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7 Signs Your Boyfriend Is Secretly Gay: How to Tell If He's Hiding His True Self

Jorge is a bisexual guy who has mentored other LGBT people over the years. He likes to share his experience with others.

Let's be upfront: You probably wouldn't be reading this article if you didn't already have some kind of suspicious feeling that your boyfriend/spouse/whatever might be gay. We're assuming that you're a woman, of course. (If you're a man, and you think your boyfriend might be gay, then . . . uh . . . he probably is.)

The good news is that your boyfriend or husband is likely not gay at all. It's actually pretty common for a woman to question her man's sexuality for reasons that have nothing to do with his preferences, and this could be your situation!

On the other hand, your boyfriend or husband might indeed be gay.

How can you really tell, though? How do you separate the real signs that your boyfriend is gay from the red herrings?

Below I’ll go into details about some false “signs” of same-sex attraction as well as some signs that might actually mean that your boyfriend is into other men. But first, let’s go over some facts about this topic.

You’re Not Alone

Many women are worried that their boyfriends or husbands are gay. According to Everybody Lies: Big Data, New Data, and What the Internet Can Tell Us About Who We Really Are, authored by former Google data scientist Seth Stephens-Davidowitz, search results show that women worry about this even more than if their husband is cheating on them. So you’re not alone in wondering whether you and your boyfriend have been admiring the same view at the beach!

What Is Sexual Orientation? (Or, What Does It Mean to Be Gay?)

A person's orientation is nothing more than the tendency to be physically attracted to males, females, both, or neither. This can be stable over time, or sometimes fluid.1 That’s it, really. There’s nothing else to it. There are lots of stereotypes surrounding gay people, but it really just comes down to the fact that they like the same gender.

Furthermore, though mainstream society tends to paint attraction as something “black and white” and never-changing (i.e. once you are gay, you are always gay; any same-gender attraction means that you’re gay, etc), the reality is that life is just not that simple.

Even having sexual encounters with other men does not necessarily mean a man is gay. In one study, the number of people who had had sexual experiences with people of the same gender were twice as many as the number who considered themselves gay or bisexual.4 Basically, many people experiment, and it doesn’t have to mean anything.

Even having sexual encounters with other men does not necessarily mean a man is gay.

To complicate things further, you can have a mixture of attractions to the same gender, when it comes to both physical and emotional intimacy.1 For example, I’ve met some guys who were both romantically and physically attracted to women, but only physically attracted to men, with no romance involved. It varies. Every individual is a minefield of random quirks and desires.

What does this all mean, though? It means that your boyfriend or husband might have had homosexual thoughts or feelings, or may have even been physically involved with other men, and he still might not consider himself to have a “gay” orientation. Most people don’t consider themselves gay unless the vast majority of emotional and physical attractions they have are towards the same gender.

Stuff Guys Do That Doesn’t Mean They’re Gay

Human desire is not cut and dry. Worse still, there are tons of stereotypes in our culture concerning how gay or straight guys are supposed to act—and of course these don’t apply to all (or even most) people. Here are some things that don’t necessarily mean your man is gay, though you might think so:

  1. He wants to put things in the "back door." Many men enjoy this, even straight men (though few admit it), so it's nothing to be alarmed about. If anything, be flattered that he's comfortable enough to try new things with you. Also, it is a common misconception that all gay men are into this kind of thing or that the act is inherently gay. In fact, a lot of gay guys don't do this at all.5 It's really all about individual preference here.
  2. He wants to get spicy in the bedroom. Again, he might just want to add some excitement to your sex life. This is common, especially if you’ve been together for years.
  3. He has had sex with men. I know, I know! But bear with me here. It’s hard to believe for most people, but getting it on with a man does not necessarily mean that a guy is gay.2 While most straight guys would never have sex with another man, a small percentage will do this for various reasons. For example, it’s usually easier to get anonymous "favors" from other men than from women. In addition, some people have kinks that have to do with same-sex encounters, but they’re not inherently attracted to the same sex.5 That being said, if he’s engaging in physical relationships with other men (or anyone else) without your knowledge, then obviously something is amiss.
  4. Being effeminate or showing interest in his personal appearance. This is just a stereotype basically. Though there might be some nugget of truth in gay stereotypes, they’re still not a good, consistent indicator of someone’s romantic preferences. Being “gay” just means that a guy is attracted mostly to other men. This has nothing to do with appearance, mannerisms, or fashion choices. Western culture unfortunately tends to stereotype gay men as effeminate and image-obsessed, but most of them actually aren’t like that. (Those are just the ones you tend to notice.) Furthermore, I personally know several effeminate straight men. You really can’t know from mannerisms alone.

So those are some reasons that you might think your boyfriend is gay, even if he’s actually not.

Signs He Might Have a Preference for Men

What are the signs that might indicate that your boyfriend might actually have a preference for men? Let's take a look at some of these now.

1. He Doesn't Check Out Other Women

You might think it's great at first when your boyfriend doesn't stare at other women, but this is extremely unusual.

Most men frequently think about sex and unconsciously look at attractive people. It's not even deliberate most of the time—it's just a reflex. If an attractive woman with a rack that she can use as a shelf saunters by in a skimpy outfit and your boyfriend simply yawns and doesn't even seem to notice her, this might be a red flag that he's not into women.

Most gay men will also have had “youthful noticings,” or times in the past when they noticed and were attracted to good-looking men. Straight men never had youthful noticings, or rarely had them.5


2. He Checks Out Other Men

Usually, if a guy is closeted, he won't be obvious about this. Even openly gay men know better than to ogle men in public, considering the negative social consequences.

If you're a guy who is interested in other guys, a tiny "look" is enough. Next time you're with your man, watch for this look if an attractive man walks by. Pay attention to where his eyes are pointed. Did a shirtless guy just walk by, and he quickly raked his eyes up and down the guy's six-pack? Did he steal a look at his crotch?

Another thing to watch out for is eye contact. Just as you might look at a man that you like and there's a brief exchange of energy there between you and him, the same is true for a gay (or bi) guy when he interacts with a man he likes, even briefly. Did he seem to meet eyes with another man and it lasted a little too long?

Men who live in Western countries, like those of North America and Europe, usually won't make prolonged eye contact with other men, unless they're about to fight or about to get it on (or both).

According to Joe Kort, a psychotherapist specializing in gender and sexuality, the beach test is usually a good way to sort this one out. At the beach, are women just in the way while he’s trying to catch a glimpse of other men? This is usually how gay men feel. A man who is bi will look at both men and women, and a straight man won’t even notice the men.5

3) He Is Touchy-Feely With Other Men

If your boyfriend seems a little too eager to cuddle with his buddies, or he is very keen on being naked around them, bathing with them, or doing other potentially intimate activities with them, this is a sign that he might be attracted to men.

Now, it could be that he's just very secure in his masculinity, since there's nothing inherently gay with hugging other guys, but the fact that he has to go against social norms to do this speaks volumes. If he gets turned on during these activities, then of course there’s probably some attraction there.

Guys from Western cultures (like the United States) tend to be particularly physically distanced from other guys, so remember to take your man’s culture into account. Western guys tend to show their affection for each other more with playful wrestling or fighting, if anything.

However, if your boyfriend is from a non-English-speaking culture, especially South Asia, East Asian, or the Middle East, it's actually not that unusual in certain countries for men to embrace, kiss, or even walk down the street holding hands. This doesn't mean he's necessarily gay.

4. He is Homophobic or Acts Uncomfortable Around Gay Men

One of the biggest tell-tale signs that your boyfriend is insecure with his sexuality is if he shows unusual levels of homophobia.5

Most straight men have no problem with gay guys. But if your boyfriend actively hates gay men even if they have never done anything to him and never speak to him, then this is extremely telling. You've probably heard loads of stories about anti-gay preachers who were later discovered to be trolling gay hookup sites.

Many times, a man who hates the fact that he likes other men will take it out on gay people and treat them badly. At the very least, it's not unusual for a guy who is denying his sexuality to fear coming into contact with people who are living with their gayness freely.

Watch him closely next time he is around gay men. Does he act weird?

Homophobia is one of the biggest signs that your boyfriend or husband might be questioning his sexuality.

5. He's Obsessed With Other People's Sexuality

Maybe he's not homophobic, but do his ears perk up when you mention that one of your friends is gay? Does he ask a lot of questions about them? Does he seem interested in how they came out to their parents, or what other people's reactions were?

Similarly, does he bring up people's sexuality a lot? Does he talk about how this or that person at his job turned out to be gay? Does he mention gay family members of his a lot?

He may be interested because he himself is gay or bisexual, but may not know it yet, or simply doesn't know how to express it.

