5 Things Wives Should Know About Mistresses

Updated on May 19, 2018
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Michelle writes about relationships, self-improvement, life lessons & attitude to both inspire & relate to her readers

Here are 5 things you may not know about being a mistress...
Here are 5 things you may not know about being a mistress... | Source

Generally speaking, from the perspective of a wife that's been cheated on, it's usually the "other woman" who gets most - if not all - of the blame for an affair. She's often perceived as a wicked homewrecker with nothing on her mind except "stealing" someone's husband.

There is no excuse for getting involved with someone that you know to be married. We all know this. But, let's remember, people who get involved in affairs are human too. Many of them have made terrible decisions and will have to live with the consequences of that for the rest of their lives.

There aren't many pleasant descriptions that go along with being a mistress. But, in reality, mistresses are just ordinary women, not superhero villains intent on destroying the world and all the marriages in it.

Mistresses are your friends and neighbors, and many of them are maintaining secret affairs that no one knows about. We can judge them all we want, but at the end of the day, what's really going on with women who become mistresses?

There are several issues that could be going on inside of a mistresses life and mind. Some of them are rarely talked about. Many people won't read this because they'll say, "Why should I care about a homewrecker?" Well, simply put, anyone you know or love could be someone's mistress, so it does matter. Here are 5 things wives should know about the mistress:

"...in reality, mistresses are just ordinary women, not super hero villains intent on destroying the world and all the marriages in it."

Affairs Happen
Affairs Happen | Source

1. She Feels Guilty

Yes, believe it or not, a mistress does feel guilt. If she is aware of the fact that her lover is married, she goes through all the normal emotions associated with guilt on a daily basis, such as sadness, depression, and hopelessness.

Unless a woman is a sociopath, she feels guilty for crossing the line, just like any normal human being would.

A mistress feels guilty when her lover chooses to spend time with her on a weekend, knowing there is a wife and possibly children waiting at home. She feels guilty when she hears other people talk about cheating spouses. She feels guilty when she watches movies about adultery. Guilt is the permanent ghost that accompanies a mistress throughout the entire affair and afterward.

That said, many mistresses are totally unaware that their lover is married. Many men go to great lengths to hide the fact that they are married. If a husband can have an affair and betray the woman he married, then he is capable of telling multiple lies, both to the wife and mistress.

Being "the mistress" is not exactly what people may think
Being "the mistress" is not exactly what people may think | Source

2. She Probably Never Planned On Being A Mistress

Most little girls do not fantasize about becoming someone's mistress when they grow up. Every adult is accountable for their own actions - of that there is no doubt. Unfortunately, sometimes circumstances and poor decisions can lead to affairs.

It's not likely on the goal list of any woman to get wrapped up in an affair with a married man and potentially lose her own career, credibility, friends, or even - in some extreme cases - her own life because of it. Not to mention, some women who have affairs are also married and have families of their own that they are jeopardizing by getting involved in an affair.

Many women end up being the other woman by having a "fling" with a man with whom they never intended on being with on a regular basis. They may or may not have known the man was married but they went ahead anyway, ending up infatuated or in love.

There are women out there that don't have a problem dating married men and have little regret, but generally speaking, this is not usually the case.

Many times the husband will make promises that can string a mistress along until so much time passes that it becomes difficult for her to break it off. If she is in love, she may not want to end it, even if she knows it's wrong.

"One thing that many mistresses crave more than anything is validation that her relationship with her lover is real. Sneaking around in secrecy is not the ideal for having a healthy, long-term relationship."

Source

3. She Gets Jealous

If a woman has become a mistress and if she knows that her lover is married, then most certainly she feels jealous. She feels jealousy every time he walks out the door, because she knows he is going home to another woman, and most likely a family. She knows her lover has another life at his home which she will never be a part of.

Unless she has a family of her own, a mistress's life is usually pretty lonely, emphasized by the fact that her heart probably sinks just thinking of what her lover is doing at home with his wife and family.

A mistress definitely feels jealous of the time a husband spends with his wife and family. She feels jealous that he has children with his wife, and she feels jealous that he shares a bed with his wife. Some mistresses even have children with their married lovers. Imagine what a complicated web that must be.

There's no doubt that mistress feels envious that her lover's relationship with his wife is not a secret to the world like hers is. One thing that many mistresses crave more than anything is validation that her relationship with her lover is real. Sneaking around in secrecy is not the ideal for having a healthy, long-term relationship.

A mistress, like any other woman, wants her lover to be proud of her, to tell their friends about her, and for them to have the desire to tell the whole world how much they love her.

Jealousy isn't just for a wife
Jealousy isn't just for a wife | Source

4. She Fell In Love With The Wrong Person

Well, this is a no-brainer, but unfortunately, love and lust are blind. A woman who ignores repeated red flags because of love or lust will eventually find out she has picked the wrong man.

A mistress is bound to come to this realization sooner or later. She may choose to stay in the affair long after she's realized her mistake for any number of reasons including denial, fear, and, of course, love.

Falling for the wrong person happens to all of us. It happens to single women dating single men. It happens to women who fall in love with married men. It happens to the wife of a husband who is having an affair.

The point is, most likely the mistress already knows she has made a huge mistake and only stays in the affair because she thinks her lover wants to be with her and she loves him. Of course, some women may not be that emotionally attached to their lovers, but I would guess that most are - especially in long-term affairs that carry on for years.

"The affair becomes her normal. The secrecy becomes her normal. In many cases, she will self-medicate or behave destructively to alleviate the guilt and shame."

Being a mistress is not glamorous
Being a mistress is not glamorous | Source

5. She May Believe There's A Future

How many women fall for a man and believe most of what he says? We've all done it at some point or another. If a woman knows her lover is married or found out at some point after she already fell for him, then there is no doubt she has been sweet-talked and promised to hundreds of times.

It's fairly common for a cheating husband to tell his mistress that he is miserable in his marriage and wants to get out. This may or may not be true, but whether or not he does get out of the marriage is another thing. If there are children involved or if the husband does truly want to be with his wife, then he won't make the steps to leave the marriage

A mistress has already placed herself in a vulnerable position, so if she is in love with the man she is having the affair with, she will make excuses for him, and probably suffers from deep denial. It may take months or even years for a mistress to realize that a man is not going to leave his wife for her. If he was, he would have done it sooner than later.

In an affair, no one wins
In an affair, no one wins | Source

Hanging on to an affair in hopes that a man will leave his wife is something many mistresses do and if there are years that pass by, she becomes more invested in the relationship and also more comfortable within the lie. The affair becomes her normal. The secrecy becomes her normal. In many cases, she will self-medicate or behave destructively to alleviate the guilt and shame.

Being the mistress is not glamorous. An affair may start out as a thrilling, romantic whirlwind, but it almost always ends up a depressing, disheartening situation. Mistresses are just like any other woman in the world. They don't necessarily need to be vilified.

At the end of the day, women who become mistresses are our daughters, sisters, aunts, mothers, wives and neighbors.

Who's To Blame For an Affair?

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© 2015 Michelle Zunter

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    • profile image

      simba 47 hours ago

      I am currently in the situation - Not an affair but something similar -

      A married man said he's in love with me - I also realized and believed that I am in love with him. It's like moss to the flame. The force is so strong. Something I never felt before also, I've never experienced something like this before ever.

      Anyway, long story short. He said he does not see himself with his wife as a retired couple in the future. He and his wife are in their 50th. I am 8 Years younger.

      I have a long time boyfriend of 17 years. We don't live together but we totally 100% committed. We have our separate house very close to each other.

      Well, after 3 years we've known each other at work. I don't see that he will ever leave his wife. Honestly, I don't want him too - Honestly, I don't really trust him with what he said. Although, I believe when he said he never have met someone like me before. You know why? because I would never secretly dating him or sleep with him which I know he would do.

      with me? ALL OR NOTHING. I am in love with him, but I don't let it control me. I am much stronger than that. A very happy and independent attractive woman like me would not let love concur me.

      So ladies, don't fall for married man NO MATTER WHAT. You deserve better.

      Good luck!

    • profile image

      A nony mouse 2 weeks ago

      Dear Tammy,

      he says he loves you and then threatens you and on top of that he is cheating on his wife, says it all really. He just loves himself. Perhaps he needs to be told that it is time to make his relationship with his wife work out, as it sure isn't working out for you. Relationships are made up of more than one person, both of whom have to take responsibility and both need to be happy, if he loved you he would want you to be happy, even if that means you are not together.

      It would be advisable to tell him to stay away and that if he continues to threaten you then you will contact the police. Hopefully he has enough to lose to not want this to happen.

      Good luck

    • profile image

      Madelyn 2 weeks ago

      I was the mistress of my best friend for 5 years. It was a very sick, dependent relationship that we had. Despite the fact that we ended up falling for each other, the guilt and shame of having this illicit affair made whatever was "good" about the two of us so toxic. But even if we knew this, we still couldn't let go.

      Until yesterday. It all came to a head. He finally told his wife about the affair and it is causing the breakup of their family. It was only then that I woke up from the lie I've been feeding myself that there was never any justification for what we did. I used to give myself excuses for being the mistress, trying to insist that I'm not that bad. But the truth is, I was acting selfishly (out of my own insecurities) and I caused a child to lose her parents. I am aghast at the destruction I left behind. I know it's not all on me but I should have taken responsibility over myself to end it earlier on.

