5 Things Wives Should Know About Mistresses

Updated on January 20, 2018
Farawaytree profile image

Michelle writes about relationships, self-improvement, life lessons & attitude to both inspire & relate to her readers


Generally speaking, from the perspective of a wife that's been cheated on, it's usually the "other woman" who gets most - if not all - of the blame for an affair. She's often perceived as a wicked homewrecker with nothing on her mind except "stealing" someone's husband.

There is no excuse for getting involved with someone that you know to be married. We all know this. But, let's remember, people who get involved in affairs are human too. Many of them have made terrible decisions and will have to live with the consequences of that for the rest of their lives.

There aren't many pleasant descriptions that go along with being a mistress. But, in reality, mistresses are just ordinary women, not superhero villains intent on destroying the world and all the marriages in it.

Mistresses are your friends and neighbors, and many of them are maintaining secret affairs that no one knows about. We can judge them all we want, but at the end of the day, what's really going on with women who become mistresses?

There are several issues that could be going on inside of a mistresses life and mind. Some of them are rarely talked about. Many people won't read this because they'll say, "Why should I care about a homewrecker?" Well, simply put, anyone you know or love could be someone's mistress, so it does matter. Here are 5 things wives should know about the mistress:

"...in reality, mistresses are just ordinary women, not super hero villains intent on destroying the world and all the marriages in it."

Affairs Happen
Affairs Happen | Source

1. She Feels Guilty

Yes, believe it or not, a mistress does feel guilt. If she is aware of the fact that her lover is married, she goes through all the normal emotions associated with guilt on a daily basis, such as sadness, depression, and hopelessness.

Unless a woman is a sociopath, she feels guilty for crossing the line, just like any normal human being would.

A mistress feels guilty when her lover chooses to spend time with her on a weekend, knowing there is a wife and possibly children waiting at home. She feels guilty when she hears other people talk about cheating spouses. She feels guilty when she watches movies about adultery. Guilt is the permanent ghost that accompanies a mistress throughout the entire affair and afterwards.

That said, many mistresses are totally unaware that their lover is married. Many men go to great lengths to hide the fact that they are married. If a husband can have an affair and betray the woman he married, then he is capable of telling multiple lies, both to the wife and mistress.

"One thing that many mistresses crave more than anything is validation that her relationship with her lover is real. Sneaking around in secrecy is not the ideal for having a healthy, long-term relationship."

Being "the mistress" is not exactly what people may think
Being "the mistress" is not exactly what people may think | Source

2. She Probably Never Planned On Being A Mistress

Most little girls do not fantasize about becoming someone's mistress when they grow up. Every adult is accountable for their own actions - of that there is no doubt. Unfortunately, sometimes circumstances and poor decisions can lead to affairs.

It's not likely on the goal list of any woman to get wrapped up in an affair with a married man and potentially lose her own career, credibility, friends, or even - in some extreme cases - her own life because of it. Not to mention, some women who have affairs are also married and have families of their own that they are jeopardizing by getting involved in an affair.

Many women end up being the other woman by having a "fling" with a man with whom they never intended on being with on a regular basis. They may or may not have known the man was married but they went ahead anyway, ending up infatuated or in love.

There are women out there that don't have a problem dating married men and have little regret, but generally speaking, this is not usually the case.

Many times the husband will make promises that can string a mistress along until so much time passes that it becomes difficult for her to break it off. If she is in love, she may not want to end it, even if she knows it's wrong.


3. She Gets Jealous

If a woman has become a mistress and if she knows that her lover is married, then most certainly she feels jealous. She feels jealousy every time he walks out the door, because she knows he is going home to another woman, and most likely a family. She knows her lover has another life at his home which she will never be a part of.

Unless she has a family of her own, a mistress's life is usually pretty lonely, emphasized by the fact that her heart probably sinks just thinking of what her lover is doing at home with his wife and family.

A mistress definitely feels jealous of the time a husband spends with his wife and family. She feels jealous that he has children with his wife, and she feels jealous that he shares a bed with his wife. Some mistresses even have children with their married lovers. Imagine what a complicated web that must be.

There's no doubt that mistress feels envious that her lover's relationship with his wife is not a secret to the world like hers is. One thing that many mistresses crave more than anything is validation that her relationship with her lover is real. Sneaking around in secrecy is not the ideal for having a healthy, long-term relationship.

