Jenny is a girl who loves many things. She loves street foods, traveling, nature, music, cats, and dogs! She's crazy about purple & writing!
Sometimes, we fall for married people without knowing that they are already married. That is very sad because we only get to realize that we loved the wrong person when we have already fallen too deep. Now, decent people will try hard to distance themselves from the person no matter how difficult it is because that is the right thing to do.
On the other hand, there are those people who would still cling to the married person believing that someday, somehow, their love will find a way. These type of people clearly know that they are in the wrong and they know they will (at some point) be the cause of a family's destruction but, they do it anyway because they believe that they have the right to love and be loved. In my opinion, this kind of mentality is not right. It can be admirable, yes, but it is not right. why? There are 10 reasons I can give you why it is not right to continue living like a paramour.
1. People Will Judge You.
Those who get involve with married people will find themselves in a situation where they are constantly judged and booed by the people around them. The people don't know the real situation, yes. But the point is, when you become someone's lover, you become a "home-wrecker" in other people's eyes. People will always root for the wife or the husband and never for a mistress and you can never change it. That is the fact of life and you just have to deal with it. You chose to be a mistress so you need to accept that people will judge you no matter what. If you go out and buy some clothes, people will have something to say about you. Worse, the humiliation of it all once the wife or the husband learns about your existence and confronts you in front of the people...that is something you constantly need to get ready for.
2. The Person Can Never Be Yours.
As a lover, you will never feel that you belonged to each other. There will always be this nagging feeling inside that tells you this person is not here to stay. He can never be yours. You just don't have the right to claim him because he is not yours in the first place. Of course, we cannot own a person because we are all equal and free but when a couple is married, they can at least claim to themselves that they belong together and that they are made for each other. As a lover, you can never feel that way towards the person. You can never demand for him to stay every night even if he wants to. He will always go home where he belongs - to his wife and family.
3. You Will Always Have to Hide.
If you are involved with a married person, you have to live your life in secret especially in matters concerning the relationship. You will never have the pleasure of meeting his friends and family. He can never show you off to the world. You cannot go out holding hands and being sweet. When you have to date, you need to go to places where you both do not know anyone (which is not bad, really) but the truth is, your relationship should remain a secret otherwise that will be the end of you and that is very exhausting. We all want to be loved in a way that we can be proud of. We all want to love carelessly and openly and as a lover, that is something you can't do. The moment you let your relationship out in the open will be the moment you will lose each other and that is something you cannot risk if you want to keep the illicit relationship.
4. You Cannot Have A Future With The Married Person
Say goodbye to a bright future ahead of you when you get involved with a married person. The person may support you financially and give you a place to live but a future of you two being together all the time and being happy and free is not going to happen as long as the other person remains married. The time that you spend together will always be limited no matter how you love each other. Even if the person says he or she loves you, you can never be certain because you know in your heart that he or she will still leave you and go back to the family. You cannot marry an already married person. Unless they will get divorce but even then, there can still be legal implications against you.
5. The Law Is Against You.
In case you have no idea about legal implications of getting involved with a married person, let me tell you this, "the law will not protect you" under normal circumstances. There is a law against concubinage or adultery and whichever is applicable to you can get you in prison together with your partner. So you really need to think really hard before you jump into this kind of relationship. Not only are you destroying a family but you are also destroying your own life in the process. There will be a lot of consequences for your actions; the kids of the married couple will be gravely affected by the break-up or by the scandal, the legal wife or husband will be devastated and the entire family will crumble. Even if the issue involves the other spouse, the fingers will all be pointing at you. You will certainly look like the villain...
6. You Are Dispensable.
Being a lover means you are dispensable anytime. If the person realizes that his/her family is more important then you can be easily removed from their life. It will be easy to stop seeing you when they decide to stay faithful. In the end, they will always choose their legal spouse over you. As painful as it is, you just have to accept it. You should have told yourself that no matter how much love you invest in the illicit relationship, sooner or later, you will still go back to your empty bed...alone and broken. Similarly, the person can easily replace you with another. If the person gets tired of you and chooses to have another mistress, then he can easily replace you. There is nothing certain about illicit relationships.
