I speak from personal experience when I say that when a close friend suddenly cuts you out of her life, it can be devastating.
When a Friend Shuts You Out, It Really Hurts
I speak from personal experience when I say that when a friend suddenly cuts you out of her life, it can be devastating.
I've gone through this heartache myself, and I will share what I've learned about how to cope.
I happen to be a person of faith—and for me, prayer and forgiveness were key to helping me find a way to move on with my life.
It happens without warning and it hits you with devastating force…. The experience can be as painful as the death of a loved one, and just as confusing as an unexpected breakup with a significant other.
— Liz Pryor, author of "What Did I Do Wrong?"
Friend Breakup: Journey to Acceptance
Stage 1: Shock and Denial
Your friend suddenly cuts you out of her life, and you have no idea why. You feel deeply confused and upset.
Stage 2: Loss
You feel a terrible sense of pain and loss. You may obsessively replay memories of the times you enjoyed together, and you may experience physical symptoms of heartache.
Stage 3: Self-Blame
You wonder what role you might have played in the ending of the friendship. Is it something you did? Could you have been a better friend?
Stage 4: Embarrassment and Shame
You begin to worry about what others might think. What does it say about you if you couldn't hold onto this person who was so dear to you? Will others think less of you?
Stage 5: Anger
You feel angry and indignant. You were always there when your friend needed you, and you worked hard to nurture the relationship. And now she tosses you aside?
Stage 6: Acceptance
You've been on an emotional roller coaster, but eventually you feel you can begin to let go. You realize it was better to have had the friend in your life, even if it was only for a season, than never to have had the friend at all. You may feel a sense of peace and forgiveness.
Stage 7: Relief
After coming to peace with the end of the friendship, you may be surprised to feel a sense of relief. You may realize that the friendship wasn't actually as perfect as you had once believed. You now have the opportunity to explore new friendships for a new season in your life.
Dumped? Jilted? Our Language Is at a Loss for Words
We have several different terms to describe the end of a romantic relationship: we might say that one partner got dumped or jilted, or at the very least we can say that the couple broke up. But when it comes to platonic friendships, our language seems to be at a loss for words. Until quite recently, we didn't really have any good terms to describe the abrupt ending of a friendship—even though the emotional trauma can be just as great as a romantic breakup.
One term that has emerged in recent years that begins to capture the pain of this trauma is "ghosting," which refers to the breaking off of a relationship by ceasing all communication or contact, typically without any explanation. This term often manifests in a sudden cessation of digital communication; e.g.,
- Not responding to your text messages
- Not liking or commenting on your social media posts (despite, perhaps, liking or commenting on other people's posts)
- Unfriending or blocking you on Facebook
When a close friend suddenly ghosts you, it's like they've disappeared from the face of the earth... and yet in some cases the pain may be amplified if you can see them being active on social media. In these instances, it's woefully clear: It's not that they've suddenly taken very ill or have become extremely busy at work. It's that they no longer want to communicate with you.
I learned, as I interviewed over eighty girls and women (ages 9 to 97) for a book about friendship, that cutoffs are a common calamity. And so is ghosting.
— Deborah Tannen, author of You're the Only One I Can Tell: Inside the Language of Women's Friendships
Abandoned: Allow Yourself to Grieve
Losing a close friend is kind of like the breakup of a romantic relationship, or it might even be comparable to a death. You have lost someone who is extremely dear to you. This is a person who you used to be very close to—and now suddenly they are no longer there.
It hurts. Really bad.
Understand that grieving is an entirely natural and appropriate response to this painful situation. Allow yourself the time you need to grieve the loss of your friend. You have many good memories of this person that may go back for years, and it hurts to remember all the special times the two of you shared.
It’s natural to feel a sense of grief, loss, and pain when someone who was important in your life suddenly disappears. You are going to need time to heal, but be assured, you will, despite the challenges.