      This article has been helpful for me because I can clearly pinpoint what caused me to make this mistake.. and hopefully learn to forgive myself so I can be a better person. I am so tempted to apologize to him and to the wife but I realize that my presence is already causing so much pain. So I just won't.

      I just wanted to express my deepest regrets. I love him but having an affair is never justified. No one deserves to be hurt the way a wife feels when she's been cheated on.

      I know we all make mistakes but seeing the breakup of a family due to my own misgivings is something I can never allow to happen again. Lesson learned.

      Thanks for the article! Very helpful.

    • profile image

      Tammy 2 weeks ago

      I have been involved with a married man for the past year and a half. He says he loves me, but I don’t love him. How do I break it off? P. S He threatens me if I touch on the subject

    • profile image

      Inamorata 3 weeks ago

      Im a single mom, i have a 3 year old daughter with my first boyfriend (13 years of relationship). And we broke up because he cheated on me. i grew up sorrounded by conservative family. I graduated in an all girls school sorrounded by nuns. I graduated with 2 degrees both with honors. so just imagine how devastated my parents were when i got pregnant out of wed. On 2012 i met a man. That was the time my relationship with my ex were on the rocks. He was always there giving me advices. Comfort me when i cry and im hurting. That continued until 2013. That time i decided to finally end my relationship with my boyfriend. Not knowing i was pregnant. The other man continued to be at my side. He became one of my daughter's godfather. at that time he said he just broke up with his girlfriend. I never knew he was married or his wife existed. On November 2014 we were officially a couple. he has lots of friends mosly women on his facebook account but since i trust him and i have faith in him i never doubted him. We live in two diff world two diff time zone. He is in US while im in PH. every year he come home to visit (he is a filipino US citizen) he met my family and all. On 2016 somebody sent me a picture of him together with a woman. He said she was his ex girlfriend the one he was talking about. And i believed him, i never ask questions. Whatever he says i always believe i think thats how love is. You have trust and faith with your partner. So our relationship continued. Until 1 night just this January 2018 i was browsing my newsfeed there was a suggested friend from phone number saved in my contacts. The profile picture was him. I checked it coz i was curious. There i saw a cover photo of him together with the same woman. And worst there are public videos of his 2 sons and 2 daughters on martial arts training. Yes he is into matial arts. He actually thought me some techniques. I felt lost. Drained. Hurt. Deavstated. I was decieved... again...

    • profile image

      A nony mouse 3 weeks ago

      Dear Donna,

      What is done is done and sadly your daughter believed this selfish man's lies. To be quite honest, I think it will be very difficult to rebuild her reputation and she would do better to move away, break contact with her old life and abandon/close her facebook profile. A warning for the future is that if you want to be some man's bit on the side, you will have to live in the shadows or risk the wrath of her community.

      My ex-husband had a bit on the side, one day I picked up the 'phone to her and told her that we had been together over 9 years and that we had a baby son and I asked her to stay away from my husband, she point blank refused. Things were pretty bad by this stage, so in a strange way she did me a favour, as he left me for her. A few weeks later she was back on the 'phone to me begging me to take him back, to stop him harassing her! Guess he wasn't all he made himself out to be when reality hit. There is nearly always bad karma around relationships that start out with cheating, because they are riven with paranoia. Either the mistress realizes that if the guy could do this to the wife then she could be next in line for a dose; or the guy worries about the personality of the mistress is such that she might be on the lookout for the next challenge. Is it worth the heartache all round?

    • profile image

      Jojo35 3 weeks ago

      No shame on both sides. Kids are important and when one side is not functioning at all, decisions decision making time is there.

      You and him made the the right decision, one that really fits your situation.

      Good Luck,

    • profile image

      Jojo35 4 weeks ago

      I am a mistress- to a man with young adults children who still live at home. I see him once a week or so & we go away together a couple of times a year for a few days. I got into the affair whilst struggling with my own marriage to a man who suffered with mental health and drink problems. I stay with him because I love him but also there’s fear of life completely on my own. I also am wary of bringing another man into my children’s lives after what they’ve already been through. An old friend told me I’m with him because it’s safe and my way of coping with all what I’ve personally been through with my ex - she’s spot on.

      I do think about what he gives up to be with me and that we’re both getting a half relationship - he does little with his wife, he gets all his support from me. Would he do more and have the relationship I dream of (but am too scared or damaged to find)?

      He contemplated leaving his wife and children to be with me but couldn’t leave his son. To be honest I wasn’t thrilled by the idea of having him here full time. I felt if he was to leave it should have been to be in his own for a while, give us chance to grow from an affair to a real relationship.

      I know that’s a ramble but basically I feel damaged from my marriage and whilst I love this man I’m aware it’s self protection.

    • Farawaytree profile image
      Author

      Michelle Zunter 4 weeks ago from California

      Wow, what a story! I totally relate to this. It's hard when you cannot convince people of their blindness when they are in love. Unfortunately, it has to be learned through experience. Yes, it's a shame that women so often blame one another and not the person they married. More often than not, the man will still be with the wife for many years and even cheat again while the mistress struggles to regain her life and reputaion. I'm so sorry this happened and I hope your daughter can put her life back together and not make the same mistake again. It's a toxic situaton.

    • profile image

      Donna 4 weeks ago

      Michelle, thank you so much for your blogs. I love them.

      My daughter end up being a mistress, but she didn't know it at the time. She found out when she caught him with his pregnant wife and their 2 year old. It almost destroyed her. But to our complete shock she continued in the relationship.

      She twisted herself inside out to cling on to him. She believed every lie. She blamed herself when he returned to his wife several times. She turned on my husband and I when he blamed us for going back to his wife. It went on and on. Heartbreak after heartbreak. Once again he moved into a motel room (always short term) and declared his love for her and she went running into his arms.

      I knew he would spend a few nights with her and return to his wife so I did the hardest thing Ive ever had to do. I packed up every item she owned and dropped them at the motel room. Here, you want her she is all yours. Lets see you take care of her. Lets see you live up to your promises.

      He told her to look for a rental apartment. He didn't show up to sign the lease. She stupidly signed it on her own. She was going to give him the home, comfort and love his wife wouldn't. She was going to make him happy. She spent every cent of her money on rent and furniture.

      He decided he needed to live with a friend "until things settled". Now he had the best of both worlds. He would spend the evenings with his wife and two children until around 7pm then go to our daughters to have dinner and then back to his flatmate.

      He was in marriage counselling with his wife to work on their relationship. He told our daughter him and his wife were making legal arrangements reading child custody. It wouldn't be long before he would be free to be with her. He was going to build their dream home. He was going to open a restaurant. They would travel. They would finally be together. Only one problem, his wife was unaware of his plans.

      Our daughter was walking through the park and saw them together. She approached him and he told his wife to keep walking. Don't talk to her she is crazy. Then he looked at our daughter and said "its over just stop". She asked him whey he had spent the night with her the previous night if it was over. He denied this of course.

      His wife asked for proof. She reached into her bag to produce the proof - his jumper and text messaged on her phone. He grabbed her. He tried to get her bag off her and tried to get her phone off her. He kept pushing her away from his wife. He managed to get her bag which freed up her hand. He still had her by the wrist, bending it back. She slapped him across the face and he let go. She run off distraught.

      He called an ambulance and the police. She was charged with assault. She was locked up. He then reported her to her work place and she was suspended pending an investigation regarding her conduct and metal health. In short, when this creep started following her and trying to contact her and falsely reported her for breach her restraining order the police dropped charges and her workplace stopped the investigation against her and she returned to work. Big lesson in her life.

      What really shocks me about all this, is the hate that other women have for her. He is back with his wife. His female work colleagues have abused her in public. She received abusive messages via Facebook. Yet he appears to be untouched by the whole experience.

      Here we are as women fighting for equality and wonder why we never quite get there.

    • profile image

      A nony mouse 4 weeks ago

      Was he just upfront with you or homely wife as well and did it cut both ways, could homely wife also screw around? Because if he frequently got dumped it does sound like he has an inflated opinion of his own attractiveness to other women.

    • profile image

      Lena 4 weeks ago

      Well, one of my exes was upfront about it. He told me that he wanted to marry and "cheat fairly often." He then married someone who was regarded as kind of homely and he, most likely, did exactly that. He had a previous history of getting dumped so he was probably looking to have a backup while he pursued women he truly wanted.

      And, then, the other extreme is a member of my family who was married with kids. He fell totally in love with a coworker, got a divorce and quickly remarried to his mistress.

      People were pretty shocked, but they were devoted to each other until she died decades later. They seemed truly meant for each other.

      So, who knows?

    • profile image

      Jibaro 6 weeks ago

      Dear A nony mouse:

      While reading your exposé if found this two sentences that sums it all,

      "My ex and I did go to marriage counselling and I would recommend it. It allowed my voice to be heard in my relationship and it stopped my ex saying that my viewpoint was irrelevant or irrational and in theory should have bought our understandings of one another closer."

      Honey, you got into the wrong relationship, you do not need a councellor to be heard! Get over it! I already told you that you married the wrong "beast". The same happened to me. Case closed! Accept your loses and move on!

    • profile image

      Jibaro 6 weeks ago

      Dear A nony mouse:

      While reading your exposé if found this two sentences that sums it all,

      "My ex and I did go to marriage counselling and I would recommend it. It allowed my voice to be heard in my relationship and it stopped my ex saying that my viewpoint was irrelevant or irrational and in theory should have bought our understandings of one another closer."

