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The Practical Guide to PMS for Men

"Yes Dear - I Have the Chocolate"

Pre-Menstrual Syndrome, Psychotic Mood Shift, Puffy Mid-Section, Perpetual Munching Spree, Pass My Snacks, Potential Murder Suspect or very simply PMS. These very initials often send a shiver of dread down the spine of any male over the age of 12.

Men of all ages have had their encounters with this cyclical beast. Whether it’s a sister, mother, wife, girlfriend, there is no escaping it. The dreaded PMS monster has been an object of fear and horror by males for millennia. Ever since the first mammals evolved the male of the species has been cowering in fear over changes in the female during the pre-menstrual cycle. Women during this time can become half mythical harpies and demons loosed upon the unsuspecting mortal male.

Of course, dealing with PMS from a male standpoint isn’t easy. At any other time, we ladies would agree with your assessments of the whole process 100%. I think I can speak for the majority of women, when I tell you – WE don’t like it either. We like being able to think, fit in our jeans, eat a balanced meal, be logical and unemotional during life’s little mishaps. We don’t like the mess, the cramps, the sleepiness, grouchiness, chocolate cravings or the mood swings. When we get to heaven – we want to talk to the Manager – dammit! Of course, we know how far we’d get on that front.

So what exactly is PMS? Medically, it’s nature’s cycle in a female to cleanse the body of unneeded tissue due to not being impregnated. Hormones regulate these functions for women just like certain hormones tend to affect men. (That is a whole ‘nother article!) Of course, the pesky hormones that regulate this cycle often have side effects. Men, let me tell you, it’s the side effects that cause the problems. Not only physically – but the mentally as well. The psychological state of a female in the throes of PMS is not for the faint hearted.

The time honored tradition of men has been to depart the immediate vicinity as quickly as possible at the first hint of Petite Madness Syndrome. This is either very wise or very foolish depending on the presenting symptoms. Most males seem to have difficulty recognizing symptoms at an opportune time. The first step for men is to be able to recognize the basic symptoms. Symptoms include but are not limited to the following areas.

Crying

Crying over commercials, crying over the kids’ Disney movies, crying because the cat got hair on our best slacks – again. In short, if your female companion or loved one cries over something that would normally not phase them in the slightest- you are entering the PMS zone. The appropriate by you? Hugs, tell them you’ll fix it (and mean it!) or simply say “Yes dear, I know” while hugging. This powerful phrase is something that every male should be taught from birth. Simply leaving the immediate vicinity or saying nothing tends to provoke the next symptom.

Anger

Unexplained anger is the flipside to crying. It is also the most prevalent yet unrecognized symptom of PMS. If your normally steady, unflappable pillar of strength suddenly starts banging around the house and you can reasonably assume that:

A. you haven’t done anything to provoke it such as forgot to take out the trash for the umpteenth time, left the lid up – again, and/or any other of the usual man triggers or

B. the children, boss, best friend or other outside person has not done something so awful that killing them or cleaning the kitchen are the only options. Then you have again entered the PMS zone.

If you attempt to find out the reason – be warned – it will be about everything YOU have/have not done for the last umpteen years. There will be no logic involved –the hormones have shut off the logic center for the duration. Attempting to defuse the situation by talking will usually result in someone sleeping on the couch – usually you. The best defense if you can have at this point is that powerful phrase “Yes dear”. No matter what – she will be right. This is not the time to let your hormones try to take on her hormones. You will lose and may get physically injured by flying cleaning or cooking objects. Simply agree that everyone and everything is designed to make her life miserable and let the hormone storm pass- it will be quicker and less painful for you in the long run.

You may decide not to confront the whirling dervish in the living room armed with the window cleaner. Leaving on an errand is permissible - but only if you take every other human being in the house with you – or else. Hiding in the bedroom, TV room or garage is not a wise choice- unless you can be shown to be doing something productive- cleaning out the closet, the cars or picking up the mess the kids made- again. Hiding out at your buddy’s house while watching the game is an absolute no-no. How dare you have fun and relax when there’s work to be done?!?!?!

Withdrawal & Cravings

Your normally on top of it all, multi-tasking woman suddenly grabs the bag of Doritos, Hershey’s Kisses, 5 quarts of ice cream or any other snack item. She then proceeds to snarl at anyone or anything that interrupts her TV show, book, computer time or other one person activity. You guessed it – the PMS zone.