Of course, if he only talks about these things occasionally, he could just be a curious guy. Human beings like to gossip about the sexuality of others. The concern here would be if he has an obsession or preoccupation with gay sexuality—that’s rather unusual for a straight man.

And on the other end of things, some closeted men avoid bringing up gay topics at all for fear of being “found out,” so someone doesn’t need to necessarily exhibit this sign to be gay.

6. He Isn't That Interested in Sex With You

This could mean several things. For one, your boyfriend could be asexual or he might just not be attracted to you anymore for a variety of reasons. People change and so do their tastes. Just because he's ignoring you temporarily or distracted with other things, doesn't necessarily mean he's uninterested you, either.

However, if he never really seemed that into touching you, even in the beginning of your relationship when you're supposed to be in a honeymoon period, then something is probably wrong. This sign by itself doesn't mean he's gay, but coupled with some of the other signs, it can be telling.

Also keep in mind that an absence of this sign doesn't always mean he's not into men, either. In other words, he could be mostly gay, but enjoy sex with women to some extent—or he could be bisexual (but more on that later).

Sex in the relationship might have died down for many other factors as well—including other relationship problems, work schedules, boredom, and so on. In fact, not having enough sex is a common complaint of many women in straight relationships,2 and on its own it probably doesn’t mean he’s gay.

7. His Social Media Contacts Are Suspicious

Let's say you take a look at his Facebook profile and notice that there are lots of different men on there. You also notice that a lot of them seem gay. Maybe you notice that a lot of them aren't mutual friends with you, and in fact you had no idea that he knew these people.

Even worse, if you discover that he has more than one account and has been hiding one from you, this is a definite sign that there's something he isn't telling you. If you notice that his second account has a friends list filled with dozens of strange men, then this is extremely suspicious and you should consider confronting him on this alone.

Finally—and worst of all—if you find out that he has a profile on a gay dating site, then this is a glaring, giant, neon sign.

Obviously, this one seals the deal. No man joins a gay dating app or site "just for laughs." He's looking for another man to get frisky with.

No man joins a gay dating app or site "just for laughs."

How do you find out whether or not he's on a gay dating site, though?

Well, you could make your own fake profile and look for him on there or ask your gay friends if they’ve seen him, but avoid catfishing your boyfriend if you can. The paranoia will drive you crazy. If it’s getting to this point, you might just want to talk to him about what you’ve uncovered so far.

More important than even the gay thing, if you’ve found him on a dating site, he’s looking to hook up with someone else secretly. The fact that it is with a man is secondary. He has breached your trust.

Everyone has different relationship expectations and boundaries, so where you draw the line on what “cheating” is depends on what the two of you have established. The fact is, many men don’t consider having sex with other men as cheating if they’re in heterosexual relationships,5 so they might not feel compelled to say anything about it. It “doesn’t count,” basically. You might feel differently, of course.

You Won't Know Until You Ask

No matter how much research you do, you won’t know for sure until you talk to your boyfriend (assuming he tells the truth). Even most “evidence” of a person’s sexuality can be interpreted many different ways because of cultural biases, so you will need to clear this up with him.

The sooner you just talk to your boyfriend about it, the better. This will help establish the difference between reality and the stories that your mind might have concocted.

He Might Not Be Gay, but He Could Be Bi

Maybe you’ve come to the conclusion that your boyfriend is gay, or at least that he likes men. Here’s what that doesn’t mean:

  • It doesn’t mean you’re right. Again, there’s no way to know for sure the exact specifics of another person’s sexuality. Even that person himself may not know. Chances are, he’s straight, since most men are.
  • It doesn't mean he doesn’t love you.
  • It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t like women. (See below, about bisexual guys.)
  • It doesn’t mean he’s a bad person. There is still a huge stigma against being gay. He might not have the courage to come out or he may even be in denial. It’s possible he didn’t know about his same-sex feelings when he got into a relationship with you.

Bisexual Men: The Silent Minority

Your boyfriend could also be bisexual. Many people dismiss this notion and just assume that any man who likes other men must be gay, but that's simply not true. There are plenty of men who are bisexual. They are just less willing to admit it than women are—for obvious reasons.

If the fact that he's bi doesn't bother you (and he isn't cheating), then there's probably no reason to confront him about it unless you're willing to embarrass him. We all have our random sexual preferences, and you're probably dreaming if you think that those preferences begin and end with you. His being attracted to both men and women is no different than if he was into blondes as well as redheads. As long as he stays true to you, what does it matter?

It doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

Then Again, Maybe He Is Gay

On the other hand, if you did all your research and that little voice inside your head is telling you that he's fully, 100% gay and not interested in you sexually, then it's time to confront him.

Nobody likes living a lie.

Approach him in a non-judgmental way, and you're much more likely to get the truth out of him. Also remember that if he is gay and in a relationship with you (a woman), then it’s no walk in the park for him, either.

He probably wasn’t trying to intentionally deceive you. There are many reasons he might have not told you. Maybe he doesn’t want to hurt you or isn’t ready yet to face the consequences of coming out. Maybe he doesn’t even know for sure whether or not he is gay.

You might be angry, but try to remember that this is someone you care about. If he’s struggling with his sexuality, it’s not really his fault, and he could probably use your support as a friend.

Of course, if you bring it up and he completely denies it, but you continue to see glaring signs, it might be time to rethink the relationship.


  1. Reams, Richard H, Ph.D. “Am I Gay: A Guide for People Questioning Their Sexual Orientation.” 2017. Accessed September 2, 2017.
  2. Brody, Liz. “Is My Husband Gay?” How a New Book Uses Big Data to Unearth Women's Secret Obsessions.” May 10, 2017. Glamour. Accessed September 2, 2017.
  3. Barrie, Zara. “Looks Like A Lot Of Straight Dudes Are Watching Gay Porn, Science Says.” October 12, 2016. Elite Daily. Accessed September 2, 2017.
  4. Franke-Ruta, Garance. “Americans Have No Idea How Few Gay People There Are.” May 31, 2012. The Atlantic. Accessed September 2, 2017.
  5. Weiss, Robert, LCSW, CSAT-S. “Is Your Man Gay, Straight or Bisexual?” December 1, 2014. Psychology Today. Accessed September 2, 2017.

The Signs

Your Conclusions

Leave a Comment

If you suspect that your boyfriend is secretly gay, or have recently discovered that he is, leave a comment below with your story. Maybe it could help someone else.

Questions & Answers

Question: My boyfriend talks on the phone with gay guys late at night, on Facetime. Is he gay?

Answer: It depends. Talking with gay guys doesn't make you necessarily gay. Are they just his friends? Is he getting naked? Too many unknowns here.

Question: My husband watches gay porn instead of having sex with me on a regular basis. I am heartbroken. What do I do?

Answer: There's nothing you can really do if someone is gay. While not everyone who watches gay porn is gay (or even bi), if that's ALL he watches, and he prefers to watch that instead of having sex with you, it's quite telling. He could also be addicted to porn; some hardcore addicts watch videos that don't match their actual orientation simply because it can be more taboo and stimulating. If you suspect he is addicted, see about getting him professional help. Of course, he could also be gay.

Question: My boyfriend has a secret fishing buddy that he only hangs out with when I'm away. He told me he was a "bear" but didn't think I would Google it. He also told me his buddy is a "power bottom." This has been going on since we got together five years ago, but he continuously denies anything is happening. What should I do?

Answer: The first part was starting to sound a bit like Brokeback Mountain, but seriously if he's saying things like, "I'm a bear, and my special buddy is a power bottom," then he's basically telling you, "Hey, I'm bi. Bi!" I've never heard of a straight man ever using that kind of terminology.

As far as what to do, it's up to you. Would you be okay with a partner who is bi? (I'm assuming he is bi since he's with you as well as his "special friend.") More importantly, are you okay being with a guy who is openly sleeping with another person and has all but confessed this right to your face?

Question: If a guy keeps having sex with guys and likes to be embarrassed about it is he gay?

Answer: Okay now, this is an interesting question, because the answer in some circumstances could actually be that no, he might not be gay. Some people (VERY few people) have a fetish where they are humiliated by being "made" to do gay things, but they're not actually attracted to the same sex at all.

The only reason they like doing it is that it embarrasses them (because they are precisely NOT gay), and they find the embarrassment arousing. In this case, the fact that he's not gay is exactly why he would like having gay sex.

Hey, don't look at me. I didn't program the human mind. It can be weird, for sure.

He could also just simply be gay. That's a more likely possibility since this fetish is uncommon.

Question: My boyfriend picks playing video games with other guys over me, is he gay?

