A Toxic Friend: Signs He or She Is Using and Abusing You

Does your friend ignore your emotions and make you feel bad about yourself? Learn how to get out of a toxic relationship.
Does your friend ignore your emotions and make you feel bad about yourself? Learn how to get out of a toxic relationship. | Source

What Is a Toxic Friend?

Toxic friendships are negative relationships that make you feel unhappy, unhealthy, and unequal.

Toxic friends will stress you out, use you, and wear you down physically and mentally. Many of us keep toxic friends in our lives for whatever reasons. We both like and dislike our toxic friends. We put up with all they give us repeatedly. We complain to ourselves, other friends, relatives, and whomever else will listen to us gripe about how they do this and that to us.

How You Can Become Trapped

But we never do anything about it. This lack of decision becomes a bigger problem than the toxic friend. We don't tell our friend that his or her behaviour causes us to feel a certain way. We wait until our negative feelings and emotions build up, and before long, we find ourselves exhibiting toxic traits as well. We become the best actors in the world and act as if nothing is wrong, hoping our friend will change or grow up. But the fact about such people is that they don't know how to, or if they do, they just don't want to. After all, if being manipulative works for them, and they get what they want out of life, why should they change?

Sometimes, you work up the nerve to tell the friend how he or she makes you feel, but every time you mention it, your point doesn't get through. Or he or she might try to turn the tables on you by saying you're the one with the problem.

Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Friendship

You might want to ask yourself some simple questions when in a friendship like this:

  • Am I in a good mood after being with this friend? Is there a give and take? Am I entirely truthful with this friend? Do we respect each other? Would my friend talk about me in a negative way to others? Would I talk about my friend in a negative way to others? Does my friend criticize and belittle me? Do I hesitate to share my good news because of how it might make him or her feel?Does my friend abuse the friendship and take advantage of me? Do I even like this person?
  • Why do we hold true to the BFF ideal? This isn’t a legal binding agreement. No one is forcing you to stay friends. It’s never an easy decision to break off the friendship. But if you saw one person physically abusing another, wouldn't you encourage them to end the relationship? Why is emotional abuse any different?

How to End the Vicious Cycle: My Story

I ended a bad friendship recently. She used me, my other friends, and my family for personal gain. She emotionally abused me with guilt, and it took a toll on my other relationships. She always told me that she was an honest and open person. She would cry on cue. When I would tell her how her behaviour bothered me, she would always type an email personally attacking and blaming me. It was always my fault she didn’t have the life she felt she deserved, and I had everything. She was always doing the best she could, or so she would say. She would bring up the littlest things! At the beginning and end of each email, she would often apologize if it was hurting my feelings, and she never wanted me to be mad at her. Of course, she didn’t want me to be mad at her! It might mean I, her bank/babysitter/gopher/cab driver/problem solver etc., might not be around anymore.

One day, it all changed when I received an email from her. I was in between job interviews and running around like a mad woman. I had checked emails after a particularly stressful interview, and her tirade was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Again, she criticized me, my family, my friends, and my children. In criticizing my children, she slapped me in the face for the final time. They had been nothing but respectful and helpful to her, and that was what spurned me into action.

I took steps to eliminate her right then and there. She lashed out at me almost immediately, and I ignored it. There were threats and slander. I still ignored it. In fact, that’s all you can do. Once you let a toxic friend back into your life, you’ll begin that vicious circle all over again. If she sees a chance to worm back into your life, she will. It’s all for her personal gain. If calling me “fat” made her feel better? I’m glad she’s out of my life.

Most toxic friends have patterns, and mine was no different. Their friendships never seem to last longer than a year. That’s because the toxic friend uses and abuses from the start. It’s always someone else’s fault why the friendship ended. My friend had been told numerous times by people ending the friendship that she was negative! I thought I was a good friend, almost like a sister. Well, if one of my sisters had behaved that way? I would have no qualms putting her in her place. She has no problem going out to dinner with you and then telling you partway through that she has no money. Or, she just waltzes out of the restaurant, knowing you’ll pay her way. She guilts you into inviting her to functions with your other friends, then insults them all (and drinks all the wine). The toxic friend may even attempt to flirt with your spouse or significant other. They want what you have, no matter how little. Such people are very needy. Mostly for attention.

Walk away and stay away. This doesn’t mean that you don’t love or care about the person anymore. It means that you have more self-respect for yourself. And in the end, that’s the most important friendship of all!

When you find the right friends to connect with, every encounter should make you feel good about yourself.
When you find the right friends to connect with, every encounter should make you feel good about yourself.

Comments 130 comments

moonlake profile image

moonlake 7 years ago from America

You did the right thing getting rid of that friend. I have friends I love but do not want to hang around with. They complain about everything their kids, their husband nothing makes them happy. I have to stay away from them or they bring me down.

Good hub.

SandraBean profile image

SandraBean 7 years ago from Canada

People like this sicken me! Though I have to give them must take incredible imagination to convince themselves that their behaviour is acceptable. Good for you for cutting yourself off from that 'friend.' I'm sure your life is and will be far better without her!

Tieraney 7 years ago

Good for you for getting rid of the "friend". I am kinda in the same situation, although my friend has been around for over 10 years. She is obese (with the health problems that sometimes accompany it), no boyfriend/husband/kids, crappy job..etc. I am currently debating how to handle the situation. She isn't outright insulting, but makes subtle remarks and when I call her out its" Oh, I'm just giving you crap". And although she has nothing going on in her life currently, she constantly talks about herself and every conversation is about HER. She never asks about me or my family or kids. Once she says ANYTHING bad about my innocent little children, I think that will be the back breaker!!

kaylee.kenzie profile image

kaylee.kenzie 7 years ago from Canada Author

I think everyone has a friend like this. Mine friendship was for 15 years and I even moved across the country several times. I could have used those moves as excuses to lessen the friendship (and I may have at times) but each time she'd guilt me and sometimes flatter me in order to gain a personal agenda. She wanted what I had out of life not caring to see that I worked two jobs to better myself and my family. I would create opportunities for her to "help" her along - she once slept with a client of mine and I lost a $10,000 contract because he didn't want to be around her after that.

I am sure we may have resolved issues if she hadn't attempted to slander me to other friends she didn't think would talk to me (toxic friends keep other friends separate from you, but you can't have your own friends). I guess she didn't think they would tell me? Turns out LOL they told me even MORE lies she had told them. Her lies went on and on and those are what comes to my mind when I am lonely for her and think I can just pick up the phone to talk to her. We talked everyday for years! If we didn't talk we'd email. I miss having someone like that to talk to but really? her problems would be worse, her issues more dramatic -- aren't they always? :)

Andrea 6 years ago

I went to this site because I am 11 years old, and I wanted advice about this from REAL women. I've been trying to be a better Christian and she isn't, and yet she keeps criticizing me and stuff. Christians don't do this, and christians don't do that. I have cut her off completely, and found real friends who actually love me for me.

anna 6 years ago

People struggle, people have issues and we all can play the role of "toxic friend". Just remember when you point a finger at someone you have 4 pointing back at yourself. Also, "sweet innocent children"....well I got 3 of those and when my friends say they are brats (even when I don't want to hear it) it might be true. Just keep in mind others see our kids more accurately than we do.

Jean 6 years ago

I have a friend who's a networking junkie. I invite her to my party whith my family members and other friends that she has never met. The next thing I know is she's going around getting everyone's contact information, trying to date my brother in law and calling me up for my sister's phone number.

I really dislike this. These are my friends and family, not hers. I told her that I like to keep my family, friends, and business life separate and I did not give her my sister's contact information.

Is it me being juvenille or reasonable?

DD 6 years ago

I just emailed my Toxic Friend after she told me I was a worthless friend in her emal. I became busy with my life and family for a couple of weeks. When I called her, no response, emailed her, no response; she sent me reply saying " I'll talk to real friends who demonstrate that I am genuinely important to them- simply by consistently being interested in my feelings and being present in my life. That's what a friend is to me." Notice the me's and mys. I basically replied saying "if I am so worthless then you will be better off without me as a friend." I feel so much better and now I can concentrate on my friends who are respectful and don't make me feel bad. The only time this person calls me is when she has a "favor" to ask me. Life is too short to waste your time trying to please someone that cannot be pleased.

5 years ago

I have a friend like this whom I have broken off with as well. Unfortunately, my other friends aren't as apathetic as I and choose to stay with this friend simply because nobody else will. They feel guilty that she no longer has any friends and hang out with her because of that fact. I have tried persuading them out of this friendship that should ont even be classified as one but no luck. I only wish for them to not become hurt but I know they will in one way or another.

bebe 5 years ago

i am debating right now how to cut off a "friend" like this. She talks about all her friends personal information and although i have listened, it makes me very uncomfortable. She does it to bring them down and uplift herself i think but i i know she will do it to me too(ok already doing it). Also, she is very sly and cunning and underhanded. She makes comments that are done to hurt you but are disguised in a clever way like it is just normal conversation. I know she is going thru an economic hardship and it may be triggering her behavior. But anyways i think they instinctively know which women to befriend. In the past i have said to myself she is not as educated or doesn't know any better or just let it go, or i am being too petty. If i knew there was something worth saving i would. but i know that the years will pass and she will remain the same with no real love and respect for me. I THINK Its like they are jealous of you but they cannot say it out fornt. so they befriend you and chip away at you anyway they can.

she listens to your problems and you listen to hers however you don't use her info to make remarks which make her feel dumbfounded and thrown.

Annon 5 years ago

Is it possible to be a toxic friend...but only turning to a new friend because you feel like you have no one else to turn to in life...use their advice, decide you want to change yourself & make the efforts & then said friend decides "it's best if you just aren't friends anymore"...I have a work collegue who offered a listening ear when I had boy troubles. She is 10 years older than me but stated we could be friends outside of work. We talked on that occasion for 4 hours, she wouldn't let me leaver her house, hugged me & kissed me on the forehead before I did. Now I am only 21...going through a depressing yet 'lost' part of life so I felt so nice to actually have a 'friend' who cared for me. I know & realise now we had only been friends for 3 months...and I burdened her with texts, emails etc. But she was there for me right up until she admitted she lied to my face to 'please me' and all I ever asked from her was the truth up front. Now I had always listened to her advice...over 3 months she had begun to INFLUENCE me greatly (and now I am at counselling, looking at life more postively)...I went to ring her to tell her I understood how crap of a friend I had been to her and all she said was "i think it's best if we just aren't friends anymore"..."and what I don'tn get is that you said you don't talk to people you don't know or even friends really about your own problems YET you didn't know me. as much as I want to help you and support you, I have a family and I can't and one day you will understand"...I rang her up so I could say I know we 'friends don't have to see each other every day, week, month or year like she always told me...& that I understand she has a life & I wanted to just go back to being friendly in passing with the odd catch up...Now I HURT so much & i feel like a really stink friend.

Do you think I should just forget about her like she has done with me...even though I know SHE HAS CHANGED MY LIFE & THE PERSON I AM! or should I maybe wait a year or my life & write her a letter to see wheather my 'change' can persuede her to talk to me once again ...hoping for a catch up but expecting nothing???

ARGH it hurts to know she was a GREAT friend to me...BUT I was a stink friend to her. Though I was 100% genuine when complimenting her amazing qualities...

babymelodyxoxo profile image

babymelodyxoxo 5 years ago

this is happening to me and i am so scared to do anything about it =, this girl has the power to alienate me from my friends (even though she has already started to). not to long ago she slapped me in the face infront of all our friends and she has also slapped another girl who we are friends with. one minute she is kind and fun and pleasant, then the next she is cold and cruel and scary. I am afraid to say anything to her anymore because she love to humiliate me or i might say the wrong thing and she will lose her tempur. I have been skipping so many days of school because i don't want to deal with her, and my grades sucked this term. she is sucking the life out of me i don't feel like myself anymore i feel scared and depressed. at school today a friend asked her if i was coming to hang out with the rest of our friends and she said "no kayla is going home" so i came home and cried. my fiends tell me she says horrible lies about me when i am not there and she always has to be the centre of attention. But i can not remove myself from this friendship because the rest of my friends are not willing to leave and i would be alone. Everyone at school says i have become "the sweet quiet shy girl" since last year when we became friends and that isn't really me. we became friends last year so we could face bullies together and now she is the bully. I am not the girl i used to be i am shy and ashamed and i have lost my creativity and good grades. I want to warn people that if someone makes you feel like a shell of yourself or humiliates you even once let them no it isn't ok before they start to control you stand up for yourself from the beginning because i whish i had done that. I am 15 and i feel like a depressed old woman and everything about myself that i was proud of she has taken from me and i wish that i could be the very last vicim of this abuse so STAND UP FOR YOURSELVES!!!!!

amymarie_5 profile image

amymarie_5 5 years ago from Chicago IL

You did the right thing in getting rid of that 'friend'. I kept a person around for many years until she bad mouthed my brother to a mutual friend. I put up for her for so long and to this day I don't know why I felt the need to make that friendship work. I also just recently ended another friendship. I picked up on it right away.

Maw 5 years ago


I just want to give some advice to babymelodyxoxo. I have also felt the same as you are currently undergoing and I would like to suggest you read some articles of self-affirmation. It will bring your faith back in yourself and help you get confident. Once you start loving yourself, others will seem insignificant to you. You will face this problem throughout your life, just ignore and stay away from such people and love yourself more.

Hope it helps!