A mistress, like any other woman, wants her lover to be proud of her, to tell their friends about her, and for them to have the desire to tell the whole world how much they love her.

Jealousy isn't just for a wife
Jealousy isn't just for a wife | Source

4. She Fell In Love With The Wrong Person

Well, this is a no-brainer, but unfortunately, love and lust are blind. A woman who ignores repeated red flags because of love or lust will eventually find out she has picked the wrong man.

A mistress is bound to come to this realization sooner or later. She may choose to stay in the affair long after she's realized her mistake for any number of reasons including denial, fear, and, of course, love.

Falling for the wrong person happens to all of us. It happens to single women dating single men. It happens to women who fall in love with married men. It happens to the wife of a husband who is having an affair.

The point is, most likely the mistress already knows she has made a huge mistake and only stays in the affair because she thinks her lover wants to be with her and she loves him. Of course, some women may not be that emotionally attached to their lovers, but I would guess that most are - especially in long-term affairs that carry on for years.

"The affair becomes her normal. The secrecy becomes her normal. In many cases, she will self-medicate or behave destructively to alleviate the guilt and shame."

Being a mistress is not glamorous
Being a mistress is not glamorous | Source

5. She May Believe There's A Future

How many women fall for a man and believe most of what he says? We've all done it at some point or another. If a woman knows her lover is married or found out at some point after she already fell for him, then there is no doubt she has been sweet-talked and promised to hundreds of times.

It's fairly common for a cheating husband to tell his mistress that he is miserable in his marriage and wants to get out. This may or may not be true, but whether or not he does get out of the marriage is another thing. If there are children involved or if the husband does truly want to be with his wife, then he won't make the steps to leave the marriage

A mistress has already placed herself in a vulnerable position, so if she is in love with the man she is having the affair with, she will make excuses for him, and probably suffers from deep denial. It may take months or even years for a mistress to realize that a man is not going to leave his wife for her. If he was, he would have done it sooner than later.

In an affair, no one wins
In an affair, no one wins | Source

Hanging on to an affair in hopes that a man will leave his wife is something many mistresses do and if there are years that pass by, she becomes more invested in the relationship and also more comfortable within the lie. The affair becomes her normal. The secrecy becomes her normal. In many cases, she will self-medicate or behave destructively to alleviate the guilt and shame.

Being the mistress is not glamorous. An affair may start out as a thrilling, romantic whirlwind, but it almost always ends up a depressing, disheartening situation. Mistresses are just like any other woman in the world. They don't necessarily need to be vilified.

At the end of the day, women who become mistresses are our daughters, sisters, aunts, mothers, wives and neighbors.

Who's To Blame For an Affair?

See results

© 2015 Michelle Zunter


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • profile image

      Jibaro 3 days ago

      Who's to blame for an affair?

      It shocks me!? 3% only blames the wife. Well there is a great biblical saying, "Ask and you will receive!"

      Most women almost if not always blame the husband and the lover for the affair. Ok, lets for moment analize why the husband is looking for something away from home. Why? Because there is none home! The all edge provider the wife has been neglecting her spousal duties and she does not want to recognize it.

      However, if you do some real research you will find that biologically, by its own nature, man is hypogamous and polygamous. That means that he tend to marry younger and lower status women and multiple partners or wives.

      Women by nature is hypergamous and monogamous. That means that she tends to marry older and higher status men and seeks to have a single relation or mate.

      In that biological realm that the Roman Empire did change and created the monogamous married couple while the men had all the slaves to have sex as he pleased.

      In Jesús times the Jewish community was polygamous and there is no mention of it. But that is also why in the Bible there is not a single condemnation against polygamy. But divorce is not really permitted as a protection to the wife.

      So men tends to, like any other animal, to run its natural programs and women do so too. However, religion and state did change the western world, while destroying human happines.

      Please do not bark at me for telling things as they really are and will always be!

    • profile image

      Happy 9 days ago

      I enjoy being a mistress. I have had the affair for 5 years and still going. I do not want a relationship- I enjoy my independence. We get together, have our fun (and that encompasses more than just sex) then I go back to my life and he goes back to his until the next rendezvous. Being a mistress means I don't have to worry about a clingy guy and best part is, my lover and I get along famously, care for each other and the affair is always exciting- not complacent as relationships always get. I have no problem seeing a married man and I have no intention of breaking up the marriage. Jealousy....not one bit as that is just a wasted emotion. I know what I want in life and I am happy making my life simple with no drama.

