The Big "C"
When it comes to romantic relationships, communication is the "Big C Word" that everyone talks about but few seem to be able to master. Whether it's personality, familial, or gender differences, there always seems to be something standing in the way of perfect communication.
But hey, a relationship with perfect communication would be boring, right? Whatever your mastery of this skill may be, there is always more to know and improvements to make.
One of the most significant factors in communication differences is gender. Men and women naturally think differently, and while this can be examined from many perspectives, one that has recently caught my eye is the "waffle vs. spaghetti" analogy.
An example (the best I could find): " When a man asks a woman, "Will you please bring me that stack of papers on the coffee table?" A woman will bring him the stack of papers, and a pen to write with, and notice the coffee table needs dusting, and that they should really get new coasters, etc, etc, etc. However, if a woman asks a man, "Will you please bring me that stack of papers on the coffee table?" A man will bring her the stack of papers and that will be it."
According to the Book
As far as I can tell, this analogy originally started with this book Men Are Like Waffles--Women Are Like Spaghetti: Understanding and Delighting in Your Differences by Bill and Pam Farrel, so much of the credit for this article must be given to them. I will, however, add my own speculations later. Now let's be clear, I haven't actually read this book, but I have previewed it and I think I have a pretty good idea of what it's saying, and it's good enough for me to recommend to other readers.
The primary way this difference is manifest is in how connected our thoughts are. Basically, men compartmentalize and women interconnect everything.
If you look at a waffle it's all boxes (especially the square waffles) and each box is separate. This is the typical man's mind--everything separate and in its own special place. When he's fishing, he thinks about fishing, when he's at home, he thinks about home duties, and when he's at work, he thinks about work. There is little crossover.
On the other end of the spectrum, we have the female mind of spaghetti. Everything is interconnected. While they are at work they are not only thinking about work, but about what to make for dinner, how to get the kids to soccer practice, and what style to get her hair cut and when. The true spaghetti woman is a cognitive multi-tasker.
My Speculative Additions
That's the gist of the book, for more in-depth explanations and examples, buy the book.
I've also seen this play out in other ways that I would like to share as well, and perhaps someday the Farrel's will stumble across this and affirm my speculations.
Linear vs. Non-Linear Thinking—One way I've seen this play out in my relationship is that I (the man) tend to be a more linear thinker than my girlfriend. For example, when preparing to write and give a talk about dating vs. courting, my girlfriend and I had two different approaches. I, the linear thinker, prefer to start the first, most basic step--defining each term. My girlfriend preferred to simultaneously think about all the aspects of each type of relationship, how to present this information, analogies, and who should be talking about what and when. Quite simply, I was thinking about one thing at a time, in "proper order", and she was thinking about everything at the same time in every possible permutation.
Goal vs. Process Oriented-- The second way I've seen this play out is in goal vs. process orientation. I am goal oriented, my girlfriend is process oriented. Basically, those who are goal oriented are focused on results and the finished product, whereas those who are process oriented are focused less on the destination and more on the journey, the "how" you do it. For example, when shopping the man goes in for the one thing he needs, not bothering to get distracted by other stores, a woman may shop knowing what she needs, but delights in the process of shopping, going from store to store, rather than making that final purchase.
Obviously, differences in how people think can cause differences (and problems) in how they communicate. In this paradigm, this can be especially difficult when problem-solving. Because these cognitive characteristics deal with how we deal with new situations, communication issues can arise while dealing with new and challenging problems.
When dealing with communication issues, I often prefer to use the example of planning a trip, an activity which, while exciting, can be just stressful enough to cause tension often because of different personality and gender issues. You can extrapolate to other situations from there.
Connectedness—While planning a trip the waffle-man will start at the beginning and move sequentially to the end. They will plan one step at a time. Work on car details, then lodging details, then work on site seeing. The spaghetti-woman will, of course, be interconnected, thinking simultaneously about who to leave the kids with, all the cities you want to stop in, what groceries you will need to pack, and what dress she should wear to the special night out. The man couldn't care less what he wears until he is actually getting ready.
Goal vs. Process—When planning a trip, the man will start with the goal. "Where are we going"? All other questions are a matter of process--good to know, but not necessary. The woman, however, will not necessarily care where you're headed but will be more concerned with what to do on the way. What towns will you stop at, what sites do you want to see, and how many days do you want to take to get there. While the man might want to just get to the destination, the woman may want to take her time in getting there.
Linearity—Again, when planning the man will be a linear thinker--he will start with the goal and then proceed with the most logical step. While this will most likely include planning the "process" of how to get to the goal, it will be much more organized and logical than the woman, who will try to tackle every detail at once in no apparent meaningful order.
For Better Communication
For better communication the first step is understanding. If you understand what and why your partner thinks and communicates the way they do, you are more likely to (at the very least) accept it. Secondly, remember that there are strengths and weaknesses to both types of thinking and that any problem is best solved using both methods. Two heads ARE better than one, after all. Finally, USE the strengths of your partner, women, appreciate the detail and specificity that comes with a waffle mind, and men, appreciate the interconnectedness of the woman's mind.
