The author is a swinger and, although he and his wife came into it unexpectedly, swinging saved their marriage.
How to Ease Into Swinging
While swinging, otherwise known as "the lifestyle" or wife swapping, has become more socially acceptable these days, a lot of couples (or singles) have yet to try it out, due to fears of jealously, instability, or just plain overwhelmed.
The reality is that swinging is the easy part. It's dealing with the issues that can arise afterward that can get tricky. Knowing how to deal with these ahead of time can make it a lot easier and possibly be the difference between making or breaking your relationship.
Swinging can ruin a relationship or help it. A lot. There are advantages to it, just most conservative, church-going types want you to think it's all bad news. Talk to any swinger couple that has been in the lifestyle for some time, and you will instantly see how happy they are. Always holding hands and touching. Now look back at those conservative couples, barely noticing each other's existence. Makes ya think, doesn't it?
Communication Is Key
The number one rule for any couple in a swinging relationship is that you MUST, MUST, MUST be able to communicate. I don't mean know your native languages. You need to know how to communicate effectively between the both of you. Feelings, thoughts, and fears must be able to be openly expressed, before and after. Planning is the key because once it has happened, there is no going back.
Couples should express their fears, ideas, thoughts, etc. well before taking that first step. Sometimes swinging just happens and you are better off being prepared than trying to talk about it at the spur of the moment. You need to be clear of your intentions. Are you just looking for a new experience together? Are you both okay with the experience? Things like the limits that you are both comfortable with are very important and should be stuck to and respected. If you are a couple and involving a single female, would you be comfortable with a single male as well? Are you willing to "play" separate from each other? (Also known as full swap). Try to imagine every possible scenario and be prepared for it.
One thing a lot of couples don't talk about beforehand is the future. What happens if one of you likes it and one doesn't? This is also another cause for problems after the fact.
How to Find Other Swingers
Okay, so you have both decided that you feel your relationship is secure enough to try it. Most couples, especially at the beginning have fears of being "discovered" by coworkers, family, or friends. They tend to stay more discreet. This can make it hard for a new couple to find other people.
Sites like Craigslist aren't a good place to meet people. Not only is it unsafe, but your email inbox will also be full of spam. I would also stay away from swingers dating sites as they are mostly fake profiles with paid "actors". I suggest trying a swingers social network like OpenVows, which has real people, like you, and will allow you openly connect with other couples for a minimal fee.
You can also find out about events in your area and attend a "party" or "club" where you can meet other couples as well. Still afraid of running into someone you know? Look at it this way. If you are there and they are there, they will most likely understand you are both in the same situation and they would likely respect your discreetness the same as you would, theirs. If you are timid about going to a party, find an "off-premise" party, which means sexual exploits are not allowed and must be taken somewhere else. The atmosphere will be somewhat similar to a nightclub, just with a whole lot more sexual tension in the air.
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What to Expect During the Party
Now, I am not going to get into what happens "after" the party or after the date for drinks. This is something you need to learn on your own. I don't want to ruin it for you. You WILL have butterflies in your stomach, which I personally think is the greatest feeling ever. The build-up to an event is almost as intense as the orgasms you can get from it. You should speak with the other couple (or single) beforehand to see what their limits and boundaries are as well as express yours.
Try to keep it simple and to the point as it's not always the most exciting thing to talk about. Nobody likes a mood wrecker. This should be an issue anyway because you planned ahead of time, right? I recommend starting small. Maybe just some kissing and touching. 1st and second base stuff. This, if known ahead of time and respected, will help ease you into it. (Think cold water in a pool). It also leaves you something new for next time! When you get bored with 2nd base, move onto 3rd!
How to Engage With Your Partner Afterward
Now, I personally make it a rule, that my partner and I always have sex afterward, by ourselves. It may seem silly, but it is kind of a closing ceremony if you will. The next day, we talk about it. The first couple of times it was a more in-depth conversation. Now it is more just a commonplace—"You okay?" "Yup. You?" "I'm good."
It is still fun sometimes though to talk about a special moment that you know that you BOTH liked. It's not the best idea to talk about the other person a lot, or at all if your partner is self-conscious. Ex: Don't tell your husband about how "big" the other guy was.
My partner and I always coat the truth a little. It's not that we are jealous to the point it would bother us, but wouldn't you rather hear how you are better than how much they enjoyed the other person? Do I know if my partner is lying? Just forget it. It doesn't matter. You loved each other yesterday, you can still love each other today.
The experience should be something you do TOGETHER, even if you are apart. Learn tricks to show each other. Over time your rules will loosen up. You will get more comfortable with things as you realize you are both okay with it and encourage each other that. Think more about your partner than yourself.
Forget the thoughts like he liked her better, or I can't please my partner like that. Think instead, how much they liked your partner cause your partner is good-looking, or constructive "I need to learn to please my partner like that." Those things will help you, make you feel better about yourself, and more confident next time.
Realize that in the moment, it is a pretty intense and erotic setting. Your partner may be a lot more excited than you have ever seen them before. Don't take this as anything against yourself. It is more than likely the experience that is adding a lot to it. Be glad you got to see your partner in that level of intensity, then try to recreate it yourself!
Swinging Can Be Truly Wonderful
Eventually, you will start to notice the effects in your personal life. You will have sex more. You will have more creative and better sex. You will start to be more trusting. I do want to warn you, though. Swinging can be additive. Like a drug, you will eventually want more. The good thing is, if used correctly you can take as much as you want and never overdose!
Hopefully, this helps at least a few couples out there to take the chance and see how fun and rewarding it can be, for you, your partner, and your relationship! Good luck with your adventures, and I hope the best for you!
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.