Stephanie 5 years ago

I am so glad that I found this website! I love my best friend a lot, but I have to put some distance between us because I am getting so depressed about the roller coaster of emotions that I am constantly dealing with! I am 50% of the problem, because I allowed it, but that's all the responsibility Im taking on from this relationship. I always feel like I am going out of my way to make her life easier because of her past or because of recent tragic events, and it has taken such a toll on me that I am almost in a confused state of mind! Ridiculous! And now I have to be careful because I am ready to lay into her at the first given chance, and that is not the appropriate, mature way to handle this type of situation. She will get defensive, and you have accomplished nothing at that point. But my only response to her at this time, will be "You don't get to talk to me like that anymore". For starters. Thanks for letting me a way...:o)



Sun-Girl profile image

Sun-Girl 5 years ago from Nigeria

Interesting article which is well shared.Thanks

ex-to the next 5 years ago

Hi guys,

I know the feeling exactly. I had a friend like this. We met last summer when our children played little league football together. We would sit together at practice and eventually began talking. We bonded quickly because it seemed that we had experienced or were experiencing similar struggles at the time. We talked everyday at football practice for months until football season ended and she no longer returned my phonecalls. A few months later she sent me a text and I was elated tohear from her so we met for lunch and began hanging out again. We were both in unhealthy relationships of which we complained about all the time. Well, to make a long story short, she became pregnant by a broke abusive boyfriend and he walked out of her life when he was tld about the baby. He had already abandonded his children in another state so he didn't want another children especially at forty while sleeping in his sister's basement on a matress. She had just lost her house to foreclosure and her car to repossession of which he did nothing to help her keep as she was losing these things although he lived in th house and was driven to work and the basement daily in her vehicle. When I was asked by them both to go with her to get the abortion since it was a secret she only told him, me, and her 14 year old son, I went with her because I was being a supportive friend. This was such a painful experience as I sat in an abortion clnic that day with at least thirty to forty women in line for hours to get abortions. I'm not judging. It was just difficult to handle. Nonetheless, the boyfriend began stalking her, assaulting her, harassing her and her family, verbal attacking her and threatening to kill her if she left her house. When all of this occurred, I was there. In the long hours of the morning when I had to drive home with my young children from her home, I confronted her to make sure she was alright. I sat in an abortion clinic. I listened to her complain about him for hours on end, drove her around, drove her kids around, bought her food, and offered her sisterhood. In the end, she got back with the guy and he began to tell her I was a snob and thoughtI was better than her. She convinced herself I was and because I couldn't do another favor for her in the time she needed because I was busy with some other priorities, she said I wasn't a friend. It hurt me so bad. I've thought about it everyday for two weeks since it happened. I couldn't believe ahe accused me of not being a friend after all I've done. Its saddened me until I read these blogs. I learned that hse was no good for me and she is toxic. Itt was always about her and never ever about me. Whenever a man was in her life and it was good, I was kicked to the curb. Yes, my life is led differently but never did I think I was better. I'm not better than her; but I'm better than that!

fashion 5 years ago

Great work.very common issue.

Good work.

Beryl 5 years ago

As a Christian, it can be hard to find the balance of showing the love of God to people and keeping appropriate boundaries around my heart. But then I remember that even Jesus wasn't a floor mat. I grieve for babymelodyxoxo because being a teenager is tough enough without having toxic "friends" to deal with. And that's the other problem, teenagers aren't yet equipped with all the emotional tools to handle such a person either! But, even as an adult, it can be hard to say no to toxic people entering my life. I believe the bottom line is whether I have enough love for myself to not allow someone to treat me badly or use me or show me disrespect. People that have a good level of self esteem just don't allow that to be done to them. So that is my focus. Healing from my childhood abuse that has programmed me to allow others to hurt me. And the exciting thing is that as I become more whole it is easier to identify and eliminate people that don't treat me with respect and love.

Sheila 4 years ago

IO recently ended a freindship like this. A friend had made constant demands on my time. I listened to her while she went through relationship break ups, hard times at work, hard times at home. I now realise that she spent most of these converstions repeating herself, and that a lot of the problems she had were self inflicted (by her need for drama). On the other hand, when I had problems, she just blew me off, or gave me some token advice before bringing the subject back to herself. The final straw came when she vacated the house we'd been sharing and didn't pay her rent. I'm now having to pay it! I have to say though that when i called her up and tolld her to "F@&k off" it was one of the most liberating moments of my life and I feel very free!

feedom flay 4 years ago

hi friend is 25years older than me she met me when i was about 9 and iam 19 now and iam sooooooo phisicaly and mentaly sick from all her abuse!its as tho she has two people insider her one amazing one ugly unfortantly they only show themselves at night.ha!you see one minute she tells me (as a friend)that she loves me more than anyone and when i hurt she hurts, and she will always be there for me the next minute shes snapping at me and telling me she cant cope with me then she hurls a load of abuse at me!and iam left standing there thing what did i do???i love her nice side but hate her horrid sude.then sge apolagises then does it again.what am i to think of this woman???xx

Kathrine 4 years ago

I have a friend who is to an extent similar to most of the stories mentioned...she is a very negative person,and this judgment is not only mine but other people as well...i have known her for quite long no..we have been classmates and we grew closer after college...she has passed through difficult circumstances i understand but this does not give an excuse for anyone to be negative and complaining all the an example...i received from her today ..only Today...3 calls complaining how hectic her week dumb the people around her and how stressed she has been...the fight she had with her brother and the list goes on...i even forgot when was the last cheerful or positive thing she had shared with me...and because of that i am avoiding her coz i already have my own stressess and challenges and am trying to surrond myself with positive and cheerful people...its not that i am not good enough but this has gone for sooo long and is leaving really frustrated..i cant share with other friends coz i don't want their judgments to be based on mine...anyhow...this was a good vent out process..hehe...have a good day

Janice 4 years ago

I had a hard life in the past 3 years. I moved to a new city as there was no work where I was. I have only worked 10 months sine 2009 and so my income has been very very low. Due to this i could not meet new friends and all I have is a casual boyfriend who can be abusive at times but he has great qualities too. So my last job i met a woman and we clicked, shes 8 years younger and we seemed to get along well and became friends at work. She married at 27 and has a good husband and son so has had stability for 12 years unlike me. when the job ended we kept in touch by email although its strange she lives just 20 mins away by walk-she never asked me for coffee and I don't know where she lives. She seems to love to find out all your life and info but is secretive on her life - I really dont know alot about her life- - just general stuff. So we are now both out of work and looking and just yesterday she turned on me in emails, she is criticizing ahd demeaning my life in every way saying I put myself here and to 'take respoonsibility' etc and I have done everything under the son to try to make changes. Im not a lazy person. I have worked all my life but there is little work around in canada now. THen i was upset and emailed her back and she got even more mean and demeaning in the next email. She said she had a rough time growing up and I never would have survived it! well i didn't have a perfect childhood either! She has her family around her all the time shes not alone here and her parents are alive and well my dad died of cancer and I took care of him; mom is now 82 and her memory is going-so she cant help me now. She is very mean so i emailed her that I didn't appreciate her comments and that I feel she is not a real friend and a good christina too since if u are in a crisis that is when u should be empathtic and caring to your friend and she is not.......I don't knnow if I will end up homeless I have one monnth left of money but whatever happens it wont be because of things I did - i sent 2000 resumes in 3 years here i put in hundreds of hours of effort........

Lisa 4 years ago

Dear Janice-You have taken care of your mother and father-God will take care of you-He promises that in the Bible. I will pray for you today and all the other ladies-I came here because I am dealing with a malignant person masquerading as a friend who is a pseudo-Christian. It can be really tough to be judged by supposed Christians. Just give it over to God-he will rout them and restore you.

4 years ago

I have several friends like this. I feel these people are so oblivious and self centered they don't know how ignorant they are I have one friend we went snowboarding together had a great day and we took some cool pics of each other and the next day she sent me some pics of the day they were all of her I said those look awesome can u send the pics of me of course well three Weeks have passed and she has sent me pics everytime she snowboards of herself I just ask myself everytime are u retarded u haven't sent me one pic of me u keep sending pics of yourself?? and this is th way I feel about half my friends since that and a couple other straws I have ended a couple friendships and I found so much time for myself I started a clothing brand (have my first shirt out!!) and started working on music I think u will find more time for yourself and maybe find a friend that better understands you good luck xoxox

sunny22 4 years ago

I have a friend of 30 years. He needed a place to live and now I'm realizing just what a toxic friend he really is. In fact I believe that he is a sociopath. Does not help with any of the bills, doesn't buy his own food, just eats all mine. Brings so much drama into my home. I am so stressed out. I am mentally and physically drained. He leaves a mess in the house and doesn't feel like he has done anything wrong and that he shouldn't have to clean it up. Leaves his dirty dishes anywhere,and feels that he shouldn't have to do them. Uses all my laundry soap and doesn't feel the least bit guilty or responsible to replace it. The biggest thing is that he never pays rent and or utilities as agreed upon moving in. I tell him I need him to help pay and he just says that he doesn't have any money. I have gotten shut off notices and he doesn't blink at all to it. No feeling, no emotion, no remorse. 100% taking advantage of me and I don't know how to tell him that I can't live this way anymore, That it would be better if he moved out. After a year of living this way, Most days now, I feel that I'm going to have an emotional breakdown! Please help! Always easier said than done. Yes, I realize that I am a people pleaser and codependent. I seems that all his drama and kaos is just taking the life out of me.

sheila 4 years ago

I have a twin sister who i have come to the end of the road with. All my life i did everything she asked of me, she is very controlling. after 25 years i realised i couldn't go on like this. i realised after she decided to have a relationship with a man who loved me but i didn't have any feelings for him, he bagan a relationship with her to 'get back' at me for not falling for him. my sister knew he loved me but it didn't stop her at all. after she married him they started having problems. I started a relationship with her good friend, he was kind, loving and became my best friend. my sister saw i was finding happiness at last and she tried to jeopradise my relationship. i got married and moved 250miles away. i would still talk to my sister over the phone, she was constantly make it out as if i was hiding things from her, she wanted me to tell her how unhappy i was in my marriage, but how could i if this was not true. she started telling my other sisters nasty things about my husband and critisied my life. if i bought i car, if my husband wasn't working, if i made a friend, everything was critisised to the point of breaking. after i gave birth, she started making comments infront of my family about my child, how small he was, how he was dressed, how he cried etc. i have always been respectful towrads her, after i moved away i realised i was treated like a door mat for many years so i didn't just take her abuse, i defended myself but she carried on. i think what hurt her the most was that she could no longer control me, i was happy, content while she was miserable so she couldn't handle this.

i think i came to the end of the road with her when she called me a bad mother, she said i wasn't a good mother because my child was small and fragile while her daughter (same age) was big.

when i told my other sister about it, she denied every saying such a thing.

i now feel i cant trust her anymore. although i love her i feel she cannot see my happiness,

Meelee 4 years ago

Getting rid of toxic friends is the best way to create a breed of people that will never have friends, and destroy this world. it's your responsibility to make them friends and be an example in their lives!

Monique 4 years ago

I have this friend who I have become close with after we graduated high school and started college. At first our friendship was cool we had a lot in common. From issues with our parents to school to guys. She told me why her and her ex friend were not friends anymore. Something about her being drama. She told me the situations her friend would call her out on, and at the time they did seem harsh and unfair. So I agreed. But now that we have been friends for this long I am starting to understand why those people are no longer her friend. I've tried to be there for her and her drama but it's starting to weigh me down. I alredy have to worry about my children, finding a job and a house, and on top of that getting my own self together. I'm 19. But anyway... she also has random attitudes. She has had them with me and I've told her about about herself then she quickly changes her tune. She just found out she is pregnant and she is not living with her mother anymore cause their relationship was toxic! So it's like what the hay sould I do? She has gone through so much but at the same time it's all her fault. I keep pointing her to resources but she shoots them down with negativity. I'm just emotionaly drained. Sometimes when don't talk I dnt mind, I actuly prefer it. And on top of that she keeps doing stuff she knowes is wrong. And it's like I'm trying to evolve from the person she first met, but she talkes abt change but she is doing the same crap! I just really need some words of wisdom right now

Bethany 4 years ago

You did the right thing getting rid of that person. But i am in a situation where i am on holiday and i got a message on MSN saying that i had been talking about this person behind there back i then sent them a message swearing that i wouldn't do a thing like that. Did i do the right thing? what should i do?

Diane 4 years ago

I had two toxic friends who did the same thing to me. And when they would abuse me and I said no to something they wanted from me...they went and told other people I was the bad person. They are like little bratty kids in a candy store causing temper tantrums.

I wanted to see a movie on my birthday and I was going with a few people after my little b-day of the toxic friend said "You need to drive me home because I don't want to see the movie." I told him the movie starts in 10 mins and you live 40 mins away The toxic friend started a tantrum and (even though he had a lot of money on him) said "I will only go to the movie if you pay for me." I knew that if he would do that to me on my birthday that it was over.

Natasha 4 years ago

I am in the process of never speaking to this "christian" friend of mine. She told me on my bday which was on a Wednesday that my birthday wasn't more important then God and all I did was ask her could we hang out. Mind you church didn't start until 7 o' clock at night and I asked her yesterday morning if we could hang out during the day not at night. Then turned around and hung with another friend who birthday was on Wednesday..... mind you she even skipped church!! :/ lmao Shame on me for thinking we were good friends.

Alaina 4 years ago

Well most people would consider to be a toxic person, but recent events in my life have shown me that you can't be that way forever. My prolonged ignorance caused me to lose friends, acquaintances and miss out on some great opportunities. Most of the time "toxic" people are going through a lot in their lives and just need some positive distractions to help them see there is much more to living than complaining and creating strife. It's easy to assume that one should know better given their age, but it's just as easy for someone to get caught up in the negatives of their lives, and if they don't have people around that care about them enough to point it out to them, they'll stay in their rut for a while. I'd encourage those of you who have gotten rid of these toxic people, if you should ever meet another, try to help them out. Those of you who are considering giving up on them, try another method to help them. The hand full of friends I have left haven't given up on me (I think, lol) and that has uplifted my spirit and motivated me to change. I'll admit, I've been quite a horrible person for most of my life and it's not something I'm proud of, but being able to admit it is a step in the right direction.

Serina 4 years ago

Thanks for making this article, it's good to remind people that they don't have to deal with abuse or constant negativity in their life over the fear of being "mean" to the person or being alone.

The biggest catch 22 in those situations really is that fear of being alone, because often times it's allowing that toxic friend the power to drain you, lower your self esteem and generally make you feel bad that makes you feel unable to make new friends or start conversations with new people in the first place. Once the courage is built to cut the habit of a toxic relationship, your self esteem will begin to rebuild and you can heal to find much better relationships.

