5 Things Wives Should Know About Mistresses


Generally speaking, from the perspective of a wife that's been cheated on, it's often the "other woman" who gets blamed for an affair. She's usually perceived as a wicked homewrecker with nothing on her mind but "stealing" someone's husband.

There is no excuse for getting involved with someone that you know to be married - we all know this. But, let's remember, people who get involved in affairs are human too. Many of them have made terrible decisions and will have to live with the consequences of that for the rest of their lives.

There aren't any pleasant descriptions that go along with being a mistress. But, in reality, mistresses are just ordinary women, not super hero villains intent on destroying the world and all the marriages in it.

Mistresses are your friends and neighbors, and many of them are maintaining secret affairs that no one knows about. We can judge them all we want, but at the end of the day, what's really going on with women who become mistresses?

There are several issues that could be going on inside a mistresses life and mind. Some of them are rarely talked about. Many people won't read this because they'll say, "Why should I care about a homewrecker?" Well, simply put, anyone you know or love could be someone's mistress, so it does matter. Here are 5 things wives should know about mistresses...

Affairs Happen
Affairs Happen | Source

1. She Feels Guilty

Yes, believe it or not, a mistress does feel guilt. If she is aware of the fact that her lover is married, she goes through all the normal emotions associated with guilt on a daily basis, such as sadness, depression, and hopelessness.

Unless a woman is a sociopath, she feels guilty for crossing the line, just like any normal human being would.

A mistress feels guilty when her lover chooses to spend time with her on a weekend, knowing there is a wife and possibly children waiting at home. She feels guilty when she hears other people talk about cheating spouses. She feels guilty when she watches movies about adultery. Guilt is the permanent ghost that accompanies a mistress throughout the entire affair and afterwards.

That said, many mistresses are totally unaware that their lover is married. Many men go to great lengths to hide the fact that they are married. If a husband can have an affair and betray the woman he married, then he is capable of telling multiple lies, both to the wife and mistress. reality, mistresses are just ordinary women, not super hero villains intent on destroying the world and all the marriages in it.

2. She Probably Never Planned On Being a Mistress

Most little girls do not fantasize about becoming someone's mistress when they grow up. Every adult is accountable for their actions - of that there is no doubt. Unfortunately, sometimes circumstances and poor decisions can lead to affairs.

It's not likely on the goal list of any woman to get wrapped up in an affair with a married man and potentially lose her own career, credibility, friends, or even - in some extreme cases - her own life because of it. Not to mention, some women who have affairs are also married and have families of their own that they are jeopardizing by getting involved in an affair.

Many women end up being the other woman by having a "fling" with a man with whom they never intended on being with on a regular basis. They may or may not have known the man was married but they went ahead anyway, ending up infatuated or in love.

There are women out there that don't have a problem dating married men and have little regret, but generally speaking, this is not usually the case.

Many times the husband will make promises that can string a mistress along until so much time passes that it becomes difficult for her to break it off. If she is in love, she may not want to end it, even if she knows it's wrong.


3. She Gets Jealous

If a woman has become a mistress and if she knows that her lover is married, then most certainly she feels jealous. She feels jealousy every time he walks out the door, because she knows he is going home to another woman, and most likely a family. She knows her lover has another life at his home which she will never be a part of.

Unless she has a family of her own, a mistress's life is usually pretty lonely, emphasized by the fact that her heart probably sinks just thinking of what her lover is doing at home with his wife and family.

A mistress definitely feels jealous of the time a husband spends with his wife and family. She feels jealous that he has children with his wife, and she feels jealous that he shares a bed with his wife. Some mistresses even have children with their married lovers. Imagine what a complicated web that must be.

There's no doubt that mistress feels envious that her lover's relationship with his wife is not a secret to the world like hers is. One thing that many mistresses crave more than anything is validation that her relationship with her lover is real. Sneaking around in secrecy is not the ideal for having a healthy, long-term relationship.

