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Help! I Fell in Love With a Lesbian! (And I'm a Straight Guy!)

So it has happened. You're a straight guy, just minding your own business, and you meet this girl. Now, you know she's a lesbian; you know she could never want you; you know she doesn't look at you like that and that you're just really good friends, of course. But "the heart wants what the heart wants" as they say, and, typically, the penis also follows suit, complicating matters even more.

Now that you have fallen prey to the fated lesbian web of seduction that she probably didn't know she was spinning, you have several options to bring about some kind of resolution:

1 - Get over it

She's a lesbian. She likes women. She likes people with long hair who wear dresses and (probably) have vaginas. If you don't fit this description, she probably isn't interested and never will be. She may be nice about it, but the fact that you're in love with her is unlikely to budge her orientation in the slightest.

Try to concentrate less on her and more on the fake lesbians you see in porn. At least they'll never reject you. Straight guys are the primary source of their income.

Now, if you don't want to just give up and get over it...

2 - Try to figure out if she'll go straight for you

Gay women typically hate that whole cliché of "She's only a lesbian because she hasn't found the right man." Clearly, in most cases, this is simply patently untrue. After all, if you were a woman, wouldn't you be a lesbian, too? Who wouldn't want to be a lesbian if they could, right?

However, sexuality is much more fluid in many people than society tends to acknowledge, and maybe, just maybe, she's only mostly gay. Maybe there's room for a certain, specific kind of guy. Of course, even in the event that this happens to be the case, there's no guarantee that that guy is you; but, if you're sufficiently close, it may be a remote possibility. Attempt to probe her about it, especially if she's single. Ask her if she would ever be with a guy at all, or if she ever has been. Past behavior can be indicative of exactly how far she swings either way.

If she's not single, handle this with caution. It is more of a disgrace among lesbians to leave her partner for a man than for another woman because it is almost like a betrayal of her species. She will be more hesitant because of this; if she "goes straight" for a guy, she will likely not be backed up by her friends. Oftentimes, the boyfriend of a lesbian is seen as nothing more than a "beard" and a sorry attempt on her part to back away into mainstream society.

3 - Confess your love for her

This requires growing a proverbial pair. If you really want her, sincerely and without an ounce of sleaze, then there is nothing to be ashamed of. It can certainly be worth it to be honest, even if it's just for the off chance that she might feel the same about you.

If she does reciprocate, it is worth noting that you have probably not "converted" a lesbian, so use caution. You are probably only an exception to the rule and have not changed "the rules" as a whole, so to speak. She is most likely still just a gay as she was the day she met you and it's just that maybe you're the one guy that's girly enough for her. At any rate, it is in poor taste to say anything to the effect that you have shown her the light or brought her back to Jesus with the force of your manliness. She is probably unsure of herself now if she does indeed find that she likes you; this is no time to make her all-out question her sexuality.

Now, on the other hand, if you confess and find that she doesn't want you back the same way at all, then at least you can take solace in the fact that the answer was not totally unexpected. She's a lesbian. She likes people with long hair who wear dresses. Refer back to 1.

4 - Just be really close friends with her

If you can, find value in her in non-romantic ways. This is probably much easier if you were already friends before and you didn't get to know her strictly because she was attractive to you.

Be what is called a "lesbro," a straight guy who is close, but platonic, with a lesbian. Go build something together. Go fishing. Talk about girls and drink tea with your pinkies raised.

Just be friends with her and try to be content with that and try to remember that it's probably the most you'll ever get from her. And, then, maybe someday, though probably not, she may unexpectedly decide to look your way with romantic intention. Sometimes familiarity can breed affection over time. But, still, probably not, so get over it. Refer back to option 1.

There is so little to be done with such an unfortunate situation, but, alas, this is life. Sometimes the most attractive, confident girls who seem to lack all those feminine traits that annoy you and who seem to like all the same things you do, really do like all the same things you do.

So good luck to all of you who have been love-struck, and may your love life see better days in the future.

(*Note: photo by SuicideGirls)

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Comments 190 comments

K9keystrokes profile image

K9keystrokes 6 years ago from Northern, California

"who wouldn't want to be a lesbian?-- Hilarious! I love this article! You wrote funny, helpful and very honest information that many would avoid. I found myself knodding in agreement and laughing with your sarcastic reminders.

I am new to hubpages, and have written a few little things over the past week, since joining. In between, I have been reading the more interesting or eye catching articles, this is why I am reading yours. So glad I did.

I look forward to following your writings...HILARIOUS!

Thanks for sharing your writing!


lxxy profile image

lxxy 6 years ago from Beneath, Between, Beyond

Lesbians, eh? I once had a couple in my house. An older gent was about, and I got the feeling he didn't realize the couple wasn't male and female.

That's about all I can say...but I've yet to meet any lesbian I wouldn't consider pretty interesting.


Some guy 6 years ago

Oh well, this was a helpful reading as I'm right in this situation (reason why I ended up looking this article). I never felt so connected and attracted to a girl before but by choice I'm following step 4. it's really hard to keep things bottled up tho but I don't want to ruins our relationship with a confession (not to mention I'm 10 years older then her). But such is life I guess..


thehands profile image

thehands 6 years ago Author

@Some guy:

Glad to be some help. And, yeah, I know how it is, bro--I've been in that same situation myself. Sort of still am, in fact (hence this article). Good luck to you.


Another Some Guy 6 years ago

Oh my, oh my. I thought my situation would be unique: that a straight guy falling for a lesbian. I'm like 'Some Guy'. She's my junior colleague, also much younger than me (15 years; but I'm single, totally unattached and so is she. Also,I look slightly younger and she looks and is mature.) Although my gut feelings told me she was a lesbian when I first met her, I had doubts later as we became friends. I thought maybe she was just a different girl who was confident, intelligent and wore no make-up. I thought she liked me because she was physically too close to me and was very chatty with me. She didn't mind my invading her space when we walked. When we stood and talk, she touched her shoulder against mine, tilting her head toward mine. I noticed she seemed to like my feminine-looking lips. Maybe she thought I was gay and she found a mother figure in me. I don't know. When I showed my romantic interest to her, she ran away. Now, I'm not sure I can even have no. 4. It's a good article. Thank you thehands. I want to link this to my facebook, but I can't because she's on my facebook contact list and she'll be furious. So, I'll post part of your second last paragraph on my wall. I hope you won't mind. (BTW, this is from Asia and we're Asians.)


thehands profile image

thehands 6 years ago Author

@Another Some Guy:

Of course I don't mind, go right ahead. I'm sorry to hear about your situation, though, and I can definitely sympathize. Maybe with time she'll warm up to at least friendship again. In my experience, just ignoring her to some degree will make her feel more secure that you're not feeling uncontrollable attraction and she won't be so awkward around you. It's unfortunate, but if you want to be friends with her, sometimes you have to just act like you're point-blank not interested in her anymore and never mention it again.

You might want to spend a couple weeks not even so much as saying "Hello" to her and maybe she'll get over it because she thinks you're over it. I'm not sure if it'll work for you, but it has more or less worked for me in the past and it's worth a shot, I think.

And if she has any possibility of being attracted to you at all, showing a lot of interest in her has the counter-intuitive effect of making her less attracted because she thinks you're too needy. I'd push her away a bit and see how she reacts.

Good luck.


rgarnett profile image

rgarnett 6 years ago from KC, MO

From this lesbian: "If I hear that I am only gay because I haven't found the right guy, I am going to smack the hell out of you." I don't want to hear it and if I like a guy that way I would approach them. I would suggest instead of testing the waters and losing a potentially good friend, you let her come to you. I know personally, I have had my share of guys, and none so far are 'the one' its kind of insulting to think that's the reason a girl is a lesbian. Just a thought to those thinking that "test the waters" theory is a good idea :P


dracaslair 6 years ago

some women are gay because,they can't help but want a woman.it don't matter if your the right guy or not.it's all about a woman being herself.i'm tired of guys who think they can do better.that don't matter it's a gay thing.


zeee 6 years ago

Its a helpful guide, I have fallen in love with a lesbian, I respect her for her choice of partner. I still cant help not fall in love with. maybe 1 day she will feel something for me.


Richard 6 years ago

Wow, I thought I was alone. A woman I work with and I have developed a deep friendship in a short time.And I can tell we're both considering it getting physical. She had one relationship with a man but it didn't work out. I really think I'm falling in love with her, but am afraid to push the issue, I would be devastated to lose her as a friend. What to do?


FirstStepsFitness profile image

FirstStepsFitness 6 years ago

It is like telling someone who is straight they haven't found the right same sex partner yet hummmmmm

Great read !


Guest 6 years ago

After Reading this I realized that I'm definetely Not the only Guy, who is in Love with a lesbian. i Know her for 1 1/2 Years now, at the beginning i didn't Know that She was a lesbian, and I thought She Coule Be the One. Then a friend told me her "Secret" ( with her permission) and becuase of that my Feelings gone Away. In the past weeks now this Feelings came back and it Becomes harder and harder, at the Moment we are on vacation together, we Sleep in the Same bed, She is so Close, but so far away. at this Point im very desperate. i am Smoking more than ever (by the Way She hates it)..


adeluca 6 years ago

Great article! ;) Good read and very, very useful for any who are trapped in this situation. I especially love the humor you laced in with the good advice.


Permastoke 6 years ago

Well, I'm in this situation and I'm living with her, so I guess I'm in situation no. 4 there. I've spoken to her about it drunk (we usually end up walking back from the nightclub hand in hand...confusing or what..) and she tells me she loves me, even told me I was her world once. I've spoken to her about it sober and she gets very tense and just says 'I'm not really into boys'.

Sometimes we act so much like a couple around other people that they assume we are, and its not just me, although I've now said to her that its too confusing and it must stop. All I really want to do is hold her though, and just know that she's not going to disappear out of my life when she meets someone (we are both single now).

It's hard to live with, but my life without her would be really empty. Love is a trap sometimes.


am i hopeless 6 years ago

I met a girl in the 5th grade about 7 years ago, We have been best friends with her for at least 5 years now.I met this girl in the 5th grade, and to this day i go over to her house about everyday. Over the 7 years of knowing her, I have grown more and more attached to her and I have come to even love her. In about the 3rd year of knowing her, she revealed to me that she was a lesbian nad i felt like my chances of being with her went from 50% to dead 0. She has shown gestures that "may" indicate that she might have some kind of interest in me. We tell each other our deepest secrets, but i have yet to tell her my true feelings for her. I feel as if i am closer to her than even my own family. I really dont want to lose her as a friend because I feel as if when i'm around her that nothing can hurt me. I dont think it's worth my risking that just because I want to be with hher. Please help me if you can.


thehands profile image

thehands 6 years ago Author

@am i hopeless

This is the best that I can do as far as any words of advice:

If she really is a complete lesbian, she's unlikely to change, even with the amount of closeness you share. BUT, like I mentioned in this hub, she might not be completely lesbian, and MAYBE (big maybe) her attachment towards you could grow to something more.

Either way, you cannot force it. There's really nothing you can do or even anything you *should do* to make her like you anymore than she is going to naturally like you. All you can do is acknowledge the attraction that is already there, if there is any. So...ask her, if you can muster up the courage.

If she is a reasonable person, she won't stop being friends with you just because you like her like that. If she does start being distant after you acknowledge it, then maybe you should back away and give her space and all that, as I mentioned above, but if you don't even know how she feels about you, why not ask her point-blank? Or, actually, just tell her about your feelings point-blank and let it be up to her from there. I know that's easier said than done, but it can be worth it for the clarity it can give.

Trying to feel her out can help when you have something to lose, I suppose, but if you're really that close, it's unlikely something like this should damage your friendship (again, if she's reasonable). Feeling someone out for hints and dancing around them is cumbersome and can often be a waste of time.

Sometimes it's better to be ruled by what rewards you could possibly get from taking a risk than by the fear of what you could lose.

So the best I can suggest is to just tell her, but, obviously, it's up to you and how you feel about the situation from your closer point of view.


Cyberia 6 years ago

Seriously, if your friends are telling you that they identity as a LESBIAN (no, not bi), as in, liking ONLY other women, then you should respect their decision and orientation. The "maybe I might be the one man out of the so many other girls she prefers" thing is only going to cause both of you grief. How would you like it (since this is mostly read by straight guys) if a male gay friend kept making advances on you with the same reasoning?


thehands profile image

thehands 6 years ago Author

@Cyberia

Nobody here is making repeated advances or anything, seems like. If you'll notice, most of the guys are actually too afraid to say anything. I'd say asking the girl about it ONCE is not a bad thing, and any woman who is secure in herself should be able to take ONE well-meaning, well-intentioned confession of love from a guy, lesbian or straight. Most of the guys commenting here have made ZERO advances.

And, to answer your question, if a gay guy friend of mine confessed his feelings to me (which, for me personally, has actually happened before), if I wasn't attracted to him (which I wasn't), I'd turn him down nicely and say that I basically only like women (which I did, and which I do), and that he wasn't any exception to that basic rule (I have not yet found such an exception, but hey, life is long, stuff happens).

But I wouldn't be unkind to him or react badly. I don't know what guys you have encountered, but any man (and hopefully any woman!) with a reasonable maturity level wouldn't get angry over something like that.

It would be different if the gay guy wouldn't let up and chased me repeatedly, but that's never happened before and none of the guys commenting here are doing that to their lesbian friends or being the least bit sleazy about it.

All of the guys here are just unfortunately enamored with girls that appear to be lesbians. There's no reason to get all snappy at them for just being enamored, especially in light of the fact that few of them have acted on it.

I mean, turn it around for a second: Lots of lesbians get crushes on straight women. If a lesbian is enamored, respectfully, and makes ONE small advance on a straight woman, are you going to lecture her about how she should "respect [the woman's] decision and orientation"? 'Course not. Or, at least, I wouldn't, because I understand that sometimes things are not that simple.

Each woman's sexuality is different, and does not necessarily have to fall into one of three boxes. You don't know these women personally, so you can't really say.

I have personally known girls before who are not actually exactly lesbians, just mostly lesbian, and call themselves "lesbian" for the sake of brevity. Hell, I've had a girlfriend before who was like this. I have known these types of girls to call themselves lesbian, even though they technically are not, so they don't have to launch into an explanation of the subtlety of their sexuality with people it might not apply to anyway, which would be *most* straight guys.

Though, in general, I would tend to agree that a girl who says she's completely lesbian is best not pursued because in all likelihood she is a lesbian. But coming clean with ones feelings ONCE can be worth it, depending on the situation. It doesn't make the guy a sleaze.

And if these guys have an initial connection with the girl already, they might have an ounce of a chance. Who can really say? If it's worth the risk for them, it's worth the risk.


Permastoke 6 years ago

@ Cyberia

Basically you can't help who you fall in love with, and you cant turn those feelings off like a light bulb, no matter how hard you try.

I think the world of this girl, and would not do anything to try to change her. It's up to her. I told her how I felt for my own sanity. I got that flat 'no' and so I've stopped hoping that things could be different. I love her no less now than before but now we both know where we stand. I respect who she is totally.

I wouldn't have a problem if one of my gay male friends told me they were in love with me, as long as they respected my answer. I respect hers.


Sunny Robinson profile image

Sunny Robinson 6 years ago from Tennessee

Aww, I feel for you guys. And thehands, this is a great article, it really is. For some people, I would say it may be a case of wanting the forbidden fruit. On the other hand, like you said, the heart wants what the heart wants. Sometimes, you just cannot help who you fall in love with.

In my case, I landed myself square into a very complicated, sticky situation with a separated man who was in the process of divorce. And today, he is fully divorced and I am as in love with him as ever before. It's pretty wild what happens in this world. Despite the previous complications, things are wonderful now and I'm so lucky to have stuck it out with a perfectly wonderful man. Man, I'd have missed out on a lot if I hadn't sucked it up and professed my love.

Sincerely feeling for all of you in complicated situations of love,

Sunny.


RONA 6 years ago

THERE IS NO NEED FOR A RUSH. LESIBIANISM AS A PRACTIS IS MUCH MORE SOCIETAL THAN GENERIC. ITS JUST A MATTER OF TIME AND PROPER HANDLING, TALKING AS WELL AS TREATING. DO NOT SEGREGATE AS LONG AS YOUR INTENSTIONS ARE RIGHT AND YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED IN JUST HAVING A FLING. YOU CAN ALWAYS SHARE SOMETHING WITH EACH OTHER FOR A REASON


thehands profile image

thehands 6 years ago Author

@Rona

Actually, I pretty much disagree with you. I think that when it comes to most people, they are born with their sexual preferences, or at the very least with a huge pre-disposition to them, as this seems to be what the little science there is about it implies. (Though from what I've seen, it is not implied that it is "genetic" as you say [as in inherited or in the DNA somehow], technically. Just pre-natal at the very least.)

Even then, science aside, anecdotally, if lesbianism was "societal," then why does "society" breed some women as lesbians and not others? And why can two women in the same environment, even with the same home life, have a vastly different sexual orientation? Why is it that identical twins so frequently share the same orientation, but normal siblings don't?

There has to be some event before birth that causes this. It's just silly to say it's all or even "mostly" societal. People aren't born entirely blank slates with no pre-dispositions; there is baggage acquired about all sorts of things not just from genes, but from events that occur in the womb.

Now, having said that, I think women appear (and this is just my own B.S. theory) more sexually fluid than men. BUT, when I say this, it's with acknowledging that this mostly applies to girls who say they are "straight," but really aren't entirely. Not so much the other way around, for reasons I observed that I needn't get into


Sunny Robinson profile image

Sunny Robinson 6 years ago from Tennessee

Personally, I feel that all of this is irrelevant. In one of my hubs, I mentioned that, in almost all of history of animal kingdom and human race, sexuality is according to the needs and size of a group.


Rose Ella Morton profile image

Rose Ella Morton 6 years ago from Beverly Hills, Michigan

If your are feeling something, believe me she is to. Don't sweat it, just see were it leads. But be man enough to get over it, if doesn't work. Either you will lead or summit.


ryan 6 years ago

Thanks for this wonderful article; it makes feel not so alone! One of my housemates this year is actually a lesbian, and the more I spend time with her, the deeper I fall for her. She has mentioned that she dated a really good guy friend of hers for a year before, but soon realized that she liked women more. I'm not sure what that says about my chances with her. There are days when I really wish I could be with her, like a couple, but then there are days I'm just happy we're really close friends. We both talked about how we're having a bromance because of just how close we are, and how we can talk about personal things. I just really like her, and I don't know if I should risk our friendship to tell her how I really feel about her.


