RelationshipsPhysical IntimacyFriendshipDatingBreakupsRelationship ProblemsSocial Skills & EtiquetteGender and SexualityRelationship AdviceLoveCompatibilitySingle Life

A Toxic Friend: Signs He or She Is Using and Abusing You

Updated on July 2, 2015
Does your friend ignore your emotions and make you feel bad about yourself? Learn how to get out of a toxic relationship.
Does your friend ignore your emotions and make you feel bad about yourself? Learn how to get out of a toxic relationship. | Source

What Is a Toxic Friend?

Toxic friendships are negative relationships that make you feel unhappy, unhealthy, and unequal.

Toxic friends will stress you out, use you, and wear you down physically and mentally. Many of us keep toxic friends in our lives for whatever reasons. We both like and dislike our toxic friends. We put up with all they give us repeatedly. We complain to ourselves, other friends, relatives, and whomever else will listen to us gripe about how they do this and that to us.

How You Can Become Trapped

But we never do anything about it. This lack of decision becomes a bigger problem than the toxic friend. We don't tell our friend that his or her behaviour causes us to feel a certain way. We wait until our negative feelings and emotions build up, and before long, we find ourselves exhibiting toxic traits as well. We become the best actors in the world and act as if nothing is wrong, hoping our friend will change or grow up. But the fact about such people is that they don't know how to, or if they do, they just don't want to. After all, if being manipulative works for them, and they get what they want out of life, why should they change?

Sometimes, you work up the nerve to tell the friend how he or she makes you feel, but every time you mention it, your point doesn't get through. Or he or she might try to turn the tables on you by saying you're the one with the problem.

Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Friendship

You might want to ask yourself some simple questions when in a friendship like this:

  • Am I in a good mood after being with this friend? Is there a give and take? Am I entirely truthful with this friend? Do we respect each other? Would my friend talk about me in a negative way to others? Would I talk about my friend in a negative way to others? Does my friend criticize and belittle me? Do I hesitate to share my good news because of how it might make him or her feel?Does my friend abuse the friendship and take advantage of me? Do I even like this person?
  • Why do we hold true to the BFF ideal? This isn’t a legal binding agreement. No one is forcing you to stay friends. It’s never an easy decision to break off the friendship. But if you saw one person physically abusing another, wouldn't you encourage them to end the relationship? Why is emotional abuse any different?

How to End the Vicious Cycle: My Story

I ended a bad friendship recently. She used me, my other friends, and my family for personal gain. She emotionally abused me with guilt, and it took a toll on my other relationships. She always told me that she was an honest and open person. She would cry on cue. When I would tell her how her behaviour bothered me, she would always type an email personally attacking and blaming me. It was always my fault she didn’t have the life she felt she deserved, and I had everything. She was always doing the best she could, or so she would say. She would bring up the littlest things! At the beginning and end of each email, she would often apologize if it was hurting my feelings, and she never wanted me to be mad at her. Of course, she didn’t want me to be mad at her! It might mean I, her bank/babysitter/gopher/cab driver/problem solver etc., might not be around anymore.

One day, it all changed when I received an email from her. I was in between job interviews and running around like a mad woman. I had checked emails after a particularly stressful interview, and her tirade was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Again, she criticized me, my family, my friends, and my children. In criticizing my children, she slapped me in the face for the final time. They had been nothing but respectful and helpful to her, and that was what spurned me into action.

I took steps to eliminate her right then and there. She lashed out at me almost immediately, and I ignored it. There were threats and slander. I still ignored it. In fact, that’s all you can do. Once you let a toxic friend back into your life, you’ll begin that vicious circle all over again. If she sees a chance to worm back into your life, she will. It’s all for her personal gain. If calling me “fat” made her feel better? I’m glad she’s out of my life.

Most toxic friends have patterns, and mine was no different. Their friendships never seem to last longer than a year. That’s because the toxic friend uses and abuses from the start. It’s always someone else’s fault why the friendship ended. My friend had been told numerous times by people ending the friendship that she was negative! I thought I was a good friend, almost like a sister. Well, if one of my sisters had behaved that way? I would have no qualms putting her in her place. She has no problem going out to dinner with you and then telling you partway through that she has no money. Or, she just waltzes out of the restaurant, knowing you’ll pay her way. She guilts you into inviting her to functions with your other friends, then insults them all (and drinks all the wine). The toxic friend may even attempt to flirt with your spouse or significant other. They want what you have, no matter how little. Such people are very needy. Mostly for attention.

Walk away and stay away. This doesn’t mean that you don’t love or care about the person anymore. It means that you have more self-respect for yourself. And in the end, that’s the most important friendship of all!

When you find the right friends to connect with, every encounter should make you feel good about yourself.
When you find the right friends to connect with, every encounter should make you feel good about yourself.

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • profile image

      BettyBB 11 days ago

      I had a best friend who started pulling away from me two years ago when she became friends with a controlling, obnoxious woman whom I disliked. I started feeling like I was second best. My friend and I became more and more distant. She wasn't there for me during loss when I needed support, but I'm very forgiving.

      The obnoxious woman died of natural causes a few days ago. As always, I was there for my friend and reached out to her in her grief. I learned that she was also having serious marital problems, some of which had been caused by this controlling friend. I spent a lot of time with her and gave her advice. She wasn't grateful for my help. Her response was how much she missed her deceased friend's advice.

      I felt crushed and rejected. I keep asking myself if this friendship is toxic. Perhaps it's time to end this friendship.

    • profile image

      Sandy 2 months ago

      I have this friend we have been friends for like 3 years now. Everytime I'm around her I feel so little.I believe she is a bully if we opening a bag of chips she want to be the one to take first and the bag should be on her hands.She just told me that I onced said I don't like her boyfriend which is not true. I tried telling her sometimes how I feel but it all turns to me that Im a bad friend.

    • profile image

      j.c. 3 months ago

      My good friend and I use to hang out on weekends, her dad got really sick, I understand family I important. Well when was in the are she would ask to hang out. for example I work in the are she lives, I left my cellphone at home,when I go home I looked at it, se called me 5 times,when I called her the comment to me was are you home I was hoping to catch ou to see if you want to go to lunch,she didn't bother to say I can meet you out by byou fr lunch.S he use to come out by meet on weekends, she hasn't. I realize her mom needs her because her husband passed away, I feel hurt,she oly sees to hang out if I am in the area she lives. she complains she goes to her moms 2 times. I feel being her friend has changed. I may a comment lt me knw when you can come out by bme. When we do hang out she is always checking her phone. Please help me with what is going on.

    • profile image

      Ruby Kloss 3 months ago

      I found this article a couple of years ago when I was fed up with my BFF from 4th grade, friends for over 50 yrs. When I read this article it described her to a tee. I was amazed. But I always forgave and overlooked her. Last year I had cancer and went through hell. After surviving the treatments and getting the all clear I made up my mind that I would not have any toxic people in my life. I warned her that I would not put up with negativity but yet she seemed to think it meant everyone but her. He had me in tears over and over. Finally the last straw was at my daughter's wedding, just before we started taking the group pictures she got nasty and my eyes and face were red because of her. STILL I got over it because we all had so much fun at the reception. Then as soon as she got home she sent me a foot long text telling me how RUDE and mean I was to her, on and on she went....that was the last time I talked to her. It's been like a death for me but I will not give in this time or forgive.....this article has helped me stick to my guns.

    • profile image

      Susieq 5 months ago

      A friend for fifty years and she started to attack me about seven years ago. She would make comments about my hair, something in my teeth when there wasn't and I get my hair fixed at a salon..yells at me when I drive toindustry her and go the way she tells me...attacks me about the backs of the earrings I am wearing not being even andyour hair covers upthe hair she even had scream at my husband..she is not a nice person and we have taken many trips together and I wish I knew what was wrong with her....I don't even want to see her face ever again

    • profile image

      TAWNYA 7 months ago

      I have been in several with people seeing how "popular" I was. They wanted to jump in on my supposed fame , but ended up ditching me for my more wealthier , cooler friends. After that one ended, I have started focusing on myself, and making sure I do my best tospeak up when people push boundaries and creating those boundaries as well.

      A new one popped up, making friends with people who didn't like me, but now is "friends" with me, all the while spreading gossip about my (non-existant)hard drug use and much more, while pretending and smiling in my face while showing screenshots of cropped conversations to me and a group that aren't showing me what is being said about me. I also don't know if she is doing much more than just online backstabbing as well.

    • profile image

      bg15@zoomtown.com 7 months ago

      I have a very good friend who is going through an ugly divorce. She calls me several times a day. She talks about terrible things she is going through. I try to help her but nothing I say works. I feel sick mentally from all the negativity. My parents divorced when I was young and it was horrible. I got past that into sunny skies. Now I feel like I have gone back there. I told her that I am very empathetic and feel her pain. She says oh I am making you sick. Then I feel bad and listen to her. I care for her so much. How should handle this?

    • profile image

      Demon 7 months ago

      I can totally relate to what I've just read it let's me know that I am not alone in the heart aching mind breaking kind of relationship with a most sincere and really quite frankly my marriage of 9+ years is something that I am not able to continue with,the mental health state that I'm left with and my emotional impact on the end of a game that I feel I am part of, me myself can hear the screams and crys from the depths of me and I am looking into the most reasonable outcomes that can occur when the moment of taking it into action and to get the courage/strength to do the most and pretty much make like a tree and leave this relationship with a most deceitful and cold hearted person who I had once been so madly and deeply in love with and did everything together with,pretty much I can see me making ghost and I want to get on with my life and I am not even ever planning on turning back to it because I am to afraid that if I was to return to the relationship between the two of us, me t that I may not able to get away with my mental health and well being, thanks for the great post you wrote ,it let's me know that I'm not crazy.Sincerely, Richard.

