Stephanie has lived in Bend, Oregon, since 2006. She is raising four teenagers.
Are You Wondering Where the Love Went?
How many times have you reached out to a friend in a time of crisis, just to have her turn her back on you? Have you ever had a relationship dissipate, slowly, without ever knowing why? Do you ever lie awake in bed wondering if your parents love you?
These feelings and questions can be more than heartbreaking. In fact, they can be soul-damaging. A person who feels unloved may not just be sad or unhappy—such feelings can lead to despair or worse. Remember, however, that if love isn't available from the source from which you seek, it probably cannot be given. This isn't a deficiency of your character. Rather, the person, or persons, from whom you desire love and attention may simply be unable to express such emotions.
Love Is Risky
Putting your feelings out for examination by others is extremely distressing for some people. These individuals guard their feelings with a fortress of defenses to prevent injury to their fragile egos. This can include friends, lovers, and even family members. You may be surprised to learn that your brother or sister cannot be truthful or forthcoming regarding his or her love for you. Ingrained competitions (older vs. younger siblings) may still be at work. After all, you used to compete for your parents' limited love.
Even parents, ironically, can end up competing with their children. Some mothers may see that her husband favors a daughter. Or, the reverse may be true with a wife loving a son so deeply that this threatens the husband.
What to Do When Love Is Perceived Differently
Love means different things to different people. The giving and receiving of love is a dance. Take note that:
- Some need more love, while others want to give less. And yet, these people are bound together. If you are in such a relationship, you may need to redefine your expectations of each other to avoid disappointment and despair. With adults, it can come down to showing love instead of just saying so.
- What about when words and actions don't match? Discussions between those in the relationship may be able to resolve differences. For a child, both showing and telling are critical. You can't just tell your child that you love them when you act as if you are angry or upset with them much of the time.
- Additionally, even if you think that your extra efforts with regard to making cookies or attending field trips is evidence of your affection for your child, assuring them each night when you tuck them in that they are special and loved is an important way to end the day.
Sting's "Love Gone Wrong"
Various Ways to Show Love
- Hugging and kissing
- Holding hands
- Keeping promises
- Coming home early
- Cooking dinner (and cleaning up afterwards)
- Offering to taking on an unpleasant chore
- Giving flowers
- Listening attentively
- Knowing his/her passions
- Knowing his/her fears
- Knowing his/her life desires
- Writing love notes
- Preserving a special memory (photos, scrapbook, compilation of songs)
- Unselfishly devoting time and energy to him or her
Tackling Sadness or Loneliness From a Relationship
What about the sadness and loneliness?
Have you been the child or the damaged one in a relationship? Are you needing comfort and assurance? You will have to learn to love yourself first before you can completely expect someone else to do the same.
This definitely seems unfair and a huge burden to bear. But the result of feeling unloved invariably leads to lower self-esteem. This, in turn, can result in clinginess, lack of confidence, and other personality traits which can send any potential lover running fast. Here are some ways to address this:
- Start with a journal in which you can express your feelings on a daily basis.
- Consult with a counselor or religious leader.
- Many jobs also offer Employee Assistance Programs (EAP) at little or no cost.
Over time, you will gain confidence that you are a lovable person, regardless of your past. This should help you greatly in future relationships.
If your sadness or despair continues for more than 30 days without change, you should consult a physician. Medication and/or therapy may be necessary to get you on the path to a better mood and better love.
"Clarity" - A Poem of Childhood Sadness
Ice. Cold, hard, smooth.
What had been liquid the night before
has been transformed, overnight.
The world sparkles as the sun plays
Read More From Pairedlife
upon the crystals, their edges razor sharp.
Looking into a sheet of ice,
I see my reflection.
Blurred and distorted, the image I
perceive seems to be an illusion, a dream.
But I am not asleep.
The winter wind blows harshly across
my face, confirming my consciousness.
A single tear falls upon the ice
Soon, it too will become part
of this frozen world; trapped until
warmer days release it.
Realizing the bitter cold, I
turn and leave.
Searching for something I have not found,
the snow marks my path.
Footprints wander away...
Alanis Morissette's "Perfect"
© 2008 Stephanie Marshall
leslie on June 13, 2020:
I thank you
vegan42 on June 24, 2019:
“there is no love in human flesh, it is all loneliness. any semblance of love is shared illusion.”
Alex O. on May 28, 2019:
Life is something I cant control but the things I can control are the worste things
juliet on April 23, 2019:
I feel so alone and so down. I have a very stressful life and feel so used and unloved and have no one in the world to turn to.
Hey, Sarah on April 14, 2019:
Sarah doesn’t understand loneliness if she’s confused on why there is so many negative comments
Lonely Dan on January 23, 2019:
I just wanna feel loved.
Yume Chan on December 06, 2018:
To be honest... I can't believe there is such an enormous amount of negative energy in the comment section for this post.
Guys... you really need to wake up. I mean..
1. What's the benefit of those negative energy do to yourself and to the other who's staying beside you..?
2. If the peoples staying beside you is strong enough to accept those negative energy, that's good. but if they are not strong enough and they keep their self beside you, don't you think that you will only drag them down with you!? I'm not kidding here! that's why they choose to leave! It's because they are also not strong enough to accept those negative energy!! they also fragile as you are!!
3. Why do you feel unloved..? what it is love to you?? why and what did you expect from the others..? what others do and act it's their right! whether it's your mom or your dad or anyone who happened to pass in your life. You can't change everyone my dear..!! it's their own life! it's their own way to live!! but what about you? you can change yourself!!! you can learn how to live from them!!! you have your right to act the way you want to live! the only person you can change in this world first time it is you! yourself!! It's your life guys! when you see it is negative when peoples doesn't love the other, then why did you do the same thing as they do??! why did you act like those asshole?? why don't you be a better man than they are?? why don't love your own self?? why don't treat yourself better by switching those negative energy to something positive..?? I know it's not easy but it's possible as long as you eager to learn improving your own self and want to live better life!
Guys.. there is something you need to know how this mind work, and you should learn it start from your own mind. observe it and don't demand peoples to do what you want them to do but instead, apply it to your own self. Really. it's your own life. and others also have their own life! everyone have their own way how to live. you will someday find the environment which will suite your mind level. If you suffered from the environment where you are now, then leave those peoples. If you can't leave then, keep your distant from them but not with destructive your own self instead, live your life! be a better man than them. you will find your place over time! ❤
Here's a quote from Confucius which ones can apply to their life :
“Walking among three people, I find my teacher among them. I choose that which is good in them and follow it, and that which is bad and change it.”
Live your life guys!
“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.”
