After years in the LGBT community, Jorge knows a few things about being gay or bi. Or maybe he just likes to pretend that he does.
How to Get a Straight Guy Interested: Is It Even Worth It?
Most guys in the world are straight. If you like men, it's only a matter of time until you're going to find a straight one attractive; they're all over the place.
Under most circumstances, this doesn't have to be a big deal. You see a guy you like, you realize quickly enough that he's straight, and you move on.
Some of us might not want to give up so easily, however. Though it's probably not the best idea, some people let their feelings take over, and they become infatuated with a specific straight guy. Others have a strange attraction exclusively to straight guys, which makes dating other gay and bi guys difficult.
So you may be asking yourself: How do you make a straight guy gay? Can you get a straight guy to be more flexible with his preferences?
Even if you could, would it be worth it? Wouldn't it just lead to tons of drama?
There are no easy answers to this. Some might be tempted to dismiss the possibility of heteroflexibility and tell you to leave the straight guy alone—but a lot of people's orientations are more complicated than just a "straight or gay" dynamic.
That's what we'll explore in this article.
How to Tell If a Guy Is Bisexual
The first question you should probably ask yourself is this: Could the guy you like actually be bi? As you might imagine, it's much easier to get a "straight" guy to like you if he's not straight at all!
Lots of us make assumptions about people's orientations. If he's dated girls before, you might assume he's straight without even thinking of the possibility that he could be open to getting it on with guys as well. You may not even have any idea about his romantic life, but assumed he doesn't like men because he "acts straight."
Think back to the evidence you have about his preferences. Did you make automatic assumptions like these with no real evidence? If so, then for all you know, he could be bi or even gay!
Though the only way to know for sure if a guy is bi or bi-curious is by asking him, there are some vague signs that you can look for to clue you in early on.
Signs That He's Bi or Bi-Curious
- He hangs out with men who you know are gay or bi.
- He has mentioned before that he is sexually adventurous and willing to try new things. (Hint, hint.)
- He has asked you to take him to a gay club. (Lots of straight people are interested in going to gay clubs, though, so this is relatively minor.)
- He asks you detailed questions about what gay guys do to hook up, where they go, and so on.
- He asks odd questions like whether it's gay to do X, Y, or Z things with a guy, or whether it's gay if you only do it once, and so on.
- He tells you stories about hookups that he's had with men in the past. If he's telling you this, there's a good chance that he wants a repeat—and probably with you.
- You notice that he has a profile on gay hookup websites or apps. This one is pretty obvious.
- He brings up the subject of your being gay a lot.
- He frequently goes out of his way to deny that he's gay. If this is the case, you may want to steer clear anyway. He may be in denial, and he could get violent if you make a move.
Coming Right Out With It
Finally, you can just ask him. This is the only way to know for sure, but unfortunately you might have to beat around the bush to work it out of him. Many bisexual guys will automatically deny that they like guys if you ask, almost as a reflex. You have to first show that you're cool with him and that you're not going to be judgmental of his orientation.
You might wonder why he might be worried about judgment coming from a gay guy, but it definitely exists. Lots of people deny the existence of bisexual men and insist that they're just secretly gay and in denial. Gay men in particular are guilty of this. If he thinks that you're going to just roll your eyes and make assumptions about him, or try to push him to be "more gay," then he'll insist that he's straight.
Another problem is indiscretion. He might be totally fine having sex with closeted men, but could understandably be turned off by very "out" gay men. He might assume that if you're out and obvious about your gayness, that you will think nothing of telling the world about his preferences, too.
Some people might say that it's immature for him to have this attitude and that he should just be proud of who he is, but that's exactly the problem: people might misunderstand him. When a bisexual man is outed, usually several annoying things happen.
Assumptions People Make About Bi Men
- People assume that they're gay, even though it's not true. Both straight and gay people will do this.
- People assume that since they're "gay," they're going to exhibit all of the gay stereotypes. Again, both straight and gay people will make these assumptions.
- Now that they're "gay" and a living stereotype, people will treat them differently.
This doesn't mean that he's necessarily justified in being closeted, but you can at least understand why he would be hesitant to be open about his bisexuality to someone who he thinks will spread it around. He will instantly be treated differently by people because of the stigma, and he will probably be treated like something he's not.
How to Get a "Straight" Guy to Admit That He Likes You
So once you have a pretty good idea that the guy you like might be bisexual, you have to make him feel comfortable to confide this in you. It doesn't have to be with words--he could just jump your bones as a demonstration—but there does usually need to be some kind of trust between you before anything happens.
How do you get a "straight" guy (or one who identifies this way in public) to trust you enough to show you his bi side, though? As we discussed above, you're going to have to show him that you're no threat to his social life and that you're not going to create drama for him. You need to communicate the following:
What He Needs to Know
- You are discreet. Anything that happens between the two of you stays between the two of you.
- You don't expect him to identify in any particular way. You aren't going to force labels on him or pester him about whether he is bi or gay. If he says he is straight while he's in bed with you, then he is straight.
- You are not judgmental. You won't react negatively when he expresses his desires, even if you don't share them and you turn some of his requests down. You won't judge him for wanting to keep your interactions discreet.
- You respect his boundaries. You won't try to force yourself on him. You won't try to make him do things he's not comfortable with.
- You don't see him as a "conquest." If you seduce him, you won't brag about "turning" him to your friends or to other people. You won't gloat about it to him, either. Don't turn your interaction into a competition between his straightness and your gayness. That's just weird.
How to Communicate All of This to Your Straight Guy
Now you might be wondering, how do you convey all of this to the guy you like? Even if you agree with all of what is listed above, it would of course be silly to go down every bullet point, explaining yourself at length.
