What Some Single-Again Women Wish Their Married Girlfriends Knew

Updated on February 2, 2018
MsDora profile image

MsDora is a Certified Christian Counselor. Her views on premarital and marital issues are influenced by her Christian beliefs.

Sometimes when marriages end, the single-again women are surprised that their married girlfriends begin to shun them. In defense of the still-married women, they may think that they have good reason to distance themselves.

  • Some husbands cannot be trusted around women who are unattached. Even decent men mess up. Beyond Ordinary is the story of a pastor and his wife; he cheated on her with her best friend. (Thank God, their marriage survived).
  • Close friends know each other's schedule and can plan to make themselves available for secret trysts. The married women do not want to give their single friends that opportunity.
  • Some single-again women pine continually for the companionship they no longer have. Their tears may seduce one of their girlfriends' husbands.

She may be sad but that doesn't mean that she is sadistic.

Photo by Kinkean (edited).
Photo by Kinkean (edited). | Source

But all single-again women are not callous, or conniving. Some leave their marriages determined to forge ahead with integrity. They lose some of their friends who side with the former husbands, but they expect that some friends will remain loyal. They appreciate friendly gestures like inclusion in social gatherings to boost their sense of worth and belonging.

Although the married friends are not responsible for the moral conduct of the divorced women, they can help to steer them right by offering them some sisterly support. On behalf of the divorced, this article speaks to the married girlfriends and those who can convince them not to shut out every woman who becomes single again.

(1) They still respect marriage--especially their girlfriends' marriage.

Everything that happened in marriages which end also happen in marriages that survive. Divorce does not prove the failure of marriage; it proves that the divorcées did not get adequate preparation or assistance. Those who are honest, leave the marriage knowing that marriage, like any other relationship, can work under different circumstances.

Instead of prolonging blame for themselves, their exes, or their friends, they learn to let go. They even learn not to blame God even though they do not understand why He allowed their dilemma to end the way it did. It hurts but they plan to survive the pain.

So women with integrity still respect marriage, especially the marriages of her friends, and are grateful for the examples of relationships that work. They have no interest in meddling and sabotaging marriages which help them prepare for their own successful second chance.

(2) They still remember the Golden Rule.

"Don't befriend divorced women," some tell the married woman. "They'll want for you what they themselves got." Virtuous women are the opposite. They hate to see others suffer as they did.

Divorced women have been hurt by disappointment, embarrassment, betrayal among other fallout from the end of their relationships. In their passion for survival, women with integrity try to move on, and realize that forgiveness is a great part of the process.

They forgive themselves. They desire to start over by planting new seeds for their new harvest--seeds like honesty, genuine friendship, generous and gratitude. The new harvest they expect will not be for them alone, but also for their children and grandchildren. With this in mind, they invest in the marriages of their friends what they want themselves and their offspring to reap in their own.

(3) Sex is not their primary concern.

Sisterly support can help her focus on the path to recovery.

Photo by Richard Revel
Photo by Richard Revel | Source

True, they are some deceived women who think that sex is the cure for all their negative emotions, but even they will change their minds when they experience sincere affection from their friends.

Also true that the divorced women are accustomed to having their sexual needs met, but their emotional needs are more likely to be their primary concern. Their married girlfriends can help them out just by listening to them, appreciating their friendship qualities and affirming their survival skills.

Healthy marriage relationships in which boundaries and trust are established can become solace and support for friends of either husband or wife who become single-again. Decent divorcées are chasing peace of mind and sense of purpose, not temporary thrills which will add to their guilt and frustration.

(4) They prefer their married girlfriends to admit their suspicions (if any), than to misjudge them and punish them with sarcasms and innuendos.

There are several reasons that the married woman may become suspicious, with good reason. That doesn't necessarily mean that her husband and her friend are guilty of any offense.

  • He inquires constantly about how she deals with her loneliness.
  • He often makes himself available to help her with car repairs, house repairs, anything usually considered a man's job.
  • He presents her with a gift, which the friend accepts as from him and his wife.
  • The wife discovers that they exchanged texts on a matter which does not involve her.