— Irene S. Levine, Ph.D., author of "Best Friends Forever"
Grieve... But Do Not Despair
Don't lose hope. Your friend may not be speaking to you right now, but that doesn't mean the friendship will never, ever be rekindled in the future. It's important to keep these things in mind:
- Try to accept that, at least for now, your friendship with this person is on hold, for whatever reason.
- Someday, it is possible that your friendship could very well be restored.
- As painful as it may be, try to remember also that you gained some valuable lessons from this friendship. It was a blessing to have this person in your life, even if it was only for a season.
- Broken friendships happen to everyone. It's a normal part of life.
- The more important this person was to you, the longer it will take you to heal.
Additional Faith-Based Advice:
- Even though it hurts you very deeply, and even though you have to go through a grieving process, remember that all things are possible with God.
- Have hope and faith. Put it in the Lord's hands as to whether you become friends again in the future.
Remember, It Probably Isn't Your Fault
When my best friend of 10+ years suddenly shut me out, I was heartbroken. We had known each other since high school, and I had always looked up to her. Now, all of a sudden, she had cut me out of her life—without any explanation whatsoever.
Unfriended on Facebook. No response to my calls and texts. She was simply... gone.
It hurt. I cried and grieved. I wondered, "What did I do wrong? Did I somehow cause this?"
Through this experience, however, I've come to learn that even a best friend can have issues or struggles that you may not be aware of.
Chances are, if this person is cutting you off out of the blue, after years of being friends, then there is a deeper problem that you don't know about. So don't blame yourself.
As difficult as it is to stop wracking your brain, trying to figure out what you could have done differently to prevent the dissolution of the friendship, you must accept that this is the current reality. Most likely, there's nothing you did to cause it. There is probably something going on with your friend, and you have nothing to do with it at all. Don't punish yourself.
Overanalyzing the situation becomes an exercise in futility because you only know one side of the story: yours, not hers.
— Irene S. Levine, Ph.D., author of "Best Friends Forever"
The Myth of "Best Friends Forever"
Some of our grief and despair may come from the myth we were sold when we were young: that we are supposed to have a BFF, or best friend forever. However, it is simply not true that we must hold onto our closest friends forever—and that if we don't, we've somehow failed. The reality is that people grow and change over time, and that friendships must evolve, too. Sometimes, that means that someone who was very dear to you during one stage of your life may drift away or not be as close during another stage of your life. This doesn't necessarily mean that either one of you has failed, or that either one of you is a bad person.
Reach Out One More Time, Then Let It Go
If you have tried to reach out to your friend multiple times without getting a response, it may be time to accept it and move on. But maybe you could reach out just one more time.
When my best friend announced that she could no longer speak to me after 10+ years of friendship, I tried calling her and texting her right away, with no response. I left her a voicemail, but she didn't respond. I saw that she had unfriended me on Facebook, which really hurt. I emailed her, but she never replied.
I let some time pass, for both of our sakes. After a few weeks without speaking, I decided to reach out to her one more time. I sent a hand-written card, explaining how much her friendship meant to me and how hurt I felt now. I told her I would always wish the best for her and her family.
I did not hear anything back.
Pray for Your Friend
If you are a person of faith, I strongly suggest praying for your friend. I know it sounds crazy. This person—close friend, confidante, and ally—has hurt you deeply and profoundly. So it does seem counterintuitive to pray for them. But try it. Pray God will bless this person and help them overcome whatever trial or hardship is going on in their life at this moment.
Pray for healing for your friend, and pray for the restoration of the friendship, if it is God's will. As long as you are burdened by the broken friendship, continue to pray about it, giving it over to the Lord. Pray that the person will make contact with you and restore the relationship, if possible. But most of all, pray for the person to be healed, comforted, encouraged, blessed, and be made right with the Lord.
Forgive Your Friend
Forgiveness is a concept that transcends religious orientation. If you are a person of faith, you can think about forgiveness in terms of God's commandments. On the other hand, if you are not religiously inclined, you can understand forgiveness as a powerful psychological and emotional release.
