I'd been married to my husband for 18 years, and I never once imagined that he was a woman trapped in a man's body.
What Happened When I Found Out My Husband Wanted to Be My Wife?
I've only been married 18 short years. Raising three children, working, living, breathing, loving, existing in the same space as my husband for 18 whole years and I never once imagined that he was a woman trapped in a man's body.
That is until he blurted it out six months ago. At first, I thought he was joking, but realised quickly he was deadly serious.
My instinctive reaction was to laugh at him, and then to instantly regret it.
My next reaction was nothing. That part I'm proud of. Not reacting, that is. I've spent the better part of my life reacting and succumbing to automatic response and inevitably feeling remorseful afterwards.
I simply shut my mouth and looked at him blankly for a full 2 or 3 minutes. He asked me if I was okay, and I just nodded.
Meanwhile, I'm thinking Heavens above. . . is it okay? I love him, of course it's okay. . . But I was stunned that I'd never noticed anything at all that led me to think he was anything other than the hardworking, sport-loving, ball-o-muscle ladies' man I'd always assumed he was.
And there's that hideous little word: assumed. The phrases "assume nothing" and "nothing is ever as it seems" have never taken on such gigantic proportions, in my humble opinion.
But in my heart, I knew from the minute he told me that it was imperative that he step up and be true to himself, express himself, and be just precisely who he needs to be.
He was actually the one who turned around and asked me if it was okay with me if he pursued this dream of his. A "dream," a "goal" he called it. Honestly, a dream? A goal? This shouldn't be either of those two. This should be his right as a living, breathing, feeling human being. His right to live in his body and love it, to wear the clothes he loves, to express himself just precisely the way that exhilarates him.
What I Said When He Told Me
Of course it's okay with me, I told him. But he was to change his mind half a dozen times in the next six months about pursuing his change or his "coming out," so to speak. He didn't want to upset the neighbors, his family, his children. He didn't want to ruffle my feathers or embarrass me at all.
It's so hard to describe how I felt when he explained this. It was a mixture of anger, rebellion, and sadness. What a gentle giant. . . such a giving, compassionate, kind person he was prepared to sacrifice his health and longevity for his family.
I think I felt anger, rebellion, and sadness because he was actually prepared to just exist in his designated male body and put up with the self-loathing to appease his family, the masses, society, whoever. It was hard to explain to him that if he didn't step up and express himself and simply be the most fabulous person that he ever could be, it would surely crush him and rot him from the inside out.
He's my soulmate, my other half, my right arm. I wouldn't be able to breathe without him, regardless of whether he's wearing a skirt or a shirt and tie. Ridiculous labels society sets up for people.
I do believe he gets it now. Six different times, he decided against pursuing the life-changing hormones that would ultimately change his appearance from masculine to feminine. And each time he tried to go against his grain, in our home, he would turn into a grumpy, nasty fool who was entirely odious to be anywhere near.
Six Months After We Had That Male-to-Female Conversation
Finally, he came to terms with it and he's on his way. He's wearing his girly pink nickers to work under his greasy overalls and it puts a really big smile on his dial.
Next step is to navigate our way around this unbelievably closed-minded government system so that we can get him started on hormones. One step at a time, though.
At least he's getting excited about it finally and he's a total joy to live with again.
Sure I'm scared, but not because of what people are going to think. I honestly couldn't give a fig what other people think about our life.
The only people who currently know are myself and him. . . and now, anybody reading this knows too.
What I Think and Feel About It Now
What I'm scared of is how am I going to feel when his body changes?
How am I going to feel when he starts to lose his muscly physique and starts growing breasts?
How is it really going to impact me when he has the sex change operation?
I don't know the answers to any of those questions. But what I do know is that I truly can't breathe without him. The very best I can do is to take each minute as it comes and just put my best foot forward and help him with all my heart to find himself. Everybody deserves to feel fabulous in their own body.
Of course, I'm also nervous about the possibility of having our house or car torched by ignorant individuals who are completely oblivious to anything other than their opinion. . . but what's the point of panicking if it hasn't happened yet?
They say that 99% of what you worry about never happens. Both of us are big believers in eliminating the brain chatter and rising above the situation with the power of positivity, so maybe we will glide through this effortlessly. I do truly believe that we can't change the way other people think or behave, and the only way to deal with negativity and hatred from others is not to react. Don't feed their anger. And move on. . . but all of this is preemptive.
I'll keep journalling my thoughts for you to read. I'm so grateful for the life I have, the family I have, and for my continuing health and vitality. I figure the least I can do is share my tenuous, shaky steps with anybody who's interested in reading. I might not be particularly spectacular, but if nothing else I am brave.
So there you go. I'm journalling this for my sanity and to illustrate to anybody out there that you need to follow your dreams, as my husband. . . wife? puts it. Without dreams, life is just breathing.
Other Wives' Reactions to Their Partner's Trans News
Diane Daniel: "I detached emotionally and physically. I cried every day. I wondered what else he hadn't told me. I feared something was wrong with me to attract this kind of mate. I was angry and ashamed."