    • profile image

      Leah 8 months ago

      Okay I just met this young girl who 28 year I'm 42 befriend her she didn't know anyone she doesn't have family here in Hawaii her parents pay rent and her bills while she live Hawaii so I only knew her for about five month I took to airports and pick her up so then this new woman who 33 with two kids from Florida move to Hawaii 33 month go I live Hawaii for almost 18 year and I never had some much drama until this female come from Florida she is mess a mean mess she say she doesn't feed into anyone drama that lie so caused issue with frist young girl I befirend 5 month go because the one come from Florida and went back told some lie and alway twist my words around it funny because this 33 years have two kids and I cant Believe she act like high school bully and trying ruin friendships because she's used she want

    • profile image

      Emily 8 months ago

      I had a friend and she would use me and tell me that who I could and cont not be friends with and then one day I was ired of it so I told her I did not want to be her friend and now she is saying that I am call people all kinds of names and a lot of ppl don't like me BC they believe her and they the next day she has been calling me fat and ugly and it is hurting my felling

    • profile image

      Tree 10 months ago

      I hve to stay anonymous This old/ex friend will find anything I post...I'm trying so hard to forgive ..I've had to get several ppo me and my children ...she harassed and destroyed friendships with my daughters friends...going to their /parents houses telling my daughter a bad friend ...she keeps posting personal private things of me and my family my kids online everywhere she contacts my other friends to make me look bad say I said this or that ...she tells everyone she slept with my husband ..It's been 5 yrs and it's still going on!! I've done everything ignored it, ppo , then our local police she did a lot more that will take to long to tell!! I've confronted her and she backed off for a minute!! I just don't know what to do anymore she is manipulative she gets online friends to post orbtalk about what she did ..now she twisting everything and she claiming victim...I give up because I don't want to deal with her and others I don't know!! This is so so deep!! And I'm at my wits end!! I'm not the first she's done this too !! But im her worst case for the stalking and obsessive behavior ...I even deactivated ALOT of my social media to but I change my name she has all these fake accounts /re makes accounts pretending to be my good friends so she can sneak her way in to see what I say or posting anything!! I have no Facebook now..I don't go on other things ...she has destroyed my daughter to wanting to hurt herself I seriously am at Gods feet! Cause I just don't know how to forgive this! Or get it to stop!! HELP!!!!

    • profile image

      Linda 11 months ago

      OMG....this article could be about my very good friend who became friends with another lady about 12 months ago. This woman told my friend that she is jealous of me and wants to be treated the same way. I was quietly flattered when my friend explained to her that we had been friends for a long time and that she didn't know her the same way she new me. She is self centered and nasty, always everything is about her but my friend is so lovely to everyone that she just tries to keep the peace. Just lately I have been quite concerned that she has started to invade my friends personal space when I am present. For example, she has cupped my friends breast in her hand, rubs her arm and holds her hand, bitten her on the shoulder, hugs her quite closely, puts her head on my friends chest and when my friend has asked why she is doing this she said she just wanted to listen to her heart. I think she is trying to make me jealous but I have so far ignored it. The latest thing is that she told my friend a lie that I had said something nasty about one of our co-works, who is actually quite lovely. This is the second time this has happened. I'm not sure how to go about confronting her or perhaps I should just let her burn until she is caught out

    • profile image

      Panda 13 months ago

      I had a toxic friend in my life he would act like he would want to hang out as friends and be was too busy . I forgave him for his mistakes even the first time we hung out. But he left me hanging and later found out he had a gf. So trust your gut instincts. He never told me much even as a friend. I didn't know he had a gf until recently.He said sorry a lot but I don't believe it. I feel like the word sorry was only for guilt and people who are toxic want make you feel guilty. I moved on . I gave him plenty of chances to be my friend.

    • profile image

      Joanna phillips 14 months ago

      My brother is like that, always talking shit to me and my 3 kids always putting us down. Hurting our feelings, try and say what were going to do . Hes so hateful. I can't stand it anymore. O think their is some abuse there. What do you think? Van you tell me. My email is joannaoyler26@gmail.com please let me know. Thanks

    • profile image

      Ilios 14 months ago

      I have a friend that treats me like crap whenever I'm over at her house or she is at mine. Every time we see each other all she does is talk to her other friends and completely ignore my existence. When we go out she always leeches money off me and says "I'll pay it back," LIKE THAT'S EVER HAPPENED. Every time I try to explain my feelings she just ignores me. And every time she has a problem I'm there to listen, but when I have a problem she ignores me and starts to text her friends. And she is mad at me because I wasn't able to come over three times in a row. OMG I have a life outside of you, then she quizzes on every little detail on why I can't come. But when she can't come over I just say "ok," and I don't quiz her on every little detail. She also doesn't take no for an answer, it's like she doesn't know the meaning of it. I've wanted to get out of the relationship but I'm still confused and don't know what to do. I also don't if I want to break it off because we were good friends before she started treating me differently. I am very unclear of what to do.

    • profile image

      Jade 19 months ago

      I'm in a platonic friendship with a guy, but he treats me like crap sometimes. I'm 17 and even though I love him like a brother, I am sick of not being treated right. I took me 3 years to realise how he didn't respect me and really feel the same way back. I always call him out on bad choices and he does the same but I try to be respectful and he just rips into me. I was so used to just being treated like crap or as "one of the guys" when I know I'm not, and I am not sure how to ask for that respect from him or if I should just get out of the relationship. He insists that I need to contact him first even though he is capable of calling me whenever, but he refuses to do that. I just want to be respected, and don't want to lose him, but if that is what needs to be done I will be able to. We are both scarred and have messed up pasts, but I've been too submissive to him, and unsure what I should do.

    • profile image

      Test 23 months ago

      Test

    • profile image

      xaveior 23 months ago

      I lost my best friend.....Miss her. I had really never had one....before, Im am sorry

    • bluesradio profile image

      Marc Lee 2 years ago from Durham, NC

      It is often hard to let people go because you get so used to them and their ways...but sometimes you just have to say NO and let IT GO!!!!

    • profile image

      Maggima 2 years ago

      Hi everyone!

      Probably we had mean people treating us in really reallly mean ways."But" I ought to say my best friend is not one of them.But I feel emotionally trapped as well .

      The reason because is she has a family which is kinda not financially stable ..so there are tantrums and all always going on in her life.She has encountered relations with two guys..through social networking sites...and got really serious about them...but the first one turned out to be a dick..who said he wanted someone better looking and left..so I asked her to totally stop communication with him because your not some substance to be treated so..and told her to be with someone who can respect her.

      She did..But what I dint know is...blowing this guy off was not sufficient...because she seemed to be developing a really low self esteem ever since..but has always been sad She used to be happy when.l with me...so I never knew.The next time she comes up and tells me theres this really sensible guy who likes me...and seeks permission from me to get into a relationship..because she really gives my opinion some importance.The guy seemed sensible but I told her...you never know better be friends ....she had already one foot into the realtionship..so I knew that I.couldnt tell anything more.And she also told that I never knew how depressed she was on.the inside and the only way to come out of that was getting into relation with this one.

      Probably I was wrong then to let her decide by herself.

      This guy had been a support to her for a subsequent few days...but got really bored of her problems or whatsoever..and used one of their major fights to leave.Since then ,she kept texting him and calling him in vain and all he replies is saying he was really hurt and would never come back.

      But the actual coz of which they got into a fight was not huge at all that he could get hurt about it forever. I intervened and spoke to him in the beginning in a nice way and letter a bit rough and asking him would he do the same if it was some other relation of his life. Every conversation with him would always end with an affirmation saying he would call but never would...instead would just text her saying,I'm really hurt. I hAving been a person who was in a relation with a guy who was emotionally unavailable totally understood how my friend felt.But in my case my boyfriend always cane back apologising for his behaviour ,but in her case it was not happeneing because That guy seemed to be finding her too needy, sensitive and possessive.He was using his way through to end it.

      I tried to explain her in million ways...people who love you would never leave ..no matter what happens...and I was always with her eversince..she used to get away sometimes having fun..but having taken the blame from the guy she loved that she is negative really ate a part of her soul off.How much ever I tried to make her happy she would never get totally.

      Meanwhile her emotional concentration slowly shifted from him to me...where she thought I was the foremost important person in her life .(.but never totally took my advice..though I dont expect it to happen always.) I had her meet all my friends and my family too and all bonded well .Though she used to constantly get upset whenever she was at her house I used to always take her out with others or somewhere so that she had a better pace in a day....Thats when things were getting tough , I.couldnt meet her everyday.and I.am not a person who is very punctual..and all this kerps pissing her off and she constantly.kept telling me I dont get her situation.She used to feel bad that I always give ptiority to others more than her when all I was doing is just occassionally turning up to my other friends like on their birthday or something.

      I even stopped telling her about my boyfriend issues and even stopped acknowledging him when I was around her.I just wanted her to think there is world out there that loves her if she was ready to live it all.

      Academically also she started getting screwd and as she was my best friend even I was busy helping her so did I

      She has ways to interpret things that I did not mean to hurt her as hurtful things and that I did not give how much she is giving into our relation.But according to me I have .I went out of my ways and helped her many times because I thought she duly deserved it and because she would do the same ..and has also helped me a lot many times.

      But after that everything I do is being judged as whether it was genuine or not by her. And even my family members and friends are being judged by her about whether they love her or not.

      I might have been caught up sometimes with my family issues ..but she always thinks that she is not important to me and only my other friends and family are ,,and all this judgement was based on past events when she has not been that great a friend for me also.

      Recently she got to know the guy she loved was ready to get committed with some other chick who happened to be our friend only..it broke her...but it was after an year after they stopped talking..but the way that guy behaves is like a total people pleaser and could easily flirt with another chick with no hard feelings.And then as she got to know this news because of her bcompelling our other friend to talk it out she snapped at me that I never helped her to know what he truly is.

      Proabbly I dint help her to know him how he is when she is actually not around and had also seen her crying for him and spoiling things a million times...bu t Ive always stayed with her through those times and saw that she was okay at the end and could do her other important things atleast well.

      And as her parents dont approve of her to be very social and all..she has to be most of the time at home..and I have to go to her house only way to meet her.And as she is a bit overweight she has problems of people at her home and outsiders taunting her..But I always told her she was pretty and should believe in it more than anything and even proved it to her many times.

      All in all,I donno when my friend gets happy or sad.She never seems contended.She never seems ready to give all she has to some activity because she thinks she cant do it and I spend half the time telling her she can do it . After that it either gets too late or I loose interest in it .

      Recently she had plans of us shifting together to an apartment to take a course together.I was okay with it But I could because of my family situation

      Now she is caught up in her home in a situation she is not well and her parents are balming her for her unhealthy habits like she is lethargic and she wakes up late in the morning and constantly scold her for being fat and thats what is leading to the health issues.When I turn up to her to make her feel better..she totally made it clear that she could never get better and I dint go by her say that we had to shift to an apartment and thats why she is having all these problems and that I wouldnt understand her until she dies.

      She said that thing which hurt me a lot. I know its okay for her to take it out on me every now and then ...I understand. But it does not mean everytime I can deal with me being called someone who doesnt care when I put so many things aside ..just because I wanted her to have a great life.I seriously dont think she will understand even if I explain.She would only think im like her ex making her feel she is negative.I never want to...thats the reason I never told her she is blaming me too hard.

      She is a sweetheart when it comes to helping me at times...but I really dont know what more to do in this stage

      .I would stay with her no matter what ..but Im just scared that would not make things any better.

      I really need help with this!!

