report

Affairs with Married Men

Mistake or Character Flaw?

Veronica,

I'm having an affair with a married man. I am a 33 year old professional woman with a full life and solid career. When we first got involved 4 years ago it was fun. After time I have realized my love for him is so deep. I want him to leave his wife but I am afraid he won't. He says he loves me so much more than his wife, but his wife is a pitiful, clingy, dependant and he doesn't know how to leave her. I am at my wits end. What are your thoughts on this?

Signed,

Lonely

***********

Dearest Lonely,

My thoughts on this, are that you are an ass. No judgment, just honesty here.

I always think it's funny when the mistress believes that the wife is the fool. She sleeps in his bed, bares his children, cashes his paychecks, spends Christmas and vacations with him, and is the one he bends over backward to protect. You are the one signing your name as "lonely". Which one of you do you honestly think is the pitiful one?

I do feel sorry for you. And for the wife for that matter. It sucks to be lied to. And both of you are being lied to. He lies to his wife obviously. And he lies to you when he tells you he doesn't know how to leave his wife and all that other bullshit. Honey, if he wanted out, he'd be out.

Will a married (or significantly committed/attached man) leave his significant other for you? Sometimes.

Take actress/playboy model Kristy Swanson and champion figure skater Lloyd Eisler for example. They met on the FOX TV show in 2005, Skating with the Stars. He was married at the time. His wife was 8 months pregnant when he left her for Kristy. Another example is the infamous Britney Spears and Kevin Federline affair, marriage, and divorce. So, yes. Yes, a married man may leave his family for you, especially if you are wealthier or more famous than his wife is.

But your odds of this happening are slim. Your married man has no intention of leaving his wife. You've given him proof of 4 years that you accept and allow his behavior. He has no reason to change it.

You said when this started, it was fun. And I want to elaborate on that. Sex is fun. Sex is natural, and healthy, and animal and basic. It's one of the greatest things about life on earth.

The thing that is not fun, is the lying.

I know couples with open relationships. What I admire about them, is honesty. You see the honest theme weaved throughout all of my HUBS. One couple, Erik and Ken, have been together for over 20 years. They are a loving committed couple, who have been honest with each other about their needs, and have respectfully found a compromise that works for them, which is NOBODY'S BUSINESS BUT THEIRS. Their honesty and their arrangement works for them. I think it's beautiful that they communicate so well, and accept each other so completely.

The difference between them, and you, is the dishonesty. The lying. They are an honest couple, showing each other respect and value. You and your married men are liars. What you're doing to your married man's wife is cruel. And don't say he's the one doing it, not you. You're every much as responsible for it as he is.

Lonely, let me ask you this. Would you really want to be with a man that you know for a fact lies to his life partner? He stood at the alter and promised himself to this woman, and now lies to her, goes behind her back, calls her dependant and clingy, and fucks another woman in secret. And we don't know how many other women just like you he has. Do you really want to be committed to man that isn't capable of respect and honesty? Do you really want this guy??

People make mistakes. I can sympathize with some married guy that gets confused, makes a huge error in judgment, does something stupid, and then regrets it. That's not what happened here. 4 years?? He's not a good guy that made a huge mistake. He's an asshole.

I can also sympathize with the fact that some marriages don't work. People get married too young, fall in and out of love, change, grow... have kids that either one of them or both of them didn't actually want or didn't actually think about. Money, careers, in laws... there are a lot of reasons marriages don't work out. These things happen. And if he and his wife just fell out of love for whatever reason, I would sympathize with that and wish him well moving on.

But even if that is his case scenario, he isn't in the process of changing his life. He isn't communicating with his wife, and taking the brave road here like a man. He's a lying cheating coward. 4 years worth. Come on, Lonely. Put yourself in that wife's shoes.

I would not have come down so hard on you had the two of you had some fling. Anyone can make a mistake. Even a big mistake. It is part of the human condition to fuck up. The difference between a mistake and a character flaw should be obvious. The long 4 year time factor, let alone the lies he tells his wife and about his wife, are proof.

Also, I would not have come down so hard on you had you sounded content, and signed your email happily. You are obviously miserable. You are afraid he won't leave his wife, clearly this reveals you wish to break up his marriage. You admit you are lonely. You aren't a healthy happy person engaging in this thing and going on with your life. You've let it become crushing and manipulating, you've let it ruin your self esteem and your happiness. And you've let it define you. It's time to stop.

A new door can not open until you close an old door. Change your life. Invite better things in for yourself.

My wish for you is that you re-find your value: that you see your self worth and that you realize it is not celebrated in this affair. I wish for you to see this guy for what he really is and not for what you would like to pretend he is. I wish you would be honest - with yourself and with everyone else. I wish you happiness.

If you like this HUB please click the “Thumbs-Up” below just before the comments.

Thanks!

All text is original content by Veronica.

All photos are used with permission.

All videos are used courtesy of Youtube.

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Comments 1372 comments

Isabella Snow profile image

Isabella Snow 9 years ago

The problem with dating a married man, is that once he divorces his wife and proposes to you, you'll spend the rest of your relationship worrying if he's cheating on YOU.

Not worth the headache!

Leave the married men alone, they have issues!


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

Exactly.


Goodwitch 9 years ago

STANDING OVATION VERONICA!!!!


Lonely 9 years ago

Thank you for your honesty.


Angry Wife 9 years ago

You are selfish and only care about yourself. I have no pity at all for women who sleep with married men. They wreck homes and destroy children's lives. My husband ran off with his "woman" (she doesn't even deserve to be called a woman). He has been gone almost a year and left me with 4 children to raise by myself. I was totally dependent on him for everything and was a stay at home mom. He left us with 0 money (we lived paycheck to paycheck), and has not paid one penny to this day. After 13 years he just didn't care what happened to us. Would have been different if there had been a warning, or if he actually supported our kids. There are plenty of unmarried men out there. Keep your claws off of married men, home wrecker. I hope you fall deeply in love someday, and after 10 or 15 years, he dumps you for another piece of trash like yourself!


Bill 9 years ago

I was married for years and left my wife for the woman I had an affair with. My life was horrible. Money was a huge issue since my wife refused to work and would get mad because I worked long hours. Where did she think the money would come from? She made it worse and worse because she kept wanting to have more children. I dreaded coming home at night and really grew to see her in a different way. I really felt a connection here when Lonely said her married man described his wife as pitiful, clingy, and dependent. I can relate to that like you would not believe.

I think Veronica's advise is correct and harsh. Get on with your life away from this guy's mess. Believe me when I say you do not want to be part of it. Veronica you should give some advise to the married guys in this situation that want out.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

Bill:

Done! Check it out.

http://hubpages.com/relationships/For_Unhappily_Ma

(If you posted a comment that didn't appear here, check for your Words there.)


tracey 9 years ago

He says he loves me so much more than his wife, but his wife is a pitiful, clingy, dependant and he doesn't know how to leave her.

your his whore! he doesn't love you or her ,if he did he wouldlnt of cheated on her, how would u know if his wife was pitiful, clingy,or dependant , maybe she didn't work because she stayed home with their children, maybe he liked her pitiful and clingy till he decided to cheat on her with a whore and decided it was time for her to change, u should really look at why u had affire with a married man and why you cant get a single guy , u should look at yourself whore ! your not a good person u trying to break up a marriage


affair and divorced 9 years ago

I was married, he was marrried, and we met. I realized I was looking because I was unhappy. We fell madly in love and I got my divorce. I actually filed and left my husband before I dated him. He was going to get his divorce too. After I filed, he didn't. He delayed his "until after Christmas". Then it was another excuse. He said I was pushing him. Now after a few months, I said "get the divorce" because you want to, not me. And after that we will "see what happens". I was sick of hiding it and felt betrayed and wasting my life on something I couldn't have. I am happy that he helped me see my unhappy marriage but he just can't stand up to his. She knows about his affair and he told her to file for divorce. She isn't. I was afraid of this coming back to haunt me because I felt like he would do the same thing to me. I have decided to forget about him. It is time for a new life. I now know who I am. I am beautiful and smart. And no married men deserve me.


fresh air 9 years ago

I'm glad I got here, it took a couple years. I am in the throes of breaking it off with the married man I have been with for more than two years. We were childhood dates and I never quite forgot him although I went off to have a generally good life. When we unexpectedly hooked up through an online high school history site, it was so nice to catch up after three decades. It took six months of writing and talking before we agreed to meet, even though we live in the same metro area and another six months before we began a full-fledged affair for 18 months. He is an intelligent, attractive and sweet man and I just could not see how tightly bound his sense of security comes from the status quo of his marriage. I now know it does not matter that his marriage is not very fulfilling, that he is lonely w/o children or a partner to do things with. He cannot or will not act on his own behalf within his marriage to move beyond that. And maybe that is why my relationship with him happenend. I did not require that he give up much of anything as long as he 'worked toward' growing and self- knowledge, encouraging him to go into therapy (for 8 months now). I accept now that people don't change their world easily or often, the world they create gives them something whether they can articulate it or not. But I can change my circumstances with him because it is just too painful to live this half-life whether we feel love for one another or not.

It is not enough to feel love for someone, for me the word 'love' is an action word that is positive and invigorating and life-affirming. It is not a side-road along the main events in a life, nor is it a romantic excursion that is isolated from other parts of a life. I feel foolish at how long it took me to come to my senses. I was not seduced, nor do I think he is a user; he is a man who has not or cannot come to terms with a marriage that is not working. I am writing to tell all who are messing around with someone who is married, it adds a huge layer of problems and throws into doubt whether the two people engaging in the affair can ever lead a full life together no matter whether they marry or not, to find a life partner to share your life. I am grateful, I wished him well and working on my own life and I know it has changed me, that it matters that I stooped so low. It feels good to breath. Fresh Air.


affair and divorced 9 years ago

Thanks you for the breath of fresh air! Living a half-life is exactly what I felt. He too could not stand up or act on his own behalf. I had to take the initiative and move on.


PREM 9 years ago

I AM UNMARRID MAN CAN I MAKE THE RELATION WITH A MARRID LADY


Jaya 9 years ago

After reading all of the other comments about affairs it seems everyone has come to same conclusion....and that is it can't work....its destined to fail from the very start. Mine has been going on for 8 yrs...and I am ending it now. I am just walking away...no bitter phone calls...no bitter emails...just walking away. I never wanted it to start in the first place, but he pursued me until he wore me down to give in....I felt desired, it was a great feeling....then the once a week liasons felt great for a short period of time....but the rest of the week I felt horrible because I felt used...and I was....but I allowed it all to happen. Now I am taking charge of my life. I am not going to allow him to use me to feed his ego that he desperately needs fed. He never cared about me or my feelings..he listened but didn't hear. I do feel sorry for his wife.....he obviously doesn't respect her or love her. He lies to her and he lies to me. He can't be trusted and this is not a man I want to spend the rest of my life with...so its time to move on. I am not saying its easy.....this is harder than my divorce....but only because I keep feeling like I need him....even though I know deep down inside I don't. He has nothing to offer me but heartache.


fresh air 9 years ago

Jaya, it is a big positive to let go of something/someone who causes you so much pain. Living in the shadows of an affair requires we break our life into parts that cannot be recognized by others and eventually we can't recognize where the real us is in all of this.

During my affair I lost what I needed most (love for myself), replacing it with 'hope' that the future held for us an authentic life together. It was deeply painful to come to terms that the love we felt for one another was not enough to motivate him to act. I can see now it almost always is not enough and very risky business.

Once I invested in the affair it became even more painful to make a break and I experienced how denial played a role in my decisions. Affairs with married men are destructive for us because we have to bury what we deeply want and need to even begin such a relationship. I own my part in this by deciding while in deep pain that the kind of love I need does not feel this way; it promotes growth, not secrecy and it embraces the world rather than requiring we hide from it. I still feel pain but not as often and I have more good days than not good days and it is getting better. I hope you find many positive ways to get support and insight and meet people out in the open from this point on. It is a positive thing to take responsibility for your actions and your future. I wish you insight and growth and strength, the pain will pass and you will be amazed at how good life can be because you have learned to aviod being in denial.


helen 9 years ago

The sad thing is, most of us know deepdown what Veronica is saying is true. I have been seeing a married man for 5 months and i too have fallen for him. Yes it was wrong and it happened because i allowed it to when i was looking for a friend and a shoulder to cry on, the guy paid me attention and it just seemed to flow. I felt something with him that i hadn't felt in years and as much as he says he loves me, he still hasn't left the wife. I have read so many stories about women in my situation and it is all too familiar. This guy doesn't have kids with her although she does from previous relationship. Don't get me wrong, i knew from day one he was married but i didn't think i would allow myself to get involved but you cant turn back the clock and you cant just switch off your feelings either.

We are more emotional than men, when something feels so right you don't want it to stop. We know the answers deepdown but we cling onto hope and the possibilty that it could happen but again, as Veronica says...would you want to be with a man that cheats and lies as he will do it to you...If the guy really loved me, then he would leave her.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

Helen,

thank you for your comment. Good luck to you.

Veronica


Lorena.. 9 years ago

7 years, turning 50, waiting for him to leave. It is a terrible pain that has overtaken all the good things in my life (university degrees, profession, independence). We have travelled extensively over the years - treasured single weeks, then by necessity had to revert to the 2x a week meetings. I want to end it, fear the loss. He's my soulmate, yet stays with this pathetic depressed wife. And now I've also turned into her - pathetic and depressed. I've turned down so many opportunities to meet others, feeling it wasn't fair given I was "committed" elsewhere, and now, nearing 50, I have so much sorrow about the whole thing.

Run far from this misery, those who are contemplating or just beginning!

Question: how do I end it - the affair?

Toronto - Canada


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

Lorena,

End it. That's how you end it, just do it. Tell him you don't want to ever hear from him again and that's it. It's over. If he shows up or calls, send photos of the two of you to his wife. There is nothing to it, but to do it. Just end it.

Listen to me very carefully - you said he is your soul mate, but he is a liar, a cheater, and has helped make you pathetic and depressed. Think about that. What does that say about your soul, that it's "mate" is that kind of piece of shit.

He is not your soul mate. You're just so used to lying to everyone that you lie to yourself.


affair and divorced 9 years ago

It has been several months since my relationship with the married man ended. The day it ended, I wandered to myself "Have I done the right thing"? I realized something. I have never been happier. It took awhile before I started dating and I was lonely and I depended on my friends to keep my head up. I realized the affair was all about the openess I felt and how it tapped into my passion. I am finding that there a lot of men out there with qualities. Single men don't hide you. They show you off! And I am living!


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

YAY!

affair and divorced, CONGRATULATIONS on taking your life back and shining.

Best to you.


Helen 9 years ago

Dear Veronica (and all)

I wrote to you a while back (just scroll up to see my post) as i had been having an affair with a married man. Well since then, things have taken a dramatic turn for the best.....he left his wife and we are now starting a new life together. I truly believe that we were meant to be together, it is not often that you meet someone who really does make your heart flutter. Of course it wasent easy to start with seeing a married man but that bit of hope that we all hang on to and pray for was worth the wait. I am extremey happy and for the first time i feel i have found my true soulmate - yes the critics will beg to differ and i am fully aware of all the possibilities that could re-occur but if you maintain a strong bond, good communication and a healthy sex life then you leave no room for these things to happen again. He had everything to lose and i had everything to gain and now i have the man i adore. He did really love me after all....


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

Helen,

Thanks for keeping us updated.

I am definitely one of those you mentioned - who believes if he cheated with you, he will cheat on you. And, if your "soulmate" is a liar and a cheater, that says a lot about your soul.

I really wish you clarity, love, and the best of luck in your journey. Please continue to keep us posted.

Veronica


Robert 9 years ago

Very interesting article. Very interesting comments too. I followed the link to this from your blog which I am an avid reader.

I was married to my first wife 17 years. I was only 20 when we got married. I thought I would love her forever, but then along came this other woman that totally turned me around. After a 7 year affair, I finally left my wife for the other woman. I was 46 when I married her and she became my second wife.

I thought I would love her forever. We had great sex and great communication. She did nothing wrong. But here I am (I am now 55) and there is a woman I do business with that I can't stop thinking about. I don't know how to divorce my second wife after all she stood by me and waited for me. I do love her. But I am not in love with her anymore. I need some advice because I am just not happy with my wife anymore.

Should you stay with someone you don't love just because you feel guilty? Do women want to be with a man that does not love them?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

Robert, thanks for the comment. I'm going to respond with your very own HUB. But first, I sent a survey out to 40 women I know and I'm waiting for all the responses. Check back, I will post the link here when it's done, ok?


Dino 9 years ago

I am glad you mention that if the woman wasn't miserable, this would be a little different. I cheated on my wife a few times when we were married and I don't think any of those women were miserable. I never did that bullshit thing saying I loved them or I was leaving my wife. It was just sex, just an escape from my miserable life. They all seemed cool with that.


Michelle 9 years ago

My husband left me and our two children two years ago. He was having an affair with this whore and moved in with her when he left us. Now he has moved back in with his parents and broke it off with her. I know she thought he would marry her when he left me. Stupid whore. I like in the article how you explain how it is not the wife that is the stupid one. You are so right.


jtboswell profile image

jtboswell 9 years ago

Great comments Veronica!!!. You spoke it true and true!!! I love what you said. She needs to leave that man alone. Nothing good will ever ever come out of  that relationship. He will not leave his wife. It' been four years already. All my sympathy goes to his wife. She is in my prayers. I have no sympathy for Lonely. She is in intruder in this marriage. She needs to exit.Lies are built on sinking sand. The foundation will crumble. She needs to find her own man and be happy. I hope she takes your advice. The road head ahead will sad if she doesn't. I hope I didn't hurt Lonely's feelings too bad. But that what she wrote about that man wife is the stupidest thing I ever heard. She doesn't know that woman like that. No hard feelings Lonely but I got to keep it REAL.....

You are wrong as hell!! Ladies if the man is married leave him alone. If you find out later he's married leave him alone. Do you honestly think that your happiness will last if you destroy some else joy. Think about it...


Charity 9 years ago

I've been having an affair for 2 years - he has definitely made more of an effort and KEPT promises over the past 3-4 months to spend MORE time with me. He continues to make promises, talks about the future and the only way I justify it (i know...there is really no justification) is because he has NO children. I have 2 girls (they do not know). We (him and me) have plans for Christmas and if something "falls through" I'm gone. He will either SHIT or get off the pot! No...I did not give him that ultimatum, it will be the SILENT make or break. I will know by the end of 2007 if he is the man for me.


affair and divorced 9 years ago

For all men and women reading this... During my affair, I was promised everything... The World! The man I had an affair with had a LOT of money. We lived in different states so we scheduled our jobs to meet. His promises involved our 20+ years we would spend together happily married after his divorce. We were dreaming of building a home together and planning our retirement travels.... It didn't happen. The fact is, he had no guts. I found out I can stand up for myself and that is why I moved on. It is hard and leaving the affair felt like my life and future was gone. My goodness, I was 50 years old and I left a marriage. I felt sorrow for his wife and guilt. I took my professional career and moved on. I am now dating a man who is very special to me. He is everything I ever dreamed of. You know, that tall, dark, handsome man you always dreamed about? Well I found him. He/she's out there and compatible to you. If you are married and unhappy, get your divorce and move on. Just don't try to move on with someone who is married. Take charge of your life. I am happy and having the best year of my life and it is 50!


libranlady 9 years ago from Perth

Hello veronica, I am truly enjoying your comments and the input you getting from your readers. I've been with my husband for 3 and half years and all through this turbulent life together, he's been cheating, over and over again. While we were dating, living together, and currently married and have a daughter together. Before we got married, I tried to end it numberous times, chucked his belongings outside our place. And what he did? He came crawling back, crying, texting and calling me begging to be forgiven and be taken back. Being the fool that I was back then, I did. We moved to a new place trying to forget the past, and guessed what he did? HE CHEATED AGAIN, when our daughter was only 4 and half months old. I was driving out of our place to visit a friend, there he was, getting out of this slut's subaru, parked about half a km away from our driveway! Since we lived at our new place, I constantly asked him if he's cheating on me, all his replies were "NO". I actually called that girl that dropped him off for an explanation, she said its been going on for over 3months. We are currently going through separation and I trully want this to end once and for all as my trust towards him is destroyed completely, I've lost all faith in this marriage. I know I will be able to pick myself up, get a job, as I left my last workplace to look after my lil gurl. To me, once a cheater, always a cheater. I also believe in karma, what goes around, comes around....


caged 9 years ago

Moral of this story – never mess with a married and if you are married and your spouse cheats, leave him/her. He/she will cheat again and again. It is just the nature of the beast. Strong person leave a bad marriages, weaker one stay with pathetic excuses. Weakness of attitude become weakness of character - Einstein


prasadjain profile image

prasadjain 9 years ago from Tumkur

How many comments!


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

Perhaps I might have changed my decision on what?

Hey, prasadjain, where did the rest of your comment go?


Nicole 9 years ago

Hello All,

I have been involved with a married man for almost a year now. When I met him I was in the process of getting a divorce. My ex lied, cheated and hurt me throughout the entire 13 yr relationship/marriage. This married man claimed he & his wife were in the process of seperating. They were suppose to be finalizing her moving arrangements and additional financial support he would give her. They don't have any children together. He said he wanted children just not with her. As time passed she never left. we live in different states, he promised we would see each other monthly and he's pretty much kept his word. He use to talk of building a life together, getting to know my son, moving me to the same state as him but lately he hasn't mentioned any of that. When I asked if things at home changed he said no. When I asked if why he hadn't mentioned me relocating he said he wanted closure. He did not want to move me to a un-fimilar place until they were truly over. Lately he said he doesn't know what the future will be between the two of them. He says in order for things to work out they both must be willing to make changes. before he would always give in to her needs but she never gave into his and he wasn't doing it anymore. He has told me he loves her but is no longer in love with her. I've asked him to work on the marriage and leave me alone. He says he will never leave me alone. He claims I am a vital part of his life and if he really wanted to work on his marriage he wouldn't be seeing me and he loves me and he see's us being together, growing old together. I am so confused. After my husband repeatedly cheated on me I vowed I would never stoop that low but here I am. I am not a bad person. But I really believed him. Because a lot of the things we spoke about I was going through. I wanted out of my marriage 4-6 months before I had the balls to tell my ex. I loved him but I wasn't in love. I didn't want to hurt him either. I don't see this married man as a bad person, he's very kind and gentle. None of my friends or family know he's married so I don't have a support system. I really want to do the right thing and end it but the very thought causes my eyes to fill w/ tears. I never viewed myself as having any major issues but after reading some of the comments posted I'm not sure. This man has treated me better in the past 10 months than my ex-husband did in 13yrs. This is extremly hard and hurts like hell.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

Nicole,

I really am sorry it hurts like hell. And I really am sorry you were cheated on in your marriage. But I'm going to be blunt.

Your married man isn't leaving his wife. He's not a good person, telling you he will never leave you alone, costing you vital years of your life and possibility of happiness, continueing to string you along, and lying to his wife. If he cared about you at all, he would want what's best for you instead of being so selfish. The sickest part is that he has you convinced he's treating you well. That hurts me in my heart to read. I am glad you chanced upon this HUB and all the comments, and I really hope you will find the strength to stop this affair.

Best to you.


I will never forgive Angelina  9 years ago

This is great advice Veronica, and it doesn't even stop in the article! You keep going in the comments and keep on keepin on. You are so understanding and supportive but you tell it like it is. These women really do need to wake the fuck up and realize their married men are NOT going to leave their wives! It's not rocket science!


Justice 9 years ago

Once a cheat, always a cheat.


Earth Angel profile image

Earth Angel 9 years ago

GREAT Hub!!

Thanks for the straight-talk Veronica!!

Thanks also to all who shared their dilemmas . . . It's tough sometimes to "see the forest for the trees . . . " especially when we are so sure we are "in LOVE . . . "

LOVE is not a "feeling" that just mysteriously appears one day. It is the result of many things we "tell ourselves" about the other person/situation/ourselves, etc.

Anyone who spends even a single moment to develop their own personal definition of LOVE, will surely include, among other components, honesty and respect.

Without the key ingredients of honesty and respect, it is NOT LOVE. It might be lust, it might be exciting, it might be diversion, it might be hope, but it is definitely NOT LOVE . . .

"How you win 'em is how you lose 'em!!"

Leave the married men (and women) alone . . .

Raise your expectations of yourself . . .

Blessings to all, Earth Angel


deadraven999 profile image

deadraven999 9 years ago

Well I ain't gonna say anything here about what's right and wrong coz we all know that, I am just gonna make it straight and simple. I believe we have two possibilities here to deal with:

First one: I say, u may really love him very much but since he's married it is better to let him go unless the guy and his wife have already agreed they don't want to continue their life together anymore and planned a divorce then this is something else, but you mustn't interfere by any means in this whole divorce scheme, don't play any role, just stay away, wait and see how things progress.

Second one: You really love him very much but have no intentions of leaving him no matter what, let's say you've decided not 2 break up with him them just don't be a factor in damaging his life at home, don't persuade or intimidate him to leave his wife, never.

I do understand it when sometimes a married man or a married woman get naughty, we are all human, we all make mistakes, moreover, I know it is possible that someone falls in love with a married person, temptations are irresistible sometimes (we have to try hard though) but I don't believe in destroying homes. Asking the guy to leave his wife is not acceptable..

Very much thank you for sharing your thoughts with us and wish you always the best .....


tylerisapimp 9 years ago

hi my


crystal 9 years ago

I have messed with married men all my life. Yes it is fun but it also lonely. The bottom line is that he stills goes home to his wife. And if he leaves her for you there will be another you out there. Now i want a husband of my own and it is so hard to find. Payback is something else. I figured that i was a married mans dream because i don't have kids and no drama so it was a getaway for him. I also did everything the wife didn't do, so they loved it. The holidays are the lonliest time. Even though he brings gifts and the sex is good he still can't stay all night and you can't be in the street with him too much because he might get caught. So just remember try to find a man of your own just remember what you won't do another woman will.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

Wow Crystal. Thank you. That was a great piece of insight.


gonnagether 9 years ago

Here's a different point of view for ya.Caught my fiancé of almost 3 years in an affair this summer.The hoe knew all about me and the kids,caught her online(when using his account) trying to contact him after he'd broke it off.She admitted he was never gonna leave me and the kids,I'd won.Little by little I'd found out about her whining to her coworkers about losing her best friend and her bawling her eyes out at work over him.Well,poor her.She was trying to get several women's men,like she needed pity.What about our kids,what about me?I hope one of the married truckdrivers she's screwing turns out to be a woman beater or worse.Why?Because it is not like she was in the dark and thought my man was single,she knew what she was doing.Not only is he paying for what he did,but if that skank ever shows her face in this town again,I will make damn sure she hurts as much as I did.SO A WORD TO THE MISTRESSES:You better be careful you just may find yourself up against a spiteful,angry,and always watching bitch like me!!You're in a dangerous position,and there are many,many wives/significant others out there that will stop at nothing to get even,and as we all know,women can be very emotionally unstable.Try getting your own man and have a little pride in yourself,get your own man,not second-hand attention.You might be surprised at how much better you will feel about yourselves,because obviously many of you are full of low self-esteem,and feel you cannot find a man of your own because of your inadequacies.


Nicole 9 years ago

Hi Veronica and all,

First I want to say Thank You for all the comments to my story. It's only been 5 days and I haven't left this married man alone but I am placing space between us. For me saying goodbye will be a process but I will do so.

However, I want to take the time and reply to Gonnagether. I don't mean to be rude but you sound like somewhat of a lunitic. Don't get me wrong I think I speak for a lot of women that have found themselves in this situation when I say "WE ARE WRONG" and for that I apologize to you. But Sweetie most of these affairs are started by married men not the mistresses.

I know you found about her while on line trying to contact your fiancé but you need to understand he's the real person at fault. This woman owes you nothing. She's not the one who toldl you she loved you, she didn't promise you a future, a family and all the other things your fiancé did.So, why aren't you blowing up on the man who lied, cheat, and stole your happiness. In addition, you should never let anyone jeopardize your freedom(Jail) & the possibility of you not being their for your children.

Again, this woman is wrong and to a certain degree I feel you should fight for your man.... (Not Literally) but I was once you except he was my husband. After this affair there will be another one, and more than likely another one. Then one day you will make up and realize it's not the women and it certainly isn't anything your doing it's him.

This mistress is probably confused and hurt. You've gotta know he's told her he loves her, she makes him happy, you don't understand him the way she does and other BS. I have discovered that married men often brakethe miistress down emtionally. My ex had his thinking I was a really bad person and when I found out about her he made her sound horrible but she did things I didn't. Until one day I we held a very, very long conversation and found she was none of that. She was someone I could have been fond of under different situations.

I know you will probably be ready to hand me my ass on a plate because I have found myself playing a mistress. but I honestly felt his marriage was over. because at the time I had just left mine and I wasn't turning back. So I believed him when he said it was over and moving arrangements were being made. Then when I finally realized no changes in the situation were being made, I was already deeply in love.

I am only saying this to say before you bull out the vasoline and boxing gloves explore the situation. Find the truth.


euchrefreak55 profile image

euchrefreak55 9 years ago from Sault Ste. Marie

hmmm veronica? see perfect stranger much?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

euchrefreak55,

I know there is a movie titled "Perfrect Stranger" that I have not seen.

I have no idea what you're talking about.


LisaG profile image

LisaG 9 years ago from Caribbean

One thing I noticed about married men trying to get a mistress is that they say rather unpleasant things about their wife - the sex is not good, she's lazy, cold, uncommunicative unloving etc. But a lot of times it's not true. If you really met their wife you would realize how hardworking they are and that they love their husbands very much.

One should never believe a man when he says things like that about his wife. I know in some cases some women can be very difficult to live with, but to me that's no excuse to cheat on them. Maybe he can just tell her the truth, talk to her and explain that "you really get on my nerves" and maybe she will just tone down.

Another thing is even if a man leaves his wife for the other woman, somewhere in the relationship, if things don't seem to be working out, he will resent her. He will blame her for leaving his wife, breaking up the family. Becuase truth be told, the steamy sex, the gifts, the communication, the romantic dinners will die. What then? Wouldn't he just go look for it somewhere else again?

The cycle must be broken. Married couples must find a way to improve their relationship if things are not going the way they like. Communication is a key factor. Cheating does not solve anything. It just makes things worse most times.

This has encouraged me to do a hub on marriage and relationships.

There is a man for every woman out there. Just take your time and have patience you will find him.


Charity 9 years ago

Well...I did not make it as far as Christmas 2007....I had a bad PMS day and things came flying out of my mouth and the 2 1/2 year back-and-forth relationship with the "man of my dreams" is over. When I am home, knowing that he is spending the day with his wife, I become so angered inside and time makes it worse.

Unfortunately, I also found that my anger trickled down to my children and I have decided that I can no longer be in a relationship that seems SO INCREDIBLE, but at the same time so passively volatile. I do believe this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but deep down, I know by leaving this man, I will find happiness within myself.

This is to all you women/men out there in a relationship with a married person: As much as the cheater MAY want to leave, I'm finally convinced they will not leave. Their spouse, may wisen up and leave the cheater, but there is no need for the cheater to leave his life.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

Charity, thanks for checking back with us and keeping us updated. I'm so glad you've ended it.

LisaG thanks for echoing my sentiments. I hope you'll come back and post the link to your new hub so we can all check it out.


Joy 9 years ago

I too know how you feel, My H had an E affair for 18 mos. Although I feel it may have been more, I feel I am in denial. We have been married for 28 years, I HATE the piece of SHIT he had his nasty little fling with.It has only been 4mos. since I found out, & it was from a voicemail she left on his cellphone. She said sweetheart, I miss you baby, Call me. Then I found a card, W/ My sweet baby, I can hardly wait to see you again, I look forward to getting to know you better. I was DEVASTATED! I actually vomited, & fell to the floor, of course, he did fessup, But said it was just someone to talk to. I think she was just someone to make him feel good about himself, We are truly working on our marriage, He is so hurt that he hurt me this way, He has been a saint since being discovered, he didicall her on speaker phone in front of me to tell her it was over & never to call again. She kept calling, but I checked his voicemails, & it was evident he was not contacting her because she was saying sweetheart, please call me back. Here is my question, He said they only talked for 5-10min each time. Maybe everyother day, Do you think that this Whore would really be satisfied w/ that & do you think they had sex/ She lives in Fla, & has a job as an assistant for a prominent politician She is older than me, & UGLY!! I have been told I resemble Eva Longoria. I am tiny, & Sexy, even he says that! I need to know more, but ever time we talk he says Why cant we just move on, Do you think it was more than a phone buddy, given the fact that she sent him that card, which by the way, he says he told her not to send him stuff like that! But I found it didn't I, In his truck. & also He said w/ he was in T. that he went to dinner w/ his friend & his girlfriend, & WHORE just happened to walk in! Please give me any input.


jenn 9 years ago

Hi all,

Being blunt myself...I can't decide if I'm more disgusted with those of you who are married or those of you who are sleeping with the ones who are married! Do you read the things y'all are posting? Most of you sound ridiculous!! You really believe a man/women when they talk trash about their spouse? Come on now people...grown up!

Crystal: You sound proud of the fact that you have "messed with married men all your life." Most women that talk like you get paid by the hour for their services... spreading your legs isn't a special talent honey! How would you know what a man's wife does or does not do?...guess you're stupid enough to believe everything a lying cheating man tells you!

gonnagether: I agree with you! If you continue to stay with your husband after what happened...give him hell! After the hurt he caused you he deserves no less!!

As far as Nicole's response to gonnagether...are you kidding me!!?? You are trying to make yourself feel better and sounding stupid in the process! Just because a married man pursues you does not mean you have to go alone with it! Can you not think for yourself and make your own grown-up decisions? What bothers me the most are those of you who have been cheated on by your spouse...knowing how it felt...then going off and sleeping with someone who is married. Is it hard to sleep at night knowing exactly what kind of hurt and heartbreak you are causing? Both people involved are equally guilty....don't kid yourself. And if any of you were truely sorry for what you are doing, you wouldn't do it! You apologise for things you have done, not things you continue to do as if you don't have a choice in the matter.

Several comments have been made by females here regarding the wives whos husbands you are sleeping with. I'm guessing none of you know the wives personally so I am curious as to how you can talk about them. Does that really make sense to any of you? Men exagerate A lot! If you were to ask my husband if I am ever a bitch to him, his answer would be yes. But he knows the reason I act like that at times...If he comes home from work and does not want to help me with our children, stays out later with the guys then he said he was going to, or if he tries to take things out on me because he had a bad day...your damn right I'm gonna be a bitch! I don't roll over and take it up the ass from anyone! I don't think anyone should! Point being...I might be a bitch at times but there is a reason!...And if you talked with any of the wives I'm sure they would tell you why they are depressed bitchy or whatever!....one reason would probably be they are married to a cheating asshole!


Charity 9 years ago

SO...I'm thinking that all these "innocent" wives out there should know what their husbands are doing. I have emails begging and pleading with the "other woman" to just "hang in there and wait" Why should the "other woman" be the only one to suffer consequences? It is time for the husband to be put on the spot. What does everyone think about sending emails to the wife? At least let her KNOW what is going on and she can either see him later or decide to forgive him. Maybe it will open her eyes to pay attention to the world directly around her.

It is only FAIR, right??


Nicole 9 years ago

First of all Gonnagether. I never spoke negatively about the man I was involved with wife. NEVER! Sweetie, I didn't do anything to you. I don't even know you.I was apologizing for the hurt you must have been feelings. I was only trying to point out, you sound like a got damn fool threatening a woman for sleeping with a man who wasn't even your damn husband at the time. He hadn't taken any vows to you. You were clearly hurt and flying off the deep in but only sounded EXTREMLY angry at the woman involved and said nothing about the lying cheating man.

Women in general often blame the other woman, are furious at her, call her the whore, the home wrecker and etc.... Decide to stay with the man. And have the nerve to let the man escape the blame. THAT'S BANANAS!

As far as my situation, I thought this man was telling me the truth. Not ONLY because of what he said to me but because I personally had gone through exactly what he said he was going through. It doesn't make it right and since, I would like to add I ended the affair. Not for her, not for him but fore me. And this HUB is what helped. So, instead of hitting confused woman hard you might just want to state the facts. It actually works. People are human everyone makes mistakes. Most adults know right from wrong but sometimes find themselves making not so smart moves when at certain points in their lives. And unless you are Jesus Christ himself "Gonnahether" the same applies to you.

Strangly, you say I sound like a fool however, you chose the name gonnagether. Not gonnagethim. Then you make all kinds of threats on your postings. You come across as if you are above a lot of the women here but YOUR NOT! If you were you wouldn't be as equally invovled as the others expressing themselveson this HUB. You don't have all the answers because if you did your man would have been home with you and not in the arms of another woman "When you had the right to act like a bitch" attitude. You really sound immature, dumb, hurt and angry. Yes, I agree most men will say they their other halfs can be a bitch or act bitchy. but instead of you accepting that why not open up the lines of communication calmly and try to work on the issues within the relationship instead of excepting "Your being a Bitch"

One things for sure if you stay on this" I got the right to be a Bitch" path , He will cheat again.


LisaG profile image

LisaG 9 years ago from Caribbean

Congratulations Nicole for ending the affair.  I guess it must have been difficult, but it was the right thing to do.  I am sure you feel much better and relieved. 

I personally do not judge you.  I know sometimes as humans we get ourselves involved in situations that are clearly not good for us.  But once we turn around and do the right thing, we just learn from our mistakes and move on.

I posted this hub on Marriage

http://hubpages.com/relationships/How-to-Have-a-Ha...


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

Thanks for the links, LisaG. They aren't working :( looks like they have underscores in the addys instead of dashes.

People, if you click on LisaG you should get her profile and can find her articles from there if the links directly to them aren't working.


LisaG profile image

LisaG 9 years ago from Caribbean

Alright, I fixed it. The one on How to Have a Happy Marriage is working.

Thanks Veronica.


kunle profile image

kunle 9 years ago from naija

The problem i have with relationships in the so called developed countries is their inability to sustain a relationship simply because all they do during courtship is to have sex and once the sex is good,they get married and after a couple of years divorce is the next thing. Sex is good,infact very sweet but a relationship does not survive on that alone, you need trust and sacrifice on both couple's part is needed.

Are you not really ashamed of the difficulties you bring into the lives of the children that were born during this marriage.I believe the sense of moralty in that society is gone, you see nothing wrong with sleeping with married men or women,you encourage all the things that God frowns against. you turn the use of the things God created upside down and you pray for peace, fight terrorism, when the solution to all this problem lies in your home.If you have a happy home them there is a guarantee that you will have a happy nation.

Infact development and modernisation used in the wrong way is the course of all our problems.Most people don't believe in God again, you divorce yourself and then remarry another person while you original spouse is leaving. you don't believe in heaven or hell.you are nonchallant.You claim that there is no God but you dance to the tune of the devil, if the devil exists then deffinately there is a God, if evil exist then there must be good. READ THE CONCLUSION IN MY HUB


9 years ago

I used to be one of those women who googled "married men in affairs", looking for answers...ANY sign or indication that my relationship with my "ex" was "the one", the less than 1% of all affairs that actually last. Any sign or indication that my relationship "could" last, I kept close to my heart. But I ignored the thousands of other indications that the affair would never make it. I wanted to believe this was the one, because the lust I felt for him was something I haven't felt since high school. In my mind, it HAD to be true because it felt SO right. The feeling was intoxicating, I waited days, sometimes weeks, for my next "fix" with him. He was like a drug.

Well, newsflash to all the women out there, I recently ended my 1 year affair with a 39 year old married man because he cheated on me "the other woman", with ANOTHER woman. Yeah, so karma came back to bite me in the butt. Don't get me wrong, I deserved it because I threw myself in between a 10 year marriage. The background: he told me a year ago, that he was going to wait until "after the holidays" to get a divorce. He told me he was "separated". He also told me that I was amazing, special, incredible, blah blah blah, and that he wanted to be with me. He told me that if he were single, he would be with me. Everything that's ever been said to women, he's told me. I heard it all. When we were together, he made me feel like a million dollars. The sex was absolutely mind-blowing, the best sex I've ever had.

After "the holidays", his excuses for getting a divorce soon changed to a million other excuses, everything from the slump in the housing market, to his youngest child starting kindergarten. The holidays was spent alone, my birthday was spent alone, and I was lucky enough to receive a card on Valentine's Day. But in my warped and drug-induced mind, the lonely nights was worth the 1-3 hours I got to spend with him a week, if I was lucky. I'll say it again, he was like a drug.

I knew it was wrong and tried ending it so many times, but he always convinced me to take him back. I was addicted. He was an expert at what he did, and I was too naive to realize it. But I almost didn't WANT to believe it. The fantasy world was too intoxicating. I wanted to believe he cared about me, because that's what kept my "high" going, at least temporarily when he was gone.

After months of living this unfufilling fantasy, I knew the only way out was to catch him in one of his lies. The fuse was there, I just needed the ignition to get myself away from him. Like a two-month long chess game, I basically had him cornered. He had no way out when I found out that he was cheating on me with ANOTHER woman. That's when it all dawned on me, how wrong the affair was, how he was a lying sack of shit, and everything he ever told me was a lie, on top of another lie. I feel so bad for his wife, who is still living in the dark, and will be always tied to this man because she has two children with him. It will probably take her years, if ever, to find out the truth. And when she does, she can never fully end it like I did because of their common children.

Being the better person, I just walked away. No fights, no threats, no fits of sobbing, nothing. I had one last conversation with him, where he continued to lie to me, even though I knew the truth. I sent him one last text message, telling him how much he meant to me and I hope he knows it, and I just walked away. And at that point, I felt sorry for him. He continues to live in the fantasy world, and I was finally free, watching him with pity from the outside.

Ladies, my final word of advice. Do whatever you have to do to get away! Even if it means finding out the truth. If you don't, you'll always go back to him. Find a reason to leave, and never look back. I finally feel liberated, finally knowing that I had the strength to end this horrid relationship. Affairs will never work out. After knowing that I know now, I wish I never started one. This was a good life lesson for me, and I've moved on. I just hope other women out there have the strength to one day do the same. If my story helps just one other woman, my experience wasn't totally in vain.


jenn 9 years ago

great post k!!


Me 9 years ago

First of all, thank you to everyone for your stories. I have been involved with a married man off and on for over 3 1/2 years. More off than on. Nevertheless it has completely screwed up my life because he knows just what buttons to push and where I'm vulnerable to him. So guess what....HE F!@#ING LIES to me. He is the MASTER MANIPULATOR! I swear he's a pathological liar and borders on being a sociopath. I have ended it with him sooooo many times after finding out he isn't separated, in the process of a divorce, moved out, blah, blah, blah..... And everytime I do, I'm crying, hurt, angry. Not so much at him, but myself for being such a fool for believing him again. And the guilt for being the "other woman" has all but destroyed me. I know...I deserve it. I should have waited until the divorce was final. He NEVER shows any emotion when I'm hurting and telling him to leave me alone, just calmly tells me to "knock off all the drama". I have just been so pathetic to believe all the lies he has told me everytime. When I've broken it off with him, I have changed my phone number (several times), I have even moved, and he always finds a way to me. He always tells me "he's chosen me", that he'll always be back no matter what I do. I have changed my email, passwords, accounts so many times, I now have to write everything down because there have been so many I can't keep track and HE STILL FINDS ME. I am soooo worn down. I have considered telling his wife and/or his adult children, but don't have the heart to destroy their lives. I soooo want to stop hurting. I am soooo sorry I ever met the man. I'm not even interested in finding anyone else. I just want to feel better about me. I have no support system, as I was too ashamed to admit to anyone I was seeing a married man. The post about your life being in "parts" is so very true. But not just your life; seeing a married man, if you have any conscience at all, fragments your very soul. I'm not seeing him now and he told me "okay" like nothing, like I was/am nothing/no one. God that hurts because I am!!! I just have to consider the source, but when you've been broken down as I ALLOWED him to do, it's incredibly hard. One breath at a time, one day at a time. That's all I can do and hope like hell he eventually forgets about me.


9 years ago

Me-

I've been in your shoes, literally, just weeks ago. One important step I took was opening up to others about my affair with MM. During the darkest time of my affair, I told one of my good friends, mostly out of sheer desparation. And to my surprise, he (and his wife) were sooo supportive!! I also told several of my other friends, and none of them turned me away for my mistake. That meant the world to me, and I would call my friends literally everyday and lean on them for support. Even if you need to open up to us, open up to SOMEONE. Its a huge step in healing. During this affair, you were probably like me, you turned away your friends and family because you were so ashamed. Your MM also probably brainwashed you, telling you that you can't tell anyone because it'll hurt him, and he "trusts" you. Ok, this is no longer about HIM, this is about YOU. Its those people that will support you through this, and your MM is trying to push them away so he can keep you as long as possible. Its his way of controlling you. Don't let him!

Its not your fault that this affair happened, don't ever blame yourself. It takes two to tango. Your MM sounds a lot like my MM: manipulative and subtlety controlling. My MM used to throw the whole "drama" line to me too, saying I was causing more drama in his already dramatic life (i.e. with his wife...) ! We used to get in fights and in the end, I would apologize for causing so much "drama". Please, who brought on the drama by lying to his wife AND me? My MM was so good at lying, I almost didn't want to believe the truth anymore because I knew the truth was SO ugly. I didn't want to believe he was a cheat and liar, I wanted to believe he was my one and only, because that is what he used to tell me.

When life sucks, life is so much better high...until you come down from that. But the truth is, you (and I) were in love with a man you will never have. I realized that first hand when I found out MM was cheating on me! I wasn't in love with him, I was in love with the lies. Reality hit me like a ton of bricks, this is not a relationship, this was an affair.

So, in order to heal, find an anchor first. Whether it'd be friends, family, or anonymous people in the internet. And with that support, one day, you'll find that you'll have the strength to leave. Just know that there are thousands of women out there who feel and understand your pain. Its a long healing process, but I'm confident you'll get through this. And when you do, I guarantee you'll be a better and stronger person! I know I am. Please continue to post here if it helps you heal. I know you'll survive!


Me 9 years ago

k -

Thank you so much for your encouraging words! When I read them I cried and cried. I have felt so incredibly ALONE in all this. I also re-read your original post. Our "MM" is a clone. Apparently they are all the same or at least share the same evil traits.

I have done exactly like you described...I have totally isolated myself. I did that to me FOR HIM. How sick is that???? Like the holidays, when he was supposedly separated, he'd always tell me he'd "try to get away for a little bit", so I'd cut my time short with my family so I'd be available - just to end up sitting alone in the dark. No phone call, no visit. When he'd call after that, he'd tell me he was SOOOO miserable not getting to see/talk to me and that he'd sat by himself and thought about me and wished we were together, blah, blah, blah... It became all about HIM. HIS misery, HIS this, HIS that. Makes me sick to think I did this for almost four years. Every holiday, every birthday, every weekend. I never thought of him as a drug, but maybe that's what it was. I wanted so badly to believe someone cared/loved me. The last year I was with him wasn't like that though. It was just plain miserable for me. I didn't want him to call or come see me and like I said before, no matter what I did, he'd find me. He'd even just show up at my house all mad because I wouldn't answer the phone or return his calls. I just wanted him to leave me alone. I wanted to be away from him and try to heal myself. I have cut up every picture, every note; thrown away every single pitiful gift, there is absolutely NOTHING left to even idicate he was in my life. The worst part of all of this is we work at the same place. I don't see him at work any more (thank God!), but he's there ya know? Because of how distructive this has been I'm even considering a new career/job. I'd loose all the hard work I've done, and maybe that's my punishment, that and the mental anguish/depression I've gone through for so long. I don't know, I just want it to STOP. Writing to this board has been a tremendous release because I have kept everything inside and hidden it all. I wish there was a website where screwed up people like me could chat or email for support. I got involved in this whole mess because I met and believed a man who told me he was separated and in the process of a divorce. I have tried to disappear from his life ever since finding out that's not true and never was/has been. HE is the one who continues to pursue this...NOT ME! I was the wife once and my husband cheated on me with my best friend. I know the other side and I'd never, ever knowingly do that to another woman/family. I'm not judging anyone who's ever believed the smooth talking, glib, charming men who cheat. It's just a really, really, bad, incredibly unhealthey thing.


9 years ago

Me-

Like you, I too work with my xMM, we met at our place of employment. It's very hard, what I did to try to heal was take time off from work. That helped tremendously, in fact, this upcoming weekend is probably going to be the first time I see him at work. for me, it got to the point where the hurt was no longer worth it. I too for months, considered quitting my job! But that's where opening up to others really helps! He's SOO worth quitting your job! In fact, that would probably cause more stress for you. Leaving your work will not make the pain in your heart go away, and you'd be dealing with the stress of a new job and starting over. My friends had to constantly remind me that he is not worth quitting my job, that I'm way better than that. And I know you are too! Imagine starting over, having to learn the ropes, trying to get along with new co-workers, AND dealing with the pain you feel in your heart! Its too overwhelming. So don't quit, don't let him control your life even more. You'll be happy one day that you didn't quit, when you are over your MM and you have another cute, handsome buck waiting for you outside work with flowers! ;)

MM are always about "them". They are selfish beings who have no regard for others. Like you, I too, sat around on holidays and birthdays, wishing and dreaming he could come by. If I was lucky, he'd stop by for 5 minutes. That's pathetic! When I dare bring up that he doesn't spend enough time with me, I'd get an earful from him, like I should feel lucky that he graced me with 5 whole minutes of his holy presence! I'd talk back to him at first, but then over time, I realized how submissive I became towards him. It was absolutely the unhealthiest thing in the world! We allow this to continue because we let them. Soon, we're brainwashed to think that making our MM happy, makes US happy, even if it means giving up our own happiness.

I can tell just by your post, that you are breaking away. You are starting to realize that the unhappiness outweighs the so-called "happiness". You have support everywhere, reach out and you'll be surprised who grabs on. I leaned on friends and counseling. And then leave this pathetic excuse of a man! You can do it, you're not alone...


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

K and Me -

Thanks for using this forum for your discussion. It's been very interesting.

I wish you both the best.

Veronica


9 years ago

ok, I just re-read my post, he's NOT WORTH quitting your job! Sorry, was tpying too fast...=T


Joanne 9 years ago

Wow. I have read every single word. I have been persued by a married man the past 18mths and managed to restrain myself. Just last sunday he propositioned me for the first time, asking to meet the next day. Have to say I have been tempted from day one. It is an ego boost for me and does get the blood racing but I need to stick to my guns. I am worth more than that. I deserve better, we all do. The poor wives and the poor women manipulated by these men. We all just want the same thing.


"Not" Me 9 years ago

Well, this morning I finially told him to NO MORE and take care. For the umpteenth time. This time will be different. I have finally found inner strength from all of you. I cannot thank you enough. Especially "k" and Veronica who has this board. I will check back here every day and read and reread every word so I NEVER forget. I honestly feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders. Now I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. And Joanne....Dear God....DON'T DO IT!!!! Please learn from us. If I never find someone to love again, it is infinitely better than feeling like shit all the time. Again - Thank you to everyone who posted here.


tarotcardman profile image

tarotcardman 9 years ago from walsall

i aggree. he aint the trust worthy type. hes cheating on his wife who he loves so dear . what a load of crap he do the same to u too when u aint giving him the sex he needs . u go and divorce ur hubby if it aint right. but find someone who can fullfill ur needs. and who loves only u . he will never leave is wife for you. ur just giving him what he aint getting at home. fuck him off and ur hubby if it aint working go find the person that loves only you .all the best.


9 years ago

Hey all, thank you for your words of kindness. I just want my experience to give others the strength to move on. I've learned so much about others, and myself this past year! I've realized from experience that MMs are pathetic, self-centered losers. I've lost so much of myself the past year, I'm just now starting to care for myself again. I took up some new hobbies, re-skindled some lost friendships (some as a result of xMM), and even dating again. I've found a lovely new guy, whom I really enjoy being around, and I'm looking forward to where this new relationship might go.

Work still sucks because i see and hear from xMM. But he's not worth quitting my job over! And just a quick update, xMM is trying SO hard to come back into my life! He's back to his old bag of tricks, calling, leaving text messages, etc. And here's what I've learned, ladies...they will say or do anything to get you back...because it worked a gazillion times before!! All they know is their old tricks, because its what they're comfortable with, and because they know how to exploit our vulnerabilities! They think, "Well, if I do exactly what I've been doing, she'll come back, she always does...I'll get some again." It's called "fishing", he throws out the "bait", because he thinks you'll hook it like you always do. If you throw out the "bait" for him, does he hook it? Probably not, because unfortunately, the relationship (AKA affair), is on his terms, not yours, and he knows it! Take back control now, because I'm telling you, its the most refreshing feeling ever! Leave quietly and with dignity, and let him know you're serious. He will probably try harder to come back, but the ultimate revenge will be when he realizes that he's lost you for good. Who's the one crying at home now??

The trick is to recognize his true colors, the "pathetic, self-centered loser" that he is. Not just recognize it, but feel it in your heart, so much that it almost burns. Me, being the better person, I don't accept his pathetic advances, nor do I bitch him out either. I just kindly refuse his request, and then ignore any further contact. Let me tell you, it makes me see the real him, the pathetic loser that he really is. And on the flip side, I can tell it drives him absolutely NUTS. It drives him crazy that he's lost me, and I'm ok with that. Because he is NO LONGER my problem!! The fact that he lost his booty call, is NO LONGER my problem. It's his! Dump the weight of the affair on him, its not your weight to carry!

Find it within yourselves to leave! You can do it...


sam 9 years ago

very interesting posts from all sides of the coins, i have been very close friends with a married man for nearly a year we have not slept together or even kissed, we have met for coffee and enjoyed times together and have both admitted that we have strong feelings for each other, he is very un happy in his marriage and has been for 3 years after forgiving his wife an affair for the sake of his children, he has been married and faithfull for ten years, my view is that if your truly un-happy you should move on you can still be a good parent and support your ex partner, i don't think anyone has the right to judge people for what they do, we are responsible for our own choices we make in life not other peoples, we can offer support and advice but i think its wrong when people are calling others names such as whore or asshole !!


charity 9 years ago

Well...I still think it is not a bad idea to "let the wife in" on what their husbands are REALLY doing and to ROCK their worlds like they have rocked ours. I have two in particular emails out of 100 I plan on mailing to her - I think she has a right to know and I think he deserves a little rocking of his own. Even if she keeps him, he may think TWICE before doing it again.


charity 9 years ago

I know he is cheating! He is cheating on his wife with me (or WAS). I just wanted a survey of WHO thought I should send emails to the wife. Yes, it would hurt her, too, but....I think she has a right to know and I think he needs to COME CLEAN! I have ended it, but....I still hurt and want him to feel what I feel. I just wanted some feedback on what people thought about sending stuff to the wife to ROCK the cheating husband a little bit...maybe he will think TWICE before doing it again.


Me 9 years ago

Charity,

Just my humble opinion...I don't see any sense in hurting someone who is completely innocent, i.e., the wife. I'm sure it would make you feel better initially, but only for the short term. I think that would fade and you'd still be left to deal with the hurt you have now. He'll get his...you may never know about it, but he will.


Me 9 years ago

Sorry....my cat helped me post too soon :) As they say..."Karma's a bitch". Being involved with a married man was wrong from the get go for both. I knew it and did it anyway. I paid with wasting almost four years of my life, losing a lot of my self-esteem, lots of guilt, and settled for sharing a man. NOTHING AND NO ONE IS WORTH THAT!!! (I can say that on hind sight) I sure as hell wouldn't want to be the catalyst that possibly tears a family apart on my conscience on top of all that. You're not going to change him. If he can change at all that has to come from somewhere inside him. Just my 2 cents...


ugg 9 years ago

i am seeing and in love with a married man, we were dating for 4 months before i found out he was married because his wife emailed me... he is an incredible liar... we have been to therapy to discuss our problems.... somehow i am continuing this relationship... i am in a daze here... we are in love and share an incredible bond, his wife knows he sleeps around... i don't know, i feel so confused. i am a professional person with a great career, i have been lying to most of the people in my life who know i have this boyfriend, because i was so happy about us in the beginning... we are on the phone all day and email constantly, i see him everyday, we have gone on a few trips, he spends the night when he can, uggggg im so confused, i do not ask him to leave his family, it is not my place to do so, he says he is not in love with wife but will not leave her with their kids, he talks about getting his own place and separating from her, but i am not sure if he will do so ever...i think what happened here is that he lied to me and by the time i found out the truth i was in way too deep, i forgive him for lying, i found out he had several other chicks besides me and he has broken off with them... the ove we have is real but the circumstance is impossible, i am having trouble leaving the love we have, breaking up would be so so painful. i realize that most likely we have no real future, and untilmately i do not trust this man... this does not mean i don't love him...i feel badly about his wife even if they do have a quasi open marriage, their relationship is not too much of my buisiness, i just wanted to add my story here...


9 years ago

charity, I used to think that contacting the wife would be a great idea, the ultimate revenge. Now, in retrospect, I'm glad I didn't. I was one mouse click away from sending her an e-mail, but my friends talked me out of it. In my opinion, it'll make things worse. Who's to say the wife will even listen to you? Or maybe she knows and doesn't care. You don't need the extra burden, In my opinion, its not worth it.


aagghh 9 years ago

this website is a great..i think!!!! I am one of the idiots who is in love with a married man. Sorry about the name calling, but I know that all of you dating married men ask yourself this questions everyday "am I an idiot for listening to what he tells me". I know I ask myself that question nonstop...that's why we are all here...we are reading all of these posts HOPING to find someone who supports us, agrees with us, and someone that this has really worked out for BUT even though we will not admit it, we KNOW the truth, what we are doing is not healthy...we are giving everything we have to a man who is not even willing to give us even half of himself and then we wonder what WE are doing wrong, why WE are not good enough...I know tht by being with my MM, i am settling but I cannot leave...like everyone else, I am in love! I have broke up with him several times, dated single men with whom I had horrible dates, and then go running back to my MM telling myself that at least the small amount of time spent with the MM is good. aagghh...i don't even know what it is i am typing. I get so flustered over this situation because I really do want to leave him but something keeps pulling me back. Everytime i think i have the stregnth to leave, he does something that makes me think all of the sacrifices are worth our time together..only to get disappointed again. Soooooo, i began to justify it to myself: telling myself that I am only with him for "fun" and that I am not in love, telling myself that I will date on the side but keep him around until i find something better...it never works out like that, I always end up comparing my dates to my MM and the MM wins. I know what i am doing...we all do...even though we all believe we are in love (and we just might be) we need to stop fooling ourselves because WE all ready KNOW know the truth...that we will NOT end up with them. I really learned this yesterday, thanksgiving, I spent the entire day alone...lonely...I texted him, emailed him, called him...guess what?...No answers...Then today he played mad at me because I know his situation and I am going to cause drama...I APOLOGIZED!!!!...afterwards I realized how pathedic I am...I APOLOGIZED...am I kidding myself....that's pathedic!!!! So, as you can tell, I am struggling with leaving him....Im working on it, really...i geuss Im through the first step...Im no longer in denial...hopefully this site will support me through the rest of the steps...good luck to all of the mistresses out there..I feel your pain, hopefully we can all get through this together :)


aagghh 9 years ago

Oh yea...to all of the wives, even as hypicritcal as this seems: I AM SOOO SORRY!!!! My MM does not talk badly about his W. He tells about problems in their marriage but has never said a disprespectful word towrds her. I never wanted to hurt anyone, I don't want to hurt her, the sad truth is, that from what I know about her, if we ever met, we would probably end up being good friends...I PROMISE ALL OF THE WIVES...I M LEAVING HIM, I AM...IM TRYING REALLY HARD. Please be open minded, its not like i searched out my MM, he pursed me for over a year and we got together while they were seperated (she left him). I never would have done this if I realized the pain I was causing everyone (including myself...That's why I am here...Im trying to stop, I really am...please don't judge me just support me, I really want to hear what the wives have to say..someone mature and open minded...please no name calling...I know that I have fucked up and trust me, I have called myself enough names all ready...


AudacityOfHope 9 years ago

These stories hit home for me, for the past month I have been seeing a man who told me he was "getting a divorce". Now the "divorce" no longer comes up and guess what? I don't even have his phone number!! He calls me and his number is BLOCKED! How humiliating is that? And each time I try to break it off with him he comes over with some wine or makes dinner for me or takes me out..this is bad. All of your comments have inspired me to write a poem-I will post it as soon as I type it up.


aagghh 9 years ago

Audacityofhope,

I know its easier said then done, but leave now...before you get in too deep!!!! At leaset your not tempted to call. Can you imagine how much harder it gets after months or even years and you do have his number and when you call you get forwarded to voicemail (because you know hes with the W). Can you imagine knowing where he lives...its hard to not give into the temptation to drive by just to see if their bedroom light is on....GET OUT NOW, before you fall far in love and end up hurting yourself...wow, I sure do sound like a hypocrit...


ugg 9 years ago

how do you leave someone you love ? i understand that this is amoral ect, but the love is strong and he treats me so well, like a great boyfriend, publicly and privately and he is like my best friend as well, how do i break this bond, as i said earlier, my guy basically tricked me for the months that ot took to win my heart before i found out the dreaded truth... ok, upon finding it out i becasme complicit by staying, i am equally at fault... but how do i leave this man who i love with all of my heart...