      Honey, you got into the wrong relationship, you do not need a councellor to be heard! Get over it! I already told you that you married the wrong "beast". The same happened to me. Case closed! Accept your loses and move on!

    • profile image

      A nony mouse 6 weeks ago

      Lil and Jibaro,

      Well, she might be a marriage saver if the husband is generous enough with the wife, for her to turn a blind eye. Otherwise, to be honest, neither men nor women are perfect. If the guy is spending large amounts of time and money on a mistress, that is time and money that is being diverted from solving the problems at home. If your wife does not make an effort, you need to know why.

      It could be stress at work. It could be tiredness from dealing with young children. It can be the husband makes very little effort either, they get beer guts and it seems to be more common that men have body odour problems than women. It can be that the guy objectivises his wife to such an extent that she feels taken for granted. Think about the kind of guy who offers a back rub, not because it is a nice or kind thing to do, but with the sole objective of it ending in sex and when it does not end in sex the guy sulks and withdraws affection. Or the sort of guy that sadly, thinks that sex should follow some sort of porn script and has very little idea about boundaries and consent and thinks that women should conform to the physical and performance standards of porn.

      Think of the many marriages out there where a woman's career comes to an end when a child is born and money becomes tight. How is this woman to have money for a gym membership and a decent diet to rid herself of those baby pounds? If husbands are unhappy with their wives then a mistress may not resolve that problem, because the time and resources that should be being spent on marriage counselling to sort the problems out are being spent on the mistress.

      My ex and I did go to marriage counselling and I would recommend it. It allowed my voice to be heard in my relationship and it stopped my ex saying that my viewpoint was irrelevant or irrational and in theory should have bought our understandings of one another closer. I could see how it had the potential to work really well with a couple who would be willing to take responsibility for their respective failings in the relationship dynamic. However, my ex is a selfish individual, who was more interested in his mistress than doing the hard work of repairing our marriage and my trust in him. He left to be with her and I started divorce proceedings. It did not work out with the mistress and he sort to violently prevent me divorcing him. The previous marital therapy gave me the confidence to know that I had done my best to try to remedy our problems and to be able to see that he would not man up and do the decent thing. It gave me the confidence to realize that nothing I could do would make him happy and that in turn, he was making me unhappy. Our son was 10 months old when he left for his mistress and I then decided to end the marriage, as although he came back, I knew it was only because his relationship with his mistress had failed and if he did not think I was good enough in the first place to stick around it would not be long before we had a replay and it was better for my son not to lose his father later down the line.

      The mistress did me a favour in many ways. My husband could be charming as long as things were going his way, but when they weren't, he could be abusive. He went onto marry a woman from a poor country who had 4 children, none of them his, it worked for a while until 2 of the children came to live in his household. The police turned up on my parents' doorstep in December 2015 asking about my welfare, as I have practically disappeared, my parents 'phoned me and I was asked to contact police in the area where my ex lived. the police there, asked how things had ended. I told them all about the abuse, they said about 90% of what I had described had happened to the new wife. Lets put it this way, he spent time in prison and they are not together any more.

      It made me laugh that he said that I was fat and unattractive, then went and married someone just as fat, and well just as ordinary in appearance as me. Well I guess either he figured that he might get mean portions from someone thin, or more likely, he is not as attractive as he thinks.

      So Lil the professional mistress, there is a guy out there that is: fat; grey; balding; snores; has a poor standard of personal cleanliness and spends a vast amount of time on porn, that I am sure would love to meet you and the good thing you might be doing for some poor abused partner of his, is that he might just walk out on them for you!

    • profile image

      Jibaro 6 weeks ago

      Lil, there is the type of mistress that does not wishes to break a marriage because she is happy to be the mistress. That seems to be you!

      That type of mistress is a marriage saver. Where the wife fails, she covers and maintain the marriage. But sadly all these perfect women pretty sure that many of them are oversized and badly kept hates the professional mistresses and will never accept their contribution to the marriage.

    • profile image

      Lil 6 weeks ago

      I rather been the Mistress than the main wife. From experience men chat becouse they are not getting the things they need.

    • profile image

      DOROTHY 7 weeks ago

      I have been married for over 11 years now,

      me and my husband met in the church many years before we started dating,

      we had a loving relationship until my husband started acting strange

      by getting very angry over little issues, coming home very late,

      refusing to spend time with me...

      I was then introduced to some professional hackers

      hackdemon4 AT g mail DOT com

      who helped me hacked his phone's texts and calls so I got to understand

      what he has been going through. they offer lots of hacking services,

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      topping credit score, background checks and surveillance,

      access to social networks, school servers, I cloud and much more,

      vibe r chats hack, Facebook messages and yahoo messenger,

      calls log and spy call recording, monitoring S M S text messages remotely,

      cell phone GPS location tracking, spy on What s app Messages.

      contact them on h-a-c-k-d-e-m-o-n-4-@-g-m-a-i-l-.-c--o-m. Tell them it's from Dorothy

    • Farawaytree profile image
      Author

      Michelle Zunter 2 months ago from California

      Yes, lots of people do like to have their cake and eat it too! I'm glad this article has provoked conversation.

    • profile image

      A nony mouse 2 months ago

      Badlansbabe,

      guess Lady Jane has not figured out that lots of men like to have their cake and eat it, or to be more precise to have more than their share of the cake. A lot of mistresses find out the hard way when either they waste their own lives by chasing after a man who is never going to leave the wife or they do get the guy, but the guy turns out the guy is not all he is making himself out to be. Or that in getting a promotion from mistress status, they have created a vacancy. This can only be described as karma

    • profile image

      Badlandsbabe 2 months ago

      Lady Jane...

      Let me give you a newsflash sister... In case nobody has told you & obviously, you can't figure it out yourself, as a human being & especially as a female, it's in very poor taste to make the statements you've chosen to make about the other females who have commented.

      You know damn well, that you have absolutely no right to pass judgement on anyone else's relationship experiences, unless you, yourself have experienced it completely, from their perspective & in their shoes... You haven't so, shut it.

    • profile image

      A nony mouse 2 months ago

      Sure did marry the wrong person and I certainly did run for the hills. The courts initially could not believe how bad this guy was and I was accused of 'indulging in an exercise in hyperbole'. His behaviour continued unabated, as he had been granted unsupervised contact with our son.

      Then one day he went too far in dragging me through the courts yet again. This time because I had moved miles away, no real choice as our home had to be sold and we had to move to a cheaper area. The court were aghast at the evidence that I produced and they put a stop to contact.

      He went on to marry a foreign lady, but he had a big dose of karma when he was abusive to her. The police told me they searched his house took away his computers and raided his workplace simultaneously and removed computers from their too. Given that he is a software engineering manager, I doubt whether his employers were too impressed either. He was initially bailed, but the police said new evidence came to light, which was put before a judge who rescinded bail. He spent about 3 weeks including Christmas Day in jail.

      It is good that you are decent enough to pay for your children's education, I don't think my ex will be, he has been making my son and I pay by keeping us short. This is despite the financial settlement that he received from me and despite the fact that he has been made aware that I am unable to work because of the cost of care for our disabled son.

      Trust me whatever bad behaviour your ex-wife perpetrates on you. The fact that you have put your children first and always done the right thing by them counts for a lot.

      Good luck

    • profile image

      Jibaro 2 months ago

      A nony house, you said it, you married a sicko. The only solution when encountering a narcissist is, head for the hills! Simply getting as far away from that person.

      With my nowaday experience, marriage for a good hearted men is a losing proposition. I do not need an ownwer, I do not need what all feminist are offering. The sad part is that mist college graduates are realizing so.

      Sex, I can buy it or have friends with benefits. Friends and love, I get a dog. House cleaning, laundry and everything else can be bought. Want a kid? Buy a surrogate mother!

      Women have gotten themselves out of the equation. In the Books of Proverbs it advise men to stay away from quarrelsome women and it states so in three diferent places.

      So, you come to me with yoyr story, my first marriage story. She was so bad that I kept my 4 kids, 3 girls and 1 boy. She did really fucked my life. Nowadays I have a 26 year marriage with a great lady and, I was lucky!

      If I ever marry again, I look for a Russian or Middleeastern one, my wife's advise because I will not deal with anyone who thinks that she owns me!

      Btw, all my kid are colkege graduates with advanced degrees paid by me. So do not think that I do not knowbabout good or bad people.

      Both of us once did married the wrong person and did pay dearly for it.

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      A nony mouse 2 months ago

      Jibaro,

      both men and women make vows of in sickness and in health till death do us part. Men sadly, frequently leave because of a wife's or a child's ill health. Are they not breaking those vows?

      In my ex husband's case, our couples therapist told me that he had a narcissistic personality disorder. People with this problem can behave impeccably for many years until something does not suit them and then all hell breaks loose. So it is difficult to identify them. In my ex husband's case the trigger for his behaviour was the birth of his son. He could not stand the amount of attention his son required of me. He became violent, coercive, abusive and he had an affair. He shook his own child and that child has since been given a diagnosis of ASD. Wife number 2 was unaware of what he was like when she married him too and low and behold he attacked again when 2 of her children moved in.

      Any woman who he is with who dares look after their children or sick relatives are going to be risking his ire, but they have no way of knowing this till it happens.