    • profile image

      Mrs Margaret Cheek 3 weeks ago

      My husband is an artist and even though he is old, women project their fantasies on him because of the lifestyle he projects seems so perfect. For instance,I resent cooking for a woman who had sent my husband pictures of her bottom and who then came to learn art from him. Luckily for me she was not nice either in character or to look at. Women are always flinging themselves at my husband without any regard for me or his children. Any woman who does this has every right to feel disgusted with herself. I am sick of such women. and the world seems full of them.

    • profile image

      MollyMagee 5 weeks ago

      Excuses, excuses, excuses. Everyone lying to each other and lying to themselves in this situation. Yes. The betrayed wife is lying to herself that her loyalty to her spouse, their family they created together and to her in-laws (that have raked her over coals w/their toxic behavior for decades of marriage to their child) and her work on behalf of their kids: one disabled and one w/critical illness will be rewarded and respected with loyalty and love and cherishing back from her own spouse- she won't be necessarily; the husband is lying and disrespecting two women: being disloyal/disrespecting his marriage and his wife and he's treating his AP like a whore (worse - at least they get a salary from it), stringing her along and lying to her that there's a hope in hell for a "forever" eventually together - there probably isn't; and the AP - is a lying to herself (she'll come first "eventually" - in most situations - probably not), and she's helping the lying and deceiving of her AP's spouse to continue (and hurting their children/families too) and and she's lying to her AP as well. Well, his told him about her former cheating but even that didn't scare him off. Go figure ... bad on her but worse on him. In my husband's case he was her#3 (that I know of) in a long line of her addiction to cheating... she cheated on her own first husband with her current #2 hubbie and was cheating in on#2 hubbie with my husband... guess who was next if they had continued, he had dumped me and they had married. You got it! Him. And yes, she knew we had a disabled child and a critically ill one as well. And she continued with her selfish pursuit of her married men. And yes, he reciprocated too. And yes, we have elderly relative to care for. His and mine. Yes, our marriage was struggling after the highs and lows and highs of 28 years together but you don't go buy a new "very used" car when your own car is broken down by the side of the road w/your wife and kids still did it. He did that.. .metaphorically... and that's on him. He sang her - the AP - the classic sad song of "ignored, not enough sex, neglected" hubbie forgetting to mention the years and years I provided all of that for him, forgetting to mention to her that SHE was NOT the only one he was reaching out to on-line (he had back ups in case she fell through... she wasn't special!) and forgetting to mention that for years he belittled and condemned me when I noticed photos of other women in his emails and "artistic photos" account. Nice, huh? Part of a larger pattern/addiction on his part. Can you see why they were attracted to one another??? - both probably have sex addictions. He comes from abusive childhood - maybe she does too. Hurt people... hurt people. Our kids, some of our best friends and relatives will never look at him the same... our marriage is still intact but it's day-by-day recovery. She got dumped eventually - neither to say. And she's probably onto her next victim or willing accomplice or a bit of both. We had to serve her with a "cease and desist" letter from lawyers as she doesn't truly understand the concept of "No" or "Stop" as she laid low for awhile, when I caught them by sheer accident and her sheer stupidity (his too - he clearly wanted to be caught) but then resurfaced months later "wanting to be just friends". What a nit wit. Lady.... you don't get to be friends w/your ex-AP - my husband. Go join a book group you dope. Why don't the Harvey Weinstein's of TX hit on women like her - they are birds of a feather. She dragged herself up to New England to pursue him... after engaging in a year long affair on line... texting and sexting and then hooking up. And she's a public school employee who could still lose her job (I'm one too) if I reported her to HR dept. of her district as every teacher signs a morality code as part of their contract and she violated hers w/this affair. She's lucky I haven't... yet. My own recover has cost us $$$... his too. We could have circled the world 3x and brought 10 of our closest relatives and friends on what we've spent on therapy: our son's hospitalization - he became suicidal from all of this stress; our own counseling; workshops; experts. Cheating is $$$ folks so remember that. So is divorce and post nups, etc. If you can't be loyal to your spouse... at least be loyal to the bank accounts you built up and share over the years of marriage from both your jobs ... cause they are gonna empty fast with the fallout of affair. My best recovery has been through Al Anon meetings and dettaching with love as I didn't: Cause it, can't/couldn't control it and can't cure it. I think of his affair as a sign of his large issues from being abused child by his mom leading to sex addiction. He would have eventually done the same to her. The best part for me what finally being able to see - exactly how awful my own in-laws were to me, in crystal clear light, after the word got out that he cheated. After doubting myself for decades, I could see that they would never respect or cherish me and I've cut off all contact, time w/them, etc. It's the healthiest and best thing I could have done for myself. It's not accident he was so hurtful... he comes from people who are actively hurtful in present. And I'd say, his former AP got off pretty easy (for one, she'll never be married into their picked in brine juice family - so she can thank me for that - cause they would have eaten her alive!!)... but I have nothing good to say to say about her or to her except: ... karma is bitch, you were one to our family, and what goes around eventually comes around. Peace to all recovering spouses from being betrayed and slandered and cheated on this holiday season. MM