Lauren Rowello: "I was a straight woman whose spouse came out as trans. It didn’t change a thing."
Barbara Hamlin: It was "a feeling of relief, to be truthful. Because I did know about crossdressing and transgender very vaguely. And this wasn't as scary as losing one's relationship or marriage."
Shellie Ruge: "Once I started learning what transgenderism was, what it really meant, what Randi was going through, there was no way at that moment that I could leave that relationship and leave Randi."
My Husband Is Now My Wife by Alex Morris: "The spouses of transgender people face their own dramatic transformations—only no one celebrates them."
Staying Married Through a Gender Transition by Evan Urquhart at Slate: "Six years ago, Cassie and I met and began dating as lesbians. At the time, I didn’t know I was transgender. Then about two years ago, just nine months after we were married, I told her I thought I might want to transition and live as a man."
Beyond Blue Forum: Spouse of Coming-Out Trans MTF (an online forum): "We have two children (10 and 9) who don’t know, and I don’t know how to approach this."
Op-Ed: The Transgender Blues by Lisa Jaffe Hubbell: "If my husband was really always a she, then were we ever really an us?"
TGhubby on October 27, 2018:
My girlfriend one evening, after seeing a show on cross dressers, asked me if I had ever cross dressed. When I told her I had, she asked if I enjoyed it, and I admitted I did, this excited her and not only did she then want to see me cross dressed she insisted upon it. To make a long story short I did and now she wanted more, insisting that I dress more often, but also wear lingerie full time. Well after dating for about a year we got married, wearing matching lingerie, and then on our honeymoon I dressed full time. The beat went on and now we've been married over 10 years, not only have I been on HRT but little by little I transitioned to being a woman and we live together as 2 women and we couldn't be happier.
Christafaye from PATRICK SPRINGS VA 24133 on November 04, 2017:
Hey im a crossdresser and i got 4 kids and i want to come out but i cant i want to go see a dr and start my transition but my wife says im gay and sick and doesnt approve of it and says to me if i decide to get hormones i will lose my kids but i fill myself in panties and nighties and cami's and bra's and make up if i could wear it all the time i would be happy and content and if i could at least just find a hormone to grow breast i would be even happier but since shes been calling me gay i really think i am any advice on coming out and becoming feminine
Joaniebnh on January 28, 2015:
Of course we are all different. For me just the ability to express my femininity freely at my desire, ( and I partially do with much of my family) would be enough for me, ( maybe some feminization hormones or surgeries, for vanity reasons). I think we jump to quickly at the desire to wear women's clothing, must inevitably result in GRS, (gender reassignment surgery). Gender is a social construct, tear down that foundation, and many more individuals will be content to be themselves
AmiraMasri on October 15, 2014:
i'm a 25 year old trans girl who was not in any relationships at the time i started transitioning 4 years ago. it looks like many of the wives of trans women posting here are incredibly kind and considerate and strong women, but there's no need to sacrifice your own identity and happiness for your transitioning partner. you owe her only a certain degree of considerateness and support, but that in no way translates to you having to stay in a relationship you don't want to be in.
being a trans woman is very hard, especially if you're like me and you don't really look quite "natural" no matter what you do. i'm a lesbian and in poly relationships with a few biological women who met me knowing i was trans but i know i'm more of a token for radical points since they never want to spend even a few minutes with me after we moved from "dating" to "official." their biological girlfriends and trans male boyfriends come first. and never in my life will any woman want to be monogamous with me, which is why i settle for whatever little companionship i can get in polyamory even though in my heart of hearts i love monogamously. it's hard and it's unfair that this was the place in the world i had to be born into, but being visibly trans makes me strange, scary, unwanted, and a burden to normal people. i wish i could be a normal woman with the right parts and a body within the natural range for women but i can't, and so i understand why people subconsciously treat me very differently from biological women and generally value me less. i can't fault the individual for my brokenness being unappealing.
and even less could i fault a partner or spouse if i had been married or in a relationship before coming out. it's not what she agreed to in addition to it being very difficult to deal with the adversity it would bring upon both of us and the emotional burden i would become from enduring living as nature's mistake. if you REALLY want to stay with a transitioning partner, that is absolutely your prerogative, but no one on earth should ever blame you for leaving her.
me on April 30, 2014:
i want to disappear
aghast on April 04, 2014:
LoriAnn, WTF? That is the most self-hating comment I've read in a while. meowmeow, I too believe you should consider separating romantically from your fiancé/co-parent, but not because he "isn't a real man." I think you should separate because your sexual orientation matters, too, and one day soon, your partner will no longer identify as a man. Read the earlier posts by wives of MtF's. To me at least, they sound depressed and sad. I think that they're being great wives but perhaps not doing such a great job of protecting their own sexual identities and interests. Women, you can still be a loving friend to your female co-parent, but be honest with yourself and with her if you don't want to spend the rest of your life having sex *only* with a woman. Maybe you could explore a poly arrangement where you could still have male sexual partners, maybe you should divorce. Or maybe you're not as straight as you thought - best case scenario :). I can't say. But after your wife has transitioned and is feeling safe and secure, know that your emotional and sexual needs matter too, just as much as her gender identity does. If you've given it a lot of compassionate thought and you make sure she knows you care about her and support her, I do not believe it is dishonorable to leave the relationship. Of course she didn't mean to trick you, but you married someone who was not living as their true self. You didn't have the information you needed.