Accepting the husband's friendliness does not necessarily mean that the girlfriend wants to cheat with him. The honest woman will appreciate straightforward questions and expressions of concern from the suspicious wife. In turn, she will apologize for her insensitivity and be mindful to comply with the friendship boundaries. However, if the wife insists on cutting friendship ties, the girlfriend with good intentions will honor her wishes.

All women need the love and support of girlfriends.

Photo by Mathias Klang
Photo by Mathias Klang | Source

(5) They need all the benefits of female friendships.

While divorcées are grieving the loss of their marriage, their brain spends all the energy on keeping them sane. They exercise bad judgment. Some women shop excessively, then they get depressed over their folly, and they shop again to ease their depression.

Women need their female friends during this difficult time, to keep them company, to encourage them, to engage them in meaningful activities. Later when loneliness overcomes them, they also need their girlfriends, not to substitute for male companionship, but to support them in the absence of it. (Even married women need this support, sometimes). Nothing eases the hurt in an emotional female heart like ice cream and laughter with girlfriends who care.

All women, especially the single-again need the love and support of girlfriends.

DivorceCare: Friends helping friends (2 mins)

Questions & Answers

    © 2017 Dora Weithers

    Comments

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      • MsDora profile imageAUTHOR

        Dora Weithers 

        17 months ago from The Caribbean

        Hi Arun. Perhaps you did not complete your comment, or perhaps you just wanted to send a greeting. Thanks for stopping by.

      • profile image

        arun nag 

        17 months ago

        Hi friends

      • MsDora profile imageAUTHOR

        Dora Weithers 

        18 months ago from The Caribbean

        Tamara, you prove my point. Some women are faithful to God, to marriage, to themselves. Thanks for being one of them.

      • profile image

        Tamara Moore 

        18 months ago

        Excellent post! There is this married guy who kept emailing me, wanting to visit with me. I told him to Leave Me Alone! I do not respect this at all.

        Hugs,

        Tamara

      • MsDora profile imageAUTHOR

        Dora Weithers 

        19 months ago from The Caribbean

        Dream, thank you for taking the time to read my articles. I appreciate the honesty and the encouragement in your comments. Your wife is blessed with a very understanding husband. God's blessings on both of you!

      • DREAM ON profile image

        DREAM ON 

        19 months ago

        I know many of your hubs are intended for women but being a loving husband I can learn a lot from your point of view and understand my wife better. I always thought because we have been married for fifteen years we already knew what each of us felt and expected in many situations. It turns out because I think like a man my views aren't always right and I am willing to change when I am wrong. Thank you for your insight and knowledge. Life is a process that keeps changing and what a wonderful way to spend my days and nights enjoying and in so many loving ways. Happy Spring.

      • profile image

        Tamara Moore 

        19 months ago

        Yes, this is very cool :-)

      • MsDora profile imageAUTHOR

        Dora Weithers 

        19 months ago from The Caribbean

        Tamara, isn't it cool how your shyness does not show on HubPages? Sure, let's be friends and encourage each other.

      • profile image

        Tamara Moore 

        19 months ago

        Yes, we need female friends. This is so important! I tend to be shy, and an introvert, so initially, it's difficult for me to make new friends. But, once I have my friend, then I am so happy! I feel that this HubPage community of people are my friends, too. MsDora, thank you for being my friend! :-)

        Tamara

      • MsDora profile imageAUTHOR

        Dora Weithers 

        20 months ago from The Caribbean

        Shauna, so happy for you that you selected wise female friends. Certainly, your healthy spirit of independence helps them to appreciate you regardless of your marital status.

      • bravewarrior profile image

        Shauna L Bowling 

        20 months ago from Central Florida

        I've been divorced twice - both times were my decision. I didn't mourn my marriages, rather I embraced my independence. Fortunately, I wan't shunned or mistrusted by my friends who are still in relationships. I'm accepted for who I am and still enjoy the benefit of having a few close female friends. Guess I lucked out.