This is the time when women usually realize that their anger and irritability are about to erupt in a vesuvian fashion if everyone and everything in life does not just - GO AWAY!

Animals, obnoxious children and unsuspecting males who disturb this rumbling mountain of hormonal activity may suffer lasting and irreparable harm. So what’s a savvy male to do? Everything she would normally do. Make dinner, feed and bathe kids, if you have them. Get them in bed. Clean up the evening messes. In short, it doesn’t matter that the kids didn’t brush their teeth, dinner was frozen pizza and you’ll actually need to do laundry if you need clothes tomorrow. Just keep the peace and quiet flowing around her. If this doesn’t happen – see the solutions for the above symptoms – you’re gonna need them and a large bar or bag of her favorite chocolate doesn’t hurt either.

Body Issues

You wake up and it looks like a terrorist bomb exploded in the closet. Ominous mutterings are echoing out of the bathroom. Through the crack in the door you see your beloved scowling at the mirror while talking to herself under her breath. You have blearily stumbled into the PMS zone.

Men, I cannot stress this enough- DO NOT tell us we look fine. This will bring out the first two symptoms, thereby compounding your error before you’ve even had your morning jolt of caffeine. Additionally, many women will tell you – don’t look, don’t touch, don’t talk about my body. Why? We’re bloated, sore in some areas, and we feel we look like we need to have back-up warning sirens attached to our cabooses. If we mention our weight gain and bloating immediately get out your handy phrase- “Yes dear, I know”. This must always be followed quickly by the words- “but it will pass in a few days and you’ll feel better.” Not one word more or less! You have been warned!

Every woman has her individual rituals for dealing with what is aptly called “the curse”. (Someday- someone needs to ask why Adam got off so lightly!) Learn those rituals – anticipate those needs –chocolate, peace and quiet, kind and loving words at the right moment and a pair of comforting arms. Use “Yes dear” wisely and often. You’ll be the hero of the moment and the most highly talked about partner at any gathering of women. Other men will want to know your secret. Teenage boys will look up to you in awe.

Remember, PMS isn’t forever. Your logical, loving, sweet tempered sweetheart will return soon since for most women this period only lasts about a week. Until menopause….

Comments 32 comments

GeneriqueMedia profile image

GeneriqueMedia 7 years ago from Earth

Love this! Great use of pix! Had me rolling!

G|M


Kelsey Tallis profile image

Kelsey Tallis 7 years ago from USA-Ohio

Wonderfully written! Great sense of humor :-).


Nanny J.O.A.T. profile image

Nanny J.O.A.T. 7 years ago from Somewhere over the rainbow Author

Thank you - I'm still new at actually putting down the words. At least I know I haven't completely lost my sense of humor!


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine

loved this am going to vote now!


Nanny J.O.A.T. profile image

Nanny J.O.A.T. 7 years ago from Somewhere over the rainbow Author

Okay - what are we voting for? Methinks this newbie is carnfuzed!

Thanks and glad you enjoyed it!


Nanny J.O.A.T. profile image

Nanny J.O.A.T. 7 years ago from Somewhere over the rainbow Author

okay - so I'm the last to know - I guess I have been nominated for a hub nugget award! So to whomever nominated me - MUCHO GRANDE thank you!


ripplemaker profile image

ripplemaker 7 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

Hi Nanny, yes you are a hubnugget nominee! And to win, you have to vote. So ask all your friends to vote for you. Here is the link: http://hubpages.com/community/HubNuggets-Overloade

Do men really have PMS too? I enjoyed your hub and your sense of humor immensely. Thanks!


Nanny J.O.A.T. profile image

Nanny J.O.A.T. 7 years ago from Somewhere over the rainbow Author

Yes ripple - Men get PMS - they don't get it monthly like us women - they get it all at once - we call it a midlife crisis! LOL!!!!

and thanks - I have called and e-mailed all my friends and told them to get out there and vote!


ripplemaker profile image

ripplemaker 7 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

That's wonderful! About you telling your friends though and not about men having PMS hahahaha


k@ri profile image

k@ri 7 years ago from Sunny Southern California

This is the best advice to men I have read! LOL! I hope some of them read it and take it to heart. :D


Nanny J.O.A.T. profile image

Nanny J.O.A.T. 7 years ago from Somewhere over the rainbow Author

Well, we can hope.... at least a little anyway!


