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What Some Single-Again Women Wish Their Married Girlfriends Knew

Ms. Dora is a Certified Christian Counselor. Her views on singleness, premarital and marital issues are influenced by her Christian beliefs.

Sometimes when marriages end, the single-again women are surprised that their married girlfriends begin to shun them. In defense of the still-married women, they may think that they have good reason to distance themselves.

  • Some husbands cannot be trusted around women who are unattached. Even decent men mess up. Beyond Ordinary is the story of a pastor and his wife; he cheated on her with her best friend. (Thank God their marriage survived).
  • Close friends know each other's schedule and can plan to make themselves available for secret trysts. The married women do not want to give their single friends that opportunity.
  • Some single-again women pine continually for the companionship they no longer have. Their tears may seduce one of their girlfriends' husbands.
She may be sad without being sadistic. (Photo by Kinkean-edited).

She may be sad without being sadistic. (Photo by Kinkean-edited).

But not all single-again women are callous or conniving. Some leave their marriages determined to forge ahead with integrity. They lose some of their friends who side with the former husbands, but they expect that some friends will remain loyal. They appreciate friendly gestures like inclusion in social gatherings to boost their sense of worth and belonging.

Although the married friends are not responsible for the moral conduct of the divorced women, they can help to steer them right by offering them some sisterly support. On behalf of the divorced, this article speaks to the married girlfriends and those who can convince them not to shut out every woman who becomes single again.

1. They Still Respect Marriage

Everything that happened in marriages which end also happen in marriages that survive. Divorce does not prove the failure of marriage; it proves that the divorcées did not get adequate preparation or assistance. Those who are honest, leave the marriage knowing that marriage, like any other relationship, can work under different circumstances.

Instead of prolonging blame for themselves, their exes, or their friends, they learn to let go. They even learn not to blame God even though they do not understand why He allowed their dilemma to end the way it did. It hurts but they plan to survive the pain.

So women with integrity still respect marriage, especially the marriages of her friends, and are grateful for the examples of relationships that work. They have no interest in meddling and sabotaging marriages which help them prepare for their own successful second chance.

2. They Still Remember the Golden Rule

"Don't befriend divorced women," some tell the married woman. "They'll want for you what they themselves got." Virtuous women are the opposite. They hate to see others suffer as they did.

Divorced women have been hurt by disappointment, embarrassment, betrayal among other fallout from the end of their relationships. In their passion for survival, women with integrity try to move on, and realize that forgiveness is a great part of the process.

They forgive themselves. They desire to start over by planting new seeds for their new harvest--seeds like honesty, genuine friendship, generous and gratitude. The new harvest they expect will not be for them alone, but also for their children and grandchildren. With this in mind, they invest in the marriages of their friends what they want themselves and their offspring to reap in their own.

Sisterly support can help her focus on the path to recovery.

Sisterly support can help her focus on the path to recovery.

3. Sex Is Not Their Primary Concern

True, they are some deceived women who think that sex is the cure for all their negative emotions, but even they will change their minds when they experience sincere affection from their friends.

Also true that the divorced women are accustomed to having their sexual needs met, but their emotional needs are more likely to be their primary concern. Their married girlfriends can help them out just by listening to them, appreciating their friendship qualities and affirming their survival skills.

Read More From Pairedlife

Healthy marriage relationships in which boundaries and trust are established can become solace and support for friends of either husband or wife who become single-again. Decent divorcées are chasing peace of mind and sense of purpose, not temporary thrills which will add to their guilt and frustration.

4. They Like Straightforward Talk

They prefer their married girlfriends to admit their suspicions (if any), than to misjudge them and punish them with sarcasms and innuendos. There are several reasons that the married woman may become suspicious, with good reason. That doesn't necessarily mean that her husband and her friend are guilty of any offense, even if the husband does any of the following:

  • He inquires constantly about how she deals with her loneliness.
  • He often makes himself available to help her with car repairs, house repairs, anything usually considered a man's job.
  • He presents her with a gift, which the friend accepts as from him and his wife.
  • He exchanges text messages with her on a matter which does not involve the wife.

Accepting the husband's friendliness does not necessarily mean that the girlfriend wants to cheat with him. The honest woman will appreciate straightforward questions and expressions of concern from the suspicious wife. In turn, she will apologize for her insensitivity and be mindful to comply with the friendship boundaries. However, if the wife insists on cutting friendship ties, the girlfriend with good intentions will honor her wishes.

All women need the love and support of girlfriends. (Photo by Mathias Klang)

All women need the love and support of girlfriends. (Photo by Mathias Klang)

5. They Still Need Female Friendships

While divorcées are grieving the loss of their marriage, their brain spends all the energy on keeping them sane. They exercise bad judgment. Some women shop excessively, then they get depressed over their folly, and they shop again to ease their depression.