I think people who are abused during childhood can be more susceptible to these relationships if these patterns aren't identified because the people who were supposed to love them, the people they should have been able to trust, abused them. This makes it a lot tougher for the person to realize the difference between healthy, supportive relationships and abusive ones.

I had toxic friendships when I was much younger. In my case it was a clique of "friends" I had for about five years. When I visited their houses, they would allow their family members to criticize and insult me over without saying a thing. In a way it's no wonder they were so maladjusted when a grown adult woman would tease and insult a 17 year old for having acne. When the said "friend" would make sure to relay the things her parent said about me when I wasn't there, because me knowing someone was laughing and saying I had "face herpes" was really something I needed to hear.

This girl, let's call her Stephanie, was really the main one who was cruel and often bossed around the rest of the group, but many of the others could be just as cruel, though I'm sure some only did it to fit in with them.

If one of us was spotted talking to someone outside of the clique, we were given icy stares and later lectured by the others. Often times Stephanie would talk down to me or the others when she was upset at us like we were children and she was a mother hen. Something is wrong when you're a legal adult and you still have a friend talking down to you about "how you shouldn't talk to people you don't know, they might be bad." I thought that's why real groups of friends existed? To support each other while making new connections, and being there for safety in case someone does turn out to be a real creep? One of the safest way to meet new people is when you're surrounded by backup.

I didn't even get the worst of it. She completely humiliated and abused a guy friend of ours on a daily basis, knowing he would put up with it because he was bullied all through school and had abandonment issues. He opted to be constantly stepped on rather than being alone. When we hung out with Stephanie and he wasn't with us, she'd laugh about how she used him for this or that; she seemed really proud of herself when she described in detail how she blackmailed him into driving her to school whenever she wanted for a year straight, simply because she discovered he had a crush on her while his best friend was her boyfriend. It seemed like her story served a double purpose: it let her express her sadism and torment for this boy even further, and subconsciously remind US that she could easily do the same to us if we did something to displease her.

I always placed the blame on myself for having such low self esteem and being so self conscious. And I was right in a sense, but for a while I didn't want to accept the real reasons why. Eventually I faced the reality that I'd never reach my full potential if I was codependent on this group who constantly pressured me into being and acting a certain way, or otherwise be talked down to and alienated.

I started making new friends, and began disregarding their "rules." Apparently the final straw was when I brought one of these new friends with me to a group night, and they didn't like him at all. He was very talkative, but had many of the same interests as me, and brought out a more social side of me. Stephanie gave me death glares the entire night, and several times told us to stop talking. Then as we were leaving, she thought it would be cool to try and humiliate me in front of everyone by confronting me and accusing me of "acting like I'm not myself around him," and how she was very irritated by our talking.

It really started to click then. I was never going to be the chattier, more confident person I wanted to be if I was friends with them anyway. the group, and stephanie especially, saw any change in behavior a threat. I wasn't "not being myself", I was GROWING up, and WIZENING up. Staying in a situation like that would stunt all of my potential.

I was only 20 at that point and I already felt like I was having a damned midlife crisis from all the years of not being able to experiment further like a normal teen. Well, at least it was gotten out of the way early.

I have no regrets though, as regrets do no good anyway. Now I know which red flags to look out for in relationships. I ignored the slander, alienation, and the general backlash I knew I'd get once it was finally over. As a matter of fact, because I was finally occupying myself with things I'd always wanted to do, meeting interesting people, going on trips and adventures, that I didn't even need to actively put any energy into ignoring the mean things they did and said about me. I believe I am a much happier, more confident person to this day because I analyzed the situation and made what I knew were tough, but necessary choices.

Susanne 4 years ago

Ive known this woman for 25 years,we are both mid 50s now. I know I need to cut her out of my life and am in the process and a whole lot of emotions are hitting me. I am a caring and loyal person but also no fool (well not now!) and reasonably intelligent so just feel very foolish right now for even allowing myself to become involved,but then I guess that was the caring part of my nature. The only thing we ever had in common was our kids played sport together.This woman has always been NEGATIVE, CRITICAL of everyone and thing and COMPLETELY SELF ABSORBED!Her parents spoiled her rotten, husband carried that on and his and the childrens lives have all been manipulated and walked on eggshells around her depressive moods! I never understood WHY she had depression as shed experienced no heartache or trauma in life and whatever she wanted she got!I realise now it was simply 100% EFFECTIVE IN ATTENTION SEEKING! But this always p##d me off as life had dealt ME many reasons to be DEPRESSED (stillborn baby, lost both parents young and a loved son with huge problems)but I was so aware how easy it would be for me to sink into despair so instead I was totally COMMITTED TO BEING POSITIVE AND STRONG!(Simply because Ive always been a realistic person and knew the wellbeing of my family was down to my attitude)She used to tell me I was"lucky"##? I didn't get depression!Anyway fastforward 25 years, shes never had a nice word to say about anyone or thing,VERY OPINIONATED and thinks NOTHING OF CRITICISING OTHERS(AND THEIR KIDS!)nothing anyone ever does for her is good enough- she must be HELL to live with-but her husband puts up with it all! Through the years Ive never once told her what I thought (Ive only recently seen HER extreme TOXICITY clearly)I see it now and FEEL A STRONG URGE TO TELL HER JUST SO SHE KNOWS WHY IM OUTTA HER LIFE! But then I believe that's probably futile as people as selfish as her (and as henpecked as her husband & family- which includeds daughters in law who HATE her!- I don't wonder why!?)would never see their own faults- only EVERYONE ELSES! I know I should just have nothing more to do with her but if I don't tell her why and stand up for myself to regain self esteem (in my own eyes)Im leaving myself open to her spreading lies. But then shed be doing that anyway right?!

Tina 4 years ago

I think what Serina says that people who have had hard childhoods often find themselves in toxic "friendships" as they cannot tell the difference between good or abusive relationships, and that's friendships too. Even though we do learn eventually, and often the very hard way we should never feel stupid or be too hard on ourselves when "the penny drops" and it all becomes so clear how weve left the door open to a toxic "frienship" We didn't know better- Now we Do And that Door will be Closed, never to allow the same treatment from toxic people again.Anyone who has gone through this experience and come out the other side with their dignity, self worth, love of life and belief in people (well, most) intact should be proud of their ability to learn and grow. Some (and a lot of toxic people) never do.

Lisa 4 years ago

Thank you for all the great posts and article!

I had a lousy toxic friend for a couple of years. I won't bore you with all that she said and did (and she said plenty in the most loveliest ways, it was so smooth and subtle, always telling me how 'kind' a person she was!!??) but honestly, there were times I was truly amazed at how polite I was when she would come out with all this nasty stuff! She was so rude! I can't believe I didn't tell her to .... off. Even my husband (who is the kindest and nicest person I have ever met) was amazed that I didn't react, which is saying something. I guess I was hoping for a good friendship.... and trying to not 'react' to her jealousy and 'silliness'.

I had a very toxic mother, and I think my not having been treated with respect by my own mother and father has led to this incredible ability of mine to take as much shit as anybody can dish out AND be polite back!!! Anyway, I have completely distanced myself from my toxic friend and life is back to normal YAY! :)

I encourage all women to identify and cast out all toxic people in their lives!!!! :)

All the best x


Sue Donim 4 years ago

Wait, do we know the same person? This sounds like classic borderline personality behavior. If anyone reading this article (who might happen to read my comment) knows someone who seems this way... First, do not diagnose, only a professional can do that, but a good thing to read would be "stop walking on eggshells" or "I hate you don't leave me" these both explain how these sorts of toxic people experience the world and how we can protect ourselves from their harmful coping mechanisms. =(

nadiahyder 4 years ago

WOW, this is exactly what I'm going through right now. But I didn't know what i was feeling was right or even close to normal, I felt as if I'm thinking negative and over analyzing, but then I found THIS!!!

Ive been bestfriends with this person for three years, and its the fourth year now. I feel like my friendship with her is all about drama, she comes to me when she has a problem. SHe SUCKS the energy out of me. I always felt exhausted when done speaking to her. For three years, i feel like ive been her personal counsellor. She uses me and then puts me down. Shes really sarcastic and uses all my success as a mocking joke. I personally think she's jealous but to egotistical to admit it. Ive been there by her side for years but she has never been there for me. She uses me as a punching bag to take out her frustration. She'd be so kind and nice one day and the next she'd be really rude, and then she says everything is my fault. I feel like Im in an abusive friendship. After the abuse, she buys me things which I find really awkward. She keeps ALL her friends away from me, and wants to mingle with my friends and everything I DO. When I'm making new friends, she gets angry and pulls a guilt plug on me. She does not want me to be successful, have friends or do anything for that matter. She brings me down or starts a fight to get my attention. Very controlling. Not to mention, she acts weird in front of my fiancé, and blushes????? LOL. exactly why i tell her " my relationship is none of your business" everytime she trys to inquire. I feel like I'm done at this moment with this friendship. We fight all the time, because Im done with the abuse. She finds that hard to accept that she cant control me. Now that I have a higher position, she just wants to leech off of me in my resources and contacts, where she would do NOTHING for me. I buy her the most expensive things and pay for ALL of our meals mostly, unless i make a clear and loud indication that I did not bring my wallet. ALL she does is complain and use me as her diaper. Every day is a new problem. I deserve better friends and if you have a toxic friend, kick the leecher to the curb!! People like this drain you out, bring you down, and cause you nothing but loss. And the drama is not worth it. They love drama and want constant attention. My so called bestfriend, would say I have nothing she wants, but that's a lie, because she wants everything I have. She would've act this way if she did not. Ladies, keep this toxic friend away from your personal relationship and esp your PARTNER!!! This blog above, is nothing but the truth.

Lisa 4 years ago

Hi there,

I also wanted to add.... a quick true sign of a toxic friend is this:

you feel lousy about yourself and your life after every interaction with them!

I don't have much family and my work has forced me to travel a lot... so I have few close good friends. My birthday came around and I had paid for my husband and my little family to stay in a holiday house on the beach.... and (stupidly!) invited this toxic friend and her partner and children to join us.... We paid for the whole week and they stayed for free at this luxurious holiday home. On my birthday which fell on a weekend during our stay, I didn't receive any calls for my birthday (I come from a very disconnected and dysfunctional family and am a survivor of terrible child abuse.....and my 'toxic' friend knew all of this.... because stupid me told her!). Anyway, my toxic friend says to me on my birthday, in this holiday home that I am paying for, and in front of everyone, "it's just so sad that you didn't get one phone call from anyone on your birthday".

I was handling things okay until that point, trying to not think about my sad lack of family..... and then she made me feel utterly pathetic. That is just one example of how quickly she could make sure I felt like crap... she would even go to the length of interrupting me if I was talking about something 'great' in my life with my career, my children etc, and ask me about the people (family) who have let me down... right in front of everyone. It was always so awkward (particularly because I am always so forgiving and polite) and I eventually got sick to death of her nastiness after I had only ever been generous and kind to her.

Never again!!!

Good luck everyone, and I mean it, the minute you feel like 'crap' after speaking to a friend or spending time with them.... that is a sure enough sign and it's better to distance yourself from them early on in the piece before they learn more about you ... enough to use against you later on.


Tina 4 years ago

This site is a godsend to anyone plagued( in 'deadly contagious disease') by a toxic friendship, who is desperately needing to understand the dynamics of these dangerous 'friendships'. Ive read so many excellent examples of the harm they do,but even more importantly- the signs to read and take big heed of. The Most helpful input from this for me is validation that I am a good, decent human being who found myself being dragged down,demoralised,used as a sounding board for all this person's crappy outlook on life. Yes..every time I left her company I never once felt- encouraged, joyful, appreciated as a good friend. Never. And arent all those gifts the basis of how true friends make us feel?Even when life throws problems and things arent so great..a true friend allows you to share and at the very least listens & is concerned (just as you would be for them) But one of the biggest redflag signs, imo of toxicity is a one sided "friendship" where it is all about them- there is (and never will be)room for anyone but themselves in any relationship with these bloodsuckers. Its been a long time coming, to throw off this deadly toxic person from my life, mainly because it was so insidious, I really didn't realise how sick it had become and in being dragged down (once too often) I had forgotten TO THINK OF MYSELF. This toxic friend has been washed down the plughole of life and it feels great!!I had hung in there way too long naively hoping her being around my positivity & upbeat outlook might just help her.Noooo way!She resented my attitude!It dawned on me that she actually enjoys being miserable & negative because it gets her attention-shes just too deluded to realise its all the wrong kind! Like "what's wroooong with misery guts today?"lol. To anyone reading this who's in such a demoralising toxic friendship- take note- it dosent get better with time. Say bye bye for good. (Sadly there may well be another naïve friend-to-be drawn into their toxic web- to fill her needs) But Do Not Let it BE YOU! Go and enjoy your REAL TRUE friends and LIFE!

Claire 4 years ago

I wouldn't call her a friend as such, she was the new girlfriend of my husbands best friend ( who is a really lovely guy), she is used to her boyfriend running around after her and getting everything she wants, I have known him for years but have never seen him under the thumb like this before, but if she make him happy so what. she never does anything for anyone else unless there is a benefit for her and is fiercely jealous. I tend to get on with everyone and see the good side. The only time I ever heard from Sam was when she wanted something, pushing herself on me for her and her boyfriend to come and stay at short notice, I would make sure the house was nice, gave up my bed, made sure we bought all the food she likes ( she is a piggy) and my husband and I took her to nice places. I began to notice how selfish she was, never pleased for anyone, always jealous of her boyfriend talking to anyone, everything was about her, she didn't even have the grace to talk to my 17 year old daughter. This weekend I let her push on me yet again, she would sit on the sofa as usual and I would wait on her hand foot and finger. Then there were the demands, well I want to go out to eat tonight, I want Indian, regardless of what anyone else might want, it would really irk me that both my husband and her boyfriend gary( whom I genuinley like as a friend) would pander to her every wish. I know now that she never really liked me, but it all came to the boil this weekend when we were out for dinner, the restaurant that SHE decided on ( had to be where she wanted to go) she had been drinking quite a bot and started being abusive to me and pointing her knife at me saying I was not attentive enough to her needs, she was so rude and drunk, and my husband just sat there and let her carry on, I was astonished, she loved this and really milked the situation and I was like an outsider at the dinner table. Later that evening when I asked if she wanted to see the band, she tutted and said, don t speak to me you are nothing, and said I should look after her better as she is the guest. My anger got the better of me and I said if that's how she felt then don't come and stay anymore. The four of us went to the pub to see the band and I was left ostracised at the bar, while my husband and her boyfriend continued to pander to her. It was excruciatingly embaressing, I had never seen my husband so cold to me, and she was clearly milking the situation, laughing and joking with the guys and glancing over to me to gloat. It was a silent journey home and when we arrived Gary said sam wanted to leave I agreed it would be for the best. The next day my husband and I had a blazing row, he was siding with this girl who caused all this upset, it's been 4 days now and the atmosphere at home is rubbish, how could he have got it so wrong, I am at a loss.. and I expect she is rubbing her hands, I am such fool for she has left me in a sad place.

