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7 Signs Your Boyfriend is Secretly Gay: How to Tell If He's Hiding His True Self

Updated on February 3, 2017
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While not 100% gay himself, Jorge knows the signs. He has watched many men "turn to the other side," even after being married to women.

Strong Suspicions

Let's be upfront: You probably wouldn't be reading this article if you didn't already have some kind of suspicious feeling that your boyfriend / spouse / whatever might be gay. We're assuming that you're a woman, of course. (If you're a man, and you think your boyfriend might be gay, then...uh...he probably is.)

If you're already to the point where you're suspicious enough to be researching signs that your boyfriend is gay on the Internet, then there's a pretty good chance it might be true. However, "feelings" and "inklings" are not enough. Your instinct will never be 100% right in every situation, so take a look at the signs below and think it over a little more before you confront him about it.

1) He Doesn't Check Out Other Women

You might think it's great at first when your boyfriend doesn't stare at other women, but this is extremely unusual.

Because of our higher testosterone levels, most men frequently think about sex and unconsciously look at attractive people. It's not even deliberate most of the time--it's just a reflex. If an attractive woman with a rack that she can use as a shelf saunters by in a skimpy outfit and your boyfriend simply yawns and doesn't even seem to notice her, this is a red flag that he's not into women.

Granted, some guys are asexual and just don't notice anybody, but men without sexual desire are an extreme minority.

The straightest dance in the world.
The straightest dance in the world.

2) ...Instead, He Checks Out Other Men

Usually, if a guy is closeted, he won't be obvious about this. Even openly gay men know better than to ogle men in public, considering the negative social consequences.

If you're a guy who is interested in other guys, a tiny "look" is enough. Next time you're with your man, watch for this look if an attractive man walks by. Pay attention to where his eyes are pointed. Did a shirtless guy just walk by, and he quickly raked his eyes up and down the guy's six-pack? Did he steal a look at his crotch?

Another thing to watch out for is eye contact. Just as you might look at a man that you like and there's a brief exchange of energy there between you and him, the same is true for a gay (or bi) guy when he interacts with a man he likes, even briefly. Did he seem to meet eyes with another man and it lasted a little too long?

Men who live in Western countries, like those of North American and Europe, usually won't make prolonged eye contact with other men, unless they're about to fight or about to get it on (or both).

Is this what your boyfriend would rather be doing?
Is this what your boyfriend would rather be doing?

3) He is Touchy-Feely With Other Men

Again, in modern Western society, men aren't very physically affectionate with other men because it could make them look gay. If your boyfriend seems a little too eager to cuddle with his buddies, or he is very keen on wrestling with them, bathing with them, or other potentially intimate activities, this is a sign that he might be attracted to men.

Now, it could be that he's just very secure in his masculinity, since there's nothing inherently gay with hugging other guys, but the fact that he has to go against social norms to do this speaks volumes.

On the other hand, if your boyfriend is from a non-English-speaking culture, especially South Asia, East Asian, or the Middle East, it's actually not that unusual in certain countries for men to embrace, kiss, or even walk down the street holding hands. This doesn't mean he's necessarily gay.

4) He is Homophobic or Acts Uncomfortable Around Gay Men

One of the BIGGEST tell-tale signs that your boyfriend is insecure with his sexuality is if he shows unusual levels of homophobia.

Most straight men have no problem with gay guys--unless a gay guy tries to cross any boundaries, obviously. But if your boyfriend actively hates gay men even if they have never done anything to him and never speak to him, then this is extremely telling. You've probably heard loads of stories about anti-gay preachers who were later discovered to be trolling gay hookup sites.

Many times, a man who hates the fact that he likes other men will take it out on gay people and treat them badly. At the very least, it's not unusual for a guy who is denying his sexuality to fear coming into contact with people who are living with their gayness freely.

Watch him closely next time he is around gay men. Does he act weird?

Does your man get angry about gay people?
Does your man get angry about gay people?

5) He's Obsessed With Other People's Sexuality

Maybe he's not homophobic, but do his ears perk up when you mention that one of your friends is gay? Does he ask a lot of questions about them? Does he seem interested in how they came out to their parents, or what other people's reactions were?

Similarly, does he bring up people's sexuality a lot? Does he talk about how this or that person at his job turned out to be gay? Does he mention gay family members of his a lot?

He may be interested because he himself is gay or bisexual, but may not know it yet, or simply doesn't know how to express it.

