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The Sexiness of Self-Worth

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Yves's mission is to help women attract positive relationships by establishing personal parameters and greater self-worth.

Beauty comes in many forms.

Beauty comes in many forms.

The biggest obstacle men and women face in the initial stages of dating is fear. Everyone has felt “not good enough” at one time or another. A man fears rejection and a woman fears she isn’t pretty or shapely enough to attract attention. It is normal to experience some trepidation about our physical appearance, but there comes a point in life when we have to say, “OK, I’m doing the best I can with what I have and I like who I am. When it is all said and done, my heart and mind will see me through the day.”

Looking Beyond the Surface

And it’s true. Let me be even more direct. Self-respect will carry us through the day. A good moral compass, common sense and determination will get us where we need to be, whereas physical beauty will only get us so far. If we are trying to do the right thing by others, then already, we are bringing something valuable to the table. Let that be enough for now. We are all a work in progress when all is said and done. So relax. Besides, we all know a whole lot of “average” looking people who have managed to date, eventually marry, and create nice lives for themselves... and they managed this spectacular feat without the advantage of chiseled features or perfect body proportions!

Nonetheless, overcoming a feeling of inferiority is often easier said than done.

Realize Your Worth

Hollywood has not helped. The media and Hollywood are in the business of sales, not truth. Hollywood willingly forsakes facts, and the fact is: We are all more than our bodies and our pretty faces. Nevertheless, many women (and men) have bought into the whole body image hype, thus having fallen into the trap of believing their desirability stems primarily from the way they look. This is foolishness.

I’m not knocking natural beauty. No way! Everyone is born with natural gifts, and if one person has physical beauty, while another has natural artistic talent and yet another has an extremely high intellect, then more power to us all. We can credit God, our parents, or biology for the abilities we are born with. Our responsibility is to develop our gifts in order to better improve and enjoy our lives; only then can we begin to take some credit for our talents. That being said, we need not be self-denigrating at any time in our lives. The point to remember is that we've all encountered physically beautiful or talented individuals who are ugly on the inside and who may as well be physically ugly for all the attraction they inspire.

"The pursuit to become more attractive is a $160 billion-a-year global industry that includes weight-loss programs, cosmetics, skin and hair care, perfumes, cosmetic surgery, health clubs, and hormone injections. Americans spend more money per year on beauty enhancements than they do on education."

— Random History

Anyway, perhaps due to our youth and rather sex-crazed culture, not to mention a lack of strong self-esteem, some American women make the mistake, in the initial stages of dating, of trying to prove their worth. We’ve all seen women who all but stand on their heads to “prove” their desirability. (If you don’t believe me, just watch ABC’s The Bachelor.) The trying too hard thing is nonsense. If a man has asked a woman out (the operative phrase being, he asked and she didn’t fling herself at him), then he has already found her desirable and is now dating her to find out whether they “click.” Yes, he also wants to have sex with her, but that decision remains under her control unless the guy is a murderous sociopath.

It is important for women to realize that men like the female body. Period. Men are fascinated and frankly, overwhelmed by women's bodies. Men like tall women, short women, thin women and plump women. Some guys like women who are tomboys – the kind who can fish and camp with the best of them. In other words, one size does not fit all. (Well OK, if you’re a Victoria's Secret model, you’re good to go, but only about 1% of the population are that well sculpted.) Men are visual (we all know that), but you would be amazed at what men find beautiful. Women are actually a lot pickier about what constitutes female beauty than men are.

Beauty comes in many sizes.

Beauty comes in many sizes.

Actually, Most People Have "Average" Looks

Obviously, no one should forsake their appearance for any reason. Any self-respecting woman is going to take care of herself in whatever way she can, and this is as it should be. On the other hand, becoming obsessed with "physical perfection" will get us nowhere except perhaps to a psychiatrist or the nearest plastic surgeon. One percent perfection is not obtainable for 99% of the population. That’s a good thing because it means we can call Hollywood on the lie that only youth and beauty equal a desirable person.

Physical beauty is thrilling, but unless it is accompanied by intelligence, poise and self-respect, we are dealing with a rather vapid thrill indeed. What goes on between the ears is that which keeps sexual attraction lasting and alive.

If you simply look around you, you'll notice that most people are “average” and that's just perfectly normal. Being "average looking" just means we still do the best with what we have and let the chips fall where they may. The truth is that women need a man who appreciates who she is... inside. Yes, men love our bodies and that is perfectly natural and good. However, women cannot and will not feel secure, safe, or happy with any man unless he respects her mind as well as her body.

Traits Men and Women Want in a Future Spouse

According to sociologists Christine B. Whelan, of the University of Pittsburg, and Christie Bayer, of the University of Iowa, the top four traits are:

  • Dependable character
  • Emotional stability
  • Intelligence
  • Pleasing disposition

Read More From Pairedlife

The Beauty of Authenticity

Truthfully, we've all met people who are not beautiful in the traditional sense, yet who are somehow very attractive, and even sexy. We find such people highly appealing because of their intelligence, humor, kindness, and/or authenticity.