Lori-Ann on April 01, 2014:
@meowmeow...Its only my opinion but I think you owe it to yourself and especially to your daughter to let your boyfriend go. I've been through it myself. I've always been a transvestite although some call it transgender or transsexual. Whatever term people use doesn't really matter. TS, TV, same thing, we have a passion for dressing up as women. I was married, no kids, thankfully. When she found out that her husband is on his way to becoming a woman. Plus, I'm gay too. Anyway, she wanted nothing to do with me. I had surgery but I'll never be a real woman, I don't have a penis, but I'm still a man just like anyone that had surgery. That was five years ago, and she's remarried now to a straight man with no interest in girly things. She had a daughter last year, and last time we spoke, she admitted the last thing she'd want is for her daughter - or son to have a trans father. I agree, and I think its best for you and your daughter to leave him be what he wants to be. There are plenty of real men around, and I'm sure your daughter will be better off with a real man for a father, not a man wishing he was a woman. She won't be bullied or harassed that way either. But it is your choice.
meowmeow on January 20, 2014:
I'm 38 weeks pregnant and my boyfriend (soon to be fiancé) is transgender. He wants to become a female. Not now, but later. It kills my soul knowing this, but because I love him with every ounce of my being, I accept it. I can't be selfish and take that away from him. I don't know what to do sometimes though. I worry about our future, about our daughter...
newbeginnings08 on January 14, 2014:
Jana is a wonderful woman, does phone consultations, and has helped my husband so vey much. This is for you, Uncertainhowtohelp...
Uncertainhowtohelp on January 11, 2014:
My husband of four years has been closet crossdressing for most of that time. A month or so ago he told me his new years resolution was to get more feminine clothing and in the last few weeks he's begun to venture out publicly in womens clothes, and in the past week, in make-up as well. Generally only when going places where he won't see people he knows. He's been wearing nail polish and even wore a woman's blouse when he saw his elderly parents last week. Neither of them commented on it. I'm not sure how he would handle it if they did.
I love my husband whether he dresses as a woman or a man. He swears he loves me and is not attracted to men. I believe him. We've joked about the fact that I must be bisexual (I've always been heterosexual) because I still love and am attracted to the feminine version of him.
But today he told me he'd give anything to truly BE a woman. I am in full support of whatever he really wants to do/be, but I don't know how to help him. I feel so protective of him. I'm scared that if he crossdresses in front of people who know him someone will say something that will hurt him.
I try to just act nonchalant, as if it is just the norm for him. And to me it is. I have no problem with him dressed as a woman and we go out together when he is.
Any advice on what I can do to help him transition into being a female in public? Other than just be there for him. It breaks my heart for him that he wishes he were fully female.
Martina Sternberg on December 17, 2013:
I have a dear friend who just came out as being transgendered...male to female. he is feeliing isolated and lonely. If any of you know a male to female transgendered person, please have them contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I don't want my friend to be bombarded with people telling him he is wring so I am going to screen the emails before I forward to him. Anyone that can help him, please! Thanks again Martina
Kam on November 12, 2013:
I truly admire how supportortive you are of him..... Helps me accept my bf... He just came out to me as being transgendered and well... I felt hurt.. Betrayed confused furious every emotion just I knew he used to be gay/bi... But after 5 years he's a woman ?? I guess it was obvious I just never pictured it because I don't neccasarly like woman In that way.... I was so mad at him for days... Almost cost me my job... So I finialy thought more and more on how I'd be without him... Well I do not want that at all.. I love him so so much he's my everything... We recently just brought him to therapy... Terrible time for me.. Crying alone while he's confessing to the lady how he is who he is... Then a group came and I saw them... I glared at them... I hated those people... Seeing them made me shutter inside a deep pain that ill be with a woman and I never thought... Ever I always thought he'd be my husband not wife...I'm so freaking scared... He starts hormones ethier next week or this week.... I'm dead inside and he Doesent know it because I've been happy as ever... Which is bad I know but It's so hard to accept this!!! Please help...Your better then someone just saying to leave him...