    • profile image

      lily Anne 2 years ago

      I too have a friend of this nature only seems to want you when nobody else is around sickening because she always said she'd like me to meet somebody who would be good and kind to me but then she never thought anything of it when she used to flirt with him whenever i wasnt a round wearing revealing clothing and making sure her body was on display till one nite after we had finished gettin ready for a nite out she decided she would remove her top and stand poised in the bedroom door wearing only her heels tiny skirt and bra all whilst myself and others were downstairs and her comment to my partner was oh i didnt no you wer up here

    • Jan Grossmann profile image

      Jan Grossmann 2 years ago from Czech Republic, Zlín

      Well, maybe we should accept these people as they are. I know it would be nice to talk only with people we like, but we grow and mature when we control our emotions and are able to deal with problematic people. On the other hand, it is important to choose our friends wisely.

    • chaitanyasaivb profile image

      Sai Chaitanya 2 years ago from INDIA

      I can understand the way, you have felt, when you were reading emails, sent by your friend. But, Never give them a second chance. Because, Giving them another chance, will be the worst thing, that we could do in our life. Toxic Friend must be kept away, even if they asks for apologizes, after hurting.

    • profile image

      Unknown 2 years ago

      My friend emotionally abuses me sometimes. She puts me down when she talks sarcastically and tells me that I'm too serious or that she's only joking. But I'm actually getting mad. If I hang out with my other friends she would ask what we did and would say "Oh I see" in a very condescending tone. Or if I talk about my future career she always needs to bring hers up and compare and say that her career doesn't get enough credit and in her tone her career is more important than mine. She just can't be happy for me. I have no idea what to do. I thought she's my friend. We've known each other for 7 years. I always feel like I have to watch what I say with her. If I don't she will grind me for it.

    • profile image

      jean walker 3 years ago

      Jean walker

    • profile image

      Amelia 3 years ago

      I'm in a similar situation with one friend. So I have 2 friends that I'm close to and I invited one friend to go out with me and we didn't tell the other friend (the toxic friend) so she found out and got mad that we didn't invite but the thing is she never has money to do anything and that day she had class. So she wrote me n my other friend and made us feel guilty that we hung out with each other and didn't let her know. I don't know if we were wrong but I seriously wouldn't even care if they were hanging with each other and didn't tell me anyways the toxic friend made me and my other friend feel so guilty that we hung out without her. I't just annoying, so she made my other friend promise her that if me and my other friend do anything with each other my other friend must let her know. I feel like it's not right we should have the right to hang with each other whenever we want and she don't need to know. The toxic friend is always high and drinking she seem cool when she's on stuff but when she's not she is always sad and every little thing we say or do is an issue. Like the other day I had a question about something she always bring up and she wrote me and asked me why i questioned her and wrote this long thing about how it made her feel sad that i questioned her it was just a question and she never answered it. Again she making it like I did something wrong that i questioned her. Im just so exhausted to be around her like anything we say or do hurts her feelings. Like It's annoying I can't stand this shit... and i told her straight out and i told her she don't have to answer my question just forget it i don't care than she writes me and said what u mean u don't care? I told her she don't have to answer the question i don't care for the answer. but seriously it was back and forth she would always make us feel bad for her and feel pity for her and start a fight over the stupidest thing. Like god get over it... Life isn't fair. I feel like I can't hang with my other friend cause oh gee if she finds out she'll get mad at us for not including her it's like what am I in a relationship with her and i need to let her know who I hang out withe. She said the reason y she got mad was because she thought we were a click we do everything together but the problem is she never has money and never can do anything but at the same time she doesn't wanna work much. Sometimes me and my other friend feels used. It's like we always drive her around cuz she can't cuz she always toxicated or high, never offer gas money, always sad and i don't know it's just a negative energy it's so exhausting I dont even wanna hang with her much because of this reason. ALways turning everything on us that we make her feel bad it's like everything makes her feel bad. If we question or say something she don't wanna hear it gonna make her feel bad or we are a negative person. It's like get over the past move on and if we tell her to get over it then she be complaining and making u feel guilty like how can we say that to her. it's like I don''t even wanna give her advice cuz theres no point cuz she would turn it around on u and make u feel bad if she didn't like the answer how u can say that to her. Like ok don't talk to me than if u will not take my advice and turn it around and making us feel pity or get into a fight. It's took much I got kids, work and a life to deal i with. I don't have time for bullshit. I feel like a bad friend to feel this way but my other friend feels the same way. She dwell on everything , we feel like she uses us n she' just depressing to be around. Always crying and complaining bout everything.

    • profile image

      Johnc986 3 years ago

      Hey there! Do you know if they make any plugins to badgfkddfede

    • Gyles Evans profile image

      Gyles Evans 3 years ago from Cedar Rapids, Iowa

      Well its a good thing you let that friend go because that's this cause depression and stress and then they want you to do stuff that you don't want to do and in reality that person that let you go needs you more then you need that person

    • LeslieAdrienne profile image

      Leslie A. Shields 3 years ago from Georgia

      Absolutely... we should judge which friends are good for us by whether they are good to us... We need honesty, but we do not need control.

    • LailaK profile image

      LailaK 3 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

      I recently went through something like this, but the toxic friend ended up ditching me and saying hurtful words. When she wanted my help again, she texted me saying that she misunderstood something I said and explained why she denied all the good I've done for her. No remorse. No applogize. Just like that, she said what she said and left me haunted for almost a month later. Great hub! I totally relate!

    • thom w conroy profile image

      thom w conroy 3 years ago

      What can even be worse than a toxic friend is a toxic in-law....it can't get any more distressful because you're usually stuck with them for life..

    • DChance2 profile image

      DChance 3 years ago

      To the comment above: Tell him that he is right. You are a real n word who is has always been in love with him. Your love for him has no bounds. Your dark skin and his must mix. Ask him if he wants to be in a commented relationship with you. Tell him every night before you sleep you are dripping in sweat. Even your wettest dreams can not compare to the light of day when you can truly see his heart beating only for you. Then, you will hold out your hand. Take it back. Say, "No, you are my friend. I must not love you in that way." Add a little sniffle as if you are going to cry, "I really care about you man. Could you back off?"

    • profile image

      anonymous male 21 3 years ago

      I've been friends with this person 5-6 years. He wasn't toxic during the first 3 years. I have just realized how toxic he is. He constantly calls me faggot and the n word when I'm neither. He constantly says no woman is good for me whether it's friends or romantic interest. He recently found two of my long lost childhood friends and has used one against me. I feel like telling my other friend to save the friendship, but I'm afraid he might tell my toxic friend. He shoots me down every time I want out of the friendship. I want to leave but I'm afraid he'll just ruin more of my friends and friendships. What is the easiest way out? P.S. I've tried verbally telling him and the silent treatment. He doesn't seem to get it.

    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      I am amazed at the amount of comments. I envy that.

      I truly enjoyed this hub. I think it is a great piece of work and creativity. Voted up and away. I am going now to follow you, and I invite you to check out my works and be one of my followers. That would make my day.

      Sincerely,

      Kenneth

      from a small rural town in northwest Alabama

      Reminds me of my own toxic friend in seventh grade. He was so envious, manipulative, and childish, he prevented me from having a good time and good life in those years.

      Thanks for sharing.

      K.

    • profile image

      gabbbie 3 years ago

      Hi, I always had a great group of good and loyal friends growing up. I became best friends with a girl who I grew up with. The part that saddens me is we have been BF for thirty years but over the year she has changed to a toxic friend. So my question is: What do you do when you have been friends for such a long time yet year after year this person who once use to be great, kind, thoughtful and true-now has become a manipulator, user and and completly dishonest?

      We have been friends for so long. But what once use to be kind caring two way street friendship has become one sided. Every time she shows up to meet she waits untill the bill comes and then tells me she has no money-even though we have discusused the money before going out and expects me to front her money. Every year we plan a vacation a year in advance and discuss if that is affordable and how we we will have to both save but at the last minutue once again "something came up" but she inherited enought to buy a mercedes. This is all so sad, but there onse was a beautiful kind caring person there. Do you abandon your friends when they change or is there any way to help such alife long friend??

    • profile image

      Miss my friend 3 years ago

      This is really sad to hear. One of my friend who I really valued cut me out of her life... It breaks my heart because I really miss her. There are a lot of toxic people in my life.... They are dragging me down... these people were dragging down her down as well. She had known this group for over 5 years and introduced me to my boyfriend. She was in a relationship with one if my boyfriends friends.

      But after her partner ended it she managed to distance herself and make friends with a really nice group of people.

      This toxic group continues to hurt and disrespect me and put me down.

      I know she knows what I am going through. I don't blame her for for cutting me out... Because I am not the best at making decisions at the moment for myself or for my friendships.

      But I could really wish i had her by my side right now telling me that I'm strong, telling me I deserve better and helping guide me down the right path.

      I know I need her more then she needs me. I needed a support person so much... That I forgot to embrace this person who I love and care about... I forgot about the importance of happiness and friendship.

    • profile image

      Andrew Burgon 3 years ago

      Good call, Kaylee.

      I have adopted a 'vibrant and fresh' protocol in my life. I draw close to myself the best, most vibrant friendships I can in my life and let them fill my mind. I also let go of those friendships that continually bother me.

      Andrew Burgon

      Project Fellowship

    • profile image

      willofgod4me 3 years ago

      I made the break from my toxic friend or more like frenemy. The rag was tore off the bush over the weekend. It had been building and I had made up my mind I did not want to keep it up. She had invited me to her place for her boyfriend's birthday and I was miserable because he hates me and has backstabbed me like a 1000 times. I was sitting there praying to God to provide me an out and He did. A moment came when something distasteful was said and I scowled and he repiled by telling me if I didn't like it I could get the hell out and I gathered myself up and said fine by me and left. I called her and told her I would tolerate no more that I was done. We had one more incident that day and it ended with me hearing a very revealing voicemail recording that had her and him talking about me and they did not/do not realize their phone was recording and I heard it. I did not respond and simpky said the heck with it I am better off. I don't think she really appreciated me but instead I was more of a pawn she could use to irritate him-it is a constant thing and I want no part of such drama nor do I need such toxic individuals in my life.

    • Levertis Steele profile image

      Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

      This makes me check myself. I do not want to be a toxic friend, and I hope I am not.

      Where is the author?