Mr Unlucky in love 6 years ago

i have known a lesbian for over a year now, we became good friends over that time, however i started to have feelings for her, and 8 months ago i started to like her and have not thought about anything or anyone else but her. however she was in a relationship, and my whatever i felt for her, she felt that for someone else (a girl), and was with her, so i left it. when she had problems with her partner, not knowing how i felt about her, she told me her problems, and with a heavy heart i told her to do whatever her partner wants as she would be happy. but they broke up recently, and i still left it as she was really down, but a month after she broke up she mentioned to me that another lesbian is after her, my face dropped right in front of her, and she noticed my changed attitude. she got really annoyed at my behaviour, and i decided to confess all to her, and asked to meet her, but she figured it out and told me over a text that i am only a mate and she is gay. since then i have tried to be mates with her, but she has not spoke to me other than when i initiate a converstaion with her. i have been in relationships with other women, but have never felt like i do for her, and i am not sure whether i will feel like i do for her for anyone else. some people say i only fell for her as she was 'forbidden fruit' but i know my feelings are genuine. i have lost a friend, who i would do anything for, and am very down atm, but on the other hand i found out that i gave her importance than she gave me. i'm just gutted that she won't speak to me about it,or just tell me that we should not talk rather than just ignore me.


TheMMAZone profile image

TheMMAZone 6 years ago from Kansas

mmm... I have never thought of this issue before. I found it very interesting. Thanks,


clown 6 years ago

I'm in this situation also, I've been in love with a lesbian and it's so hard to take away what i feel for her. Our world is miles apart, and i can't find a way to be with her or even make us friends. She was once my classmate in our history class and now i don't see her anymore..one day,someone told her that i like her. she even ask my name from my friend and i don't have any idea how she reacts when she found out that it's me, the guy that she always caught looking at her and after that when we see each other she avoids me(i don't know why). I want to tell her I love her but couldn't find enough courage to make it..but I'm still hoping that one day, when we meet again i could confess what i feel for her.


Radical 6 years ago

My girlfriend used to be 100% Lesbian. I can tell you with great confidence that she left her girlfriend for me. How did I do it?; I think like a woman. I use reverse psychology, and of course a great deal of manipulation. Would she ever go back to be a lesbian?;maybe, but the most relevant thing is that, judging my experience, a lesbian can become straight, even if it is momentarily;my girlfriend did :)


thehands profile image

thehands 6 years ago Author

@Radical:

Uh...manipulation? If someone likes you, they like you; I hardly think you can make them like you, unless you're very disingenuous and they're very gullible. But, then, why would you want to be with a girl like that in the first place, one that was easily influenced?


SEXYLADYDEE profile image

SEXYLADYDEE 6 years ago from Upstate NY

Very interesting hub. When I first saw the blurb I didn't realize it was written by a male. Some of the answers you have given were long enough to be new hubs. People should ask questions. Good information, good writing, looking forward to your take on more...Dee


Jasmine JellyBaby 6 years ago

I fell for a gay guy once and "got it over with" After i slept with him I realised he really was gay as he didn't do it for me!! nice hub hun xx


Cheeky Girl profile image

Cheeky Girl 6 years ago from UK and Nerujenia

Great hub. I enjoyed this immensely. Bromance happens. It's cool. Wonder about your view on bi women...?


mhodges23 profile image

mhodges23 6 years ago

Doesn't it really just boil down to the age old saying, you want what you can't have. I think the real question would be, why did you fall in love with her to begin with. The fact that you knew she was unatainable could have possibly been what caused you to see past physical and penial distractions, and allowed you to develop a friendship with a woman and really get to know all the things about her that would truly make someone love her. In my experience, lesbian women are usually pretty upfront if they would ever consider being with a man. My advice, use the exerience and learn from it. Try learning about and developing a friendship with a straight woman, with the same expectations you had for your lesbian friend, before you even ask her out. By the way, I love your hub, it was wity and funny and engaging. Kept me reading to the end!


sam 6 years ago

I don't have long hair or wear dresses; does that mean I'll never find a girlfriend?

(I'm a girl.) (Usually.)


thehands profile image

thehands 6 years ago Author

@Sam:

Do you mean that you usually don't wear dresses or that you're usually a girl? :P

Either way, I think anyone can find a girlfriend who matches them.


I Think I'm a Lesbro  6 years ago

Great I think they are trying to recruit me to become a Lesbro. Wasn't aware of this term till I just read it here.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

I, personally, believe we are not in charge when it comes to a choice in sexuality. I believe the hormonal influences in utero, predominately estrogen or testosterone, determines our choice in partners. Experimentation aside, a female can fake it with a man, but to what end? Generally, in terms of "to thine own self, be true" any individual will choose their own personal path to happiness. I would be very suspect of a man that professed to be gay, but said he wanted me and vis-a-vis. A real trust buster. eh?


A dumb guy 6 years ago

I feel your pain @permastoke. I have been in a psuedo-relationship with a lesbian for almost a year now, and it sound very familiar to yours. We both tell each other we love each other, we spend almost every waking moment with each other, heck we've even discussed having kids with each other, but at the end of the day she would rather hook up with a random chick and kick her to the curb the next morning. We've kissed, and almost had sex a few times. We used to sleep together and cuddle all the time, but not recently. We fight like a straight couple, her dad even thinks I'm her boyfriend, and introduces me as such at family functions, which I've become a regular at.

It is certainly very emotionally trying, as this girl truly means the world to me. I get insanely jealous at times, especially when she talks about ex-boyfriends, but I'm at a point now where I don't know where to go with it.

She is afraid sex will ruin the relationship that we have, and I'm afraid that without it, I'll end up turning somewhere else, and potentially devoting less time to her and more time to other girls.

At the end of the day though, I know the truth, we aren't going to be together, I mean, we may be together 6 out of 7 days of the week, but she is just more interested in sex with girls.

The funny thing is, she's not interested in a relationship with a girl, just sex, but she is not attracted to men right now, maybe she never will be again.

Anyway, just wanted to say, you're not alone, and I know how hard this type of thing can be.

Signed,

Another dumb guy who fell for the wrong girl


Heather 6 years ago

It's all about the approach.

I'm gay, and I must admit I've been fliting with a friend of mine for a while now. Just mildly. But then we got drunk, he told me he'd been in love with me for a year, and we ended up making out. I'm not at all awkward about it, we talk about it openly and it's fine. I eventually realised I'd been kinda leading him on unknowingly and apologised, and we've remained close friends.

So yes, number three doesn't always spell disaster for your relationship, but beware!


poonamhubshere profile image

poonamhubshere 6 years ago from New York City

Wow! You are a guy! And I am a lesbian who is deeply, I mean deeply moved (I laughed, I cried) by your article.

I myself have been involved in this ouchy affair a few times. Boys are part of my world and so they get close and sometimes get feelings. Each time it ended quite differently.

Your article is as true as it is funny. My very good friend T was with women when I met her. I never realized she was bi. Well when she fell in love with her husband of now 10 years, the lesbians fled from her. Not all of course. I'm still there and so are a few others.

But yes, its painful stuff all around.

That is why its good to laugh about it and allow it to be unjudged.


Archer 5 years ago

Really great article. I had an opposite but similar experience with someone.

My (now ex) girlfriend was (an maybe still is) bi and we dated, made out, had sex, all that, for about 4 months, until about a month ago she told me that she might (keyword) be lesbian and prefers women. So, as a result, we split up.

The problem here is, I'm still obviously in love with her, as our relationship had always be great without problems other than this single one. However, she did mention many times during our relationship that she wouldn't be with any man but me, but would consider women.

I really do appreciate this article, as it helps to hear others with similar experiences.


shanem386 5 years ago

I met a girl in a bad relationship with a Guy, immediately fell for her. She kicks him out, and before I even have a chance, starts a relationship with a girl. Long story short, that relationship was even worse, and its over now.

Before it ended, I became friends with her, we're best friends now. It used to not be a problem to hear about her conquests and other confidences, but now that I'm head over heels for her, its unbearable.

She's gay, pretty much totally, so I don't expect a shot. She knows how I feel, I've told her drunk, and I told her two days ago in a long email, to which she replied that I deserved a real response when she had the time to make one. At this point, I wish she would just reply and break my heart and prove there's no hope. I know there isn't, but I'm so heartsick I can't get the idea out of my head. Her friendship is very important to me, I just wish I could leave it at that, but I don't see how unless she devastates me, or I fall for someone else. I've lost almost 15lbs since the lovesick part started.

Oh, and here's the kicker, her closest other friend is a lesbro just like me. I like him a lot, we're good friends, but now I have jealousy from all sides to deal with, lol.


another another some guy 5 years ago

I'm in the same sticky situation as many above. Worse though, I'm travelling with her on a multi-month trip. I wasn't in love with her at all when we left, just thought she was good-looking. But as the days went by, I started thinking only about her and not any more about myself. I wanted to share her life, wanted to be with her, and stopped caring for other girls.

I appreciate that she is a lesbian (and currently with a girlfriend too, however remote she is). But she occasionally mentions that she thinks this or that guy is attractive. That broad-shouldered man, I like that. But she is adamant that she's a lesbian and only loyal to her current girlfriend.

Because she is good-looking, the men we meet on this trip get very chatty with her and when the booze comes in, I find her sometimes with a man's arm wrapped around her. Nothing else happens though, but it makes me furious and jealous, and I'm afraid that at some point and with some more booze and fun going around, something else might happen and I'll be double-destroyed because she didn't "betray her species" with me.

She thinks I'm attractive ("for a man"), but I'm not sure if she says so to ease my insecurity (which I've developed by unreciprocatedly loving her) or if she really means it. I'm nowhere near a broad-shouldered man.

After one of those nights where a man hugged her, I've told her that I have trouble handling that because I find her attractive. She responded by saying that her loyalty is completely with her girlfriend though.

I'm not sure if I fucked it up and it's hard to get over it when you're travelling together. Also it left me wondering over whether men and women actually can be friends without being sexually attracted.


Wonderboi 5 years ago

I am in this situation right now!!

My best friend for many years, the most wonderful girl in the world, is now my very lesbian girlfriend.

(I am a man...)

We grew so close it was impossible to go through a day without talking. The best of friends, telling each other everything.

I chose to tell her.

That she is the one for me. And that I loved her beyond words, even if she was as lesbian as they come.

We tried the whole cuddly snuggly stuff but she never felt right about it. It wasn't her.

Then one day while we are outside smoking she sits down and says to me "my life is completely crazy, I can only fall for girls - and one boy".

It would take over half a year before we had any kind of sexual relationship, and that still comes and goes in waves for her.

Sometimes she is terribly confused about her sexuality and really wants a girlfriend. I even encouraged her to go that way again, but it never worked for her.

She can't live without me. And sometimes I am worried it will tear her apart.

She has fought society for a lifetime to accept her, and then I walze into her life and prove HER wrong.

It is NOT easy on her, but she tells me more than often that she cannot really argue with her heart

"It fell for you, I don't know how but it did. And I don't ever wanna be without you".

I guess that says it all.

At the end of the day we manage.

I am not saying it is easy, but we manage. I love her and she loves me right back. The key is to be there for each other, and accept whatever comes our way.

She really is my world, and we have gone through a lot together. I'd do just about anything for this girl - including letting her go.

I don't think women are more "fluent" with their sexuality. But I do believe in making one's feelings known to others. It is just fair.

Always in favor of taking that chance, it might - it just might - work out well for everyone.

We have been together for so long now that time has come for me to do the inevitable.

I will ask her the ultimate question very soon - when the time is juuuuuust right.

Let me know if you wanna know how that turns out.... ;-)


tragicromantic17 profile image

tragicromantic17 5 years ago

I really feel helpless, I'm in love with, I think, a lesbian. She hasn't outed yet, though the signs are there. Does anyone else have any advice? I left my girlfriend to try and be with this woman who turns out to be a lesbian... I don't know what to do anymore, I'm madly in love with her... The advice written here are hard to swallow, and I'm not chasing her for selfish sexual reasons, I'm really in love. It would really break my heart, and I really really want this to turn out fine... I sound like a whiny pre-pubescent kid now but, this is how I feel... She's my friend and bandmate... I don't know what else to do..........


Nicole1963 profile image

Nicole1963 5 years ago from Silverdale, WA

I found your hub to be amusing and your various options available to approach a lesbian you are in love with to be quite light hearted and even at times a bit entertaining in their simplicity. I do agree that sexuality among many individuals often appears quite fluent. However, those that subscribe to fluidity between the genders would be actually deemed bisexual or even pansexual. They do not subscribe to any specific norm when it comes to sexual orientation and freely move from male to female and all points in between.

However, when a woman announces herself as a lesbian or a man as gay they are not stating that well if things go right I have no problem switching teams so to say. Rather when one considers the lesbian and gay male they are as secure and set in their desire and attraction for the same sex as staunch heterosexuals are to the opposite. Everyone else as a result of definitions fall outside the lesbian and gay category. Personally I hate categories and detest that society uses them at all. Unfortunately they do exist and correspond to a specific definition as well.

Anyway all your theory aside there is one thing that you posted that I must take issue with. A responder asked how would you like it if a gay male who knew you were straight just ignored you declaration of heterosexuality and proceeded to hit on you. I add the further distinction that what if possible a number of your other male friends became aware of this attraction and proposal. You were polite and said I would just politely say I am not interested and that would be that. Then you made the following comment.

“But I wouldn't be unkind to him or react badly. I don't know what guys you have encountered, but any man (and hopefully any woman!) with a reasonable maturity level wouldn't get angry over something like that.”

Are you kidding me where do you live a bubble? I reside in a very gay friendly area yet even here many heterosexuals would respond in anger and even possibly resort to violence. I originally grew up in a heavily industrialized area in the great lakes region and know that if the situation took place there a large majority of the time the response would include violence. Please do not be so naïve as to believe that the act of a homosexual approaching a heterosexual individual is looked upon lightly. Quite often these same types of individuals utter foolish comments like “I have nothing against gays as long as they just keep it to themselves. These are all too often not empty threats or declarations.

So please feel free to approach lesbians if you choose to but I beg of you please spare us the whitewashed version of gays and lesbians are treated with equality and understanding and that heterosexuals would never consider reacting toxically towards a gay or lesbian approach.


Fortadam profile image

Fortadam 5 years ago from Portland Oregon

@Nicole1963

Move to Portland Oregon. Here everyone gets along just fine. I'm a straight man who is hit on all the time by gay men. I respond to it the same as if a girl I wasn't interested in hit on me. I tell them I'm flattered, but not interested. Nuff said. It's only people who choose to make a distinction between those with sexual orientation that have a problem.

@thehands

Voted up. Great post :)!


Anonymous 5 years ago

After reading all of these post, it is clear to me that our egoic mind desires and covets what it believes is hard to attain or could not be attained at all. Be honest and become the observer of your mind and think "Would I like person just as much if she was not a lesbian"? The answer would probably be know, because knowing that she is either more conquerable, or knowing where her intentions lie sexually leaves you without the same level of excitement.

I must say that I went to this blog initially thinking the same thing about a girl, but I see we all have the same thoughts about this "girl" because she's a lesbian, and less about who she is as a person.


Good old fashion lover boy 5 years ago

I would like to start off by saying thank you for this article it really helped me out. I recently just told a girl(lesbian) Ive had a crush on her since we've meet. I'm in highschool and I know the word "love" is thrown around carelessly l, but I have feelngs for her she's smart, beautiful, laid-back, kind, and mature. She has a girlfriend soooooo i know our realationship won't florish, and I'm alittle upset by that but I'm sure i'll get over it. I haven't seen her since I told her and I pray it won't be akward but I have a feeling things might get sticky cause I'm not use to rejection by girls. Were goin to prom as friends and I joke with that I plan on getting with her but she blows it off, and she's had past realtionships with guys(only hook ups I think) and I'm honestly not just tryng to get lucky. When I told her I liked her, she simply stated she was flattered that I told her and she already knew. I guess I'll just have to man up and accept noting will happen, but I thank you for speeding up my work day and giving me advice. Also I enjoyed reading th comments :)


Astra Nomik profile image

Astra Nomik 5 years ago from Edge of Reality and Known Space

Guys do fall for lesbians. Some are not sure about their own orientation and find it easier to talk to a woman than a guy, for rather obvious reasons. I thoroughly enjoyed this hub. The comments are just great. Guys will be guys. And girls will be girls.


frank p 5 years ago

iam a nice guy who wants to meet a nice women but the trouble is that there are to many lesbians out there and the ones that like men are whores because they can not stay with one guy i can easily be a one woman man if i found the right one i believe that i am too good thats why i am having a hard time finding one


straightguyinlove 5 years ago

Not only am I in love with a woman who is in a Lesbian Marriage. I am having a "fling" with her...I would even go as far to say that it is a "love affair." The feelings between us are mutual. It's not about "gay" or "straight" or any other label you want to put on it. It's about two hearts meeting. The heart cannot help falling in love. BUT...the problem is that we are both married, and I don't think Ill ever be able to truly be with this woman. So my heart will ache for her. I have accepted that I will go through the rest of my life yearning for this amazing person who I have fallen in love with. I dont think my marriage will work out, and Im ok with that as well. I am also ok with being alone for the rest of my life because I will never long for another human being again, other than this woman who has climbed into my heart.


mojefballa profile image

mojefballa 5 years ago from Nigeria

Great article which serve as an excellent advice to all hubbers in case if they walk in to such trap as a may call it.


FOREX NINJA profile image

FOREX NINJA 5 years ago

Nice article which is also an excellent piece of advice to we all.


bitterlyblue 5 years ago

I don't know if all of it is good advice, but at least it's a fun read and helps to know I'm not the only one running into this stupid situation.

