So it has happened. You're a straight guy, just minding your own business, and you meet this girl. Now, you know she's a lesbian; you know she could never want you; you know she doesn't look at you like that and that you're just really good friends, of course. But "the heart wants what the heart wants" as they say, and, typically, the penis also follows suit, complicating matters even more.
Now that you have fallen prey to the fated lesbian web of seduction that she probably didn't know she was spinning, you have several options to bring about some kind of resolution:
1 - Get over it
She's a lesbian. She likes women. She likes people with long hair who wear dresses and (probably) have vaginas. If you don't fit this description, she probably isn't interested and never will be. She may be nice about it, but the fact that you're in love with her is unlikely to budge her orientation in the slightest.
Try to concentrate less on her and more on the fake lesbians you see in porn. At least they'll never reject you. Straight guys are the primary source of their income.
Now, if you don't want to just give up and get over it...
2 - Try to figure out if she'll go straight for you
Gay women typically hate that whole cliché of "She's only a lesbian because she hasn't found the right man." Clearly, in most cases, this is simply patently untrue. After all, if you were a woman, wouldn't you be a lesbian, too? Who wouldn't want to be a lesbian if they could, right?
However, sexuality is much more fluid in many people than society tends to acknowledge, and maybe, just maybe, she's only mostly gay. Maybe there's room for a certain, specific kind of guy. Of course, even in the event that this happens to be the case, there's no guarantee that that guy is you; but, if you're sufficiently close, it may be a remote possibility. Attempt to probe her about it, especially if she's single. Ask her if she would ever be with a guy at all, or if she ever has been. Past behavior can be indicative of exactly how far she swings either way.
If she's not single, handle this with caution. It is more of a disgrace among lesbians to leave her partner for a man than for another woman because it is almost like a betrayal of her species. She will be more hesitant because of this; if she "goes straight" for a guy, she will likely not be backed up by her friends. Oftentimes, the boyfriend of a lesbian is seen as nothing more than a "beard" and a sorry attempt on her part to back away into mainstream society.
3 - Confess your love for her
This requires growing a proverbial pair. If you really want her, sincerely and without an ounce of sleaze, then there is nothing to be ashamed of. It can certainly be worth it to be honest, even if it's just for the off chance that she might feel the same about you.
If she does reciprocate, it is worth noting that you have probably not "converted" a lesbian, so use caution. You are probably only an exception to the rule and have not changed "the rules" as a whole, so to speak. She is most likely still just a gay as she was the day she met you and it's just that maybe you're the one guy that's girly enough for her. At any rate, it is in poor taste to say anything to the effect that you have shown her the light or brought her back to Jesus with the force of your manliness. She is probably unsure of herself now if she does indeed find that she likes you; this is no time to make her all-out question her sexuality.
Now, on the other hand, if you confess and find that she doesn't want you back the same way at all, then at least you can take solace in the fact that the answer was not totally unexpected. She's a lesbian. She likes people with long hair who wear dresses. Refer back to 1.
4 - Just be really close friends with her
If you can, find value in her in non-romantic ways. This is probably much easier if you were already friends before and you didn't get to know her strictly because she was attractive to you.
Be what is called a "lesbro," a straight guy who is close, but platonic, with a lesbian. Go build something together. Go fishing. Talk about girls and drink tea with your pinkies raised.
Just be friends with her and try to be content with that and try to remember that it's probably the most you'll ever get from her. And, then, maybe someday, though probably not, she may unexpectedly decide to look your way with romantic intention. Sometimes familiarity can breed affection over time. But, still, probably not, so get over it. Refer back to option 1.
There is so little to be done with such an unfortunate situation, but, alas, this is life. Sometimes the most attractive, confident girls who seem to lack all those feminine traits that annoy you and who seem to like all the same things you do, really do like all the same things you do.
So good luck to all of you who have been love-struck, and may your love life see better days in the future.
(*Note: photo by SuicideGirls)
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
Ananymous on April 24, 2019:
Wow... big facts. This helped a lot. There's this girl I met through a mutual friend of ours (I really don't know for sure what she is, they say she's a lesbian, but she's never been in a relationship with a girl so idk for sure). My first thought, was that she was a tomboy, but as I got to know her, my view of her COMPLETELY flipped. Now I feel empty without seeing her daily. Reading this article gives me the confidence to at least try. I mean we hug and stuff and say I love you, but I don't know if she's as serious as I am when she says it. The other day, we were horse playing, but when we were finished, I just stood there with my arm gently placed between her neck and chest. I was holding her the way a boy does a girl when they're in a relationship. I was nervous up until the point she started stroking my arm. It felt amazing. To say I'm completely in love would be an understatement. Thanks for the article though. I'm going to talk to her about my feelings for her, and hopefully she feels the same way.
linx on January 22, 2019:
i was on insta and started talking to a random lesbian girl and started to really like her and im at the point where I am 100% sure she is a lesbian and I lover her and I don't know what to do ;*(
sillyman96 on December 04, 2018:
I've fallen victim with a girl named K (first letter of name for anonymous reasons) I've known her since i was 3, And when I was in high school (and puberty struck) I started developing feelings for this girl, When i found out that she was lesbian through one of her friends it tore my heart apart. I later got confirmation from K herself but i never showed her feelings because she was lesbian so what was the point? I love her even as a friend but i want to be more than friends. I am single and of course straight, I have yet to have found a girl like K, She was so beautiful and smart, she had blonde hair and blue eyes. She was my dream girl, after i technically got rejected i started to drink, that shit tore me to shreds. I fight the urge to confess my love to my dear sweet K in case it ruins our friendship. This is the end of the post my fellow silly men and to all a good night
Reality33 on November 20, 2018:
This is the very excellent reason why so many of us straight guys are still single now as i speak unfortunately.
porkyleaf on February 22, 2018:
Im sorry to say this but i too have fallen in love with a lesbian and i cannot ever not look at her romantically, its been years since i professed that i feel affectionately for her, and i have never made her feel that she couldnt say no to me. I simply cannot help but look at her in a sensual manner, which sucks because I do enjoy hanging out with her but you know how it is. Once your attracted to someone its just never the same, you always look at them in a certain way no matter how much you try to help it. I keep my distance because my heart always leaps when i just see her eyes. It sucks and I dont think I will ever move on. I wish I could.
Sweetleaf on February 03, 2018:
A little bit of background :english not my language, I'm a female in my late 20s she's 24 years-old a single lesbian ,we don't directly work together at the same job but have been in a professional relationship the last 4 months we barely know each other but I noticed that she talked to me differently she praised me a lot she touch my arm when ever she had the chance .I'm from a religious background in never thought about liking girls before she's the only one I liked it was so excited to see her again I couldn't stop thinking about her all I wanted was understanding her orientation so I started to read and search is just didn't want to hurt her and same time I really wanted to see where things going to go even that I had a conflict with my self that it's going to end sore but because of my religion but I didn't mind I know it's a something in my beliefs that I go to hell for but you know what I really didn't mind anyways she had a vacation and I was dying because I want to see her in was prepared to talk and asked her out here's the shock when she back to work she saw me and smiled at me but my fucking brain freeze i passed in front of her pretending not seeing her well I ignored her I don't know why I did something like that I never did this to anyone why this is happened to the most important person in my life I really don't get it is can't believe that i hurt her and I know how this cause pain anyway I went to her office and I said hi she was surprised all I wanted was to wash away the pain and apologize just explain things ,unfortunately she didn't gave me the chance she excuse to leave because she had work to do it don't want to make her feel uncomfortable I want to say I'm sorry I don't want to hurt her even that I did .how do I handle this situation and what should I do if don't want to say sorry about something she could deny ?I'm lost but sure of one thing is that I don't want to hurt her
Sj on December 12, 2017:
Andrew1... continuation ? So are u guys together now ?! =D
Maria Cecilia from Philippines on October 16, 2017:
ohh through this I realized lots of guys are in love with pretty lesbians. Oh goodluck to all of you especially to those one step closer already....
Michael on June 21, 2017:
I go to kellogsville high school after summer is over I like this girl haily she's said she'll date dudes or girls & she has dated only a few other guys she has been in relationships with other girls at my school now that I'm in high school I want to ask her to be my girlfriend but she's a year older than me & I don't really want to ruin our friend ship but we have grown much closer through out middle school but I've never been in relationship I'm not fat or skinny & not a nerd or socially awkward with people me & her have sat next to each other we almost always work on group projects together & none of her lesbian friends or her one trans friend have a problem with me being around we have many similar interests I thought my situation was uncommon because this is one of the few sites I found about this topic
-_- on May 27, 2017:
I'm a straight girl in the reversed situation ... and maybe telling the other person would be an option for some if they can afford losing the other person's trust or if they're just kidding themselves by thinking that life would care about their "perfect fairy tale" but personally, no way I'd ever let that guy finds out about how painful it is for me to look at him and know that the most I can be to him would be a best friend!
Also, people who here assume being gay is about society for girls but is just pure genetic for boys make me lose my faith in humanity even more ... .
some guy on February 26, 2017:
this really helped. i am in this exact situation right now.
Wolfradio on February 21, 2017:
I was in a relationship entering the terminal stage, though I may not have known it at the time. Then I met this lesbian girl at a friend's bday party. To say she was the girl of my dreams would be an understatement. Everything I would want in terms of looks and personality.
We clicked immediately and she was all I could think about. She negated to tell me she was a lesbian. And I chased her hard. There were so many red flags. And I may have listened to them had we not actually slept together a few times.
This was my undoing to be honest. As I slept with her, this gave me the idea that it was and is always a possibility.
I did end up professing my love for her. But only after I felt she was starting to pull back. She proceeded to tell me that she is a lesbian at heart, though I was the only guy she ever considered going straight for and that she even considered if she was gay or bisexual, or even straight.
Either way, I am trying to be friends with her since. It's not easy, and it's probably not the best idea if you are ever going to move on tbh.
As some have said on here, you end up being the person they turn to when they have their own problems, but then when they are in a relationship, you sort of become another friend and see them less.
Only to become that shoulder to lean on when things go bad or they're single again. Even though at this stage, she probably wouldn't sleep with me if she was single again (unless we're both well drunk).
I feel like I'm compromising myself to spend time with her and that I'm only there when she needs me and not the other way around.
I'm trying to meet other people, but I'm just comparing them to her constantly.
It's toxic, but I just find myself wanting to hang out with her, even over going on dates with random girls, as I can already tell they'd be a downgrade.
I know the one thing I need to do is remove myself from the situation completely. But as they say, it's much easier said then done. I'm trying to change myself and have my own self worth be less dependent on hanging out with someone you love.
I try to look at it positively too, I know I would've just stayed in a relationship that wouldn't have worked out and I wouldn't have also gone on a journey of self improvement if she didn't come along.
But the harsh truth can be intimating and make you feel vulnerable. I feel like I am just trying to get to a point in my life where I have enough stability that I do not need her in my life, before I cut ties forever.