    • profile image

      Anashra Asim Butt 3 years ago

      I am having a toxic friend help me to get rid of her... :( :( :(

    • profile image

      willofgod4me 3 years ago

      I am in the process of having to ditch a frenemy. My issue with this person is that why she has shown some amount of kindness to me she at the same time has some very bad habits and personal issues that are of a potential risk to my overall well being. She has a bad habit of not heeding caution whereas other toxic people are concerned and when she lets them in to her life she also causes that baggage to be a risk to others around her and it has weighed me down to the point it has made me physically and emotionally ill plus there is the fact that I obviously cannot trust her to keep her word to me that she will use caution and now I have ot be even more guarded because of her unwillingess to be as guarded as she should be. I have tried to explain myself until I am blue in the face to no avail so the only thing I can do is to begin making myself unavailable to her. It still concerns me that I will have to be on guard against others she was too naïve to get involved with. She complains about the trouble they cause her yet she shows me no signs of trying to do anything about it and it is not a risk I am willing to take as I have been damaged too many times in the past already due to similar circumstances. I am an introvert by nature and don't "need" friends-I do like to go to church but not to socialize and that is where my main contact with her came about but as with any other similar person you just need to do what you know you must and go on about your way so you can have peace and stay on your given path. You can't change them-you can only change yourself.

    • profile image

      keely 3 years ago

      My now former best friend of 25 years or so turned really toxic once I got married. It seems she is envious of everything, so I never talk about the positives in my life. Recently, we traveled together, along with a few other much younger women (whom I didn't know) and she basically ignored me most of the trip. We only see each other once a year and this has never happened before. I am a couple of years older and am choosing the aging gracefully route, while she is exploring injectables and god knows what else to look younger - which I think irks her on many levels as I am no longer a mirror. She insulted me several times over the trip - now I am done with her toxic, very low self-esteem. When we went our separate ways at the airport I made the choice never to see her again. Of course, being the toxic narcissists that she is she sensed my agitation. She called me the next day to talk about some guy, and when we hung up I said, "I love you ####" knowing it will be the last thing she ever hears out of my mouth. The last few years I thought she was having a mid-life crisis, but now I don't know what to think. I believe she is one of those people you have to love from afar. One last thing, how do I unfriend her on FB? Maybe she will unfriend me, a girl can dream.

    • profile image

      Keely 3 years ago

      My now former best friend of 25 years or so turned really toxic once I got married. It seems she is envious of everything, so I never talk about the positives in my life. Recently, we traveled together, along with a few other much younger women (whom I didn't know) and she basically ignored me most of the trip. We only see each other once a year and this has never happened before. I am a couple of years older and am choosing the aging gracefully route, while she is exploring injectables and god knows what else to look younger - which I think irks her on many levels as I am no longer a mirror. She insulted me several times over the trip - now I am done with her toxic, very low self-esteem. When we went our separate ways at the airport I made the choice never to see her again. Of course, being the toxic narcissists that she is she sensed my agitation. She called me the next day to talk about some guy, and when we hung up I said, "I love you ####" knowing it will be the last thing she ever hears out of my mouth. The last few years I thought she was having a mid-life crisis, but now I don't know what to think. I believe she is one of those people you have to love from afar. One last thing, how do I unfriend her on FB? Maybe she will unfriend me, a girl can dream.

    • Hendrika profile image

      Hendrika 3 years ago from Pretoria, South Africa

      I always say rather completely alone than with a toxic friend. Come to think of it, it must be the reason why I choose my friends carefully and I do not have that many friends.

    • profile image

      Hannah 3 years ago

      Thanks for posting. I had a toxic friendship with two sisters, who befriended me and my best friend, it lasted from 3rd grade to freshmen year, and messed me up a lot. I say it was an emotionally abusive relationship, though a lot of people would scoff at that, but it was. They mistreated me, tore my friend and me apart, made me dependent on our friendship, stole from me, lied to me, played mind games that left me confused and blaming myself. I found small ways to rebel and get back at them, and became cynical about the relationship, even though I needed their approval. I spent years with my mouth shut, believing I was stupid, ugly, and that nobody wanted to see or be near me. I didn't know how to get away, and it was by a miracle, that they simply got bored of me and moved on. I plowed through highschool with my head down, and made it out with two friends and a few acquaintances who were very nice to me, but I didn't really start healing until I graduated. I had a reality check recently, and was surprised to hear myself say, I never thought I would ever feel this confident or loved again. God is good; very good.

    • lilcupcake profile image

      lilcupcake 3 years ago

      Just a few months ago a got rid of one of these people. she hadn't always been that way, so i thought it was a phase because of something she was going through. so i decided to stick with her and be by her side. until months passed, and she kept treating me worse and worse every day. I'm a sickly person, and i have responsibilities which she never did. so if i couldn't go hang out with her and do whatever she wanted when she wanted, i was being a terrible friend. note, she called me every day multiple times a day demanding i be with her. there were times i said i was busy and she would should still show up at my house.

      One day, i told her i was sick and i had to cancel our plans for the next day. she got mad at me, instead of checking to see if i had a seizure and was in the freaking hospital; then i was done. i told her how she treated me and i couldn't deal with it anymore, and like you she blamed me for everything then tried to act like since we talked about it everything was okay. Well, that was our last conversation. i didn't even bother taking the time to tell her i wasn't going to be her friend, it would have been a waste of energy and another fight.

      Now, she has alienated me from most of the town. No one else really likes her, but i can't go a lot of places without running into her. mostly because she forces herself onto people, like she was doing to me. She's convinced a lot of people i don't do things because im stuck up, not because im sick and have seizures. but if they don't take the time to ask me about it and just want to walk out of my life, no body is locking the door. they can go.

    • profile image

      Kyndrid 3 years ago

      It is weird hey. I mentioned to her "none of my other friends talk to me the way I do" she just mentions back "well, they don't know you like I do, or as long as I have" something to that affect.

      There is another girl I hung out as well since High School who has seen that side of me and she does not treat me like that at all (in fact none of my other friends do), she and the others treat me with respect and as an equal which is great so that blows her theory and re affirms to me that this is just this girl's problem. It has nothing to do with me.

      Oh this took me years to realise how unhealthy this friendship was as well. I had just ignored her behaviour cause she was okay when she was not like that in the past.

      Just glad I did not let it get to me to much before with this girl but now being in my 30's. I think as I am getting older I tend to be less tolerable of people's bullshit like this and just want people who are real and true in my life. I agree. I don't want people like that around either!

      I don't even understand why people get like this with others. I mean I prefer uplifting others, making people happy. I think it is pretty sad that people feel the need that they have to bring you down to feel better about themselves. I am so glad I am not like that.

      When you have good friends in your life who respect, support and encourage you compared to the toxic ones we have had to deal with Zara. You do appreciate the good friends more and learn what to look out for if you run into bad friends later on down the track and get rid of toxic people sooner. After having to deal with that in the past.

      Yes it intrigues me why these types of people would still want to keep people they think so little of and treat you poorly around. I mean I would not want to be friends with someone I did not respect, trust or thought so little of.

    • profile image

      Zara 3 years ago

      I agree. It is very confusing when a "friend" treats you so poorly and with such little respect and then wants to hang out with you. My "friend" will call me on the phone and want to talk for hours (mainly about herself) and send me text messages telling me I'm her best friend. Then the next time I see her she will be, as you describe above, downright rude-- whether it be aggressive comments or a not-so-subtle dig. I tried to explain that this behavior is confusing and that there is no consistency.

      It took me years to realize how unhealthy this friendship was and now that I finally have I feel so liberated. Spending time with this "friend" was draining emotionally and took a hit on my self-esteem. No "friend" should ever belittle you or make you feel insecure.

      I have no time for "friends" like this in my life. I have plenty of friends who respect me, support me, and encourage me to be the kind person that I am. I no longer try to understand WHY someone would think it is ok to treat others so poorly. I have accepted that this "friend" must be very unhappy with herself and that I am better off without her. I hope this helps!

    • profile image

      Kyndrid 3 years ago

      Oh and I did not actually crash that bike either I slid it on purpose because I knew I was going to crash lol. But yeah. It is confusing when they still want to hang out with you, when they act like that with you.

    • profile image

      Kyndrid 3 years ago

      In regards to Zara's post. When I read it I felt as if I could have written those words about this 'so called' friend I have in my life.

      Known her for 15, 20 years. Ever since High School. We are both in our 30's now. I was quiet and shy back then. Not as much anymore but she obviously, still sees me that way.

      At times she is fine to hang out with. Other times though she will be really judgemental, critical, point out my flaws and just down right rude.

      Examples: I had done a Zumba class with her one day, she couldn't dance. In response to that "oh we found something you are better then me at" another time a group of us were at this thing. She wasn't going one week. Her older friends 10 year old son was there I was like "I will take him under my wing that week. She replied with "you would not be on the same intelligence level as him." After a small car accident, "such a (my name) thing to do" had never been in one before. So I just thought seriously?!

      I even got snapped at aggressively at times for the smallest things.

      Example: When I got handed a packet of chocolate to pass around to our group. I took my time with it because I did not know how many there were. She yanks the packet out of my hand aggressively in a huff murmuring that I was hopeless at such a simple task and hands them out herself. Just thought whatever and let her do it herself.

      Even on FB she had a pic of us when we went bike riding and could not help but mention me crashing the bike 2, possibly 3 times. Did not mention that I had not ridden a bike in around 5, 10 years. Thought I did pretty good there considering! Ha ha. I mentioned that underneath the photo and just laughed it off.

      It left me thinking WTF? Cause all I have ever been is nice to her.

      Learnt to just ignore it in the past, did kill her with kindness, never took what she said personally, never lowered myself to that level. It still continued.

      Now that I am in my 30's getting less tolerable of this type of behaviour.

      The last straw was at this trivia thing she invited me to. According to her, I was not behaving the right way. I even got accused of ruining the night once or twice.

      All I ever was, was friendly with everyone. She said I could invite other people along. I did. When my friend and I spoke quietly amongst ourselves, that was not acceptable.

      Thought the host was really cute and he and I flirted occasionally. That was a huge no, no as well. Regardless of the fact that he and I were both single and that he started that. Got a hey gorgeous and beautiful from time to time. Touching on back, shoulder arm and just general chit chat other times to. Good ego boost right there. Enjoyed the attention. There was a bit of an age gap between he and I (mid 30's being I and 50 being him he looked mid 40's) though which she did not approve of at all.

      When I would have even just one drink. She always advised me against it cause 'she felt responsible for me' I was 2 years older then her and would never go over the limit when driving. Roll eyes. I have gotten the 'I feel responsible for you' spiel from her before. Leaves me thinking huh?

      I was in a TV studio a week ago and acted exactly the same way there. In a more professional environment. Might I add. It was a news program. Talked quietly amongst people once or twice while they were filming. No one cared. Seemed more laid back there then at this Trivia thing, which is supposed to be in a more relaxed environment.

      Just feel like I am walking on egg shells when I hang out with her. Thinking is the next thing I say gonna be considered dumb? Is my behaviour around her going to be 'acceptable' today?

