7 Signs Your Boyfriend Is Secretly Gay: How to Tell If He's Hiding His True Self

Updated on September 13, 2017
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Jorge is a bisexual guy who has mentored other LGBT people over the years. He likes to share his experience with others.


Let's be upfront: You probably wouldn't be reading this article if you didn't already have some kind of suspicious feeling that your boyfriend / spouse / whatever might be gay. We're assuming that you're a woman, of course. (If you're a man, and you think your boyfriend might be gay, then...uh...he probably is.)

The good news is that your boyfriend or husband is likely not gay at all. It's actually pretty common for a woman to question her man's sexuality for reasons that have nothing to do with his preferences, and this could be your situation!

On the other hand, your boyfriend or husband might indeed be gay.

How can you really tell, though? How do you separate the real signs that your boyfriend is gay from the red herrings?

Below I’ll go into details about some false “signs” of same-sex attraction as well as some signs that might actually mean that your boyfriend is into other men. But first, let’s go over some facts about this topic.

You’re Not Alone

Many women are worried that their boyfriends or husbands are gay. According to a book by former Google data scientist Seth Stephens-Davidowitz, search results show that women worry about this even more than if their husband is cheating on them. So you’re not alone in wondering whether you and your boyfriend have been admiring the same view at the beach!

What Is Sexual Orientation? (i.e. What Does It Mean to Be Gay?)

A person's orientation is nothing more than the tendency to be physically attracted to males, females, both, or neither. This can be stable over time, or sometimes fluid.1 That’s it, really. There’s nothing else to it. There are lots of stereotypes surrounding gay people, but it really just comes down to the fact that they like the same gender.

Furthermore, though mainstream society tends to paint attraction as something “black and white” and never-changing (i.e. once you are gay, you are always gay; any same-gender attraction means that you’re gay, etc), the reality is that life is just not that simple.

Even having sexual encounters with other men does not necessarily mean a man is gay. In one study, the number of people who had had sexual experiences with people of the same gender were twice as many as the number who considered themselves gay or bisexual.4 Basically, many people experiment, and it doesn’t have to mean anything.

Even having sexual encounters with other men does not necessarily mean a man is gay.

To complicate things further, you can have a mixture of attractions to the same gender, when it comes to both physical and emotional intimacy.1 For example, I’ve met some guys who were both romantically and physically attracted to women, but only physically attracted to men, with no romance involved. It varies. Every individual is a minefield of random quirks and desires.

What does this all mean, though? It means that your boyfriend or husband might have had homosexual thoughts or feelings, or may have even been physically involved with other men, and he still might not consider himself to have a “gay” orientation. Most people don’t consider themselves gay unless the vast majority of emotional and physical attractions they have are towards the same gender.

Stuff Guys Do That Doesn’t Mean They’re Gay

Human desire is not cut and dry. Worse still, there are tons of stereotypes in our culture concerning how gay or straight guys are supposed to act—and of course these don’t apply to all (or even most) people. Here are some things that don’t necessarily mean your man is gay, though you might think so:

  1. He wants to put things in the "back door." Many men enjoy this, even straight men (though few admit it), so it's nothing to be alarmed about. If anything, be flattered that he's comfortable enough to try new things with you. Also, it is a common misconception that all gay men are into this kind of thing or that the act is inherently gay. In fact, a lot of gay guys don't do this at all.5 It's really all about individual preference here.

  2. He wants to get spicy in the bedroom. Again, he might just want to add some excitement to your sex life. This is common, especially if you’ve been together for years.

  3. He has had sex with men. I know, I know! But bear with me here. It’s hard to believe for most people, but getting it on with a man does not necessarily mean that a guy is gay.2 While most straight guys would never have sex with another man, a small percentage will do this for various reasons. For example, it’s usually easier to get anonymous "favors" from other men than from women. In addition, some people have kinks that have to do with same-sex encounters, but they’re not inherently attracted to the same sex.5 That being said, if he’s engaging in physical relationships with other men (or anyone else) without your knowledge, then obviously something is amiss.

  4. Being effeminate or showing interest in his personal appearance. This is just a stereotype basically. Though there might be some nugget of truth in gay stereotypes, they’re still not a good, consistent indicator of someone’s romantic preferences. Being “gay” just means that a guy is attracted mostly to other men. This has nothing to do with appearance, mannerisms, or fashion choices. Western culture unfortunately tends to stereotype gay men as effeminate and image-obsessed, but most of them actually aren’t like that. (Those are just the ones you tend to notice.) Furthermore, I personally know several effeminate straight men. You really can’t know from mannerisms alone.

So those are some reasons that you might think your boyfriend is gay, even if he’s actually not. On the other hand, here are some signs that are better indicators that your boyfriend might actually have a preference for men:

1) He Doesn't Check Out Other Women

You might think it's great at first when your boyfriend doesn't stare at other women, but this is extremely unusual.

Most men frequently think about sex and unconsciously look at attractive people. It's not even deliberate most of the time—it's just a reflex. If an attractive woman with a rack that she can use as a shelf saunters by in a skimpy outfit and your boyfriend simply yawns and doesn't even seem to notice her, this might be a red flag that he's not into women.

Most gay men will also have had “youthful noticings,” or times in the past when they noticed and were attracted to good-looking men. Straight men never had youthful noticings, or rarely had them.5


2) ...Instead, He Checks Out Other Men

Usually, if a guy is closeted, he won't be obvious about this. Even openly gay men know better than to ogle men in public, considering the negative social consequences.

If you're a guy who is interested in other guys, a tiny "look" is enough. Next time you're with your man, watch for this look if an attractive man walks by. Pay attention to where his eyes are pointed. Did a shirtless guy just walk by, and he quickly raked his eyes up and down the guy's six-pack? Did he steal a look at his crotch?

Another thing to watch out for is eye contact. Just as you might look at a man that you like and there's a brief exchange of energy there between you and him, the same is true for a gay (or bi) guy when he interacts with a man he likes, even briefly. Did he seem to meet eyes with another man and it lasted a little too long?