AudacityOfHope 9 years ago

Private Call

You held my hand and made me smile,

You made this head-strong girl

Weak.

You cooked me dinner and played with my kids,

You rubbed my back,

You know what you did.

You told me I make you happy

and that you’re getting a divorce.

I thought I got so lucky

Meeting you at such a crossroads in your life-

But tonight…

You still have a Wife.

Thought it was matter of time, I could wait it out.

But how can I Wait

for something

that will Never come?

I

Can’t

Do

This

Any

More.

You call me when you want to talk,

said we’d go out Saturday.

But Saturday…

my phone did not ring.

Sunday’s fog almost choked me.

Memories of our earthquake nights

Shook me.

You took me.

But now,

I take myself Back.

I told you that you could not hurt me,

I said that I am grown.

But at night

Still

I am Alone.

I listen to your stories about your hard, hard life.

I want to see you

and kiss you

and hold you tight.

But tonight…

You still have a Wife.

Thank you for the attention,

You make me feel so special.

For 90 minutes,

And then

you have to go.

Thank you for the cookies and the coffee,

That really made me happy.

But soon that’s gone

and

You go Home.

Again

I am Alone.

Do you think this is the way I want it?

Have you ever thought of me?

I Don’t Want To Be Your Secret.

I don’t want you to be my Secret.

What I want is a man I can introduce to my friends

Who will take me out and hold my hands.

I. Can’t. Do. This. Any. More.

You told me you don’t want to meet my crazy family any way,

That you don’t want any more kids.

You told me this isn’t going anywhere,

That this is just How It Is.

You said we’d go out Saturday

but Saturday came and my phone

did not ring.

Ask me how a blind person knows what is there

Without seeing.

You told me without telling me that you are Not what I want.

Now you tell me you will wait to separate until after the holidays

But you never asked if I will wait until after the holidays.

Thanksgiving,

my Birthday,

Christmas and

New Year’s Eve…

Those holidays I’ll spend alone,

I Am Not Naïve.

So continue paying her bills

and holding her at night

and asking your kids if their day was alright.

Because I’m telling you without telling you-

Don’t bother calling me at all,

I will no longer answer

when its says “Private Call”.


AudacityOfHope 9 years ago

thanks Agghh for your words of encouragement. I realize that ever since my divorce the only men I have "dated" have been attached-either "separated" or "getting" a divorce. I see that I have been so stupid. I have never been to any of THEIR houses-they have come to mine. Married men don't even fucking wear rings any more, and they will say any thing to make you fall for them. I am beautiful, educated and have a really good job, but all of that doesn't matter when you feel like shit. I feel like there is something wrong with me bc I only attract married men....


aagghh 9 years ago

you guys have to watch this...it gives me strength. I know its country but bare with it...its definitly worth watching:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIyxkZod2cM


Me 9 years ago

AudacityOfHope....WOW!!! What a phenomonal poem. Reading that was like looking in a mirror. Thank you. As for Sugarland's "Stay", I used to just break down and cry when I heard it. Now I just get tears in my eyes. Maybe I'm getting better. God knows it's still incredibly hard. I have to ask everyone/anyone....Do you ever second guess yourself? My relationship with a married man has changed so much of me. I don't trust anybody. I'm so afraid of getting hurt again, I can't even think about being with someone. Have I lost my mind? I tell myself this is some sort of self defense mechanism and will go away in time. But it still keeps me isolated on a level, just like he did ya know?


AudacityOfHope 9 years ago

Dear Me,

I'm so glad you liked the poem...

agghh I had never heard of Sugarland before, I enjoyed that song so much.

I think it is clear, being someone's secret is really degrading. Being in a secret relationship with a married man makes you subconciously think you are not good enough to be his official woman. Somehow we then translate this feeling into: "maybe I'm not good enough to be ANYone's official woman!" This is totally ridiculous. All I know is I need a real man, someone who will take me to the hospital if I am sick or who will watch my kids if I need to run to the store or who will help me cook dinner and wash teh dishes. THIS is a real man, not someone who comes over to hump!!! we are so strong ladies, we can kick these charmers to the curb. This is the only way to make room for real love to walk into our lives.


aagghh 9 years ago

ME,

I used to feel the same but I am starting to loose those feelings. You see, I think that this sick game we are playing would cause anyone to have those feelings. I mean we are giving these men everything we have and getting shit in return. We start to think it is our fault but it is not. I mean, it is our faults for being in these situations but just by being on this forum shows we are trying to fix this. We will have normal relationships one day, with men who love us, and only us...with real men...

A REAL MAN: someone who will want to spend the holidays with me, someone who wants to hold me in there arms ALL night, someone who doesn't have their best friend call me telling me his wife has his phone when hes in the hospital, someone who doesn't ask me not to wear makeup because he is afriad it will run off o his shirt...this is definitly not my man!!!! I hope you don't mind me writing a lot right now but I feel like venting a bit. Yoo see, my situation is a bit different then everyone elses here: I met my MM 2 years ago, we were nothing more then acquiantances. There was a physical attraction from the beginning but nothing ever happened because I knew he was married. eventually we lost touch. Months later, ran into eachother and he was single. His wife moved across the globe. They were no longer together. At first I was weary so we became friends, A few months later we started dating. i almost even lived with him at his apartment. I drove his car. I took his dry cleaning in. we vacationed together. He would cook dinner, I would clean. We went to dinners everynight and I was introduced to all of his friends and his father even knew of me. This went on for 6 happy months..we were the couple that everyone evied because we were so in love!!!! Our eyes lit up when we were together and he would never let go of my hand. Then he went on a buisnnes trip to another country. On the way back he stopped to visit his x and thier baby. He was devastated that his baby cried everytime he pick him up. He decided he coulldnt live without his baby and it killed him that his child was across the world. He came back from his buissness trip with his wife and baby. Initially, that's when I broke up with him. i didn't want any part of it. But the nights of him begging at my door and the endless phone calls about how i am the pure love he alwys dreamnt of, how he needed me in his life, how he didn't want to loose me...i gave in and whalaa...its now been 3 months of me dating a MM. I have broke up with him numerous times and somehow always end up with him. When we are together I think that the small amount of time we spend together is worth the pain that i feel, at times like now...laying in bed with thoughts of him and HER laying in the bed I used to lay in with him...it makes me nasuea. At first i would have nightmares and wake up vomitting at the thought of him with her. I don't know id=f its a good thing or a bad thing that those dreams stopped. Anyhow, these relationships that we are in definitly make us reevalute ourselves constently. I have decided that, maybe, deep down we are just afraid that we wont find anything better...maybe we are afraid of being lonely...but look at us..typing to each other (strangers) on some forum...I dunno but I sure think that that is lonely..so are we really winning? My MM has never lied to me. He doesn't promise me he will leave her. He has said that he wont. He does say that they don't get along but knows thats a part of an realtionship. he has even told me that if she left him again, that it wouldn't mean that I would replace her. He says he would want to be single. So maybe I am more stupid then anyone else here...at least you MM are giving you hope...mine doesnt...yet I am still around. HHHmmm...anyways...i know this was long...thanks for allowing me to share my story. Oh yes, and i have met this other guy, he seems really nice, single, and sexy...he wants to go out on a date...can someone please help me explain why I keep turning him down because i feel guilty because i am "committed" to my MM who is "committed" to his wife??????


AAGGHH 9 years ago

hE JUST TEXTED ME "GOOD NIGHT, I LOVE YOU"...WOW, i AM SUCH A LUCKY GAL...HAHAHAA..AS MY LAST POST SAID ....WHY THE HELL ARE WE SETTLEING??????????????


uggh 9 years ago

go out with the other guy, don't be crazy or more crazy than we already are

see what its like to be with someone who is available, don't feel guilty, that is fantasy guilt because you wish it was a real relationship where u would feel guilty, it is a fantasy for him and thus for you, but we women miss out on having someone to go home when our fantsay sessions of love end... these guys get it all and we are the on the side chciks that they know will stick around becuase we are victims, hero women don't eat shit...come on girls lets be heros to ourselves, fucking a amarried guy a few times is ehhhhhh, but being with one, pretending to be theor girlfriend...no good ladies. i dont know how im gonna leave mine, we happened to be very very close friends and in love but in a fantasy world

sure in public he kisses me and holds my hands, my friends think he is my boyfriend, he says he is , he says we will be together forever, he wants us to have a baby soon...but he wont leave his family a mess, i find this heroic in ways, but it sucks for me.

i live this james with all of my soul, us together naked in bed cuddled and sexually entwined feels life heaven, a heaven i want to prolound


AAGGHH 9 years ago

UGGHH,

THANKS, IT


AAGGHH 9 years ago

ugh, thanks..I ACCEPTED THE DATE!!!!

and..i didnt text my MM back last night...and geuss what, he couldnt stand it...he texted me numerous times today including first thing in the morn..isnt it amazing how he found the time today...im sure he spent the entire night wondering why i didnt jump and return his text right away, like ussual. Funny how things change when the tables are turned. Im starting to feel stronger but I know that it wont last because we have a vacation planned for this weekend...or maybe it will make me see that i am worth being with everynight and not just planned vacations...we will see. I get more disgusted with my actions daily AND this site has helped alot...i dont feel so alone...thankyou guys!!!!


AAGGHH 9 years ago

ugh, thanks..I ACCEPTED THE DATE!!!!

and..i didn't text my MM back last night...and geuss what, he couldn't stand it...he texted me numerous times today including first thing in the morn..isn't it amazing how he found the time today...im sure he spent the entire night wondering why i didn't jump and return his text right away, like ussual. Funny how things change when the tables are turned. Im starting to feel stronger but I know that it wont last because we have a vacation planned for this weekend...or maybe it will make me see that i am worth being with everynight and not just planned vacations...we will see. I get more disgusted with my actions daily AND this site has helped a lot...i don't feel so alone...thankyou guys!!!!


learnforever 9 years ago

I am not a pathetic loser who thinks badly of myself. I am not a slut. I am not a whore. I already had feelings I was hiding for a MM, hid them for 10 months before the friendly banter changed to innuendo and I realized he was "casting his line" to see if I would bite.

 I bit.

We were already such good friends, I lied to myself and watched him lie to her so that we could have the most incredible sex I've ever had, and for the first few weeks, that was really all it was for me. I woke up one morning and reached for him, even as I realized he wasn't there...would never be there. And I knew I was in trouble.

I am not a homewrecker. I do have a conscience.

He would sneak out early before work, come into my unlocked front door, wake me up in the most wildly sexy, kinky ways that I'd dreamed of my whole life. He would text me at work, from work, telling me he was going to pick me up at lunch and what exactly he planned to do to me. I allowed lust to temporarily override my heart and head for so, so long.

One day he said he couldn't do it anymore. From the beginning he said when it was time to be done, he would be honest about it. He wouldn't just put me off or stop calling...he would say it was done. And he was saying it. My heart took over then. I cried. I begged him to reconsider. My brain was involved enough to keep me from saying I loved him, and I told him how much we had left to explore, new things we both always wanted to do...and how it was such a good thing I wasn't in love with him because if I "met someone" which he sincerely wants for me, I would dump the MM in a minute...I convinced him. He was having an attack of conscience, the first sane thought either of us had had since it began, and I talked him back into the wrong we were doing. Six days later, his wife found out.

 To every woman who reads this, I apologize to the woman I hurt and her children, but I do not apologize to you, whether you are a betrayed wife or in love with a MM as well...your life is what you have made it. If you have been cheated on, there were warning signs. That doesn't make right what he did, but if you had known before you married him that he would cheat, would you have walked away from all that would happen besides that? I am not proud of myself, but I can't do more than apologize and hold my head up, and keep the good things I got from the affair.

And learn from it, grow from it, become a better person...and maybe, someday, forgive myself for cheating HER...and me.

And you see I don't mention what I hope for him. He wants me to meet someone who can be mine and make me happy. But his wife thought she had that once, too. He is not a man. And he disgusts me as much as I disgust myself.


wide awake 9 years ago

HI to everyone here who is hurting I wish you peace and love. My story is that 4 months ago I bumped into an old friend. We talked and he told me he was very unhappy in his marriage. I knew him from years ago and he was unhappy with her then (doh!) but had married her two years ago because he had cancer. He said she booked it all so he went along with it. Anyway, we went for a few drinks a few days later and one thing led to another. I was already hurting a lot at the time because of a breakup so thought I would not get involved, it was just someone to have fun with.. A couple of months went by and things started to get me down, I did end it a couple of times but he made ME feel guilty each time. Anyway, after 3 months like this he was staying at my place at the weekends from time to time so she kicked him out. And where did he go? You guessed correctly..we had 2 weeks of him staying with me, making such HUGE effort cooking, cleaning, shopping, the perfect guy, he even met my parents when they came to visit instead of going to stay with his sister like I told him to. Anyway, he is 42, I am 37 and his wife is 50. She has 3 grown up children and the youngest son (19) is in some trouble. He says he had to stay until after January when he goes to court. Looking back there were SO MANY warning signs I chose to ignore (stupidly) But the upshot was that one day he walked in out of the blue and said he was going to stay with her son to help with his depression. this was on Tuesday. Just took his stuff and went just like that. Saturday morning he showed up all clean shaven and fresh and we had sex, but he didn't stay long, he said he had to get back to the boy> that evening he called me to say 'his wife' had my number, she did text me that night pretending to be him but I ignored it. Next day he called me to say he was worried I would ring her (I now had her number). He was so cold and rude to me I was stunned. I did not call her, just told him to leave me alone. He had obviously gone back to her from the word go (the first chance he got)-I have never felt so used. 5 weeks on I am still raging with fury even tho I knew he was married! I have sent him horrible text messages (including one today) because the anger will not go away. I imagine him lYING to her and her believing it, how can he think he can just get away with this? He promised to never hurt me but when it came to the crunch he didn't give me a second thought, all the nights I stayed up with him listening to his tales of woe were a WASTE of time because if life was so damn hard why did he rush back there? Don't fall for the charm please save yourself for the one who is available, it is just not worth the pain...


sparkster profile image

sparkster 9 years ago from United Kingdom

plain and simple, you just shouldn't mess around with somebody elses man and if he can do something like that to this own wife, then surely he can do the same to you.


aagghh 9 years ago

tonight i had an epihany...i am not sure if i am in lovce with my mm anymore...i think i am just in love with the 6 months we had together before his w returned. he is no longer that person...i am in love with the past that is no longer a reality...tonight we even spoke openly about his w like he knew that i am fully accepting of the situation and regardless of what he says or how he rubs it in my face, i will not leave. for the first time, i felt like he looked at me as his fool. i think that everyday i am loving him less and everyday the pedestal that i see him on lowers...this is good, really good. hopefully soon, the pedestal will become a hole in which i will be able to completely look down upon him...i believe it will be in the near future. And, unlike everyone else here who talks about the amazing sex...we rarely make love, only on a few occassions...it is the companship that we enjoy...which is what makes this hard. dont get me wrong, the sex is great (once a month maybe) i mean we see each other 5 nights a week but only make love maybe once a month...we are simply each others support and i think that more then anything, i am afraid of loosing a friend


9 years ago

hey all, a lot of great posts recently. If you guys have the chance, please read this two-part article about a married man who has had numerous affairs, and why he won't leave his wife. Just kinda puts things in persepctive.

http://observer.guardian.co.uk/life/story/0,6903,5...


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

k - The link isn't working. Can you try again? Or leave the link to the main site, and directions to find the article? Thanks!


9 years ago

Sorry, I had to do some research to find the link again! Lets try it, hopefully it'll work...

<a href="http://observer.guardian.co.uk/life/story/0,6903,5... Man Who's Had 46 Affairs (and counting)</a>


Me 9 years ago

k...the link still doesn't work. Has anyone ever noticed how when you won't play their game, won't kiss their ass, won't say you're sorry, won't be manipulated anymore, won't be a part of their fucked up lifestyle, they turn into complete f!@#$% assholes? Wow...he's not even the same human being. He is definitely the worst thing to ever come into my life and things can and will only get better from here. Without him I can be me....and that's a really great feeling!!!


9 years ago

sorry, trying this again!


9 years ago

click on my name in my previous post, it'll take you to the site.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

Wow, that's some article.

k - thanks for working so hard to get us the link.


Charity 9 years ago

Wow...I've been out of town and Have not seen the hub in over a week. GREAT POSTS!! I know that I should not send emails to the wife and I GET that I would be the bigger person if I did not...but these men carry on and promise and choose a certain kind of woman and they are CONFIDENT that we will NEVER do to them what THEY do to us.

My brother just died tragically and guess who PROMISED to be by my side, but never actually SHOWED UP? I was 99.9 percent positive he would not show up anyway. Over the past 6-8 months I have expected NOTHING and when I get nothing, there is no disappointment. We have not been "together" in MONTHS, we have not even kissed. We do email and have seen each other once or twice. I told him to quit calling me because the entire 2 years is a ridiculous JOKE. He texted me on the day of my brother's funeral and I texted him back to thank him and NOW...I WILL send the emails - with my name ERASED to his wife. I have apologized to her and told her there are SEVERAL other women besides me. She has a right to know and his Christmas, birthday, anniversary will ALL be affected. That gives me VALIDATION. They have no children together, she has two kids from a previous and she will concentrate on them....he will be BEGGING, PLEADING and doing ALL the right things to win her back - it may or may not work, and I don't care if it does or does not, but I need to do this for ME! This will definitely end the other part of our relationship, i.e., emails and phone calls for GOOD.

Happy Holidays all - be STRONG and do whatever you have to do to END THE RELATIONSHIP with the MM. I don't have a desire to meet anyone RIGHT now, but my mind is always open and I will find happiness within myself and I have two beautiful girls who need me strong. :)


naïve 9 years ago

Dear all

I'm 20 yars old and have been infatuated with a married man twice my age for over 4 years. I don't see him very often, when i do, its to look after his children.. we kiss and cuddle whenever we get the chance... the attraction and chemistry from the very first moment we saw eachother was just electric, especially for a young impressionable, naïve teen... I always say to myself that I'm so much better and stronger and that he doesn't deserve me, and i vow that i will give him the brush off the next time i see him.... it never works out like that - i want him too much and it eats at my conscience...I'm disappointed in myself all the time yet I'm addicted. It goes against y morals and scruples and yet I don't fight it. What is it about it? will it stop? is he using me? - We have never slept together, hes always said he wanted to wait til i was older and how much he loved my mind and intellect... this doesn't help me!! What am i to him? A nice change from hs stay at home wife? I need some harsh and honest advice...!!! XXX


Waiting 9 years ago

well I'm having an affair with a married man but whenever i try talking to him about what's going to happen later on he keeps teeling me that there r no guarantees and he's got 3 kids to think about and u never know what can happen.... the stupid thing is i keep falling for him whenever he tells me he loves me so much and he'll do anything for me and he calles me like 5 times a day and i'm just confused and i dunno what to do...help!


waiting 9 years ago

good for you charity.....unfortunately in a fit of anger i deleted all his emails but i could do that! i dunno if i have the ourage though..... but good for u!!!


seniors_2009 9 years ago from Pearsall

i totally agree with alex....oh wait i mean highschool08


9 years ago

Leve them alone?! As if they are the victims in all this!


Charity 9 years ago

They seek US out and THEY lie and make empty promises. We may be idiots and FALL for them, but the wives are the true VICTIMS here and...as a woman, I feel a duty to be honest, which is why I sent the emails. I certainly would want to know what my husband was up to...as much as it may hurt, I would want to know so I could make a choice. If these women choose to stay...well...then I feel they both deserve each other, but maybe they are SOO naive and REALLY want to believe their husbands. There are good men out there and eventually, when I'm ready, I will find one.

I'll keep you posted...the emails via snail mail should arrive today or tomorrow. Who knows...maybe she will throw it in the trash to avoid confrontation and if that happens, I will say it agaain...THEY BOTH DESERVE EACH OTHER, and I will be happy I was honest.


louisa 9 years ago

i once sent the wife an e-mail, but found out later that he had access to her inbox and deleted it before she could see it. Bugger.


Rose 9 years ago

DEar naïve...

bless you, you must be confused eh? so you babysit for your MM.. i think its probably just a huge amount of titilation for him, the kick of getting off with a girl half his age... hes manipulated you, taken advantage of your youth, and indeed naivety - you can't see that he's using you yet... but it will become clear with a bit of maturity and you will look back and think "why the hell did i give him the satisfaction" i hope you get the strength to cut things off before you get too involved... 3 years though, that's a long time, and the fact that he hasn't slept with you or pushed it does make me think twice...a tricky one! I wonder why he's doing that.


Charity 9 years ago

Well...the wife received the emails I sent, she called me on the phone to ask questions because her husband told her we ONLY kissed. I did not lie and we actually had an adult conversation for almost 8 minutes. She was BEYOND nice and actually apologized to me, which I told her she had NOTHING to apologize for and that I should apologize and SHE was the victim. She has been made to feel like she is CRAZY, WORTHLESS and he has lied to her incessantly and she actually THANKED me for allowing her to know that she is NOT crazy.

She still does not know what she will do, but she admitted that she DOES love the guy and I said I completely understood and that he had good qualities and maybe with professional help they could make things work. I am happy that I have given her the truth about her husband and allowed her to realize that she is not crazy. She seems like a real person and he is a FOOL to not do EVERYTHING to rehabilitate himself.

I feel good and as difficult as this is and will be, the truth shall set you free!!

Get rid of the married man - all of you.


louisa 9 years ago

That is quite a happy ending!!Good to hear.


GRR! 9 years ago

I've just been reading the comments, and understandably a lot of angry wives are referring to mistresses as "Whores" - I ask you this... what is your husband? How can you be so feeble as to put up with a man who has made love to another woman after commiting to you and only you. After all, the mistress hasn't made a promise to you... why would she care about you? She doesn't know anything of you - most likely she has been manipulated by your husband to believe that you are the worst wife on earth. Put yourself in such a position whereby a man you are so attracted to, physically and emotionally reaches out to you, honestly or dishonestly, and tell you how much he loves YOU etc etc etc... not all of these women having affairs are bloody maneaters or whores!!! They're only human. The wives really are the victms though - if you're husband cheats - have some strength and leave - if you don't, you deserve everything you get.


kibonde renny 9 years ago

It is very terrible,though love is everywhere and it doesnt ask why.Only one should have concious mind of the other.Suppose you were the wife of the man and you love him to your extent,and he plans to leave you for another woman.


kibonde renny 9 years ago

It is very terrible,though love is everywhere and it doesn't ask why.Only one should have concious mind of the other.Suppose you were the wife of the man and you love him to your extent,and he plans to leave you for another woman.


Charity 9 years ago

If I loved someone, I would NEED to know if they were having an affair and OF COURSE I would need to know if they were in love with another. It is sad either way, but let the truth be known How can one be happy in either situation? Is happiness not the ultimate goal in life? Is not knowing BETTER??? If you even suspect your man of having an affair, you could NEVER trust him nor would you EVER be happy.

I think the typical married men having affairs are more in love with themselves than they are EVER capable of being in love with any woman.


Catawn profile image

Catawn 9 years ago from Portland, OR

Ah, yes... if I was rich and famous, married men would leave their wives for me... and then leave me for the next big thing. ;)

Married men are married, and once they (and their affairs) figure that out, things can start to get better.

Great hub & advice.


manoharv2001 profile image

manoharv2001 9 years ago from Bangalore - 560097, Karnataka, India

Ah, yes.Leave the married men alone, they have issues


Allsinglesmeet profile image

Allsinglesmeet 9 years ago from Orlando

Yes, I love married men...... they are dishonest liars and cheaters. You cannot have them except on their time. They will most likely never stay long term with you and never give you anything more than a little sex and heartbreak. Yes, I want to date a married man!


Scots Gal 9 years ago

An excellent book... "diaries of an internet lover" by Dawn Porter... i have always been in love with the same old boring marired man - listen ladies - they're all the same!! WE are only attracted to this species becaue they're a little bit different to the ordinary man - i.e. they are taken... the affair i had was based on my adrenaline... i had so much adrenaline running through me whenever i saw him... it was the higlight of my day, but shit we can do so much better... since reading the book above ive been online and had so much fun with men...and women.. that offer me SO much more than he can.. if i could say anything i would say to you all.. "open your eyes!!" Love to you all x


Perpetua 9 years ago

who out of all of you, believes in jesus? Just out of interest? Im a london girl and suffering with conscience... where is veronica to answer all of these questions by the way???


heartbreak 9 years ago

I too have been dating a married man for 4 years. i had three abortions with this man and then his wife found out two years ago. it was a difficult couple of days talking to her as i was unsure whether she was angry or not even surprised. she told me i was not the only one. anyway after that i was hurting a lot from finding out the truth but he stayed in my life. he told me after she found out he moved out and was trying to find out what he wanted. so we stayed together for another two years. However I never had a good feeling about it and whenever i confronted him we fought. about a month ago i called the wife and i found out that he never moved out and she had forgiven him. i shared the fact that we were still together and she asked me to send her evidence of it which i did. he is still calling me and seeing me and told me that she is tough on him i don't believe it as i think she has forgiven him again and he said she didn't want to know the truth. he is still engaging me in discussions about us and i love him still that it is hard for me to walk away eventhough he has hurt me so very much. please help me?


Charity 9 years ago

All I can say to you heartbreak....you are an IDIOT!!! 3 abortions?? are you kdding me? if he threw you down a set of steps and than picked you up after and told you he loved you, would you believe him??? 3 abortions??? why do you stay with him??? You are a PERSON...you have a BACKBONE...find it and tell him to F**k off. If you have to be miserable before you are happy, DO IT!! he has NO FEELINGS...he has the gift of gab and NOTHING more!!!

OMG..WALK AWAY and never look back! he sucks!!


aaaggghhh 9 years ago

hey girls...sorry I haven't been on here for a few weeks. i see there have been a lot of good posts. Here's my update: We went our vacation together. We had a very enjoyable time together but I have concluded that, yes, I do love him, but NO I am not IN LOVE with him. We have a good time together and we have a lot in common but that's about it. I still haven't found all of the strength to walk away as we have seen each other a few times since returning from vacation but I can see our relatinship together changing in the near future. These last few times we have seen each other have been different. last night's dinner conversation consisted of a truthful conversation. I don't believe that he has lied in the past but just ommitted certain truths and I have not been completely forward with my feeling because i was scared of his answers. last night was different. We talked about how he does have sentiment for his wife. How he has a guilty conscious and sometimes he wonders why he is doing what he is doing with me. He does love me, I have no doubt but he loves his wife too...maybe more. He wonders what he plans on getting out of our relationship. I too, asked my much hesitted questions. Why he is doing this? Why he thinks he loves me? etc.... I told him that i wonder the same things...why am i doing this...i don't wantt o be 30 and stuck single because I wasted my 20's with him. We talked...really talked...no bullshit...I hink we are both coming to a lot of harsh realizations.....I think that we might be ending this soon but I don't know...we are each others support blankets right now. I geuss only time will tell...I would really like to see this end on good terms though...so MAYBE ....ONE DAY, we will be ablr to have a friendship. Regardless of his faults, he is a good guy. Regardless of my faults, I am a good person. Regardless of his wives faults, I am sure she is a good woman too. I think that everyones posts are wrong (well at least in my case) I thnk we are ALL victims...victims of love and inoptune timing....love is something that can not be controlled


Nonjudgemental 8 years ago

Well- certainly theres a lot of comments about the oldest topic in history. It will always exist unfortunatley due to we as people being just that human- But God forgives and we as women and men need to seek forgivenss and live right according to Gods word. I would not be so quick to call anyone a whore or marriage intruder be it the manor woman. I personally know a man whose been married 26 years and not love his wife- She knows it shes cried and cried and fought and is still fighting to keep him. He has an affair with some other woman and the sad thing about is that HE LOVES the other woman. He is home with his wife because that's his comfort zone and all his hard work. I am not the one involved in the affair- THANK GOD. I am not strong enough for that crap. But this couple are dear friends of mine and my husbands. We tell him that its wrong and he knows it. This man does everything he can to get caught thinking his wife is going to leave him instead of having the courage to say I'M DONE. All you prayer warriors pray for those that lead such a miserable life. In fact we all need prayer NO SIN IS GREATER THAN THE OTHER- SO IF YOU FORNICATE you're still wrong. Women. Pray for God's Strength and wisdom to help you through such situations. Those that are not involved- PRAY THAT YOU MAY NOT FALL PREY TO THE VERY SAME THNG THAT YOU SO QUICKLY CONDEMN AND JUDGE.


aaaggghhh 8 years ago

someone said to me today....if his wife and I were both fallin g from te side of a cliff and he could only choose one to save...who would he save???? Unfortunately, we all know the sad truth...we would probably fall to our deaths. I mean he doesn't want tto hurt her know ( by leaving her) tho it causes us to cry and beg (yet nothing is done about that) Sorry ladies but in that sinerio, we would all be DEAD while our men continurf their happy/not so happy livres with their wives...sad...but true...really...think about it


Sophie 8 years ago

I agree with aaaggghhh... Essentially we are the bit on the side... Deep down, we know we don't mean as much to them as their wives do - they only want a bit of fun to make their life with their wife bearable.. Men can sepearte the two quite easily: wife and children on the one hand and: dirty little secret on the other. My friend was having an affair with a guy and after the affair was over, he said that he was going to continue his marriage and be "happy" because he will have distractions. i.e he could bare the marriage so long as he could have flings with...well with women like us. Whilst we're being hurt, his life is all fine and dandy... He's the only winner in the situation - he gets to have his cake and eat it and if he gets found out, then he'll be in the dog house for a little while..but the majority of wives stay.. even after repeats... so i guess we women need to take some sort of stance?!


Charity 8 years ago

I took a stance and sent emails to the wife and had several conversations with her confirming his lies to me and her! If she stays...then she is as pathetic as he made her out to be. they have NO kids together, but she has two boys headed to college in a couple of years.

At least I did my part and...she knows it has been going on for 2 years +

He's lied incessantly to me AND her, so....while I am hurt, I do feel some sort of gratification. At least he is not LIVING with me and LYING to me while climbing into my bed every night...I can walk away with a little broken heart, but in time it will heal.


LittleGuyNetwork 8 years ago

I don't know how a married man could cheat on his wife for 4 years. I mean, he must have loved her at some point to marry her, right? Although, one of the biggest problems in marriage is that people don't know what they want when they get married to begin with. Based on statistics, it's quite apparent that too many people (both men AND women), don't even take their wedding vows serious.

As far as you being the "mistress"...I (a husband by the way), would just have to ask you this: "If he can't bring himself to leave his wife for you, he can't even commit to YOU (or obviously his wife)...why the hell would you really even want to bother with him???" All of us here leaving you comments are really nobody to be standing over you and judging you...as we all have our faults, too!

I see by the comments that most wives have very strong feelings towards someone that is having a relationship with a married man (although I think that men that get involved with married women...especially when children are involved; well they're just as bad).

But if a man's commitment to his wife is as it should be....with true love, faithfulness, loyalty and honesty; then a wife wouldn't really have to worry about him cheating anyway.

And the way I see it: The husband who is cheating on his wife should be the one that is held more accountable....after all, "HE" is the one who made the commitment to her. Like it or not, a mistress doesn't owe her anything...but the husband sure as hell does.

If that husband is loyal and loving enough, then a mistress may still be a temptation....but one that is certainly overcome WITHOUT HURTING HIS WIFE. IN OTHER WORDS...HE WOULDN'T CHEAT NO MATTER WHAT!

As far as your situation, who knows, maybe his wife has been cheating on him all along, too.

I have yet to see a man/woman cheat on their spouse, leave their spouse for that person and then end up having a good relationship (let alone marriage) with the one they originally cheated with.....IT JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN!!

Regardless of what happens, I certainly do wish you the best of luck and hope you find what you're looking for.


luvnow 8 years ago

charity - do you ever feel jealous now that you choose to leave and she will stay with him and enjoy the good qualities that you feel for with him? It would tear me up inside to know that he is climbing into bed with her everynight even though he is lying - not sure what's worse? living the lies and having him or facing the truth as you did and not have him? I was in a similar situation and the thought of being without him for the good qualities was very painful.


Charity 8 years ago

Well...it took me an entire YEAR to do it. I TOTALLY believed in him (in us) the first year...then, the second year I realized "the affair" was going on too long to be believable and I KNEW he was not only lying to her, but ME!! I stopped feeling the connection because once the LIES are obvious and the bullshit is KNEE DEEP... the feelings tend to dissipate.

Please remind yourself that THEY have issues and we are in love with the person they are CLAIMING to be...not who they REALLY are. You do NOT want to be in the wife's situation...YOU DO NOT!!! The adrenaline rush would be gone in NO time and you would be stuck with a LIAR and a CHEAT! I miss things about him, but I FEEL better all around and believe it or not...I don't feel LONELIER because I am not WAITING for something that WILL NOT COME!


Thankful 8 years ago

I'm so thankful I stumbled upon this site...

I'm 23 years old and since I can remember, I've always been madly attracted to older, married men. I don't know why. I've tried to analyze myself numerous times. - Maybe I'm attracted to unavailable men because I know it's wrong and forbidden and that is exciting to me. And I know I'm attracted to older men because they're more mature (or so they seem) and they're more established in life and that draws me to them.

Just recently I have been seriously crushing on another married man. He has been my boss the past 3 months. We definitely have chemistry. I flirted with him every chance I could when I saw him and I shouldn't have. He liked the attention, of course (what man wouldn't? It's a big boost to his ego!) and I craved the attention from him. I admit - I'm lonely. It's nice to be desired and admired...it's the best feeling. I'm sure other women can relate. Nonetheless, it's wrong. It's wrong for me to seduce him, and it's wrong for him to look and think things he shouldn't.

One day, through the "grapevine" at work, I heard he wasn't "happy" in his marriage and that he was possibly looking for a girlfriend. Once I learned that I went after him even more. And just recently I've been thinking, "If he asked me to, I would."

HOWEVER, after stumbling upon this site and after reading what everyone's shared so openly, I've realized that what I'm doing is wrong, toxic and hurtful on SO MANY levels. I'm selfish and self-mutilating and he's a cheat (and always will be) and not worth it. I'd ruin his life and he'd ruin mine. Nothing positive would come out of it. In the end, both parties would be miserable and I'd still be lonely and have the same cravings I'd had before - love, adoration, commitment, honesty and respect...something that isn't possible to get in an affair. Afterall, the foundation of an affair is built upon lies and empty promises.

Thanks to all of you and your raw testimonies, my mindset has totally changed and already a weight has been lifted off of my chest. I now see the serious damage and consequences an affair can cause. What was really helpful to me was to read the comments posted by the adultresses. - The common thread was that these women, in the end, were lonlier, more unsatisfied and unhappier than before the affair. That was good for me to see. And at the end of the day, HE would still go home to his wife - the liar who vowed before God and witnesses that he'd stick by her "until death do us part."

I deserve a relationship that's good and pure. I deserve to be showed off. I deserve happiness. I deserve a rich, loving future with someone. ...and I can't have any of that in an affair with a married man.

Thank you, Veronica, for your bluntness. We need more people like you to speak up and say it how it REALLY is. Your straight-forwardness is refreshing! And thank you to all of you who have shared your stories. - My wish to you is that you find happiness and fulfillment in all that is good and pure.


aagghhh 8 years ago

I DID IT!!!!!!! I LEFT HIM...after a year...im done!!!! I have even been dating..bad dates but dates with single sucessessful men who dont care if i leave makeup on thier shirrts....what a total sense of relief!!!! HE HAS TRIED TO COME BACK BUT I HAVE BEEN INCREDIBLY STRONG....please continute to pray for my strenght...its hard, bc i love him...but i think i feel better....FREE and STRONG!!!


Charity 8 years ago

Way to go argghhh!!

You know...I don't think you LOVE him...you loved who he CLAIMED to be, not who he ACTUALLY is :)


to arghh 8 years ago

What will you do if he keeps coming back ? if he saus he really will leave his wife?


kelsey 8 years ago

ok im 18 years of age and i start messing with this married man at 16 on top of that we grew up togethere. But now we are togethere he left his wife for me and i stay with him. I sometimes feel like i have evil on my heart when we were creeping it felt so good but now its so different but don't get me wrong am still in love its just i need advice to help me and he is 25. i put up with drama through the beginning we had a fight and she press charges against me


aaggghhh 8 years ago

Charity...your right!!!! That's is what is giving me my strength. At the point and time we were basically living together during thier 9 month seperation...YES, I WAS IN LOVE WITH HIM...I loved him more then I have ever loved any man. But as you said, 6 months of living a lie, I finally realized that my feelings slowly did disepate. I do still love what we had but I was not in love with the new realization of his situation. It wears very old. Honestly, I did not simply left him...I thought about keeping him around. I told him that if he wanted to continue our relationship, I needed the freedom to date other people. He said that he could not bear that. We were unable to come to an agreement and well, decided that it was best off to stop seeing each other. He has showed up at my house expecting me to give in...as I have a few times in the past. But I did not and e left near tears. He has texted me sweet notes in which I replied that I need I do indeed miss him but I need to put myself first bc I do not want to be be 40 years old and his mistress ( I am now 26). Its still not easy but I am hopeing time will subside the feelings...Im sure it will. I think I am truly happy with my descision...still been on nothing but bad dates ... but as I said, I did not get yelled at for accidentally leaving a smudge of makeup on his shirts collar...My friends have also been soooo supportive, going to dinners, theater, shopping, spa days...they have even spent evening at my house just to help keep my mind off of the situation...i could not have done it without them. Girls, I know you love your MM but we love ourselves MORE!!!!!...We all need to be strong and take a stand for what we deserve!!!!!


aaaggghhh 8 years ago

Also, if he came back and said he left his wife for me....it would be tough, very tough BUT I KNOW that would never happen. BUT ...a long far strecthed BUT....i would still probably stay away. From the moment he started cheating on her, I knew this was not a mna that I could trust or more importantly, respect. It just took me awhile to realize that What we had during their seperation COULD NEVER AGAIN EXSIST!!!! I would always think that hes cheating on me and I would not want to live a life of that agony...Intially he was on a pedestal in which I looked up to him and saw him as my equal...he is no longer on that pedestal...with each lie to her (and prob to me) it came crashing down...I am a good person who had made a bad decsion...bad decisions is a characteristic of him....He is far from my equal....so again, I truely do not see myself pursuing a relationship with this man...regardless of his situation


Bo 8 years ago

I don't understand why it is so difficult for mm to leave his wife of 28 years if he truly loves his mistress. are possessions so important ?


hurting wife 8 years ago

I'm new to all of this, never thought it could/would happen to me (classic mistake). After a 33 year relationship (28 married), I discovered my husband was cheating. Our relationship had been hurting since the year 2000. Due to deaths in my husband's immediate family, he had changed tremendously and had basically blocked me out of his life. Then, a couple of years ago, he became physically violent towards me. We were on our way to a party for one of his family members and he asked me if I was cheating on him. I said "no, are you? To which he replied "yes, one of us needs to be honest!" I asked him to stop the car so I could get out (we were on an expressway) & he wouldn't. Once we arrived at our destination, he went into the back of the house and I told a member of his family I was going to the store. I caught the bus home. When he arrived home, he stated I had embarrassed him in front of his family, picked me up off the couch and threw me against the wall. Once I fell on the floor, he fell on my chest with his knees and began choking me because I had embarassed him in front of his family.

I had known for sometime something was wrong but couldn't put my finger on it. He accused me of cheating on him w/my boss. Told me I was fucking him in the hallway at work, etc. (Which is what he probably was doing.) He had gotten a cell phone and promised me that he would add me to his account. I asked him if I could use his cell phone as I have a poor sense of direction and was taking my mother to visit a dying friend. He told me no - that sent bells SCREAMING in my head. Three years later, I got my own cell phone. One weekend he took my cell phone and went through all of the messages. It didn't bother me as I had nothing to hide. I waited a month before going through his cell phone. There were 14 messages on it from his paramour. She, not him, told me about the affair. Even after I confronted him, he denied it for 8 months.

She had phoned him from her cell phone and home phone, I used this information and found out her name and address. I called the operator at his job and asked for her, that's right, she's a co-worker. My best friend also works with him (she knew nothing about the affair.) I had made arrangements to visit her at her job on a vacation day. He somehow found out and arrived late at work. I didn't get the chance to see her (the paramour) as she became frightened and reported to security that I was "threatening her" and my best friend (who is the innocent) was written up for this. My best friend & I have not spoken for over a year. I feel like I have lost everything and he has lost nothing. He still works at the same place, only now the tables have turned, he is "convinced" I am having an affair. I told him that unlike him, I will let him know when it begins. I also let him know that right now, I am unhappy and don't see much prospect of being happy with him anytime in the near future.

I don't know if when you are cheating if you are aware of the agonizing pain, humiliation and anguish it causes the wife. Can you imagine having to go to your primary care physician and tell her you need an AIDS and other STD tests? She's been my doctor for 10 years!

Let me share for a moment what I've gone through. My D-Day (discovery day) was 10/20/06 (Sweetest Day). He never gave me anything as he said this was a "Hallmark day." I have hazel green eyes, 36 - 26 - 40 figure, 5 feet 4 inches tall and once weighed 140 comfortable pounds. 3 months later, I weighed 100. I couldn't sleep, eat or think straight. I cried every night for months. It is not the lovemaking that is so painful, it is the way the wife is treated which hurts SOOOO much. Of course the affair is good. You don't have to live with this person on a daily basis. You are on your best behavior trying to steal him. Just wait, your time will come!

I think about having to catch the bus or walk to go see my mother (she's in a nursing home approx 1 mile away) when he told me I couldn't use the car as he had to work. I think about all the times I had to go grocery shopping on the bus in zero degree weather because once again he had to work (I bring my mom to my house every Sunday for "Sunday dinner." ) I recall all the times he choked me until I nearly passed out because I had come home late. I also visit my mother twice during the week. Did you (Ms. Mistress) not notice the pattern he only called you when I was visiting my elderly mom? Can you for one second imagine how I felt finding out of this out? Does this make the mistresses feel better, knowing how some men treat their wives while the affair is going on?

One of my siblings passed recently to cancer at home on hospice care. I had to call him on the phone and beg him to come and go visit them with me. His question was "for what?" When we got there, he took one look at my sibling and said "they don't look so good!" This was 4 hours before my sibling passed. I later found his cell phone bill and noted that when I called him to come over, he had already been on the phone with you, Ms. Mistress, for 3 hours and didn't find it "appropriate" to be with me when I needed him the most.

Our eldest is getting married soon. I told them sex is wonderful but it is what occurs outside the bed that will eventually have the most lasting impression. I told them to take a look at their future spouse. Is this the person you want holding your hand when I am dead and you are at the cemetery watching my body being lowered into the grave?

My husband requires surgery which will will have him off work for approx. 1 year. We had made the decision to see if this "marriage" could be salvaged. It has been over a year, yet I feel no better. I have decided that as soon as he had healed, I just want out. He can have the house and there's no need for alimony as I am self-sufficient.

I can't shake out of my head his last words about the affair to me "The only thing that woman is guilty of is wanting to love me. I hurt from this every time I think about it. He refuses to discuss his affair with me any longer and complains there is no privacy. I always thought we would have a good marriage as he came from a 2-parent home & I am from a single mother home. I thought he would know more about the making of a family than I. What a joke!

Our adult children also know about the affair. The youngest told him that he was the only male (has 9 blood uncles) who had earned respect as never having cheated. Further, "no matter what was or was not happening between the 2 of you, if you were that unhappy, you should have left. You don't open another door before you close the previous one."

For a while, I dressed "slutty," as I was unsure of my desireability for 1 year. I never showed cleavage or would wear form fitting clothing, per his request. Finding out about the affair sent my self-esteem to the pits of hell. Men of all ages and races would (and always have) tried to start conversations with me. The only thing that went through my mind was are they cheating too.

I now doubt my entire relationship with him. I believe that this isn't the first time he cheated, just the first time he got caught.

This woman knew my husband was married, one of our children even did an internship at their job. Do all mistresses lack principles, morals and/or a religious background. When God created the 10 commandments, he must have known the devastation adultery would cause as he made it #7 (7 is the sign of completion).

I don't believe I love him anymore - not sure if I even like him. I know that as soon as he is well and back on his feet, I am leaving. My problem is he has destroyed my faith in all men. I don't want to ever get married again - the mistress thing - heck no. My life, my world, my home, my prospective on men have all been devastated by this affair.

Also, to set the record straight. Just as you mistress are only hearing one side of the story about us, you don't know what we do to him once we found out about the affair. In my husband's case, when I confronted him, first but he trie


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

hurting wife - my thoughts are with you. Good luck to you in all you do, you deserve to find happiness. Thanks so much for sharing your very articulate and moving story with the other commentors here.


hurting wife 8 years ago

Thanks Veronica. For well over a year, I have been going to different "other woman" websites. Trying to get some understanding as to what kind of person/people these women are that knowingly hurt so many other woman. The theme in all of them appears to be the same. "We're not the one who hurt you, who made a promise to you, etc. Yes, but you are the one who fornicated with my husband and helped him commit adultery. Masturbation is not adultery. You are the Eve's apple in our lives. You knew he was married and yet you distanced yourself by saying you don't know me, etc. You don't know me but you know "of me." Does the golden rule apply to anyone anymore - do unto others as you would have other do unto you!

I am the married version of you. When I made my commitment in my marriage vows in church, I knew it was a 3 person commitment, husband, wife and God. I was serious. I didn't want our children to have to look outside of our home for a positive male role model. If sons marry women like their mothers but emulate their fathers and daughters marry men like their fathers but emulate their moms can you see the domino effect your illicit liasion has caused? It is now a generational thing.

My earlier post cut off. I want to let all mistress know the following. When I first found out about the affair, he tried to choke me. I was walking down the stairs and something (perhaps Tina Turner's spirit) came over me. I walked back into the bedroom, picked up the hammer and started beating the shit out of him everywhere I could. If our youngest wasn't home, I would have been featured on the series "Snapped."

It's not that we don't get them, they LIVE WITH US, we can get them anytime. But as for the mistresses who try to be disrespectful to the wives, be careful. We are emotional human beings by nature. At that point, you have devastated the fundamental principles of our lives. It has nothing to do with being afraid of the husband, but more about being made a fool of by the both of you. Yes, it does take two to tango. But for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction!


Charity 8 years ago

I am very sorry for what you are/have been going through. I told the wife about the affair, too, and gave the MM EVERY opportunity to do it himself, but I knew it had to end and decided, this would do it!! You have to understand that these "husbands" are GOOD LIARS. They convince us that everything is AWFUL at home, they are going to leave, they make promises to us, etc. We are not BAD people. Yes...I had guilt because I KNew he was married, tried to end it MANY times and he kept LURING me back. I finally realized, he is lying to me, too, and I think there are others. I s/w the wife, and I'm sure she will stay. They have NO kids together, but she says she loves him...well...perhaps they deserve each other.

Again..I am very sorry for you, but as a mistress who fell in love with a person that claimed to be a different person than who he actually was, I am not a bad person - I made a BAD decision. I thought the wife had a RIGHT to know the truth because I know how GOOD her husband is at lying and he was making her feel like she was paranoid and crazy - I wanted to assure her that she is NOT crazy.

Good luck.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Hurting Wife -

Thanks for adding the rest of your comment. It is a very valid point.

You said you were checking out "the other woman" websites. One thing I want to make clear is that this is not one of them. If you read my HUB, it was in response to a question I got from a reader that is having an affair. I was very clearly against the affair. My advice to her, which she asked for, was to stop the affair and re-find her self respect. I believe she is guilty, as is the husband. And I beat the shit out of him, for all his lying, disrespect and bullshit. Do not confuse this thread with the other sites you may have visited.

For the record, I have never ever had sex with a married man. I mean other than my own husband of course ;) I grew up in a home where my father had affairs on my mother. It was a horrific way to live. It damaged my ability to trust, and fucked up my ability to have relationships until I met my wonderful husband. Every one of my father's mistresses thought she were the "one" and just had to come to our house to tell my mother. The first few affairs he had were the hardest. Before he died, I'd have to say there were at least two dozen that I know of. Many of them overlapped. At one point he had 5 different girlfriends, all in different cities. My mother was treated like garbage by my father. My father was a selfish man, incapable of loving anyone, but very good at deception. We moved so many times over this. As a kid growing up in that kind of a dishonest disrespectful household, I have developed strong feelings about affairs and I relayed them clearly in my article.

Hurting Wife, I see that many of the comments here are from "the other women". Some of these women are confused, some are hurting, some are inexperienced with life, some have been deceived, and some are beautiful lonely people that are trying to get out of bad situations. I am glad to host the conversations they've had. I wish them all the best, and I am happy for the opportunity to read their comments and learn from them.

For the most part, I approve all comments. The only ones I decline are spam, or the truly hateful or judgmental ones. (Trust me, you don't want to see those. They are awful.) I want all to feel welcome here.

I also want to say it has hurt my feelings how many thumbs down this article got. I know I wrote a good piece, but I guess the subject matter is such that people can't help but lash out. It has hurt my feelings so much that I have stayed out of the conversation on here for the most part, other than when I am asked a direct question, or to try to help people with links. I also stopped writing HUBS because of it and a few aggressive hubbers.

So, to the comment, "where is Veronica", that's where.

I hope you will all continue to communicate here. Listen, express yourselves. Grow.


hurting wife 8 years ago

Veronica,

Please don't abandon this board/hub. This is an emotional topic which naturally gets to the root of one's soul. I didn't mean that this board was dedicated to the mistresses, but it is the only board I felt comfortable joining as it does allow for both sides of the coin (hopefully, respectfully).

I have experienced emotions I can't even name. I will not call anyone a whore, etc. But I just want some of the current and/or future mistresses to know the other side of the story - from the wife. Yes, knowing he had sex with someone else is devastating. But the treatment of the wife during this time frame, at least in my case, is what is holding my soul and growth hostage.

I do have a question, if you have a daughter, is this the type of relationship you want for her? How do you explain it to either (son or daughter) children. Do you want your son to think that it is okay to have an affair (mommy's doing it) and have this distorted view of marriage? Do you daughters just say "a man is just being a man?"

As Veronia said, she grew up in a home where this was prevalent. I know as a kid I was a tomboy. I would climb in trees and just watch the neighborhood adults. I can not tell you how many times I saw next door neighbors cheating, being dropped off on the opposite corners of their homes by their next door neighbors husbands, etc. Children actually do learn what they live. Even if you don't have children, you better believe that what you are doing with this married man is being seen by someone for whom it will impact them for the remainder of their lives!

After seeing this, I didn't have the "wedding" dream as a child growing up. Furthermore, when my husband & I began contemplating a life together, I told him I was not interested in marriage and even offered to just live with him. He assured me that he wasn't like that. He had family members to whom this had happened and seen personally the harm it had caused and would never do this to me.

Yet, here I am hurting, angry, full or rage all entirely directed towards him.

If you are in this type of relationship, get out. Pick up your self-esteem, your foundation that your parents and/or church provided for you. This "affair" is based on lies and secrecy (darkness); allow yourselves to come to the light so your spirits may soar and grow. All living things need sunlight in order to grow. Even plants which are started in darkness and later given light never really reach their full potential. Don't let this happen to you. Don't hurt anyone else!


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Thanks, I won't abandon it. I'm glad you felt it was a place all sides could be heard, that is what I had hoped.


lisaeve 8 years ago

hello- a couple nights ago, i met a married man while out at a bar- i never intended for it to go anywhere, but we ended up sleeping together.  i told him i wouldn't call him because i wanted to respect his situation. he called me a day later- and we both felt a huge chemistry- in just a few hours i was excited and ready to cheat with him somemore- he supposidly had not cheated the 5 years he had been with his wife- can't trust that one- right?anyway- the reason why i am writing is- this was the first time i was unfaithful in someway- and i already began to fantisize- he said he was unhappy in his mariage- and that she was depressed etc.just today, i kept thinking of him, i texted him, and he had decided to stop our situation before further damage- it is a good thing for me to learn this lesson.i don't want to create a situation that will create so much damage and pain- i should be grateful that he pushed me away, as i would have fallen into a bad trap.  it waws helpful to read these posts to make sure i don't do this ever! he just texted me- and although i am a little hurt- i know it is saving me a lot more pain and ba karma.  i hope i can be forgiven in karma- but that i won't attract this situation to myself-it is bad all around- and i am dissipointed in myself for cheating with a married man, even if it was once- once was more than enough- thank you for letting me vent, i feel better- and it helps with the void i had after we texted. thank you- 


siddhinfo profile image

siddhinfo 8 years ago from Goa (India)

Is this real in your life or some film story or article in magazine


lisaeve 8 years ago

this is real in my life


Jon 8 years ago

The biggest problem with the marriage/affair conundrum is the desire to control love.

I love all 3 of my children

I love both of my parents

I even love several of my male friends

Why is it then so unacceptable to love more than one women (ie my wife and 1 or 2 other people)

There is a very strong desire (in women especially) to tie up love with sex, house, money, future, children, emotional fulfilment and spednign the rest of your life together.

Most of the posts her show how not being able to compute loving 2 or more people simultaneously is the route of the anxiety of most of the women who are writing on here. I beleive this is because it is impossible to live in 2 places at the same time, a man can genuinely say to a woman he is havinbg an affair with that he loves her and that he is in love with her..... but his love for his wife and/or children can run deeper still and therefore he may nt eber leave them to be with her.

But this does not mean that hw does not love her, just that he has accepted that his life is compromised and that the stability of his children and wife is more important than his desire to be with another woman while fighting his own feelings of guilt and betrayal towards his family.

For those of us who are lucky enough to have truly fallen in love more than once, you know that love is uncontrollable, that it is not about nest building and social justificaion through marriage. Love in it's truest form is just about feeling and it is the greatest gift that life can bring us, whatever our social circumstances.

In all the discussions of long term happiness on here lease do not lose sight of the brilliant gift of true romatic love as well as the gift that comes from a long and committed marriage


Jon 8 years ago

I just wanted to add to my comments above that married men who have affairs with women and tell them that they will leave their wife when they have no intention of doing so. Or who don't even tell the woman that they are married

ARE LIEING BASTARDS


Nice Guy 8 years ago

This is truly a great article. I especially liked how it focused in on the real problem, which is the lying. If a guy isn't happy, he should grow some balls and be honest about it and leave. And there is no shame in someone's not being monogamous, or not wanting to be with just one person. The shame is in the deceit and the lying. Those guys are guilty of a lot more than infidelity. They are manipulators and cowards.

The guy may have every reason in the world to not want to be with his wife anymore. If she rejcts him, or whatever, he may be totally justified to not want to be with her. But trying to make it sound like it was her fault that he decided to lie and cheat and sneak around is just bullshit. It's cowardice. Be a man and do the hard thing and end the relationship with some dignity and respect. Be an example to your kids. If you divorce your wife you aren't walking out on your kids, you can still be a wonderful father. Staying in a bad marriage and justifying your affair that way is just pathetic. Your kids are not going to benefit from you claiming you stayed in the marriage for them, made everyone miserable, and had affairs. No kid in that situation grows up and says "thank god my father didn't divorce my mother, but instead decided to stay and make her look like an asshole by having affairs. he taught me how to live a lie. isn't that great?"


Sandy 8 years ago

Mmmmm Nice Guy, you are my kinda guy!! Where were you when I wanted to get married ?? ;)


Jon 8 years ago


Julz 8 years ago

Reading this has really brought some light to what i'm going through.I'm too with a married guy who is 37.i'm sixteen years old.I'm around this guy all the time because of school.I have read all the comments about being the whore homewrecker and all that but sometimes its not always the "side chicks" fault.I have talk to this guy about where his marriage is going i have asked him if he wanted to reconcile with his wife and i told him that i would totally support whatever he chooses to do.Him and I recently went out for the first time and we ended up kissing.though is wasnt long or anything a part of me felt like i was doing something wrong.He actually didnt want to move that fast but i couldnt resist just having at least one kiss.there is so much risk we are taking and he realizes it.at times he says he doesnt deserve me that i deserve so much more than he can give.This guy is very intelligent and i want the best for both of us but ignoring me feelings for him wont make things better.he tells me he tries to avoid me at times and i do the same but running away wont make things better because no matter what we have to be around eachother in school.i do think about his wife all the time and his children.i dont want to ruin my relationship with his kids over this and i just need some advice.


aperd1 profile image

aperd1 8 years ago from Malaysia

Having to be loved and be loved is a not good situation, but if this happen one need to look into thier hearts and find the real thing that they want in live.


Jon 8 years ago

Hi Veronica

I am slightly confused by you, you preach honesty and communication and yet you also chose not to post two, non abusive, comments on here that i put forward recently. If you really belive in honesty and communication then you have to accept everyone's honesty.

My main point was to disagree with Nice Guy.

In a non abusive relationship I think it takes more balls to stay with your children and wife/hausband, even if you are not happy and even if you are having an affair some of the time. Than it does to follow your own current desires and leave your family for your other woman/man.

It takes balls just to dig in and take it like a grown up, all of the complications, all of the compromises, for the good of your children. As history has proved time and time again, once you have had the first divorce, the second follows much more easily, there is no way I would ever leave my kids or my wife, for a second divorce.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Jon,

I haven't denied any posts of yours. I have one blank one which I thought was just a typo, so I denied it. I posted it for you now so you can see it. (It's 2 weeks ago so scroll up) We can' change or alter comments in any way.

If you'd like to try to leave your missing comments again, I will post them.


Jon 8 years ago

Hi Veronica

Ok no problems. I guess that one got lost somewhere in Cyberhell (probably just as well although I can't remember what I said now in any case, so it can't have been that important)

Thanks for clearing this up.


Julia 8 years ago

I am in tears after reading what other people have gone through and realize now more than ever that I need my life back. I havebeen seeing someone who is married for the past 3 years and despite the amount of love I have for him- I see that I am the fool for believing that he would one day be mine. I provided excuses for him...that he just did not have the courage to leave her...that perhaps if I worked harder at making him happy he would realize that he loved me....but now I see this is a direct road to nowhere. Absolutely nowhere.


Charity 8 years ago

I had a VERY difficult time when I sent the wife emails, but...I must tell you, I DO have my life back and if you can SWEAT IT OUT and not let him LURE you back...you will be MUCH, MUCH happier and find that you allow yourself to make more plans and do more things. I am SOO much happier (even 6 weeks later) and realize that my life was more stressful and unhappier WITH the MM.

Good Luck, Julia. You need to walk away and if you think you are too weak to do it yourself (because I could not), I had to do something DRASTIC, i.e., send emails, but...it worked. He is no longer in contact NOR am I!


AudacityOfHope 8 years ago

As I posted before, I fell hard for this charismatic and sweet man who told me he was "getting a divorce". He wore NO ring and flirted with me every day a LOT. When he told me he was getting a divorce I thought he meant it, as in the paperwork was filed. After 3 months of him calling me from a blocked number and NOT EVEN GIVING ME HIS PHONE NUMBER, I finally started to get the picture. I swear I sound stupid don't I ? I told him in the beginning that I didn't like the secret aspect of our relationship. he kept saying he just wanted to wait until the divorce was finalized before being really open about our relationship..bla bla bla. He also said his wife is depressed, she said she no longer loves him, they are not sleeping together....but now I question EVERYthing. Well two days before new year's eve I told him to leave me alone, that I did not want to be his secret and that I wanted a man who is 100% mine and that it is too hard for me to live like this. I tried this twice before but he never stopped calling and we ended up back together both times. Well THIS TIME he actually stopped calling me altogether and I spent New Year's eve crying my eyes out and I am still really depressed. I know what I want out of life ( a healthy, monogamous, long term relationship) it is just the wait that is killing me. I know it would be easy to call him at work and get back together with him. But I know I need to do the hard thing-stay away. ANy men out here reading this, it is cruel and mean to flirt and lie to women. a "Side Chick" doesn't become a side chick because she wants to, but because some married man LIED to her and made her believe she was the _ONE_. Once the side chick finds out she is the side and not the ONE, she is led to believe she could one day BE the one. This is really manipulative and wrong. MARRIED men-Think twice before you flirt, it is really insincere and causes us women lots of PAIN


Charity 8 years ago

It is so interesting how ALL these men say and do the EXACT SAME THINGS!! My MM said, too, that he was filing papers, they were not sleeping together, she was depressed, "you have no clue what it is like"....OMG! Trust me...they are lying to YOU just as much (if not more) than they are lying to the wife. Hard to hear, but it is the TRUTH! They are ALL insecure, cowardice individuals (I certainly cannot call them MEN!) Just be happy that we can DUMP them and someone else has to clean their UNDERWEAR because put yourself in the wife's shoes - glad I am not HER!!


aaagggghhhhhh 8 years ago

Well hello all!!!!!! I had the uncontrollable urge to check up on this website today...Im not quite sure why though. I am still single and it has almost been an entire month without speaking to my MM. I am amazed by my strength...actually embraced by it!!!! Though there are times that I really miss him, I am completly happy with my decision. I have trhown all of our memorablia away. He is no longer the first thing i think about in the morn. I no longer wake up in the middle of te night throuwing up out of pure guilt and fustration. I do not know how i lived a life of that caliber for so long. I am now free and happy!!!!! I geuss I keep comini


aaagggghhhhhh 8 years ago

Well hello all!!!!!! I had the uncontrollable urge to check up on this website today...Im not quite sure why though. I am still single and it has almost been an entire month without speaking to my MM. I am amazed by my strength...actually embraced by it!!!! Though there are times that I really miss him, I am completly happy with my decision. I have trhown all of our memorablia away. He is no longer the first thing i think about in the morn. I no longer wake up in the middle of te night throuwing up out of pure guilt and fustration. I do not know how i lived a life of that caliber for so long. I am now free and happy!!!!! I geuss I keep comining


aagghhhh 8 years ago

ooppsss...got cut off...