Until then, you continue to torture yourself, talking to her like I would to my girlfriend without being sexual or anything. My situation may be more difficult since we slept together so I always have that niggling doubt of whether things could work. But if this was happening to a friend of mine, I know exactly what my advice would be.
And my friends have given me that exact advice, which I have chosen not to heed at this point. But regardless of whether they're straight or lesbian, if you love someone who doesn't love you back, you're only going to get over them if they are no longer around and in your mind.
Just thought I would share this, partly to get it off my chest and hopefully so others can learn from my story as well.
Anonymous on January 10, 2017:
Lots Of Luck.
Mike on December 09, 2016:
I'm in love with a lesbian. I have long hair, but I don't wear dresses. The thing is, her girlfriend doesn't either. The girlfriend is kind of tomboyish.
Kite on March 02, 2016:
It seems I'm late to the party...but reading your article and some of the stories people shared I got encouraged to tell you mine. (Please bear my bad english)
In the 1st Q of 2012 I started to forge a very strong, really close friendship with this girl I already knew was a lesbian. In fact, around the last Q of 2011 she told me she was getting out of the closet (She has had previous relationships between her teens and early 20's with some men but all of them failed).
Anyway -back to 2012-, during that time we talked a lot almost every day and I mean A LOT (thanks to whatsapp), also got togheter for long walks once every 2 weeks or so... we even used to talk about our own love issues with other girls and things like that.
So time went by and just as 2013 was starting I realized I was actually developing deep feelings for her, I panicked since I was aware of the kind of trouble I was going to get involved with if I let myself fall in love with her, so one day...just like that, I stopped talking to her, she quickly noticed the change in my behavior and insisted to talk things out while I just ignored her for a few days, until I felt the guilt of my actions and told her that I just couldn't be her friend anymore. She insisted on talking things out with me in person so I agreed and met up with her.
When the moment came it was kind of a monologue, I explained her everything to detail and told her that I wouldn't want to let things get out of control for me and didn't want to bother her with that either since she is a lesbian so I was going to back away and move on... She just told me that she didn't even know what to say, but I did got her to tell me that she actually kind of knew what I was going to tell her. After that I told her that I was going to leave before it all gets more awkward and so I did, hoping that she would just stop me and say anything to me, but she did not.
Time passed by and on my birthday on 1st Q 2014 I received a strange email from her at 7:40am, it just said "I don't want to bother you. Happy birthday to you." By that time I was calmed enough and kind of over her (A bit more that a year passed by since the incident) So I took it gladly and told her it was OK and started to talk her in a friendly way once again, but it was not the same as before.
Since that day, 2 years have passed by and our relationship is quite different: during this time we haven't been talking as much but ocasionally, we still trust eachother and care for eachother a lot but I actually drew a very large line between us. I don't recall a single time I started a conversation between us after what happened and we still meet up for a long walk but just about once every 2 or 3 months, and we do it just because she asks for it and I still enjoy spending time with her.
The thing is lately she's only been reaching me when she's had problems with her job and/or minor trouble with her girlfriend (Yes, she has now one. Started to date her during that year we didn't talk to eachother) and wants to "clear her mind".
Last Friday she talked to me and straightaway asked me to go out because she's having recurrent quarrels with her GF (Who she lives with now), she wanted to talk to me, said that she wanted to "take a breath" because was feeling exhausted and such. I wasn't available that day but told her it was for me meet up the next day (Saturday). We had once again this long walk, talked about her issues and many other things -deep and/or philosophical shit- that I like to talk about with her...and I don't know, she's kind of different to me now, looks at me in some strange way...A way which made me realize I still have feelings for her.
The problem is that I do not want to get too involved with a girl who wouldn't want me the same way, and much less to become her "crying pillow". I just don't know what to do and I'm afraid I'd take this for a long time, I wouldn't like that.
I just haven't met another girl who makes the same kind of connection with me, they all seem so dull, shallow and boring to me.
Dammit I don't know what should I do, I was actually kind of good during the time we spent apart (After my wounds healed, of course), but it made me so fucking happy to know that she still cared for me.
I'm sorry for writing this much.
Cheers to you, your article is great.
Tr1x 420 on August 31, 2014:
Tough situation to be in.. could use some advice.
I (straight-male) party with neighbor (girl "A") that I'm not attracted to. My neighbor has a friend (another girl, we'll call her girl B) who's lesbian and is attracted to my neighbor. Both girls have a short non-sexual relationship. Girl-A decides she didn't like the lesbian experience and goes straight again and stops talking to girl b. Girl B is devastated. I start to become really good friends with girl b. In the beginning I never really thought she was hot, I just thought she was okay. I never expected this to happen; after some time of getting to know her very well, I realized how much of a badass she really was and that's when the lovebug hit me. I cannot stop thinking about girl b. She has had an ex-boyfriend before but now claims to be a lesbian. She is struggling to get over the girl "A" fling.
Knowing her history of having an ex-boyfriend for 5 years, and never going all the way with a girl, (Yes our friendship was close enough to talk about this info) is there a chance she may be confused on what her sexual orientation actually is?
Dugadoo on July 30, 2014:
Obviously I have looked up this article because I am also currently stuck in this situation but I have to say that things progressed further and faster than either of us expected. We were co workers and started talking and becoming friends from there we began spending every night we worked together until 5 AM even though where we worked closed at midnight. At first we were just hanging out and bonding. Yeah she was attractive but she was open about her sexuality and we would occasionally joke back and forth, being that I had a bit of a rep as a manwhore. Well the more time we spent together, the closer we became. She lived with a girl she had been with since she was 13 but didn't love anymore and was also dating a girl that she claimed was her true love. As our friendship progressed, I started going over to her house whenever her live in girlfriend was at work. Eventually our long nights became watching movies and slowly became me holding her in my arms and her falling asleep on me which to me was a good sign of trust. We eventually started doing all the things couples do, only in secret so her girlfriends wouldn't find out. We went as far as to get sexual. Unfortunately she kept complaining that I wasn't a woman and that she was confused cause she loved me. This drove her insane cause supposedly her girlfriend was her true love but somehow I came along and she ended up loving me. The only issue was that I knew about the whole situation whereas her girlfriend didn't know a thing and so she felt guilty for cheating. I know that guilt plays a big part in our break up. I also know that it wouldn't be fair for me to start dating again knowing no one will make me feel the way she does. I know this is lengthy but I was wondering if you could offer some advice.
Johne852 on May 12, 2014:
Thank you for your blog article. Great. cdkdfeeddbak
Lauren on February 23, 2014:
Lol I just watched chasing amy last night and this article seems like a guide based on the movie
The Real Answer on November 09, 2013:
With so much more Gay And Bi Women these days, could that be very possible?
Help! on September 08, 2013:
So I came across your post when searching for an answer to my own problem and I thought someone reading this might be able to help.
I'm 24 and I'm a lesbian who's has never been with a guy or used sex toys or anything like that but recently I've started to feel attracted to my best friend who is a straight guy.
We got really drunk the other night and kissed and I enjoyed it :-S, I think he enjoyed it as well and now I'm like what the fuck should I do? Should I ignore how I feel and hope it goes away or embrace the fact that I have these feelings and do something about it and risk losing my best friend?
Any help in this matter would be greatly appreciated because I don't have a clue what to do right now
Lomius on August 28, 2013:
Wow I'm in exactly the same situation. But we've been intimate. It took 6 months of being her lesbro. (we always snuggled... i was her "snuggly bud"). But now she is getting physical with me. She is completely dominating with women, but she completely submits to me. Sweetest kisses, softest touches. Polar opposite of how she reacts with women.
But this is starting to scare her so she is backing off and cutting dates, etc...
I'm totally in love with her, we've had the talk. Intimacy doesn't change that. I was in love with her way before she touched me.
So she isn't backing away because of my affection. She's backing away because I think SHE is confused.
It really sucks.
So I'm thinking I'll be going back to step 4. We've been inseperable for 6 months.
But damned if I don't wish she will get over the confusion and just be with me.
It's rough so I feel for all you guys in the same boat.
Some of them don't understand that it's not a conquest. We truly love these women.
Joe on July 20, 2013:
What a learning experience? It has been 2 weeks that I met my first lesbian friend. I'm 31 years old and she's 34, we met running bicycles and she was gorgeous, she insisted on having my number and I actually couldn't see why such a fit, green eyes beautiful blonde 34 years old women would be interested in a 5'11 a bit overweight dude with some cool personality when she can probably select ANY guy in the world.
I didn't knew she was a lesbian until she confirmed by text. Every single day we were talking over the phone and texting each other, mostly being her who initiated. Our first date she ended up in the hospital because she fell of the bike badly, I brought her good food and the like to the hospital with her best friend along before they checked her after I took care of the bikes and that's when she probably confirmed initially I was a keeper, initially.
Few days later, Wednesday, she invites me to a bar with her two best friends both male and female there and her brother also being there. She was waiting to have a few drinks, I didn't connect very well as I felt the pressure, however, she still kept coming the next day and the next day to go out and have dinner.
The problem was yesterday when she told me she was going to date her an old ex she din't see for more then 6 months (friendzone initiation, sucks!) and that they were in a relationship on and off for more then 6 times in less then 3 years. I gave her my honest opinion by text late at night while she was dating and she got furious. It was illogical to tell her that type of relationship was going somewhere..
Now I feel like I totally lost her, she even insulted me saying that I din't have much to talk and that all I do is talk about XY things when I am certain we had good initially connection at least in the first bicycle date before she crashed! I know, to short and horrible, but in the last date in the bar on the way to the bar she said to "prepare myself my love" and the second time I called her she treated and referred to me as "my love" and all those intimate words you'll respectfully call a loving partner.
I'm a 31 years old fellow living in a cool penthouse here at Puerto Rico with all the goods to have amazing fun, boats, jetskis you name it and I am now unsure what she wanted out of me..
Should I let her cool now that she is pissed because I gave her my opinion on her previous ex?
What you guys think?! I feel so empty, for 2 weeks I was able to drop like 11 lbs in record breaking time, feel even better and exercise more consistently then I ever did before...
What the hell should I do if I want her back?!
Ha Ha on June 04, 2013:
Lock yourself up buddy, someone did design something for you and you aren't crazy.
Ignoreme on June 03, 2013:
Just to add to this, if anything actually needs to be added, I liked this girl the moment I saw her, but didn't want to escalate to anything sexual initially, and still don't. That would of course be nice but she seemed like a cool girl and still might be. Her not talking to me as openly could be a result of many things. She seems shy but probably isn't, and might just think i'm an awkward creepy guy and is responding with that defense mechanism like anyone might to someone they don't know. All this makes me feel like something is really wrong with me. When did coffee become a date? Can't you just stand up against a wall talk and drink coffee? I'm rambling but this has to make sense to someone.
Ignoreme on June 03, 2013:
At least I don't feel completely alienated reading through some of these comments.
You have your grouping of guys that are were previously married or that simply think of women on a different level that I do(b's & hoes). Its like a weak attempt of peer pressure. Sure there is that girl that is a b or that guy that is an ass, but its not everyone straight up and down.
