Why Don't I Feel Sexy Anymore? Advice for Women
I Don't Feel Sexy Anymore
Ladies. You're here because we all have one thing in common. As we age, we start to notice every little change in our bodies. We think that the little laugh lines on the corners of our eyelids and the effect of time on the body become more and more pronounced over the years—even if others never notice. We are our biggest critics!
At some point, especially for those in a relationship, we may start to fall into a hole. We may ask ourselves, "Does my husband even find me attractive?" or "Why don't men check me out anymore?" We may wonder where our love life has gone or reminiscence over pictures of our younger days and all the fun we used to have.
One Day You May Look Back at How Beautiful You Are in This Moment
Did you know there will always be an older version of you looking back at the younger version of you (yes, the younger you right now!) reminiscing over your looks and your vitality? You need to start appreciating what you have at this moment!
I was watching a comedic movie a few nights ago and a very superficial female character said to the younger female character:
"You're going to want to take a picture of those because years later you're going to be looking back and wishing. Enjoy your body while you have it. You may think this and that, but one day you'll be looking back thinking you had it all."
So, we cannot control time, but we can control how we treat ourselves. It's time to learn to age with grace.
Does My Husband Still Find Me Attractive?
Forget this question. Do YOU still find YOU attractive? Because if you don't feel attractive, it's hard for others to see you as attractive. I am a firm believer in women getting inspiration from other women. So, here are some ideas if you're feel less than sexy lately:
- see an intimacy counselor (alone—one that works with women)
- sign up for a sensual dance class (pole, belly dance)
- join a women's group (inspire each other or honor the feminine)
- join a water aerobics class (get moving)
- see an energy healer (if you believe in energy work, you may have a chakra blockage)
- see a transpersonal counselor (you may be suffering from blockages related to past trauma or abuse in your lifetime)
I am a firm believer that creative dance is a great source for enhancing sensuality. If you are in touch with the movements and flow and rhythm of your body, this can translate wonderfully into your love life.
Use Clever Propaganda to Set the Mood at Home
If you and your husband are having issues with intimacy, perhaps you have to set the mood. Maybe you work from home. Take your bath, have your evening glass of red, wear your favorite outfit, and watch your sensual movie by the time your husband gets home. That's right, the more relaxed you are, the more likely the energy will be noticed.
Be Kind to Yourself
How we talk to ourselves in the mirror says everything about how we feel inside. Literally! I was once watching a self-love video, and the narrator in the video filmed her morning routine. In this video, she stands in the mirror and compliments herself, thanks herself, and smiles. At first I thought, "Wow, that is so weird." But after much contemplation, I realized I was weird for not greeting myself like that in the mirror every morning and show some self-love.
Tip: When you look at yourself in the mirror every morning, greet yourself like you would a friend. Exchange kind words like you would with your dearest friend. Treat yourself with the same kindness and respect.
Why Sweating and Yoga May Make You Feel Sexy
If you haven't tried yoga already, you need to get started! Yoga is the ultimate mind-body-spiritual awakener. You move and twist in ways that awaken every cell in your body. Not to mention, it is an amazing toner—especially for the pelvic floor. You can modify your yoga practice depending on your abilities.
I highly recommend starting out with a basic asana or vinyasa flow class. Avoid heated classes if you are a first-timer. Over several months of diligent practice, you will notice a transformation in your body.
Stress Is the Ultimate Intimacy Killer
Stress will kill even the healthiest of libidos. Stress can be work-related, life-event-related, or even financially induced. It's important to get at the root of your stress. If the two of you are going through some hard times, consider entering couple's counseling together to reduce the stress in your life.
Take a Mini-Vacation
Go book some float time at your local spa or get a couple's massage. Maybe even schedule an overnight on the coast or in the mountains at an Airbnb or at a cabin on the weekend. No matter what lifestyle you live and where you live, we all need to get away and we all need to take a break.
Do You Believe in Makeovers?
First and foremost, when's the last time you looked in the mirror, ditched the sweatpants, the mom jeans (unless they're cute mom jeans), put on a real bra, did your makeup (if you wear it), did your hair (even let it down), and cared about YOU? Have you been plugging away day after day working or being a mom, not taking a moment for yourself?
You don't have to be loaded to treat yourself to a little beautification. If you're into glam, give yourself a french manicure at home (there are plenty of DIY kits), touch up your roots with dye, or go to your hairdresser and get your hair done.
Do you have clothes hanging in your closet (your nice ones) that you never wear because they just aren't practical? What if you dressed up to run that errand. How would you feel? The sensation and the attention (not to mention the compliments) might just overwhelm you and give you an added boost. Women notice when women take care of themselves too, so next time you get the "I like your scarf" from the female cashier, take that one to heart.
Quick Tip: Put on some lipstick or some blush in just seconds. A little bit of color goes a long way. If you're over the makeup routine, look for multi-purpose coloring sticks that double as lip tint and blush. That's what I use. Go for something natural.
I love using HAN skin care cheek and lip tint. It's super easy to swipe on in just seconds. The ingredients are certified organic and cruelty-free. The tint is derived from organic fruit and vegetable pigments, and it is fragrance-free.
"Like a Fine Wine, You Get Better With Age"
We've heard this one before, but we can't help but compare ourselves to the dewy faces of youth. But, what if you believed and embraced this saying? Let's go back to your 20-year-old self. Sure, you were fun, but perhaps you weren't much for conversation? Maybe you were insecure? Maybe you still wore glasses? Perhaps you enjoyed intimacy, but you weren't all that experienced. Did it ever occur to you that maybe, just maybe, there is a huge difference between the presence of a woman and a girl? Believe it and embrace it.
Is My Husband Cheating on Me?
Ugh . . . the biggest and most damaging question any woman can ask herself. The more the idea springs into mind, the more the paranoia sets in. People may really take things out of hand just to confirm or debunk their biggest fear of all—the other woman, a mistress, etc.
Maybe It's Him
Maybe your husband has a hormone imbalance. Maybe your significant other put on some weight and doesn't feel sexy. Maybe they are dealing with an overload of stress at the workplace, depression, low testosterone, you name it. It's not always us! Get to the root of the matter and consider talking to them if you are in a good place to do so.
Worst Case Scenario
What if your husband was having an affair. It doesn't matter if you've been married for 1 year, 2 years, 20 or 30 years, this BURNS and is grounds for the dissolution of a marriage. So, what if he was with someone younger? Did you know that the problem is with him? Can we acknowledge this right now? If a man is that superficial to leave you for another woman than you have better things coming your way. You do NOT want to be stuck in a marriage with someone who doesn't even see you for you.
You Determine Your Worth
Value yourself as a woman. Men do not determine a woman's worth. We determine our worth, so declare it.
Women deal with the unfair stigma around aging. We are bombarded with issues around aging and beauty since the time we are young. But I can't tell you how many times I've seen women who are older than me and I've said, "Wow, I hope I look like her! She's radiant!"
Only Compete With Yourself
Stop competing against younger women—they don't have everything you have—they aren't necessarily as established in their career, they aren't as skilled at gardening, they aren't as fluent in French . . . you name it. I'm a firm believer in woman power. I believe that unfaithfulness has more to do with the unfaithful than the one being burned. So save your dignity and grace and get out of that.
Only compete with yourself, that is, work on becoming a better you for you! This starts with self-care, self-love, and self-acceptance. Remember, you've got other women rooting for you and you are not alone—we all need to lift each other up and embrace our strengths.
Video: How to Feel Sexy at Any Age
© 2018 Layne Holmes