6) He Isn't That Interested in Sex With You

This could mean several things. For one, your boyfriend could be asexual or he might just not be attracted to you anymore for a variety of reasons. People change and so do their tastes.

However, if he never really seemed that into touching you, even in the beginning of your relationship when you're supposed to be in a honeymoon period, then something is probably wrong. This sign by itself doesn't mean he's gay, but coupled with some of the other signs, it can be telling.

Also keep in mind that an absence of this sign doesn't always mean he's not into men, either. In other words, he could be mostly gay, but enjoy sex with women to some extent--or he could be bisexual (but more on that later).

7) His Social Media Contacts Are Suspicious

Let's say you take a look at his Facebook profile and notice that there's lots of different men on there. You also notice that a lot of them seem gay. Maybe you notice that a lot of them aren't mutual friends with you, and in fact you had no idea that he knew these people.

Even worse, if you discover that he has more than one account and has been hiding one from you, this is a definite sign that there's something he isn't telling you. If you notice that his second account has a friends list filled with dozens of strange men, then this is extremely suspicious and you should consider confronting him on this alone. It's a sign that he might not only be gay, but that he's cheating with another man.

Finally--and worst of all--if you find out that he has a profile on a gay dating site, then this is a glaring, giant, neon sign.

Obviously, this one seals the deal. No man joins a gay dating app or site "just for laughs." He's looking for another man to get frisky with.

More importantly, he's looking to cheat, so don't let the fact that he turned out to be gay erase this fact. He was being dishonest with you, so maybe it's time to break up.

How do you find out whether or not he's on a gay dating site, though?

Well, this is where you recruit your gay and bisexual friends. They should be well familiar with the men hooking up in your area, especially if you live in a small town. Show them a picture of your boyfriend and ask them if they've seen him.

Alternatively, you could also make your own fake profile and try to find him on there. Beware of the rampant dick pics, though. Men usually don't dwell on small talk when they're trying to hook up.

But Maybe He's Not Gay

Finally, you may have looked at all the signs, spied on him, confronted him, and found out that he actually does indeed like men. This doesn't mean he's gay, though.

Wait, what?

Bisexual Men: The Silent Minority

Your boyfriend might be bisexual. Many people dismiss this notion and just assume that any man who likes other men must be gay, but that's simply not true. There are plenty of men who are bisexual, they are just less willing to admit it than women are--for obvious reasons.

If the fact that he's bi doesn't bother you (and he isn't cheating), then there's probably no reason to confront him about it unless you're willing to embarrass him. We all have our random sexual preferences, and you're probably dreaming if you think that those preferences begin and end with you. His being bisexual is no different than if he was into blondes as well as redheads. As long as he stays true to you, what does it matter?

Then Again, Maybe He is Gay

On the other hand, if you did all your research and that little voice inside your head is telling you that he's fully, 100% gay and not interested in you sexually, then it's time to confront him.

Nobody likes living a lie. It isn't fair for him to use you in order to keep up appearances.

Approach him in a non-judgmental way, and you're much more likely to get the truth out of him. If he denies it, but you continue to see glaring signs, it might be time to rethink the relationship.

The Signs

Does Your Boyfriend Show Any of the Above Signs of Being Secretly Gay?

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Your Conclusions

After Reading This Article, Do You Think Your Boyfriend Might Be Gay?

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Leave a Comment

If you suspect that your boyfriend is secretly gay, or have recently discovered that he is, leave a comment below with your story. Maybe it could help someone else.

© 2017 Jorge Vamos

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    • thehands profile image
      Author

      Jorge Vamos 3 days ago

      @Jane

      Tough situation. You know him better than anyone here does, so you are in the best position to judge this.

      I will say this, though: Many guys of our generation live in a fantasy world. We grew up getting our jollies off videos on the Internet instead of real sex. For a small percentage of guys, this severely alters their ability to have a real-life physical relationship. The hyper-stimulation of what they see at the strip club or online makes actual sex with a normal person seem boring by comparison.

      The fact that he watches girl-on-girl stuff makes me think that he's not necessarily gay, since the vast majority of gay guys are not interested in this type of material. However, the fact that he "maybe" kissed a guy seems...not straight. Maybe he's bi. Maybe he's not anything in particular.

      But gay stuff aside, the fact that he goes to the strip club every day is troubling.

      Unless he's going there just to hang out with friends or whatever, spending money on sexual stimulation *every day* like that (when you can just get it for free online or with a partner) might point to a sexual addiction. That's the bigger issue here, I think.