For me, forgiveness goes along with prayer, because as you pray for your friend, your heart will become softer and more open to forgiving. As difficult as it is to forgive this person who hurt you so much, it is necessary. Not only does God command us to forgive others as He has forgiven us, but it also releases the forgiver from the bondage of holding onto bitterness and unforgiveness, which can be debilitating if it isn't addressed.
So, forgive your friend—even if you don't believe they deserve it—because God calls us to do so. Forgive your friend because you will destroy yourself if you hold onto bitterness in your heart.
Nurture Other Friendships
It can be very difficult to accept that your friendship has ended. This friend held a very special place in your life, and now you are probably at a loss as to who to hang out with, who to call when you need a shoulder to cry on, and so on. Perhaps you do have other friends, but no one compares in your heart or mind to the person you've lost.
I know the feeling. When my friend cut me out of her life, it wasn't as though I didn't have other friends. I actually had a nice group of friends from college that I was really close to, and I wasn't even living in the same area anymore as my old high school friend (the one who had shut me out). I would visit her every few months when I came home to see my brothers and my parents, and we would always have great talks and good times together. I'd call her on the phone (or she would call me) at least once a week to catch up. I considered her one of my best, oldest, and dearest friends, so it came as quite a shock to suddenly be cut out of her life.
Understanding the Seasonality of Friendship
Something I came to learn through this experience, however, is that friendships often exist in our lives for a certain season of time. Sure, there may be some friends you can meet after not seeing for several years, and it will feel like barely a day has passed since the last time you met. But I believe that some friends are in our lives only for a season, and that's also okay. Through this, I learned to nurture my other friendships, and I became much closer with the friends who live close by. I've realized that at this stage of my life, I have more in common with this newer group of friends, anyway.
Easy Ways to Nurture New Friendships (Or Deepen Old Ones)
You might feel like you're out of practice developing new friendships, or perhaps you're worried about appearing too needy. Keep in mind, however, that everyone needs friends in their lives. More often than not, the people you begin to reach out to will feel flattered and happy that you want to get to know them better.
Here are some easy ways to get started:
- Text: Send a quick text just to say hi and ask how they are doing.
- Make plans: Suggest going out to lunch, the movies, the gym to work out together, or the park for a walk. The possibilities are endless. Think about activities that you and this person might enjoy doing together.
- Phone: Call someone on the phone just to chat.
- Gifts: Buy a small gift to let them know you care.
- Snail mail: Go old school! Write a note or postcard to let them know you are thinking of them.
- Be a good listener: When it comes to friendships (or any kind of relationship), being a good listener always goes a long way. People have a fundamental need to be heard and understood, and they will always seek friends who really listen.
Find solace in knowing that you’re not alone and that millions have experienced this pain. As painful and disappointing as these breakups are, they make us wiser and make our friendships much stronger and more resilient.
— Irene S. Levine, Ph.D., author of "Best Friends Forever"
An Unexpected Reconciliation: My Story
After about six months of not hearing from the friend who had cut me out of her life, I had pretty much given up on ever hearing from her again. I prayed a lot during this period of time, continually surrendering the situation to the Lord.
However, one day, completely out of the blue, she contacted me. She emailed to say that she had received my card in the mail, the one I'd sent all those months earlier. She said she had been busy—and that the real reason she had not contacted me in so long was because of some issues in her life that she had never told me about in all the years we had been friends. These issues were deep-seated and genuinely had nothing to do with me.
I was totally shocked that in all our years of friendship, she had never shared any of this with me. She said that due to these issues (which I won't divulge here for sake of privacy), we could be in contact going forward but that our friendship would most likely never be the same. She told me that she planned to seek professional help for her problems.
Since then, we have emailed back and forth a few times, but things are not like they used to be. I've learned not to put people onto pedestals, as we are all human beings and we all have certain struggles and trials in our lives that we must deal with. I have moved on, and I continue to nurture the friendships that are most dear and treasured in my life right now. While I forgive my friend and wish her well, I no longer look to that friendship to provide the fulfillment in my life that it once did.