    • profile image

      Jane 5 weeks ago

      Where are the morrals these days? People do not respect relationships any more.

    • profile image

      The Mistress 6 weeks ago

      It's been 4 months since we were caught, the affair was 3 years long, for the first 2 years I had NO CLUE he was married he lived about 45 minutes away. Since then the wife keeps harassing me, as soon as everything happened I stepped back went away disappeared as I should they stayed together . I dont call, text, email nothing im trying to move on with my life after falling in love with a liar, who ended up being married and then strung me along crying "divorce" would happen. Sad lesson learned, but 4 months later they make fake IG profiles, text me, and pop up harassing me as if it's my fault. All im trying to do is pick up the broken guilty pieces of myself and move on why cant they?

    • profile image

      Julie C 7 weeks ago

      I'm letting my cheating partner go, and helping him do so. It turns out we are both disassociative personality types, and I get to talk to his brand new personality that wants to keep his hot wife (and I am considered hot, so we get cheated on, too) and loving family, and the man I married, who only shows up in profile now, telling me all about how I even know who she is, while his eyes light up the way the used to for me. She is married, too, I figure I am only helping them. LOLOLOL

      He is all her's now, I just have to wait to calm down a bit more, and then get to work on the divorce and what not. This is all new to me. I am quite angry he didn't use a condom and I had to have pregnancy symptoms, again, after an entire decade without them because my Fallopian tubes are no longer allowed to operate as I had them cut apart on the operating table directly after the C-section. I knew something was going on because these symptoms kept happening during my period, which keeps on coming with lovely regularity each and every month.

      He is also lying his ass off, trying to keep us both, so I believe he is actually poly-amorous in his head, but his little mister doesn't want me, it wants her. I am not poly-amorous, and there are other very fine fish in the sea.

    • profile image

      Barb 2 months ago

      Being the "Other Woman" for close to three years and being told by his 22 year old daughter that her parents had gotten divorced,info he didnt share with me..... In my state of Shock and with alcohol in my system, I inadvertently told his daughter that we had been together. Now he hates me because his daughter now knows what he did and he is knocked off the pedestal she put him on.. and I'm the "bad guy"...my heart is broke into a million pieces, I don't know if i will ever love again, Yes I did love him. I have become an angry and bitter bitch that drinks too much, I am depressed and barely functioning....I hit him just last night as i saw him for the first time since all of this happened and he told me in front of his daughter and a group of friends that he had "nothing to say to me".... I've always been happy and confident and wouldn't hurt another person ....I trusted him completely and was the most intimate I'd ever been with anyone with him....I dont know if his now ex wife knows, but his daughter is the one that I hurt. I am going to print out this article and send it to her and him.

      It was not entirely my fault that he came to me on a regular basis for intimate fun. I accept 50% of the blame, but everyone makes me out to be the bad guy...Why? Because I'm the one that was single and lured him to my house ? I think not!!

    • profile image

      happiness 2 months ago

      We all want happiness.....and happiness from good health, food, shelter, love and etc.....

      In this topic - we talk about LOVE in relationship with other partner(s).

      There are two kinds of people -Type A: People who will lie, cheat, deceitful to find love/pleasure - who are weak, coward, selfish, manipulate, in denial, greedy,

      Type B: People who don't or won't

      Type A: Find their happiness/pleasure and violate the others people happiness/pleasure.

