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How to Approach Sex With Your Wife

Debbie is a licensed counselor in the state of Arkansas. She lived in Venezuela and worked with a local orphanage there for many years.

Improve your sex life with these tips

Improve your sex life with these tips

The Best Way to Approach Sex With Your Wife

Many husbands would like to have more frequent sex with their wives, and feel frustrated when it doesn't always work out. Women on the other hand, often feel like a "piece of meat" and get tired of feeling like their husband is constantly after them. Approach is everything! Here are a few suggestions for husbands for improving their approach.

1. Watch Your Language

"So, when am I gonna get some?" is about the most insulting way a husband can approach his wife. It makes her feel that "some" is a commodity or merchandise that she possesses. "I guess I ain't gonna get any tonight" is another huge turnoff and with that approach, he's probably right! A woman doesn't want to feel like "some". She wants to be his partner, lover, wife, and friend. So husbands, don't refer to sex as "some" or "it", or anything that depersonalizes your wife. Use words that convey that you want to be with her because you love her.

2. Help Out Around the House

Lighten your wife's load before you approach her about sex. Many women work full time, raise children, and take care of most of the household chores. The more you can help your wife (not only when you want sex), the less tired she will be and your help will make her feel loved.

3. Do Something Special for Her

Do something special for your wife frequently. Find out what her 'love language' is. Does she like to receive flowers? Does she need you to listen to her? Would she feel loved if you drew a hot bath for her and put on her favorite music? Does she feel loved when you take the kids out for the afternoon so she can take a nap? There are many ways to show your wife that you love and appreciate her, and the more loved she feels, the more open she will be to your sexual advances.

4. Improve Your Communication

Work on your communication with your wife. This doesn't mean talk more—it means listen more. Ask her questions and listen carefully to her answers. Put down the laptop, turn off the TV, and listen to her every day. Make comments that reflect what she's feeling or that demonstrate that you understand. Don't give advice, just listen and show your understanding. The more you communicate, the more connected and loved she will feel.

5. Make Her Feel Safe

Make your wife feel safe and protected. This involves watching out for her physical safety as well as her emotional safety. Lock the doors at night. Make sure her car is in good shape. Ask her what makes her feel safe. Stand up for her when others put her down and make the kids respect her. Another part of feeling safe is knowing that you won't hurt her with your words or actions. When a husband criticizes his wife or disregards her opinions or feelings, she feels hurt, not by some stranger, but by the man who vowed to cherish and love her. So bite your tongue when you feel like pointing out her faults. If she's doing something you think is unreasonable, tell her you want to understand what she's doing. That is much better than stating "that was a stupid thing to do". Make sure that your words make her feel safe with you.

6. Acknowledge Biological Differences

Refrain from making her feel like something is wrong with her just because she's not interested in sex as frequently as you are. In general, men have approximately three times more testosterone pumping through their bodies than women, so your wife's lack of interest in frequent sex has more to do with biology than with her feelings toward you. You may just have to work harder at getting her in the mood.

The Microwave vs. Slow Cooker Analogy

Remember that men are like microwaves and women are like slow cookers when it comes to sex. Men can get turned on in a second by a thought or a sight. It takes women longer to warm up but once they're warm, they're hot! Your patience, caring and gentle touch can go a long way!

So help your wife out, lighten her load. Do something special for her frequently. Watch your words, and make her feel safe. Spend time with her, listen to her, reflect back to her what you heard her saying. Kiss her, rub her shoulders and tell her how pretty she is. Sometimes, this will lead to something else and this will lead to...what you were hoping for.

When a woman feels loved and safe with the man she loves, she is usually very open to taking that love to the next step: making love.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.


Debbie Pinkston (author) from Pereira, Colombia and NW Arkansas on December 12, 2016:

The book is now out on Amazon: "Get her in the Mood" by D. Anne Pierce (my pen name).

