Deborah is a writer, healer, and teacher. Her goal is to help people live their best lives every day by sharing her joy and love of life.
Great Sex is Possible in Your Relationship
You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling
Remember back in the days, when you and your wife couldn't keep your hands off each other? Remember when she couldn't wait to see you, couldn't wait to get dressed up for you, and couldn't wait to tear her clothes off for you?
Something happened, between then and now, and things are different. Now, you suggest a five-minute frolic in the sack, before heading out the door, and she rolls her eyes, asks you to take out the trash, and leaves for work without even a good-bye kiss.
Now, instead of going out on Friday night, having a fun date, followed by a hot night between the sheets, you Netflix and forget it. Half the time, you watch a movie and she works on her quilt.
Where did the love go? And how can you get it back?
This article offers seven easy steps to regain lost ground and get back that loving feeling.
1. Learn to Speak Her Language: If you want more sex, you need to learn to communicate with your woman. Everyone knows that women talk. It's how they connect. For men, this may not always feel comfortable or pleasant, but if you want sex, then you need to talk.
You don't have to do all the talking, just give her space to speak. When a woman spends all day at work, or at home taking care of children, or at school, or wherever she is, she is not always communicating. She is working. She is mothering. She is learning. When she gets home, she wants to connect with you. The way she connects is through speaking.
Don't freak out. You don't have to sacrifice an hour of you life. But listen to her. She listened to you tell her about your day. Now, ask her how her day went. Look at her. Give her your full attention for a few minutes. Ask a question about how she's doing.
Learning to communicate with your wife will not only create more closeness and intimacy, but it will likely improve your relationship overall.
2. Rebuild Trust Between You: If you want more sex, then your wife needs to trust you.
This is not to say that you are untrustworthy. It is an opportunity for you to open up and be vulnerable, honest and open with your partner. When you are genuine, then she feels connected. When she feels connected, then you get more sex.
Trust builds when you open yourself, when you show up with integrity and authenticity. It is through living your truth, speaking your truth, and honoring yourself that you build trust with your partner.
Your relationship is the one place you can feel safe enough to be who you are. Trust your wife enough to let her see you as you are, without pretense or fabrication. As she trusts you more, then intimacy builds, and your sex life improves.
Building Intimacy Improves Relations
|Communication and Trust||Having Fun||Feeling Good|
Listen, make eye contact, ask questions
Go outside and take a walk, take a hike, or go for a drive in the woods
Tell her she is beautiful
Speak your truth with kindness and love
Take her on a surprise date
Buy her something sexy
Allow her space to be herself, and you be yourself
Find something to laugh about together
Take care of your health
Show Up When You Are Together
3. Show Up For Her: When you spend time with your partner, be present. Nothing is more irritating than trying to talk to someone who won't look up from their phone. In marriage, in dating, at work, and in life in general, it is just plain rude to be glued to your phone. Yes, you are very important. Yes, you have lots of emails to check and texts to answer and scores to keep up with.
If your boss walked into your office to speak with you, you'd likely look up, stop what you were doing and give him your full attention. Your wife deserves the same respect. In fact, she deserves more respect than your boss.
Show your wife that she matters by looking at her. Engage with her. Work can wait. That very important email that you must answer immediately? It can wait. If you want to have more sex, then you need to be more present.
There is a direct correlation between how present you are in the moment, and how often you get laid. The more present, the more sex. Your partner wants to feel special and important. She isn't going to enjoy having sex if you ignore her all day, then expect her to get busy between the sheets.
If you want her, then show her some attention. Let work go for the evening, or for the weekend. Let her feel important to you again. As she feels closer, intimacy increases and so does sex.
Think Crockpot, not Microwave
4. Go for the long, slow game, rather than immediate gratification: Men can be ready for sex at any time and any place. Women, on the other hand, need a build up. When you want to have more sex, then you need to think big picture.
Imagine making dinner. As a guy, you come home, throw something in the microwave, and eat in five minutes, while you sit in front of the TV. There is nothing wrong with microwave dinner once in a while. It's quick, easy and convenient.
For something more satisfying, you need to spend some time. Gathering ingredients, plugging in the Crockpot, consulting the recipe, and cooking it all day long. At the end of the day, a delicious, fragrant meal awaits, ready for you to enjoy. It takes some time and forethought, but is so satisfying when you finally sit down.
Sex with your wife is much the same. If you want a quickie, you can probably microwave in the shower before you get dressed for work. Doesn't take much thought or effort, relieves some pressure, and gets the blood flowing for the day. If, however, you want to enjoy sex with your wife, then you need to look at the big picture.
Begin in the morning by kissing her neck while she gets dressed. Don't grope her all over. Give her a tight squeeze while you nuzzle her neck. Don't ruin the moment by announcing that you have five minutes if she wants to "do it" before work. Instead, tell her she smells good. Or she looks good. Then leave the room. Make her want more of you.
Text her during the day. Sure, you're busy at work. But you have time to use the bathroom, don't you? You have time for lunch. During one of these quick breaks, send her a quick text telling her how she excites you, and you can't wait to see her tonight. Even if it isn't true, send it anyway. You want to make her think of you in a positive light. If you send a sext full of vulgar language, she'll probably roll her eyes and delete it. Even if you and your partner frequently sext with explicit language, you can get her juices flowing by stepping things back a notch and seducing her.
When you get home, kiss her, but don't go overboard. Let her talk. Look at her. Kiss her again. When it's time for bed, try giving her a back rub. Draw her a bath. Do things to relax her. Don't put her on guard. Move slowly.