helpmeplease on July 25, 2013:
I have just recently found out my husband of five months is trangender. I have tried to be supportive and have helped him dress and have done his make up but I just found an ad he posted to meet someone else....He says he couldn't bring his self to meet them because he loves me but now I have a fear that he will turn to men....anyone out there that is trans gender that likes the opposite sex that can help me out? Any advise on what I can do
tyrelyn on April 13, 2013:
Hello there, my husband and I have been married for almost 3 years now and I cannot imagine what it would be like to live without him. 6days ago, he came out to me about being transgender, all I honestly could and still can do is cry. I cry because I'm #1 hurt, #2 confused. I don't have anything against anyone living their life the way the want to but at this moment right now im my life I feel like ive kinda been cheated, I really wish he would of told me this before we got married so that I would have a choice, and as much as I would love to support him in whatever choice he will soon be making, im not sure I am strong enough to support him as a wife ( I know, im a horrible person) but at the same time, I married a man, right? I mean, am I that wrong?? I want a baby but I don't know if I want to raise a child in that "environment" and PLEASE anyone who is reading this, PLEASE I DO NOT mean any of this in a hurtful or rude way, I just don't know how else to say this or put it into words. this is the 1st time im coming out and saying it "outloud" to anyone else because as of right now, I am not allowed to tell anyone else so I figured id just share it and see what happens. (hopefully I wont get too many mean replies) I am so confused right now tho, just the thought of divorce is killing me inside but idk what to do. Im so afraid if I leave I will hurt him and he might hurt himself (calling him a "him" because he has not yet made transition, only finally came out clean about it) honestly right now, I just feel like going back to Florida where I grew up, I feel so alone without being able to talk to anyone but him about it and I also feel horrible saying that because I don't want him to go threw this alone but I just don't know what to do/ what I am going/ going to do. I just know that ive got the biggest headache right now., and if someone, anyone could please reply. I also, really loved the story and give you props for staying and I hope once this clears up I can do the same.
Jennifer on February 11, 2013:
HI my husband who is transgendered will be starting hormones. he started out this way at a very young age and when we started to date he told me right away and it was difficult at first to understand and i have my good and bad days with it. he was just seeing a psychologist and finally got approval to start hrt and now has to go back to see the endocrinologist. i dated him or so he wants to be called rebecca for five years and have been married for sixteen years in april. i have had my own health issues and he has stood by me through all of mine and i do love him with all of my heart. his work is supportive about all of this and he has friends who are supportive but his mom and sister and some family members wont come around and the endocrinoglist diagnosed him as being transgendered. i have told people on my side of the family and they are supportive. my mom in law says if i want to leave her son she will kick him out of the place we rent from her and she just cant wrap her head around any of this and says her son is an embarrasment to her and hurts him in so many ways. i know when we got married what i was sort of getting into he has hidden nothing from me at all. he was born a male and wants to take hrt to have the inside match the outside. he is out totally. i might not completely understand it but i just cant get up and leave him either. we both are taking one day at a time and he does want to do a name change later down the road and also he says he dont want the surgery.if anyone has any advice on how i can deal with this better i would appreciate it. this i am sure isn't easy but i do love him and he has always been more in touch with his feminine side.
Truestory on December 19, 2012:
This is fake, sorry folks. The second HE wrote "He's wearing his girly pink nickers," in this, it made it clear. This was obviously written by a sexual fetishist. While everyone wants a nice story of love between a woman who learns to deal with a MTF trans, it doensn't happen more than 1% of the time. She won't deal with it, and you're a douche if you put that more than your kids. Be REAL with it.
jusme on December 09, 2012:
We have been married for 39 years and i'm ready to divorce my trangendered "husband". O h yes it is wonderful for a m2f to come out of hiding and live the life she is born with but then the wife is really not in her m2f's life anymore, she becomes very self centered. Everything has to b about her AND her wants, she doesn't care anymore about your wants or the kids. Believe me, I have tried to live with my m2f for almost 7 years now, and it only has gotten worse. I could go on an on about this but why bother. No there is no attraction to "her" anymore, maby if I was a lesbien it would b different, but i'm not.
Jennifer on October 25, 2012:
Hi everyone. i have been married for 15 years and dated my husband who is transgendered for five years before that. my husband wants to begin hormone replacement therapy so he can be more femmine. he is more in touch with his femine side. is there anything you guys can tell me. i love him with all my heart and we have been through so much. any ideas on how to be more supportive to my husband about this
Jaded on September 15, 2012:
Chrystal, I sent a message some months back, thank you for your feedback, but it never got posted. So ...hopefully this one gets to you: THANK YOU.
Bunny, I know exactly how you feel, having been thorough the same situation. And as many other women feel, you probably feel cheated.
For me, it came down to expectations. When you let go and stop expecting...then there is nothing much to be dissapointed about.