I happen to like a girl who 'im pretty sure is bisexual or a lesbian. She has short hair but she has the type of look where it looks cool on her. Most of the time if someone is thinking they are being a certain way, you are. What I am trying to say is that I tend to come off as awkward or creepy no matter what with no intentions to intimidate. I'm pretty smart and not so into myself that I can't care about anyone else. While it might be hard to speak with a complete stranger there seemed to be some sort of attraction with this girl but anyway i'm experiencing that form of uncontrollable attraction that isn't remedied by going to a bar strip club or meeting random girl a b c x.
I went against my creepy thoughts and took a chance, whether it was designed to make me feel a certain way is all in my head. I am talented when it comes to drawing, like the people do in a courtroom and can draw anything im looking at. after seeing someone who happened to look like a portrait ive been drawing for years I for a moment though I should at least initiate a conversation.....is that crazy?
I'm not sure exactly if I am really asking a question but feel like a can relate to people who have already posted comments about this topic. Perhaps someone can relate to my comment as well.
AbsolutelyTrue on April 17, 2013:
it would be very hard for us straight guys to fall in love with a lesbian, knowing that she doesn't want nothing to do with us men in the first place. it is a very rare case to hear that a lesbian can fall in love with a straight man, but i am sure that it has happened at one time or another.
Anonymous on April 08, 2013:
I'm really glad I found this article, mostly for the solidarity. I'm in basically the same situation as many of the other posters here. I met this girl through a friend of mine and instantly though she was cute. I didn't know here orientation yet, and my buddy was crushing on here pretty bad, so out of respect for him, I backed off. Eventually he asked her out, she shot him down and he dipped out of both our lives for a bit. She doesn't have many friends so him leaving hit her kind of hard, since she still thought of him as a friend, so I tried to be there for her. Its been like that for about 4 years, going on 5, the two of us being each others emotional support whenever we needed it. We ended up getting really close, even dated for a few months thanks to some prodding for my friends who saw how I acted around her, but we never did anything physical, which I thought was just because she wasn't comfortable with that sort of thing. I never forced or pressured her into anything, and ultimately she broke up with me because she said she thought she might be into girls. Naturally, it hurt at first, but I got over it and we started hanging out as friends again. My feelings were still there though, but I never brought them up again. Time went on, she got into some sticky situations that really wore here down emotionally, and again I tried my best to be there. We kept getting closer and closer. Over the last few months, we kept toying with different ideas, talking about moving in together, experimenting with introducing a physical aspect to our relationship, and we generally just flirt and joke around with each other too. Two months ago, and this is going to sound really pathetic, but she actually gave me my first kiss. Never had one before cause I never really found the right girl. However, a couple of days ago, she told me that around the same time she had kissed a girl and really enjoyed it. She enjoyed kissing me too, but only in the emotional sense. I guess that means that she's emotionally attracted to me, but not physically or sexually. She said she's pretty much sure she's into girls now, but that she wishes things could be different, because a.) there aren't a lot of lesbians or bisexual girls where we live, and b.) because I'm her "perfect, dream guy", in the same way that she's my "perfect, dream girl", but she can't feel aroused by me. It sucks knowing that if circumstances were a bit different, we could be together. I promised her I would try to look around for someone else that can return my feelings. Now, I'll be the first to say that I'm not the greatest looking guy in the world, but I'm not the worst looking either. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm actually decent looking, and could probably get a straight girl if I wanted to. But I don't. This girl is everything I could ever want in a friend, girlfriend, wife, what have you. If I were to date another girl, it wouldn't be fair to either of us, because I feel like I'd be using her as an emotional distraction. I don't know what to do, and have no one to really talk to except her. I don't want to stop being there for her, as much for her sake as mine, since she's openly stated she doesn't want to lose me and can't imagine life without me there, and I feel the same way. But I've recently started thinking that maybe we should take a break from each other, just for a little while. Meh, thanks for giving me and others an outlet to vent and best of luck to everyone else in similar situations. I'll leave behind the same words I've been telling myself lately. "The future is unpredictable, anything could happen."
scotty on February 04, 2013:
i dont normally post anything on these kind of pages but i have came into this problem well its a bit different here it goes, i have friend n and recently we have become close again the first time around i was with her she was bi sexual at the time but we never had intercourse but done other things as she said she liked girls more n it ended bag since that we were still close mates n she has been with girls since that but like i said we have become close again n recently we were talking n i said that i have always had a soft spot for and to my surprise she said the same n also said i am the only boy who she fancies but i always thought she was a lesbian n said this to her but she she iz open minded so we decided to get close n try intercourse which we did n she was fine afterwards but recently she said she wishes i was a girl so i cub her girlfriend cuz she doesn't think she cud have regular boy sex n thinks she is a lesbian which has totally confused me but yet again we were talking about it with friends they all said i thought you were gay n she replied well iam i think but im straight for Scott, its just totally confused me like what do i say or say, help!
Loveubabe on January 22, 2013:
I fell in love with a lesbian , we never met but talking on phone , chatting on facebook , already passed 4 months. We both love each other very much , we tried to meet but shortly before our date for a reason or another she obologized , at the end he told me that she loves girls. , she is 32 years old. She wad married to a man for about 1 year but she asked for divorce because could'nt continue,....she told me that still she can't be with man , but since we started to chatt since 4 months she stopped relations with girls, we do phone sex and she enjoy it ....actually she delared that she can't leave me , as she said"impossible" and will try her best to be together ..... What you advice ??
Lenascuwhu on October 31, 2012:
"I have a very hard case and you were my last hope... I had wasted loads of money with other spell casters but never had results... I decided to use your most powerful spell and it is the best investment I have ever made. Your powers are real and you can consider me as a friend for life, thanks to email@example.com.
I Confessed. on October 30, 2012:
To anyone who's afraid of the confession, don't be. thehands is right. If the girl has any kind of maturity and respect, she won't be mad if you like her. She may even be flattered even if she won't date you.
I made a really good friend who is a lesbian. She and I relate on so many levels, and she tags along when I joke around and give my friends shit, like it was fucking rehearsed. I told one friend I was falling for her, and that lead me to tell another friend, and more people wanted to know what was up, and I'm so close with all my friends, so to avoid hurting peoples feelings by leaving them out, I basically told everyone but her. Naturally she found out. The first thing she said was "That sucks." That might sound harsh but she actually felt bad for me. She also said she wasn't going to treat me any different. I didn't treat her any different either. Of course all that info was traveled through friends and third parties. She Knew I liked her, and I knew she didn't like me that way. So we just let it go. Fast forward 9 months of awesome ridiculous friendship development (and me still secretly liking her) and I'm on my way to college. She's still in highschool, but the college is only a drive away, but none the less, I wanted to move on. And I figured the only way to do that was to talk to her about all the shit that went on between us that we BOTH knew about but just never talked about. I wanted to hear the words from her, no more third party bull shit.
So we started talking about it. It was actually really easy since we became such good friends. I told her I just admired her like crazy. Her honesty and loyalty among friends, how she just seems to get me and all my weird antics. I told her I just needed to be 100% sure there was no chance for us before I tried to move on. She told me, "If you were a girl I'd totally date you.." I had already heard that from the third party. I actually heard everything she told me through the grapevine previously. But it was still a good thing to do. Now the elephant in the room was acknowledged. And we've seemed to become stronger friends from it.
So if you guys haven't confessed, you should. And if she denies you, (she probably will since she's a lesbian and all) don't react all crazy. If she's cool enough to get you to fall for her under the circumstances, then she's probably cool enough to take the confession maturely. Don't make it awkward and it won't be too awkward. Time helps too, but if she's worth the chase she's worth the friendship.
That's what I'm doing anyways. I have to. I'm in love with her. The best I can do is be her friend and still be there when she needs me. I know she'll be there for me, so at least I have that covered. I'm in love with someone who'll never look at me romantically or sexually, but will always look out for me, and knows I'll look out for her. That's definitely better than nothing. And if you can't handle being friends with her after she denies you, then you didn't love her.
AMarie Jackson from Summerville, South Carolina on October 14, 2012:
"However, sexuality is much more fluid in many people than society tends to acknowledge, and maybe, just maybe, she's only mostly gay."
As a 'lesbian' I totally agree. I definitely have a certain type of man I do like. But I respect the relationship I am in and realize that it is better for me.
Drock on September 30, 2012:
This sucks.. . I fell for a lesbian this weekend that I met on Sat. I came here looking for help. She likes dancing with me, wants to hang out, but YES, she has a g/f.
God dam it.
Cmacattack on August 24, 2012:
So here it is, the first girlfriend I ever had and first girl I fell for when I was 12 was this beautiful girl who I assumed was only into men. We spilt when I was 16 because I moved to another state. We lost touch after awhile.
Fast forward 18 years and we find each other on Facebook. Turns out she's been and is a full on lesbian. We become good friends and I moved into her house and rented a room after my divorce. Almost immediately after moving in we began sleeping together and hit it off and become much much closer. It's hard though as I have totally fallen for her again and she feels the same way but she's struggling and can't put any labels on it because of her sexual orientation. She struggles because it's not natural for her to have these feelings for a guy. She struggles because she has lost so many friends and family when she came out years ago. She has put up with a lot of stares and ridicule for her sexual orientation and then suddenly she has these feelings for me. She's knows her lesbian friends won't understand and she could possibly loose some of them. Her straight friends won't really understand either because they have known all that she has been through in being lesbian. She fears what people think when they see us together as she dresses like me but is holding a mans hand. Being a lesbian is so much of who she is she doesn't understand that no one cares what a girl wears or how her hair is if she's holding the hand of a man. Cause it's natural for us to see a girl an a guy but it's not natural for her to not see stares and glances cause she's had to put up with it for so long.
It's hard for me, I want so much for this to work. I want so much to be more understanding. But it's hard!! To me when two people feel this strong about one another they go for it. But she's has reservations that I can't fully understand no matter how hard I try because I've never lived what she's been through and never could. I have to live with the constant fear that it might not work because she may never be able to overcome this issue. It may be too much for her to bear and it breaks my heart that she has to struggle like this for having these feelings for me. It's hard for me to understand and deal with.
that guy on August 20, 2012:
i need advice. i just got out of a 2 year relationship with a lesbian. and before we dated she told me she was and basically asked me out and i did like her then but i fell in love with her and she fell in love with me and everything was good until last september when she started her 2nd year of college. she went to more parties stuff like that we got into more fights we would barely talk all day. 6 months ago before valentines day she dumped me and said it was because i didnt make her happy and since then she has changed her excuse for our break up. riht after we broke up she made friend with a few lesbians outside of school in philly and they were 28 (shes 20) and she got drunk with them often and one night shaved her head and didnt talk to me for 2 weeks. she would come visit me ever weekend and she would sleep over and it took a month or so but we would start hooking up and having sex like we use to and i would cut her hair for her i put her on my cell phone plan so she had a phone . about a month ago she went on vaaction to north carolina with her best friend from home who is a lesbian and a bunch of random couples and before she left she said she would text me and call me and she did love me. well we never talked for a week and when she came home she screamed at me and said she was gonna start seeing someone soon and she came out of the closet tpo her family via facebook. im supportive of her coming out and she thinks i hate her for being gay but i hate her for breaking news like seeing someone else to me like that. i mad at her cuz shes my ex and i love her. im happy shes happier seeing someone else, but she said she wants to be my friend but she never talks to me i just see her at work and we have hung out once so far. she said she would still sleep over and stuff cuz her gf doesnt care but thatd kill me. idk if i want to be her friend cuz it tears my heart apart but i cant picture my life without her
Nikki Sixx on July 16, 2012:
So after some back and forth with tons of disagreements and/or misunderstanding, she did the humane thing & told me she didn't want a relationship -- at least not with me. I was so relieved, I totally jumped the gun and may have sounded to eager to agree with her.