I geuss i keep coming to this forum because I know I couldnt have done it without all of your help and feel, almost oligated, to help those with similar situations. I want to thank HURTWIFE for her posts. I always knew what I was doing was hurting someone but never realized just how much (the MM's are great liars) your posts just really gave me te courage to stay away in a moments of weakness...i never meant to hurt anyone, I apologize on behalf of his mistress...Im sure she didnt know exactly what she was doing either, Regardless, I am free of this drama and hope the same to all of you on this site!

PS: I have actually had some GOOD, I mean GREAT dates (with single men) since parting with my MM...life is sweet!!!!! Thank all of you for your incredible support and best of luck to you all...


backgroundcheck 8 years ago

Isabella's comment at the top of the thread sums things up nicely (also applies to men chasing married women!)

Lori


naive- back again.. 8 years ago

To Julz et al...

You know, its so strange.. my situation is like yours.. a man twice our age... but reading your post, i just want to scream... it seems absolutely ridiculuously obvious to me that he's using you and manipulating you because, basically, he can.. and you're a young girl.. Yet just can't apply this myself...

Another comment that was made... "do any of you believe in Jesus" well yes, i do.. And yes, suffering with a conscience. After the first tme that I kissed my MM, at 17 yrs of age, i was racked with sheer guilt... i didnt talk to my mum or dad for a week.. i never understood why i had that reaction... i still dont, but i think it was anger...i was angry with myself yet couldnt stop thinking about him - actually i think it was more annoyance that i wasnt his wife and another woman, who couldnt possibly feel the way i did about him, was bearing his children and spnding his money .... Now, three and a bit years later... i feel no guilt... i enjoy it, i love it and want it...

Please,please please, I need your advice, to get out of this, i stopped praying about it because i felt like such a hypocritical fool... Praying for strength to help get out of an affair... finding it... for a while... then bloody seeing him again and im back at square one... I have done this so many times...

VERONICA- how do i get over this? As much as i read over all your posts...and appreciate what wankers these men are, its just not something that works so easy.....I feel ashamed in some ways that i have to depend on the advice of another person to tell me what i already know..

And by the way, its a fantastic site.. anti or pro affairs... it gives people a chance to talk.. Being a girl from Briatin, its nice to hear the "Yankee" train of thought.

HEEELLLLLLLLPPPPPPP MEEEEEEEE x x x x x


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Naive-

Just do it. New doors can't open until you close this one. Just STOP. Stop calling him, stop taking his calls. Just end it. Seek a therapist if you have to. If he won't back off, tell his wife. End this. You have the power.


A tad jaded 8 years ago

I made the mistake of seeing a married man. We were friends for awhile and I felt sorry for the situation he was in.

He seemed like such a nice guy.               He worked two jobs because she ran up the credit cards, and was very high maintenance. She didn't like the music he liked, or the clothes he wore, etc. It was as if now that he had created the lifestye she wanted, he was no longer good enough for her.

Sexually, he had only been allowed "missionary position", but not even that for several years. She told him she wasn't attracted to him anymore and really didn't care for sex.

After 5 months, he actually told her he wanted a divorce. So, she had his grown sons call him, called his mom and told her, and got all his friends ( and most importantly, their WIVES ) involved. He stupidly told her about me, and she got my boss involved, and called to tell me to stay away from him.

 He was getting stressed. He said he just didn't want to hurt anyone, and didn't know what to do. Either way, someone was going to get hurt.                       Didn't know what to do????? Suddenly, I'm supposed to be in competition with HER? I won't "beg" for anyone, you either love me or you don't.

I thought about this---real hard. I had already lost respect for him, for being able to cheat so easily for 5 months. If he could do this to his high school sweetheart, after 26 years of marriage, what kind of a chance did I have? Who's shoulder would he be crying on about me? So, I broke it off.

As for the wife---yes, she IS pitiful. She only wants him there for the paychecks. She doesn't love him and will always think she could have done better. But if they split up, in order to maintain her lifestyle she might just have to have sex with someone.

Personally, if someone cheated on ME, they can hit the damn road. "She must have 0 self respect to beg a man to stay with her. I don't feel sorry for either one of them. I know I deserve better than this. And, "I" should have had the self respect to not get started with him in the first place. Lesson: LEARNED.


Mtn. Goddess 8 years ago

I'd like to respond to comments made by "Charity." I have been on both sides of the fence, and I would STRONGLY caution anyone to send emails or alert the spouse as to what's been going on. You know that saying that "women are crazy, and men are stupid?" Charity, you were lucky, plain and simple. But anyone who decides to get revenge or be vindictive by emailing or telling the wife is asking for it. You have no idea how someone, especially a spouse that's been cheated on, is going to react.

What goes on between a MM and his wife is their business, not yours, period. You have no right to interfere just to cleanse your wound. If you made a decision to enter an affair, that's your business, and you better be ready to be responsible and accountable for that. No matter what the MM tells your or promises you, it takes two, and you helped create that "reality." Telling the spouse is just asking for trouble, and putting yourself at risk.

There's only three types of business in the universe; yours, someone else's, and God's (or whatever higher faith you believe in.) To think that you know what's best for anyone else is out of your business. Mind your own business and stay out of other's. Be responsible for solving your own problems.


Charlie 8 years ago

I have been seeing a married man on and off now for 2 year..I was in a relationship when we met, for me i needed something more, my relationship was failing and shortly after we met it finished of its own accord nothing to do with the married man . We met at work, we talk regularly and see each other occassionlly. I have not met anyone else since.. and I feel that my feeling for this married man are stopping me, I always compare others to him. He is not unhappy with his marriage, he has recently had his first child and appears to adore them both. He does not want to change his life. But I want a life like his.. I want to be in his wifes shoes, I want him, I want the family life he has with his wife and daughter. I know I am being unrealistic and he will never leave her but we need to break the bond we have - there is some connection. But now two years on I am falling for him, miss him after he leave, leaves me feeling deflated and wanting him. I know I deserve more and should get out of this hald heated relationship but letting go is the hardest part, I cant imaine him not being in my life at all but I am going to have to. I am only 27 he is 28. Any advice welcome.


Charlie's Angel? 8 years ago

Charlie: You've just described to me, the situation that I am in with My MM.. We have an undoubted connection, yet he has the perfect life and obviously adores it and does not want to leave it. With it, comes the nice house, nice car, perfect family image, and the perfect social life. I'm only realising that people like you and I, allow him to have this life, or rather to keep living it happily. We are the little distraction that allows him to still have an ego, although with wife and child.. In the end, men feel entitled maybe to us.. Men will try to get awa with anything they can! I've been in a room with my MM, with his children in the room to our left and the wife to the right.. They chance their luck.. What man would risk this?? He can't be seriously be happy can he? I'm still trying to understand it without over analysing, as women do, but its so hard.

And yes there is a connection, I've come to realise that this connection is just physical - yes, he fancies you, yes, there is an undeniable chemistry, but obviously where this is enough for us and it satisfies us, it's not enough for him..Is it? He's just got his cake an eating it!! When i sa its just physical, its obviousl not for us..but maybe for him? Or maybe its just the kids that keep them there?

Just take it on board and be aware of it.. he's not going to leave his wfe for you, ever.. You don't have his kids, he's settled in his wa. Men are too lazy to start over a fresh life with another woman, and don't like the judgement that comes with it..

Goodluuck...


Julz 8 years ago

This is definetly a good place to come for advice.The married man that i thought loved me ending up saying he wanted work things out with his wife because as he was leaving her for good she said she wanted him back.what was i suppose to do say no ?but anyways its been a couple of weeks since we talked and at times i get the urge to call him but i no i will get hurt.This guy i trusted a teacher of mine took advantage of me.He used me and i was so caught up i didnt notice.


Charity 8 years ago

In response to Mtn Goddess - I held on to an envelope with 5 or 6 emails for QUITE some time. I knew enough about the wife and knew she really would not go "postal", however, I probably should have let sleeping dogs lie.

These MM are selfish and we women who are with them are typically NOT SELFISH ENOUGH. I wanted/needed to do what I did for ME and to get on with my life. True...I went in KNOWING he was married, but I NEVER asked for the promises he made and YES>..I believed them for a while. I still believe there is something, but Charlie's Angel hit the nail on the head. Men DO NOT want to start over fresh - they are content with just about ANY situation. During our relationship my MM and I were discussing HIS MARRIAGE for the umpteenth time and he said something to me that was SOO true and it NEVER left my mind. He said: "Having you allows me to stay happy in my unfortunate situation" Well...how TRUE is that??? I was basically allowing him to be HAPPIER than EVER - why should he leave???? No reason - I finally had to make the move.

The sickness with me....is there is still a "SHRED" of hope that he may be so miserable and leave, but even if he DID do that, why would I want him?? So he can do it to me? Whoever is on the VERGE of an affair with a married men, my advice is summed up in ONE WORD.....RUN!


dont blame us! 8 years ago

I dont understand the stupid women who blame the women for messin up thier supposedly happy families, if it was happy ya man wouldnt be cheating. im sorry but he took those vows to u, not the other women, blame him. I dont owe no other bitch an explanation as to why im messing with their man, ask them. i personally mess with married men because for one i can, and for two i know men aint shit and the sooner nieve women realize that the better off they will be, and for three i have no interest in being in a relationship rite now and as long as i know he got a women the feeling is mutual. men cheat, get over it.


affairand divorced 8 years ago

I haven't read the comments for awhile. This site is a great place to listen and be heard. I left my MM 8 months ago. It's their own job to fix their marriage problems, not our job to keep them happy on the side. Do not waste any time waiting on a partner that is married. Walk away.


Jenifer B. 8 years ago

I've been seeing a married man for almost a year now. From the beginning he told me he was seperated. We both worked at the same place, but he is a contractor and I am a temp worker. Before it started, I was still in a relationship with my boyfriend at the time. Me and the boyfriend were having alot of problems, so about the time me and the MM were somewhat getting serious, I broke it off with the boyfriend and me and the MM started to exclusively see each other. He knew of the problems me and the boyfriend were having before he started seeing me. Well, about 1 month into our relationship he wanted me to live with him. I was practically homeless at the time and living with a friend of mine named Jon, the ex and me were living there for about the last 6 months. Well, we moved in together, same state, same general area note: I took over the lease from an acquantence of his, not the MM, but he did help me pay half the rent. We lived there for about 4 months and then moved to another state, another area, but ended up staying at the Intown Suites for 6 months. About a month after we moved there, we got caught up in some sort of domestic violence bs and it's still pending resolution to this day. But I was occasionally asking him when we were ever going to move out of the hotel into our own place and the answer was always soon, around the holidays, after christmas, etc., and then he'd complain that the relationship go nowhere like that, me being sad, mad, upset all the time. And to make more stress, I found out I was pregnant actually before the domestic violence incident, so now we had two issues to deal with. I was trying to remain patient and understanding, but it was difficult. He finally told me he couldn't get us into a place right now because of his two other kids (support), 10 and 13 and he has too many bills to pay right now, hasn't paid his lawyer in the domestic violence case yet, but said in about a year or two his financial situation should clear up. Well, he told me before I left to go home for the holidays, out of state, he would work on his divorce after Christmas and I would be back with him in about 2 weeks. It never happened. I'm still here and about to have a baby boy in about 2 weeks. One day about a month ago, he just stopped calling me, then a couple of days later, his wife called my family's home. I tried and tried to call the MM and he never picked up, just kept leaving messages. Then couple days ago, I left message and he called me back, asking about the baby, he told me he's stuck between his wife/family and me/baby. I didn't think there was a choice. I thought he was already seperated. His wife told me she didn't care about him no more and that he'd done it to her at least a dozen times before. I told her I was pregnant with her husbands child, also. I don't know what to do...should I break away and just concentrate on me and the baby and the MM just be involved w/ baby and financial support and he try and fix his marriage or should I wait it out and see what happens, what decision he comes to???


JOSEPHDA 8 years ago

MY STORY:This man is 57 years old and has no kids.  His partner didn't want any.  She has a dog, which he has shown to have the most affection for.This man first appoached me with a note (he slipped it to me at work....September 2006), wanting to know if it was possible for us to get to know each other. He wanted to know if I could give him a phone number so we could talk. He wrote his first letter to me before we even starting really talking to each other. He told me that he was ATTRACTED to me from the first time he saw me. Keep in mind, now, his Common-law partner was still living with him and still is. In this letter he told me that he HAS NOT felt SO STRONGLY towards someone in MANY YEARS; that I am the MOST GEORGEOUS PERSON; that he THINKS OF ME OFTEN, and that he looks forward to seeing me IF ONLY BY CHANCE. He made me believe that he was single.  I went out with him once before I found out the truth.  I was suspicious about a few things, so I called him on it; this was just before Christmas of last year.  He was reluctant to tell me, as he said if he did he would never see me again.  In his mind, he believed that his situation would somehow get resolved before he even had to tell me anything.  I listened to what he had to say, and this is how he described everything.According to him, he and his common-law partner were going their separate ways in September of last year....she was getting an apartment in the city....he thought he was safe to approach me....when her mother found out, she said, "If you leave my daughter, I will see you in the poor house." So her daughter stayed put in his home. According to him, they have SEPARATE ROOMS; they DO NOT SLEEP TOGETHER. He still tried to make me believe that it was over, there was no reason why we couldn't go out together. I would not go out in public with him....But over the past year, though, I still spent time with him in the building that we both worked in.  We did get REALLY close (emotionally & physically), but we DID NOT sleep together. Around March of this year, he saw the stress that I was under in regards to the "Situation" he was dealing with and felt it best if we keep a low profile (as too many people were finding out and couldn't risk her finding out, especially where he is SO financially stuck and trying to get out without losing too much) and stay away from each other. He said it was best for me, as I was also under stress in dealing with my family's objections with trying to sneak around and see him.  Just after a week of us both deciding it was for the best, he was waiting for me (he works in the same building; he is NOT a Co-worker) to find out how I was doing as he was concerned about me. He told me that he loves me and to still call him. He also told me to remember what he wrote me in the letters and cards, where he included poems; which he wrote himself. When I was leaving, I said I will talk to you soon. He said, "I Hope So." ADDED INFORMATION:This man that I have been referring to is 56 Years Old. He is married Common-Law and they have NO KIDS. The house is in his name, and the phone is in her name.  According to him, he is Married....technically/sort of. Common-law rules and regulations (in Canada) state that they are Married. When I referred to her as his wife one day, he said, "Why are you calling her that"? To him he saw her as his GIRLFRIEND.I am now 44 Years Old, and I know I should have known better. But as I said, he did a really good job in making me feel beautiful and special. He COULD NOT understand how I wasn't taken over and over again. He was SURPRISED that I was still SINGLE. He told me that his relationship with her was over, and that he really wasn't looking for another relationship; but that he really wanted to get to know me; and that he was ATTRACTED to me from the first time he saw me. According to him, he didn't approach me until he thought it was safe and that she was out of his life. He was SURPRISED that I even bothered with him. He was very sweet, gentle, and romantic.I used to see this man eyeing me for months before he approached me. He waited until he thought he was safe and she was out of his life. But he approached me too prematurely, and thought he could resolve everything with her without having to tell me. But as you can see it didn't work out that way. He even told me that he told her a couple of times that they have to decide on what they are going to do in regards to the house as HE IS GOING. He told me he thought she would be gone by now. He even talked about US LIVING TOGETHER after everything was settled with his partner. On Valentine's Day (2007) we exchanged cards. The next day he told me that he hadn't seen his partner for a couple of days due to her work schedule. He said, "I don't know if she even got a Valentine. It would be nice if someone was sweet on her at work, and she came and told me that she found someone." Everything that I said in my story is what this man has told me. He made me believe that I was the one that he wanted....and the only reason why he was still sharing HIS home with her is due to the FINANCIAL BIND that he is in. He told me that he has to make the mortgage payments as she is not able to do it. Well, anyway, we didn't do a very good job of staying away from each other.  It was only a matter of time before we started talking by phone and in person, and being affectionate with each other....still only in the building that we worked in.  He would mention how frustrating it was to want to spend time with someone....to want to be able to go out to dinner and travel, and not be able to.It got to the point where he even started to become bothered by the fact that I still wanted to bother with him, knowing his situation.  I guess I never felt the need to just not bother with him altogether, and when I brought up to him what he had said, "I said maybe you don't want me to bother with you or talk to you period."  He said, "No, don't do that."  But, see, he knew that us even bothering with each other still meant being affectionate with each other; and even though he didn't have a problem with that; he felt it wasn't fair to me.About a month ago, he told me that she was talking to him about getting back together.  It was actually a month at this point from when she first asked him.  He told me he told her he would think about it.  When I asked him if this is something that he really wants, he said, "I won't know until I do it".  His logic is that he doesn't see anyway around it....nothing has changed over the past year, she didn't leave, she didn't find another man, its not as if he doesn't like her, and they do get along (that is the way you would describe a roommate).  He said he wants to be able to enjoy his retirement, and he knows that by leaving she is entitled to half of everything.  My attitude changed towards him after that and he found the conversation getting too serious and he didn't want to talk about it anymore.I said I had to go, and he said, "I will see you tomorrow", and I said, "Maybe."  He said, "Come on now be good , don't be like that."  He said, again, " I will see you tomorrow", and I said, "Maybe" and I kept on going.  I ran into him the next day and I was very cool to him.  I wasn't in the mood to even speak to him.  When I walked by him, he called me "Stuckup" and said you don't want to speak to me now.  When I kept on going, he said, "you are mad at me, aren't you"....I said, "No", he said it again, "You are mad at me."  He tried to make conversation with me, and although I answered him; I didn't care to be around him too long.There was no contact for over a week when I gave in and called him.  He was so understanding as to why I behaved the way I did.  He could tell that I was hurt. When I asked him why he didn't mention this before, that he would even consider going back to her; he said that he never thought about it. He lived his life, she lived her life, he didn't bring anything up to her, and she didn't bring anything up to him. But he said, "A year had passed, nothing has changed, and he does have to think about it."

We spoke a couple of more times, and whe I asked


JOSEPHDA 8 years ago

Was I a Fool or Could He Have Had Real Feelings For Me?VERONICA:I noticed that my story got cut off, so I am continuing it in this comment: We spoke a couple of more times, and when I asked him if they worked things out, he said for the most part they are back together, but not completely as they are not yet sleeping in the same bed. But with all of that said, he told me that he misses me, thinks about me, and DOES NOT love me any less; and to just remember what he wrote me in the letters. When I told him that it was really over and that we won't be together again, he said, "You never know, the mind is strong but the body is weak."When I told him that I was doing alot of thinking, he told me that I think too much. I told him that I was thinking alot about the past year, and if there was something I should have done differently, like really push him away when I found out the truth. He said, "there was nothing I could have done differenty, he is glad I never pushed him away, and that he has no regrets. I asked him one more time, if this is something that he really wants (being back with her). He said, "What a person wants and what they need to do are two different things." So when I said you are basically settling, he said, "YES". So, you see, he has appeared to have accepted his marital status now, or has resigned himself to accepting his situation. But according to him, he is doing what he needs to do as nothing had changed over the past year, in regards to his home life.Speeding ahead to November 2007:With this man's actions and dialogue over the past few months, I CAN NOT believe I ever wanted this man in my life. Early November, when I ran into him, he was very friendly calling me "Beautiful" and telling me that it has been almost a year since we have been out to dinner. I told him we can't do that, and he said that nothing has changed for him and that he still cares about me. The next day when I saw him I did a foolish thing. Seeing how sweet and friendly he was to me the day before, I decided to give him a handful of pictures of myself from my sisters' weddings. At first he said you know I can't take these home and enjoy them. I said that I knew that, but I thought he would like to keep them in his work locker with the other photos that I had given him a few months' before. I told him that if you don't want them that is fine, but then he said that he did, and I asked him if he was sure, and he said "YES".So we proceeded to have one of our intense conversations. I told him that I knew that things were over and that he made his choice, and he said he didn't have a choice; that nothing emotional was going on there. He then asked me, "Do you want to support me, do you"? That was in reference to his money because if he leaves, he will have to give her half of everything that he has. His money is the most constant thing that he ever talked about. Then I decided to tell him that I moved on. This is where I introduced the "Boyfriend". He said you are seeing someone. I said yes we have been out a few times already, and that I met him at the wedding. He asked me if he was married, his age, and if he worked in the building. I said, "No". He said that he felt jilted, it was like he lost his girlfriend. He said I guess you will be next to get married. He referred to what we had as an "Unfulfilled Relationship". Before I went home, I told him that he has a piece of me with him (meaning the pictures), and he told me that I was in his head and in his heart.About a week later, he came into the call centre where I worked, and before he left he came over to see me; and he said, "at least I had a chance to see you for a few minutes". The last real personal conversation that we had was later in November. He asked me if I was happy with this guy, and I said yes. But during this same conversation, he brought up about us spending time together again (the way we used to on Saturday afternoons when he was working). I told him that would be hard now, and he said you did it before; but I told him that we are no longer on the same page, and that we have reached a dead end. He reluctantly agreed, and said that his feelings for me haven't changed; and that he hoped my feelings hadn't changed for him either. See how he keeps changing his dialogue and actions to suit himself.Speeding ahead, I noticed that he didn't seem to be too interested in having basic conversations with me. We spoke before Christmas, and on New Year's Eve he appeared friendly....playful like. We talked about our plans, and he asked me if I had plans with my "boyfriend", and before I left; he pulled me closer to him and asked me if he would be seeing me in the New Year....I said, "Yes". He said, "Because I need to protect you from the guys who are after you".When he first saw me in the New Year, I started to walk past him, and he said come back here. He wanted to know how things were and what was new. I told him about this certain thing that happened to me in the first week of January, and he was very caring and supportive, and a few conversations after that he was supportive of my situation; but he did appear as though he was uncomfortable talking to me. (not due to my situation, because he said that if only he was there; he would have said something to help me out)I know I shouldn't be bothered by this, but it appears that a couple of times when he has seen me; he would try to avoid me. Don't get me wrong, I don't want him back in the romantic sense, as I know he is no good for me.January 28th (our last conversation), I brought up the fact that when I saw him last, he didn't seem as though he was in a talkative mood, and he said, "Well, I am a Married Man; at least until someone dies" (that didn't make any sense at all....married people can still talk). But I still acted very casual about just talking, the same as I would talk to anyone else. He said, that "it bothers me to talk to you". I said, "it does, does it, why, we are both past each other". He said, "it bothers me to JUST TALK TO YOU". He said, "you are a girl and I am a boy, and nothing like that has changed". Then he had to go back to work. It wasn't an hour later, and he was in the call centre to do a job, and he would look over at me, and give me that big smile of his; and before he left, he asked me if I was busy; I said yes, and that was the last that we had spoken to each other.I know that I am not blameless because I would be hanging around the lobby area on my lunch break, and when I would see him; I would walk past him and start a conversation.I don't want him back in my life, and as a matter of fact, I have been doing my best to avoid him; and hardly going downstairs when I know he is working. Maybe after all this time, he is also going to be going out of his way to make sure that he doesn't run into me either.What do you think he is actually doing? Is he playing mind games with me? Is he trying to teach me a lesson, that where I have basically closed the door on him in the romantic sense; that he has nothing to gain by even talking to me now? I know I shouldn't care, but I always like to get to the bottom of things.What do you especially think about this part:****He said, that "it bothers me to talk to you". I said, "it does, does it, why, we are both past each other". He said, "it bothers me to JUST TALK TO YOU". He said, "you are a girl and I am a boy, and nothing like that has changed".****I am surprised that he hasn't given me back my pictures. Part of me wants to call him and ask for them back. But he will probably think that I am being


JOSEPHDA 8 years ago

Veronica & Everyone:

In Conclusion:

But he will probably think that I am being petty, and blowing his behaviour out of proportion.

It really helps to communicate with people who have been in my shoes and really understands what I am going through. I am dealing with the "BEING OVER STAGE".

This man is 57 years old and has no kids. His partner didn't want any. She has a dog, which he has shown to have the most affection for.This is a man who changes his dialogue and actions to suit himself. It does not benefit him to leave, but he will have me believe that his feelings for me haven't changed. He has told me about his feelings for me on different occasions. But now it is like, where he can't have me, he doesn't even want to talk to me. Both my mother and sister believe that with the way he talks and behaves that he has mental problems. They are so relieved that he is not in a position to be with me, as they believe that he would have ruined my life. They also believe that he really only wanted me for sex, and that if he did get what he wanted (which Thank God he never did....as I wouldn't go out with him or "BE" with him while he was still with her), that he would have dropped me. They also believe that the reason he is behaving this way now is because he didn't get what he wanted from me, and "JUST TALKING" to me is no longer satisfactory.****As far as just being friends with me, he told me last year that he could never see me as "JUST A FRIEND". And when we did the break up thing very early in 2007 (which didn't last very long, as we started spending time together again), and I suggested that we could still get together at the Food Court to talk; he said that he just can't sit across the table from me. Spending time with me also means being able to be affectionate.****I know my story is very long, but I would appreciate any and all opinions!!!


Jay 8 years ago

OK,

Why are all the wives hating on the "other women"? Is is just easier than hating the spouse? The MARRIED ones are the ones doing all the lying to keep the con game going!

They did not live together at the time and he portrayed himself as if he was separated from her..Portrayed..as in quite the actor, he should be nominated for an academy award...I had been to his place may, many times, believe me he lived in another part of the state from her!

My MM pulled the same crap on me, but I feel just it was worse...He BEGGED me to have a baby, so he would "finally do what he needed to do" I took this to mean he was finalizing getting the divorce since they were already separated...

Now my daughter is almost 2 and all I ever get is another song and dance from him. I fell so awful about my daughter, she is such and angel. I hate him so much for doing that to an innocent child.


uncletony1 8 years ago

just found your hub and an printing the comments to try and stop an affair i have been in for 6 years now with a MM.

How do I start to heal when I can't seem to stop it? He has tried numerous times, and I have been supportive and say to him if you need me, just call, and he continues to come back. Do I need to be firm, what happens to me when I no longer do have him around. Please give me a answer if you can with this info. He says his wife wont have sex with him. but he also says he is not gay...yet his affiar is with me, another guy..What a screwed up story huh?

If not me, then who? is my thought . But when i read what everyone says, if he cheats on his wife (of 20 years) he will cheat and lie to me also. I think a therapist is in my future. is it all my self esteem issues?

please give as much helpful advice as you can. I really could use some(hence me printing all comments from this page as of this moment to take and read and try to grasp. thank you all for your time


uncletony1 8 years ago

to julia, i have read your post and feel the same pain and hurt and wonder on how at all i can overcome this point in my life. Mine is 5 1/2 to 6 years and i wonder how my life (now at 44) couldve changed and hope that i can change it soon. Dating , i am comparing the new guy to him, and I have only had sex with one other since my MM, and when i told MM about it, although he seemed to understand and want me to "have my life" we have the knowledge that he will never leave his straight world and "happy" life for me. Does that mean I am his sad life? the more I read the past comments of guest, the more i am realizing that the power of this hub is that i am seeing others and their stories and i jus hope that i get a response from cyberworld as to another , how shall i say, point of view (hence reading the past comments). Maybe i dont need a therapist, i can use all of you as my mentors, when i can compare my straight to gay lover relationship(my MM calls this fling a relationship...probably the lie i must get over the most.) I really must delve into my self and well being and understand that none of you can push, but all of you can offer the advice, as I do to my frinedsa dn acquaintances. It is always easier to respond to someone elses issues than it is to my own...so true for a lot of us possibly huh? thank you al for your time and i look forward to checking back and seeing any/all respondents and to hopefully help anyone I read 's hub and their own personal stories. We are all human afterall, and all of us has plus and minus parts of our lives. thank you again.


whatcrappola 8 years ago

I have been following this hub, and I am just amazed at some of the things that have been said.

A married man can only go as far as a woman will allow.

Sleeping with a married man is a really bad move. Nevermind his excuses, his personal qualities, the sex or circumstances with his wife. It's wrong. He made a committment to be with someone else through good and bad times. Whatever is going on for him in his marriage is none of your business. Anything a single or other woman would have to offer aside from friendship and respect for his primary relationship is simply not needed.

You are a third wheel, helping to destroy something real, making a situation more complicated than what it "may" be, and hurting yourself and others to try and have something you won't pursue honestly--like the woman who invested her time and energy into her marriage, and took the risks to be with who is now her husband. The wife is pitiful, a nag, a bitch (someone said here) that isn't owed anything. You not the one married to her, so you can sleep with her husband, and for some of you, you don't see the wrong, or simply don't care. Whose womb did you come from that you could care so little? That you'd purposely choose to do grimey things because . . . you can. I don't know how many affairs occur that turn bad, meaning a wife goes postal, and the other woman gets physically hurt or stalked. I imagine that would not be fun at all

Why wouldn't the wife feel violated and angry. Come on now, you are sleeping with her husband. It's like stealing, like rape---you are taking something away she's not giving willingly or even knowingly. It might be hard to relate, when you have not been where you and her spouse have put her, or you just too selfish/immature to see beyond what you want. No you aren't the married woman's problem. You are just a woman with a deep seeded problem, like her spouse, and you and her spouse decided that to fill your voids, that you are going to compromise everything and everyone else instead of doing the right thing---the healthy thing.

Men: When is love and friendship in your marriage going to become more important than getting layed by the next "hot chick", or woman who you just "hit it off" with? How much ego stroking and attention does a man need? How much responsibility and accountability does he have for his own choices and actions? The wife did this, she didn't do that, well that's why her husband cheated. The weight of a relationship can't be put on one person's shoulders, and I can't see how a marriage with issues (what marriage doesn't have them), can improve when one of its members isn't "in the marriage" and has a crutch. STOP BEING A CRUTCH. stop telling yourself and him how wonderful he is, when what he is doing to you and his wife is WRONG.

If you don't want to be married, then don't. If you want to get out of an affair with a married man--just get out. Do it however you need to do it, but get out. It isn't worth the heartbreak. The temporary bliss and attention you get out of the arrangement is courtesy of his wife's ignorance, which is why once it's exposed, it goes flat. You are not getting the whole him, or the whole story, probably not even a tenth of what his wife is getting. Life is all about choices. Choose to be a better person. Choose to be respectful of boundaries, and other people's relationships. Choose to get beyond what feels good for the moment. I can't fathom how someone can expect to have and be able to manage a real relationship when they can't or are unwilling to choose well. There are good men out there, and they aren't married and cheating on their wives.


deceived 8 years ago

My ex broke it off with me in the past two weeks. She always said she wanted things to work with us but I kept getting the feeling and signals that she was saying otherwise. Her "friendship" with a married man at work pushed the boundaries and I was always aware of the close relationship forming. Of course she denied that she "loved him" and only loved me and that they would only remain friends as she didn't feel the same way. Her actions and words said things that were completely different.

Anyway, she broke off complete ties with me, I expressed my doubts about their friendship and wanted to make things work but couldn't knowing how close they were. When ties were all cut off I took it pretty hard, wanting to contact her any way possible. I found out that she had started an affair with him, on my birthday, he has 3 kids, one practically a newborn.

Whilst I finally came to terms with her choosing him over me I realised a lot about myself. The relationship I had with her was damaging, I lost respect for myself and became really low. But these circumstances made me realise a lot. The things I loved abot her - values etc were no longer attributed to her character, she has broken up a marriage. She would justify her actions based on what she felt this guy gave to her, she's dependent on someone else's happiness to form her own. It shouldn't be like that.

I haven't engaged in another relationship myself because I didn't want to get into something where I was dependent on another. I wanted to bring my self-esteem back, be happy and engage in a relationship. That is what I'm working on now and I haven't been happier. I want my self-worth and value back and not have my happiness determined by someone else. I know I'm much better off now and happier than she will ever be, because now she has more on her plate. Whilst I love her still, there is no way I'm going to try to be in her life again, it was like a poison. reflecting back all she did was use me to make herself feel better, as she is now doing with this other guy. Karma will come around, I know it.

I don't believe that all women are like this, but I hope I don't get it wrong the next time.


uncletony1 8 years ago

thank you for your words (what a bunchof), i must say that i know and am trying ot find the means inside of myself to stop this cycle, i am grateful to read the others stories, to see that i am not alone, and to continue to open my eyes to this dead end relationship i am in,.


Tonya 8 years ago

I was also in a relationship with a married man for 6 years. This is something that I am not proud of and never will be. When the relationship began he told me that him and his wife were seperating. I believed him because I spent every day with him until 2am and sometimes later. We were together every day of the week. We would go out to clubs, hang out with family and friends. I even meet his brother, cousin, nieces, nephews and best friend. I had no reason to believe he was lying to me. When I would take my kids on vacation he would go with us. Our relationship was so good that we decided to adopt two foster children that I had since they were born. We submitted the paperwork and attended all the classes. In March he proposed to me. My life seemed to be going great until May. I had my 13 year old daughter at the doctors and my cell phone rang. I answered the phone and to my surprise it was my boyfriends wife wanting to know who I was. She found the ring receipt in his car and he had both of our cell phone numbers listed as contact numbers. I began to tell her everything and she informed me that they never separated. I was a little confused considering I spent every day with him. We decided to confront him together. I showed up at their house and he no idea that I was coming there. He was very surprised and tryed to leave. His wife actually tackled him to keep in the house. He tried to deny everything and indicated that I was a physco girl that he worked with and I would not leave him alone. The thing is I had too much proof that he was lying. First of all, she already found the ring receipt. I had cards he had sent me, our cell phones were in his name and there is just so much more that it would take me all day. When I left his house I was devastated and confused. I did not understand why he would hurt me like this. This is a man that told my grandparents that he loved me and we were getting married. What he failed to tell us is that he was lying to me and never left his wife. He keep showing up at my house telling me he loved me and he was sorry. There is not enough words in this world to take away my pain. His wife let everything go and continued on with there marriage but here it is 2 years later and he is still telling me he loves me and wants me back. That will never happen considering I met an awesome man that I have been with for 14 months and I will not do anything to jeopardize our relationship. One thing I do want to say is that us women need to stick together and realize that everything these men tell us about their wife or significant other is not true. I was told so many negative things about his wife but when I met her she was a beautiful, caring, great women. Her husband on the other hand is a lying, cheating dog. She may be able to deal with his actions but I know that I deserve better. There is no man in this world that is worth you be treated this way. If you are in a realtionship with a married man get out now. As you can tell from my story he went as far as proposing and I had no idea he was still with his wife. You are setting yourself up for a lot of heartache and pain. There is some great single men out there (and I found one of them YEAH) give it time and you will find him. JUST DONT SETTLE FOR LESS WHEN YOU DESERVE NOTHING BUT THE BEST!!!


Mystic Rain 8 years ago

I am new to this but I have found this site to be at the most very useful. I myself am involved with a married man, only no one know's about it and I really have no one to talk to about it. I figured if I posted here it would not only be therapeutic but it would also give me a way to vent my feelings and frustrations. I am in no way seeking approval, denial or acceptance. I just want to be me, in every sense of the word. I am not looking for someone to tell me what I am doing is wrong anymore than I want someone to tell me what I am doing is right. I in my life no matter how much I try and justify my behavior, it all comes down to the fact that me, an educated 35 year old married woman with children has fallen for a married man. "I" since I have found this sight has relished in the fact that I know I am not alone and that ultimately maybe I can strike a friendship up wiith someone that none the less has been there and know's exactly what it is that I am feeling.

Here is my story. I met my "MM" in June of 2004 although at the time we were just aquaintances we quickly became friends. We talked in person on several occasions, we chatted and IM'd one another into the wee hours of the morning and we flirted when we were around one another in such a way that if anyone put 2 and 2 together it would have been deemed as inapropriate. For the last few years all we ever did was talk, then I moved away (we still kept in contact) but ultimately a year later I came back.

It wasn't until I came back after a few months of talking before I had the courage to confront him face to face with what I was feeling. In fairness he knew I cared for him as did I know that he cared for me so one night I mustered up the courage drove to his work and proceeded to tell him everything. In a way I felt so much better after I had said what I needed to say, but to my surprise when I told him that I loved him, he looked me in the eyes and said I love you too. Everything to me started out slow, there was a lot of hand holding, kissing and hugging and more so a lot of communication. We to this date have never had sex and in fairness I told him that I was not ready. He has been married for the past 6 years and I have been married for the past 14. He is not happy in his marriage and neither am I. We have talked a lot about the future and he includes me in his future plans. I understandably know that I am the other woman, but in my heart I feel so much for this man, almost as if it is an addiction that I now can't bear the thought of him not being in my life. The truth of the matter is, I want to make a life with him without reservation and without hesitation I love this man.

Now morally I know this is wrong and I know that either way the outcome of my actions can hurt others in some sort of fashion, I however wasn't looking to hurt anyone. I have even told him that I wish I didn't feel what I felt, I have tried to end things and I have done my best to push him away, only he comes back with I love you and I want you in my life. I at this point in time am so confused that I don't know what to do, I miss him when he is not around and I am completely smitten when I am around him. He tells me that he doesn't like to sneak around and that one day we wont have to. I want to believe him, but in the back of my mind it is rather hard. He over the past few months has brought things out of me that either I didn't know existed or that I have somehow blocked. I love him for a variety of reasons and yet I am scared that everything that he is telling me is the truth. I none the less have always told him that I would never ask him to leave, and if he should it will be by his own merit, not by mine.

We have talked about plans for our future, but my job at the hospital and his job as a leo makes our time together rather stressful. I have thoughts of making love to him and somewhere in my heart I have feelings of guilt for even thinking that way. The sneaking around is beginning to take it's toll and lately now that we have personal cell phones that are only known to us we are in constant communication with one another. If we are not with one another, we are online and if were not online we are on the phone and if were not on the phone we are texting one another. Yet again though this is not how I thought I would spend my time at the age of 35.

So I guess in conclusion right now as I know it everything is up in the air, I have no idea from day to day what is going to happen. I struggle with the everyday task of wanting out so no one will be hurt but I also struggle with the fact that I love him and that is the part that hurts. I am open to advice, I am open to discussing this on an adult level. I don't need to be preached at and I certainly don't need to be talked to as if I am a 3 year old child. I know in my heart it is wrong but I also don't know to tell my heart to let go. In any case, I do thank those who have read this and in some form have allowed me to vent.. Until the next post, I will keep updating..


Tonya 8 years ago

Dear Mystic Rain:

I understand fully the situation you are in because at one time I was in the same boat. Everything started off the same way we me and my ex. We loved being together and I felt as he completed me. He made promises of us being together forever and he even took it to the next level by proposing. That all went down hill when 6 years into out relationship I received a phone call from his wife and nothing about his home life was how he told me. He was living two perfect lives he had me and his wife. Everything was great on both ends. It was a situation where the man fell in love with two women and did not want to give either one of them up. There is alot of heartache and pain when you are dealing with this type of situation. To be honest coming from a person that has been there you are better off moving on with your life. Do not allow yourself to get mixed up in this anymore then you have. I know you love him and I am sure he loves you but there is alot more at stake. Both of you are currently married and I am sure you feel obligated to your spouses. If not you would be in the divorce process. If things are not working out at home there is no reason to remain in that relationship. Alot of time you hear that someone is sticking around for the kids and I will tell you that is the worst excuse in the book. I am a single mother of 3 wonderful children. When I kicked my ex-husband out it was the best thing for all of us. You really need to take time to yourself and decide what you really want out of this realtionship. I know you said you were not telling him to leave his wife but one thing to remember is that you cannot stop feelings. If you continue to see and talk to this man feelings are going to get stronger and the situation will get harder. Then you will want more and he may feel that you are fine with the situation how it is because you never made an issue out of it. This may be the ending factor to your realtionship all together. You need to make a decision if you are alright with only being his mistress or do you want more. Then you need to speak to him about your decision and decide together how things are going to work out.


uncletony1 8 years ago

Thanks for your story Tonya.

i have never been told by mm that he would leave his wife, or that his straight life is anything but what he wants. He always tells me that when he leaves me he feels guily, but each time (at least three) that he trys to say he may not be back, he finds a reason to.

I know, being a gay man and that he is a confused man, i know that i must always keep that whole situation in perspective, i have tried and worked on it for the past now almost 6 years and i think i have done a fairly good job. I have told him that the day i find my specail someone, i will end it with him, and i truly believe that i will. sure, being the mistress in this is hard for me, the days i wish he'd stop by, the days he does and i am not really in the mood, but i think that i have kept it real with the help of a serial dating friend of mine that gave me his rules for dating the mm in his life. He told me the rules from the get go , and they apply to his life and , now that i am with the same one for 6 years i find my friends rules help me, i have reassured myself of this, but i like to read the comments and the stories of others on this blog. granted, i have no allusion my mm will ever leave his wife or family, and he knows that i shall always keep his secret, but i thank my friend for the rules of the game and i can only say that i feel, at least i think that i will always be ready for the day that he, or i , call this off. I have never had a problem finding dates in the gay world, and i always swore that i would never date or be with a bi male or a mm, though this mm i am attached do (so to speak) was the person who followed me and i truly was blindsided when he made his move. we were friends, i thought, so i was blinded by his first kiss and romance with me...some 6 years ago. I truly respect all the opinions of the bloggers on this site, and hope to continue to check all of your storys as i get the chance to (at work now) , i can only imagine the pain and confusion of being told that the mm was going to leave the spouse and the lying and deceit that occurs, but i have never had that, i have tried to always keep that open communication...he knows that i know he cant go further, and i know he knows that when i find my special one and only i will give up on the friends with benefits that we are in now. Yes, friends with benefits really is what i am in, it just happens to be a mm... sorry if i am boring you all. But i do thank you all for your time and the space to vent my feelings too..


Sabrina 8 years ago

Oh my god, i must be one of the lucky ones! I had a an affair with a married man for 14 years in which the end result was that he did in fact leave his wife. Don't get me wrong it has been hard but saying that what in life that's worth having comes easy. We have had to work for it. The ex wifething awkward and uses the kids as a weapon but things are getting abit easier. My partner is still trying to deal with the guilt 2 years later so please dont expect to live happier ever after immediately. It takes so long to pick them back up when they are down. You deal with the tears, moods and you constantly have to reassure them that there is light at end of the tunnel and you will be happy in time.

To me the secret to making it worth is not giving up. I never lost belieft that he would come through for me. Yes at times i did feel that it would be easier to walk away than stay and make it work. I was lucky that i found someone who loved me and wanted me for me. I never asked him to leave his family that was soley his decision. I had to let him leave in his own time when he felt ready. I ensured i gave him everything that he didnt get at home, i was lucky that love, affection and understanding came east to me.

I have a 10year old daughter to him and stayed 100% faithful throught all my time with him. we both have well paid jobs and now that i have everything i want i have never been happier. For me i believe all the heartache i went through was worth it.

My advice to you would be to follow your instincts. Don't ever doubt them. If you feel that you are being lied to you probably are. I always felt there was a connection between us which made it easier for me to trust my instincts. Sometimes you do get a happy ending and i am lucky, so very lucky that i did get the man!!!!


Mystic Rain 8 years ago

Dear Tonya,

Thank you so much for responding and thank you more so for your gentle words and encouragement. I know that ultimately I will have to make the decision of letting go and in all honesty I did try about three days ago. I turned the ringer off on my home phone and I set my cell phone to silent and I shut down my computer, needless to say by the time all was said and done I had 26 voice mails, numerous IM's and a email waiting for me, even after I told him that I could not do this anymore.

He told me that he was in love with me and that please, if I would just talk to him. Sadly around 3am I gave in and called him. I am slowly starting to distance myself from him though, I don't talk nearly as much as we had been doing before, when he tells me he loves me and he misses me, without me saying a word I hang up the phone. I in the effort department really am trying. Lately I have resorted to crying myself to sleep, not so much because I miss him more so because I for the life of me don't know how I got myself into such a mess. I am smart enough to know that despite anything I am partial to blame for any hurt or pain I may have caused, I fell in love with a married man, that right there is enough to feel guilty over.

I think for me I am at a point in my life where I feel I deserve more and all the love and care that I feel for him and that he feels for me, can never take away the fact that we both went outside our marriage and sought comfort in the arms of others. I have a long road a head of me this I know, and whatever I decide will be very well thought out. Right now I am taking some time for me and in doing so I hope to learn what started this behavior in the first place. I will continue to update you and from my heart thank you for your kindness. Your words of wisdom have been taken and read with the utmost respect and sincerity. Until the next time ... Thank you ...


Mystic Rain 8 years ago

Dear Uncle Tony,

I think I can pretty much say that you just as everyone else has the right to express your views, your opinions and your frustrations. When I first thought about posting, my reaction was "dear God" what if I get some jilted spouse with an attitude blaming me for what ever it was that drove there significant other to cheat. Then reality set in and I realized "You" know I can only accept responsibility for my actions. I am not the cause of why people cheat nor am I the cause of why a spouse would opt to leave rather than sticking it out and finding some sort of conclusion in this mess. I am me and that is all I can be.

Realistically thinking I am a cheater and I have allowed another man to assume the responsibilities that I once shared with my husband. I have no idea where this chapter in my life will take me and as I told Tonya I have a lot of thinking to do with a long road a head of me. I honestly am not looking forward to it, but I also know that what ever I choose will be what I think is best. I began to post here because I felt a sense of belonging, I have read every post and or blog on here, even the ones where the wives have called us other women some not so nice names. I didn't feel the need to reply to those women simply because "they to have a right to there opinions", just as I or anyone else does. "BUT" I am also no doormat nor am I any one's whipping boy, but as we say in nursing, opinions are like assholes and everyone has them :)

I look forward after work coming home and just reading more so just venting with people that have been there and that are there now. So in retrospect if you feel the need to vent, do so, I will always listen with an open ear if that is what you choose to do. My job is not to past judgment on others, lord knows we all get that from day to day. I hope if nothing else this has helped you in some way, if not least you have made an online friend and you have found a place to vent out all of your frustrations. I to felt alone until Tonya had addressed me. I am truly thankful to her for her kindness. You take care .. Until the next posts....

Sincerely, Mystic Rain


flread45 profile image

flread45 8 years ago from Montana

I think you need too break this off and find an unmarried person.


Medical Alert Calling Systems 8 years ago

Nice hub. Very good advices!


uncletony1 8 years ago

Dear Mystic rain,

thank you for your words. My mm is so unlike any of the posts here, but that is because of multiple things really. The most is that i have no notion nor is or has he ever said he would leave the wife. I actually have seen her and the children and the thought that i am dad's "other life" is really only on my mind.

growing up in the gay world, and seeing that mostly all men are promiscuous either in the straight world or gay, i have resigned for theses past 6years nearly to my weekly/biweekly release of a liason and make no demands on him. there are times that I turn off my phone and leave the lights off "so to speak" so I am not "bothered" by his comign by...unannounced or after trying to call.

He knows he has a lot to loose if I was like that to tell anyone, his life, job, everything would change, but he is such a nice person and i am not a vindictive person and would never do that.

He refers to this as a "relationship" a word that shocks me, and when i tell him i care for him as much as i am allowed to, i hold up my hand as a glass wall and tell him that i know that this is a far as i can ever go. Is it easy? No, but for my own self it is something i have to say to him, and to myself anytime i feel that i am nearing that wall(so to speak) of caring for him.

He has also used the term boyfriend, of which i immediately corrected him and said no...i am your lover..there is a difference. And just a bunch of things like that that have kept this alive so long.

this time of the year, the springtime, is usually more of a family time i have discovered this pattern in this affair. i will not see him for about three weeks or so and then when the weather turns warmer, it is on again for the ten day stretch or seven days, but like clockwork which is sort of comical to me.

his family....what are the thoughts. Well I am like most on the hub that say the children are the most important and the wife is second, and I really wish the best for them all. Do I envy? well I wont lie, I do envy that she has this much, but once a cheat always a cheat and my main issue is (which was my last discussion with MM) that if he cheats with a woman....he cheats on the wife and I want to know for even more protective measures to be implimented. If he cheats with a guy, i have told him, I will be his friend but i also will have to call this off. The gay issue is very important to me. This was the first and only time in my entire life of dating that i ever backed off my morals and saw a "taken" person. And I vowed to myself that this is the only time.

Can i be trusted to be open and honest...well yes I can. Will I find my own prince charming in the future. well yes, i believe i will. There is always another corner to turn and another street t cross in life..that is what makes life so fascinating.

I thank you Mystic, for not judging me or anyone on this site for our views. And i know, I will anger the wives with the comments I leave. But I also know that i am the only one who can make this life work, and if MM is happy as we are all this time(to a degree he can overcome his guilt of the situation) , I am happy that I can help out this friend of mine who suddenly changed my life alomost 6 years agao with a small kiss in my kitchen that i can still feel to this day. If I wasn't in his life, i fear he would do what a lot o bi guys do and thatis unsafe and possible to get caught at places. \

I do trust my instinct, that is why if I believe I am being lied to by him, i tell him immediately and i let him know that I want the truth from him only...and if and when that day comes for the end of the affair.....which it will because i want a lover i can rock on a chair with in our old age...when that end happens he and i will part as friends and , as he put it to me, there will always be a small twinkle in his eyes for me and i for him I told him and we can still move on ...since we had been friends before, and will be friends after...the affair.


uncletony1 8 years ago

sorry to all for the spelling and punctuation of previous comment of mine..I thought I had time to edit (LOL) before it would post


Sandilyn profile image

Sandilyn 8 years ago from Port Orange, FL

Great hub and one that women really need to read.

Women need to realize that men don't leave their wives. it is very rare when they do. They are usually very content in the relationship. They have thier reasons and most of them are sefish ones. Mostly for the thrill of it. Too see what they can get away with. The excitment of another relationship and the secretcy of it.

The women suffer. The wife suffers as she may know and it hurts her deeply to know that he is breaking his vows and wonders if it has to do with something that she has or has not done.

Then there is the woman that the man is having the affair with. She thinks with her heart and not her head. Her heart tells her that the man loves her and beleives what he says. She sees a happy ending but there isn't one for her. He will always go back to his wife and she will be lonely again.

She will feel used and bitter, Wondering about the next relationship and whether to trust or not to trust the next man.


Mystic Rain 8 years ago

Dear Uncle Tony,

Hello .... how are you ? I do hope that this finds you in good spirits and doing well. Thank you for saying such nice things to me, but in fairness it is neither my place nor my job to insult, lay blame, point fingers or bash anyone. I just as you found this "hub" as a place to vent, to communicate and receive and give advice. For me a lot of it has been most beneficial and I myself feel so lucky to have corresponded with people who truly understand and understood what it was that I myself am going through.

Honestly if you think about it, the only people that should really care in the relationship are the two that are involved. Everything else and everyone Else's opinions are basically superficial, and that is not meant to be critical of the situation but if you think about it, as long as you "yourself" know in your heart what the truth is, then that is all that really matters. If there is one thing I have learned through out all of this is I, despite what I have done deserve my happiness as well. I would say that to anyone, regardless of there hidden flaws and there hypocritical views.

When I joined this hub I really didn't know what to expect, my theory was that if someone was brash enough to quickly point out my mistakes then they had damn well better be prepared to take what it was that I was going to say back. I admitted my wrongs and felt so much better after doing so. It really didn't matter to me what others thought, in my eyes, all I can be is me and despite a few mistakes here and there I am genuinely deep down a good person. Sometimes I think a lot of people forget that about themselves. I guess for some it is easier to point fingers rather then step back look deep inside ones self and come to the conclusion that they to are not perfect. Understandably speaking yes for the most part a lot of what is said on here is enough to piss anyone off, but I think in retro spect that is not the intention of most of the people on here. Whether they are seeking advice, wanting forgiveness or if they just come here to vent whether they are the one's having the affair or the spouse of the one that is having an affair, whatever there situation may be, we are all human and everyone needs an outlet...

I commend you for bravery, not only are you a man speaking out about having an affair but you are a gay man trying to find some sort of resolution to your situation. I do hope one day that it is resoluted for your sake. I wish you much happiness in the future and 'yes' you are right, I would like to believe that there is someone out there for everyone, some of us just have to look a little harder and have a little more faith. You will find it and when you do, you will know that it is right.

Some of us on here are truly seeking friendships with others who have been there, whether it is being a confidant to someone or just a simple smile and hello to let them know they are not all alone, in fairness that is all some of us have and need. Last but not least always remember (forgiveness should not come with a debt)... Wishing you all the best and I do hope that some of what I have said has helped you in some way, or at the very most it has opened up a line of communication for others to learn from or speak from... Take care until the next post ..

Sincerely, Mystic Rain


crazylady 8 years ago

I really enjoy reading this Hub Alot of great comments. I myself am a mw and was/am seeing a mm as a casual FBW arrangement. The problem I have is everything is always on his schedule when HE wants to get together. It has caused me nothing but heartache. This hub has helped me to realize I am worth more than that. We worked together for 4 years and we always chatted at work and he would leave me gifts in my desk. One day we went to a concert and i pushed it to the next level. Shortly after we hooked up and did the nasty I never felt better I had 2 men that totally wanted me my husband which I love to death and my FWB. My FWB appears to be a good person, 5 kids, goes to church has good morals. But I guess not if he was such a good person he would not being seeing me.The countless times I saw him on the phone at work before we hooked up. I think he is a player we knows how to block his number everytime he calls and I think he is more out there than I want. I have been trying real hard to forget him but am finding it difficult as we work very close together. First time I tried this friends with benefits and i guess what they say is true and I think it will be the last time. I have sent him a message telling him how I feel. What had started as so wonderful ended up making me feel like crap and undesirable. We have been doing this FWB for almost a year and I need help your comments would be greatly appreciated. Letting go is the hardest part,


CrazyLady 8 years ago

Dear Crazylady,

I just as I would say to anyone else I do hope that this finds you a little more sane and at best that it finds you doing well. I am not sure if you would have wanted to receive a comment from me, but I am going to do so anyway. I understand what it is that you are going through only because I am in the same situation and I to when I started this hub, I was seeking advice on what to do and how to break away. I agree breaking away is sometimes more easier said than done.

The only advice I can give is follow your heart, regardless of the circumstance there are a lot of emotions as well as a lot of risk involved. I to this day have still not found a conclusion to my dilemma and the reason being is because I to am finding it difficult to just walk away. Although I am distancing myself from him, in my heart there is and will always be a part of me that holds a special place for him deep within my own self. Granted it is a love that by many would define as improper and in the eyes of others it would be deemed as forbidden. I on the other hand justify it as he loves me and I love him, even though to many that would seem wrong.

For all rights my "MM" is a wonderful person and although he tells me that his life is so much better with me in it, rightfully so it should be, I mean he has the security at home, all his home cooked meals and let's not forget all the nagging that goes on in a marriage. Then he has me, the one who is patient and calm, the one who is eager to see him and the one that he thinks believes all the bullshit he tells me, in fairness I do actually let him think that. Whatever the reason it is nothing more than an ego boost to him, and to me in fairness my patience is waring thin. He knows this as I have never hidden it from him.

You stated that your "MM" appears to be a good person, in fairness he most likely is. Then you state that he goes to church and that he has good morals, something tells me that you are seeing him for what he really is and right wrong or otherwise, if you feel in your heart that he is a player than you need to go with your instinct. Generally the first instinct that a woman feels most likely is the right one. The one thing I have learned about people that cheat, including myself have somehow and in some way manage and managed to master the art of deception and as long as you, or I or anyone else that is in the same situation continues to play the game, then it will continue to run it's course, but the minute you decide you no longer want to play that is when the late night phone calls start or dropping by unannounced or better yet the tons of emails that basically say the same thing. 'Please just talk to me' we can work this out, I love you and I need you. Hmmm been there and done that.

To say that one can make a clean break from it is an understatement, it is not always that easy nor does it make it hurt any less. If you wrote him an email and told him what it is that you truly feel, if he replied back then you really need to sit back and read what he wrote, even if it means reading it line by line. If he didn't respond and it was a conversation that you had concerning what you wrote, you need to think back and examine exactly what it was that he was saying to you and it will be only then that you can make your judgment and your decision. Ultimately it comes down to you and what it is that you truly want.

If you are seeking advice to break away and let go, I really can't answer that, in a logical sense most people would say just cut off all ties and be done, but again it is not always that easy and what appears to some as easy appears to others as being difficult. I in no way will ever cast judgment on anyone, lord knows I punish myself enough, but if you ever really need to talk, I will be more than happy to give you my email address if you would feel comfortable with that. In any case I do hope some of what I have said has helped, if nothing else you have corresponded with someone who can relate to what it is that you are going through and I wish you all the best of luck with what ever your decision may be .. You take care until the next post ...

Sincerely, Mystic Rain


topstuff profile image

topstuff 8 years ago

Are there any updates available now?


uncletony1 8 years ago

Dear Mystic Rain,

You are, by far, a wonderful and thoughtful source of inspiration and I really do

appreciate your words, not only in reply to my situation, but to the others who have tried to make sense out of their lives.....

thank you


Uncle Tony 8 years ago

Dear Uncle Tony,

Thank you so much for your kind words that you have replied back to me. You sir are very kind and sweet, I just as others am trying to find a means to all this frustration. I would say to you just as I would say to anyone. My demeanor by far does not change, I am me and as (crazy) as that may sound I am more than comfortable within my own self. I do how ever wish happiness for all that are on this hub, despite what I, or anyone else has done or thought, "we all deserve happiness". I honestly believe that with all my heart.

I am truly thankful that I have found some pretty remarkable people on this hub, and you sir are one of them. I would offer to you just as anyone else, if ever anyone needs to vent, cry or just talk, I am here and I am more than happy to give my email address if you or anyone else should ever need it, all you have to do is ask. I give much thanks to Veronica who despite anything had started this hub, for me as I have said I have found it to be beneficial and most therapeutic. Until the next post.

Wishing you all the best, you take care.

Sincerely, Mystic Rain


sara_face 8 years ago

i love your HUBS..you are always right on point!! thanks for the good read!


Surfergirl 8 years ago

Hi Veronica,

I have been reading the posts on your hub with overwhelming sadness. I have been on both ends of the scenario; I spent 3 years with a man I loved incredibly deeply and was cheated on. Now, I am in the position of having fallen in love with someone who is not available (not married but in a longterm relationship).

I have read the comments from many women who are filled with anger and hatred towards 'the other woman'. While I am sure there are women out there that are narcissistic and are truly out for themselves without concern for the other people involved, I would like to say that truly, it is not always like that.

The person I became involved with started off as a great friend and I honestly had no idea that he was so seriously involved. By the time he did tell me, I was quite emotionally attached to him. Like many women, I believed that I could sustain a friendship with him without going deeper and without losing part of my spirit. And because he WAS such a good friend, it was easy to keep up the positive cameraderie.

However, things did change and the chemistry between us deepened and evolved. The relationship did become intimate, but not on a regular basis. Before I knew it, I found myself feeling knots of sadness and anxiety in my chest when a few days would pass without my hearing from him. It was at this point that I realized I could not keep up my friendship with him without a lot of danger to my own well-being.

I'm trying to say that I'm not an evil home-wrecker; that I'm a woman who really does care about other people and that I would not have even opened the door to friendship had I known this might happen. I am an honest and loving person who hates being in the shoes I'm in and just yesterday, made the move to tell him I couldn't keep up this relationship without knowing that at some point we could be together with integrity. You may all have guessed the outcome of this already - he said he is not ready to leave his partner. I should seen this coming but when the heart becomes so deeply involved, even the most intelligent and kindest people can become so damn blind.

