My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.
Having a great healthy sex life is different from just going through the motions....
Anyone can have sex, but are we going through the motions or are we keeping the connection alive? Do we genuinely desire and want our partner or are we only being intimate to appease and shut him up? Yikes!
Let's keep it real, sex—depending on the guy—isn't always going to be spectacular. Many couples will have moments when they aren't in the mood for sex—this is natural. However, if those moments happen on a regular basis (and not due to a health issue) then your sex life is plummeting. Not good.
Here's the thing, most of us can remember the great sex we used to have—when we craved the touch of our significant other. That "honeymoon" stage—at the time—felt so wonderful that we thought it would magically last forever—with zero disruptions. Unfortunately with time (and learning more about our partner), this is not always realistic, especially for women.
What kills the magic and desire for us is when we get to know our significant other better and realize we aren't as comparable as we thought with him. This new knowledge can fade the chemistry we originally felt fairly quickly, if the emotional support is not there. Many times, our sex life will reflect this. Ugh!
How do we keep our sex life healthy and sustainable?
Men, women's emotions are tied to her "cha-cha"—unless she is a nympho or has trained her body to disconnect from her emotions. Therefore, having a great healthy sustainable sex life means we need to like, care and love you while also feeling connected and fully supported—on all levels.
Although finding this type of connection is almost every woman's dream, unfortunately obtaining and sustaining this is hard because we chose men who are wrong for us. This is why there are so many women who are unhappy and sexually turned-off by their partner. Wonderful.
To have and maintain a healthy sex life we have to be open and honest with our partner. If he is not capable or willing to meet our emotional needs then he is not the right match for us. Ladies, being unhappy with our man is not something that most of us can hide—our bodies are truth tellers—so be honest with yourself as well as with him. If we can't tell a guy what we need how will he know?
Many women are afraid to be open and honest about what they want and need. They will stay silent in fear of him either not wanting them or possibly leaving them as soon as they speak up. This type of fear will cause many women to not be fully honest right away or sometimes not at all. Yikes! Since most women cannot hide their emotions, they will show their unhappiness by pulling away physically.
When a woman physically pulls away...
- She is not as affectionate
- She's too tired (all the time) to have sex
- When you try and kiss her she is unresponsive
- Her "headaches" become more frequent
- She claims she's not feeling well—a lot
- Sleep becomes more important than sex—regardless how early it is
- She's too busy to have sex
- Looks of endearment feel more like resentment
- She doesn't make much time for you
- Snuggle time you might have had lessens or stops
- Her text messages are not as loving or become short
- Sexting ceases
- She doesn't want to hold hands or touch you
By pulling away physically—although this does get the point across—for many men they will act clueless as to why. Really!? And, when he eventually gets sexually frustrated, your relationship ends up turning into a crappy game of tennis where no one wants to serve first. Great!
Wouldn't we want to risk being honest about what we want so that we can strengthen our relationship and sex life? If expressing how we feel scares a guy away then we have avoided wasting time and energy on the wrong man. Building a healthy sexual relationship requires being heard, validated, supported, respected and unconditionally loved. Without that, we become sexually disconnected and disinterested.
A woman's physical disconnect happens when she is emotionally disconnected...
Men will complain they aren't getting enough sex, however they will refuse to look at why sex is plummeting. A big part of why sex lacks sustainability is due to a man not giving the support that a woman needs.
How often do you hear that once we are in a long-term exclusive relationship or married that great sex will no longer exist and that sex in general will eventually stop? Well, this can be true if we are with a partner who doesn't give us the support we need, who is horrible at communicating, who internalizes his emotions, who stops making an effort or who breaks our trust. Basically, we no longer feel emotionally connected or safe.
Women are not as complicated as you make us to be...just keep it real.
Men, when you: shut down, don't hear us, make us a low priority, make excuses for not trying, you aren't fully there when we need you, you don't call or text as much, you put emotionally walls up and think it's OK, or you don't give us the emotional, mental, spiritual or physical support that we need—all of these things will turn us off sexually. Duh!
When you disconnect emotionally from us—and still try to be sexual with us—your actions are far from flattering, nor are they appreciated. Frankly, it's insulting. Do you really expect us to happily spread our legs when we are feeling emotionally detached from you?
Again, most women's emotions are connected to their cha-cha. It's shocking how many men don't realize this and then will act surprised when we become disinterested sexually.
Here's the thing, many women might still stay in a relationship that they aren't happy in because they fear being alone. They might even stay because they don't want to break a family unit. However, by staying in a toxic relationship, sex will cease dramatically or die out—causing an unhealthy sex life to occur and unhappiness to escalate. Is this what you really want?