The "misunderstandings" had to do with my sense of humor which she told me several times she did not appreciate. Now, I a happy go lucky guy who likes to joke around and laugh (I draw cartoon too), so this was definitely **never** going to work out, even overcoming the lesbian issue. Humor is **very** important to me. Turns out she's a killjoy who wants to be serious all the time and takes offense to anything and everything & wants you to apologize. Wow, must be fun at parties...
When you're constantly apologizing to a girl you are not even going out with, because she takes offense to things you say, it has **zero** chance.
Problem solved (-:
Nikki Sixx on July 14, 2012:
Aww Jeezz. After a few more interactions, I'm beginning to see what's going on: she loves the attention but has no idea what to do with me as she's not really feeling anything toward me. I'm beginning to suspect that she wants her parents to see me so she can look normal to them -- they will never accept her as a gay child. So sad...
Sure, on the one hand, I'd like to help her get closer to her parents, but if this is an act, how long will she be able to keep this going? They are not stupid, just bigoted. They will find out and shun her again. Not sure I want to get involved in such deception...
She told me she has done this in the past for a male gay friend who took her to his mother. Had no idea this was common occurrence. Maybe I should take this as a learning experience & later offer my services as "Mr. Straight Guy" to lesbians in similar situations....Just kidding, I'm crushed )-:
Nikki Sixx on July 09, 2012:
This is by far the best article/advice I found on the net.
Can't believe it happened to me: met this girl on Twitter discussing technical stuff & science. I have NEVER met anyone with the same interest in diet (vegetarian/vegan), movies, art, travel, TV (never watch any...), books & religion (atheist) - never. I've had many girlfriends but never connected intellectually with them -- just warm bodies sleep next to.
We exchanged pictures & I couldn't believe how beautiful she is. She's from my hometown but lives broad teaching. She told me she was bisexual & has dated guys and girls in the past.
I told her my feelings immediately & asked her to tell me honestly if there was a possibility for a relationship. Better be quick & brutal than let me agonize over months/years. As she is coming back to our hometown at the end of the summer to see her parents, she proposed we meet there, go out a few times & see how it goes.
That is a very reasonable plan & I should be happy, but I'm panicked at the idea of being in love with someone who may continue to desire girls. Then again, if she is the girl for me, I pursue her or regret for the rest of my life. At worse, we can just be friends...
Also, I'm comforted by the fact that artist Amanda Palmer (who is bisexual) has married author Neil Gaiman and the two are living happily. So maybe there's hope for me after all...
Jorge Vamos (author) on July 08, 2012:
Oh, and to everybody who posted comments here over the past two years: Thanks.
I came back after about a year of pretty much ignoring my hubs, and I was overwhelmed with the number of comments listed to be approved just for this article.
The response to this hub was unexpected and I didn't think it would touch so many people. This is the hub of mine with the most comments and also the longest comments. (Some of you are quite the novelists. LOL.) I also did not expect this article to eventually rank as high as it has on google. Wow. Thanks again to all of you for your interesting stories.
Jorge Vamos (author) on July 08, 2012:
@BigDummy Dude, I don't know you or the intricacies of your marriage, but is your relationship really that "awesome" if your wife doesn't make you feel "taller" and "handsomer" like this other woman does? In my experience, a desire to go poking around with someone else is a sign that something is amiss, and that my relationship isn't satisfying my needs. If everything was going truly well, or truly how you wanted it to be in your marriage, and you felt deeply, passionately in love with your wife, I can't imagine you'd have any reason to want to cheat on your wife (and, even more, to regret that you didn't cheat on her). It might just be that it's your relationship with your wife that needs work. You -can- inject the type of excitement that you experienced with this other woman into your marriage--it just takes a lot of work, a lot of changing of old patterns. I would recommend reading this blog called "Married Man Sex Life" (or something like that). It details these sorts of things--how to keep a relationship exciting while still remaining monogamous.
Jorge Vamos (author) on July 08, 2012:
@Jarman This article actually isn't satire, but I don't blame you for assuming since a lot of my other ones are. Or at least I'm assuming you thought so, since I'm assuming your comment is also satirical. I hope. I pray.
Jorge Vamos (author) on July 08, 2012:
@Nunya Bizniss Calm down. Nobody here is trying to get into your pants. They're all trying to get into the pants of -other- lesbians. Further, many of these lesbians are close friends with them, judging from all their stories, and I doubt these women would feel as creeped out and disgusted as you describe and choose to -continue- to be friends with these guys.
Also, I might ask what you have against fat girls. And having moist breath, for that matter.
And also also also, I don't know what guys you've been around, or if this is simply your odd perception of men, but what sort of man with any degree of self-esteem will keep following you around and stalking you once you've clearly said "no"? Hang out with different guys.
Goethe on June 13, 2012:
Huh..my previous post didn't show up...Sorry if my little tidbit of a story confused anyone!
Goethe on June 12, 2012:
Sorry about that last "hugged me" part, that was a typo, then my hand slipped and hit "post". But as I was saying, I love her so much, and I decided to confess it to her, after seven months. That went horribly. She said that she was flattered, but wasn't interested because she was a lesbian. Love=crushed. That had a major impact on me. I tore my thumbnails off after months of extreme depression, and yet she still helped me through it all. I still love her with every bit of my heart, and I would do anything for her. She gave me a reason to live. If the situation came to it, I would take a bullet aimed at her to let her live. I guess it'd be a bit selfish, to do that so I wouldn't need to live without her.
Somebody who this subject has caused a lot of pain both mentally, physically, and emotionally,
luyy on June 06, 2012:
I broke up with my Ex fiance a few months back, in what was a whirlwind of an altercation, and was destroyed, I won't even bother lying about it. Night after night, I racked my brain for a way to get her back. She wasn't returning calls, emails or texts and our mutual friends said she wanted nothing to do with me. I was in rough shape until i found firstname.lastname@example.org and he guaranteed me in 3days and surely she called me on the phone and and apologized
Thomas on May 25, 2012:
I'm good friends with a girl who's a lesbian, and I just so happen to be nuts about this girl. We've flirted back and forth a bit, and even talked about sleeping together once. But it was all only in fun really, just kind of joking around. That has to mean something though right? I mean she's been with guys before and even dated them before so it's not like she's a complete lesbian, but it has been awhile since her last guy. Right now I'm like her closest friend with the exception of her best friend, and I'm sure she can tell that I have an attraction to her as I make perverted jokes towards her all the time and she makes them right back at me. I really want to tell her how I feel, but her best friend is currently dying of cancer and I just can't bring myself to drop that kind of a bombshell on her right now. I just want to be her friend right now because I know at this moment that's what she really needs the most is a friend. Things being the way they are though I don't know if I'll ever get the chance to tell her how I truly feel as she's talked about moving away if her friend dies. It sucks too, because you can usually tell if you and another person would be good together in a relationship. And I can tell me and her would be good together. I just don't know what to do as it feels like I'd be wrong to tell her how I feel now but that if I don't I'd also be taking the chance of never getting another opportunity again to tell her. I'm so confused on what to do.
Guy on May 08, 2012:
BethDW on May 06, 2012:
A really cute and funny article about a pretty common issue. I have been with my partner for almost three years now, but I always dated men previous to that. I just met her and fell in love (sort of the opposite of the annoying stereotype that lesbians just haven't 'met the right guy', I was a 'straight' girl who just hadn't 'met the right girl' haha). You're right, sexuality is a lot more fluid than many people would like to admit. Of course there are some girls who have only ever been with women, knew they were gay from the age of two, and will never look back. But for a lot of us, figuring out what we like is a confusing and long journey...and there are a lot of gray areas. Now, I'm engaged to my partner and never plan on being with a man (or another woman, for that matter) ever again; but should things go sour between us (heaven forbid, and I don't predict that happening) I couldn't rule out the possibility that I could someday be in a relationship with a man again. I don't like putting limits on love, and labels are for cans!
DORAN DAN on April 30, 2012:
PLEASE HELP ME URGENTLY SO HAVE FRIENDS GAY AND LESBIAN OF MAXIMUM 35 Y.O.,FOR FRIENDSHIP VISITS MAYBE MORE,I HAVE 41/1,72/72KG,I WISH FRIENDSHIP WITH GAY ACTIVE ,I WISH FRIENDSHIP NO SEX WITH A YOUNG LADY,THANKS.
doran dan on April 30, 2012:
please help me so have friends gay and lesbian of maximum 35 y.o.,for friendship,visits maybe more,I have 41/1,71/72kg,please help me so have friends.
You better run... on April 29, 2012:
@ami - "Do you mean that she's sleeping with both you and other girl at the same time..."
On the money with that one.
@401k - "Hey!!! you never hear about a man..."
Good observation, definitely helps a bit.
(My lesbian story is further up for reference)
My question is why do women f**k with mens minds (Lesbian or not)? A lot of the reason why I am how I am today is because of my experiences with women. I have engineered a way of "staying on top" so to say, and it works. In fact these women are now so smittened by me they actually become annoying.
It seems like the women in today's society like the duchebags and ass-holes of this world. Not that it is my endgame, it just seems like if I don't, they just take advantage of you, friendzone you, or take you on a ride. If life has taught me anything, its that the s**t woman talk about on what they want guys to be like is a load of bull****. A lot of the time they don't know what they want, it takes a lifetime of bad relationships, a divorce and about two kids later to realize they had it staring at them the whole time.
Sometimes I look at myself and wonder who I've become, not that I treat woman terribly now, I just feel they'll probably never get to the point where they get to see who I really am.
I am fairly good at picking up women, but to tell you the honest truth, I'd trade that in a heartbeat to be with her again. At the end of the day what does all the chasing amount to? Granted those experiences have taught me a lot about social dynamics, yet I still feel the void.
I hate complaining about this type of thing, I suppose because that was my first real love, and the first one is always the hardest to let go.
However, the best advice I can give to these torn men is: Remove yourself from that situation, its tough, I'm the first to admit it. In-fact I am still getting over it and it has been almost 7 months. She cant give you what you want, you're chasing the dragon like a drug addict, chasing a feeling she gives you, the more you take a hit, the more addicted you become. You are just setting yourself up for more heartache.
That being said, yes I am still dealing, but my life has been improving ever since.