Debbie Pinkston (author) from Pereira, Colombia and NW Arkansas on May 03, 2013:

Read More From Pairedlife

Thank you Emily! I plan to write a book on this topic, since this hub has had over 9000 readers. Seems like a hot topic, huh?

Emily Nemchick from Phoenix, AZ on May 02, 2013:

Beautifully written!

Debbie Pinkston (author) from Pereira, Colombia and NW Arkansas on March 26, 2013:

A book on this topic will soon be on Amazon!

John on November 11, 2012:

I have not read but my wife has read it. She says it is a wonderful read. Did you receive an email from me? I suppose you must have. Email any time for further discussions that feed your spirit. My wife and I love other Christians and are willing to share the Gospel, Jesus and Mary.

Hope to hear from you again, soon.

Debbie Pinkston (author) from Pereira, Colombia and NW Arkansas on November 11, 2012:

John, I have not read the book you mentioned but will be reading it soon, and we can then we can share our takes on it.

I find that so many Christians in our evangelical churches have forgotten what grace is about, or preach grace but live by works.

A great book I read recently is The Ragmuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning. Have you read it?

John on November 11, 2012:

I am new to Richard Rohr as well but my wife and I have been researching him all morning. Very good man from what I see. We are going to watch his teleconference in December. Seems he has a great book out called, "Radical Grace." Am checking into that as well.

There is so much we have yet to learn. Can't wait to read his book and 'experience' more of God's Grace. Thanks for sharing.

I have also been reading Redemptoris Mater and Mulieris Dignitatem by John Paul II. You may want to check these out as well.

Hope to hear from you later when you get the chance.

Debbie Pinkston (author) from Pereira, Colombia and NW Arkansas on November 10, 2012:

Tobe, have you read Richard Rohr's writings? I have just been "introduced" to his writing. Just wondering if you have read his books and what you think.

Debbie Pinkston (author) from Pereira, Colombia and NW Arkansas on November 05, 2012:

Tobe, thank you so much for once again stating things so clearly and respectfully. I stand to learn a lot from you. You exemplify humility and the wisdom that comes from aligning yourself with God's way of loving others, including your wife.

As you said, perhaps others have found a way of relating in marriage that works for them, and for that I am happy.

Thank you again for contributing so wisely to this discussion.

God bless you!

John on November 05, 2012:

Neohio Biker,

First off Sir, I salute you for having proudly served this fine country of ours!! My hat is off to you! I used to salute (and still do), our beautiful flag. I proudly served in 71 and 72, as a Director of Small Weapons, USMC. There was no other place I would have rather been at the time than in uniform as a US Marine.

I would like also to extend my thanks for your service as well as graduating from one of our fine Military Academies. Well done.

In terms of our discussion, I concede you are definitively entitled to your feelings, your opinion, and your beliefs. That is what we are about as a country, the right to choose. This is to our benefit.

You have a right to your beliefs and feelings as well as I; myself, I choose to see things a bit differently and can only hope you may recognize my entitlement as well. We may be different in this respect, but I truly would hope you may come to know we are all on the side of America.

You have been married for quite some time. I married only a few years when I lost my first love to a terrible divorce…all of which was my fault. I suffered a severe tragedy over this loss and suffered magnanimously. I have had many regrets because of this.

So once again Sir, I salute you for having stayed married for such a good portion of your life, again well done, sir.

I am remarried and can only say I will not make the same mistakes twice. Not with a woman that is. I, was only trying to help folks to come to realize a different and often times better way to love a woman. It has worked for me and your way has apparently worked for you.

No disrespect of any kind intended.

I will continue in my endeavors to love in the manner I feel appropriate. I follow the teachings of Blessed John Paul II and some of his colleagues before he passed. To me sir, he was a very good man. He taught of such things. I am happy to have followed his Papacy for 30 years. I am at ease and comfortable with his vision and admire him for standing firmly to his vision of world peace.

But I also recognize your rights, as well as respect them. For any grief I have caused you, I sincerely apologize.

