The scene: You're home alone in your bedroom, sneaking into your secret stash of women's lingerie. Panties and bras litter the bed, and pantyhose is draped from the door handle. You're clad in your favorite pink satin panties, have a matching soft lace bra adorning your chest, and are busy fastening your new stockings to your garter when, suddenly, you hear a gasp of surprise—you look up to see your wife or girlfriend standing there. You've been caught wearing women's lingerie! So what happens next?
This scenario is all too common for men who wear lingerie, even those who do their best to hide it. In fact, only men who try to hide their lingerie wearing are ever caught, because men who don't hide it are never really 'caught,' per se. For some men, the prospect of telling a girlfriend or wife that they like to wear lingerie is too much. There is the fear of rejection, the possibility of divorce, and even the aspect of social ridicule if their secret gets out.
Keeping Your Panty-Wearing a Secret Can Be a Huge Burden
Unfortunately, the truth has a way of coming out. More often than not, men who wear lingerie often get caught—perhaps because they secretly want to be caught. After all, the burden of hiding such an intimate part of yourself from the one you love can be a heavy one. Once you've been caught, however, what you do next can make all the difference in how things play out in your relationship.
There are two levels of being caught wearing women's lingerie: One is being caught by a girlfriend in a relatively new relationship, and the other is being caught by a wife or a long-term girlfriend. Things are much easier to handle if it's the former because there is not yet an expectation of full disclosure. The early stages of a relationship are all about discovery and gradual exposure, so discovering that a man likes to wear women's lingerie is less shocking for a woman in a short-term relationship than for a woman who truly believes that the man concerned is her soul mate, her life partner, and the one person on earth who she knows fully and completely.
Don't Lie About Your Hobby
The first tip I would give a man in either situation is not to react in a scared, ashamed, or worried fashion. Your partners is surprised, true, but her reaction will be tempered a great deal by yours. If you squeal and start stammering excuses and apologies, you are sending the message that you have been caught doing something wrong.
Like the great Douglas Adams wrote: DON'T PANIC. Instead of panicking and behaving as if you've been caught with a room full of dead bodies, smile warmly and invite her in. Explain what you're doing, if she asks, and answer any questions she might have. Women are very good at detecting lies—better than you might think—and she will know you're lying if you try to tell her that you just started wearing women's lingerie today, or that you're doing it as a dare.
Lying can hurt much more than it helps for a couple of reasons. One, she probably won't believe you, and your lies will only convince her that you are untrustworthy. Two, it destroys your chance of actually being able to include your hobby, or at least the awareness of it, in your relationship. If you claim that it is a one-off event and she catches you again or finds evidence in the form of a pair of large panties left forgotten on the closet floor or in the laundry basket, then all trust will be shattered. Believe it or not, the female attire isn't as offensive to your partner as the lies that have accompanied it.
Your Partner Might Not Accept Your Decision
Now realistically speaking, not every woman is going to react with joy or even acceptance if and when they find their partner dressed up in panties and/or a bra. Some may be repulsed, and some may be so shocked that they simply can't handle it. These reactions are beyond your control, and attempting to control them is folly.
Being caught brings with it an element of undeniable risk. Sometimes things may turn out well, and you can increase your chances of them turning out well by behaving in a calm, welcoming and honest fashion. On the other hand, sometimes things are going to go poorly no matter what happens. Some women simply cannot comprehend, fathom, or accept the idea of a man wearing lingerie. As a man who wears lingerie, is that really a woman you want to spend your life with?
The issue of being caught wearing lingerie runs much deeper than a moment of naughtiness. It involves issues of trust, honesty, and personal freedom. Will you settle for someone who fulfills you in many respects but who makes you feel bad about an important aspect of your sexuality? Or will you find someone who honors you as a person who has needs and desires that deserve to be indulged just as much as their own? Will you honor and respect your partner enough to share this aspect of yourself with her, or will you disrespect her and shut her out of an intimate part of your life?
