week we spent more time together than ever he opened up a little more but nothing direct didn't say he loved me this is all I needed to hear. But said that he just fully wants the magical love I said that I hope he finds it one day he said what makes u think your not and I replied u have never told me and he just pulled me in for a hug damn that Hurt but it was his way to say I was this confused me tho along with feeling that I was never going to be enough for him if I was wouldn't he of found away to be with me by now and his kids? Anyway it all got too much scared I was losing him my emotions were everywhere another guy started to MSG me I showed him the texts meant nothing to me it was all joking around. Anyway beginning of week this guy came over I didn't want anything to happen and nothing did for a few hrs he then came to me kissed me and before I knew it we were having sex it was emotionless I froze couldn't say no couldn't get it out it was like I was a different person all I was thinking off is mm I hated every second so thought if I acted like I was enjoying it and faked it wld be over with quicker in the end I pushed him off it could have only been 10 minutes but felt longer that was enough time tho too long I felt as if someone was watching I was right mm had come he had a sinking feeling something wasn't right he saw, it's devastated him his ended it saying he can never trust me again or forgive he let me in more than anyone I've hurt him more than anyone and admitted he loved me like no other and I was the one. He's up and down but says he can't ever see a future for us now he was getting ready to leave and I'll never know what we could of had. I don't know what to do he sees how sorry and upset I am how much I hurt. He's hurting more I know but he's worried about me and keeps MSG what I say at times seems to make him more angry which I deserve it's ended but i got let him go I'm hoping time will help he says that how could I do that if I loved him tried to explain my feelings but he doesn't understand yet he tries. He's not shown his wife much if any affection as he feels he's betraying me never had sex whilst we have been together ( I know all this is true as we are all 'close' friends) then I do the worse thing ever. He says I'm worth something and special and he holds on to all the qualities I have that he admired for the last 8 plus years and remembers all our amazing memories but this over shadows it he doesn't want to be jealous and concerned the rest of his life he's not built that way I said if he let me back in I'll prove to him he can trust me and in time those feelings will go. I have decided that I'm going to give him a few days space no contact at all hope it helps and he does realise that we can have everything I've pleaded with him told him how I feel but it's all so raw still. Can anyone help advice would be nice I can't let go I won't give up and I'll always wait for him please help how do I win him back?

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    Phaidrah 5 years ago from NYC

    Jenichelle,

    It will never ever work out between you and this man. Never in a million years. This is all a chemical addiction....like someone said above...a chemical reaction in your brain leading you astray. Best thing is to stay away for good and find something else to get the chemicals going....sky diving would be thrilling and less risky at this point. It sucks I know but please try to see that this is very unhealthy and can ruin you completely. I don't think you want to do that.

    Best,

    Phaidrah

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    guardedheart9 5 years ago

    Jenichelle - You are spot on when you say 'I bet it takes the man to say no more'. Now looking back, I was so overwhelmingly in love with my OM that I don't really think I would have had the strength to end it. He ended it (well we were found out and he said 'no more' and I was still saying 'more please!!'). Whilst I still miss OM heaps, I am at the point now that at least on some level I am thankful that he has said 'no' and stuck to it. I've known a little of his journey since. I know that he did love me, but really in the end he choose to live by his value system, stand by his wife and kids etc. (Actually that just makes me like him more!!) I know that I questioned marriage and how bad it has to be before you bail. But somehow I just couldn't give up considering we didn't have any enormous issue previous, just drifed apart a bit, got lazy like many do.

    So I get it. For you, as it would have been for me, if he chooses you, you may end up leaving your husband. Remember though the devastation this will cause. And the OM will not end up being perfect. Also how will you feel about yourself if you don't honor your marriage commitment considering your husband is not a bad guy? Will you trust your OM not to run off with the next 'new thing' (AS they say if he can do it with you he'll do it too you)?? Apparently there is a slim chance of it working out with OM if you go down that pathway.

    My OM was a good friends husband (needless to say ex-friend now). I live smack bang in between his work and his home, just a couple of minutes either way. I am en-route literally he passes my house several times a day unless he chooses a less direct route. Arrrhhh. We had heaps of friends in common, our kids were great friends. I had known him about 8years. Then we started excerising during his lunch breaks. Its 'alone time' together that started it. I couldn't have 'choosen' anyone worse, but of course you don't really choose who do you......

    What about improving your marriage? Not just trying to change your husband, not judging him but accepting him for who is he. But also making it clear to him what would make you happy (eg a romantic walk) tell him what you are missing and that it leave you less than satisfied. Get a babysitter and make 'couple time' a priority. Sometimes the day-to-day stress can take the joy out of the relationship and you need some fun again.

    The OM and I have heaps in common, more than my husband and I, and yes, I still think the OM is totally HOT. But I am looking to remember/look for the good in my husband, and he is lots of good things that OM isn't. OM is a hot-head, testosterone filled, manly man. My husband is just as much a man but cool calm and collected and totally good for me (I can be a hot-head too!). So I know that I choose my husband and he is good for me. Also, I am trying to make it my mission to make my husband happy this year, as I gave him such a hard time last year!! So it's not just about my happiness. I need to suck it up and not be selfish anymore.