Bunny1338 on August 26, 2012:
I thank you all for posting. Ive been married for about almost 3 months and recently discovered my Husband is transgender/Bigender. Well TransLesbian. He likes woman but sees himself as a woman on the inside. i love him dearly and would never want to lose him. It sometimes feels like i lost the man i knew. i know he is the same person just now feminine. Before we got married he was very much "Manly" but now things changed. idk...i love him and i love how emotional he is but i think...well...idk how i think or feel. Im not physically attracted to females so when he "dresses up" alot of the attraction that was there is not really there anymore. im kind of rambling. idk. SOmeone please help me with this. idk what to do anymore.
ticked1 on August 22, 2012:
I think it is unfair and absolutely stupid to come out to your wife .. you entered into a binding contract that you were a man. Years later she finds out she is not getting what she signed on for . You lie to her and that's okay. No!
mandee on July 25, 2012:
I have a fantastic news about my spell: it is working, only 5 days after prophetharry started it all. Never in my life have I thought magic would work so fast. My man is acting completely different now and we are making love everyday (last weekend, we did it 8 times in total!). Now I can say that prophetharry's spells work! Thanks to email@example.com
2b on June 25, 2012:
I am similar to the OP's "hubby"...been living with and suppressing my TGish tendencies for most of my life. My wife knows but doesn't acknowledge, and so I plod along in this miserable life, contemplating suicide daily and wondering when I might be granted relief. To those of you who somehow find it within yourselves to love the person you're with unconditionally, you have no idea just how big a gift that is.
path on June 20, 2012:
My Name is Ms. path tom, I was married to my husband for 13 years and we were both bless with three children, living together as one love, until 2009 when things was no longer the way the was [when he lost his job]. But when he later gets a new job 6 months after, he stated sleeping outside our matrimonial home. Only for me to find out that he was having an affair with the lady that gave he the job. since that day, when i called him, he don't longer pick up my calls and he nothing since to come out good. Yet my husbands just still keep on seeing the lady. Until I met a very good friend of my who was also having a similar problem, who introduced me to a very good love spell caster. But i told her that if it has to do with things that i am not interested, but she said that it has nothing to do with pay first. but the only thing he was ask to do was just to go and buy the items to cast the spell, and that was what she did. And she gave me the spell caster e-mail address and phone number. When i contacted him, i was so surprise when he said that if i have the faith that i will get my husband back in the nest three  day, and off which it was really so. but i was so shock that i did not pay any thing to Dr.Magbu but my husband was on his knells begging me and the children for forgiveness. This testimony is just the price i have to pay. This man Magbu is good and he is the author of my happiness. His e-mail address firstname.lastname@example.org
Sindee on June 12, 2012:
I too am in a relationship where my bf of almost 3yrs told me about his crossdressing about a year and a half ago and now feels he's more comfortable dressing that way. My question is will he transition eventually he says no that he needs no hormones or boobs or anything permante but he would love to dress like a woman everyday. I need advice and time to better explain myself. Also are there any success stories where it does work out in the long run and he's just a crossdresser not a ft crossdresser? So confused
jerry chastain on May 04, 2012:
i,m in the process of starting m2f hormones.i don,t know what going to happen.because my wife is very much hates what i,m doing.but i,m doing it anyway.i thank she would leave me but she can,t take care of herself.i wish she would understand we need each other,i love her very much.
happysmiles on May 04, 2012:
To whoever stays in the marriage with husband of transgender issue, I am so confused right now. I know marriage has its up and downs, but this identity issue, from my understanding of counselling, it can only get more serious with aging.. What should I do to to accept this then?
newbeginnings08 on May 04, 2012:
To ontheedge--It's hard to explain what's going on to your wife when you're confused yourself...to connect with her when you're not connected to yourself. My husband started seeing a counselor who specializes in working with the trans community (in Seattle) and it has made all the difference in our marriage. As his (her) desire to crossdress, go out, etc. waxes and wanes, when his confusion about gender/sexual identity, hormone therapy, etc. comes up, he has a knowledgeable third party to discuss it with. Otherwise, he knows his confusion would throw a kink in my life, too. The counselor is a huge support of our marriage, and he is able to sort out with her how and what to discuss with me, including erectile & sex drive issues he experiences as a result of the hormone therapy. The key is to find a counselor who specializes in the field (google Jana Ekdahl--she does phone consultations, too) and continue to encourage his exploration. Don't give up and good luck!
onthedge on May 03, 2012:
Thank you Crystal for your comment. Before marrying my husband 4yrs ago I had known that a few years before he had been on hormone therapy with the intent to head towards gender reassignment.He had changed his mind and had decided that it was not the right choice for him and went back to living as a man. When I met him I had no idea of his struggles and would have never guessed so, he seemed very comfortable in his masculinity. 2yrs ago he told me that he was having thoughts about feminizing again. After a few days contemplation I decided that I had no choice but to support him in his journey. A few weeks later, after starting to wear more feminine dress he started to have erectile issues. He put the clothes in the back of his drawer and announced that it was not the right choice for him and really has not said much about it since. The erectile issues stuck around for the next year but he claims the gender issue is not related. I ask him what is going for him and I get short answers stating nothing is wrong and that he is perfectly happy being a man and no longer feels he needs to change that. It has been a huge hit to our marriage. I feel he needs to explore and figure out what that was all about he feel there is no need. I feel like I can not move on or feel close to him if I don't truly know him. We have gone to a number of counselors over the years. I am heart broken and lost and more and more each day I feel like I am dying inside, because I can not connect with the man I love.
happysmiles on May 02, 2012:
I am in the same situation now.... really confused.. is it healthy to stay in a marriage like this?