Debbie, you know where I stand. But I conclude my term on this subject and would like to close by stating perhaps it is time to let it go, as NeohioBiker says, and leave the rest to God. At this I would like to simply say, peace be with you both.

Debbie Pinkston (author) from Pereira, Colombia and NW Arkansas on November 05, 2012:

Hi Toby, welcome back! It's refreshing to know that some guys "get it!" and they are probably the ones having the most sex!

Neo, I agree with some of things that you have said, and now I would ask you this: Would you rather have sex with a wife who feels obligated but may not be enjoying it completely, or a wife who desires to be with you, loves to make love to you, and is always ready? How might a man go about helping his wife desire him and be excited to hop in bed with him?

neohiobiker on November 05, 2012:

Of course Deb you would have the image of caveman after my commment BUT you'll still be wrong. Women should not have to be asked repeatedly for sex BUT this is their weapon of choice in gaining the upper hand in a relationship. They feel like a piece of meat only because they allow themselves to listen to fem-nazis who only want to subjucate the male into a lesser role in the m-f relationship, feminize the male. All that you say a male should do to/for a women so she'll give him the sexual relations he needs should be reversed it is the male who should be looked up to and the female should not only be willing to share her body with the one she has committed herself to but should initiate it. Man was made in gods image and the female was created from part of the male. their can be only one leader in a family unit and it's the male. The male should not have to askbeg, the female should not be selfish and denie gods will. Some limp wristed males will add to their argument spelling and grammer as if that has any bearing into why women selfishly withhold their body to the man they love.This is one of the reasons men seek other women to be their mates women have forgotten how to love and commit themselves totally to a relationship but demand men cater to them.

John on October 29, 2012:

I finally made it back Debbie. I have been reading your comments and have discovered so much selfishness in some folks minds. Love is not a one way street! Sorry guys. But if you are going to love a woman, love her with heart and soul. Otherwise, you are just taking, and taking will not ever be completely satisfied!! Do you guys not know total abstinence is better than perfect moderation?? Of course not otherwise you would not be making selfish, demanding requirements from any good woman. Some of you can not even spell correctly much less love a woman selflessly. Go ahead, be selfish, see how long she stays with you. Pure divine spiritual ecstasy is what I hope for in a marriage with my wife, but one thing I do not do, is take. Good luck though....I find personal happiness at just simply spending time with the woman I adore, my lovely wife. Oh yes! I have been blessed. Hi Debbie!!!!

Debbie Pinkston (author) from Pereira, Colombia and NW Arkansas on October 29, 2012:

It has been so interesting hearing from men, with completely opposing views-some who understand where I'm coming from and they have learned how to have awesome sex with their wife, to others who still think in terms of "Put out when asked!". I'd love to hear other men's response to this Hub.

Debbie Pinkston (author) from Pereira, Colombia and NW Arkansas on October 18, 2012:

The image of a caveman just entered my mind for some reason..."Put out when asked" is exactly the reason why many men find their wife is distancing herself from them and less and less willing to be intimate. Smart men have figured this out.

I'm not saying that men have to do everything for their wife if they want sex. I'm a woman though and I left a man who couldn't figure out why he couldn't "get some" when he wanted but he could be unkind and unloving the rest of the time.

Usually we get what we put into things and sex is no different. Be loving, and be loved. Be selfish, and see how that works.

neohiobiker on October 18, 2012:

I understand brandon. women today have it to easy and American men are not demanding enough of their women. Women for the most part think way to highly of themselves like some cat you have to stroke the right way inorder for it to function. Women today have and show little respect for men and our sacrifice we give them daily. They want to be our equal but be treated as a women. give me a break just pull your own weight and put out when asked is this so hard to understand with out bitching

Debbie Pinkston (author) from Pereira, Colombia and NW Arkansas on September 10, 2012:

Thank you Tobe! I hope you had a blessed time.