    • profile image

      Jane 4 days ago

      My boyfriend goes to a strip club everyday. He enjoys watching female on female porn but he doesn't seem to want to have sex with me. He says he's tired from work, and we'll occasionally have sex when he can tell I'm super frustrated. I think he mighy be gay or bisexual and is covering up with me, the porn, and strip clubs. He's a super sweet guy, not super masculine, he could just be really gentle. But theres something in his mannerisms, he could just be metro?he also goes to a gay club sometimes with friends to "dance" and he's made out with chicks there before possibly a male but he said he didn't realize it was a male. I don't know how to bring this up or ask him if he is at all? He wants to get married someday he says. I love him he says he loves me but sometimes I do feel a little disconnect like he's not be genuine.

    • profile image

      Sarah 8 days ago

      I'm not sure if he's gay but I think he is. He uses my tweezers and snaps his fingers in a playful way saying oh no boo boo.. He talks with a lot of guys and touches his self a lot while looking at other men in public. Scary..! I've asked him before if he's gay pretty much he brush it off. I've asked him why he keep touching his self looking at other men he tells me I'm making it out what to what I want. Which is far from the truth. When you're with someone for years or even months, you noctice a lot things. Such as, how he treats you and talk to you and just things he use to do. Can someone please tell me if you've had an similar experience and if your mate actually turned out to be gay

    • profile image

      kristen yaba 3 weeks ago

      my boyfriend likes to sleep next to his friends and talking about penis and lastly he smiles when one of his friends put their hand around his shoulder

    • profile image

      Rene 4 weeks ago

      I'm 38yrs old an have been with other guys but this one seems like he doesn't want to touch me as much as all the others? He has nothing but naked we on on his screen saver an talks about how he likes the look of we on but I really can't understand why he doesn't seem to want to touch me even for a slight coress? I'm

      Confused?

    • profile image

      Nikki Watts 4 weeks ago

      I think my boyfriend is gay...he insist on having anal sex; he called gay chatlines; and he is extremely homophobic. I confronted him but he denies it, and I have no proof of him being sexually with men. I know the truth..but I need evidence to leave!

    • profile image

      Cupcake 4 weeks ago

      Well, After going through his phone and reading text messages I realized that him and his home boy (male friend) exchanged selfies....random pics. That's not a buggy because it was nasty pics and nasty tact talk. The problem is why are two home boys exchanging pics when they work together everyday. It just seem like a more feminine thing to do. There have been times we were out late and he said it was his home boy calling him. Really?! Why the he@% is a guy calling another guy late and he's with his lady? It happened to on my bday when we were out late at a party. At least twice I seeen him step away to take his call saying it's his friend. I'm thinking ugh....why are you even answering. Then again it could've been a female and he just lied. 3rd, we don't sex anymore. I'm the one asking for it not him and he has never came while inside. He can only achieve this if he jac%s off. He's always around a lot of his buddies who work with him. The desire to go out and fornicate with me has diminished. I'm the aggressor when it comes to that. 1-2 a month is freaking insane. He's always tired, busy or another time. We argue like hel%! I don't understand how the people he complain about so much are the same person/people who he is always with. ??? Now I've noticed his male friend staying at the house. His brother stays there too and they have the same friends so that can always be the excuse....it's just their friend who works with them.

      I asked my bf does he stay there now and he replied with an attitude @whi stays with you!?" Wth kind of a response is that?!!? A simple question.

      He has mentioned that's i can do "anything" to him. Hmmm?

    • profile image

      I just broke up with a guy several months ago because I had a strong suspension that he was gay i brush off rumors of him being gay bcuz he explained that he was staying with a gay friend or family me 4 weeks ago

      just broke up with a guy several months ago because I had a strong suspension that he was gay i brush off rumors of him being gay bcuz he explained that he was staying with a gay friend or family member until he got his own place and that's how the rumors started swirling around but as the relationship progressed i noticed he did not want to have sex at all we only had sex maybe 5times in a year and he has a very private relationship with a gay guy he calls his best friend but then he turnsaround and act homophobic and one of my gay friends use to be friends with him and i asked him about my boyfriend and he called him gay he confirmed that he was hanging with a gay click and acting gay at one point