Answer: I have no idea if he's gay, but playing video games with other guys instead of hanging out with you does NOT make him automatically gay. It just means he likes video games.

© 2017 Jorge Vamos


H2O on May 05, 2019:

This is amazing how we think our men may be gay. We all have intuition or “gutt” and we should always follow it. Sad but true!

Bizz on May 04, 2019:

Hi my boyfriend is very fond of guys. When we go out he prefer being surrounded by men and even take their numbers in my presence.. He gets uncomfortable around gay guys. One day I saw him flirting with a gay waiter and when I asked him, he just ignored me. Am worried, I really like this guy but could he be gay or Bi?

Nyaisa on April 27, 2019:

My boyfriend just did 8 years in jail and he been out for like 7 months now . i was laying on his chest and he just came out and said babe i have to tell you something you wont get mad and i said what is it ,he gonna say he bisexual .wants i got mad he said he was playing . i really dont noe what to belive.

Emma on April 27, 2019:

So my friend has a bf and I think he is gay after reading this article, but I always kind of thought it.

LJ on April 23, 2019:

My boyfriend barely touches me when we make out. All he does is somewhat fondle my breast..but that’s it. We’ve only been dating 3 months and keep in mind...he’s a virgin. I don’t if it’s just bc he’s not attracted to me or if he’s just nervous bc he doesn’t know what to do exactly...somebody please HELP!!

T on April 23, 2019:

I caught my bf on Grindr and saw messages from him to other guys, where he sent them dick pics ... he still says he’s not gay.. but is he?

Gurmit on March 25, 2019:

Hello wat teressa told abut herself is same wid me going on frm last26yrs i am going mad but der is no solution

Teresa on March 25, 2019:

I really enjoyed this article. It covers quite a bit but I guess every situation can be different. I’m 38 and he’s 49. We have been together for two years. He once was married when he was younger and had maybe a couple of relationships with other women before me. The first year was amazing. The sex is outstanding. Really the best I’ve ever had and I’ve had my share of relationships before. When I first got with him, I knew he was a brony. That’s slang for men that are into my little pony. It’s really not a big deal. His best friend is a guy who used to have a girlfriend. Just this past year, his friend came out as being transgender. Their still friends and that’s cool. I guess my worry started happening last year. We just don’t have sex anymore and we do get along great together for the most part. Every once in a while he will have these moods where he doesn’t want to talk to me and really for no reason. He says I over talk him all the time and I know I have done that before but I’ve really been working on it. We don’t scream or fight each other. It seems like he accuses me out of the blue for the same reason and won’t talk to me. Just recently I asked him if he was attracted to me. He told me he wasn’t sexually. He still won’t open up. It’s really killing me inside. He said it’s because of me and over talking. I’m not over talking. A month ago he was acting so distant and cold, I told him please to go stay with a friend or something. He did stay with his transgender friend over a weekend and he contacted me during that weekend that he really wants to come back home. We both live together and it’s complicated like that. This is my home and I pay for everything since he has been currently unemployed since we got together. He’s really great to my children and they love him too death. I really don’t know much about his past relationships. There was this one time that he asked me if I ever had a threesome before. It’s weird because he really doesn’t open up or talk about sex. I was honest and open with him because I did in fact experimented before. I asked him if he did and he said once with a couple that was a guy and girl couple. Now it makes me wonder, could he had been talking about his guy friend who is currently a girl now? I guess because he won’t talk to me and after recently being told by him that he’s not sexually attracted to me anymore, it’s just heartbreaking. It’s like I’m stuck in this relationship because he really doesn’t have any where to go and with my children involved, it sucks and it’s a mess. If I had gained so much weight or let myself go, or if we scream and argue all the time, then I could understand it. It’s just so confusing.

Jasmine on March 20, 2019:

My boyfriend isn't interested in me sexually at all and I'm not sure if he ever was. The sex always felt disconnected and forced. He is very affectionate with me and loves to cuddle and kiss me constantly. He says he loves me and he loves touching me. Now...here's the part that got my antennas up. He has only one, maybe two close guy friends who are straight and the rest are all gay. I am friends with all his gay friends and they all say he's straight and only brings women around them. They have all talked about his ex girlfriends before me. I can't help but wonder. He spends the most time with his gay friends and he invites me out with them too but it makes me question things since he seems so uninterested in sex with me. He did say that he was once really promiscuous with random women and then felt like he needed an emotional connection instead of focusing on sex so much. He says he has that emotional connection with me. He also says he watches porn and satisfies himself a lot. I honestly can't tell if he's bisexual/gay, watches too much porn or simply isnt attracted to me. He says he's definitely attracted to me but since I'm his first serious relationship he feels more connected to me emotionally than physically. If he is bi sexual, I wish he would just tell me because I wouldn't dump him. I'd still love him anyway. But I gotta know why he won't have sex with me. Also he does follow mostly men on social media. He plays the piano and paints so he follows other piano players and painters but they are all men. He doesn't check out men or women but he definitely talks to men more than women. Maybe because I'm there but he definitely doesn't check out anyone. I haven't seen it once. Any help here?

Chumbaa on March 19, 2019:

My boyfriend first When we have sex his dick dies midway, he is extra clean, he doesn't have a social life, talks about his dad 24/7,his way of talking is too girlish,he wants to do female shit like putting face mask on and he still denies he gay and I swear he is maybe he just doesn't know or he is afraid because most Africans are homophobic... How can I help him we've been together for two months now and something is not right

Love on March 15, 2019:

When I moved my bf in from him living with his female cousin with 3 kids after being together for 2 months. I ended up unpacking his luggage while he was at work. Immediately I noticed a pair of boxers that had a huge perfectly ripped hole in the back..when he arrived from work I began to question him about the boxers. He then told me he sat on something Wich caused a little hole. However he was bored and began to rip it into a even bigger one. I then asked him why didn't he throw them away and all he could say was that I was not supposed to see the boxers...Is that the first sign telling me my bf is gay?

TearBear on March 13, 2019:

So the guy I'm dating now we've been friends for a year and some months now, we recently started to get physical as of this year within my year and some months of knowing him. Before we got physical I found grindr app on his phone and looked at some messages he was sending to other men about giving massages for money and escorting basically. I confronted him about it and he had said that he was in a low dtage in life but I assume that he was hiding the fact that he may be bisexual does this make him gay?

Gaseous Liquid on March 11, 2019:

This article is really unsettling. It reinforces negative male stereotypes & toxic masculinity, and manages to fear-monger at the same time. What the hell man?

Noname on March 11, 2019:

It’s ten months I’m with a guy and we only had sex three times once because he initiated it for the first time and the two other times it’s because I complained , he never touches me he never wants to makeout everything is always about him even when we fight he always has to be right and when I ask what’s wrong he ignores me please explain that to me ....

Rose on March 10, 2019:

My boyfriend gets touchy and “ jokes “ in a gay way with his guy friend , he also rather talk on the phone with this one friend that be in bed with me . Is he gay ?

Elizabeth on March 01, 2019:

Confronting them when they want to deceive you is useless. They will continue to lie. If this is what they have been doing, it is ridiculous to think they will suddenly tell the truth just because you ask. And this thing about them being "confused" is baloney. people know what they like, don,t like, and ARE aware of what they are doing. I am sick of consoling dishonest people with this excuse, THEY made up. TRUTH is the topic here.

Misty on February 22, 2019:

My husband said he would like to try a tranny out before he leaves this world but I have him an awful look, then he said he was playing I feel you meant what you say you just wanted to see my reaction my question is does that mean hes gay or bi

Nylah on February 19, 2019:

My boyfriend has been this way since we started the relationship, he was always really close to his friends, always saying very sexual things back in forth but in joking manner. Calking it "locker room talk". We were in a long distance realtionship for almost a year, we would skype. I remeber one time he was being dry humped by a freind talking to me, but he said it was a joke. Now things have just gotten worse guys kissing him on the neck, guys telling me"jokingly" that they have been with mt boyfriend in a sexual way, guys telling me they are going to suck my boyfriend and etc. Juat really crude things. We use to go in double dates, the guys would ugnore the girls for hours, go to the bathroom with each other. One time someone told me "watch out for your man he is flirting with my boyfreind". He says it is just locker room/kitchen talk. But we barely have sex anymore i am 21 and he is 22. We have been together for two years. It isnt that we dont have the drive. I have talked to him about this multiple times he just freaks out and say that there is nothing he can do about it. But everyday his freind keeps coming up to me, telling me he has a nice blank, that he is gonna take my man, that he wants to suck my boyfreinds blank. People keep grabing him by the waist, slapping his ass, kissing his neck, all in front of me. And he does nothing about it he lets it happen, then says i couldnt do anything about it. It is locker room talk

on February 13, 2019:

My bf said things like I thought about being gay, going to get buff and tats and if woman tries to talk to him he is going to them them he gay, gay drunk friend kissed him on neck while comsuling him, described how another race man dick looked like says degrading things about women but says he is straight he isn’t ugly he don’t need to get it in the butt last time someone called him. F he tried driving his fist through their face, he handsome he can get woman and too many giving it away or selling his he closeted trying to maintaining his reputation, confused or straight?

jebonmoon on February 13, 2019:

I believe my adult male is atomic number 83. we tend to recently visited angular distance. for pleasure. we tend to each set to travel to a nude beach and my adult male couldn't wait. Once we tend to arrived and disrobed our garments .. mind you most of the ppl were gay men. As we tend to were within the water, I looked bent the horizon of the ocean and my adult male was enjoying the views of the gay naked bodies that were walking around showing their non-public areas. My adult male couldn't take his eyes off from the all the gay men. Then we tend to set to travel another location at another day, he was terribly anxious for the arrival. sadly for my adult male this secluded laguna is simply nude on weekends. and he was terribly foiled. My adult male extremely enjoys having conversations with my girlfriends husband/boyfriend .. i might raise my adult male does one suppose my girlfriend husband or adult male is nice trying, simply to urge his reaction and he would say, affirmative he's smart trying. fiverr.com/share/yEb3Z

Lurie on February 10, 2019:

My husband and I have been together for 6yrs and married 2. He has never just been big on touching but always showed he cared. I really start to notice some things these last few years. Because it's getting worst. The only time he touches me is for sex. I'm very attractive and takes care of my body. He claims it just something he grew up with. Not having affection. He questions or asks me about a gay friend that works with me daily. Its starting to make me feel uncomfortable and wonder but when we passe gay men on the street he notices them instantly before me and mentions how much he hates them. He never mention lesbians. Just gay men. One of his friends is married but appear to be on the Down low his self. My husband hates His wife. Like I said I'm just trying to put all this together before I respond. He don't look at me when about to have sex He just lays there with his eyes close. He don't look at me like a man looks at a women. Out of all the men I have been with he is the only that looks at me different or don't touch me. Could you please tell me what's wrong

Help on January 16, 2019:

My family member is dating this girl and he acts tough infront of his friends and other family but being alone with him he act more feminine and flonts around sits and lays like a girl he has gay guys phone numbers and sends and recieves homosexual pitcures and says oh now look what he sent me he is crazy he works out and wears tight pants and shirts and grooms his self up especially his hair and darez anyone too touch it he plays gay music with me all the time and he seems to start setting closet too me all the time and talkes to me as i go into a public restroom as i am using it he has just started too talk to this girl but does not seem to be excited about it he talks about how she lookd and that is it he talked the firdt tome out with her for three hours and then said she does not talk much but keeps talking too her but then when we are alone he gets a little feminine again does this mean he wants to come out s little and should i try to ask him cause i am attracked yo him

Julie on January 07, 2019:

My partner has a 23 year old step son. When watching TV I lay with my head on my partners lap and he has one arm over me and his other hand is holding the stepsons hand and he constantly has the thumb rubbing up and down his stepsons hand. He tells me he is just affectionate with his stepson but I find this uncomfortable. Sex has changed and he doesn't stay erect and tells me that it's because he has either masterbated earlier in the day and it takes a few days for him to be able to get recovered enough to get turned on. He very rarely comes when we do have sex. I love him and he says he loves me but I don't think he is being honest. He is in his early 50s. Am I crazy

Perrine Ang on December 10, 2018:

(Revision because I mistyped your name)

I am a girl, and I have a boyfriend. He's a sensitive guy (which does not tell anything) meaning he cried when there's a bit of touching movie, story, etc.

Other than that.

Surprisingly, it matches almost all of your description above except for the social media one, he took a lot of selfies with quite a lot of filters, does it count?

And how about the touchy thing with other man, he often put his arm around shoulder on a particular guy, giving him soft massages, put his head on the back of his neck, asked this guy to hold his hands because it's cold, borrowed his jacket, and once he smelled this guy body(?), does it confirm that he is gay?

But he said that he is very comfortable with me and he seemed that way because we moved in together, he give me a hickey sometimes not sex because I already said that I will save my virginity until marriage, but don't really show romantic affection in public setting.

And about the homophobic thing, I was quite relieved at first that he don't want to join the outing with gay colleagues, but this article got me thinking. He is always curious about one of the gay guys Instagram comments section and said it was disgusting, and commenting on others on coming out as bi-sexual.

Plus he's always saying that he probably don't want to get married and just to have partner instead, does that count as indication of gayness?

He seems to have this love-hate relationship with this guy, for one thing, although he did the touchy thingy, he chose to spend a lot of time with me than with the guy, however, if he had a perfect encounter, the "seemingly friendly gestures" to this guy showed.

My boyfriend actually told the guy that he pleasure himself if the guy begging for forgiveness in a way that he is being spoiled by the guy, which is a bit odd in every sense.

What makes me hold unto his straight is that the guy that he's flirting is not attractive based on appearance only. And he's not that kind either.

But he's very gentle to me, and I'm his girlfriend..

My friends assured me that he is just that type of straight guy, but somethings off..

What do you think, Mr. Jorge Vamos?

Super Awesome Article!

Perrine on December 10, 2018:

I am a girl, and I have a boyfriend. He's a sensitive guy (which does not tell anything) meaning he cried when there's a bit of touching movie, story, etc.

Other than that.

Surprisingly, it matches almost all of your description above except for the social media one, he took a lot of selfies with quite a lot of filters, does it count?

And how about the touchy thing with other man, he often put his arm around shoulder on a particular guy, giving him soft massages, put his head on the back of his neck, asked this guy to hold his hands because it's cold, borrowed his jacket, and once he smelled this guy body(?), does it confirm that he is gay?

But he said that he is very comfortable with me and he seemed that way because we moved in together, he give me a hickey sometimes not sex because I already said that I will save my virginity until marriage, but don't really show romantic affection in public setting.

And about the homophobic thing, I was quite relieved at first that he don't want to join the outing with gay colleagues, but this article got me thinking. He is always curious about one of the gay guys Instagram comments section and said it was disgusting, and commenting on others on coming out as bi-sexual.

Plus he's always saying that he probably don't want to get married and just to have partner instead, does that count as indication of gayness?

He seems to have this love-hate relationship with this guy, for one thing, although he did the touchy thingy, he chose to spend a lot of time with me than with the guy, however, if he had a perfect encounter, the "seemingly friendly gestures" to this guy showed.

My boyfriend actually told the guy that he pleasure himself if the guy begging for forgiveness in a way that he is being spoiled by the guy, which is a bit odd in every sense.

What makes me hold unto his straight is that the guy that he's flirting is not attractive based on appearance only. And he's not that kind either.

But he's very gentle to me, and I'm his girlfriend..

My friends assured me that he is just that type of straight guy, but somethings off..

What do you think, Mr. Jorge Ramoz?

Super Awesome Article!

Mona on November 27, 2018:

My boyfriend and I have had an issue of sex and the lack of for a while. He goes down on me but he can’t keep an erection so the actual sex is two strokes if that. We argue like two women and he sometimes tries to talk like a woman. Just the thought that I am entertaining the thought is enough. I just need confirmation. Help.

J on November 13, 2018:

Was boyfriend was into guys before he got with me a female he can never keep it up when we do try is it me is it because im not a man...our relationship is falling from the lack of intrest he shows towards me.

david glen watson on November 10, 2018:

im gay. how do i tell my gf???????

Milka on October 24, 2018:

A lot of people are talking about this girl and everyone around her think his boyfriend ir gay.

She is really close to me and I fell I need to tell her or she could end up like Grace and Frankie.

I feel responsible to leave her a hint or something but I can’t be 100% he is in fact gay either.

Any advice on how to tell her?

Jorge Vamos (author) on October 19, 2018:


Honestly, it just sounds like he has a good friend. You can have a close relationship with someone, one that includes emotional intimacy, and not have it be sexual at all.

In our society, the moment two people (be they same-sex or opposite-sex friends) have a deep connection, it's automatically seen as romantic. This is a shame because it keeps us from getting closer to our friends without other people getting suspicious, especially when it's two men. Just because two men love each other and enjoy each other's company, doesn't mean that it's romantic and that it's automatically gay. You can love someone platonically.

Personally, I have several close relationships with other men, and these relationships are usually not sexual or romantic at all.