Sarah on October 14, 2018:
Please I need help I trying to cope with my feelings about my grandmother she passes in the year of 2012 and it affects me a lot I think of her everyday she was my only friend and everything in this world is like I can't stop thinkinh of her I always thought she was going to live full life. I know she is in Heaven and happy but dge made me smile always and I never shed one tear when I had her in my arms and when I was near her holding her sweet cold hands and looking at her beautiful face and smile when family around me I don't feel as happy as i used to feel....ehe is my life and always I love her so much with all my heart ❤❤❤❤
Michelle on September 26, 2018:
Im devastated please help
Alex on September 15, 2018:
I’m not necessarily sure whether or not this is due to me not loving myself but recently I’ve been feeling like my very existence and my needs are an annoyance to my father. He’s always been one to never really keep his promises to me but i don’t know it’s different now. He gets mad at every little thing i do and annoyed when I ask things of him, and they’re always simple things like I’m hungry can we get food or let’s go to the mall together there’s something I wanted to get (with my own money mind you)
D on August 10, 2018:
maria i feel exactly the same. I have recently split up with my partner that i still love. We still keep incontact tho most of the time he treats me like crap. Like im a burden. I feel outcasted by his friends to. Who i know are all backstabbing liars. This has made me feel paranoid and alone. I hope your ok?
maria on July 17, 2018:
why do all the people i love and give and share with end up hurting me and breaking my heart
Jennywoo on May 15, 2018:
I love life very much!! Life has given me a lot of good experiences which I love life even more!! Sometimes, evil people try to make me feel unloved, but I don't care what they have said about me!! I am certain about the fact that they don't love themselves much!! They don't have fun in their lives!! I can see through their games!! They mean nothing to me, I carry on to enjoy my time!! Thank for my dear!!
Love on May 12, 2018:
I love someone that hurt me a lot, that made me feel unloved. I have had these feelings for a long time and I want to live with that person for the rest of my life. I have written things down which helped me in realising that I will probably love them always. I have written things which I have shared with them and gotten some nice words in return, only to see how they slowly tried to not talk to me like they used to. That person did write small poems to me as well filled with feelings of all sorts, depending how they felt that day, be it love, sadness or happiness, so I didn't think that a small poem telling them they are worthy of being loved, would make things the way they unfolded since. After that they started ommiting things on purpose and not sharing things the way they used to. At first I thought it was just them being tired and believing the replies I got I didn't question things. I ended up being insecure in the long run because of how others have treated me, and I am trying to change that feeling and it seemed like the efforts were paying off until the one I love now started ommiting important moments or events that would help change their mood and affecting our relationship. I am not a saint either. I have asked questions which have hurt their feelings, but it was only to clarify if things are ok between us or if our feelings are still mutual. I love that person a lot and I don't want to live my life without them. I am also not obsessed with them as how some could think, because we both have our lives to tend to (work,friends or ourselves for example), but when we both see each other I would like to see they are indeed relying on me and that I am not just another person in their life. Sometimes they share things with me, but only if I ask. I know I am probably selfish but it would be nice if they were a bit more dependent on me than on others. I don't know why I can't be nice all the time and not hurt them with my questions, but other people have also taught me that there is no relationship of any kind if there is no communication and honesty between the two people. I am getting more and more insecure as time goes by when my questions aren't answered when they are important or they are answered with another question. My doubt only increases and my self esteem lowers, ending with me feeling unloved, unwanted and lonely. I don't know what to do when things like this happen.
unknown5 on April 15, 2018:
i just now stared to have this feeling that no one loves me so i cut myself with a pencil and it worked and all of my pain just dug a deper hole in me so i sucked it up and started a journal it made me cry the first couple words or sentences i wrote down but after half a page i stopped crying and this page helped a ton thx and so all you other wonderful people please don't think this way it's not good for you it will only make things worse you are loved, people do care about how you feel but if your not ready to tell anyone how you feel tell them your fine in till you gain the confidence to speak up like me with my mom she's a great person but she sometimes pushes it way to far and worry varey much about everyone even if she doesn't know them just like me i do the same cause i'm sick of people getting picked on by others and it's just not right
Depression on March 22, 2018:
I was lied to, many times times I was told I was loved by them, by in the end they always chose someone else while I was the rebound, just because I was myself. Even tonight I was rejected yet again. I cry a lot while they know I love them very much and nothing works anymore for me.
no one on March 15, 2018:
The fact that the people that I'm seeking their love know about me thinking that I'm unloved breaks my heart.
Nihal ali on March 13, 2018:
I am 18 year old.I am always feeling unworthy.My teachers give me a lot of homework on dailybase.I am not good and I am upset.. :((
Hope on February 28, 2018:
I'm definitely unlovable, not sure what made me who I am.. but I'm intimidating , usually pissed off and feel ugly.. I try really hard to be liked, so much of that isn't even real..
Not sure how I even still have family around me, but it feels for ED, even gave up therapy Because I felt she didn't like me either
How do I get better
Anjith on February 22, 2018:
Love is a fantasy for me in this life. I guess I am unworthy of being loved. The bright side is, I can't knowingly and unknowingly hurt anyone.
Lee on January 09, 2018:
A caption of life is no longer sentient and creative of memories with our senses of life. To love a life is to be loved and felt .Who but are we that has time not to love or to be loved .I say the human body is the soul it belongs to the earth and the life force that drives it belongs to another.
Know we not why a soul has so much need to be loved and to love .Enjoying life to the serenity it was meant to enjoy .We mourn for the loss of love that we can not build in our memories which binds us to another. So as it is with our large spirited life force. Our minds heart goes to what little time is enjoyed by the ones that we know and love .When away, A life force shall be truly missed and felt by the world. We love and need others as we want to be loved and needed for whom without would be loss of Love Of Life! Truly I say love each other from the dawn of life until the end of life knowing comfort in your minds heart that you are loved because you love.
Mindy on January 04, 2018:
It is hard to realize that who you thought should love you, act as if they don't or don't know how to love you. I think that some of us just have to learn how to love ourselves. It's sad to see it happening to little kids and to grandparents. It's hard for those in the middle, too. When you are expected to do so much. Medication can truly help but what's most important is to deal with it. It can take years to rectify and you may not get it all figured out as quickly as you wish you could. The pain is real. But love is there inside of you. When you find it, you start to realize that groups in your community may be a good fit for you. It's never too late to join a club to look for friends. That's the next step in my journey. I'm starting to wonder about people who like the same sorts of things that I do and want to use the internet to finds groups that I can join. I never knew my extended family. My favorite member of my immediate family passed away years ago. My dad has been gone for more than 20 years. My mom has mental health issues, of which I am sure I inherited. I can't keep a relationship and I can hardly keep a job for more than a few months. But it's been hard so often for so long that I always, eventually pull through and learn something that makes me more of the person that I want to be, and be to others. It's a slow and painful process that can be so devastating if it's only happening to you now, later in life, but jst don't give up on yourself. Seek help. Most of my help has been from social workers and medical proffesionals. Friends, coworkers, family, neighbors, strangers...it's hard for them to understand. Just talk to someone who knows how the human mind works. Find ways to get yourself healthy, but be happy when you do find ways to get better and feel better. Itherwise, you will just makes things harder on yourself if you berate yourself for not being able to do better. Hang in there and love yourself. Then, when you find the right person who you want to snuggle up with and feel good with, you can keep it. Because you learned to love and take care of yourself.