    • profile image

      Michelle 5 weeks ago

      What if he was cheating with girls that look like dudes and have those masculine characteristics? I use to think he was cheating or gay. Now that we confirmed he was cheating I can't help to think why? I mean at least if it was for a hotter chick that could make a little sense. I mean he shows sexual desire when he takes a pill. Aside from that he tries everything to get out of doing anything with me. I'm am frustrated and I think he knows this so he makes excuses. He'd rather spend hours and hours with guys or watching fights on YouTube. My self esteem has dropped so low and feel I just tolerate it just to not be alone. It's not that I can't get guys it's just I'm reaching forty and don't really want to go on the quest on finding a soulmate

    • profile image

      Heartbroken 5 weeks ago

      Just last night after work, his phone was ringing so I answered, when i hung it up he had 3 Notification messages from an app called Jack'd. when I checked out the app it said, a gay chat room...I'm sick & he hasn't spoken to me..while he was on his phone I went to the bathroom & I was looking up the App. I was shaking I thought it was going to be a dating site did I say I was shaking just as I'm putting in his email address, he text me asking if he hopes I'm happy with what I found. I went right to him and asked him "what the hell is Jack'd"...he immediately scrolled though his phone trying to show me that he didn't have the app. I know what I saw. But I didn't say one word except "I know what I saw"...since than no words from him. No nothing...now I'm here...#4 and this phrase "Finally--and worst of all--if you find out that he has a profile on a gay dating site, then this is a glaring, giant, neon sign."....

      I'm devastated. I have loved him for 3 years & 2 months and now this...

      I don't know what to do...I love him so much

    • profile image

      Jules67 5 weeks ago

      I believe my husband married me to cover his sexuality, i feel doomed, we've been married 3 months n had sex 4 times n then it's just wam bam

    • profile image

      Nick 7 weeks ago

      Just one tiny detail, us bisexuals are twice as many as gays.

      And I agree, if I'm dating a woman is because I'm interested in a long relationship with her, just like I'm attracted to blond women I'm attracted to tall men, or adorkable women. But knowing that your SO is ok with your taste and preferences is really cool and makes a guy fall in love with someone!!

    • profile image

      Talon 7 weeks ago

      Really......It is Not fun to fiND you are being used as a beard.....Caught him with transsexual movies.......hardcore.......women's clothes.....his......and rooming with a gay guy on so called business trips.....

      How about a little truth instead of trying to use,someone.........I am an extremely attractive.....so I am told female......so I was the perfect front until I busted him.......do not appreciate at all someone trying to f*** up my life to keep his political life safe.......you would not believe the assholes who do this.....some women never find out until years later.....

      When so many years have been wasted on a lie......

      I am being conservative.....

      I am well educated, was just a bit naive regarding these guys.........I have no issues with anyone's sexual orientation.......I have a HUGE issue with someone trying to affect my life with their dishonesty and narcissistic self interest.......

      There are many more discripting words that could be applied......

    • profile image

      Kahlani smith 8 weeks ago

      I caught my bf watching hardcore gay porn, so I'm thinking he's bi. I also caught him trying to have a threesome with a married couple and he asked the wife what would her husband do to him. I'm so sick right now I just had a baby wit him. I have no problem with anyone's sexual orientation but I would like to make my own choice if I want to deal with that

    • profile image

      Nikki Bonier 3 months ago

      My boyfriend is Homophobic and he secretly calls gay chatlines!

    • profile image

      Kbb 3 months ago

      I already kind of new MY now ex boyfriend was gay because of the fact that I caught him multiple times trying to find tansexuale escorts on the internet. It's just feels better now reading all of this and seeing that I had the right decision to end the relationship before anything happened to me.

    • profile image

      Alex Hamham 3 months ago

      I am a gay man and I had suspicious that my boyfriend might be gay too. This article really opened my eyes thanks you so much! :)

    • thehands profile image
      Author

      Jorge Vamos 6 months ago

      Hahaha, yes, I've never heard of a straight guy wanting his girlfriend's hair to be short. Even when she gets one of those pixie cuts or whatever you call them, it's mostly grudging acceptance.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 6 months ago

      8. He suggests you cut your hair! LOL!

      Seriously not many straight men suggest women cut their hair. :)

      With regard to 6) He Isn't That Interested in Sex With You. It could also mean he doesn't believe in having premarital sex for religious reasons.

      Then again he could be (using that) as an excuse to maintain a public appearance of having a girlfriend.

      You just never know. I suppose you can gage by how passionate the wet kisses are and if there's any real effort to fight off the temptation of having sex.