Ultimately, we must look to God above anyone else in our lives, and we must realize that God will be a closer friend to us than any person on this earth. Someday, perhaps my friendship with this individual will be restored to what it once was, but I leave that in God's hands, to do what He pleases, according to His will.
I hope that sharing my story and advice helps anyone who is hurting over a broken friendship. Blessings to you!
Cosslett, Rhiannon Lucy. (2018, April 21). "It Feels Like Having a Limb Cut Off": The Pain of Friendship Breakups. The Guardian. Retrieved December 22, 2018.
Holloway, Sadie. (2016, December 5). Coping With Disappointment When a Friendship Ends. PairedLife. Retrieved December 22, 2018.
Levine, Irene S., Ph.D. (2009). Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend. New York: Overlook Press.
Pryor, Liz. (2006). What Did I Do Wrong? When Women Don't Tell Each Other the Friendship Is Over. New York: Free Press.
Safer, Jeanne. (2016, March 8). What Happens When a Friend Cuts You Out of Their Life? Psychology Today. Retrieved December 22, 2018.
Tannen, Deborah. (2017, May 16). Why Friends Ghost On Even Their Closest Pals. Time. Retrieved December 22, 2018.
Tammy K. on August 06, 2020:
Imagine losing your entire family trying to survive that. It almost killed me twice so far.
Ambrie Anders on August 05, 2020:
Nicole - This is a great reminder that as painful as it is to lose a good friend, God is still there for us and we can survive and thrive in spite of the confusion and hurt. Thank you for sharing.
Hans Paris on July 30, 2020:
Thank you so much, I have just had this experience and I felt destroyed, even though we were not friends for that long.
We became close friends in a day! We stayed over together for like 10 days and everything was going great, we even low-key thought of dating! However, one day he called, there was an emergency and he felt lost and everything apparently was going wrong. I tried to calm him down and all and support him as much as I can considering we do not live in the same city. Two days later he deactivated all of his social media accounts and I lost all contact with him, except a friend of his to whom he introduced me. That friend told me that he was taking days off social media and that he changed his phone number and advised me not to contact him at that time. I kept asking that mutual friend about him during this time off social media and I told him to let him know that I asked about him. Fast forward, just yesterday, I contact that mutual friend and asked him for any contact info of my friend and he gave me a number that I can WhatsApp, which I did, but no answer yet, and I am not expecting one truthfully. Also, idk if his Instagram is still deactivated or not, but I suspect he blocked me because he reactivated it and made his profile blank and only today his profile disappeared even from my DMs list, so....
Anyway, it just hurt me because it always feels like when it comes to having other close gay friend/dates, my luck just sucks for some reason, and we really had a strong bond, like we did everything together, knew everything about each other, and he even introduced to me a job opportunity which I have succeeded at landing at and now I am hired, but I just feel devastated; I liked him a lot and wanted to stick by his side even if there was nothing romantic. I honestly don't know why he would do that, but it really hurts me. Idk if you may find me dramatic, but pain is pain, and I'm kind of an emotional person, so...I wish him the best, I hope to know the reason for this situation, and I hope I can heal and move forward; it is not my first scar, but this one hit different because this was the realest thing ever to me. Thanks for your article, it has really helped me.
Nancy Richardson on July 17, 2020:
Well written. And yes it hurts like hell. I just send a text telling my best friend which is also my ex...
That for years I waited for him to want me back home. And it didnt happen. Time to set my heart free of all this pain. Two thing Terry that broke me down you and MS. We will be okay you told me. Yes ....and while tellingbhim this Im wishing he was holding me as Im crying. This was a 40 year relationship I'm talking about. I loved him like no other. All because I care to much about a little girl with blonde curls.
I miss you SD. Lord help me.