In my case it's a girl I've known for some years now (we are in a band together) and she always had a way of making me feel insecure, but during the last 1/2 year I kind allowed myself liking her more than I should have (additional obstacle: I am not single...). I am trying to fight it but it keeps coming back. Sometimes I think she might be attracted to me as well as she keeps sending out little signals, but then I think she is on the very safe side and probably is just joking and not really knowing how it feels for me. It's so damn hard to deal with this. Everything tells me to get that thought out of my head as quick as possible, but I just can't.....


pat 5 years ago

i am in love with my lesbean friend!!!i am going crazy inside!!!


bitterlyblue 5 years ago

Oh man, it's not getting better. It's going on for months now and I just cannot get out of it. Can't stop thinking about it, can't talk to my friends about it (how fast can you spell Pandora's box....), can't sleep, can't behave normally when we meet, it's like I'm losing my mind. Oh wait, that's a Liza Minelli-Song that totally fits here....

And if that all wasn't stupid enough: She doesn't like guys and I am not single. Damn, what did I run into?!?!?


ConfusedGirl 5 years ago

Fantastic article! I could relate to it since I am in a similar situation, but I'm a girl who fell for a gay guy... I met him at university, he's 2 years older than me and in a long-term relationship with one of my best friends. The weird thing is that I absolutely love seeing them together, they're the cutest couple. But the one I'm in love with... he's very flirty with girls and that just makes me go insane.

We always fool around, he's sweet and flirty with me as well. He even told me I'm one of the prettiest girls he's ever met, and tried to kiss me a couple of times when he was drunk. When he's sober it's just like nothing ever happened and he tries so hard to prove his homosexuality to me that it makes me feel like an obsessed stalker. I know this is going nowhere and that I'm wasting the best years of my life on a nonreciprocating love, that we'll never be more than friends, but it's so hard to let it go. He's everything I've always looked for in a guy and whenever I decide it's time to get this over with, he does something that pulls me back to him. I've never had the guts to tell him about my feelings for him, mainly because I'm such good friends with his partner.

I'm somehow more at ease now that I found out men have problems and insecurities as I do... :)


red 5 years ago

dont we all read the bible dont forget the reasons why god flooded the world


Zatoichi 5 years ago

i am a man. my girlfriend used to be in a relationship with a girl for many years. could you say she is/was a lesbian? only she knows that answer... an elitist would probably say she wasn't a "true" lesbian, what ever... she was single at the time, it was simple - i asked her out first tchance i got, after the first sentence she said to me when i was alone with her. as boy friend and girl friend? i wasn't clear on that, i just played it cool.

i have known my lady since childhood, more than 20 years - so i am at a supreme advantage. but now, we are madly in love, it is a mutual and steady relationship - we are the world to each other. i believe that two hearts do fall in love, no matter what their genders are.

hetero/homo - they are just distinctions of sexual preferences, basically labels - with that said; either one of these preferences are natural. we only have men, and woman. but would i be elitist hetero to say that only a man and a woman can procreate? that is natural too.

when i knew i was in love with my girlfriend, sexual preferences in the cognitive sense went (excuse the pun) straight out the window. i knew she liked girls, at the time - she still liked girls at the time. but all i did was tell her how i really felt about her, and that i love her; and she told me that she love me too.

i was all in from the start. believe me, it is better being straight up and telling them how you feel as soon as you get that feeling, and if it is mutual, they feel it too, then you will win. if they don't feel it, then you can wait until they feel it too. but, eventually you have to tell them no matter what, espeacially if you are in love with them, because if you fall in love with someone and they don't know about it - it is pointless being in love at all; and ultimately you will get hurt.

you have to capture that moment of the love heart forming and lock it in by saying you love them, otherwise you will fail. even lesbians are sentimental, i believe all woman are in fact - that's why it so important. if they are not interested, you will get hurt no matter what, but if you are hurt ealier and its in evitable, you will heal quicker. plus you could be spending time on someone sooner than later, someone that is worth it.

the fact that she liked girls didn't phase me in the slightest. i even forgot about it, i was just being my self. if i didn't respect the way she felt, it is plain and simple, she wouldn't be with me at all - but she is. i never forced or manipulated anything upon her - it just happened... most of all, we understand each other. you have to prove and keep proving and never stop proving that you are better than anyone that they have ever been with, male or female....

this can happen to anyone, of any orientation. i believe anyone can be attracted to anyone. everyone questions their own sexual orientation in their lifetimes. i believe you should be able to choose your preferences for man or woman at any given time. if you want to up hold your "standards" then good for you, it is completely up to you, and that's not bad either.

what i find offensive is when any hetero or homo person is saying their orientation is better than the other. most of the time the hetero are demonised - known as gay/lesbian hater; and the homos are oppressed - and you will always almost always offend one because you said one little word that wasn't political correct enough. please both get over it, we are human beings and we all have the power. there are many great gay and straight people around the world, this proves our equality. without this recognition you will always be a victim.

this is just my experiences. call me arrogant if you like. peace....


bitterlyblue 5 years ago

@Zatoichi

Thanks bro! I can relate to quite a lot you mention, about my own & others sexuality and ultimately about the being-honest-about-the-falling-in-love-thing. I keep coming back to this hub for I don't know what because the situation I'm in has not resolved for more than half a year now and I think It's time to raise the white flag and just tell her. If at least for our friendship's sake.....


brainycat 5 years ago

thanks for the hub. Back in school, i met this girl. we got on really well, although we had different friends, we were both like the black sheep, so i began to fancy her. By xmas time we found out we both had depression, and we told each other our deepest secrets. I told her about how i have emotionally and physically abusive parents, been raped by my first friend many times (he was male and years older then me), and that I had tried to commit suicide. Her secret however was that she fancied a female teacher. Well at first it hurt me, but i was supportive. then we got each others phone numbers, and we were texting each other every day, whether it be about depression,music or just anything- we had so much in common including our sense of humor. the only problem was because we knew each others secrets, it was really awkward when we met up in person. and by February i realized i loved her. so i told her, through text. however she wished i didn't tell her, and we almost lost our friendship, but eventually after 2-3 weeks we started talking again. she tried committing suicide and her self harming was very bad, her therapist dropped her, and she avoided her antidepressants . i was the only one to talk her out of suicide, convince her to take her medication, calm down her self harming, and i became the main person to help her. she even went on about how amazing, caring and generous i was, but it was all in fait trade as she tried to help me with my depression. I kind of felt that her teacher crush was just a one off, or that she was bi, but then one day she would fall for me. it took me all the way until end of may until we met up in person- it was a couple of weeks before her birthday and i gave her a home made card and my most sentimental item. we hugged- our first time we touched, and it meant a lot to me. well now in june, we were talking , and she asked whether i always knew i was straight, and i told her , because of the rape i had a grudge against gays, but now im older ive learnt to accept them. then curious regarding her secret i asked her whether she thinks shes straight, bi or gay. she responded that she thinks shes gay but she isn't sure- the only crush shes had is on the teacher. later on in the conversation, i asked what age she would want kids, and she said she never wants kids. and after talking on that topic, she said "thats the good thing about being a lesbian- you cant accidently get preganant while having sex" well because that kind of hurt i said "i suppose it has its pros." and changed conversation. we then went on to talk about my past crushes, which led to me saying im only into long term relationships, and her responding she is into neither. eventually i said she should try it even if its short term just to know what it feels like. she said easier said then done. but that was quite a painful conversation, as i love her all the same, and she is my best friend. i respect her, and i dont expect her to change her sexual orientation , for me. but the fact that she said she isn't sure if shes gay, just makes me even more confused , and as time goes by, the closer we get. i suppose i am already a lesbro, but ive already confessed my feelings. she means so much too me, and i know its wrong but helping her get better, is my only motivation to live. i really dont know anymore, i defiantly wont drop her as a friend, but it still hurts to not be with her. i dont know how i am going to manage when she gets in a relationship. but part of me hopes she might fall for me one day...


ajc1337 5 years ago

I'm glad I found this, I have pretty much the same problem, and though its probably going to sound stupid, here it goes.

I've known this girl for a few years (I'm a guy btw) and she has never gone out with a guy(or girl), although there have been people interested. That being said, she has not confessed to being a lesbian, so no one knows whether she is a late developer or not into men.

Anyway, we were really close friends last year, and I asked her out, which...she said yes to, thinking of us as still friends, as she is a bit dense with these things. It didn't end well, and we didn't speak for a while, but since January we've been spending alot of time together, going on walks, getting lunch, etc, and I know she considers me one of her best friends.

I care so much about her, but I'm worried if I ask her it will ruin our friendship and hurt her. A couple of my friends think she is lesbian, and sort of used me ask a guinea pig to see if my caring for her is making a difference, and some of my other friends swear that it's not possible.

I plan on supporting her regardless of who she is, because I know her and her family well enough that if she does come out and say she is lesbian, she'll probably need someone to talk to, but is there any suggestions or advice anyone can give?


Mel 5 years ago

I like some homosexual individuals I have met.

I m not homophobic and I respect all human. I don't agree with the "stamp" homophobic when someone dislike the "homo". Homo=same, opposite/different=hetero and "phobic"=scared so...why we call the ones who dislike "them" ..homophobics?

Except if they really are afraid of "homos" therefore let them express their opinion and through dialogue we can "show" them that there is nothing to afraid of. They have the very fundamental wright to their opinion!!

I have found sometimes some "hetero" they are not comfortable with the growing "fashion" or "inn" or "stylish" vague thing...of trying to become "by" that often leads to "homo". It is true after all that :"An action repeated becomes an attitude realized" and everything can be "Attitude" in life..yes even sex.

And why some fanatic homosexuals ..they want to smash the homophobics? Do they want to do the same for the arachnophobics or numerophobics?

Do those "homo dislikers" have the wright to their opinion?? Why they can say " I don't like broccoli ..or I don't like terrorists"

Why the homosexual .."lobby" is taking the human, democratic, constitutional right of people to express their opinion..their likes and dislikes??


helpless 5 years ago

I fell in love with a friend(tomboy) years ago. We got pretty close but at last it did not work out. And years later i fell in love with another tb and we r very very close too! I knew she is a total lesbian. I really hate myself for being in love with lesbian twice! I hope i can get over it soon BUT we see each other 5 days a week and over 8 hours per day!


Drew420 5 years ago

I'm in the same boat!

She asked for my number. She mentioned the Castro, and I said she should hit me up if she plans to go (not thinking she would).

A day or 2 later, she invited me to go (just her and I), and it was the fucking craziest night ever. Shots of tequila were the only thing cheap at QBar, so I bought us a round, and she bought like 5 more. In short we got ridiculously drunk (I was too nervous to kiss her btw).

Ever since then, she freakin' digs me. Before my flight I text, "May I take you out for dinner [when I get back]?" Her response shocked me, "Yes for sure!"

Out of the blue, while in WA, she text asking to hang. Then, "we shall hang when you get back!" and "we should collab on some art…"

At this point I'm like, WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN? I mean she's recently single, and she hasn't turned me down yet, so I'm curious if she's bi-curious, albeit dating gals prior.

I understand the odds of us dating are slim, but I'd love to tell her how I feel or ask if she likes me, but don't want to harm our friendship.

Dave says I should just tell her how I feel already. Jon and I disagree, So I'm curious what you think.


macteacher profile image

macteacher 5 years ago from New York

This was a very funny article. It addresses a common problem.I think men who fall for lesbians are the same as women who fall for gay men. For some reason, the unattainable has a great draw for people and it causes them great emotional pain. As a lesbian who's dated men in the distant past and who likes men as friends only - I can share my wisdom from the perspective of one who's seen it all.

Guys who fall for lesbians are emotionally unavailable for a real "straight" relationship.

Take it straight from the horse's mouth...lesbians don't do well in relationships with men. So even on the off chance that she might sleep with you a few times. That's all you're going to get. She can't feel for you the same way you feel for her. We're not wired that way, and no amount of wishing or hoping will make it so. Find a nice straight woman or bisexual woman who can love you back and stop wasting your time.


Scott 5 years ago

Wow! Great article....and some of the best advice I've had in a long time!


Johnson 5 years ago

"Sometimes the most attractive, confident girls who seem to lack all those feminine traits that annoy you and who seem to like all the same things you do, really do like all the same things you do."

That's good, cause I know I'd definitely give myself an HJ when there's nothing better to do. Time to find that lesbian when she wakes up at 2pm with nothing but me, a box of cheese-its, a laptop and some toilet paper (maybe some hand lotion) and I'm set!


Dylan McDermott 5 years ago

Unfortunately, I find myself in this situation.

End of the article really did it for me though, really summed shit up. I was friends with her for ages, and was really into her, because she wasn't like other girls, and we had so much in common and we got on so damn well.

Wanted to ask her out for years, but last year I started suspecting she was lesbian. Just a sort of mild suspicion in the back of my mind. Eventually asked her out, though it was at a bit of an awkward moment, we both had to get going, and she said she'd get back to me yadda yadda. Just a few days ago I found out she is a lesbian, im the third person shes told, the first guy.

I was happy for her at the time but its all catching up to me and I feel pretty shit, knowing I can never be with her. Hoping she may go straight for me or that its just a phase is basically me clutching at straws, but a guy can hope.

I just don't know what to do, or what to think.


apologetics profile image

apologetics 5 years ago

I'll tell her I love her so much that she would instantly become straight again.


5 years ago

I was hoping for some advice...

I am a 24 year old straight guy. I have met a girl who I am really falling for. The first time we met we kissed. A few weeks later I told her I quite liked her which was when she told me she had came out as gay before she left Sweden for the UK. I am really close friends with her now. We see each other all the time, and she tells me about her dates and we go to gaybars together and generally have a great time.

She told me a few weeks ago that she slept with a guy. It really hurt me because she knew that I really liked her. i said i have no right to tell you what to do because it is your life, but please do not tell me if you get with a guy because you know how I feel about you. She has respected that since.

My feelings for her keep getting stronger and stronger though and i am not sure what to do about it, because I do not want to lose her as a friend as well.

Any advice?


OfficiallyConfused 5 years ago

I can relate to this page (Which is great btw). I've known her for some months, started to like her after the first... she is really amazing - smart, gorgeous and soo much more.

We eventually started texting each other and stuff, which is how I told her. She respected my feelings, we continued as friends, talking about it every so often, its hard... I wish I could be with her.


Nunya Bizniss 5 years ago

As a lesbian reading this article, who has a male roommate who has a crush on me, let me break it down for you.

Lesbian = Not Into Penis, Not Into What Is Attached To Penis. Period. Stop trying.

And stop with the fakeass ish about "Well if a gay guy came on to ME, I'd understand and be all Mother Teresa about it" no you wouldn't. Let me make the analogy a little stronger for you guys.

Imagine an extremely unattractive 300-lb fat girl constantly coming on to you. Breathing her fat moist breath on you. Following you around.

THAT is what your obsessive staring, stalking and attention feel like to us.

Go away now.


Lesbro 2.9 5 years ago

Hi

Nice article. That said I am typing this while watching "Boogy Nights" with my lesbian wife and her gf.

How did this come to be. I known my wife for almost four years. We soon became friends. Overtime our friendship became closer. I also found out she was a lesbian. I recall she was nervious and told me. My reaction was to give her a hug and said "cool". She was happy and relieved I had no problems. We soon became best buddies, friends for life. We shared many simular goals and dreams in life. One day she said how eventually she wants to have kid and asked if I could help. I said yes and that I be honored. It's that what lead to idea of marriage. We were like WTF, what is marriage, we love eachother, have same goals in life, she even wants kid from be. So like why not get married. She just simply wasn't sexually attracted to penises but pussy. I joke to her I was same. Her gf was totally supportive. So now we are married. I respect her sexuality but we love eachother.

In end why I share this. Sex is great, but there is more to life than sex. And there is love which can include sex but separate.

Anycase gotta go. But in end it's possible. Key is be a friend a shoulder she can cry on


FromaLesbian 5 years ago

I can tell you as a lesbian that if the chick you're after is truly gay, she is never going to feel the same. You have two options: 1) Accept friendship as the only relationship you can have with her. or (if you can't handle choice 1) 2) Give up and move on with your life. Disclaimer: If she does go for you, she is bisexual and not gay. Peace.


Broseph 5 years ago

Your article helped loads thanks I've decided to just try and be friends for her which is hard because she flirts a lot in a friendly way. This has helped a lot :)


BBR 5 years ago

Love this article.....

My co-worker and I became the BEST of friends. We do things together as though we were a couple, minus the sex. We NEVER talked about her being gay, yet I've met a few of her other friends who are gay, and her ex-girlfriend, (whom she never introduced as..but I know they were a couple). We've kissed, but soon after that, she never kissed me again. She likes to grab my rear, prod and poke at me, playfully too. Problem for me is, I fell in love with her, and she knows it, but all she says to me is "AWWWW". If I ever mention any females that I may hangout with, she shows a some signs of jealousy, so I don't mention it at all, and neither does she if she is seeing someone. So, as CLOSE as we are, we NEVER talk about going out with other people...LOL. I am truly in love with her, but I need to get over that and keep her as my best friend, and am having a difficult time doing so, being that I work with her... I spoil her and enjoy it. What to do, oh what to do? Need extra advise...thanks!!!


You better run... 4 years ago

"My co-worker and I became the BEST of friends. We do things together as though we were a couple, minus the sex. We NEVER talked about her being gay, yet I've met a few of her other friends who are gay, and her ex-girlfriend, (whom she never introduced as..but I know they were a couple). We've kissed, but soon after that, she never kissed me again. She likes to grab my rear, prod and poke at me, playfully too. Problem for me is, I fell in love with her, and she knows it, but all she says to me is "AWWWW". If I ever mention any females that I may hangout with, she shows a some signs of jealousy, so I don't mention it at all, and neither does she if she is seeing someone. So, as CLOSE as we are, we NEVER talk about going out with other people...LOL. I am truly in love with her, but I need to get over that and keep her as my best friend, and am having a difficult time doing so, being that I work with her... I spoil her and enjoy it. What to do, oh what to do? Need extra advise...thanks!!!"

Dude... That's basically my story in a nutshell. However we did get intimately involved.

RUN bruv, just run... If you are that over her, its best you just stay friends. If you know you can't, which I'm assuming you can't, drop it like its hot.

My situation got god damn hairy... It always ends badly, you always have the worry of when she'll turn, not only that, you now know she has 2 preferences which means 2 types of competition; men and women... The odds are stacked against you. Especially if she keeps in contact with her ex. Oh and remember this; If she can do that to her current girlfriend by cheating on her with you, what's stopping her from doing it to you?

Her friends are the ones you have to worry about as well. They'll fill her mind with all sorts of BS. She has gone against her "species" so to say so they wont condone it even if you are an amazing guy and you treat her right. It sucks but that's just how it is.