Am 4 years ago

I have.......had a friend like that. I have bn friends with her for 22yrs off and on of course. She has always made me uncomfortable an has always turned things around on me. I am 33 now and I need nor want someone like that in my life anymore! I have let her back in to many times and u said it urself... It will keep happening. I have never told her deep dark secrets but ur damn stagily she has told all of mine. I miss her because I don't have any other friend that I talk to everyday like that. Her children and my child are best friends and play every sport together so I have to see her everywhere I go!! She is going thru a divorce right now and I feel bad for not being there for her I just can't anymore.......... Is that wrong of me????

Ariana 4 years ago

To the last posters, I would most definitely say- it IS TIME to distance yourself from the toxic person in your lives. To Claire-the new gf of your husbands best friend is a master manipulator( a red flag sign for toxic friends) and its just unfortunate the men cannot see her for what she is- but her bf will definitely find out the hard way.Sounds like hes allowed himself to be the panderer to her demanding & self absorbed personality- theres never any good come from that kinda twosome.Your husband has also been blinded to her real toxicity, often women are better at reading others real personalities.You're a person who gets on with everyone & sees the good in people-thats admirable! But in this case DO NOT let that stop you from also seeing what's NOT GOOD! Sounds like you've read her right.You have bent over backwards to make her welcome & meet her DEMANDS! Wow those alone tell how everythings always ABOUT HER!What a horrible house guest/member of a night out group! And hows she repaid you?- nastiness by the bucketful! & it will only get worse. DO NOT allow her to destroy your own relationship!Toxic people thrive on others being unhappy(anotherred flag sign) To Am- DO NOT let any feelings of "missing" your toxic friend stop you from making the break!Be prepared for the gap it leaves,that's only natural, as you've been a friend to her-notice I said YOU have(she hasn't to you!) for many years.Because of the childrens connection- if that makes it impossible to stop actually "seeing" her, just make sure any conversation is about the children-their sports and keep anything of a personal nature off topic.You've opened your eyes to her toxic ways- DO NOT close them again!Hopefully (if you're determined to be good to yourself) the "friendship" will die a natural death.Put your own wellbeing first.Most toxic people know how to manipulate 101 so she will have other "victims" to listen to her woe-is-me tales of her divorce.Keep telling yourself you deserve a better friend-a REAL friend- and someone good will come into your life to remind just how GOOD & HEALTHY friednships can and should be! A toxic friend is DEFINITELY NOT BETTER THAN NO FRIEND. Ive recently distanced myself from a toxic friend of over 20 years, and I wonder WHY I didn't do this years ago!Its only by doing this that you're able to see how one sided, energy sucking,and joyless such a "friendship" was. No one needs or deserves that! Wishing you both all the best!

nancy byrd 4 years ago

i thought i had toxic relationships but the more i read here i am question myself. i see a pattern forming that i am the toxic friend. at the moment there are so many people i realized i have harmed.

Aine 4 years ago

Thank you for that..I needed that..also I think you have to be ready to end the friendship..I was so embarrassed that a woman of my age could fall into a friendship like that and let it last for so they say we learn at all ages. This friend nearly destroyed my whole life even that of my children. But boy do I feel so good in from her manipulating stupid plans.

Someone 4 years ago

Toxic friends are dangerous. They don't just bring you down; the can turn you into a milder version of themselves. We as human beings are tuned into becoming more socially acceptable by mimicking those we are around on some subconscious level.

It can start out small; it's very hard to be positive towards others if you are with a friend who was negative. Or if they are are always critical and judgmental, you'll find yourself more critical of yourself, if not others. If they are self-centered, then you get so used to fighting for attention that you can become "me,my,mine" in turn. If they gossip, then you in turn might be more inclined to share personal information either about yourself or others.

I'm having a heck of time from this. I've mostly ditched the idea of actually being friends with a woman I know. However, now I'm trying to shake what I realize are bad habits I formed as a result from this friendship. I talk about myself way too much without showing as much interest in others, I'm suffering from very low self-esteem, and I have a tendency to gossip, and these things were not like me before I knew her. I myself am now a toxic friend when I don't make the effort to shed these bad habits. Fortunately, the good habits are replacing the old ones as I try, and I have friends who are willing to remind if I slip up.

Somebody 4 years ago

I had a friend like this

violin 4 years ago

I think we shouldn't even love friends whom we don't hang out with. "WE BECOME WHO ARE FRIENDS ARE!"

Stacey 4 years ago

I have a question instead of a comment. Last week I received and email, yes email, from my ex best friend telling me how much of a horrible, self centered, negative person I am. I don't think I'll have a problem getting over the axed relationship, but she is now hanging out with my sister-in-law and has made contact multiple times with my other sister-in-law. How do I deal? I can't ask my sisters-in-law to not make contact with her because I believe it's wrong of me to tell them who they can and can't be friends with. Anyone able to give some advice?

panda 4 years ago

I had a friend who I told something very personal and private about myself. She ended up making fun of me for it in front of other people. So she basically told others and put me down for it at the same time. Needless to say, I keep my distance from her now..

Trudie 4 years ago

That's so often a dilemma faced by ex friends of toxic people-you don't want your experience to influence others,so you stand back, say nothing and really want to believe that the reasons for your ex friendship can stay just between the two of you, and you simply trust the others to know you well enough..not to be unduly influenced..BUT the very reason you realised the toxicity of your ex friend...was that person had NO BOUNDARIES of what's right or wrong to say about anyone ..and you just KNOW they'll be dissing you to everyone(and if theres nothin you're guilty of you can be sure they'll have no qualms about inventing something/s!) Years ago when faced with this situation- I kept my own counsel and totally trusted others not to be influenced but unfortunately they were just too gullible/naïve to see they were being manipulated by the "other's" words. It was extremely hurtful to realise people can be so fickle.But I slowly regained trust in others and made new friendships. However I obviously hadn't done with "learnin lessons" on this very important part of life, & recently realised how toxic a a particular "friend" was, and the necessity to end it. I am now in your situation-hoping it can be left like that,but already Ive noticed a few others we mutually kno, who Ive always been friendly with,are cool towards me. So maybe this time I actually NEED to speak up for myself & NOT leave it to CHANCE. Something like.. "My friendship with x has ended, but Im trusting that you wont let anything you may hear change OUR friendship?"

After that, there is really nothing anyone can do to stop someone being influenced negatively. That's their call AND their own learning curve!

Sunny1920 4 years ago

I am glad I found this article. I have had several toxic friends in my life and two at the same time once. The main one totally turned my world upside down. She started off with small things by ridiculing you and being your critic in a negative way. Add alcohol to her she becomes this abusive monster. She has even slapped me in a bar, chased me all the way home because I left her to further beat me up, and I called the police. The police did nothing when I wanted her out of my house from the assault. They thought it was a joke with a woman beating another woman. She felt it was in her right to do that because I left her there at the bar from the first slap. She slapped me because she was upset I was moving.

You clearly have some serious abandonment issues and alcohol problems. I felt the need to leave I knew it was going to get ugly, but it didn't work. I was not friends with her after that anymore. Somehow she worked herself back in to where I let her in. My friends and my family all said not to, she is a dark person. I didn't listen I thought I would give her another chance as a friend. I felt bad for her too having financial struggles and roommates not treating her nice as well.

I wanted to help her. The more I was around her the worse she became. She was a nasty bully with me I don't know why. She even tried to start a nasty fight with my Mom and I once calling my mother at 2:30am saying I was drunk and need rehab. Mom almost believed her when she called her to tell her this. First off I did not drink that much and when I did I only had a few. This friend would drink herself into a psychotic abyss. I went to grab my cell phone from her to talk to my Mom. Mom said something I can't remember what it is now, but it was to the point she almost sided with this girl. I called Mom the C word. I would never in my life say those words to my mother. I felt she is choosing this crazy woman over her daughter to listen to believing her crap. I went to leave her house that night with some other friends. She became so belligerent towards me for leaving that she tried to beat me up again in the parking lot outside of her house. At this point I was done with her. This is psychotic! I was able to get away having got lost in the neighborhood and her calling the police on me saying some strange woman is lost in the neighborhood. Police gave me a ride home and got me dinner =) If she was not being nice, she was being evil. She would say certain things when you decided to stand up for yourself. She would say: "You are the one being a &*%$. No one likes you. I am a true friend and the only one there for you. Your other friends they are not, you are not a friend. I thought you changed and I am the one who has changed," blah blah blah. If you decided to bail out on hanging out with her she would throw a fit of curse words at you hoping you feel bad about yourself and about not showing up. That is why I didn't want to show up to the event! She did this over not coming to a movie for crying out loud. She would call me over and over just to curse me out. My toxic friend tried to say she bought me a movie ticket and paid for it already and now wasted money. I knew she was lying about that because she never pays for herself when out and about. I always paid the bill mostly. There were times if there was a house party and if you even had one drink or two, she would try to call out to the whole party you are a drunk lunatic when you know you are fine. Or she would make up stories that I sat on the stair well crying saying: "I have no friends and no one here likes me." She would try to convince you that happened. First off I was sober I remember the whole night and no that did not happen. This girl was insane. Why did I stay friends with her?

Mom and I were fine after awhile, but this woman was no longer allowed in my parents house for anything. Somehow she got back in my life again. Why did I let her back in after what happened before? She apologized profusely and said I was a good friend and begged for forgiveness. This was after 3 months of not speaking to her or associating with her. I fell for it.

For the first month everything seemed alright. My friends were angry I was trying to be friends with her again. They said she is bad news stay away from her. I knew that, but still wanted to give her more benefit of the doubt.

Long story short, one night her boyfriend beat me up when I was in bed asleep at her house. I tried to call the cops for the assault, but she would not let me. She pulled the phone cord out of the wall jack and held the phone for dear life from me. Her boyfriend kept coming after me to hurt me more. I have no idea why. It was insane. I finally had to get out of there since I could not call the police for help.

I got out of there after he chased me down the stairs after having me by the throat and grabbing my arms to throw me off the bed. I grabbed my purse and went to my car to drive off. I had a few drinks that night and I knew I was at risk driving. I did not want to drive, but I felt there was no where else to go that was not safe there.

I was going to pull off to the side of the road across the street and call 9-1-1 to report this. Instead I was pulled over by the police. The same officer that was at her house previously helping her from her boyfriend with another assault. I got busted on a DWI. The officer knew of the violence in this home and asked my why I was crying and where the bruises came from. I explained and he didn't care. I know I was driving after drinking, but still there was assault here too.

This so called friend threatened me if I did anything to her or her baby's Daddy there would be hell to pay.

My attorney and a private investigator was able to pull out the truth and find out she had called the same officer who she was friends with to find me out on the street to bust me for a DWI to avoid me charging them with assault.

It almost worked and it had. In fact the prosecutor wanted to make an example out of me which my friend felt the need to contact and make things worse. I was almost locked up in a rehab and a mental institution. This toxic friend convinced prosecution side of the court I was mentally unstable and needed professional help. They believed her until my attorney stepped into prove the case.

I am ok now and charges were dropped on me. No DWI.

The point is, you are who you hang with.

I had no idea what that meant until that traumatizing moment of my life.

I never spoke to her again and it has been 3 years. Life has been so much better and I have never been in trouble like that since. I was so close to losing a good chunk of my life to an institution over this toxic friend. She was really good at acting and convincing others even the courts. My attorney however, was the only one who could not be fooled.

Mom taught me if someone does it once they will do it again and again and again. I have seen that be true several times. So trust is earned. Thank you for sharing this article on Toxic Friends and those of you sharing your stories. I honestly was on research to see if there are others experiencing "friends" like this. This story I have shared is forever long and lots of parts were left out. I am writing a book about it though. I am thankful to know I am not alone in this.

west 4 years ago

I have a toxic sibling. I have been physically and emotionally abused by them all of my life. Recently they lashed out in unjustified anger at my child. Up until now, I've worked very hard at being there for this person and always inviting them and their family to gatherings. But they have crossed the line. It is not that I won't forgive them, God commands forgiveness (I am a Christian), but I will no longer allow this sibling into my home, and I will not longer attend events with them. I have to protect my kids.

Kk 4 years ago

I hope it all works out some times friends can be mean!:(

Marian 4 years ago

Wow Sunny I sure am glad your toxic friend is a thing of your past not present and you've learnt so much from that experience-although the hard way. I hate how once you've made the decision to end a toxic friendship- it often gets even worse, but at least when that happens its a sign we did the right thing! Don't you hate it when the ex friend spreads all kind of untruths and beacause we do the decent thing- and let others make up their own minds- often they are taken in big time(cos toxic people are often very good manipulators and liars)And that hurts big time. To know weve done nothing wrong(except be a friend to the WRONG kinda person! And we wait...for others to realise the same thing..but it sometimes takes years, and by then the damage is done again.