Lee on December 30, 2017:
Josh , I am there now . I am 66 years old and all members of my family , brothers sisters parents cousins etc are gone . I only have a wife and 2 daughters and 2 grandchildren that we are not close to anymore . My wife and I fight and when we do she reminds me of how much she hates me . There isn't anybody left to love me or let me know hat they actually care for me . What is to be done ? Work associates are not real friends . Someone please offer me something .
Josh on December 24, 2017:
What if it's not just your partner that doesn't love you? What if your own family just doesn't like you? What if your true friends were not even friends at all? What if everyone you personally know on planet earth just doesn't like you? What if you just don't belong.... God! Even the cat doesn't like you? Yet you suck it up every day and pretend to be happy and try to spread love and positive energy. How long do you think one would last for? Even if he is already having suicidal thoughts?
Mateo on November 28, 2017:
I spent my time into her and showed her all the love but I never got anything in return but death threats and lies, or what people call lies but she calls 'the truth but her mind is just screwed up'.
Debbie on June 15, 2017:
It is difficult for those of us who has been unloved and marginalised throughout life. You may pull urself up only to find urself alone, rejected, and experiencing deep emotional pain. Those of us who experience this first in childhood and from parents who also were not taught how to love seldom resolve such issues. The predators who use us can spot us a mile away. They take all we give leaving us barren. I am a mental health counselor. I have yet to find my healing and have only witnessed healing in those that find their self worth in the eyes of another.
clerk on April 11, 2017:
Thank you for your advise I feel whoaoh....now
Kathy on March 27, 2017:
Love your voice.
Jose Mnauel on March 04, 2017:
I need love right now... I feel like I've been left behind and no one loves me... my own family doesn't even appreciate my presence... when there's no family... how can I even feel love from someone... I love myself but I still feel so sad... I neeeed love T_T I think of killing myself everyday.. but I keep on praying to god... so I'm still here... fighting... :(
PMS, La frontera, Teambuilders on November 18, 2016:
I need a rootbeer
Feeling lonely, want friends, want happiness
And feel like talking to my 1996-1997 teacher
About what I did in tularosa in 1996-1997 life
dwight on October 20, 2015:
I feel lonely and unloved everyday.
I sit in same room as wife, but she is occupied with ipad and fb.
Dont have any friends
Dont go anywhere
Whats the best way to get her attention?
I have thought of a couple, but the result would b permanent and prolly what she wants.
I dont socialize with family, most of the time my coworkers give me a hard time but i tell them how it makes me feel and it seems like it gets worse.
Basically, i didnt ask to be here and i have nothing to offer anyone and noone has any time for me
Whats the best permanent solution for my dilemma?
Stephanie Marshall (author) from Bend, Oregon on April 10, 2015:
Hi Nancy - another hubber from Bend, Oregon! Hooray! Thank you for the comment.... and yes, oftentimes our first love disappointment is from immediate family members/parents. So glad you have a loving family today! Best to you, Steph
McKenna Meyers on April 10, 2015:
When we're younger we spend so much time trying to get love from those who simply don't have it to give. As we get older, we look for love from other sources and can be so happily surprised. My parents were incapable of giving me much love, but I found it later from friends, pets, a husband and kids. Just never give up and keep looking. Thanks for the thoughtful hub, Stephanie!
LYNDA MEURANT on December 01, 2014:
I was abanneded at age of 1, a very troubled child never felt any happiness,ran away from foster home lived on streets at 13,years later met a man, he never loved me, he constantly abused me every day,and also did such horrible thins to me and my young son, 8 years later he died..years went by I met a man,been together 19 years,blames me for every thing I am mentally ill now, I feel he only allows me here cause of that
Ben on March 18, 2014:
Well for many of us single men out there, we're certainly hurting very much too since we had just gone through a divorce since we're all alone ourselves now. And i am hoping that many of us will find the right woman now to settle down with. Loneliness is the worst thing in the world for many of us right now.
Donna on January 30, 2014:
I am so heartbroken....I came from a poor family, 7 siblings and I being the youngest. I promised that life for me would not be the same, so when i started to work i gave all i had to my family...and they took. I always felt a deep responsibility. I was so happy to give and give. Now even today at 53, I still am giving and have given all i basically have. But I am finding out that others do not appreciate it...and it really hurts. Many have so much more then me $$$ which is great, but still want all i can give them. Now I am drained out, with the pain and disappointment of their reactions towards me....I no longer want to give freely without even receiving some kind of gratitude in return...
I am truly heartbroken from the reaction of family members...and i just want to go away from them and this world.
ewarner2000 on July 04, 2013:
Hey, I feel very unloved and as if my so caled family aren't my famiky, I mean they prefer my so called little brother. They make me do everything and I get this funny feeling about them from my gut
Anonymity on June 18, 2013:
In truth, I can say I do not love myself. But I do love another. About half a year ago I realized that I was truly in love with someone. We had been dating for a few months when she told me that she loved me as well. A relatively short while afterwards she left me for someone else. I often feel as if I will never manage to shake my feelings of being unloved and abandoned. I miss her so, but know that I will likely never again hold her in my arms....
PRAMOD C from WAYANAD on May 22, 2013:
Sandy on April 29, 2013:
I have no any assets, bank balance, friends, relatives or job... but I still love my family, this earth and I believe one day I will get everything... Till than I live alone. Doesn't matter people talk against me negtively. Once night passes day will come. I love you all...