The girl I was with was in an abusive relationship, and her girlfriend lived with her. She broke up with the girl to be with me and she made her leave her house. This chick went off her rocker and threatened me. Long story short she broke up with me not long after we were together, because of things going wrong in her ex's life, the girl eventually moved back in. We were still hooking up all the time after, just not outside of work. This went on for about 5 months.

I was in love with her too, but she was getting the best of both worlds and f**ing with my mind and heart in the process. I was the first guy in 4 years that she gave herself to when we were together, so I have no doubt she had at one stage some type of feelings for me, but it wasn't enough to keep us together.

These types of women usually come with serious baggage that you will have have to bare on your shoulders without any guarantee's of having a future with her. The girl I was with has a history of issues haunting her, which she'll never show or admit. I love her, we were the best of friends before we were together, and if you love her too its best you let her go. (this is only the tip of the iceberg that is my story) Save yourself the hurt man, believe me. It's not worth it. If you feel you can save the friendship then by all means... But who are you kidding? Right...

I am actually moving jobs because of it, well not exactly but it is one of the main reasons I am leaving.

Goodluck man, use it... don't use it.


straight man 4 years ago

women that are lesbians, will just go with other women. but as a straight man myself, it is hard meeting women for me. i can easily be attracted to a lesbian that is very hot looking, but i know i could not meet her because she would want to be with another woman instead. if your a man that can make a lesbian fall in love with you, much more power to you.


sad guy 4 years ago

I won't go into my story, it has been touched above by other posters. A key point was that I asked her directly what her sexual preference was and she said at the time it depended on the person and not their sex, ie bisexual. The problem is she says we both can be friends and just see where that goes but I she has let me down on a few occasions and I don't think this is how anyone would treat a friend.

I feel that at the very least I need her as a friend, and hopefully a close friend one day. The problem is that I feel she is not comfortable and maybe really a lesbian. Another problem is that she is too polite because she knows how I feel, I stupidly told her my feelings up front.

I read of other examples of this situation in the postings here, but in my immediate environment I still feel very much alone. I think that one of the problems for me is that I come from an artist background and always believed in the fluidity of people on many levels. But maybe that does not exist.


bitterlyblue 4 years ago

To the above (you better run....). Yep, I should have run.

We spent a whole year getting pretty close, going on vacation, and some intimacy (equally initiated by both of us). She sent a lot of encouraging signals ("I could imagine living with a guy if it works really well" and similar stuff); a lot of times we have been perceived as a couple by other people, so we were obviously very close. Lately she met another woman and I could not hide that I am hurt and finally confessed. She tells me that although she feels comfortable around me like only in her deepest relationships in the past it's not possible because it would turn her world and everything she fought for in the past upside down. I haven't felt this heartbroken for 15 years; I totally forgot how bad this feels. And the worst thing is that I ruined some other personal relationships over this.

I should have run, indeed.......


GoingInsane 4 years ago

well i guess this has become a quite common thing and these stories because yes i have also fallen in love with a lesbian

when we met i honestly had no idea that she was a lesbian and being the guy that i am i started talking to her because she was pretty cute. we ended up becoming really good friends and started talking constantly on a daily basis so eventually i asked for her number and thought everything was going great and i finally got an amazing girl i would love to spend my life with. well that is where i was wrong, later on that day after i got her number a friend of mine told me she was a lesbian so naturally i asked her about it and it turned out to be true. now because of the feelings that i had for her i was devistated and didn't react to it very well and probably came across that i didn't accept who she was. after trying to sleep it off (which ended up failing) i texted her telling her that i need to talk to her tomarrow and being the nice girl she is she did agree to meet me where i confessed how i felt about her and asked her if she was ok with that. to my surprise she comes back and replies asking if i was ok with it and i just felt so.. heart wrenched. we ended up getting past that scenerio very well and became best friends and we talk to each other about everything, we have even considered moving out into an apartment together. i love her to death and she means everything to me but this is just getting so hard and the closer we get the more i love her and the more i need her in my life


bitterlyblue 4 years ago

@goinginsane: be wiser than I am and try to pull out. Sounds rather similar to what I went through (we even had that "we could move in together"-talk) and in the end I was the heartbroken one. In my case she was not that clear and on some occasions even indicated it might be going somewhere, whereas in your case she seems to have been pretty clear. So all I can tell you is: always repeat in your head what she said to you about being OK with it and ask yourself if you really can. If not: pull out asap. I know it hurts, either way......


GoingInsane 4 years ago

now here is the kicker she is just mostly gay. she has said that she has wanted to TRY it with a dude (before i met her of course) but when it came down to it she backed down out of it. i guess that is just the little hope i will be hanging on to and who knows sleeping in the same bed can spark feelings with somebody.

either way letting go of her will be pretty much impossible unless something horrible happens between us and she has helped me get through a lot of other things.


VegasBaby 4 years ago

I am a lesbian and I'm going to speak from the heart on this matter.

I am a 5 on the Kinsey scale. If you don't know what that is, it's a scale numbered from 0 to 6. 0 is completely straight, 3 is pure bisexual and 6 is completely homosexual.

I'm going to tell you my story and hope that it helps you understand why some lesbians can SOMEWHAT fall for a man.

I am 30 years old, have had exactly (I counted them) 14 different MALE sex partners and several dozen sex acts with those men. I've had 2 girlfriends. To anyone looking at my life from the outside, I would appear to be a straight woman who had a couple of flings with women. Nothing can be farther from the truth. I am a lesbian.

So, why did I have sex and even date these men? Emotions and determination to be heterosexual can be a bitch. I knew I was gay since I was 13. I started dating and having sex with guys and did not stop until I was in my mid 20's. I knew I was gay the entire time. My reasons:

1. Heterosexuality has it's privileges. I was terrified to let a woman know how I felt about her, yet I was still lonely. Anytime a guy asked me out, I said "yes". I was far too afraid of the repercussions of being seen as gay (DADT). I was attempting to cling to any shred of heterosexuality that I could find.

2. I love guys. Yep, nearly every close friend I've ever had was a guy. We get along great and have so much in common. Who wouldn't want to spend lots of time with people they get along with so easily? Who wouldn't want to attempt making a life with someone with whom they have nearly everything in common?

3. I was convinced for quite some time that if I kept having sex with guys, I'd find one that I liked having sex with. I was tenacious, persistent and patient. It did NOT work. I was a mad scientist alchemist attempting to turn affection into lust. I'd have been better off at try to turn aluminum foil into platinum.

Looks and emotions can be very deceiving and confusing. There is a huge difference between loving someone and falling in love with someone. I thought that my ability to love men and be their friend would somehow lead to falling in love with one. I worked off of that false assumption and wasted my time and a lot of men's time as well.

That is the difference in my feelings for men and women. I fall head over heels in love with women. I can't eat or sleep or function properly. While I do love men, they have never given me that feeling. I like to hug and cuddle with men, but, I'm incapable of needing a man like I need a woman. I realize that I put out a lot of bad signals that would lead anyone to believe that I was straight. Hindsight is 20/20. Truth be told, if it wasn't for meeting another lesbian that came on to me, I'd likely still be up to those hurtful shenanigans.

I know now, that I will never attempt another relationship with a man. The differences are so clear to me that I look back in hindsight and marvel at the ignorance of my teen and adolescent years.

I'm not the first lesbian that has done that and I won't be the last. So, the moral of the story is that a lesbian can love you, but, she can't fall in love with you. It takes some of us decades to come to this conclusion.

Peace XOXO


sheturnedmearound 4 years ago

We were each others' first lesbian relationship. She came out of a long term relationship with her (male) childhood sweetheart. She kissed the ground I walked on. She adored me and I eventually capitulated. It was bliss for 1 1/2 year. We used to do everything together and life was good. We loved the person, regardless of gender.

Then, she felt her emotional needs were not being met (I was not out to everyone, so she must have felt I disrespected her by keeping her a secret). Five months ago she left me for a male co-worker who had been all over her ever since she started her new job months ago. He was there to catch her when she fell. He gives her all the attention, appreciation and devotion that she craves, the socially acceptable relationship, the prospect of a "normal" family. I blame myself, I have recognized my mistakes, I apologized. I am deeply hurt.

My spiteful ego keeps making up reasons why it cannot work between them. He is a male, twelve years her senior, works in the same office, is an emotionally immature insecure workaholic. She has hardly taken a day to be on her own to elaborate on our breakup (even though I reckon she had emotionally checked out long ago), and she does come with a lot of baggage ("daddy issues"). And yet they are still together. I have kept limited contact, we've being seeing each other once a month since the split - friendly and civil but kind of coolish.

I am still sad and miserable and hoping she will come back, although I am deeply hurt and I know I'd better move on, break off all contact and wish her (them) happiness. I can't fake a friendship as long as I am not over her. It kills me to imagine him all over her (after she blamed me for not standing up to a same-sex relationship), but I resist shutting her off completely.

It's just so bitter. Any thoughts?


Anon1988 4 years ago

i think this society is so narrowminded ppl who r gay rights activists say that a gay person can't go straight. that's like forcing beliefs on ppl, man!!! i say that if ur gay but wanna go straight, u might have a choice in that matter. but if ur gay and actually choose and wanna stay gay, then, "sure, why not?"


Anon1988 4 years ago

btw, about the saying that homosexuals are "born that way": that's not the case for all of them, some ppl choose to be that way. saying that all homosexuals were born gay is like saying that the late michael jackson was born white


VegasBaby 4 years ago

@Anon1988

Nobody chooses to BE gay. Either you are or you aren't. You can ACT gay (having gay sex for instance) but that doesn't mean you are actually gay.

I acted straight by having sex with and dating men. I was fully aware that I was not straight the whole while that I was doing it. Please don't confusing "being" with "acting".

The only choice is whether one chooses to be honest about their sexuality or lie. More LGBT people are choosing to be happy and fulfilled in their small community than to be loved by society for living a lie.


Anon1988 4 years ago

@VegasBaby

believe what u want, i'm just expressing my observations and what i think.


VegasBaby 4 years ago

@Anon1988

Your "opinions and observations" are skewed by foolish and archaic beliefs. I am an expert and you are merely a biased observer.

Your attempt at giving advice to straight men about lesbians is no better than the blind leading the blind. While you do have the right to express your opinion; it is reprehensible that you would intentionally mislead these men by saying that sexuality can be changed. If you believe that sexuality can be changed, I encourage you to run an experiment on yourself. Use yourself as a guinea pig and leave the rest of us out of it.


Vegas 4 years ago

@sheturnedmearound

Keep it simple. For whatever reason she left you, she left you. It doesn't matter if she's bisexual, pansexual, confused, etc. Her sexuality isn't the point. She doesn't want to be with you. Please move on with your life. While you are pining over that one woman, you could be getting to know other women.


bitterlyblue 4 years ago

@ VegasBaby:

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this delicate topic. I believe the things you described are quite exactly what I have been facing. On the one hand she mentioned stuff like "you are important to me like you can't even imagine" on the other hand I always felt this huge barrier coming up whenever we got intimate. I think she went through some struggles herself, but not because she fell in love, but because she loved and felt she still could not fall in love. When she met a new woman I saw how falling in love looks with her and realized that this is what I will never experience with her. And honestly I feel quite ignorant for ending up on this stupid romance track while what she felt was much more complicated......


bitterlyblue 4 years ago

@goinginsane:

I know exactly what you feel but honestly I can only tell you that it will hurt more, the deeper you get in. What this has done to me in a very short summary: I lost appr. 15kg weight over this, I have lost track jobwise, my family and a number of friends turned their backs on me because they cannot understand a piece of what was going on and finally I think I ruined the most special and rewarding friendship I ever had because I could not prevent falling in love with her. About the bed thing: We shared a bed during vacation and I am just glad nothing was initiated in there, as I think it was a sign of trust that she went on this trip with me and did not have a problem sharing a bed. So please be aware that with every move forward that seems logical to you, you may ruin something that potentially means a lot to her.


GoingInsane 4 years ago

well i'm not losing any weight but i dont know not having her as a friend would end up tearing me apart and atleast having her as a friend and being able to be with her makes me happy. but how long will that last?


bitterlyblue 4 years ago

@goinginsane: I don't know. I'm trying to find that out for myself right now...... What a tricky thing love can be!


someone1 4 years ago

Ok So here's my story....

I grew up with this girl, she gave me my first kiss when I was 12 and we went out together for a few months. A couple of years later I moved and loss all contact with her. 12 years passed and last month, I found her on Facebook and turned out that she's living in Europe now. I had the time, the means and the money, so I decided to pay her a visit. She was more beautiful that she ever was, but on my first day in Europe all my hopes and dreams came crashing down when she told me she was a Lesbian. I first I was really angry at myself for travelling halfway around the world for nothing. But I hid my anger extremely well and tried to make the best out of the situation. We spent a whole week together, not even one of our good old kisses though! but despite all of this, I can truly say that I had the time of my life.

I don't know if it's just because we grew up together, but when I was with her it was like I had known her all my life. I didn't feel at all uncomfortable when we were silent and according to her she felt the same way. but that not all. We found that in spite of living appart we turned out with pretty much the same personalities. We like the same things and turned out with the same beliefs. it's kind of hard to describe it, but it felt as if we just "clicked" I was surprised and she claims to have felt the same thing.

In a couple of conversations, she did mention how she missed a guy's simplicity when compared to her female partner, and every now and then she would give me the impression that she was having some doubts.

But the fact remains!!!! She's a lesbian and there's probably not a thing I can do about it. And at the same time I have this funny feeling telling me to just "try"

Unfortunately we live in different continents and only way to try this out would be with a "serious" commitment. She may very well decline, Once I throw it out there, there's I won't be able to take it back. I could loose an awesome friend and even if she accepts how would I be sure that she really wants this


kxdorey profile image

kxdorey 4 years ago from Beverly Hills, California, USA

Convert her at once!


anon 4 years ago

Hey I have a dilemma, I have a 'confused' friend whom says she is lesbian however recently went back to a guy she slept with to everyone's disapproval (he was dreadful to her). Over the last few months we have gotten incredibly close. We exchange texts constantly, literally not 5 minutes goes by that we are not talking, we see each other nearly everyday and now I realise that my feelings towards her have become so great it's overwhelming. I don't wish to sleep with her which is strange for me as I am a young guy that enjoys a good time. However I just want to be with her constantly, laughing and having a good time. I just want to tell her how I feel and that I'd d anything for her but the chances of losing her could potentially be too great. I know she is confused about her sexuality currently and I've been there to guide her through it. I don't know whether I should waver my feelings further or just tell her. I recently also made the massive mistake of sleeping with one of her best friends. It was a drunken 'one night stand' but she is giving me signals of jealously. It's all a bit of a mess really. I sense that she might feel the same but its unclear. She's asked me to take her to see her favourite football team, as she probably knows I'll do anything for her; even though I hate them lol. We've decided to make a weekend of it and explore the sites and nightlife of this town we've both never visited. I'm not sure if its the right setting to proclaim my love for her; could be seen as quite seeded as we have to share a hotel room together. I haven't felt like this about anyone since my ex's of 4 years, which was over a year ago. I'm petrified.


anon 4 years ago

opps i forgot to mention the guy used her and ditched her again, they aren't currently together haven't been for a while. x


thingy 4 years ago

What a great read: article and comments (most of).

I'm a man in this situation:

Met her on holiday, 2 months we spent together.

She told me early after we met that she was a lesbian and has never had sex with a man.

I told her that I was falling for her after a while, she said she already knew. Said she was annoyed at herself for being a lesbian because she liked me too.

We got on really well. Actually REALLY well, we walked arm in arm, sunbeds next to each other, frolicked in the sea, went for dates to restaurants, and even talked about having kids (she very much wants kids at some point in her life).

She told me she likes women and me. Not men but just me.

We even talked of getting married one day (she won't have kids out of wedlock).

This ended 3 days ago when I had to fly home (she still has 6 days left), hence my searching for solace and finding this page.

I've never met a women like this before, she's gorgeous, intelligent, funny and everything else a bloke could wish for. I'm smitten, I just hope when her holiday ends, she still feels the same.

Why do all the good ones have to be lesbians eh?


Funny in a dark place 4 years ago

I'm in a similar yet slightly more complicated situation. I'm engaged to a man and she has a long time girlfriend. But I feel something and she does too. Honestly its a major pain in the ass, shes my closest friend and we spend a lot of time together but since some drunken ramblings about feelings and just getting it off our chests things have been really weird...understandably so. I kinda hate it to be honest. My options seem to be talk to her about it and run the risk of ruining everything in our lives or let it fester inside until it makes me so unsure and uneasy that it destroys the friendship I treasure. Maybe with time it will pass but for now I'm losing sleep and can't stop thinking. I'm not sure exactly why I'm posting this...I guess I'm looking for some feedback from people who aren't involved in the situation. Because the two people I go to with my problems are the two people I can't talk too.