      I also don't feel like I can be my true self around her. So do revert back to being quiet when I hang out with her. I think with myself being that way it suits her personality more. Maybe that is why she got a little bit weird on me, with Trivia. I broke out of that mould a little and it freaked her out a bit. Who knows.

      In regarding this. I have distanced myself off from her the last few months. Felt bad when she has sent texts wondering what I am up to and stuff and replying that I am busy to those but just over all this bullshit from her.

      She has sent texts wanting to hang out since though. Just say that I am busy but why if someone thinks that little of you, would they still want to hang out with you?!!

    • profile image

      Smartgirlnow 3 years ago

      She is envious of you. Trust me. This is her way to lash out and it is sign of major insecurity. Kill her with kindness and do not let her get you down. Once you have it figured out, her stuff will not even bother you anymore. I have found that dealing with these kind of people is to limit time with them but since they are also family friends, be positive and pleasant if/when your paths cross. I would TOTALLY ignore her rude comments. I have made me my best friend and use positive self-talk to get through these situations (a few glasses of wine help too). I had a cousin like this growing up. We were like sisters but she belittled me and I was so used to this type of treatment that it felt natural so I transitioned to other bully girls through out my youth and it was not until I 'grew up' was more confident and successful in my career etc. A new friend drew it to my attention one day asking me if I was sure this was my 'best friend because she sure is mean to you'. It is almost like being in an abusive relationship, it may start of so subtle and before you know it, your self esteem is hovering at such a low ebb, you do not even realize that you are being abused! Google "Friends for a Reason, Friends for a Season" verse. It has helped me a lot when I have had painful friendship issues. Not sure if you are religious but there is also another verse from Mother Teresa: Do It Anyway. Hope this helps!

    • profile image

      Zara 3 years ago

      Thanks! This definitely helps. I think the final straw for me was at my brothers wedding. She was invited along with her family (our parents are friends also which makes this all more awkward) and she always finds a way to ruin important events for me. She was calling me awkward and kept making rude comments. This is such typical behavior and I'm sick of it. It is always as though she has to be the center of attention even if it's at my expence. Is this typical of toxic friends?

    • profile image

      Smartgirlnow 3 years ago

      In answer to Zara - the key is to make yourself happy. When we get happy, confident and secure in ourselves, these mean girls will not be able to subject their abuse on us. I have experienced similar behaviour from my so-called friends and having worked in a female dominated environment for 30+ years - trust me, a lot of women just want to one-up, compete and be the prettiest, smartest and most popular. Because our personality is non-confrontational and I have experienced many of the same issues you describe, these bully-type women find friends like us that put up with their put-downs so they can feel superior. It took me until I was in my 40's to get a backbone and speak up for myself. I hope I do not sound too jaded because I am not saying ALL women are like this - but I have observed a lot of it in my almost 50 years especially growing up in a large extended family with cousins, aunts, in-laws etc. Once you educate yourself on the behaviour - it really helps. Like Eleanor Roosevelt "No one can make you inferior without your consent". If your friend is work trying to explain that you no longer will tolerate her put-downs but if not, move on and you will find genuine people that do value your kindness and friendship.

    • profile image

      Zara 3 years ago

      I have been in a toxic friendship for about 15 years. In recent years it has become almost unbearable and essentially had to end the friendship. I am a shyer, introverted type and this friend is very loud and abrasive. By nature I would consider myself an honest person and always try my best to do the "right" thing and treat others how I would like to be treated. My toxic friend is quick to point out my flaws and is extremely judgemental of others. She loves to bring up embarassing stories about me from years ago in large groups of people. I tried to explain how the constant criticism and the constant need to make fun of me is emotionally draining and just too much but she did not seem to get it. Instead she told me that I am too sensitive.

      Am I crazy or is this manipulative behavior? How could someone argue that this childish behavior is ok? I have never had anyone belittle me the way this girl has. She continues to contact me and wants to continue the friendship but how can I be friends with someone who can't even understand that this is wrong?

      Please help!

    • profile image

      Sharon 3 years ago

      I am so thankful for these blogs. When you are dealing with the demise of a friendship - it is rare to find a confidant to be able to explain or understand the feelings we experience. I had a friend unfriend me on Facebook . When I reflect on the history of our friendship, she was very envious and I realize she only kept me as a 'wing man' because I was older, fatter yet if I got any attention - she would be livid and sabotage any way possible. Never ever gave me a compliment that I can re-call in our almost 20 year friendship. I always encouraged her and gave her compliments. I introduced her to my friends and she e-mail them and exclude me from things yet would never include me in her other activities. If I ever shared my crushes - she would hit on them yet later say how disgusting they were. I also am an introvert and do not have many friends and find it difficult to make friends very easily. These experiences have made me even more wary of women friends. Thanks for 'listening'.

    • profile image

      monica 3 years ago

      My name is Roland monica from Houston,taxes.i never believed in love spells or magic until i met this spell caster once. when i went to Africa in June 28th 2013 this year on a business summit. i ment a man called DR omoba. He is powerful he could help you cast a spells to bring back my love’s gone,misbehaving lover looking for some one to love you, bring back lost money and magic money spell or spell for a good job.i’m now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 3 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 2 years… i really loved him, but his mother was against me and he had no good paying job. so when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him..at first i was undecided,skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. and in 6 days when i returned to taxes, my boyfriend (is now my husband ) he called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married..i didn’t believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do… well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid,and my husband also got a new job and our lives became much better. in case anyone needs the spell caster for some help, email address: dromobaspellhome@gmail.com

    • profile image

      Irythom 3 years ago

      And another thing... Now that I now realize that I was in a mentally abusive TOXIC friendship, I know why she "told" me that we were best friends 24 years ago. She saw that I was loyal. I'm loyal to ALL of my friends. As the years passed, I've always been there for her despite her controlling and judgemental ways. She often set the ground rules for "best friends" by saying "I'll never tell your business". "if anyone bothers my best friend, I'll kill em". So I thought she was sincere. No. She said that because she knew my loyalty would do the same with her. She married her high school sweetheart and I've never been married. I would share dating stories with her and if I found someone I liked, she would plant a negative seed about him. If I chose to deal with a guy on a "friends with benefit" level, she'll say "have a bit of respect for yourself". She's been married forever and it's easy for her to judge single life. No guy met her approval. I thought "since we're best friends", I want her to like him. So when I would say something nice about him, she'll shrug it off. She made comments about her friends/family's success's being undeserved because she was more qualified. If she didn't acquire the same things, she'd be depressed asking "what did I do wrong"? That should've made me realize more of how she was. She often called me to get her out of her depressed moods. At the time, she was well advanced in her career than me, but I gave her encouragement and took the abuse because I was loyal and that's what a best friend should be. I felt drained every time I was around her. I tried to cut her off, but she told me that my negative mood toward her was because I was grieving my father's death. I thought she was right and she manipulated herself into my life again. So, for years, I've been tolerating her because she's lost many friends being toxic. She talked about her friends cutting her off to me and I used to feel sorry for her by encouraging her that it was their problem. Shoot, I wish I'd cut of off as well. My friends warned me about her, but I dismissed it thinking "she did throw me a surprise birthday party".. or "she did give me expensive gifts for xmas, so she must've not meant the things she did to me". Bull.. Now I know she did those nice things for to feel better about treating me so badly. The last straw was that every time I would send her a pic of me at a gathering, or me with a new hairdo, or me dressed up for new years' eve, she wouldn't comment on how I looked. She would complement the others who are in the pic with me as if I wasn't there. I gave her chance after chance to prove me wrong. I sent one last pic of me and my sister hoping that she would comment on me. It was obvious that I looked different with long hair. She commented "your sister looks really nice". There's no need for me to mention it because it's not worth it. She would only justify it by saying that she didn't like my hair so she didn't say anything. But dang. What about a sideway comment like, I like your dress. Heck. She never complimented before my new look. She's toxic and now I realize that she's jealous of me. It does hurt knowing after all of these years, I've hung in there giving her chance after chance, but she always prove me wrong.

    • profile image

      Irythom 3 years ago

      My so called best friend used her controlling ways to tell me that we are best friends. I put up with her crap for years. No wonder I had a pit in my gut about her. I would dismiss that feeling because she would slip up and be nice to me. Then when she needs an ego boost, she'll criticise me. It's time for her to go.

    • Kathleen Cochran profile image

      Kathleen Cochran 3 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

      For more than four years this hub has generated comments because so many of us have been in the same situation. Mine was with my sister, and like you, attacking my children was where I finally drew the line. After two years of not speaking, we agreed to disagree for the sake of our mother and began a new relationship but with definite boundaries. It wasn't that I couldn't forgive. I couldn't not know what I knew about my sister. So my defenses were always going to be up when they hadn't been before. Today, we are actually quite close. The death of our mother drew us together.

      My daughter dealt with a toxic friendship through high school and college. Finally as adults my daughter called her friend on what she was doing and the friend honestly made an effort to change. I think the friend could make those changes as an adult (and had seen the damage she'd done to herself) that she couldn't make as a teenager.

      Many people have benefited from your hub. That's a great accomplishment.

    • profile image

      rachel 3 years ago

      Toxic friend alert! Beware of friends like anna!

    • profile image

      Michelle 3 years ago

      I'm glad I don't have these kind of people in my life. It's a shame that some people are so toxic. Look life is a struggle people! One looks to find love, friendship, yourself,etc why live your life just in the struggle stage? Dwelling on things that in reality don't matter, someone else's life should not concern you, if they are happy that is all you should ever want as a FRIEND. The end result is...we all just want to be happy, So criticizing and judging someone else's life is not what you do as a friend. Be a friend to someone by just being there. Friends drift apart and may not talk for a while but..it's LIFE, and it does get in the way sometimes, as you get older things become more important, family, marriages, and jobs. These things are all a sign of getting older and wiser. I respect anyone who changes for the better. A sign of immaturity and jealousy is someone worrying about themselves and saying things like, "you said we were friends but I guessed that's changed since you've got a new ...this or that."the true sign of a toxic person is someone asking you, " When did you change?" The only thing you should be asking them is why haven't you?? Change is a good word if used properly, it's acknowledging you've pointed out where you've gone wrong and fixed it. If your car tire went flat would you still drive on it? Or get out and fix the problem. If everyone did this our friendships and relationships with people would get better. So if you know someone like this article please take a step back from things let them sort out the ugliness they put on others. This is truly the best thing you can do for them as a good friend. Live life and be happy for the things you have not what you could have, its about the present, so why don't we be present and take charge of our actions. Xoxo

    • profile image

      Janet 4 years ago

      I've also had a horrible friend. It's really funny though, because nobody liked her and I was willing to be her friend. She became influential and became really close to my cousin. She would always compare me and my cousin and made me feel less than her. She always embarrassed me and made me feel worthless. Than when I would stand up to her, she would act like the best friend in the whole world. She made me feel ugly inside, stole all my friends, and made me feel like the loser cousin. She publicly humiliated me and I wouldn't stand up to her. She ruined my life and I became depressed and I wasn't the same person I used to be. I had no interests and made horrible grades. I forgot who I was and became reclusive. Now that I don't have her in my life, I am much happier. I know who I am now and love life. I have changed, but I know how to stand up for myself and I respect myself. I should have stood up for myself since the beginning, but I learned a valuable lesson.