      Having an affair means that the guy's resources are divided from focusing on and helping to resolve the problems at hand and is likely to perpetuate those problems. It becomes all to easy to live the fantasy of wouldn't life be so much better with someone else. Reality is none of us is perfect and the only way to a good relationship is to see fallibility and imperfection as an inherent part of what makes all of us human. You will see in the post to lady Jane, that I compare affairs to holidays, neither are real life. SORRY.

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      A nony mouse 2 months ago

      Lady Jane,

      Firstly, I am sorry that you have unwittingly become the other woman. However, this relationship has started with your guy deceiving both you and his wife. Frankly, on that basis alone I do not know how you can trust or respect him, which in my book are pretty major components in the love equation.

      Affairs exist in a kind of perfection bubble. Júst as a holiday/vacation is a break away from the day to day grind, an affair for this guy is probably pretty much the same thing. It is easy to seem like the perfect gentleman in this bubble, as he only has to play this role for relatively short periods. The same goes for you, are you really keeping house for him 24/7, washing his socks, ironing his shirts, possibly running around for kids, as well as tolerating any annoying habits in the name of love?

      None of us is perfect, but no one seems to be able to admit this these days and work on their relationships. As I have said before the grass is not greener on the other side it is merely greener where you water it.

      Yes, I have been in a marriage with a husband who cheated. Everything seemed fine for eight and half years until I gave birth to our son. He then spent every available minute online to the detriment of our relationship. He thought that he was entitled to do this, as I was no longer employed and he was working. Never mind, that I was now fulltime mummy who did all the feeds, baths, nappies/diapers, washing 24/7.

      We went to 3 different relationship therapists. He bailed on the first, saying she bullied him. He bailed on the second, saying that the therapist fancied me. We started to get somewhere with the third therapist. He said that he did not want children, I asked why he had not said this when we discussed this prior to marriage, he said he hoped I would forget about it or get too old to have children. This together with the domestic abuse was a real low. Where do you go from there? I was only holding it together for the sake of our child.

      Then on 15/12/05 with a 10-month-old child, he dropped the bombshell that he was in love with someone else and after the New Year he would be moving out.

      His parents were aghast. They persuaded him he should do the right thing by his wife and child. He knelt before me and pleaded: "I've been a selfish b*stard and nothing like this will ever happen again, but I need my space". I told him he could have his space, as I was going to my parents for Christmas and he could use the time to sort out what he was going to do to put our relationship back on track. I had his computer monitored whilst I was away, no sign of any positive attempts on his part, plenty of porn, match.com, email to mistress, married and flirting chatroom etc.

      I stopped making any effort and stonewalled him, just the way he did to me. Eventually, he walked out to be with his mistress. It did not work out, and because I would not accept him back, he tried to run me over. Unfortunately, the police recorded it as a road traffic action, so appropriate action was not taken. The mistress 'phoned saying he was harassing her and asking me to stop him, the irony was that on one occasion while he was having the affair, she 'phoned and I answered and asked her to back off to no avail!

      Needless to say, the divorce was hell and child contact was such a nightmare, it obliged me to move away. Eventually, the courts put a stop to contact. Then one evening in 2015, the police turned up on my parent's doorstep enquiring about my welfare. After establishing that I was OK, I was asked to contact another police force. It turned out that my ex had remarried to a foreign lady who did not work and he now had 4 stepchildren. He had been paying off her debts and paid for her 4 children who had been living in another country. However, 2 of these children had come to this country just 6 months previous and this had led to a deterioration in relationships. The domestic abuse that he had perpetrated upon me was happening again. He had been arrested, charged and bailed, but not for long as new evidence came to light so he was remanded in prison. Unfortunately, about 3 weeks later the new wife walked into the police station and retracted her statement, the Crown Prosecution Service dropped the case.

      We assume that he is divorced, or in the process. His house is on the market and from his facebook page I can see that he is going to a dance group and on their facebook page there he is dancing round sans wife! Not really any of my business, but pity the poor woman who falls for the pater, because sadly, I can only see history repeating itself.

      The very fact that your guy has been duplicitous both with his wife and you, should be a big warning flag. The poor woman who subsequently married my ex, was not his mistress, so like me she did not have this warning flag either. Lucky for you, you do. Never mind quit acting like a victim, either work on your relationship or walk, have you ever thought that this is what your lover should be doing? Sadly, lots of guys are selfish and behave like this, because in trying to hold their families together or in by being a mistress women enable this narcissistic behaviour. Don't demean yourself by accepting the crumbs from another woman's table. Go find yourself a decent guy who you deserve, because if you stick with this guy you will find yourself sucked into a life of paranoia everytime he is not around you will wonder what he is up to with whom (unless you are polyamorous). Is he really worth that sort of hassle, let alone the guilt of breaking up someone else's marriage? Although to be honest my ex's mistress did me a favour, of sorts ;)

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      Jibaro 2 months ago

      Lady Jane, my hat is off! I congratulate you for being an honest and realistic women.

      Usually when there is a mistress it is because the wife failed at something and the man in compensating. A women can fail in a relation or marriage due to several reasons. They can be psychological or medical. The man does not wants to end marriage but also is not willing to keep the loss.

      In addition there are some women that does not want a marriage and rather enjoy the mistress position.

      The woman knows who she did married and it was her decision and the same goes with men.

      I reakly sorry for most women that accuses her husband and call him a cheat because in most cases the real cheat are them that somehow did put there marriage bows aside and have commited an act of treason to themselves, to their families, kids, and husbands; and then accuse their husband of cheating.

      Cheating usually is a reaction to an action or inaction. Finally, I know that many "ladies" will never accept our positions. Love is love and it is a very estrange thing.

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      Lady Jane 2 months ago

      I unknowingly became the other woman. I don't feel guilty. I did not plan on being a mistress, because I had no idea he was married. By the time I found out, I was in deep. It was suppose to be an out of town summer fling and we stayed in touch. Hell, he is in another country. No, I am not jealous. Did I fall in love with the wrong person? Why because he is married? No, I do not believe we are going to run off into the sunset together. I think there are a lot of very angry women on here who fail to grasp that they are a huge part of the reason their men are cheating. The relationship is broken. Your man did not break the relationship on his own because he is not in a relationship with himself. Men have emotional needs, not just sexual, and if your man has to go to another woman to fulfill those needs what does that tell you? Either work on your relationship or walk, but quit acting like a blameless victim.

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      Lady Mackbeth 2 months ago

      I wanted to comment on the first comment made on this page two years ago by a man who said he just wanted to spice up his marriage. I think this is wonderful for the wife. Problem is the mistress is a woman as well with the same buttons as the mans wife and if she happens to like this man then he is not a better man for trying to make things work with his wife. The problem is not being honest. Honest for the sake of the mistress. Honest because it keeps things fair.

      No woman wants to be kept a secret. No respecting one anyway. Ive been on both sides and I can tell you now, unless everyone knows whats going on its not going to be fair to the "unknown" woman. I mean, what woman likes to have subversive love? Its an oxymoron. Best bet is the occasional tryst. To see a married man regularly is masochism.

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      A nony mous 3 months ago

      Hi Raydux,

      Your ex-paramour has children, so he may think the best way to protect his marriage is to airbrush your existence from the picture. Or, he may be simply stringing his wife along till something better comes along, or he may be the sort who has endless affairs. You are not together and how he behaves subsequent to the break up is not really your business.

      If you make it your business, a pretty rough shit storm is likely to ensue. If you tell the wife she will think you are jealous and trying to break them up and won't thank you for it. She will tell her husband and he will be angry too. If you speak to him he is likely to think that you are trying to break him and his wife up and he will either take this as an ego massage and try to rekindle your relationship (and probably string you along). Or if he is genuinely trying to get back together with his wife, he will be angry that you are jeopardizing this.The result of this is that he is likely to tell your partner, to tell you to stay away, which is going to make your partner wonder why you are still so interested in this guy; further destabilizing your relationship. If you are in the UK you could be arrested for harassment, the courts in these circumstances, would be likely to hold that in contacting him you would have indulged in a course of behaviour that any reasonable person would know to be harassment. Whilest, you probably would not receive a custodial sentence, you would probably get a suspended or community sentence, is it really worth the hassle of months on bail, having your business splattered across the newspapers,people talking behind your back and a criminal record to boot.

      Do yourself a big favour and stay well away, your energies would be better spent trying to repair the relationship you have. I wonder does this all stem from an unconscious desire not to be with your partner? But if you are after a bit of schadenfreude, well I can tell you this often comes a long time down the line. In my case, my husband spent time on remand for domestic violence against his new wife. It was nothing to do with me and 10 years on, but I could say that now people know what he is like.

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      Jibaro 3 months ago

      Dear Raydux:

      Yes indeed you are misinterpreting the Bible because you, like most people, is applying the wrong meaning to the words. In order to understand the Bible you have to understand the time, the history and the culture that was written for.

      For example, adultery!

      There are three kinds of adultery. The Biblical, the religious/social, and the legal adultery.

      The Biblical Adultery

      We for a man is to have sex with any woman that belongs to another man. If the woman is single the man is not committing adultery. It does not matter if he is married or not!

      For a woman, a woman only commits adultery when she has sex with another man that is not her husband.

      So adultery in reality has to do with stealing some other man's property or for a woman getting pregnant from other man that is not her husband because she is contributing with a robbery of a inheritance.

      The religious/social adultery is whatever meaning they might put to it.

      The legal adultery is specific and varies from state to state.