One thing to remember: these are not comprehensive profiles--they are meant as guidelines. While one male may be the perfect waffle and one woman the perfect spaghetti, overall this is a continuum. Many men have some spaghetti in them, and many women can waffle. This is merely a tool to understand the general parameters under which each gender operates.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2011 R D Langr
Sara on February 09, 2012:
John, I understand exactly what you are saying and agree with you completely. And yes: "it will seriously hinder your interpersonal relationships with the same and other gender." Thank you!!
R D Langr (author) from Minnesota on June 02, 2011:
Thanks for your thoughts. I'm not 100% sure about what your saying. I don't believe that everyone fits these molds exactly, but I do believe that in general each gender fits relatively well. I also believe that men and women were made with specific differences for certain reasons. I'm also not a conservative.
John on June 01, 2011:
the Conservatives love for you to think this way as do the marketers that can sell to "you" because your a guy or a girl and this is for YOU.
many of the "Studies" and experiments that exist in the wild have been way exaggerated by the media reporting them(people love to read this and the media loves to sell it) or have had small sample sizes. I read a debunking of one that only tested like 40 people but it was headline news.
an interesting thing to note: how you are taught to think and believe does alter the structure of your brain. this never really stops unless you shut out new info or shrug it off instead of analyzing it.
you can believe these things are just innate as long as you want but it wont make them true. for similar evidence this whole men have to be macho thing is a bi product of a fear of loosing their masculinity when urbanization occurred. just because Hollywood shows old movies of men always acting like the men we see today doesn't mean they historically did. look up the sailor's songs of ww2 (then remember that negative connotation that we learned as kids about the navy)
add the suppression of emotion and the need to feel we "have to" act one way from an early age and it may change us a bit or make our first response different from a "typical" girls(which is a myth anyway) but it doesn't mean our brains are not capable of the same results.
even with gray matter white matter what ever different connections formed and sizes of different areas we are still capable of understanding each other if we use RATIONAL THOUGHT, SYMPATHY and EMPATHY rather than falling back on things like "you're just different so you will never get it"
look at microprocessor design. Big Eden and little Eden are two different ways to store data in memory. simplified one would store the word "this" as "siht" and the other how we would read it. there are vary slight efficacy advantages depending on application but both have over all equal performance for general computing and both in the end put out readable text.
final point, see John T Mannings books that describe how prenatal hormone exposure really creates a whole spectrum of people(and brains) because of differing levels of estrogen and testosterone passed from mother to child.
dont be a victim of self fulling prophecy, it will seriously hinder your interpersonal relationships with the same and other gender.
R D Langr (author) from Minnesota on April 14, 2011:
Interesting, can you show me a study? I'd like to incorporate that somehow if I can.
McLaren 83 from Planet Earth on April 14, 2011:
Scientificaly men are better at multitasking and do it more and in dangerous jobs such as flying jets, driving racing cars and in war. Women tend to believe they are better at it due to things they do around the home. But no real evidence says they are.
schoolgirlforreal on April 01, 2011:
Oh, thankyou! :)
R D Langr (author) from Minnesota on April 01, 2011:
Definitely no chauvenism intended. I don't think men are superior to women, or vice versa. Both ways of thinking have their advantages and disadvantages.
I do find women confusing sometimes (heck, I find other men confusing sometimes as well), but I know that us men confuse women just as much.
Really its just about trying to understand how people think differently than us.
Thanks for the comment!
schoolgirlforreal on April 01, 2011:
It appears to me from reading this that the woman has a superior brain to be able to multi task so well, but that she needs a man to be solid, hence the match.
The video about women vs. men....well that's from a guy's point of view clearly not understanding women or the frustration therof, which looks sexist. If a woman had a video like that I suppose it would make the man look bad or maybe not.
I've had the experience with men that they feel they are superior thinker and think logically....well no one's better than the other, in fact they claim men are superior to woman as single but in marriage the woman is, the heart of the home.
I guess I dídn't like the detection of chauvenism I detected....
But maybe I'm wrong...lol woman do stupify men? Though men can do the same.
R D Langr (author) from Minnesota on March 29, 2011:
Alison on March 29, 2011:
This was an extremely well-written article! I thoroughly enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing.
R D Langr (author) from Minnesota on March 28, 2011:
I'll agree, in my experience women typically are "busy" and I know that multitasking can definitely help with that.
Christine P Ann from Australia on March 28, 2011:
Interesting hub. Women need to interconnect everything as we have way more to think about and get done in the quickest way possible. Multitasking is our forte. We don't have the luxury of being able to focus on one specific thing at a time. If we did then most things would just not get done. No I am not sexist, I just prefer spaghetti to waffles.