I am now in the same shoes as I was when I was cheated on - desperately sad, unsure, and crying a river of tears.

I thik it's worth considering that rather than the women hate each other and throwing about names like whore and home-wrecker, we understand that we both end up hurting at the end and nobody ever really wins. Men AND women who cheat have extraordinary power to talk themselves and others into believing what they choose.

Anyway, I'm very sad and certainly wish that I had walked away the moment I found out he wasn't available. Women out there, if anyone reading this is at the very beginning of a relationship like this and you think you can keep it together and not get emotionally involved, please close the door now. The tears really will come, and our self respect is worth SO much more.

Surf


Why oh Why! 8 years ago

Men are so egotistical. Everything they do is in the name of their egotistical self interests. They have affairs to boost their ego, yet they fight to maintain their current family man postition, because it suits them. This benefits them the most: A wife to provide stability, family life, raise the mans children...and the mistress to allow him to have a life of excitement - To make his family life more bearable. They really don't care about the other womans feelings, as much as they try to persuade us that they do, they only care about themselves, they care more about their wife than you, in any case... Some woman are able to have 'Friends with Benefits' without being attached... They too, like men do not care about having a loving caring relationship with another man. Should all women be like this? Self interested? It would make things a lot less painful and complicated. This only applies to a few woman though, who are and always has been completely independant of men and it has been the men who are the needy ones. What is it that makes the majority of woman though unable to stop feelings growing? Is it in our biological make-up??? Its so frustrating that men have this superior abilty to do it.


Mystic Rain 8 years ago

Dear Why oh Why, hello I do hope that this post finds you a little less frustrated, if anything I hope that this finds you doing well. I am answering you only because you said something that caught my attention concerning "women's feelings and our biological make~up". In fairness men are egotistical but many woman are as well. Labeling "the man" don't make it less than demeaning anymore than labeling a woman, whether she be the wife, girlfriend, significant other or the mistress 'but' to answer your question, unfortunately we cannot control who we do or do not fall in love with. No matter how hard we try, despite it all we all have feelings and some of us are able to express them a little more freely than others.

We (as humans) can only control our actions and it is through those actions when we really define what type of person we truly are. Women since the beginning of time have been raised to be natural born nurturers. We have the ability to multi~task without question or with~out reason. We can work a full time job, drop the kids off at school, go to parent/teacher conferences, go to the store, start dinner, get there kids to there soccer game on time, throw in a load of laundry, serve dinner, put the clothes in the dryer, do the dishes and read a bedtime story before "SHE" the woman goes to bed, (only) to wake up the next morning and do it all over again. The man sadly speaking may conquer maybe one or two of those tasks before "He" the man asks for some help if not guidance (hence why many women have to remind them that "NO" white clothes cannot be mixed with the colors despite what type of detergent you use).

I regardless in my opinion refuse to let any man be superior to me, I treat all equally, men and women. I am none the less a very independent woman who does not have to base her life around a man. Honestly speaking, I revolve my life around my children, my family, my friends and my career. I do agree with you though, there are many men out there who give the appearance of being superior and by far they are not, and yes those would be the needy ones and the ones that think the rules don't apply to them. I personally sum it up to a selfish act of discovery. I mean trying to define a man is as arbitrary as me telling someone to wipe before they go to the bathroom. Shitty analogy but yet so true.

I although I am grateful for this hub at times find myself reading these blogs and it truly does bring tears to my eyes, I have read about so many women on this hub that are so identical to me and yet they are not me. It at times is as if I am reading a book about my life my experiences, my hurt, my pain and my frustrations. None the less though we are all human and we all share the same emotions, joy and pain. The truth, men are complicated and just as they said on "steel magnolias" if it weren't for us women they would not know whether to scratch there watch or wind there butt.

I however am neither a hater or a preacher, I just think that most women as well as men are searching for one thing, "love", if you think about it most are either cheating, thinking about it, have already done it or feel that they have found the perfect one. In reality there are those that do have the capability to remain faithful and those are the ones that I truly envy. The security and the feeling that one gets just merely by looking at there partner is enough to make me cry because I know deep down that is an emotion very few get to witness let alone feel. Either way if you think long and hard about it, that is called the evolution of life, and that is what keeps the world going around.

If everyone on this hub were to make a pact and say, I will not cheat, I will remain faithful, I wont succumb to an affair and when I take my vows I will truly mean it with all my heart. I will be a better wife, I will be a better husband etc, regardless nothing in fairness will change, "WHY" because no matter what, there will always be infidelity just as there will always be monogamy. Realistically when we came into this world and as we were growing up and we ventured out into the world as adults and began experiencing relationships, women nor men came with instruction books if they had I think life as you put it would be a lot less complicated. For many though people fail to realize we make our own complications just as we create our own book of life.

I with all sincerity do hope that this has helped in some way or another. If not you then maybe someone else. As always I wish you and others on this hub all the best, In hopes that maybe one day we all will find that inner peace that we so much deserve. Until the next post,

Sincerely, Mystic Rain


Mystic Rain 8 years ago

Addressed to: ALL

For all those who continue to read my posts as well as my advice, I as I have stated before have offered my email address for anyone who may need it. I just as I am on this hub will continue to be cordial, up front, honest and fair. So in fairness I am posting my email address that was created solely for the purpose of communication, advice, venting or just genuinely communicating. It can be used for anyone who would like to utilize it, names and personal information is not needed, nor will I ever use it or ask for it, that is completely optional and up to you (the person speaking). In fairness just like this hub, I think a screen name will do and I with all sincerity offer this to everyone. I will continue to read this hub as well as post here, as I feel as if I belong, there are some great people on this hub and some I look forward to speaking with. Wishing everyone all the best.

Mysticrain11873@yahoo.com

Sincerely, Mystic Rain


Paul Felix 8 years ago

Hey lonely you shouldnt mess around in someone elses yard,But men will promise anything to reach there objective and act really convincing as well.There is a trick to this though one you can try to test his love in a way that seperates you from her,He said he would leave his wife.make him put his money where his mouth is.Tell him since hes gonna do this let you hold on to all his MONEY if he agrees to this the chances are good that he will leave his wife for you but you have to live with yourself then.good luck


Karen 8 years ago

I am a Wife who's Husband is having an affair with. Do you women even understand the hurt you are causing not only us wives but our children? It hurts...we are not the B**** our husbands protray us as. We are the nothers-wives of men that pry on other women's affections. My Husbans is Bipolar w/Boarderline Personality Disorder...would this woman believe me, "No". My Husband has had numerous affairs, last count was over 13,...did this women believe me, "No". How and Why could you women hurt us wives and our children like this? I know my husband...and I also know that he is completely differant w/you women. I don't get the Flowers or the Beautiful Cards...I get the dirty clothes and the verbal abuse. Because of this heartless women I have filed for Divorce after 25 years of marriage and 3 awesome sons. Tell me who looses?...us wives do. Because you, as women, didn't have the heart to say, "Get Lost, ur Married".


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Karen,

Thanks so much for your comment.

V


Karen 8 years ago

Thanks Veronica...Sorry for the mispelled words. Kinda hard to type from the Heart and watch your spelling too, lol.


The last comment that was made.. 8 years ago

Personally I have sat back and watched to see if anyone would post after the last comment, and shockingly no one has, so I beings that I have nothing to hide nor do I have any reason to be hurtful or crude felt that I would.

(Karen) despite anything over-all some of us other women are not all like the woman that your husband was having an affair with, nor (only I can speak for myself) am the one that caused the demise of your marriage. You stated he has done this numerous times, by your own words you stated the count was 13. In fairness stating your comment and more so asking, why don't we understand, I assure you when I did what I did, it was not because I was vindictive anymore than me waking up one day and saying GEE I think I will destroy a marriage today and in the process disrupt a stable environment for children, it was not like that nor will I ever view it that way.

When I started posting on this HUB, I was confused, scared and I feared what I myself felt in my own heart, I at the time had never made love to my "MM" which I think in the long run made it so much more easier for me to walk away, I did however kiss him, met in secret and shared conversations that I at the time should have been having with my own husband. does this make me a monster, "NO" do I have any regrets, "NO" did I knowingly want to disrupt his home life with his kids and family, "NO". I made a promise to myself and the more I followed this HUB it just sort of guided me a long in the search for what I needed to do. I to this day have elected not to be the go to girl after my "MM" had a fight with his wife. I will be honest though, does it still hurt "YES" do I still care "YES" will I go back "NO" and that was a choice I had to make up on my own and stick with it. Does he still call "YES" does he leave messages on my home phone, cell phone, work phone and on the Internet "YES" have I responded "NO".

For whatever reason, why women target us and label us as home wreckers and whores is beyond me. Just as you stated when you said "WE" are not the way our husbands portray us to be, well "WE" some of us are not the way that "YOU" The wives, or any others for that matter portray us to be. At best I have come to learn there are two sides to every story. Common sense wise it takes two to make a marriage and it takes two to destroy it, whether it be from cheating, lying, or alcoholism or just plain physical or verbal abuse or at best a couple who has fallen out of love. Although you are hurting right now that is fully understanable. but to ask don't we understand, in fairness some of us do and then there are others that honestly just don't care. I however am one that does care.

I as I said before am not going to ask for forgiveness at least not from anyone on this HUB, the way I see it that is between GOD, myself and my husband, who by the way knows the truth as "I" have never once felt the need to lie to him. As for you though, if your last count was 13, that tells me there was a lot more going on in your marriage than you just venting because you decided to file for a divorce after 13 affairs.

When you come across others that this has happened to and there only recourse is to say that they stayed in the marriage for the sake of the kids, that is a cop out and at best a lie, in fairness having an affair has nothing to do with the spouses home life nor does it have anything to do with the wellness of the children, these and those are adult problems and it regardless should be handled as such. I had to go back and realize why and what it was that attracted me to my "MM" and although there are still some legitimate reasons as to why I did what I did, it had nothing to do with his home life at all, it had everything to do with mine.

I accepted blame and took the responsibility as I sat up until 4am discussing this with my husband, I admitted my faults just as he did and "NOW" we both as a married couple and as a team are working on our marriage together. It is a slow moving process but none the less we are trying and I look back now and as paperwork for the divorce was being prepared, we came to the conclusion that if this was going to work it was going to take both of us, not just him and not just me.

I guess in fairness what I am trying to say is, whether you view me or anyone else that is having an affair that way that is your choosing not any one Else's. Venting is one thing but labeling all others is another, you asked, do we understand the hurt, "YES" I can say that I do, but in the same context can you understand mine? Through it all, just as you feel you have been lied to, there are many woman out there who have been lied to as well. My advice just don't categorize us all in the same context because just as I, "I" don't know your entire story just as no one knows all of mine... I wish you all the best and I none the less do hope someday that you will find that comfort and peace that you deserve and I sincerely hope that one day you wont hurt as much as what you are hurting now.

Sincerely, Mystic Rain


Karen 8 years ago

Mystic Rain, please reread my comment. I feel you took it out of context. Any woman, either single or married, has no right to destroy someones relationship. Yes, there is 2 sides to every story...but the story wouldn't even have begin if the woman/man had not started the affair. Every person has the right morally to say yes or no. It's the lust-the not knowing-the newness-the excitement of doing something you know isn't right. When Affairs start, neither party is thinking about who this effects....because honestly they don't care. I would give anything if we could go back to the days were, if a woman had an Affair they would have to display the letter "A". Do I sound Angry? I have every right to feel what I feel Mystic Rain. Because I'm the wife of the MM you decided to have an Affair with. I'm the one person you didn't think about when you were kissing-talking-emailing-meeting up with that MM. Now because of this Affair I'm the one who is on welfare while you 2 eat at a nice restaurant and get the-Flowers-Cards-Clothes ect ect ect. Now because of this Affair I see Daily the hurt it has caused my Children. Now because of this Affair I have to cry behind close doors so that my Sons don't see me upset and depressed. All I'm asking is please think before you act. Because what you don't see is the devastation you are causing to other peoples lives. If you don't believe me....then please come to my house and see what you have destroyed. Because your Affair w/my MM caused this. It's us wives that are stuck with the mess you 2 started. Thank You.


take my mind off of you 8 years ago

Dear Karen,

I have completely passed everyone elses comments, post - your comment. I find it really difficult to listen to you say "how can you women do this to me and my children" it makes me feel angry inside. Why do you automatically assume it is the women? Bar the condition that your husband has, (which i am very familiar with) why would someone be out to intentionally harm you or your children.. Really. Think about it? I can whole heartedly say that the majority of women would not follow through with the affair without the pure encourgament of the man.. Ok he will say that the wife doesnt have sex with him and that he is unhappy with you.. The wiser of us will know that that is bull. But the bottom line is... He is doing this, flirting/whatever... because he is not happy. The woman wants to make him happy because she really believes that she is making him happy and that she can in the future. There will be no personal vendetta aginst the wife. It is an honest, genuine belief, most of the time, that the woman having the affiar is the one to make that man happy.

And to all of the women that believe that it is the women who are the bitches/the traitors/the whores...

a) we do not know that your man is married, with child - don't automatically assum, its pitiful. A man without a ring, protesting he's single = single

b) if we know he is not single, we still don't want to harm you. Point being that he wouldn't be looking if he wasn't happy. My dad has never looked at another woman,in 35 yrs.

Basically, it is the man that makes us fall in love with him...


take my mind off of you 8 years ago

Dear Karen,

I have completely passed everyone elses comments, post - your comment. I find it really difficult to listen to you say "how can you women do this to me and my children" it makes me feel angry inside. Why do you automatically assume it is the women? Bar the condition that your husband has, (which i am very familiar with) why would someone be out to intentionally harm you or your children.. Really. Think about it? I can whole heartedly say that the majority of women would not follow through with the affair without the pure encourgament of the man.. Ok he will say that the wife doesnt have sex with him and that he is unhappy with you.. The wiser of us will know that that is bull. But the bottom line is... He is doing this, flirting/whatever... because he is not happy. The woman wants to make him happy because she really believes that she is making him happy and that she can in the future. There will be no personal vendetta aginst the wife. It is an honest, genuine belief, most of the time, that the woman having the affiar is the one to make that man happy.

And to all of the women that believe that it is the women who are the bitches/the traitors/the whores...

a) we do not know that your man is married, with child - don't automatically assum, its pitiful. A man without a ring, protesting he's single = single

b) if we know he is not single, we still don't want to harm you. Point being that he wouldn't be looking if he wasn't happy. My dad has never looked at another woman,in 35 yrs.

Basically, it is the man that makes us fall in love with him...


Karen 8 years ago

Take my mind off you- Your Right....in a way, sorry. But once the "woman" finds out he is married with or without children...END IT!!! The woman that is having the affair with my Husband is still with him. Infact she went w/him out of the State. He has lost our Truck-hasn't paid a dime on his credit cards ect ect. Now that my Husband has lost everything she is now "confused". Yeah Right...try listening to our youngest Son tell people that his Daddy left him and moved out of state. I don't care who started the affair....to me Both are at Fault. It takes 2....not 1. Clothes don't fall off of you. And if a woman is so nieve to falling for the typical excuse...I'm divorce-I'm seperated-my wife doesn't understand me. Then I have some Land in zimabaia that I'm selling real cheap. Their is no excuse to hurting innocent women and children.


Dee 8 years ago

Dear Veronica,

Reading what you said to that woman, gave me a bit of relief. My husband had an on-going affair for about a year, but it supposedly ended a few months ago. At the time we were married for 7 years and 2 kids, together for 9. We were High School sweethearts, he was my first love and still only. I left him for about 5 monts with the kids and came back to him. But, I keep telling myself I am making a big mistake. He tells me he loves me very much and regret everything he did with the other person. But, I feel like everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie. I do love him, but I find myself crying everynight with the mental pictures of them in my head... Lonely, reminds me of the other person my husband had an affair with, she was a real pathetic loser with no self of respect for herself sleeping with a married man. She was also like Lonely calling me pitiful, clingy and dependent, but also added loser on top of that! If we are the pitiful,clingy, dependent one, what does that make you Lonely( it makes you a pitiful, clingy, sel-fish HOMEWRECKER)... Thank you Veronica, I don't think you were at all harsh towards Lonely! Dee


Mystic Rain 8 years ago

Dear Karen,

I fully understand where you are coming from and yes to a certain degree I do understand and can sympathize with your pain, although I am not you, so therefor I cannot say how you truly feel within your own heart.

There are no words for me to express what I have done, although my relationship with my "MM" went no further than just hugging, kissing and holding hands for me that was enough, but I also ended it, not because I hated him and not because I felt sorry for his wife, in fairness we never talked about our spouses, there was no need to, I (myself) ended it because when it came down to it, "I" was no more happier with him than I was with my husband, and when I realized what it was and what I needed and wanted, I missed my best friend, I missed my husband.

I in no way can apologize for what your estranged husband has done anymore than I can apologize for what the woman he is with has done. Do I feel bad for you, "YES" to a certain degree I do you got the short end of the stick and that is painfully obvious but regardless of what happened in your situation was not caused by me and for that in fairness you need to take it up with your ex. Case and point why I said I was not the whipping boy for all those who feel the need to resort to name calling, threats or anything else for that matter just because a spouse has elected to leave.

The reason why I said there are always two sides to every story is because in all honesty there is. I was in no way doubting you nor was I in any way mocking you. I do not take light of the situation that you are in nor do I take light of what my situation is. It was as you put it not my intention to take what you said out of context, I was just merely pointing out that not all of us women out there are the same. In retrospect I am not a cold heartless bitch nor would I ever categorize myself as such, I will however apologize if for anything that I said upset you or offended you in any way, that was not now or would it ever be my intention.

I meant what I said when I wished you the best, I would say that to anyone but the pain that you are feeling and the anger you feel is being directed at me and it is being done without cause and without reason, I am not the cause of the breakdown of your marriage although I do understand where your anger is coming from and I can only try and understand why you are so angry. I am just a woman who before it went to far got out and by doing so I was able to stand back and look from the outside in rather than looking from the inside out, it was then that I saw things a little more clearly and it wasn't long after when I realized where my heart was.

Admittance is a mother F***er and most don't like to admit there wrongs, well I am not like all other women, I have admitted my wrongs. I to have feelings and just as you this to for me is a sensitive subject. I pity any man who (chooses) whether to stay in the marriage or opts to get out neglects his responsibilities as far as children and support go, in my opinion that is cowardly and that is not a man. Watching a woman go from being a soccer mom to a welfare mom is not fair nor is it right, so with that I fully understand. To say that I can come by the house and see for myself what I have caused, I have caused nothing to you, in fairness why on earth would you even think to say that to me, you however might want to say that to your ex or his mistress. Your anger, frustration, hurt and tears are all justified "You are human" just as I and everyone else on this hub and as I have stated before everyone is entitled to there opinions, just as you and just as me have equally expressed our opinions.

I when I addressed you was trying to be as fragile as I could with the type of verbiage I was using but blaming me or any other woman who has had an affair or who was on the verge of having an affair (which is what mine was) that is not right either. You have the right to be angry, but in fairness be angry at the source not at the women you think did this to you. I assure you when an affair gets started it is not as if there is an application process you go through and sadly a lot of women fall for the lies and bullshit they feed us, I know because I at one time gobbled it up only I was able to get away before I let it go any further and seriously I was not looking forward to putting on the knee high boots so that I could walk around in all the shit he was feeding me.

Men are great liars just as women are depending on what it is that they want, they play the game of house and when emotions come into play things change and it is then that it becomes one big bullshit party. To want to go back and label women with the letter A that is a tad bit harsh only in the sense, that a lot of women out there did not or do not know some of the men were or are married and those that did know, I do agree somewhat with you but that is mainly for there own self gratification and selfishness, but just as you said it takes two to start an affair, well that is the same thing for the demise of a marriage it takes two to break it down.

I did go back and re-read what it was that you wrote just as I am sure you re-read what I wrote. Interpretation, regardless of what is being said people naturally will interpret things as they want to and as they see fit. I in my heart feel better now that I am out of the situation I was in but it also took a lot of reading and guidance from this HUB that helped me, I can only hope one day that you to can say that it helped you.

Sincerely, Mystic Rain


Karen 8 years ago

Mystic Rain, Thank you for your statement. I do understand...what I don't understand is when women continue the affair after they have found out that this MM has lied to them. Help me understand this, plz. Yes, I do hurt all the time. I can't funtion-I can't sleep and right now I'm crying, as I write you, like an over grown baby. I'm so tired of hurting. Mystic Rain as much as you would like to believe...I DID NOTHING WRONG. I have done nothing in the 25 years we have been together but bend over backwards in this marriage. I didn't deserve this...I didn't. July 3rd will be our 23 Anniversary, and i'm already dreading it. Our taxes on the house are dued and I don't have the $1200.00 to pay it. Me and the Boys are on Food Stamps and I'm on SSD...which by the way isn't much. It's been over 2 months since my Husband has given us a dime. Supposedly the Divorce Papers were being sent out last week. By the way i'm having to go through Legal Aid for this Divorce, which scares me because he refuses to file and I didn't have the money to pay a Divorce Attorney. I think i'll finish my crying. I just want the women out there that are having an affair w/a MM or even thinking about it....to STOP and THINK, please. You have no idea the pain-hurt your causing innocent people.


I'd rather be single 8 years ago

It seems that a lot of what the "other women" are saying is that their married man isn't like "all the others." Of course they are. They're MARRIED. I know that men who want to cheat on their wives will lie to the women they're pursuing, but if you pay enough attention, married men act married. There is always something about them that doesn't seem "quite right." I find that the "other women" are probably making excuses because they like the attention.

I have been pursued by married men. If a man cannot, or will not, be open with me about his life and friends, he's hiding something. No matter how "sweet," or "gentle" or "loving" they may be, they're hiding something and he's lieing. I have let them go.

I'd rather be single that strung along and "hope" that a married man would leave his wife for me. I deserve a straight up honest man. And I have one.

I'm in a committed relationship right now. But before we committed to each other, I told him flat out that if he wanted to fuck around he was more than welcomed to. Just don't come back to me, because I WILL find out, and HE will be the one to blame, not the other woman. Place the responsibility on the person who should own it. He also said the same thing back to me. We have both been burned by cheating partners. And I think that due to our past, our honesty with each other, and the fact that we work on our relationship is why he knows I won't cheat, and I know he won't cheat.

And I'm dead serious about leaving him if I find out. I won't lie and I won't say it won't hurt. Of course it will hurt. Of course there will be a lot of pain. But what I have learned from the last relationship on how to end it is to cut off ALL CONTACT. Period. And then move on. Do what I needed to do to heal my own hurt and pain - therapy, friends, hobbies. I've done it before and I'll do it again.


Mystic Rain 8 years ago

Dear Karen,

I truly apologize for the hurt that you are feeling, more so for the tears that you have cried during this unfortunate turn of events in your life. I honestly wish I could tell you why women as well as men do some of the things they do, but in fairness I learned along time ago in Psychology class to never ask "WHY" because you will never get the answer that you would like to hear.

I think for me and why I did what I did was because at the time my husband and I somehow and somewhere lost all communication with one another, my best friend became my confidant and in turn I did begin to have feelings for him. Then one day after reading this HUB reality set in, and what I needed and what I wanted most was my best friend/my husband back, so for lack of better words, I cut off all ties and elected to walk away. I then became focused on what was important to me, which was my family.

I am not perfect nor will I ever claim to be, and as honestly as I am sitting here, I am in tears not because of what I have done but because of the pain and hurt you feel within your own heart. I wish I could tell you why, but I can't and as I sit and write a part of me wishes that I could take your hurt away because what you have wrote truly did effect me. I growing up was witness to numerous affairs that my father had on my mother and after 18 years my mother opted to leave, honestly I was happier for her because although she was hurting over time she seemed so much more happier. I was 17 when they divorced and when I look back it seems like it was yesterday. My father would come to drop off child support and ultimately he would start a fight and then leave, it was that time my mother had to ask help from the state, so with that I do understand.

Subsequently, my father told me that if I was going to have a relationship with my mother then he would not have one with me, well I am 35 now and I have a 15 year old and a 12 year old who he has never seen or met, his last words to me were "I was dead to him" it to this day still hurts only because as a child I could not for the life of me figure out what I could have done that was so bad for him (my own father) to hate me as much as he does. I struggle with it but I also know in my heart if nothing else it made me a stronger parent.

I went into nursing to help others, that is my job and I handle it with the utmost grace and sincerity, I hurt when others hurt and I cry just as much as anyone else, then I found myself losing sight of who I was and what my purpose was, I in no way wanted to be the blame for breaking up a marriage and as difficult as it is for me to say this, I still care but for me it wasn't worth losing what I would have lost in the end. I pride myself on being open and honest I can't apologize for all the women out there but I can accept responsibility for what I have done and move on.

I am sorry that he (your husband) has left you in such a position to resort to what you have had to and I can only hope and pray that in time it does get better for you and your kids. You will be in my thoughts and prayers on July 3rd as I know it will be a trying day for you. As you go through the legal process I can only hope that "he" your husband will wake up one day and see and realize what he stands to lose. Forgiveness for some is a hard pill to swallow the pride alone will eat you up, but karma essentially what comes around goes around and in the end I have no doubt that you will be a stronger woman for having dealt with all you have been handed to deal with, I agree though a lot of people out there don't deserve this, and that includes you as well. I now that I have finished writing this do hope that it finds you well and I again can only pray that the hurt you feel now will not be the hurt you will feel in the days, months and years to come. In time I truly wish you nothing but happiness...

Sincerely, Mystic Rain


Karen 8 years ago

Mystic Rain...."Thank You"!!!!!


Mystic Rain 8 years ago

Dear Karen,

You are most welcome !!!!


Been there 8 years ago

The married person having an affair is generally a sociopath who cares for no one other than themselves. A few can't help themselves and a few could care less. It's like everyone said to me in the beginning...run...run now...and do not look back...you will be hurt...you are hurting others by what you're doing...the only one not hurt is the person who instigated it in the first place, because they care about no one other than their own narcisstic selves.... I feel the most sorry for their spouses. For them I believe they will get caught sooner or later and if not, what goes around comes around and they will end up miserable. This is an excellent topic here and I hope more will write. I am trying to run myself right now.

I keep getting sucked back in like the idot I am and feel like the craziest person on the planet. I can't think straight anymore and was messed up by a person in power who ruined my soul. I feel as though I will have no feelings for anyone ever again. I can't trust anyone at all. I can't trust myself either so how can I trust anyone...good luck to all here and if I could give you hugs and tell you it too will pass maybe that would help.


Spectrum 8 years ago

After the honeymoon period is over some men start to look eleswhere to rekindle that "honeymoon" feeling. Different conversations a smell of different perfume and a new sexual partner who may be a bit more adventurous than their current wife. They can be flattering and charming but are well versed in lies and deceipt so before you are taken in heed the words of the prophet-"Every man loves two women,the one is the creation of his imagination and the other has yet to be born" If deceipt is in his make up you will only be good enough until another tempting situation appears on the horizion and then you become another casualty of his ego The question that Carter asks Edward in the film the "Bucket Life" is a good question to ask yourself if you are engaged in an relationship with a married man- "Have you found joy in your life"-and-"Have you brought joy to others in your life" on the evidence of previous posts most probably the answer will be a double "no". Think about it.


Spectrum 8 years ago

Correction to above post. The film is "The Bucket List" .


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Spectrum,

Wow, this was really a thought provoking, meaningful comment. The Bucket List quote is fantastic.

" If deceipt is in his make up you will only be good enough until another tempting situation appears "

That line is powerful, it succinctly states one of the things I was trying to express in my HUB. I am going to quote you on that.

Thanks!

Veronica


miss jess 8 years ago

HELLO ALL....... MY NAME IS JESS I JUST CAME ACROSS THIS SIGHT AND IM 19 YEARS OLD AND IM IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN... YOU SEE I WAS VERY YOUNG WHEN I FIRST STARED TO LIKE HIM AND HE WAS IN HIS 40S AND HE IS MARRIED WITH KIDS BUT HE NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT BEING MARRIED .. I FOUND OUT ABOUT 2 YEARS AGO FROM HIS SISTER WHEN I TRYED TO FIND HIS NUMBER TO CALL HIM AFTER HE GOT HURT AND WAS OUT OF WORK FOR AWHILE SO HE JUST LEFT FROM WORK TO THE HOSPITAL AND NEVER CAME BACK TO WORK SO I TRYED TO FIND OUT HIS NUMBER AND CRAP CUZ WE ONLY SAW EACHOTHER WHEN HE WAQS WORKING ... ME AND HIM MADE OUT ALOT AND WROTE LETTERS ECT.. NEVER HAD SEX CUZ I WAS UNDER THE AGE OF 18 AND THIS HAS BEEN AN ON GOING AFFAIR FOR A FEW YEARS.. NOW ITS BEEN 2 YEARS SINCE IVE TALKED TO HIM I HAVE SEEN HIM AROUND LIKE HE CAME INTO MY JOB BUT I RAN AWAY CRYING... I MISS HIM SOOO MUCH THA I CANT MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE I LOOK AT HIS PICS ALL THE TIME AND I THINK OF HOW HE SAID HE WOULD SPEND TIME WITH ME WHEN I TURN 18 .. WELL HERE IM GONNA BE 19 IN 3 WEEKS AND STILL NOTHING.. I DID NOT KNOW HE WAS MARRIED AND IF I HAD KNEW I WOULD HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING WITH HIM!! NOW HE WAS THE FIRST AND ONLY GUY I HAVE LOVED AND HE WAS THE ONLY ONE THAT IVE WANTED AND I TRY SOO MUCH BUT NOTHING SEEMS TO MAKE ME MOVE ON.. MY HEART KEEPS TELLING ME DONT LET GO.. I CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP EVERYNIGHT AND IM JUST A MESS I CANT REALLY TALK TO ANYONE ABOUT THIS AND THE PEOPLE THAT I DO JUST TELL ME TO GET OVER IT  HE WAS JUST USEING U BUT I DO BELIEVE THERE WAS SOMETHING THERE THATS WHY I FIND IT HARD TO LET HIM GO.. AND ALSO LIKE I SAID I WAS AS YOUNG AS 14 AND SO HE WAS LIKE THE ONLY MAN I HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT SEXUALY AND NOW WHEN I THINK OF HIM IN THAT WAY I CRY SO NOW I CANT EVEN MASTURBAT SORRY ABOUT WHAT IM SAYIN BUT I NEED ADVICE ANYWAY WHEN IM DONE I BRAKE DOWN AND CRY CUS I JUST CANT SEEM TO STOP THINKING OF HIM WHEN I DO THAT.. I WOULD DIE FOR THIS MAN I TRUELY LOVE HIM.. IVE TRYED TO GET IN CONTACT WITH HIM BUT NO GO AND WHEN I RUN INTO HIM AROUND TOWN I RUN!! WHY?? I NEED TO KNOW! I REALLY NEED SOME GOOD ADVICE .. HE WAS MY ONLY LOVE AND HE CONFUSES ME SOOO MUCH HE KNOWS HOW I FEEL FOR HIM BUT HE NEVER TOLD ME HOW HE FEELS FOR ME.... I FAKE A SMILE WHEN IM AROUNF FAMILY AND FRIENDS BUT WHEN IM ALONE IN MY BEDROOM ( LIKE RIGHT NOW) IM CRYING IM TIRED OF CRYIN IM TIRED OF HURTIN!!! HELP ME PLEASE!!!!! THANKS


Abby Normal 8 years ago

Hey did anyone see Dr Phil today? LESS THAN 5% of all relationships/marriages that started out as affairs surive.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Yes, I caught that. I don't watch Dr. Phil every day, I was glad I caught this one.

It was really a show about Cougars, but Dr. Phil was talking about simple facts that we know from statistics, and that was one of them.

Thanks for posting it.


To Miss Jess 8 years ago

Miss Jess...

I can say that I completely, 100% undertsand where you are coming from.. I met my married man when I was 15... difference being that I knew he was married. Still, I was 15.. and the first time that I met him, my hormones and everything went into overload.. I started to fantasise about this guy, twice my age., every day, all the time.. There was that undeniable attraction, A few social events later and we began e-mailing... Then babysitting, then texting... then kissing and cuddling... and still to this day... no sex... I'm 21.. It is bizarre why it stays this long... why do they keep it up? We personally will think.. " well its obviously not about the sex, they really like me" Maybe so.. but I think its unlikely... I think they get the kick out of having a teen lusting after them.. Your MM will love it.. As i know mine does... I've played the wiser guy and ignored him.. distracted myself with my degree. And the effect? Well, he wants more more more. This is difficult though, I've only been able to do this because I really have detached myself from him... and I believe that every other woman can.. its about independance... taking yourself out of that frame of mind... Its not impossible... even when you are in love.

Now... I am friends with MM, knowing that he wants me and can't have me empowers me.. Jess, you are the baby.. with your whole life ahead of you.. What does he have? He has three little children who adore him.. You dont need him and you don't need to wreck his family to satisfy yourself.. You are better than that. It hurts, but just remember that you are only his toy. He plays with you for fun ok. To keep him happy in his marriage.. To keep him distracted from the fact that he's attatched for life with a wife and kids.

He's never going to leave you for his wife...no matter how many people you ask or how many blogs you read. And do you really want that. Do you REALLY want to settle for HIM? The man with a kid and wife, at 19??

Since my MM, i have compared every other guy with him.. I mean Every guy.. thats because i was young an naive and he was my God! He was the first person I made out with etc.. and no one, even to this day has compared with him... But thats cuz he's a pro... obviously is going to know what hes doing.. Its not love though, its just natural.. You would have this with your first boyfriend..

Keep in touch, H x


MISS JESS 8 years ago

I DONT KNOW UR NAME BUT THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR COMMENT..

IM TRYING TO LET HIM GO... IVE HAD FAMILY TELL ME HE WAS JUST USEIN ME ETC.. BUT I NEVER LISTENED BUT AFTER FINDING THIS SIGHT AND READING WHAT OTHER PEOPLE ARE GOING THO AND WHAT HAS CAME FROM THIS I NOW FEEL IN MY HEART I WAS JUST HIS TOY........ ALTHO I LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY HEART AND I WILL ALWAYS LOVE HIM IN SOMEWAY BECAUSE HE WAS MY FIRST LOVE AND HE WAS THERE FOR ME ME WHEN NOBODY ELSE WAS.. BUT I KNOW NO ITS TIME TO LET GO ... I WAS YOUNG AND I DID NOT KNOW ANY BETTER I REALLY THOUGHT HE LIKED ME.. I USETO WRITE HIM LETTERS EVERYDAY AND I DID THA ON MY COMPUTER AND I HAVE PICTURES OF HIM AND THE LETTERS SAVED THERES GOTTA BE OVER 200 LETTERS BUT I JUST CANT SEEM TO BRING MYSELF TO DELETE THEM... NOT ONLY THAT AFTER I CALLED HIS SISTER I THOUGHT IT WAS HIS NUMBER HIS SISTER TOLD ME I JUST CALLED MY BROTHER AND HE SAID "OH JESS YEAH SHE IS MY STALKER" AND HE HAS CALLED THE COPS ON ME A FEW TIMES .. ITS LIKE HE ONLY WANTS ME AROUND WHEN HE WANTS ME BUT WHEN I WANNA BE NEAR HIM HE CALLS THE COPS... NOW HE WAS MY MAILMAN SO WE ONLY SEEN EACHOTHER WHEN HE WAS WORKING AND THAT WAS LIKE EVERYDAY AND MY HEART WOULD MELT WHEN I SAW HIM WALKING TO MY HOUSE THIS MAN HAS SEEN MORE OF ME THEN ANY OF MY BOYFRIENDS I TOLD HIM MY MOST DEEPEST DARKEST SECRETS I TRUSTED HIM WITH MY LIFE... FOR LIKE 6 YEARS THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON AND I PRAY THAT HE WILL LOVE ME... BUT NOW I DONT THINK I WANT HIM CUZ I DONT WANT TO BE THE REASON WHY HIS MARRIGE FAILS... HE REALLY DID SOME DAMAGE TO ME HE DONT EVEN HAVE A CLUE ...I TRYED TO STOP IT YEARS AGO BUT I JUST KEEP FALLING FOR HIM MORE.... I WANT TO LET GO IM ONLY 19 YEARS OLD AND I FIND MYSELF CRYING AND JUST WANTING TO SLEEP ALL DAY.... IM A VERY LONLY GIRL I HAVE LIKE 3 FRIENDS ON A GOOD DAY IF THEY ARE NOT DRUNK OR HIGH LOL... I WAS ALWAYS A LONER AND I THOUGHT THAT HEY I FINALLY FOUND SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS ME YA KNOW?? WHEN I MAKE OUT WITH MY BOYFRIEDS I CANT HELP BUT TO FANTASIES OF HIM IM SINGLE AS OF RIGHT NOW .. I HAVE NEVER BEEN IN A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP I HAVE DATED LOTS OF GUYS AND THEY NEVER LASTED MORE THEN 2 MONTHS AND WHEN I FIRST FOUND OUT THAT I WAS IN LOVE IT BLEW ME AWAY.. NO IM CRUSED....... BUT IM SO STUPID THAT IF HE WAS TO BE ALONE WITH ME RIGHT NOW I WOULD FALL INTO HIS TRAPS AGAIN........ IM JUST SOO CONFUSED!!!


epifanny profile image

epifanny 8 years ago from AU

another excellente article Veronica.. and responses.. i had to take my time with this one.. :) brilliant stuff !!.. id like to share my views on this subject.. i feel alot of the time women get involved with married men (and vica versa) is because they either consciously or subconsciously have commitment phobia.. they are afraid to be with ppl who are attainable.. and available.. and this just repeats itself over and over.. i also think one of the biggest reasons men leave their wives (speaking from experience here) is sex.. pure and simple.. lack of or absence of sexual relations are real reasons a man will wave goodbye to his marriage ... i was involved with a much older man and he decided to leave his wife of 18 years because she wouldnt warm up to him.. it was very messy and we soon discovered that it wasnt working out.. lasting a total of 4 years.. we both got involved coz of all the wrong reasons.. but i do not place blame on his wife here.. God knows what she must of been going thru leading up to the split.. i never take only one side of the story.. esp in marriages.. after being together for a while i could see he was very dominant .. and was going thru his midlife crisis.. he treated me like a a lil girl..a possession and sumthing to show off to all his friends for a while.. and i wanted more than what he could give me.. needless to say.. i have woken up..  but the question is have they? thx again Veronica.. :) 


CJStone profile image

CJStone 8 years ago from Whitstable, UK

God Veronica, you really get the comments don't you?


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

No kidding...I hadn't realized how long ago this was actually written until I saw the size of my scrollbar!  Well worth the read though...you really struck a chord with a lot of people on this hub.  Well done!

Besides being hugely popular, your original and subsequent advice was right on target.  A Dear Abby for the 21st century :)

And because of my gender...of course I have my own story to add ;)

I was 21...he was 31, to the day.  I was young...and hearing him say "we were meant to be together...see...we even share the same birthday!" sent my poor gullible heart into a little pitty-pat dance of joy. 

Luckily, I managed to smack my face really hard before the emotional ties became very deep.  I wanted him for only two reasons...which is pretty typical of being in what I call "the selfish twenties"...sex (duh!) and because life was always so exciting with him.  He knew people, knew where to dine, was talented beyond belief and oozed of charisma.  However, when he said he loved me and would leave his wife for me...I snorted and asked him why on earth would I ever settle for a man that cheats on his wife?  Pretty damn cold, yeah?  But he'd earned the title.

To my dismay however, I realized I was a terrible mistress.  Oh...no not THAT...he never complained about the sex.  No...I just didn't quite get the concept of being a homewrecker.  I happened to meet his wife at a social event and....I realized I LIKED her.  I would volunteer to babysit the kids so the two of them would go out...have some fun...you wild crazy kids.  Of course he'd throw me these looks that screamed..."What are you doing to me?!!  I want to be with you....are you nuts?"  And i'd just smile as I shut the front door in his face, giving his wife a smile at her grateful look...

I'd stay over for long weekends...help with the kids, cook meals with the two of them...I even helped to re-design a greenhouse garden for their house!   What a mistress huh?  And the guilt...was...killing...me.  We were by this point into year three of this affair.  And the wife still didn't know.  Oh, she suspected all right...even came to me for advice because I was so close to both of them.  Just lay another few hundred pounds of guilt with that lie...

Eventually she did find out.  And oh...how she hated me.  I didn't blame her one bit and after the best apology I could muster...I slunk off in shame and decided the nicest thing I could do for her would be to leave her be...

Her husband it seems had left both of us...and took off with some tramp from New York.  The hussey! :) 

I knew at the time it was probably the best thing he ever could have done for us...but I couldn't tell his wife that.  She had to figure it out on her own...she had more to deal with because of me. 

After a year, I get a phone call...and it's her.  I'll never forget what she said...

"I was so angry with you...not because of what you did, but because of the lies.  I could never have suspected you...because of all you tried to do for us.  What kind of woman has an affair and does things like that??!!   And now, it's been a year and today I realized that I don't miss him.  But I miss you..."

The only way she could answer her own question regarding "what kind of woman..." was to change my title.  My friend decided that henceforth I would not be known as her husband's mistress....I had been his concubine. 

And that...is my tale.

spryte     


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

CJStone, yeah, I've been lucky and grateful.

Well, Spryte, that tale is a unique one. I almost hope you and the former wife were able to find a way to be friendly again. I'm not surprised at all that he had another mistress.

Thanks for sharing.

XOXO


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

Veronica:

We actually did become good friends. She always received great pleasure out of introducing me to people as her ex-husband's concubine. :)


AWISETALE 8 years ago

Hello everyone here.....I would love to share my story without insults....In 1988 I was a divorced woman of 8 years raising 3 children, my first marriage was abusive so instead of dating I just had male friends, not sex friends, just good male companions that I enjoyed doing things with. One night I met this guy and for the first time I heard words that just melted my heart. You see every time I would go out with friends I would have guys come up and say, "You are the best looking woman in here," that always turned me off, but on this night the guy said, "You remind me of a bird with a broken wing, you've been hurt by someone in your life so have I, I know how you feel", for the first time someone saw my heart and not my looks, I was so excited, wow someone finally saw ME. After 3 months of dating he asked me to marry him, you see I was not the kind of woman who would sleep around so we had not had sex, I believe that is for marriage as you can give anybody anything in this life but your body is a GIFT and it should be a gift for that special man/woman in your life its something you don't share with just anyone....that is my opinion and I don't judge those who feel differently...anyway my soon to be husband believed the same. See he had been married too, prior to me and his first wife cheated on him and the pain was devastating, it nearly destroyed him he said and would never, could never do that to someone. A man of integrity, self respect, self worth, finally a really decent guy....I was so happy....Well we got married, bought property, started our own company and life moved forward.....Oh yeah 1 thing did come up, when we moved I found some letters to him from his first wife that he had hidden and like a snoop I read them, my surprise, she asked why he needed other women during their marriage? Of course I hit on that immediately and he told me he told her that after they were divorced two years he said it to hurt her like she had hurt him, this is coming from a mature 36 year old man, I myself was 31, I thought he was a little old to be playing games so I called the ex wife, she told me that she had suspected that he might have cheated after she did and to clear her own quilt she hounded him until he finally said he had, but she didn't really think he had....so guess what, as a loving wife I let it go....8 months into our marriage, I caught my husband looking a another woman on one of our job sites, my gut immediately went into a knot, the look they shared told a story and I wanted to know the ending...I hit him with questions like no bodies business and he told me how he loved me and would never think of doing anything to jeopardize our marriage, I was just the best thing that ever happened to him...all of a sudden she was off the job site, but I tracked her down, not to be mean but to talk to her woman to woman...if something did happen between her and my husband I just needed to know because it greatly affects my life, she assured me that nothing ever happened they just talked a little during work, but that he loved me and just bragged about me all the time. Of course I believed her, why would she lie to me? Life moved on, kids, job, house, vacations, holidays, things were normal, my husband and I had a good sex life, we communicated well of course we had our arguments about money, kids, work etc....but thats just life. I heard the words "I Love You" all the time. When we would hear about a friend or co worker having an affair we would always talk about how we would never do that to each other, I was secure in my marriage. Two days before my 18 year anniversary I retrieved a cell phone call off of my husbands work phone, I never listened to my husbands cell phone messages or looked at his emails, I never had reason to suspect that I should spy on him, he's my husband I trusted him, but this message opened up a whole new world for me. It was a message from his 9 year girlfriend. My husband and I owned a construction company and he would travel to do projects, I would go and help when I could but I had projects that I ran to so it wasn't always easy for me to get away, I truly believed that we had a very open and honest relationship. He was very good at having a duel life. When I spoke with his girlfriend, she told me about other women before her, one that was 3 years and so on, I was SHOCKED, how could he have done this without me knowing something. Well now I got down to business real fast, I found out that my husband was going to adult book store to masterbate, paying for prostitues, having one night stands when I was out of town, ect....OMG...what a night mare....but here is one thing that really threw me, was his girlfriend lived here, nearby for 3 years than moved away and would fly in about every 3 or 4 months to have sex with him a couple of days and she seriously thought he was being faithful to her, because they were best friends, everytime they had sex he had to use porn and she thought that was alright, he told her we didn't have sex, I was a bitch, he regretted marrying me, all the crap that men will say to get someone to let them be used. She told me that she was not in love with my husband, they were just best friends, I don't believe it, what do you think? She said that during their 9 year relationship NO BODY GOT HURT, well guess again, it hurt me, it hurt 3 kids and than 6 grandkids and she HURT herself, of course she says she got hurt long before it was discovered, but if she wasn't in love with him why did she get hurt? They went to dinner 3 times in that 9 years, they spent only maybe 7 or 8 nights together, he never took her anywhere or bought her anything according to her, why did she stay for so long? They talked Monday thru Friday on the phone for about 20 minutes a day, why would she settle for so little? I truly am not mad at her, I feel sorry for her and all of the other women my husband used. It was his choice to behave in the manner he did, it was his decision to lie to me and about me. Ladies we have to stop blaming each other and start talking to each other, you see if his first wife or the employee, which both turned out to be true would of only told me the truth my life could have been different, I could have made different choices, but I was bound by a committment I made to be faithful and true, I loved my husband and worked very hard building our life together. If only someone would have told me the truth. His girlfriend of 9 years told me she drove by our house 5 or 6 times, I live on 40 acres and its a long private drive, Why didn't she just come to the door and tell me? She told me she went down and talked to his first wife, that her and her best friend use to sit and talk about how funny it would be for my husband to walk in from work and catch them talking to me at my table. Why didn't she? She told me that my husband and her use to fight all the time and she knew he was a liar but she believed the lies about me!!! Anyway ladies, there are men out there that are SEX ADDICTS and they use and abuse women all the time, there were over 50 women in my 18 year marriage. He was so good at his duel life that I didn't know, his mistress didn't know, friends didn't know, its amazing and scarey....Have you heard of SCOTT PETERSON? I believe he is a sex addict....Please Please Please, if your going to break it off with the MM, let his wife know....set her free....don't let her sit one more day not knowing her life, maybe her husband your MM is a sex addict to, I know this is hard to believe but research it on the net, go to www.sexaddict.com and read. Ladies don't let anyone use you, your all beautiful women and daughters of GOD, you all deserve to be loved and you all deserve to be protect


Sue 8 years ago

I am finding this site to be "fascinating". I am a wife with a husband who had an affair for 3-4 years, off and on. But here is the thing...my husband's "girlfriend" decided to come to my home to let me know. I think she thought that my husband would end up with her after she did it...well, instead he just drug out the affair and our marriage...but I think she's very unstable because she would call me, blocking her number and hang up on me and then finally one day she called me and I picked up and we talked...or I was rather rude and she was rather pathetic. I finally left my home and moved with our children but ended up pregnant, because even though he may not have broken it off with her, he and I were still involved...our sex life was still there...after the baby I decided I would try again, it seemed the right thing to do, but then I found contact between the two and its really moving to the point where its not worth it for me to try. Do I think he'll be happy with her? No. He might try it for a while but I did not live in my home for almost a year and he never moved her in, didn't bring her around his family (mostly because he knows they will literally kick her ass...my inlaws are not happy with him over all of this)...I guess my real question is, when someone is married why get involved? What is the attraction? My husband is hispanic and this is very common so I am not sure why she would think she was special regardless of what he may have said...if someone doesn't leave their spouse before they get involved with you most likely it will take the spouse kicking them out for the marriage to end and many spouses don't end the marriage. I sympathyze for many of you women who are talking about your mm's because you seem to be really hurt but how could you believe a married man to begin with? It seems like the word married would wave a big red flag? As the wife, I think I was entitled to believe my husband loved me and cared for me but I guess I don't think his girlfriend had that right. And its wrong. They both had a responsibility. Not just him and not just her. But I do agree he had more of one to me. He married me, stood in front of our family and friends and said the words...no one forced him...honestly, I don't have a lot of respect for my husband at this time and if I am his wife and I don't respect him how can the other woman respect him and have herself convinced that he's worth all the pain and drama and ugliness? Some men just like to have their cake and eat it too and I guess it doesn't bother them who they hurt i the process...and when I say that, I am not talking about the other woman, but the kids, the family surrounding them, the wife...its very damaging and I hope every day that my girls grow up strong and proud and don't remember this as they are young...I ask my husband, is this what you want your daughter's husbands to do to them and he gets very silent...


girlwithnobrain 8 years ago

Help I need some strength and advice from all of you out there with clear heads. I met a wonderful man about one year ago. Very attentive and caring, very physical. I thought I'd died and gone to heaven - somewhere I suspect I will never now see. He told me he was separated from his wife of 23 years and had started divorce proceedings. I stayed around his place for wild nights of passion. He spent time during the day/evening with his two kids but said his relationship with his wife was over. Then after about 6 months he said that his wife was not coping financially. She had recenty converted the garage in the family home into a self contained apartment, but had been unable to find tenants to rent it to. So the logical answer - he stops renting his place and moves into her garage! Since then I see him when it suits him. He has become far more distant. He has never introduced me to his friends. We have never been out as a couple with anyone else. I feel that I have gone from being a lover to being a mistress without even realising, becaue he was definitely living a single life when we met. I truly believe that his relationship with his wife is all but dead. I have been around to his place once when she was out so I am fairly sure they are not sharing a marital home or bed. He is now talking about getting his own place again - maybe by Christmas. But will it ever happen? and how long do I hold out waiting for things to change? Neither of us are happy with what we have left. We have tried at least four times to end things but just cannot seem to do without each other. Our latest two months break ended this weekend with a evening of wonderful sex. The fact that he has tried to end it makes me think that he is not just a heartless user but really sees and cares about the pain all of us are going through. Am I just being naive and hiding my head in the sand? Should I give this man time or the elbow?


Rick Lim 8 years ago

girlwithnobrain.

Wow, maybe you should read your post, its quite obvious that you need to break it off again, and final. If the guy wanted you, he would commit to you, no matter what. If you are really uncertain about what he wants and what his living circumstances are then ask him. He know the truth, nobody on here knows.

Ask him to meet him wife, maybe meet his kids, ask ask ask. that is the only way you will know. But from my experience, let him go, and move on, how many times are you going to beat the dead horse before you realize your wasting your time.

PS. wonderful sex is fun, but you obviously need more than that, I suggest telling him to pick, RIGHT NOW, if he cant decide, then its over,

Why do people do this to themselves, if you cannot be yourself, or trust your spouse, then you were not meant to be and move on.


Annie 8 years ago

I wasted five years of my life with a married man, who of course, never left his wife. I'd go into details, but what for? Read above. My story is as cliche as the next. At the end, we were having the typical phone conversation i.e. "Give me time," etc., etc. I hung up the phone and never spoke to him again. I've never responded to his calls, emails, or texts again. To those of you who feel that you JUST CAN'T LET GO, you will eventually, you'll get sick of waiting and hoping that your circumstances will be different...special, and when you do let go you will again feel strength and contentment.


Sue 8 years ago

Girlwithnobrain,

You aren't around when the wife is so you really don't know that they aren't "sharing a marital home or bed"...trust me on this one. Besides, even if they aren't but he's not going to bring you out in public, let the kids know you or his friends, well...that means all those people know his wife and that she's his wife regardless of their problems. My husband and I have been up and down and back and forth and our friends and family know this and accept it...he never brought his girlfriend around, even after I moved out of our family home...well, he did in secret...but is that all you want to be? Someone's secret? For your sake, for the wife and children's sake, leave town and change all your numbers and meet someone who is there for YOU and no one else...you can see my story up above so that will let you know that regardless of what the husband is saying to you...he's saying a whole different story to the wife...I am a wife, I know, besides all sex is fun...even when you know that all isn't right...and sex doesn't build a relationship of trust and mutual respect. He can't fully respect a woman who let's him come and go and keep her a secret and you can't fully respect him when you know he has a wife and is lying and cheating all the time....or so I hope....


AWISETALE 8 years ago

Girlwithnobrain; You do have a brain and it is talking to you. What you are doing is wrong. Once he is divorced than let him in, not before. He might be the most charming, loving, kind man in the world but he is not being kind to his family is he? Didn't he give vows, promise, to love, honor and cherish someone else once? Is he a man of his word? I know your heart is telling you one thing and your brain is telling you something else, listen to your brain, it will save you so much heart ache and it will save others heart ache to. I would bet if you talked to his wife you would hear a completely different story. Let me just ask you one question, How would you feel if you were his wife and this was happening to you? Put yourself in her shoes, than make up your mind on whether to stay or go. Never end an affair mutually with your affair partner, it will not work. You have to get strong and you have to set your boundaries and than stick to them. Don't let someone use you. You are worth more than that, your a beautiful person don't let some man destroy you....Trust me, its not what he is making it seem like....Best of Luck


trish1048 profile image

trish1048 8 years ago

wow, veronica! I'm ready for a nap! I started reading this 45 minutes ago, and am not even half way finished!

loved your hub! I will withhold my thoughts until I can take half a day to get through all the posts lol,,,,,,,

Thanks for sharing,

Trish


Diana 8 years ago

Wow!! Thanks for your hub!! I am in a very similar situation, but it is just starting. A couple of months ago, this guy from work started comming to my office to have friendly chats sharing information about the company and all that kind of stuff. I am single; he is not. What made an impression on me was that he started by "sharing" with me his personal problems with his wife. He started telling me that he was not really in love when he got married, that he was still with his wife because of his daughters and that was it. He even told me that he has mentioned to his wife that it would make him really happy if she could find someone else who really loves her!!!!! Well, things kept going the same way until lately that I realized that he was looking at me in a different way. I am a very clueless person and hadn't realized about it until my new assistant started making fun of him trying to get my attention always. After that, I started developing a strong attraction toward him, but I am trying to restrain myself. Thanks for this hub because it's exactly what I needed to convince myself that this relationship doesn't have a chance to succeed. Though I cannot deny that I like him a lot, he is so hot and handsome and makes me feel special, but I have to say it's all about my own ego.


the wife 8 years ago

Hi there,

I'm the wife, and my husband is having an affair now for 2 months. We have been married for 18 yrs, and have one child 7 yrs old.He moved out to find himself, hes 41 and SHE is 22, she has two children with another man. they live together in a travel trailer. I live in our beautiful 4 bedroom home, they have no money, I get all of his. yes its hard, and at times I want him back, but after reading all thes comments I must be crazy. but for now I will continue to get the money, and live in my beautiful home with MY Daughter, and look at him in a different way from now on, because I am a good person, I am a good wife, and I do not deserve to be put through this. and neither does my Daughter.

I will get through this without him, and when my Daughter turns 18 and moves out I will then look for my soulmate, until then he comes to see us, I am polite and nice, and caring, but he knows he must leave at night to go be with HER. More power to him. Im laughing all the way to the bank!


guidebaba profile image

guidebaba 8 years ago from India

Never Trust a Married man and an Unmarried women.


Mystique 8 years ago

I haven't read every post here but skimmed through most of them. My husband died two years ago at an early age of 50 - very unexpectedly. Truthfully, we really had not had a loving marriage for 10 years or so. No intimacy or romance. I think we stayed together at first because of our kids and then, when the kids left, we had just settled into being room mates. Then he started drinking and became verbally abusive. I asked him for a divorce two weeks before he died and he cried and begged me to give him another chance. This had actually happened a couple of times before. I felt if I left, his drinking would only get worse so I just couldn't do it. Anyway, his best friend of 25 years started communicating with me - offering to help me with anything I needed. We became close and well, it just happened.

I know he had 2 affairs before me because he had told my husband about them. I think I was desperate for intimacy because it had been so long since I had any. Also, ever since I've know this friend, there has been some sexual tension and attraction between us that we never followed through with.

When we connected, it was suppose to be just "booty call" but we fell in love with each other. He and his wife had not been in a good marriage in "any" way for many years, also. I know this because he told my husband just about everything in his personal life. His wife is a hypochondriac and hasn't worked for years. In fact, I know that she married him so he would take care of her financially. They were both in very low emotional states when they met and married (I knew them when they connected). The thing is, he knows this.

He told me many times he wishes he could find the strength to leave her but is concerned about how she'll survive without his support. I tried to advise him of his options and he told me his fear is greater than he is. I think this comes from being abandoned as a child after living in a very hostile and abusive family life. I asked him to get counseling and he did see a psych but all that came from that is drugs to help him with his emotions.

We found we had so much in common....always had something to talk about and enjoy when we were together and even when we weren't. We chatted all of time online and met in public almost every day. I used to think he hoped he would get caught. I felt he was wanting her to end it and it would solve his problems. I told him no matter what he did, she would not leave because all she wanted was his financial support. Please understand, I knew her and know much about them as a couple.

Anyway, I decided it was too hard to continue (18 months of this) and told him I just couldn't do it anymore - that it just hurt too much. It devastated both of us but, we kept in touch and he confessed about 2 months later that he had a fling with someone else because he was so depressed about us. I know I know, I thought the same thing..."right, your so depressed you went right out to find a new victim to help cure your depression"....and that may be true. I haven't actually discussed it with him and yes we do still talk occassionally.

I'd like to talk to him...to try and understand what happened. After all, we were good friends before all of this. I knew too much about him for him to get away with very many lies. I think I'm still in love with him and I'm pretty sure he feels the same but I'm moving on. However, I'm very picky about relationships and that means no sex until I connect...so I was thinking about maybe using him for booty call. He needs it and so do I.

I wanted to get some comments from this site about this. Keep in mind that I'm 90% sure his wife knows he's had affairs and just doesn't care. They rarely speak to each other, don't sleep in the same room, never do anything together, have no children together and really have no relationship and I know this for a fact (remember I know her). We have great sex together and have a great time with each other's company.

I am dating and trying to find the right person to be in my life but let's face it, it's not that easy so booty call would be a welcome distraction with a good friend. I'm anxious to hear your thoughts.


The Wife 8 years ago

Can't you people find single men or women to be with, why do you have to go for married ones. Regardless of HOW you feel about your situation, these people are married. And if they are unhappy in there marriage they need to get a divorce. but all of you need to get it! stay away from the married ones, you NEVER know what goes on behind closed doors, never believe what you are told by the other person, they will tell you anything to keep you for there own selfishness. Take it from the wife whos husband is having an affair right now. He tells me oh I love you, and tells her the same, bullshit. I get what I want from him, and she gets nothing. I'm telling you this, because you are being used by these people. I'm the wife using my husband for what he did to me, and he doesn't have the the guts to divorce me, because in reality he doesn't want one. I hope you all can see the light on your situations.


Speak 8 years ago

Just skimming through this thread I feel sorry for women in general. Some of you on here are bashing women who slept with married men. How do you think these relationships started? No matter the scenario, the MAN was the one who decided that what he was getting at home wasn't worth the respect some of you think it deserved. So these pititful whores are the guilty party? Ever been alone, insecure, wanting affection? If your man is out cheating, I bet you've felt all those emotions, so who do you have more in common with? The husbands out there doing dirt or these so-called "whores" (who just want the same things you want, but are going about getting it the wrong way)? I bet the latter... Women need to start making men responsible for their actions. Get angry at the dude who took you to the alter and later crapped on your vows. Not the woman who is lost and looking for something in the wrong place. Displaced anger sucks. I think it's time for women to demand more out of their partners and know when their relationships are screwed up and LEAVE. Instead of sitting at home focusing on everything else and forgetting to make sure your marriage is healthy and intact.


The Wife 8 years ago

Hi Speak: I like what you wrote, and I think I could use allot of what you said in my situation, since I have a husband right now having an affair. And he is a pease of shit for doing this to me, and the more I hear it, the more I feel like I do not want him back. Because I deserve better.

Thanks allot for that and all you other women out there.