      If you do not believe me you might check Chapter 5, Adultery of the book Divine Sex written by Philo Thelos. You can get it at Amazon.com. It is a very well documented and footnoted book.

      As for the Ten Commandments, there are three versions.

      Exodus 20 2-17

      Deuteronomy 5:6-21

      A Traditional Catechetical Formula

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      raydux 3 months ago

      hi A nony mous,

      I am not married and no kids. I have been with my partner for 20 years. I've never been in affair before and I have started my own personal counseling. I do take responsibility for my actions and I am trying to make my relationship work. Its is why I had ended the affair, even though it was difficult to do. I also, do not work with this person anymore so we wont be running into each other there.

      I do believe though that its totally 50/50 not all his fault, nor all mine. I made my commitment to my partner, not his wife and he made his commitment to his wife and not my partner. We are both responsible for our actions. He does have teenage kids, I do not.

      I don't understand though, how he can go back to wife without telling her the truth? Especially if he wants to make that marriage work? It's why I told my partner. I had to out of respect for him and wanting to fix my relationship with him. Also, he deserves to know the truth.

      I would be lying if I didn't say I missed this other person though. Our connection was so more emotional and dialogue. We did have relations but never bought gifts or made it about money. We did have discussions of our future, etc.. So, those are the things that I am missing in my relationship that have to be addressed and fixed.

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      A nony mous 3 months ago

      Hey Jibaro,

      Excuse me if my reading of the bible is wrong here, but isn't one of the 10 commandments: thou shalt not commit adultery. Also isn't there some story of a character who spies someone else's wife taking her bath and then goes and nails her, he is then punished by God.

      Also, recent research suggests that women may be even more suited to polygamy than men and that the idea of monogamy only came about with the demise of hunter-gatherer communities. Once people farmed, that meant that people had investment in the land and guys only wanted their own offspring to benefit from that work, the bible reinforces that message.

      In hunter-gatherer communities, everyone is much closer tied to one another by mutual need for survival. So I guess in that circumstance monogamy has no advantages, to ensure the survival of at least some offspring, it would be wise to have different parents for each birth, thus increasing the overall genetic lottery of any given group.

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      A nony mous 3 months ago

      Dear raydux,

      you need to have a good hard look at your relationship with your husband. Did you tell him about the affair because you wanted to salve your own conscious or because you secretly wanted to get out of that relationship? If it is the latter, then do the honourable thing and split up. Take responsibility for your wrongdoing and treat your husband well through the divorce. Do not give him more reason than he already has to run you down to your kids.

      If, however, you wish to resurrect your relationship with your husband you need to get to counseling tout suite, to figure out what led you down the affair path in the first place. You will also face an uphill struggle with regards to your husband trusting you. I would suggest that it might be an idea to find a new job, people know what you have done and your presence is only fanning the gossip and making life worse for you and your paramour (might score some brownie points with your husband too). A part-time role would give you more time to concentrate on your relationship. Cooking nice meals, housework, nice lingerie (which your husband knows you are only wearing for him), etc, will help. You may need to let your husband have access at will to your, email, mobile phone and it's records as and when he wants; you will also need to keep him informed of where you are and what you are doing. Forget any social life that does not include him. He does not trust you, you have betrayed his trust and now it will be an uphill struggle to re-establish that trust. Accept that you are in the wrong and that you are going to have to work hard to regain his trust. Then you might stand a chance.

      As for your bit on the side, forget him. You did not give him stability in the affair by calling it off and he is going to be as mad as hell that his wife has found out. There is one honourable way out of this. TELL your husband that he is not the only person who has been hurt in all of this, so has your bit on the side's wife, tell him that you need to email him one last time and that you want him to approve the email that you have written before you send it.

      In the email you need to point out how much you regret the hurt that you have both caused each other and each other's spouses. You need to say that you wish your bit on the side and his wife every happiness despite the mess you are all in and to this end, you are trying to find employment elsewhere, so that work gossip and the very fact that you unavoidably see one another do not further fan the flames of the situation further. Ask that all communications are kept businesslike until you leave and state that you are blocking him on social media, deleting his number and won't be going on works social function, to give both your marriages a realistic chance of working without the distraction of each other complicating the picture. Copy it to his wife too, everyone knows what has been said then, everyone has seen you act as an adult and take your share of the responsibility and everyone who matters can see that you are sincerely trying to repair the damage that has been done by removing temptation and removing the fall back position of if it does not work with our spouses, we have each other. Once those complications are out of the way, your respective spouses are far more likely to believe that your attempts to rebuild a relationship are genuine.

      We are all attracted to other people in life, that is a fact. What is important is the way in which we handle that attraction. What better way to show our love for that person than to f**k up their lives for them, by being their mistress. That's just bad karma. The results of that karma are that you BOTH have one hell of a mess to sort out and how you sort it out will determine what sort of relationship you have with your kids. Remember, the grass always looks greener on the other, till you get there. The smart people know that the grass is simply greener where you water. Pay more attention to your own husband and relationship and use relationship therapy to put out there the expectation that you expect the same in return.

      As a wronged woman, I am saying, if this goes wrong for you don't try to nick anyone else's husband. It is truly horrible to be on the receiving end of this. I wish you luck, not for your sake, but for the sake of your husband and your poor children who are stuck in the middle of this. Get a grip and do the right thing.

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      raydux 3 months ago

      How do I start? Well, I was the OW for 6 months. We had been great friends and co-workers for over a year prior to the affair. He is married and I am in a long-term relationship (20 years). In reading this article, I felt myself acknowledging many of its topics. I sure felt and do feel guilty and I never planned on being a mistress ever! I also fell very much in love with the wrong person...an unavailable, married person who I believed loved me on some level, but not enough, in the end. Not enough to leave his marriage, anyways, even though he had told me he would (in time). I truly did believe there was a future and believed everything that was said to me and what we had experienced together as proof. I never felt such a strong connection to someone emotionally, in all of my life and he use to tell me the same. From music being sent to me every morning, to pictures of houses being sent to me (ones we could have). There were days when he would stay in his car, on the way home, asking me if he should turn around so we could be/leave with each other. That was in the beginning. Then it became more of 'we'll be together soon and in the future' and not so immediate.

      The affair started with us going out to lunch together with a group of people from work. Then, we became friends on social media (fb messaging/texting) and phone calls, after I had left the job that we both had worked at. We then began meeting after work for drinks/food. We even went shopping together around Christmas and thanksgiving and such.

      Our dialogue never ended. We would text/call/fb message and check in, at least 2-4 hours per day. And we talked about everything. work, news, sports, love, sex, our home lives, what we were cooking every night, what he was watching on tv, pictures sent of him sitting near the fire in his house, wanting me with him, sex pictures, checking in with each other when he was out with his wife, saying he wished it was me he was with, not her.

      It then turned into him telling me he loves me all of the time, and me telling him I loved him too. He had told me that he had been unhappy with wife, but there for kids (older teens) and that he should have left her years ago ( I guess she had had an affair years ago when they were young/first married). When I asked how he was going to leave her for me, he said in time, she would ask him to leave and he wouldn't ask her to stay this time?.

      As the affair went on, of course, I wanted more time with him. I believed everything he had said to me and fell in love. We were planning our futures. But then one day, the guilt I had became so overwhelming for me that I emailed him an "I can't do this anymore" email. But the email wasn't mean, yet not nice either. It hurt him. He didn't talk to me (ghosted me for 2 days) before he responded. He told me to give him space and he was angry and hurt.

      So after another 2 days, I told my significant other, about the affair. Out of pure guilt, wanting to do the right thing by having him hear it from me and not someone else, and to see if we can fix our relationship after what I had done. With this, I texted the man I was having the affair with, and told him I had confessed to my significant other. Well, that didn't go over to well with him. I had suggested that if he wanted to save/fight for his marriage, he should tell his wife the truth before she hears it from someone else, since news of the affair was getting out.

      We went back and forth texting, but it seemed that all he cared about was wanting to not getting caught with his wife. But then I stupidly cried about him and disclosed my situation to a friend and acquaintance who ended up emailing his wife and my significant other (who already knew since I had told him) about the affair.

      So, it turns out that he never told his wife a thing until that email. He blames me for telling a friend of what happened, and he continually lied/lies to his wife about what happened. He basically told her that we had kissed 2 or 3 times, went to a couple of lunches and there was alcohol involved. He never told her of the 6 month relationship or that we actually slept together for months, or that he wanted to leave her. He basically told her he had ended it, which is not true, and that I wanted him back, blaming me.

      I send my last email to him (some comments I had made, even though angrily) are justified. some not so much, but I was hurt, and upset and soon realized that he was never going to leave his wife for me. And, instead of talking to me, he 'ghosted me' and said hardly anything. Or when he did, it was to make sure I had erased all of my fb and text history from phone/computer and nothing about how sorry he is or about love for wife. He was still covering his ass with her. He did always say that she would never throw him out and I guess that is true, no matter what he tells her, she believes. I know she had suspicions but somehow he always talked his way out of them. After that angry fb message/email I had send about how this was a mistake and I had hated him and myself for what we had done, he blocked me from his social media accounts and I blocked him from my phone.

      So now, we are dead to each other, I am extremely hurt and guilty and upset, but still glad that I told my significant other about my mistake. I do admittedly wish that this person I had the affair with, is having a hard time at home with his wife and she's giving him crap for his behavior, but I doubt that she is. Last I had heard, is that he can't go out after work that much anymore, that I don't work there (again it must be all of my fault, not his who made the commitment to her) and he helped to buy her a new car!

