10 Things Every Gay Guy Should Know: Hooking Up
Today's political climate may focus on gay marriage, but let's not forget the ancient art form known as the hook-up for all the guys who are more interested in short-term fun.
Below are 10 Things Every Gay Guy Should Know when it comes to hooking up.
- Be prepared. Men can be men, and some men can be dogs. Prepare yourself for the adventure of hooking up, but keep in mind that this is a very fickle game whose rules are always changing. You're putting yourself out there to engage in a hunting or fishing expedition. You will be judged as much as (if not more than) your judgments of the guys you're trying to attract. And while the thrill of victory can be addictive, you have to realize that not every expedition is going to be a success. Sometimes, sleeping alone in your warm bed is better than something you might live to regret. STDs and other complications are out there. Make sure you know your status and are honest with those you contact because karma will kick your ass.
- Go online. The Internet and mobile phone apps are a gay guy's hook-up dream. Nowadays, you don't even have to leave home in order to home in on the guy you'd like to bag. There are a ton of sites (e.g., Grindr, Adam4Adam, Scruff, Recon, BBRT) that offer different approaches, cater to different guys, and allow you to interact with guys in different ways. Online hookups are notoriously fickle, but a few pics and a few chats later, you could very well be headed toward success. Other avenues still exist: You can check out local bathhouses, cruise public areas or the gym, or keep an eye out at a spa/sauna, but be careful not to do anything lewd in public. Having to register as a sex offender is not hot.
- Discuss mutual interests. One-word greetings are lazy and often ignored. Start with "How's it going?" or something similar. Once you've established a rapport with someone (after a few responses), start to discuss the things you'd want to know to ensure that you two are sexually compatible (turn-ons, safe/bareback sex, top/bottom/versatile, drugs, threesomes, etc.). A few questions will help underscore the fact that you are serious about meeting up; too many questions will suggest that you are simply one of those trolls who talks more than he plays. If the momentum is not moving toward meeting up, then move on to something more likely to materialize.
- Decide whether to host or travel. This sounds very straight-forward, but a lot of guys either do not communicate that they only wish to host or they use this issue as a polite way to end a conversation when they are no longer interested in meeting up. So get it out in the open early on if you have a strong preference to host or travel. Remember to factor in the distance and drive time when considering how long until you will be able to meet up. Sometimes, if it's late at night, you need to be realistic about how long you can last before you're going to want some sleep.
- See multiple pics, talk on the phone, or meet first. Another way to give yourself a better shot of getting what you want is to ask for some subtle forms of verification. Everyone can be anyone online, meaning it's easy to create a persona online that turns out to be very different in reality. The goal here is to meet up in the real world, so make sure the guy you're talking to is the guy you want to meet. Make sure you see at least a few pics (including a face shot) and judge if they look like they are recent and all from the same guy. You should know what you're looking for and what are definite turn-offs. For example, if you have an issue with an effeminate voice, then you would want to chat with your guy on the phone briefly before agreeing to meet up; otherwise, you're just wasting your time. Other guys will overcome this dilemma by agreeing to meet up somewhere first to ensure their guy is actually who he appears to be online. Also, a pre-hook-up meet-up can function as a quick mini-interview so you will know a little about your guy before you share each other's bodily fluids.
- Be prepared. After you've set a time to meet up, you need to be prepared to engage in the act of sexual intercourse. You need to be clean, showered, and presentable. If you want him to give your ass attention, you need to be clean both inside and out. Nobody (well, almost nobody) wants to end the night with a stinky situation. Hold yourself to high standards, and you will avoid all unnecessary awkwardness. Bring lube and condoms, if needed. Bring poppers if you like them, but ask if he is OK with this. Map out his address or give him directions to your place. Agree on a time to meet. Exchange cell phone numbers. Use your real first name. Text or call when you arrive.
- What to do if you do not feel that spark. Here comes the tricky part. You've chatted, exchanged pics, discussed details, and have met up at the same place at the same time. After all of that, realize that you still might not have sex. When you both meet and see each other for the first time, there's still a chance that one of you is not going to be as interested as you were earlier. Even with conversations and pictures shared over the Internet or your smart phone, chemistry is difficult to predict. We get so much more information in a short period of time when we're standing right next to someone (which is why some eschew the online game). If you meet him and you are no longer interested, do not find an excuse to delay the bad news. Simply be honest and let him know that you are not interested. Don't be mean about it, but don't feel overly guilty, either. It's true that he might have driven over to your place, and now within 5 minutes the whole thing is over, but that's part of the deal. Don't make it worse by trying to make something happen when you know you do not feel it.
- Dealing with rejection. Sometimes, #7 will apply, but you will be the one who's interested when he's the one who's just not feeling the same way about you. Take the above advice and apply it to yourself. Take the news and leave without making an issue of it. Hurling insults or acting like a scorned 12-year-old does little to make someone reconsider their rejection of you; in fact, it cements their decision. It doesn't matter whether he has a kind heart or is a complete jerk because it all comes down to whether you both have a mutual interest in having sex with each other. If that mutual interest is lacking, then it's time to admit it and leave him behind. You can deal with your hurt feelings on your own later on.
- Enjoy yourself. If you have made it this far and you both share a mutual interest in having sex with each other, then go for it! Enjoy the ride (literally and figuratively). Put your best foot forward and be open to this new experience. Explore his body and allow him to explore yours. Kissing is usually high on a guy's turn-on list, so make sure to follow the subtle cues of what he likes. Guys usually give clues to show what they like and don't enjoy. For example, if you bite his nipple and he inhales quickly in pain and brushes your mouth away from his chest, then you know not to do that. Do things to him that you would want done to you. Make sure he's enjoying himself, but also that you're having fun at the same time. Don't rush it. Make the neighbors jealous. This one event can be magical and doesn't (necessarily) have to stop at the first orgasm. Try to give him what he wants (as long as it's also what you want), but don't force the situation. The first encounter can be (but is not always) the best encounter, but it's also the best time to try to discern what this guy likes and what you can offer him (and vice versa).
- Don't assume it will be more than once. After all of the effort put into chatting with someone, meeting in person, and having a hot encounter, it's only natural to think that this could be the start of a good thing. Hold on. First, you need to gauge how much he enjoyed it and how likely he is to want to repeat it. Some guys will say polite things, but it might just turn out to be a one-time thing. That doesn't mean it was bad. It often just means that it was good enough for what it was. Sometimes, one of you will be more interested in future encounters than the other guy, so just be honest about how you feel and see where it leads. Hook-ups can be hot, magical encounters, but they don't necessarily lead to committed relationships. So don't try to make it anything other than a hot time with a new friend. And if it happens again in the future, or turns out to be more than just a wild fling, then it will be all the better.
Take the quiz below to see if you're ready for hooking up in the real world.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.