Yep. Me too... 4 years ago

saaa


Yep. Me too... 4 years ago

I'm in love with a lesbian as we speak. We were first co-workers. I admit I was attracted to her a lot at first, but I found out through the grapevine what she was and left it at that. We started working together and grew close and found myself getting attracted to her again. This time, though, she came out to me personally and I was ok with it. She stated she had a girlfriend which was fine with me. She ended up leaving the job. I remembered her last day there when I walked her to her car, she blew a kiss at me, but I ignored it. Later on, she would contact me and ask me on how I was doing and we kept in touch. Then she would ask me to go out with her and have fun. She even playfully referred to me as her "man." Then I switched jobs and I moved into the city closer to her. She was going through a nasty breakup with her current girlfriend and that's when we grew really close. She needed someone around and I was there for her. We would go out and cuddle. She even tried to have sex with me once. It was a disaster to say the least. I wanted to ignore what happened between us, but she brought it up and told me how great of I guy I am and how I cool I was and all that really fucked with my head because I never had a girl tell me that before, gay or straight. It just wanted me to try harder now with her. She would look at my mouth like she wanted to kiss me once. She even grabbed my ass in public once. She was very touchy feelie with me and I really liked it. More than I wanted to admit. With her breakup with her ex, she was having her doubts about her sexuality questioning whether or not she can be with a man. I should've known better. I know she was just so hurt and just grasping for straws, but it got my hopes up a lot. Ultimately, I was there protecting her and she cared for me and I loved it too much. More than I should have. I want that in life more than anything. I cared for her so much that I forgot what she was. She would tell me that she loved me and that she misses me and I believed it. I believed it more than I should have. At the end of the day, she ended up dating another girl. I got really disappointed. It bothered me a lot. More than it should have I felt. I told her how I felt for her, but I said it didn't feel right because I know what she is and that she trusts me as a friend (we use to say how I was her big brother and she was my little sister). At the same time, I was jealous and angry and hurt and overlooked. It bothered me. It bothered me a lot. I thought I felt like that because of a previous experience I had of unrequited love, but it wasn't to be the case. At the end of the day, I was still jealous she was going out with this new girl even after a night she asked me to stay over to keep her company because the new girl shut her out. She went out to breakfast with her the next morning and told me to wait for her there at her place all by myself. Afterwards, I just walked home. I was pissed and hurt. I decided I didn't want to have any contact with her anymore. She called me the other day and left me a voice mail. I noticed something funny in her voice. I sent her a text message to make sure she was ok. She just called me the next morning to let me know about things. I blew her off. I sent her an email later on in the day telling her I need space and that I can't be around her anymore. I had to let her go for both of our own good. I love her to death and I still care for her. I just wish I can be what she needs from me, but I just don't know how to feel for someone like that without it being romantically. I know I have my own set of issues with intimacy as well. I wasn't trying to turn her. I wasn't trying to change her or convert her. I literally just forgot what she was and just fell in her love with her and cared for her. I haven't talked to her in 3 days (the longest in a while) and it's the first Saturday I spend without her in months. I do the only thing I could do and that was to let her go and let her live her life.

And to all those who think I was in to her because I'm a pervert or because I just wanted to get with her because I wanted to have the notch on my belt that I turned a lesbian straight, that's not the case. Like I said, I forgot what she was. I ended up loving her. Call me naïve. Call me foolish. I don't care what you think about me as a "straight guy going after a lesbian." All I care about is her. Maybe too much for my own good.

Anyway, thanks for the article and the forum. I feel a bit better I'm not the only one going through this.


bitterlyblue 4 years ago

@"Yep.met too": I think I can understand what you feel. Looking above I notice my first post here was almost a year ago, and I am still suffering from what now should be called the aftermath. I know all the touchy feely stuff and the small steps forward that make you think there could be something and make you forget her preferences. In my case she also came out of a disastrous relationship and must have been looking for comfort. There were times when I really felt this could be going somewhere. But recently I have seen her falling in love with another woman and realized that this must be overwhelming for her in a way she never experienced with me (a man) and I think then I finally understood (or remembered again, to put it in your terms). But nevertheless, it hurts and I am going through the whole package of broken-hearted sadness & anger and finally realized that for the sake of my health and her freedom I need to stop seeing her. Unfortunately that also means a breakup of my band, possibly relocating to another city etc., but I just need another plan for my life. Damn......


Mota 4 years ago

First off I'm a straight guy!. I'm sailing in the same boat as most of them here. This co-worker of mine, at our first night-out for dinner, told me that she was a lesbian. I was a bit down for a while. But I realised I feel better when I spend time with her. So I made peace with the fact that I can never have her, but still decided to be close friends with her. We're getting along well and we share our stories pretty much like a normal husband/wife would do. Now I was married before for more than a decade,hence I know the intimate discussions that take place between me and my lesbian co-worker are right up there. I'm not trying to change her at all, I just want to be there for her whenever she needs me. Now in the process I know I'm hurting myself, but the truth is I love her too much to lose the close relationship that I/we enjoy! What happens in the future, I can't tell, but I know I have to up for it, whatever the situation presents itself.

Her history is a bit awkward! She had boyfriends before and she said it was only until recently she realised that she was a lesbian. Now she hasn't been with any girl yet, but hopes that one day she finds the one. I tried asking her how the previous relationships folded, but she doesn't say a lot. My head has no clue. Is it possible that a past horrible relationship with any of those guys, made her think that she is a lesbian ? The fact that she hasn't been with a woman before, gives me some hope. But then again, I don't force myself into her to change her sexual preferences. If I love her, I should support her with her wants/needs. And thats what exactly I'm doing at the moment.

This is my question for ya all!! I'm straight and I'm always on the lookout for a woman. I can never be open about my life with a man not even my best male friend. Now why do women who claim themselves as lesbian prefer to be so close and so friendly with MEN while they are single ??


kk 4 years ago

I'm happy to see i'm not alone...last night i wasn't able to get to sleep because all i did was thinking about her..

I know her for about 6 months now (we're at the same school for a year), at first i only found her very attractive but i didn't even think being with her because i found her a bit young (i'm 7 years older). But about 3-4 months ago we started becoming friends. We were going out a lot more together, and then she started to get really close to me (asking me for massages, taking my arm in public, inviting me to family dinners, having very deep conversation). And in time, i started to have feelings for her..right at the worst time..cause i've been alone for 5 years now and last months, a wonderful girl declared her love to me..i slept with her 2-3 times but all I think about is my lesbian friend...

Now I think she just likes to mess with my mind!(ex.:she change cloths in front of me and she very well know i'm attracted to her because I keep telling her hints and how gorgeous she looks. and she's never been with a man, so she ask me a lot of questions about men's anatomy and how it works...)

Next time i see her, i'm telling her my feelings...Cause i'm getting crazy!

thanks for being there..


straight man here 4 years ago

i am a straight man that is hoping to meet the right woman for me again, since my wife cheated on me. she did cheat on me with another man, not with a woman as far as i know. i loved her very much, and i was a very caring and loving husband that never mistreated her in anyway. there are many lesbians that are very attractive today as well, i would not mind if i did meet a woman who is a lesbian, and can be attracted to a straight man like me. but the only way that would happen if she left her lover for me, if she happened to be attracted to me.


kk 4 years ago

Like i said I just told her yesterday how I feel..how much sometimes i want to take her in my arms, and how it feels when she undress in front of me or take me in her arms. And she apologized for it. She said she really likes me and i'm her best friend..she doesn't want to lose me..She also told me that i'm the only guy she wants to hold in her arms and if she was hetero we'd be together..:(

From now on we're gonna try not to get to close to each other, but i'm afraid it has gone to far..I don't know how i'll manage to do that..damn...its cruel..


straight man here 4 years ago

kk, i hope it works out for you. good luck, and just hope for the best.


kk 4 years ago

It's finally over..she has stop calling me, in school she barely talks to me and when I ask her about why she act like that she tells me she doesn't feel very well these days..But it's probably for the best..if it would have gone too far, I know I could have been hurt a lot more..

So if I can give someone an advice, Don't fall in love with a lesbian, whatever she tells you...lol


WookieWonderfuls profile image

WookieWonderfuls 4 years ago from London, UK

Thank you so much for this hub its brilliant, a giggle a minute!


Guy in love with lesbian 4 years ago

This girl at school I know started pushing my sexual buttons she had told me she was a lesbian but what lesbian perposly pushes a guys sexual buttons knowing what might happen right so one day she was pushing my buttons and I decided what the hell and kissed her intently it lasted a minute and she enjoyed it but when the kiss was over she slapped me and reminded me she likes girls and has a girlfriend we r still really close friends and once in a while she pusshes my boutons and I push hers I'm not sure but I think there are feelings of love for eachother from eachother but I don't think shell ever consider me more than a friend o well I like things the way they are now if it won't go further :)


straight tomboy here 4 years ago

I am so confused by all the stories of lesbians fucking with your minds acting like they're attracted to you O_o

I fell in love with a gay guy (who's now one of my best friends, but I'm still in love with him T_T), and he never tried anything sexual with me. We tend to get physically close when we sit next to each other, but that's pretty much it. Quite opposite of acting as if he's attracted to me, it's more like he seems to be totally oblivious of my potentially wanting to have something sexual with him.

But thank you for the story, I feel less alone now, and it seems that many of the women who fall in love with gay guys never want to let go, whereas I've had enough of feeling hurt.


MN 4 years ago

This has happened to me twice, and I'm only 14! Why does this happen to me! Sigh, just so much happens, my life tends to screw me over, especialy this. This article helped a lot, and who ever wrote it, thank you. I said I loved her, but she said she would think about. The next week, she told me no, which I wasn't exactly o.k. with, but what really bugged me was when she said this, "You would be the perfect boyfriend for me, but I am a lesbian." Why me? Its been a month, we are best friends, but I still love her. Life... WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME!


DutchGuy 4 years ago

What a great article! As most of you I thought there weren't really that much guys in similar situations..

I know this girl for 5 years now that I was in class with for a brief while when I was 15. Back then she was a pale, black haired, quiet girl but as she was friendly I always struck up a conversation when sitting next to her in class. I really liked her already but after some few months she told me she and her family were going to live abroad, and so she did. We kept contact, although very moderately.

I've kept going to the same school for three more years after she left. So I still hang around with some mutual friends from back in the day at the bar where I work now. My buddy told me that she was back in the Netherlands since a few weeks, so as a good friend would do I immediately ordered her attendance at the bar for a few drinks together, seeing as I haven't spoken to her face to face in almost 5 years.

She came in the next week and she was so gorgeous. As we spoke she told me she did performing arts where she lived, and while doing that she broke through her formerly shy and quiet behaviour and instead became an out-in-the-open girl with a Lady Gaga-esque sense of not giving a flying fuck. I was immediately attracted to her and we mostly flirted while drinking together that evening, even ending with a proper kiss when she left. After a while I thought things were going fine but then she told me that although she was attracted to me, she liked women and our whole situation was confusing to her. I backed away modestly but hurt and after a few weeks I met my then-current girlfriend at the bar. My father, who worked as a host at the same bar told me that my "lesbian girlfriend" didn't seem to be in such a good mood that evening..

I am currently single again, and so is she. We've been very good friends since she dropped the bomb but I'm still hoping for more. We hang out alot, even having the same hobbies. She plays Guitar Hero way better than I do and she drinks a beer and eats a big mac just like I do, al while rocking seemingly every possible outfit or hairstyle she adopts. I try to look at her like the buddy I never had, but honestly I still tend to look at her like the buddy I never did.

She's familiar with my sister and parents and they've all told me she has a thing for me one way or another, my father seems to know more but those are mostly things she said after a few drinks last year or vague signs. I respect her so much that I don't want to possibly destroy our friendship by once again coming out for my feelings for her, but I still picture her and me together like I did before she told me she liked girls.. which makes it all a very confusing situation for me.

I want to thank you for the honest advice in this article and wish you good luck with writing in the future.


Possibly Lucky 4 years ago

I have this really close friend, who I've known for about a year now, who gave off obvious signs of being attracted to me, in touching, flirting, and even having a picture of me as her background on her phone. We had a bit of a relationship going on, but she left after awhile stating that she felt attraction to girls. I let her go freely, and respectfully cut off my connection to her. Since then, she's tried things with girls, but never bothered to go so far, even given perfect opportunities. She tried very hard to reestablish our friendship, and even after many "things" with girls she still seemed so attracted to me and still gave off obvious signs that she is.

Now where it gets weird is that she's been making sexual advances on me for about a month, and we ended up making out for a long time, and she gave me a hickey, and we ended up having sex. She said she really enjoyed it, and wants to do it a lot more, but she said we weren't together and that she is 100% sure she's a lesbian, and insists that we can't be together outside of doing this kind of thing because people wouldn't believe she's a lesbian. I like her much more than just a friend with benefits though, and I've never felt closer and more connected to anyone I've ever known...

Ever since this happened, she's been just as warm and close and flirty with me as she has been. Do I actually have a chance of a relationship with her?


Yep, me too... 4 years ago

Possibly Lucky, there's only one person that can answer that question for you and it's her. Best of luck to you, my friend.


Illogic 4 years ago

My situation falls into this category. It's a little different. I am a 32 year old man and my best friend is a "lesbian" I put it in quotes because we have recently started to have sex. When i say sex I mean SEX. like jackrabbits. She obviously enjoy's it when it's happening it is just the in between stuff that is weird. it's tough because I would love to be with her. We have a great friendship and I know she loves me, I just wonder if she can ever be "in love" with me. i am starting to think it is possible or that maybe she already is in some way and not admitting it but at the same time i have to protect my heart. Part of me thinks the best thing to do is just stop having sex, but thats almost impossible. She has only had sex with one other guy and this was like 10 years ago. She has always been with women and I know that is her preference. At the same time however we are now pretty much having sex. I mean numerous times and it is always for a long time. If she wasn't into it you would think she would either stop it when its happening or not let it happen again right? I really don't know what to do here. Im thinking we try to bring another girl home and see what happens? I am just getting a little annoyed that she is still calling herself gay but having sex with me. She is obviously being selfish knowing how I feel about her and having sex with me but still claiming we cant be together. i also know that maybe I need to just except the fact that she is gay, but I mean what am i supposed to think if we are litterally sleeping together now? Any advice here would be appreciated. Also just so you guys can understand her a little better. She was abused when she was young and I believe it has effected her sexually. She doesn't want me doing oral and I am starting to think that she doesn't let girls do it either. I am starting to think she is one of those "giver" only types with chicks so having sex with me is totally different to what she is used to. At the same time when we have sex I am in total control. Recently she has been getting a little more "used to me" if you know what I mean. less painful. I have always been gentle with her about that. i am in no way trying to make it uncomfortable for her. I want her to like it. it's not like I am just railing her for the sake of railing her. This is my best friend we are talking about here not just some chick Im f*%king. She is sort of the tomboy type. We pretty much dress alike, but she is so damn cute naked. All woman and I love that. We also seem to both get pretty good looking girls. She also gets jealous of me and other woman and was like that even before we started having sex. I think I could be open to us having an open relationship and let her have fun with woman as long as I can do the same. I would have to be the only guy though. This I know for a fact. If I ever found out she was having sex with another guy I think I would snap. Another thing I worry about is that I know a lot of woman in the lesbian community tend to get upset when a so-called lesbian is having sex with a guy and I wonder if this is also coming into play here in her mind. i also want everyone who is reading this to understand that I have nothing against a person being gay and i always tend to get along with gay woman. If she is full out gay i will find a way to accept it and move on. i just think that if she really is a lesbian she needs to stop sleeping with me. NOT FAIR.


Yep, me too... 4 years ago

Illogic, just a question: were you the one to initiate the sex or was it her? The one time we "tried" (it was horrible and embarassing to say the least), it was her. I wanted to try again, but I'm too worried if I try to start, I might scare her away...


Illogic 4 years ago

Ill start by saying that every time it has happened we are drunk. I am in no way telling you to get her drunk. I can also tell you that it hasn't been "horrible" or "embarrassing" for us when we are in the middle of the act, but it is the in between parts that get a little weird. The first time it happened I crashed on her couch and she came and slithered into my arms. I saw this as a sign so I began to let my hands wander a bit. We were both aggressive about it that night. The problem was that after that first time she avoided me for a while and when we did see each other she kind of snubbed me and I was pissed. I mean I had no idea how she felt. In my mind she liked it and I am assuming she was confused. This last time it happened we were again sloppy drunk but I am assuming she was just as aggressive because the next morning there were clothes everywhere and she was still naked. I remember the sex being awesome but again this is how I feel about it. Again I can't help but think she liked it too, otherwise why would it happen again? This time I didn't here from her the next day and thought Oh great here we go again but the next day she texted me to meet her on her steps where we hang out and talk a lot. Again I was thinking here we go how is this going to go, but we just hung out and talked had a couple of beers, never even brought it up so that was cool. I just rambled a bit there but to your question pal I want to ask you when did you guys "try"? How long ago was it and what was weird about it? Did you guys discuss things or just forget about it? if you don't mind sharing I will be happy to give you advice. Don't view my story as a "success" story either because I still have no idea what the hell is happening with us. I mean a part of me is thrilled that we are having sex, but I still have no idea what is going on in her head and I know her better than pretty much anybody.


bitterlyblue 4 years ago

@ MeToo & Illogic:

There seems to be a pattern.... The times we got intimate we were always drunk. At one time she also told me on another occasion that she gets into the mood for kissing me when she is drunk. How does this make me feel? Good, when we were kissing. Very very bad the next morning, when her behaviour made me feel like a drunken mistake. I guess that alcohol-thing was kind of a shield for her. She could tell herself, well, we were drunk. Whereas I always thought, damn, I so want to be touched and kissed by her with sight and emotions not clouded by this stupid haze of drunkenness. My first post here is one year old, she found a new woman, they are moving in together (which is something she also had asked me a couple of months ago....) and I still am fucking bitterly blue and desperately in love. DAMN....


Illogic 4 years ago

I feel bad for you bitterly. That drunk thing is such a copout to me. I dont know how old you guys are but I am about to be 33 and that "drunk" thing doesn't hold much weight to me anymore. How many times can you make the same "drunken mistake" before you can't call it a mistake? I think that's Bull frankly.


Yep, me too.. 4 years ago

I actually just wanted it just to be a drunk thing. I could've accepted the fact that she was "just drunk and lonely" But, she told me "I wanted to try something new and I trust you. You're such a great guy and are so cool," when she was sober. The idea of her actually being attracted to me confused me. There was a second night where she was drunk and she invited me over because she "didn't want to be alone." She told I can sleep in her bed but not to take advantage of her. That really pissed me off because I felt if anything she was taking advantage of me using me for comfort after she knew how I felt for her. I really don't know to be honest. It really is all confusing to me. Best thing I can do is just let it go.

...but yeah, still confused by everything. I need space for my own good, but I feel she's keeping me at arms length not to anger me in case I decide to run out and out her to all her friends or something that she's confused and tried to sleep with a guy. I wouldn't do anything like that to her. This is basically the only place I come to talk about this. Anonymous as it gets...


Illogic 4 years ago

Confused is an understatement. It's hard to look at someone you care about sooo deeply and admit that they are using you or leading you on. I met this girl when we were 10 and we instantly connected. To think that she is playing with my emotions on purpose is hard to grasp/admit because I know she is better than that. We just cam back from running the track. I am trying to get her in shape for a job she is trying to get. Now we are about to go meet up for a "couple" of drinks(yeah right0 That never happens. I am going to do my best NOT to sleep with her tonight. i am going to see what happens if I ease off. I have a feeling that will make her be the aggressor(more confusion) The problem is I just love to spend time with her even if that means we are drinking. I guess what I am saying is Ill do whatever it takes to hang out with her. What a tangled web we weave. UGGGHHHHH


Yep, me too.. 4 years ago

Reading our stories made me realize we're driving ourselves crazy over something we can't control. We're good guys. We don't deserve to do this to ourselves. I think its time we move on much as I hate to admit it... =/

Yeah right, easier said than done...