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      A nony mouse 3 months ago

      Some guys think the grass is greener on the other side, the reality is that the grass is greener where you water it. Your mistress looks hot because she knows you are coming, because she knows she will be rewarded with compliments, flowers jewelry, perfume, nice clothes, meals out, holidays, rent and outside of the limited time she has sex with you she is not obliged, to cook, wash, iron, clean up after you, put up with snoring or bad habits.

      Any mistress should be wise enough not to be jealous of a wife, who in their right mind would want the duplicitous cheat that, that sort of lover is on a full-time basis. If he is doing it on his wife and leaves the marriage, how the hell could you trust him in a monogamous relationship. The chances are their relationship stagnated and history is likely to repeat itself

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      a nony mouse 3 months ago

      I rang my ex-husband 's mistress and told her that he was married and had a 10-month-old son and asked her to back off. She point blank refused. I told her, that if he can do this to me, he might not be all you think he is and well when a mistress deigns to be the new partner, she creates a vacancy for a new mistress.

      Ex-husband was as mad as hell that I rang her. A few weeks later, he left me for her. Surprise, surprise a few weeks later he was back on my doorstep, it didn't work out. I told him where to get off. Next thing you know she is on the 'phone to me saying he is harassing her and asking me to take him back to put a stop to it. Just said "Well you wanted him so badly that you weren't prepared to listen to my side of things, why the hell would I take him back to stop him pestering you. I am not that desperate, you are welcome to one another. KARMA"

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      Squirrel 3 months ago

      The cat, it's always the cat's fault

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      Jibaro 4 months ago

      Who's to blame for an affair?

      It shocks me!? 3% only blames the wife. Well there is a great biblical saying, "Ask and you will receive!"

      Most women almost if not always blame the husband and the lover for the affair. Ok, lets for moment analize why the husband is looking for something away from home. Why? Because there is none home! The all edge provider the wife has been neglecting her spousal duties and she does not want to recognize it.

      However, if you do some real research you will find that biologically, by its own nature, man is hypogamous and polygamous. That means that he tend to marry younger and lower status women and multiple partners or wives.

      Women by nature is hypergamous and monogamous. That means that she tends to marry older and higher status men and seeks to have a single relation or mate.

      In that biological realm that the Roman Empire did change and created the monogamous married couple while the men had all the slaves to have sex as he pleased.

      In Jesús times the Jewish community was polygamous and there is no mention of it. But that is also why in the Bible there is not a single condemnation against polygamy. But divorce is not really permitted as a protection to the wife.

      So men tends to, like any other animal, to run its natural programs and women do so too. However, religion and state did change the western world, while destroying human happines.

      Please do not bark at me for telling things as they really are and will always be!

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      Happy 4 months ago

      I enjoy being a mistress. I have had the affair for 5 years and still going. I do not want a relationship- I enjoy my independence. We get together, have our fun (and that encompasses more than just sex) then I go back to my life and he goes back to his until the next rendezvous. Being a mistress means I don't have to worry about a clingy guy and best part is, my lover and I get along famously, care for each other and the affair is always exciting- not complacent as relationships always get. I have no problem seeing a married man and I have no intention of breaking up the marriage. Jealousy....not one bit as that is just a wasted emotion. I know what I want in life and I am happy making my life simple with no drama.

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      Mrs Margaret Cheek 4 months ago

      My husband is an artist and even though he is old, women project their fantasies on him because of the lifestyle he projects seems so perfect. For instance,I resent cooking for a woman who had sent my husband pictures of her bottom and who then came to learn art from him. Luckily for me she was not nice either in character or to look at. Women are always flinging themselves at my husband without any regard for me or his children. Any woman who does this has every right to feel disgusted with herself. I am sick of such women. and the world seems full of them.

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      MollyMagee 5 months ago

      Excuses, excuses, excuses. Everyone lying to each other and lying to themselves in this situation. Yes. The betrayed wife is lying to herself that her loyalty to her spouse, their family they created together and to her in-laws (that have raked her over coals w/their toxic behavior for decades of marriage to their child) and her work on behalf of their kids: one disabled and one w/critical illness will be rewarded and respected with loyalty and love and cherishing back from her own spouse- she won't be necessarily; the husband is lying and disrespecting two women: being disloyal/disrespecting his marriage and his wife and he's treating his AP like a whore (worse - at least they get a salary from it), stringing her along and lying to her that there's a hope in hell for a "forever" eventually together - there probably isn't; and the AP - is a lying to herself (she'll come first "eventually" - in most situations - probably not), and she's helping the lying and deceiving of her AP's spouse to continue (and hurting their children/families too) and and she's lying to her AP as well. Well, his told him about her former cheating but even that didn't scare him off. Go figure ... bad on her but worse on him. In my husband's case he was her#3 (that I know of) in a long line of her addiction to cheating... she cheated on her own first husband with her current #2 hubbie and was cheating in on#2 hubbie with my husband... guess who was next if they had continued, he had dumped me and they had married. You got it! Him. And yes, she knew we had a disabled child and a critically ill one as well. And she continued with her selfish pursuit of her married men. And yes, he reciprocated too. And yes, we have elderly relative to care for. His and mine. Yes, our marriage was struggling after the highs and lows and highs of 28 years together but you don't go buy a new "very used" car when your own car is broken down by the side of the road w/your wife and kids still did it. He did that.. .metaphorically... and that's on him. He sang her - the AP - the classic sad song of "ignored, not enough sex, neglected" hubbie forgetting to mention the years and years I provided all of that for him, forgetting to mention to her that SHE was NOT the only one he was reaching out to on-line (he had back ups in case she fell through... she wasn't special!) and forgetting to mention that for years he belittled and condemned me when I noticed photos of other women in his emails and "artistic photos" account. Nice, huh? Part of a larger pattern/addiction on his part. Can you see why they were attracted to one another??? - both probably have sex addictions. He comes from abusive childhood - maybe she does too. Hurt people... hurt people. Our kids, some of our best friends and relatives will never look at him the same... our marriage is still intact but it's day-by-day recovery. She got dumped eventually - neither to say. And she's probably onto her next victim or willing accomplice or a bit of both. We had to serve her with a "cease and desist" letter from lawyers as she doesn't truly understand the concept of "No" or "Stop" as she laid low for awhile, when I caught them by sheer accident and her sheer stupidity (his too - he clearly wanted to be caught) but then resurfaced months later "wanting to be just friends". What a nit wit. Lady.... you don't get to be friends w/your ex-AP - my husband. Go join a book group you dope. Why don't the Harvey Weinstein's of TX hit on women like her - they are birds of a feather. She dragged herself up to New England to pursue him... after engaging in a year long affair on line... texting and sexting and then hooking up. And she's a public school employee who could still lose her job (I'm one too) if I reported her to HR dept. of her district as every teacher signs a morality code as part of their contract and she violated hers w/this affair. She's lucky I haven't... yet. My own recover has cost us $$$... his too. We could have circled the world 3x and brought 10 of our closest relatives and friends on what we've spent on therapy: our son's hospitalization - he became suicidal from all of this stress; our own counseling; workshops; experts. Cheating is $$$ folks so remember that. So is divorce and post nups, etc. If you can't be loyal to your spouse... at least be loyal to the bank accounts you built up and share over the years of marriage from both your jobs ... cause they are gonna empty fast with the fallout of affair. My best recovery has been through Al Anon meetings and dettaching with love as I didn't: Cause it, can't/couldn't control it and can't cure it. I think of his affair as a sign of his large issues from being abused child by his mom leading to sex addiction. He would have eventually done the same to her. The best part for me what finally being able to see - exactly how awful my own in-laws were to me, in crystal clear light, after the word got out that he cheated. After doubting myself for decades, I could see that they would never respect or cherish me and I've cut off all contact, time w/them, etc. It's the healthiest and best thing I could have done for myself. It's not accident he was so hurtful... he comes from people who are actively hurtful in present. And I'd say, his former AP got off pretty easy (for one, she'll never be married into their picked in brine juice family - so she can thank me for that - cause they would have eaten her alive!!)... but I have nothing good to say to say about her or to her except: ... karma is bitch, you were one to our family, and what goes around eventually comes around. Peace to all recovering spouses from being betrayed and slandered and cheated on this holiday season. MM

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      Jane 5 months ago

      Where are the morrals these days? People do not respect relationships any more.

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      The Mistress 5 months ago

      It's been 4 months since we were caught, the affair was 3 years long, for the first 2 years I had NO CLUE he was married he lived about 45 minutes away. Since then the wife keeps harassing me, as soon as everything happened I stepped back went away disappeared as I should they stayed together . I dont call, text, email nothing im trying to move on with my life after falling in love with a liar, who ended up being married and then strung me along crying "divorce" would happen. Sad lesson learned, but 4 months later they make fake IG profiles, text me, and pop up harassing me as if it's my fault. All im trying to do is pick up the broken guilty pieces of myself and move on why cant they?