      Type B: Find happiness and don't violate others' people happiness/pleasure.

      What you DON'T want to do it to Yourself DON'T DO it to others.

    • profile image

      fhaye 3 months ago

      Being the mistress is not what I think could be. I was married and have one kid ,he is 6yrs old boy. I wasn't intended to be like one but it happened. My boss was perfectly married and has two sons 17 & 15. I never expected to fell to my boss, he care so much , we spent so much time with lunch and free time. But it never happened if I don't give him a chance. I was fool but I fell to him. He never promise anything, just talking and I give time listening to him to whatever he is stressing and disappointment. Till we came to a certain place ,I stopped him and asked him "why?".. he said because I give him time to most moment he was down , because I only give ear to listened and not advising , because I never nagged like choked him on his neck....I feel bad about what my boss is telling me now.. my guilt is that I allow him to do whatever he wants to do, too caring, and let me feel something that Ill never felt with my own husband. I keep to myself everything , when there's an incident I saw her wife, I felt jealous and sad. but cant say and do anything but stay behind the door and wait. I wanted to go away and quit my job with him, but he stopped me. and I don't know why I have to stay and be with him secretly. I actually asked a sick leave , got my pretend illness for two weeks,, then I am missing him, even I was with my husband. I said to myself , I have to stopped this affair, and leave him and apply to other job. but it didn't work, we still seeing and even worst that we missed each other.. I don't know what to do and to stop it. I thought to myself, I fell in love with the wrong person.

    • profile image

      Robert 5 months ago

      5. She May Believe There's A Future

      How many women fall for a man and believe most of what he says? We've all done it at some point or another. If a woman knows her lover is married or found out at some point after she already fell for him, then there is no doubt she has been sweet-talked and promised to hundreds of times...

      I have to disagree about the man has sweet talked the woman. It goes both I was approached by my therapist. And after seeing me with my wife she was so pushy. I had told her that I was married. ..it's all started with a weekly call for a reminder for my appointment. I would talk strong about God. Filled the holy spirit. My wife and I was youth counselor at a church. God had blessed us with more than enough. This was one of my sex demon that had seek me out.. Just to let you know, she is also married.

      It's my fault and I truly blame myself. It's just been a struggle that I can't win with out seeking God.. I really don't go looking to be with other women. It's just that it's the spiritual realm of sex demon's. .I have to fight them off every day.

    • techygran profile image

      Cynthia 6 months ago from Vancouver Island, Canada

      A well-written and compassionate look at some mistresses' journeys. I also learned things from reading the comments.

    • profile image

      Sarah 7 months ago

      A. I never dated a separated man with the intention of being viewed as a mistress or other woman. I'm also separated and actually ignored his flirting for six months til I thought there had been a more appropriate length of separation.

      B. He lied about their constant contact for six months when I had contact with my separated spouse likr once every 2-3 months via Facebook messenger.

      C. I told him to go back to her repeatedly. He took offense to me pushing him away and got multiple other women to validate him.

      D. He made me out to be a problem when I never was one and never had any ill will towards her as I grew up in a divorced home and had three step kids of my own already.

      E. He didn't want to go home to her when she wanted him. Only when she didn't and when she found other men.

      F. He convinced her I was harassing or etc to stop any communication if I tried to contact her to let it all out in the open so there were no lies from him and so I had no reason for a guilty conscience if he was lying to us both.

      G. He said we were all equally nothing to him when we all were upset about it because he didn't enjoy the negative backlash his lies created

      H. He missed me when I left him so he could fix whatever was wrong between you two after he said he still loved you. But he didn't try to fix it. He got new girlfriends.

      I. He tells everyone you cheated but knows his cold hearted ways are what ruined your marriage.

      J. He hit on other women every 2-3. weeks while living with you this last time y'all tried to fix it supposedly

    • Farawaytree profile image

      Michelle Zunter 7 months ago from California

      Well said! Thank you!

    • profile image

      Hope 7 months ago

      A very humane article about the other side of the other woman. I would add, for those mistresses that don't appear to feel guilt, it may come with time. Often, mistresses are numb, and in seeking to feel again, they do hurtful things. When the numbness wears off, even months or years later it can be horrifying for them. Our most hurtful actions come from pain.