401k on April 21, 2012:
Hey!!! you never hear about a man going gay because of his bad luck with women...men keep trying. For a woman to give up on men and cause damage to her own soul because she's too bitter and too head strong to change the type of men she's been dating...says something about her character; that she's selfish, stubborn, irresponsible for her own choices, and didn't really want a man to begin with (she's sexually excessive, and is waiting for an excuse to go lesbian anyways).
CuttingTies on April 20, 2012:
Add me to the list of people who have fallen for a lesbian. However, at this point I would like to point out that I'm only crushing on her very hard. This isn't love and I know that. There are things about this girl that I could never live with. However, that doesn't stop me from lusting for her.
Recently I've had to cool it after she backed out of plans to hang out for the billionth time. She's so cool. Likes all the things I like, plays the same games I do, like to listen to the same music. She doesn't have super model looks or shape, but she's just so awesome. Bad tooth and all.
I've developed feelings for this girl but I know she's pretty much female exclusive. As a result I used her most recent cancellation of our plans to hang out as an excuse to simply cut her out of my life... at the very least, until I can get my emotions under control. It's just not healthy hanging around her when we have different views on where the relationship should be. I've never told her that I like her more than a friend and to be honest I don't really think there's any need.
It's just very confusing and frustrating. Not that she's gay, but how we end up being smitten by the people we get smitten by. For some reason everytime I think of her the song "Little Lies" by Fleetwood Mac runs through my head because I've so desperately wanted her to tell me the little lie that she, too, sees me as something more than a friend. Alas, it will never happen so I feel it's just best for us to go our ways indefinitely. Sad times.
BigDummy on April 20, 2012:
Thank goodness for this page. What a great read.
I'm a HAPPILY married guy with a perfect life and a wonderful family. I make commercials for a living - recently I travelled to Mexico on a shoot, and formed a tight bond with our lead actress.
She was beautiful, intelligent, and liked the same sort of things I did. We clicked immediately, and spent a ridiculously generous amount of time together... Excursions, limo rides, luxury hotels, fancy meals... We were living large on the company's dime. It was a total fantasy world. In all that time we spent together, we didn't once discuss out significant others. It was as though we were allowing ourselves to be people we weren't.
Once the shoot was over, it was clear where things were headed between us once the wrap party was over... except it didn't, and while I don't know that I would have gone through with it, I didn't change the fact that I felt like something of a failure for NOT sleeping with her.
The plane ride home was awkward, and coming home was brutal. My wife could tell something was up, and I couldn't bear telling her for fear of destroying my awesome relationship.
I re-connected with this woman recently, and we've tried to spend time together, but outside of Mexico it just isnt the same. We finally got around to talking about our feelings for each other and that's when she dropped the bomb... She's gay.
More than the guilt I feel for having an emotional or intellectual affair, I feel guilty for causing her to question her sexuality or the relationship she has with her long-term live-in may-as-well-be-a-spouse girlfriend.
Neither of us know how to proceed from here, but I have no intention of ending things with my wife. I was inclined to just go cold turkey on this woman when I thought it was infatuation between two attached people, but now that I have some inclination of what it's putting her through on HER end, I feel *really* inclined to just remove myself from the situation, as much as I loved how it felt when we were together, and considering the friendship we have. There are just too many dangerous red flags here.
I keep coming back, however, to the way this woman made me feel about myself when I was with her. Taller. Handsomer. More dynamic and interesting. I have a woman that attractive and fascinating and inspiring be into me did a lot for my self-esteem... Which I think felt a little ignored after being married for so long. The fact that I could make a woman who identifies herself as a lesbian question her sexuality should, i suppose, also give me a moment of pride, but mostly I just feel like a big dummy for not seeing it earlier, especially when the signs were all there.
I guess I need to get my gaydar fixed. Dunno if anyone else is going through anything like this. I really really miss her.
Im the Beaver on April 19, 2012:
Mate, you still young and you got the whole world in front of you. Believe you me, I have been falling for girls all my life but this thing happens.
My advice for you is to act cool and go for better girls. Its a natural instinct of every young girl to tease with guys and crush their hearts out..
Shes a lesbian and she thinks its cool. You like her and she knows it. Shes probably proud of herself atm and lol at you behind your back. Dont make a fool of yourself and start acting like a man.
I know its hard for you but youll get over her and Im sure you will in time. She seems a bit evil to me and as much as you like her, you deserve better than that. You dont want to be her lesbro coz she will hurt you. Stay friends with her but keep your distance. Act normal and pretend like you not interested in her anymore. Even when she teases you, just act suave and joke around a bit. Make sure you do it right. Trust me, this is the only way for you to earn some respect from her.
double fail on April 17, 2012:
Well at first I had no clue what to type in. I mean what would you type in to search for? How does a guy deal with falling in love with a lesbian.
If you kind of think about it its kind of hard to explain. Well yea I'm still in highschool but for some reason I just can't get this girl out of my head. I'm always thinking of her but I don' know why.
About three years ago is when I actually started talking to her a lot. We had lunch together and most of the time I would end up staying up late at night just talking to her on the phone for long hours during the night. I knew she didn't like when I did that because she was a super smart student but you know.... I like a girl that kind of has some smarts.
Well to get to the point after talking to this girl for several hours at a time. By this point I had gotten really close to her. She would tell me almost anything. All I had to do was ask. Well I kind of told her that I liked her. Now it was kind of a long sweet little letter that I wrote to her and on the day of Christmas I told her. I knew it would be perfict but unexpectedlly she said that she was going out with another girl at the same time I asked her out.
Fast forwarding a year later she tells me that she breaks up with this girl but, at this time I still did not know that she was going out with her. I was really furious with her. It wasn't the smartest thing that I had ever done but I ended up not talking to her for the rest of the year.
Now after a year of separation and talking to other girls I ended up not felling the same way that I felt when I was with her. I guess you could say that I felt real love with her for the first time. I felt that I should talk to her again so continued to re-establish our relationship.
Every now and then I would sit by her and socialize with her but I and a rediculously nice/shy guy so I let her have her space. Soon enough a girl a year older than me continuously walks around the school with her everyday.
Prom was comming up and I wanted to take her to prom and she never exactlly said no. That was until today when we talked things over and she told me that she was dating this girl that she was in love with since freshman year(Ironic because I loved her since Freshman year even when I was mad at her).
I have no Idea what to do right now. I'm guessing that I'll just be lesbros but I love her like crazy. Maybe I do want that Forbiden Fruit but some how I feel like its for another reason. I know other guys think that she is beautiful I've even told her that she's beautiful. The thing is when I asked her on christmas day I asked her if she wasn't going out with this girl then she'd might go out with me. Someone please help me :)
illogic on April 15, 2012:
@Lucky. You guys are only in High School so I believe you have a good chance with her just be patient. She is not all the way gay if she continues to sleep with you and sober as well. Communicate with her the best you can. Tell her how you feel about everything. Don't bottle it up. I wish you luck.
Possibly Lucky on April 14, 2012:
Well, I'm still FWB with a lesbian-identified girl. The two of us still continue to have sex, while sober, and everything is still going well. She always acts like the two of us are a couple, and even gave me a promise ring style gift last week. She talks about possibly having a child in the future (we're still in high school now though). Problem is, she still identifies as a lesbian.
I know that since both of us are in high school, and her reputation matters to her a lot, and her reputation is built around being a lesbian. Do you guys think she really is, or is only identifying as such because of her reputation? I really want to know if I have a chance with this girl. She's my closest friend, and is my girlfriend in every sense except for labeling us as a couple. It's confusing, because I love her
Im the Beaver on April 13, 2012:
I didnt want to post a comment at first actually but just cant help it. Im a lad and my best mate is a lesbian through and through. Shes the coolest girl I ever met and I care about her more than anything. We always hang out and do stuff together and we just cant not seeing each other more than 2-3 days. Its a bit weird but we both kinda understand that we in a more than special friendship so to speak. Shes sorta seeing another lass atm but Im feeling happy for her that she seems happy. Im single and she keeps trying to hook me up with some of her straight female mates but so far things havent been going well for me self.
I have seen her being ditched by her ex-girlfriends before but I have always been there for her whenever she needed me. With her new girl, I can tell that they are no match made in heaven and I could sense all hell is going to break lose very soon. As much as I want her to be my life partner, she has to realize it by herself. I always open to the idea but at the same time Im trying my chances with other girls coz hey, you never know what you might find.
My advice to other blokes out there, theres nothing wrong having a lesbian bestfriend. She could be the greatest friend youd ever find. A great company to be with when you are single. But keep on hunting for other birds at the same time coz sky is the limit.
allan on April 08, 2012:
I have been a straight man all my life, August I met this beautiful Latin girl. And I immediatly fell in love be cause in May I got divorced. I did not know she was a lesbian and we never talked about it. We dated a few times going to movies and out for luch or dinners and always had a great time. I went to kiss her on day and she said no and I could not figure out why. By this time I was totally in love with this girl. then 1 day she told me after I met her girlfriend and I was so upset but stayed calm and we talked about going to a hotel the 3 of us because her girlfriend wanted to get pregnant. we went but I was basicaaly ignored. and then she started asking for 200-300 saying she has to pay bills and I helped her then she moved out of town a year and a half ago and in that time I have seen her 2 times total of maybe 8 hours and she kept asking for money and as much as I want to say no i helped her out with at least $10,000.00. we are fighting now because I lost my job and I cannot help her. Her lazy ass girlfriend should find a job.
Mr M on April 07, 2012:
I was introduced to this girl, whom I didn't know was a BI/Lesbian. We hit it off when we first met at a club (introduced by my colleagues while I was going through a breakup with ex of 9 years)
We started to exchanged giant amount of txt msgs (thanks to whatsapp) we will chat from morning till late night 2-3am daily. soon, she starts to ask me out to join her for drinks. we had so much fun, and I was really attracted towards her.
we started to hang out on dates. during our dates, we will behave like any couples. we are from an asian country so doing things like holding hands while on date, hugs, and some touches on her erogenous zones. At this point, I didn't know she was a BI/Lesbian, all I know was she is single for a very long period of time. She told me she wasn't used to being touched or close with a guy. So I tried not to be too pushy on that. I will always let her know now its different, she must slowly get used to it and she will often just break into silly giggles.
soon, as days goes by, weeks blinked away quickly. i was puzzled why are we behaving like couples yet we never take a step forward. i asked her, yet her answer will always, its not the time, I am not ready. it doesn't help that her friends tell me she is just playing with my heart. i started to doubt her and pushed her for answers. we often quarreled over this. it got so bad that we will have cold wars for days. things starts to crumble and I didn't know what is wrong. Its during this point of time, I slowly get to know she is actually a BI (which she claimed and admitted to me at later stage)
alas, things halted. we ain't that close, she stopped me from being close with her while going out. things start to cut off from there. it doesn't help that she was really pissed at me for listening to her friends and doubting her. she blamed me for it and said she can no longer trust me. I was feeling really terrible.
if I knew from day 1 that she is a BI/lesbian, I wouldn't have pushed her and would have taken things slowly. I couldn't let her go, I try so hard to win her back, but she just seems to get further away from me. And soon, she was hooked up with this tranny who went for a full op to become a woman. but they didn't last long and she broke up with her after a few weeks.
now, I am still deeply in love with her. and we are working in the same company, and that she is my superior. imagine the pain and sorrow i have to suffer while facing her. just recently, she tell me she realize she is fully lesbian and she must come to face the fact.
i let her know i am still in love with her and will pretty much want to be her. and i am willingly to accept the fact that she may look for gf. she told me she doesn't want to waste my time and that i should find a straight girl. but i am so attracted to her, she gave me the best few months.
now, i have to pretend to be just friend with her, because after she confess to me that she is a true lesbian, and after knowing i still love her as much as ever, she tried to keep her distanace away from me. she said this is the best for me. so the only way i have now is to lower her guard, and let myself into her life again.
i believe and hopefully one day, when she decides to look for a man to settle down, i will be the one.