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      Julie C 5 months ago

      I'm letting my cheating partner go, and helping him do so. It turns out we are both disassociative personality types, and I get to talk to his brand new personality that wants to keep his hot wife (and I am considered hot, so we get cheated on, too) and loving family, and the man I married, who only shows up in profile now, telling me all about how I even know who she is, while his eyes light up the way the used to for me. She is married, too, I figure I am only helping them. LOLOLOL

      He is all her's now, I just have to wait to calm down a bit more, and then get to work on the divorce and what not. This is all new to me. I am quite angry he didn't use a condom and I had to have pregnancy symptoms, again, after an entire decade without them because my Fallopian tubes are no longer allowed to operate as I had them cut apart on the operating table directly after the C-section. I knew something was going on because these symptoms kept happening during my period, which keeps on coming with lovely regularity each and every month.

      He is also lying his ass off, trying to keep us both, so I believe he is actually poly-amorous in his head, but his little mister doesn't want me, it wants her. I am not poly-amorous, and there are other very fine fish in the sea.

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      Barb 6 months ago

      Being the "Other Woman" for close to three years and being told by his 22 year old daughter that her parents had gotten divorced,info he didnt share with me..... In my state of Shock and with alcohol in my system, I inadvertently told his daughter that we had been together. Now he hates me because his daughter now knows what he did and he is knocked off the pedestal she put him on.. and I'm the "bad guy"...my heart is broke into a million pieces, I don't know if i will ever love again, Yes I did love him. I have become an angry and bitter bitch that drinks too much, I am depressed and barely functioning....I hit him just last night as i saw him for the first time since all of this happened and he told me in front of his daughter and a group of friends that he had "nothing to say to me".... I've always been happy and confident and wouldn't hurt another person ....I trusted him completely and was the most intimate I'd ever been with anyone with him....I dont know if his now ex wife knows, but his daughter is the one that I hurt. I am going to print out this article and send it to her and him.

      It was not entirely my fault that he came to me on a regular basis for intimate fun. I accept 50% of the blame, but everyone makes me out to be the bad guy...Why? Because I'm the one that was single and lured him to my house ? I think not!!

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      happiness 6 months ago

      We all want happiness.....and happiness from good health, food, shelter, love and etc.....

      In this topic - we talk about LOVE in relationship with other partner(s).

      There are two kinds of people -Type A: People who will lie, cheat, deceitful to find love/pleasure - who are weak, coward, selfish, manipulate, in denial, greedy,

      Type B: People who don't or won't

      Type A: Find their happiness/pleasure and violate the others people happiness/pleasure.

      Type B: Find happiness and don't violate others' people happiness/pleasure.

      What you DON'T want to do it to Yourself DON'T DO it to others.

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      fhaye 7 months ago

      Being the mistress is not what I think could be. I was married and have one kid ,he is 6yrs old boy. I wasn't intended to be like one but it happened. My boss was perfectly married and has two sons 17 & 15. I never expected to fell to my boss, he care so much , we spent so much time with lunch and free time. But it never happened if I don't give him a chance. I was fool but I fell to him. He never promise anything, just talking and I give time listening to him to whatever he is stressing and disappointment. Till we came to a certain place ,I stopped him and asked him "why?".. he said because I give him time to most moment he was down , because I only give ear to listened and not advising , because I never nagged like choked him on his neck....I feel bad about what my boss is telling me now.. my guilt is that I allow him to do whatever he wants to do, too caring, and let me feel something that Ill never felt with my own husband. I keep to myself everything , when there's an incident I saw her wife, I felt jealous and sad. but cant say and do anything but stay behind the door and wait. I wanted to go away and quit my job with him, but he stopped me. and I don't know why I have to stay and be with him secretly. I actually asked a sick leave , got my pretend illness for two weeks,, then I am missing him, even I was with my husband. I said to myself , I have to stopped this affair, and leave him and apply to other job. but it didn't work, we still seeing and even worst that we missed each other.. I don't know what to do and to stop it. I thought to myself, I fell in love with the wrong person.

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      Robert 9 months ago

      5. She May Believe There's A Future

      How many women fall for a man and believe most of what he says? We've all done it at some point or another. If a woman knows her lover is married or found out at some point after she already fell for him, then there is no doubt she has been sweet-talked and promised to hundreds of times...

      I have to disagree about the man has sweet talked the woman. It goes both I was approached by my therapist. And after seeing me with my wife she was so pushy. I had told her that I was married. ..it's all started with a weekly call for a reminder for my appointment. I would talk strong about God. Filled the holy spirit. My wife and I was youth counselor at a church. God had blessed us with more than enough. This was one of my sex demon that had seek me out.. Just to let you know, she is also married.

      It's my fault and I truly blame myself. It's just been a struggle that I can't win with out seeking God.. I really don't go looking to be with other women. It's just that it's the spiritual realm of sex demon's. .I have to fight them off every day.

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      Cynthia 10 months ago from Vancouver Island, Canada

      A well-written and compassionate look at some mistresses' journeys. I also learned things from reading the comments.

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      Sarah 11 months ago

      A. I never dated a separated man with the intention of being viewed as a mistress or other woman. I'm also separated and actually ignored his flirting for six months til I thought there had been a more appropriate length of separation.

      B. He lied about their constant contact for six months when I had contact with my separated spouse likr once every 2-3 months via Facebook messenger.

      C. I told him to go back to her repeatedly. He took offense to me pushing him away and got multiple other women to validate him.

      D. He made me out to be a problem when I never was one and never had any ill will towards her as I grew up in a divorced home and had three step kids of my own already.

      E. He didn't want to go home to her when she wanted him. Only when she didn't and when she found other men.

      F. He convinced her I was harassing or etc to stop any communication if I tried to contact her to let it all out in the open so there were no lies from him and so I had no reason for a guilty conscience if he was lying to us both.

      G. He said we were all equally nothing to him when we all were upset about it because he didn't enjoy the negative backlash his lies created

      H. He missed me when I left him so he could fix whatever was wrong between you two after he said he still loved you. But he didn't try to fix it. He got new girlfriends.

      I. He tells everyone you cheated but knows his cold hearted ways are what ruined your marriage.

      J. He hit on other women every 2-3. weeks while living with you this last time y'all tried to fix it supposedly

    • Farawaytree profile image
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      Michelle Zunter 11 months ago from California

      Well said! Thank you!

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      Hope 11 months ago

      A very humane article about the other side of the other woman. I would add, for those mistresses that don't appear to feel guilt, it may come with time. Often, mistresses are numb, and in seeking to feel again, they do hurtful things. When the numbness wears off, even months or years later it can be horrifying for them. Our most hurtful actions come from pain.

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      Fox 13 months ago

      I was in relationship with a married man for 5 years, the happiest time possible, loved it, the best time of my life, finally got tired, since he became clingy, but we are still friends. Easy, pleasant, and carefree type of relationships.

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      Michelle Zunter 14 months ago from California

      Fantastic points! Thanks for commenting :)

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      PanKaKe 14 months ago

      It's important to keep in mind that there are almost as many females who cheat as there are males. It's mentioned in the article that some of the mistresses are married themselves.

      To all the women, or men, out there whose partners have cheated or may cheat in the future, remember it isn't about you. You are not the one who made your spouse cheat. It was their decision to cheat and they never consulted you if it was ok to do so.

      The fault is in the cheaters lack of learning and maturity on how to communicate in a relationship. They lack relationship skills because they did not see it from in their parents relationship, or relatives, and did not learn how to form relationships when it came their time. They drifted into relationships and hence they drifted out as well. Often sitting on the fence before they decided which way to jump.

      If you look at your partners relationship history. You should have this discussion about yours and your partners relationship history from childhood to adulthood now before anything happens in your relationship. I have learnt how important this is as it something I didn't learn from my parents growing up. In a cheater you will find that they do not have the maturity to deal with issues in a relationship because of the lack of learning how to when growing up. There are many influence factors, when growing up, from strict parents to absent parents, that result in the cheater not knowing how to form and maintain close relationships. They learn to stick their heads in the sand, blame someone else, or hope it all goes away. They do not realize that if there is something they do not like, makes them unhappy, or that they are attracted to someone, that they should be discussing this in an safe and loving manner with their partner.

      If all people in a relationship learn the art of loving, honest communication then the incident of affairs will reduce and stronger relationships will be formed.

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      Radtech109 14 months ago

      This is total BS. It must have been written by a cheated upon wife. I've been seeing a married man for 4 1/2 years and I don't feel any guilt. I'm not jealous of his wife (why would anyone be, she's being lied to, I'm not), she has to take care of him and runs herself ragged, I get him for leisure. I certainly am not bored and don't want to do many of the things he does with his kids. Been there, done that. I've seen the wife on FB, and she's overweight and boring. She likes to weave baskets and teaches it. Give me a break. I also don't think my career would be ruined by seeing a married man, and I don't hide it from my friends. I'd even welcome the wife finding out and confronting me, cause I'd just shred her to pieces, the stupid dingbat. That's my comment and I'm in the trenches. You let yourself go, you deserve it. Let me tell you, I work with men all my life and they all have a side chick. Especially the quiet, reserved, naive looking ones.

    • Farawaytree profile image
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      Michelle Zunter 14 months ago from California

      Well, that's a different ending than many! ;)

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      heidi janty 14 months ago

      married my affair partner he divorced his wife for me

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      Meaghan 16 months ago

      My husband is having an emotional affair. They haven't slept together....yet. They text ALL the time. LOTS of complaints about me & our "terrible marriage". They are planning a ski trip together with their mutual friends. When I found out, I signed up too. Am I wrong to insist on going? I see it as fighting fire with fire.

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      Mines #2 16 months ago

      Perfect views!!!