My point is that a woman can have sex appeal even if she is not beautiful in a glossy magazine sort of way. She is captivating because she has a brain and she uses it well. Furthermore, she values herself. In other words, her confidence is the sexiest thing imaginable. This is no exaggeration.

So if you were blessed with a pretty face, that's icing on the cake. But first, you must have the ingredients for a good cake. Consequently, it is important for women to develop their minds, self-esteem, and humor, and not rely exclusively on her physical features to see her through the day.

"Love is not all you need, nor all your wife or husband needs, and certainly not all your children need. We all need respect, especially from those who are closest and most intimately connected with us."

— Peter Gray, Ph.D

A Word About Poise

A compelling woman also has poise. Poise is the single most important trait that a woman must develop if she is to be successful in dating. Simply put, poise or self-assurance comes from our knowledge of and belief in our intrinsic worth as human beings, whether we are physically beautiful or not. Both women and men have a habit of forgetting that the "outer package" is only one aspect of who we really are. In truth, our minds and hearts lend us strength and vulnerability—two important qualities that make people interesting, approachable and lovable.

In closing, consider this quote by an actress who is surely subject to the demands and restrictions of Hollywood:

"I've known women who wouldn't be considered conventionally beautiful, but because of their self-confidence and humor, they're the hottest women in the room."

—Kirsten Johnson

Ms. Johnson knows what she is talking about!

© 2012 Yves


Yves (author) on May 17, 2018:

Thank you for the lovely compliment, Kirimi. I am so glad you found this information helpful. That has always been my goal all along---to help women.

Kirimi Gertrude from Kenya on May 17, 2018:

this site is God sent i share and learn a lot to

Yves (author) on January 05, 2015:

It's just so important to understand our value---even when we don't feel particularly "fabulous." I like how you speak of "softening." It happens. As someone once said, "don't lose it, use it." Thanks for dropping by with your wise comments, lovely Flourish.

FlourishAnyway from USA on January 05, 2015:

You're so right about self-confidence, as physical beauty has a way of "softening" as we age. We have to believe in the value of who we are if we are to attract other people. If you don't believe in yourself, why should you expect anyone else expect to? After all, you know yourself better than anyone.

Yves (author) on September 21, 2014:

You are very kind, Mister Hollywood. The thing is, once you get to be my age, you have to be pretty grounded in the whole "inner sexiness" thing. I still think I'm hot even if the mirror doesn't always agree. Lol. By the way, the picture above is my son. I thought of him when I saw your profile picture. The both of you are equally hot, and I suspect you both have inner sexiness too. Thanks for dropping by. I appreciate it :)

John Hollywood from Hollywood, CA on September 21, 2014:

This was an amazing hub and I got a lot out of it. Thank you for writing this article and reminding us all about the importance of self-value and self-worth. It is sexy for sure!

Yves (author) on October 04, 2013:

Thanks! I actually won a rising star accolade on this one. Community members had to vote on it. It was one of my first hubs and I remember how excited I was to be recognized.. Good to see you, DDE.

Devika Primić from Dubrovnik, Croatia on October 04, 2013:

The Sexiness of Self-Worth sound advice here and a well written an thought of hub, with useful points indeed.

lovedoctor926 on July 17, 2013:

A very good hub. I agree with your points. I think schools should offer a prerequisite course on self-esteem for young girls in middle school and high school.

Yves (author) on July 17, 2013:

Hi Billie. So nice to see you. You're right. I couldn't have said it any better about how "We let our appearance over-ride our belief..." Well said. What a sad story about your friend not having seen her sister-in-law due to her embarrassment about her weight. I'm sure she feels just awful. Hopefully, your friend won't beat herself up over this, and will find a way to move forward. But it's tough with all the focus on body that our culture has. On the other hand, all the more reason to appreciate the truly sexy stuff which resides right between our ears and in our hearts. I thank you for dropping by and living this lovely comment.

Billie Kelpin from Newport Beach on July 17, 2013:

Savvy, Very nice AND applicable to any age and people who are not dating. We are often held back by not focusing on what we are able to bring to others. One of my dearest friends, who had the sharpest wit and amazing wisdom confided in my that she didn't fly to see her sister-in-law recently because she was embarrassed about her weight. The sister-in-law died several months later of a sudden heart attack. We let our appearance over-ride our belief in the gifts we bring to each other and it's a needless waste.

Yves (author) on April 28, 2013:

Thank you, Rusticliving. Indeed many women (and men) are terribly misdirected. You are so right in saying that young women are especially vulnerable. The media and other pressures can have a powerful pull on a young person's psyche. Thus, the more we educate individuals about their self-worth, the better chance they may have to be grounded, comprehend their true sexiness, and keep from being used or objectified. In any event, that is my hope. Thank you for your lovely comment, and for sharing. I also look forward to reading more of your hubs.