It sounds like you're just kind of jealous that he has an emotional connection with someone who isn't you. This is fairly common. In fact, I've had a close friend before where his wife was very jealous even though there was nothing like that between he and I.

Maybe your husband is gay or bi, but more than likely he's not (because most people are not). Even if he is, though, there's nothing wrong with him having a close friendship with another guy and being happy to see him. It's probably not sexual. Don't let your jealousy start spinning tales in your mind.

If you find the other guy's presence annoying for other reasons, then of course have a talk with your husband, but be mindful that you are probably feeling possessive, and this will bias you.

Skylar12 on October 19, 2018:

I have been having this gut feeling that my hisband maybe gay or bisexual. For starters, I have never been in such close approximate with homosexuals until him. Of course everyone know gay people. I have hung out with a few of them. But he had two separate sets of homosexual people stay at our house. We supposedly rent out a room for a lesbian lady. One he found. Then he had 2 gay males (couple) stay at our house for 1.5 weeks. He claim he had 2 friends in town visting. And come to find out they were both gay, why couldn't they get a hotel? At that point we had downsize to a 1 bedroom, so they were practically sleeping in my livingroom. He is 30 years old, but is always inviting other men to our house to smoke pot. There is this one guy who have been coming consistently. His only friend at the moment. They work together all day, come home and smoke together for 2-3 hours. At the beginning he used to come home with the guy, smoke from 6pm -9:30 some times 10pm together. Mind you I go to bed at 9:30pm because I get up for work at 5am. This will happen at least 3 days a week, so I wouldn't even see them. I don't allow smoking in the house and I don't smoke. And then the one day we have off together (Saturday) the guy at our house all day playing video and smoking. He cook for the guy, while the guy rave about how good his rice is. It's inappropriately! His demeanor also change when the guy is there. He brag about how, he is so happy to see him etc. And I am standing right there. And when I go to work on Sundays, I come home to this man once again at my house like wtf!

Peace on September 14, 2018:

My byfriend takes a a lot of feminine postures. When he talks he moves his hands more like a ladies do. He never compliments other women, even when i do expecting to hear his opinion. He compliments men instead, the first thing he notices on a guy is wether they are handsome or not and even talks about it with me. Do i have to worry if he is gay or its a normal thing that some men do? Please help

DaNita on August 30, 2018:

Does his social media following have alot to do with it?...in my situation he's dying the opposite uplifting women, does have sex with women but his page shows more. He has openly gay men following him....this 1 guy won't even show his face. Then he has taken some very feminine photos with his head cocked 40° and tongue out gently....that did it

ANNA on August 15, 2018:

My guy will eventually leave me for a guy. I know it. He is into all things gay and acts like a queen. He wants to be treated 'like a princess' and keeps snogging guys. This article is very naive

Hanna on August 15, 2018:

I wasn't sure but seemed I felt there is like a fiber that he is somewhat gay after learning it from her sister that he was then I found out one time when we visited his male friend I saw in his actions that he was so happy meeting him as like a long lost lover..he wants to talk about him and the male friends is somewhat taking advantage I felt he is opportunist he is tells his problem to my spouse and even cry that my spouse is always ready to extend help one time he was telling that he needs money...is my husband gay.

sarah anne on July 10, 2018:

My boyfriend talks to a lot of gay guys... he hangs out with them, and has had many hit on him and tell him how much they like him. He plays video games as well with some gays and straights and they talk very innapropriate... maybe its a gaming thing... but if your gay and like another guy.... then there may be more to it. He claims he’s not gay but yet gets so mad at me if i have gay friends or anything. He is also very feminine. crosses his legs, flips his hair and likes his ass to be spanked hard over and over... ugh im at a loss....

Stephen D Weiss on June 21, 2018:

My g/f won't give any action. She thinks I am gay. How do I tell her otherwise?

Not sure on June 18, 2018:

My fiancé is obsessed win watching male streamers. It’s to the point that he would rather watch them then even talk to me throughout the day. I can’t tell if he has a crush on them or if my conversation is just boring to him. He does have sex with me, and it’s actually really great sex and never has been a problem which is why I’m so confused about it. He also hates gay men and is uncomfortable around gay men which is wierd. We don’t sleep in the same bed either anymore but that’s mostly because I like to stay up all night. He doesn’t like cuddling with me. And he doesn’t want to go on vacations with just me, there has to be other guys he can talk to there. Maybe it is just that my conversation is lacking. But do u think he prefers men’s compang over mine because he’s gay, or just bored.

Kate on May 29, 2018:

I am wondering that my bf might be gay or bi? If he is either one is fine with me because we’re good friends and I will love him no matter what in the end, but don’t string along while you are trying to come to terms with it or figuring it out Not fair to me, right? He’s hardly ever sexual with me, and when he is it’s like he is trying really hard to be... FFS, it sucks because it makes me feel bad that I’m maybe making him do something he does not want to do. Not sure how to approach the subject without hurting, insulting him or making him angry? Maybe I should just walk instead. Got enough on my plate, don’t need to deal with your issues too while you make me feel like less of a woman on top of it all, I think I deserve some honesty...is that selfish?

Emily on May 25, 2018:

My boyfriend watches gay porn, and I mean a lot of it. He’s ashamed of it and is weary of me using his safari, but I know about it- and he knows I know. I asked him to stop watching porn, and today I found tons more in his search history. Not any female-male porn at all. I don’t know what to do

Aidan Becker on May 07, 2018:

My boyfriend jokes about being gay a lot.... He says I'm gay too.... Is he abusive or a homosexual?

DLE on April 29, 2018:

Whenever he sees a gay male couple, he seems obsessed with looking at them. He starts touching his lips and neck. He seems to try not to stare, but, keeps looking over. If we're in a restaurant, he'll turn his chair slightly away from me, and towards their table, so that he can keep looking over at them. I've asked him subtly about this, but, he always denies that he's interested in anyone but me. He used make homophobic comments, but, has finally stopped, due to peer pressure. He always wants to go to male gay movies.

Elaine on April 26, 2018:

Yes because of how he acts around his guy friends,and all ways nice to them more than his wife.and keeping things from me and telling me he forgot are for got,really.thanks

Lori123 on April 16, 2018:

My ex always hated gay men. He was narcissistic and when i was friends with my current boyfriend he always made comments about his blonde hair and blue eye swedish decent and about the light shining out of his swedish ass. He would sit very close to our daughters boyfriend with his leg crossed bouncing it up and down and giggling about something on his cell phone. He got a gift for his friend at works son and told his friend that my daughter has a crush on him, and she never did but i think it was my ex that had a crush on his work friend. His work friend also had blonde hair and blue eyes.

Nono on April 04, 2018:

I have a boyfriend. At the first time, i dont think that he is gay. But after I upload my picture with him in my media sosial, there are some my friend especially boy ask to me "he is normal? ". Since my friend asking about it, i have try to get information. He get study at one of university of UK. Then i get from his media sosial some picture when he get study. He join with one of gay club there. And I look there are so many picture of him and his friend. And at that picture, so many picture he hug with his friend. What do you think ?

It’s A Secret on April 02, 2018:

DUDE what Dee said Five Hours Ago is exactly it. Literally broke up with the guy because he seemed sooo gay, girly overall, he called his mom HUN and got off on taking selfies of himself.... confronted him last night and he’s like I can’t believe you think that way of me, why can’t you deal with the fact i’m Straight? “EVERYBODY IS BI” like uh, i’m Not?

Dee on April 01, 2018:

I've actually confronted my boyfriend about him being gay and he just laughs and says things like "I'm comfortable with myself and I know what I want or I can't believe you actually think that way of me" But something in me just tells me he might be gay. Specially his homophobic side. Confronting him has got me no where. I just know he won't admit it..

Liza Manelli on March 26, 2018:

My bf is totally gay... It's really hard for me to come to terms with it all.. I feel so alone

c2gemineyes on March 24, 2018:

For 5 yrs the guy that was supposed to be my life partner has hooked up other men from craigslist just about every other month. I suspected him to be gay the 1st week. It didnt bother me but the deception did. He still lies about it (& everything else that comes out of his mouth). Im about an 8 on the scale of attractiveness. At least body. He'll actually turn to the side when passing by me if I'm naked in the bathroom so he doesnt touch me. The same way a straight guy might do in the locker room. Hes turned me down a couple of times for sex. One morning he texted a guy after telling me No & told him that he was available b4 work that morning. He actually called into work 1 day in order to go see some guy he contacted from CL that morning. Hes sugar sweet, actually downright sappy with guys and rude & disrespectful to women. So, yes, hes Gay.