2C's 7 years ago

OMG I am so glad those days are behind me now. LOL I remember them well. haha and then came menopause, dam! that's over too thank god. I payed her back tho' when my thyroid went nuts and she said I turned into Hitler haha. It was awful and I hated myself. Got that fixed finally, whew! life is so much fun in all its forms and trials are part of it too. thanks for a good read


C. C. Riter 7 years ago

I love the painting Scream. It goes well with the hub.


Nanny J.O.A.T. profile image

Nanny J.O.A.T. 7 years ago from Somewhere over the rainbow Author

From the parrot on your shoulder- are you sure it wasn't Capt. Bligh???? and yes Scream fits me to a Tee. Perimenopause is beginning and everything seems to be ramping up - I hope the kids survive.....


Feline Prophet profile image

Feline Prophet 7 years ago from India

Thank God for chocolate...everyone else can take a hike! (Eeeks, am I sounding crabby already?!!)


Nanny J.O.A.T. profile image

Nanny J.O.A.T. 7 years ago from Somewhere over the rainbow Author

Chocolate - Nature's way of keeping women from homicide... LOL!


Nanny J.O.A.T. profile image

Nanny J.O.A.T. 7 years ago from Somewhere over the rainbow Author

PMS for Men has been Updated - All you Christina Aguilera fans - I've added her video as it is a great complement to my hub!


Shirley Ann 6 years ago

I'm emailing this to my husband now :)


Stephanie 6 years ago

I came across this amazing book that I read and passed onto my husband...The PMS (Please Make Sense) Guide for Men. Bought it at www.thepmsguide.com Gives great advice on what men should be doing to help us women get through PMS. My husband seems to finally get it thanks to the book. its an easy read and well worth getting!!


ZimZam 5 years ago

I thought I had a handle on PMS, and I did, but only scratching the surface. The article showed me that there is stuff I can do to protect myself as well as helping not to make matters worse. Ladies let me tell you something. I have every sympathy and respect for you all and realise you must hate PMS. But being a fellow trying to deal with it is hard, hurtful and difficult to understand. As long as you realise how hard you've made it at the end of the week, and give us the hugs and appreciation that you craved for our efforts to not rock the boat we might be able to cope. I would hate to think how many relationships the 7 day demon has destroyed.


Kris 5 years ago

I also got the book, The PMS (Please Make Sense) Guide for Men by Stefan Jaskiel. I found it on Amazon (it seems it was cheaper). I agree that the book was good!! All men need to read it!


Croc28 4 years ago

Hello Ladies,

This was extremely well written and I'm sure very helpful.... for most men. I do have a tiny little problem though... My girlfriend is about 1,000 miles away. Yes, I'm not there for the raging mood swings and she's really not violent, but I can't stand the thought of her being upset. I need some advice to just help her relax, "Yes dear I know" will not work if I'm sending that every other text message.

Thanks ladies!


youaremysavior 4 years ago

i have to say reading this has realy saved my life before i read this i was having kitchen knives thrown at me all the time thank you so much


collegiateprincess 4 years ago

This article is wonderful but there are a few things I disagree with personally. I know men have an intrinsic nature to fix things but I say, "Please, don't try to fix me. I am not broken."

Saying "Yes Dear, I know. It will all be over in a week or so," is also not going to help when I am crying. My response to that is, "NO, you don't know! I might not even know or have a clue as to what triggered the reason I am crying. Oh wait, yeah it's PMS."

If men value their lives, I would highly suggest avoiding telling your mate when she is experiencing PMS.

Identify it -YES.

Attempt to understand it -YES.

Work with/plan around it -YES.

Say the letters PMS -NO! NO! NO!

I love that you point out that going away to do something productive is a good idea! You are right on the money when you say, "Hiding out at your buddy’s house while watching the game is an absolute no-no."

Thanks for the article. I will share it.


Dessie Orchid 4 years ago

I don't get why men can't mention it. I usually know when pms has arrived as its obvious the weather has changed in the house. I generally know how not to react. When I have reacted, as occasionally happens I get all manner of stuff thrown (verbally) at me. Over what might be a minor thing 99 per cent of the time, she ends up telling me that she doesn't love me and never did and that she is going to leave me. Then a few days later everything is fine again. I really need to sit down with her during the good times and be able to say that i don't appreciate that every time she has a low that she thinks its okay to tell me she's going to leave me. We have a 12 month old son and I don't enjoy being threatened. She knows I love her and I tell her that all the time. I don't even mind her telling me she hates me, when she's feeling like this. I just object to being told that she doesn't love me and wants to leave every time. I know PMS is difficult for a woman but you think she would see a pattern and stop with the threatening abusive stuff.