Monica on April 25, 2013:
That poem was beautiful. I shed a tear as I read that.
suzan on September 21, 2012:
When I married my husband I was already pregnant and so I didn't have a job. He had a really good job though so I was able to stay home and take care of our son when it was born. When we had our second child we moved to a bigger house, but then strange things started to happen. Things would fly off the walls and doors would slam at night. Our oldest son talked about seeing figures and hearing voices. We consulted a medium and they said the house was haunted. After living there about a year more with only minor occurrences we moved out. That was when the bad luck started to happen. Everything started to fail, with my husband's job, our money and our luck in general. I went back to the same medium and they told me that a spirit had followed me and placed a curse upon me for disturbing it and not being respectful in the previous house. He tried to remove it but was unable. The misfortune kept going on and getting more severe as I tried to search out someone to break the curse. But when I found Dr OMO spell he finally did it. Things started turning around almost immediately after he cast the spell and have been great from there! This was really a miracle for us, thank you Dr OMO spell from the bottom of my heart! Contact: email@example.com
L.Shu on August 13, 2012:
It speaks volumes the amount of responses to this blog. and makes me sad. There are ssooo many people living in true pain and loneliness. Feeling unloved unwanted unneeded and completely alone. I too can relate to many of the blog entrees and offten feel unloved and not worthy. Iam no ones priority and this hurts me to my very core. I am 47 female stuggling to find courage and strenth to end an unhealthy 10year relationship and move on to finding and loving myself. Iam painfully aware that "more of what don't work...don't work!" But haven't been able to find my power to change my life. Looking for fullfillment threw others and it never working and therefore felling unworthy and unloved. The victim seems to have become my identity. I nolonger want that role. Holding on to abandoment, sexual child abuse, and the disappointment that relationships always bring is like cancer eating life away. Its all ssooo sad. To be victim as an identity is only setting myself up for a life of negative energies. I HAVE MADE A DISISSION TO TAKE MY POWER BACK. QUIT WITH THE BLAME GAME AND USING THE VICTIM ROLE AS A CRUTCH. Journeys begin with a single step and my first foot has just hit the floor!
believer in Christ on July 04, 2012:
Jesus said “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-29
God loves His children
kaitlain on July 03, 2012:
I am 12, yet i have tried to commit sucide MANY times and i slit my wrists because everyday and every night i feel less loved and wanted like there is a picture and i am slowley being rubbed out. My parents think its a faze but i have been like this all my life. I keep telling myself there are worse people who don't have anyone but i just keep knowing i am worse in a way because i have people who don't want me! The worst thing is i keep getting abused and people keep saying i am ugly and stuff, I just want to say to them U know my name not my story but alas i have lost all self confidence. Kaitlain.
barl on June 14, 2012:
52 and was told the day I was born that i was ugly by the midwife and then recently again by local clergy who bullied me out of the church- younger school days picked in because i lived on the council estate and yet was a in top set and i shouldn't have been. Have never had anyone to be loved by, can never be a mother, really have no reason to go on - will even have to write my own funeral talk because no one knows me well enough to speak about me- any who have befriended me at all have theri own families, partners and i can never be a priority to anyone and certainly not to myself, actually no one will miss me at all as long as I give the dog to someone else. When I was bullied out of the church by the vicar the powers that be said it was his fault but never once did i get an apology and he still sits in his job having ruined my life all because i am a woman and of course ugly, invisible and now forgotten - i hoep no one ever goes through that .... not strong enough to fight it anymore.
mac on June 01, 2012:
I show love without expecting love in return. I express it to everyone I come in contact with by smiling, showing kidness, respect, showing genuine interest in others, helping in anyway I can. I'm not angry if I don't get shown it inreturn, I try to brush it off as often as I can. But it does gets hard to keep up the general moral when your energy gets low and u need someone like yourself to be kind and generally show they care. I come from a very small family. Mom and dad. Brother. Parents devoriced brother died. In no way am I angery. But just keep my faith that if I show others good and love it will be felt by someone who needs it. I am sad that as much as I show love, that there isn't as much coming back my way. ( not an expectation) just surprised. I feel as though I have to insights inside of me. One who loves all things this world has offered (the beauty, people, animals, nature, ect) one who longs to feel total love, acception of the soul in which I carry. The passion I have about life, living things, and humans. I still have yet to meet a similar soul. I carry a large amount of grief for the loss of past relationships but I don't let that hold me back from sharing the love I have to give.
Anonymous on May 18, 2012:
i feel really really unloved.
this is so depressing.
i'm always left out and now 2 of my friends are tweeting stuff indirectly aimed at me.
i sent a msg to one of them asking her to say it to my face but she replied with: how can u be so sure it's aimed at you? ahahaha
they didn't even tell me what's wrong or what i did wrong.
they suddenly ignore and that's it.
my closest best friend is out of town and i would be going to school one more day without her and it sucks.
Please cheer me up :( depressing life.
LovehopePeace on May 08, 2012:
Please do not think about ending your life or committing suicide? You have a purpose in this world! You should find it! Maybe learn to love yourself more than loving others. Think of all the great things you did and be proud of it. You are blessed that you are Not disabled or abnormal! Think of those people that have cancers and want to live more but they can't and you have a chance to live your life. There is a purpose trust me! Sorry for poor english
bubbles on May 07, 2012:
My family makes me feel very dumb and like I don't belong in this family
Truther on April 28, 2012:
My story is like this, when I was young my parents split up. My mom took me as a little child, put me by my grandma and left, I grew up virtually with no parents, when I was younger I was blamed a lot for problems. Now that's I am 20. I am scared to take places in authority, like taking care of children etc.. Some how when I turned 14 I ended up living with my dad, I liked him but he was never there for me. He preferred going out with friends and over working. Web spent very little time. Because I did not bond with my dad I started getting attraction to men, to fill the void, to show and teach me things father are supposed to teach their sons.my dad would have women friends, and give the stuff and insult me infront of them. My Mom ignores me when I ask her for stuff. What gets me upset about my mom is I ask her and she ignores me, he brother asks her and she blesses him, even though he is a grown man with kids and does not work. He ask for things she gives him. My father went holiday and brought me not one thing, even though I'm his son, yet women he gives and brought stuff for. I try to look at the --they cannot give love argument, but why can my parents give others love but not their own child, -- never the less, I am greatful they raised me, and I'm plotting to look for the love I need in another place. To heal my same sex attraction. BeCause now I understand, I just want my parents/father to say he accepts me. Or a male father figure, and then I will be OK.
psychicdog.net on April 11, 2012:
Great hub! How often do people meet us where we are at or even know what we need to hear? And why should they? Being real is sometimes seen as insensitive when someone is in need - though if compared to some other lives the need is out of all perspective!
preshislove on April 11, 2012:
Yea im 12 abd i just feel so alonelike nobody loves me like i have bo parents like im just a ghost wandering a home what fo i fo
Stephanie Marshall (author) from Bend, Oregon on March 25, 2012:
Let me just say that my sister treats my mom the same way (and frankly my mom treated all of us like that too). Saying I love you is "dangerous" in my family. My family members have protected themselves by erecting a barrier and not showing affection.
I don't know you, or your children, but it sounds like they are hurting you (unintentionally or otherwise) simply because they are not strong enough to actually share their feelings with you. I am so sorry that you are sad, in pain and exhausted. Wishing you all the best, Steph
cheryl on March 25, 2012:
My children distance themselves from me. I send emails and messages to them daily, and don't get response from them. My one daughter, once in a while will replyand end with, 'warm regards from...'. no love, hugs, kisses. I always keep in contact, otherwise I won't ever hear from them. I'm exhausted now, it's painful. I don't think they care less about me.
stessily on February 23, 2012:
Steph, You've displayed compassion in writing about unrequited love. Your poem is powerful; the pain comes through your words clearly; your imagery is strong. I am glad that you managed to bounce back.