7. You Won't Have A Special Treatment.
If he can cheat on his wife who he chose to spend his entire life with, what makes you think he will be faithful to you when you are just a mistress? Even if the marriage will be over and even if he chooses you over his wife, there is no guarantee that he will remain faithful to you. He cheated once, he can do it again and you should not be surprised because you are somehow the reason of his unfaithfulness in the first place. He may treat you differently but it doesn't mean you will be special for him because there is nothing special when you are hidden in a relationship.
8. Your Child Will Be Illegitimate.
Now, this is going to be very complicated for the woman committing the adultery because if she gets pregnant with another man's child, there will be grave consequences not only for her but also to the entire family. Now, if the mistress becomes pregnant, the family of the man might not know anything about it but once the child is born, it is considered illegitimate. It cannot be registered easily under the name of the father if the father is married to someone else. Not only that, the entire illicit relationship will become more complicated once a child is involved. In some cases, the kid will likely grow up not knowing who the real biological father is. Even if the child learns about the father, it is possible that the kid will grow to resent his father because of the situation they are in.
9. It Is Very Painful and Destructive.
Illicit relationships are always more painful that it is satisfying. It is difficult to maintain. There are no certainties. There are a lot of risks involved. The consequences are grave. And it destroys all the people involved. There are more disadvantages than benefits in an illicit relationship. If you are not mentally and emotionally prepared, you cannot survive in a relationship like this. Most people who get involved in illicit relationships are broken inside and otherwise cold, distant and money-driven. Some of them don't care if they wreck a home. They will try to cling to the married person as long as they can get something from it. A morally upright person will never stay in an illicit relationship. A person who values family will not get involved in a married person no matter what.
10. It Is Always Better To Love and Be Loved Openly and Freely.
The best reason of all? It is always better to love and be loved without fear and uncertainties. It is always satisfying to show your partner to your family and friends where he or she can feel accepted and loved. There is nothing better than planning your future together and ending up exchanging vows at the altar in front of all the people you both loved. Why risk everything in an illicit relationship when you can find a person not married yet who can love you the way you want to be loved? Why insist yourself in a married person's life when you can be someone else's priority? Why stick to being a mistress or a lover when you can find someone who will be willing to marry you?
Questions & Answers
Question: Why do mistresses call and confront the wife?
Answer: I don't think it is common that mistresses have contact with the family of the man they are cheating with. Not a lot of mistresses actually dare to show their face to the wife, because that will always end up horribly (for both of them). Maybe some mistresses do call and confront the wife if they feel like the man is no longer happy, and that the wife is the cause of his misery.
Question: What if someone thinks I cheated on her but I didn't and now she can't trust me and also after 3 months she found a new guy?
Answer: If you did not cheat on her, then you have to prove that it's true. If your ex really believed in you, she should have given you a chance to explain and prove that you were not cheating. At least try to explain your side to her and show her your sincerity. She may listen, if not, then let her go and move on.
Question: Why is it all he’s and not she’s when talking about getting involved with a married person?
Answer: "He" is usually used to generalize all men, regardless of gender. If we to consider the reading flow, it is not good to always put he/she whenever applicable. It can be really annoying for readers that is why I used "he" but it does not mean that I only refer to men (male gender).
© 2017 Jennifer Gonzales
t on June 27, 2018:
Truthfully, I believe in all these 10 reasons. Otherwise, it's just EXCUSES that people claim for themselves. Or they blame it on circumstances - unhappy marriage, children involved, money involved, reputation involved, health, whatever, cheating is cheating. Cause and effect. Believe in Karma people. If you do bad thing bad thing will happen to you one way or another.
That's the thing, we always have reasons and excuses, bottom line it's greed, and self-center. Self-ego. Self-serving or Self-need. Self-interest.
My sister stays in the marriage for many years (they don't have sex together anymore) but for the children's sake. Husband involved with another woman for 10 years and for the sex. and still is going on. He always a cheater. Not all blame is on him, it's my sister's fault too she accepts it -
My other sister remains as a mistress for 7 years and got a illegitimate child and the guy still leave her and stays with his primary relationship with childless. Although, they went through court, but he never accepted his child. My sister still loved him till these days...how love can be so blind. If he really loved her he would choose her and the child, but when they first got involved I advised her to stay away from him he will never leave his primary relationship. True enough. But my sister is selfish and self-destructive she chose to stay believing someday he will leave his woman for her - and then having a child thinking he will leave her for her? does not work. She moved on having a couple more relationship after that. She's a mess. She got what she deserves because she just keep falling for the wrong guy or the right guy but she's crazy who would be able to stay with her.