Men who live in Western countries, like those of North America and Europe, usually won't make prolonged eye contact with other men, unless they're about to fight or about to get it on (or both).

According to Joe Kort, a psychotherapist specializing in gender and sexuality, the beach test is usually a good way to sort this one out. At the beach, are women just in the way while he’s trying to catch a glimpse of other men? This is usually how gay men feel. A man who is bi will look at both men and women, and a straight man won’t even notice the men.5

3) He Is Touchy-Feely With Other Men

If your boyfriend seems a little too eager to cuddle with his buddies, or he is very keen on being naked around them, bathing with them, or doing other potentially intimate activities with them, this is a sign that he might be attracted to men.

Now, it could be that he's just very secure in his masculinity, since there's nothing inherently gay with hugging other guys, but the fact that he has to go against social norms to do this speaks volumes. If he gets turned on during these activities, then of course there’s probably some attraction there.

Guys from Western cultures (like the United States) tend to be particularly physically distanced from other guys, so remember to take your man’s culture into account. Western guys tend to show their affection for each other more with playful wrestling or fighting, if anything.

However, if your boyfriend is from a non-English-speaking culture, especially South Asia, East Asian, or the Middle East, it's actually not that unusual in certain countries for men to embrace, kiss, or even walk down the street holding hands. This doesn't mean he's necessarily gay.

4) He is Homophobic or Acts Uncomfortable Around Gay Men

One of the BIGGEST tell-tale signs that your boyfriend is insecure with his sexuality is if he shows unusual levels of homophobia.5

Most straight men have no problem with gay guys. But if your boyfriend actively hates gay men even if they have never done anything to him and never speak to him, then this is extremely telling. You've probably heard loads of stories about anti-gay preachers who were later discovered to be trolling gay hookup sites.

Many times, a man who hates the fact that he likes other men will take it out on gay people and treat them badly. At the very least, it's not unusual for a guy who is denying his sexuality to fear coming into contact with people who are living with their gayness freely.

Watch him closely next time he is around gay men. Does he act weird?

Homophobia is one of the biggest signs that your boyfriend or husband might be questioning his sexuality.

5) He's Obsessed With Other People's Sexuality

Maybe he's not homophobic, but do his ears perk up when you mention that one of your friends is gay? Does he ask a lot of questions about them? Does he seem interested in how they came out to their parents, or what other people's reactions were?

Similarly, does he bring up people's sexuality a lot? Does he talk about how this or that person at his job turned out to be gay? Does he mention gay family members of his a lot?

He may be interested because he himself is gay or bisexual, but may not know it yet, or simply doesn't know how to express it.

Of course, if he only talks about these things occasionally, he could just be a curious guy. Human beings like to gossip about the sexuality of others. The concern here would be if he has an obsession or preoccupation with gay sexuality--that’s rather unusual for a straight man.

And on the other end of things, some closeted men avoid bringing up gay topics at all for fear of being “found out,” so someone doesn’t need to necessarily exhibit this sign to be gay.


6) He Isn't That Interested in Sex With You

This could mean several things. For one, your boyfriend could be asexual or he might just not be attracted to you anymore for a variety of reasons. People change and so do their tastes.

However, if he never really seemed that into touching you, even in the beginning of your relationship when you're supposed to be in a honeymoon period, then something is probably wrong. This sign by itself doesn't mean he's gay, but coupled with some of the other signs, it can be telling.

Also keep in mind that an absence of this sign doesn't always mean he's not into men, either. In other words, he could be mostly gay, but enjoy sex with women to some extent—or he could be bisexual (but more on that later).

Sex in the relationship might have died down for many other factors as well — including other relationship problems, work schedules, boredom, and so on. In fact, not having enough sex is a common complaint of many women in straight relationships,2 and on its own it probably doesn’t mean he’s gay.

7) His Social Media Contacts Are Suspicious

Let's say you take a look at his Facebook profile and notice that there's lots of different men on there. You also notice that a lot of them seem gay. Maybe you notice that a lot of them aren't mutual friends with you, and in fact you had no idea that he knew these people.

Even worse, if you discover that he has more than one account and has been hiding one from you, this is a definite sign that there's something he isn't telling you. If you notice that his second account has a friends list filled with dozens of strange men, then this is extremely suspicious and you should consider confronting him on this alone.

Finally--and worst of all--if you find out that he has a profile on a gay dating site, then this is a glaring, giant, neon sign.

Obviously, this one seals the deal. No man joins a gay dating app or site "just for laughs." He's looking for another man to get frisky with.

No man joins a gay dating app or site "just for laughs."

How do you find out whether or not he's on a gay dating site, though?

Well, you could make your own fake profile and look for him on there or ask your gay friends if they’ve seen him, but avoid catfishing your boyfriend if you can. The paranoia will drive you crazy. If it’s getting to this point, you might just want to talk to him about what you’ve uncovered so far.

More important than even the gay thing, if you’ve found him on a dating site, he’s looking to hook up with someone else secretly. The fact that it is with a man is secondary. He has breached your trust.

Everyone has different relationship expectations and boundaries, so where you draw the line on what “cheating” is depends on what the two of you have established. The fact is, many men don’t consider having sex with other men as cheating if they’re in heterosexual relationships,5 so they might not feel compelled to say anything about it. It “doesn’t count,” basically. You might feel differently, of course.

You Won't Know Until You Ask

No matter how much research you do, you won’t know for sure until you talk to your boyfriend (assuming he tells the truth). Even most “evidence” of a person’s sexuality can be interpreted many different ways because of cultural biases, so you will need to clear this up with him.

The sooner you just talk to your boyfriend about it, the better. This will help establish the difference between reality and the stories that your mind might have concocted.

He Might Not Be Gay, but He Could Be Bi

Maybe you’ve come to the conclusion that your boyfriend is gay, or at least that he likes men. Here’s what that doesn’t mean:

  • It doesn’t mean you’re right. Again, there’s no way to know for sure the exact specifics of another person’s sexuality. Even that person himself may not know. Chances are, he’s straight, since most men are.