    • profile image

      Fox 9 months ago

      I was in relationship with a married man for 5 years, the happiest time possible, loved it, the best time of my life, finally got tired, since he became clingy, but we are still friends. Easy, pleasant, and carefree type of relationships.

    • Farawaytree profile image

      Michelle Zunter 10 months ago from California

      Fantastic points! Thanks for commenting :)

    • profile image

      PanKaKe 10 months ago

      It's important to keep in mind that there are almost as many females who cheat as there are males. It's mentioned in the article that some of the mistresses are married themselves.

      To all the women, or men, out there whose partners have cheated or may cheat in the future, remember it isn't about you. You are not the one who made your spouse cheat. It was their decision to cheat and they never consulted you if it was ok to do so.

      The fault is in the cheaters lack of learning and maturity on how to communicate in a relationship. They lack relationship skills because they did not see it from in their parents relationship, or relatives, and did not learn how to form relationships when it came their time. They drifted into relationships and hence they drifted out as well. Often sitting on the fence before they decided which way to jump.

      If you look at your partners relationship history. You should have this discussion about yours and your partners relationship history from childhood to adulthood now before anything happens in your relationship. I have learnt how important this is as it something I didn't learn from my parents growing up. In a cheater you will find that they do not have the maturity to deal with issues in a relationship because of the lack of learning how to when growing up. There are many influence factors, when growing up, from strict parents to absent parents, that result in the cheater not knowing how to form and maintain close relationships. They learn to stick their heads in the sand, blame someone else, or hope it all goes away. They do not realize that if there is something they do not like, makes them unhappy, or that they are attracted to someone, that they should be discussing this in an safe and loving manner with their partner.

      If all people in a relationship learn the art of loving, honest communication then the incident of affairs will reduce and stronger relationships will be formed.

    • profile image

      Radtech109 10 months ago

      This is total BS. It must have been written by a cheated upon wife. I've been seeing a married man for 4 1/2 years and I don't feel any guilt. I'm not jealous of his wife (why would anyone be, she's being lied to, I'm not), she has to take care of him and runs herself ragged, I get him for leisure. I certainly am not bored and don't want to do many of the things he does with his kids. Been there, done that. I've seen the wife on FB, and she's overweight and boring. She likes to weave baskets and teaches it. Give me a break. I also don't think my career would be ruined by seeing a married man, and I don't hide it from my friends. I'd even welcome the wife finding out and confronting me, cause I'd just shred her to pieces, the stupid dingbat. That's my comment and I'm in the trenches. You let yourself go, you deserve it. Let me tell you, I work with men all my life and they all have a side chick. Especially the quiet, reserved, naive looking ones.

    • Farawaytree profile image

      Michelle Zunter 10 months ago from California

      Well, that's a different ending than many! ;)

    • profile image

      heidi janty 10 months ago

      married my affair partner he divorced his wife for me

    • profile image

      Meaghan 12 months ago

      My husband is having an emotional affair. They haven't slept together....yet. They text ALL the time. LOTS of complaints about me & our "terrible marriage". They are planning a ski trip together with their mutual friends. When I found out, I signed up too. Am I wrong to insist on going? I see it as fighting fire with fire.

    • profile image

      Mines #2 12 months ago

      Perfect views!!!

      This is my first time telling anyone my situation because I was embarrassed. I am actually the "mistress/OW" but in all honesty I do not feel like it. My "boyfriend" and I have been together for almost 2 years now this is my first time actually even doing something like this in my whole life. At first he never told me he was engaged let alone was getting married on my birthday and been in a relationship with his now wife for 13 years. We would go out all the time and see each other everyday still til this day I get the same treatment. Every holiday I get and he also spends the night every other day and the entire weekend literally. I feel like the only woman in his life besides his kids. I dont look at her like his wife more like just his "babymom". We go away throughout the year; he met my family and I met his. I do feel bad as a woman I know how it feels to be heartbroken and cheated on and to make matters worse even tho I did stay after he finally told me it was 6 months into the "relationship" they had gotten married on my birthday why did he even keep talking to me knowing my birthday is on the date he set his marriage on is unbelievable. I do get jealous literally almost everything you said was completely right I honestly think she has to know about our situation because he is never home even when he is at work he calls me to come be with him. To me its more of him being controlling he's to busy worrying about me leaving I don't think he is thinking about his wife leaving he has to know my every move. I really love this man and truly think even tho it could be games that he loves me too. Don't get me wrong I do feel bad if she were to ever call I would honestly tell her if she asked even tho I know I should just lie because I don't want to break up anything. I did try leaving plenty of times because I do feel guilty and I do believe in karma but I the same time I cant stop him. He does not want to let me go. He really has his cake and eat it too. Its hard for me to leave now and when I do try he doesn't let me its not always the mistress fault he came to me I didn't come to him.