    I guess my concern for you would be that you run off with OM and if doesn't work out, and you will be kicking yourself. Even if it works, there will be a lot of baggage.

    And believe or not you can do without the OM. He is not your ticket to happiness. You can choose happiness without him, though it seems impossible right now. Yes you will always think of him, but do you want your family intact? I know what it is like, it really sucks to be in a marriage when you would rather be somewhere else, but maybe it's the right thing to do and that alone brings some good feelings. It's a hard road, a long road, and the toughest thing you will probably ever do. The grief you will encounter if you give up the OM will make you feel like you are drowning and fighting for air, and you will wonder if you will ever be happy again.

    How will you decide? You know that one way or another something has to give. You can't live in limbo land for ever. The average affair is said to last 6months to a a couple of years.

    Anyway - enough for now. Let me know how you are doing. I am feeling for you as I know how tough this is going to be for you either way.....

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    jenichelle 5 years ago

    Guardedheart9:

    Thanks for your story. Sounds pretty similar except the fact that I have not been caught. Some days I wish I was caught, so I could move on with my husband and come clean about everything. One question, do you think you would have had enough nerve to end your affair if the OM wouldn't have gone back to his wife or would you have left everything and taken a leap of faith? Did you work with him? Was he in a city close by? What if my OM says, "Ok, I have had six weeks with my wife and no contact with you and it was horrible, I miss you so much and want you only you". I am honestly scared of that. I think it would be interesting to see how many women actually leave their husband for another man if they choose her. I bet a lot. I bet it takes the man to sya no more. You asked me if my marriage was that bad. No, its not. We get along fine, like most of the same things, are still attracted to eachother etc, etc. This OM though is different though. He is British (never experienced that before) and seems to be very romantic and sweet natured in general. He likes to take long walks, sit on the couch together, sit and talk and have tea in the morning, I guess just being. My husband on the otherhand likes to sit in his recliner, watch football, and isn't very graceful about anything. My husband is not like that and never will be. I wish he was...I am not sure that is something he can change-its just who he is. I guess this guy showed me what else there was out there and as much as it disgusts me, I like what I see...

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    guardedheart9 5 years ago

    jenishelle - I haven't been on this site in a while and for some reason feel moved to respond to you and your situation. Believe me, no judgement here. I have been there too, though my affair was much shorter than yours. Possibly only because we were caught very early on before sex, which no doubt would have happened. But I certainly gave my heart away.

    My husband caught me out, and on the same night confessed a 20 year internet porn addiction. Though I felt betrayed and believed it wrong of him, I was quickly and easily able to forgive him and I can't say it really affected me emotionally. Like you we have two children, they are 7 and 9. But I still wonder if on some level his addiction my have affected how close we were able to feel to each other. Anyway.

    My advice to you is as follows:

    Don't be led only by your feelings, they are not to be trusted entirely. I'm not saying they are important but they can lead us up the garden path - right to our affair partner.

    Think about your life values: do you value marriage and commitment? Do you want your children to have a father that they see on a day-to-day basis? Think about the cost of divorce: financially and emotionally, the time taken to move kids from your house to the ex-husband's house, the disappointment and broken relationships (grandparents, siblings, friends - you might be surprised at the friends you loose). Is your husband a bad guy? Sure, so your marriage is not perfect and for the last year and a half you are been putting all your energy into your affair partner. Think back to the things you liked about your husband and why you fell in love/married him in the first place.

    Realise that this happens all the time - sliding across boundaries. Affairs for some reason induce incredibably strong connections and the 'soul-mate' feeling, and maybe he really is more suitable and a better match for you than your husband right now for this part of your life, but can we really just pop in and out of relationships as it selfishly suits us?

    For me it was absolutely unfathomable not to be 'in contact' with my affair partner. It was the most terrible grief. We did in fact talk a couple of time on the phone and when we ran into each other in the neighborhood and that brought some closure. I am still 'addicted' to him, but can honestly stay I am now happy that I didn't run away with him (I would have if he hadn't gone back to his wife). The feelings are still there but I am coping.

    It's a strange things as I am mostly happy with my husband, but I still miss HIM a lot. I am investing in my relationship with my husband and in some ways we are heaps closer than we have even been. To begin with I didn't want to be there at all - I was back in my marriage but kicking and screaming. The feelings I still have for HIM (affair partner) are just the price I have paid for my straying and I'm lucky to have got off so lightly.

    I am a year and a half down the track now. I had no feelings what so ever for my husband but I can tell you that they can return if you value your marriage at all. It take tons of time, effort and ups and downs - though everyone is different, they say about 2years until you feel mostly over it (him) not that you ever completely forget him, you just learn how to be happy regardless.

    I understand and feel for you. It really is so hard - hope this helps. Remember you are addicted to your affair partner. The only way to end it, if you decide you want to, is to have no contact with him EVER (Yes that will be painful to hear, as it is still painful for me to think of). Anyway you may choose the other pathway....

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    mslioness 5 years ago

    Jeni If I were you I would ask myself a question "if you never met this new love would you still leave your husband?" if not you are probably only experiencing what everyone experiences when they meet someone new. Its call infatuation. I for one would not feel comfortable rolling a dice like that until I decided what I would do about the present situation, YOUR MARRIAGE.