  • It doesn't mean he doesn’t love you.

  • It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t like women. (See below, about bisexual guys.)

  • It doesn’t mean he’s a bad person. There is still a huge stigma against being gay. He might not have the courage to come out or he may even be in denial. It’s possible he didn’t know about his same-sex feelings when he got into a relationship with you.

Bisexual Men: The Silent Minority

Your boyfriend could also be bisexual. Many people dismiss this notion and just assume that any man who likes other men must be gay, but that's simply not true. There are plenty of men who are bisexual. They are just less willing to admit it than women are—for obvious reasons.

If the fact that he's bi doesn't bother you (and he isn't cheating), then there's probably no reason to confront him about it unless you're willing to embarrass him. We all have our random sexual preferences, and you're probably dreaming if you think that those preferences begin and end with you. His being attracted to both men and women is no different than if he was into blondes as well as redheads. As long as he stays true to you, what does it matter?

It doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

Then Again, Maybe He Is Gay

On the other hand, if you did all your research and that little voice inside your head is telling you that he's fully, 100% gay and not interested in you sexually, then it's time to confront him.

Nobody likes living a lie.

Approach him in a non-judgmental way, and you're much more likely to get the truth out of him. Also remember that if he is gay and in a relationship with you (a woman), then it’s no walk in the park for him, either.

He probably wasn’t trying to intentionally deceive you. There are many reasons he might have not told you. Maybe he doesn’t want to hurt you or isn’t ready yet to face the consequences of coming out. Maybe he doesn’t even know for sure whether or not he is gay.

You might be angry, but try to remember that this is someone you care about. If he’s struggling with his sexuality, it’s not really his fault, and he could probably use your support as a friend.

Of course if you bring it up and he completely denies it, but you continue to see glaring signs, it might be time to rethink the relationship.


  1. Reams, Richard H, Ph.D. “Am I Gay: A Guide for People Questioning Their Sexual Orientation.” 2017. Accessed September 2, 2017.

  2. Brody, Liz. “Is My Husband Gay?” How a New Book Uses Big Data to Unearth Women's Secret Obsessions.” May 10, 2017. Glamour. Accessed September 2, 2017.

  3. Barrie, Zara. “Looks Like A Lot Of Straight Dudes Are Watching Gay Porn, Science Says.” October 12, 2016. Elite Daily. Accessed September 2, 2017.

  4. Franke-Ruta, Garance. “Americans Have No Idea How Few Gay People There Are.” May 31, 2012. The Atlantic. Accessed September 2, 2017.

  5. Weiss, Robert, LCSW, CSAT-S. “Is Your Man Gay, Straight or Bisexual?” December 1, 2014. Psychology Today. Accessed September 2, 2017.

The Signs

Does Your Boyfriend Show Any of the Above Signs of Being Secretly Gay?

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Your Conclusions

After Reading This Article, Do You Think Your Boyfriend Might Be Gay?

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Leave a Comment

If you suspect that your boyfriend is secretly gay, or have recently discovered that he is, leave a comment below with your story. Maybe it could help someone else.

Questions & Answers

    © 2017 Jorge Vamos


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      • profile image

        Aidan Becker 13 days ago

        My boyfriend jokes about being gay a lot.... He says I'm gay too.... Is he abusive or a homosexual?

      • profile image

        DLE 2 weeks ago

        Whenever he sees a gay male couple, he seems obsessed with looking at them. He starts touching his lips and neck. He seems to try not to stare, but, keeps looking over. If we're in a restaurant, he'll turn his chair slightly away from me, and towards their table, so that he can keep looking over at them. I've asked him subtly about this, but, he always denies that he's interested in anyone but me. He used make homophobic comments, but, has finally stopped, due to peer pressure. He always wants to go to male gay movies.

      • profile image

        Elaine 3 weeks ago

        Yes because of how he acts around his guy friends,and all ways nice to them more than his wife.and keeping things from me and telling me he forgot are for got,really.thanks

      • profile image

        Lori123 4 weeks ago

        My ex always hated gay men. He was narcissistic and when i was friends with my current boyfriend he always made comments about his blonde hair and blue eye swedish decent and about the light shining out of his swedish ass. He would sit very close to our daughters boyfriend with his leg crossed bouncing it up and down and giggling about something on his cell phone. He got a gift for his friend at works son and told his friend that my daughter has a crush on him, and she never did but i think it was my ex that had a crush on his work friend. His work friend also had blonde hair and blue eyes.

      • profile image

        Nono 6 weeks ago

        I have a boyfriend. At the first time, i dont think that he is gay. But after I upload my picture with him in my media sosial, there are some my friend especially boy ask to me "he is normal? ". Since my friend asking about it, i have try to get information. He get study at one of university of UK. Then i get from his media sosial some picture when he get study. He join with one of gay club there. And I look there are so many picture of him and his friend. And at that picture, so many picture he hug with his friend. What do you think ?

      • profile image

        It’s A Secret 6 weeks ago

        DUDE what Dee said Five Hours Ago is exactly it. Literally broke up with the guy because he seemed sooo gay, girly overall, he called his mom HUN and got off on taking selfies of himself.... confronted him last night and he’s like I can’t believe you think that way of me, why can’t you deal with the fact i’m Straight? “EVERYBODY IS BI” like uh, i’m Not?

      • profile image

        Dee 6 weeks ago

        I've actually confronted my boyfriend about him being gay and he just laughs and says things like "I'm comfortable with myself and I know what I want or I can't believe you actually think that way of me" But something in me just tells me he might be gay. Specially his homophobic side. Confronting him has got me no where. I just know he won't admit it..