Jarman on April 06, 2012:
This article doesn't help in the least, everyone knows they are just confused, being a man we always know best for women.
ami on March 29, 2012:
Well, I would say that either she wasn't perfectly sincere with you or didn't know much about her feelings.
When it comes to the first supposition, as you said you know her for a long time and she's your friend. It's understandable that when she came out as a lesbian to you, then she didn't share that little secret that she's attracted sexually to men as well - after all you're a part of her social circle, not just some random guy who's opinion about her wouldn't matter. That part about her always saying that if she was attracted in that way to men then you would be the one for her and that's the reason you can't be together suggest that she didn't want to raise your hopes (so apparently she knew before that you have crush on her), since she was sure that she couldn't build relationship with a man, and looks like she understood that if you knew that she's attracted sexually to men to some point then her statement about being lesbian would sound less definitive in your eyes - and that actually have happened.
And she started having sex with you in drunk state, when those fears fade away. And now I guess she thinks, as it's all done, it won't change anything if she keeps having sex with you.
When it comes to second supposition - many women have problem with separating their romantic/emotional feelings from sexual. I presume she is sexually attracted to women, propably stronger than to men, and also has history of romantic attachments with women. So it's possible that she just perceived only her attraction to women as "the real deal" and didn't keep too much attention to a fact that maybe for example she finds arousing gay male porn and/or have sexual fantasies with men. That's actually common pattern. Many women insist that sexual fantasies and reaction to porn doesn't mean anything when it comes to their orientation, while various studies in fact suggest that it does mean something.
Of course both could be true. And when it comes to labels, I actually wish people would follow more strict definitions described by current scientific knowledge, so such situations wouldn't happen.
illogic on March 28, 2012:
I only say that because she always said to me that if she was attracted in that way to men than I would be the one for her. Now that we are having sex I don't fully understand the statement. When I say "snap" I just mean that would really throw me for a loop because she has always told me she is not sexually attracted to men and this is the reason why we cant be together so If I knew she was sleeping with men obviously that would be hard to grasp. I understand she is attracted to women and I respect that. I am not a woman so I can understand that a woman could fulfill some sort of sexual desire that I, as a man can't do for her. I never said I "changed" her or that I ever even wanted to change her. All I wanted from her was the truth. I always believed she was attracted to me and I guess now that we are having sex I know I was correct. I just wish people were not so caught up in labels. Anyway thank you for your input it has been helpful.
ami on March 28, 2012:
Well, I'm not sure if I'm the best advisor, since usually I have a lot of argue with "lesbian identified bisexuals". People like to simplify things, and when they see examples of "lesbians sleeping with men" they tend to generalize that into all women who call themselves lesbians, and a fact that two women, even though both identifying as lesbians, could have very little in common in terms of sexual orientation fades away – and that hits me in backslash, since guys like assuming they have chance with me. Especially while there are real life examples of "lesbians sleeping with men". And it's not only about those annoying guys – they give hard ammunition to hardcore homophobes that being gay/lesbian is a choice, so can be "changed". Of course homophobes try to twist everything anyway, but if those women would not pose as lesbians, but admit they're bisexual, that in fact nothing changed when it comes to their attractions, it hardly could be twisted this way.
So I personally would prefer that she would change her label and embrace bisexuality. But that's also in your interest. She's apparently one of those women who identify as lesbian on base of their beliefs with whom they could form relationship, not on base of their sexual feelings. So, she would never allow herself for anything more serious with you than casual sex as long as she thinks about herself as a lesbian, because apparently whole definition of lesbian for her is not having relationship with you or other men. But like I said, that would be hard, since she has rather invested much into that identity, and her lesbian social circle may ostracize her. I personally have no problem with women who admit that they were wrong about themselves (unlike with women who keep insisting on false claim), but unfortunately there are many common bi-phobes as well in community.
I know some a bit analogical situation from lesbian perspective. My friend was "dating" married woman. Although there was difference, since that woman, at least as she said, wasn't attracted to her husband sexually, so there was no issue in terms of identity, just in terms of social acceptance. Long story short, my friend ended with broken heart, since the wife didn't want to leave her husband. Funny thing, I've heard that after few years she actually divorced him and is on lesbian scene full time, although not with my friend.
BTW, you make me wonder about that part: "If I ever found out she was having sex with another guy I think I would snap". So, only men, but not women are competition? Sorry, but it didn't came out of nowhere. All knowledge on that subject suggests that she was always attracted sexually to men as well, you didn't "change" her. Like I said, there are many lesbian identified women like that, who keep having casual sex with different men from time to time, "but it doesn't matter because I don't want to date them".
illogic on March 28, 2012:
@ami Your first post did make a lot of sense and I guess I can understand it. My problem now is I went from her "emotional lover" to at this point someone she is having sex with. We have now had sex on 4 different occasions and the last time was last weekend. She is still calling herself a lesbian and Im actually at the point where it doesn't even bother me anymore. I am at the point where I know that she is sexually attracted to me. The sex would not continue if she wasn't. Correct? I also feel that she must be very confused about this and as her friend I am not going to bring it up any time soon. i am actually ok with the way things are now. I also believe that the whole "ostracism from lesbian community" is a huge factor here. This woman is also my best friend so this gets a little more tricky. I also know that we will most likely continue to have sex. I am asking for your advice as a woman(lesbian?) as to how you think I should approach this situation. I can tell you that if I bring up her sexuality she will deny that she may be bi and we will probably get into a stupid argument. I can also tell you that us just ending our relationship all together is pretty much impossible. I guess what i am asking you is what do you think is my best approach to this situation?
ami on March 28, 2012:
Do you mean that she's sleeping with both you and other girl at the same time, or that you're "only her emotional lover", which means that she doesn't want to have sex with you?
That's a big difference, since in first situation, she's just bisexual, and in second - lesbian and she may love you, but will never be in love with you (which means love + sexual attraction).
jghjgv on March 28, 2012:
I met her in school few years ago. She fall in love in me and I fall in love with her. She didn't have any lesbian experience then, I guess. but for few years of school together we weren't talking at all, we were to shy to talk about it or our love was too faint i dont know. then she left to another country and she became a lesbian(not falling in love with girl i guess but spend all time ,have sex) . we meet again few weeks ago after almost 2 years not seeing each other and fall in love in each other again. even if she's not in relationship with girl now, she wants me but she's sleeping with a girl at the same time. what da hell should I do? I'm confused, I don't know want to be only her emotional lover, but want her all for myself...
Realization on March 27, 2012:
Ok to be short, all you guys are too "deep into it", Ill make it fast-forward and well I do had experiences so her fit goes this is your RESULT:
Eventually, simple things will be harder, each time trust me "Been lesbian" is not something that simple in the future all these guys that are dating, confessing their love all of them will be hurt by their lesbian partner (FACT)
Second is basically, lesbian might be attracted by things you say, etc, but will never be attracted to you, so if you still have some self-pride you will know in the future doesn't look good.
Thats all, Homosexuality is not something to take lightly.
ami on March 27, 2012:
Most people seem to think that both sexual attraction and so called "emotional" attraction are both parts of orientation. But in fact it is already known that different brain structures are responsible for "love" and "lust". What's more, "love", unlike "lust", seems to be potentially quite gender blind, while the latter is rather formed due to prenatal events.
That's actually quite intuitive - you fall in love with person, their soul/mind, not gender. But you feel sexual attraction to their body, not soul.
That seems to be the reason for many confusions described here. Many women tend to define themselves in terms of emotional preferences, with whom they think that they could fall in love with and build relationship. Sexual attraction is less important for them. So, there are lesbian identified women who fantasize about men and for whom the most arousing type of porn is gay male porn, but there are also straight identified women who can't get off while having sex with their beloved boyfriends/husbands unless they imagine a woman in his place.
Of course, when those women fall in love with member of that "second" gender (which happens all the time), they find out that they could form fulfilling in both aspects relationship and change their label.
And IMO that's the point. A woman who's exclusively sexually attracted to women, even if fall in love with a man, couldn't create fulfilling relationship with him because of lack of sexual fulfillment.
Woman who's bi in sexual terms, but thinks that could never fall in love with a man and because of that identify as lesbian, as everything (from brain studies to real life examples) suggest could still fall in love with a man, but keep in mind that she often invested really much to her identity, and dating a guy usually would mean ostracism from lesbian community, so many wouldn't even consider that.
What I wrote here is actually from studies and book of Lisa Diamond, researcher of female sexuality. She coined the term of "sexual fluidity", and actually it's something different from what most people believe it is. "Sexuality" and "sexual orientation" are different things in her theory. Sexuality is mostly behaviour and identity while sexual attraction means strictly sexual feelings alone here. Diamonds believe that sexual orientation is actually solid.
All those "sexually fluid" women in her studies were from the beginning sexually attracted to some degree to both sexes, while those women who were always only sexually attracted to women were the only solid group.
Illogic on March 26, 2012:
@bitterly. I feel for you kiddo. I feel the same way about this woman. This might sound stupid but I almost wish this happened with me and her a year ago and not a week ago. my problem is Im stuck now in this "hope" place where Im thinking well she must feel something, but at the same time we all know that I will most likely be back on here in a few weeks/months bitterly blue as you so eloquently put it. It's the fact that I have that glimmer of hope that I cant help but hold on to. This only proves more that none of this is in our control. If it was up to me I would start my life with her, but there is nothing I can do until/unless she decides it's what she wants as well. So for now. FML
bitterlyblue on March 26, 2012:
@Illogic: Yeah, I know it's bull. I'm 35, thought I'm settled and all. In fact: I have family. But that woman is like the counterpart I have been looking for all my adult life. Actually she says stuff like that herself. But the mismatch in sexual orientation seems to be something we won't overcome. I honestly believe she tried and struggled and all and don't blame her for making out with me, I think she was just as confused as me. And yeah, that drunk-thing is a pretentious lie; I'm pretty sure.
@Yep, me too: You are perfectly right about not being in control and better to move on. I guess we all know that on some level, but still, AAAARGH......
andy on March 24, 2012:
I just fell in love with a lesbien. She's been my friend sincee i was a baby, but i saw her at a funeral 2 days ago, and just fell in love.
