Debbie is a licensed counselor in the state of Arkansas. She lived in Venezuela and worked with a local orphanage there for many years.
The Best Way to Approach Sex With Your Wife
Many husbands would like to have more frequent sex with their wives, and feel frustrated when it doesn't always work out. Women on the other hand, often feel like a "piece of meat" and get tired of feeling like their husband is constantly after them. Approach is everything! Here are a few suggestions for husbands for improving their approach.
1. Watch Your Language
"So, when am I gonna get some?" is about the most insulting way a husband can approach his wife. It makes her feel that "some" is a commodity or merchandise that she possesses. "I guess I ain't gonna get any tonight" is another huge turnoff and with that approach, he's probably right! A woman doesn't want to feel like "some". She wants to be his partner, lover, wife, and friend. So husbands, don't refer to sex as "some" or "it", or anything that depersonalizes your wife. Use words that convey that you want to be with her because you love her.
2. Help Out Around the House
Lighten your wife's load before you approach her about sex. Many women work full time, raise children, and take care of most of the household chores. The more you can help your wife (not only when you want sex), the less tired she will be and your help will make her feel loved.
3. Do Something Special for Her
Do something special for your wife frequently. Find out what her 'love language' is. Does she like to receive flowers? Does she need you to listen to her? Would she feel loved if you drew a hot bath for her and put on her favorite music? Does she feel loved when you take the kids out for the afternoon so she can take a nap? There are many ways to show your wife that you love and appreciate her, and the more loved she feels, the more open she will be to your sexual advances.
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4. Improve Your Communication
Work on your communication with your wife. This doesn't mean talk more—it means listen more. Ask her questions and listen carefully to her answers. Put down the laptop, turn off the TV, and listen to her every day. Make comments that reflect what she's feeling or that demonstrate that you understand. Don't give advice, just listen and show your understanding. The more you communicate, the more connected and loved she will feel.
5. Make Her Feel Safe
Make your wife feel safe and protected. This involves watching out for her physical safety as well as her emotional safety. Lock the doors at night. Make sure her car is in good shape. Ask her what makes her feel safe. Stand up for her when others put her down and make the kids respect her. Another part of feeling safe is knowing that you won't hurt her with your words or actions. When a husband criticizes his wife or disregards her opinions or feelings, she feels hurt, not by some stranger, but by the man who vowed to cherish and love her. So bite your tongue when you feel like pointing out her faults. If she's doing something you think is unreasonable, tell her you want to understand what she's doing. That is much better than stating "that was a stupid thing to do". Make sure that your words make her feel safe with you.
6. Acknowledge Biological Differences
Refrain from making her feel like something is wrong with her just because she's not interested in sex as frequently as you are. In general, men have approximately three times more testosterone pumping through their bodies than women, so your wife's lack of interest in frequent sex has more to do with biology than with her feelings toward you. You may just have to work harder at getting her in the mood.
The Microwave vs. Slow Cooker Analogy
Remember that men are like microwaves and women are like slow cookers when it comes to sex. Men can get turned on in a second by a thought or a sight. It takes women longer to warm up but once they're warm, they're hot! Your patience, caring and gentle touch can go a long way!
So help your wife out, lighten her load. Do something special for her frequently. Watch your words, and make her feel safe. Spend time with her, listen to her, reflect back to her what you heard her saying. Kiss her, rub her shoulders and tell her how pretty she is. Sometimes, this will lead to something else and this will lead to...what you were hoping for.
When a woman feels loved and safe with the man she loves, she is usually very open to taking that love to the next step: making love.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.