Women need their female friends during this difficult time, to keep them company, to encourage them, to engage them in meaningful activities. Later when loneliness overcomes them, they also need their girlfriends, not to substitute for male companionship, but to support them in the absence of it. (Even married women need this support, sometimes.) Nothing eases the hurt in an emotional female heart like ice cream and laughter with girlfriends who care.

All women, especially the single-again, need the love and support of girlfriends.

DivorceCare: Friends helping friends (2 mins)

© 2017 Dora Weithers


Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on June 10, 2017:

Hi Arun. Perhaps you did not complete your comment, or perhaps you just wanted to send a greeting. Thanks for stopping by.

arun nag on June 09, 2017:

Hi friends

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on May 11, 2017:

Tamara, you prove my point. Some women are faithful to God, to marriage, to themselves. Thanks for being one of them.

Tamara Moore on May 11, 2017:

Excellent post! There is this married guy who kept emailing me, wanting to visit with me. I told him to Leave Me Alone! I do not respect this at all.



Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on April 01, 2017:

Dream, thank you for taking the time to read my articles. I appreciate the honesty and the encouragement in your comments. Your wife is blessed with a very understanding husband. God's blessings on both of you!

DREAM ON on April 01, 2017:

I know many of your hubs are intended for women but being a loving husband I can learn a lot from your point of view and understand my wife better. I always thought because we have been married for fifteen years we already knew what each of us felt and expected in many situations. It turns out because I think like a man my views aren't always right and I am willing to change when I am wrong. Thank you for your insight and knowledge. Life is a process that keeps changing and what a wonderful way to spend my days and nights enjoying and in so many loving ways. Happy Spring.

Tamara Moore on April 01, 2017:

Yes, this is very cool :-)

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on April 01, 2017:

Tamara, isn't it cool how your shyness does not show on HubPages? Sure, let's be friends and encourage each other.

Tamara Moore on April 01, 2017:

Yes, we need female friends. This is so important! I tend to be shy, and an introvert, so initially, it's difficult for me to make new friends. But, once I have my friend, then I am so happy! I feel that this HubPage community of people are my friends, too. MsDora, thank you for being my friend! :-)


Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on March 17, 2017:

Shauna, so happy for you that you selected wise female friends. Certainly, your healthy spirit of independence helps them to appreciate you regardless of your marital status.

Shauna L Bowling from Central Florida on March 16, 2017:

I've been divorced twice - both times were my decision. I didn't mourn my marriages, rather I embraced my independence. Fortunately, I wan't shunned or mistrusted by my friends who are still in relationships. I'm accepted for who I am and still enjoy the benefit of having a few close female friends. Guess I lucked out.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on March 10, 2017:

Dream, you made me smile as you suddenly discovered the revelation. Hope you feel better knowing that you did nothing to distance the couple. You encourage me especially because you applied the male perspective to an article titled for women.

DREAM ON on March 10, 2017:

MsDora I was close friends with both a guy and a girl. They got married. I didn't understand why they didn't stay in touch. It was nothing I did. After reading your hub it was because I wasn't married and I was closer to her than him. Thank you so much for sharing and clearing up a twenty year old mystery. Your awesome. Have a great day.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on February 15, 2017:

Bill, happy for you that you are blessed with a happy marriage. In good marriages, the blessings outweigh the difficulties. I pray God's favor on you and your wife going forward.

William Kovacic from Pleasant Gap, PA on February 15, 2017:

"Everything that happened in marriages which end also happen in marriages that survive." I like that, MsDora. I know from experience it's true. God has blessed me with a wonderful marriage to a wonderful woman, but it's not problem-free. Thanks for your encouraging words to these dear ladies.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on February 14, 2017:

Paula, thank you so much for your kind comments. You have been blessed with a good crop of female friends. You all deserve each other, and many other women can learn from your examples.

Suzie from Carson City on February 14, 2017:

Ms. Dora, I have been meaning to tell you since you posted your new photo that it's just beautiful. The goodness of your heart, shines through your genuine smile!

This topic is a fascinating look at human nature. Through the years, my long term female friends and I have been married, perhaps divorced, widowed & some remarried. Of course these incidents occur at various times in our lives & friendships and do in fact, test our bonds.

With everyone so busy getting through each day, children, work, responsibilities, organizations and such, it's important to maintain a connection occasionally with "girlfriends." Women give one another the support they need, especially during times of transition. There can be many reasons that a newly-single woman feels ignored or neglected, but hopefully each woman finds a way to get through this feeling of being abandoned and remains positive that as time passes, friends do come around and do reach out.