AFool4Sur 8 years ago

I finally ended an affair after almost 8 yrs. Yep, you heard right. I divorced, moved to be near him-lost a husband, my only child, an executive lifestyle, financial security-you name it it's gone. I recently sent him a letter and told him that he owed me $225k for all of my losses since he lied to me & decided he needed to be with his family (after all). He took this to his attorney & they are planning to do things to me that I never expected. The financial remedy was because I lost that much in leaving eveyrthing for a liar, thief and a cheat. NEVER NEVER get involved with a married man. It is not worth it. The losses are all on you & you will never see it coming because he is so very good at the lying game, and the empty promises. Affairs are for losers - don't be one.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

AFool4Sur,

Thanks for the comment.

I'm really curious about yoru situation. What are he and his attorney planning to do, and how do you know about it? Have you told his wife and family about the affair?

I hope to hear from you, either by email or comment.


paranoid86 8 years ago

thank you for writing this article I know theres a lot of people out there who could realize or perhaps change.

http://hubpages.com/author/paranoid86/latest/?rss


Sue 8 years ago

Mystique,

I honestly don’t think that you will ever understand what happened. My husband cheated on me (so I am coming from the other end of the spectrum) and for a long time I wanted to understand how and why. I know what troubles our marriage has…but honestly, the affair was his selfishness more than the troubles. I did have to finally come to the realization (I had to stop driving myself crazy) that I will never understand because I am not my husband and I hope that I couldn’t do what he has done to me with his long term affair to another person. And I was very angry not only with my husband (yes, he was the main focus of my anger) but also with his Other Woman. I saw Speak’s response to the The Wife and Speak is right that the person most responsible is the Married Man. But I do believe that the other woman should say no when she knows that it’s a Married Man and in my case she knew very well. And perhaps the anger is displaced but I am not sure that too many people, man or woman, who’ve been cheated on are able to be that logical when it hurts so much. But what I am really trying to say is that no matter how much you want to talk to this man and understand everything all that will really happen is that you will end up sleeping together, have no real resolution and keep the affair going-on and off and on and off. Why do I know this? It's what my husband and I did and I assume what he and the Other Woman also did..It’s too easy to get sucked in, its human nature. I think men having affairs don’t tend to divorce their wives. I am sure there are some wives who actual divorce their husbands who are having an affair but in a large amount of cases they try to work it out. And no matter whatever anyone else thinks it is the two people in the marriage’s prerogative. I have friends/family who understand that and I have friends/family who I am sure are not happy with my decision to stay in my marriage at this time. But we women do create the bed we lie in that as a whole we (wives, girlfriends) accept bad behavior towards us from men and then we (the other women) get involved with men we shouldn’t. Obviously the solution is to expect better for ourselves and from ourselves and not accept less from ourselves and others on both sides of the story.


Sandilyn profile image

Sandilyn 8 years ago from Port Orange, FL

I think that your comment to her was correct! I also think that every situation is different. Some people are not happy and do fall in love with other people. Some people do leave their spouses for other people and are happy. There are always two side to everything. If someone is straying there is a reason and that needs to be looked at. We can't alwways come down on the man. Why is he cheating? What is really going on? What is happening?

We all need to be happy! Each and every one of us. Love is love and that is the way it is. If you are not happy in a realtionship then get out of it! Don't let fear hold you back! I did it and I am happier for it!


Sandilyn profile image

Sandilyn 8 years ago from Port Orange, FL

I think that your comment to her was correct! I also think that every situation is different. Some people are not happy and do fall in love with other people. Some people do leave their spouses for other people and are happy. There are always two side to everything. If someone is straying there is a reason and that needs to be looked at. We can't alwways come down on the man. Why is he cheating? What is really going on? What is happening?

We all need to be happy! Each and every one of us. Love is love and that is the way it is. If you are not happy in a realtionship then get out of it! Don't let fear hold you back! I did it and I am happier for it!


Stupid 8 years ago

I am married and I started an affair with a married man. He never took me anywhere, we may if I was lucky have lunch once a week. He never text me unless I did first. He would come over and have sex with me and leave within the hour. I loved him and I still do. But reading all these comments makes me realise that he never loved me. I was only someone to have sex with


Stupid 8 years ago

I am married and I started an affair with a married man. He never took me anywhere, we may if I was lucky have lunch once a week. He never text me unless I did first. He would come over and have sex with me and leave within the hour. I loved him and I still do. But reading all these comments makes me realise that he never loved me. I was only someone to have sex with


The Wife 8 years ago

Dear Stupid,

You are allowing this man to USE you. This is not love, someone who love another does not treat them this way. You deserve better, and more self esteem, you will find your true love, but not with a married man, look inside yourself, and get happy for you first, feel better about yourself first, and before you know it your love will be there when you least except it.


Stupid 8 years ago

The wife,

You are right. He does not love me. He is moving abroad with his wife for a year and when he told me I cried so much. He said that we lead separate lifes and that there was no relationship between us. It hurt. But its the truth. I allowed myself to be used. Its my fault and I hope I can find the strength within me to move on.


Stupid 8 years ago

The wife,

You are right. He does not love me. He is moving abroad with his wife for a year and when he told me I cried so much. He said that we lead separate lifes and that there was no relationship between us. It hurt. But its the truth. I allowed myself to be used. Its my fault and I hope I can find the strength within me to move on.


The Wife 8 years ago

Dear Stupid,

You do have the strength to move on, you just don't know it yet. Treat yourself like a temple, and any man needs to show you respect first if they do not they are not the guy for you, and you should move on, NO matter how lonely you are, because you are better then that. My husband is having an affair right now, and yes I was hurt, but through time, I realized I do deserve better, andyes I still love him. WE've been together for 18 yrs. Give yourself time, find things to do with your friends, right down your thoughts on paper, then read them back in a couple of days. say to yourself: I'm a good person, I deserve to be treated like one, I'm beautiful, and deserving of GOOD people around me. I shine, and it shows!!!! Good luck, and you are not stupid. you are brave.


shezz3085 profile image

shezz3085 8 years ago from Philippines

I like your advised here...yeah true it is not a good idea to sleep with men who is already married, they can be considered as the best actor just acting in front of you that they really love you which is at the end not at all. Better look for a single men who you can live with for the rest of your life.


Confused whether I should stay in a relationship with my children's father or not? 8 years ago

I won't go into too much detail, my affair ended do to crossing and mixing up signals- I think I initiated the break up. It's affecting my health, I am losing a lot of weight at a rapid speed. He was my Best friend/lover/ protector/ provider/father of my children. THis the longest we have ever been apart and went without talking to one another. I am the other woman and we have twin boys that are a year and a half. After the Ultimatium his wife imposed on him, he was still apart of the kids and my life every day. My babies are crying out for their daddy, going to the window and doors looking for him; the boys and I aren't resting that well. I am so Heartbroken and I know he is also.

He has two older children from a previous marriage-one in which he was the jilted spouse, his wife-their mother left him for another man and had another family. I have read all these statements, and I had just ended a five year relationship that was ruined by Infidelity, he had a long-term affair on me and had several affairs on those that he cheated on me with. We had one child together but when I met him, he took on the father role to three children, he didn't have any of his own at the time. My ex became violent and wouldn't let me walk out of our relationship, he damaged property, stalked and even became a peeping tom. This married man was a police detective and was in the middle of conducting an investigation of a relative of mine. We became friends because he was going through with his spouse also. I told him my convictions about those that messed with unavailable men, etc. We talked about everything, the late nights grew frequent and then he started popping up, to check on me, and one night after being scared out of my mind by my ex, we went there. I felt so bad for what I had done, but I had been deprived of Intimacy for so long, that it felt good. No I was not and still am not an unattractive woman; that's why the tramps my ex cheated on me with, broke my self-esteem in the beginning and I gained 20 plus pounds as a result( 140-160). Well, we had bonded so that his two-side chicks were quickly kicked to the curb and then I found out we were expecting, he didn't want to leave. I brought up termination of the babies, because I didn't love him and I thought about what I had done and was dealing with trying to reconcile with my ex. My ex is still trying to reconcile but that's a done deal, he broke me down to a place I didn't want to go back to ever. I met him almost a year after my another ex, that was verbally and physically abusive( his insecurities-people would ask me in his face why would someone like me, want someone that looked like him). I had issues dealing with emotions and m/m couldn't understand after being together for so long, how could I say I didn't love him, etc. I seperated my emotions, due to being hurt in my past. He was never secretive about me, we went everywhere and did what families do. He was a Gentlemen and showed much respect( he says I treated his wife as though she was the other woman- i don't agree).Anyway, he told his sister about the boys and she wanted to meet me, the babies, and my other children, I declined the invitation, then he told his father and kept asking how did I feel about him, because his children were next, then the Wife in finding out about the boys. Well I allowed myself to open up and we wrestled with my telling him to stay with his wife and work things out, he didn't want to leave our babies or me. I called his wife while he was sleep with our babies from his cell phone and told her with the sympathy and compassion I wished those bitches had shown me. She tried to put her foot down and he still came around; she even threatened to kill him, attacked my character and tried to convince him I was using him-funny right- the single woman using the man. Anyway, it wasn't until she discovered the night before his birthday that even after I had called and told her again, that we were still involved, she thought she had stopped him from contacting me, yeah right, she decided to change the phone numbers and this time she threatened to take the children, that she legally adopted overseas. He knows I would never force him to choose between his children and have made that very clear, because of how it affected his older children at first I tried to end things on several occassions, but he didn't want too. this like I said is the longest we have gone without communicating, he used our joint email account to contact me Friday, but other than that I haven't heard from him and he was concerned with the boys and talking about how heartbroken he is that he can't be with the babies every day, etc., because I had asked for closure, afte my ending it with him, unintentionally, he decided to tell everyone that didn't already know about us, about us and the boys and he still speaks of love, etc. Because of the nature of our affair, others both male and female, said he will not be with her for too much longer, etc. They had been married for 10 yrs when I met him and he expressed he loved his wife and had never thought of leaving her and the affairs he had were mainly for sex. the women he dealt with dated other men, etc. He told me he had started having affairs within the third year of their marriage due to the issues she was dealing with and how she had shut him out during her depression, etc. He later started saying that he wanted it to end because of the problems they were having, etc and not because of me and the boys. We actually made preparations for him to leave, until his son freaked out, the daughter was more understanding, because like I said they were having extensive problems. They are not from America, but he has family here, she doesn't. I understand that, and it wasn't suppose to ever reached this level. I know he won't stay from his sons for long and he will be back, she doesn't want him to see them without a vistation order-no contact with me; finances are in a mess, because he recently lost his job, so that won't be happening and he has been working numerous odd jobs to run two households, in between that trying to spend adequate time with both sets of children. She now blames him for everything and never once acknowledged her part in driving her husband away. He lost his job and came and stayed a week after finding out, she didn't find out about the job deal, until he went home. he cried like a baby in my arms, in this nearly three year ordeal he has cried more than once in front of me. I have been through depression, because I couldn't deal with the fact I had lowered my standards and been in an affair. I gained over 60lbs as a result, but I am now back to my 155lbs, after I accepted the fact that things happened and never say never as to what you will and will not do. she on the other hand ballooned to a whooping 290lbs and didn't see a need to come off the weight and kept making excuses, but she's dealing with some issues that I don't feel it will be appropriate to address on an open forum, too obvious, but those issues are partly what drove him to having affairs to begin with,and I believe him whole-heartedly that he tried everything he could to help her, before stepping out on the marriage, because he's a communicator and a Virgo male. His loyalities are divided. She just recently went through a hysteretomy, and now she's trying to make me suffer and him for having our babies.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 8 years ago

You are not a fool. You know exactly what you are doing. The truth is cheating is about being selfish. There is something you can't give this man just as there is something his wife is not giving him. So he is filling in the "gap" with you. My guess is he still has sex with his wife and you are only having sex with him. The longer a man dates a woman without proposing it is unlikely that he will. You either accept that you will always be #2 or go find a man who thinks YOU are worth being his ONLY woman. Just as a drug dealer is not innocent for providing drugs to a junkie, you are not innocent for providing sex to a married man. Stop romantizing your affair and see it as it is. "a good time" forget marrying this guy! If you really want to get married then you need to break off this relationship that is eating up your youth.


Confused whether I should stay in a relationship with my children's father or not?  8 years ago

I don't know if the last comment was directed towards me or not; but this woman has threaten to carry out a murder suicide, she's grasping for straws and he's dealing with a lot of stress. I will not make any excuses, he's communicated to me that he think I have taken my ex back, etc. She doesn't want him to have contact with me, but yet he has already lost everything, except his Health and Life and still comes around. He's now withdrawn due to his Depression. Over the course of two years I have watched a strong type A personality male, break down and become basically an Infant trying to find common ground and do right by Both his Families, etc and other issues he's being faced with. He is still trying to maintain some level of Normancy through out all of this and his children Inquire about me and mine. I have tried to walk away, so I know how he feels on certain things, his first wife committed adultery and even then he wouldn't leave, so she left him; I have tried to leave and his thing was what would it do to the children and the babies, he's a loyal, dedicated father and he put his children's needs before his own. He doesn't want to be a paycheck and postcard father like some or weekend visitations, he wants to be apart of every moment of their lives. If he could have it his way- we would all live under one roof or he'd leave both the Wife and myself and keep the children all that are involved. Children comes first with him, before Relationships and marriage. He feels that his first Wife and I just gave birth for him, he assumes the mother role within his children's lives, instead of the father role. He bathes them, feed, etc, we're just his nanny's when he's working, etc. that's what I have gathered throughout the years I have known him.


Stargazer 8 years ago

Great hub, Veronica: a place where individuals can not only tell their stories, but help others understand how they became involved with a mm, articulate what the consequences have been, and find support for some difficult life decisions!

Like many of you, I have been in both positions: the “other woman” and the wife.

When I was young and naïve, I too fell for a mm. The sex was great for a variety of reasons. Unlike a single guy on the prowl, he was not sexually deprived so could take his sweet time finally persuading me to sleep with him. Therefore, the slow build-up to sex seemed romantic, like he was really interested in a relationship with me rather than just sex. What’s more, as a married man, he was perfectly “safe” in giving me what uncommitted men would not out of fear they would be saying or doing things that suggested commitment. Unlike a single guy, he could be attentive, call frequently, give thoughtful little presents, and all those other things women find endearing because it appeals to a woman’s sense of romance. (Of course, he didn’t have to worry; he was already committed so it placed no burden on him.) However, after I was “made,” the challenge to scale the iceberg disappeared. I suddenly had to learn to make do with odd moments of time. Some time later, I realized that what he particularly valued was the heady experience of falling in love. On the other hand, like most of you, I listened to all the garbage that kept right on tumbling out of his mouth. Like a well-rehearsed actor, he had the lines down pat. Then again why wouldn’t he? It turns out he had had a number of affairs. Eventually, he relocated to a new “iceberg.” It devastated me – but you know, it was the best thing that could’ve happened. And truthfully – did I give a thought to his supposedly separated wife? To my shame, I did not. I was too young and too naïve to doubt those things he said. I believed he was separated; after all, he introduced me to his pilot buddies and their wives. Not one of them took me aside and said “You know he’s still married, right?” No, I was that season’s flavor of the month that enabled him to not deal with the issues he had within his marriage.

In later years, I was in a committed relationship when I discovered my significant other was cheating. How did I know? I walked in on them as they were going at it on my living room L-shaped couch. As the two of them were struggling to get back into their clothes, I sat down nonchalantly on the far end, and said, “So life sure has its ups and downs, doesn’t it?” They beat a hasty retreat. He stayed gone long enough for me

to gather up my stuff and move out. In those months, I decided that I must’ve been hooked on rejection to once again have found someone who treated me with less than the respect I deserved. I was already seeing someone else when months later when he begged me to take him back. It seems the woman who could be so sweet, comforting etc. really wasn’t prepared to put up with all the crap that sharing a home with someone entails.

My advice to all the “other” women is don’t waste any of the precious time you have on this earth with an already married or engaged man.

And just for the record, Why oh why, affairs are not engaged in to “make family life more bearable.” This is an example of self-deception at its most damaging. Family life is more than bearable. It is part of the joy of staying married; you may discover this for yourself if you ever marry. And Mystic Rain, you say, “Honestly, if you think about it, the only people that should really care are the two that are involved. Everything and everyone Else’s opinions are basically superficial.” You must know that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Time and again, the wives who have commented here have told everyone the illicit relationships hurt them and your mm’s children. Your feelings must be superficial if you can not understand this. Children depend on their parents to set an example. Would you really want your child growing up knowing his or her parent did not value her well-being? And finally, I admire your courage, Charity, in telling the wife. Like the ex-wife you told, my significant other had me convinced for a time that I was crazy and suspicious for those things my instincts and observations were telling me.

There is a blessed relief in dealing with reality; it permits to get on with your life. So whether it was anger, or guilt prompting you, the fact is you did good!


Tommy 8 years ago

Where is it written that just because you date someone you then must marry them? Where did this level of expectation come from? It is disturbing.


kits 8 years ago

Marrying a married man is a BIG "NO" - In the end you'll be sorry. shame on you.


kits 8 years ago

Marrying a married man is a BIG "NO" - In the end you'll be sorry. shame on you.


jeff 8 years ago

i have been married for 18 years and have 5 children and have been quite unhappy for 3 years. i can't leave because of my kids. i frankly told my wife that we have no more chemistry and i need great sex to keep me motivated in life and happy and i am not getting it from her. what to do? she was openminded enough to tell me, look you may get a mistress if you want but i don't want to know about it nor for the kids to know, nor to get an STD nor for her to take you away from me permanently. i said, ok fine, we will work on our marriage and i will avoid that option as much as possible but if it happens i will follow your conditions.

does this make me a bad person? does this make my wife a crazy woman? is my mistress a fool for getting involved with me?


Annie C 8 years ago

Is your wife is not a crazy person? No; she just has her hands full with five kids. In addition to the normal activities a wife does, it's exhausting trying to be on call 24/7.

Is your mistress a fool for getting involved with you? Absolutely! You have nothing to offer her that she couldn't get in any bar.

Are you a bad person? More likely you're a weak person whose income is insufficient to give your wife a break. And the more involved with your mistress, the greater will be your desire to help her out financially. Now where will that leave your family -- when it's obvious you don't even have enough to give your wife time off?

No, Jeff, what you need to do is channel all that sexual energy into providing for and protecting your family. Grow up; realize life is not all about you.


The wife 8 years ago

Good Advice Annie C.

Jeff your a selfish pig


JUne 8 years ago

my H left to be with the married woman...we were married 36 yrs he is living in the same apt complex they are still both married she is getting a divorce He hasn't done anything about a divorce yet I think you OW suck and so doesn't he but why can't you go find your own man....!!!


jeff 8 years ago

What consenting adults do among themselves to find happiness is fine, so long as they don't hurt anyone. I am not hurting anyone. I know what I need and if I find what I need, what is wrong with that? I want happiness too. That doesn't make me selfish. It makes me human.

jeff has integrity

wife is smart and realistic.

mistress is a saint. she doesn't want anything from me but some love an attention.

you don't seem to understand that a man can not function as a good provider and father and husband if he is unhappy. A happy man is a better provider, father and husband.

you call the mistress a fool because you ask, "what is in it for her?"

well what's in it for me?

let anyone do whatever they want so long as they fulfill their responsibilities in life and don't hurt anyone.

at least i was honest with my wife. i told her what i feel i need to function optimally. she gave me some options and i took my choice.

did i deceive anyone? fine, blame me for not being 100% selfless. at least i did not deceive anyone.


The Wife 8 years ago

Jeff,

On your first letter asking us all for advise. I'm I a bad person, is my wife crazy, etc etc. Why is now that we have responded you have confidence, and can explain yourself. Is it because you do not like what your reading. think of it as you will. You are still selfish, and a good example to your kids. But lets see! maybe it doesn't matter what they think after all , you not hurting anyone!


john 8 years ago

Last US Census said there are 85 single men for every 100 single women. Many women can't find their own man simply because there are not enough to go around!

http://www.census.gov/population/www/cen2000/brief...

It looks like the Mormons were right. There is no solution to this problem except polygyny.


8 years ago

The only solution is polygamy? ( think that's what you were trying to spell)

How about

Lesbianism.

Or how about all the people that don't want to be in committed relationships, who don't get married and don't lie to their wives and don't cheat, and don't screw up their kids, John.


jeff 8 years ago

if my son was in the same situation as i am in now and he did what i am doing i wouldn't mind at all. just be honest about what you want in life. so long as there is consent it is fine. just don't lie or deceive.

if the wife wants out, let her go. sacrificing your happiness for your kids is BS.


Annie C 8 years ago

Of course you wouldn’t mind at all if your son was as inconsiderate and thoughtless to his wife, jeff, as you are. How could you possibly care when it’s obvious you only care about yourself? The good news is one day when you want your children to be there for you, they will demonstrate the same attitude towards you that you’re demonstrating for your family. And nothing you can say or do will later will overcome the example you set. It’s a pity really because your son’s future wife will consider the man your son is likely to become based on what his father did -- and the poor kid will come up wanting. But his future isn’t important, is it? Only you and your needs at the moment matter, right?


jeff 8 years ago

I would rather be smart and "inconsiderate" rather than stupid and considerate. To remain in a sexless unhappy marriage just for kids is nonsense.

I bet you my son when he grows up and understands would think I was stupid for sacrificing my happiness for him. He'd probably say, "Hey dad, that was dumb. Who cares what Annie C said on some anonymous forum.

You could have raised me seperate and happy just was good, if not better. Why?

Because seperation in harmony is better than unity in disharmony.

The wife and I just don't get along. You know what? I am just going to get a divorce.

A selfish pig is one who neglects his kids. I am a good father. I just don't like their Mom.

She is just as unsmart as you. Hubby comes first even if there are 10 kids. Why? Because when kids are grown and gone they leave you but Hubby stays.

The problem with feminist women is they just see men as mules. Treat them nice until you get knocked up and then put them in the backseat forever. Who needs it? You should see http://nomarriage.com

You can not satisfy everyone in life. You might as well satisfy your self. So long as you fulfill your responsibilities in life who cares what others say? Most people in the world are dim-wits anyway.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Hi Jeff/John, I'm Veronica, author of this Hub.

I am familiar with the site you linked.

I have 2 queries for you.

1 - If you have time, I would really appreciate it if you would read this hub of mine:

http://hubpages.com/relationships/For_Unhappily_Ma

and comment as openly and honestly as you have here.

2 - Also if you have a moment, I would appreciate it if you'd email me. I'd like to quote you in something else I'm writing. You can message me through the profile link here on hubpages, or through the profile on my blog:

www.lonelyroadsandpsychopaths.com

Thanks

Veronica


Jack Hammer 8 years ago

Read what you wrote, Jeff, and have been down the road you think you want to travel. It may look real sweet from where you’re sitting right now but from my perspective it’s all crap.

I was married for almost fifteen years when my johnson started telling me there has to be more than this. I found me a sweet little gal named Vickie to fulfill those needs. Unfortunately, I must’ve home one too many times smelling like sex, or maybe I wasn’t home when Susie, the wife needed me. Anyway, one day she divorced me. Suddenly, I found I was the visitor in my own house. Oh, the court gave us joint custody of the kids but she was the custodial parent. I had no choice but to pay alimony to Susan, and child support for my three kids. So to help pay the bills, and take care of the kids for those visitations, I married Vickie. Then one fine day, Susan marries an ex-military man, and I’m thinking, relief! No more alimony! The thing is he turned out to be a better dad than me. You know the kind that coaches your sons baseball team, and treats your daughter like a princess? My kids not only admired the guy but treated him with respect. They did not, unfortunately treat Vickie the same way. To them, she was the ho that destroyed their parents marriage. And sweet Vickie proved she was a lot better mistress than a wife. She did nothing but complain about my crazy ex-wife and my kids. And maybe to overcome the ho image, Vickie wanted to have a child. Next thing I knew, I had another mouth to feed. And Vickie was jealous as hell that my first kids had more than hers did. My second marriage deteriorated, and once again, I was looking for more plentiful sex. Only thing was Vickie was not gonna put up with the games, and took off across the country. Next thing I knew, I was paying child support for another kid. So I vowed not to do the marriage thing again. This was smart since my new girlfriend was an alcoholic who put out plenty but didn’t give a damn about decency. Funny how that became so important as I aged.

Years passed by. I never saw my fourth child, and the first three grew to love their step-dad. Apparently, he gave them the discipline and values they needed. I know this because it’s what my youngest son, Steven, told me when I talked to him on the phone. I also found out my oldest son became an officer in the Navy. He works on submarines, and is gone for months at a stretch. My daughter became a nurse and a wife. (The wedding invitation arrived too late for me to attend.) Steven, meanwhile became a veternarian. And from the email he sent me, I see Susie looks like a million bucks. Steven says “his parents” are happy and contented. I can’t help but think that I could’ve had that. Instead, I’m alone. I’m also dying from cancer so I wish my kids had time for me. I guess I can’t blame them for putting their families and careers first.


Jack Hammer 8 years ago

Read what you wrote, Jeff, and have been down the road you think you want to travel. It may look real sweet from where you’re sitting right now but from my perspective it’s all crap.

I was married for almost fifteen years when my johnson started telling me there has to be more than this. I found me a sweet little gal named Vickie to fulfill those needs. Unfortunately, I must’ve home one too many times smelling like sex, or maybe I wasn’t home when Susie, the wife needed me. Anyway, one day she divorced me. Suddenly, I found I was the visitor in my own house. Oh, the court gave us joint custody of the kids but she was the custodial parent. I had no choice but to pay alimony to Susan, and child support for my three kids. So to help pay the bills, and take care of the kids for those visitations, I married Vickie. Then one fine day, Susan marries an ex-military man, and I’m thinking, relief! No more alimony! The thing is he turned out to be a better dad than me. You know the kind that coaches your sons baseball team, and treats your daughter like a princess? My kids not only admired the guy but treated him with respect. They did not, unfortunately treat Vickie the same way. To them, she was the ho that destroyed their parents marriage. And sweet Vickie proved she was a lot better mistress than a wife. She did nothing but complain about my crazy ex-wife and my kids. And maybe to overcome the ho image, Vickie wanted to have a child. Next thing I knew, I had another mouth to feed. And Vickie was jealous as hell that my first kids had more than hers did. My second marriage deteriorated, and once again, I was looking for more plentiful sex. Only thing was Vickie was not gonna put up with the games, and took off across the country. Next thing I knew, I was paying child support for another kid. So I vowed not to do the marriage thing again. This was smart since my new girlfriend was an alcoholic who put out plenty but didn’t give a damn about decency. Funny how that became so important as I aged.

Years passed by. I never saw my fourth child, and the first three grew to love their step-dad. Apparently, he gave them the discipline and values they needed. I know this because it’s what my youngest son, Steven, told me when I talked to him on the phone. I also found out my oldest son became an officer in the Navy. He works on submarines, and is gone for months at a stretch. My daughter became a nurse and a wife. (The wedding invitation arrived too late for me to attend.) Steven, meanwhile became a veternarian. And from the email he sent me, I see Susie looks like a million bucks. Steven says “his parents” are happy and contented. I can’t help but think that I could’ve had that. Instead, I’m alone. I’m also dying from cancer so I wish my kids had time for me. I guess I can’t blame them for putting their families and careers first.


jeff 8 years ago

Jack your children are so ungrateful. Did you not bring them into the world. Did you not provide for them? I'll share a story to make it clearer. The world is not fair.

There was this crazy talking stray cow who had so much milk to offer, the cow was almost exploding.

The cow wanted someone to relieve it of the "suffering" of having too much milk.

The cow met 3 people and said, please milk me as I can't take it anymore.

The cow didn't realize that the 3 people wanted the milk more than the cow wanted to give.

They say, one of us will domesticate you and relieve you of your milk every day and return give you free green grass but you will work the field every day and once in a while we will take a slice of your back to have steak, deal?

Cow happily says ok, please do it. I can't take it anymore. This milk is killing me.

After a few years the cow says, "This is not fair. I still have so much milk to give and my master is not relieving me of it. I want to give more.

The master says, "If you try to get anyone else to milk you except me I will kick you out, but you will still have to plow my fields.

The cow is suffering and finds an apparently very nice milker. The cow secretly goes to the "nice milker" to releive it of all this milk but one day gets caught.

The "kind milker" turns out to be even meaner than the first. At first the 2nd milker was very gentle but not is yanking really hard to get milk.

Poor cow now has to plow two fields and only has 1 milker but the cow still has more milk to give and is getting frustrated.

The cow runs away and finds a 3rd milker who take the milk really well, doesn't force him to plow any fields but is an alcoholic. Poor cow. The cow really wanted to plow another field.

Now the cow has mad cow disease and none of the 3 milkers even calls to visit or say hello. All the greedy people who took of the the cow's milk, all the work the cow did on the fields and all the free steak the cow gave in the past is considered a favor to the cow.

Ungrateful cow. Did we not relieve you of your milk. Die in your misery.

First milker found a sucker cow who was more stupid then the first cow. Everyone is happy with the 2nd cow. The first cow goes down in history of the farm as the most ungrateful rebelious cow ever known.

There is nothing a farmer hates more than a rebelious cow.


Strawberry Girl 8 years ago

It has nothing to do with his wife:

Our relationship is about us. Not her or his life with her. It happened and I'm not sure if and when it will end. He is in love with me. He does love her and he says she is a great person and mother to his four children. But they were married young after she found her self pregnant with their child. He did the "right" thing and married her at 22 years of age. Three more kids later and eighteen years of marriage he meets me. People change and people grow. People love more than one person their whole lifetime. I know he loves me . He makes no promises, but he does talk about our future. I am not in a place right know where I want him to leave his wife. I am in the process of a divorce. He has helped me through this mess like no one else has. Not even my family. My husband was both physically and mentally abusive. He blames our divorce on my "affair". But he doesn't think he has done anything wrong. My MM has been my strength and my best friend through this whole mess. It is not about sex and physical attraction. He is truly one of the nicest, strong, giving and confident men I have ever meet. I know what people will say "he cant be all that if he is cheating on his wife". I will argue with any one about this fact. He is a beautiful person. We ended it for a brief time as I was trying to "fix" my marriage. I was living a lie. We stayed away for six months. My ex brought him back into my life by mentioning his name in the divorce papers. My MM makes me want to be a better person. I am not lonely. I feel loved. He brings out the best in me. I have yet to figure out why it is so wrong to love some one. We love each other truly. I understand that if I was his wife I would not be a happy person. I would never blame her. I am not naive of the fact that it is easy to love some one when you are not dealing with real life i.e. bill, kids, homework etc. I hope some day it will stop being an affair and become and honest and open relationship. I have meat some of his best friends and the response has been pretty posative. They know him as a man and they know that this is not some thing that is in his nature and that if he has fallen in love with some one out side of his marriage it must mean something. It is not something that he takes lightly and he doesn't consider me a fling. Its love and its real and it has consequenses but so doesn't everything in life that means something to you. Life is about taking chances specially when you feel strongly about something. Its called passion. And life without it is sad. I love him and he loves me and I have to believe that all this craziness will work itself out somehow. There are no guarentees in life. We dont really know where life will take us. Its a journey and there are so many different roads we take. I never in my life thought I would end up here but I am. We will deal with it and see where it takes us. I think I am a strong person. I think I can handle what the future hold. What ever that may be. I am a better person to be loved by him. He has only brought posative things into my life and for that I have no regrets.


Kate 8 years ago

Well Strawberry Girl, you truly have convinced yourself. Let me just try to shine a little light on this. If this man truly did not love his wife than why does he not just let her go find someone who will? Yes I am sure she will hurt to have to go through a divorce, but she won't hurt nearly as much as she will once she finds this out. Yes, she is being hurt, because she is most likely living a lie, and nothing hurts worse than finding out your life, your dreams, your hard work on building a future with your husband was a lie. Yes, I am sure you love him, but his Best Friend you are not, a Best Friend looks after their friends best interest, and NO Best Friend would let their Best Friend hurt someone else or live a lie. They would tell their Best Friend to get their life straight and to live with dignity and integrity. Yes, your lover, whatever, is a liar, because he lies to his wife and Children and he lies to you, believe that or not it is true. I know he loves you so much he would NEVER lie to you, believe this or not, his wife felt the same way once and maybe she still does. The idea that NO BODY gets hurt is just stupid and selfish, alot of people are being hurt, alot. I am sure he makes all kinds of excuses as to why he can not leave his wife and children and I am sure you believe everyone of them, your fooling yourself and hurting yourself, you don't have to believe me because time is going to tell you that all on its own. All the excuses as to why my husband couldn't leave me, his affair partner believed everyone, thought they were in love, thought she would have him forever, their affair lasted 9 years before I found out. Guess what, my kids were grown, I had a job, I am independent, he could have left, but in the end, he choose me, the sad part in this, He choose me, she was hurt to the extreme, but I choose me to, bye bye husband, hello new life. Here you go, he didn't go to her, infact he stayed alone, didn't even date her, and she thought she was his BEST FRIEND in the world, she Thought she knew him better than anyone, they were so in love because of al lthe things he said and did, okay you say, well this isn't us, we truly love each other, than lets go to statistics, 12% will leave their wives and family out of that 12%, 7% will go to the affair partner, out of that wonder union only 2% will survive. Wow now those are great odds on your love for each other.

Let me tell you a little story, I am going to make it short. My brother had a bitch of a wife, or so he thought, he met a wonderful girl, or so he thought, they had an affair for over 3 years, in love, best of friends and so on. He had three beautiful little girls with his wife. He decided to leave his wife for his affair partner, no demands on her part. They got married, they had another child, life sounds grand doesn't it, I mean they were so in love and the best of friends, but 4 years later, I hear my new sister in law complaining about him all the time, I hear her unhappiness because of the emotional abuse he heaps on her all the time, why because he does not trust her. They have NO peace in their home, now she is the bitch, he is miserable, she is miserable, wow live sure got better for them. Guess what, now she knows what his wife went through and what she was really about.

Strawberry, convince yourself of anything you want, after all it is your life. But your Friends wife should NO, she has that right. Maybe your not ready for marriage or living together or whatever, you don't have to for him to be honest with his wife. I am sure he can live alone, just dating you like he is now. As much as you think you know him, you don't.

You commented that you are a better person because of him, you are wrong, you have just lost some of your integrity, your self worth, your self respect, your self dignity, your self period. A better person would never hurt or even think about hurting someone else, they would never treat someone or others the way they themselves would not want to be treated. A better person. Please think about that again.

I know so many people who have been in affairs but I can not tell you one story of sucess. Not one. Out of 15 girlfriends I have, 11 have either been in an affair with a married man or had an affair on their husband, out of that 11, all thought they were IN LOVE, BEST OF FRIENDS, blah blah blah, yet none of them ended up with the affair partner and everyone of them went through had extreme pain in the end.

As you say, it will all work out, it sure will.

Bless You

Kate

Who is getting hurt, His wife, His children, His friends, His extended family and everyone else who thought he was a man of integrity. Infidelity hurts alot of people and the pain is not JUST when it is discovered, the PAIN begins long before that for his wife especially..


The Wife 8 years ago

Kate,

I love what you just said to Strawberry Girl. You are a wonderful person who has great strength in life. You have incouraged me to be a better person. Since I have a husband having an affair as we speak. And he is hurting many people in all of this. I appreciate your advise, and hopefully more will listen to what you said.

That means you Strawberry girl.


Strawberry Girl 8 years ago

Kate,

His wife does know about me. My soon to be ex called her and told her all about it. She found out six months after that that it was still going on when her husband had to tell her because and incident involving the police. She chooses to stay. For now maybe. Forever, could be? For what? I'm not sure. Why does she choose to stay in a marriage that is not working/ The kids, maybe? The house and the money and the fact that she stays home and does not have to work, probably! I know how I sound when I say all the things that WE all say. He loves me, he's my best friend and on and on. I get all that. But he doesn't lie to me. He has told me he does love his wife for the person she is. There is no passion. He has told me she is a great person and mother. He does not speak bad of her. He tells me about their life together. Nothing hidden about that. There are no false promises. No promises for the future. We take it day by day and for now that works. If he told me tomorrow that this couldn't continue, then I walk away. Lesson learned. I cant help that I fell in love with him. It happened it's beautiful. And if it does end he has qualities that I will now look for in a man. All except for the cheating part!! :)

To the wife: why do you stay and what are you doing to fix the problems in your marriage. Is it just easier for you to stay in a marriage that doesn't work or are you afraid of being alone?


Annie C 8 years ago

Well, goodness, Strawberry Girl, why shouldn't your mm's wife stay put? She is, in the words of your mm, "a great person and mother." In case you can not interpret this statement -- it means your mm respects and admires his wife. It also suggests he isn't going to dump her for his latest floozy.

So now you should ask yourself why you're in a relationship with this man. Is it because it's easier to be with someone else's spouse than go through all the pains of finding an available single man? Is it because you're afraid of being alone? Or is it because you covet the opportunity to be a stay at home mom?


The Wife 8 years ago

Ms. Strawberry Girl,

I'm not alone, I have many people in my life. the issue here is that I;m not hurting anybody. I'm not lieing either. And I do not need his MONEY I work, but he chooses to help, he chooses to keep me and OUR Daughter so we may stay in our house.

And as for problems in the marriage thats between me and him.


Strawberry Girl 8 years ago

First and foremost Annie C. I am not his latest floozy. In fact I am not a floozy at all. Just a normal hard working woman raising two beautful grils pretty much on my own. This is the first time he has gone out of the marriage. Yeah I know why should i beleive him? The answer is because he has no reason to lie to me. We are open and honest about everything. Yes maybe he does admire and respect his wife as a person and the mother of his children. But what about passion and love and honesty. When does that stop being important. I dont want to go through life "just living". I want to love completely and give. I want passion. Why do so many people loose themselves in a marriage? Why should you give up who you are and what your really feel? How many marriages stay together because its the "right" thing to do. What is the right thing? I'm with hime because I love him. I fel in love with him for many reasons. Its pretty stupid to say its easier to be with him than find a single guy. Single guys are evrywhere and I'm sure my life would be a lot easier if thats what I had. But the fact of the matter is simply that I love him. And I really dont see that shcnging anytime soon. It gets stronger and better each day. We have an unbelievable conection. We have gon through so much together in the last year an a half and neither one of us has left yet. All I can really say is that I met him eightteen years to late. But I met him and thats what matters. There are reasons things happen. We may not see it right now but some day we will look back at all this and say"oh yeah I get it now."

And to the wife you say you are not lying, you are. To everyone around you by staying married to a man who is probably in love with some one else. And mostl you are lying to yourself and to your daughter. Why do you stay? for the House? And you are right the problems are between you and him. But he chooses to solve them with someone else. Why is he not coming to you to fix the problems in your marriage. You are hurting yourself.


The Wife 8 years ago

Ms. Strawberry Girl,

You are SO WRONG. I'm not lying to anyone, and not my Daughter. I have more support from both sides of Family members. I stay in the HOUSE, because my Daughter deserves to stay with freinds she knows, the same school she has been going to. and blah, blah, blah. And he does not choose to solve his problems with someone else, he talks to me about his problems. And if he does talk to her, or whoever, so what!!!!. the issue here is that girls and yes girls like you need a life. but its your story, you can tell anyway you want. but married men make promises not only to there wifes, but to GOD. and the wheel does turn the other direction. If he's hurting anybody in all of this, its her. she does and will never be me, or have what I have from him. because he CHOOSE to help me & our Daughter.


LondonGirl profile image

LondonGirl 8 years ago from London

Being a short-term affair is one thing, being a long-term mistress is another.

Leaving aside morality, integrity, etc, it's just a bit demeaning. Waiting around for scraps of a man's time, letting him know by your actions that you don't mind being no. 2 in the emotional queue. If the marriage is really that bad, the affair might actually be enabling him to stay in it, rather than encouraging him to fix it or end it.

Back to the ommitted morality and integrity. If a man is unhappy with his other half (or a woman with hers) the honest thing to do is to end it or sort it out. Having an affair over time means a pattern of lying, dishonesty, and damaging of the self. Lying to a person to whom you owe honesty is very damaging to oneself.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

"If the marriage is really that bad, the affair might actually be enabling him to stay in it, rather than encouraging him to fix it or end it."

Very well said, LondonGirl.

Thanks so much for all your awesome comments tonight. I really appreciate it.


Kate 8 years ago

Wife: I am so sorry to hear that your husband is still involved in his affair. How are you doing with all of this? This has to be so very hard on you and your daughter. If I could give you some information to help you through this process, would you be interested? I know the pain is extreme at times and the fear of the unknown. Would you like to know how to over come all of it? I would love to help you, if you feel you could use the help. Let me know.

Strawberry Girl: I truly hope you don't believe you met him 18 years to late, because if you would have met him than and married him, you would be his wife today, and who knows who the mistress would have been, it could of even been his wife. After all, in the beginning of their relationship and I would bet my life on it, she was his soul mate, best friend, greatest woman, love of his life, and so on. Reality sucks, but only the strong can face reality, the weak run from it. Keep that in mind, so if the chance were to ever come that you would be the "winner" in all of this, this weak man at some point down the road, when real life hits again, which it always does, instead of looking to you for help and answers, he'll be looking for the next, best friend, soul mate. I don't believe you are a floozy, not even close, but I truly do believe you are messed up and that your self worth is being attacked everyday. One day your going to look in the mirror and wonder who is looking back at you, when that day comes, please remember this, "Every moment of your life was YOUR choice," blame NO one else for you decisions. I wish you the best that life has to hold, I hope you get there someday. "NOTHING GOOD EVER COMES FROM HURTING OTHERS OR DOING WRONG, PERIOD." Here's one more thing, if you really really do love him, let him go figure out his life, love means doing the right thing always, love means self scrafice sometimes, when you love someone you hold them accountable to do the right things, things that don't hurt their self worth or dignity. If you truly love him send this broken man home and if he truly loves you, he will heal himself and come back to you with a healthy heart and soul.

Bless you all


LondonGirl profile image

LondonGirl 8 years ago from London

My pleasure - I like your writing!


Strawberry Girl 8 years ago

Kate, I absolutely agree with you that most everything thing that has happened in my life is my choice. To a point. There are also things that have happened in my life that where out of my control. But I took control of it and have made things better.I have never in my life blamed anyone for my mistakes and I take full responsability for them. I have never once blamed his wife for any of this. I have never pointed a finger at her and said "if she had only..." As I said before, it has nothing to do with her. As crazy as that sounds. This relationship is about us. He didn't eet out and say "oh let me have an affair today afet eighteen years of marrige." We met, we became friends, confidants and on and on just like all the other stories. It happened. We fell in love There must come a point in most marriages when you hit a rough spot, should you just ignore it and hope it goes away or do you face it and fix it? I think so many women just ignore it and try to pretend that everything is fine and that this is how marriage is suppose to be. I dont agee and I dont buy it. I know that life is not rainbows and roses everday, but when that passion is gone what is left? Dont tell me that this is real life. Its not. God I hope not because if thats all there is than who wants it. Life is suppose to be fun and happiness and waking up to the person next to you and just being completely in love. No bored. Passion and loving completely is real life. Just going through life and loosing yourself is not living. Its sad. I get what you say about if I really love him let him go - I had the poster in my room in my teens- I dont want to let him go. But in fact I did let him go last year, for 7 months, and we are back together stronger than ever. I have never asked him to leave his wife. Would I welcome him in a second if he did? Of course. And I would be willing and ready to deal with all the crazyness that I know would come with it. From both of our family's, friends and co-workers. But I truly believe that we are strong enough to make it work. Together. He doesn't want to hurt his wife an his family. He has done the "right" thing his whole life. What about him and what he wants and makes him happy. He has done so much for others in his life. This affair is not within his character. I think most people would never believe that he is involved with someone outside his marriage. And that is why I feel like this is so real. It is not something that either of us take lightly. We know the hurt it has an will cause people. But it all comes back to the same thing - we love each other too much to walk away from this. Its crazy and it sucks an it hurts but its so real that I cant leave. I wouldn't look at my self as the "winner" if it went that way. I would look at my self as loved and lucky and happy. Winner is not the word, this is not a contest. As I said in my earlier posting if he choose to end this tomorrow then I walk away a better person to have been loved by someone like him. And life goes on. Would I be hurt? Extremely. But I am strong and I would and could move on. I would never forget all that he has taught me about myself and about life. He has made me a better person and he has made me want to be a better person. He keeps me grounded and pretty much sain in my crazy life. He is my best friend. My only fear would be that if I didn't have him I would never find any one like him again. I have been alone before, I know how to take care of my self. Its not about that. I cant help who I fell in love with. I cant change it. It may sound sad to so many people. But I can truly say that in my life time I have never loved someone so completey as I love him. To me its beautiful. And I can't appologize for it and I dont regret it. My intentions were nver to hurt anyone. its not what I want in my life. But I cant change this. And its life and people get hurt. Maybe it will be me. The are no guarantees in life.


LondonGirl profile image

LondonGirl 8 years ago from London

"But the fact of the matter is simply that I love him. And I really dont see that shcnging anytime soon. It gets stronger and better each day. We have an unbelievable conection."

Then why is he still married?

Doesn't it trouble you that the man you love is living a lie, and constantly betraying his own integrity through his dishonesty?

"My intentions were nver to hurt anyone. its not what I want in my life"

In legal terms, we are presumed to intend the probably consequences of our acts. A good ethical rule as well, I think.


Kate 8 years ago

Wife: I just emailed you, thank you so much for giving it to me. I hope you will take me up on my offer, the info I sent you is only for those who truly want help dealing with betrayal: Bless You and Your Daughter

Strawberry Girl: I have reread some of your posts, and I got to thinking, are you looking for someone to tell you why his wife is still with him and hasn't left? If so, she's with him for the exact reasons you are. You know he has a wife, yet you stay, I guess she knows he has a mistress, yet she stays, he must be a great catch. But she also has way more invested there than you do, many more years, she gave her word/promise once and has the integrity to stay strong, I'm sure her words included "through good times and bad times," or "through better and worst" and I'm dang sure this is the worst and if she is still there, she LOVES him and amazingly you said he still LOVES her. Their marriage sounds like to me could become amazing if others would stay out of it. Maybe you should suggest they go to marriage counseling to save their marriage, some marriages after infidelity become the best marriages ever. Just maybe your saving their marriage. Food for thought

Some of what I read from you comes across to me as if you think the wife is responsible to keep her husband happy, is that what you think? That a wife will just put her head in the sand and do nothing when her marriage is falling apart? I think you said "she will ignore it and pretend that every thing is fine." Hummm Maybe he is telling her everything is fine, maybe he still tells her he loves her, I don't know and neither do you, you only know what is being said to you, not her, or how he acts around her. I doubt very much her head is in the sand, he is still going home every night to her and I am pretty sure they have had their moments and if she already knows, than what is he still doing there, he could have left, why didn't he choose to go? OH I bet because she's needy. Strawberry, you are listening to him and you want him to be telling you the truth so bad because he is saying the things you want to hear that you are choosing to believe it and you assume its the truth. Assume is nothing more than making an ASS of U and ME.

"When the passion is gone what is left?" and than "Passion and loving completely is real life?" "Life is suppose to be fun and happiness, waking up with the person you are completely in love with?" Passion has nothing to do with LOVE, LOVE has everything to do with commitment, LOVE has everything to do with Choice, we choose who we love. If you believe that you "fall in Love" than you must believe you "fall out of Love" right? Love is something that comes with time, time together, going through the good moments and the bad together, Love is a multitude of emotions, not a warm, fuzzy feeling. Love isn't that butterfly feeling in the stomach or your every thought throughout the day. Love is not passion, but when you love someone you are PASSIONATE about them and you want the best things in life for them, you want them to do the RIGHT things to better their lives, you cherish them and make sure they stay healthy, mentally and physically, a triangle is not healthy in any way, for anyone including yourself. As a spouse we have to keep our partners accountable to their actions and sometimes that brings arguments and fights and anger, some will LOVE each other through it and grow stronger, some will turn away from each other and stay resentful and grow apart, eventually divorcing. But in most cases, one spouse will try to work through it, try to get the other one to understand they need help, maybe through counseling while the other spouse doesn't believe they need help and refuses to go, so they stay in the anger mode and relieve the anger by finding someone else who will not require them to be responsible, where they don't have to face reality, or their own issues. They can just what: go have fun and be happy, which last how long? Thats not what life is all about, fun and happy. Marriage is a great institution to learn and grow on a personal basis, our partner can teach us alot about ourselves, like patience, our anger, our frustrations, what makes us happy, makes us sad etc...so when one partner stops growing it stale mates both and thats when someone's true character shows. Men or women do not cheat because their partner is the wrong partner, or because their partner didn't do enough for them, or because their partner isn't filling them up with enough praise, they cheat merely because they don't want to stop and look at themselves, their own issues, they don't want to do the HARD work to make their life and their partners life better, they are looking for an easy way out, sad thing is, its not the easy way out, it just makes it more complicated. Now if I have to spell out the complications than this is a sad day. Anyone who has an affair is doing nothing more than running away from their own issues and guess what they just take those same issues to the next person, who is the affair partner and when REAL LIFE happens they will do the same thing, it is in their character, unless or until they decide to stop and look in the mirror and start doing the work required to bring them back to healthy, which is working on their own issues. PERIOD. NOW THIS IS REAL LIFE

I am not trying to be rude here, but I was just wondering how old you are? I think I read where you said your soon to be "ex" told his wife, is that correct? So I guess your soon to be ex is a husband?

You also said that your MM, "has done the right thing his whole life." So I take it that when he married his wife he was doing the right thing, and when he didn't keep his vows, word, promises, he was doing the right thing than to. So when he is with you and the two of you are enjoying each other, yet he is lying to his wife by not telling her he is with you, he is once again, doing the right thing? Okay, now I am totally confused about RIGHT and WRONG. I could be wrong here, but I thought that lying, cheating and breaking promises or your word is just flat wrong. Wow, I was always under the impression that a person who wouldn't lie, steal, cheat and especially kept their word, was a person of integrity, had dignity and self respect, but if I read you right I have that backwards, I am going to have to give this some thought. I've been looking for the wrong kind of man, I guess I should stay with my husband because according to what you said he was doing all the right things. WRONG

Here's just one more thing. If your MM started seeing another woman, would you stay with him? Would you choose to love him through it?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Wife,

Let me know if you would like the comment deleted with your email in it now. (I can't alter comments, I can only "post" or "delete".

V


Strawberry Girl 8 years ago

Kate, I am 39 years old. Not a kid and yes old enough to know better. He is the same age. Also yes, my ex is my soon to be ex-husband. We are in the process of a divorce. I know you are all going to look at this and think you know all the reasons for the divorce or because of my divorce this is why I am with a married man. One does not have anything to do with the other. My ex may not agree, but thats because he thinks he has done no wrong. I must say Kate that you have some very valid points here. I really cant argue with them. And yes I was kind of looking for an answer as to why she stays and what you said made sense. I do get it. I guess we should both be pointing our fingers at him and tell him to fix this mess. All of this aside he truly is a great guy. AS you said a great catch, besides the married part. I sometimes feel like i have corrupted him. But I didn't chase him or seduce him or anything like that. He's an adult and he has made his own decisions. I dont expect to change anyones mind in all of this. And maybe I am looking for someone to tell me that they get it and it will all work out beacuse deep down I know where this will end up an it wont be good. Where ever it does end up I truly mean it when I say he has changed my life for the better, he has helped me so much through this divorce. He knows what he has done for me and I have nor will I ever have any regrets when it comes to him. I love him and I will always have a special place in my heart for him.


brooklyn 8 years ago

Bottom line - don't do it, no matter who or what, its like heroin or drinking too much, even cigarettes. If the man is truly unhappy, this is his problem, we are not in a society or social structure where there are open marriages and relationships or a man has several wives and partners. Most of the time the wife is in denial and this could be you. Think about her, even if she is not perfect. He has to straighten out his own life. These are his problems, not yours. We give too much as women and this is nice but sometimes it is to the wrong guy.

Some men are liars, to get that immediate sex they will say anything and everything and no matter how smart we are, we want to believe it so we do. We're only human, but we must be strong and rise above this ignorant consciousness.

Leave him...walk away like its a drug, get help, don't call, erase all memory, email and phone number. Don't go back, there are other men who will love you and are available. I am convinced this is a sickness and a woman can ruin her life. None of us are perfect, but PLEASE ladies, lets take good care of ourselves, this is a living hell. I just had a very brief taste of it AND I WOULD RATHER BE DEAD THAN GET INVOLVED WITH A MARRIED MAN...WALK AWAY... DISCIPLINE..LEARN THE MAGNIFICENT ART OF NO...SAY GOODBYE...TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF...YOU ARE WORTH IT


The Wife 8 years ago

Dear Veronica,

Yes please.

And thank you


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

You got it babe.


LondonGirl profile image

LondonGirl 8 years ago from London

"It has nothing to do with his wife:Our relationship is about us. Not her or his life with her. It happened and I'm not sure if and when it will end. He is in love with me."

I can't see how it has nothing to do with his wife. He is married to her. He lives with her. He shares his life and (I have no doubt) a sexual relationship with her. Your affair doesn't exist outside his married life, it's part of it.

He may be in love with you, but not enough. He doesn't love you enough to end his current relationship. He doesn't love you enough to stop lying for you. He doesn't love you enough to be a man of integrity and honesty.


strawberry girl 8 years ago

London Girl,

why so angry? Which end of the relationship are you on? Are you the wife or the FORMER girlfriend. Our affair exists in every part of his life.

He loves me enough. That I dont doubt. He doesn't love HER enough to end his relationship with ME. He doesn't love HER enough to stop lying about ME. He doesn't love HER enough to be completely with HER. He makes no excuses. We are in love. And he has no regrets and no guilt. Nor do I. And I can't appologize for that. What we have is real. I understand the reasons he is still with her. They dont need to be explained to you. He is a man of integrity. Dont judge until you have been there.


LondonGirl profile image

LondonGirl 8 years ago from London

"why so angry? Which end of the relationship are you on? Are you the wife or the FORMER girlfriend. Our affair exists in every part of his life."

I'm not at all angry. I am neither a betrayed wife or partner, nor have I ever had an affair with a committed man.

" He is a man of integrity."

A man of integrity chooses.


Lisa 8 years ago

I had an on-off affair with a very manipulative married man for 3 years. I'm not excusing my behavior at all, and I feel really horrible now about his wife. But he kept telling me his marriage was a sham, he was going to end it etc. etc. and I stupidly believed him. Eventually I realized he was lying about that as well as everything else, so I ended it for good and cut him out of my life completely. He plagued me for a while with texts, calls, emails etc. I was really tempted to answer but I was strong and ignored every attempt he made to contact me. After a couple of months he gave up trying.

It was the best decision I ever made. I hadn't realised how much it had destroyed my self-confidence and self-respect until I was away from the situation. I now feel really sorry for his wife and thank god I didn't end up with him permanently. I'm now properly single and able to date single guys that aren't serial liers and don't have a ton of baggage, and it's so much better. I'm only sorry I wasted 3 years on that loser. I will NEVER get involved with a married man again.

I appreciate there are some cases where a man is genuinely unhappy, falls in love with someone else and they end up together. But I think this would happen in a fairly short timeframe. I'm convinced any man who drags an affair out for years has no intention of leaving his wife.

Apparently the guy I was seeing is now having an affair with someone else... Hope she dumps him, and hope his wife eventually sees him for what he is, gets out of the marriage and screws him for every last cent she can get...


Lisa 8 years ago

I had an on-off affair with a very manipulative married man for 3 years. I'm not excusing my behavior at all, and I feel really horrible now about his wife. But he kept telling me his marriage was a sham, he was going to end it etc. etc. and I stupidly believed him. Eventually I realized he was lying about that as well as everything else, so I ended it for good and cut him out of my life completely. He plagued me for a while with texts, calls, emails etc. I was really tempted to answer but I was strong and ignored every attempt he made to contact me. After a couple of months he gave up trying.

It was the best decision I ever made. I hadn't realised how much it had destroyed my self-confidence and self-respect until I was away from the situation. I now feel really sorry for his wife and thank god I didn't end up with him permanently. I'm now properly single and able to date single guys that aren't serial liers and don't have a ton of baggage, and it's so much better. I'm only sorry I wasted 3 years on that loser. I will NEVER get involved with a married man again.

I appreciate there are some cases where a man is genuinely unhappy, falls in love with someone else and they end up together. But I think this would happen in a fairly short timeframe. I'm convinced any man who drags an affair out for years has no intention of leaving his wife.

Apparently the guy I was seeing is now having an affair with someone else... Hope she dumps him, and hope his wife eventually sees him for what he is, gets out of the marriage and screws him for every last cent she can get...


LondonGirl profile image

LondonGirl 8 years ago from London

Glad to hear you are now feeling happier and more in control of your life! Hope you are meeting lots of nice, single men!


G-LO 8 years ago

veronica I came acroos the your site my goolge, I have been in moarning or at least that what it feels like, his wife found out and on week he is talking about us being together and the next week he is telling me she is going to give him a second chance, i work with him and I thought i loved him so much i have not been with my huband for about one year now, i am off work for three weeks I am so depressed and on medication, how do I let this bastard gooooooooi i call him at work just to see how he is doing how lame is that? help anybodymove on.


Ocean girl 8 years ago

Dear Veronica, I recently googled the subject of why men have affairs and found this hub. I've read this whole thing


Ocean girl 8 years ago

Dear Veronica, I recently googled the subject of why men have affairs and found this hub. I've read it and would like some advice. I've been having an affair with a married man for 3 years. I'm divorced after a very bad marriage and do not want to get emotionally involved in a relationship. I don't expect this man to leave his wife nor do I want him to. We see each other about once a week and that's enough. I've asked him why he has strayed outside of his marriage and he says because he and his wife are no longer happy but neither want to end the marriage. While I'm OK with his not wanting more from me in this relationship, I do feel bad for his wife and for what I'm doing to her if she indeed isn't unhappy in their marriage. I care about him, I'm not in love though. He meets my basic needs and truly does care about me. I'd like to end it because of the guilt I feel, but we work in the same department together (neither one of us can transfer departments) and I see him every day. I know I'd miss him if we ended the affair because I've done that once before. Any suggestions?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Ocean Girl,

Since you specifically asked for it, here's my advice. (I wouldn't have offered it otherwise.) 

End it. 

The self-serving things like that this meets your needs never outweigh what you're putting out there, and will absolutely come back to you three fold. If he and his wife are unhappy then he should be spending his time and energy either repairing their relationship or figuring out how to end. Spending time deceiving his wife, lying, cheating, and selfishly serving his own needs makes him no man at all, just a coward.

Don't be a party to it. Stop inviting and attracting deception and lies into your future by putting this out there into the universe. Anyone who tells you differently is lying, to you and to themselves.

Be better. Good luck to you.


hana 8 years ago

veronica u r so right about those women sleeping with married men!! gross!!


Maria 8 years ago

It's been six years and I finally have had enough of this crap. All the broken promises, disappointments and waiting on the sidelines for "OUR" life to start. Sat him down, told him to call a divorce attorney or else I walk. "YOU After all the times I was told we'd be together after such and such date


maya the mistaker (once) 8 years ago

I had a rel w/a married man until two weeks ago for about a month, it's short but nonetheless a bit painful. I've never loved anyone like I loved him, at least that's what I thought ... I just felt that he was made for me and I was made for him, we were so compatible in everyway except that he's married. That's the truth. LOL.

I wasn't used to seeing married men at all. In the beginning he had a lot of time to spent with me and me the dumbass had this perception that he was just one of the single men I've been dating, until one day he had to cancel our meeting short bec of family function, I just went ballistic (this was one week into our affair). I thought he was cheating on me with his wife. That made me physically sick. I let him know, "I ain't playing second string to anyone .." I'd had worked so hard hard to build my self esteem thru out my life and Im not gong to let anyone take it away from me. I went ballistic one more time with him before we broke up, he said I wore him out. It ended after a month (we did a lot of things in a month, he was fast...) which was two weeks ago.

Letting go is a process, I'm at a point now thinking "What the hell was I thinking". It's a live and learn experience. If I had not gone thru it I would be wondering how it's like to have a just a sexual relationship without any emotional attachment, I found fast that I could'nt do it. I like to apologize to his daughters, but not to his wife. She has a predisposition of an enabler (she has 2 degrees but refused to work, and and one of the two kids about to leave for college, they aren't babies anymore), anyway they two deserve each other. He doesn't have to leave his wife for me !!!!!!

Thanks so much Veronica, you have no idea how much you have helped me go thru this dumb mess and so many others in much worse situations. Im just learning about life. God bless you.