Crystal on April 26, 2012:
I am married for four years now, and have been tg dysphoric (such a nice name!) for about 35yrs. I consider myself lesbian when in my better world! Yes I have had thoughts about men but does seem a bit icky too me. I LOVE my wife dearly, and also my man parts so I don't feel I have too go all the way. I just feel right when dressed as a woman. I can understand the singing queens! Some might call me cross-dresser, transvestite but these would be wrong as I feel more happy as a feminine Person without sexual arousal.
All I can ask for you too think about is maybe that he has been trapped for a very long time, and is still trying too figure it all out. Please be patient, did he ask you too marry him? That was most probably because he loves you!
Your imagination can be your worst enemy or you best friend, don't give up on him.
Maybe just remind him of his duty to his family, and how you feel. talk too him like you talk too your friends .. He is after all a woman inside!!
Have you considered couples counseling? More money out of your pocket but could be very good for you both...
God built our bodies but loves our souls,
Jaded on April 22, 2012:
What worries me is that the cross dressing is no longer private. We moved to a new city, away from his family... so now he has all this freedom. And he goes out dressed up...doing God knows what, while I work! Am I stupid to stay on in this relationship? If he is going out... I just take it that he is trying to be attractive to other people. He is not a deceitful person...I can't imagine him ever cheating on me. But... I never imagined he would turn our like this when we got married over 7 years back.
Jaded on April 22, 2012:
The reality of being married to a man with gender dysphoria just hit me in the face about a 9 or 10 months. I have been living in denial. Hoping it will go away somehow... that he might recover. I can't understand why someone in that state needs to make the physical change? I feel insecure that it is because he wants to become attractive to the opposite sex. He has admitted he was bisexual as well. So if he suddenly wants to change now does that mean he is ready to move on and be someone else with someone else? As all of you women out there sharing a similar fate I am a mix of complex emotions, anger, embarrassement, sadness... I have thought about getting a divorce, but the thought of a separatin affected me more than it did him. I feel used. He quite his job a few years back, and is now kind of dependent on me. And he spends more on make up than I do!! Sigh... I don't know what to do. So if you are a woman trapped in a man's body, could you please please tell me the objective for wanting to change? Especially if you are in a long term relationship with a women. Why can't you just accept the body as it is, be in touch with your femine side, and be happy? I need to understand this, to be able to accept my husband. Please please someone tell me.
newbeginnings08 on March 28, 2012:
KerrtT-- No, that does not make you gay! Your heterosexuality is just as immutable as a homosexual's, and we long ago stopped trying to "change" a gay man's orientation...it's what you came in with! I'm finding that loving a MtF is complex, however. Reading "She's Not The Man I Married" helped me a lot...not because there were answers to this issue, but because I didn't feel so alone. In respect to my preferences, my husband sometimes "tones down" the lace & lipstick in a sexual encounter, and other times I push aside my needs to make love to the full "her" as best I can. Perfect? No. Loving? Yes. I believe our souls are gender-less, which makes it all easier and the gender trappings pretty irrelevant. If I were bisexual, I suppose it would be even easier, but in any case I'm trying to let go of the superficial and blur the boundaries a bit. Good luck to you!
KerrtT from KANSAS CITY on March 27, 2012:
My boyfriend told me he is a man that feels like he is trapped in a females body I want to know does that make me gay if I stay with him because I am very confused right now can somebody give me an answer? I don't want to be gay I never have been but I love him and don't want to lose him at the sametime does this make any sense?
So fl on March 01, 2012:
I have felt that I am a female since I can remember. My wife has no problem with crossdressing but I haven't got the nerve to tell her yet. I've pushed this aside for my entire life and am now having a hard time hiding it from her. I also have two young kids that I don't want to hurt or confuse. I love my wife and I'm only attracted to women but I really think I need to start the transmission from mtf. I am a woman.
Josie Spraybeery on January 17, 2012:
hi i know what you are realy going through i my self is a transgender MtF and i am maried also and have one child and been with my wife for 18 yrs also but i camne out to her about 7 yrs ago and her reaction was the same and so was her words but i have been like this scien i was 7 yrs old but i have hiden it for a long time and now i am almost 31 yrs old and she said once i trasformed into Josie that i was a lot happier and it made our relationship a lot better so i know how it feels sweetie i am on hormones and i love it. LOVES AS ALWAYS JOSIE keep up the faith sweetie
Jeanine on December 24, 2011:
Look up "Two spirited people"... Trans is something the medical community has done to us... Trans have been here about seventy years... two spirited people have been here for thousands of years... there is a lack of education on what this disorder is about... I myself have been diagnosed by the med community as trans... there is some good reading here on hub pages that a writer and myself have been exchanging in this last year... her name is "Izettl" there are three hubs to take a look at and read.." My Father the Transsexual"... "Misunderstanding Gender" and "just because you have boobs, doesn't mean you are a woman"...