Nicole K (author) on June 30, 2020:
I'm so sorry that people are not being honest with you and you've been finding out "through the grapevine" that some people find certain behaviors of yours to be annoying. I guess if you're open to hearing brash honesty from your friends, you could invite them to tell you what behaviors you do that might be somewhat bothersome or annoying. Maybe there is something that you can work on. In general, though, true friends will like you for you and will be able to overlook anything you do that is annoying, knowing that you overlook annoyances in their personalities as well. It's always a give and take in healthy relationships, never one-sided. This quote on friendship comes to mind: "A friend is one to whom one can pour out all the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keeping what is worth keeping, and, with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away."
事業・サービス - 株式会社インプレス on June 28, 2020:
Catherine on June 13, 2020:
As we all know friends are hard to come by I've been in the situation before sometimes its best just to give them some space sometimes you also go through really rough paths in life just like you do. Doesn't mean you did something wrong but simply means its a challenge in life that they need to face alone. All you can do is be ready for when they come back or if they fall be ready to catch him/her.
Silver on May 26, 2020:
What if she replies ur sms but in a very rude way, what do u do?
Marie on May 05, 2020:
After many years of being a good friend to many who inevitably drop me within time and after I have been there for them, I've come to realize how different we all are even though we have commonalities and enjoy each other's company while sharing. Time after time, at least with me, as I have gathered with many friends there are differences in that are only sometimes noted and almost always result in a friend deciding it's time to move on with fickle rationale. Most people don't want or value true long standing friendship. There too often seems to be an "enough" time spent element no matter how good and supportive a friend you have been. True friendship and having things in common are just not enough to hold on indefinitely in friendship. Many SIMPLY TIRE OF OTHERS. So, here I am again at a loss from being dropped recently. I'm trying to take it in stride and accept it as inevitable from repeated disappointments and hurt while understanding it's a big part of human nature to move on to what is perceived as better or even back to ways that really never changed. Your article was wonderful to read and hit so many true areas. Thanks for reinforcements.
Rea on April 26, 2020:
Thank you so much for this article. It really helped me to understand my feelings and realize that there are so many others out there going through the same thing.
inspiredose on April 17, 2020:
casual friendships they are just a waste of time so I actually cut him off all the way finally because I'm not sure that he would help me in a big way.
Mlssufan01 on April 02, 2020:
it's funny, how in a culture of ghosting and orbiting and unfriending, we have essentially been all but forced into isolation; and yet it seems the one thing people have a huge problem with is being alone. For me, isolation is nothing new...I lived in the countryside on a farm growing up; friends were few and far between. Most church experiences have been just a heaping pile of rejection; and working in a restaurant made it near impossible to have weekend social gatherings. For me, social distance is just another average Tuesday. But I hope for the ghosters out there, social distance is a revelation of the feelings that come along for their victims.
Devika Primic on March 31, 2020:
It did happened to me when friends cut me off and it felt horrible but I ignored them if they were true friends they wouldn't have cut me off in the first place.
Lauren on March 14, 2020:
Katie Roger is Catholic so he has friendship in mind he's sweet he's not the kind of guy who would do anything wrong that would be Dominic who by the way moved back to where his parents live so he's going to be a pain in my side again
Brooke on March 11, 2020:
Every one of my best friends dropped me to today and I can’t stop crying does anyone have more thighs I could try please?
Lisa on March 01, 2020:
Thank you for this article! I really needed it!
M on February 23, 2020:
How do we know if we are forcing a friendship? And if God wants this person in our lives..even if it is a difficult relationship?
My friend reached out to me and told me I was a true friend but I don't know what to make of it.
James on February 15, 2020:
As someone who is feeling this way currently feeling like people are just dropping out left and right, I’m doing what I can to prevent myself from thinking that it was me because it probably isn’t.
The thing is I’ve had people who weren’t honest with me and I find out from someone else “oh by the way so and so finds you annoying”. I’m confused as much as we talked whenever I did whatever it was, they couldn’t have said anything? Now I feel like I’m having to be a mind reader to see if I’m annoying to people.
It’s confusing, it’s frustrating, it’s hurtful and it’s difficult to get through this but this was a great read I’ll definitely come back to read this.