Cuddlesbear on March 17, 2018:

Been with my fella for 2 years now and found him on fabswingers taking to men dressed up as woman so i confronted him and he told me he thought they was woman so i forgave him but recently ive found gay pornsites on my history im so confused does this mean he bi ?

Diana on March 10, 2018:

He started out in this 4 year relationship just crazy head over heels in love with me. Spoiled me with his attention then I had life changing event. He’s been right there- not always nice and not always loving! Our intimacy has gone totally out the door. He just wants to cuddle me now and tells me that’s enough. He’s the biggest flirt/charmer at his job. I found on his phone several texts that were very inappropriate for a person in a relationship. The one that has kept me awake and disturbed me the most was from a “drag queen “. They obviously have a relationship going on and a good one. Queen told him what he was going to have done when he got there after work. That explains why he never had any vacation time for our family. I hate lies and I truly hope that he enjoys his gay life- Mr USDA Chicken Inspector

marykayla on March 02, 2018:

i had my suspicions but this article really confirmed it

my boyfriend is definitely gay. i confronted him (nicely) about it and he admitted to me he's been having thoughts about men. he also said thats why we never have sex anymore.

i still love him but i need to leave him wild.

great read, very halpful. thank u

Hng CNN mug on February 18, 2018:

If a man doesn't like homosexual activity around him that does not mean he's gay or homophobic...

Jm on February 05, 2018:

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years. We are both in our younger 20’s and still have sex, but throughout our relationship he has deceived/wronged me on more occasions I can count. At first it was cheating with various girls, but then I went through his email and found he had been using Craigslist and apps to sext prostitues and couples looking for men to join them. He did end up hooking up with a prostitute during a business trip, but I forgave him and he sought counseling. Still with counseling, he is still using Craigslist and sexting pictures of himself. Over time he has seemed less and less interested in me. Last week I went into his phone and saw he had sent a chat in Snapchat saying he was “bi and down to play”. Last night he asked me to have a threesome with another guy. I find this especially odd since I consider him somewhat homophobic. I’m not sure how to confront him and tell him what I saw in this phone, but I am not interested in the same fantasies.

Anita on February 01, 2018:

Sorry, but if he led you on he is a bad person. No matter if it was with another woman or a guy. Bad people lead on other people not good people, obviously... I f he didn't know in the beginning of the relationship he has to tell his girlfriend as soon as he finds out. And if he a husband - he would have to resist the temptation of other women too, so this is the same category.

And, yes, bisexual is gay.

coco on January 24, 2018:

me and my boyfriend have been together two years. I had his phone and was of course going through it cause he talks to many females.... for some reason I felt like he’s been hiding something with this guy. so I went through their text messages and the other guy texted him “I want to try a new position” “I want that d*ck again” I am very bothered and idk what to do I don’t want to believe it

Wondering on January 03, 2018:

My boyfriend and I were close friends for a really long time before dating and during those times he would get really really close with our other guy friends. I just always thought he was joking around and just having fun but now I think he was having a little too much fun. After reading this article just because the title made me think I did as it suggested with his social media accounts and now I’m most positive that he is attracted to men whether it’s that he’s gay or bi but I can’t deny that he does. When ever I bring up gay friends of ours or matters he quickly changes the subject I’m concerned that he doesn’t know what he likes and that even after all this time he won’t let me help him with this. I love him so much but I don’t want to keep him in a relationship that is torturing him what should I do?

Jorge Vamos (author) on December 26, 2017:


You're right to find this kind of weird. Unless he's really, REALLY good friends with this guy, then probably some kind of transaction is going on between them. It is certainly possible he may be having sex with this guy, or is at least stringing the guy along making him think that he's going to get something.

Jorge Vamos (author) on December 26, 2017:


Well, it certainly sounds like he's in denial about something. Usually when people get defensive, there's some shame involved. He might be gay or bi and not want to admit it to himself...but it could also be something else.

Jorge Vamos (author) on December 26, 2017:


Indeed, it sounds like your boyfriend might be bi and he wants to explore that part of himself again. If you don't have a problem with it (seems like the two of you already have no problem engaging with multiple partners), then I wouldn't worry about it too much. Just make sure he knows to always use protection.

janet on December 03, 2017:

my bf lives with a gay man RENT FREE and we all know nothing in life is free. I've asked him about it and he just cusses me out about it. They're not related the man is actually 42 and my bf is 25. what yall think?

Lisa on November 15, 2017:

He has and stronge smell came from his butt befor shower and after shower he always on the toilets don't like to be touch no cuddled no conversation with me only happy around men very loud so people notic him expressly men delete all male callers etc...

MIchelle on October 26, 2017:

He has all the signs and more to it. I always thought he was cheating or gay. But apparently he just might be both.

Dee on October 17, 2017:

My high school boyfriend and I were each other's first, both late bloomers and neglected kids. He had sexual encounters as a youth with a boy neighbor. 32 years later we reconnected. His 19 year marriage to an older frigid woman ended in divorce after we reunited. It's been 5 years and he is very attracted to men who look like him and wants to be with a man. We have sex on overdrive and attend swingers events and parties as exhibitionist. He wants to have sex with every woman there and now men, but hasn't yet. Last night he commented that he would like to be with a man when I next leave for a weekend. I'm thinking he is bi but not sure.

Jorge Vamos (author) on October 13, 2017:

@Susan Oberer,

Do not date this man again. Jesus, this guy did all of this to you--even gave you a disease--and you're still just concerned about the fact that he might be gay?

Since I don't know him personally, there's no way to know if he's really gay. From what you describe, I personally would assume he's neither gay nor straight--plenty of people are somewhere in between. However, as I said, there's no way you or I can know for sure. Only he knows that.

The fact that he was increasingly impotent probably has nothing to do with his sexuality, though. He's an older guy, which means his testosterone levels might have taken a dive. This hormone is essential for his performance. Supplements don't really help this much; only direct administration of testosterone will raise his levels significantly.

Also, he takes nervous system depressants like alcohol on a regular basis. This combo of age and drug abuse will almost certainly make any guy have performance issues.

And more importantly, DON'T DATE THIS GUY. You deserve more than the way that he treated you. If he's addicted to drugs, the drugs will always come first for him. It sounds like he doesn't have every high standards for his life, so why would he have high standards for your relationship?

Having unprotected sex with him (especially in the back entrance, which is more dangerous) is a bad idea as well, especially if you suspect that he's been fooling around. Extra especially if you suspect that he has been fooling around with other men with no protection. Just don't do it.

There are nice men out there who would be happy to be in a committed relationship with you and wouldn't run around doing drugs or two-timing you. Please, PLEASE raise your standards.

Jorge Vamos (author) on October 13, 2017:

Hello, Lola10.

The first issue I see here is that if he made those appointments during your relationship (not before you got together), then he cheated. That's a bigger problem than his being with a trans lady. (Unless you have an open relationship or something.)

To answer your question, though, lots of guys find trans women to be taboo and exciting. Believe it or not, most of those guys are straight. The vast majority, in my experience.

I've known many, many trans women, and most of their boyfriends are straight. I've also known a few trans ladies who were working girls, such as the kind your boyfriend might have visited, and most of their customers are straight men.

If you think about it, it kind of makes sense: Gay guys are interested in men, not women. It's uncommon, in my experience, for a gay guy to be attracted to any kind of woman, transsexual or otherwise. (Though it does occasionally happen.) So most guys who are into trans women are straight, and some might be bi.

Like you said, it is sometimes true that a closeted gay guy might try to experiment at first with a trans woman if he's in denial. However, if he really is gay and only interested in men, he probably wouldn't do this multiple times. Being with a trans woman is a very different experience from being with a man, and most gay men would not find it too exciting.

Charlotte on October 01, 2017:

i knew only when he became friends with a gay friend of mine, after i asked him i had a gut instict, he was then sex became un easy then he asked to marry me ... i knew then he told me the first person he thought he was gay.... im not judgmental at all but, it hurt like hell, it was stillcheating and id feel the same if he cheated with a woman

Liz Reeve on September 30, 2017:

My now ex boyfriend spent 6 years before being with me having sex with men and had an on\off relationship with a man for two years and two weeks before our first date had msde future plans with this man to be together out openly and was going to introduce him to his family and kids. But i guess got scared of reality and we ended up together almost 5 years. The reason we aren't together is he had numerous affairs and my gut says that they all weren't just with women. But he still days hes straight. Hes 40 years old 3 kids 3 different mommas and never bern married. I was to blind to see all his red flags.

Susan Oberer on September 26, 2017:

Please I need opinions because of my feelings I can't see clearly.