Here's my question... if we are women trapped in the bodies of men... what woman do you no would let any man hurt their child... none... in fact I would kill any man including the one I live within who tried to hurt my children... read ... Two spirited people were advisers to kings and queens all over the world... we were holy men and shaman of great tribes.. since the medical community has been helping us for the last seventy years we are known as freaks on the jerry springer show... do not be afraid... your parents were just uneducated... mostly our dads... it's the binary system... we don't fit into it... think about it... "if little johnnie comes in and continues to say... I'm not a boy, I'm a girl" the parents take him in to the doctor and they say well if he's not a boy he must be a girl... " how can the medical community make me more by making me less... I am not one or the other I am both...
DanaLynne Johnson on December 19, 2011:
I'm like your husband. I was married for 7 years before I realized I just couldn't wait anymore. I "Knew" before getting married, but put it aside, thinking I could make it work. If you asked Chrissie (now my ex, but for very different reasons) she's my strongest defender. I asked her to withhold judgment until she saw the person I could be when I was happy with myself. She did, and she, like our daughter, doesn't want HIM back.
Shawnatg from Watertown,ny on November 17, 2011:
hi i am Shawna McDougall i am Transgender also i am marryed with a wife and a little girl and they are very supportive of me.
newbeginnings08 on November 05, 2011:
Minke, thank you for mirroring so many of my feelings and modeling your unconditional love for this precious being you are married to. My husband (of 3 years, though he is 65 and I am 62) started the hormone replacement process this week (first the testosterone suppressant), and I've been in a black hole of grief for the loss of the man I married ever since. He/she is still in the closet as far as friends/family go--though not for long, I'm sure, as her body changes--so those hurdles are still in front of us. What I miss right now is the shift in my physical response to him--his yang to my yin--and the huge change in the outward expression of our "coupleness". What I'm clinging to is the serenity prayer and the profound belief that he is entitled to be the most fully expressed being she can be! I also try to stay in the moment and not project losses in the future that may not even happen. For right now, though, I'm struggling with deep, deep sadness and waiting for the cloud to lift, so again, thank you for your bravery and for creating this site.
Suzie from Carson City on September 26, 2011:
I am moved by your story. Having this put forth in words must have been therapuetic for you, however difficult. I am impressed with your bravery and steadfast devotion to your mate. In all honesty, I don't believe the majority could begin to know how they would handle this, unless and until faced with it. I wish you the best.
Emmie on September 20, 2011:
Both Grace and Scottie, i don't have any advice..but NEED someone to talk to!! I've been with my husband for 10YRS, married for 3. My husband 'came out' to me at the beginning of this year and i am STILL struggling. I love him dearly and can't accept divorce as a solution but have no one to talk to...
I have no problem with transgendered people, gay etc but...my husband!!???
Chats would be nice :)
Grace on August 05, 2011:
My husband of 14 years with 3 young children recently divulged his transgender struggle to me. I'm still flailing. I have so many questions. Like you've all said, he, too, is my soulmate, and I cannot imagine life without him. We are very much in love and have tremendous love between us. We are both devout Christians, and that helps immensely. He is currently off hormones that he has been on and off of for a year or so and trying to regain his manhood for many reasons. He is confused, and I feel too lost to feel like I am any kind of healthy support for him. Would any of you be interested in "talking" with me? I am truly lost
Scottie on June 08, 2011:
Nice I'll have to have my wife read this, she is having a hard time adapting to me being ts
Jess on March 07, 2011:
It is nice to see others like myself out there. My wife is also going through the MtF process. She has been on hormones for over a year and been doing the therapy sessions every month. And once we get her birth certificate sent to us she will be going to the court house to request name and gender marker change. I won't lie, this is not an easy path. Together we have two children, and she has come out to everyone. We have lost friends and family, either because they thought what she ws doing was "wrong and disgusting" or simply because they just couldn't handle it. And dealing with her workplace can sometimes be a nightmare as they aren't sure how to handle the situation. But every trial we go through, every bump in the road, is all worth it to see her happy. She is my soulmate, and i too would not be able to breathe without her in my life. There may be days when you or your husband want to give up, when you think the oposition is just too much and it would be easier to just live quiet "normal" lives. But dont give up. It's worth the fight. I wish you both luck and happiness.