      This is my first time telling anyone my situation because I was embarrassed. I am actually the "mistress/OW" but in all honesty I do not feel like it. My "boyfriend" and I have been together for almost 2 years now this is my first time actually even doing something like this in my whole life. At first he never told me he was engaged let alone was getting married on my birthday and been in a relationship with his now wife for 13 years. We would go out all the time and see each other everyday still til this day I get the same treatment. Every holiday I get and he also spends the night every other day and the entire weekend literally. I feel like the only woman in his life besides his kids. I dont look at her like his wife more like just his "babymom". We go away throughout the year; he met my family and I met his. I do feel bad as a woman I know how it feels to be heartbroken and cheated on and to make matters worse even tho I did stay after he finally told me it was 6 months into the "relationship" they had gotten married on my birthday why did he even keep talking to me knowing my birthday is on the date he set his marriage on is unbelievable. I do get jealous literally almost everything you said was completely right I honestly think she has to know about our situation because he is never home even when he is at work he calls me to come be with him. To me its more of him being controlling he's to busy worrying about me leaving I don't think he is thinking about his wife leaving he has to know my every move. I really love this man and truly think even tho it could be games that he loves me too. Don't get me wrong I do feel bad if she were to ever call I would honestly tell her if she asked even tho I know I should just lie because I don't want to break up anything. I did try leaving plenty of times because I do feel guilty and I do believe in karma but I the same time I cant stop him. He does not want to let me go. He really has his cake and eat it too. Its hard for me to leave now and when I do try he doesn't let me its not always the mistress fault he came to me I didn't come to him.

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      Michelle Zunter 16 months ago from California

      I would just make sure you spend some time getting to know her better and communicate clearly your worries about her past choices. Take your time if you just met her - we all make mistakes, but make sure it's not a regular pattern or that she's not still emotionally tied to the married man in question.

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      Lost and confused 17 months ago

      Hi I met someone recently who was a mistress for about a year to another guy. I'm also married albeit very unhappy and was planning on leaving my wife before I met her anyway. She's no longer seeing the other guy. Could this ever work out? Is there something strange about a woman who's involved w two married men in this span

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      Aimee Love 17 months ago

      Michelle I love your Article. I've been through a lot and my ups & downs with Hubby. We've been married for almost 13 yrs and yes he did Fix it and were back together. Short story to tell is Hubby's mistress commit suicide I didn't expected she's gonna do that. I was being fair, kind to both of them , maybe because is not the first time Hubby mess around with me and divorce is not the way to escape the problem,, so I gave his freedom, choose to be happy and whom to be with. I didn't even bother texting the other woman, I ignore all her text message,phone calls. I grab my luggage and flew to Germany. Then here we go again after 3 yrs she's gone, theres another woman pop out on his Facebook. His friend ( he call her a friend). When I found out they talking on Private message telling this woman "' Id be great to see you again,,,,maybe sometimes in the near future,,,, until then please keep in touch,,,, well talk another time. Right now I don't do nothing, my daughter in Germany is coming for Christmas and I want this Holiday over. I have to find out what he really want, what this woman holding to or what she want. I hate when people hiding things behind my back. This is not the first time so I know what to do. I am hoping this is not another fling.

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      Betrayed Spouse 17 months ago

      My husband's mistress hoped to split us up. It was all over the emails between the two of them, the gifts that she sent home with him, and the emails that she and I later exchanged. Until he got counseling, he could not see how she manipulated him... so it is when a man thinks with his little head.

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      Michelle Zunter 17 months ago from California

      Yes, that sounds very familiar and sadly, very common. Thank you for your comment....

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      Lady Deee 17 months ago

      Every situation is different. In my case, when we met, he told me he had moved out and filed for divorce, only came back because she was diagnosed with cancer. He talked a good game....supposedly he told her he was leaving once the twins started all day school, but she was "completely aware" that it was a marriage in name only...was making plans to leave, yet oddly, after 3 1/2 years, when he told her he was actually leaving, she threatened suicide, and he couldn't leave because of his guilt. That was the final straw, and I ended it... which I should of done years before. Not a shock, I suppose, that he was lying to both of us.

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      RubyC 17 months ago

      addition to what i just wrote neither one has no remorse oh he talks a good game sorry apologies but never has tempted to scratch the surface to be sympathetic tells me therapy is a waste of time :( plus he has compromised my health something I cant get rid of and also my mental state a gamit of things, which therapy is helping.

      its a very sorted Affair over 20 years that has put me in a quick sand of lies and deceit and life I felt that I never knew to be my own pretty f**ked up :(

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      Michelle Zunter 19 months ago from California

      Wow thank you for your comment and sharing your perspective. It's really a terrible situation all around and must be difficult for you to have to take the high road.

      It's really a shame so many people get married and break their vows so easily. And yes - once you make the vows, you are responsible for them no matter how alluring the temptation or how easy it would be to cheat.

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      Skylar 19 months ago

      My marriage was broken up when I found out about all the infidelity (emotional, physical, and financial) on my husband's part. It was instigated by his girlfriend telling a mutual friend about her relationship. He had been feeding her this line about our relationship being "open," and after a few months, she got suspicious. According to her. I'm not sure how much I believe her, because she was my brother's ex, the mother of my niece, and she had lived in my home for a few months after she had the baby. It was a few years later when my brother and she split up and the affair started. The funny thing of it is that I have to be the bigger person for the rest of my life, because she's still the mother of my niece, and he's still the father of my child.

      I really don't care what was going through her mind, because I wasn't married to her. I don't care if she plotted the destruction of my marriage, or if she really was that big of an idiot. I'm still pleasant to her and we're still friends on Facebook. I regularly watch my niece and pass along hand-me-downs from my daughter. Because she's family, and I have to.

      My ex-husband? We're as cordial as I have to be. We're still connected on Facebook, because I need to be able to communicate with him regarding our daughter. His is the only mindset I was interested in, because he was supposed to be faithful. We'd had 10 years together, but he had apparently been lying to me almost the entire time (about bank accounts, credit cards, payday loans, drugs, sex, work, you name it).

      It wasn't his girlfriend who broke us up, but it was his girlfriend who started to unravel his lies. And I'm thankful for her.

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      KayKay 20 months ago

      i know they are jealous, insecure, weak, miserable women. they are told what they want to hear but know deep down this "dirty little secret" affair thing is all it is. they are his play thing. i dont feel sorry for them when they know he is married. they know exactly what they are doing. when they get through coveting and "stealing" crumbs from someone elses household, they will live an eternity in hell. thats due justice for them and their adulterous, backstabbing, womanizing "boyfriends".

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      kyle 20 months ago

      This is a great article. At the end of the day, the cheater and the mistress is held accountable for the affair. I'm a bit sick of hearing that cheaters play a bigger role than the mistress. If the cheater feels his needs aren't being met, he should be a MAN and communicate his issues and concerns to his wife. That is a no brainer. On the other hand, who is to say the mistress didn't initiate the affair or try to tempt him? With so much going on about feminism and women in power, women today should be looking out for reach other and RESPECTING each other. As a WOMAN, she should show his wife some respect by not crossing boundaries or letting him cross boundaries. Even if she didn't tempt him, she should show herself some respect by not allowing a guy who could behave so horribly to pursue her. Who is to say he wouldn't repeat the same actions if he moved onto her? It's

    • grand old lady profile image

      Mona Sabalones Gonzalez 22 months ago from Philippines

      This article lays down the hard facts clear and easily. It seems to me that the creep in all this is really the guy. I wonder what the perspective would be if it were the wife having an affair? Would the man-mistress feel the same way?

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      Michelle Zunter 2 years ago from California

      Yes, that's an excellent point. The truth is, that this is as prominent an issue as anything due to the increasing frequency that it happens. It's important to note that not everything is as black and white as people think.

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      Deborah Demander 2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      For wives (and husbands) of a cheating spouse, it's also important to remember that this is not about you. Your spouses new "partner" is not out to get you or hurt you. In fact, they probably would not want you to find out and be hurt.

      It may seem ludicrous, but the truth is, a cheater isn't trying to get revenge or hurt their marriage. They are thinking about their own immediate needs, and having them satisfied. Whether those needs are sexual, emotional, or a combination of both, the cheater is having those needs met by the new partner.

      Thanks for the great article.

      Namaste

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      Michelle Zunter 2 years ago from California

      Yes, great feedback. I like to switch things up a bit and make people think. Those who can relate will hopefully get some use out of it. :)

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      dashingscorpio 2 years ago

      Very interesting!

      I can't imagine too many wives being interested in the mindset or wellbeing of the mistress.

      Times have changed. Long gone are the days of men removing their wedding bands and pretending not to be married for the most part.

      The majority of affairs are initiated in the workplace where everyone knows each other's marital status.

      When it comes to the rich and famous men all the mistresses know in advance the men they're with are married. For some (younger women) being a mistress is just a fling to have fun and excitement.

      I know one man who did surprise his mistress by announcing he had left his wife and the mistress dumped him! I guess she did not want the "full-time" job! LOL!

      What mistresses need to know is people who cheat do so because they chose NOT to leave their spouse! They're cheating to tolerate their marriage.

      The goal of most cheaters is to hold onto all that is "good" in their primary relationship while addressing their other "needs" on the side. Very few people who cheat are looking to (replace) one relationship with another one.

      They just want to compliment what they already have.

      One man's opinion!:)

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