Signs that your sex life is unhealthy:
- You close your eyes and have to think about someone else
- You wait for the moment to be over
- The thought of sex with him dries out your cha-cha
- You never initiate sex
- You're disinterested in oral with him
- His touch becomes annoying/irritating and unwelcome
- Every time you have sex you have to get yourself aroused (lots and lots of lube)
- You kiss less or not at all
- You have to be intoxicated or high before having sex
- You will fake orgasms to get "it" over
- His touch does nothing for you
My ex-boyfriend and I had a very strong sexual relationship—one that I honestly envisioned lasting.
I thought I knew my ex until I had a tragedy and he was not there for me. He was incapable (because he didn't want to be) of being there emotionally for me and putting me first. He made me feel unimportant, unappreciated and not sincerely loved—regardless of how often he would tell me. His self-center behavior and selfishness was a complete sexual turn-off.
What he failed to realize (or just too dumb to get), pulling away sexually had nothing to do with the tragedy, it was because I did not feel supported by him. When I expressed how I was feeling (in case he was unaware), instead of working on making me feel better, he decided to emotionally shut-down and pull away, but would still try and kiss me and grab my ass when we would see each other. Really?! Did he honestly think that sex was something I would still be interested in? Please.
Don't get me wrong, sex is important in a relationship. Sex can alleviate stress, it gives you a natural glow, it can keep us youthful and in better shape. Sex can also connected us on a deeper, emotional, sensual and intimate level—with the right partner. What sex alone does not magically do is diminish issues that occur or replace a severed emotional disconnection once it's happened.
Ladies, connecting with a man on a personal, meaningful, unique, intimate and trusting level will skyrocket good sex to undeniably incredibly sex. Also, having open, honest communication and support, will create the essential tools for a lasting and healthy foundation on all levels.
Bottom line, sex does not need to occur daily nor is it the most important aspect in a relationship. However, with the right partner, maintaining a healthy sex life (that's sustainable) can happen— bringing excitement, joy and a stronger intimate bond...as well as another avenue in keeping us feeling healthy and young.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
dashingscorpio from Chicago on May 24, 2017:
As usual you have written a very thought provoking article!
I suppose there are just certain things which fall under the category of “gender differences” when it comes to men and women. When we’re younger we either refuse to acknowledge, or accept that such differences exist. Sexual desire is one of those things. However, once we gain the wisdom of knowing such differences do exist we can go from “frustration mode” to “communication mode” to resolve our issues.
Since men don’t use sex as a “reward/punishment tool” for eliciting behavioral traits from their mates many of them fail to grasp what is “happening” when a woman withdraws sexually from them. Essentially men are not going to (automatically assume there is something wrong with them). :)
For most men and (some women) sex is a (natural urge) that arises out of lack much like a lack of food causes one to experience hunger, a lack of water causes one to feel thirsty, a lack of sleep causes one to feel sleepy, and finally a lack of sex causes many of us to feel horny.
It’s not about our emotional state.
Another example of “gender differences” can be observed in the mornings; most young healthy men wake up with erections it’s not a “choice”! If a woman decides to push her backside up against her man in order to “spoon” and he becomes aroused she should not get upset with him. After all his most physically sensitive area (is not tucked away inside his body).
He’s just naturally reacting to her touch.
Men are natural born “pleasure seekers” who rarely (deny themselves) an opportunity to experience pleasure if the opportunity presents itself. Very few men for instance will go on a starvation diet because they’re feeling depressed about something. If anything they may choose to over indulge.
When most men have no desire to have sex with their mate they will usually end the relationship. On the other hand if they’re married and there would be a financial hardship if they walked away they may opt to cheat in order to satisfy their sexual desire especially if all other areas are fine in the relationship. Some men will turn to pornography, strip clubs, and masturbation while fantasizing about being desired.
These “gender differences” go unnoticed initially during the (infatuation phase) of a new relationship because both people usually bend over backwards to impress or please one another. After the relationship has been solidified couples often stop making their mate’s happiness their “top priority” and instead begin to observe what they are getting or not getting from the relationship.
Ultimately the solution is not withdrawal whether it be physically or emotionally if one desires to stay in the relationship. Communication is much better than suffering in silence and feeling resentful.
There are two basic reasons why someone would not give you what you’ve ask for in a relationship.
1. They don’t have it to give. (In other words it’s not who they are.)
2. They don’t believe (you) are worth the effort to give it to.
Depending on whether or not what you want is a “deal breaker” it might mean ending the relationship.
One man's opinion! :)