Getting into the "Swing" of things - a noobies guide to swinging

Updated on September 15, 2010

 While swinging, otherwise knows as "the lifestyle" or wife swapping, has become more socially acceptable these days, a lot of coupeles (or singles) have yet to try it out, due to fears of jealously, instability, or just plain overwhelmed.

The reality, is swinging is the easy part. It's dealiing with the issues that can arrise afterwards that can get tricky. Knowing how to deal with these ahead of time, can make it a lot easier and possibly be the difference between making or breaking your relationship. Swinging can ruin a relationship or help it. A lot. There IS advantages to it, just most conservative, church going types want you to think it's all bad news. Talk to any swinger couple that has been in the lifestyle for some time and you will instantly see how happy they are. Always holding hands and touching. Now look back at those conservative couples, barely noticing eachothers existence. Makes ya think doesn't it.

The number one rule, for any couple in a swinging relationship, you MUST, MUST, MUST be able to communicate. I don't mean know your native languages. You need to know how to communicate effectively between the both of you. Feelings, thoughts, and fears must be able to be openly expressed, before and after. Planning is the key because once it has happened, there is no going back.

Couples should express their fears, ideas, thoughts, etc well before taking that first step. Sometimes swinging just happens and you are better off being prepared than trying to talk about it at the spur of the moment. You need to be clear of your intentions. Are you just looking for a new experience together? Are you both okay with the experience? Things like the limits that you are both comfortable with are very important and should be stuck to and respected. If you are a couple and involving a single female, would you be comfortable with a single male as well? Are you willing to "play" separate from each other? (Also known as full swap). Try to imagine every possible scenario and be prepared for it.

One thing a lot of couples don't talk about before hand, is the future. What happens if one of you likes it and one doesn't? This is also another cause for problems after the fact.

Okay, so you have both decided that you feel your relationship is secure enough to try it. Most couples, especially at the beginning have fears of being "discovered" by coworkers, family, or friends. They tend to stay more discreet. This can make it hard for a new couple to find other people. Sites like Craigslist aren't a good place to meet people. Not only is it unsafe, your email inbox will be full of spam. I would also stay away from swingers dating sites as they are mostly fake profiles with paid "actors". I suggest trying a swingers social network like which has real people, like you, and will allow you openly connect with other couples for a minimal fee (usually a few dollars). You can also find out about events in your area and attend a "party" or "club" where you can meet other couples as well. Still afraid of running into someone you know? Look at it this way. If you are there and they are there, they will most likely understand you are both in the same situation and they would likely respect your discreetness the same as you would, theirs. If you are timid about going to a party, find an "off premise" party, which means sexual exploits are not allowed and must be taken somewhere else. The atmoshphere will be somewhat similar to a nightclub, just with a whole lot more sexual tnesion in the air.

Now I am not going to get into what happens "after" the party or after the date for drinks. This is something you need to learn on your own. I don't want to ruin it for you. You WILL have butterflis in your stomach, which I personally think is the greatest feeling ever. The build up to an event is almost as intense as the orgasms you can get from it. You should speek with the other couple (or single) before hand to see what their limits and boundaries are as well as express yours. Try to keep it simple and to the point as it's not always the most exciting thing to talk about. Nobody likes a mood recker. This should be an issue anyway because you planned ahead of time, right? I recommend to start small. Maybe just some kissing and touching. 1st and second base stuff. This, if known ahead of time and respected, will help ease you into it. (Think cold water in a pool). It also leaves you something new for next time! When you get bored with 2nd base, move onto 3rd!

Now I personally make it a rule, that my partner and I always have sex afterwards, by ourselves. It may seem silly, but it is kind of a, closing ceremony, if you will. The next day, we talk about it. The first couple times it was a more in depth conversation. Now it is more just a common place, you okay? Yup. You? I'm good. It is still fun sometimes though to talk about a special moment that you know that you BOTH liked. It's not the best idea to talk about the other person a lot, or at all, if your partner is self concious. Ex: don't tell you husband about how "big" the other guy was. My partner and I always coat the truth a little. It's not that we are jealous to the point it would bother us, but wouldn't you rather hear how you are better than how much they enjoyed the other person? Do I know if my partner is lying? Just forget it. It doesn't matter. You loved each other yesterday, you can still love each other today.

The experience should be something you do TOGETHER, even if you are apart. Learn tricks to show each other. Over time your rules will loosen up. You will get more comfortable with things as you realize you are both okay with it and encourage each other that. Think more about your partner than yourself. Forget the thoughts like he liked her better, or I can't please my partner like that. Think instead, how much they liked your partner cause your partner is good looking, or constructive "I need to learn to please my partner like that". Those things will help you, make you feel better about yourself, and more confident next time. Realize that in the moment, it is a pretty intense and erotic setting. Your partner may be a lot more excited than you have ever seen them before. Don't take this as anything against yourself. It is more than likely the experience that is adding a lot to it. Be glad you got to see your partner in that level of intensity, then try to recreate it yourself!

Eventually you will start to notice the effects in your personal life. You will have sex more. You will have more creative and better sex. You will start to be more trusting. I do want to warn you though. swinging can be additive. Like a drug, you will eventually want more. The good thing is, if used correctly you can take as much as you want and never overdose!

Hopefully this helps at least a few couples out there to take the chance and see how fun and rewarding it can be, for you, your partner, and you relationship! Good luck with your adventures and I hope the best for you!

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.


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    • profile image

      Shirley Hayes 

      11 months ago

      Ok my hubby. And i meet a couple seemed very nice friendly ect..we got together had fun,well a couple months later we seen the man on the news for messing with little kids him and about 6 other now i feel dirty and freaked out about it hubby dont really care hes all in it big time and im trying but that keeps popping in my head

    • profile image


      22 months ago

      Want to ask a couple some questions about the whole thing

    • profile image

      Rita Gorzock 

      5 years ago

      How do we find other couples interested

    • profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago

      Thank you! And very good point. These are basics in any relationship.

    • Jaggedfrost profile image


      9 years ago

      This is a glowing review for a practice that may help people who are socially married. It is interesting to note that all of the preparations one must make before swinging will save a normal marriage and allow the same closeness and touching.


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