Liz Rayen from California on April 28, 2013:

I absolutely love this hub. I think women are the most beautiful and sexiest gifts to mankind. It's unfortunate how society can misdirect women (particularly vulnerable young women) who are trying to discover who they are and are misled to how we should act, dress, talk and treat ourselves. Your hub is such a wonderful reminder of how much self worth we have as women and individuals. Great job. Voted up and definitely shared. . Looking forward to reading more of your work!---Lisa♥

Yves (author) on March 29, 2012:

Thank you, alifeofdesign. Unfortunately, our self worth is too often confused with wrong ideas about body image. More than anything, it is my goal to correct this negative trend in any capacity of which I am able...

I hope this article will help your nieces who, no doubt, have much to offer the world through their natural talents and inner beauty.

Graham Gifford from New Hamphire on March 29, 2012:

savvydating...your hub is insightful. I enjoying reading very much. I will recommend this article to my two nieces who struggle with their self worth and their crippling needs to look at particular way. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this oh-so-important topic.

Best Regards,

Yves (author) on March 01, 2012:

Hi myawn, I appreciate your comment and I do realize that having inner confidence is a work in progress. Keep up the good faith in yourself and it will pay off. My next hub specifically address yet another avenue for realizing our self-worth.

Yves (author) on March 01, 2012:

Thank you Dale, for being a fine example of a man who values inner beauty. I have met many such men like yourself who would love to see more women develop their confidence and come to know that true sexuality comes from within.

Yves (author) on March 01, 2012:

It makes me very, very happy to know that I may be able to reach your son as it is my desire to help all ages groups. The young man in the picture is actually my son, who is beautiful and respectful inside and out.

myawn from Florida on March 01, 2012:

I try to work on my inner beauty and my body which needs work but lately I seem to have more confidence in myself and will power.Thanks for this really great hub!

Dale J Ovenstone from South Wales UK on March 01, 2012:

Very interesting article & relationship advice, there are women who need to understand, although it is competitive out there, sometimes, their ego is knocked because of this perception, creating self doubt in her own attractive capabilities as a sexual woman, mainly she may always focus solely on her 'physical appearance' (& many of theses physicality's could be negative in her mind) but as you say, a beautiful mind is the focus point, to become sexy from within & once the lady understand this concept, she can work from the inside out! You have covered all the most important psychological traits here, enabling & hopefully enlightening the female species to understand relationships & attraction on a deeper, truer level.

Regards Dale

Regards Dale

Beata Stasak from Western Australia on February 29, 2012:

Beautiful hub and even more beautiful picture, have shared it with my middle son, who is in the age and need of your very good advice:)

Yves (author) on February 25, 2012:

Hello snookie96. I'm glad you agree and I appreciate your saying so!

Yves (author) on February 25, 2012:

What an awesome compliment, Marcy, and I thank you. I am on a mission to help men and women appreciate what matters. Far too many lives have become lifeless, because we are not engaging in all of our five senses to appreciate real beauty. Packages with pretty bows are great, but the real gifts remain inside.

snookie96 on February 25, 2012:

great info to live by n we should try to use it on our everyday life , well done :)

Marcy Goodfleisch from Planet Earth on February 24, 2012:

Escellent hub! Every woman should print this out, laminate it, and commit it to memory! Voted up, interesting and awesome.

Yves (author) on February 24, 2012:

Thank you, Tams R. It is easier said than done to believe in our inner worth, but I am committed to helping people realize the truth. We all love physical beauty, but warmth, intelligence, kindness, and poise communicate so much longer and brighter.

Tams R from Missouri on February 24, 2012:

It is true, the way you see yourself is often the way others see you as well. I've seen many people who were attractive beyond their outer appearance and others that were unattractive despite their radiant beauty.

It's the inside that makes up a person and if you know you're good, you should portray that part of yourself.

Easier said than done!

Yves (author) on February 24, 2012:

Thank you for the nomination! I feel sexier already. I'm glad you agree that what is going on in the inside is what makes a person lovable.

Michelle Simtoco from Cebu, Philippines on February 24, 2012:

An inner confidence is sexy indeed! I agree it's not just the form but that loving energy of knowing who you are.

Congrats on your Hubnuggets nomination. Take this sexiness and read and vote too Have fun!

Christo on February 16, 2012:

Beautiful Picture. :)

pooilum from Malaysia on February 15, 2012:

Agree with you. Self worth is very important :)

Yves (author) on February 15, 2012:

Thank you for your kind words, Diana.

Diana Grant from London on February 14, 2012:

This is a very reassuring article - well done.

There is a lovely Jewish saying in this context: "Every pot has its lid"

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