Deborah is a writer, healer, and teacher. Her goal is to help people live their best lives every day by sharing her joy and love of life.
How Do You Know if You're Good in Bed?
Everybody thinks they are good in bed. Whether they've had one partner or many, most people think they know how to satisfy and please their mate. What is the truth?
It's hard to tell whether or not you are good in bed. People don't usually complain, even when sex is less than stellar. Sure, people tell you that you're great, but then they never call again.
Some people claim there is no such thing as a bad massage or bad sex. They say that any massage or any sex is better than none at all. I beg to differ. Having experienced both bad massages and bad sex, I can honestly say that sometimes nothing is better than a terrible experience.
How can you tell if you actually are good in bed or if you are simply deluding yourself? The following seven steps will help you improve your technique and mastery between the sheets, which will help improve your relationship.
1. Try Some Sexy Texting for Adults
You don't want to send nudes and explicit text messages during the warming up stage, but you want your partner to know you are thinking about them. Start slowly. It may seem too tame, but you don't want to be crass, gross or inappropriate.
Warning: Practice extreme care with NSFW texts (not safe for work.) You never know if texts show up on a person's lock screen. Don't send something you would be ashamed for their boss (or your boss) to see. Sending nudes and explicit messages during work hours could be dangerous territory. Use extreme caution when sending messages during work hours.
These types of messages are exciting and will fire up your partner's imagination, without going over the lines of good taste.
- Baby, I've been dreaming of you all night. I can't wait to see you tonight.
- I woke up with you on my mind.
- Wish we were sleeping in together.
- I'd like to sneak away with you during lunch.
- Can I have you for lunch?
- If I get off early, can we still get together later?
2. Start Early
Seduction begins early in the day. It is a process. Think marathon, not sprint. If you want to be a great lover, then you must invest time in your partner. Whether you are married, dating or looking to score with a hottie, you need to get them thinking about you.
Text them a sexy note in the morning. Leave a suggestive voice mail. Send an email telling them that you can't wait until tonight.
With technology, you can drop sultry hints throughout the day, warming both of you up, until you are ready to boil.
Let your partner know that you are thinking of them, even though you are swamped at work. And make it clear that you can't wait until you get together again.
Read More From Pairedlife
There is a difference between letting someone know they are on your mind, and stalking them. You could text a "good morning sexy" text. But keep it short and simple. It's not necessary to send five texts before breakfast.
Sending between three and six texts during an eight hour work day lets the person know you are thinking of them, without overwhelming them.
3. Make Kissing a Priority
Kissing is an important and often overlooked part of being a great lover. A good kiss can excite, ignite and create deep longing for days. Long after you've gone, the kiss lingers and reminds them of your presence. The memory of your lips, your scent and your touch will continue to make them smile until they see you again.
Learn how to kiss well. Of course, with every person, kissing is different. While your technique may vary depending on the circumstances, there are some things you can do to improve your face time.
Keep Your Lips Soft and Smooth
First, make sure your lips are soft and smooth. Whether you are a man or a woman, it's important to keep your lips healthy. There is nothing worse than kissing dry, chapped lips. Instant turn off. Use lip balm. It's not just for teenage girls. And ladies, go easy on the lipstick. No guy wants your dark red lipstick smeared all over his face. (And if he does, you can play that game later!)
Brush Your Teeth
Another important factor in good kissing is your breath. Dirty teeth and bad breath are gross. Good oral hygiene isn't just about not having cavities. If you want to be a good lover, then you absolutely must take care of your mouth and teeth. This means brushing and flossing and using mouthwash. If the dead animal stink won't go away, then a visit to the dentist is in order.
Seriously though, kissing a person with smelly breath is a turn off, and if they kiss other parts of your body, besides your mouth, the saliva will stink and your body will have the odor of bad breath. Yuck.
Vary Your Kissing Technique
Learn to vary your technique, depending on the circumstances and the person. A long lingering kiss will keep you on their mind, while a short, sweet peck might leave them hungry for more.
There is no one way to kiss properly. The secret is in learning what your partner likes and responding in ways that leave them gasping for air. A great kiss can ignite the fires of passion and leave them smoldering for hours afterward. You will never regret being a skillful kisser.
4. Stay Off the Phone
Get off the phone. Nothing is more annoying than trying to have a conversation with someone who is constantly checking their phone. This is true whether you are friends, lovers or married.