    • profile image

      unfriend you 4 years ago

      I have a friend who has done most things on this blog. It annoys me to realize that she is toxic and I had to learn it the hard way. We have been long time friends. She is very nice, fun, and outgoing. While I was her friend, I had no friends. We went to the same schools. It was hard to make new friends as she saw me going in one direction, she beats me before I get there. She always wanted to be first in everything even in befriending the people that I wanted to be friends with. Many years have gone by now. She is still the same. She is very influential and tells people things that I tell her. She is a real diaster to have in life.

    • profile image

      Sandra 4 years ago

      Few things that I want to add to the comment above. Lessons that I have learned is if you let things go thinking it's ok, you have made a big mistake. This would occur in the future which would only get you later on and eat you up inside. If a friend can't act like a grown up and you give them chances to change, you might as well move on and find a new friend. And be sure never let them back in your life. If you think talking to them occasionally wouldn't hurt, wrong. They would try to find every little way to get back in your life (from asking others or talking to mutual friends about you). Also, the toxic friend can also conceal her ugly side by portraying a nice exterior to everyone that she encounters and if you tell others about her others most likely won't believe you because they never got that treatment from her nor do they have the things that she is jealous of/admire of them to be her target. In addition, never fall for anyone who is too helpful. Chances are they are out to lure you, and blind fold you to their hidden agenda.

    • profile image

      Sandra 4 years ago

      This post is dead on. For many years I thought I had an issue. I thought I was a bad person, but lately I have been doing numerous amount of self reflection and realized many things. I have a friend whom I have known for 10+ years. She appears to be a nice friend and gets along with everyone. As for me I am rather shy and introverted. I have don't have much friends. Over the years I have realized I have been isolated by this "best friend" of mine. All the people that I try to be friends with end up being closer friends to her and they rarely talk to me. She has kept me isolated to her own benefit and keeps me around as a constant friend all to herself. She has many friends and she would hang out with them. When I start to go off on my own to make friends she would come back instantly. I had told her about how I felt, she asks me "are you saying I'm preventing you from making friends?". On the outside she appears to be a big sister helping me with this helping me with that, but there were times that I didn't need the help but I just let her do it anyways since I didn't want to make a fuss over it. Sometimes I feel like our friendship isn't equal. I feel taken advantage of but I didn't want to tell her how I felt because they were small issues and I didn't want to appear to be needy and have princess syndrome. There were times when I get to the point of frustration and don't say anything. A lot of feelings get pent up and I think this is when I seem like the bad person. Her friends would always side with her and as for me I was by myself all isolated. I felt very depressed. She is very persuasive. She tells me how the people she hangs around thinks about me (negative things). I think the reason I kept her around because she helps me at times but what I didn't realize was she was more detrimental than helpful. She slanders and gossips and manipulates. She likes to gain people's trust and play messenger. She tells person A a negative thing about person B has said about her and then elicit a negative response from person A and goes back to tell person B. In other words she likes to create opposition between me and other people. She was toxic for sure. There were many circumstances that brought us together and it was hard to avoid her. It was a vicious cycle between us. There were times we were very close and then there were times we don't talk. I am quite simple and genuine and I usually tell her how my life is (which I think was overly stupid of me which made me an easy target). But as for her she doesn't tell you about her life unless you pry her with questions. When I realized this I began to tell her less things about me. As an introvert, I don't have much going on in life. When I don't talk as much about myself at times she probably saw me hiding things from her. She would go in depth to ask about my life. This made me very uncomfortable and yet I felt obligated to answer her questions because I am her friend. This went on for many years sadly. She had no boundary with questions and I felt violated by her at times. She always wanted what I have. I had a lot of guys liking me and she didn't. I tried to down play it during those times because I couldn't do anything it. Up to this day, I have things that she wants. I have tried talking to her less as I realized what kind of person she is. All along I thought I was the bad person but I began to see the true side of her. Late but I still have time to run for my life

    • profile image

      Sandra 4 years ago

      Can I post without an account?

    • profile image

      mew 4 years ago

      Oh yeah..toxic all right. I don't know why I found it so comforting to read the above posts. probably to realise I'm not alone. I cut a toxic friend from my life three years ago. This week she tried to communicate but I quickly blocked her on chat.

      My friend and I met in college. I came from a troubled background and was often depressed. my friend made disparaging remarks about my depression to others and avoided me when I was low (I'd sit quietly and only reply in monosyllabic manner, no violence or anger). After a few people told me about it, I decided to work on myself instead of judging or blaming her. I turned my life around. Got a good job, an apartment, became more social, more cheerful... Then this friend started making disparaging remarks about my new life. She'd ring me up and laugh off my promotions, my new friends, my social life. If anything went wrong, she'd sit with this gleeful look on her face. Sent me cutting messages when I got rid of a toxic relative. After she got married her Mother in law and brother in law showed big interest inknowing me so she fed them a bunch of lies about me (I lived in a different city so it's not like I'd have taken over her life). The axe came when she called me and kept repeatedly being nasty despite me showing concern for her and trying my hardest to keep the conversation civil. After a while, it just got to me and I made a snide comment back, she quickly said "bye". usually, this was the cue in our communication for me to apologise and listen to her rudeness some more. I just said "bye" and hung up. changed my number the next day.

      I feel really silly for having supported her through break ups and lows and difficult situations. when I look back at our friendship, I realise she made me miss good opportunities like when an internationally known photographer wanted to click my pics after seeing me at a theatre rehearsal, and she talked me out of it. Or when a group of girls invited me to a party after a talk but she refused to go so I had no choice but to accompany her back.

      She's out of my life and she's staying there.

    • profile image

      martina 4 years ago

      My ex toxic friend exhibited all of the above behaviors when things started to go bad with one exception: instead of going after my husband's affection, she did it with my kids. She started trying to outmom me with my own kids. That was the ultimate last straw. I sent her an email about this and she replied that she was giving my kids the extra attention I couldn't give them and she was not sorry that she is a more nurturing person than me. She is not. I broke off all contact and she is trash talking me to anyone who will listen. Now she has a new BFF. She will be next on the chopping block.

    • profile image

      Starz 4 years ago

      I have had this complex relationship with my friend foe 16 years it started with her being interested in me sexually but I could not reciprocate though I loved her very much

      Through the years we have kept our friendship but she is always very passive aggressive calls me only when she's down then she can be caring and flirtatious

      I was always there for her evn got her a job in my work

      Now she's friends with a girl half her age and is being dismissive of me

      She even humiliates me in front of her

      I was angry and sad too, finally I told her I was done with her, she said, good

      I am so depressed week later I apologized in an email, she totally ignored that and did not respond

      What should I do

    • profile image

      Red on the head 4 years ago

      I watched my toxic friend be toxic to her husband, her son, her grandsons

      and even a lady her brother was married to. I need to get her out of my

      life and keep her out of it. She tries to invite herself over and ambushed

      my ex husband out in the yard the other day. I was nice but good and rude

      about rushing her off.

    • profile image

      ridiculouslyperfectlyimperfect 4 years ago

      YEP

      Mine does this to me all the time. She pounds on my door, shows up at all times even though she knows i don't like company that much, invites me to crap i hate (sports) and then makes me pay the parking fees.....and gas too for that matter, she has a knack at winning tickets, makes me take her to the station to pick them up then divies them up to all her other friends though im the one that actually did all the money part of it. Im sick of it too.. then, to top it all off she calls me to tell me she gave the tickets that were to be mine to someone else. why the heck would she do that? IM SO DONE

    • profile image

      Sandrine.NYC 4 years ago

      i felt that my long term friendship with my bestfriend isn't right anymore. So i met this girl when i was in college.and as a teenager as i want to be popular and be cool in the eyes of society.me and my so called best friend always party almost everynight.so many immoral things we shared...even if its againts my values..i joined her engaged insex,boys,stealing,vices.etc..to be accepted.i think that's what bonded us..but on the other hand when we were sober,she's so sweet..giving me presents,giving advices and always keeping in touch..i felt loved and accepted..then she stopped college..and i continue.. Few years later,i realized im not getting any younger so i decided to stop my stupidity and focus on my future, i met my fiancée and we had a life together...on the other hand my bestfriend always invite me to hangout and party and do business with her but i don't like it anymore.its not my priority.maybe i was also a bad friend for always declining but it didn't felt right anymore...that's when the time she attacked me with hurtful words .i always declined to her invites because i had my own priorities.i told her that i she made me feel that im the most pessimistic person.she got mad if i declined to her agendas, telling me its for my own good and making me believe its an oppurtunity for me.making me a shoulder to cry on because of her stupid decisions in business and unfaithful boyfriend causes me to be burned to emotionally and physically since she want to talk for 15 hours.those triggered me to also nag about negative side of my life..and i felt bad about it...i want to be there for her but i know for a fact i got my own things to do.besides i felt that she's using me somehow and influencing me to substance abuse,she believe i need to hangout with her because she can give me so many oppurtunities.she's so self centered,she belive she's an expert,full of drama about her body,lovelife and money.when i'm with her my mind is poisoned.in one way or another she has helped me but she also contributed to my wrong actions although i'm accountable for it but shes too clingy and want to influence all your decisions.i want to save the friendship but i need to save my self first...i have changed to be a better Christian and repent for my sins. I felt that our relationship isn't right anymore,i followed my heart and values which is differon froms hers..getting rid of people who take me away from Christ..i had peace thats's what matter the most

    • profile image

      Cristina 4 years ago

      I have a toxic friend in my life right now. He doesn't call me & when he does contact me, its just to use me to get what he wants. I keep this toxic friend in my life because i care a lot about him & my heart loves him very much. I hurt everyday because this friend is causing me pain. What do i do? Someone out there please give me advice.

    • profile image

      thess 5 years ago

      What if your "toxic" friend is a christian. You go in the same church. How can I have a Christlike heart and attitude towards her?

    • mismazda profile image

      mismazda 5 years ago from a southern georgia peach

      Yeap I had a toxic friend, and I had to end that friendship....exspecially when she started telling petty lies on me....voted up.