I have been with my man for almost 3 years. The first time we decided to have sex he apologized to me due to his inability to get and maintain an erection. I just figured first time performance issues. We moved in together soon after and not only did this issue continue but the frequency of attempts at having sex diminished greatly. He continued to have erection problems all the time. He was affectionate at times. He was getting high and we figured his impotence was due to that. Then the drinking became prevalent and the impotency became a huge problem. It was very frustrating in the bedroom trying over and over with no results. He was at least providing oral sex to me until he matter of factly stated one night while in bed as he was performing oral sex on me that he didn't like it at all. Up until this point I just chalked it up to the drinking and drugs. He had also gone to the doctor to get help. He received a prescription for Cialis which I was more than happy to purchase. He also tried using some testosterone supplements to help. He said he would try it but when I would suggest that we finally try it out, he would drink to, I believe to prevent its effectiveness.

I have to backtrack a bit, in the beginning he was not at all embarrassed by showing off his body in all its glory to me. We are both in our 50's. He is very fit and I had just lost 70 lbs but still insecure about my body and being my first relationship in over 10 years, it was reasonable. Well, as I said he loved prancing around showing off. However I started to become concerned when as he was showing off he would be admiring himself in the mirror and then turn his back to the mirror, spread open his butt cheeks and say so proudly what a gorgeous asshole he had. He did this almost daily. I became concerned and thoughts started to swirl around in my head with ideas that I didn't want to believe. Not too long after that he told me about sexual encounters that he had had with a gay male neighbor when he was about 19. He said that this guy offered $50 to the guys in the neighborhood that would allow him to perform oral sex on them. My boyfriend stated that he partook in this activity quite a few times. He said that it was strictly for the money. At this point we had been together for about a year and I loved him so much that I really was mixed up about what to think but I wasn't willing to let our relationship fail because of something that happened so long ago, but his behavior was very disconcerting to me. He also told me that whenever he had had a relationship with a woman, that the woman would support him exclusively. He didn't work. So now the word gigolo came to mind. I started to think about everything he had said, his previous experiences, his unusual admiration for his asshole, his inability to get an erection, living off of women and his yearly HIV testing and wondered if my partner was gay or bisexual. He has a daughter that is gay and when she told him he became very aggressive and enraged that he cut off all contact. It has been over 15 years since he saw or spoke to her. As time went on this situation of no intimacy led to many fights and my feelings became much stronger towards what I believed his sexual preferences were.

I am still very much in love with him. I don't know what to think. I can't broach the subject with him for fear of aggression towards me.

He tells me that he loves me then the next he hates me. He says I am the reason his life is screwed up, that is the addict talking. Unfortunately at a point when things were extremely bad between us just about three months ago we had a very bad fight and he went on a binge. I wouldn't allow him back in our home unless he got treatment. He choose to go to the city and get high but this time on heroin. He ended up at some unknown females apartment. He told me that he was so high that he collapsed in her shower and that she assisted him in getting out. He stayed with her for days unbeknownst to me. I asked if had sex with her and he said no. At this time I was out of state because of a family emergency but he and I were talking and he wanted to come home and I said okay with conditions that he agreed to. When I went to pick him up in the city he was so high and his nose was covered in scabs from snorting heroin. I asked if he had sex with her but he insisted no. I replied how the heck would you know if you were so high. I decided that I couldn't deal with his addiction any longer and basically we lived as roommates. My nephew recently died from an overdose and I went to stay with my sister at that time but he was calling and texting me to come home asap. He was going to be leaving and we were going our separate ways until he finished with long term rehab. On my way home he texted me that he had a surprise waiting for me. The surprise was that he wanted to make love to me and that he wanted my ass. At this point I didn't care because this would be the first time that he could maintain an erection and hopefully please me. It was good but very awkward. It seemed like I was with someone who was very inexperienced or maybe a first timer. It didn't take long for him to request to perform anal and I was willing. That is when I saw and felt a different person emerge. He was no longer the inexperienced person that had just been inside of me. I didn't say much and for the first time ever I couldn't wait for it to be over. I was so not in to him. He is back in rehab and this one seems to be working. He did call me one day asking if I had anything to confess to him maybe about being with someone else because he was having an issue. This prompted me to go to the doctor to get tested for an STD and thanks to him having sex with that skank he left me with a lifetime gift. He broke it off with me the same day I called to tell him that my dad had died. I have had very limited contact with him. Some letters to him nothing more. No visits he says he doesn't want to see me. Then last night I see a text that was extremely weird from him late at night saying he wants to see me and he misses me. I am not responding for many reasons but the biggest one that is foremost is his sexual preferences and the transmission of the STD. I believe in for better or worse and I have had plenty of worse. I can live with most of what has happened except if he is gay. Please read this and let me know what you think. Am I being suspicious for no reason or are his actions something I should be concerned about and move on?

Lola10 on September 23, 2017:

I recently found out my boyfriend has had a few encounters with Transexuals...... it's hard to find articles on this but when I confronted him obviously he blatantly denied it all, until I provided the evidence of what I had found, he then said it was Tabu thing. .... that normal porn got boring so he turned to this.... but I mean it's one thing to watch transexual porn but it's a massive thing to make the conscious decision to make appointments with transexual prostitute ladies ..... thoughts???? all his mates are real blokey blokes who have no time for gay guys so I can understand him being closet gay, and I could also understand that possibly being with a transexual would be kind of easier for him because she is a women, kind of?? So the imagery of it was normal for him and that made it feel ok. ??? I've no idea ☹️ Help

Nicci on September 09, 2017:

Just split with guy who for the past 4 1/2 years has been lying to me about his sexuality. To begin with we had sex few times then it got less often. By 6 months in I knew something was wrong and blamed myself. Thought I was too fat too old etc.. made extra effort and tried hard to get things on time track. But it carried on no sex no touching and no kisses. We were away on holiday and he was sound asleep, being very cagey about his phone, I decided to go through it. Never get opportunity like this I thought. And there it was, he was on several gay/bi hook up sites. I copied the name he used and saved. The night before we left he was with another guy. He had been posting on different sites for over 2 yr. I was totally and utterly devastated. Thank god there was only a day left and the journey home was not easy. Had to stop myself crying and trying to act normal. Home, he dropped me off and the moment he left i fell apart.

So I made my profiles, went on my mission to get solid evidence that couldn't be denied. And I got this, in the form of pictures of his face and dick on one shot. Many dick pics and his address. He gave me everything I needed and all the details of dogging,times places, often invited me and to his home. I eventually with everything I had on him confronted him. Plus I had catfish couple of guy on sites and one knew him and was besides himself. I knew 150% what the truth was. I walked away, hurt and devastated, by this time lost 4 stone from the stress and lies. I felt broken and almost suicidal if honest, was few other things he put in place to distract me, like I believed that he may die. Asking me if so please arrange things.. collecting my belongings he threw a curve ball. He promised me that if he moved in with me (I was moving to new place) he would give me 100% commitment and leave it all behind, besides it was only fantasy... I have to this day never had any explanation or apologies. Moved in with new hope and optimism in my heart. The 1st day of our new life I could see in his face what he had been doing night before. Bit hurt I thought leave it there. So new life.... no sex no love no cuddles no kisses and a shed load of rejection. Talked to him many times. Cried myself to sleep many times. He would come to bed just before I had to get up before work. Rarely did we go to bed at same time. I was hurting and frustrated with all this. Started sleeping on sofa because wasn't going to give him space to do his nasty thing. I started to resent and kind of gay things on TV and would make me angry. 6 times we had sex in 2 yr. Mostly wam bam 30 second job. After 2yr of living together, I finally broke and after finding on my tablet he'd search for hook ups, feeling pretty crappie and unbelievable amount of hurt I toohingsablethrew him out. Now he wants me to apologise for this feel sorry for him. Yet he wants me but wants his seedy life to !! No way. It didn't have to be this way, many many times I told him that I will support him, be there blah blah.. all I need was his honesty. Short of busting that wardrobe door off with a pick axe laying a red carpet and fanfare nothing more I could have done. The wiff of mothballs follow him. It's the lies deception and how dirty his secret became. The utter rejection I felt and the emotional tournament I'might still going through. There's help out there for men to come out, where is the help for women who have been through this ??

Angie on September 08, 2017:

I recently found out that my boyfriend was video skyping with women and men for virtual sex. Our sexual life was not really working very well due to some bad experiences with his ex girlfriends ...or at least that is what he told me...the fact that he was doing this with women as to be able to receive from them a certain confirmation that he is attractive or he can still turn on somebody i can understand it ....but the part with the men is what scares me the most...i asked him if he is attracted or if he is bi, he deny it he said he is into women but when he was online and there was no girl to approach he did it with a men but not because he was attracted ....he said he doesn't know hoe to explain me....and i don't know what to belive or understand. He is a very quiet person and ver introverted, he doesn't have friends or any interest in making. What should i belive?

