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7 Signs Your Boyfriend is Secretly Gay: How to Tell If He's Hiding His True Self

Updated on February 3, 2017
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While not 100% gay himself, Jorge knows the signs. He has watched many men "turn to the other side," even after being married to women.

Strong Suspicions

Let's be upfront: You probably wouldn't be reading this article if you didn't already have some kind of suspicious feeling that your boyfriend / spouse / whatever might be gay. We're assuming that you're a woman, of course. (If you're a man, and you think your boyfriend might be gay, then...uh...he probably is.)

If you're already to the point where you're suspicious enough to be researching signs that your boyfriend is gay on the Internet, then there's a pretty good chance it might be true. However, "feelings" and "inklings" are not enough. Your instinct will never be 100% right in every situation, so take a look at the signs below and think it over a little more before you confront him about it.

1) He Doesn't Check Out Other Women

You might think it's great at first when your boyfriend doesn't stare at other women, but this is extremely unusual.

Because of our higher testosterone levels, most men frequently think about sex and unconsciously look at attractive people. It's not even deliberate most of the time--it's just a reflex. If an attractive woman with a rack that she can use as a shelf saunters by in a skimpy outfit and your boyfriend simply yawns and doesn't even seem to notice her, this is a red flag that he's not into women.

Granted, some guys are asexual and just don't notice anybody, but men without sexual desire are an extreme minority.

The straightest dance in the world.
The straightest dance in the world.

2) ...Instead, He Checks Out Other Men

Usually, if a guy is closeted, he won't be obvious about this. Even openly gay men know better than to ogle men in public, considering the negative social consequences.

If you're a guy who is interested in other guys, a tiny "look" is enough. Next time you're with your man, watch for this look if an attractive man walks by. Pay attention to where his eyes are pointed. Did a shirtless guy just walk by, and he quickly raked his eyes up and down the guy's six-pack? Did he steal a look at his crotch?

Another thing to watch out for is eye contact. Just as you might look at a man that you like and there's a brief exchange of energy there between you and him, the same is true for a gay (or bi) guy when he interacts with a man he likes, even briefly. Did he seem to meet eyes with another man and it lasted a little too long?

Men who live in Western countries, like those of North American and Europe, usually won't make prolonged eye contact with other men, unless they're about to fight or about to get it on (or both).

Is this what your boyfriend would rather be doing?
Is this what your boyfriend would rather be doing?

3) He is Touchy-Feely With Other Men

Again, in modern Western society, men aren't very physically affectionate with other men because it could make them look gay. If your boyfriend seems a little too eager to cuddle with his buddies, or he is very keen on wrestling with them, bathing with them, or other potentially intimate activities, this is a sign that he might be attracted to men.

Now, it could be that he's just very secure in his masculinity, since there's nothing inherently gay with hugging other guys, but the fact that he has to go against social norms to do this speaks volumes.

On the other hand, if your boyfriend is from a non-English-speaking culture, especially South Asia, East Asian, or the Middle East, it's actually not that unusual in certain countries for men to embrace, kiss, or even walk down the street holding hands. This doesn't mean he's necessarily gay.

4) He is Homophobic or Acts Uncomfortable Around Gay Men

One of the BIGGEST tell-tale signs that your boyfriend is insecure with his sexuality is if he shows unusual levels of homophobia.

Most straight men have no problem with gay guys--unless a gay guy tries to cross any boundaries, obviously. But if your boyfriend actively hates gay men even if they have never done anything to him and never speak to him, then this is extremely telling. You've probably heard loads of stories about anti-gay preachers who were later discovered to be trolling gay hookup sites.

Many times, a man who hates the fact that he likes other men will take it out on gay people and treat them badly. At the very least, it's not unusual for a guy who is denying his sexuality to fear coming into contact with people who are living with their gayness freely.

Watch him closely next time he is around gay men. Does he act weird?

Does your man get angry about gay people?
Does your man get angry about gay people?

5) He's Obsessed With Other People's Sexuality

Maybe he's not homophobic, but do his ears perk up when you mention that one of your friends is gay? Does he ask a lot of questions about them? Does he seem interested in how they came out to their parents, or what other people's reactions were?

Similarly, does he bring up people's sexuality a lot? Does he talk about how this or that person at his job turned out to be gay? Does he mention gay family members of his a lot?

He may be interested because he himself is gay or bisexual, but may not know it yet, or simply doesn't know how to express it.

6) He Isn't That Interested in Sex With You

This could mean several things. For one, your boyfriend could be asexual or he might just not be attracted to you anymore for a variety of reasons. People change and so do their tastes.