JM on January 18, 2011:
Thank you for sharing this. I have been going through something similar. I am a newlywed, and about 3 months ago, my husband told me that he was transgendered. I had a feeling that this was a possibility before we married, so I didn't feel tricked or lied to, but it was definitely a shock. It was painful at first, almost as if someone I loved had died. I wondered, will he still love me? Will we still be attracted to each other? When we have children, how will this affect them? She (as I now call her, which was difficult at first, and now is quite natural) has been seeing a counselor that deals specially with LGBT issues, and will be starting hormones and laser hair removal soon. We have come out to some of our friends, and are just taking a day at a time. It is hard for me, not knowing what our future will be. It's scary. And it is hard to find examples of people making it through this same situation. For every wife I see standing behind her transgendered husband, I see 9 others leaving theirs. And some days, I know why they would do such a thing. The world will look at us differently now, mostly because this just isn't talked about as much as it should be. Lack of information and discussion leads to fear of the unknown, and ignorance. As time goes on, I'm learning more and more about transgendered people, and changing my views on gender entirely. What keeps me going is knowing that she is the same person she always has been, the same person I feel so in love with. Imagining my life without her is so much more painful than anything her transition will cause. And I am still very much attracted to her, (probably even more so now, as she is much more interested in her appearance, and has confidence she didn't before) which I know is a big issue in this situation. I do worry about hate crimes, or family disowning us, etc., but as you said, why worry about something that has not yet happened, and may not at all? I hope your relationship works out, and I hope the same for mine as well. And by sticking by our partners and loving them for who they really are, maybe people in our lives will learn from that and make this whole thing not so scary for future couples. :) Lots of love and peace to you.
Beege215e on January 06, 2011:
You are soooo brave and loving.. there needs to be more like you in this world. Too many negatives out there. I sincerely hope everything goes well for both of you. Great Hub, well told. Thank you for sharing.
Azlynn from Gisborne, New Zealand on January 05, 2011:
I say all the best to you. I am lesbian. I have a partner who is female but identifies as male. If we could afford it she would live as she was intended. A male. I understand your dilemma. Having been lesbian for 14 years it is a change to suddenly be with a "male", (even though the parts arent there yet). I dont get to experience "lesbian sex" with her because she doesn't identify in that manner. We use a strap and have sex like heterosexuals. I love her immensely and there are many ways to make love. Your fear is understandable, but your love will guide you. I wish you the best.
Dark_Rose_Kitsune from Home where else ? on January 03, 2011:
Wow this reminds me of this time when i was listening to the radio. a young boy was telling his parents that he wanted to be a girl. They didn't say he could until they caved in. Now he has gone through surgery's to change his sex life :3 I hope you and your husband/ wife Both get past the gender. Cause I think deep down he is still the man/ women you love all those years ago :3
Georgiakevin from Central Georgia on December 01, 2010:
Was wondering how you and your spouse are doing these days. You both are brave.
C on September 23, 2010:
This is a good hub, well-written and honest, but if this person identifies, dresses, and lives as a woman, isn't "husband" the incorrect term?
Georgiakevin from Central Georgia on September 16, 2010:
I admire your bravery ma'am. There are not many wives who would be as supportive as you. I know that what you say is accurate. If someone really knows they are of a gender that they were not born with it simply won't go away by wishing it so,if ignored it can lead to such angst and sorrow, such self loathing and despair that in the end usually leads to life ending. your husband is a lucky girl to be married to you.
Please wish her well from me too. Tell her that i think she is brave too!
Steph on July 16, 2010:
Thank you so, Minka, for telling it from your side. I lived with my wife for about 20 years before our youngest graduated high school. We were close in a kind of brother-sisterly way, but it was never what I imagined it should be. Way out of balance, and so was I. I finally decided that I was going to put my existence right and be the person I always was inside, and it was no surprise that she decided not to stay with me. Actually it was me who left her with 20 acres out in the middle of nowhere and I beat myself up every day for it. But I've never been happier (other than losing my family), and am with my soulmate for the last 3 years. And you're right, it can be a little scary for a girl like me at the end of a dead end road lined with relatives from deliverance.
Minka on June 15, 2010:
Thank you Dingyskipper, it's so good to hear other people's stories... it bolsters my confidence and gives me the pep to keep going...I really do appreciate your response Aktifistri. It restores my faith in the human race when i read posts such as yours. I believe in the power of love... unconditional love and for accepting things precisely the way they are... for to fight against what is can only ever end in misery and grief ... you know, if it doesn't fit with your expectations then work with it... work around it... it's actually so much easier to navigate through this life when you don't have any expectations ... so i'm jumping in head first this time and letting the chips fall as they may... i believe there's always an answer to every issue in this life and mate I'm not just going to rock the boat this time... i'm going to tip it over if i have to just so that my lovely husband can be free ... Thank You for your support... it means more than you know...;0)
aktifistri from China on June 15, 2010:
OMG! amazing hub of yours, Minka!..I respect your bravery and confidence to share the story of your life. More than that I do feel that your faith and unconditional love to your trans-gender husband is really inspiring. Your faith and support inspired me to be more supportive to my beloved husband.. please keep writing..wish you guys good luck with the operations etc..and yes without dreams life is just breathing!.. I'll keep reading your hubs to follow the story and give my support to you guys.. :)
Carolyn from Northamptonshire on June 15, 2010:
My nephew has had a sex change in the last 8 months, he is now rebbecca tracy. he was fortunate in not being married and having no children, also his employers were very understanding once they realised he was serious.
It took him years to find his way though,he had girlfriends, but not very succesfully, and thought at one time he must be gay.
After making the final decision she has never been so happy