Chezym on August 20, 2017:

I have a crush on a guy

my brother and I met a few months ago. My brother is gay. The only thing is that whenever I text or call him he takes hours, days, or just will not care to respond. Also, if i ask him to hangout he will decline.

I thought at first maybe he is just playing hard to get, because he eventually does end up getting in touch with me. I told him up front that I liked him, and asked him straight up if he was gay.

He laughed and said no.

However, if my brother texts him he almost always answers back right away, and if my brother asks him to hang out, he will usually come out with both of us and a few other friends . what is going on with this guy?

It's driving me crazy! and I'm not bad


Claire on August 18, 2017:

Iv been with my boyfriend nearly 4 years and we have a nearly 2 year old child together.

We don't have sex unless he's drunk or hi

He watches shemale and gay porn

And has a lot of shemale friends on social media.

He says he's not gay but is interested in a 3some with me and a shemale.

He tells me to talk dirty about gay sex involving him ?

So confused and heartbroken?

Jorge Vamos (author) on August 14, 2017:


Tough situation. You know him better than anyone here does, so you are in the best position to judge this.

I will say this, though: Many guys of our generation live in a fantasy world. We grew up getting our jollies off videos on the Internet instead of real sex. For a small percentage of guys, this severely alters their ability to have a real-life physical relationship. The hyper-stimulation of what they see at the strip club or online makes actual sex with a normal person seem boring by comparison.

The fact that he watches girl-on-girl stuff makes me think that he's not necessarily gay, since the vast majority of gay guys are not interested in this type of material. However, the fact that he "maybe" kissed a guy seems...not straight. Maybe he's bi. Maybe he's not anything in particular.

But gay stuff aside, the fact that he goes to the strip club every day is troubling.

Unless he's going there just to hang out with friends or whatever, spending money on sexual stimulation *every day* like that (when you can just get it for free online or with a partner) might point to a sexual addiction. That's the bigger issue here, I think.

Sarah on August 09, 2017:

I'm not sure if he's gay but I think he is. He uses my tweezers and snaps his fingers in a playful way saying oh no boo boo.. He talks with a lot of guys and touches his self a lot while looking at other men in public. Scary..! I've asked him before if he's gay pretty much he brush it off. I've asked him why he keep touching his self looking at other men he tells me I'm making it out what to what I want. Which is far from the truth. When you're with someone for years or even months, you noctice a lot things. Such as, how he treats you and talk to you and just things he use to do. Can someone please tell me if you've had an similar experience and if your mate actually turned out to be gay

kristen yaba on July 25, 2017:

my boyfriend likes to sleep next to his friends and talking about penis and lastly he smiles when one of his friends put their hand around his shoulder

Rene on July 18, 2017:

I'm 38yrs old an have been with other guys but this one seems like he doesn't want to touch me as much as all the others? He has nothing but naked we on on his screen saver an talks about how he likes the look of we on but I really can't understand why he doesn't seem to want to touch me even for a slight coress? I'm


Nikki Watts on July 18, 2017:

I think my boyfriend is gay...he insist on having anal sex; he called gay chatlines; and he is extremely homophobic. I confronted him but he denies it, and I have no proof of him being sexually with men. I know the truth..but I need evidence to leave!

Cupcake on July 18, 2017:

Well, After going through his phone and reading text messages I realized that him and his home boy (male friend) exchanged selfies....random pics. That's not a buggy because it was nasty pics and nasty tact talk. The problem is why are two home boys exchanging pics when they work together everyday. It just seem like a more feminine thing to do. There have been times we were out late and he said it was his home boy calling him. Really?! Why the he@% is a guy calling another guy late and he's with his lady? It happened to on my bday when we were out late at a party. At least twice I seeen him step away to take his call saying it's his friend. I'm thinking ugh....why are you even answering. Then again it could've been a female and he just lied. 3rd, we don't sex anymore. I'm the one asking for it not him and he has never came while inside. He can only achieve this if he jac%s off. He's always around a lot of his buddies who work with him. The desire to go out and fornicate with me has diminished. I'm the aggressor when it comes to that. 1-2 a month is freaking insane. He's always tired, busy or another time. We argue like hel%! I don't understand how the people he complain about so much are the same person/people who he is always with. ??? Now I've noticed his male friend staying at the house. His brother stays there too and they have the same friends so that can always be the excuse....it's just their friend who works with them.

I asked my bf does he stay there now and he replied with an attitude @whi stays with you!?" Wth kind of a response is that?!!? A simple question.

He has mentioned that's i can do "anything" to him. Hmmm?

I just broke up with a guy several months ago because I had a strong suspension that he was gay i brush off rumors of him being gay bcuz he explained that he was staying with a gay friend or family me on July 14, 2017:

just broke up with a guy several months ago because I had a strong suspension that he was gay i brush off rumors of him being gay bcuz he explained that he was staying with a gay friend or family member until he got his own place and that's how the rumors started swirling around but as the relationship progressed i noticed he did not want to have sex at all we only had sex maybe 5times in a year and he has a very private relationship with a gay guy he calls his best friend but then he turnsaround and act homophobic and one of my gay friends use to be friends with him and i asked him about my boyfriend and he called him gay he confirmed that he was hanging with a gay click and acting gay at one point

Michelle on July 13, 2017:

What if he was cheating with girls that look like dudes and have those masculine characteristics? I use to think he was cheating or gay. Now that we confirmed he was cheating I can't help to think why? I mean at least if it was for a hotter chick that could make a little sense. I mean he shows sexual desire when he takes a pill. Aside from that he tries everything to get out of doing anything with me. I'm am frustrated and I think he knows this so he makes excuses. He'd rather spend hours and hours with guys or watching fights on YouTube. My self esteem has dropped so low and feel I just tolerate it just to not be alone. It's not that I can't get guys it's just I'm reaching forty and don't really want to go on the quest on finding a soulmate

Heartbroken on July 13, 2017:

Just last night after work, his phone was ringing so I answered, when i hung it up he had 3 Notification messages from an app called Jack'd. when I checked out the app it said, a gay chat room...I'm sick & he hasn't spoken to me..while he was on his phone I went to the bathroom & I was looking up the App. I was shaking I thought it was going to be a dating site did I say I was shaking just as I'm putting in his email address, he text me asking if he hopes I'm happy with what I found. I went right to him and asked him "what the hell is Jack'd"...he immediately scrolled though his phone trying to show me that he didn't have the app. I know what I saw. But I didn't say one word except "I know what I saw"...since than no words from him. No nothing...now I'm here...#4 and this phrase "Finally--and worst of all--if you find out that he has a profile on a gay dating site, then this is a glaring, giant, neon sign."....

I'm devastated. I have loved him for 3 years & 2 months and now this...

I don't know what to do...I love him so much

Jules67 on July 13, 2017:

I believe my husband married me to cover his sexuality, i feel doomed, we've been married 3 months n had sex 4 times n then it's just wam bam

Nick on June 27, 2017:

Just one tiny detail, us bisexuals are twice as many as gays.

And I agree, if I'm dating a woman is because I'm interested in a long relationship with her, just like I'm attracted to blond women I'm attracted to tall men, or adorkable women. But knowing that your SO is ok with your taste and preferences is really cool and makes a guy fall in love with someone!!

Nikki Bonier on May 18, 2017:

My boyfriend is Homophobic and he secretly calls gay chatlines!

Kbb on May 18, 2017:

I already kind of new MY now ex boyfriend was gay because of the fact that I caught him multiple times trying to find tansexuale escorts on the internet. It's just feels better now reading all of this and seeing that I had the right decision to end the relationship before anything happened to me.

Alex Hamham on April 29, 2017:

I am a gay man and I had suspicious that my boyfriend might be gay too. This article really opened my eyes thanks you so much! :)

Jorge Vamos (author) on February 04, 2017:

Hahaha, yes, I've never heard of a straight guy wanting his girlfriend's hair to be short. Even when she gets one of those pixie cuts or whatever you call them, it's mostly grudging acceptance.

dashingscorpio from Chicago on February 04, 2017:

8. He suggests you cut your hair! LOL!

Seriously not many straight men suggest women cut their hair. :)

With regard to 6) He Isn't That Interested in Sex With You. It could also mean he doesn't believe in having premarital sex for religious reasons.

Then again he could be (using that) as an excuse to maintain a public appearance of having a girlfriend.

You just never know. I suppose you can gage by how passionate the wet kisses are and if there's any real effort to fight off the temptation of having sex.

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