TravelMonkey profile image

TravelMonkey 8 years ago from United Kingdom

Great hub and advice Veronica


Ashley Monique profile image

Ashley Monique 8 years ago from Alabama

Hey Veronica! You spoke the absolute truth! I will be returning to read your blogs..so interesting. Hey feel free to read my blogs too. Take care!


wastedkisses69 8 years ago

You know what I have read the comments and How everyone seems to come down so hard on the other women. And I am actually speaking from both ends of the spectrum. It's not one sided for me. True we may be wrong for sleeping with married men but that alone hardly makes us whores. Especially if its our first affair. We are human just like everyone else and we make mistakes. No one is perfect. We should leave them alone I agree totally but the poor little wife you talk about isn't always so poor and pathetic like most of you would like to believe. I know I knew her personally and it seems like she was the gold digging bitch you portray us all to be. I never asked him for anything. And I was never trying to get him to leave her ass she seems to have done a good job at that all on her own. They have had problems for years per his mother, sister,and brothers telling me so. And she herself openly bosted about the money she would get out of the life insurance policy once he died. Yeah thats a good wife she sounds like a keeper. I have broken it off with this man about 2 months ago and he still texts and talks to me everyday. But as far as an affair between us there isn't one cause he is a liar and a cheater and I decided he was not the one for me. Not to mention numerous other women he openly sees in public and his wife is well aware but why does she take her self thru this? He has had her served with divorce papers which she wont sign and openly states its because of the money she will lose if she does . . . and oh that she loves him too. lol. Yeah right. He used both of us and everyone else he is involved with as well. Sounds like to me the bad guy here is him not the women.


maya the mistaker 8 years ago

Dear wastedkisses 69,

I believe things happen for a reason if we are willing to learn from it. I don't regret the kisses or the love that we made, I just regret having anything romantic thing to do with a married person. I believe the kisses aren't actually wasted, dear wastedkisses 69, that's just my take ...

I went to see a family therapist to figure things out and one thing that this affair clarified for me is that I am really beyond having children. I'd always felt ambivalent about it for years. It's clear now that I do not want to have any. The MM I dated wasn't able to have children anymore and that was just so fine with me, I was happy with just having him without any children together potentially between us.

Secondly this affair helped me figure out the kind of men that suit me better. Now I see that I do much better with generally single fathers than single men without children. A single father tend to be more selfless and caring, which is the main character trait that made me fall in love with the married man.

Lastly dear wastedkisses 69, like Isabella Snow writing the first comment in here, married men have issues. The will entangle any women involving with them in their mess and their confusion, immaturity, selfishness, insecurities, self indulgence, emotional problems, financial problems, etc. Like we don't have any problems of our own already ...

Much luck dear. Like Dr. Phil said, choose the behavior, choose the consequence.


mytreasure07 8 years ago

you weren't only speaking to "lonely", but me as well. I needed to hear that. I have been telling myself the same things and yet continue to struggle with ending the affair that I'm in. The last year in this affair have been a mad roller coaster...And I'm ready to get off! Thank you Veronica :)


Kate 8 years ago

Dear Wastedkisses69;

If you truly read all the posts on here, somehow you skipped mine. I did not put down the other woman. I am a betrayed spouse. Married 18 years and betrayed the entire time. A serial cheater to be honest. Allot of men are serial cheaters, and even if you believe you are the one and only, there most likely have been more, you just don't know. But the woman is not the only one to blame. Like Maya the Mistaker in quoting Dr. Phil. That is a very true statement. Go back and read my posts, it may just explain why wives stay with their husbands, even when life gets tough.

Go to sexaddicts.com, read the blogs their on betrayed spouses and really feel their pain. He files for a divorce and she won't sign, read the laws, there are still ways for him to get a divorce, thats a cop out.

I am sorry you found yourself in such bad relationship. But come on any man who will cheat, once or multiple times, will do it again, it is in their core character.

Some men are in way worse relationships than your man was and they don't cheat, lie, steal time from themselves or their mate. They work through it, or try, and if it still doesn't work get a divorce before moving on.

We are women, we are smarted than this. Come on. Get honest, there was something in this relationship for you and that is the reason you let it happen, than when it turned out bad, you got hurt, angry, resentful, but in the end, it was YOUR CHOICE.

Lets keep it real here. When you know someone is married, before you get involved, make them end the other relationship and put you number one, or yet be smarter, DON'T GET INVOLVED.


Dominica 8 years ago

What is wrong with you people? I think you all just enjoy the drama in our lives and cannot survice without it! Find single men!! Pathetic!


Upset 8 years ago

I was involved with a man for 2 months. As of 2 weeks ago he came clean and told me the truth. He is married. Let me tell you... it hurt me bad. I stopped seeing him. I had no idea that he was married. We would go out in public like any normal couple. Until, 3 weeks ago. Thats when things did'nt seem right between us. Naturally, I talked to him about it which ended up into a heated discussion. Naturally the BS came up about "how bad his relationship was".. etc.. etc... I did'nt except it, cus I believe... if it was all that bad, he would have had the smarts to make arrangements to end the relationship without hurting the wife or hurting the other women. I am not judging anyone for being in a married affair, yet... it is our choice, and it is our mistakes that makes us realize what we deserve out of life. I am not a perfect person, and have never been in a relationship knowing that the man was married. One thing I know, is that, I don't deserve a married man. I own 2 homes... a single parent of 1 teenage boy, with a career that will set me up financially well into my retirenment years. Now, why do I wanna waist my time on a man that cannot be true to himself? Nonetheless the people that come or are in his life? Further more, why should I support his butt after the wife takes every cent from him after the divorce? I don't, Do you?

Things happen for a reason. It's life.... that's how the world works now days. But, it's an individual choice as how you make your life. I choose not to go that route, I choose single men, that don't have Drama. I don't regret how this turned out, it was fun while it lasted. Although, I will screne the next man that comes into my life, a whole lot more than I did this man.

He still calls and sends me text's. He try's every which way to make contact with me, but, I just ignore the calls or I avoid the whole situation in itself. So, all of you men/women that are in an affair with a married person..... you deserve better. Look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself... "Do I deserve this sh*t?" obviously, you don't. Most married people who have affairs have major issues... now, those issue's will become your issues if you choose to stay in the relationship. Do you want that for yourself? I sure don't. Please don't be upset about what I wrote... I just want all of you to know that there is alot of fish out in the sea... alot of nice men/women in this world. We all deserve better than 2nd string. I preferr to be 1st string. Like we all should be.

I am not dating right now, I chose to relax a bit. Although, I have been asked out more than enough times. It's real tempting too. Not that I don't want to date because of what this man did.... I am being real selective... Im just checking out the scenery and Im enjoying every bit of it.

So, all of you men/women that are going thru this.... move on and get out of it... Just walk away. Alot of times.... It's best to just do that, don't even talk about it.. it won't help one bit. Just walk, ignore the call's, avoid the whole contact thing. If that invidual becomes a problem (psycho) , file charges with your local Police Department. Move on and let the healling proccess begin... You will come out the winner and start living life again to the fullest. You are much stronger than you think. Thanks for letting me share this with you all, and good luck to those that are having a hard time dealling with your situation.


longlost 8 years ago

Hi everyone - I am involved with my high school sweatheart. We dated on and off for 5 years. My parents were not crazy about him at the time. He was the love of my life and we broke up because of my parents. He was so torn up about it that he left our hometown. Well he came back 6 months ago and within one month we were back together. Hadn't seen him in 15 years. I was getting divorced already - he was and still is miserably married. We both just broke it off because he needs to get his head together and wants to figure things out. We are both 40 years old now. He wants to leave her - I am torn because divorce is a nightmare and I love him so much I almost don't want him to go through with it. We both want to be together. Having met him at 15 and still so many years later being so in love is very powerful and hard to fight. I am leaving him alone so he can sort it out. I feel my situation is different because we share so much history and mutual friends. Any thoughts would be appreciated.


maya the mistaker 8 years ago

'I am leaving him alone ...' I like this decision that you made. It's right on. Ultimately you would want him to leave the marriage because of him and not because of you (eventhough you would want him to).

Yeah your situation is different since you knew each other since you're very young, but the issue remains similar to other issues that people have come in here to respond, you're unfortunately involved w/someone married. Just leave him alone (I really like and admire you for doing this cause it's not easy!), start dating and opening your heart to other single men. Come back to him when he's no longer attached and see if you still feel the same for him the way you do now. Please don't wait for him while he's getting his act together, it's not easy I have been thru it, but please get busy and live.


sickntired profile image

sickntired 8 years ago

Ok first of all I would like to say something to these angry wives. You can call us whores, homewreckers or whatever...but the truth is you can't beat us up no more than we have been beating ourselves up. And what kind of satifaction are you really getting here. Name calling and critizing is not going to change the facts. Number 1-you married a cheating dog 2. no matter anyway you look at it, he will cheat again and again 3. Hello are we living on planet Earth here? Cheating is been going on since the beginning of time. And I see the blame always being placed on "the other woman" but all situations are not the same. Some MM don't disclose their marital status until the relationship gets so deep and their guilt starts to eat away at them that they do drop the bomb on us. I'm not saying that we are not at fault for this, but we are not at fault entirely. I do believe that some of you married women are in "denial" and don't want to believe that the man you share your bed with is also in the beds of several others. You place the blame on us, and they escape it free and clear which gives them the security to do it again. Why? The explaination is simple: THEY GOT AWAY WITH IT. In my opinion, if your man is notorious for cheating and you keep forgiving him what makes you think your ANY better than us "homewreckers" because you are just as guilty for contributing to his behavior as well. You can't expect the "the other woman" to carry the burden of her actions and his too....that's dumb. He made those vows to you, not us. Besides some of us feel the guilt much greater than you think.


MICHELLE ballroom 8 years ago

hi i'm new to this site i recently found out my husband was having an affair with a female colleuge which i thought was a nice person as she broke her marriage off about a year ago with her husband then went after mine my marriage was on the rocks the love wasn't there like it wsa no communication and not much happiness there either,i found an old high school crush on the internet and started talking to him a lot he relit the flame inside that i thought could not be relit he made me feel a like someone that deserves things this went on for six weeks we never saw each other as he worked in sydney and i'm in melb and now he is in new york working which is fantastic we still talk which is good and my husband knows about him and nothing happened,my husband is a very jelous person couldn't handle me talking to an old friend which is all he is,then just over a month ago work had a mystery tour on and i thought here's my chance to find out if there is anything going on between these 2 1st sign was they didn't talk much which as far as i'm concerned they were friends so they should have talked heaps and she played that sugarland song stay and i thught hang on a second she wants him there is something going on here and i wantes the truth whhich he was weak couldn't tell me but i found out they were doing something but wasn't sure how far they went at that stage theyu said it was just kissing and cuddling so i thought ok decide what u want me or her he chose me and he stayed then all the friends got involved texting me and him then 2 weeks later the whole truth cam,e out they slept together twice and i thought how can i get through this as we have 2 girls together we r still working on our marriage i hope he doesn't do this to me again because that will be the end.he lied to me our friends which they are dissapointed with him that he has lied to them but she didn't think there was anything wrong with the lies u don't lie to friends and expect them to be happy with him i don't know can any one give me any advice to get over this hurdle for me myself now i am a stronger person then what i have ever been thanks for reading what i had to say michelle


premidlife 8 years ago

I'm 31 years old. I wars raised privileged. I meet my husband when I was 17 and have been married for 13 years. He is the "perfect man" successful, attentive, humble, sweet, handsome, and was a minister. We had the perfect marriage, the type you only see in TV. I started working after 6 years of being the perfect suburban mom, exemplary to our spiritual community . I fell BIG time for my boss, a man who is an ex-Marine, completely opposite of my husband, not handsome, not romantic, not mannered, and 14 years older than me. I made the first move and initiated an affair. I started changing, coming home late, drinking, smoking, going out with the girls, and dressing very provocative. I'm 5'1, 123lb, smart, and bodily gifted .. guys coming on to me was old and not a new thing. I never even thought I would actually consider this but it happened.I'm not experienced in this matter and couldn't separate sex from emotions. My husband shortly found out. He was devastated. He forgave me. I didn't tell him the WHOLE story ( I left out the SEX part of it). He gave up his ministry because he no longer felt deserving. His wife also found out do to my inability to lay low. She forgave him as well although he denied everything. I must admit most of you will think I'm stupid, but I just don't know what I'm doing. He was never flattering or romantic, initially for him it was just about sex, although towards the end he started to open up and say he loved me. Soon after our spouses found out he resigned from the company. To make a long story short. It's been three months since he left. I have not heard from him since. On his last day, as I was emailing him about "US" , he calls and says..Stop I'm not on the computer it's my wife your talking to, it was to late, she got confirmation. I was frustrated so I told him it was over, I was tired of all this lying and hiding. He said ok, and we hanged up. We had already had this conversation many time before, but always found ourselves back together. Well now I'm goggling him, driving by his house, I have become a stalker..with no intentions of harming him or his family, but with this overbearing need to get closure and talk to him. I have followed him around but have never been able to make contact since his wife seems to be with him 24/7. What is worst is that I kind of feel he knows I'm stalking him. How embarrassing !! I don't know why I'm behaving this way. I need help. My husband has hit rock bottom with just the thought that his perfect, spiritual, wife would even think of such a thing. He hasn't been able to get over the whole thing an we are in the verge of getting a divorce. My husband is truly a great man, but I fell out of love. I feel I'm chasing after the impossible and the complete WRONG. This new man is not in any way better than my husband, so why...why am I doing this? My whole life revolves in thinking about him, and feeling defenseless, since I have no communication with him. I have tried to call him using other phones, but he simply wont pickup. He doesn't love his wife and always made it known to everyone he was in it for the baby. He seemed sincere when he said he loved me. He was living a sex less marriage. So why isn't he looking for me. Why have I become this person I don't know. I'm hurting those I love. I know that I would never leave my family for him ..I can't my kids wouldn't understand and I wouldn't ever give them another father. So why do I have this need of him. I feel I love him and can't breath without him. I need him yet I know this can't lead anywhere... how ..how do I get over this ..close this chapter of my life and focus on my family and becoming what we once where? Please if anyone can help I need advice. I talked to a co-worker today and she mentioned how he had told her how unhappy he was in his marriage and how it was his daughter that kept them together, (there were no intentions toward her trust me) well, this makes it worst. It's just more confirmation to me that he really didn't love his wife, and did or does feel something for me. I'm so lost. I have this need to just sit in my car around the block from his house hopping he will go out alone and I can approach him. I'm just a wreck. I can't stop. Yet if my husband finds out I'm doing this or the feeling I have of him, this will hurt him even more. I don't want to hurt him anymore he doesn't deserve that! I dream about my ex lover smell him and breath him. There isn't a moment of the day I don't think about him and how I could have been more careful to maintain this affair,,,,,but even that is wrong. Adultery is never acceptable. Please advise..


rmansillaofstamford 8 years ago

Wow, I thought I was different, my married man my was son's baseball coach. I approached him, just to see if I had it, my husband was deported and I was in need for some real attention if you know what I mean. He went right for it, he claimed he was not happy in his marriage, and that his wife no longer loved him. She is a real succuessful investment banker, and he was just a courier. I thought I was more his equal. At first we just started exchanging calls and texts, and then I started sending him naked pictures (just saying it at loud makes me fel dirty). Then it turned into a full blown affair. He tried to end it on several occassions, however that made me want him more. I even quit my job so we could have more time together. Now my home is in foreclosure. When his wife finally found out about it, she kicked him out and then I thought I had him for good. But while he was with me, he was now depressed and sad. He convinced his wife to take him back and now wants nothing to do with me... how could I be so stupid, and to make matters worse, he has told my wife about me (they live right down the street) and know I am afraid to go out of my house, because I do not know what his wife is capableof doing. I have even sent my kids to live with my hisband in Guatemela because I am so afraid. So before starting a relationship with a married man please read this and beware!!!


Tina 8 years ago

All single women should keep their hands off married men. Where are your morals!!! My husband had an affair and are trying to get past it. The damage that women like that cause is not funny. Yah he should have remembered he was marries. She kept making sure to be in his sight and played on his good heartednes. FIND A MAN OF YOUR OWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


MICHELLE ballroom 8 years ago

tina i have to agree with you these single women need to leave married men alone.AND I MEAN ALONE.it is hard to get past sometimes.


Strawberry Girl 8 years ago

To Michelle an Tina,

are you ladies really that niave to think that it is the "other women" who is doing the chasing? Before you attack us why don't you put the blame on the man that took the vows with you. He made promises to you, we didn't. Are you really that naive to think that your husband is a victim of "the other women". Because your husband is "good hearted" he cheated on you! Come on grow up and put he blame where it belongs. Most of the time its the mas who is coming on to and after the "other women". Take a look at your self also and a long hard look at your marriage and ask the true questions as to why your husband, the man who made promises to YOU made the CHOICE to cheat on you. Nobody is coherced into an affair. It happens when two adults make a decision to "go there". If you beleive any thing but that you need to be educated. Stop blaming everyone else for your problems, face them and fix them or leave!


MICHELLE ballroom 8 years ago

to strawberry girl in my case it was the other woman who chased my husband as she was stalking him and didn't give up she wanted him more than he wanted her and it just happened it's not always the husbands fault to cheat the other woman does have a lot to do with the affairs to so you shouldn't always blame the wives to why our husbands cheat there a lot off reasons why it happens vunrablitly is a big thing in my case he was very confused with life at the time so i stick to my word single women need to find single men.


sickntired profile image

sickntired 8 years ago

Well thats not the point Strawberry was making Michelle....and as being suckered into an affair that I knew nothing about the mans marital status until it was too late thats the point were making here. They are just as liable for chasing as the "other woman" is.I was in both situations my ex husband was having one night stands with women and they knew nothing about me and vice versa. So before you ladies actually know the facts and have concrete proof you have to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. And yes I will admit that they are some serial cheaters out there and some of us end up marrying them...no doubt!!!! Not saying cheating is right, but we sometimes get ourselves in situations we know shouldn't be. But like Strawberry was saying, you really don't know a person no matter how long of marriage and what he says....actions do speak louder than words and if you really want to ever see what some men are capiable of doing keep after your man quit back sliding, or they will take you for a ride.


MICHELLE ballroom 8 years ago

to sickandtired

she did know that my husband was married and yes i do understand that some women don't know that these men are married i fully understand that don't get me wrong,you might think i'm nieve but i'm not really as i said when someone ias vunrable they are at the most not thinking straight you would have to agree with that we are all human and sometimes our feelings and our thoughts arn't always the right thing to do.but when you know someone meaning the other woman and she knows that you exist then she should back off.because she knows exactly what she is doing.


DrFinny profile image

DrFinny 8 years ago

Somehow it still amazes me that people seem to neglect the simplest and most basic fact behind affairs. If you are cheating, you are looking for something you aren't getting; either sex or emotional attention. OF COURSE the affair is going to be all good times and fun, why would you continue if it wasn't? If your married man is so romantic and sensitive and special, why can't he fix his marriage? While you are cheating, you are both getting only the best of the other, not the drama, not the down times. IF, big if, someone actually leaves their spouse for you, eventually, 'life' will catch up to you both, and it wont be all fun and games. And round two of the cheating will begin.

And whats with you "victim" wives? I do feel for you being cheated on, and I would never try to justify the behavior, but.....When the first reaction I hear is how 'she' is a whoe, and a slut etc., I am inclined to believe you lack some self esteem. Remember, these guys are lying (to you AND to her), she is being told whatever will make her think that an otherwise wrong liason is ok. Why is he looking? Why is he unhappy? You cannot convince me that each and every wife concerned was the perfect woman. First thing you need to do is blame your man. THEN you need to look at yourself. The other woman is really inconsequential in the big picture of things. Getting bitter and vindictive actually sounds a bit like your way of dealing with being jealous. Thats often what it is right? I mean, she DID offer him something that you didn't.

The other self esteem issue I saw was the commenter who had already been living paycheck to paycheck with four kids. WHAT THE FUCK? Dont people ever consider the cost of kids? maybe you shouldn't have had four of them in a situation that was so tight. Mmaybe instead of staying home, you could have worked to help bring in income. And the second you tell me how hard that is to do with kids, I fall back on the "why did you keep having them" question. Its sad to me that you let yourself get totally dependant on someone like that. Again, im not saying you deserved to be left, but what the hell were you bringing to the relationship besides another child every couple years?

Veronica, the truth hurts, and you do a fine job of dishing it out. Some posts made me sad, but most made me sick. You have a new fan in me.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Dr Finny,

I'm sorry I made ya sick, glad I have a fan in you, and grateful for the very constructive feedback. I really don't mean to make people sick, I really mean to make them think. think about reality before having kids, before getting married, before having an affair. Life can be hard, but entering into life-altering commitments without thinking them through wisely makes them even harder.

I'm enjoying your HUB Tips for dating a single dad. very well done!

http://hubpages.com/relationships/Tips-for-dating-...


Humiliated Rose 8 years ago

So Humiliated

I had an affair with one of my co-workers for six years. He is married and has been for 24 yrs; I am married and have been for 22 yrs. I trusted this man, he was my friend. I did anything and everything for him. (Emails, pictures and even the way I was dressing sometimes, was because that is the way he wanted me.)

It all started out as a game. I didn’t think that I was going to get attached. He would call me all the time and have me meet him either at the boat dock or under a bridge. He would meet me at my best friend’s house. He would have drinks with me and my friends, just so that he could be near me. My best friend has seen all of this. There was a time that I was at my best friend’s house sitting on the front porch, when he came over and sat in front of me and stuck his hand up my skirt. Then there was another time when we were at work. My best friend and I were sitting at the picnic table when he came over and sat next to me and stuck his hand up my skirt. Every time that we have been together it has been only for an hour or two. He always started things, I never initiated anything, it was always his doing.

What I don’t understand is, I thought he cared about me, from what he told me. But then I found out from my best friend that he kept telling her that I would not leave him alone, I was psycho and that nothing was going on between us. Well she found out different. She knew that everything he was telling her were lies.

Finally about a year ago I finally told him that I was done. He would still manage to call or email me. Stupid me, would always reply, only because I cared about him a lot.

Three weeks ago he called me because he knew that I was down in the dumps. So he asked me to meet him at the boat dock. I asked him if he really wanted me to meet him there, he said yes. So stupid me, met him there. We talked, had a few drinks, when he started to mess with me. Only this time I would not allow it.

Then about two weeks ago on Thursday I asked him for some advice, he told me to call him later that night. I called him later that night to talk to him about my son. He then proceeds to inform me that one of the guys at the office had questioned him on what was going on between him and the receptionist. So I told him that I had heard the same thing, but I had not said anything to him about it because he always gets mad at me. I told him then, I didn’t care what he did. It was none of my business. He then told me not to trust anyone at work. My comment back to him was “does that include you as well?” He replied with, I have never burned you have I? I said NO, because I wanted to believe him.

Three days later, he is not talking to me; he has his new click of friends not speaking to me. HE has run me down to them, especially the one that I had told him about that they were talking about. Needless to say he’s told them that I was the one spreading rumors about them, because I have this infatuation with him. Then I find out by someone else, that they are mad at me because of a phone call that was made to the receptionist husband. I did not make the call. Then supposedly there was a letter that was mailed to her husband as well, that I have no clue about either.

I wished that the person that had told me about them having an affair did not tell me. I suspected it. It was obvious. He was treating her the same way he was treating me while we were having our affair. HE meets her on breaks, he brings her drinks and candy, and he meets her for drinks. HE used to do all of this with me, but yet he tells her and their click of friends, that I am psycho and I am after him. That he is not having an affair. HE is, and he knows I know, but he wants me to think that they are not. Again, I don’t care. But like I said, now he has everyone against me, because of his stupid lies. HE is a liar, a manipulator, womanizer, and pervert. He has everyone fooled that he is this nice and caring person, hell he had me fooled as well, but not NO more.

So for the past week I have felt humiliated, run down and degraded because of him, and I have everyone mad and upset with me because of his lies. I don’t think that he would know the truth if it slapped him in the face. What should I do? My Best Friends is also trying to help me. She keeps telling me to just leave everything alone, that it will subside. I just dont know how I can do it. He has hurt me one to many times.

Confused and Humiliated,


LoLa 8 years ago

You know this is all ridiculous..everyone wants to tell the single woman how stupid she is...is this a joke? get real..all you married women whom have been cheated on are bitter..but in most cases you knew what type of man you had in the beggining and now wanna act "brand new" . get a grip. Secondly he is the one who is married..NOT her..he took those VOWS..not her..its such a freaking cop out because society blames the single lady and the married loser is forgetten about..get a grip everyone. and I don't feel sorry for his wife? what for? She knows what the hell type of man she has..its called a womans intuition.


just me 8 years ago

Dear Rose,

Live well, and enjoy your life with your friends. This will pass, people do not have the time, or energy, to drell on him or you.

So enjoy your life, and do it well!


Kate 8 years ago

I am not doing this fighting, blaming thing, it is ridiculous and get us NO where. I am a cheated on wife, and I did not know who I married. Believe what you want. Trust me, they lie to the OW and they lie to the wife. But any woman who gets involved with a man she knows is married, gets what ever she gets. The wife is an innocent victim, there is nothing she could ever do or say that could make a man have an affair, period....because he has the option of leaving the marriage first. Not happy, leave. Simple.

Anyway, on we go: Any wife who has been cheated on and wants to heal, go to: www.healingheartswithhope.blogspot.com, read the comments there, than go to the Harboring Hope link and listen to the downloads, they are really good and can help you on your journey to healing.

If some of you OW want to go read, go, enjoy. Get to know the pain that is caused in someone else's life by allowing a married man to use you, or love you without conditions. If he loves YOU, he will leave his wife.


MICHELLE ballroom 8 years ago

i'm not someone who feels sorry for her self as it has made me wake up to what i have and to work harder for because in life and marriage we all get lazy and don't try.thats why our husbands cheat some don't like what us wifes have become over the years i'm glad things didn't get to the stage off breaking with my husband.my marriage is a lot stronger and better for him having the affair and as painful as it is to admit it i have this woman to thank for what she did she brought him back to life and thats a good thing.now life is good and she has moved on with someone else who isn't married with luck and good luck to her thanks sam for what u did for our marriage if u read this life is better.for all these other wifes out there if there is no communication your marriage is simply going to over it's hard to work it out how really imoportant it is but if you don't have that as a starting point then it is simply over.

i am a cheated wife and my hsband isn't proud off what he and this woman did but at the end off the day she gave him something he wasn't getting from me .we are not perfect in our life no one is but we need to look at why our husbands cheat on us and try fixing it thats all we can do if it's to far gone then there is not much we can do.so thank-you again for reading my words.


Gail  8 years ago

Michelle, I hope it works out for you. It didn't for me. My husband blamed me for his affair and just like you, I felt that I had some part in his cheating so I forgave him, gave him another chance, never threw it in his face and started concentrating on him. I asked myself what benefits the OW gave him that I wasn't giving him because of the daily chores of taking care of kids, going to work, cleaning the house, etc. Looking back on it, boy, did he have it made after I discovered his affair. I never bitched at him to pull his weight around the house because I told myself that our marriage was more important than the house, even though I may have been tired, I was always ready to have sex with him, I gave him space so that he didn't feel trapped and I, like you felt that our marriage had become stronger after all the pain his affair had caused. I wasn't worried that he'd leave me for the OW because I knew the statistics that married men will not leave their families for some pathetic woman who can't get a single guy to pay attention to her and are so desperate for a man that they say yes to the married guy's advances. One of the conditions of me giving him another chance was that he never talk to the OW again but I knew that he would continue to see her if he thought I would never find out. Fortunately, I was friends with my husband's secretary and she told me how it all went down at work. He pretty much just ignored her and she made a fool of herself trying to get him to go back to the way things were between them (going out to lunch, she driving him to the Bart, etc.) Apparently, it was quite the scandal at his work while the affair was going on. I feel that she deserved what she got. But then, what I feared might happen if I gave him another chance happened again so I threw him out. I'm sure he would have dumped this OW too but I realized he wasn't worthy of me. He proved to me that he was not the man I thought I had married. Faithfulness and honesty is very important to me and when we married, he had convinced me that he was this type of man or I would never have dated him or married him for that matter. But he fooled me and he fooled the OW. After he left, I found all the women he had been chatting with on-line and seeing on the internet. I knew the OW would believe that he left me for her but I no longer cared because I had lost all my respect for him. As for the OW, the last time I saw him, he told me that he'd broken up with her because she wanted a committed relationship and he told her he wasn't ready to settle down with anyone after being married for so long. Karma's a bitch. This is the lesson for those women who go after married men. These men just want variety. You are just the first one on their list no matter what they say to you or what they say about their wives. I know Karma will get him too one day for all the pain he's caused. As for me, I'm trying to spot those mid-life crisis guys so that I don't end up falling for another pig who can't keep his dick in his pants. Does this make me bitter? I don't think so. It makes me angry that I wasted all this time on someone like him. The first question I ask a man who's interested in me is why their marriage failed. The moment they tell me that they were bored or the magic had gone out of their marriage, I move on. There are too many men out there to waste my time on a male slut and I would never cause another woman the pain I felt by having an affair with a married man. I look down on married men who are trying to pick up on me and I tell them to their faces what I think of them. Married men cheat because they can because some married women allow it and because there are plenty of desperate women out there who settle for being the OW because they can't get a single guy for themselves. No, it wasn't me. I was a great wife. I kept myself up, I'm very attractive, intelligent, I'm an engineer, I'm a lot of fun to be around and I don't have a problem with men being attracted to me. Yet my husband cheated, just like David Duchovney cheated on Tia, just like Christie Brinkley's husband cheated on her and just like John Edwards cheated on his wife who has cancer. These men are all pigs and the desperate women who date them deserve what they get.


CrazyLady 8 years ago

Well it finally happened my great friend in which I was having awesome sex with got caught ..... all because of me and a stupid text message i sent him. Feeling worse than dirt right now. She called my cell phone and then my house phone and really didnt chat with her. She told me who she was and wanted to know what going on between me and her husband...my phone was dying and she was disconnected. I told her I would call her back ...but had no idea what to say.....I unplugged all the phones in the house in case she called me back dont need hubby overhearing. Really didn't want to talk to her but knew i had too. So itried calling her back on his cell phone but she didint answer......and then my phone rang and rang.....didnt know what to do ...was'nt sure what he said...was thinking have to get stories straight.......then the phone rang and I answered it. It was him......not good wife saw my racey text message...things not good with him...she is leaving him.....WHAT WAS I THINKING HE HAS 5 KIDS. Little insight ...we worked together for 4 years and then i quit my job and started next door...still real close...now to close He called me at work on thursday to tell me what he said.........chat work together fool around but no sex. On thursday after i left work a co-worker was telling me there was a woman whaling on the door looking for MO at 430.....didnt think anything of it at first but then that pit in my stomach ..it was her...... my co-worker told her I only work til 415.... freaked out stressed out and paranoid now............. On Sat. he called me to give me heads up that his wife is on the war path and indeed she came to see me at work and probably will continue until she sees me. She is leaving him and moving out of town not sure about the kids.......and he told her EVERYTHING! why would he do that? I told him deny or make it light. He says that she is crazy..............I would be too if i found out my hubby was screwing around when I have 5 kids at home... I dont know how to handle the confrontation with her....any advice?I havent ate cant sleep just feel worse than dirt....will it get better?Will I ever see him again? I think im in love with him ... I think about him all the time........just wanna chat and be with him... and to hurt him so bad was not my intentions ...which leaves me feeling sick to my stomach. How could something so good turn so bad? Where do I go from here? Do I tell my spouse? or hope it never comes out?

please help as i need all the help I can get. Look forward to feedback postive orr negative both are welcome


Strawberry Girl 8 years ago

To Crazy Lady,

All I can say to you is hold on for the ride. I to have been in your situation. A year and a half ago I sent my MM a text that his wife intercepted. He called my house to tell me his wife got the text and my husband answered. Not a good situation. They are still together, as are we (MM and I) My husband and I are currently going through a divorce. Thats OK because I am better off without him and the marriage was not good before my affair. My husband called all of our bosses at work, mine and his. All the way up to the President of the Company, and its a very big company. We had to have security posted at our office. Embarrasing but we made it through. As fas as telling your husband think about several things. How will he react? Violent? Towards you or your MM? What about her? She may take care of telling your husband for you. My husband called his wife to confirm the affair to her. He wanted some one else to feel what he felt. How would your husband react to being told by some one other than you? Who do you want to be with, your husband or him? Is he worth your marriage? Mine was. Is your affair more of just a sex thing? If so probably not worth wisking what you have if its good. My relationship with hime is so beyond sex. For the first year we only made love once! His wife has not left him. Not sure why. Maybe its as easy as that she loves him. Or maybe its their four kids. I dont know where our relationship is going to end up. But I know that I do love him completely. And I know that he loves me. WE have been through so much together and we are still together. Is not about sex, its about a conection that is so real and so true we cant walk away. I beleive in my heart that some day we will be together. Maybe when we are old and gray, who knows. I'll take it if thats the case. Good luck to you. Stay strong. Stay focused on you. And really think things through. It will be a tough road.


amy34 8 years ago

After reading all of these for some reason I feel my situation is a tad bit different, but I agree with many of the things that have been said about having an affair with a married man. I have always been a very happy person, many friends, a great family, and I love my job. I was with the same man for 5 yrs, never married, and we just fell out of love, but it was mutual and are still great friends. My affair with a married man only lasted about 4 months before we both ened it. The hardest part is that he is my best friend and has been for years before any of this started. I don't like his wife and havnt since the day he started dating her. I am the only friend that stuck by his side and didn't ditch him bc of my dislike of his wife like they did. I truly love him and never realized my feelings for him were so deep until we actually sat down and talked about it. I also never realized his feelings for me. The sad thing is that we did what we did which is WRONG....I know that!! I am not stupid or depressed or lonely or unhappy or a bad person. I don't hear his relationship is bad from him, I see it and have seen it for almost 6yrs. I know why he doesnt leave, bc he does care about her. He cares enough that he told her about our affair and she said...."I don't care bc I'm not inlove with you either and I know she loves you and can give you what you need" . So, basically they are still together right now bc of their age and bc they both want a child. They don't sleep together, or "sleep" together. She totally ignores him and treats him like crap. He said he is afraid that if he leaves her for me that bc I am a tad younger than him I'm gonna get tired of him like she did and leave him for another man. So, I ended things and I am dating someone who I really enjoy being around. He is miserable as always and we are still great friends. My question to you all is.....how do I stop having feelings for him? I get butterflies everytime I see him, I want to talk to him all the time, and be with him, but I don't bc I know that it is wrong no matter what his f'd up wife says. He agreed to stop everything bc he doesnt want to hold me back, which as dumb as it sounds, I guess in a wierd way I understand. I just don't know how to stop the way that I feel. I don't act on it, but I still feel the way that I do. I feel you can't help how you feel, but you can control your actions and I have, but I am hurting bc I can't stop the pain and I know he feels the same way, but we just don't talk about it anymore.

Amy


MS 8 years ago

Amy44 - I completely understand how you feel. I have been having a simular relationship with a man for over a year. His wife really does not like him or care whay he does with who. They stay together for the kids really. Him and I are best friends and we used to talk often about our feelings towards each other. But recently he has told me that he worries about me, that he feels he is holding me back from having a relationship with another man. I know what he means and I suppose in some ways he is, but at the same time I know that its me not wanting to loose what we have together. I could move on but I don't want to. I know that he will never leave his wife for me no matter how much he wants to because of his daughter. I have never felt love like this before in my life and I am sure I will never find it again. I am not unhappy or depressed, I knew from the begining what I was getting myself into. Yet I know that I cannot go on like this forever. I guess what I am saying is that I understand how it feels to be told that they want to stop bc they feel they are holding you back. It makes you feel loved, respected, and crushed all at the same time. It very a confusing situation. I wish I could say that I have an answer for you but I don't. It is however refreshing to read in these posts that I am not alone in my situation.


Denise 8 years ago

Some of these comments have been harsh but I needed that as I was the other woman for a year and a half. He has now moved on to "greener pastures". Yes, he still has his wife and his family, but he found somebody "better" than me and his wife now. My heart is broken, but I deserve that as I believe in what comes around goes around, but I also believe in "some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers", thanks Garth. I am now beating myself up for even doing something like that as I have always been a better person than that and I just hate myself for doing that to his wife as I am feeling the pain now. I don't know if she ever even knew about us but I still hate that I did that to her and don't know that I can ever forgive myself for it. It has been 10 months (yes 10 months) since he left me for the "other woman" and I'm still not over this man (no were not in contact and he knows nothing of the pain he casued me) (that I fell totally in love with. I just want to move on and don't know how to. Any suggestions would be great. Email me at niecylovinlif@yahoo.com I don't mind the nasty emails either as I feel that I deserve that too, but truly i want emails to help me move on and put this painful time in my life in my past and leave it there. Thank You so much. Any help would be gratefully appreciated. I have not attempted to date anybody as i don't feel worthy. Like they deserve somebody better. Please email me if you get a chance. Thank You, Denise


Free @-^--  7 years ago

Hello everyone,

It's very sad how women fall in love with mm and it's very sad how spouses place the entire blame on the woman ! I feel in love with this man who spoiled me and cared for me. I know, I know "if he cared he would have left her, right!" In my opinion I think he got caught up in everything a beautiful young and professional woman who cared and paid attention to him. Sounds better than to face the wife at home who I can't even judge b/c I do not know her. Why if after the second or third time why can't you just see that he doesn't care nor for the wife or the other woman. Why do they stay when it's clear that he is not happy /or she will not be happy since their will be no trust what so ever in that marriage. Yes, the children but when parents are not happy what makes them think that the children will make them any happier I actually heard that it makes it more difficult. Whatever the situation is I only see here that sometimes we cannot help "falling for someone who actually makes you feels happy." I feel bad for the spouses but in some cases women forget to work on their relationships and think that by having a ring it's enough and it's not you need to keep your marriage balanced. STOP blaming the other woman, he is the one who knows has a wife at home. I just had to say this ... You can not help meeting amazing people and/ at times falling in love with people. Thank you ! :)


Free @--^-- 7 years ago

Hi Amy,

You know I do know what you are talking about. The best thing is to move forward with your life. Sometimes it's best to move on then to keep waiting for someone who just settles! he knows she doesn't care he probably likes it NO ONE just stays to stay... Move on and when you move on he will actually see it that he has lost his opportunity to be with someone who actually cares for him. He likes the life that he lives he chose it ! Now stop and move forward whatever decision you decide do not look back. Do not look back. Be strong and positive that you will be in a better situation, you really also don't the wife to keep thinking that you are the fool for staying with him knowing that his treated miserably and he still stays, come on!!!!!!!!!!! Be positive and stay confident with your decision ! Show him that he will not be the reason for not giving someone else who may be in fact a potential keeper. Like I said "we are human and we cannot control falling in love, we do not mean bad it's part of life." Best wishes and start the New Year with lots of confidence I know I have started too! Although it hurts to let go of someone you care for sometimes it's best to let go without any words. It will actually be the best for us and for them... :)


Dee 7 years ago

um only 18 yrz n um having an affair with 44 yr married man for the last 3 yrz i doooooo love him n i guess he does too bt its impossible 4 us 2 get married for the age issues besides he already has 2 children after reading your topic i guess its the time to le go of this relation athough um pretty sure tht he will neva let go of his wife for me n i wont even agree on such a thing bt um the only pathetic person after all


Scott Mandrake profile image

Scott Mandrake 7 years ago from Alberta, Canada

Hrm,

Very interesting comments. I feel however that everyone is caught up in the sterotypes and "oatmealish" behavior. I recently "stole" a wife away from her husband, along with three kids that he loves dearly. I use the term "stole" so you dont' have to. She was unhappy, I was unhappy we found each other online and have been happy ever since.

Really it comes down to being happy. Despite all the ramifications of our actions, such as child care (first time father here), support, immigration fees, etc, we love each other. As far as human interaction goes, who is to judge.

Granted, if you are just playing your naive part in some married guy's harem, there isn't much love there and judgement can flow from anywhere. If you love him/her, and I do mean LOVE, no force on earth shall prevent you. The only thing to stop you is social form, and that is as fickle as a pregnant woman's cravings.


Why 7 years ago

Everyone has their own thoughts about certain situations but in this situation, if you haven't been in it, leave it alone. Everyone can say what they will and won't do, what they will and won't take, until they have been in those shoes. I don't put all the blame on the woman. That man knew he was married when he got with that woman. He made those vows to God, so it is God who will deal with him, not you or I. I am speaking from experience and no I am not a whore. So stop judging people or the situation if you haven't been in the situation yourself.


Amy34 7 years ago

MS and Free,

Thank you both for your words of encouragement and guidance. Things are getting easier as time goes by. We are still great friends and that is all that I want at this point. The horrible thing is that his wife was told last week that she will not be able to conceive bc of her age and they have been trying for 5 yrs with no luck, trying every method possible. I feel horrible for him and her(even though she isnt my favorite person in the world, I still have empathy). Now she keeps bringing up the word divorce and they have both seen lawyers. He wants to be with me and I understand that, but I cant right now for my own reasons. I told him that once he gets the divorce and gets settled that we will revisit the situation. As I said before, I am dating someone and I really like and respect him. I WILL not do the same thing to him that he did to his wife. With that said, I am still head over heals for him. This just really sucks as I was getting over things and starting to move on, but I guess as they say: " If it is meant to be it is meant to be".

Amy


dontbe#2 7 years ago

I have no empathy for anyone other than the people being cheated on. If this man/woman is your soulmate, best friend etc.., then demand that he/she respects you, their spouse and themselves. No one can make anyone stay in a bad relationship, kids are so resilient and if they really cared about their kids, then why subject them to this type of behavior, people who claim they stay for the kids, use this as an excuse, to have the best of both worlds.

Typically the spouses are the ones that this individual respects the most. Trust me if you were in the room with the spouse, you would be the one that he/she ignores. So in my opinion and to most of society, if you indulge in this type of behavior, it speaks volumes of your character and your self esteem. What you are saying very loudly and very clearly is that "I DO NOT MIND BEING # 2" in the best case scenario but often times you are down the chain as #3, 4 5, etc.

And with all the various diseases out there, I hope all you #2s, 3s and 4s are practicing safe sex. Chances are if you made this bad decision then most likely you are not.

Now to all of you faithful spouses, I know this might sound a bit cliche, but what your spouse do in the dark comes out in the light at some point. If you are married to someone unfaithful and you find out about it, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not stay. There is someone out there for you, who will love you for you. He/she does not deserve your time, energy, space or thoughts. Let #2, 3,4 etc have their cheating asses. They deserve each other. And just remember KARMA is your friend. Just sit back and indulge in their misery because it's coming sooner rather than later. Keep your heads up!!!


Strawberry Gir; 7 years ago

To Dontbe#2 - I dont think that we are rally looking for your sympathy. Maybe just a little understanding. And even if we dont get that than so be it. I dont think you can truly understand this side of the affair unless you have been in it. And maybe we dont understand your side unless we have been there. I can only image the pain and desperation you feel when you find out that your husband is cheating. But the problems did not begin with us. They where there before we came into the picture. A man does not cheat if he has what he wants and needs at home. I'm not talking about kissing his ass. But keeping the communication alive, making EACH OTHER feel important. life sucks and we tend to take it out on the person that is closest to us. The husband or wife. Talk to each other. Appreciate each other. Say please and thank you. Have great crazy sex. Dont be to tired to spend time togetrher. And most of all respect each other. Dont loose sight of who you are, but relize your husband/wife is also a person with feelings and wants and needs also. Neglect causes these problems. Real life cause these problems. And it takes extra work on everyones part to keep it together. If you love them make it work. If you are just co-existing let them go. Its better for everyone involved. Life is not a competition, its about happiness and making people happy. I cant stand people who go through life miserable. I would rather be alone than be with some one who make me miserable. Right now I am with some one who makes me happy. ANd right now being #2, #3 or #6 in my case works. who knows if it will forever. But I love my MM and he loves me and it works for me. Maybe not for his wife. But that is a choice that she makes and it is her decision to stay or go.


dontbe#2 7 years ago

To Starwbery Gir

I am not even going to try and explained anything else to you. I think Kate tried to to explain it quite eloquently a few months ago. But since you are still on this site trying to explain your case and looking for some understanding.... makes me wonder just how happy you are. Are you trying to convince the readers, your MM or yourself that you are quite happy being "in your case #6".

If you are then God bless (however I really doubt that any Higher Being would really send you someone else's husband)... whatever helps you sleep at night.

Now to Kate I did check out your site and commend you for staying put. Maybe Straberry gir should check it out as I no doubt think most MM, once outed feel the same way as your husband. The affair for most part has NOTHING to do with what the wife is, not or should be doing at home, but has everything to do with his own selfish needs.

Peace Out!!!


Amber90 profile image

Amber90 7 years ago

all I can say to this after reading the post is that karma is b!tch. I apologize for my language but whether you believe in it or not it will come back around and bite hard. we have all seen it or know someone who has been hurt. I just don't understand how a person could fall to such a low level and hurt someone in one of the most painful ways. here's my advice - if you have feelings to explore than be honest and close off your relationship with the other before you embark on another - it will not hurt as much as when you get caught...and you will get caught - great hub! and comments


karmabackatya 7 years ago

Amber90... THANKS!!!!

This is not rocket science, but yet everyone feel their MM is different. If he soooo loves you (then I have a bridge I want to sell you). Demand that he leaved the current relationship (stop being these men toilets and YES I said toilets).... If he is so unhappy why wait for the wife to call it quits. Tell them to man up and do it...

He can only go as far as you allow him to. And these men prey on vulnerable, or low self esteem women. So do not allow yourself to be that anymore. Look this thing is not new, it's been going on since the beginning of time. With today's technology it's just a lot easier and because we have women in this society that can care less about sisterhood it makes it real easy. So before you indulge in someone else's husband, Demand that he respects you.

I am the last person to suggest that anyone should be married forever, and if either party is not happy and you cannot work it out, then I think you should part ways.. amicably. None of this undercover BS. Then you are both open to start new healthy relationships.

And as women that's what we deserve, so if you really think your MM loves you demand his respect, not some stolen moment of time, or a phone call here and a text there. Trust me, we will be better men and women for it, and so will the generations to come.


dontbe#2tothe2nddegree 7 years ago

To Starwbery Girl

I totally agree with dontbe#2 and since you have convinced yourself that you are the poster the girl for the other woman! Here's my take:

"I cant stand people who go through life miserable. I would rather be alone than be with some one who make me miserable. Right now I am with some one who makes me happy. ANd right now being #2, #3 or #6 in my case works. "

Deep down, aren't you lonely.. You have to be. Right now it's the holidays and we are settling down with family and friends surrounded by people we love. Which night do you get, tonight, tomorrow or did you guys do your special holiday weeks ago. All because I can bet my paycheck Mr Man will be spending Christmas with his wife and their children.

C'mon, if you love him how you profess to love him in every blog, how can you not be lonely (are you up crying yourself to sleep) thinking oh how it should be you. But why should it be you, you do not even have the self respect that you were born with. Why should he choose you, you clearly said to us, and to him I'm sure every chance you get, I will take you anyway I can have you. Hell if I was him, I would have my cake and eat it you. You clearly do not mind being a door mat.

Listen I was married man once, and made an error in judgement and lost the only woman I will ever love. If I can turn back the hands of time I would do it different. I was with that other woman, for one reason. because I could be with her. She offered nothing more than some satisfaction for that moment. She could have never walked in my wife shoes. Too bad I only now realize that at the cost of my marriage.

If you are out that MC, I love you and I am sorry.

V


flynhigh drama 7 years ago

The story is long, I'll condense it. We've all been there, or we wouldn't be here. I became involved with a flight attendant. She was "leaving" an affair with a married pilot. Had bee ongoing for four years. Her second (that anyone else knows about), his first (supposedly). She has two daughters (then 11 and 14), which her ex won in a custody battle, mostly because of her career. Pilot has two daughters (then 4 and 6). He wouldn't divorce. They continued with the ultimate sacrifice being constantly promised. I entered the picture. Started as a friendship. I was freshly divorced after my ex had an affair with a boy half our age (42/21). I was smitten with my new friend. She was planning ahead. She used me to get at the pilot to make him commit. I know she continued to see him while with me, but we were uncommitted. Lasted for seven months. We went everywhere on fabulous, and fairly inexpensive, vacations. Then out of the blue, the pilot proposes to her on a plane full of passengers. She accepts. Goes back to him. He files and divorces his wife and daughters. They were close to moving in together and he backs out. Supposed to be married 08-08-08. Didn't happen. She hunted me down in April. We got back together. Lasted seven months. Out of the blue, he again asks her and she again accepts. I, stupidly, put my life on hold for this person. I read a prior post above about soul mates. Every day I search for some meaning to have destroyed my life over the last 2-3 years. Today, this board allowed me another chink in the armor of healing. To all of us "other" people, are we so low on self esteem that we lower our standards for the lying and cheating? What do we expect in our lives with a known, adnitted cheater? Do we not deserve better? Our soul mates should build us up, not tear us down. I am heartbroken, but I'm learning, slowly, to mend it with the man I am, not the doormat I used to be. The two of them truly have earned, and deserve, each other. My sadness is for all the examples we have set for our children to follow, especially the cheaters.


flynhigh drama 7 years ago

To Strawberry Girl:

You would rather be with someone as anything but a priority? And you claim to be happy? Look in the mirror. Are you truly happy being someone's "option". Really? I was there and did that. I can tell you this, I will be working on that mistake for years to come to rekindle my self esteem and net worth of how I feel about myself, and how the one's who deserved my love and attention were decimated watching me throw away my life. What a shallow vision you have of yourself.

And to all the "others" out there. Do we really think we can walk in the wife's/husbands/girlfriends/boyfriends shoes and fill the capacity they do. We're referred to as "others" because thats the definition. We are not, "The one's" chosen. And study the statistics. Relationships that start out as affairs don't work, although there are rare exceptions. They end the way they began. Only a lot faster and a lot more bitter.

Its one hundred percent about instant gratification, whether it be the attention, the sex, the money, the travel, whatever. We will do anyhting and everything to make this last, whether its working or not, because it makes us feel special. And then its gone. And the memories fade to nightmares because the sacrifice were far greater than the rewards. Its called regret. We have to have a conscience to feel it. Be wary of those who would say they have no regrets.


divinely blessed 7 years ago

This one is a no-no for me.there is absolutely no reason to have an affair with a married man.The truth is that YOU choose to love if that is your delusioned excuse.as hard as that may be we always have a choice.And that married man you are dating......well you should know better than to mess with the sanctity of marriage.If he is not renewing his vows to his wife and family every minute of the day and is messing around with you then itz about time you get with the program and realise that even if he leaves his wife for you it probably won't be much different.and really what kind of example are you setting?dating married folk is wrong-period.If they have issues in their marriage let nature take it's course and don't you be the fuel to the additional problem.The man should know better but more importantly YOU should know better and shouldn't settle.You are better than that........or atleast we would like to think that you are.Do you and go get yours!not someone else's.


elizabeth 7 years ago

Came across this because reading on divorce support forums wasn't getting me anywhere. I was with my ex since 1998, married in 1990. He had his 3rd affair Aug. 2007 and moved out Sept. 07. We have 3 kids together, he's 47. the whore is a co-worker, 32, married and 2 kids. Her divorce was final before ours. They've lived together since he moved out of our house. they appear to be happy. whatever. i hate them so much that i can't get on with my own life. I'm 50, and every day just seems like another day to remind me that I was so easily discarded by such a whore. I have no desires to meet another man. I had had my share of pain in life before him, he knew and acted like he was so understanding and caring. He always said how crazy in love with me he was, that was the reason he gave me for the first 2... that when we had problems, he had to have a distraction. I was stupid enough to believe him. Now, they are the reason that I have no trust in men or women since. I have made no friends. What little dating I've done is just going thru the motions. I want so bad for him to walk in on her with another man so he can feel what it's like to be kicked in the stomach and feel like you're dying. It hurts that bad. every day. If it wasn't for my 3 kids, I really don't know if I would have kept going. Here it is, alittle over a year, and I don't feel hurt but just dead now. Since they showed me such little disrespect, I can't seem to find any for myself.

I really don't know what to do. Oh, and I finally got in touch with his 1st wife (no, I did not see him while they were together) but I did find out that he had an affair on her while she was pregnant with their daughter. He'd told me that she'd screwed around on him and had one to get back at her. Karma can't come fast enough for me to see them get what they deserve destroying families like they have.


Michele 7 years ago

I would like to start a website to list women who are willing to get involved with married men..........remember all of you 'forgotten women' there is a warm place waiting for you and you will have lots of company when you die.

Do all of the wives out there a favor..if you cannot find your own unmarried man, take a gun and shoot yourself, thereby preventing the misery and heartache you cause to families.

My husband was in a crisis like no other he has experienced and a willing 'person' I refuse to call her a women was happy to help him even though she was married and all she said was she was looking for an uncomplicated relationship..what is uncomplicated about trashing a marriage. This 35 year old.......lives in Olympia Washington and goes by the name Cherie. ANy other wife out there experienced this piece of trash....my heart goes out to you.


E Smith 7 years ago

Thank you for your many comments. It has been very helpful and insightful reading as I don't currently know anyone having an affair with a married man.

My problem is a bit unique in that I am having an affair with a married man who is also my boss....who I have to see everyday. I know...what the hell was I thinking, right?? This has to have been the STUPIDEST thing I have ever done in my life. He told me he was leaving his wife. He said he was moving out over the Christmas break. Did that happen? HELL NO!! I did some research and I was reading that if during the course of an affair, if the married person doesn't leave their spouse within the first 12 weeks of beginning the affair, THEY WILL NEVER LEAVE. BTW, As of the end of January 2009, it will be 12 weeks. I'm not holding my breath people. I'm a realist. I'm already looking to get out.

Even if I ended this affair today, I can't avoid him as much as I try. There are weekly meetings, training sessions and conferences I have to attend with him. He's arranged things so that I spend as many of these stupid meetings and whatnot with him!! Can you believe it?? I swear to god when this began I didn't know he had three children. :o

My question is...how do I end this? Keep in mind I may have to continue to work with this man for the next year or so. I am almost afraid of the negative repercussions. Maybe I could just keep him on the back burner like how married men treat the mistresses. Why not? At least until my contract is up. For example, he always expects that I go out with him on Friday night. I could just be busy or disappear on those days. I could just blow him off. He can't do anything about it either!!! He's not allowed to call me because his wife checks his cell phone. So I would be in the clear!!! Still I would like to be "free" of the bullshit "relationship". Any ideas?


mosemate 78 7 years ago

when I found out my husband was having an affair it nearly killed me. I have had my hand on the railway line ..... have looked up suicide websites I weigh six and a half stone and my kids told me 'mum, you have got to eat' left with three kids,one who is severey disabled,people like you make me sick . the only person you give a toss about is you, you,you . You will be judged and you will deserve everything you get.


Strawberry Girl 7 years ago

Wow Michele, Your comments are a little harsh. You are avery angry person. Sounds like you may need some professional help. to suggest tht someone kill themselves is horrible! Does that make you any better than the people invovled in an affair? Probably not. Where were you during your husbands "crisis"? Why didn't he turn to you for support? Too busy? Didn't care enough? Other things going on. Look life is hard. Promises are made and most are broken. What many people tend to forget is that we are all human and we all make mistakes. Or I should say choices that others may not agree with. You need to find it in your self to make your own happiness. Don't depend on others to make it happen. I don't. When thing went wrong in my marriage I tried to fix it. It didn't work. So we split. No gruges on my part. He is human with faults. I wish things could have been different but they weren't. Michele you sound like you are full of hate. How do you think that makes your husband feel. Loved? Doubt it! He probably can't stand to be in the same room with you and all your anger. He probably wants to be with the woman who laughs with him and makes him laugh. He probably is still with her. But thats not his fault is it? Its not his choice is it? SHE made him do it! Wow I wish I had that much power to make another man do what I want him to do when he REALLY doesn't want to do it! Super powers! Get some help Michele sounds like you need it. Cause if you dont some one else will make your husband smile when you aren't!


Mikey 7 years ago

For all the wives out there...you blame the men for seeking sex outside of the relationship, the question is why do they need to seek this? Because they are not getting enough at home, or doing what your husband wants. That is why we stray. Give it to us daily and we will not stray. The problem is you do NOT want to have sex with your hubby's that much and put us off. You tell us we are oversexed and to get on with it.....and then we do. We seek outside the home what we cannot get inside the home. My wife knew I was hurting and still did not give me the sex I required. She told me I worked too much (to support our family), that she needed more, etc. So did I, so I went outside the marriage and got what I wanted. It became a habit, that to be honest, I now enjoy. I am not happy with myself but then take responsibility for it. Just another side of the story...


dontbe#2 7 years ago

Michele..

If you decide to stay with your husband (I am not suggesting that you do, once the trust is broken you really do not get it back) then I pray you find the strength to really forgive him. PLEASE do not pay any attention to Strawberry Girl, as she is the one who really needs help. I agree to one of the aforementioned blogs (not sure who said it) but she really thinks she is the poster girl for the other woman. She clearly gives advice for something she is not willing to do herself, and that is seek help!!

Mikey.. Be a man about yours. if your are not happy, MAN UP and leave that's all. Like I said I have no respect for cheaters, we all make choices, you choose to stay, for what.. I am sure your wife would be a better off without you. And besides I am sure you are no walk in the park either. MM, are so full of sh**. The wife is not doing this and the wife is nt doing that. Chances are if you are not happy, she is probably not happy either. And if she is not willingly giving you sex, then maybe she is also tired of your hundrum sexual activity. The difference between you and her is that she is not sneaking off behind your back (well then again how do you know this), if you are, maybe she has, is doing, or thought about doing it too. But I bet she is much classier than that and has not stoop to your level or Stawberry's girl level. History has shown that for the most part the spouse is the classier of either the other woman or man.

And also, please please practice safe sex. as I am sure you are not. Thank goodness your wife is not giving you sex because you are probably now a walking S.T.D.

Peace Out!!!


Maintenance Man 7 years ago

To Mikey and all of you unfaithful hubands

I just want to say thank you. I by chance stumbled on this site. Me and some of my friends live for men like yourself. We just sit back and wait for you MM to fuck up, and you guys never fail us.

Me and the rest of the maintenance crew always come to the wives rescue. Again my heartfelt thanks to you, Mickey and to the rest of the MM. God bless the OW.

I wish someone would start another site for MW wanting to even the score with their cheating husbnads. Wouldn't that be something.


alone!! 7 years ago

I am having an affair with a married man. 3 years ago it all started. Every month it's a new excuse. kids have to finish school, kids are starting hockey camp, it's christmas....etc. I know i have to leave him. He keeps pulling me back, promises over promises. I want to leave him, just don't know how. We do really love each other and have strong feeling, but this has to come to an end. So lost


Michele 7 years ago

Strawberry Girl..man have you got issues. I actually am with my husband, as we have been for 30 years....believe we are both traumatised by this and both take responsibility..however this women persued him knowing he was married and took advantage of his crisis. SHE WANTED AN UNCOMPLICATED affair, she of course also saw the money and figured what the hell...I am angry you are right, because there are women out there willing to break up a home with no regard for the pain they cause. My husband is my friend, my confidant and struggles minute by minute with the guilt of what he has done. BTW we have an unbelievable sex life....but sometimes women can be evil with there way of lying to get what they want. She SMS'd him 50 x a day to tell him what an unbelievable man he was!!!!!!!tell me what person man or women is not going to fall into the trap of 'smooth talking during a midlife crisis"


MsD 7 years ago

Hi all, I am currently involved with a married man. I know that it is wrong but when I go involved with him I didnt know he was married and when I found out it was too late I had already fell in love with him. So many times I say to myself I am going to leave him along but my heart wont let me I really do love him. I only see him and I know I am not being fair to myself because there is something better for me. If some one has advice I would love to hear it.


Michelle 7 years ago

To all of you OTHER WOMEN out there: Husbands love their wives. Don't believe what a married man tells you. My husband told me when the affair was exposed that he only wanted her for SEX, for the thrill, the chase, feeling young again. He is remorsful, sorry and repentant. He cries all the time over the extreme hurt he has caused me and the fact that he broke his wedding vows. The wife is usually very loving and attentive, even and especially with sex. I have been married for 31 years and my husband had an affair 4 months ago with a woman 18 years younger. We have always had a wonderful sex life. Never in my wildest dreams did I think this would EVER happen! I have always been willing to do anything and everything in bed. I have always made my husband a priority in our marriage. We have five children and 10 grandchildren. He is old enough to know better and so was the other woman. She knew about me, our children and grandchildren. She didn't care or think about the devistating pain this would cause EVERYONE and neither did my husband. He had no excuse. I am a good wife, a very good wife. Always waited on him and wanted to be a part of HIS life. Took interest in his interests, etc. You cannot say men have affairs because their wife is not giving him enough sex, etc. Most wives are good wives and they LOVE THEIR HUSBANDS. Most husbands truly LOVE THEIR WIVES. The other woman is just for fun and excitement but after a while that fades and then what? Any real relationship takes work and that includes the mundane everyday things, bills, children, doctor appointments, family crises, cars breaking down, daily living expenses, sick children, college tuition, etc., etc. An affair is just that, AN AFFAIR. It is a fantasy, NOT reality. It is an escape, NOT LOVE. It is about sex and something not real. REAL LOVE IS COMMITMENT. Married men are almost always COMMITTED to their WIVES, NOT the other woman!! She is just a side attraction! She always thinks the married man will leave his wife, NOT TRUE. Like I said, married men LOVE their wives. The other woman is ignorant to believe he loves her. All he wants is an ego booster and a little fun. Usually married men cheat looking for something they ALREADY HAVE in their wife. They almost ALWAYS realize this too late after the damage is done. Even if they leave their wife for the other woman they are almost ALWAYS sorry they did it and they miss their wife and children terribly. They realize the sin was not worth the pleasure.