Thanks for sharing.
Laura on February 17, 2012:
I love your writing Steph...I am a 3rd wife to a man who doesn't seem to understand how to show affection....all i can do is dream
findingaway on December 09, 2011:
my name is derek im 25 ive been searching online reading threads hubs blogs the mier fact that so many people deal with feelings such as being unloved and having anxiety and feeling depressed is alarming. i to have been trying to deal with these conditions for who knows how long. ive had good times and a lot of bad times.. ive been rejected by nearly every girl ive tried for the very few that haven't only used me for money i really didn't have to give or getting high because i smoked pot. its so sad when you can make friends but it feels like i can only get so close with them when i get a handshake or a hug or a fist bump its suppose to resemble some form of love caring compassion but for some reason i just don't comprehend it as that. i feel that my confused emotions over the years have left me feeling empty even sort of dumb when i cant remember things from my past or when someone asks me what i like sometimes i hit a brick wall in my mind and don't know what to say. it kind of hurt me when i went to an eye doctor about 4 or 5 years ago and he looked at my eyes and said hmm.. curious i asked what. he said.. your eyes are beautiful.. but its almost like a vacant mansion. it looks gorgous on the outside but looks empty on the inside. i used to be 300 lbs but ive managed to lose 105 pounds but still feel like im not good enough for a girl because im half bald more so then my dad. its hard to hear people say you should talk to a professional trust me i would like to i feel it would help me a lot but you cant do anything without having money and insurance companies are seemingly useless. whatever happened to giving... or even trade. such as ill give you therapy if you go help ppl feed the homeless or give shelter to someone who is... these days a lot of people seem so selfish and some of you might say you should provide shelter for homeless people. believe me if i could trust that i wouldn't be robbed or worse and there was some form of trade such as cleaning or food i absolutely would. ive been homeless twice nearly died the first time with my golden retriever riding shotgun in my broke down firebird in the dead winter of january in pennsylvania it was about 20 degrees we spent 2 weeks till i managed to find a job and a basement to live in for 200 bucks a month.. i enjoy being around people but i dislike the fact that i feel so isolated even when im around people theres a lot of times ill get anxiety because i don't know what to say.... trust me if you are reading this you arnt alone. and don't give up. keep searching.. there has to be a way. the human brain is complex but like a book it can be studied like it has more so since the 1960's its been 40 years cell phones smart cars and all kinds of modern technoledgy has been made.. im nearly positive there are ways to combat these feelings.. and start living a healty loving life..
ph on November 24, 2011:
Thanksgiving. We're all supposed to be with our family sipping eggnog in front of the warm fire exchanging stories of our childhood while the background music changes from the heartless mundane pop singles to Christmas tunes that remind us of how much our family and friends mean to us, so full of cheer, happiness, love, but somehow that love doesn't exist. Twenty-five years have gone by and not a phone call from any of my three brothers, aunts, uncles,cousins... only left with the memories of the hateful, sexual things my brothers did to me because I was the youngest and couldn't defend against them. I wanted to call my Mom but the two brothers that did those things are there visiting doing those things that family's are supposed to do on thanksgiving while I sit here with my son waiting for one of them, any of them to acknowledge my existence, or my sons. I can see the airport tower from my house, less than a mile away,that's where the one brother who didn't touch me, but laughed while the others did, landed two weeks ago to go hunting with one of the other two, he must have driven right by in the rental car. I sit here typing away while the phone remains silent, the television constantly barking orders to spend our last dimes at their establishment rather than someone Else's before the weekend runs out while they try to squeeze bits and pieces of some shitty remake of a classic movie(Charlie and the chocolate factory) between the commercials. I've worked for the same company for eighteen years now and went to the food bank for dinner tonight, while my boss and his wife went out on his new Harley to some unknown location. I try to keep my chin up and brush everything under the rug but it seems the days that I trip over that lump grow more and more frequent. as an adult male I'm supposed to be strong, confident, non-feeling, but I find myself tonight trying not to cry in front of my son at forty-three, wondering how to teach him the importance of family on this holiday. Still the phone remains silent, it's almost nine o'clock now. I'll go to work tomorrow and see all the people cheerful and seeming so happy with their lives, and wonder if they are all hurting inside and covering up all the tainted memories with a fake smile like I am, or maybe I'm all alone in this
KD on November 09, 2011:
I know exactly how it feels with the curse of being unloveable. It is the worst thing a person could ever be afflicted with. Every single person I have ever Loved has either died or left. My dad,mom,brother,sisters,ex bf,husband,2 sons, current bf is in jail..., best friend of 11 years, anthr close friend left me on side of road alone,packed a bag ahad nothing else and told me she was on way..i thought i was moving to a new city with her and was offered a job at her office..instead she never showed up, unfriended me on fb and haven't heard from her since.i don't know why, i love others very much and try my hardest to show it. I guess its hard to show when you have never experienced it yourself.
Kicked in the rear end all the time on October 23, 2011:
My husband does this all the time, and it began before we married. I 'thought' it was worked through beforehand, but this worsened from day one we moved into his house, blending a family of his 3 grown daughters to my one 6 year old in the same house. He always took and will take favorites with them, no boudaries set or will never learn to set any. I left that house 6 months after moving in, moving out 5 months ago. We are still married, but he still uses me as his door mat. I stay away from him and not associate with him as much as possible, hoping someday he will miss me as much as he says he does but really do something about it. Counseling lasted one time, he denied everything in counseling seeing he was not wrong. Then one day, he said he realized what I was talking about, told his family how he messed with me, threw me under the bus were his words, but then the day after our first anniversary coming home from an out of town trip, he said he only confessed to his family because he wanted to make it right for him. How angry do you think I became? Yes, when pushed over the limit, I am not a very stable person and I lashed out to him and told him to get f....d. I have put up with so much of his girls getting their way, and he denying me over them. Over and over, it has driven me to even receive medication, my nerves cannot handle the stress. He drove me almost to death, when I realized what was happening, I had to turn to God so strongly. They all laughed at me, literally, told me I was crazy. They drove me to the point I had to seek medical assistance. None of the family ever came to me to say they were sorry, all those that passed rumors or were brutal to me. He leads a life as though he were not married, not taking responsibility but only for himself and his family. He said he loves his family, what was I? I try to get him away from me, I do need a divorce to move on but I don't even have the money for an uncontested divorce, and I have asked him to file for one. He does not! He plays with my emotions, to the point I wish him away! Not death, but I wish he would disappear.