    • profile image

      Rebekah 5 years ago

      That's a great list, Anne, so helpful! I'm going to write it down!

    • profile image

      Someone else 5 years ago

      Christopher please read all the posts before yours- you will learn all the signs of a toxic 'friend' and the harm they do. You'll see from other's experiences that a toxic friendship is NOT something you have to endure and settle for. These people have personality defects which make them this way-you do not need to be their doormat to wipe their feet on.They operate from a completely different level from others, they need to put others down to feel good about themselves, any relationship with a toxic "friend" is a one sided one. Its likely that your experience of being bullied at school has damaged your self esteem and subconsciously you have been vunerable to being treated less than you deserve by this current toxic person- who's abusive behaviour only continues as long as theres someone who will take it (even if its something you've only recently become aware of) Do not believe for one more minute that just because they're your only "friend"?this HAS to continue. Just be otherwise busy when they come over (even if you have to invent things!)Distance yourself from this 'friendship' & you will find a new found strength and pride in yourself-those qualities will help you to make new friends in time.

    • profile image

      christopher warren 5 years ago

      I went through 3 years of bullying at school. I now at the ripe age of 24 have a really toxic friendship.He always abusing me and making me feel so worthless. He always comes to my house and I don't know what to do. He is the only friend I have. ):

    • profile image

      Mary 5 years ago

      My relationship with my older sister (by 14 years) has had its ups and downs. I finally gave up after decades of abuse, backstabbing, and attacks. Listening to her complaints and gossip three or four times a day wore me down. I'm done. A toxic personality if there ever was one. I liked the comment about how can people like this think their behavior is appropriate in any way. I can answer this--from dealing with Sis, she is a complete narcissist. They never think they are wrong, are usually martyrs, and viciously attack everyone and everything. Everything, EVERYTHING, is an issue. I love this woman as my sister and wish her well. This is the most Christian attitude I can come up with at this time.

      Sign me,

      Relieved to have taken my life back in Minnesota.

    • profile image

      kaela 5 years ago

      i have a friend at school that i care about but she turned the tables on me when i snapped at her once for bugging me. when i said i was sorry she than started a personal grudge against me in attempt to hurt me...she was nice to everyone else except me.later she snapped at a friend of hers and she said sorry and they made up instantly, i don't understand our relationship anymore. im going to break it off tomorrow.

    • Glenn Stok profile image

      Glenn Stok 5 years ago from Long Island, NY

      Reading your Hub and reading through some of the comments I see that it is quite common for people to have toxic friends. I had a friend that I've known since the age of five who turned out to be very toxic later in life. There were many clues in our childhood, but I ignored them.

      When he got married he began abusing his wife from the beginning. That's when I realized that I did not want this person in my life as a friend. But being a childhood friend I continued on.

      I changed my mind and decided to end the friendship when he started asking me to lie to his wife. His wife divorced him and he continued to ask me to lie to her so that he could avoid paying child support. I kept out of it as much as I could. But it was not comfortable.

      I didn't want to be in the middle of all this and that's when I finally ended it. I sent him a four-page letter explaining how I felt. But he was in such denial he couldn't understand a word I'm saying. He claimed, insread, that his ex was brainwashing me. That really doesn't matter. The point is I don't have to communicate with him anymore.

    • profile image

      cmrg 5 years ago

      I am going thru this very thing right now. I have done not only a lot for this girl, and always been there for her whenever she wanted me to, but I have done a great amount for her family as well. I turned down a job as a matter of fact so that I could help the family out while they were going thru a hard time. It apparently doesn't matter to them, they have stabbed me in the back and thrown me to the curb all because I am finally standing up for myself.

      I have anxiety and I am always afraid that when things like this happen there will be the backlash and the slander. It is ridiculous, and this just shows me that things will be ok. Thank you for this.

    • profile image

      Someone else 5 years ago

      Yeah Ive had an ex toxic friend like yours. It was all about her. While you were being there for both your friends, the 'me me me'one wouldve been expecting all your attention- don't you know she is the centre of the universe?? and nothing else matters!If the mutual friend had died the other would be jealous of the attention she got! Nothing anyone ever does is enough- these toxics work from a whole different level than us!Empathy, consideration and genuine concern are only things others should have (for them!)Your ex toxic friend wasn't worthy of you. There are no words to really

      explain how hurtful their actions are but the lesson learned is so valuable and Im never gonna waste my friendship again.

    • profile image

      chris 5 years ago

      I had a friend who I thought was a friend. Until a mutual friend of ours got really sick at the time and was life treatening condition. During the time my friend had broken up with her long term boyfriend. When she broke the news, I had invited to my house or offered to meet with her if she needed to talk about her break up. However she was not ready to talk. Meanwhile I had been visiting the other friend as she was still very critically ill. I would sometimes update the friend to hos the sick friend was doing and would ask her how she was after the breakup and invited to my house as she to chat and catch up. However she kept blowing me off and been really flakey towards me. So for this reason I backed off, as thought she was still hurt over her breakups. A few weeks later I was visiting the mutual friend, and I was given the impression that the friend had been talking to her . She kept mentioning bout the friend needing people she wanted around her as it hard after a break up. I got the impression that I was accused of not been there for her which defendily not the case. I letter found out that she had been talking to my sick friend and was telling her how I was not there for her and I was to occupied with concerning about the friend who is sick. I was so annoyed that she would say something so untrue especially after the ordeal our mutual friend had been through and that if she felt neglected in anyways she should have talked to me. From that moment on I felt there was nothing left in the friendship, so I ended all contact with her. Still hurt over the behavior of her but I am glad were not friends.

    • profile image

      Anne 5 years ago

      Wow! Thank you everyone for sharing your stories. By sharing, you are really helping others RECOGNIZE toxic friend behavior. Some are subtle so it may not be as clear.

      I think that when you keep the focus on YOURSELF, you won't fall prey to these toxic life drainers. Here are some tips I can share:

      1. Your life, your preferences, your time comes first. Don't let anyone bully you into doing anything you don't feel comfortable doing, especially if it only seems to benefit them.

      2. Live your life to keep it interesting. You can't force friendships, you can only attract interest. By taking control of your life, you're not settling for less. The worst time to find friends is when you feel like you really need some. Energy drainers can sense your desperation and know that you'll settle for anything. Don't find friends, find HOBBIES. Then, friends will come naturally from those hobbies.

      3. Set boundaries right away. You have to have a middle ground between being nice and approachable to being a doormat. Write down for yourself very specifically what it would take for someone to cross your line. How many times would you let an unexplainable no-show slide? What are some specific things you'd look for in order for someone to gain your friendship?

      4. After each encounter with someone, evaluate the experience. Rate it from a 1-10 and write it down in a journal. The ratings should increase over time. If they decrease, don't waste any more effort into that relationship. You should feel supported, energized, relaxed, happy after spending time with a real friend, not like you're walking on eggshells. Do they ever congratulate you? Do they let you talk or do they do all the talking? Do they value your opinion?

      5. Think of friendship as a bank. Are you getting back as much as you put into it?

      6. Do you follow through on the consequences you've set once someone's crossed your line? Some people become toxic friends simply because no one's ever given them limits. They have to start learning sometime, and that learning process could start with you. Think of it as you are doing a favor for the next person they "befriend." Remember, YOU teach people how to treat you. If you settle for less, you're creating your own mess.

    • profile image

      Chris 5 years ago

      I had friend who done many of the things spoken in the article, It's like a flash back when I think about it. You know I loved my friend a lot, a small part of me still misses the times when our friendship was pleasant. She was like a rose that eventually withered, She was the sweetest person in my life at the time before it went sour. After 2 years I started to open my eyes when her behavior turned vicious, eventually her secretive motives started to show through. She was toxic, and with that being said, she started making my life hell. I think what hurt me the most was that she could never be fully honest with me yet she always expected such honesty out of me. She used and abused everyone she seemed to come in contact with. Her destructive behavior and constantly using projection to escape responsibility for her own actions not only wrecked our friendship but it also destroyed many of her other friendships she had with other people throughout her life, it was always someone else's fault in her opinion. She did try crawling back into my life about 6 months later, I never allowed her to waste another minute of my time though. It's sad when friendships go bust over toxic behavior

    • profile image

      Marian 5 years ago

      Wow Sunny I sure am glad your toxic friend is a thing of your past not present and you've learnt so much from that experience-although the hard way. I hate how once you've made the decision to end a toxic friendship- it often gets even worse, but at least when that happens its a sign we did the right thing! Don't you hate it when the ex friend spreads all kind of untruths and beacause we do the decent thing- and let others make up their own minds- often they are taken in big time(cos toxic people are often very good manipulators and liars)And that hurts big time. To know weve done nothing wrong(except be a friend to the WRONG kinda person! And we wait...for others to realise the same thing..but it sometimes takes years, and by then the damage is done again.

    • profile image

      Kk 5 years ago

      I hope it all works out some times friends can be mean!:(

    • profile image

      west 5 years ago

      I have a toxic sibling. I have been physically and emotionally abused by them all of my life. Recently they lashed out in unjustified anger at my child. Up until now, I've worked very hard at being there for this person and always inviting them and their family to gatherings. But they have crossed the line. It is not that I won't forgive them, God commands forgiveness (I am a Christian), but I will no longer allow this sibling into my home, and I will not longer attend events with them. I have to protect my kids.

    • profile image

      Sunny1920 5 years ago

      I am glad I found this article. I have had several toxic friends in my life and two at the same time once. The main one totally turned my world upside down. She started off with small things by ridiculing you and being your critic in a negative way. Add alcohol to her she becomes this abusive monster. She has even slapped me in a bar, chased me all the way home because I left her to further beat me up, and I called the police. The police did nothing when I wanted her out of my house from the assault. They thought it was a joke with a woman beating another woman. She felt it was in her right to do that because I left her there at the bar from the first slap. She slapped me because she was upset I was moving.

      You clearly have some serious abandonment issues and alcohol problems. I felt the need to leave I knew it was going to get ugly, but it didn't work. I was not friends with her after that anymore. Somehow she worked herself back in to where I let her in. My friends and my family all said not to, she is a dark person. I didn't listen I thought I would give her another chance as a friend. I felt bad for her too having financial struggles and roommates not treating her nice as well.