Nicole K (author) on January 27, 2020:
I’m so glad you’ve healed a lot and have been able to move on. God bless :)
Nicole K (author) on January 27, 2020:
Yes, loneliness can definitely be so difficult to experience. I’m familiar with it as well. Praying you will find like-minded friends to come alongside you and truly love and care for you. Why not take a class in your city or at a community college, or start attending a bible study? You may be able to meet like-minded friends there—when you are ready, of course. Perhaps go to professional counseling to start with, if you think it might help. I also recommend Talkspace (a counseling app). My prayers are with you.
Lauren on January 26, 2020:
Well I've done a lot of healing since the friendship with Dominic ended I no longer feel the need to text him it's like he never existed
M on January 22, 2020:
Thank you for your kind words, Nicole. I re evaluated all the friendships I've had and you're right. I've decided to take some time alone to work on myself.
I've been praying for a good friend for years and I've been bullied when I was younger for not having any. I guess I just settled for friends that weren't good for me.
I know how painful and unbearable loneliness can be..but it has also kept me humble and kind. Maybe God has a reason for everything.
Nicole K (author) on January 22, 2020:
First off, I’m sorry you’re going through this and I know how tough it can be. You asked, “Should I just accept that I’m not built for friendship?” Definitely not! Maybe you need to turn that question around. Maybe you need to ask yourself, “Should I just accept the fact that the friends I’ve met so far have not been right for me?” Do some soul care and healing, perhaps join a bible study or get into therapy for awhile to work on healing your heart. Then, when you’re ready, invest in people who genuinely care about you for who you are. God bless and please keep me posted.
Nicole K (author) on January 20, 2020:
I don’t have an article on that, you’re right! I am so sorry you had to go through that experience and that you feel untrusting of people in general as a result. I don’t blame you for those feelings. It would definitely be beneficial for you to seek counseling to unpack all your emotions regarding this person and learn to find ways to heal and move forward with healthy friendships in the future. Please don’t let one person spoil your view of friendship in general. She was dishonest about her intentions and she misled you and tried to manipulate you, which was very wrong. Through counseling and prayer, you can find ways to meet genuine friends who won’t lie to you or betray you in this way. I hope you make it to a healthier place in that journey soon. The Lord bless you.
Nicole K (author) on January 20, 2020:
It hurts just as much when it’s a gradual process, as it does when it’s a sudden cut-off of contact, doesn’t it? Because the more time that goes by, just leaves you with more questions than answers as to why the person no longer speaks with you or chooses to maintain the friendship. But, God knows! That is when you need to pray. Pray for your friend. Pray for God to work in her life. When you miss her, don’t just think about it and be sad. Pray! Then, wait... and have faith that God is working! Praying for you as well.
Nicole K (author) on January 20, 2020:
What a painful experience, to be cut off by a friend after such a long time—thirty-five years, wow! I would say that you stayed silent during her divorce, and regretted it, so don’t stay silent any longer! Reach out to your friend one more time, preferably in a personal way like a hand-written card (assuming she checks her mail often). Explain that you were thinking of her, but thought it best to give her space as she went through the difficult divorce. Recently, however, you realized that was probably not the best idea and you regret that decision. Tell her that you are sorry for being distant and ask for forgiveness. Tell her that you would love to be friends again if she would like that as well. Make sure to tell her how much your friendship and memories together mean to you. I pray she can find it in her heart to forgive you and rekindle the friendship again. The Lord bless you and give you peace either way.
Nicole K (author) on January 20, 2020:
Thank you! I appreciate you taking the time to read the article and comment. God bless you.
M on January 13, 2020:
I find it difficult to let my guard down and form deep friendships. My only best friend cut me off suddenly..its been 3months. I told him im afraid of being abandoned and he said he would never do that to me.I don't want to go through this again. My loneliness feels philosophical..im too out of place,wherever i go.Should i just accept that im not built for friendship ?