Rebecca 7 years ago

I feel like I'm in the minority...my current boyfriend of four years and I got together after his marriage ended. His wife was a good person, they just had nothing in common, and they hadn't had sex for two years. I was mostly an emotional support in their last few turbulent months, but it worked out. I have no qualms about him cheating because we are honest with each other, and we are both happier than we have been in previous relationships. We are also both biseuxal, which is something that his ex couldn't deal with. Our sex life is the stuff of dreams, so no worries there.

Not all cheaters are serial, and sometimes it works--but I know we are the rare exception.


Sydney 7 years ago

Well try this situation on for size: I am at work in a foreign country, meet a guy also working in the same country, we start dating, get together, fall in love, and 4 months later he "admits" he is married back home with 3 kids and wants me to become Wife No. 2 - yes he is a Muslim guy. I am not a Muslim gal. I was devestated when he told me he was already married, had fallen in love with him, and just couldn't find the strength to tell him to Eff Off. As much my brain wanted to, my heart couldn't. So 18 months later, we are both still working in the same country, we effectively live together here, but I go home on leave to my country, and he goes home on leave to his wife and kids. He says he is going to discuss me becoming Wife No. 2 with Wife No. 1 at the end of this year, but I am starting to realise that this relationship has a Use By date on it as just can't see myself living in a Muslim country for a start, and secondly spending half of the rest of my life alone - the deal would be he would get to spend 50% of his time with her, and 50% wtih me. After reading all these earlier posts the thought has become stronger in my mind that he would more than likely cheat on me once I married him. I don't need to ask for advice as I already know what to do - get the hell outta the situation - but it is just so hard when you are 100% emotionally invested with this person.................


7 years ago

Wow, this post has really become an interesting read. Since I'm here, I'll share my story and undoubtedly get my ass handed to me on a silver platter. And quite honestly, I wouldn't respect anyone here if you didn't.

I'm 23 years old and currently involved with a 36 year old married man. He's with his second wife, of whom he's been married to for 6 years, with 5 children (his 2 oldest are from his first marriage, the 3 younger ones are from his current wife). I'm work with a temp program that hires full-time students and I met him at work. We met this past June on my first day of work and became instant friends. His office was across the hall from mine so we talked several times a day, often times with me spending more time in his office than mine and vice versa. I knew he was married from the very beginning, he never took his wedding ring off and always talked so lovingly about his family at home (not to mention all the adorable photos he has up in his office). We had that instant rapport from the get-go, like we had known each other for years. He was the most active listener I had ever met and being around each other felt so easy and natural. An affair with this man never crossed my mind. I've never been involved with an available man until this point and I honestly just didn't think about it. We would flirt, but I always considered it innocent and harmless because I flirt with everyone. It just comes naturally to me and I don't mean anything by it. I just assumed he was the same way and he still is. He told me a story once about how a woman he used to work with wanted to have an affair with him. He said that she would send him emails with naked photos attached and that he never opened them and forwarded them directly to his wife. He even told me once over IM (we IM'd all the time at work) that I had said something that had made him feel uncomfortable and that we should change the subject before it became "inappropriate". In the following months, we flirted with that "inappropriate" line quite a bit. In retrospect, I guess we were both looking to see how far we could push that line. Then one day, he asked me why we flirted with each other so much. I knew he was bringing it up for a reason, so I asked him the same thing. He said something along the lines of "it's safe and it feels good". I didn't really understand the "safe" part until a bit later. Over the next few weeks, our conversations definitely got a bit more suggestive and when he jokingly said something about wanting to kiss me, I called his bluff. He told me to meet him downstairs in a secluded room that was password locked and I did. Boy was I wrong in thinking he was just joking around. He kissed me that day and for the rest of the week we met in that room. I went on vacation the following week and thought long and hard about what I was doing. When I returned, I had decided that I didn't want to continue on that road with this man. However, after coming back and seeing him again, all of that went out the window. I was transfered to a different building and seeing him was both easier and harder. Easier in the fact that I could take my lunches to see him without people in the office putting two and two together, since no one in my new office knew him. Harder because I knew I wasn't going to be able to see him all the time like I had been. After the first time that we had sex, I had a long talk with him. I'd never done anything like this before and I wanted to know what exactly he wanted from me and what role I was to play. I asked him about his life at home and why he was wanting to have this affair with me. He told me that he loved his wife and had no intention of leaving her. He said that I appreciated him for... well, him. When you get married and have children, you become a husband and dad. I saw him for P. Not P the husband or P the daddy, but just... P. I told him that as soon as I felt myself falling for him, I wasn't going to see him anymore. Thus, me agreeing to this arrangement. He was, after all, my best friend at the time. Fast forward 3 months later to the present day. I am still very much involved with this man and have no intention of leaving him anytime soon. But in order to explain why, I must first tell you a little bit about myself. I have a great job, a very lovingly family (still living at home with my parents) and I'm a full-time college student. I have wonderful friends that support me and I should feel extremely loved. After all, I don't have any reason not to! However, I feel very alone. I've never been in a serious relationship and I always have a problem with sleeping with men way too soon. It's not that I go out looking for those type of situations, I just fall into them because of how emotionally unhealthy I am right now. I will be the first to tell you that I suffer from very low self-esteem. Why else would I continue to be in an emotionally abusive relationship with myself? Yes, with myself! The only reason men do the things they do, is because we let them. And boy do I let them. Although I don't agree that all of the names used to describe the "other women" out there apply to me, I do agree whole-heartedly that the problem all of us have stems from low self-esteem. We are lonely, lost, confused, hurt, sad women who fall for the first guy who shows us the slightest bit of attention... available or otherwise. Why? Because it feels good! Now I can't speak for the ladies out there who unintentionally find themselves involved with married men because they didn't "know" (even though the signs are there and they choose to ignore them anyway), just for me and probably everyone else out there who knew what they were signing up for. We allow them to get away with it because negative attention is better than no attention. I would rather feel special and cared about (however unreal it logically is), then be by myself. And yes, this is a character flaw within myself. But at least I'm willing to admit it.

Now, I know this isn't going to go over too well but I wanted to be honest and here's the kicker: although I have a guilt complex over what I'm taking away from his family by being involved with him, it's not my first priority. Humans are naturally selfish creatures and I'm more concerned about getting my needs met, than how much I'm hurting his family. And obviously he feels the same way. The real kicker? In reality, only HE is getting his needs met. Not me, not even close. Why? Because I'm not a bad person, I just make bad decisions. I want what everyone else wants... a husband and a family of my own. Do you think I want her sloppy seconds? Hell no. It breaks my heart everyday to know that I allow myself to settle for it anyways. Because deep down, I dislike myself. I don't think that I can get any better. Trust me, any negative thoughts you have about me at this point, I've already had them about myself. I'm not proud of this by any means. And maybe you think you pity me more than anything else, but hey.. guess what? Join the club because I pity me more! But I won't leave him until he walks away first. Wives, here is your first honest insight into the mind of the "other woman". It's just most of us won't admit to it. I truly am sorry for all of the hurt and anguish other women have caused you. Really, I am. And if I ever grow up and learn how to have a healthy relationship, I wouldn't be one bit surprised if he ends up cheating on me. What goes around, comes around right? And I really don't mean to come off as crude and tacky, I just don't see any sense in sugar-coating my actions. "I didn't know he was married! He told me he was leaving his wife!" None of that applies to me. I enable his cheating behavior because it makes me feel good and that's all I care about at the moment. That instant gratification, that temporary high... however short-lived. Oh, but don't worry. I'm not as smug about this as I sound. It makes me cry to think that I can't do simple things with this man that I care so much about.


Amy34 7 years ago

Michelle,

I tend to agree with you in most cases. BUT, think about it this way. Why, if the man was happy would he cheat? Why would he need the thrill and excitement? I honestly think this is a sad excuse for men who dont want to hurt their wives by telling them the real reason. If you were "truly" happy, would you cheat? You didnt cheat bc you are truly happy and committed. Having an affair isnt committment to his wife!! AND yes the other woman in the affair usually doesnt work out and I have seen this just as much as you have. I unfortunately got with my MM when he was seperated from his wife. Then I ended things for myself bc he couldnt make up his damn mind. He doesnt have children, but does care for his wife very much and doesnt want to leave her. That is totally fine by me as long as he is happy. BUT, he isnt! AND he will probably be for the rest of his life, but that isnt my problem any more. So, again we come to the question of why they cheat. Having a one night stand is different than an affair. In an affair, it is more than sex bc you are treating them like your wife in most cases. Men arent horney dogs that cant go one day with out sex, so any guy that uses that excuse is lying to you. They cheat bc they arent fufilled in many ways and are unhappy, but i am a firm believer of doing whatever it takes in a marriage to make it work....therapy, taking a break, livening sex life, whatever. If the next step is an affair then the marriage is doomed from there bc that reminder will always be there. So, again I will go with....men and women cheat bc they are unhappy with their current situation, but this doesnt mean that they always will be. Like you said michelle, they could realize that the issue is with themselves and not with their spouses and realize in the end that they love their spouses not themselves and that is the real issue.

Amy


Strawberry Girl 7 years ago

Thank you Amy34. You may not agree with my situation, but at least your making a valid point. Michelle was a little harsh in telling the other women that they should just kill themselves. What about her husband? Should he do the same? Oh no I forgot it wast the other women who mad him have the affair because his marriage was perfect before she came along. People have affairs whe nthey are missing something in their marriage. I dont mean the people who have multiple affairs. I mean the people who have an affair that lasts years and people who fall in love. Such as me. Michell, your husband will never tell you the whole truth about his affair. He wont tell you how many times they made love, how many times he told her he loved her. He wont tell you that they told each other their lives dreams, or stories he hasn't even told you. Its not always about sex. Its about connecting with a person in your life. Connecting with some one you now that you where suppose to meet. Some one you care about truly and love completely. Right or wrong in other people eyes. Its love. Truly look at your marriage. Really look. Some thing is lacking. Missing. Its not always the wifes fault either, that is not what I am saying. Its two people who may have taken each other for granted over the course of 20 - 30 years. Being bored. Same thing everyday. I know marriage isn't easy and its not perfect. But we need to take responsibility for it and face it when its not working and try to fix it. Because the wife or the husband will go else where. It may happen when you dont even expect it to. You may not even be thinking about it. But you meet some one some day and you say Wow. I need to now that person more. And then it begins....


molly51 7 years ago

I have been reading the comments and it is like reading my life, I am having an affair with a married man. When this affair started we were both married and my marriage was not good, my husband was a alcoholic and abusive, but I always stay loyal to my husband of 29 years. I think of how this mess all started and I was a very easy target, I work with this man I am having an affair with and that makes things very hard for me to break it off. When we first started my intentions were not to get divorced and I have never expected him to divorce and I really didn't love this man at first, I am not sure that I do really love him, but I know he is in my heart now and that is what hurts the most. About 2 months into the affair he started to pressure me to get divorced and I put it off and then my husband lost his job and I felt that I could not just kick him out so I told the man I would wait until my husband got a job so he could support him self. Well that did't go over very well he was mad that I was supporting my husband and gave me a hard time about that and then 1 year later my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer and I tried to break it off with the married man, I tried very hard but I couldn't and I was living a big lie. I tried to get back together with my husband and I took care of him until the end and I miss him so much and he knows that I did really love him and now I am single. It has been 6 months and I still see the other man but now that I am single I need to move on with my life and start my new life and reading the comments have really opened my eyes to see how wrong I am to think that this man would leave his wife and family for me and I think all I want is to have what he has in his life. I am tring really hard to break off this relationship with him and the hardest is that I will have to see him at work, but I need to be strong.


Michele 7 years ago

Strawberry Girl,,have you got life by the balls. Good Luck at family events such as christmas, thanksgiving, and all those other days when families enjoy each other..while you sit around on the computer trying to warrant being a whore.


Dontbe#2 7 years ago

Starwberry Girl

"Just when I thought I was out you pull me back in" Did you ride the short bus to school, or are you just in "la-la" land. Instead of giving the wives advice, why don't you just tell your married man to man up and leave his wife and make an honest woman of you, since, clearly, you make him so happy. Baby girl, it's about choices, and you have clearly made yours. You are your MM's doormat, no more, no less.

Why haven't he left his wife......... You obviously left your husband. He has not left his wife, because he loves her, you are and will always be his distraction, the other one, not the main one. If his wife ever leaves him, and I no doubt she will, because he is still carrying on with you (do you really think she knows about you, MM is doing evrything within his power to conceal that information). Do you think you would be the type of woman that he will bring home to meet his mother, someone that will be his soulmate to death do you part.... I still have that bridge to sell if you ae interested.

When that happens please post it here...however I doubt that it will.

Michelle- keep your head up...Starwberry Girl couldn't buy a clue with Oprah's money...


Amy34 7 years ago

Stawberry girl,

I just have one word of advice for you bc I have been there although my MM was seperated throughout most of the time. Please do it for yourself and end things!!! He cheats bc he is unhappy....yes, but this isnt fair to you nor to his wife no matter what the facts of the marriage are. It is so hard and painful afterwards, but darling you will meet someone who "wants" you not "needs" you. Hey, I bet he tells you he "needs" you...right? What he needs is to get control of his life and himself and do the right thing no matter what that is. Dont let him get more yrs of your life. AND for the record I dont think you are a whore at all...I think you are in love with someone who is taking advantage of that bc he can, not bc he doesnt feel the same way about you, but bc he wants to love 2 ppl in different ways. HE SHOULD NOT B ABLE TO DO THAT!!!! Its not fair to you...at all girl. Please do the right thing!! Not for all the ppl that call you names and judge you, but do it for you!!

Amy


Strawberry Girl 7 years ago

Wow Michele, Still angry? I guess I would be also if my husband was crying on my shoulder each day about how that bad woman, the whore corrupted him and MADE hime cheat on you! Enough of the name calling, its really not necessary. I dont expect you to understand. Its way over your head. Thats mostly because you seem to be a very small person. As for the holidays, I have plenty of friends and family that I am very close to to spend the holidays with. People who love me and care about me. Why do you think that a woman must be with a man on the holidays to be Happy? People who love you and care about make us happy. Its about all relationships, not just a man for a woman and vice versa.

To Dont be #2 - Yes I left my husband. And it had nothing to do with the affair. The reasons are personal and not your business, but he never asked me to leave my husband and as I said it wasn't for him it was for me. I dont sit at home waiting for him to come to me. I am not waiting for him to leave his wife. I have not asked him to leave his wife. And also she does know about us. Its a fact. My husband told her all about it. she knows. I also know that he does love her, differently from the way he loves me. And no its not about sex either. If I told you how many times we have had sex in the last 2 years you would be shocked. Although you would probably call me a liar. Its not about lust and sex. Its about a connection that two people have on all different levels. We talk about everything from politics to religion. We have the same interests and the same sense of humor. He has been there for me through so much. More than anyone ever has in my life. And I think that I have also been there for him. He tells me the truth. Things that I may not want to hear, but the truth. He is sweet and kind and considerate. Not just to me but to everyone in his life. And I know that you are going to come back with "except his wife", but hey its the truth. I dont need or want anyones approval on this whole thing. I'm in it and I make no excuse. Right or wrong it is what it is. My self confidence is not shot to hell. I have a life. I laugh and cry just like you. It doesn't consume my life. I dont go crazy over it. We take it day by day. Thats all we can do right now. And no matter what happens with us - we both now that we have found a friend for life.

To amy 34 - thank you for being kind. I get what you mean. I dont want to leave an neither does he. We have given each other the opportunity and we can't do it. If you new the whole story you would be shocked. We have been through so much together and we haven't left yet. And beleive me there were times when anyone would have left if it wasn't real love. You dont stick around for just a good lay if you have gone through what we have, He doesn't need me. Its a want. A want to share our lives in any way that we can. I cant say that I am sorry for something that I feel so strongly about. I feel bad for his wife to be in this situation. But I cant say sorry for loving him.


Dontbe#2 7 years ago

Michelle

Yes a whore is a bit harsh, she is more like an "on call girl", when her MM come a callin she goes a runnin.

Strawberry Girl

I am in the medical profession and get vey sick and tired, time and time again, of having to inform some MW that she has contracted some STD, by the very man that sleep in her bed at night, because he no doubt is to selfish to protect her from poor judgement. At the very top of this blog, it ask a question "Mistake or Character Flaw". In your case I would say it is the latter.

To all of the OW who have posted on this blog, seeking advice

Get out as fast as you can. No one should have that type of hold on an individual, stop being his "on call girl". Once you get over the hurt (and to be honest is this the frst time you have ever been hurt by a man) you will see that you are a better person for it. If not I guess I will see you in my office giving you the same diagnosis as his wife!!!


Kate 7 years ago

Michelle;

I to am a hurt spouse. Read my posts above. Your anger is completely miss directed.

As you, I to fell for the same thing. I am sure that your husband had you believeing he was a man of Integrity, self respect and oh such a decent guy at one time. What he had you beleiveing, he had or has his mistress beleiveing.

I remember on one of my husbands affair his mistress's wrote him a letter telling him that "she couldn't believe there was such wonderful, caring, understanding guys out there." Was he really? What does this tell you what place in her life she was in? You are probably asking yourself how could she fall for such crap, especially if she knew her lover was married? Well doesn't that tell you truly how lonely she was? That she had very low self esteem issues. YES.

Being angry at her will do you know good, it will do your marriage no good but most especially it won't do you any good. Don't you want better for yourself?

There are all kinds of people in this world, and not everyone feels like you do. Not everyone has your value, self esteem, self worth, self integrity. Stop giving them something they don't have.

These women who will have affairs with married men have to tell themselves that the wife is a bad person, has issues, blah blah blah, because that is the only way they can remain in such a used position. They make their own choices and they make their own outcome. Which is all 99% always extreme painful.

Let it go with the other woman and focus on you, your marriage or divorce, your children, whatever. Do not focus on the other woman, her's is coming. Like I said go back and read my old posts, especially the one where my own brother had his affair and married his affair partner. Yesterday she was here again in tears, now its her turn. Its so sad.

You can not change someone who has no Morals or self value, but you can change you. Its a journey SO worth taking. Love yourself and lose the anger. Anger only hurts you and NO ONE else. Your SO MUCH better than that. SO MUCH, trust me.

If you would like to email me, please go to my blog and email me from there. You don't have to blog, just email or blog me for me email and I will give it to you.

The mistress, isn't worth your time, energy or anger. You ARE, your marriage IS and so is your FAMILY.

I know your pain

KATE


The wife 7 years ago

Michelle,

Listen to Kate she knows and can help you. I'm the hurtful spouce who husband is living with his affiar partner, and she has helped me allot.

Good Luck to you!

P.S And I;m a great wife and a great person. He is the one with issues! and now his affair partner can deal with it!


Mystic Rain 7 years ago

Hey all,

I have been away from this hub for a while but it is nice to know things really haven't changed all that much. Despite it all I do hope it finds all on this hub doing well. It took me a while to read through all the posts that I have missed since I have been gone. I would also like to take this time to say I kept my word "Karen" and have not spoken to my "MM" since a few weeks after my last post.

Although at the time of my last post we would speak briefly if at all. I am pleased to say that we never had sex and even after it ended I chose not to keep in contact with him. I avoided his calls and deleted all emails and then I blocked him from contacting me all together. I for the most part at this point in my life can honestly say, I have never been happier.

Me and my husband have worked through our fair share of mistakes and I am proud to say our marriage is as solid as it was on the day I said I do. My husband has forgiven me and I in turn have learned to forgive myself. I now found what I was looking for all along, "my husband". I am thankful to be as blessed as I am, and I am grateful to have the love around me that I do, that in itself was something I had lost sight of and right wrong or otherwise, this hub really did help.

I didn't pay all that much attention to the name calling nor would I have paid any attention to any threats that would have been made. I am however human and I made a mistake and it was that mistake that could have cost me what mattered most in my life "My family". I read all the latest posts and wow there have been some harsh words used, from someone trying to justify why she is having an affair, to him saying an affair is ok because his wife has agreed to it just as long as she don't see it, hear about it or catch an STD, that sounds logical, not! Then we move on to a woman who thinks women who are having affairs with married men should shoot themselves, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that those postings were clearly not thought out before they were written, and if they were I would seriously 'question' there thought process as it was being written.

The fact is and I have said this before, no matter what there will always be infidelity, some like it while others don't. I however will not or ever cast judgement or doubt on others who choose to have an affair compared to those who wont. Like I said ultimately we will all be judged by someone higher than those who are posting on this hub. All the name calling and all the threatening going back and forth is bullshit. Now understandably everyone has a right to there opinion just as those have a right to live there life anyway they see fit, whether it was having an affair with your spouse or not.

Someone asked me once when I made that very same comment, "How would you feel if that were your husband"? My reply, well of course it would hurt me and yes it would effect all those around me including my children, but if that is what my husband chose to do then who am I to tell him no. I am his wife of 15 years, I am not his mother. More so he is in his forties and me yelling oh no your not will be effective how? It wont be because if someone has there heart set on something, no amount of words, crying, shouting or threatening is going to change there mind. Sadly I think most people forget that.

Some people take there vows seriously while others don't. I had forgotten how funny and smart my husband was, I stopped laughing at the big things and began getting irritated over the small things, for me living that way was unbearable. Then one day while we were out to dinner my husband took my hand and told me how beautiful I was and that he loved me and as a tear fell down his cheek I knew right then just how much I had hurt him. I will never forget that night. It has been a long journey but I think "we" will be ok now. No amount of apologies will ever be acceptable, I accepted blame and in turn became a better wife for it... Until my next post, take care.

Sincerely, Mystic Rain


Louise 7 years ago

When I was 17 I had a relationship with a married man for a year, then I forced myself to stop seeing him (HARD is an understatement) and I haven't for 2 years.

However, we've stayed in contact and he's not given up yet. I've thought I was "over him" on SEVERAL occasions, but the truth is I'm not and I'm getting really sick of wanting him every day but having to resist.

Can someone please yell abuse at me to make me see what an idiot I am?

Good luck to you all, there's some comfort in that we're not alone X


ali 7 years ago

just tell thw wife


Here 7 years ago

Damn straight...lol. go ahead and tell his wife. He will most difenitly leave you alone.


Cillaa 7 years ago

I have now been involve with a marrid man fot a month. I came out of a four year relationship that took me though so much. Last month this married man and I came across each other and it just stated as friends. Don't get me wrong we have never slept together... yet! But her makes me feel go, we can talk about everything, I have not kiss anyone in six years and yesterday was the first time I kissed him O my It felt so good. At the time I did not even think for a second he s married. One good thing is he lives in North Carolina and I am in South Carolina that makes it so easy. No, I am not in love with him and he is not with me but I know this is so wrong but it feels so right. I want to back away but in heart I really don't want to. We can see each other alot because he travel alot and his wife too. I don't want to hurt her but I feel if after one year and half married and she is not taking care of him like a special person should be he is going to be with me or someone else. Most woman say, she is a home recker but if you look at it if she was doing everything in the marriage he won't go out on her. In this case she travels all the time and him too. Most of the time they don't ee each other for two weeks or better. Well, I feel she need to be more with him they have no children. I don't know I guess that is the reason I will never get marriage. I know this is hard for him. I don't want to break up anything I just want to have my cake and ice cream too. I have a 5 year old by a married man and I ask him not toleave his wife. In this case no we don't have kids but in so many ways, yes, I want him. What should I do?


bo 7 years ago

stay away


Yet anotherone 7 years ago

Cillaa

It amazes me still, how so many women fall for the okie doke. You say you have a five year old son by a MM man. Did he leave his wife? she may have left him but I seriously doubt that he left her and if he did, not for you. AND yet, you are about to start something else with another MM. Please explain to me the hype, cause I have yet to find anything appealing about a MM, one who no doubt have MAJOR character flaws, no integrity or morals. So what is the attraction. A smoothe talker, the excitement... PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT.

Is there really a shortage of available men out there, do you ladies sleep well at night, I can care less about the MM, I am talking to my sister, mother, daughter, aunt and friend. Have we so liitle value, so little self worth as women, that we do not mind being some man's other, some woman's sloppy seconds. OW please please explain to me why you value your self so little. MM cheat because there are so many OW out there that have no self worth, and the sad thing that I am reading from these blogs, so many of you have children. If you do not break the cycle, your children are doomed to repeat your behavior. It is so very sad. You want my advice, leave the MM alone, concentrate on you, your self worth and sooner or later some wonderful single man will notice you. If not you will always be that OW, longing for him to leave his wife and he won't. If the wife leaves him, guess what chances are he would probably not want a long lasting relationship with someone with so little self worth......


Doctor Love 7 years ago from middle of earth

Dr. Love here women you are the mother of our children! You are special you are priceless! Stop letting men treat you like anything less! Stop treating yourselfs like anything less most of ALL! RULE: Lust and Love are different! Remember lust is sin and commiting sins, and beening with someone knowing they are beening decietful. Love is honesty and not deceit in any way!

Don't let men trick you ladys!


Anamika S profile image

Anamika S 7 years ago from Mumbai - Maharashtra, India

Wonderful Hub ! Home breaker is something I would never be and want my friends to be.


dumbfounded 7 years ago

Here is a new twist on things Now I have to blow off an old friend of 30 years. Just a friend, That is in love with a Married Man I have seen it almost kill her. I will make it short. Met him... They cheated together, Then she got divorced after 15+ years with two young kids that were so innocent. Then they ended up shacking up and cheating on each other then she went out with another guy shacked up with him and cheated with the guy she left her marriage for. (its like the shell game) Then he cheated on her with the woman he courted lived with and married all the while seeing her the whole way through. She was so devastated she slept on anti deps for like a year!!! Then she was suicidal again psych ward the whole nine. BUT HE saved her life and just showed up to drive her to the hospital (then she admitted that she could have called him in a blackout or sumthin) Get This?? she doesnt want to be with him "Just be on the side" Otherwise he will cheat on her if she was the main course. And somewhere in there she did his long lost brother when they were together, (revenge) Guess what? After a while.. at the Jerry Springer olympic marathon tryouts. She is not even interested in sex unless it is forbidden or to get him jealous. I am a friend and I have to take out the garbage when i depart so he doesnt know I was there. When I aked who gives a damn 'He fucking lives and sleeps and is married to someone. The two cans of Coca Cola that I drink at your house are gonna get YOU in trouble with HIM??? Then she forgot whhat I just said and told me why she loved him and how good he was for her. Spraying her pillow with a cologne that he wears that she bought just for that very reason.... She will never recover from this dysfunctional promiscuity. She doesnt get aroused unless its forbidden.... YOU (adulterer mistresses) AND HER DESERVE BETTER??? Maybe not... Its called CODEPENDANCY you cant live without them... Single never felt better. LOL The sadest part This was an EXCELLENT person while she was married I knew her and her ex from childhood. I used to call her to ask for advice She was a consumate proffessional and had a wonderfull career. Now on disability for deppression sleeping and crying until he wakes her up to do the deed. But He Says He Loves Her and thats all it takes her to be delusional.... So after 30 years I cant listen to it or be heard anymore. Waste of time . I Am Dumbfounded


dumbfounded 7 years ago

Dont walk away from cheaters RUN!!! It takes a special blend of malcontent mixed with a lot of sociopathic mental illness to make a one night stand last. The fact that cheaters Dont know what love really is.... remains EVIDENT They cant feel other peoples pain that they cause or fathom putting them selves in someone elses shoes. Proof... Did you ever even think to tell us how jealous and paranoid they can be with a huge double standard...

You may say "Thats the love of my life.. My soulmate! I am sorry to tell you this but your soulmate may be "going at it" right now , with His Devoted Wife saying the same things to her as he does for you (so he doesnt mis speak in the moment) If you cant picture all of this as reality. I can help you with this part,,, What did you think he was going to tell you??? My wife is great but I am so insecure that I will NEVER be happy with only one woman.. No he will say what you want to hear to justify your delusion. "She is terrible and I love you and my wife dont have sex ever and its so aweful that she somehow still just stays with him because SHE is insecure. (That would be ironic cuz the people that cheat need more temporary self esteem) You have to ask yourself "Why dont YOU think you deserve better?" and stop looking for happiness through others. Do just one thing you can be proud of and tell people about with pride and your self esteem you forgot about.. It may be hard at first (i have done it twice) But once you can see the picture from a distance you will see how ugly it was. (they all come back, You just dont want them to)


the other woman, now wife.. 7 years ago

affairs are tricky, lose your appetiite, am i doing the right thing, time and energy consuming, whose feelings do i hurt-not hurt, when is the next time do i see him/her again, and just plain not worth it. now love, that is something the before mentioned is worth fighting for. in order for it to be love, both parties in the affair, have to truly love each other. i was involved with a man that was married and had a young boy. i was single and had a son of my own. our relationship was slow going. but soon progressed to intimacy. he told me first that he loved me. i questioned at first because, well because, if you love some one you don't call and tell them, 'hey at this time, this place'. but i looked forward to those calls. it started to be too much for the both of us.

it came out about the affair. i got slammed. phone call after phone call from friends of hers and her. but through that all the only thing that i wanted was for him to call me. and he would. we still met. we still went out to eat. we still went out to movies. she would call and he would tell her something else. two years. two years this went on.

i loved this man. deeply. so i said to him, 'this is it, no more'. 'i will always love you, but you are married. you need to work that out and see if that is what you truly want.' sadness, tears, a lot of alcoholic beverages, a 4 hour move away, and then daylight. i started to see other men, not married of course, being a lot more involved with my son, going back to school. getting on with my life.

my move, not only, took me away from him but my own family as well. i did not see or hear from him. which, at first, was heart wrenching. i resisted the urge to call him. i fell in love with another man, he was warm, funny, very tall and excellent in bed. but i never got to deep. i didn't even tell him i was in love with him. the back of my mind and my heart told me where they belonged.

four years after i moved away from the married man and had absolutely no contact with, he calls. my heart stopped. he is recently divorced and what am i doing? within on day is at my doorstep and i am in his arms again. i never felt guilty, will never feel guilty for following my heart. within three weeks i moved in with him. i loved him then, i loved him when i moved away, and i will always love now. he tells me every morning noon and night that he loves me. after three years together, married for one, i believe him. please do not get me wrong we have our knock out drag outs, but we lay our heads down on the same pillow every night.


better than most 7 years ago

To the other woman now wife:

Well good luck to you, as you will need it, when karma comes back and bite you in your hind-parts. Hopefully it will come back to you and you present husband much worst then you guys dished out. Maybe job lay-off, home foreclosure, sickness or disease...

My early condolence.


Teegirl 7 years ago

I have being reading all the comments and I can relate to everything that is being said. I am married now but dated a married man when I was single. It was horrible. Why do I say that? Yes you have a nice guy giving you all the attention you need when he has the time, the forbidden fruit they say is the sweetest.

You think you are doin him a favour by making him happy cos he says "oh my wife is a bitch. She gives me hell blah blah blah". But hey you cant be seen around with him, you cant take him to your parents cos you know it's doomed from day one.Your relationship is always under cover.

I became sobber, repentant and realized what I was doing to another woman's life. I realized how this would ruin my life so i moved, met a new guy and got married.

Now you know the flip side of the story. Because I know the MO of men who cheat, I realize my husband is cheating on me. Karma, karma. Even the bible says what you sow you reap. Now I fight with my spouse about his straying ways but I cant help but think it's payback time for me.

So if anyone is out there cheating ,remember what gos around comes around. Now I take solace in praying that God will forgive me and make my marriage right.


fatactress profile image

fatactress 7 years ago from here

MY SOB STORY,,

Everything was OK, I was working 8 am till 4 pm, he was working 330 pm till 1130- pm. We did this to help save money on child care. We had our weekends together and the Sunday mornings were fantastic, our time if you know what I mean.

He hires a friend of his from the past, then he hires his friends wife. And in less then 6 months, he was unhappy, I was to blame, but yet nothing had changed. Now mind you I did seen the signs, she left her "calling cards" in my house, cell phone #, a sweater, etc etc..but I ignored the signs...because I trusted him and she was married to a friend of his... They went out to lunch together, she bought him gifts and he bought her gifts..sh*t was getting real so I confronted her and she told me " he's allowed to have friends"..then I confronted him and guess what he said..that's right.."hes allowed to have friends"..wonder if he got coached on that one!! When I stopped by the shop, she would run in the back..never give me direct eye contact..weird huh..she was planning. Oh yes and she have a fellow accomplice , She had her husband (yeah he was in on it too strange huh!!?? not really, she was having a affair with another married man whose wife refused to divorce him, her husband knew it and wanted out...she said she wanted mine and..well, the rest is history) he used to call on our Sunday mornings saying he was having car trouble, any kind of trouble....so our special times were always interrupted. (oh she had lots of ways to draw him to her and she should, ours was the 3rd relationship she ruined, she ruined her husbands and his first wife's relationship,) they invited him to dinner, but not me, I smoked..she invited our kids over to hang out with her kids..trying to get her hooks into my kids now that's cheap and she did. My kids thought she was absolutely wonderful, all of her conniving and interfering worked, eventually she got her hooks in him. I left which is probably what she wanted anyway. I had to, I was brink of having nervous break down. I moved in with my parents, he kept the boys and she acted like she loved them until they were married 6 months later..(yeah like that fast!!) then she changed..she got what she wanted.The boys one by one moved back with me..they couldn't stand living there,,her kids could do no wrong and they could do no right..she called them lairs and theives..

Anyway..those two cheating bozos caused a lot of hurt feelings, especially in our kids. my youngest seven at the time had a nervous break down..he still to this day (he's 17) hates her even though she is his step mother. My third son failed school and had to be held back...we had a awful christmas..sitting around the Christmas tree crying..all of us knowing he was with his new family..and just a year before he was with us..but I learned to be strong..and so did our kids. We learned to adapt and forgive, well, i did anyway..my boys still have some growing to do.

Now the funny thing was after the novelty wore off, ex-hubby tried came back to me after all most year of blissful marriage..and I told him "no...I cant trust you, you and her hurt a lot of people, especially her kids and our kids, you broke up 2 families so you could be together, now your together,,so you better stay together, its not fair to the kids..any of them, they didn't ask for this...) So he stuck it out...as did she...and their still together. which is good. Because they deserve each other....ha-ha!


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 7 years ago from australia

Well said.Terrific.Wow this must be a very popular topic it took me 10min to find the empty comment box lol


The Wife 7 years ago

Dear Fatactress,

That is a great story. I will pray that you and your boys hang in there. Wish you all the luck.

A wife going through it too with a child!


fatactress profile image

fatactress 7 years ago from here

Dear wife

What pulled me through was prayer, I honestly thought I was losing my mind, being gullible never beleived it could happen to me..its been 10 years..and though I have forgiven him the hurt is still there. I am over him, but I am not over the deception. My prayers are with you...focus on your childern they will save your sanity!!

fatactress


Strawberry Girl 7 years ago

I know where he wants to be. I know who he loves. Its me. I know it. Does she? I dont think so. I dont cry, she does. He loves me and she knows it. I'm sorry. But its the truth. He loves me, he wants me and he WILL be with me. I have patience, I will wait. All is good.


Cilla 7 years ago

I did think about about it all and read the commets everyone put on. I am happy to say I am no longer involve with the married man. I am not dating a man that is single and I am happy. I had to really think about it, when he leaves me he is going home to his wife, won't take phone call or anything. I am happy also because I have never slept with him at all. As far as we went was a kiss, that was wrong but at less I did not take it to the bedroom. He is still trying to see me, texting me, calling me, and yahoo IM me but I will not talk back to him. I guess over time he will find out I did think it wasn't right.

Also, to the person that spoke about my child that is from a married man. No, he left her they are no longer together and yes he ask me to marry him but that was out of the question for me. If he did it to her he would have done it to me. Not in this life time, lol. Thanks everyone so much and I will let everyone know how things are going with my SINGLE man, lol.

Luv ya!!

Cilla


The Wife 7 years ago

Thank You Fatactress

Prayer is the only answer in a mess called infidelity.


Yet anotherone 7 years ago

Cilla

Pleeaase!!! your MM asked you to marry him. I bet!!! You break up this MM marriage have a bastard child by him, but when he asked you to marry him, you say no. And all of the readers are suppose to believe that. He is good enough to be your baby daddy (you guys are now tied together for life - poor kid) but let me say it so you can understand, "but he no good to be your husband"..

BITCH PLEASE!!!


Dontbe#2 7 years ago

Strawberry Girl

You never fail me!! Back on this site again, pleading your case:

"I know where he wants to be. I know who he loves. Its me. I know it. Does she? I dont think so. I dont cry, she does. He loves me and she knows it. I'm sorry. But its the truth. He loves me, he wants me and he WILL be with me. I have patience, I will wait. All is good."

This is like a soap opera for me when I am on call. I think I am addicted to this web-site, because I cannot believe we have so many simple minded women out there. I was trying to give you guys the benefit of the doubt, but this is just so unbelievable, no I have my colleagues checking in for the laugh. Please get some help as you need it.


cblack profile image

cblack 7 years ago from a beach somewhere

I think having an affair with a married man is useless 95 percent of the time unless all you want is sex. I believe that men like to be secure and comforatable. While a lot of men will have an affair, most of them will not end up leaving thier wife and family for another woman.


MM who had an affair 7 years ago

I am a married man who had an affair and I am so sorry, but worst of all I am embarassed at what I put my wife and my family through. In checking my wife's laptop I stumbled over this site, so it's been nearly a year and I can see that she is not thoroughly over it. The ironic thing is that I am the one who had the affair but yet and still I do not trust her. I am now suspicious of everthing she does, so afraid that she will do the same thing to me that I did to her (isn't that something). I too, like most married men that have affairs tried to blame my shortcomings on my wife, my excuse was that she did not love me the same anymore, and if she didn't then I would find me someone that would. In hindsight I realized that I was the one with the shortcomings. Financially and emotionally I was not meeting her needs and I can now see why emotionally she disconnected from me, as a man I was not loving her the way she needed to be as a wife.

She says that she still loves me, however that "walk thru fire" feeling that she had for me is no longer there. She told me that I was no longer special to her and I became ordinary and I no longer see that spark in her eyes that I once saw when she looks at me, and I have no one to blame but myself. I am trying hard every day to prove to her that I am still the man she fell in love with (she tells me with a straight face that I could never be that man to her again). If I could turn back the hand of time I would do things so differently. I would have run away from that other woman and not look back. This was the only affair I had in over 15 years of marriage, but she said to me the other day, "If our son was caught cheating on one part of an exam and his buddy was caught cheating on the entire exam, which one would be the cheater and which one should fail the exam." I got it and it when I heard that it broke my heart and I can only imagine what her days must be like. I love her with all my heart but sometimes I think this is a hurt she cannot live and she will eventually say the heartache is not worth it, I know I do not deserver her. I hope and pray she can truly get over this but since she is on this site a year later, I truly think she will not. I did not see a whole lot of married men on this site, but if you are out there and you are contemplating an affair, please take heed, it is not worth losing the woman that you love respect, it is not worth putting friends and family through the heartache. Do not walk away from the affair RUN.


The Wife 7 years ago

Dear MM who had an affair,

My husband is still having an affair ( 9 months now) on me after 20 yrs of marriage, and the pain will never go away no matter what. You thought only of yourself in the moment, and your selfish act has a price to pay for that. The sad thing is, so does your Family, and they do not deserve that. There will be no easy answer for you other then treat her today, like you will lose her tomrorow, and anyone else involded. I wish your Family Happiness and Love.


MM who had an affair 7 years ago

To The Wife,

That is solid advice and I will take heed, also I pray you find happiness as well.

Thanks


Crazed 7 years ago

:)


First Glance profile image

First Glance 7 years ago from Mumbai

I WAS HAVING AFFAIR WITH A WIDOW LADY, SHE WAS HAVING 3 KIDA. WE SPEND SO MUCH OF PLEASENT MOMENTS WHICH I STILL REMEMBER WHEN I SIT ALONE. WE WAS LIKE HUSBAND AND WIFE AND SHE WAS DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH ME, BUT I WAS IN PUZZLE COZ SHE OFFERED ME FOR MARRIAGE. AS I WAS MARRIED BEFORE. SO I THOUGHT TO STAY OUT OF THIS SITUATION....WHAT I WANT TO SAY IS IF YOU ARE A HAPPYLY MARRIED DONT BROKE YOUR MARRIED RELATIONS FOR A OUT SIDER LADY....IF YOU ARE REALLY INVOLVED IN YOUR AFFAIR...THEN I MUST SAY KEEP BOTH THE WOMEN FAR...THIS IS WHY I AM SAYING COZ I GOT A FRIEND WHO DID A MISTAKE. HE INTRODUCED HER WIFE TO HIS GIRL FRIEND, NOW THE GIRL FRIEND IS COMMING TO HIS HOUSE DAILY AS SHE WAS NOW HIE WIFE'S FRIEND AND HE BECOME A FOOL..NO SECREATS OF HIS FAMILY WAS OF HIS OWN NOW...HOPE YOU WILL UNDERSTAND..

PLZ FOLLOW WHAT I SAY, REST YOU ARE THE PILOT OF YOUR LIFE...

TAKE CARE


FREE AT LAST!!!! 7 years ago

All men who do this....is a bunch of Loosers, today I finally woke up and realize life with a MM is a wasted life, I been contemplating leaving for quite sometime Ive realize all he been doing was using me and he will never leave his W. she is a security blanket for him (he lives in her apartment) and she put up with his infedility because she is older than him with 2 kid plus 1 for him and very insecure. I made it clear to her I don't want him, I hope they have a good life, that I want a man who can be honest with me. He will always cheat on her, he cheated on her with me, he cheated on me with other women, he is a born cheater and will never change. I am glad I am out of this mess. Thank you Lord for saving me.


PriVateStoCk  7 years ago

Thank you for this- I learned a lot & it made me gain perspective on what we started...only a month into the fling with the MM & it has been one big fantasy world. We are good friends-never meant to let it go this far & we both know it needs to stop. He is happy with his wife/life/kids & has no intention of leaving.I'd never expect it or ask it of him. I want happiness for all concerned. Not the heartache & drama I've read about over & over. Have to say it is a real bummer to have to look around before you hug a person.Honestly- no one was trying for anything. Just happened. Had known each other & been friends for months.It was never even a thought that we would have EVER ended up fooling around. Not ever. I was always the type to say how could you?;if I heard of an affair. I have turned away married guys before. Always thought it so wrong-had opinions & judgement to dole out for those crossing the line. Now look. I crossed the line & hell I jumped rope with it. I hate it,that I fleetingly grabbed hold of someone elses good thing but the selfish greedy side that felt so happy when he hugged me so tightly...suddenly...we wanted more.I wanted what she has with him. But I know that is not going to happen.Have to let him go... damn hard to walk away from something I want more than anything in the world-I really DO love him.That is why I HAVE to let it go. It was a mistake,but I will not regret the few beautiful moments I was allowed to share with my friend. Can't help who we fall in love with- but I can help who I lay with. Told him if he were single,I'd never let him go. He said were he single, he'd not be single long,he'd carry me over the threshold. Nice sentiment,I am very flattered- but its all fantasy. What a tease and a heartbreak. I thought of how easy it would be to accept having pieces of happiness.Told myself it'd be better than nothing,that any piece of him I was allowed was somehow so special & sacred I was willing to accept it. Or am I ?Hmm...not really. I want more.I want the entire package.True love should not have to be hidden. The truth hits hard when he drives away in the opposite direction to go home to a great family & I am home alone,waiting for the next small moment to be in his presence. Sneaking around sucks,and is not 'us' at all. I am horrified at the thought of being found out,and the unhappiness it would create.It was easy to pretend he was a single entity-at work you don't SEE his family or wife. You know it is the truth-but just so easy to pretend he's mine for a while.A game. A lie. I should not borrow what is not mine. It's a mind-f***,to want to fight for what makes you happy yet know that you have no right to fight for it. Not at all. He told me if she were to find out & asked him WHY...He'd have no answer. Nothing like this has ever happened to him before. He fell for me & was just as shocked as I was by it.He makes no promises. I know he loves me - but it is not on the same level.Deep love for her, I am just an exciting thing that blindsided him & boosts his ego. He represents everything I want in a real relationship. We want to remain friends. It's going to be damn hard. Don't know if I can do it. Being next to him at work will be hard. We have broken it off over & over. We talk about how wrong it is.We KNOW better. WHY is it so hard to stop?! Talk & talk ...then as soon as we are within sight of each other it starts all over again. The more we try to do the right thing-seems like it makes us all the more aware of each other,and makes it worse. A few more days & we will be back at work ... I hope we can set things right and keep it that way. Thanks again to all who shared-it meant a lot to me & helped me find strength I need to do the right thing. *hug*


Desperate 7 years ago

Private Stock, i know how you feel - i know i am doing the wrong thing, but i can't stop. I am having an affair with my friend's partner of 4 years. She is pushing for marriage, but he tells me he isnt sure what he wants. We've been friends since he and his girlfriend started going out, but we've slowly been getting more involved over the last 6 months, and recently started having sex on a regular basis. i feel horribly guilty, but most of my guilt is because i know i want to do it again. What am i doing? I know i should get out before it gets any worse, but the truth is i just don't want to enough. What does that make me? I despise myself for my weakness.

Someone please help me find the strength before i ruin all three of our lives...


Dont be # 2  7 years ago

To Private Stock and Desperate:

Don't worry what you do in the dark comes out in the light soon enough... Please go back and read "MM who had an affair" comments to really understand your role in all of this. Bench players... to the MM is not even about you.. funny huh!

To Desperate some kind of friend you are. I guess MM's private part was more important than your friendship. I cannot wait for his girlfriend to find out (the truth always come out) and after she kicks him to the curb, and he kicks you to the curb (why would he want to be in lasting relationship with you.. when you value yourself and your own personal relationships so little) then you will have a lot of time to reflect on your own shortcomings!!!

Peace


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine

If a married man or woman cheats once, chances are they'll cheat again. It's not because they don't get enough sex at home, it's not because they're stressed and need stress relief, it's not because they don't love their partner at home. It's because they crave the excitement of the affair, it's like an adrenalin rush to them.


loving my affair 7 years ago

I have been in a affair with a married man for 19 months i care deeply for him i know he does care for me to he just wont say so i can feel it.....he puts his arms around me after sex stays and talks to me will text me just to talk...and he got mad cause my oldest sons dad was at my house early one morning he drove by and saw his car so that tells me he cares......he wont leave his wife i know she makes good money and i dont but there is some feelings for me on his part i know my instincts are usually not wrong she desreves what he is doing to her she wont have sex with him much plus she is ugly for another looks like a dyke.....she lets him text wont ask who it is lets him keep his phone locked that right there is dumb .....women keep track of your men or they will cheat just like my married guy does.....he puts his myspace private and has single on it and wont let her be on his friend list so thats not a man that loves his wife and she is stupid for not throwing a fit about his myspace so dumb.......i will continue to see him and her dumb ass will never know lol


alicialacyparker profile image

alicialacyparker 7 years ago from On earth

Well this is an article I just couldnt wait to get my fingers around. You should not mess around with married men or women. There are so many people who break their vows while being married that some people seem to think its normal and exceptable behavior. Well it isn't. When two people take those vows of marriage they agree to be together forever.... When someone decides to go out side of the marriage for sexual pleasures they leave the other party in harms way for all kind of physical and emotions problems.. Cheats.. they are out there willing to give you what they wont give their wife,or husband,and partake of the moment.. What is wrong with just leaving the relationship? Most people who cheat just want their cake and eat it too (Selfish)... When you cheat its evident that your not happy so instead of making someone elses worst night mare come true just Leave.... pack yah bags and go.. for those men and wemen who enjoy cheating think about someone being with your wife or husbadn while your out having fun.. ... I bet you would keep your self at home then,..Think about the lives you effect when you cheat..


dont't be # 2  7 years ago

To Loving my Affair:

Can somone say "get hooked on phonics", also your married man won't say because he does not feeel anything for you other than instant gratification (I know that is a big word, please look it up). Your instincts should be telling you to run for the hills. He was not jealous that your oldest baby daddy was there (by the way how many baby daddy's do you have), he was mad he couldn't get off (BIG DIFFERENCE). Sweetheart you spend a lot of time analyzing your MM's action, my suggestion to you is to maybe pick up a book from time to time, that way when you post a blog it makes sense..

PS... MY space is for people like you and your MM looking for a booty call, really not for grown-ups, my guess is that his wife have to much class to be on such a page. Please do not worry about his wife, you clearly stated she makes good money, so when she finds out and kicks him to the curb, (she will no doubt be a better woman for it) and you will still be without him because then the thrill of sneaking around with someone as easy as you, will be over for him, and you will not be worth his time. So enjoy the low life while you can!!!

PEACE!!!


jxb7076 profile image

jxb7076 7 years ago from United States of America

Veronica: my response is strictly from a male point of view and I don't intend to be mean or disrespectful but you're nothing more than a "booty call" or the answer to every cheating husband's fantasy. Cheating husbands love cheating women who can keep their mouth shut. If he does leave his wife what make you think he will be faithful to you - forget it! Whatever you do, do not punish the wife by revealing your dirty secret in an attempt to punish the man. The best punishment for the man is to leave the relationship and take out a restraining order. That will crush him much more than telling his wife. Telling his wife may have a significant financial impact, based on her response to the news however, ending the relationship with him will have an emotional impact and strike to the core of his male ego - now that will be the crusher. Besides, hanging out with him is hindering your chance of finding your personal soul mate.

juat an opinion.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

jxb7076

Your wording is very poor. You addressed your comment to me and then wrote in second person stating "you are nothing more than a booty call" when clearly my opinion was to call the mistress that wrote to me, an ass. You and I share the same opinion. I'm not sure if you didn't bother to read the article and posted your comment, or if you intended it for the commenters that are having affairs with married men inspite of addressing it to me.

V


jxb7076 profile image

jxb7076 7 years ago from United States of America

Veronica - please accept my apologies. My comment was intended for the mistress who wrote to you - the person having the affair.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

jxb7076 - Sweet. Thank you. I was reading your hubs earlier, and became your fan.

I just always want my stand in this to be clear even though alot of open discussion has taken place in the comments between different people.


jxb7076 profile image

jxb7076 7 years ago from United States of America

Understood and thanks for becoming a fan. I hope my hubs don't bore you!


mawmaw 7 years ago

hi veronica,

im into relationship with the married man but what makes it different theve been separated for a year already but not legally separated. the guy doesnt and still looking for a job doesnt have money for divorce.. they have a child...he says he havent seen his wife for a long time and no communication with her.. i believe him .... but should i wait for their legal separation or continue this relationship...am i waitng for somthing or what.. im so confused i dont know what to do ....


A_little_different  7 years ago

I am a 19 (going on 20 in a few days) female was has known her partner for about two years. July 21 st is our two year anniversary. He's 52 and has been married twice before and is currently in an unhappy marriage. He was separated from her for a while before she realized she was dependent on him (he owns his own law business) and asked him to come back under a "dont ask dont tell" type of situation. At least that was what I was told. The difference is our lifestyle. We live a Dom/sub type of relationship. Its not like Hollywood its just us and what works for us. We are not extreme just different. Our relationship sets up certain boundaries we are both happy in. When we first meet almost two years ago we started as friends. I had currently been in a LTR that hadn't worked out. And by that time we had become really close friends often sharing everything from funny moments to the problems we had that day. We didn't move to the next step in our relationship till August of this past year. I lived in NY and it was the first time I could come out and see him. I had brought a friend with me who knew about us and was there for support really (and to vacation). After spending a week with him our friendship became a lot stronger (at this point I should point out nothing sexual occurred). I want to make clear that our relationship wasn't spontaneous. It was a slow progression of care, love, and respect. After that week we meet again for a weekend in October for his birthday. This was our first real moment together as a couple. We wanted to take that step. It wasn't in the heat of the moment. It was calmly talked about and discussed for a while. I went back to NY to finish up college and came out here about a month ago to relocate. There were some rocky moments at first as we both attempted to re-adjust to the situation. I came here with the full knowledge of his situation and that he doesn't plan to leave his wife. He has no children. And if he did leave his wife he has no plans on getting re-married. He hired me at his firm as his assistant. his wife gets up around 4 oclock to go to work and goes to bed by 8 oclock. He gets up about 9 oclock comes over here to shower. have breakfast with me. Go to work together. And is with me from 9am to just about 9pm. when he goes home to take care of what he has to for the next day. I'm with him more then most people. And yes... I dont get the nights. I only get a few hours during the holidays. But I really care for him. Completely. Its not a crush and its not something that was made in the heat of the moment. It was a bond that formed from a strong relationship, communication, and care. I guess what I am saying is this... if you accept that he has to do what he has to do. Are flexible about his lifestyle. And can come to terms that being with him part of the time is better then being with someone else all of the time. Maybe the situation is right for you. But only you can make that call. Have an open mind and heart. And if you really care for someone... dont demand they change who they are. My partner was married. Is married. And will be married till he dies if he wants to be. I feel in love with him fully knowing this and I'm ok with that because it works for us. If you remember to be flexible, play things by ear, and accept him for who he is. You CAN have a relationship with a married man.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

A_little_different,

I tend to stay away from interaction with commenters on this hub but wanted to make an exception in your case. I think you missed the point of the article and I also see that your situation is not what I was talking about.

BTW, I am having a very very hard time believing your age. You sound VERY mature, intelligent, accepting and wise for 19-20. So much so that I really do not believe that's your age.

The two things with you that are completely different than the other situations I'm discussing in the article, are:

You're in a Dom/sub power exchange situation which is a completely different set of rules, and the fact that his wife knows he isn't faithful. An open relationship is a decision consenting adults are absolutely free to make. It's not for everyone, I know I couldn't do it, but I know of many couples that do it just fine. The fact that she doesn't want to hear the details doesn't cancel out the fact that she knows.

You situation is fine. But your advice is a little off. This entire article is based on the idea that the cheater is a liar. No matter what, that isn't acceptable. You do not have a liar. You have someone in a Dominant role in your life who is also in an open marriage where he and his wife chose together not to discuss the details. He and his wife respect each other's privacy and wishes in their "don't ask don't tell" arrangement, but that doesn't make it any less honest.

Honey, that is entirely different than being part of a lie. Telling people to be flexible and open minded and open hearted is a sweet idea, but in this case, as it pertains to this hub regarding married liars, it's just wrong. Saying - don't demand that they change who they are - is insane. You should absolutely demand honesty from your partner, in his relations with you and with others.

The point of the hub is not marriages that failed, or open relationships, or agreements adults come to together. It's not at all about deciding to be with a married man in an open relationship. It's about cheating. It's about lies and deception. And that is never, ever acceptable. Ever. 

I wish you the best in your life, but I would warn you to be careful not to confuse it with being with a cheater, and not to offer advice to people who are not in a situation anywhere near the honest one you're having. Namaste.


the aftermath 7 years ago

should i say with my husband??? is anyone else in this situation.

I have had the most amazing loving relationship for 20 years..lots of sex and all the trimmings. My husband had always treated me with love and respect and me him.

I went to university and I now know how lonely he felt even though I thought I was considering him every day. A rep at work who I now know was very needy and had been through a lot of the same bad childhood experiences came on the scene.

It all went slowly wrong from this point..over time she set him up the perfect honey trap..it was taked about as a friendship he wouldnt give up..because they had this connection...

I never had enough evidence like a lot of women who fear a woman is making a hard play for their husband..but I new that she was using every weapon she had to turn him against me and to get him nearer to her.

This was what I know know as 'an emotional affair' it eventially led to a short sexual affair about a year ago...which I found out when she turned up on my door step!!!!!

My husband became very mentally messed up and did all the classic lying etc..he is a good guy though and always had been till this person came along.

He wants to be with me for the rest of his life and says he is relieved to be through this period. It is totally over and my natural reaction was to love and forgive....

Is this a common thing and should I do this..how ever strong our feelings still are for each other should I still be here?????????????


Walked away 7 years ago

I walked away from a married man who was also a good friend.

Its hurting sooo much I feel continually ill.

He wanted to remain friends , coz he got back with his wife - please tell me im doing the rite thing....

sometimes I wonder if i remained friends - whether i could cope... He wants to I know I want more ,but the reality hits home...


SSamzZ 7 years ago

RE: Affairs... I also walked away from a married man 7yrs ago, he had kids, and his wife was having a relationship with another man... He was faithful to her and didnt want to cheat. We couldnt, we remained friends up until recently... nothing had changed in his married life. No passion, no love, just the kids... we are now sexsually involved... but he still doesnt want his family to find out. People stay in these love-less relationships because they dont want to lose everything they worked so darn hard for... PERIOD.


anotherone 7 years ago

I've been having an affair with a married man for 4 years. Its also a long distance relationship so I don't get to see him very often. Now i've not seen him since December. Our communication is done via phone and computer. We've been thru alot in 4 years, from him cheating on both me and his wife with other women to many other countless things. I've read so much here, and there is tons of it that sound just like me and what i'm going thru. Since December I've thought continously of getting out, cause of the pain, the lonliness, and the constant feeling of being used. Although to hear him tell it he doesn't use me, he loves me, is so in love with me and doesn't love his wife like he loves me, never has. I hear how lazy she is and all of those other things they say to make you feel sorry for them. We fight ALOT. Sometimes it gets ugly, name calling, me threatening to tell his wife, constant screaming matches. And of course he's always right. He tells me how I'm the insecure one and that if I could just better understand his situation our relationship would go alot smoother. He can't stand his wife, says shes nasty, only has sex with her cause he has too so she won't become suspicisous. But yet he's taking her away next weekend on a trip for her birthday, well its for a club he is part of.

I get the will to leave then lose it and run back or as soon as I hear him from him I drop my guard to alot it to start all over again. More lately I think about getting away than actually being with him, I just can't seem to make that final move to close the door on that part of my life.

I am a good person, I am a good mother I've just made some BAD decisions in my life. I am 36 years old and have given up 4 years of my life to this man, with nothing to show for it. There are times when my son is away with his dad that I get so depressed I can't even bring myself to leave the house. My friends and family say "girl you've never been a person to take crap from ANYONE" yet you let this guy manipulate you, hurt you, call you names, put you down and make you feel like a piece of trash. And they are exactly right, I do. He's like a drug to me and I can't kick the habit. I have forgotten where I begin. I'm not sure I know how or can find who I am again. I honestly can say I feel worthless at times. My heart breaks to think of losing him yet I long for so much more and am so tired of being alone....................I've lost who I am in this man. I am not the same happy go lucky person I use to be. I have to be careful of what I do or say for fear of making him mad and him flying mad at me. Anyway, it's such a mess, I'm such a mess. I read the stories here and think I can do this, I can walk away, yet I can't find the strength to do so.......... :(


walk away 7 years ago

anotherone..... I was in the same position as you... believe me we ended up talking on the phone last saw him in January.

I was a mess.. pathetic ...depressed .. dependent saddo!

he said he his wife was an excellent mother, but he wasnt attracted to her- but has to have sex with her.. coz the in laws keep a check on him!!!

who the sad one.... he wanted to remain friends ... mainly i think coz he wanted to keep mestanding still.. I havent moved on in 5 years. for some reason ... I made a decision... I told 2 good friends and each time i nearly backtracked... they reminded me what a wonderful person i was and deserved better.

I havent looked back... I've shredded all presents and fought with myself not to go back...its an addiction and like any bad habit ... needs to be broken.... you can do it... I honestly thought i couldnt ... but I am soo proud of myself.... I've stopped crying.

walk away and make sure your friends are there for you when you do... its for the best


walked away  7 years ago

walk away - & dont look back....

its hard.... make sure you have friends around to help you.It'll be tempting to see what hes doing.... dont!!!

remind yourself how unhappy you are... remind yourself of all the awful things he said... remind yourself you are the best.

hes not yours for sharing


walked away  7 years ago

walk away - & dont look back....

its hard.... make sure you have friends around to help you.It'll be tempting to see what hes doing.... dont!!!

remind yourself how unhappy you are... remind yourself of all the awful things he said... remind yourself you are the best.

hes not yours for sharing


don't be number 2 7 years ago

Veronica I loved your site... However I have had enough of these whining other women who want these trifling ass married men:

who only loves you (but cannot leave his wife)

only have sex with his wife (out of obligation, OW always seem to fall for this line.. unbelievable)

wife is unattractive (yet he married her)

but this is the "coup de gras" the OW has put her life on hold (in some cases for years for a stolen moment here or there) meanwhile the MM has continued with every aspect of his life with his wife in the midst of it all.