John on September 10, 2012:

@ debbie; Thanks very much Debbie, just got back from our Honeymoon and we are delighted to be home. I will continue to follow you Debbie. Blessings.

Debbie Pinkston (author) from Pereira, Colombia and NW Arkansas on September 04, 2012:

Have a wonderful time! Blessings from above on you two.

John on September 04, 2012:

Great verse to begin with! The Truth has set me free. Thanks Be To God! My wife is studying Psychology and desires counseling from a faith based Christian perspective. I am very proud of her. She works hard and is devoted to her passions of writing and helping others face their fears, phobias, and especially past traumas.

It is great to see you have come from a missionary family. I like that. My first cousin was a missionary in Romania for about 12 years I think. Great man he is.

I hope you and your husband may continue to be our friend. I have been reading your work and we do have similar work. I am about to leave for my wife and mine 2nd Honeymoon in about an hour. Beautiful and Sacred time with my lovely wife.

Have a wonderful day!

Debbie Pinkston (author) from Pereira, Colombia and NW Arkansas on September 04, 2012:

That verse is the basis of my counseling with clients.

John on September 04, 2012:

Amen Sister, Amen!!

Debbie Pinkston (author) from Pereira, Colombia and NW Arkansas on September 04, 2012:

"You shall know the Truth and the truth will set you free"!

John on September 04, 2012:

@ Debbie; it was my heartfelt pleasure to defend the honor of true femininity and the respect and dignity of a woman's true freedom. I absolutely am most passionate for the Theology of the Body and how this quite clearly affects the entire world. "Macho man" has got to change. This is all truth and I love the truth. Not only have I been privileged to experience what I speak of but there are so many lovely books referencing the same subject matter. For men, I must say a great book to start with if you are "confused," would be "The Total Man." A great read from a Christian perspective. Best wishes and hopes for you Debbie!!

Debbie Pinkston (author) from Pereira, Colombia and NW Arkansas on September 04, 2012:

Tobe, thank you. You said it much better than I could have. For some, "love" and sex will always be about getting, entitlement, and duties. How sad.

John on September 04, 2012:

@ Jack; that is what is called taking her for granted and appropriation. Not good if you truly desire for her to be happy. Love is not taking or demanding, it is in the giving we truly receive. When you truly and honestly show your love for her I guarantee you she will reciprocate. And make you quite happy to be a man. I understand you feel the need but it clearly is not her "duty" to make her husband happy. When you truly give the gift of yourself she will respond freely and that my friend is what you truly desire.

I truly hope you may come to appreciate what I have said. Thank you for your time.

Debbie Pinkston (author) from Pereira, Colombia and NW Arkansas on September 03, 2012:

Toby, I am delighted also, because you really get it!

John on September 02, 2012:

Thank you for allowing me to share! It truly is a privilege to share that which I have learned. The only manner in which some one may learn is when they are struck down by their own ego and selfishness...this ultimately will happen in a man's lifetime; unfortunately, many men will lose what they love simply because we are not taught, nor do we receive in our hearts, the intimate meaning of a communion of persons as well as a direct intimate participation of Christ sharing within that conjugal spirit of love.

Best wishes to you and I am delighted I could share!!

Debbie Pinkston (author) from Pereira, Colombia and NW Arkansas on September 02, 2012:

Tobe, how wonderful that you learned what selfless love is all about and that the best sex is about giving, not taking! I think many men never get to that level of maturity and I'm glad you have! I look forward to reading your Hubs.

Thanks for reading and for making such a pertinent, on target comment, and for sharing your experience. I can see that you really "get" what this Hub is about!

John on September 02, 2012:

Such a wonderful topic Debbie!!! My first marriage ended simply because I was demanding, selfish, and egotistical; but, loving still at a level of great depth...essentially I learned after such a tragic loss. Sometimes that is what it may take.