    • Farawaytree profile image

      Michelle Zunter 13 months ago from California

      I would just make sure you spend some time getting to know her better and communicate clearly your worries about her past choices. Take your time if you just met her - we all make mistakes, but make sure it's not a regular pattern or that she's not still emotionally tied to the married man in question.

    • profile image

      Lost and confused 13 months ago

      Hi I met someone recently who was a mistress for about a year to another guy. I'm also married albeit very unhappy and was planning on leaving my wife before I met her anyway. She's no longer seeing the other guy. Could this ever work out? Is there something strange about a woman who's involved w two married men in this span

    • profile image

      Aimee Love 13 months ago

      Michelle I love your Article. I've been through a lot and my ups & downs with Hubby. We've been married for almost 13 yrs and yes he did Fix it and were back together. Short story to tell is Hubby's mistress commit suicide I didn't expected she's gonna do that. I was being fair, kind to both of them , maybe because is not the first time Hubby mess around with me and divorce is not the way to escape the problem,, so I gave his freedom, choose to be happy and whom to be with. I didn't even bother texting the other woman, I ignore all her text message,phone calls. I grab my luggage and flew to Germany. Then here we go again after 3 yrs she's gone, theres another woman pop out on his Facebook. His friend ( he call her a friend). When I found out they talking on Private message telling this woman "' Id be great to see you again,,,,maybe sometimes in the near future,,,, until then please keep in touch,,,, well talk another time. Right now I don't do nothing, my daughter in Germany is coming for Christmas and I want this Holiday over. I have to find out what he really want, what this woman holding to or what she want. I hate when people hiding things behind my back. This is not the first time so I know what to do. I am hoping this is not another fling.

    • profile image

      Betrayed Spouse 13 months ago

      My husband's mistress hoped to split us up. It was all over the emails between the two of them, the gifts that she sent home with him, and the emails that she and I later exchanged. Until he got counseling, he could not see how she manipulated him... so it is when a man thinks with his little head.

    • Farawaytree profile image

      Michelle Zunter 13 months ago from California

      Yes, that sounds very familiar and sadly, very common. Thank you for your comment....

    • profile image

      Lady Deee 13 months ago

      Every situation is different. In my case, when we met, he told me he had moved out and filed for divorce, only came back because she was diagnosed with cancer. He talked a good game....supposedly he told her he was leaving once the twins started all day school, but she was "completely aware" that it was a marriage in name only...was making plans to leave, yet oddly, after 3 1/2 years, when he told her he was actually leaving, she threatened suicide, and he couldn't leave because of his guilt. That was the final straw, and I ended it... which I should of done years before. Not a shock, I suppose, that he was lying to both of us.

    • profile image

      RubyC 13 months ago

      addition to what i just wrote neither one has no remorse oh he talks a good game sorry apologies but never has tempted to scratch the surface to be sympathetic tells me therapy is a waste of time :( plus he has compromised my health something I cant get rid of and also my mental state a gamit of things, which therapy is helping.

      its a very sorted Affair over 20 years that has put me in a quick sand of lies and deceit and life I felt that I never knew to be my own pretty f**ked up :(

    • Farawaytree profile image

      Michelle Zunter 15 months ago from California

      Wow thank you for your comment and sharing your perspective. It's really a terrible situation all around and must be difficult for you to have to take the high road.

      It's really a shame so many people get married and break their vows so easily. And yes - once you make the vows, you are responsible for them no matter how alluring the temptation or how easy it would be to cheat.

    • profile image

      Skylar 15 months ago

      My marriage was broken up when I found out about all the infidelity (emotional, physical, and financial) on my husband's part. It was instigated by his girlfriend telling a mutual friend about her relationship. He had been feeding her this line about our relationship being "open," and after a few months, she got suspicious. According to her. I'm not sure how much I believe her, because she was my brother's ex, the mother of my niece, and she had lived in my home for a few months after she had the baby. It was a few years later when my brother and she split up and the affair started. The funny thing of it is that I have to be the bigger person for the rest of my life, because she's still the mother of my niece, and he's still the father of my child.