That's why it's better not to explain directly, but rather to let him draw conclusions from your example.
How to Show Him You're Trustworthy
- To show that you're discreet, never mention any names if you talk about how you've hooked up with straight men before. Emphasize how you value discretion and kept everything that happened to yourself.
- To show that you're not looking to challenge his identity, tell him that you're not into labels. Explain how you think sexuality doesn't fit into boxes, and that the things we do during hookups don't have to mean anything.
- Show that you don't judge him for anything by not acting surprised or bothered when he expresses an unusual opinion or confides a secret desire. Act like it's no big deal.
- Show that you respect his boundaries by never pushing him into something he doesn't want. Don't insist that he "try" something that he has no interest in, and don't pester him. Be sensitive to his hesitation and let him lead.
- Make it clear that you don't see him as a conquest or as a man who you successfully "turned," by treating him as an equal and emphasizing how your interactions are all about fun and being in the moment. They don't need to mean anything about who he is.
Work this information subtly into your conversations. Demonstrate these traits through your behavior. For example, if he notices that you're not a gossip and are not constantly talking about other people's business to him, he will trust you more.
Now you wait. Spend time with him, try to build a friendship, and wait. If you have laid this groundwork, and he really does like you in a sexual way, then soon enough the opportunity to act on it will present itself.
What Kind of Relationship Are You Looking For?
While you're trying to get this straight guy comfortable with you, you might also want to ask yourself a few more questions:
- What is your goal with this, ultimately?
- What kind of relationship are you looking for? Do you just want sex, or were you hoping for something more?
This is where things get a little hairier. If you're looking for an actual romantic relationship with a "straight" guy who does not publicly identify as bisexual, then you'll be fighting an uphill battle most of the time.
Most romantic relationships fail miserably when they are kept secret. There are too many external pressures. You'll have to hide your affection. He'll have to hide his lover from his friends and family.
A person's romantic partner often takes up a big portion of his life, so it's hard to hide this. Besides that, others are usually curious about their friends' romantic lives. Soon enough, people will start asking questions. Why is he still single? Are you seeing anyone? Why do you spend so much time together?
The rumors will fly especially if you are openly gay yourself. He will almost inevitably find himself having to distance himself from you just to quell rumors. This can be very painful. It's like living a lie.
On the other hand, if you just want to have some fun, there's no real harm in it. Some guys have zero romantic interest in other men, but are still attracted to them physically. In other words, he may be eager to hook up with you, but doesn't want to hold hands and pick out china patterns together. Maybe you feel the same.
That's perfectly fine. Just because we have a physical relationship with someone doesn't mean that all of a sudden we have to get married or something. Maybe the two of you could be friends who just happen to hook up every once in a while.
Do You Have a Weird Obsession With Making Straight Guys Gay?
One more consideration that you might want to make is whether you are interested in straight guys specifically because they are straight. Does it actually disappoint you a little to find out he's bi?
Do you get a thrill from "turning" a straight guy gay? Does it turn you off if you know that he's been with guys before or that he is admittedly bisexual?
While we all have our kinks, this can become a real problem for you. It basically means that you will only be able to get with unavailable men, and that you will grow bored of them as soon as they are no longer "straight."
There may be a deeper, subconscious issue involved here, but that's beyond the scope of the article. If you think that you may be chasing straight guys for these reasons, then I encourage you to do some self-reflection. Is there something that you don't like about yourself? Do you constantly need the validation of being desired by a straight guy? Do you only feel confident in your attractiveness whenever you can "turn a straight man gay"?
Think about this carefully. You may not be able to form a genuine bond of friendship with this guy if you feel this way. You may be unable to view him as anything but a conquest who serves to boost your ego.
How to Make a Straight Guy Gay: Is It Even Possible?
Finally, let's clarify once and for all: Can you make a straight guy gay?
If a guy is totally, 100% straight, without a single bi-curious bone in his body, the answer is of course no. You cannot change someone's orientation.
On the other hand, there are lots of guys who are actually bisexual or bi-curious, but simply identify as straight. If you hook up with a guy like this, you aren't changing his orientation, you're just helping him discover a part of it that he might not have been aware of.
It really does come down to semantics. What do you consider being straight or gay?
As long as you're respectful of other people's boundaries, there's nothing wrong with exploring the gray areas of sexuality with another guy. Just remember to wear your rubbers.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
Questions & Answers
Question: I'm in 5th grade and I'm bi. I like a straight guy. What should I do?
Answer: Er, is this straight guy your age? Hopefully he is. Either way, you can't make someone gay or bi if they really are straight. If he is your age, then just focus on being friends with him without expecting anything more from it. If something more happens, then good for you, but don't force anything. Let it flow.
Question: I hooked up with my straight friend a few years ago. I broke his trust, and he ended up dating my friend for a few years, but we're all still close. I still get the vibes that he wants to have sex or that he might even have feelings for me. How do I find out what he wants and how to make him feel for me?
Answer: You can't make him feel for you. Please don't bother trying to make someone like you; it doesn't work. But, if he already likes you, you can find out what he wants by asking. (Easier said than done, I know.)
Question: l love my uncle, but he doesn't love me. What do I do?
Answer: Let it go. He doesn't love you back and you can't make him, so just let it go.
There's more at stake here, too, because you could potentially cause issues for him with your family. This situation isn't necessarily taboo in all cultures, but it is in most of them, and it could put your uncle in a very awkward position of being ostracized by your parents even if he did love you back.
There are plenty of guys out there in the world that you can love; let him go and find someone else...ideally, someone who isn't closely related to you.
© 2017 Jorge Vamos