      • profile image

        Liza Manelli 7 weeks ago

        My bf is totally gay... It's really hard for me to come to terms with it all.. I feel so alone

      • profile image

        c2gemineyes 8 weeks ago

        For 5 yrs the guy that was supposed to be my life partner has hooked up other men from craigslist just about every other month. I suspected him to be gay the 1st week. It didnt bother me but the deception did. He still lies about it (& everything else that comes out of his mouth). Im about an 8 on the scale of attractiveness. At least body. He'll actually turn to the side when passing by me if I'm naked in the bathroom so he doesnt touch me. The same way a straight guy might do in the locker room. Hes turned me down a couple of times for sex. One morning he texted a guy after telling me No & told him that he was available b4 work that morning. He actually called into work 1 day in order to go see some guy he contacted from CL that morning. Hes sugar sweet, actually downright sappy with guys and rude & disrespectful to women. So, yes, hes Gay.

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        Cuddlesbear 2 months ago

        Been with my fella for 2 years now and found him on fabswingers taking to men dressed up as woman so i confronted him and he told me he thought they was woman so i forgave him but recently ive found gay pornsites on my history im so confused does this mean he bi ?

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        Diana 2 months ago

        He started out in this 4 year relationship just crazy head over heels in love with me. Spoiled me with his attention then I had life changing event. He’s been right there- not always nice and not always loving! Our intimacy has gone totally out the door. He just wants to cuddle me now and tells me that’s enough. He’s the biggest flirt/charmer at his job. I found on his phone several texts that were very inappropriate for a person in a relationship. The one that has kept me awake and disturbed me the most was from a “drag queen “. They obviously have a relationship going on and a good one. Queen told him what he was going to have done when he got there after work. That explains why he never had any vacation time for our family. I hate lies and I truly hope that he enjoys his gay life- Mr USDA Chicken Inspector

      • profile image

        marykayla 2 months ago

        i had my suspicions but this article really confirmed it

        my boyfriend is definitely gay. i confronted him (nicely) about it and he admitted to me he's been having thoughts about men. he also said thats why we never have sex anymore.

        i still love him but i need to leave him wild.

        great read, very halpful. thank u

      • profile image

        Hng CNN mug 3 months ago

        If a man doesn't like homosexual activity around him that does not mean he's gay or homophobic...

      • profile image

        Jm 3 months ago

        My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years. We are both in our younger 20’s and still have sex, but throughout our relationship he has deceived/wronged me on more occasions I can count. At first it was cheating with various girls, but then I went through his email and found he had been using Craigslist and apps to sext prostitues and couples looking for men to join them. He did end up hooking up with a prostitute during a business trip, but I forgave him and he sought counseling. Still with counseling, he is still using Craigslist and sexting pictures of himself. Over time he has seemed less and less interested in me. Last week I went into his phone and saw he had sent a chat in Snapchat saying he was “bi and down to play”. Last night he asked me to have a threesome with another guy. I find this especially odd since I consider him somewhat homophobic. I’m not sure how to confront him and tell him what I saw in this phone, but I am not interested in the same fantasies.

      • profile image

        Anita 3 months ago

        Sorry, but if he led you on he is a bad person. No matter if it was with another woman or a guy. Bad people lead on other people not good people, obviously... I f he didn't know in the beginning of the relationship he has to tell his girlfriend as soon as he finds out. And if he a husband - he would have to resist the temptation of other women too, so this is the same category.

        And, yes, bisexual is gay.

      • profile image

        coco 3 months ago

        me and my boyfriend have been together two years. I had his phone and was of course going through it cause he talks to many females.... for some reason I felt like he’s been hiding something with this guy. so I went through their text messages and the other guy texted him “I want to try a new position” “I want that d*ck again” I am very bothered and idk what to do I don’t want to believe it

      • profile image

        Wondering 4 months ago

        My boyfriend and I were close friends for a really long time before dating and during those times he would get really really close with our other guy friends. I just always thought he was joking around and just having fun but now I think he was having a little too much fun. After reading this article just because the title made me think I did as it suggested with his social media accounts and now I’m most positive that he is attracted to men whether it’s that he’s gay or bi but I can’t deny that he does. When ever I bring up gay friends of ours or matters he quickly changes the subject I’m concerned that he doesn’t know what he likes and that even after all this time he won’t let me help him with this. I love him so much but I don’t want to keep him in a relationship that is torturing him what should I do?

      • thehands profile image

        Jorge Vamos 4 months ago


        You're right to find this kind of weird. Unless he's really, REALLY good friends with this guy, then probably some kind of transaction is going on between them. It is certainly possible he may be having sex with this guy, or is at least stringing the guy along making him think that he's going to get something.

      • thehands profile image

        Jorge Vamos 4 months ago


        Well, it certainly sounds like he's in denial about something. Usually when people get defensive, there's some shame involved. He might be gay or bi and not want to admit it to himself...but it could also be something else.

      • thehands profile image

        Jorge Vamos 4 months ago


        Indeed, it sounds like your boyfriend might be bi and he wants to explore that part of himself again. If you don't have a problem with it (seems like the two of you already have no problem engaging with multiple partners), then I wouldn't worry about it too much. Just make sure he knows to always use protection.

      • profile image

        janet 5 months ago

        my bf lives with a gay man RENT FREE and we all know nothing in life is free. I've asked him about it and he just cusses me out about it. They're not related the man is actually 42 and my bf is 25. what yall think?

      • profile image

        Lisa 6 months ago

        He has and stronge smell came from his butt befor shower and after shower he always on the toilets don't like to be touch no cuddled no conversation with me only happy around men very loud so people notic him expressly men delete all male callers etc...

      • profile image

        DR 6 months ago

        I'm dating this guy for almost 4months and the first week we were having sex then after that the sec became less after two weeks until no sex at all. I have notice he ask about my sister and gay clubs because my sister is gay. He does not go out much just a few time go out with his male friends. When he goes to work he wears tight shirts and shows his under wear so people can see. He overly talks bad about gays and just overly don't like gays. He was gone all day and came home and ran to the bathroom and blew out so much air like a blow back from butt sex and he made a painful sound so he turned on porn and I asked to put my fingers in his butt and it was open I stuck two figures and no shit was up there and he did not move at all just laid and watched porn. So I asked him in a non threatening way so he can be comfortable and he got so mad it's like he is asham of what he likes. He said he would go to a gay club to pick up girls if I go... He won't be truthfully I'm very open about sexuality be truthful to yourself but this subject is so overly blown out the water. It's a friend of his that he won't have me meet but as I look at him I see it, he calls Chapstick lip gloss. Please some advice from a bisexual man please

      • profile image

        MIchelle 6 months ago

        He has all the signs and more to it. I always thought he was cheating or gay. But apparently he just might be both.