You shared a wonderful perspective here, Dora. Thank you & Bless you, Paula

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on February 13, 2017:

Flourish, that's a powerful conclusion! Thanks for your input.

FlourishAnyway from USA on February 13, 2017:

It's sad that friends would shun a person just when she needs support the most.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on February 13, 2017:

Dashing, you raise some important questions. I wish someone would tell me how it is with single-again men and their still-married male friends. I haven't heard.

Yes, some wives are suspicious of their girlfriends, but trust in their husbands should be their bigger focus, since the marriage is the primary relationship. I agree that a real friend will not cheat with her friend's husband--which in fact is the whole premise of the article. However if she becomes a problem, the friendship ties can be cut to save the marriage.

Husbands and wives who are assured by their spouses' words and deeds do not feel threatened by single people. If both commit to fidelity, they can discuss suspicious feelings which surface and deal with the potential problem together. Loyalty is a reality.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on February 13, 2017:

Thanks, Jodah. It is interesting to know that men make these observations. Well, I guess there may be some kind of discussion between the still-married men and their wives. That's how it should be.

dashingscorpio from Chicago on February 13, 2017:

Very interesting topic.

You don't hear much if at all about (married men) who would "shun" their single again male friends. I suppose if anything their (wives) may not want them spending too much time together.

You said: "Some (husbands cannot be trusted) around women who are unattached." However isn't also saying the wives don't trust their single women friends! If she's a (true friend) she's not going to entertain getting involved with the wife's husband.

Truth be told when it comes to cheating there is no "honor code". Many affairs occur between two married or attached people.

Which begs the point are married women more insecure or threatened by socializing with single women and men?

John Hansen from Gondwana Land on February 13, 2017:

Very wise and wonderful advice here both for married women and recently divorced, separated or widowed women, MsDora. I have observed through the situations of friends who have gone through it and I can't disagree with anything you say here.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on February 13, 2017:

Eric, if a man thinks that this topic of worthy of consideration, that proves that it is. Thanks for your affirmation.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on February 13, 2017:

Louise, thanks for agreeing with me about sisterly support. I've had a good share of it, and wouldn't trade it for anything else. Thanks for your input.

Eric Dierker from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A. on February 13, 2017:

An area well worth considering. You did an excellent job of explaining the viewpoints, thank you.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on February 13, 2017:

Mary, you say it so well. "Helping them to cope with what is in essence, a death of a relationship, is what true friends do." Thanks for commenting and sharing.

Louise Powles from Norfolk, England on February 13, 2017:

Hi Dora. Another lovely hub you've written. I agree, sisterly support can be a great healer.

Mary Wickison from Brazil on February 13, 2017:

It is strange that we would welcome and comfort a widow yet a divorcee we shun. I do feel that women benefit from being included in social gatherings without the need to have a partner with them. Helping them to cope with what is in essence, a death of a relationship, is what true friends do.

An interesting topic which needs to be discussed more openly and freely.

I'll be sharing this on Flipboard.

Well done.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on February 13, 2017:

Bill, for me too. Looking back at the road already traveled is what gives me the authority and courage to share thoughts like these. I appreciate your input.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on February 13, 2017:

Peg, women have to possess a sense of worth and purpose to come through those shunning periods with their sanity and dignity. I also get your opinion on marrying young; that's one situation which suggests the necessity of post-ceremony counseling. Thank you so much for your wise input.

Bill Holland from Olympia, WA on February 13, 2017:

Wonderful reflections and suggestions, Dora! Time is a great teacher, is it not? It certainly has been for me, my friend.

Peg Cole from North Dallas, Texas on February 13, 2017:

This is such an important topic. I clearly remember the feeling of isolation from former friends who worried about my suddenly single status (many) years ago. The shunning is painful. Unfortunately, women at that stage of life are truly vulnerable and sometimes do attract the wrong sort of attention from married men.

"Everything that happened in marriages which end also happen in marriages that survive. Divorce does not prove the failure of marriage; it proves that the divorcées did not get adequate preparation or assistance." This is true, although, sometimes when someone marries quite young their mate embraces an alternative moral stance with the passing of time and veers from their original beliefs into something unacceptable.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on February 13, 2017:

Thanks, girlfriend. Like you, I believe in the power of female friendship with all my heart. Have a great week!

Sally Gulbrandsen from Norfolk on February 13, 2017:

MsDora, I think that the last sentence of this hub is probably all important. 'All women, especially the single-again need the love and support of girlfriends'. I think that men who are unlucky in love may find it a lot harder as they don't seem to support one another in the same way as women seem to do.

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