      • MsDora profile imageAUTHOR

        Dora Weithers 

        20 months ago from The Caribbean

        Dream, you made me smile as you suddenly discovered the revelation. Hope you feel better knowing that you did nothing to distance the couple. You encourage me especially because you applied the male perspective to an article titled for women.

      • DREAM ON profile image

        DREAM ON 

        20 months ago

        MsDora I was close friends with both a guy and a girl. They got married. I didn't understand why they didn't stay in touch. It was nothing I did. After reading your hub it was because I wasn't married and I was closer to her than him. Thank you so much for sharing and clearing up a twenty year old mystery. Your awesome. Have a great day.

      • MsDora profile imageAUTHOR

        Dora Weithers 

        21 months ago from The Caribbean

        Bill, happy for you that you are blessed with a happy marriage. In good marriages, the blessings outweigh the difficulties. I pray God's favor on you and your wife going forward.

      • lifegate profile image

        William Kovacic 

        21 months ago from Pleasant Gap, PA

        "Everything that happened in marriages which end also happen in marriages that survive." I like that, MsDora. I know from experience it's true. God has blessed me with a wonderful marriage to a wonderful woman, but it's not problem-free. Thanks for your encouraging words to these dear ladies.

      • MsDora profile imageAUTHOR

        Dora Weithers 

        21 months ago from The Caribbean

        Paula, thank you so much for your kind comments. You have been blessed with a good crop of female friends. You all deserve each other, and many other women can learn from your examples.

      • fpherj48 profile image

        Paula 

        21 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

        Ms. Dora, I have been meaning to tell you since you posted your new photo that it's just beautiful. The goodness of your heart, shines through your genuine smile!

        This topic is a fascinating look at human nature. Through the years, my long term female friends and I have been married, perhaps divorced, widowed & some remarried. Of course these incidents occur at various times in our lives & friendships and do in fact, test our bonds.

        With everyone so busy getting through each day, children, work, responsibilities, organizations and such, it's important to maintain a connection occasionally with "girlfriends." Women give one another the support they need, especially during times of transition. There can be many reasons that a newly-single woman feels ignored or neglected, but hopefully each woman finds a way to get through this feeling of being abandoned and remains positive that as time passes, friends do come around and do reach out.

        You shared a wonderful perspective here, Dora. Thank you & Bless you, Paula

      • MsDora profile imageAUTHOR

        Dora Weithers 

        21 months ago from The Caribbean

        Flourish, that's a powerful conclusion! Thanks for your input.

      • FlourishAnyway profile image

        FlourishAnyway 

        21 months ago from USA

        It's sad that friends would shun a person just when she needs support the most.

      • MsDora profile imageAUTHOR

        Dora Weithers 

        21 months ago from The Caribbean

        Dashing, you raise some important questions. I wish someone would tell me how it is with single-again men and their still-married male friends. I haven't heard.

        Yes, some wives are suspicious of their girlfriends, but trust in their husbands should be their bigger focus, since the marriage is the primary relationship. I agree that a real friend will not cheat with her friend's husband--which in fact is the whole premise of the article. However if she becomes a problem, the friendship ties can be cut to save the marriage.

        Husbands and wives who are assured by their spouses' words and deeds do not feel threatened by single people. If both commit to fidelity, they can discuss suspicious feelings which surface and deal with the potential problem together. Loyalty is a reality.

      • MsDora profile imageAUTHOR

        Dora Weithers 

        21 months ago from The Caribbean

        Thanks, Jodah. It is interesting to know that men make these observations. Well, I guess there may be some kind of discussion between the still-married men and their wives. That's how it should be.

      • dashingscorpio profile image

        dashingscorpio 

        21 months ago

        Very interesting topic.

        You don't hear much if at all about (married men) who would "shun" their single again male friends. I suppose if anything their (wives) may not want them spending too much time together.