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
scott on August 31, 2020:
both my wifes my ex wife and current wife lets me I love VF nylon size 7
Phil on May 17, 2020:
I told my to be wife about my dressing in lingerie on our third date and ensured she was aware I was not gay. Never had a problem since
Rick on February 10, 2020:
My mom caught mewearing her bra and panties, at first she was mad
I told her i was not gay i jusst liked wearingthem,after a few days we talked, it became our secreat she helped me find the right sizes and helped me color match, we were close till she left me .
John on July 13, 2019:
Much wisdom spoken here !
Demetri on May 28, 2019:
I have had a panty fetish since I was 15 years old, I tried sex with men several times and it just didn't do it for me-I truly love the way a sexy woman looks. My biggest turn-on was the time that I confessed my fetish to a woman I was dating and it turned out that she also liked it when her men wore panties! We were a match made n heaven! Eventually we both got married and started families, my current wife has no idea that I am a crossdresser. I fear losing her if I do tell her and if I lose her I will also lose my children-no kidding, I am deathly afraid of having a broken home.
sam on February 22, 2019:
I have a life-long thing about long sexy night gowns since my early teens. My wife loves them as well. I used this mutual intrest in expressing how much I love wearing them. It's our private thing. So, now I have well over a hundred gowns & peignoir sets I wear them every night. It does feel a bit weird wearing them in front of her, but she seems to understand and honor this aspect of my personality. Completely honesty with her was seemed to be the key.
Tony on January 27, 2019:
In auspice relationships it is said a man cannot tell you (a woman) what she can or cannot wear, end of story. So why then must I respect her fears of my wearing what I want? A double standard to me!
Pantyboi on January 05, 2019:
The best thing is always being truthful. You tell her the truth you love to wear panties and bra I did and at first she didn't like it but after awhile she accepted it and to this day it's good
Johne225 on May 28, 2015:
That alone wwas an egregious oversight on thheir own part, since gbdgfdebckad
Cameron on March 24, 2015:
I wear my wife's lingerie all the time as we are similar in size. I would love to tell her in fact I want to have a lingerie party where we both dress up and make love I. Our lingerie. Way to freaked to tell her though.
Thomas on March 01, 2015:
I am a male but love to wear Bra and Panty. I have been wearing bra and panty for the last 20 years. Initially without the knowledge of my wife but later I explained to her that I love wearing bra as my breasts so large and it gives me pain as it swings when I make quick movements. She at first relectantly agreed but as days passed she really loved to see me in bra. I have large breasts and I wear 42" DD cup bra. My wife use to select me good under wire bra. Of course she don't want our children to know that I am wearing bra. We have very good relationship and weboth enjoy family life.
Ivan on February 18, 2015:
Lol Fed, Winter isn't the reason for evnoyree shopping and celebrating, it's the holidays and the only holiday to really cause all of this is Christmas. No one is going to convince me that without Christmas, Chanukah would be able to have such an impact on this time of year. I won't even bother arguing about Kwanza. That has almost no real following.
brasspanties on March 04, 2010:
I prefer to keep my "dressing" a secret because I assume my partner won't be very accepting. If caught and my partner is accepting, I would be more than happy to share with only them. If not, I will explain that this is a private thing for me and will try to keep it out of sight.
Betty on March 02, 2010:
With my first wife, I had asked her if I could wear some female clothing. I tried talking her into a bra or a bodysuit. She would not talk about it and our relationship ended. After the divorce, I decided to never hide the fact again and was open with every woman from the first date that I enjoyed wearing all womens clothing. My second wife started off the relationship very excited about it and called me her life sized Barbie doll. After many years together, we only hide the fact from our kids. However, she is very supportive and encouraging about it. She understands my feminine side since she has a masculine side. I fully believe that you have to be true to yourself as well as your partner. Once you both are, the relationship can only get stronger and better.
iwhcpanties on September 09, 2009:
Hey Ms Hope, wonderful advice again. I would at times hope to get caught wearing lingerie by my wife but I didn’t, but after telling her about it and finding that she was not ok with it that could have been a really bad thing. But at least she now knows and we can move on from here.
silklover on July 04, 2009:
It is nice to be able to talk to someone that is very open and level headed. One night I asked my wife if I could purchase womens panties since you can"t find reasonable price mens silk panties. To my surprise she loved the idea. First she said no printed or laced panties. Now she loves to see me in panties and turns her on. We even got to where we purchase matching panties and like this morning we swapped panties that we was wearing. I won't wear bras but i will wear a nice nightie and nylons to go with my panties. It is important to be able to communicate with your wife or girlfriend. Me and my wife is able to communicate and listen to each other. with that in mind it helps telling your better half what you enjoy and what she enjoys. If you cant talk and got to hide what your desires are you have problems discussing other issure also.