Chris 4 years ago

I had friend who done many of the things spoken in the article, It's like a flash back when I think about it. You know I loved my friend a lot, a small part of me still misses the times when our friendship was pleasant. She was like a rose that eventually withered, She was the sweetest person in my life at the time before it went sour. After 2 years I started to open my eyes when her behavior turned vicious, eventually her secretive motives started to show through. She was toxic, and with that being said, she started making my life hell. I think what hurt me the most was that she could never be fully honest with me yet she always expected such honesty out of me. She used and abused everyone she seemed to come in contact with. Her destructive behavior and constantly using projection to escape responsibility for her own actions not only wrecked our friendship but it also destroyed many of her other friendships she had with other people throughout her life, it was always someone else's fault in her opinion. She did try crawling back into my life about 6 months later, I never allowed her to waste another minute of my time though. It's sad when friendships go bust over toxic behavior

Anne 4 years ago

Wow! Thank you everyone for sharing your stories. By sharing, you are really helping others RECOGNIZE toxic friend behavior. Some are subtle so it may not be as clear.

I think that when you keep the focus on YOURSELF, you won't fall prey to these toxic life drainers. Here are some tips I can share:

1. Your life, your preferences, your time comes first. Don't let anyone bully you into doing anything you don't feel comfortable doing, especially if it only seems to benefit them.

2. Live your life to keep it interesting. You can't force friendships, you can only attract interest. By taking control of your life, you're not settling for less. The worst time to find friends is when you feel like you really need some. Energy drainers can sense your desperation and know that you'll settle for anything. Don't find friends, find HOBBIES. Then, friends will come naturally from those hobbies.

3. Set boundaries right away. You have to have a middle ground between being nice and approachable to being a doormat. Write down for yourself very specifically what it would take for someone to cross your line. How many times would you let an unexplainable no-show slide? What are some specific things you'd look for in order for someone to gain your friendship?

4. After each encounter with someone, evaluate the experience. Rate it from a 1-10 and write it down in a journal. The ratings should increase over time. If they decrease, don't waste any more effort into that relationship. You should feel supported, energized, relaxed, happy after spending time with a real friend, not like you're walking on eggshells. Do they ever congratulate you? Do they let you talk or do they do all the talking? Do they value your opinion?

5. Think of friendship as a bank. Are you getting back as much as you put into it?

6. Do you follow through on the consequences you've set once someone's crossed your line? Some people become toxic friends simply because no one's ever given them limits. They have to start learning sometime, and that learning process could start with you. Think of it as you are doing a favor for the next person they "befriend." Remember, YOU teach people how to treat you. If you settle for less, you're creating your own mess.

chris 4 years ago

I had a friend who I thought was a friend. Until a mutual friend of ours got really sick at the time and was life treatening condition. During the time my friend had broken up with her long term boyfriend. When she broke the news, I had invited to my house or offered to meet with her if she needed to talk about her break up. However she was not ready to talk. Meanwhile I had been visiting the other friend as she was still very critically ill. I would sometimes update the friend to hos the sick friend was doing and would ask her how she was after the breakup and invited to my house as she to chat and catch up. However she kept blowing me off and been really flakey towards me. So for this reason I backed off, as thought she was still hurt over her breakups. A few weeks later I was visiting the mutual friend, and I was given the impression that the friend had been talking to her . She kept mentioning bout the friend needing people she wanted around her as it hard after a break up. I got the impression that I was accused of not been there for her which defendily not the case. I letter found out that she had been talking to my sick friend and was telling her how I was not there for her and I was to occupied with concerning about the friend who is sick. I was so annoyed that she would say something so untrue especially after the ordeal our mutual friend had been through and that if she felt neglected in anyways she should have talked to me. From that moment on I felt there was nothing left in the friendship, so I ended all contact with her. Still hurt over the behavior of her but I am glad were not friends.

Someone else 4 years ago

Yeah Ive had an ex toxic friend like yours. It was all about her. While you were being there for both your friends, the 'me me me'one wouldve been expecting all your attention- don't you know she is the centre of the universe?? and nothing else matters!If the mutual friend had died the other would be jealous of the attention she got! Nothing anyone ever does is enough- these toxics work from a whole different level than us!Empathy, consideration and genuine concern are only things others should have (for them!)Your ex toxic friend wasn't worthy of you. There are no words to really

explain how hurtful their actions are but the lesson learned is so valuable and Im never gonna waste my friendship again.

cmrg 4 years ago

I am going thru this very thing right now. I have done not only a lot for this girl, and always been there for her whenever she wanted me to, but I have done a great amount for her family as well. I turned down a job as a matter of fact so that I could help the family out while they were going thru a hard time. It apparently doesn't matter to them, they have stabbed me in the back and thrown me to the curb all because I am finally standing up for myself.

I have anxiety and I am always afraid that when things like this happen there will be the backlash and the slander. It is ridiculous, and this just shows me that things will be ok. Thank you for this.

Glenn Stok profile image

Glenn Stok 4 years ago from Long Island, NY

Reading your Hub and reading through some of the comments I see that it is quite common for people to have toxic friends. I had a friend that I've known since the age of five who turned out to be very toxic later in life. There were many clues in our childhood, but I ignored them.

When he got married he began abusing his wife from the beginning. That's when I realized that I did not want this person in my life as a friend. But being a childhood friend I continued on.

I changed my mind and decided to end the friendship when he started asking me to lie to his wife. His wife divorced him and he continued to ask me to lie to her so that he could avoid paying child support. I kept out of it as much as I could. But it was not comfortable.

I didn't want to be in the middle of all this and that's when I finally ended it. I sent him a four-page letter explaining how I felt. But he was in such denial he couldn't understand a word I'm saying. He claimed, insread, that his ex was brainwashing me. That really doesn't matter. The point is I don't have to communicate with him anymore.

kaela 4 years ago

i have a friend at school that i care about but she turned the tables on me when i snapped at her once for bugging me. when i said i was sorry she than started a personal grudge against me in attempt to hurt me...she was nice to everyone else except me.later she snapped at a friend of hers and she said sorry and they made up instantly, i don't understand our relationship anymore. im going to break it off tomorrow.

Mary 4 years ago

My relationship with my older sister (by 14 years) has had its ups and downs. I finally gave up after decades of abuse, backstabbing, and attacks. Listening to her complaints and gossip three or four times a day wore me down. I'm done. A toxic personality if there ever was one. I liked the comment about how can people like this think their behavior is appropriate in any way. I can answer this--from dealing with Sis, she is a complete narcissist. They never think they are wrong, are usually martyrs, and viciously attack everyone and everything. Everything, EVERYTHING, is an issue. I love this woman as my sister and wish her well. This is the most Christian attitude I can come up with at this time.

Sign me,

Relieved to have taken my life back in Minnesota.

christopher warren 4 years ago

I went through 3 years of bullying at school. I now at the ripe age of 24 have a really toxic friendship.He always abusing me and making me feel so worthless. He always comes to my house and I don't know what to do. He is the only friend I have. ):

Someone else 4 years ago

Christopher please read all the posts before yours- you will learn all the signs of a toxic 'friend' and the harm they do. You'll see from other's experiences that a toxic friendship is NOT something you have to endure and settle for. These people have personality defects which make them this way-you do not need to be their doormat to wipe their feet on.They operate from a completely different level from others, they need to put others down to feel good about themselves, any relationship with a toxic "friend" is a one sided one. Its likely that your experience of being bullied at school has damaged your self esteem and subconsciously you have been vunerable to being treated less than you deserve by this current toxic person- who's abusive behaviour only continues as long as theres someone who will take it (even if its something you've only recently become aware of) Do not believe for one more minute that just because they're your only "friend"?this HAS to continue. Just be otherwise busy when they come over (even if you have to invent things!)Distance yourself from this 'friendship' & you will find a new found strength and pride in yourself-those qualities will help you to make new friends in time.

Rebekah 4 years ago

That's a great list, Anne, so helpful! I'm going to write it down!

mismazda profile image

mismazda 4 years ago from a southern georgia peach

Yeap I had a toxic friend, and I had to end that friendship....exspecially when she started telling petty lies on me....voted up.

thess 4 years ago

What if your "toxic" friend is a christian. You go in the same church. How can I have a Christlike heart and attitude towards her?

Cristina 3 years ago

I have a toxic friend in my life right now. He doesn't call me & when he does contact me, its just to use me to get what he wants. I keep this toxic friend in my life because i care a lot about him & my heart loves him very much. I hurt everyday because this friend is causing me pain. What do i do? Someone out there please give me advice.

Sandrine.NYC 3 years ago

i felt that my long term friendship with my bestfriend isn't right anymore. So i met this girl when i was in college.and as a teenager as i want to be popular and be cool in the eyes of and my so called best friend always party almost many immoral things we shared...even if its againts my values..i joined her engaged insex,boys,stealing, be accepted.i think that's what bonded us..but on the other hand when we were sober,she's so me presents,giving advices and always keeping in touch..i felt loved and accepted..then she stopped college..and i continue.. Few years later,i realized im not getting any younger so i decided to stop my stupidity and focus on my future, i met my fiancée and we had a life together...on the other hand my bestfriend always invite me to hangout and party and do business with her but i don't like it anymore.its not my priority.maybe i was also a bad friend for always declining but it didn't felt right anymore...that's when the time she attacked me with hurtful words .i always declined to her invites because i had my own priorities.i told her that i she made me feel that im the most pessimistic person.she got mad if i declined to her agendas, telling me its for my own good and making me believe its an oppurtunity for me.making me a shoulder to cry on because of her stupid decisions in business and unfaithful boyfriend causes me to be burned to emotionally and physically since she want to talk for 15 hours.those triggered me to also nag about negative side of my life..and i felt bad about it...i want to be there for her but i know for a fact i got my own things to do.besides i felt that she's using me somehow and influencing me to substance abuse,she believe i need to hangout with her because she can give me so many oppurtunities.she's so self centered,she belive she's an expert,full of drama about her body,lovelife and money.when i'm with her my mind is one way or another she has helped me but she also contributed to my wrong actions although i'm accountable for it but shes too clingy and want to influence all your decisions.i want to save the friendship but i need to save my self first...i have changed to be a better Christian and repent for my sins. I felt that our relationship isn't right anymore,i followed my heart and values which is differon froms hers..getting rid of people who take me away from Christ..i had peace thats's what matter the most

ridiculouslyperfectlyimperfect 3 years ago


Mine does this to me all the time. She pounds on my door, shows up at all times even though she knows i don't like company that much, invites me to crap i hate (sports) and then makes me pay the parking fees.....and gas too for that matter, she has a knack at winning tickets, makes me take her to the station to pick them up then divies them up to all her other friends though im the one that actually did all the money part of it. Im sick of it too.. then, to top it all off she calls me to tell me she gave the tickets that were to be mine to someone else. why the heck would she do that? IM SO DONE

Red on the head 3 years ago

I watched my toxic friend be toxic to her husband, her son, her grandsons

and even a lady her brother was married to. I need to get her out of my

life and keep her out of it. She tries to invite herself over and ambushed

my ex husband out in the yard the other day. I was nice but good and rude

about rushing her off.

Starz 3 years ago

I have had this complex relationship with my friend foe 16 years it started with her being interested in me sexually but I could not reciprocate though I loved her very much

Through the years we have kept our friendship but she is always very passive aggressive calls me only when she's down then she can be caring and flirtatious

I was always there for her evn got her a job in my work

Now she's friends with a girl half her age and is being dismissive of me

She even humiliates me in front of her

I was angry and sad too, finally I told her I was done with her, she said, good

I am so depressed week later I apologized in an email, she totally ignored that and did not respond

What should I do

martina 3 years ago

My ex toxic friend exhibited all of the above behaviors when things started to go bad with one exception: instead of going after my husband's affection, she did it with my kids. She started trying to outmom me with my own kids. That was the ultimate last straw. I sent her an email about this and she replied that she was giving my kids the extra attention I couldn't give them and she was not sorry that she is a more nurturing person than me. She is not. I broke off all contact and she is trash talking me to anyone who will listen. Now she has a new BFF. She will be next on the chopping block.

mew 3 years ago

Oh yeah..toxic all right. I don't know why I found it so comforting to read the above posts. probably to realise I'm not alone. I cut a toxic friend from my life three years ago. This week she tried to communicate but I quickly blocked her on chat.

My friend and I met in college. I came from a troubled background and was often depressed. my friend made disparaging remarks about my depression to others and avoided me when I was low (I'd sit quietly and only reply in monosyllabic manner, no violence or anger). After a few people told me about it, I decided to work on myself instead of judging or blaming her. I turned my life around. Got a good job, an apartment, became more social, more cheerful... Then this friend started making disparaging remarks about my new life. She'd ring me up and laugh off my promotions, my new friends, my social life. If anything went wrong, she'd sit with this gleeful look on her face. Sent me cutting messages when I got rid of a toxic relative. After she got married her Mother in law and brother in law showed big interest inknowing me so she fed them a bunch of lies about me (I lived in a different city so it's not like I'd have taken over her life). The axe came when she called me and kept repeatedly being nasty despite me showing concern for her and trying my hardest to keep the conversation civil. After a while, it just got to me and I made a snide comment back, she quickly said "bye". usually, this was the cue in our communication for me to apologise and listen to her rudeness some more. I just said "bye" and hung up. changed my number the next day.

I feel really silly for having supported her through break ups and lows and difficult situations. when I look back at our friendship, I realise she made me miss good opportunities like when an internationally known photographer wanted to click my pics after seeing me at a theatre rehearsal, and she talked me out of it. Or when a group of girls invited me to a party after a talk but she refused to go so I had no choice but to accompany her back.

She's out of my life and she's staying there.

Sandra 3 years ago

Can I post without an account?