      • profile image

        Dee 7 months ago

        My high school boyfriend and I were each other's first, both late bloomers and neglected kids. He had sexual encounters as a youth with a boy neighbor. 32 years later we reconnected. His 19 year marriage to an older frigid woman ended in divorce after we reunited. It's been 5 years and he is very attracted to men who look like him and wants to be with a man. We have sex on overdrive and attend swingers events and parties as exhibitionist. He wants to have sex with every woman there and now men, but hasn't yet. Last night he commented that he would like to be with a man when I next leave for a weekend. I'm thinking he is bi but not sure.

      • thehands profile image

        Jorge Vamos 7 months ago

        @Susan Oberer,

        Do not date this man again. Jesus, this guy did all of this to you--even gave you a disease--and you're still just concerned about the fact that he might be gay?

        Since I don't know him personally, there's no way to know if he's really gay. From what you describe, I personally would assume he's neither gay nor straight--plenty of people are somewhere in between. However, as I said, there's no way you or I can know for sure. Only he knows that.

        The fact that he was increasingly impotent probably has nothing to do with his sexuality, though. He's an older guy, which means his testosterone levels might have taken a dive. This hormone is essential for his performance. Supplements don't really help this much; only direct administration of testosterone will raise his levels significantly.

        Also, he takes nervous system depressants like alcohol on a regular basis. This combo of age and drug abuse will almost certainly make any guy have performance issues.

        And more importantly, DON'T DATE THIS GUY. You deserve more than the way that he treated you. If he's addicted to drugs, the drugs will always come first for him. It sounds like he doesn't have every high standards for his life, so why would he have high standards for your relationship?

        Having unprotected sex with him (especially in the back entrance, which is more dangerous) is a bad idea as well, especially if you suspect that he's been fooling around. Extra especially if you suspect that he has been fooling around with other men with no protection. Just don't do it.

        There are nice men out there who would be happy to be in a committed relationship with you and wouldn't run around doing drugs or two-timing you. Please, PLEASE raise your standards.

      • thehands profile image

        Jorge Vamos 7 months ago

        Hello, Lola10.

        The first issue I see here is that if he made those appointments during your relationship (not before you got together), then he cheated. That's a bigger problem than his being with a trans lady. (Unless you have an open relationship or something.)

        To answer your question, though, lots of guys find trans women to be taboo and exciting. Believe it or not, most of those guys are straight. The vast majority, in my experience.

        I've known many, many trans women, and most of their boyfriends are straight. I've also known a few trans ladies who were working girls, such as the kind your boyfriend might have visited, and most of their customers are straight men.

        If you think about it, it kind of makes sense: Gay guys are interested in men, not women. It's uncommon, in my experience, for a gay guy to be attracted to any kind of woman, transsexual or otherwise. (Though it does occasionally happen.) So most guys who are into trans women are straight, and some might be bi.

        Like you said, it is sometimes true that a closeted gay guy might try to experiment at first with a trans woman if he's in denial. However, if he really is gay and only interested in men, he probably wouldn't do this multiple times. Being with a trans woman is a very different experience from being with a man, and most gay men would not find it too exciting.

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        Charlotte 7 months ago

        i knew only when he became friends with a gay friend of mine, after i asked him i had a gut instict, he was then sex became un easy then he asked to marry me ... i knew then he told me the first person he thought he was gay.... im not judgmental at all but, it hurt like hell, it was stillcheating and id feel the same if he cheated with a woman

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        Liz Reeve 7 months ago

        My now ex boyfriend spent 6 years before being with me having sex with men and had an on\off relationship with a man for two years and two weeks before our first date had msde future plans with this man to be together out openly and was going to introduce him to his family and kids. But i guess got scared of reality and we ended up together almost 5 years. The reason we aren't together is he had numerous affairs and my gut says that they all weren't just with women. But he still days hes straight. Hes 40 years old 3 kids 3 different mommas and never bern married. I was to blind to see all his red flags.

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        Susan Oberer 7 months ago

        Please I need opinions because of my feelings I can't see clearly.


        I have been with my man for almost 3 years. The first time we decided to have sex he apologized to me due to his inability to get and maintain an erection. I just figured first time performance issues. We moved in together soon after and not only did this issue continue but the frequency of attempts at having sex diminished greatly. He continued to have erection problems all the time. He was affectionate at times. He was getting high and we figured his impotence was due to that. Then the drinking became prevalent and the impotency became a huge problem. It was very frustrating in the bedroom trying over and over with no results. He was at least providing oral sex to me until he matter of factly stated one night while in bed as he was performing oral sex on me that he didn't like it at all. Up until this point I just chalked it up to the drinking and drugs. He had also gone to the doctor to get help. He received a prescription for Cialis which I was more than happy to purchase. He also tried using some testosterone supplements to help. He said he would try it but when I would suggest that we finally try it out, he would drink to, I believe to prevent its effectiveness.