However, if he never really seemed that into touching you, even in the beginning of your relationship when you're supposed to be in a honeymoon period, then something is probably wrong. This sign by itself doesn't mean he's gay, but coupled with some of the other signs, it can be telling.

Also keep in mind that an absence of this sign doesn't always mean he's not into men, either. In other words, he could be mostly gay, but enjoy sex with women to some extent--or he could be bisexual (but more on that later).

7) His Social Media Contacts Are Suspicious

Let's say you take a look at his Facebook profile and notice that there's lots of different men on there. You also notice that a lot of them seem gay. Maybe you notice that a lot of them aren't mutual friends with you, and in fact you had no idea that he knew these people.

Even worse, if you discover that he has more than one account and has been hiding one from you, this is a definite sign that there's something he isn't telling you. If you notice that his second account has a friends list filled with dozens of strange men, then this is extremely suspicious and you should consider confronting him on this alone. It's a sign that he might not only be gay, but that he's cheating with another man.

Finally--and worst of all--if you find out that he has a profile on a gay dating site, then this is a glaring, giant, neon sign.

Obviously, this one seals the deal. No man joins a gay dating app or site "just for laughs." He's looking for another man to get frisky with.

More importantly, he's looking to cheat, so don't let the fact that he turned out to be gay erase this fact. He was being dishonest with you, so maybe it's time to break up.

How do you find out whether or not he's on a gay dating site, though?

Well, this is where you recruit your gay and bisexual friends. They should be well familiar with the men hooking up in your area, especially if you live in a small town. Show them a picture of your boyfriend and ask them if they've seen him.

Alternatively, you could also make your own fake profile and try to find him on there. Beware of the rampant dick pics, though. Men usually don't dwell on small talk when they're trying to hook up.

But Maybe He's Not Gay

Finally, you may have looked at all the signs, spied on him, confronted him, and found out that he actually does indeed like men. This doesn't mean he's gay, though.

Wait, what?

Bisexual Men: The Silent Minority

Your boyfriend might be bisexual. Many people dismiss this notion and just assume that any man who likes other men must be gay, but that's simply not true. There are plenty of men who are bisexual, they are just less willing to admit it than women are--for obvious reasons.

If the fact that he's bi doesn't bother you (and he isn't cheating), then there's probably no reason to confront him about it unless you're willing to embarrass him. We all have our random sexual preferences, and you're probably dreaming if you think that those preferences begin and end with you. His being bisexual is no different than if he was into blondes as well as redheads. As long as he stays true to you, what does it matter?

Then Again, Maybe He is Gay

On the other hand, if you did all your research and that little voice inside your head is telling you that he's fully, 100% gay and not interested in you sexually, then it's time to confront him.

Nobody likes living a lie. It isn't fair for him to use you in order to keep up appearances.

Approach him in a non-judgmental way, and you're much more likely to get the truth out of him. If he denies it, but you continue to see glaring signs, it might be time to rethink the relationship.

The Signs

Does Your Boyfriend Show Any of the Above Signs of Being Secretly Gay?

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Your Conclusions

After Reading This Article, Do You Think Your Boyfriend Might Be Gay?

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Leave a Comment

If you suspect that your boyfriend is secretly gay, or have recently discovered that he is, leave a comment below with your story. Maybe it could help someone else.

© 2017 thehands


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    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 4 months ago

      8. He suggests you cut your hair! LOL!

      Seriously not many straight men suggest women cut their hair. :)

      With regard to 6) He Isn't That Interested in Sex With You. It could also mean he doesn't believe in having premarital sex for religious reasons.

      Then again he could be (using that) as an excuse to maintain a public appearance of having a girlfriend.

      You just never know. I suppose you can gage by how passionate the wet kisses are and if there's any real effort to fight off the temptation of having sex.

    • thehands profile image

      thehands 4 months ago

      Hahaha, yes, I've never heard of a straight guy wanting his girlfriend's hair to be short. Even when she gets one of those pixie cuts or whatever you call them, it's mostly grudging acceptance.

    • profile image

      Alex Hamham 7 weeks ago

      I am a gay man and I had suspicious that my boyfriend might be gay too. This article really opened my eyes thanks you so much! :)

    • profile image

      Kbb 5 weeks ago

      I already kind of new MY now ex boyfriend was gay because of the fact that I caught him multiple times trying to find tansexuale escorts on the internet. It's just feels better now reading all of this and seeing that I had the right decision to end the relationship before anything happened to me.

    • profile image

      Nikki Bonier 4 weeks ago

      My boyfriend is Homophobic and he secretly calls gay chatlines!

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