Sandra 3 years ago

This post is dead on. For many years I thought I had an issue. I thought I was a bad person, but lately I have been doing numerous amount of self reflection and realized many things. I have a friend whom I have known for 10+ years. She appears to be a nice friend and gets along with everyone. As for me I am rather shy and introverted. I have don't have much friends. Over the years I have realized I have been isolated by this "best friend" of mine. All the people that I try to be friends with end up being closer friends to her and they rarely talk to me. She has kept me isolated to her own benefit and keeps me around as a constant friend all to herself. She has many friends and she would hang out with them. When I start to go off on my own to make friends she would come back instantly. I had told her about how I felt, she asks me "are you saying I'm preventing you from making friends?". On the outside she appears to be a big sister helping me with this helping me with that, but there were times that I didn't need the help but I just let her do it anyways since I didn't want to make a fuss over it. Sometimes I feel like our friendship isn't equal. I feel taken advantage of but I didn't want to tell her how I felt because they were small issues and I didn't want to appear to be needy and have princess syndrome. There were times when I get to the point of frustration and don't say anything. A lot of feelings get pent up and I think this is when I seem like the bad person. Her friends would always side with her and as for me I was by myself all isolated. I felt very depressed. She is very persuasive. She tells me how the people she hangs around thinks about me (negative things). I think the reason I kept her around because she helps me at times but what I didn't realize was she was more detrimental than helpful. She slanders and gossips and manipulates. She likes to gain people's trust and play messenger. She tells person A a negative thing about person B has said about her and then elicit a negative response from person A and goes back to tell person B. In other words she likes to create opposition between me and other people. She was toxic for sure. There were many circumstances that brought us together and it was hard to avoid her. It was a vicious cycle between us. There were times we were very close and then there were times we don't talk. I am quite simple and genuine and I usually tell her how my life is (which I think was overly stupid of me which made me an easy target). But as for her she doesn't tell you about her life unless you pry her with questions. When I realized this I began to tell her less things about me. As an introvert, I don't have much going on in life. When I don't talk as much about myself at times she probably saw me hiding things from her. She would go in depth to ask about my life. This made me very uncomfortable and yet I felt obligated to answer her questions because I am her friend. This went on for many years sadly. She had no boundary with questions and I felt violated by her at times. She always wanted what I have. I had a lot of guys liking me and she didn't. I tried to down play it during those times because I couldn't do anything it. Up to this day, I have things that she wants. I have tried talking to her less as I realized what kind of person she is. All along I thought I was the bad person but I began to see the true side of her. Late but I still have time to run for my life

Sandra 3 years ago

Few things that I want to add to the comment above. Lessons that I have learned is if you let things go thinking it's ok, you have made a big mistake. This would occur in the future which would only get you later on and eat you up inside. If a friend can't act like a grown up and you give them chances to change, you might as well move on and find a new friend. And be sure never let them back in your life. If you think talking to them occasionally wouldn't hurt, wrong. They would try to find every little way to get back in your life (from asking others or talking to mutual friends about you). Also, the toxic friend can also conceal her ugly side by portraying a nice exterior to everyone that she encounters and if you tell others about her others most likely won't believe you because they never got that treatment from her nor do they have the things that she is jealous of/admire of them to be her target. In addition, never fall for anyone who is too helpful. Chances are they are out to lure you, and blind fold you to their hidden agenda.

unfriend you 3 years ago

I have a friend who has done most things on this blog. It annoys me to realize that she is toxic and I had to learn it the hard way. We have been long time friends. She is very nice, fun, and outgoing. While I was her friend, I had no friends. We went to the same schools. It was hard to make new friends as she saw me going in one direction, she beats me before I get there. She always wanted to be first in everything even in befriending the people that I wanted to be friends with. Many years have gone by now. She is still the same. She is very influential and tells people things that I tell her. She is a real diaster to have in life.

Janet 3 years ago

I've also had a horrible friend. It's really funny though, because nobody liked her and I was willing to be her friend. She became influential and became really close to my cousin. She would always compare me and my cousin and made me feel less than her. She always embarrassed me and made me feel worthless. Than when I would stand up to her, she would act like the best friend in the whole world. She made me feel ugly inside, stole all my friends, and made me feel like the loser cousin. She publicly humiliated me and I wouldn't stand up to her. She ruined my life and I became depressed and I wasn't the same person I used to be. I had no interests and made horrible grades. I forgot who I was and became reclusive. Now that I don't have her in my life, I am much happier. I know who I am now and love life. I have changed, but I know how to stand up for myself and I respect myself. I should have stood up for myself since the beginning, but I learned a valuable lesson.

Michelle 3 years ago

I'm glad I don't have these kind of people in my life. It's a shame that some people are so toxic. Look life is a struggle people! One looks to find love, friendship, yourself,etc why live your life just in the struggle stage? Dwelling on things that in reality don't matter, someone else's life should not concern you, if they are happy that is all you should ever want as a FRIEND. The end result is...we all just want to be happy, So criticizing and judging someone else's life is not what you do as a friend. Be a friend to someone by just being there. Friends drift apart and may not talk for a while's LIFE, and it does get in the way sometimes, as you get older things become more important, family, marriages, and jobs. These things are all a sign of getting older and wiser. I respect anyone who changes for the better. A sign of immaturity and jealousy is someone worrying about themselves and saying things like, "you said we were friends but I guessed that's changed since you've got a new ...this or that."the true sign of a toxic person is someone asking you, " When did you change?" The only thing you should be asking them is why haven't you?? Change is a good word if used properly, it's acknowledging you've pointed out where you've gone wrong and fixed it. If your car tire went flat would you still drive on it? Or get out and fix the problem. If everyone did this our friendships and relationships with people would get better. So if you know someone like this article please take a step back from things let them sort out the ugliness they put on others. This is truly the best thing you can do for them as a good friend. Live life and be happy for the things you have not what you could have, its about the present, so why don't we be present and take charge of our actions. Xoxo

rachel 2 years ago

Toxic friend alert! Beware of friends like anna!

Kathleen Cochran profile image

Kathleen Cochran 2 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

For more than four years this hub has generated comments because so many of us have been in the same situation. Mine was with my sister, and like you, attacking my children was where I finally drew the line. After two years of not speaking, we agreed to disagree for the sake of our mother and began a new relationship but with definite boundaries. It wasn't that I couldn't forgive. I couldn't not know what I knew about my sister. So my defenses were always going to be up when they hadn't been before. Today, we are actually quite close. The death of our mother drew us together.

My daughter dealt with a toxic friendship through high school and college. Finally as adults my daughter called her friend on what she was doing and the friend honestly made an effort to change. I think the friend could make those changes as an adult (and had seen the damage she'd done to herself) that she couldn't make as a teenager.

Many people have benefited from your hub. That's a great accomplishment.

Irythom 2 years ago

My so called best friend used her controlling ways to tell me that we are best friends. I put up with her crap for years. No wonder I had a pit in my gut about her. I would dismiss that feeling because she would slip up and be nice to me. Then when she needs an ego boost, she'll criticise me. It's time for her to go.

Irythom 2 years ago

And another thing... Now that I now realize that I was in a mentally abusive TOXIC friendship, I know why she "told" me that we were best friends 24 years ago. She saw that I was loyal. I'm loyal to ALL of my friends. As the years passed, I've always been there for her despite her controlling and judgemental ways. She often set the ground rules for "best friends" by saying "I'll never tell your business". "if anyone bothers my best friend, I'll kill em". So I thought she was sincere. No. She said that because she knew my loyalty would do the same with her. She married her high school sweetheart and I've never been married. I would share dating stories with her and if I found someone I liked, she would plant a negative seed about him. If I chose to deal with a guy on a "friends with benefit" level, she'll say "have a bit of respect for yourself". She's been married forever and it's easy for her to judge single life. No guy met her approval. I thought "since we're best friends", I want her to like him. So when I would say something nice about him, she'll shrug it off. She made comments about her friends/family's success's being undeserved because she was more qualified. If she didn't acquire the same things, she'd be depressed asking "what did I do wrong"? That should've made me realize more of how she was. She often called me to get her out of her depressed moods. At the time, she was well advanced in her career than me, but I gave her encouragement and took the abuse because I was loyal and that's what a best friend should be. I felt drained every time I was around her. I tried to cut her off, but she told me that my negative mood toward her was because I was grieving my father's death. I thought she was right and she manipulated herself into my life again. So, for years, I've been tolerating her because she's lost many friends being toxic. She talked about her friends cutting her off to me and I used to feel sorry for her by encouraging her that it was their problem. Shoot, I wish I'd cut of off as well. My friends warned me about her, but I dismissed it thinking "she did throw me a surprise birthday party".. or "she did give me expensive gifts for xmas, so she must've not meant the things she did to me". Bull.. Now I know she did those nice things for to feel better about treating me so badly. The last straw was that every time I would send her a pic of me at a gathering, or me with a new hairdo, or me dressed up for new years' eve, she wouldn't comment on how I looked. She would complement the others who are in the pic with me as if I wasn't there. I gave her chance after chance to prove me wrong. I sent one last pic of me and my sister hoping that she would comment on me. It was obvious that I looked different with long hair. She commented "your sister looks really nice". There's no need for me to mention it because it's not worth it. She would only justify it by saying that she didn't like my hair so she didn't say anything. But dang. What about a sideway comment like, I like your dress. Heck. She never complimented before my new look. She's toxic and now I realize that she's jealous of me. It does hurt knowing after all of these years, I've hung in there giving her chance after chance, but she always prove me wrong.

monica 2 years ago

My name is Roland monica from Houston,taxes.i never believed in love spells or magic until i met this spell caster once. when i went to Africa in June 28th 2013 this year on a business summit. i ment a man called DR omoba. He is powerful he could help you cast a spells to bring back my love’s gone,misbehaving lover looking for some one to love you, bring back lost money and magic money spell or spell for a good job.i’m now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 3 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 2 years… i really loved him, but his mother was against me and he had no good paying job. so when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to first i was undecided,skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. and in 6 days when i returned to taxes, my boyfriend (is now my husband ) he called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married..i didn’t believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do… well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid,and my husband also got a new job and our lives became much better. in case anyone needs the spell caster for some help, email address:

Sharon 2 years ago

I am so thankful for these blogs. When you are dealing with the demise of a friendship - it is rare to find a confidant to be able to explain or understand the feelings we experience. I had a friend unfriend me on Facebook . When I reflect on the history of our friendship, she was very envious and I realize she only kept me as a 'wing man' because I was older, fatter yet if I got any attention - she would be livid and sabotage any way possible. Never ever gave me a compliment that I can re-call in our almost 20 year friendship. I always encouraged her and gave her compliments. I introduced her to my friends and she e-mail them and exclude me from things yet would never include me in her other activities. If I ever shared my crushes - she would hit on them yet later say how disgusting they were. I also am an introvert and do not have many friends and find it difficult to make friends very easily. These experiences have made me even more wary of women friends. Thanks for 'listening'.

Zara 2 years ago

I have been in a toxic friendship for about 15 years. In recent years it has become almost unbearable and essentially had to end the friendship. I am a shyer, introverted type and this friend is very loud and abrasive. By nature I would consider myself an honest person and always try my best to do the "right" thing and treat others how I would like to be treated. My toxic friend is quick to point out my flaws and is extremely judgemental of others. She loves to bring up embarassing stories about me from years ago in large groups of people. I tried to explain how the constant criticism and the constant need to make fun of me is emotionally draining and just too much but she did not seem to get it. Instead she told me that I am too sensitive.

Am I crazy or is this manipulative behavior? How could someone argue that this childish behavior is ok? I have never had anyone belittle me the way this girl has. She continues to contact me and wants to continue the friendship but how can I be friends with someone who can't even understand that this is wrong?

Please help!

Smartgirlnow 2 years ago

In answer to Zara - the key is to make yourself happy. When we get happy, confident and secure in ourselves, these mean girls will not be able to subject their abuse on us. I have experienced similar behaviour from my so-called friends and having worked in a female dominated environment for 30+ years - trust me, a lot of women just want to one-up, compete and be the prettiest, smartest and most popular. Because our personality is non-confrontational and I have experienced many of the same issues you describe, these bully-type women find friends like us that put up with their put-downs so they can feel superior. It took me until I was in my 40's to get a backbone and speak up for myself. I hope I do not sound too jaded because I am not saying ALL women are like this - but I have observed a lot of it in my almost 50 years especially growing up in a large extended family with cousins, aunts, in-laws etc. Once you educate yourself on the behaviour - it really helps. Like Eleanor Roosevelt "No one can make you inferior without your consent". If your friend is work trying to explain that you no longer will tolerate her put-downs but if not, move on and you will find genuine people that do value your kindness and friendship.

Zara 2 years ago

Thanks! This definitely helps. I think the final straw for me was at my brothers wedding. She was invited along with her family (our parents are friends also which makes this all more awkward) and she always finds a way to ruin important events for me. She was calling me awkward and kept making rude comments. This is such typical behavior and I'm sick of it. It is always as though she has to be the center of attention even if it's at my expence. Is this typical of toxic friends?

Smartgirlnow 2 years ago

She is envious of you. Trust me. This is her way to lash out and it is sign of major insecurity. Kill her with kindness and do not let her get you down. Once you have it figured out, her stuff will not even bother you anymore. I have found that dealing with these kind of people is to limit time with them but since they are also family friends, be positive and pleasant if/when your paths cross. I would TOTALLY ignore her rude comments. I have made me my best friend and use positive self-talk to get through these situations (a few glasses of wine help too). I had a cousin like this growing up. We were like sisters but she belittled me and I was so used to this type of treatment that it felt natural so I transitioned to other bully girls through out my youth and it was not until I 'grew up' was more confident and successful in my career etc. A new friend drew it to my attention one day asking me if I was sure this was my 'best friend because she sure is mean to you'. It is almost like being in an abusive relationship, it may start of so subtle and before you know it, your self esteem is hovering at such a low ebb, you do not even realize that you are being abused! Google "Friends for a Reason, Friends for a Season" verse. It has helped me a lot when I have had painful friendship issues. Not sure if you are religious but there is also another verse from Mother Teresa: Do It Anyway. Hope this helps!

Kyndrid 2 years ago

In regards to Zara's post. When I read it I felt as if I could have written those words about this 'so called' friend I have in my life.

Known her for 15, 20 years. Ever since High School. We are both in our 30's now. I was quiet and shy back then. Not as much anymore but she obviously, still sees me that way.

At times she is fine to hang out with. Other times though she will be really judgemental, critical, point out my flaws and just down right rude.

Examples: I had done a Zumba class with her one day, she couldn't dance. In response to that "oh we found something you are better then me at" another time a group of us were at this thing. She wasn't going one week. Her older friends 10 year old son was there I was like "I will take him under my wing that week. She replied with "you would not be on the same intelligence level as him." After a small car accident, "such a (my name) thing to do" had never been in one before. So I just thought seriously?!

I even got snapped at aggressively at times for the smallest things.