      I wanted to help her. The more I was around her the worse she became. She was a nasty bully with me I don't know why. She even tried to start a nasty fight with my Mom and I once calling my mother at 2:30am saying I was drunk and need rehab. Mom almost believed her when she called her to tell her this. First off I did not drink that much and when I did I only had a few. This friend would drink herself into a psychotic abyss. I went to grab my cell phone from her to talk to my Mom. Mom said something I can't remember what it is now, but it was to the point she almost sided with this girl. I called Mom the C word. I would never in my life say those words to my mother. I felt she is choosing this crazy woman over her daughter to listen to believing her crap. I went to leave her house that night with some other friends. She became so belligerent towards me for leaving that she tried to beat me up again in the parking lot outside of her house. At this point I was done with her. This is psychotic! I was able to get away having got lost in the neighborhood and her calling the police on me saying some strange woman is lost in the neighborhood. Police gave me a ride home and got me dinner =) If she was not being nice, she was being evil. She would say certain things when you decided to stand up for yourself. She would say: "You are the one being a &*%$. No one likes you. I am a true friend and the only one there for you. Your other friends they are not, you are not a friend. I thought you changed and I am the one who has changed," blah blah blah. If you decided to bail out on hanging out with her she would throw a fit of curse words at you hoping you feel bad about yourself and about not showing up. That is why I didn't want to show up to the event! She did this over not coming to a movie for crying out loud. She would call me over and over just to curse me out. My toxic friend tried to say she bought me a movie ticket and paid for it already and now wasted money. I knew she was lying about that because she never pays for herself when out and about. I always paid the bill mostly. There were times if there was a house party and if you even had one drink or two, she would try to call out to the whole party you are a drunk lunatic when you know you are fine. Or she would make up stories that I sat on the stair well crying saying: "I have no friends and no one here likes me." She would try to convince you that happened. First off I was sober I remember the whole night and no that did not happen. This girl was insane. Why did I stay friends with her?

      Mom and I were fine after awhile, but this woman was no longer allowed in my parents house for anything. Somehow she got back in my life again. Why did I let her back in after what happened before? She apologized profusely and said I was a good friend and begged for forgiveness. This was after 3 months of not speaking to her or associating with her. I fell for it.

      For the first month everything seemed alright. My friends were angry I was trying to be friends with her again. They said she is bad news stay away from her. I knew that, but still wanted to give her more benefit of the doubt.

      Long story short, one night her boyfriend beat me up when I was in bed asleep at her house. I tried to call the cops for the assault, but she would not let me. She pulled the phone cord out of the wall jack and held the phone for dear life from me. Her boyfriend kept coming after me to hurt me more. I have no idea why. It was insane. I finally had to get out of there since I could not call the police for help.

      I got out of there after he chased me down the stairs after having me by the throat and grabbing my arms to throw me off the bed. I grabbed my purse and went to my car to drive off. I had a few drinks that night and I knew I was at risk driving. I did not want to drive, but I felt there was no where else to go that was not safe there.

      I was going to pull off to the side of the road across the street and call 9-1-1 to report this. Instead I was pulled over by the police. The same officer that was at her house previously helping her from her boyfriend with another assault. I got busted on a DWI. The officer knew of the violence in this home and asked my why I was crying and where the bruises came from. I explained and he didn't care. I know I was driving after drinking, but still there was assault here too.

      This so called friend threatened me if I did anything to her or her baby's Daddy there would be hell to pay.

      My attorney and a private investigator was able to pull out the truth and find out she had called the same officer who she was friends with to find me out on the street to bust me for a DWI to avoid me charging them with assault.

      It almost worked and it had. In fact the prosecutor wanted to make an example out of me which my friend felt the need to contact and make things worse. I was almost locked up in a rehab and a mental institution. This toxic friend convinced prosecution side of the court I was mentally unstable and needed professional help. They believed her until my attorney stepped into prove the case.

      I am ok now and charges were dropped on me. No DWI.

      The point is, you are who you hang with.

      I had no idea what that meant until that traumatizing moment of my life.

      I never spoke to her again and it has been 3 years. Life has been so much better and I have never been in trouble like that since. I was so close to losing a good chunk of my life to an institution over this toxic friend. She was really good at acting and convincing others even the courts. My attorney however, was the only one who could not be fooled.

      Mom taught me if someone does it once they will do it again and again and again. I have seen that be true several times. So trust is earned. Thank you for sharing this article on Toxic Friends and those of you sharing your stories. I honestly was on research to see if there are others experiencing "friends" like this. This story I have shared is forever long and lots of parts were left out. I am writing a book about it though. I am thankful to know I am not alone in this.

    • profile image

      Trudie 5 years ago

      That's so often a dilemma faced by ex friends of toxic people-you don't want your experience to influence others,so you stand back, say nothing and really want to believe that the reasons for your ex friendship can stay just between the two of you, and you simply trust the others to know you well enough..not to be unduly influenced..BUT the very reason you realised the toxicity of your ex friend...was that person had NO BOUNDARIES of what's right or wrong to say about anyone ..and you just KNOW they'll be dissing you to everyone(and if theres nothin you're guilty of you can be sure they'll have no qualms about inventing something/s!) Years ago when faced with this situation- I kept my own counsel and totally trusted others not to be influenced but unfortunately they were just too gullible/naïve to see they were being manipulated by the "other's" words. It was extremely hurtful to realise people can be so fickle.But I slowly regained trust in others and made new friendships. However I obviously hadn't done with "learnin lessons" on this very important part of life, & recently realised how toxic a a particular "friend" was, and the necessity to end it. I am now in your situation-hoping it can be left like that,but already Ive noticed a few others we mutually kno, who Ive always been friendly with,are cool towards me. So maybe this time I actually NEED to speak up for myself & NOT leave it to CHANCE. Something like.. "My friendship with x has ended, but Im trusting that you wont let anything you may hear change OUR friendship?"

      After that, there is really nothing anyone can do to stop someone being influenced negatively. That's their call AND their own learning curve!

    • profile image

      panda 5 years ago

      I had a friend who I told something very personal and private about myself. She ended up making fun of me for it in front of other people. So she basically told others and put me down for it at the same time. Needless to say, I keep my distance from her now..

    • profile image

      Stacey 5 years ago

      I have a question instead of a comment. Last week I received and email, yes email, from my ex best friend telling me how much of a horrible, self centered, negative person I am. I don't think I'll have a problem getting over the axed relationship, but she is now hanging out with my sister-in-law and has made contact multiple times with my other sister-in-law. How do I deal? I can't ask my sisters-in-law to not make contact with her because I believe it's wrong of me to tell them who they can and can't be friends with. Anyone able to give some advice?

    • profile image

      violin 5 years ago

      I think we shouldn't even love friends whom we don't hang out with. "WE BECOME WHO ARE FRIENDS ARE!"

    • profile image

      Somebody 5 years ago

      I had a friend like this

    • profile image

      Someone 5 years ago

      Toxic friends are dangerous. They don't just bring you down; the can turn you into a milder version of themselves. We as human beings are tuned into becoming more socially acceptable by mimicking those we are around on some subconscious level.

      It can start out small; it's very hard to be positive towards others if you are with a friend who was negative. Or if they are are always critical and judgmental, you'll find yourself more critical of yourself, if not others. If they are self-centered, then you get so used to fighting for attention that you can become "me,my,mine" in turn. If they gossip, then you in turn might be more inclined to share personal information either about yourself or others.

      I'm having a heck of time from this. I've mostly ditched the idea of actually being friends with a woman I know. However, now I'm trying to shake what I realize are bad habits I formed as a result from this friendship. I talk about myself way too much without showing as much interest in others, I'm suffering from very low self-esteem, and I have a tendency to gossip, and these things were not like me before I knew her. I myself am now a toxic friend when I don't make the effort to shed these bad habits. Fortunately, the good habits are replacing the old ones as I try, and I have friends who are willing to remind if I slip up.

    • profile image

      Aine 5 years ago

      Thank you for that..I needed that..also I think you have to be ready to end the friendship..I was so embarrassed that a woman of my age could fall into a friendship like that and let it last for so long..as they say we learn at all ages. This friend nearly destroyed my whole life even that of my children. But boy do I feel so good in myself..free from her manipulating stupid plans.

    • profile image

      nancy byrd 5 years ago

      i thought i had toxic relationships but the more i read here i am question myself. i see a pattern forming that i am the toxic friend. at the moment there are so many people i realized i have harmed.

    • profile image

      Ariana 5 years ago

      To the last posters, I would most definitely say- it IS TIME to distance yourself from the toxic person in your lives. To Claire-the new gf of your husbands best friend is a master manipulator( a red flag sign for toxic friends) and its just unfortunate the men cannot see her for what she is- but her bf will definitely find out the hard way.Sounds like hes allowed himself to be the panderer to her demanding & self absorbed personality- theres never any good come from that kinda twosome.Your husband has also been blinded to her real toxicity, often women are better at reading others real personalities.You're a person who gets on with everyone & sees the good in people-thats admirable! But in this case DO NOT let that stop you from also seeing what's NOT GOOD! Sounds like you've read her right.You have bent over backwards to make her welcome & meet her DEMANDS! Wow those alone tell how everythings always ABOUT HER!What a horrible house guest/member of a night out group! And hows she repaid you?- nastiness by the bucketful! & it will only get worse. DO NOT allow her to destroy your own relationship!Toxic people thrive on others being unhappy(anotherred flag sign) To Am- DO NOT let any feelings of "missing" your toxic friend stop you from making the break!Be prepared for the gap it leaves,that's only natural, as you've been a friend to her-notice I said YOU have(she hasn't to you!) for many years.Because of the childrens connection- if that makes it impossible to stop actually "seeing" her, just make sure any conversation is about the children-their sports and keep anything of a personal nature off topic.You've opened your eyes to her toxic ways- DO NOT close them again!Hopefully (if you're determined to be good to yourself) the "friendship" will die a natural death.Put your own wellbeing first.Most toxic people know how to manipulate 101 so she will have other "victims" to listen to her woe-is-me tales of her divorce.Keep telling yourself you deserve a better friend-a REAL friend- and someone good will come into your life to remind just how GOOD & HEALTHY friednships can and should be! A toxic friend is DEFINITELY NOT BETTER THAN NO FRIEND. Ive recently distanced myself from a toxic friend of over 20 years, and I wonder WHY I didn't do this years ago!Its only by doing this that you're able to see how one sided, energy sucking,and joyless such a "friendship" was. No one needs or deserves that! Wishing you both all the best!

    • profile image

      Am 5 years ago

      I have.......had a friend like that. I have bn friends with her for 22yrs off and on of course. She has always made me uncomfortable an has always turned things around on me. I am 33 now and I need nor want someone like that in my life anymore! I have let her back in to many times and u said it urself... It will keep happening. I have never told her deep dark secrets but ur damn stagily she has told all of mine. I miss her because I don't have any other friend that I talk to everyday like that. Her children and my child are best friends and play every sport together so I have to see her everywhere I go!! She is going thru a divorce right now and I feel bad for not being there for her I just can't anymore.......... Is that wrong of me????