Whose the fool???????????????

Bye Veronica, I loved the article but I cannot believe some of the comments, from the OW, who no doubt knew what she was getting into from the beginning, you deserve every bit of unhappiness that you are getting, KARMA always comes back to bite you in the ass, and it always comes back a little harder than you dished out......Again I say enjoy the low-life while you can, that "wanker" must be a powerful tool, makes me wish I had one, and here I thought we were the smarter sex.. In the case of the OW I say "NOT!!!!"


wifeeofmj 7 years ago

Let me post my story- I was married to my husband for over 20 years. He was a cheater. I met him when he was 19 he just die this summer, at age 48. Many of the women called to hurt once they learned he had passed-most did not ask from what or who. They all had the same story..he was tired of me and he only stayed because he didn't want me to have half...well now I have it all, they have cards, maybe photos of a couple of gift. Like the good book says for better or worse until death does he part to heart. My husdand never hit, talked nasty to me, he paid all the bills, keep me in the style of life he enjoyed why leave I didn't have to have relation with him at all I got the vactions, the cars, the check book, his family and the title WIFE. FYI when a wife stays it's often because she does love him and she understands him!


Col 7 years ago

Anyone here interested in another perspective and the views and opinions of a married man whose 5 year relationship has just ended with a single girl who I fell deeply in love with and with whom I wanted to have a permanent full time relationship?


deserted 7 years ago

Hi all

Thanks everyone for interesting comments and insights. Here is my story. I had an affair with a married man ( same stories and comments about his wife); after 2 years of a fling, I fell pregnant by him and now have a lovely 2 and a half year old son. When I told him about the pregnancy, he ran as fast as he could (rejected me and very distance). He never supported me during the pregnancy. He confessed to his wife regarding the affair and pregnancy. apparently, she abused him and yelled and screamed but allowed him to continue with the marriage. I went through soooo much in my life (from pregnancy till now) and he says he want to leave his family but it will be "so much distruption". I have decided to leave and walk away from all the lies and deception however, dont know what to do with my son and his father relationship. He wants to keep in touch but in secret. Please help!!!!!!!!!!I FEEL VERY DESERTED.


lizzy 7 years ago

To the wives of cheaters

I understand and respect your pain and your need to place the guilt of the affair on someone else than the person you truly love, your husband. The initial pain when one finds out that one has been cheated on is probably so severe that the brain switches to denial mode. The harsh reality of leaving your husband and having to live life alone is too hard to cope with and putting the blame on the mistress becomes a way of justifying why you have not left your husband.

Truth is, many of the mistresses have not seduced your husband but have been seduced by them. Many men do not initially mention that they are married. It is often a (very important) point that is only brought up after the other woman has already fallen for him.

Moreover, the mistress is often only a normal woman who feels lonely (since you have been living together with someone else for quite a longer time and have a family, you might not really realize how lonely single people can feel), and the attention of a nice, warm and affectionate man feels like a warm shower in the middle of winter to her. Even though the mistress deep inside realizes that she should not give in to his advances, she is just an easy prey.

Also, take a quick look at some (sex)dating websites on the internet; they are full of advertisements of men who are seeking sex and/or affairs outside their marriage. Some of them are upfront about it, some of them hide their marital status.

As a woman you should stop placing blame on other women. Eve might have bitten the apple, but the snake surely did seduce her to do it...


MadlyInLove 7 years ago

Hi Veronica. I would really appreciate your advice. Allow me to explain my situation...

When I started work at my current company, I clicked immediately with a guy who worked there. We made each other laugh, had amazing chemistry and a sort of bond, which is hard to explain. We became good friends, but as he was married I thought he only saw me as a friend, although I did have feelings for him.

We had been good friends for a year, when we ended up kissing at a friend's party (after having a lot to drink). Nothing else happened for a while after that, but we grew closer and closer, and he told me about his marital problems. I listened and gave advice etc AS A FRIEND (genuinely - I wasn't trying to get my claws into him). He wasn't "trying it on" with me, either... he just needed someone to lean on. He and his wife had been having problems for years and he didn't think their relationship could be mended but they have two children together, so he couldn't just leave..... however things were volatile at home and he was very unhappy with his situation, and realised that this was affecting his kids too.

One evening we were talking about the night we had kissed and he told me that it had meant so much to him - I was shocked at this information and asked him to elaborate but he said that he couldn't... eventually, after more questioning, he wrote me a letter explaining that he had fallen for me and had had feelings for me for around a year, and since we'd kissed he had not been able to get me off his mind. He said that he had to tell me how he felt, but could not persue it. I accepted that, but inevitably, when the opportunity presented itself a week or so later, we ended up kissing, and both confessed that we wanted it to go further.

When I went on a trip abroad about a month afterwards, being apart made us realise how strongly we felt and we admitted that we were both deeply in love with each other. After this, he would come to see me at every opportunity. He told me of his plans to move out of his home, and that he couldn't do it suddenly because of the children, which I understood. He promised me that he would leave.

He swears to this day that he never has (and never will) lie to me. I am inclined to believe him as we are very close, and open and honest which each other (even painfully honest).

Around 2 months ago, he wrote me a letter explaining that although he loved me and wanted me in his life he could not walk out on his children. He had tried, but he couldn't bare the thought of his children not having their dad living with them. I understand this, as he is totally devoted to them. Another reason was that things had calmed down at home and he and his wife were on much better terms, almost friends (nothing more though, apparently) therefore the children were not hearing them argue etc and seeing their parents unhappy.

Since his letter, we have stayed close, but have tried to break up several times because he feels that he can't live with the guilt, but it simply doesn't last, as we keep coming to the same conclusion: we love each other too much to end it. Although he and his wife get on better, he has told her that he is only there for the children and she seems to accept this (as she only seems to want security and stability from him). They have not been intimate since before he and I started seeing each other.

However he maintains that he won't leave. I keep trying to justify it all by telling myself that he's a good person, just messed up. Because I knew him as a friend beforehand, I know how lovely he is and he really didn't intend to get into this situation; he hates all the lies and deceipt as much as I do. I don't feel like I can (or want to) give up on him. I have never felt such a connection with anyone before, and he says the same about me. As much as the guilt is eating him up, he doesn't want our relationship to end either.

I don't know what to do anymore!! This has been going on for 6 months now and I am totally besotted with him. I am only 24 years old - I shouldn't be bogged down with these sort of worries - but I love him too much to move on. Any comments or advice would be much appreciated!! Thank you.


MadlyInLove 7 years ago

Hi Veronica. I would really appreciate your advice. Allow me to explain my situation...

When I started work at my current company, I clicked immediately with a guy who worked there. We made each other laugh, had amazing chemistry and a sort of bond, which is hard to explain. We became good friends, but as he was married I thought he only saw me as a friend, although I did have feelings for him.

We had been good friends for a year, when we ended up kissing at a friend's party (after having a lot to drink). Nothing else happened for a while after that, but we grew closer and closer, and he told me about his marital problems. I listened and gave advice etc AS A FRIEND (genuinely - I wasn't trying to get my claws into him). He wasn't "trying it on" with me, either... he just needed someone to lean on. He and his wife had been having problems for years and he didn't think their relationship could be mended but they have two children together, so he couldn't just leave..... however things were volatile at home and he was very unhappy with his situation, and realised that this was affecting his kids too.

One evening we were talking about the night we had kissed and he told me that it had meant so much to him - I was shocked at this information and asked him to elaborate but he said that he couldn't... eventually, after more questioning, he wrote me a letter explaining that he had fallen for me and had had feelings for me for around a year, and since we'd kissed he had not been able to get me off his mind. He said that he had to tell me how he felt, but could not persue it. I accepted that, but inevitably, when the opportunity presented itself a week or so later, we ended up kissing, and both confessed that we wanted it to go further.

When I went on a trip abroad about a month afterwards, being apart made us realise how strongly we felt and we admitted that we were both deeply in love with each other. After this, he would come to see me at every opportunity. He told me of his plans to move out of his home, and that he couldn't do it suddenly because of the children, which I understood. He promised me that he would leave.

He swears to this day that he never has (and never will) lie to me. I am inclined to believe him as we are very close, and open and honest which each other (even painfully honest).

Around 2 months ago, he wrote me a letter explaining that although he loved me and wanted me in his life he could not walk out on his children. He had tried, but he couldn't bare the thought of his children not having their dad living with them. I understand this, as he is totally devoted to them. Another reason was that things had calmed down at home and he and his wife were on much better terms, almost friends (nothing more though, apparently) therefore the children were not hearing them argue etc and seeing their parents unhappy.

Since his letter, we have stayed close, but have tried to break up several times because he feels that he can't live with the guilt, but it simply doesn't last, as we keep coming to the same conclusion: we love each other too much to end it. Although he and his wife get on better, he has told her that he is only there for the children and she seems to accept this (as she only seems to want security and stability from him). They have not been intimate since before he and I started seeing each other.

However he maintains that he won't leave. I keep trying to justify it all by telling myself that he's a good person, just messed up. Because I knew him as a friend beforehand, I know how lovely he is and he really didn't intend to get into this situation; he hates all the lies and deceipt as much as I do. I don't feel like I can (or want to) give up on him. I have never felt such a connection with anyone before, and he says the same about me. As much as the guilt is eating him up, he doesn't want our relationship to end either.

I don't know what to do anymore!! This has been going on for 6 months now and I am totally besotted with him. I am only 24 years old - I shouldn't be bogged down with these sort of worries - but I love him too much to move on. Any comments or advice would be much appreciated!! Thank you.


geordiegirl 7 years ago

As the wife of a man who has had at least two affairs that I know of, I can tell you this, men who cheat are by definition utter liars. They are hurting everyone around them, wives, children, girlfriends ( although I have little sympathy for them ), nobody escapes the fall out, how can it be worth it ? Girls dont kid yoursef that it is only the wife who is being lied to !

They cheat because they can, usually via work and the stupid wife at home is boring, or a bitch, blah blah blah..... The girls they cheat with are often younger and easily impressed, and please if you are that woman contemplating or in an affair, stop, please dont get involved because the hurt you help cause is torture.

My husband has ruined my life and destroyed my self esteem, I will never trust another man and I dont know what to tell my children.

He says he loves me and the other women mean nothing to him, In a way I feel sorry for him and find it all a bit pathetic, does that make any sense to anyone ?


agree 7 years ago

ggirl- I echo your comments. My husband been lying to me for 20 years - says that it didnt mean anything - used work as the best excuse. whilst i was working and bringing up our kids he was fooling around with his bitches.... In a way I've started to slowly feel nothing for him.....and like you see him as rather pathetic... a liar and a cheat. Known him since we were 17. we have 2 kids. I know hes had a string of affairs ........ I tried to get back at him by trying to do the same .... but I ended up hurting myself ... as I found it hard to be unfaithful.still with him... very numbed by the experience. when i tried to do the same - beacame friends with another married man |-and I saw both sides of the coin.... i could have also have become the other woman ! couldnt do that to another wife..... i know how much it upset me....

so what now..........................numbed bythe experience.


agree 7 years ago

ggirl- I echo your comments. My husband been lying to me for 20 years - says that it didnt mean anything - used work as the best excuse. whilst i was working and bringing up our kids he was fooling around with his bitches.... In a way I've started to slowly feel nothing for him.....and like you see him as rather pathetic... a liar and a cheat. Known him since we were 17. we have 2 kids. I know hes had a string of affairs ........ I tried to get back at him by trying to do the same .... but I ended up hurting myself ... as I found it hard to be unfaithful.still with him... very numbed by the experience. when i tried to do the same - beacame friends with another married man |-and I saw both sides of the coin.... i could have also have become the other woman ! couldnt do that to another wife..... i know how much it upset me....

so what now..........................numbed bythe experience.


JustMe 7 years ago

Some women need to wake up. Just because you're married, you think you're well and secure. The fact is you need to come out with something innovative to capture your husband's attention. Who cares if you've been married for 13 years with 4 kids or so? If you're a fat ass or you come from a rich family and think you're the best, you'd think your husband wouldn't be out doing some hanky-panky with a younger hotter girl? It makes it WORSE if your husband is always outstation and comes home only on weekends. Sweetie, he doesn't only have 1 girlfriend. He would have at least 1 gf, and some other affairs. I know this because i know 1 guy who does this. A very close friend of mine. As a wife, you don't blame your husband or the other women if you're only a weekend wife because you wanna stay close to your mum and dad. If you don't wanna follow him and stay close to where he works, believe me honey, he has other GF'S. Some guys wanna stay because of the wife's status. Feels sorry if he divorces his wife nobody would wanna be with her and take care of his kids. Well at least that's what i've heard. "My wife is so much more heavier than me"."My wife beats me up if i don't give her the answer she wants to hear". "She eats McDonald's at midnight". "How does she spend a thousand a week for the household". Women, how the hell are you going to satisfy him in his favorite position;with you on top if your body is like a full barrel?? Wake up and smell the coffee.


JustMe 7 years ago

Some women need to wake up. Just because you're married, you think you're well and secure. The fact is you need to come out with something innovative to capture your husband's attention. Who cares if you've been married for 13 years with 4 kids or so? If you're a fat ass or you come from a rich family and think you're the best, you'd think your husband wouldn't be out doing some hanky-panky with a younger hotter girl? It makes it WORSE if your husband is always outstation and comes home only on weekends. Sweetie, he doesn't only have 1 girlfriend. He would have at least 1 gf, and some other affairs. I know this because i know 1 guy who does this. A very close friend of mine. As a wife, you don't blame your husband or the other women if you're only a weekend wife because you wanna stay close to your mum and dad. If you don't wanna follow him and stay close to where he works, believe me honey, he has other GF'S. Some guys wanna stay because of the wife's status. Feels sorry if he divorces his wife nobody would wanna be with her and take care of his kids. Well at least that's what i've heard. "My wife is so much more heavier than me"."My wife beats me up if i don't give her the answer she wants to hear". "She eats McDonald's at midnight". "How does she spend a thousand a week for the household". Women, how the hell are you going to satisfy him in his favorite position;with you on top if your body is like a full barrel?? A man who has had affairs, he WILL NEVER STOP having an affair. Wake up and smell the coffee.


do not care to give a name 7 years ago

to Just me:

What the hell are you talking about. You are not making an ounce of sense. "A mind is a terrible thing to waste".

To the Wives: If your husband is having an affair with someone like "JustMe", all I can say is that you really need to leave him... What a Pick!!!!

The other woman usually have the same amount of common sense as JustMe...


Genny 7 years ago

Sad as it is...I spent 17 years with a cheater, then left him and ...then went on to spend 19 years with a MM...before I ended everything with him . Had known him for over 25 years in total. Found out he his new toy is a 22 year old gal...So I hired a private detective to provide her with all the posts here...I feel the most sorry for his new victim..Believe me he is the master of seduction. His wife is aware of his affairs and chooses to look the other way. I gave away 19 years of my life...and even when I found another man and dated him for a year and a half...Mr MM was hurt...said it made him feel terrible...so what did I do? Gave up the man I was dating....Went back to MM. I had to literally get sick to my stomach before I got out. I am a professional woman, I am so horribly embarrassed by all of this and have spent many hours in self forgiveness and requesting forgiveness for even him. yes even for him. I feel like we are bonded for eternity in a vile way...I am working on clearing all of this...it takes a lot of time after a 19 year affair...PLEASE ANYONE READING THIS>>> It is PAINFUL..more so to stay in than to get out...


TJ 7 years ago

I am going to attempt to hide the disdain that I feel towards all those that have disrespected and condecended to the "mistresses" - that's right! I'm defending the MISTRESSES. You have no idea what put them in that situation and I'm guessing that all those bitter women out there are the wives that have been cheated on. I've been that wife...and... I've been that mistress (a place I never thought I'd be). Do I regret it? Simply put...NO!! All those reading this will no doubt have a comment, I say bring it!!

If a man (or woman) wants to cheat...he's going to...and it doesn't matter who it's with!!! You can't lose anyone that doesn't want to be lost!!

I will not defend myself -I have no obligation to you or to anyone else reading this. You don't know me.

I don't want him with me, I told him from the very beginning I didn't want that. I just wanted someone removed from my world and he needed someone removed from his. I know a great deal about her, through him and verified through friends (mine not hers), I know he has been completely open and honest with his situation. You can choose to believe me or not (I really don't care).

This is the healthiest relationship I've ever had because we don't have any obligation to each other and aren't worried to offend each other. We say what we think, when we think it, and we make no apologies. Because we know at the end of the day, we're still there!! How many married couples can say that?!


So much better than you 7 years ago

TJ

You deserve every bit of unhappiness you get, and trust me it is coming your way. Please post it when it happens. I will so love to tell you..."I told you so". Woman like you make it so easy for men to do what they do.. Enjoy the low life while you can. As for the wife, what her husband is doing in the dark will come to light soon enough and when it does I pray she find the strength to leave Mr Low Life. She so deserve so much better.. She will be a better woman for it and you will still be that MM toilet...


Col 7 years ago

TJ I share your disdain. I feel many of the comments posted here are full of self righteous indignation and are far too judgemental without them knowing what the circumstances were that brings 2 people to have an affair. But I would say that wouldn’t I – I’m a man!

Unlike many of the women who’ve spilled out their emotions over the man that failed to leave his wife for them (and I admit its the most common outcome) I seem to be one of the few who couldn’t get his (single) girlfriend to commit to me, not the other way round! As I was to find out after waiting patiently for 5 years for her to overcome her fears of commitment, which were in fact well-founded, it actually suited her for me to be married.

Various counsellors told me she probably wouldn’t have chosen me if I had been single. It was she who kept telling me to wait before getting a divorce, it was she who wanted to avoid the issue of commitment. Every time I raised the issue she’d find an excuse to avoid the discussion. And to those who say I should have left my wife regardless of the outcome, I was advised not to do so as they feared the outcome I eventually got and believed I wouldn’t handle being left out in the cold very well. Tough, I hear you all say!

But sometimes it’s not quite as clear cut as some would have you think. A little less hysteria should be applied to what is inevitably a very emotional time for everyone who goes through something like this. I do sympathise and recognise the angst of those women who fall for married men who as time passes, show no intent and make up lots of excuses as to why they haven’t left their wife. That’s contemptible. It’s also dishonest.

I don’t think some people realise that what may start out as a fling (which is really a euphemism for lots of good sex with someone new) often leads to a deep love affair from which it’s difficult to escape, especially emotionally. So despite my plea for some understanding here, I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. My advice is – tread carefully!


just fine 7 years ago

I'M SEEING A MARRIED MAN, AND HAVE BEEN FOR 10 YEARS NOW. HE LIVES N ANOTHER STATE AND WE SEE EACH OTHER OFTEN. WHEN I FIRST MET HIM, I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS MARRIED. IN FACT, HE HAD BEEN SEPARATED FOR 2 YEARS AND LIVING ON HIS OWN. WELL I CAME ON THE SCENE DURING THAT TIME, AND WE HAVE BEEN FRIENDS EVER SINCE. I CAN'T SEE US NOT BEING FRIENDS! SOMETIMES I FEEL FOR HER, I MEAN SHE GOT HIM FAIR AND SQUARE. I ASK ABOUT HER AND THE KIDS!...I REALLY DON'T WANT HIM TO LEAVE HER TO BE W/ ME. I DON'T THINK THATS A GOOD REASON. IF HE EVER DECIDES TO LEAVE, I DON'T WANT IT TO BE TO BE WITH ME, BUT BECAUSE HE WANTS PEACE AND WOULD LEAVE REGARDLESS TO IF ANYONE WAS IN HIS LIFE! I LOVE HIM, AND I BELEIVE HE LOVES ME. IN FACT I KNOW HE DOES. I JUST CAN'T SEE US NOT BEING FRIENDS.


donallen 7 years ago

we all make choces. Good or bad its how we relate that is important. MY ex wife and hubby brought back spices from Jamaica wowo that was goodI care


73 AND ENDED IT 7 years ago

This was the best site I came across for this subject.I just need someone to tell me how to forget him and get over it. I have moved on. I am 73 and it happened to me. I am now retired and I volunteered with him. For the first 3 months I thought he was single. My daughter and granddaughter also volunteered there and they saw him in action. They loved him too, thought he was perfect for me, and were shocked to find out he was married.....He did not act married or wear a ring.He or anyone ever mentioned a wife. We had chemistry from day one. He was so attentive and complimentary all the time. He was a great hugger, winker and smiled at me all the time. He always seemed to know where I was in the building.I was really into him when I found out accidentally he was married. I put a halt to that right away. I did everything to ignore him short of quitting. It seemed the more I "dated" the more aggressive and intense it became.. We never got to the sex part as I put up with his attentions for 3 more months. I thought I could handle it. I am an educated professional woman who had 3 businesses. Been single 20 years. Never really had time for the "man" thing. Well, to make a long story short. I fell in love with him. Everyone there knew he had a thing for me before I did. This guy is good at this. He never in the 10 months he "tried" to "get" me did he ever mention his wife. EVER......As soon as I knew I had fallen for him I quit and vanished from his life. I did not want to mess with a married man.Heard he was all bent out of shape and was upset because I just walked out the door and never came back. I saw him 3 months ago very casually and he was still at it with me. Talked to me for 1 1/2 hours. I just thought to myself. "You never stop, do you?" I still get jittery when I see his car. He has never tried to contact me to find out from me why I vanished so I decided he was using me to get a few kicks 3 times a week. How long does it take to get over someone. I am way to old for this kind of crap. Ladies, these men never give up, even in their 70's. DON'T BELIEVE A WORD THEY SAY WHEN YOU FIND OUT THEY ARE MARRIED. THEY ARE NOT NICE MEN. HE DECIEVED ME, HIS WIFE, MY FAMILY TOO. Thank you for letting me vent. After reading all this sad stories I know I did the right thing.


73 AND ENDED IT 7 years ago

This was the best site I came across for this subject.I just need someone to tell me how to forget him and get over it. I have moved on. I am 73 and it happened to me. I am now retired and I volunteered with him. For the first 3 months I thought he was single. My daughter and granddaughter also volunteered there and they saw him in action. They loved him too, thought he was perfect for me, and were shocked to find out he was married.....He did not act married or wear a ring.He or anyone ever mentioned a wife. We had chemistry from day one. He was so attentive and complimentary all the time. He was a great hugger, winker and smiled at me all the time. He always seemed to know where I was in the building.I was really into him when I found out accidentally he was married. I put a halt to that right away. I did everything to ignore him short of quitting. It seemed the more I "dated" the more aggressive and intense it became.. We never got to the sex part as I put up with his attentions for 3 more months. I thought I could handle it. I am an educated professional woman who had 3 businesses. Been single 20 years. Never really had time for the "man" thing. Well, to make a long story short. I fell in love with him. Everyone there knew he had a thing for me before I did. This guy is good at this. He never in the 10 months he "tried" to "get" me did he ever mention his wife. EVER......As soon as I knew I had fallen for him I quit and vanished from his life. I did not want to mess with a married man.Heard he was all bent out of shape and was upset because I just walked out the door and never came back. I saw him 3 months ago very casually and he was still at it with me. Talked to me for 1 1/2 hours. I just thought to myself. "You never stop, do you?" I still get jittery when I see his car. He has never tried to contact me to find out from me why I vanished so I decided he was using me to get a few kicks 3 times a week. How long does it take to get over someone. I am way to old for this kind of crap. Ladies, these men never give up, even in their 70's. DON'T BELIEVE A WORD THEY SAY WHEN YOU FIND OUT THEY ARE MARRIED. THEY ARE NOT NICE MEN. HE DECIEVED ME, HIS WIFE, MY FAMILY TOO. Thank you for letting me vent. After reading all this sad stories I know I did the right thing.


SallyD 7 years ago

I have just found this site - having read the contents for the past two hours I realise I really do need help, please.

My husband and I separated exactly a year ago after 3 children (now grown) and a miserable marriage for the last 5yrs.

I have set up home a couple of miles away from the family home, returned to work, got my life on track and low and behold .............. yes you guessed it, have recently started an affair with a married man.

This came as a shock to us both - I had never previously imagined any such thing happening. I cannot believe the strength of feeling I have for this man who is definitely unavailable!

I wake up in a sweat feeling disgusted with myself one minute and in raptures the next. This affair goes against everything I have ever believed in morally. Having been faithful throughout my 25yr marriage I am amazed that I am even contemplating sleeping with a married man let alone doing so.

My MM is 10 years younger than me and makes me feel so good in every way.

So, why am I here? Because I know it will all end in tears - most likely mine. It is Saturday night and I am alone,again,berating myself for being such a stupid woman but knowing that I will not be able to resist him next time he calls.

I am hurting now and very likely will be hurting even more if the affair continues. I have had enough hurt in my marriage over the years and have been so strong this past year I felt I deserved a break. Maybe I do but a broken heart was not what I had in mind.

Please could someone out there advise me how to finish this doomed love affair before I get in too deep.

Is it not possible to just go with the flow and enjoy the time we do spend together without getting hurt or hurting anyone else?

He is very honest with me (is that an oxymoron) educated,wealthy and successful and appears to lead a separate life to his wife. He told me last night that he is falling in love with me but that ditching his family would be totally unacceptable in every way.

I do of course know this must not continue but how do I deny my feelings and give him up?

Thanks in anticipation of replies.........


Kate 7 years ago

Sally;

How do you end it? Just like that, you end it. Will it hurt, heck yeah it will hurt but the pain you will feel further down the line is going to be way worse than what you would feel now. This thing will never ever last and manipulation is the one thing married men use to get a woman attached to them. Once attached, you will do anything and everything to hold on to them, a puppet on a string. Out goes your dignity, your integrity and your self worth, not to mention your self esteem.

Sally, you deserve more than a man who will only give you a small amount of time and attention. If you were to get sick or need him to help you, he will never have the time, yet he will always have the time for his wife and family. If you felt lonely before he came into your life, be prepared to feel even lonelier as this so called relationship continues. It will only hurt you everytime he choses his wife and family over you.

End it Sally, End it now, or pay the price of extremely, unbareable pain later.

Hang on to your character, stay true to who you really are, a wonderful, decent, beautiful woman and find a man who will devote himself to you and YOU alone.

Kate


widow 7 years ago

My significant other passed away 3-1/2 months ago. I am now having an affair (10 days) with his married best friend. I know the wife, I know the situation. Married young because she was pregnant. No marital sex for the last 7 years, wife does not like to do anything hubby likes to do,his kid is 23, wife doesn't work, cook or clean. She is a needy, clingy, hypochondriac. Spends all of her time and his money gambling.

Me, I'm 44 - although not actually married to my old boyfriend, I know that it was in the works. I do not have children or any real baggage.

At this point there are/have been no promises. I do not feel guilty. I almost feel that my recently passed boyfriend has put us together to make each other happy in this life. The guys would have done anything for each other. My guy knew how very unhappy his friend was/is in his marriage. This may come to bite me in the ass but for right now. I am enjoying every minute. What will be will be.

almost a widow


Jen 7 years ago

I seem to hold a record for a long time affair with a married man...19 years worth. Not that I am proud of it... Have known him for a total of 23 years. TO all of you ladies out there..it is an "empty existence". Even though I have had 2 other boyfriends during this time (with his knowledge) it has become unbearably empty and I am moving away from the situation as I type. I have hurt him with these other male relationships, and actually felt guilty for hurting him. I on the other hand have spent most weekends, holidays and free time alone, while he enos his family life. I enjoy time alone for the most part...but at age 54 I relaize this could be the rest of my life if I do not end it and move on. Yes I love him...Yes he loves me... but it is NOT enough for me anymore. I am in the process of ending it...


Universal Laws profile image

Universal Laws 7 years ago from UNIVERSE

There were so many comments on this one that I admit I have not read them all - but, I just wondered, whether any of you have considered the sisterhood of women. If the man - any man has a relationship with another woman then do not go there. First and foremost consider your sisterhood of women. You will then never get it wrong for anyone.

There is nothing wrong with friendship, but if someone else's husband, boyfriend, committed lover comes onto you then tell them you do not go there because you revere the sisterhood of women - IT IS NEVER RIGHT TO GO THERE!

When these men have sorted themselves out, grown up emotionally and dealt with old relationships that are not working then you can go there.

Can you see, if this sisterhood of women was revered by all women then no man in a committed relationship would be able to cheat on you! Because no woman would agree to betray their sister. We are all one womanhood.

Namaste


Empty and alone 7 years ago

Hi, 5 years ago i met a guy (he was amazing and i really liked him) we were both in relationships - i ended my relationship for him and he went and got maried to his girlfriend. since after he got married we have been together and we have been having an affair (on and off for 4 years). in between that i got married (for four months) and i got divorced becuase he was so upset that i was with antoher man. after i got divorced i went to him saying that i am single and that we can be together properly the way he wanted. but he said to me that he doesnt want me no more (becuase if i can cheat on my bofriend and husband to be with him then why cant i cheat on him??) he said even though he loves me and he doesnt love his wife he does not want to be with a person like me!!! he would rather be with someone like his wife who he trusts.....

i have been depressed for the last 4 years...and i dont think i will get over this...i know it is my fault - but i was so madly in love with him that i recked everything in my life to be with him and make him happy.....he left me for dead.......i am so alone and empty.....i had a husband and a boyfriend who treated me so well (even though i didnt deserve it) i left all that to be with him....and i got nothing....

in between all this his wife found out and she forgave him - and he thinks the world of her because she stuck by him ....he didnt care what i did for him.

he left me and now he cares about his wife....we have broken up thousands of times in the last 5 years - but he comes back to me - now that he has complety dystroyed me he has left me alone!!! i hope he is happyy!!!!!


debra 7 years ago

I am married to a man that is cheating and he doesn't know that I know. I love him dearly and am hoping that it will run its course and he realizes that he is loved and appreciate at home. He suffers depression and is in midlife crisis at 55yrs, doubting himself as a man because of loss of income in this recession and to top it off we are losing our home. I don't know if the ow knows he is married because he works out of town all week and comes home on weekends. He goes out of his way to call me several times a day but his phome records show that he has just called her or calls her after me. I believe this is to ease a conscience. Don't really know where I am going with this except to say that not all wives are heartless and unloving but we are still cheated on. The ow should not enable these mm when they are at a low point in their lives. Walk away gracefully and don't excerbate their personal turmoil. They don't know what they want.


a confused mistress 7 years ago

well, after reading all of this- - i feel terrible.

i never though i'd be in this type of situation. i met a guy, & didn't know that he was married until he "confessed" a few months into our relationship. i backed off, but then- - i continued to have an ongoing affair with him. he was visiting, so his family was thousands of miles away.

then, he left- - back to his family. but, he continues to call, write me- - & make plans to see me. & he finally said, "i love you" via phone. i'm so confused?! he says that he needs to figure out his life.

and- - he also said that he thinks we will eventually be together? i don't know what to do!

i have entertained the thought of being with him. but, i am so confused. why? because i really do feel as if we both have a connection.

anyhow- - i don't wanna be judged by anyone on here. & i don't judge any of the other confused people out there.

it doesn't make you a bad person, to feel love for someone? does it?

& to all the married, scorn women out there- - - i have never been married- - but i could only imagine how painful it would be if i were in your shoes.

God bless.


kc 7 years ago

I totally understand so many of these comments and in an odd way, nice to know I am not alone in the confusing limbo world that any affair creates. Last week, I stopped it for what I hope is the last time, and since then the 'i love you's' have been coming thick and fast. Just when i think I have had enough of sitting back, waiting for him to call, and actually say enough is enough as I can't take this anymore, he seems to know just how to pull me back in again.... how will I get out of this again, I am simply not sure I am strong enough anymore.


angela 7 years ago

I am a married woman of 33 years and found out about 2 and a half years ago, that my husband cheated witha co worker for six years. I was devastated. Oh, I knew, but closed my eyes to it. This affair started in 1984. You OW really are fools. I can't understand all this talk about love, and what should I do, he tells me he loves me and won't leave for the childrens sake. We see other when he can, I sit and wait, I spent the holidays alone, he told me he'd be there. The best comments are how horrible the wife is, she doesnt' give him what he needs, she clingy, needy. Once again you OW woman are fools! You have no empathy in your hearts. If you love the MM and believe he is your soul mate,then have the balls to tell him, until you leave your wife I won't lower my self respect for you. If he loved you you would be first in his life. He is with you for the deverison of his real life of responsiblities, stress, bad times. You are a release and let them use you for their own selfishness. You OW women say, " the sex was Great", please, you do whatever he wants, you bend over backwards, (literally) for them. They start to realize what kind of women you are, no self respect, or morals. While they know that they have a woman who is there the ones who put up with the good and bad days. As I see it you OW woman who let themselves hang on for years and years to satisfy a MM and believe the lies from them are Stupid and Foolish!!!! You just wast your life waiting, hoping, sitting by the phone. For what to screw the night away and watch him go to the reality of a wife and family....You OW will never get back the years you wasted, you will get old and be alone, for what? It's plain crazy, Woman open your eyes and have the balls to find someone that is free. I believe most OW have something lacking within themselves to LET this happen to them. The foolish one in the triangle is the OW. And by the way I found the OW in my situation, after 20 years the Whore, was proud of her accomplishments with my Husband. But guess what I know that if it hurt me after all this time, the pain she must of felt when he got bored and threw her to the curb, must of been worst for her. You see I didn't have to cry, and wonder, and wait, he protected me. Because the sadd thing about all this is the Whore didn't know me, but she knew of me. You OW women out there, "You got the Balls to Sleep with MM, have the Balls the tell the Wife, and then the proof will be in the pudding!!!!! You OW women are sad, pathetic women. The MM knows this and uses you the his advantage. Remember this OW, "Adulters and Whoremongers will be JUDGED by God"...All you Wifes, know that you will win in the end and that even if he leaves you then good riddence, he just wasn't worth it and let the OW deal with the real Man, the one you know!!!! It just maybe lucky for you that you won't have to deal with him anymore and Whore he's with will end up knowing the real man not the one who saw himself in her adoring eyes.......


angela 7 years ago

I am a married woman of 33 years and found out about 2 and a half years ago, that my husband cheated witha co worker for six years. I was devastated. Oh, I knew, but closed my eyes to it. This affair started in 1984. You OW really are fools. I can't understand all this talk about love, and what should I do, he tells me he loves me and won't leave for the childrens sake. We see other when he can, I sit and wait, I spent the holidays alone, he told me he'd be there. The best comments are how horrible the wife is, she doesnt' give him what he needs, she clingy, needy. Once again you OW woman are fools! You have no empathy in your hearts. If you love the MM and believe he is your soul mate,then have the balls to tell him, until you leave your wife I won't lower my self respect for you. If he loved you you would be first in his life. He is with you for the deverison of his real life of responsiblities, stress, bad times. You are a release and let them use you for their own selfishness. You OW women say, " the sex was Great", please, you do whatever he wants, you bend over backwards, (literally) for them. They start to realize what kind of women you are, no self respect, or morals. While they know that they have a woman who is there the ones who put up with the good and bad days. As I see it you OW woman who let themselves hang on for years and years to satisfy a MM and believe the lies from them are Stupid and Foolish!!!! You just wast your life waiting, hoping, sitting by the phone. For what to screw the night away and watch him go to the reality of a wife and family....You OW will never get back the years you wasted, you will get old and be alone, for what? It's plain crazy, Woman open your eyes and have the balls to find someone that is free. I believe most OW have something lacking within themselves to LET this happen to them. The foolish one in the triangle is the OW. And by the way I found the OW in my situation, after 20 years the Whore, was proud of her accomplishments with my Husband. But guess what I know that if it hurt me after all this time, the pain she must of felt when he got bored and threw her to the curb, must of been worst for her. You see I didn't have to cry, and wonder, and wait, he protected me. Because the sadd thing about all this is the Whore didn't know me, but she knew of me. You OW women out there, "You got the Balls to Sleep with MM, have the Balls the tell the Wife, and then the proof will be in the pudding!!!!! You OW women are sad, pathetic women. The MM knows this and uses you the his advantage. Remember this OW, "Adulters and Whoremongers will be JUDGED by God"...All you Wifes, know that you will win in the end and that even if he leaves you then good riddence, he just wasn't worth it and let the OW deal with the real Man, the one you know!!!! It just maybe lucky for you that you won't have to deal with him anymore and Whore he's with will end up knowing the real man not the one who saw himself in her adoring eyes.......


Clueless 7 years ago

Lonely, I have been with a married man for a while. The only thing is that I don't want him to leave his wife. But know we have a child together and he says he love me but the way I see it is if he been with his wife for 25+ years and he been cheating on her majority of the tome then he will do it to me. I have caught so many feelings. I'm inn too deep. I will never be able to find my way out. I truely love him. Now I'm caught up in a love triangle. I will never ask him to live his wife for me or my child. Hell she was there first for one. They share a bed every night, wake up to one another, spend all there holidays with eachother. I don't get any of that. Sometime it hurts but I only can take what I can get. Sadly to say we have brought a child into this.


angela 7 years ago

cluess,

I feel sorry for your child. Because of the selfishness you and the MM are, this child was born. An innocent litlle person in on this earth and you still love him. He doesn't even love his family, how could he love you and the child. If you haven't come to terms that you are nothing, after you had his baby, then you deserve to feel just as you do today.

You can only change yourself, and now the piority should be your child, NOT HIM!!!! You feel sorry for yourself, but it was you who accepted this life when you started this affair. Now it's time to grow up and move one for you Child! You need help, because all you talk about is loving him, what you don't get, and his wife gets, what about your baby! You reap what you sow!!!! Honey, everything you and OW woman go through you deserve. At times I feel sorry for woman like you, yet again, you made the choice and it's you that is sufferring, and you who is lonely.....And still it's you who lets it happen to you.....In the end the MM made a fool out of you.


help 7 years ago

i need help... after 6 months of NO contact - i Replied TO MM text to me - and instantly - I've just fallen apart !!! why why ... I hate this feeling - can someone please explain why this happens ..... and what i can do to make the pain go away.


help 7 years ago

i need help... after 6 months of NO contact - i Replied TO MM text to me - and instantly - I've just fallen apart !!! why why ... I hate this feeling - can someone please explain why this happens ..... and what i can do to make the pain go away.


Free Dating 7 years ago

Problem with dating a married man is that once he divorces his wife and proposes to you, you become the wife he left. Will he cheat on your again? Is it worth the worries?


A_little_different 7 years ago

@Angela

wow, you have a lot of anger and hatred hunny that's directed at the wrong person. I can understand you being upset. But just because someone doesn't behave according to your lifestyle idealism does not mean they are "doomed" like you think they will be.

I've been following this convo since I've posted about 6 months ago. There is no black and white answer as much as some of you would hope there would be. It's not as simple as "finding a free man" or "having the balls to tell their wife."

I'm happily in a two year relationship with a 52 year old married man. He has been with his wife for 23 years. Longer then I've been born. lol. The key here isn't that he cheats. (his wife does know about me) but that's not even the point. Even if she had no clue or only suspected I'd still love him just as much. Some men arent happy to be tied down. It's nothing to do with who they are married too. Do I expect my partner to be faithful only to me and his wife? Hell no. I would never ask that of him, because I know in my heart that that would make him unhappy. I love him. Completely and unconditionally. I would never ask him to do something that would make him unhappy and eventually resent me.

What I'm getting at is this: You can not force someone to be faithful to only one person. Trust me, sometimes it does get hard as the OW. And we have a lot going on in our own minds about it I assure you. But the point is to be understanding. This breaks down into two categories.

As the other women: You need to except that he has other obligations. If you can live him sharing his time with others you can make it. But you need to be flexible. You need to understand sometimes that special date you've been really looking forward to will get canceled. But if you really love him. And really want to be with him that's a decision you will need to weight. But it's in your hands. Relationships are two way streets. If you do decide to stick it out with him, I suggest not being really dependent on him. Make new friends, pick up hobbies, do something so that your not just sitting around missing him because those times suck.

As the wife on a MM who is seeing other people: Well, hunny you will need to make that call. You will need to decide if the love you have for him outweighs his need to see other people. Communicate that it hurts that he didnt tell you. But ultimately you need to decide if sharing him is better then not having him at all. Because he wont change. He will always have the need to roam. It's in his blood. And it's just going to cause tension if you try to force him to be anything that he isnt. If you decide that you cant deal with a man who has that kind of a need maybe its time to move on. Yes, I know you are probably in a lot of pain. Deep pain. As easy as it is to curse out and "doom" the guy and the OW sometimes you need to take that anger and do an inner reflection. Is it their fault your married man cheated on you? No, if it wasnt them it would be someone else. Because it's a part of who your husband is. Is it your husbands fault? Yes, but and its a big BUT that's not a reason to damn them. lol I know they hurt you really bad. But bringing in god and a whole bunch of other stuff will only escalate the situation. They are who they are. So you can either except that's who they are and what they need. And live your life knowing he's coming home to you every night. Or you need to leave him. But that decision is yours.

You wont get all the answers looking on sites like this. Every situation is delicate and different. But the main point I'm trying to say is dont go around blaming others. Make your decision. Be confident enough to stick with that decision and live your life the best you can. Because life is way to short to be focusing on "what you had." live each day for what it is. Sometimes it will really suck. Other days you will remember for the rest of your life. Stop focusing on who did what... and start focusing on making your life the best it can be for the unexpected turn it took.


angela 7 years ago

@A_different

You just proved my point. Since you are only 20 or so years old, what do you know about marriage? Listen you are accomadating your MM, with all your nonsense of you expecting him to be faithful to you and his wife, PLEASE, that is the most pathetic thing I've read here.If you love him why not be his number one, what are his reasons of not leaving his wife? Explain to me why the OW never gives the reasons as to why they just don't tell the wife, that would be your soluation to your problem, or is it that you OW are afraid that it's not you he'd choose? Your foolish and very naive....Angry yes, because the OW didn't know me but she knew of me and my children. If you OW want to be with the MM and are so confident he's in love with you and you give him all he needs, then why not just tell his wife. Why only come out in the dark like a cocaroach? It's bullshit from the MM if the excuse is his children, or he can't because of his finances or all the other bullshit reasons. You say stick to your decsision, sometimes will be bad, sometimes will be good, balh, balh...where is your selfrespect? Is it that you like living as the second string quarterback, waiting to be called to play the game? And your right, there are OW like you out there a dime a dozen who would take your place in a minute, but not another wife. So continue to live in your world of love and devoation, and the fantasy of being the good woman who he comes to for all his emotional needs and sexual pleasures. You are fooling yourself. You write a pretty positive letter, and honey if it makes you feel rightoues and feel good about being with a MM,great, you accomplished one thing, fooling yourself. Because no matter what I know you feel lonely and used and hurt when he isn't with you. You are young and his is 52, your just his eye candy, his desire to feel young and you make him feel the stud. Lets hear from you 2, 5, 10 years from now and you will be singing a different tune. You will be crying and lonely and hurt becasue you let a MM use the years you invested of your life to fulfill his needs. You will wake up and realize you cheated yourself. Because baby he had you and his wife, and you are despensible. I feel sorry for women like you and how foolish you are in believing that you are so special and so important, and your right you are until he gets bored and tired of it. What womb were you born from? You have no soul, no empathy, and God is a big part of it, I am sorry if my morals and values insult you. As a wife, I can lay blame on the husband and the OW...you are not just with a MM,you are with his wife and children. Tell me something....he has proven to you he is a cheater, a liar and you still praise him? Women like you are why men get away with infedility. You see, he knows you are there and waiting, it's you who stops living when he says when, where and how. Go ahead honey, give him everything he wants and needs, because his wife is too! I guess you believe everything you said and you also believe in the easter bunny too.....At least you are good at being the OW and letting him have it all....Wonder what you would say if your Mother told you your Father is cheating, oh, you'd give her the same advice you wrote here....Sadly you are in the dark and will always be in the dark.

Let me say one thing, when I talked to the whore who was with my husband for six years, she had pride, she said he supported her and loved her, gee, where is he now? And at the same time she told me she is alone....wonder why, it's been over25 years and she still has love for him. It only shows that she hurt,she cried, she is alone....he took 6 years of her life, he screwed her, told her what she wanted to hear... life gives you what you give to it, good or bad, you reap what you sow. OW out there hear this, there will always be a time in your lives, wether it be to be cheated on, health issues, family crisis, you get paid back for evil and good. No one in this world lives with getting away with anything they do.....so honey go ahead and be the great OW, enjoy it now, because later on you will lose, notjust your MM but your dignity, selfrespect, as in my other post, your MM is in love with seeing himself in your adoring eyes!!!!!!!!!!


A_little_Different 7 years ago

((I had to post this in multiple posts because it was to long. Sorry. lol. Part One))

I'm "foolish and naive", yet I don’t need to make personal attacks to validated my argument. lol.

I'm a law student with a minor in physics and engineering. And I hope to go into patent law someday. I admit, I tend to look at things from a different perspective. I'm not condoning men who cheat on their wives. Or who lie. I'm saying if it happens then it's up to the parties involved to make the decision to stick it out or separate.

You made so many claims I'm going to break it down to better get a feel for your statement. Then deal with each claim individually.

"What do I know of marriage"

:I know marriage is a religious vow between two people that is recognized by the government. Yet, somehow, it is considered a separation of church and state - but I must admit that I still need to figure out that last part.

"Listen you are accommodating your MM, with all your nonsense of you expecting him to be faithful to you and his wife"

:I don't believe I ever said I expected him to be faithful to me or his wife. I believe I said, I would never want to tie down the man I love, because being with him part of the time far outweighs being with him none of the time. But that was a personal decision on my part. It doesn't work for everyone.

"If you love him why not be his number one, what are his reasons of not leaving his wife?"

:As I touched on, personally I would never want to tie him down that way. It makes me happy that he see's other people actually. Because when he IS with me, then I know he's with me because he wants to be there. Which is quite often. I see him just about every day. In my personal opinion, (and I know people will disagree but I hope at least one person stops and thinks about this) when you figuratively try to tie down your partner it comes across as an act of insecurity. Yes, I know you love them. And you want to be with them. So your first instinct is to put him in total lock down. That's insecurity. And desperation. It will cause tension. He's a grown man. If he wants to be there he will. A piece of paper isn't going to change that. If people relaxed more and was content with the fact that at the end of the day they know their partners will be home, then what does it matter if he has a good time with someone else? He's still coming home to you. To answer the second part of your question, he doesn't need to give me excuses. If he doesn't want to leave or can't, that is a good enough reason for me. ((as a side note. My partner actually has a separate apartment and splits his time between his house(wife), his apartment, and my house. But that's also situational and doesn't bare influence on the main topic. In our situation he's actually separated from his wife 3 or 4 times. Their marriage isn't out of love. He has a separate bedroom from his wife and everything. However, I'm focusing on the situations where the MM actually cares about his wife. If he cares. He will come home to you every night. To wrap up this question, trying to tie him down would only cause tension in our relationship. Not to mention it's not something I really want anyway. Sometimes I like my space too.


A_little_Different 7 years ago

((Part Two))

"Explain to me why the OW never gives the reasons as to why they just don't tell the wife, that would be your solution to your problem, or is it that you OW are afraid that it's not you he'd choose?"

:In our case his wife knows. She barely tolerates me but she knows. lol. But why would the OW want to tell his wife? Does she really think that will make him stay with her. lol As the OW if you expect him to drop everything and run to you, you ARE very foolish. You need to seriously re-evaluate your needs in that relationship. However, if your with him to be with him part of the time then this question is pointless. If you don't "need" to be the only one what difference does it make if he stays with his wife. Do I "think" he wouldn't chose me? No, I know that is a very likely possibility. Again, which is why I stress it's so important to make that decision if he's worth sharing. If you are the OW and believe he will be only yours someday that's not very likely in my opinion. If you are the OW and are content to share your time with him then it goes back to telling his wife is a mute point. Why would it matter if he is still with her.

"where is your self respect? Is it that you like living as the second string quarterback, waiting to be called to play the game?"

:Frederick Douglass once said, [I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others, rather than to be false, and to incur my own abhorrence]. Put simply I am who I am. I have my idealism as do you. The worst thing I could do is compromise my own self to appease others. I could care less what people think of me. I'm not waiting by the phone pacing back and forth desperately waiting for his phone call. lol I have my life. I do what I want. I go where I want. I make my own plans. If I'm not busy and he wants to catch a movie or dinner or just spend time cuddling while watching the TV great. If I'm busy or made plans and he wants to do something, well that's to bad. We see each other when it's convenient for both of us. And it's not like I have to be home in order for him to come over. He has a key, he can come and go as he pleases. I come home all the time to find him taking a nap, etc. It's what works for us. lol we wouldn't do it if it didn't make us happy.

"if it makes you feel righteous and feel good about being with a MM, great, you accomplished one thing, fooling yourself. Because no matter what I know you feel lonely and used and hurt when he isn't with you."

:It doesn't make me feel righteous. I didn't wake up one morning and go, [I think I will begin a relationship with a married man today!]. We were friends first and our relationship slowly got deeper. This is exactly what I'm saying... you don't know how things happen. There are multiple sides to every story. I'm not with him because he's married. I'm with him because he makes me happy. And no, you don't know me at all. Yes, I miss him sometimes. That's obvious because I care about him. But I'm not sad and lonely. As I said, I have a life besides worrying what he's doing every second of the day. As much as you think you have some kind of crystal ball that let's you see into the true nature of what makes us human you don't. No one does. We all tick differently. It's what makes us who we are.


A_little_Different 7 years ago

((Part Three))

"You are young and his is 52, your just his eye candy, his desire to feel young and you make him feel the stud. Lets hear from you 2, 5, 10 years from now and you will be singing a different tune."

: lol I hope he feels good. I feel good being with him. I prefer older partners always have. So if he feels good being with me it would be a little hypocritical to condemn him for being happy. But my specific situation dealing with our age difference is just a fact. It bares no weight on the topic. That I'm the OW who is with a MM and who has HAD a relationship with him for 2 years and still very happy with the development of it. I hope to have 10+ more years happy with him. If it happens fantastic, if it doesn't then I will need to look at my needs and make sure our relationship is what I still want AND what he still wants. It's a two way street. Would I be upset if he left me tomorrow? Hell yes, I would be very upset. I would be sad and cry. For a very very long time. I care about him very deeply. Would it ruin my whole life? No, because in the end I would pick myself up and start over. I know because it's happened to me with someone else I cared very deeply for. I will never say I couldn't get hurt. But that's true for every relationship regardless. Look at the other stories here. Some of these people were married. They obviously got hurt very badly. A piece of metal on their finger didn't change that. This is the crucial part of what I'm saying. It doesn't matter who you are. Who your partner is. What he does. Who he's with or not with. IF you are happy with someone treasure it while you can. Be happy for every moment you share together. But don't rely on a piece of paper to be the source of your happiness. Don't be [with them because we're stuck together], be with them because you honestly cant imagine waking up and not being able to touch them. Our relationship doesn't define who I am. I'm not hear trying to promote guys to cheat or that women should go out with MM. I'm saying if it happens... the only one who can make the decision is the people involved. There are a lot of things to consider and it's not always as black and white as your making it appear.


A_little_Different 7 years ago

((Part Four))

"What womb were you born from? You have no soul, no empathy, and God is a big part of it, I am sorry if my morals and values insult you."

:Nice attack by the way. Very mature. I was born from my mother's womb. She says it was an easy birth. But then again, I was her third child. C.S.Lewis made an awesome statement that has always remained with me, [What can you ever really know of other people's souls - of their temptations, their opportunities, their struggles? One soul in the whole creation you do know: and it is the only one whose fate is placed in your hands]. I love this quote because it touches upon something I believe very strongly. No one but I can know my journey in life. Who are you to say who I am and what I have. To judge me by some standards you think are universal laws. I'm 20 but I've seen enough and been though enough to know we are alone on this earth. And at the end of the day the only one I have to answer to is myself. Because I can get away from others. But being true to myself is what will make me sleep at night. If you consider that a lack of empathy I'm sorry. I feel for every single person who has been hurt. I honestly do, I just have an issue when people come on and point fingers when they have no clue as to what those people were going through at that very moment. As I said, nothing is as black and white as you'd like it to be. And just so you know, I went to catholic school for 9 years. I've read the bible. I have also read bits of the Koran(Qur'an), the Tripitaka, and some ancient pre-religious works such as shamanism etc. I have a strong background in religion because it fascinates me. I value religion greatly because to me its a guideline of how to live a just life. Do I believe everything literally word for word? No, but I do think every religion brings up valid points and should be reflected upon when making a decision about how to live your life. This isn't a religious debate. I'm not staying you're beliefs offended me. lol I'm saying it's not right to "doom" someone because they don't act in accordance with your idealism's.

"he has proven to you he is a cheater, a liar and you still praise him? Women like you are why men get away with infidelity"

:I don't "let" anyone get away with anything. They are who they are. And I'm not promoting cheating, as I think I mentioned above. I don't praise him for lying (in our case his wife knows) but I don't praise people who lie in general. However, I can understand why some guys do. If they went to their wife and said [Hey, I have needs that aren't being meet for whatever reason, I'm going out to find someone who pleases me, I'll be back for dinner.] it wouldn't go over to well for most. In our case when he left her, she made the decision that having him come home was worth loosening the ropes she had around him. I wish guys could be more honest and upfront about it. But I cant make that call, people have to do what they feel is right at the time. The only thing I can give is my opinion, which in a nutshell is to take each situation how it comes and make the best decision you can given the circumstances.

**As a side note: I don't believe in the Easter bunny**


A_little_Different 7 years ago

((Part Five))

"Wonder what you would say if your Mother told you your Father is cheating, oh, you'd give her the same advice you wrote here...."

:Actually, my father never married my mom. Which I’m happy about because he’s a jerk to put it lightly. I don’t get along well with him. I never did and never will. She made the decision when I was 7 not to stick with him, the best decision she ever made, which I support completely. And yes, she’s been in the same situation on both sides of the coin. She has been cheated on and has done her share of cheating (my two brothers and I all have different fathers). Does it make me think less of her? Hell no, and yes I do give her the same advice. I want to see her happy. If that means she falls for the milk man or the married executive so be it. Our lives are way to short to condemn others for trying to find happiness any way they can.

“you get paid back for evil and good. No one in this world lives with getting away with anything they do”

:Who defines what evil and good are? In philosophy there is a concept called Eudemonia or “the good life.” Anyone who likes ethics or in insight into another way at looking at the world should really read some of Socrates‘, Aristotle’s, and Plato’s works. They are a little dry but very much worth it if you constantly like to question and re-discover your perception of the world. One of the concepts you will come across is this idea of Eudemonia. Even back in the early Greek time, before Christianity, before a lot of new age religions, people were still having this debate on “what is the good life?” This differs person to person and culture to culture. I do believe the universe has a sense of underlining karma. That everything balances out in the end. I can’t even begin to claim I know “the truth path” of how it works. I just have faith that in the end it does work out. When posed this question, [what is the good life?], I had to really think about it for a few days. The abridged version of the 10 page paper I wrote is this: [The good life is making the best decision you can at the time, in a way, that the outcome of that decision is morally just by one’s own idealisms, and that your decision was made out of good intentions for positive reasons to bring happiness.] Meaning, if you fell in love with someone. That’s a positive circumstance in of itself. You couldn’t help it, you just sought someone who makes you happy. In this situation, if you didn’t actively search (I’m going to wake up and fall in love with a married man today!) for a relationship that could hurt someone else then it isn’t an evil act. You aren’t a “whore” or a doomed person. You were a simple human standing in line at the supermarket when someone else’s cart bumped into yours. You’re just someone who is doing the best you can to happily live your life. Don’t condemn someone without walking in their footprints.


maudine_05 profile image

maudine_05 7 years ago from United States

All I can say is "a cheater will always be a cheater" thats what I believe the very reason why I drove my first husband away..I was victimized by a chronic womanizer and it took me 5years to let go of him, we had 5 kids.But I wasn't like the pitiful,clingy wives type mentioned above I was working the whole time mybe thats why I'm kinda strong in a way.I don't wanna judge anyone be it the "whore mistress" or the "pitiful wife". Men should be the one answerable to all this matter since they are the ones who started an illicit affair after all.


maudine_05 profile image

maudine_05 7 years ago from United States

Correction please..sorry, we only had 2 kids..


angela 7 years ago

Look, bottom line is, you OW are a fault for your hurting, owe it. Yes it is the man's fault, but please, if you know he's married then the ball in your court. Say no....so as I see it you are in control of the situation, just by getting the hell away from him...I am so glad for this website, because the wife, can see just what morons you OW are. OW please don't say the MM isn't getting their need met, emotionally, physically or anything else from their wives. It's just a screw with you, and you fulfill that by giving in to anything he wants, and get nothing in return by him. Open your eyes OW, stop crying, waiting, hoping, by the years of your lives. Don't hang on and try to justify what you think is his love,want to beleive is his love, when it's all lust. Get over it and move on.....


Cmyaffair 7 years ago

I have been having an affair with an old flame that I knew back in High School. He lives 3 hours away and has been married for 3 years. His marriage is rocky because he and his wife cannot have kids. They spent thousands of dollars trying to get pregnant and realized that she is unable to conceive. Having a child is so important to him and he has brought it up since we first were reunited. We continue to discuss this topic. I feel like I am getting myself into something crazy but love him dearly. This entire situation goes against everything that I know is right. I was married once and my X cheated on me. Never imagined that I would get involved with another man and be "the other woman".


ow 7 years ago

Dont do it cmyaffair, leave now!!! After almost 30 years of marriage, I left my husband because he cheated on me, he was in crisis, couldn't decide who he wanted, wanted both of us - heaven forbid I felt sorry for his mid life crisis and this crisis lasted for 5 years, backwards and forwards. A year or so before I finally left him, I contacted a man I'd been mad about before I got married, why I dont know, unsolved issues, never understood why it ended, thought he hadn't thought that much of me, only to find out he'd been very much in love with me, always thinking about me for the past 3 decades. WOW!!! I can't remember ever being so happy, he was/is gorgeous, sweet, real, funny, kind etc etc etc and married. So I went from being the pathetic wife to the much adored mistress, oh it didn't happen straight away, I'm a little on the shy side, but eventually the first kiss had to happen and it was magical, I will never forget it, life became exciting, joyous, and I loved him more deeply than I'd ever loved my husband in all those years. He told me he loved me more than his wife, that I meant so much more to him than she ever had, that one day we'd be together when his kids were a little older , I couldn't believe that anyone could have loved me more than he did, that any two people could have loved each other more than we did. I know that I will never find that again, I'm 51 years old, not a child, and I know what I feel BUT and there it is the "BUT", its been 3 years now and he's decided that he'll never be able to leave his wife, he doesn't love her as much as me, or so he says, but you know, she is his wife, the mother of his children and she doesn't want the marriage to end. So...... now I'm expected to accept this, he is so very sorry, not the way he wanted it to be either. ALL my dreams gone. I have not stopped crying. I haven't been able to accept this. I have wanted to tell his wife just what he's been up to. BUT today, finally I realised, I'm better than that, more than he deserves. I've wasted 3 years of my life, waiting, hiding, being happy with crumbs. I dont believe that I will ever love anyone again, sadness is the only emotion I feel, but after having read these posts, I know now that I was always setting myself up for a fall. As a wife I loathed the other woman who I blamed for my marriage breakdown, the damage done to my children, the friendships divided, the grandparents destroyed and so it goes on. I will always hate her, but here it is .... my husband didn't leave me for her, I left when I could see no more hope .... and my new love will not leave his wife for me .... they just dont do it. If he is the one you truly want to be with, leave him NOW, tell him how much you love him, want his children .... but leave him now .... and he if he should leave his wife and follow you, no-one would be more happy for the two of you than I. BUT DONT DONT DONT stay in this relationship the way it is. Its the most sure fire way I know to self destruct, and because you keep hoping and hoping and hoping and falling more and more in love, and settling for less and less, and making just as many excuses as the MM, and never wanting to fight, always trying to make sure his time is better with you than it could be at home, somehow, you just dont see what you have done to yourself until its too late. My new love and I never fought, it was heaven, his not being able to leave his wife has come as a total shock to me! BUT it shouldn't have, I've been the wife and the other woman, so have you, we of all people should realise that its the cheating MM that is the one that has to make the changes and most of all the decisions about which relationship they are going to be in, and until we make these spoilt, egotistical little boys realise that relationships cant endure without honesty and respect as well as love , they will go on breaking our hearts forever, whenever a better option comes along. Good luck....


still lonely  7 years ago

thank you Im running from the married lying sob fast as I can


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