        I have to backtrack a bit, in the beginning he was not at all embarrassed by showing off his body in all its glory to me. We are both in our 50's. He is very fit and I had just lost 70 lbs but still insecure about my body and being my first relationship in over 10 years, it was reasonable. Well, as I said he loved prancing around showing off. However I started to become concerned when as he was showing off he would be admiring himself in the mirror and then turn his back to the mirror, spread open his butt cheeks and say so proudly what a gorgeous asshole he had. He did this almost daily. I became concerned and thoughts started to swirl around in my head with ideas that I didn't want to believe. Not too long after that he told me about sexual encounters that he had had with a gay male neighbor when he was about 19. He said that this guy offered $50 to the guys in the neighborhood that would allow him to perform oral sex on them. My boyfriend stated that he partook in this activity quite a few times. He said that it was strictly for the money. At this point we had been together for about a year and I loved him so much that I really was mixed up about what to think but I wasn't willing to let our relationship fail because of something that happened so long ago, but his behavior was very disconcerting to me. He also told me that whenever he had had a relationship with a woman, that the woman would support him exclusively. He didn't work. So now the word gigolo came to mind. I started to think about everything he had said, his previous experiences, his unusual admiration for his asshole, his inability to get an erection, living off of women and his yearly HIV testing and wondered if my partner was gay or bisexual. He has a daughter that is gay and when she told him he became very aggressive and enraged that he cut off all contact. It has been over 15 years since he saw or spoke to her. As time went on this situation of no intimacy led to many fights and my feelings became much stronger towards what I believed his sexual preferences were.

        I am still very much in love with him. I don't know what to think. I can't broach the subject with him for fear of aggression towards me.

        He tells me that he loves me then the next he hates me. He says I am the reason his life is screwed up, that is the addict talking. Unfortunately at a point when things were extremely bad between us just about three months ago we had a very bad fight and he went on a binge. I wouldn't allow him back in our home unless he got treatment. He choose to go to the city and get high but this time on heroin. He ended up at some unknown females apartment. He told me that he was so high that he collapsed in her shower and that she assisted him in getting out. He stayed with her for days unbeknownst to me. I asked if had sex with her and he said no. At this time I was out of state because of a family emergency but he and I were talking and he wanted to come home and I said okay with conditions that he agreed to. When I went to pick him up in the city he was so high and his nose was covered in scabs from snorting heroin. I asked if he had sex with her but he insisted no. I replied how the heck would you know if you were so high. I decided that I couldn't deal with his addiction any longer and basically we lived as roommates. My nephew recently died from an overdose and I went to stay with my sister at that time but he was calling and texting me to come home asap. He was going to be leaving and we were going our separate ways until he finished with long term rehab. On my way home he texted me that he had a surprise waiting for me. The surprise was that he wanted to make love to me and that he wanted my ass. At this point I didn't care because this would be the first time that he could maintain an erection and hopefully please me. It was good but very awkward. It seemed like I was with someone who was very inexperienced or maybe a first timer. It didn't take long for him to request to perform anal and I was willing. That is when I saw and felt a different person emerge. He was no longer the inexperienced person that had just been inside of me. I didn't say much and for the first time ever I couldn't wait for it to be over. I was so not in to him. He is back in rehab and this one seems to be working. He did call me one day asking if I had anything to confess to him maybe about being with someone else because he was having an issue. This prompted me to go to the doctor to get tested for an STD and thanks to him having sex with that skank he left me with a lifetime gift. He broke it off with me the same day I called to tell him that my dad had died. I have had very limited contact with him. Some letters to him nothing more. No visits he says he doesn't want to see me. Then last night I see a text that was extremely weird from him late at night saying he wants to see me and he misses me. I am not responding for many reasons but the biggest one that is foremost is his sexual preferences and the transmission of the STD. I believe in for better or worse and I have had plenty of worse. I can live with most of what has happened except if he is gay. Please read this and let me know what you think. Am I being suspicious for no reason or are his actions something I should be concerned about and move on?

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        Lola10 7 months ago

        I recently found out my boyfriend has had a few encounters with Transexuals...... it's hard to find articles on this but when I confronted him obviously he blatantly denied it all, until I provided the evidence of what I had found, he then said it was Tabu thing. .... that normal porn got boring so he turned to this.... but I mean it's one thing to watch transexual porn but it's a massive thing to make the conscious decision to make appointments with transexual prostitute ladies ..... thoughts???? all his mates are real blokey blokes who have no time for gay guys so I can understand him being closet gay, and I could also understand that possibly being with a transexual would be kind of easier for him because she is a women, kind of?? So the imagery of it was normal for him and that made it feel ok. ??? I've no idea ☹️ Help

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        Nicci 8 months ago

        Just split with guy who for the past 4 1/2 years has been lying to me about his sexuality. To begin with we had sex few times then it got less often. By 6 months in I knew something was wrong and blamed myself. Thought I was too fat too old etc.. made extra effort and tried hard to get things on time track. But it carried on no sex no touching and no kisses. We were away on holiday and he was sound asleep, being very cagey about his phone, I decided to go through it. Never get opportunity like this I thought. And there it was, he was on several gay/bi hook up sites. I copied the name he used and saved. The night before we left he was with another guy. He had been posting on different sites for over 2 yr. I was totally and utterly devastated. Thank god there was only a day left and the journey home was not easy. Had to stop myself crying and trying to act normal. Home, he dropped me off and the moment he left i fell apart.

        So I made my profiles, went on my mission to get solid evidence that couldn't be denied. And I got this, in the form of pictures of his face and dick on one shot. Many dick pics and his address. He gave me everything I needed and all the details of dogging,times places, often invited me and to his home. I eventually with everything I had on him confronted him. Plus I had catfish couple of guy on sites and one knew him and was besides himself. I knew 150% what the truth was. I walked away, hurt and devastated, by this time lost 4 stone from the stress and lies. I felt broken and almost suicidal if honest, was few other things he put in place to distract me, like I believed that he may die. Asking me if so please arrange things.. collecting my belongings he threw a curve ball. He promised me that if he moved in with me (I was moving to new place) he would give me 100% commitment and leave it all behind, besides it was only fantasy... I have to this day never had any explanation or apologies. Moved in with new hope and optimism in my heart. The 1st day of our new life I could see in his face what he had been doing night before. Bit hurt I thought leave it there. So new life.... no sex no love no cuddles no kisses and a shed load of rejection. Talked to him many times. Cried myself to sleep many times. He would come to bed just before I had to get up before work. Rarely did we go to bed at same time. I was hurting and frustrated with all this. Started sleeping on sofa because wasn't going to give him space to do his nasty thing. I started to resent and kind of gay things on TV and would make me angry. 6 times we had sex in 2 yr. Mostly wam bam 30 second job. After 2yr of living together, I finally broke and after finding on my tablet he'd search for hook ups, feeling pretty crappie and unbelievable amount of hurt I toohingsablethrew him out. Now he wants me to apologise for this feel sorry for him. Yet he wants me but wants his seedy life to !! No way. It didn't have to be this way, many many times I told him that I will support him, be there blah blah.. all I need was his honesty. Short of busting that wardrobe door off with a pick axe laying a red carpet and fanfare nothing more I could have done. The wiff of mothballs follow him. It's the lies deception and how dirty his secret became. The utter rejection I felt and the emotional tournament I'might still going through. There's help out there for men to come out, where is the help for women who have been through this ??