Example: When I got handed a packet of chocolate to pass around to our group. I took my time with it because I did not know how many there were. She yanks the packet out of my hand aggressively in a huff murmuring that I was hopeless at such a simple task and hands them out herself. Just thought whatever and let her do it herself.

Even on FB she had a pic of us when we went bike riding and could not help but mention me crashing the bike 2, possibly 3 times. Did not mention that I had not ridden a bike in around 5, 10 years. Thought I did pretty good there considering! Ha ha. I mentioned that underneath the photo and just laughed it off.

It left me thinking WTF? Cause all I have ever been is nice to her.

Learnt to just ignore it in the past, did kill her with kindness, never took what she said personally, never lowered myself to that level. It still continued.

Now that I am in my 30's getting less tolerable of this type of behaviour.

The last straw was at this trivia thing she invited me to. According to her, I was not behaving the right way. I even got accused of ruining the night once or twice.

All I ever was, was friendly with everyone. She said I could invite other people along. I did. When my friend and I spoke quietly amongst ourselves, that was not acceptable.

Thought the host was really cute and he and I flirted occasionally. That was a huge no, no as well. Regardless of the fact that he and I were both single and that he started that. Got a hey gorgeous and beautiful from time to time. Touching on back, shoulder arm and just general chit chat other times to. Good ego boost right there. Enjoyed the attention. There was a bit of an age gap between he and I (mid 30's being I and 50 being him he looked mid 40's) though which she did not approve of at all.

When I would have even just one drink. She always advised me against it cause 'she felt responsible for me' I was 2 years older then her and would never go over the limit when driving. Roll eyes. I have gotten the 'I feel responsible for you' spiel from her before. Leaves me thinking huh?

I was in a TV studio a week ago and acted exactly the same way there. In a more professional environment. Might I add. It was a news program. Talked quietly amongst people once or twice while they were filming. No one cared. Seemed more laid back there then at this Trivia thing, which is supposed to be in a more relaxed environment.

Just feel like I am walking on egg shells when I hang out with her. Thinking is the next thing I say gonna be considered dumb? Is my behaviour around her going to be 'acceptable' today?

I also don't feel like I can be my true self around her. So do revert back to being quiet when I hang out with her. I think with myself being that way it suits her personality more. Maybe that is why she got a little bit weird on me, with Trivia. I broke out of that mould a little and it freaked her out a bit. Who knows.

In regarding this. I have distanced myself off from her the last few months. Felt bad when she has sent texts wondering what I am up to and stuff and replying that I am busy to those but just over all this bullshit from her.

She has sent texts wanting to hang out since though. Just say that I am busy but why if someone thinks that little of you, would they still want to hang out with you?!!

Kyndrid 2 years ago

Oh and I did not actually crash that bike either I slid it on purpose because I knew I was going to crash lol. But yeah. It is confusing when they still want to hang out with you, when they act like that with you.

Zara 2 years ago

I agree. It is very confusing when a "friend" treats you so poorly and with such little respect and then wants to hang out with you. My "friend" will call me on the phone and want to talk for hours (mainly about herself) and send me text messages telling me I'm her best friend. Then the next time I see her she will be, as you describe above, downright rude-- whether it be aggressive comments or a not-so-subtle dig. I tried to explain that this behavior is confusing and that there is no consistency.

It took me years to realize how unhealthy this friendship was and now that I finally have I feel so liberated. Spending time with this "friend" was draining emotionally and took a hit on my self-esteem. No "friend" should ever belittle you or make you feel insecure.

I have no time for "friends" like this in my life. I have plenty of friends who respect me, support me, and encourage me to be the kind person that I am. I no longer try to understand WHY someone would think it is ok to treat others so poorly. I have accepted that this "friend" must be very unhappy with herself and that I am better off without her. I hope this helps!

Kyndrid 2 years ago

It is weird hey. I mentioned to her "none of my other friends talk to me the way I do" she just mentions back "well, they don't know you like I do, or as long as I have" something to that affect.

There is another girl I hung out as well since High School who has seen that side of me and she does not treat me like that at all (in fact none of my other friends do), she and the others treat me with respect and as an equal which is great so that blows her theory and re affirms to me that this is just this girl's problem. It has nothing to do with me.

Oh this took me years to realise how unhealthy this friendship was as well. I had just ignored her behaviour cause she was okay when she was not like that in the past.

Just glad I did not let it get to me to much before with this girl but now being in my 30's. I think as I am getting older I tend to be less tolerable of people's bullshit like this and just want people who are real and true in my life. I agree. I don't want people like that around either!

I don't even understand why people get like this with others. I mean I prefer uplifting others, making people happy. I think it is pretty sad that people feel the need that they have to bring you down to feel better about themselves. I am so glad I am not like that.

When you have good friends in your life who respect, support and encourage you compared to the toxic ones we have had to deal with Zara. You do appreciate the good friends more and learn what to look out for if you run into bad friends later on down the track and get rid of toxic people sooner. After having to deal with that in the past.

Yes it intrigues me why these types of people would still want to keep people they think so little of and treat you poorly around. I mean I would not want to be friends with someone I did not respect, trust or thought so little of.

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lilcupcake 2 years ago

Just a few months ago a got rid of one of these people. she hadn't always been that way, so i thought it was a phase because of something she was going through. so i decided to stick with her and be by her side. until months passed, and she kept treating me worse and worse every day. I'm a sickly person, and i have responsibilities which she never did. so if i couldn't go hang out with her and do whatever she wanted when she wanted, i was being a terrible friend. note, she called me every day multiple times a day demanding i be with her. there were times i said i was busy and she would should still show up at my house.

One day, i told her i was sick and i had to cancel our plans for the next day. she got mad at me, instead of checking to see if i had a seizure and was in the freaking hospital; then i was done. i told her how she treated me and i couldn't deal with it anymore, and like you she blamed me for everything then tried to act like since we talked about it everything was okay. Well, that was our last conversation. i didn't even bother taking the time to tell her i wasn't going to be her friend, it would have been a waste of energy and another fight.

Now, she has alienated me from most of the town. No one else really likes her, but i can't go a lot of places without running into her. mostly because she forces herself onto people, like she was doing to me. She's convinced a lot of people i don't do things because im stuck up, not because im sick and have seizures. but if they don't take the time to ask me about it and just want to walk out of my life, no body is locking the door. they can go.

Hannah 2 years ago

Thanks for posting. I had a toxic friendship with two sisters, who befriended me and my best friend, it lasted from 3rd grade to freshmen year, and messed me up a lot. I say it was an emotionally abusive relationship, though a lot of people would scoff at that, but it was. They mistreated me, tore my friend and me apart, made me dependent on our friendship, stole from me, lied to me, played mind games that left me confused and blaming myself. I found small ways to rebel and get back at them, and became cynical about the relationship, even though I needed their approval. I spent years with my mouth shut, believing I was stupid, ugly, and that nobody wanted to see or be near me. I didn't know how to get away, and it was by a miracle, that they simply got bored of me and moved on. I plowed through highschool with my head down, and made it out with two friends and a few acquaintances who were very nice to me, but I didn't really start healing until I graduated. I had a reality check recently, and was surprised to hear myself say, I never thought I would ever feel this confident or loved again. God is good; very good.

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Hendrika 2 years ago from Pretoria, South Africa

I always say rather completely alone than with a toxic friend. Come to think of it, it must be the reason why I choose my friends carefully and I do not have that many friends.

Keely 2 years ago

My now former best friend of 25 years or so turned really toxic once I got married. It seems she is envious of everything, so I never talk about the positives in my life. Recently, we traveled together, along with a few other much younger women (whom I didn't know) and she basically ignored me most of the trip. We only see each other once a year and this has never happened before. I am a couple of years older and am choosing the aging gracefully route, while she is exploring injectables and god knows what else to look younger - which I think irks her on many levels as I am no longer a mirror. She insulted me several times over the trip - now I am done with her toxic, very low self-esteem. When we went our separate ways at the airport I made the choice never to see her again. Of course, being the toxic narcissists that she is she sensed my agitation. She called me the next day to talk about some guy, and when we hung up I said, "I love you ####" knowing it will be the last thing she ever hears out of my mouth. The last few years I thought she was having a mid-life crisis, but now I don't know what to think. I believe she is one of those people you have to love from afar. One last thing, how do I unfriend her on FB? Maybe she will unfriend me, a girl can dream.

keely 2 years ago

My now former best friend of 25 years or so turned really toxic once I got married. It seems she is envious of everything, so I never talk about the positives in my life. Recently, we traveled together, along with a few other much younger women (whom I didn't know) and she basically ignored me most of the trip. We only see each other once a year and this has never happened before. I am a couple of years older and am choosing the aging gracefully route, while she is exploring injectables and god knows what else to look younger - which I think irks her on many levels as I am no longer a mirror. She insulted me several times over the trip - now I am done with her toxic, very low self-esteem. When we went our separate ways at the airport I made the choice never to see her again. Of course, being the toxic narcissists that she is she sensed my agitation. She called me the next day to talk about some guy, and when we hung up I said, "I love you ####" knowing it will be the last thing she ever hears out of my mouth. The last few years I thought she was having a mid-life crisis, but now I don't know what to think. I believe she is one of those people you have to love from afar. One last thing, how do I unfriend her on FB? Maybe she will unfriend me, a girl can dream.

willofgod4me 2 years ago

I am in the process of having to ditch a frenemy. My issue with this person is that why she has shown some amount of kindness to me she at the same time has some very bad habits and personal issues that are of a potential risk to my overall well being. She has a bad habit of not heeding caution whereas other toxic people are concerned and when she lets them in to her life she also causes that baggage to be a risk to others around her and it has weighed me down to the point it has made me physically and emotionally ill plus there is the fact that I obviously cannot trust her to keep her word to me that she will use caution and now I have ot be even more guarded because of her unwillingess to be as guarded as she should be. I have tried to explain myself until I am blue in the face to no avail so the only thing I can do is to begin making myself unavailable to her. It still concerns me that I will have to be on guard against others she was too naïve to get involved with. She complains about the trouble they cause her yet she shows me no signs of trying to do anything about it and it is not a risk I am willing to take as I have been damaged too many times in the past already due to similar circumstances. I am an introvert by nature and don't "need" friends-I do like to go to church but not to socialize and that is where my main contact with her came about but as with any other similar person you just need to do what you know you must and go on about your way so you can have peace and stay on your given path. You can't change them-you can only change yourself.

Anashra Asim Butt 2 years ago

I am having a toxic friend help me to get rid of her... :( :( :(

Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 2 years ago from Southern Clime

This makes me check myself. I do not want to be a toxic friend, and I hope I am not.

Where is the author?

willofgod4me 2 years ago

I made the break from my toxic friend or more like frenemy. The rag was tore off the bush over the weekend. It had been building and I had made up my mind I did not want to keep it up. She had invited me to her place for her boyfriend's birthday and I was miserable because he hates me and has backstabbed me like a 1000 times. I was sitting there praying to God to provide me an out and He did. A moment came when something distasteful was said and I scowled and he repiled by telling me if I didn't like it I could get the hell out and I gathered myself up and said fine by me and left. I called her and told her I would tolerate no more that I was done. We had one more incident that day and it ended with me hearing a very revealing voicemail recording that had her and him talking about me and they did not/do not realize their phone was recording and I heard it. I did not respond and simpky said the heck with it I am better off. I don't think she really appreciated me but instead I was more of a pawn she could use to irritate him-it is a constant thing and I want no part of such drama nor do I need such toxic individuals in my life.

Andrew Burgon 2 years ago

Good call, Kaylee.

I have adopted a 'vibrant and fresh' protocol in my life. I draw close to myself the best, most vibrant friendships I can in my life and let them fill my mind. I also let go of those friendships that continually bother me.

Andrew Burgon

Project Fellowship

Miss my friend 2 years ago

This is really sad to hear. One of my friend who I really valued cut me out of her life... It breaks my heart because I really miss her. There are a lot of toxic people in my life.... They are dragging me down... these people were dragging down her down as well. She had known this group for over 5 years and introduced me to my boyfriend. She was in a relationship with one if my boyfriends friends.

But after her partner ended it she managed to distance herself and make friends with a really nice group of people.

This toxic group continues to hurt and disrespect me and put me down.

I know she knows what I am going through. I don't blame her for for cutting me out... Because I am not the best at making decisions at the moment for myself or for my friendships.

But I could really wish i had her by my side right now telling me that I'm strong, telling me I deserve better and helping guide me down the right path.

I know I need her more then she needs me. I needed a support person so much... That I forgot to embrace this person who I love and care about... I forgot about the importance of happiness and friendship.

gabbbie 2 years ago

Hi, I always had a great group of good and loyal friends growing up. I became best friends with a girl who I grew up with. The part that saddens me is we have been BF for thirty years but over the year she has changed to a toxic friend. So my question is: What do you do when you have been friends for such a long time yet year after year this person who once use to be great, kind, thoughtful and true-now has become a manipulator, user and and completly dishonest?

We have been friends for so long. But what once use to be kind caring two way street friendship has become one sided. Every time she shows up to meet she waits untill the bill comes and then tells me she has no money-even though we have discusused the money before going out and expects me to front her money. Every year we plan a vacation a year in advance and discuss if that is affordable and how we we will have to both save but at the last minutue once again "something came up" but she inherited enought to buy a mercedes. This is all so sad, but there onse was a beautiful kind caring person there. Do you abandon your friends when they change or is there any way to help such alife long friend??

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kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

I am amazed at the amount of comments. I envy that.

I truly enjoyed this hub. I think it is a great piece of work and creativity. Voted up and away. I am going now to follow you, and I invite you to check out my works and be one of my followers. That would make my day.



from a small rural town in northwest Alabama

Reminds me of my own toxic friend in seventh grade. He was so envious, manipulative, and childish, he prevented me from having a good time and good life in those years.