I already did step 3, and confessed my love, because the feeling was too strong to keep inside, and I believe it to be a gift of God to be in love.
She didn't reject me, but said she loves me too. She said as a friend, but, knowing her for so long, I have a enough trust in her, which helped me tell her.
And, without writing a whole book here, it was worth telling her. I might never be in a relationship with her, and its ok with me, because i love her anyway, and I know she will always love me too.
And it I only get to hold hands and kiss her on the cheek and hug its enough cause I still love her, and I hope hope for the future. holding hands is meaningful enough for me.
Illogic on March 22, 2012:
Your just realizing that now? hahahaha Dude move on if you can. My problem is the only real way to move on for me would be to completely cut ties with someone who is also my best friend. I would do anything to not be in love with her. I joke with her all the time and say things like "I wish you were a fucking seahag or something. This would be so much easier" hahaha. it also doesn't help that we had sex again less than a week ago. i think the next time Im like all the way inside her, Im just going to say "this is really gay" hahahaha. Oh God FML
Yep, me too.. on March 22, 2012:
Reading our stories made me realize we're driving ourselves crazy over something we can't control. We're good guys. We don't deserve to do this to ourselves. I think its time we move on much as I hate to admit it... =/
Yeah right, easier said than done...
Illogic on March 21, 2012:
Confused is an understatement. It's hard to look at someone you care about sooo deeply and admit that they are using you or leading you on. I met this girl when we were 10 and we instantly connected. To think that she is playing with my emotions on purpose is hard to grasp/admit because I know she is better than that. We just cam back from running the track. I am trying to get her in shape for a job she is trying to get. Now we are about to go meet up for a "couple" of drinks(yeah right0 That never happens. I am going to do my best NOT to sleep with her tonight. i am going to see what happens if I ease off. I have a feeling that will make her be the aggressor(more confusion) The problem is I just love to spend time with her even if that means we are drinking. I guess what I am saying is Ill do whatever it takes to hang out with her. What a tangled web we weave. UGGGHHHHH
Yep, me too.. on March 21, 2012:
I actually just wanted it just to be a drunk thing. I could've accepted the fact that she was "just drunk and lonely" But, she told me "I wanted to try something new and I trust you. You're such a great guy and are so cool," when she was sober. The idea of her actually being attracted to me confused me. There was a second night where she was drunk and she invited me over because she "didn't want to be alone." She told I can sleep in her bed but not to take advantage of her. That really pissed me off because I felt if anything she was taking advantage of me using me for comfort after she knew how I felt for her. I really don't know to be honest. It really is all confusing to me. Best thing I can do is just let it go.
...but yeah, still confused by everything. I need space for my own good, but I feel she's keeping me at arms length not to anger me in case I decide to run out and out her to all her friends or something that she's confused and tried to sleep with a guy. I wouldn't do anything like that to her. This is basically the only place I come to talk about this. Anonymous as it gets...
Illogic on March 21, 2012:
I feel bad for you bitterly. That drunk thing is such a copout to me. I dont know how old you guys are but I am about to be 33 and that "drunk" thing doesn't hold much weight to me anymore. How many times can you make the same "drunken mistake" before you can't call it a mistake? I think that's Bull frankly.
bitterlyblue on March 21, 2012:
@ MeToo & Illogic:
There seems to be a pattern.... The times we got intimate we were always drunk. At one time she also told me on another occasion that she gets into the mood for kissing me when she is drunk. How does this make me feel? Good, when we were kissing. Very very bad the next morning, when her behaviour made me feel like a drunken mistake. I guess that alcohol-thing was kind of a shield for her. She could tell herself, well, we were drunk. Whereas I always thought, damn, I so want to be touched and kissed by her with sight and emotions not clouded by this stupid haze of drunkenness. My first post here is one year old, she found a new woman, they are moving in together (which is something she also had asked me a couple of months ago....) and I still am fucking bitterly blue and desperately in love. DAMN....
Illogic on March 20, 2012:
Ill start by saying that every time it has happened we are drunk. I am in no way telling you to get her drunk. I can also tell you that it hasn't been "horrible" or "embarrassing" for us when we are in the middle of the act, but it is the in between parts that get a little weird. The first time it happened I crashed on her couch and she came and slithered into my arms. I saw this as a sign so I began to let my hands wander a bit. We were both aggressive about it that night. The problem was that after that first time she avoided me for a while and when we did see each other she kind of snubbed me and I was pissed. I mean I had no idea how she felt. In my mind she liked it and I am assuming she was confused. This last time it happened we were again sloppy drunk but I am assuming she was just as aggressive because the next morning there were clothes everywhere and she was still naked. I remember the sex being awesome but again this is how I feel about it. Again I can't help but think she liked it too, otherwise why would it happen again? This time I didn't here from her the next day and thought Oh great here we go again but the next day she texted me to meet her on her steps where we hang out and talk a lot. Again I was thinking here we go how is this going to go, but we just hung out and talked had a couple of beers, never even brought it up so that was cool. I just rambled a bit there but to your question pal I want to ask you when did you guys "try"? How long ago was it and what was weird about it? Did you guys discuss things or just forget about it? if you don't mind sharing I will be happy to give you advice. Don't view my story as a "success" story either because I still have no idea what the hell is happening with us. I mean a part of me is thrilled that we are having sex, but I still have no idea what is going on in her head and I know her better than pretty much anybody.
Yep, me too... on March 20, 2012:
Illogic, just a question: were you the one to initiate the sex or was it her? The one time we "tried" (it was horrible and embarassing to say the least), it was her. I wanted to try again, but I'm too worried if I try to start, I might scare her away...
Illogic on March 18, 2012:
My situation falls into this category. It's a little different. I am a 32 year old man and my best friend is a "lesbian" I put it in quotes because we have recently started to have sex. When i say sex I mean SEX. like jackrabbits. She obviously enjoy's it when it's happening it is just the in between stuff that is weird. it's tough because I would love to be with her. We have a great friendship and I know she loves me, I just wonder if she can ever be "in love" with me. i am starting to think it is possible or that maybe she already is in some way and not admitting it but at the same time i have to protect my heart. Part of me thinks the best thing to do is just stop having sex, but thats almost impossible. She has only had sex with one other guy and this was like 10 years ago. She has always been with women and I know that is her preference. At the same time however we are now pretty much having sex. I mean numerous times and it is always for a long time. If she wasn't into it you would think she would either stop it when its happening or not let it happen again right? I really don't know what to do here. Im thinking we try to bring another girl home and see what happens? I am just getting a little annoyed that she is still calling herself gay but having sex with me. She is obviously being selfish knowing how I feel about her and having sex with me but still claiming we cant be together. i also know that maybe I need to just except the fact that she is gay, but I mean what am i supposed to think if we are litterally sleeping together now? Any advice here would be appreciated. Also just so you guys can understand her a little better. She was abused when she was young and I believe it has effected her sexually. She doesn't want me doing oral and I am starting to think that she doesn't let girls do it either. I am starting to think she is one of those "giver" only types with chicks so having sex with me is totally different to what she is used to. At the same time when we have sex I am in total control. Recently she has been getting a little more "used to me" if you know what I mean. less painful. I have always been gentle with her about that. i am in no way trying to make it uncomfortable for her. I want her to like it. it's not like I am just railing her for the sake of railing her. This is my best friend we are talking about here not just some chick Im f*%king. She is sort of the tomboy type. We pretty much dress alike, but she is so damn cute naked. All woman and I love that. We also seem to both get pretty good looking girls. She also gets jealous of me and other woman and was like that even before we started having sex. I think I could be open to us having an open relationship and let her have fun with woman as long as I can do the same. I would have to be the only guy though. This I know for a fact. If I ever found out she was having sex with another guy I think I would snap. Another thing I worry about is that I know a lot of woman in the lesbian community tend to get upset when a so-called lesbian is having sex with a guy and I wonder if this is also coming into play here in her mind. i also want everyone who is reading this to understand that I have nothing against a person being gay and i always tend to get along with gay woman. If she is full out gay i will find a way to accept it and move on. i just think that if she really is a lesbian she needs to stop sleeping with me. NOT FAIR.
Yep, me too... on March 18, 2012:
Possibly Lucky, there's only one person that can answer that question for you and it's her. Best of luck to you, my friend.
Possibly Lucky on March 18, 2012:
I have this really close friend, who I've known for about a year now, who gave off obvious signs of being attracted to me, in touching, flirting, and even having a picture of me as her background on her phone. We had a bit of a relationship going on, but she left after awhile stating that she felt attraction to girls. I let her go freely, and respectfully cut off my connection to her. Since then, she's tried things with girls, but never bothered to go so far, even given perfect opportunities. She tried very hard to reestablish our friendship, and even after many "things" with girls she still seemed so attracted to me and still gave off obvious signs that she is.
Now where it gets weird is that she's been making sexual advances on me for about a month, and we ended up making out for a long time, and she gave me a hickey, and we ended up having sex. She said she really enjoyed it, and wants to do it a lot more, but she said we weren't together and that she is 100% sure she's a lesbian, and insists that we can't be together outside of doing this kind of thing because people wouldn't believe she's a lesbian. I like her much more than just a friend with benefits though, and I've never felt closer and more connected to anyone I've ever known...
Ever since this happened, she's been just as warm and close and flirty with me as she has been. Do I actually have a chance of a relationship with her?
DutchGuy on March 13, 2012:
What a great article! As most of you I thought there weren't really that much guys in similar situations..
I know this girl for 5 years now that I was in class with for a brief while when I was 15. Back then she was a pale, black haired, quiet girl but as she was friendly I always struck up a conversation when sitting next to her in class. I really liked her already but after some few months she told me she and her family were going to live abroad, and so she did. We kept contact, although very moderately.
I've kept going to the same school for three more years after she left. So I still hang around with some mutual friends from back in the day at the bar where I work now. My buddy told me that she was back in the Netherlands since a few weeks, so as a good friend would do I immediately ordered her attendance at the bar for a few drinks together, seeing as I haven't spoken to her face to face in almost 5 years.
She came in the next week and she was so gorgeous. As we spoke she told me she did performing arts where she lived, and while doing that she broke through her formerly shy and quiet behaviour and instead became an out-in-the-open girl with a Lady Gaga-esque sense of not giving a flying fuck. I was immediately attracted to her and we mostly flirted while drinking together that evening, even ending with a proper kiss when she left. After a while I thought things were going fine but then she told me that although she was attracted to me, she liked women and our whole situation was confusing to her. I backed away modestly but hurt and after a few weeks I met my then-current girlfriend at the bar. My father, who worked as a host at the same bar told me that my "lesbian girlfriend" didn't seem to be in such a good mood that evening..
I am currently single again, and so is she. We've been very good friends since she dropped the bomb but I'm still hoping for more. We hang out alot, even having the same hobbies. She plays Guitar Hero way better than I do and she drinks a beer and eats a big mac just like I do, al while rocking seemingly every possible outfit or hairstyle she adopts. I try to look at her like the buddy I never had, but honestly I still tend to look at her like the buddy I never did.