When you think long term and big picture, and nurture the sensuous side of your wife, she will be more open and excited about sex.
Have Fun Again
5. Bring some fun back: Remember when you were younger and madly in love? You couldn't wait to go out with your girl and you had fun. You laughed together. You teased each other and played. You had fun.
What happened to the fun? Work, family, life all get in the way of fun, and soon everyone feels tired and unappreciated. Sex is the last thing your wife wants if she isn't having any fun with you.
Think about things you used to enjoy doing together. Think about what you like doing, and take your wife to go do it. Don't worry that she won't like it. She wants to spend time with you. If you're doing something you both enjoy, you'll both have fun.
To have fun, you have to break out of the rut of work, sleep, work. Stop the cycle. Do something different. Get out of the house and go have fun.
When your wife is laughing with you, she feels connected. When she feels connected, she'll be more inclined to want to have sex with you.
Make Her Feel Beautiful
6. Tell her she's beautiful: Every woman wants to feel beautiful and wanted. Once you've been in a relationship for a while, it can be hard to keep the fires of passion alive.
Buy her some sexy lingerie. The nightie pictured above is sexy, without being too revealing and making her feel self conscious about her body. If you don't know what size your wife wears, then you need to pay attention. Look at labels in her drawer. Ask her. Write it down and buy her something nice. Ask her to model it for you and tell her she looks stunning.
Tell her she looks beautiful before she heads out the door. Text her and tell her she's the most beautiful girl you've ever known.
When your partner feels attractive, she'll feel more like having sex.
Take Care of You
7. You do you: Take care of yourself. Not only physically, but also emotionally. You can't control anyone but yourself, and you can't fix anyone but yourself. You can try to be a better husband, you can try to be a better partner, but you can only do your part.
Show up in your relationship as the best version of yourself. Bring your A-game to your life. This attitude not only improves your sexual relationship, but also your life in general.
Take care of yourself physically. You'll feel good about yourself, you'll be happier, and you'll be more productive. In addition, if you take care of your physical body, she may be more receptive to having sex.
Take care of yourself emotionally. You'll be happier, you'll feel satisfied regardless of the sex in your relationship. Your emotional well being is important and it is in your hands.
Taking care of yourself means taking responsibility for your health. You can't blame other people for how you take care of yourself. When you feel healthy, then you can show up in your relationship.
When you take care of yourself, then you show your respect for yourself. Your partner will open and receptive as she sees you taking care of you.
Revive Your Dying Marriage
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on January 22, 2018:
Dream On, Thanks for taking the time to comment. And yes, the Ted Talks are pretty brilliant. Some day I hope to be there!
I agree. Open and honest communication is essential for a healthy marriage. I think people are sometimes afraid to trust each other. Fundamentally, I think they are afraid to let themselves be transparent - to be known by someone else completely. It's a scary idea, to know that someone knows all your deep, dark places, and yet chooses to love you anyway. That's why I think people aren't honest.
DREAM ON on January 18, 2018:
Every day I am so happy I am married. I see single people that have different values than what I follow. Some believe in the basics like honesty and trust.Honesty is so important that it carries through everything we do. I don't know why a husband or wife can't trust each other. I came back to read your hub again and I thoroughly enjoyed the Ted Talks speakers and their helpful tips combined with humor. Thank you so much.
Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on January 07, 2018:
@Dream on, Thank you for taking the time to read and leave such a well written and well thought out comment.
You hit on several great points, which we should all take to heart. Give the people you love your undivided attention.
I appreciate your comment. Thank you.
DREAM ON on January 07, 2018:
You rang all the right bells with this hub. I have been married for sixteen years. I am the youngest of my family and I can easily see how not doing all the things you mentioned above causes friction in every marriage. I can't speak for all guys but I know I have a different agenda or game plan. It is not that I don't want the same thing love, passion, commitment, respect, honesty. I feel it every day and my wife reinforces that pleasurable feeling I don't have to even think about it. I have learned to show it more than accept it and the rewards are staggering. Lets say we climb in the cold sheets all winter with just one purpose in mind to heat them up hotter than any electric blanket ever could. A great hub. It is amazing how little things that men miss become big things to the women they love. Talking on the phone on the way home from work. My wife wants to tell me something now. I think when you get home we can talk. Not that it was anything real important but my wife wanted me to stop doing what I was doing to listen to her. I would be in the middle of something and in the past think couldn't it wait. I will see you when you get home. Then when I am feeling frisky she throws the same hints back can't it wait till later. I think no. She has a good point. So I stop what I am doing and give her my immediate, undivided attention. I can find plenty of time later to do any number of things. Loving comes first and everything else wasn't as important as the person I married. I am committed to and continue to look forward in spending every day with. Sometimes I found this man thinks with the wrong head and needs to slow down and look at all sides of every issue. Being patient and going slow is better than the microwave in the shower any day. Both have their place and time. Thank you for your wonderful insight to love and life. Have a beautiful day.
Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on December 05, 2017:
Mystee, Thank you for writing and commenting. It definitely takes work to get married, and it's not always fun and games. The rewards are greater than the risks, in my opinion.
Mystee Crockett from Everywhere You Want To Be on December 03, 2017:
Great video. And this article is exactly why I'm never getting married. I don't want the fun and the magic to go away.
Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on December 03, 2017:
Kari, Thanks for reading! A few girlfriends were sitting around, wondering how we could give our men a clue, and I decided a blog would be the way!
Kari Poulsen from Ohio on December 03, 2017:
Great advice! I can think of a few men I've known who could really benefit from reading this, lol.