      I really don't care what was going through her mind, because I wasn't married to her. I don't care if she plotted the destruction of my marriage, or if she really was that big of an idiot. I'm still pleasant to her and we're still friends on Facebook. I regularly watch my niece and pass along hand-me-downs from my daughter. Because she's family, and I have to.

      My ex-husband? We're as cordial as I have to be. We're still connected on Facebook, because I need to be able to communicate with him regarding our daughter. His is the only mindset I was interested in, because he was supposed to be faithful. We'd had 10 years together, but he had apparently been lying to me almost the entire time (about bank accounts, credit cards, payday loans, drugs, sex, work, you name it).

      It wasn't his girlfriend who broke us up, but it was his girlfriend who started to unravel his lies. And I'm thankful for her.

    • profile image

      KayKay 16 months ago

      i know they are jealous, insecure, weak, miserable women. they are told what they want to hear but know deep down this "dirty little secret" affair thing is all it is. they are his play thing. i dont feel sorry for them when they know he is married. they know exactly what they are doing. when they get through coveting and "stealing" crumbs from someone elses household, they will live an eternity in hell. thats due justice for them and their adulterous, backstabbing, womanizing "boyfriends".

    • profile image

      kyle 16 months ago

      This is a great article. At the end of the day, the cheater and the mistress is held accountable for the affair. I'm a bit sick of hearing that cheaters play a bigger role than the mistress. If the cheater feels his needs aren't being met, he should be a MAN and communicate his issues and concerns to his wife. That is a no brainer. On the other hand, who is to say the mistress didn't initiate the affair or try to tempt him? With so much going on about feminism and women in power, women today should be looking out for reach other and RESPECTING each other. As a WOMAN, she should show his wife some respect by not crossing boundaries or letting him cross boundaries. Even if she didn't tempt him, she should show herself some respect by not allowing a guy who could behave so horribly to pursue her. Who is to say he wouldn't repeat the same actions if he moved onto her? It's

    • grand old lady profile image

      Mona Sabalones Gonzalez 18 months ago from Philippines

      This article lays down the hard facts clear and easily. It seems to me that the creep in all this is really the guy. I wonder what the perspective would be if it were the wife having an affair? Would the man-mistress feel the same way?

    • Farawaytree profile image

      Michelle Zunter 22 months ago from California

      Yes, that's an excellent point. The truth is, that this is as prominent an issue as anything due to the increasing frequency that it happens. It's important to note that not everything is as black and white as people think.

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 22 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      For wives (and husbands) of a cheating spouse, it's also important to remember that this is not about you. Your spouses new "partner" is not out to get you or hurt you. In fact, they probably would not want you to find out and be hurt.

      It may seem ludicrous, but the truth is, a cheater isn't trying to get revenge or hurt their marriage. They are thinking about their own immediate needs, and having them satisfied. Whether those needs are sexual, emotional, or a combination of both, the cheater is having those needs met by the new partner.

      Thanks for the great article.


    • Farawaytree profile image

      Michelle Zunter 2 years ago from California

      Yes, great feedback. I like to switch things up a bit and make people think. Those who can relate will hopefully get some use out of it. :)

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 2 years ago

      Very interesting!

      I can't imagine too many wives being interested in the mindset or wellbeing of the mistress.

      Times have changed. Long gone are the days of men removing their wedding bands and pretending not to be married for the most part.

      The majority of affairs are initiated in the workplace where everyone knows each other's marital status.

      When it comes to the rich and famous men all the mistresses know in advance the men they're with are married. For some (younger women) being a mistress is just a fling to have fun and excitement.

      I know one man who did surprise his mistress by announcing he had left his wife and the mistress dumped him! I guess she did not want the "full-time" job! LOL!

      What mistresses need to know is people who cheat do so because they chose NOT to leave their spouse! They're cheating to tolerate their marriage.

      The goal of most cheaters is to hold onto all that is "good" in their primary relationship while addressing their other "needs" on the side. Very few people who cheat are looking to (replace) one relationship with another one.

      They just want to compliment what they already have.

      One man's opinion!:)