A mistress, like any other woman, wants her lover to be proud of her, to tell their friends about her, and for them to have the desire to tell the whole world how much they love her.

One thing that many mistresses crave more than anything is validation that her relationship with her lover is real. Sneaking around in secrecy is not the ideal for having a healthy, long-term relationship.

Jealousy isn't just for a wife
Jealousy isn't just for a wife | Source

4. She Fell in Love With The Wrong Person

Well, this is a no-brainer, but unfortunately, love and lust are blind. A woman who ignores repeated red flags because of love or lust will eventually find out she has picked the wrong man.

A mistress is bound to come to this realization sooner or later. She may choose to stay in the affair long after she's realized her mistake for any number of reasons including denial, fear, and, of course, love.

Falling for the wrong person happens to all of us. It happens to single women dating single men. It happens to women who fall in love with married men. It happens to the wife of a husband who is having an affair.

The point is, most likely the mistress already knows she has made a huge mistake and only stays in the affair because she thinks her lover wants to be with her and she loves him. Of course, some women may not be that emotionally attached to their lovers, but I would guess that most are - especially in long-term affairs that carry on for years.

Being a mistress is not glamorous
Being a mistress is not glamorous | Source

5. She May Believe There's a Future

How many women fall for a man and believe most of what he says? We've all done it at some point or another. If a woman knows her lover is married or found out at some point after she already fell for him, then there is no doubt she has been sweet-talked and promised to hundreds of times.

It's fairly common for a cheating husband to tell his mistress that he is miserable in his marriage and wants to get out. This may or may not be true, but whether or not he does get out of the marriage is another thing. If there are children involved or if the husband does truly want to be with his wife, then he won't make the steps to leave the marriage

A mistress has already placed herself in a vulnerable position, so if she is in love with the man she is having the affair with, she will make excuses for him, and probably suffers from deep denial. It may take months or even years for a mistress to realize that a man is not going to leave his wife for her. If he was, he would have done it sooner than later.

In an affair, no one wins
In an affair, no one wins | Source

Hanging on to an affair in hopes that a man will leave his wife is something many mistresses do, and if there are years that pass by, she becomes more invested in the relationship, and also more comfortable within the lie. The affair becomes her normal. The secrecy becomes her normal, and in many cases, she will self-medicate or behave destructively to alleviate the guilt and shame.

Being the mistress is not glamorous. An affair may start out as a thrilling, romantic whirlwind, but it almost always ends up a depressing, disheartening situation. Mistresses are just like any other woman in the world. They don't necessarily need to be vilified. At the end of the day, women who become mistresses are our daughters, sisters, aunts, mothers, wives and neighbors.

Who's To Blame For an Affair?

  • The Husband
  • The Wife
  • The Husband and The Mistress
  • The Husband and Wife
  • The Mistress
  • All Three Parties
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dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 12 months ago

Very interesting!

I can't imagine too many wives being interested in the mindset or wellbeing of the mistress.

Times have changed. Long gone are the days of men removing their wedding bands and pretending not to be married for the most part.

The majority of affairs are initiated in the workplace where everyone knows each other's marital status.

When it comes to the rich and famous men all the mistresses know in advance the men they're with are married. For some (younger women) being a mistress is just a fling to have fun and excitement.

I know one man who did surprise his mistress by announcing he had left his wife and the mistress dumped him! I guess she did not want the "full-time" job! LOL!

What mistresses need to know is people who cheat do so because they chose NOT to leave their spouse! They're cheating to tolerate their marriage.

The goal of most cheaters is to hold onto all that is "good" in their primary relationship while addressing their other "needs" on the side. Very few people who cheat are looking to (replace) one relationship with another one.

They just want to compliment what they already have.