ShaneD on April 07, 2009:
"DON'T PANIC" -- Very awesome reference, this made my day. And also very true. Reacting almost exactly as described in this article saved a relationship I had back in college (which ended anyway for a different matter entirely, but that is not the point) when I was caught wearing lingerie by my girlfriend of a few weeks. At the time, we had been intimate only once, and I had planned to tell her soon anyway. I had left my door unlocked, not really thinking anyone would come in without knocking. She was very shocked and even slightly negative at first -- she actually left the room in quite a hurry. At that point, I took off the lingerie and dressed "normally" (all male attire). I caught up with her, and using a calm approach and being honest & open about it, she really didn't seem to mind to much, and even started to like it after a while, although it was never a full blown "Let's go dress you up," type thing. Very well written article, as are all of your articles. I'll keep an eye on your hubs in the future. Thank you for being so kind-hearted and open-minded, I very much so wish society as a whole had your outlook on this topic. Thank you!
supersteve from london on February 20, 2009:
i would love to get caught wearing lingerie by my wife any advice
david c on February 03, 2009:
Wife found my garter belt about 18 months ago and now it is the lingerie clad 800 lb gorilla in the bedroom that we never discuss. But I am not sure if I want her to be part of it, I find the sensualness of the the whole thing to be very personal. Is that being too disrespectful to her?
Luccy on December 29, 2008:
I have ever experienced such a thing. It happened when my partner in my office wanted to make a report together in my appartment. She came into my room without knocking at my door. At that time, I was only in brassiers and panties. As she called me, I was taken a back. She said, "Wow, you like wearing girl's items too, after all. Don't worry, I like it very much." I could not express my feelings at the time. I said to her, "Sorry, I must change my clothes or at least I wear my T Shirt and blue jeans before we are working." Then, she said, "I think, it's not necessary for you to do so. I like it, really really like it. Just wear them while we are working."
After our works finished, we had a conversation. She said, "I'm a woman but sorry I don't like woman's underwear but I have them and never wear them. If you want, just take all my underwear. I like wearing men's underwear."
Since then, she want me to be a couple. She always treats me as a woman. She wants me to wear women's clothes every day. I like this condition. To my deepest heart, I like woman who can act and behave as a man. I love her, I accept her as my boyfriend. I love you, Sarah.
lingerielover on September 18, 2008:
I was together with my gf for 2 or 3 months when just by chance she discovered a pair of stay ups in my sports bag. When I admitted they were mine and that I loved to wear tights and stockings, it was not an easy time. It took her some time to accept that a straight man enjoys it to wear stockings etc.
We spent some time talking about it. The critical issue was after all that she missed openness and trust. But then she no longer rejected it. Now, almost 20 years later we are still happily married. My recommendation is: be open about your stocking or lingerie fetish right from the beginning. Maybe not at the first date. But not too long after that. A relationship is based on mutual trust. Can you imagine how your partner may feel if she suddenly finds out after a long time that you wear lingerie? That may cause serious problems in a relationship. You can avoid that.
Hope Alexander (author) on June 29, 2008:
Yeah, that would do it. Guys, an extra caveat here.. as much as you might love your lingerie or make up or heels or whatever, don't be tools about it and flaunt it innapropriately or where it could cause embarassment for your partner. Respect for your partner is imperative for a healthy relationship.
Joanna McKenna from Central Oklahoma on June 29, 2008:
It wasn't wearing my lingerie that ended a relationship, or even buying him the lingerie he'd choose on shopping trips. It was showing up at the home of friends wearing my blue eye shadow that did it!
Carla on June 28, 2008:
Bravo, well put. We enjoy lingerie in all of it it's glory. So much fun. Our both collections are immense. Having special dress up party together tonight. Swish swish