        You said: "Some (husbands cannot be trusted) around women who are unattached." However isn't also saying the wives don't trust their single women friends! If she's a (true friend) she's not going to entertain getting involved with the wife's husband.

        Truth be told when it comes to cheating there is no "honor code". Many affairs occur between two married or attached people.

        Which begs the point are married women more insecure or threatened by socializing with single women and men?

      • Jodah profile image

        John Hansen 

        21 months ago from Queensland Australia

        Very wise and wonderful advice here both for married women and recently divorced, separated or widowed women, MsDora. I have observed through the situations of friends who have gone through it and I can't disagree with anything you say here.

      • MsDora profile imageAUTHOR

        Dora Weithers 

        21 months ago from The Caribbean

        Eric, if a man thinks that this topic of worthy of consideration, that proves that it is. Thanks for your affirmation.

      • MsDora profile imageAUTHOR

        Dora Weithers 

        21 months ago from The Caribbean

        Louise, thanks for agreeing with me about sisterly support. I've had a good share of it, and wouldn't trade it for anything else. Thanks for your input.

      • Ericdierker profile image

        Eric Dierker 

        21 months ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

        An area well worth considering. You did an excellent job of explaining the viewpoints, thank you.

      • MsDora profile imageAUTHOR

        Dora Weithers 

        21 months ago from The Caribbean

        Mary, you say it so well. "Helping them to cope with what is in essence, a death of a relationship, is what true friends do." Thanks for commenting and sharing.

      • Coffeequeeen profile image

        Louise Powles 

        21 months ago from Norfolk, England

        Hi Dora. Another lovely hub you've written. I agree, sisterly support can be a great healer.

      • Blond Logic profile image

        Mary Wickison 

        21 months ago from Brazil

        It is strange that we would welcome and comfort a widow yet a divorcee we shun. I do feel that women benefit from being included in social gatherings without the need to have a partner with them. Helping them to cope with what is in essence, a death of a relationship, is what true friends do.

        An interesting topic which needs to be discussed more openly and freely.

        I'll be sharing this on Flipboard.

        Well done.

      • MsDora profile imageAUTHOR

        Dora Weithers 

        21 months ago from The Caribbean

        Bill, for me too. Looking back at the road already traveled is what gives me the authority and courage to share thoughts like these. I appreciate your input.

      • MsDora profile imageAUTHOR

        Dora Weithers 

        21 months ago from The Caribbean

        Peg, women have to possess a sense of worth and purpose to come through those shunning periods with their sanity and dignity. I also get your opinion on marrying young; that's one situation which suggests the necessity of post-ceremony counseling. Thank you so much for your wise input.

      • billybuc profile image

        Bill Holland 

        21 months ago from Olympia, WA

        Wonderful reflections and suggestions, Dora! Time is a great teacher, is it not? It certainly has been for me, my friend.

      • PegCole17 profile image

        Peg Cole 

        21 months ago from Dallas, Texas

        This is such an important topic. I clearly remember the feeling of isolation from former friends who worried about my suddenly single status (many) years ago. The shunning is painful. Unfortunately, women at that stage of life are truly vulnerable and sometimes do attract the wrong sort of attention from married men.

        "Everything that happened in marriages which end also happen in marriages that survive. Divorce does not prove the failure of marriage; it proves that the divorcées did not get adequate preparation or assistance." This is true, although, sometimes when someone marries quite young their mate embraces an alternative moral stance with the passing of time and veers from their original beliefs into something unacceptable.

      • MsDora profile imageAUTHOR

        Dora Weithers 

        21 months ago from The Caribbean

        Thanks, girlfriend. Like you, I believe in the power of female friendship with all my heart. Have a great week!

      • sallybea profile image

        Sally Gulbrandsen 

        21 months ago from Norfolk

        MsDora, I think that the last sentence of this hub is probably all important. 'All women, especially the single-again need the love and support of girlfriends'. I think that men who are unlucky in love may find it a lot harder as they don't seem to support one another in the same way as women seem to do.

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