Good article though- i think men just have to develop a thicker skin for that week, not pur petrol on the fire and realise its only for a few days.


Dave 4 years ago

BS...women can be abusive, but they know it's hormonal. Men can at least indicate a biological issue which diffuses anything personal. I think this is so lame, I am currently with someone who is fantastic but gets psycho and our wonderful relationship during this period is always at risk. Yes, it sucks...but screw it, don't ignore the facts.


Andy 4 years ago

Well, the solution seems to fit you very well...


Michelle Hughes 4 years ago

Very well written. Love the added humor. Hoping my husband will read this and "get it".


Konnect Life 2 years ago

Dessie orchid, it doesn't sound like your wife is reacting onPMS, but rather PMDD, which is worse and comes BEFORE the period, then dies down as the period begins (making the period itself a time of relief). A lot of people live and walk around undiagnosed, so I would strongly recommend doing research. I discovered it by googling "girlfriend breaks up with me every month around same time." I confirmed her PMDD after I noticed that it was a pattern and also noticed that she started taking her PM pills as her mood would get back to normal.

However, your case may be a bit different since your girlfriend/wife doesn't seem to also have psychosis/schizophrenia with auditory hallucinations on top of that. People who hear voices end up hearing them more often and in a more severe way during this time of the month.


Francesca 2 years ago

Women know when they are suffering from premenstrual tension. All they need is a calendar. There is help. A couple of days on diuretic tablet helps ENORMOUSLY. I was told by a GP that the bloating is fluid retention and that fluid on the brain at that time of the month IS PMT or what cause the irrational behaviour. It worked for me so 1) recognise the onset days before your period and 2) take a diuretic on those couple of days or 3 4 or 5 days.

I have worked with mainly female staff (in the health services area) and I have noticed younger females do some absolutely dreadful things to colleagues and friends and husband and I have noticed that they usually start with the "regret" stories about 1 week later. I can't see anything funny about PMT and I think it should be treated a whole lot more seriously than it is. I suffered from it(so did everyone around me) but once I "plotted" it out on the calendar, I did something about it - mind you it took me til I was about 30 years old and had a 7 year old child and

a long suffering husband but it had reached a stage where, on reflection, I could have ended up in jail or a mental institution. Women should do something about it, otherwise the old "jokes" about women will continue on and on.


tony 17 months ago

I became so sick and tired of my partners menstrual madness (I tolerated her for 12 years, enough is enough) that I eventually divorced her. Of course, she says it is ALL my fault, same old same old!

I am now single, live alone, date single females, have never been happier in my life. I don't miss the moody pig not one bit. To all you guys out there, if your partner is not prepared to do some thing to help herself, is in denial, move out, seek a separation or a divorce, it's just not worth it. As I have mentioned, you can date other females, you don't have to marry them or live with them, so you can enjoy both female company (without the menstrual madness) and you can also enjoy your male friends company without getting a mouth full of foul language, and some times violence when you get home. No wonder there are so many men who turn to the grog! Who wants to go home after a hard days work to face a nasty, violent moody pig? To all you long suffering males out there, have a nice day.


Annie Won 7 weeks ago

I HATE it when this sneaks up on me. Like, I know it's coming, but I forget it as soon as EVERY SINGLE NOISE IRRITATES ME, and I wonder how it is that everyone I live with is so inconsiderate. Then it clicks, and I think, "Okay, gotta keep this in check," right before I bite the kids' heads off for not putting up their dishes for the umpteenth time. LE SIGH...

To all men out there who have to deal w/ a female (wife, daughter, mother, etc.) dealing with PMS...we like it less than YOU do, and we're really sorry.

To the author, well...if you make it to Heaven, the person to ask ISN'T the "Management" but EVE. We got it worse than Adam because Eve ate the fruit FIRST and convinced her husband to have some, too. Seriously, every time I'm in labor (4 times total), I'm thinking, "Why, Eve, WHY?!?!"

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