As Augustine once stated,"We may find one man made savage by love and another man made gentle by iniquity." I feel in my heart now; especially since our last moments of actually sharing in I initiated the genuine and honest gift of self, seeking out her truest essence of femininity as gift, in a reciprocal gesture of selfless love, I discovered something far greater than a mere conjugal purpose, something far greater than myself...I was blessed in testifying to what truly converted to a purely divine spiritual ecstasy that was to keep me in a holy daze of love for some time. This was an honest gesture for selfless love. Her happiness (and honor), inevitably became much more important to me as I empties myself of all selfish ambition.

Sadly, I still lost her! But, I learned love in its truest essence!

Thank you for allowing me to share what was in my heart!

Debbie Pinkston (author) from Pereira, Colombia and NW Arkansas on August 07, 2012:

Rob, it sounds like you are in a tough situation. The frustration that you feel is very real and your wife needs to know how you feel and how important it is to you to have variety in your life. Sadly many spouses don't "get it" until it's too late and their partner has given up. I hope that your wife will truly listen to you as you share your heart. I suggest you tell her what you feel and what you need from her. Ask her to repeat back to you what she hears to make sure that she really hears you and understands you. Then she can tell you what she feels and needs from you and you can repeat it to her. Hopefully each of you will be able to supply what the other one needs, at least to some extent. I'm sure that at this point you would appreciate even the smallest effort on her part.

Rob on August 07, 2012:

Ive read a lot lately about marriage and relationships lately. My wife does a lot of nice little things,(doesn't work outside the house) but doesn't seem to get it that making the same thing for dinner or having the same sex all the time is rather disappointing and it gets me downright resentful that she wont try harder. Ive told her how and tried to show her where to get info on everything but she wont bother to even read an article on sex or cooking or anything else. When I ask her why or why not she says " I don't think about it" It shows me that its not important to her and by extension neither am I. Ive about had it with trying to get her to better herself and get her interested in something else to broaden her horizens. Being nice or loving is very hard because of the resentment and anger. i don't show it openly but I am sure it reflects in my actions. Damn hard to let it slide off after so many attempts.

Debbie Pinkston (author) from Pereira, Colombia and NW Arkansas on August 03, 2012:

Brandon, I'm not sure I understand your comment. The intent of this Hub is to help husbands understand how women work. It is not meant to tell husbands they have to do everything for their wife if they want sex. It does help though when we want something, to give something.

Most women I have counseled love their husbands but they start to feel like sex is another chore, and they feel like a "piece of meat". Many women are overworked (work full time jobs and come home to take care of kids, cook, clean, etc.), have no energy and thus little desire for intimacy. When a husband loves his wife and wants to enjoy intimacy with her, he will help her a little so she will have energy for sex. He will make her feel loved and appreciated which will cause her to not feel just like a "body destined to meet his needs". Women who love their husbands want to meet their sexual needs, but they also need to feel loved and appreciated for who they are, not just for having a body part that is in high demand.

I would venture to say that many young men do not understand much about how women think and feel, nor how to go about approaching their wife about sex. I'm not talking about the single crowd and one night stands. I'm talking about sex within a loving, stable relationship. Many older men have learned how to love a woman. With age comes wisdom! Sex can be awesome, mind blowing, and incredible when both partners feel loved and safe with each other.

Brandon on August 03, 2012:

Right... what a promotion to give women a stressless live and be lazy. You want emancipation.. well you take the backside of it too.

Aunt Mollie on June 23, 2012:

Wonderful advice! Your readers might also like to read my article on "Sexless Marriage."

Debbie Pinkston (author) from Pereira, Colombia and NW Arkansas on April 01, 2012:

A previous comment in Spanish was deleted because it was not related to the topic. If I write a future Hub on "Women's Independence" that comment will be welcome, in English, as this is an English site.

Debbie Pinkston (author) from Pereira, Colombia and NW Arkansas on March 30, 2012:

Thanks Debbi! I'm learning!

Debbi on March 29, 2012:

You are an excellent writer, Debbie! Glad I discovered your blog.

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