My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.
Guys, when a woman pulls away sexually—when she is less and less interested in being intimate or having sex with you—this means she is feeling emotionally disconnected from you. Although this may be obvious, many men may not recognize this fundamental phenomenon.
Signs Her Sexual Desire Is Fading
- When you reach for her hand she pulls away or keeps her hands unavailable—holding purse, arms crossed, etc.
- She doesn't kiss you as often
- She won't initiate sex
- She hesitates when you try and kiss her—giving you her cheek or just peck kissing you
- She doesn't reach out to hold your hand
- Her hugs are not as warm or inviting
- She avoids snuggling with you
- She avoids sex—making excuses: headache, tired, feeling ill, etc.
- Her life becomes busier—less time to see you
- When you touch her she flinches
- Her excitement when you ask to see her has clearly faded
- There is a longer response lag time when you call or text
- Sexy calls and flirty text messages from her start to lessen
What is frustrating for most women is when we are feeling emotionally disconnected—causing our sexual desire for a man to fade—he will think (for some ridiculous reason) that the best way to solve this "issue" is to be overly affectionate and immediately initiate sex. Really?! Big rookie mistake. Also, showering us with gifts to "buy" our affection might be nice (I guess), however that only masks the real issue(s).
A Woman's Sexual Desire Is Connected to Her Emotions
This means that you need to connect with her on an emotional level if you want to keep her sexually interested in you.
Take the time to call her and don't wait days to reconnect. Listen to what is upsetting her. Be present so that she feels heard instead of pacified. Work hard to make her feel special and valued. Telling her you think about her all the time and miss her, but then never take the time to see her or plan dates will cause her emotional walls to go up. Game playing is a turn-off. Words without actions are meaningless. Women want to feel emotionally and physically desired.
You Need to Work in Order to Stay Connected
Here's the thing, men. When you listen (and hear us), spend quality time with us, woo and romance us hard in the beginning and then slack off, the excitement and sexual desire for you will also decrease. Not hearing your voice or seeing you in person (or over FaceTime) for days or possibly weeks will fade out any chemistry we were once feeling towards you. Lack of effort is the best way to turn-off a running faucet. Our pheromones are connected to our emotions, not or cha-cha. When our emotions shut down, so does our sexual desire for you.
I dated a guy whom I was extremely sexually attracted to. When we first started spending time together he not only listened when I spoke, he also wanted to get to know me. He would leave his phone in his car or turn it off when we were together—giving me his full attention. He would ask things about me, my friends and family as well as other things to get to know me better. This man made me feel important, which was a huge emotional turn-on.
He Knew How to Ignite My Sexual Desire
He not only made me feel special by listening, he also made me feel special by how he treated me. He planned nice, thought-out dates, would pick me up when we went out, he opened the car door—and any door we approached. He would send me sweet morning text messages and shower me with wine and flowers when he would come to my place. He would carry my bags and always hold my hand. And, he would go out of his way to fix or repair broken things around my home. Did I hit the jackpot or what? My sexual desire for this guy was off the charts and to be honest, so was our sex.
Things Started to Shift
Not only did I think I was the luckiest woman to have found such an amazing man, I was happier than a bumble bee buzzing around a bed of flowers...until things started to shift.
I don't know if this guy got too confident, too lazy, or too comfortable and complacent, but his effort started to cease. I felt as if our relationship was becoming one-sided. I was still going out of my way to make him feel special, but I was not feeling the same back from him.
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I would talk about stuff and he would not remember—or even try to remember. He rarely opened the car door or any door first. He did not think about planning dates on his own unless I mentioned we had not been out for a while—and when we would finally go out, he would have nothing pre-planned—except the time he was picking me up. He rarely brought me flowers or wine. And to make things even less sexy and fun—most of the time that I would see him it would be at my house or his where he would end up falling asleep right after we ate or in the middle of watching a movie. Great. What woman doesn't want to have sex with a guy like this?
To make matters worse, instead of working on building our relationship by connecting with me emotionally and listening and hearing my concerns, he would act as if what I was saying went through one ear and out the other. Well, until he felt me emotionally pull away—aka; my sexual desire for him dramatically faded. Interesting, when he could feel me pulling away (sexually), that was the only time he would put his best foot forward again by trying to romance me (and be somewhat present), shortly followed by him trying to have sex with me. Seriously?!
He Didn't Understand How Female Desire Works
What he failed to realize is once the desire to be with him sexually had faded, so was my desire to be with him on all emotional levels.
I didn't want a guy who only made an effort when he felt he was in the "dog house." His gestures started to become meaningless. What I wanted, was a guy who did not take me for granted, was consistent in his actions and would continue to do everything in his power (and beyond) to keep me versus finding and making excuses why he couldn't.
Words of Advice
Men, if you actually care about a woman and don't want her sexual desire for you to fade, then do not drop the ball regarding her feelings.
Let's be clear; regardless if you are friends, dating, in an exclusive relationship or married, if you are having sex and decide to pull away emotionally or stop emotionally connecting with her, she will be less interested in you. When the ball (emotional connection) is dropped the trust is broken and her walls will go up.
Women never want to feel (or think) that a guy is only with them just for companionship or sex (even if we discussed a friend with benefits situation), we still need to experience a connection with you. Making a woman feel important and special; not only through your words but more importantly your actions, will keep her sexual pheromones (for you) ignited.
The Importance of Communication
Communication and honesty are important. Be clear about what you want. Never assume.
Realize that inconsistency, game playing, disappearing in and out of our life, purposely not calling for days, overly waiting to respond back to a text you just sent us, and not pre-scheduling time to see us is the best way to extinguish any sexual désire for you. And, if intimacy becomes all about your needs and not about our needs (you are a selfish lover or become one)—the urge we had for you will eventually dry up, lock up and the desire key will be thrown away.
Bottom line: Work hard to be the guy that you were in the beginning that made us want to rip your clothes off. Chemistry isn't something you only have in the beginning, it needs to be a work in progress and continue throughout any relationship. You will worry less about fading sexual desire if you can stay connected emotionally with her.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.