Illogic 4 years ago

Your just realizing that now? hahahaha Dude move on if you can. My problem is the only real way to move on for me would be to completely cut ties with someone who is also my best friend. I would do anything to not be in love with her. I joke with her all the time and say things like "I wish you were a fucking seahag or something. This would be so much easier" hahaha. it also doesn't help that we had sex again less than a week ago. i think the next time Im like all the way inside her, Im just going to say "this is really gay" hahahaha. Oh God FML


andy 4 years ago

I just fell in love with a lesbien. She's been my friend sincee i was a baby, but i saw her at a funeral 2 days ago, and just fell in love.

I already did step 3, and confessed my love, because the feeling was too strong to keep inside, and I believe it to be a gift of God to be in love.

She didn't reject me, but said she loves me too. She said as a friend, but, knowing her for so long, I have a enough trust in her, which helped me tell her.

And, without writing a whole book here, it was worth telling her. I might never be in a relationship with her, and its ok with me, because i love her anyway, and I know she will always love me too.

And it I only get to hold hands and kiss her on the cheek and hug its enough cause I still love her, and I hope hope for the future. holding hands is meaningful enough for me.


bitterlyblue 4 years ago

@Illogic: Yeah, I know it's bull. I'm 35, thought I'm settled and all. In fact: I have family. But that woman is like the counterpart I have been looking for all my adult life. Actually she says stuff like that herself. But the mismatch in sexual orientation seems to be something we won't overcome. I honestly believe she tried and struggled and all and don't blame her for making out with me, I think she was just as confused as me. And yeah, that drunk-thing is a pretentious lie; I'm pretty sure.

@Yep, me too: You are perfectly right about not being in control and better to move on. I guess we all know that on some level, but still, AAAARGH......


Illogic 4 years ago

@bitterly. I feel for you kiddo. I feel the same way about this woman. This might sound stupid but I almost wish this happened with me and her a year ago and not a week ago. my problem is Im stuck now in this "hope" place where Im thinking well she must feel something, but at the same time we all know that I will most likely be back on here in a few weeks/months bitterly blue as you so eloquently put it. It's the fact that I have that glimmer of hope that I cant help but hold on to. This only proves more that none of this is in our control. If it was up to me I would start my life with her, but there is nothing I can do until/unless she decides it's what she wants as well. So for now. FML


ami 4 years ago

Most people seem to think that both sexual attraction and so called "emotional" attraction are both parts of orientation. But in fact it is already known that different brain structures are responsible for "love" and "lust". What's more, "love", unlike "lust", seems to be potentially quite gender blind, while the latter is rather formed due to prenatal events.

That's actually quite intuitive - you fall in love with person, their soul/mind, not gender. But you feel sexual attraction to their body, not soul.

That seems to be the reason for many confusions described here. Many women tend to define themselves in terms of emotional preferences, with whom they think that they could fall in love with and build relationship. Sexual attraction is less important for them. So, there are lesbian identified women who fantasize about men and for whom the most arousing type of porn is gay male porn, but there are also straight identified women who can't get off while having sex with their beloved boyfriends/husbands unless they imagine a woman in his place.

Of course, when those women fall in love with member of that "second" gender (which happens all the time), they find out that they could form fulfilling in both aspects relationship and change their label.

And IMO that's the point. A woman who's exclusively sexually attracted to women, even if fall in love with a man, couldn't create fulfilling relationship with him because of lack of sexual fulfillment.

Woman who's bi in sexual terms, but thinks that could never fall in love with a man and because of that identify as lesbian, as everything (from brain studies to real life examples) suggest could still fall in love with a man, but keep in mind that she often invested really much to her identity, and dating a guy usually would mean ostracism from lesbian community, so many wouldn't even consider that.

What I wrote here is actually from studies and book of Lisa Diamond, researcher of female sexuality. She coined the term of "sexual fluidity", and actually it's something different from what most people believe it is. "Sexuality" and "sexual orientation" are different things in her theory. Sexuality is mostly behaviour and identity while sexual attraction means strictly sexual feelings alone here. Diamonds believe that sexual orientation is actually solid.

All those "sexually fluid" women in her studies were from the beginning sexually attracted to some degree to both sexes, while those women who were always only sexually attracted to women were the only solid group.


Realization 4 years ago

Ok to be short, all you guys are too "deep into it", Ill make it fast-forward and well I do had experiences so her fit goes this is your RESULT:

Eventually, simple things will be harder, each time trust me "Been lesbian" is not something that simple in the future all these guys that are dating, confessing their love all of them will be hurt by their lesbian partner (FACT)

Second is basically, lesbian might be attracted by things you say, etc, but will never be attracted to you, so if you still have some self-pride you will know in the future doesn't look good.

Thats all, Homosexuality is not something to take lightly.


jghjgv 4 years ago

I met her in school few years ago. She fall in love in me and I fall in love with her. She didn't have any lesbian experience then, I guess. but for few years of school together we weren't talking at all, we were to shy to talk about it or our love was too faint i dont know. then she left to another country and she became a lesbian(not falling in love with girl i guess but spend all time ,have sex) . we meet again few weeks ago after almost 2 years not seeing each other and fall in love in each other again. even if she's not in relationship with girl now, she wants me but she's sleeping with a girl at the same time. what da hell should I do? I'm confused, I don't know want to be only her emotional lover, but want her all for myself...


ami 4 years ago

@jghjgv

Do you mean that she's sleeping with both you and other girl at the same time, or that you're "only her emotional lover", which means that she doesn't want to have sex with you?

That's a big difference, since in first situation, she's just bisexual, and in second - lesbian and she may love you, but will never be in love with you (which means love + sexual attraction).


illogic 4 years ago

@ami Your first post did make a lot of sense and I guess I can understand it. My problem now is I went from her "emotional lover" to at this point someone she is having sex with. We have now had sex on 4 different occasions and the last time was last weekend. She is still calling herself a lesbian and Im actually at the point where it doesn't even bother me anymore. I am at the point where I know that she is sexually attracted to me. The sex would not continue if she wasn't. Correct? I also feel that she must be very confused about this and as her friend I am not going to bring it up any time soon. i am actually ok with the way things are now. I also believe that the whole "ostracism from lesbian community" is a huge factor here. This woman is also my best friend so this gets a little more tricky. I also know that we will most likely continue to have sex. I am asking for your advice as a woman(lesbian?) as to how you think I should approach this situation. I can tell you that if I bring up her sexuality she will deny that she may be bi and we will probably get into a stupid argument. I can also tell you that us just ending our relationship all together is pretty much impossible. I guess what i am asking you is what do you think is my best approach to this situation?


ami 4 years ago

@illogic

Well, I'm not sure if I'm the best advisor, since usually I have a lot of argue with "lesbian identified bisexuals". People like to simplify things, and when they see examples of "lesbians sleeping with men" they tend to generalize that into all women who call themselves lesbians, and a fact that two women, even though both identifying as lesbians, could have very little in common in terms of sexual orientation fades away – and that hits me in backslash, since guys like assuming they have chance with me. Especially while there are real life examples of "lesbians sleeping with men". And it's not only about those annoying guys – they give hard ammunition to hardcore homophobes that being gay/lesbian is a choice, so can be "changed". Of course homophobes try to twist everything anyway, but if those women would not pose as lesbians, but admit they're bisexual, that in fact nothing changed when it comes to their attractions, it hardly could be twisted this way.

So I personally would prefer that she would change her label and embrace bisexuality. But that's also in your interest. She's apparently one of those women who identify as lesbian on base of their beliefs with whom they could form relationship, not on base of their sexual feelings. So, she would never allow herself for anything more serious with you than casual sex as long as she thinks about herself as a lesbian, because apparently whole definition of lesbian for her is not having relationship with you or other men. But like I said, that would be hard, since she has rather invested much into that identity, and her lesbian social circle may ostracize her. I personally have no problem with women who admit that they were wrong about themselves (unlike with women who keep insisting on false claim), but unfortunately there are many common bi-phobes as well in community.

I know some a bit analogical situation from lesbian perspective. My friend was "dating" married woman. Although there was difference, since that woman, at least as she said, wasn't attracted to her husband sexually, so there was no issue in terms of identity, just in terms of social acceptance. Long story short, my friend ended with broken heart, since the wife didn't want to leave her husband. Funny thing, I've heard that after few years she actually divorced him and is on lesbian scene full time, although not with my friend.

BTW, you make me wonder about that part: "If I ever found out she was having sex with another guy I think I would snap". So, only men, but not women are competition? Sorry, but it didn't came out of nowhere. All knowledge on that subject suggests that she was always attracted sexually to men as well, you didn't "change" her. Like I said, there are many lesbian identified women like that, who keep having casual sex with different men from time to time, "but it doesn't matter because I don't want to date them".


illogic 4 years ago

@ami

I only say that because she always said to me that if she was attracted in that way to men than I would be the one for her. Now that we are having sex I don't fully understand the statement. When I say "snap" I just mean that would really throw me for a loop because she has always told me she is not sexually attracted to men and this is the reason why we cant be together so If I knew she was sleeping with men obviously that would be hard to grasp. I understand she is attracted to women and I respect that. I am not a woman so I can understand that a woman could fulfill some sort of sexual desire that I, as a man can't do for her. I never said I "changed" her or that I ever even wanted to change her. All I wanted from her was the truth. I always believed she was attracted to me and I guess now that we are having sex I know I was correct. I just wish people were not so caught up in labels. Anyway thank you for your input it has been helpful.


ami 4 years ago

Well, I would say that either she wasn't perfectly sincere with you or didn't know much about her feelings.

When it comes to the first supposition, as you said you know her for a long time and she's your friend. It's understandable that when she came out as a lesbian to you, then she didn't share that little secret that she's attracted sexually to men as well - after all you're a part of her social circle, not just some random guy who's opinion about her wouldn't matter. That part about her always saying that if she was attracted in that way to men then you would be the one for her and that's the reason you can't be together suggest that she didn't want to raise your hopes (so apparently she knew before that you have crush on her), since she was sure that she couldn't build relationship with a man, and looks like she understood that if you knew that she's attracted sexually to men to some point then her statement about being lesbian would sound less definitive in your eyes - and that actually have happened.

And she started having sex with you in drunk state, when those fears fade away. And now I guess she thinks, as it's all done, it won't change anything if she keeps having sex with you.

When it comes to second supposition - many women have problem with separating their romantic/emotional feelings from sexual. I presume she is sexually attracted to women, propably stronger than to men, and also has history of romantic attachments with women. So it's possible that she just perceived only her attraction to women as "the real deal" and didn't keep too much attention to a fact that maybe for example she finds arousing gay male porn and/or have sexual fantasies with men. That's actually common pattern. Many women insist that sexual fantasies and reaction to porn doesn't mean anything when it comes to their orientation, while various studies in fact suggest that it does mean something.

Of course both could be true. And when it comes to labels, I actually wish people would follow more strict definitions described by current scientific knowledge, so such situations wouldn't happen.


Jarman 4 years ago

This article doesn't help in the least, everyone knows they are just confused, being a man we always know best for women.


Mr M 4 years ago

I was introduced to this girl, whom I didn't know was a BI/Lesbian. We hit it off when we first met at a club (introduced by my colleagues while I was going through a breakup with ex of 9 years)

We started to exchanged giant amount of txt msgs (thanks to whatsapp) we will chat from morning till late night 2-3am daily. soon, she starts to ask me out to join her for drinks. we had so much fun, and I was really attracted towards her.

we started to hang out on dates. during our dates, we will behave like any couples. we are from an asian country so doing things like holding hands while on date, hugs, and some touches on her erogenous zones. At this point, I didn't know she was a BI/Lesbian, all I know was she is single for a very long period of time. She told me she wasn't used to being touched or close with a guy. So I tried not to be too pushy on that. I will always let her know now its different, she must slowly get used to it and she will often just break into silly giggles.

soon, as days goes by, weeks blinked away quickly. i was puzzled why are we behaving like couples yet we never take a step forward. i asked her, yet her answer will always, its not the time, I am not ready. it doesn't help that her friends tell me she is just playing with my heart. i started to doubt her and pushed her for answers. we often quarreled over this. it got so bad that we will have cold wars for days. things starts to crumble and I didn't know what is wrong. Its during this point of time, I slowly get to know she is actually a BI (which she claimed and admitted to me at later stage)

alas, things halted. we ain't that close, she stopped me from being close with her while going out. things start to cut off from there. it doesn't help that she was really pissed at me for listening to her friends and doubting her. she blamed me for it and said she can no longer trust me. I was feeling really terrible.

if I knew from day 1 that she is a BI/lesbian, I wouldn't have pushed her and would have taken things slowly. I couldn't let her go, I try so hard to win her back, but she just seems to get further away from me. And soon, she was hooked up with this tranny who went for a full op to become a woman. but they didn't last long and she broke up with her after a few weeks.

now, I am still deeply in love with her. and we are working in the same company, and that she is my superior. imagine the pain and sorrow i have to suffer while facing her. just recently, she tell me she realize she is fully lesbian and she must come to face the fact.

i let her know i am still in love with her and will pretty much want to be her. and i am willingly to accept the fact that she may look for gf. she told me she doesn't want to waste my time and that i should find a straight girl. but i am so attracted to her, she gave me the best few months.

now, i have to pretend to be just friend with her, because after she confess to me that she is a true lesbian, and after knowing i still love her as much as ever, she tried to keep her distanace away from me. she said this is the best for me. so the only way i have now is to lower her guard, and let myself into her life again.

i believe and hopefully one day, when she decides to look for a man to settle down, i will be the one.


allan 4 years ago

I have been a straight man all my life, August I met this beautiful Latin girl. And I immediatly fell in love be cause in May I got divorced. I did not know she was a lesbian and we never talked about it. We dated a few times going to movies and out for luch or dinners and always had a great time. I went to kiss her on day and she said no and I could not figure out why. By this time I was totally in love with this girl. then 1 day she told me after I met her girlfriend and I was so upset but stayed calm and we talked about going to a hotel the 3 of us because her girlfriend wanted to get pregnant. we went but I was basicaaly ignored. and then she started asking for 200-300 saying she has to pay bills and I helped her then she moved out of town a year and a half ago and in that time I have seen her 2 times total of maybe 8 hours and she kept asking for money and as much as I want to say no i helped her out with at least $10,000.00. we are fighting now because I lost my job and I cannot help her. Her lazy ass girlfriend should find a job.


Im the Beaver 4 years ago

I didnt want to post a comment at first actually but just cant help it. Im a lad and my best mate is a lesbian through and through. Shes the coolest girl I ever met and I care about her more than anything. We always hang out and do stuff together and we just cant not seeing each other more than 2-3 days. Its a bit weird but we both kinda understand that we in a more than special friendship so to speak. Shes sorta seeing another lass atm but Im feeling happy for her that she seems happy. Im single and she keeps trying to hook me up with some of her straight female mates but so far things havent been going well for me self.

I have seen her being ditched by her ex-girlfriends before but I have always been there for her whenever she needed me. With her new girl, I can tell that they are no match made in heaven and I could sense all hell is going to break lose very soon. As much as I want her to be my life partner, she has to realize it by herself. I always open to the idea but at the same time Im trying my chances with other girls coz hey, you never know what you might find.

My advice to other blokes out there, theres nothing wrong having a lesbian bestfriend. She could be the greatest friend youd ever find. A great company to be with when you are single. But keep on hunting for other birds at the same time coz sky is the limit.


Possibly Lucky 4 years ago

Well, I'm still FWB with a lesbian-identified girl. The two of us still continue to have sex, while sober, and everything is still going well. She always acts like the two of us are a couple, and even gave me a promise ring style gift last week. She talks about possibly having a child in the future (we're still in high school now though). Problem is, she still identifies as a lesbian.

I know that since both of us are in high school, and her reputation matters to her a lot, and her reputation is built around being a lesbian. Do you guys think she really is, or is only identifying as such because of her reputation? I really want to know if I have a chance with this girl. She's my closest friend, and is my girlfriend in every sense except for labeling us as a couple. It's confusing, because I love her


illogic 4 years ago

@Lucky. You guys are only in High School so I believe you have a good chance with her just be patient. She is not all the way gay if she continues to sleep with you and sober as well. Communicate with her the best you can. Tell her how you feel about everything. Don't bottle it up. I wish you luck.


double fail 4 years ago

Well at first I had no clue what to type in. I mean what would you type in to search for? How does a guy deal with falling in love with a lesbian.

If you kind of think about it its kind of hard to explain. Well yea I'm still in highschool but for some reason I just can't get this girl out of my head. I'm always thinking of her but I don' know why.

About three years ago is when I actually started talking to her a lot. We had lunch together and most of the time I would end up staying up late at night just talking to her on the phone for long hours during the night. I knew she didn't like when I did that because she was a super smart student but you know.... I like a girl that kind of has some smarts.

Well to get to the point after talking to this girl for several hours at a time. By this point I had gotten really close to her. She would tell me almost anything. All I had to do was ask. Well I kind of told her that I liked her. Now it was kind of a long sweet little letter that I wrote to her and on the day of Christmas I told her. I knew it would be perfict but unexpectedlly she said that she was going out with another girl at the same time I asked her out.

Fast forwarding a year later she tells me that she breaks up with this girl but, at this time I still did not know that she was going out with her. I was really furious with her. It wasn't the smartest thing that I had ever done but I ended up not talking to her for the rest of the year.

Now after a year of separation and talking to other girls I ended up not felling the same way that I felt when I was with her. I guess you could say that I felt real love with her for the first time. I felt that I should talk to her again so continued to re-establish our relationship.

Every now and then I would sit by her and socialize with her but I and a rediculously nice/shy guy so I let her have her space. Soon enough a girl a year older than me continuously walks around the school with her everyday.

Prom was comming up and I wanted to take her to prom and she never exactlly said no. That was until today when we talked things over and she told me that she was dating this girl that she was in love with since freshman year(Ironic because I loved her since Freshman year even when I was mad at her).