Thanks for sharing.


anonymous male 21 2 years ago

I've been friends with this person 5-6 years. He wasn't toxic during the first 3 years. I have just realized how toxic he is. He constantly calls me faggot and the n word when I'm neither. He constantly says no woman is good for me whether it's friends or romantic interest. He recently found two of my long lost childhood friends and has used one against me. I feel like telling my other friend to save the friendship, but I'm afraid he might tell my toxic friend. He shoots me down every time I want out of the friendship. I want to leave but I'm afraid he'll just ruin more of my friends and friendships. What is the easiest way out? P.S. I've tried verbally telling him and the silent treatment. He doesn't seem to get it.

DChance2 profile image

DChance2 2 years ago

To the comment above: Tell him that he is right. You are a real n word who is has always been in love with him. Your love for him has no bounds. Your dark skin and his must mix. Ask him if he wants to be in a commented relationship with you. Tell him every night before you sleep you are dripping in sweat. Even your wettest dreams can not compare to the light of day when you can truly see his heart beating only for you. Then, you will hold out your hand. Take it back. Say, "No, you are my friend. I must not love you in that way." Add a little sniffle as if you are going to cry, "I really care about you man. Could you back off?"

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thom w conroy 2 years ago

What can even be worse than a toxic friend is a toxic can't get any more distressful because you're usually stuck with them for life..

LailaK profile image

LailaK 2 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

I recently went through something like this, but the toxic friend ended up ditching me and saying hurtful words. When she wanted my help again, she texted me saying that she misunderstood something I said and explained why she denied all the good I've done for her. No remorse. No applogize. Just like that, she said what she said and left me haunted for almost a month later. Great hub! I totally relate!

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LeslieAdrienne 2 years ago from Georgia

Absolutely... we should judge which friends are good for us by whether they are good to us... We need honesty, but we do not need control.

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Gyles Evans 2 years ago from Cedar Rapids, Iowa

Well its a good thing you let that friend go because that's this cause depression and stress and then they want you to do stuff that you don't want to do and in reality that person that let you go needs you more then you need that person

Johnc986 2 years ago

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Amelia 2 years ago

I'm in a similar situation with one friend. So I have 2 friends that I'm close to and I invited one friend to go out with me and we didn't tell the other friend (the toxic friend) so she found out and got mad that we didn't invite but the thing is she never has money to do anything and that day she had class. So she wrote me n my other friend and made us feel guilty that we hung out with each other and didn't let her know. I don't know if we were wrong but I seriously wouldn't even care if they were hanging with each other and didn't tell me anyways the toxic friend made me and my other friend feel so guilty that we hung out without her. I't just annoying, so she made my other friend promise her that if me and my other friend do anything with each other my other friend must let her know. I feel like it's not right we should have the right to hang with each other whenever we want and she don't need to know. The toxic friend is always high and drinking she seem cool when she's on stuff but when she's not she is always sad and every little thing we say or do is an issue. Like the other day I had a question about something she always bring up and she wrote me and asked me why i questioned her and wrote this long thing about how it made her feel sad that i questioned her it was just a question and she never answered it. Again she making it like I did something wrong that i questioned her. Im just so exhausted to be around her like anything we say or do hurts her feelings. Like It's annoying I can't stand this shit... and i told her straight out and i told her she don't have to answer my question just forget it i don't care than she writes me and said what u mean u don't care? I told her she don't have to answer the question i don't care for the answer. but seriously it was back and forth she would always make us feel bad for her and feel pity for her and start a fight over the stupidest thing. Like god get over it... Life isn't fair. I feel like I can't hang with my other friend cause oh gee if she finds out she'll get mad at us for not including her it's like what am I in a relationship with her and i need to let her know who I hang out withe. She said the reason y she got mad was because she thought we were a click we do everything together but the problem is she never has money and never can do anything but at the same time she doesn't wanna work much. Sometimes me and my other friend feels used. It's like we always drive her around cuz she can't cuz she always toxicated or high, never offer gas money, always sad and i don't know it's just a negative energy it's so exhausting I dont even wanna hang with her much because of this reason. ALways turning everything on us that we make her feel bad it's like everything makes her feel bad. If we question or say something she don't wanna hear it gonna make her feel bad or we are a negative person. It's like get over the past move on and if we tell her to get over it then she be complaining and making u feel guilty like how can we say that to her. it's like I don''t even wanna give her advice cuz theres no point cuz she would turn it around on u and make u feel bad if she didn't like the answer how u can say that to her. Like ok don't talk to me than if u will not take my advice and turn it around and making us feel pity or get into a fight. It's took much I got kids, work and a life to deal i with. I don't have time for bullshit. I feel like a bad friend to feel this way but my other friend feels the same way. She dwell on everything , we feel like she uses us n she' just depressing to be around. Always crying and complaining bout everything.

jean walker 2 years ago

Jean walker

Unknown 23 months ago

My friend emotionally abuses me sometimes. She puts me down when she talks sarcastically and tells me that I'm too serious or that she's only joking. But I'm actually getting mad. If I hang out with my other friends she would ask what we did and would say "Oh I see" in a very condescending tone. Or if I talk about my future career she always needs to bring hers up and compare and say that her career doesn't get enough credit and in her tone her career is more important than mine. She just can't be happy for me. I have no idea what to do. I thought she's my friend. We've known each other for 7 years. I always feel like I have to watch what I say with her. If I don't she will grind me for it.

chaitanyasaivb profile image

chaitanyasaivb 23 months ago from INDIA

I can understand the way, you have felt, when you were reading emails, sent by your friend. But, Never give them a second chance. Because, Giving them another chance, will be the worst thing, that we could do in our life. Toxic Friend must be kept away, even if they asks for apologizes, after hurting.

Jan Grossmann profile image

Jan Grossmann 20 months ago from Czech Republic, Zlín

Well, maybe we should accept these people as they are. I know it would be nice to talk only with people we like, but we grow and mature when we control our emotions and are able to deal with problematic people. On the other hand, it is important to choose our friends wisely.

lily Anne 17 months ago

I too have a friend of this nature only seems to want you when nobody else is around sickening because she always said she'd like me to meet somebody who would be good and kind to me but then she never thought anything of it when she used to flirt with him whenever i wasnt a round wearing revealing clothing and making sure her body was on display till one nite after we had finished gettin ready for a nite out she decided she would remove her top and stand poised in the bedroom door wearing only her heels tiny skirt and bra all whilst myself and others were downstairs and her comment to my partner was oh i didnt no you wer up here

Maggima 13 months ago

Hi everyone!

Probably we had mean people treating us in really reallly mean ways."But" I ought to say my best friend is not one of them.But I feel emotionally trapped as well .

The reason because is she has a family which is kinda not financially stable there are tantrums and all always going on in her life.She has encountered relations with two guys..through social networking sites...and got really serious about them...but the first one turned out to be a dick..who said he wanted someone better looking and I asked her to totally stop communication with him because your not some substance to be treated so..and told her to be with someone who can respect her.

She did..But what I dint know is...blowing this guy off was not sufficient...because she seemed to be developing a really low self esteem ever since..but has always been sad She used to be happy when.l with I never knew.The next time she comes up and tells me theres this really sensible guy who likes me...and seeks permission from me to get into a relationship..because she really gives my opinion some importance.The guy seemed sensible but I told never know better be friends ....she had already one foot into the I knew that I.couldnt tell anything more.And she also told that I never knew how depressed she was on.the inside and the only way to come out of that was getting into relation with this one.

Probably I was wrong then to let her decide by herself.

This guy had been a support to her for a subsequent few days...but got really bored of her problems or whatsoever..and used one of their major fights to leave.Since then ,she kept texting him and calling him in vain and all he replies is saying he was really hurt and would never come back.

But the actual coz of which they got into a fight was not huge at all that he could get hurt about it forever. I intervened and spoke to him in the beginning in a nice way and letter a bit rough and asking him would he do the same if it was some other relation of his life. Every conversation with him would always end with an affirmation saying he would call but never would...instead would just text her saying,I'm really hurt. I hAving been a person who was in a relation with a guy who was emotionally unavailable totally understood how my friend felt.But in my case my boyfriend always cane back apologising for his behaviour ,but in her case it was not happeneing because That guy seemed to be finding her too needy, sensitive and possessive.He was using his way through to end it.

I tried to explain her in million ways...people who love you would never leave matter what happens...and I was always with her eversince..she used to get away sometimes having fun..but having taken the blame from the guy she loved that she is negative really ate a part of her soul off.How much ever I tried to make her happy she would never get totally.

Meanwhile her emotional concentration slowly shifted from him to me...where she thought I was the foremost important person in her life .(.but never totally took my advice..though I dont expect it to happen always.) I had her meet all my friends and my family too and all bonded well .Though she used to constantly get upset whenever she was at her house I used to always take her out with others or somewhere so that she had a better pace in a day....Thats when things were getting tough , I.couldnt meet her everyday.and not a person who is very punctual..and all this kerps pissing her off and she constantly.kept telling me I dont get her situation.She used to feel bad that I always give ptiority to others more than her when all I was doing is just occassionally turning up to my other friends like on their birthday or something.

I even stopped telling her about my boyfriend issues and even stopped acknowledging him when I was around her.I just wanted her to think there is world out there that loves her if she was ready to live it all.

Academically also she started getting screwd and as she was my best friend even I was busy helping her so did I

She has ways to interpret things that I did not mean to hurt her as hurtful things and that I did not give how much she is giving into our relation.But according to me I have .I went out of my ways and helped her many times because I thought she duly deserved it and because she would do the same ..and has also helped me a lot many times.

But after that everything I do is being judged as whether it was genuine or not by her. And even my family members and friends are being judged by her about whether they love her or not.

I might have been caught up sometimes with my family issues ..but she always thinks that she is not important to me and only my other friends and family are ,,and all this judgement was based on past events when she has not been that great a friend for me also.

Recently she got to know the guy she loved was ready to get committed with some other chick who happened to be our friend broke her...but it was after an year after they stopped talking..but the way that guy behaves is like a total people pleaser and could easily flirt with another chick with no hard feelings.And then as she got to know this news because of her bcompelling our other friend to talk it out she snapped at me that I never helped her to know what he truly is.

Proabbly I dint help her to know him how he is when she is actually not around and had also seen her crying for him and spoiling things a million times...bu t Ive always stayed with her through those times and saw that she was okay at the end and could do her other important things atleast well.

And as her parents dont approve of her to be very social and all..she has to be most of the time at home..and I have to go to her house only way to meet her.And as she is a bit overweight she has problems of people at her home and outsiders taunting her..But I always told her she was pretty and should believe in it more than anything and even proved it to her many times.

All in all,I donno when my friend gets happy or sad.She never seems contended.She never seems ready to give all she has to some activity because she thinks she cant do it and I spend half the time telling her she can do it . After that it either gets too late or I loose interest in it .

Recently she had plans of us shifting together to an apartment to take a course together.I was okay with it But I could because of my family situation

Now she is caught up in her home in a situation she is not well and her parents are balming her for her unhealthy habits like she is lethargic and she wakes up late in the morning and constantly scold her for being fat and thats what is leading to the health issues.When I turn up to her to make her feel better..she totally made it clear that she could never get better and I dint go by her say that we had to shift to an apartment and thats why she is having all these problems and that I wouldnt understand her until she dies.

She said that thing which hurt me a lot. I know its okay for her to take it out on me every now and then ...I understand. But it does not mean everytime I can deal with me being called someone who doesnt care when I put so many things aside ..just because I wanted her to have a great life.I seriously dont think she will understand even if I explain.She would only think im like her ex making her feel she is negative.I never want to...thats the reason I never told her she is blaming me too hard.

She is a sweetheart when it comes to helping me at times...but I really dont know what more to do in this stage

.I would stay with her no matter what ..but Im just scared that would not make things any better.

I really need help with this!!

bluesradio profile image

bluesradio 12 months ago from Durham, NC

It is often hard to let people go because you get so used to them and their ways...but sometimes you just have to say NO and let IT GO!!!!

xaveior 11 months ago

I lost my best friend.....Miss her. I had really never had one....before, Im am sorry

Test 11 months ago


Jade 7 months ago

I'm in a platonic friendship with a guy, but he treats me like crap sometimes. I'm 17 and even though I love him like a brother, I am sick of not being treated right. I took me 3 years to realise how he didn't respect me and really feel the same way back. I always call him out on bad choices and he does the same but I try to be respectful and he just rips into me. I was so used to just being treated like crap or as "one of the guys" when I know I'm not, and I am not sure how to ask for that respect from him or if I should just get out of the relationship. He insists that I need to contact him first even though he is capable of calling me whenever, but he refuses to do that. I just want to be respected, and don't want to lose him, but if that is what needs to be done I will be able to. We are both scarred and have messed up pasts, but I've been too submissive to him, and unsure what I should do.

Ilios 2 months ago

I have a friend that treats me like crap whenever I'm over at her house or she is at mine. Every time we see each other all she does is talk to her other friends and completely ignore my existence. When we go out she always leeches money off me and says "I'll pay it back," LIKE THAT'S EVER HAPPENED. Every time I try to explain my feelings she just ignores me. And every time she has a problem I'm there to listen, but when I have a problem she ignores me and starts to text her friends. And she is mad at me because I wasn't able to come over three times in a row. OMG I have a life outside of you, then she quizzes on every little detail on why I can't come. But when she can't come over I just say "ok," and I don't quiz her on every little detail. She also doesn't take no for an answer, it's like she doesn't know the meaning of it. I've wanted to get out of the relationship but I'm still confused and don't know what to do. I also don't if I want to break it off because we were good friends before she started treating me differently. I am very unclear of what to do.

Joanna phillips 2 months ago

My brother is like that, always talking shit to me and my 3 kids always putting us down. Hurting our feelings, try and say what were going to do . Hes so hateful. I can't stand it anymore. O think their is some abuse there. What do you think? Van you tell me. My email is please let me know. Thanks

Panda 6 weeks ago

I had a toxic friend in my life he would act like he would want to hang out as friends and be was too busy . I forgave him for his mistakes even the first time we hung out. But he left me hanging and later found out he had a gf. So trust your gut instincts. He never told me much even as a friend. I didn't know he had a gf until recently.He said sorry a lot but I don't believe it. I feel like the word sorry was only for guilt and people who are toxic want make you feel guilty. I moved on . I gave him plenty of chances to be my friend.

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