Put your phone down. Better yet, turn it off and remove it completely from the table. Look at the person you are with. Make eye contact. Engage in the conversation. Your phone will wait, and your friends don't need a constant update on your status. Be here now.
5. Show Your Enthusiasm
A good lover is one who is enthusiastic and involved. Whether you are a man or a woman, it is important to show up when you are with someone. Don't think your physical presence is enough. You need to be there, fully present. Not emailing work. Not texting your girlfriends, or your "best" friend, who just happens to be a guy. Not talking to your mom, your sister, or your aunt. Show up all the way.
Being enthusiastic means being happy and excited exactly where you are. It's not about making a lot of noise in bed, but about being fully present when you are with the other person. Enthusiasm means having fun and expressing your enjoyment.
Look at your partner. Look them in the eye. Tell them they are beautiful, whether it is a man or a woman. There is beauty in every person. Make your partner feel special, important and valued. Look deeply into their eyes while you are together and make the other person feel like the only thing that matters at the moment.
Act like you want to be there, whether you are in bed or at dinner. Give your partner your undivided attention, act interested in what is happening, and don't disengage. Your partner can tell if you are there, or if you wish you were somewhere else.
Enthusiasm means having fun whatever the circumstances. Enthusiasm and excitement carries through your life, not only in the bedroom. If you are enthusiastic about your life, about your partner and about your sex life, then you will be a great lover—someone who is fully present and acts like there is nowhere else he or she would rather be.
6. Express Yourself
A good lover knows how to share what he or she likes, and they know how to make their partner feel special. This is only possible if you are willing and able to communicate, both in the bedroom and out.
Be honest about what you like, and be bold enough to ask for what you want. Timidity, humility and shyness are not the hallmarks of a great lover. If you want to be great, then you need to know what you want and how to ask for it.
Beyond that, it's also important to tell your lover what you like, what they are doing right, and when to shift their focus. Don't be afraid. Be bold. Be brave. Express your desire and allow your passion to flow freely.
Think of yourself as the conductor of a magnificent orchestra. In order to coax beautiful music, the conductor must be fully involved, fully immersed in the moment. The conductor must draw the passion out of the music. This is your job as a great lover. Express your own passion and allow your partner the space to develop their passion alongside and in concert with you.
A great lover is not only great unto themselves, but they bring out the greatness in their partner. A great lover makes you better than you ever imagined you could be.
7. Listen Up
Whether you're in bed or haven't gotten there yet, pay attention to your partner. Great lovers know this secret and practice it. They give their partner their full attention and draw them out, not only sexually, but also in other areas of their lives together.
Don't just ask mundane, routine questions.
"How was your day?" "How was work?" "How are you doing?"
Get involved with your partner before you get in the sack. Listen to them. Pay attention. Ask questions and act interested in who they are. And once you've got them where you want them, then it really becomes time to pay attention.
Pay Close Attention to Your Partner
What sounds is your partner making? What motions or movements are they making? You can tell a lot, without saying anything, if you pay attention and listen to the sounds, the tones and the body language of your partner. Focus on what they want, and forget for a while about what you want. A great lover is adept at putting their partner first, and placing their own needs on the back burner. A great lover knows that he or she will eventually be satisfied, but they find great pleasure and satisfaction in fulfilling the desires of their partner.
If your partner is cringing in pain, perhaps you need to remove your fingernails from his shoulders. If she is yanking away, maybe you've been too rough. Pay attention to the body language, and respond slowly, thoughtfully and thoroughly. Be aware of what's happening, don't get completely lost in what you want.
Don't plow blindly forward, oblivious to the signs and clues around you. Listen to your partner and respond to them. If you listen, you will know exactly what to do, without exchanging a spoken word.
A great lover knows that giving is more important than receiving. A great lover finds pleasure in the satisfaction of his or her partner, knowing that in the end, everybody will be happy.
You Can Be a Great Lover
The secret to being a great lover is to be confident, to be bold, and to pay attention to your partner. Make your partner feel important, make them feel valuable and make them feel sexy.
Great sex isn't only about sex. It's about connection. Connect to your partner, and you will be a great lover. Find ways to make them feel special and important, both in bed and out of bed.
Being a great lover encompasses much more than just the bedroom. A great lover is attentive in all areas of life, and tends to make people feel important in the board room and in the bedroom.
You can be a great lover when you move with confidence and allow others to feel important and valued when they are around you.
© 2016 Deborah Demander