A 1 on October 09, 2011:
Can you be with someone that you can show affection and complements to you daily, but they can't do it in return, how does this make me feel, i will tell you lost,lonely,unloved feel like you don't matter any more. Pls somebody help me!
Tom on October 04, 2011:
I just found this site randomly - it`s not as horrible as what everyone is going through, but after a very long night, I had to have this dream about a guy returning my feelings - and then wake up to the fact that no guy is returning my feelings, and having to see so many happy relationships everyday - I just felt miserable, unloved, and needed some kind words to help point me in the right direction; thank you for those words Steph.
To respond to Church - it hurts me to read what experiences you`ve had. This is naturally not my place to say who is worthy or not, but if it helps - I deem you worthy. The fact that you are searching for answers - that is such a human thing to do, and despite having so much hell behind you, it`s so clear how much humanity you have within you - that`s precious. Don`t stop asking, don`t stop questioning, don`t stop searching! You will find your answers!
I can`t find where I read it, but thank you to whoever talked about "where is the love" - it made me immediately listen to the Black Eyed Peas song, which gave me that determination again to give love whereever I can. To stop the systems that cause such loneliness and hatred and animosity - I may not be able to get love the way I want, but I have the privilege of being able to give it.
With love to all
Church on September 30, 2011:
My family has never loved me my entire life.
My mother and my father weren't even in a relationship, they just met up every few months and had sex, at a time where my mother was perpetually drunk on peach wine. She told me this.
I was an accident. A mistake. An unwanted mistake.
My mother decided to keep me so she would feel less lonely. But after I was born she just felt more lonely. My crying annoyed her, and she didn't like the responsibility, so she left me with my grandparents for weeks, months at a time. I came across this in an old journal of hers.
My grandparents stuck me in front of the tv and ignored me otherwise. I used to sit by the door hoping either my mother or father would come. When my mother would come and take me out for a few hours, it seemed like the happiest time of my life. Same thing when my father occasionally came to take me to the park.
As I got older I got less cute, I guess, because family members stopped even pretending to like me. My mother almost never came around, and when I got to live with her for awhile I got blamed for everything that went wrong in her life. And even though apparently my father used to hit and choke her, too, she didn't believe me when I said he was doing it to me. No one believed he was doing it to me.
Over the years it's just gotten worse. My grandparents have told me they wished my mother had gotten an abortion, wished I was dead, and that if I wanted to kill myself they didn't care, as long as I didn't make a mess. I haven't talked to my father in five years. I stopped talking to my mother for four, gave her another chance, and have recently been beating myself up for that seeing as how she hasn't changed at all.
Were kids at school horrible? Yes. Have the teachers, social workers, therapists, and police been horrible? Yes. I've only been in love once, still am, since I was fifteen years old, and he doesn't want me either. But at the end of the day it always comes back to my family. Like, I'm never going to get over it. I don't know how. I mean, how do you get over the very people that brought you into the world not wanting you in it?
How do you get past that? How do you live on? How can you learn to love yourself when no one else has deemed you worthy of such a thing?
I've had people to tell me to just get over it. They meant well. And I've tried, but ... I just don't know how.
I first tried to commit suicide when I was four. I didn't know it was called that then. I first wished that I'd been aborted when I was five or six. I didn't know that word either. But when I turned ... nineteen, I stopped being suicidal. Since then I've felt ... too hopeless ... to be suicidal. I've halfway convinced myself that this isn't Earth at all, it's Hell, and if I kill myself I'll just be reborn into the same life over again. There's no escape from it.
Stephanie Marshall (author) from Bend, Oregon on August 30, 2011:
Psymon, you are right that not all women are the same. I am so sorry to hear your struggles. There will be someone that can see the beauty of your soul, rather than judging the book by its cover. Be gentle with yourself.
Ethan D on August 30, 2011:
Hey, I know what it feels like to be unloved, no girls want to date me cause I'm not good looking or have lots of money. But there will aways be someone that loves you, rather friend or family. I have been trying to get this girl that I fell in love with 3 years ago, but never had any luck, it hurts my heart and my soul. But I always get through knowing that I can make it better for myself in the future. Everybod always tells me that "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". You gotta keep trying, nothing comes from self doubt and no self confidence. You just gotta work at it. I hope you listen to me. Someone cares.
Psymon Deadman on August 30, 2011:
Discretion aside, right?
*sigh* here goes...
Child abuse survivor with severe abandonment issues...
Never had a relationship that didn't end with me learning she was sleeping with everyguy in sight, from highschool to last ex...
Now 31 and have been single since 25... And not a single day of it has been bearable... And i'm not reffering to just the past 6 years...
I'm obviously unattractive, why else have i been ignored by literally every girl and smart enough to know that when someone says sympathetically, " you're attractive...", they're just being nice because noone will just flat out agree with you and be honest enough to say, " you're ugly...", that's just mean...
I work a crap job and make a crap paycheck to barely be able to afford to survive... And when girls find out you're poor, they instantly loose all interest in you...
Lost the vision in my left eye as a child, so i've never had a liscense or a car... Again, girls learn this and instantly loose interest...
As i've suffered this wretched existence i've come to realize there is no point to life at all... It's just a bunch of selfish animals doing whatever they want with no care for the damage it causes... Because of this, i have no goal, or dream, or plans for the future (because to be honest, i was supposed to be dead at 23, but then you wake up hand-cuffed to a hospital bed...) When girls learn that you have no goals, they loose interest...
Catch a running stanza in this equation yet?
Not trying call it out so harshly, but this is all i've ever noticed... Girls want a guy with money and a flashy car, a muscular body, blach, blah, blah... Sickening
Now this can't be true for the whole gender, so to be fair i will acknowledge the females who aren't total whores and a waste of flesh: you're all married, pregnate, or too young to have been turn into a whore by society... So you're obviosuly off the radar\ market, what have you...
Now, i can already hear this response, and YES, i get it a lot, you should look into professional help... The problem here, is that these people are paid to listen... They don't care about you or your problems... Just the hourly rate...( Been there as a child)
So there we have it... No reason to have even shared any of this, because noone cares either way right.?.
As always, i'm sure there was an original point here, but i've ranted that away...
Ethan D on August 28, 2011:
That poem was really helpful and amazing. it sparked a feeling in me that I haven't really noticed before, but it was a good feeling, not a bad one. Thank you for that.
To my wife on July 20, 2011:
I am truly sorry that I've not known how to help you feel more loved. Having no knowledge, until now, of what being depressed feels like, I'd never known how devastating it is. I don't know how you've managed to live with the kind of pain and emptiness I'm now feeling.
I've tried for 10 years to show you that I love you. Yes, I've made stupid decisions in my quest to find a truly meaningful connection, and I know those decisions have damaged you even more. Now, in my failure to help you feel loved, I feel like I'm being pulled into the same abyss of depression and despair.