I've never been married, I have a 17 years loyal, and happy relationship he has his own house and I have my own house. We don't have any children.
My situation: a married man said he felt in love with me and I think I am in love with him. At the work place. However, after 3 long years....on and off. I've never slept with him but we kissed here and there about 3 times. (felt in loved - it's hard to stand up with both feet) I decided to call it off once and for all even though it's really hard. I never ever or accept to be a mistress. I don't ever think I cheat, but I came to close to the line.
Like I said. I am 100% believe in those 10 reasons that you wrote. I don't just agree or disagree but it's from my family and my own personal experience to give this conclusion.
Jennifer Gonzales (author) from The Hague, Netherlands on March 23, 2017:
The people you enumerated to have been known to have a good future were the rich ones and they only account for a minority in the entire world population. The issue does not only happen in the United States but also in other countries like the Philippines for example. People in the United States may enjoy being the "other man or woman" just for the thrill of it and divorce is very rampant in the country anyway, but in the Philippines, it is a completely different story. In poor countries, economic reasons drive the poor ones to get involved with married people because they thought they can have a future only to realize in the end that they gained nothing but shame and pain. I do not agree with you when you said cheaters cheat to complement what is lacking in the relationship. The problem with people who cheat on their wives or husbands is that they do not know how to be contented (except those who really experience physical abuse and the likes- my heart go out to those people). They cling to everything that is good? That is so greedy and selfish. All relationships are not perfect. And if a person cannot accept and work on that, then that person will sooner or later cheat on his or her other half. Cheating is one of the main causes of broken relationships and it does not only affect the couple but also the kids. A broken family creates a broken society.
dashingscorpio from Chicago on March 22, 2017:
In most instances relationships are of any status or circumstances generally don't last period. According to some statistics the divorce rate in the U.S. hovers around 50%.
Although I agree with you that it's never a good idea to knowingly enter into an extra marital affair. However I have to disagree with you regarding a person not being able to have a "future" with the married person.
There are countless famous couples who had affairs and went on to get married, have children, and so on.
1. Brad Pitt was married when he met Angelina Jolie
2. LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian were both married to others.
3. Danny Moder was married when he met Julia Roberts
4. Donald Trump was married when met Marla Maples
5. Eddie Fisher was married when got with Elizabeth Taylor
6. Claire Danes met Billy Crudup who was married to Mary Louise Parker
7. Gabrielle Union met Dwayne Wade, married with 3 children
8. Katharine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy had a 26 year affair.
9. Prince Charles married Camilla Parker Bowles after an affair.
10. Natalie Wood and Warren Beatty had an affair while she was married to Robert Wagner whom she left.
Naturally there are many other famous and not famous people who have been "the other woman" or "other man" who went on to either marry the person they got involved with or establish a long-term relationship. I personally know of a brother and sister (whose spouses) cheated on them and married!
Suddenly uncle and aunt became stepdad and stepmom. hmm
They remain married to this day after some 40 years!
Of course one could argue that these couples are "the exception" but nevertheless married people have been known to leave their spouses for the "other woman" or "other man".
Last but not least some women and men actually (enjoy) being "the other" and don't care what people think.
We live in area where people (openly) join "cheating dating websites" and sign up for cheating apps.
Even with that according to statistics the workplace is still the #1 place where cheating affairs begin. Clearly co-workers know about each other's marital status.
I've reached the conclusion that most cheaters are not looking to replace one relationship with another. Their goal is to hold onto all that is "good" in their marriage while addressing their other "needs" on the side.
They are essentially looking to "complement" what they already have. In some instances the affair allows them tolerate their marriage. As for the "other woman/man" many of them are just in it for the thrill and there those who also believe they can (help) the married person get through a perceived unhappy period.
Others have been known to fall "in love".