Why Scientists Say That Crazy-in-Love Feeling Always Ends

Updated on June 22, 2019
Dr Billy Kidd profile image

Dr. Billy Kidd researched romantic relationships for 15 years. He held focus groups in various cities across the nation.

I'm a psychologist. People often ask me, "Why did my feeling of being "in-love" end?" New brain research shows why. It is simple to understand.

What Happens During a Crazy-in-Love Romance

At the beginning of the 21st century, psychologists discovered that the obsessive thinking part of in-love, go-crazy romance lasts 3 to18 months. During that phase of a relationship, individuals are constantly focused on their partners. This is because their brain and body chemistry changes. This is somewhat similar to an obsessive-compulsive disorder.

What this means is one's brain and body chemistry causes a person to focus on one person out of all the available partners. This person is often called "The One."

Now a person does not have to ask if he or she thinks if they are in love, or what is love? A person is obsessed with this person. Everyone’s biological processes change and rebalance, and the feeling of obsessive, crazy-in-love passion always passes. Then some partners move into the second phase of in-love romance. Others feel like their partner is suddenly a stranger.

The Second Phase of In-Love Romance

The second phase of in-love romance is where people sometimes get excited upon seeing their partners and about doing things together. Closeness can feel rewarding. But people are not constantly thinking about each other day and night unless it is a dysfunctional relationship.

What’s important to consider, here, is that some individuals do not move into the second phase of in-love romance. Instead, they sober up to the fact that their partners do not feel like best friends do. People often blame their partners for this change in how they feel. That is because they think that something must have changed in them. But no, that’s not it. They were just not ready for what can happen when they fall madly in love, so they never move to the second stage of being in love.

Sobering up to the fact that one is no longer totally crazy about someone is quite common. Scientists have shown that this is a natural biological process. What is going on is that some of the neurotransmitters that regulate the brain’s circuitry return to their pre-romantic state through a normal balancing process. This causes people to snap out of their in-love trance and stop having obsessive thoughts about their partners. They probably still get excited when they see them if they have a functional relationship. When that is the case the situation is much less stressful, especially if they have become best friends and feel like family in a good way.

Often, however, like Romeo and Juliet, people really expected to go goofy over each other forever. So when the crazy in-love feeling fades, they have no idea of how to develop a mature relationship or how to plan for the future together. Instead their biological processes are telling them to move more deeply into the relationship or to get out of it. Often they search for reasons to blame each other. That's when the arguments start.

By then, it’s too late to simply go to being friends. That is because they probably never were real friends to begin with. They didn’t know each other long enough. Instead of admitting to their failure, people follow the script that they see role modeled on TV: Let’s fight!

Sound familiar? Sure, it happens every day. But instead of warning young individuals that this could happen, older adults and family members generally encourage partners to rush to the marriage altar. Individuals under this sort of family pressure get married without really knowing much about each other. People continue to do this despite the high divorce rate. They do not worry about not having a truly intimate relationship where partners honestly share their feelings. That’s because they are crazy in love. But when the crazy in-love feeling passes, the relationship becomes stressful.

Developing Friendship Is Key

Relationships do not become stressful because men and women have inborn communication problems. After all, they run corporations together without having a communication barrier. Rather, it is because the stress level is so high from this type of dysfunctional or codependent relationship that people get to a point where they are too burned out to talk. Under those conditions, they cannot move into the second stage of in-love romance, feeling rewarded sometimes when partners are together. This is the first factor of a lasting romantic relationship.

The next feeling is a mutually satisfying sexual relationship. The very important factor is being best friends. The next is feeling like a family in a good way. Another important factor is helping each other when asked and caring about your partner's future.

It may sound tough, but no one has to settle for a high-stress relationship. That is because these new scientific discoveries provide the tools that will allow partners to reframe their understanding of their romantic relationships. This knowledge will help a person to respond effectively to the various types of thoughts, feelings, and reactions that a person has with his or her partner. That, in turn, will allow one to communicate more effectively. But this requires an understanding of romantic love.

Remember, crazy love killed Romeo and Juliet. That was because they only had one of their five feelings of love engaged, the feeling of being obsessed with the other person. Romeo and Juliet did not know each other long enough to become friends. Without all 5 ingredients, it feels like something is missing in a partnership.

The 5 feelings of love are simple to understand, but most adults do not ever learn about them. You cannot learn it on the street or from friends. You must learn it by yourself or with your partner. Parents cannot help with this. And things are moving so fast these days there is little time and energy put into becoming best friends with your partner. This is one of the main reasons partners break up. If you want to move from crazy-in-love romance to the second stage of romance, you will need to work on being best friends with your partner. Studies show that long term relationship requires friendship between partners. Friendship is the key to moving from in-love crazy romance to the next step of creating a meaningful relationship.

References

Acevedo, B. P., Aron, A., Fisher, H. E., Brown, L. L. (2012) Neural correlates of long-term intense romantic love. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 7, 2, pp. 145–159.

Dryden-Edwards, R., & Stoppler, M. C. (2017). The difference between healthy and obsessive love. MedicineNet, np. Downloaded on January 13, 2019 from https://www.medicinenet.com/confusing_love_with_obsession/views.htm.

Langeslag, S. J., van der Veen, F. M., & Fekkes, D. (2012). Blood Levels of Serotonin Are Differentially Affected by Romantic Love in Men and Women. Journal of Psychophysiology 26, pp. 92-98.

Leckman, J. F., & Mayes, L. C. (1999). Preoccupations and behaviors associated with romantic and parental love: Perspectives on the origin of obsessive-compulsive disorder. Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Clinics, 8,3, pp. 635-665.

Marazziti, D. (2005). The Neurobiology of Love. Current Psychiatry Reviews, 1, 3, pp. 331-335.

Marazziti, D., Akiskal, H. S., Rossi, A., & Cassano, G. B. (1999). Alteration of the platelet serotonin transporter in romantic love. Psychological Medicine, 29, 3, pp. 741-745. Cambridge University Press: Cambridge, England

Marazzitia D., & Canaleb D. (2004). Hormonal changes when falling in love. Psychoneuroendocrinology 29, 7, pp. 931-936.

Zeki, S. (2007). The neurobiology of love. Febs Letters, np. Downloaded on February 19, 2019, from https://febs.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1016/j.febslet.2007.03.094

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment
    • Dr Billy Kidd profile imageAUTHOR

      Dr Billy Kidd 

      19 months ago from Sydney, Australia

      Devika,

      Absolutely! At some point in a lasting relationship a commitment to the relationship must be made by both partners.

      Thank you for pointing this out. In some countries, many young adults have turned to their friends for moral support and do not commit to a relationship until they reach 30 years of age. I'm curious if this feature of modern life has affected young adults in Croatia.

    • DDE profile image

      Devika Primić 

      19 months ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

      Being in love is hard and crazy love is just that as you have explained. Interesting and informative. To love someone unconditionally is rare and true but not without a commitment.

    • Dr Billy Kidd profile imageAUTHOR

      Dr Billy Kidd 

      4 years ago from Sydney, Australia

      Thanks toknowinfo for taking the time to read some of my stuff.

    • toknowinfo profile image

      toknowinfo 

      4 years ago

      You write great hubs! Your information is straightforward and makes for easy reading. I enjoy reading your writing. It is nice to meet you on HubPages, and I will be visiting you often. Voted up, useful, interesting, and awesome.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, pairedlife.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://pairedlife.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
    ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)