She's familiar with my sister and parents and they've all told me she has a thing for me one way or another, my father seems to know more but those are mostly things she said after a few drinks last year or vague signs. I respect her so much that I don't want to possibly destroy our friendship by once again coming out for my feelings for her, but I still picture her and me together like I did before she told me she liked girls.. which makes it all a very confusing situation for me.
I want to thank you for the honest advice in this article and wish you good luck with writing in the future.
MN on March 13, 2012:
This has happened to me twice, and I'm only 14! Why does this happen to me! Sigh, just so much happens, my life tends to screw me over, especialy this. This article helped a lot, and who ever wrote it, thank you. I said I loved her, but she said she would think about. The next week, she told me no, which I wasn't exactly o.k. with, but what really bugged me was when she said this, "You would be the perfect boyfriend for me, but I am a lesbian." Why me? Its been a month, we are best friends, but I still love her. Life... WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME!
straight tomboy here on March 03, 2012:
I am so confused by all the stories of lesbians fucking with your minds acting like they're attracted to you O_o
I fell in love with a gay guy (who's now one of my best friends, but I'm still in love with him T_T), and he never tried anything sexual with me. We tend to get physically close when we sit next to each other, but that's pretty much it. Quite opposite of acting as if he's attracted to me, it's more like he seems to be totally oblivious of my potentially wanting to have something sexual with him.
But thank you for the story, I feel less alone now, and it seems that many of the women who fall in love with gay guys never want to let go, whereas I've had enough of feeling hurt.
Guy in love with lesbian on March 01, 2012:
This girl at school I know started pushing my sexual buttons she had told me she was a lesbian but what lesbian perposly pushes a guys sexual buttons knowing what might happen right so one day she was pushing my buttons and I decided what the hell and kissed her intently it lasted a minute and she enjoyed it but when the kiss was over she slapped me and reminded me she likes girls and has a girlfriend we r still really close friends and once in a while she pusshes my boutons and I push hers I'm not sure but I think there are feelings of love for eachother from eachother but I don't think shell ever consider me more than a friend o well I like things the way they are now if it won't go further :)
WookieWonderfuls from London, UK on March 01, 2012:
Thank you so much for this hub its brilliant, a giggle a minute!
kk on February 28, 2012:
It's finally over..she has stop calling me, in school she barely talks to me and when I ask her about why she act like that she tells me she doesn't feel very well these days..But it's probably for the best..if it would have gone too far, I know I could have been hurt a lot more..
So if I can give someone an advice, Don't fall in love with a lesbian, whatever she tells you...lol
straight man here on February 25, 2012:
kk, i hope it works out for you. good luck, and just hope for the best.
kk on February 19, 2012:
Like i said I just told her yesterday how I feel..how much sometimes i want to take her in my arms, and how it feels when she undress in front of me or take me in her arms. And she apologized for it. She said she really likes me and i'm her best friend..she doesn't want to lose me..She also told me that i'm the only guy she wants to hold in her arms and if she was hetero we'd be together..:(
From now on we're gonna try not to get to close to each other, but i'm afraid it has gone to far..I don't know how i'll manage to do that..damn...its cruel..
straight man here on February 19, 2012:
i am a straight man that is hoping to meet the right woman for me again, since my wife cheated on me. she did cheat on me with another man, not with a woman as far as i know. i loved her very much, and i was a very caring and loving husband that never mistreated her in anyway. there are many lesbians that are very attractive today as well, i would not mind if i did meet a woman who is a lesbian, and can be attracted to a straight man like me. but the only way that would happen if she left her lover for me, if she happened to be attracted to me.
kk on February 18, 2012:
I'm happy to see i'm not alone...last night i wasn't able to get to sleep because all i did was thinking about her..
I know her for about 6 months now (we're at the same school for a year), at first i only found her very attractive but i didn't even think being with her because i found her a bit young (i'm 7 years older). But about 3-4 months ago we started becoming friends. We were going out a lot more together, and then she started to get really close to me (asking me for massages, taking my arm in public, inviting me to family dinners, having very deep conversation). And in time, i started to have feelings for her..right at the worst time..cause i've been alone for 5 years now and last months, a wonderful girl declared her love to me..i slept with her 2-3 times but all I think about is my lesbian friend...
Now I think she just likes to mess with my mind!(ex.:she change cloths in front of me and she very well know i'm attracted to her because I keep telling her hints and how gorgeous she looks. and she's never been with a man, so she ask me a lot of questions about men's anatomy and how it works...)
Next time i see her, i'm telling her my feelings...Cause i'm getting crazy!
thanks for being there..
Mota on February 16, 2012:
First off I'm a straight guy!. I'm sailing in the same boat as most of them here. This co-worker of mine, at our first night-out for dinner, told me that she was a lesbian. I was a bit down for a while. But I realised I feel better when I spend time with her. So I made peace with the fact that I can never have her, but still decided to be close friends with her. We're getting along well and we share our stories pretty much like a normal husband/wife would do. Now I was married before for more than a decade,hence I know the intimate discussions that take place between me and my lesbian co-worker are right up there. I'm not trying to change her at all, I just want to be there for her whenever she needs me. Now in the process I know I'm hurting myself, but the truth is I love her too much to lose the close relationship that I/we enjoy! What happens in the future, I can't tell, but I know I have to up for it, whatever the situation presents itself.
Her history is a bit awkward! She had boyfriends before and she said it was only until recently she realised that she was a lesbian. Now she hasn't been with any girl yet, but hopes that one day she finds the one. I tried asking her how the previous relationships folded, but she doesn't say a lot. My head has no clue. Is it possible that a past horrible relationship with any of those guys, made her think that she is a lesbian ? The fact that she hasn't been with a woman before, gives me some hope. But then again, I don't force myself into her to change her sexual preferences. If I love her, I should support her with her wants/needs. And thats what exactly I'm doing at the moment.
This is my question for ya all!! I'm straight and I'm always on the lookout for a woman. I can never be open about my life with a man not even my best male friend. Now why do women who claim themselves as lesbian prefer to be so close and so friendly with MEN while they are single ??
bitterlyblue on February 15, 2012:
@"Yep.met too": I think I can understand what you feel. Looking above I notice my first post here was almost a year ago, and I am still suffering from what now should be called the aftermath. I know all the touchy feely stuff and the small steps forward that make you think there could be something and make you forget her preferences. In my case she also came out of a disastrous relationship and must have been looking for comfort. There were times when I really felt this could be going somewhere. But recently I have seen her falling in love with another woman and realized that this must be overwhelming for her in a way she never experienced with me (a man) and I think then I finally understood (or remembered again, to put it in your terms). But nevertheless, it hurts and I am going through the whole package of broken-hearted sadness & anger and finally realized that for the sake of my health and her freedom I need to stop seeing her. Unfortunately that also means a breakup of my band, possibly relocating to another city etc., but I just need another plan for my life. Damn......
Yep. Me too... on February 04, 2012:
I'm in love with a lesbian as we speak. We were first co-workers. I admit I was attracted to her a lot at first, but I found out through the grapevine what she was and left it at that. We started working together and grew close and found myself getting attracted to her again. This time, though, she came out to me personally and I was ok with it. She stated she had a girlfriend which was fine with me. She ended up leaving the job. I remembered her last day there when I walked her to her car, she blew a kiss at me, but I ignored it. Later on, she would contact me and ask me on how I was doing and we kept in touch. Then she would ask me to go out with her and have fun. She even playfully referred to me as her "man." Then I switched jobs and I moved into the city closer to her. She was going through a nasty breakup with her current girlfriend and that's when we grew really close. She needed someone around and I was there for her. We would go out and cuddle. She even tried to have sex with me once. It was a disaster to say the least. I wanted to ignore what happened between us, but she brought it up and told me how great of I guy I am and how I cool I was and all that really fucked with my head because I never had a girl tell me that before, gay or straight. It just wanted me to try harder now with her. She would look at my mouth like she wanted to kiss me once. She even grabbed my ass in public once. She was very touchy feelie with me and I really liked it. More than I wanted to admit. With her breakup with her ex, she was having her doubts about her sexuality questioning whether or not she can be with a man. I should've known better. I know she was just so hurt and just grasping for straws, but it got my hopes up a lot. Ultimately, I was there protecting her and she cared for me and I loved it too much. More than I should have. I want that in life more than anything. I cared for her so much that I forgot what she was. She would tell me that she loved me and that she misses me and I believed it. I believed it more than I should have. At the end of the day, she ended up dating another girl. I got really disappointed. It bothered me a lot. More than it should have I felt. I told her how I felt for her, but I said it didn't feel right because I know what she is and that she trusts me as a friend (we use to say how I was her big brother and she was my little sister). At the same time, I was jealous and angry and hurt and overlooked. It bothered me. It bothered me a lot. I thought I felt like that because of a previous experience I had of unrequited love, but it wasn't to be the case. At the end of the day, I was still jealous she was going out with this new girl even after a night she asked me to stay over to keep her company because the new girl shut her out. She went out to breakfast with her the next morning and told me to wait for her there at her place all by myself. Afterwards, I just walked home. I was pissed and hurt. I decided I didn't want to have any contact with her anymore. She called me the other day and left me a voice mail. I noticed something funny in her voice. I sent her a text message to make sure she was ok. She just called me the next morning to let me know about things. I blew her off. I sent her an email later on in the day telling her I need space and that I can't be around her anymore. I had to let her go for both of our own good. I love her to death and I still care for her. I just wish I can be what she needs from me, but I just don't know how to feel for someone like that without it being romantically. I know I have my own set of issues with intimacy as well. I wasn't trying to turn her. I wasn't trying to change her or convert her. I literally just forgot what she was and just fell in her love with her and cared for her. I haven't talked to her in 3 days (the longest in a while) and it's the first Saturday I spend without her in months. I do the only thing I could do and that was to let her go and let her live her life.
And to all those who think I was in to her because I'm a pervert or because I just wanted to get with her because I wanted to have the notch on my belt that I turned a lesbian straight, that's not the case. Like I said, I forgot what she was. I ended up loving her. Call me naïve. Call me foolish. I don't care what you think about me as a "straight guy going after a lesbian." All I care about is her. Maybe too much for my own good.
Anyway, thanks for the article and the forum. I feel a bit better I'm not the only one going through this.
Yep. Me too... on February 04, 2012:
Funny in a dark place on January 28, 2012:
I'm in a similar yet slightly more complicated situation. I'm engaged to a man and she has a long time girlfriend. But I feel something and she does too. Honestly its a major pain in the ass, shes my closest friend and we spend a lot of time together but since some drunken ramblings about feelings and just getting it off our chests things have been really weird...understandably so. I kinda hate it to be honest. My options seem to be talk to her about it and run the risk of ruining everything in our lives or let it fester inside until it makes me so unsure and uneasy that it destroys the friendship I treasure. Maybe with time it will pass but for now I'm losing sleep and can't stop thinking. I'm not sure exactly why I'm posting this...I guess I'm looking for some feedback from people who aren't involved in the situation. Because the two people I go to with my problems are the two people I can't talk too.