I have no Idea what to do right now. I'm guessing that I'll just be lesbros but I love her like crazy. Maybe I do want that Forbiden Fruit but some how I feel like its for another reason. I know other guys think that she is beautiful I've even told her that she's beautiful. The thing is when I asked her on christmas day I asked her if she wasn't going out with this girl then she'd might go out with me. Someone please help me :)


Im the Beaver 4 years ago

@double fail

Mate, you still young and you got the whole world in front of you. Believe you me, I have been falling for girls all my life but this thing happens.

My advice for you is to act cool and go for better girls. Its a natural instinct of every young girl to tease with guys and crush their hearts out..

Shes a lesbian and she thinks its cool. You like her and she knows it. Shes probably proud of herself atm and lol at you behind your back. Dont make a fool of yourself and start acting like a man.

I know its hard for you but youll get over her and Im sure you will in time. She seems a bit evil to me and as much as you like her, you deserve better than that. You dont want to be her lesbro coz she will hurt you. Stay friends with her but keep your distance. Act normal and pretend like you not interested in her anymore. Even when she teases you, just act suave and joke around a bit. Make sure you do it right. Trust me, this is the only way for you to earn some respect from her.


BigDummy 4 years ago

Thank goodness for this page. What a great read.

I'm a HAPPILY married guy with a perfect life and a wonderful family. I make commercials for a living - recently I travelled to Mexico on a shoot, and formed a tight bond with our lead actress.

She was beautiful, intelligent, and liked the same sort of things I did. We clicked immediately, and spent a ridiculously generous amount of time together... Excursions, limo rides, luxury hotels, fancy meals... We were living large on the company's dime. It was a total fantasy world. In all that time we spent together, we didn't once discuss out significant others. It was as though we were allowing ourselves to be people we weren't.

Once the shoot was over, it was clear where things were headed between us once the wrap party was over... except it didn't, and while I don't know that I would have gone through with it, I didn't change the fact that I felt like something of a failure for NOT sleeping with her.

The plane ride home was awkward, and coming home was brutal. My wife could tell something was up, and I couldn't bear telling her for fear of destroying my awesome relationship.

I re-connected with this woman recently, and we've tried to spend time together, but outside of Mexico it just isnt the same. We finally got around to talking about our feelings for each other and that's when she dropped the bomb... She's gay.

More than the guilt I feel for having an emotional or intellectual affair, I feel guilty for causing her to question her sexuality or the relationship she has with her long-term live-in may-as-well-be-a-spouse girlfriend.

Neither of us know how to proceed from here, but I have no intention of ending things with my wife. I was inclined to just go cold turkey on this woman when I thought it was infatuation between two attached people, but now that I have some inclination of what it's putting her through on HER end, I feel *really* inclined to just remove myself from the situation, as much as I loved how it felt when we were together, and considering the friendship we have. There are just too many dangerous red flags here.

I keep coming back, however, to the way this woman made me feel about myself when I was with her. Taller. Handsomer. More dynamic and interesting. I have a woman that attractive and fascinating and inspiring be into me did a lot for my self-esteem... Which I think felt a little ignored after being married for so long. The fact that I could make a woman who identifies herself as a lesbian question her sexuality should, i suppose, also give me a moment of pride, but mostly I just feel like a big dummy for not seeing it earlier, especially when the signs were all there.

I guess I need to get my gaydar fixed. Dunno if anyone else is going through anything like this. I really really miss her.


CuttingTies 4 years ago

Add me to the list of people who have fallen for a lesbian. However, at this point I would like to point out that I'm only crushing on her very hard. This isn't love and I know that. There are things about this girl that I could never live with. However, that doesn't stop me from lusting for her.

Recently I've had to cool it after she backed out of plans to hang out for the billionth time. She's so cool. Likes all the things I like, plays the same games I do, like to listen to the same music. She doesn't have super model looks or shape, but she's just so awesome. Bad tooth and all.

I've developed feelings for this girl but I know she's pretty much female exclusive. As a result I used her most recent cancellation of our plans to hang out as an excuse to simply cut her out of my life... at the very least, until I can get my emotions under control. It's just not healthy hanging around her when we have different views on where the relationship should be. I've never told her that I like her more than a friend and to be honest I don't really think there's any need.

It's just very confusing and frustrating. Not that she's gay, but how we end up being smitten by the people we get smitten by. For some reason everytime I think of her the song "Little Lies" by Fleetwood Mac runs through my head because I've so desperately wanted her to tell me the little lie that she, too, sees me as something more than a friend. Alas, it will never happen so I feel it's just best for us to go our ways indefinitely. Sad times.


401k 4 years ago

Hey!!! you never hear about a man going gay because of his bad luck with women...men keep trying. For a woman to give up on men and cause damage to her own soul because she's too bitter and too head strong to change the type of men she's been dating...says something about her character; that she's selfish, stubborn, irresponsible for her own choices, and didn't really want a man to begin with (she's sexually excessive, and is waiting for an excuse to go lesbian anyways).


You better run... 4 years ago

@ami - "Do you mean that she's sleeping with both you and other girl at the same time..."

On the money with that one.

-----------------------------------------------

@401k - "Hey!!! you never hear about a man..."

Good observation, definitely helps a bit.

-----------------------------------------------

(My lesbian story is further up for reference)

My question is why do women f**k with mens minds (Lesbian or not)? A lot of the reason why I am how I am today is because of my experiences with women. I have engineered a way of "staying on top" so to say, and it works. In fact these women are now so smittened by me they actually become annoying.

It seems like the women in today's society like the duchebags and ass-holes of this world. Not that it is my endgame, it just seems like if I don't, they just take advantage of you, friendzone you, or take you on a ride. If life has taught me anything, its that the s**t woman talk about on what they want guys to be like is a load of bull****. A lot of the time they don't know what they want, it takes a lifetime of bad relationships, a divorce and about two kids later to realize they had it staring at them the whole time.

Sometimes I look at myself and wonder who I've become, not that I treat woman terribly now, I just feel they'll probably never get to the point where they get to see who I really am.

I am fairly good at picking up women, but to tell you the honest truth, I'd trade that in a heartbeat to be with her again. At the end of the day what does all the chasing amount to? Granted those experiences have taught me a lot about social dynamics, yet I still feel the void.

I hate complaining about this type of thing, I suppose because that was my first real love, and the first one is always the hardest to let go.

However, the best advice I can give to these torn men is: Remove yourself from that situation, its tough, I'm the first to admit it. In-fact I am still getting over it and it has been almost 7 months. She cant give you what you want, you're chasing the dragon like a drug addict, chasing a feeling she gives you, the more you take a hit, the more addicted you become. You are just setting yourself up for more heartache.

That being said, yes I am still dealing, but my life has been improving ever since.

Goodluck.


doran dan 4 years ago

please help me so have friends gay and lesbian of maximum 35 y.o.,for friendship,visits maybe more,I have 41/1,71/72kg,please help me so have friends.


DORAN DAN 4 years ago

PLEASE HELP ME URGENTLY SO HAVE FRIENDS GAY AND LESBIAN OF MAXIMUM 35 Y.O.,FOR FRIENDSHIP VISITS MAYBE MORE,I HAVE 41/1,72/72KG,I WISH FRIENDSHIP WITH GAY ACTIVE ,I WISH FRIENDSHIP NO SEX WITH A YOUNG LADY,THANKS.


BethDW 4 years ago

A really cute and funny article about a pretty common issue. I have been with my partner for almost three years now, but I always dated men previous to that. I just met her and fell in love (sort of the opposite of the annoying stereotype that lesbians just haven't 'met the right guy', I was a 'straight' girl who just hadn't 'met the right girl' haha). You're right, sexuality is a lot more fluid than many people would like to admit. Of course there are some girls who have only ever been with women, knew they were gay from the age of two, and will never look back. But for a lot of us, figuring out what we like is a confusing and long journey...and there are a lot of gray areas. Now, I'm engaged to my partner and never plan on being with a man (or another woman, for that matter) ever again; but should things go sour between us (heaven forbid, and I don't predict that happening) I couldn't rule out the possibility that I could someday be in a relationship with a man again. I don't like putting limits on love, and labels are for cans!


Guy 4 years ago

Been there


Thomas 4 years ago

I'm good friends with a girl who's a lesbian, and I just so happen to be nuts about this girl. We've flirted back and forth a bit, and even talked about sleeping together once. But it was all only in fun really, just kind of joking around. That has to mean something though right? I mean she's been with guys before and even dated them before so it's not like she's a complete lesbian, but it has been awhile since her last guy. Right now I'm like her closest friend with the exception of her best friend, and I'm sure she can tell that I have an attraction to her as I make perverted jokes towards her all the time and she makes them right back at me. I really want to tell her how I feel, but her best friend is currently dying of cancer and I just can't bring myself to drop that kind of a bombshell on her right now. I just want to be her friend right now because I know at this moment that's what she really needs the most is a friend. Things being the way they are though I don't know if I'll ever get the chance to tell her how I truly feel as she's talked about moving away if her friend dies. It sucks too, because you can usually tell if you and another person would be good together in a relationship. And I can tell me and her would be good together. I just don't know what to do as it feels like I'd be wrong to tell her how I feel now but that if I don't I'd also be taking the chance of never getting another opportunity again to tell her. I'm so confused on what to do.


luyy 4 years ago

I broke up with my Ex fiance a few months back, in what was a whirlwind of an altercation, and was destroyed, I won't even bother lying about it. Night after night, I racked my brain for a way to get her back. She wasn't returning calls, emails or texts and our mutual friends said she wanted nothing to do with me. I was in rough shape until i found vadoospell@gmail.com and he guaranteed me in 3days and surely she called me on the phone and and apologized


Goethe 4 years ago

Sorry about that last "hugged me" part, that was a typo, then my hand slipped and hit "post". But as I was saying, I love her so much, and I decided to confess it to her, after seven months. That went horribly. She said that she was flattered, but wasn't interested because she was a lesbian. Love=crushed. That had a major impact on me. I tore my thumbnails off after months of extreme depression, and yet she still helped me through it all. I still love her with every bit of my heart, and I would do anything for her. She gave me a reason to live. If the situation came to it, I would take a bullet aimed at her to let her live. I guess it'd be a bit selfish, to do that so I wouldn't need to live without her.

Somebody who this subject has caused a lot of pain both mentally, physically, and emotionally,

Goethe Fhaust


Goethe 4 years ago

Huh..my previous post didn't show up...Sorry if my little tidbit of a story confused anyone!


thehands profile image

thehands 4 years ago Author

@Nunya Bizniss Calm down. Nobody here is trying to get into your pants. They're all trying to get into the pants of -other- lesbians. Further, many of these lesbians are close friends with them, judging from all their stories, and I doubt these women would feel as creeped out and disgusted as you describe and choose to -continue- to be friends with these guys.

Also, I might ask what you have against fat girls. And having moist breath, for that matter.

And also also also, I don't know what guys you've been around, or if this is simply your odd perception of men, but what sort of man with any degree of self-esteem will keep following you around and stalking you once you've clearly said "no"? Hang out with different guys.


thehands profile image

thehands 4 years ago Author

@Jarman This article actually isn't satire, but I don't blame you for assuming since a lot of my other ones are. Or at least I'm assuming you thought so, since I'm assuming your comment is also satirical. I hope. I pray.


thehands profile image

thehands 4 years ago Author

@BigDummy Dude, I don't know you or the intricacies of your marriage, but is your relationship really that "awesome" if your wife doesn't make you feel "taller" and "handsomer" like this other woman does? In my experience, a desire to go poking around with someone else is a sign that something is amiss, and that my relationship isn't satisfying my needs. If everything was going truly well, or truly how you wanted it to be in your marriage, and you felt deeply, passionately in love with your wife, I can't imagine you'd have any reason to want to cheat on your wife (and, even more, to regret that you didn't cheat on her). It might just be that it's your relationship with your wife that needs work. You -can- inject the type of excitement that you experienced with this other woman into your marriage--it just takes a lot of work, a lot of changing of old patterns. I would recommend reading this blog called "Married Man Sex Life" (or something like that). It details these sorts of things--how to keep a relationship exciting while still remaining monogamous.


thehands profile image

thehands 4 years ago Author

Oh, and to everybody who posted comments here over the past two years: Thanks.

I came back after about a year of pretty much ignoring my hubs, and I was overwhelmed with the number of comments listed to be approved just for this article.

The response to this hub was unexpected and I didn't think it would touch so many people. This is the hub of mine with the most comments and also the longest comments. (Some of you are quite the novelists. LOL.) I also did not expect this article to eventually rank as high as it has on google. Wow. Thanks again to all of you for your interesting stories.


Nikki Sixx 4 years ago

This is by far the best article/advice I found on the net.

Can't believe it happened to me: met this girl on Twitter discussing technical stuff & science. I have NEVER met anyone with the same interest in diet (vegetarian/vegan), movies, art, travel, TV (never watch any...), books & religion (atheist) - never. I've had many girlfriends but never connected intellectually with them -- just warm bodies sleep next to.

We exchanged pictures & I couldn't believe how beautiful she is. She's from my hometown but lives broad teaching. She told me she was bisexual & has dated guys and girls in the past.

I told her my feelings immediately & asked her to tell me honestly if there was a possibility for a relationship. Better be quick & brutal than let me agonize over months/years. As she is coming back to our hometown at the end of the summer to see her parents, she proposed we meet there, go out a few times & see how it goes.

That is a very reasonable plan & I should be happy, but I'm panicked at the idea of being in love with someone who may continue to desire girls. Then again, if she is the girl for me, I pursue her or regret for the rest of my life. At worse, we can just be friends...

Also, I'm comforted by the fact that artist Amanda Palmer (who is bisexual) has married author Neil Gaiman and the two are living happily. So maybe there's hope for me after all...

Thanks.


Nikki Sixx 4 years ago

Aww Jeezz. After a few more interactions, I'm beginning to see what's going on: she loves the attention but has no idea what to do with me as she's not really feeling anything toward me. I'm beginning to suspect that she wants her parents to see me so she can look normal to them -- they will never accept her as a gay child. So sad...

Sure, on the one hand, I'd like to help her get closer to her parents, but if this is an act, how long will she be able to keep this going? They are not stupid, just bigoted. They will find out and shun her again. Not sure I want to get involved in such deception...

She told me she has done this in the past for a male gay friend who took her to his mother. Had no idea this was common occurrence. Maybe I should take this as a learning experience & later offer my services as "Mr. Straight Guy" to lesbians in similar situations....Just kidding, I'm crushed )-:


Nikki Sixx 4 years ago

So after some back and forth with tons of disagreements and/or misunderstanding, she did the humane thing & told me she didn't want a relationship -- at least not with me. I was so relieved, I totally jumped the gun and may have sounded to eager to agree with her.

The "misunderstandings" had to do with my sense of humor which she told me several times she did not appreciate. Now, I a happy go lucky guy who likes to joke around and laugh (I draw cartoon too), so this was definitely **never** going to work out, even overcoming the lesbian issue. Humor is **very** important to me. Turns out she's a killjoy who wants to be serious all the time and takes offense to anything and everything & wants you to apologize. Wow, must be fun at parties...

When you're constantly apologizing to a girl you are not even going out with, because she takes offense to things you say, it has **zero** chance.

Problem solved (-:


that guy 4 years ago

i need advice. i just got out of a 2 year relationship with a lesbian. and before we dated she told me she was and basically asked me out and i did like her then but i fell in love with her and she fell in love with me and everything was good until last september when she started her 2nd year of college. she went to more parties stuff like that we got into more fights we would barely talk all day. 6 months ago before valentines day she dumped me and said it was because i didnt make her happy and since then she has changed her excuse for our break up. riht after we broke up she made friend with a few lesbians outside of school in philly and they were 28 (shes 20) and she got drunk with them often and one night shaved her head and didnt talk to me for 2 weeks. she would come visit me ever weekend and she would sleep over and it took a month or so but we would start hooking up and having sex like we use to and i would cut her hair for her i put her on my cell phone plan so she had a phone . about a month ago she went on vaaction to north carolina with her best friend from home who is a lesbian and a bunch of random couples and before she left she said she would text me and call me and she did love me. well we never talked for a week and when she came home she screamed at me and said she was gonna start seeing someone soon and she came out of the closet tpo her family via facebook. im supportive of her coming out and she thinks i hate her for being gay but i hate her for breaking news like seeing someone else to me like that. i mad at her cuz shes my ex and i love her. im happy shes happier seeing someone else, but she said she wants to be my friend but she never talks to me i just see her at work and we have hung out once so far. she said she would still sleep over and stuff cuz her gf doesnt care but thatd kill me. idk if i want to be her friend cuz it tears my heart apart but i cant picture my life without her


Cmacattack 4 years ago

So here it is, the first girlfriend I ever had and first girl I fell for when I was 12 was this beautiful girl who I assumed was only into men. We spilt when I was 16 because I moved to another state. We lost touch after awhile.

Fast forward 18 years and we find each other on Facebook. Turns out she's been and is a full on lesbian. We become good friends and I moved into her house and rented a room after my divorce. Almost immediately after moving in we began sleeping together and hit it off and become much much closer. It's hard though as I have totally fallen for her again and she feels the same way but she's struggling and can't put any labels on it because of her sexual orientation. She struggles because it's not natural for her to have these feelings for a guy. She struggles because she has lost so many friends and family when she came out years ago. She has put up with a lot of stares and ridicule for her sexual orientation and then suddenly she has these feelings for me. She's knows her lesbian friends won't understand and she could possibly loose some of them. Her straight friends won't really understand either because they have known all that she has been through in being lesbian. She fears what people think when they see us together as she dresses like me but is holding a mans hand. Being a lesbian is so much of who she is she doesn't understand that no one cares what a girl wears or how her hair is if she's holding the hand of a man. Cause it's natural for us to see a girl an a guy but it's not natural for her to not see stares and glances cause she's had to put up with it for so long.

It's hard for me, I want so much for this to work. I want so much to be more understanding. But it's hard!! To me when two people feel this strong about one another they go for it. But she's has reservations that I can't fully understand no matter how hard I try because I've never lived what she's been through and never could. I have to live with the constant fear that it might not work because she may never be able to overcome this issue. It may be too much for her to bear and it breaks my heart that she has to struggle like this for having these feelings for me. It's hard for me to understand and deal with.


Drock 4 years ago

This sucks.. . I fell for a lesbian this weekend that I met on Sat. I came here looking for help. She likes dancing with me, wants to hang out, but YES, she has a g/f.