One man's opinion!:)

Farawaytree profile image

Farawaytree 12 months ago from California Author

Yes, great feedback. I like to switch things up a bit and make people think. Those who can relate will hopefully get some use out of it. :)

Deborah Demander profile image

Deborah Demander 7 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

For wives (and husbands) of a cheating spouse, it's also important to remember that this is not about you. Your spouses new "partner" is not out to get you or hurt you. In fact, they probably would not want you to find out and be hurt.

It may seem ludicrous, but the truth is, a cheater isn't trying to get revenge or hurt their marriage. They are thinking about their own immediate needs, and having them satisfied. Whether those needs are sexual, emotional, or a combination of both, the cheater is having those needs met by the new partner.

Thanks for the great article.


Farawaytree profile image

Farawaytree 7 months ago from California Author

Yes, that's an excellent point. The truth is, that this is as prominent an issue as anything due to the increasing frequency that it happens. It's important to note that not everything is as black and white as people think.

grand old lady profile image

grand old lady 3 months ago from Philippines

This article lays down the hard facts clear and easily. It seems to me that the creep in all this is really the guy. I wonder what the perspective would be if it were the wife having an affair? Would the man-mistress feel the same way?

kyle 5 weeks ago

This is a great article. At the end of the day, the cheater and the mistress is held accountable for the affair. I'm a bit sick of hearing that cheaters play a bigger role than the mistress. If the cheater feels his needs aren't being met, he should be a MAN and communicate his issues and concerns to his wife. That is a no brainer. On the other hand, who is to say the mistress didn't initiate the affair or try to tempt him? With so much going on about feminism and women in power, women today should be looking out for reach other and RESPECTING each other. As a WOMAN, she should show his wife some respect by not crossing boundaries or letting him cross boundaries. Even if she didn't tempt him, she should show herself some respect by not allowing a guy who could behave so horribly to pursue her. Who is to say he wouldn't repeat the same actions if he moved onto her? It's

KayKay 4 weeks ago

i know they are jealous, insecure, weak, miserable women. they are told what they want to hear but know deep down this "dirty little secret" affair thing is all it is. they are his play thing. i dont feel sorry for them when they know he is married. they know exactly what they are doing. when they get through coveting and "stealing" crumbs from someone elses household, they will live an eternity in hell. thats due justice for them and their adulterous, backstabbing, womanizing "boyfriends".

Skylar 3 weeks ago

My marriage was broken up when I found out about all the infidelity (emotional, physical, and financial) on my husband's part. It was instigated by his girlfriend telling a mutual friend about her relationship. He had been feeding her this line about our relationship being "open," and after a few months, she got suspicious. According to her. I'm not sure how much I believe her, because she was my brother's ex, the mother of my niece, and she had lived in my home for a few months after she had the baby. It was a few years later when my brother and she split up and the affair started. The funny thing of it is that I have to be the bigger person for the rest of my life, because she's still the mother of my niece, and he's still the father of my child.

I really don't care what was going through her mind, because I wasn't married to her. I don't care if she plotted the destruction of my marriage, or if she really was that big of an idiot. I'm still pleasant to her and we're still friends on Facebook. I regularly watch my niece and pass along hand-me-downs from my daughter. Because she's family, and I have to.

My ex-husband? We're as cordial as I have to be. We're still connected on Facebook, because I need to be able to communicate with him regarding our daughter. His is the only mindset I was interested in, because he was supposed to be faithful. We'd had 10 years together, but he had apparently been lying to me almost the entire time (about bank accounts, credit cards, payday loans, drugs, sex, work, you name it).

It wasn't his girlfriend who broke us up, but it was his girlfriend who started to unravel his lies. And I'm thankful for her.

Farawaytree profile image

Farawaytree 3 weeks ago from California Author

Wow thank you for your comment and sharing your perspective. It's really a terrible situation all around and must be difficult for you to have to take the high road.

It's really a shame so many people get married and break their vows so easily. And yes - once you make the vows, you are responsible for them no matter how alluring the temptation or how easy it would be to cheat.

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