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        Angie 8 months ago

        I recently found out that my boyfriend was video skyping with women and men for virtual sex. Our sexual life was not really working very well due to some bad experiences with his ex girlfriends ...or at least that is what he told me...the fact that he was doing this with women as to be able to receive from them a certain confirmation that he is attractive or he can still turn on somebody i can understand it ....but the part with the men is what scares me the most...i asked him if he is attracted or if he is bi, he deny it he said he is into women but when he was online and there was no girl to approach he did it with a men but not because he was attracted ....he said he doesn't know hoe to explain me....and i don't know what to belive or understand. He is a very quiet person and ver introverted, he doesn't have friends or any interest in making. What should i belive?

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        Chezym 9 months ago

        I have a crush on a guy

        my brother and I met a few months ago. My brother is gay. The only thing is that whenever I text or call him he takes hours, days, or just will not care to respond. Also, if i ask him to hangout he will decline.

        I thought at first maybe he is just playing hard to get, because he eventually does end up getting in touch with me. I told him up front that I liked him, and asked him straight up if he was gay.

        He laughed and said no.

        However, if my brother texts him he almost always answers back right away, and if my brother asks him to hang out, he will usually come out with both of us and a few other friends . what is going on with this guy?

        It's driving me crazy! and I'm not bad


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        Claire 9 months ago

        Iv been with my boyfriend nearly 4 years and we have a nearly 2 year old child together.

        We don't have sex unless he's drunk or hi

        He watches shemale and gay porn

        And has a lot of shemale friends on social media.

        He says he's not gay but is interested in a 3some with me and a shemale.

        He tells me to talk dirty about gay sex involving him ?

        So confused and heartbroken?

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        Jorge Vamos 9 months ago


        Tough situation. You know him better than anyone here does, so you are in the best position to judge this.

        I will say this, though: Many guys of our generation live in a fantasy world. We grew up getting our jollies off videos on the Internet instead of real sex. For a small percentage of guys, this severely alters their ability to have a real-life physical relationship. The hyper-stimulation of what they see at the strip club or online makes actual sex with a normal person seem boring by comparison.

        The fact that he watches girl-on-girl stuff makes me think that he's not necessarily gay, since the vast majority of gay guys are not interested in this type of material. However, the fact that he "maybe" kissed a guy seems...not straight. Maybe he's bi. Maybe he's not anything in particular.

        But gay stuff aside, the fact that he goes to the strip club every day is troubling.

        Unless he's going there just to hang out with friends or whatever, spending money on sexual stimulation *every day* like that (when you can just get it for free online or with a partner) might point to a sexual addiction. That's the bigger issue here, I think.

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        Jane 9 months ago

        My boyfriend goes to a strip club everyday. He enjoys watching female on female porn but he doesn't seem to want to have sex with me. He says he's tired from work, and we'll occasionally have sex when he can tell I'm super frustrated. I think he mighy be gay or bisexual and is covering up with me, the porn, and strip clubs. He's a super sweet guy, not super masculine, he could just be really gentle. But theres something in his mannerisms, he could just be metro?he also goes to a gay club sometimes with friends to "dance" and he's made out with chicks there before possibly a male but he said he didn't realize it was a male. I don't know how to bring this up or ask him if he is at all? He wants to get married someday he says. I love him he says he loves me but sometimes I do feel a little disconnect like he's not be genuine.

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        Sarah 9 months ago

        I'm not sure if he's gay but I think he is. He uses my tweezers and snaps his fingers in a playful way saying oh no boo boo.. He talks with a lot of guys and touches his self a lot while looking at other men in public. Scary..! I've asked him before if he's gay pretty much he brush it off. I've asked him why he keep touching his self looking at other men he tells me I'm making it out what to what I want. Which is far from the truth. When you're with someone for years or even months, you noctice a lot things. Such as, how he treats you and talk to you and just things he use to do. Can someone please tell me if you've had an similar experience and if your mate actually turned out to be gay

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        kristen yaba 9 months ago

        my boyfriend likes to sleep next to his friends and talking about penis and lastly he smiles when one of his friends put their hand around his shoulder

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        Rene 10 months ago

        I'm 38yrs old an have been with other guys but this one seems like he doesn't want to touch me as much as all the others? He has nothing but naked we on on his screen saver an talks about how he likes the look of we on but I really can't understand why he doesn't seem to want to touch me even for a slight coress? I'm


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        Nikki Watts 10 months ago

        I think my boyfriend is gay...he insist on having anal sex; he called gay chatlines; and he is extremely homophobic. I confronted him but he denies it, and I have no proof of him being sexually with men. I know the truth..but I need evidence to leave!