God dam it.


AMarie Jackson profile image

AMarie Jackson 4 years ago from Summerville, South Carolina

"However, sexuality is much more fluid in many people than society tends to acknowledge, and maybe, just maybe, she's only mostly gay."

As a 'lesbian' I totally agree. I definitely have a certain type of man I do like. But I respect the relationship I am in and realize that it is better for me.


I Confessed. 4 years ago

To anyone who's afraid of the confession, don't be. thehands is right. If the girl has any kind of maturity and respect, she won't be mad if you like her. She may even be flattered even if she won't date you.

I made a really good friend who is a lesbian. She and I relate on so many levels, and she tags along when I joke around and give my friends shit, like it was fucking rehearsed. I told one friend I was falling for her, and that lead me to tell another friend, and more people wanted to know what was up, and I'm so close with all my friends, so to avoid hurting peoples feelings by leaving them out, I basically told everyone but her. Naturally she found out. The first thing she said was "That sucks." That might sound harsh but she actually felt bad for me. She also said she wasn't going to treat me any different. I didn't treat her any different either. Of course all that info was traveled through friends and third parties. She Knew I liked her, and I knew she didn't like me that way. So we just let it go. Fast forward 9 months of awesome ridiculous friendship development (and me still secretly liking her) and I'm on my way to college. She's still in highschool, but the college is only a drive away, but none the less, I wanted to move on. And I figured the only way to do that was to talk to her about all the shit that went on between us that we BOTH knew about but just never talked about. I wanted to hear the words from her, no more third party bull shit.

So we started talking about it. It was actually really easy since we became such good friends. I told her I just admired her like crazy. Her honesty and loyalty among friends, how she just seems to get me and all my weird antics. I told her I just needed to be 100% sure there was no chance for us before I tried to move on. She told me, "If you were a girl I'd totally date you.." I had already heard that from the third party. I actually heard everything she told me through the grapevine previously. But it was still a good thing to do. Now the elephant in the room was acknowledged. And we've seemed to become stronger friends from it.

So if you guys haven't confessed, you should. And if she denies you, (she probably will since she's a lesbian and all) don't react all crazy. If she's cool enough to get you to fall for her under the circumstances, then she's probably cool enough to take the confession maturely. Don't make it awkward and it won't be too awkward. Time helps too, but if she's worth the chase she's worth the friendship.

That's what I'm doing anyways. I have to. I'm in love with her. The best I can do is be her friend and still be there when she needs me. I know she'll be there for me, so at least I have that covered. I'm in love with someone who'll never look at me romantically or sexually, but will always look out for me, and knows I'll look out for her. That's definitely better than nothing. And if you can't handle being friends with her after she denies you, then you didn't love her.


Lenascuwhu 4 years ago

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Loveubabe 3 years ago

I fell in love with a lesbian , we never met but talking on phone , chatting on facebook , already passed 4 months. We both love each other very much , we tried to meet but shortly before our date for a reason or another she obologized , at the end he told me that she loves girls. , she is 32 years old. She wad married to a man for about 1 year but she asked for divorce because could'nt continue,....she told me that still she can't be with man , but since we started to chatt since 4 months she stopped relations with girls, we do phone sex and she enjoy it ....actually she delared that she can't leave me , as she said"impossible" and will try her best to be together ..... What you advice ??


scotty 3 years ago

i dont normally post anything on these kind of pages but i have came into this problem well its a bit different here it goes, i have friend n and recently we have become close again the first time around i was with her she was bi sexual at the time but we never had intercourse but done other things as she said she liked girls more n it ended bag since that we were still close mates n she has been with girls since that but like i said we have become close again n recently we were talking n i said that i have always had a soft spot for and to my surprise she said the same n also said i am the only boy who she fancies but i always thought she was a lesbian n said this to her but she she iz open minded so we decided to get close n try intercourse which we did n she was fine afterwards but recently she said she wishes i was a girl so i cub her girlfriend cuz she doesn't think she cud have regular boy sex n thinks she is a lesbian which has totally confused me but yet again we were talking about it with friends they all said i thought you were gay n she replied well iam i think but im straight for Scott, its just totally confused me like what do i say or say, help!


Anonymous 3 years ago

I'm really glad I found this article, mostly for the solidarity. I'm in basically the same situation as many of the other posters here. I met this girl through a friend of mine and instantly though she was cute. I didn't know here orientation yet, and my buddy was crushing on here pretty bad, so out of respect for him, I backed off. Eventually he asked her out, she shot him down and he dipped out of both our lives for a bit. She doesn't have many friends so him leaving hit her kind of hard, since she still thought of him as a friend, so I tried to be there for her. Its been like that for about 4 years, going on 5, the two of us being each others emotional support whenever we needed it. We ended up getting really close, even dated for a few months thanks to some prodding for my friends who saw how I acted around her, but we never did anything physical, which I thought was just because she wasn't comfortable with that sort of thing. I never forced or pressured her into anything, and ultimately she broke up with me because she said she thought she might be into girls. Naturally, it hurt at first, but I got over it and we started hanging out as friends again. My feelings were still there though, but I never brought them up again. Time went on, she got into some sticky situations that really wore here down emotionally, and again I tried my best to be there. We kept getting closer and closer. Over the last few months, we kept toying with different ideas, talking about moving in together, experimenting with introducing a physical aspect to our relationship, and we generally just flirt and joke around with each other too. Two months ago, and this is going to sound really pathetic, but she actually gave me my first kiss. Never had one before cause I never really found the right girl. However, a couple of days ago, she told me that around the same time she had kissed a girl and really enjoyed it. She enjoyed kissing me too, but only in the emotional sense. I guess that means that she's emotionally attracted to me, but not physically or sexually. She said she's pretty much sure she's into girls now, but that she wishes things could be different, because a.) there aren't a lot of lesbians or bisexual girls where we live, and b.) because I'm her "perfect, dream guy", in the same way that she's my "perfect, dream girl", but she can't feel aroused by me. It sucks knowing that if circumstances were a bit different, we could be together. I promised her I would try to look around for someone else that can return my feelings. Now, I'll be the first to say that I'm not the greatest looking guy in the world, but I'm not the worst looking either. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm actually decent looking, and could probably get a straight girl if I wanted to. But I don't. This girl is everything I could ever want in a friend, girlfriend, wife, what have you. If I were to date another girl, it wouldn't be fair to either of us, because I feel like I'd be using her as an emotional distraction. I don't know what to do, and have no one to really talk to except her. I don't want to stop being there for her, as much for her sake as mine, since she's openly stated she doesn't want to lose me and can't imagine life without me there, and I feel the same way. But I've recently started thinking that maybe we should take a break from each other, just for a little while. Meh, thanks for giving me and others an outlet to vent and best of luck to everyone else in similar situations. I'll leave behind the same words I've been telling myself lately. "The future is unpredictable, anything could happen."


AbsolutelyTrue 3 years ago

it would be very hard for us straight guys to fall in love with a lesbian, knowing that she doesn't want nothing to do with us men in the first place. it is a very rare case to hear that a lesbian can fall in love with a straight man, but i am sure that it has happened at one time or another.


Ignoreme 3 years ago

At least I don't feel completely alienated reading through some of these comments.

You have your grouping of guys that are were previously married or that simply think of women on a different level that I do(b's & hoes). Its like a weak attempt of peer pressure. Sure there is that girl that is a b or that guy that is an ass, but its not everyone straight up and down.

I happen to like a girl who 'im pretty sure is bisexual or a lesbian. She has short hair but she has the type of look where it looks cool on her. Most of the time if someone is thinking they are being a certain way, you are. What I am trying to say is that I tend to come off as awkward or creepy no matter what with no intentions to intimidate. I'm pretty smart and not so into myself that I can't care about anyone else. While it might be hard to speak with a complete stranger there seemed to be some sort of attraction with this girl but anyway i'm experiencing that form of uncontrollable attraction that isn't remedied by going to a bar strip club or meeting random girl a b c x.

I went against my creepy thoughts and took a chance, whether it was designed to make me feel a certain way is all in my head. I am talented when it comes to drawing, like the people do in a courtroom and can draw anything im looking at. after seeing someone who happened to look like a portrait ive been drawing for years I for a moment though I should at least initiate a conversation.....is that crazy?

I'm not sure exactly if I am really asking a question but feel like a can relate to people who have already posted comments about this topic. Perhaps someone can relate to my comment as well.


Ignoreme 3 years ago

Just to add to this, if anything actually needs to be added, I liked this girl the moment I saw her, but didn't want to escalate to anything sexual initially, and still don't. That would of course be nice but she seemed like a cool girl and still might be. Her not talking to me as openly could be a result of many things. She seems shy but probably isn't, and might just think i'm an awkward creepy guy and is responding with that defense mechanism like anyone might to someone they don't know. All this makes me feel like something is really wrong with me. When did coffee become a date? Can't you just stand up against a wall talk and drink coffee? I'm rambling but this has to make sense to someone.


Ha Ha 3 years ago

Lock yourself up buddy, someone did design something for you and you aren't crazy.


Joe 3 years ago

What a learning experience? It has been 2 weeks that I met my first lesbian friend. I'm 31 years old and she's 34, we met running bicycles and she was gorgeous, she insisted on having my number and I actually couldn't see why such a fit, green eyes beautiful blonde 34 years old women would be interested in a 5'11 a bit overweight dude with some cool personality when she can probably select ANY guy in the world.

I didn't knew she was a lesbian until she confirmed by text. Every single day we were talking over the phone and texting each other, mostly being her who initiated. Our first date she ended up in the hospital because she fell of the bike badly, I brought her good food and the like to the hospital with her best friend along before they checked her after I took care of the bikes and that's when she probably confirmed initially I was a keeper, initially.

Few days later, Wednesday, she invites me to a bar with her two best friends both male and female there and her brother also being there. She was waiting to have a few drinks, I didn't connect very well as I felt the pressure, however, she still kept coming the next day and the next day to go out and have dinner.

The problem was yesterday when she told me she was going to date her an old ex she din't see for more then 6 months (friendzone initiation, sucks!) and that they were in a relationship on and off for more then 6 times in less then 3 years. I gave her my honest opinion by text late at night while she was dating and she got furious. It was illogical to tell her that type of relationship was going somewhere..

Now I feel like I totally lost her, she even insulted me saying that I din't have much to talk and that all I do is talk about XY things when I am certain we had good initially connection at least in the first bicycle date before she crashed! I know, to short and horrible, but in the last date in the bar on the way to the bar she said to "prepare myself my love" and the second time I called her she treated and referred to me as "my love" and all those intimate words you'll respectfully call a loving partner.

I'm a 31 years old fellow living in a cool penthouse here at Puerto Rico with all the goods to have amazing fun, boats, jetskis you name it and I am now unsure what she wanted out of me..

Should I let her cool now that she is pissed because I gave her my opinion on her previous ex?

What you guys think?! I feel so empty, for 2 weeks I was able to drop like 11 lbs in record breaking time, feel even better and exercise more consistently then I ever did before...

What the hell should I do if I want her back?!


Lomius 3 years ago

Wow I'm in exactly the same situation. But we've been intimate. It took 6 months of being her lesbro. (we always snuggled... i was her "snuggly bud"). But now she is getting physical with me. She is completely dominating with women, but she completely submits to me. Sweetest kisses, softest touches. Polar opposite of how she reacts with women.

But this is starting to scare her so she is backing off and cutting dates, etc...

I'm totally in love with her, we've had the talk. Intimacy doesn't change that. I was in love with her way before she touched me.

So she isn't backing away because of my affection. She's backing away because I think SHE is confused.

It really sucks.

So I'm thinking I'll be going back to step 4. We've been inseperable for 6 months.

But damned if I don't wish she will get over the confusion and just be with me.

It's rough so I feel for all you guys in the same boat.

Some of them don't understand that it's not a conquest. We truly love these women.


Help! 3 years ago

So I came across your post when searching for an answer to my own problem and I thought someone reading this might be able to help.

I'm 24 and I'm a lesbian who's has never been with a guy or used sex toys or anything like that but recently I've started to feel attracted to my best friend who is a straight guy.

We got really drunk the other night and kissed and I enjoyed it :-S, I think he enjoyed it as well and now I'm like what the fuck should I do? Should I ignore how I feel and hope it goes away or embrace the fact that I have these feelings and do something about it and risk losing my best friend?

Any help in this matter would be greatly appreciated because I don't have a clue what to do right now


The Real Answer 3 years ago

With so much more Gay And Bi Women these days, could that be very possible?


Lauren 2 years ago

Lol I just watched chasing amy last night and this article seems like a guide based on the movie


Johne852 2 years ago

Thank you for your blog article. Great. cdkdfeeddbak


Dugadoo 2 years ago

Obviously I have looked up this article because I am also currently stuck in this situation but I have to say that things progressed further and faster than either of us expected. We were co workers and started talking and becoming friends from there we began spending every night we worked together until 5 AM even though where we worked closed at midnight. At first we were just hanging out and bonding. Yeah she was attractive but she was open about her sexuality and we would occasionally joke back and forth, being that I had a bit of a rep as a manwhore. Well the more time we spent together, the closer we became. She lived with a girl she had been with since she was 13 but didn't love anymore and was also dating a girl that she claimed was her true love. As our friendship progressed, I started going over to her house whenever her live in girlfriend was at work. Eventually our long nights became watching movies and slowly became me holding her in my arms and her falling asleep on me which to me was a good sign of trust. We eventually started doing all the things couples do, only in secret so her girlfriends wouldn't find out. We went as far as to get sexual. Unfortunately she kept complaining that I wasn't a woman and that she was confused cause she loved me. This drove her insane cause supposedly her girlfriend was her true love but somehow I came along and she ended up loving me. The only issue was that I knew about the whole situation whereas her girlfriend didn't know a thing and so she felt guilty for cheating. I know that guilt plays a big part in our break up. I also know that it wouldn't be fair for me to start dating again knowing no one will make me feel the way she does. I know this is lengthy but I was wondering if you could offer some advice.


Tr1x 420 2 years ago

Tough situation to be in.. could use some advice.

I (straight-male) party with neighbor (girl "A") that I'm not attracted to. My neighbor has a friend (another girl, we'll call her girl B) who's lesbian and is attracted to my neighbor. Both girls have a short non-sexual relationship. Girl-A decides she didn't like the lesbian experience and goes straight again and stops talking to girl b. Girl B is devastated. I start to become really good friends with girl b. In the beginning I never really thought she was hot, I just thought she was okay. I never expected this to happen; after some time of getting to know her very well, I realized how much of a badass she really was and that's when the lovebug hit me. I cannot stop thinking about girl b. She has had an ex-boyfriend before but now claims to be a lesbian. She is struggling to get over the girl "A" fling.

Knowing her history of having an ex-boyfriend for 5 years, and never going all the way with a girl, (Yes our friendship was close enough to talk about this info) is there a chance she may be confused on what her sexual orientation actually is?


Kite 9 months ago

It seems I'm late to the party...but reading your article and some of the stories people shared I got encouraged to tell you mine. (Please bear my bad english)

In the 1st Q of 2012 I started to forge a very strong, really close friendship with this girl I already knew was a lesbian. In fact, around the last Q of 2011 she told me she was getting out of the closet (She has had previous relationships between her teens and early 20's with some men but all of them failed).

Anyway -back to 2012-, during that time we talked a lot almost every day and I mean A LOT (thanks to whatsapp), also got togheter for long walks once every 2 weeks or so... we even used to talk about our own love issues with other girls and things like that.

So time went by and just as 2013 was starting I realized I was actually developing deep feelings for her, I panicked since I was aware of the kind of trouble I was going to get involved with if I let myself fall in love with her, so one day...just like that, I stopped talking to her, she quickly noticed the change in my behavior and insisted to talk things out while I just ignored her for a few days, until I felt the guilt of my actions and told her that I just couldn't be her friend anymore. She insisted on talking things out with me in person so I agreed and met up with her.

When the moment came it was kind of a monologue, I explained her everything to detail and told her that I wouldn't want to let things get out of control for me and didn't want to bother her with that either since she is a lesbian so I was going to back away and move on... She just told me that she didn't even know what to say, but I did got her to tell me that she actually kind of knew what I was going to tell her. After that I told her that I was going to leave before it all gets more awkward and so I did, hoping that she would just stop me and say anything to me, but she did not.

Time passed by and on my birthday on 1st Q 2014 I received a strange email from her at 7:40am, it just said "I don't want to bother you. Happy birthday to you." By that time I was calmed enough and kind of over her (A bit more that a year passed by since the incident) So I took it gladly and told her it was OK and started to talk her in a friendly way once again, but it was not the same as before.

Since that day, 2 years have passed by and our relationship is quite different: during this time we haven't been talking as much but ocasionally, we still trust eachother and care for eachother a lot but I actually drew a very large line between us. I don't recall a single time I started a conversation between us after what happened and we still meet up for a long walk but just about once every 2 or 3 months, and we do it just because she asks for it and I still enjoy spending time with her.

The thing is lately she's only been reaching me when she's had problems with her job and/or minor trouble with her girlfriend (Yes, she has now one. Started to date her during that year we didn't talk to eachother) and wants to "clear her mind".

Last Friday she talked to me and straightaway asked me to go out because she's having recurrent quarrels with her GF (Who she lives with now), she wanted to talk to me, said that she wanted to "take a breath" because was feeling exhausted and such. I wasn't available that day but told her it was for me meet up the next day (Saturday). We had once again this long walk, talked about her issues and many other things -deep and/or philosophical shit- that I like to talk about with her...and I don't know, she's kind of different to me now, looks at me in some strange way...A way which made me realize I still have feelings for her.

The problem is that I do not want to get too involved with a girl who wouldn't want me the same way, and much less to become her "crying pillow". I just don't know what to do and I'm afraid I'd take this for a long time, I wouldn't like that.

I just haven't met another girl who makes the same kind of connection with me, they all seem so dull, shallow and boring to me.

Dammit I don't know what should I do, I was actually kind of good during the time we spent apart (After my wounds healed, of course), but it made me so fucking happy to know that she still cared for me.

I'm sorry for writing this much.

Cheers to you, your article is great.


Mike 27 hours ago

I'm in love with a lesbian. I have long hair, but I don't wear dresses. The thing is, her girlfriend doesn't either. The girlfriend is kind of tomboyish.

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