I am going to find a way out of this. I cannot continue to live life feeling worthless and unloved. I will never cease to offer you any help I can give, and I just hope and pray that you will want to find your way out too.
Please know that I will love you forever, and even if you cannot show me that you love me I will not stop.
totally alone on July 17, 2011:
Totally alone and unloved . I now have no friends , no family , been hurting for years . I've had people hurt me time and time again . I'm medicated for depression . I've been living like this for a long time . Now , i don't even know if i could let someone in . I look for love, quietly , i look .
forjo on June 26, 2011:
Tigress: Men clam up or walk away when they think they aren't making you happy. They don't see the use in continuing if they can't make you happy. So if you often complain even if it's just for him buying the wrong brand of something..their interpretation is I CAN'T MAKE HER HAPPY!!! Never tell a man you want to have a talk about your feelings, Men don't know how to talk about feelings mostly. If you say you're unhappy or sad because of something he did, it is accusatory to them, and they feel responsible for not being able to make you happy. If you're unhappy about a situation, make it about you, not him. Or off they go; or some would rather just be single than make the one they love unhappy. Besides you shouldn't rely on others to make you happy, make your own happiness and rely on yourself and your own independance financially especially. Your partner should compliment your already happy life, not be relied on to make you happy if you're miserable to begin with.
Michael on June 18, 2011:
At 53, I feel this way and have all my life. Unaffectionate parents, no siblings, a failed 19 year marriage with a woman who expected to be pampered. The therapist tells me I need to learn to love myself, but without a foundation, how do you do that? I'm a very honest, loving, loyal and patient person, but it seems that's just not enough. The beings that seem to want to be with are canines, which I love dearly, but I can't even have a dog now because of my work schedule.
I know what I need to do, just can't seem to figure out how.
Thanks for the forum to vent.
Savvylynne on June 11, 2011:
This is the first hub I've ever read and I'm glad I did.!.! Now I've signed up on Hub:) a big thanks.!.!:)
Curious Bystander on June 07, 2011:
Very beautiful. An arrow straight.
Stephanie Marshall (author) from Bend, Oregon on May 14, 2011:
Thanks Becca - big hugs to you!! Steph
Becca Lopez on May 14, 2011:
Love your hub! I've had a rough childhood and this helped. Especially the poem.
unknown on May 13, 2011:
nothing can help at at all the way i feal but everything you say is the way i feal. feal so alone all the time and i feal like everyone hates me and i don't know why ive done nothing wrong. i hide away all the time because i don't want to face anyone ive only been out the houce a couple of time in a year and i feal deppresed and i cant take it anymore.
NamelessAngel on May 10, 2011:
Wow. How true.
Isn't it funny how you find a writer that describes exactly what you're going through?
Anoymous on April 23, 2011:
I too have felt unloved still to this day i don't understand why even though i could love why do people can't seem to understand me. Sometimes i wished for someone to have a good pure heart with good intentions becuase if a person with those characteristics was in my life i guess i could be a much better person that i am now a heartless person without a care in the world.
Snigdha Shahi from India,mumbai on January 19, 2011:
Your hub is a beautiful piece of art.Artists are sensitive by nature and their expressions make their work extraordinary.
lisa on December 23, 2010:
i am beginning to see the connections between depression and lack of love. am i depressed from a lack of love for so long? i think so. i just had a terrible day where i waited outside in the rain for a guy i thought i was dating to answer the door. two days before he was kissing my neck and looking at me with love and affection, but how quickly craziness comes out and the look changes to disgust. sometimes i feel it is hard to open up and show your weird sides when you know that you are not all that crazy. maybe it was a test? he told me things that were really a crazy blow to my ego. i tried calling someone tonight for help but nobody answered. i am not suicidal but am so broke emotionally and physically that i don't know how to scrape myself off the ground. i tried meditating and doing jumping jacks tonight when i was having an emotional breakdown. i can't sleep. i have no money to even go buy some tylenol pm. i sat in my closet and tried to read the bible even. where's the love? years of no love has made me nuts literally crazy. so do i give up? i'm melting away into oblivion and no one seems to notice. i understand why people want to die because sometimes when you need help the most, when you really just want someone to give you a hug and say things are alright and they don't, what do you do? i'm watching videos on attracting love on you tube. i guess i just find that after crying and looking to higher powers, sometimes the best medicine is to to realize the tears need to come out but then what? i've cried so much, been alone so many years, i put myself out there, i'm not hideous, i'm okay i think. so someone stand up and love me damnit! i'm just going to watch seinfeld. happy festivus! watch tv. it's friends for lonely people.
loStBoy on November 28, 2010:
SO ive been reading this, skipping posts here and there, looking for posts I can relate too. As it turns out there are so many people that I can relate too. Im on this because I feel the same way....The last relationship I was in ended because the girl I was with brought out the worst side of me. Its not as if I haven't acted like an ass in previous relationships, but this was the one girl who showed me how evil, vindictive and conniving I could be when provoked. As much as I loved her, it mutated into hate very quickly. And then my darkside was exposed and I could see the evil acts I was capable of.
Now I never raised my hand to her or got physical, its not in my nature to do such things to women. The reason I am writing this is I loved my ex, and women before her. And even though I wasn't perfect, I tired to be the best that I possibly could be. I have been taken advantage of and used, and betrayed. My ex whom I loved very much, warped my heart. I learned to distrust affection and be weary of those who show me love and affection - as it may be false. My ex tore me apart, lied about being pregnant to regain my affection, after 3 years i put up with constant arguments. On one occasion (which happened more than once) after spending all day with her and traveling with 3 buses and a subway for nearly 2 hours I got home. When i called her to say good night, I miss you, I love you, she threatened to commit suicide and said good night hanging up the phone. After calling all night I waited until I left work, nervous all day since she didn't answer the phone and knew I couldn't get out of work - I traveled back to her apartment and used my key to get in. Finding her sleeping comfortably in her bed.
I walk over to my angry ex kiss her and tell her how much i love her...she smiles...and goes back to sleep..I sit there...anxiety gone, sadness setting in...at least 2 years after we break up, I see a host on television - my ex girlfriend.
I can't even find one person who can see anything special inside me, and want to be with me. And then I see my ex on television, reminding me that if I want to be loved, I have to find someone as damaged as I am - because the nice girls don't want to have anything to do with me..
aliza on November 13, 2010:
I totally enjoyed reading this post and also all the comments. Thanks stephhicks68 for such a touching post and keep up the good work !
I have always fluctuated between feeling unloved to feeling partially loved and Ive always felt like even when I've been loved, its been too conditional - people love me if I do everything their way...I have problems loving myself , and obviously that's a big factor in my relationships not working out in the long run, and I using end up feeling worse like I'm not pretty enough, not interesting enough etc...