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        Cupcake 10 months ago

        Well, After going through his phone and reading text messages I realized that him and his home boy (male friend) exchanged selfies....random pics. That's not a buggy because it was nasty pics and nasty tact talk. The problem is why are two home boys exchanging pics when they work together everyday. It just seem like a more feminine thing to do. There have been times we were out late and he said it was his home boy calling him. Really?! Why the he@% is a guy calling another guy late and he's with his lady? It happened to on my bday when we were out late at a party. At least twice I seeen him step away to take his call saying it's his friend. I'm thinking ugh....why are you even answering. Then again it could've been a female and he just lied. 3rd, we don't sex anymore. I'm the one asking for it not him and he has never came while inside. He can only achieve this if he jac%s off. He's always around a lot of his buddies who work with him. The desire to go out and fornicate with me has diminished. I'm the aggressor when it comes to that. 1-2 a month is freaking insane. He's always tired, busy or another time. We argue like hel%! I don't understand how the people he complain about so much are the same person/people who he is always with. ??? Now I've noticed his male friend staying at the house. His brother stays there too and they have the same friends so that can always be the excuse....it's just their friend who works with them.

        I asked my bf does he stay there now and he replied with an attitude @whi stays with you!?" Wth kind of a response is that?!!? A simple question.

        He has mentioned that's i can do "anything" to him. Hmmm?

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        I just broke up with a guy several months ago because I had a strong suspension that he was gay i brush off rumors of him being gay bcuz he explained that he was staying with a gay friend or family me 10 months ago

        just broke up with a guy several months ago because I had a strong suspension that he was gay i brush off rumors of him being gay bcuz he explained that he was staying with a gay friend or family member until he got his own place and that's how the rumors started swirling around but as the relationship progressed i noticed he did not want to have sex at all we only had sex maybe 5times in a year and he has a very private relationship with a gay guy he calls his best friend but then he turnsaround and act homophobic and one of my gay friends use to be friends with him and i asked him about my boyfriend and he called him gay he confirmed that he was hanging with a gay click and acting gay at one point

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        Michelle 10 months ago

        What if he was cheating with girls that look like dudes and have those masculine characteristics? I use to think he was cheating or gay. Now that we confirmed he was cheating I can't help to think why? I mean at least if it was for a hotter chick that could make a little sense. I mean he shows sexual desire when he takes a pill. Aside from that he tries everything to get out of doing anything with me. I'm am frustrated and I think he knows this so he makes excuses. He'd rather spend hours and hours with guys or watching fights on YouTube. My self esteem has dropped so low and feel I just tolerate it just to not be alone. It's not that I can't get guys it's just I'm reaching forty and don't really want to go on the quest on finding a soulmate

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        Heartbroken 10 months ago

        Just last night after work, his phone was ringing so I answered, when i hung it up he had 3 Notification messages from an app called Jack'd. when I checked out the app it said, a gay chat room...I'm sick & he hasn't spoken to me..while he was on his phone I went to the bathroom & I was looking up the App. I was shaking I thought it was going to be a dating site did I say I was shaking just as I'm putting in his email address, he text me asking if he hopes I'm happy with what I found. I went right to him and asked him "what the hell is Jack'd"...he immediately scrolled though his phone trying to show me that he didn't have the app. I know what I saw. But I didn't say one word except "I know what I saw"...since than no words from him. No nothing...now I'm here...#4 and this phrase "Finally--and worst of all--if you find out that he has a profile on a gay dating site, then this is a glaring, giant, neon sign."....

        I'm devastated. I have loved him for 3 years & 2 months and now this...

        I don't know what to do...I love him so much

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        Jules67 10 months ago

        I believe my husband married me to cover his sexuality, i feel doomed, we've been married 3 months n had sex 4 times n then it's just wam bam

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        Nick 10 months ago

        Just one tiny detail, us bisexuals are twice as many as gays.

        And I agree, if I'm dating a woman is because I'm interested in a long relationship with her, just like I'm attracted to blond women I'm attracted to tall men, or adorkable women. But knowing that your SO is ok with your taste and preferences is really cool and makes a guy fall in love with someone!!

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        Talon 11 months ago

        Really......It is Not fun to fiND you are being used as a beard.....Caught him with transsexual movies.......hardcore.......women's clothes.....his......and rooming with a gay guy on so called business trips.....

        How about a little truth instead of trying to use,someone.........I am an extremely attractive.....so I am told female......so I was the perfect front until I busted him.......do not appreciate at all someone trying to f*** up my life to keep his political life safe.......you would not believe the assholes who do this.....some women never find out until years later.....

        When so many years have been wasted on a lie......

        I am being conservative.....

        I am well educated, was just a bit naive regarding these guys.........I have no issues with anyone's sexual orientation.......I have a HUGE issue with someone trying to affect my life with their dishonesty and narcissistic self interest.......

        There are many more discripting words that could be applied......

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        Kahlani smith 11 months ago

        I caught my bf watching hardcore gay porn, so I'm thinking he's bi. I also caught him trying to have a threesome with a married couple and he asked the wife what would her husband do to him. I'm so sick right now I just had a baby wit him. I have no problem with anyone's sexual orientation but I would like to make my own choice if I want to deal with that

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        Nikki Bonier 12 months ago

        My boyfriend is Homophobic and he secretly calls gay chatlines!

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        Kbb 12 months ago

        I already kind of new MY now ex boyfriend was gay because of the fact that I caught him multiple times trying to find tansexuale escorts on the internet. It's just feels better now reading all of this and seeing that I had the right decision to end the relationship before anything happened to me.

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        Alex Hamham 12 months ago

        I am a gay man and I had suspicious that my boyfriend might be gay too. This article really opened my eyes thanks you so much! :)

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        Jorge Vamos 15 months ago

        Hahaha, yes, I've never heard of a straight guy wanting his girlfriend's hair to be short. Even when she gets one of those pixie cuts or whatever you call them, it's mostly grudging acceptance.

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        dashingscorpio 15 months ago

        8. He suggests you cut your hair! LOL!

        Seriously not many straight men suggest women cut their hair. :)

        With regard to 6) He Isn't That Interested in Sex With You. It could also mean he doesn't believe in having premarital sex for religious reasons.

        Then again he could be (using that) as an excuse to maintain a public appearance of having a girlfriend.

        You just never know. I suppose you can gage by how passionate the wet kisses are and if there's any real effort to fight off the temptation of having sex.