Carl- I can totally understand where you're coming from - being someone who was born with a mishappen head resulting from craniosynostosis, I too got teased a lot in school and never had a boyfriend for long either. Well I've used my hair for disguising my condition too, although I'm not sure its helped much :) All I can say is hang in there, there will be someone who will see the true beauty in you. Find some friends who will accept you for who you are, and be a good friend in return... I've been blessed with some wonderful friends and family and they're what pulls me through at times when I get depressed and start doubting myself.
Stephanie Marshall (author) from Bend, Oregon on November 02, 2010:
You are very lucky, indeed! This hub was one of the first ones I published here at HubPages. Definitely one from the heart! Cheers, Steph
mikicagle from Oklahoma on November 02, 2010:
I really like your writing and the way you are able to communicate such powerful information without overwhelming me. What a great hub. My husband and I were both raised in homes where we were "unloved" but were lucky and found each other. For 23 years we've loved each other the best way we know how. It isn't always the way the other needs or wants and sometimes it hurts, but it's honest and sincere and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Stephanie Marshall (author) from Bend, Oregon on October 12, 2010:
Hi Randy - wow that is so strange and ironic! I hope that you are able to get some help for your depression. Have a wonderful day. Cheers, Steph
Randy Simonato from Windsor, Ontario, Canada on October 12, 2010:
I am deeply touched by your literature Steph and oddly strange my wife's name is Steph Hicks. Ironic that I came across your page while adding links to my site about depression and you are offering this advice. I am currently experiencing a small depression and it has a lot to do with my marital status. I hope you have a great day and thank you kindly
ronal on September 28, 2010:
im jst unloved by whom i loved
Etienne, on September 11, 2010:
I don't know why everybody refers to "feeling" unloved. In the long-term, severe cases, they are unloved. They have years of proof. Only by facing the facts can you even begin to look for a solution, and it is doubtful about finding one. And if you are unloved, people treat you like you have a communicable disease that they are afraid of contracting. Maybe they are right. I am not sure. People who are unloved are not idiots who under the delusion of being unloved. They are unloved. They are at death's door, and they are not sure they can pull themselves out of it. Many cannot. Suicides are under-counted because authorities say they cannot be sure. It is like seeing a gun in the hand of a victim in a locked room. It is a suicide.
Joe on September 05, 2010:
I too feel unloved...it's an emotion that I must have but seldom get...
If you feel unloved and do understand that it's not your fault then try tapping.
Look on Youtube for tapping EFT....I know, it seems stupid to all you intellectuals, but it is based on old Chinese medicine...it worked for me.
hell on September 04, 2010:
this is gay. love is a brain function. it is a learned response. you spend time with someone and you "love" them ...its not from the heart...its all in the head...get used to it. love yourself. everything..EVERYthing is transient. love, hate, health, sickeness, joy, sadness..it is all temporary
Anonyguy on August 21, 2010:
Oh man give me a break!!!
Why when you say love, everyone I mean everyone will start talking about their fuckbuddies oh I mean girlfriends. Its so annoying and making me so sick.
Get over it, its not love, its just infatuation.
Lori J Latimer from Central Oregon on July 18, 2010:
Your writing is beautiful. Thank You for your good words.
AaronF on July 09, 2010:
Wow, I'm not sure where to begin. I'm a 31 year old male who struggled with loneliness and anxiety until my first serious relationship four years ago. Ultimately the relationship didn't work out and in the 9 months since our breakup I have had bouts of security and insecurity. I do better now, having learned a lot of life skills and constantly working for self improvement.
But it certainly feels empty sometimes. I think some of the other posters are right. A deep connection with one person really is the most emotionally satisfying. I've been reading a lot of stuff about love and relationships, and I just can't escape a few things. All relationships are reciprocal, and we really do seek deep validation from one or two people. Right now I have a friend who gives me that deep sense of validation, but due to circumstances and perhaps personality is just not very available. Like me, she suffers a lowered sense of self-worth.
I've been really trying to wrap my head around the whole self-love thing. I'm doing everything I can to establish my own base and learn to receive love from other sources so that I don't project too much neediness into my next relationship. But when I read relationship books I get confused. We need the deep validation of a relationship, yet we need to love ourselves and be ok on our own. Sometimes I feel like I am putting on a front to people. But not really. It's like appreciating the role they DO play, but sometimes feeling needy and insecure. Anywhere you can find an outlet for that (journal, friends, internet), I strongly recommend using it.
I get the feeling the way out for most of us is simply constant application of certain principles. It's a cyclical thing and not at all linear. People who've been through CBT or REBT maybe understand this. I was thinking of getting one of Nathaniel Brandon's self esteem books since I've been very impressed with another book I'm reading.
And yes, it is hard to identify with people who seem naturally happier and haven't struggled with low self-esteem, anxiety, and/or depression. I mean really struggled. They simply will not understand it, and that will limit their ability to understand you. But relationships between two people still working on these issues is kind of a mixed bag. And yet the best source of receiving self-worth is the strong positive feedback of somebody who does understands you. Kind of a catch-22. Yet another thing I'm trying to figure out.
Sorry if this all seems too left-brained. It's kind of the way I am. I tend to think my way out of problems. Anyway, I want to thank all the previous posters. Even just reading posts from strangers helps me out sometimes.
Tigress on June 08, 2010:
why is it that sometimes the men or Man in Your life just don't understand you and say they do. Or why is it that when you tell your man that you two need to have a serious talk they always ask what they did wrong this time. And why is it that when you tell them that you feel un loved they always get mad and don't talk to you fro a few hours would someone like to tell me cause i just don't know anymore
Jorge Vamos on June 07, 2010:
Oh, I had forgotten about that Alanis Morissette song. I used to listen to it all the time, years ago.
anos on May 24, 2010:
Necessary to have any contact with people and try to open your heart to your friend and Specials to the boys Becausey its Possibleou that you find your love
Sad Sister on May 21, 2010:
Although I am a mature adult (over 47), I have never known love. As a child I felt unloved and as if I did not belong.
I have no memory of being told that I was loved particularly between ages 4-6. I have no memory of being touched affectionately, being cuddled or being consoled. I hhave always felt alone.
BV911 on March 03, 2010:
These feelings are sadly, really common in today's world. I feel people should care more and pay attention to each other's feelings around them.
KiKi GirL on February 05, 2010:
Hey Mrpopular... I can so relate to your situation im going through the same thing exactly just im your girlfriend but i've been with my boyfriend for 4 years and its getting worse i cant love him, i can't show him affection nothing i mean every exact detail you went throug with her im going through the same thing just i haven't reached out to a therapist yet but that's my next step.