Nicole K (author) on January 04, 2020:
Thank you so much for the sweet comment! I do try my best to log on from time to time and respond to comments. I know how much people need support and encouragement, having been through this situation myself. Thank you for mentioning that documentary. It sounds like it’s worth watching. I’ll look it up and see if it’s still on Netflix. It is amazing what some people are able to forgive. I believe it’s God’s example and His love pouring out of us that makes this type of radical forgiveness possible. God bless you.
Kate on December 24, 2019:
Well, my best friend was secretly trying to get me to sleep with her for two years. Do you have an article for that? Didn’t have gaydar before, but I do now. Never trust a lesbian, even if she’s Christian and “trying” not to live the gay lifestyle. Lust ruins all adult relationships. No one seems capable of physical closeness without it being weird. I don’t trust anyone now. I’ll be happy when I’m dead. Free from this corruption. A big mess we are. Please return soon Lord.
Lauren - men and women can’t be friends. Roger only wants to sleep with you.
Michelle Thelen from Chapel Hill, NC on December 14, 2019:
This happened to me about 5 years ago. I was slowly but assuredly cut off from a friend who I truly loved and respected. It almost feels like if I did not truly know her, and that my tendency to either idolize or be too critical kept me from the true intimacy.
She was such a good mentor to me and I really miss her. You are right that it feels like a death. I can never get back to the fun and simple ways we shared. But what is left is some remorse, some lessons learned, and some work to do. Life can be so hard sometimes. Friends are like pots of gold. I strive to remember this at all times and with each friend I treasure today.
Great article and very helpful to read. It allowed me to reflect more on the actual reality of friendship, and what it means.
Gretta on December 13, 2019:
I turned to this after today being cut off by a friend of 35 years. I feel at fault as I hadn’t been in touch while she was going through a painful divorce. I didn’t want to be seen as prying and time drifted by. I realised today that I took her for granted as an old friend who would always be there. How do you cope when you feel it is your fault? It made me question what sort of person I am. I thought i was kind and caring. Now I just feel selfish and thoughtless. I am struggling to come to terms with this.
Mohamed Akel on November 28, 2019:
Mlssufan01 on November 11, 2019:
Hi Nicole...can I just say, 5 years and still actively commenting on people's posts? You're doing a great job.
I recently watched a documentary series on Netflix called "I Am a Killer." I specifically wanted to mention Episode 2, involving a dispute between Texas governor Nico Lahood and Kenneth Foster. In it, Kenneth was an accomplice to a murder of Nico's brother...and in the doc we see Nico visit Kenneth's dad, a church leader or pastor.
It was encouraging to see someone be able to forgive so much and to talk with such a person...perhaps it gives me hope for those lost relationships from lesser sins. I can't promise those broken relationships will be restored for everyone...but perhaps this can change at least one or a few people's minds about reconnecting with someone from their past.
It is a good watch, but fair warning on language and a couple other things on the show.
Lauren on October 26, 2019:
Dominic was a very close friend at first for thirteen years and I knew him well he got a girlfriend and she ruined everything it's her fault but I don't talk to him anymore he moved away which is good now I've got Roger that's actually acting like a close friend like he should I think once a guy gets in a relationship he turns immature in certain areas which is a shame so now I'll never have another guy friend that's in a relationship
Nicole K (author) on October 07, 2019:
You bring up an excellent point. However wonderful our intentions are within a friendship, there is always a chance that they can be taken the wrong way or not received well. You mentioned that you had the intention of this friend changing for the better. Often times, people do not want to change, even if it would be to their benefit. It is just really hard to change one's behavior when it is deeply ingrained (and the older we get, the more our personalities and behaviors seem to be "set" or fixed). However, people can obviously make positive changes, but they have to really desire the change for themselves. The motivation (most often) must come from within. Reaching out and asking for forgiveness are positive steps in the right direction, but do not guarantee the desired outcome of a reconciliation. It also doesn't mean the friendship can't come back around at some point in the future. You just never know. God bless you and thank you for adding to the discussion by sharing your story.
Cool Beed on October 06, 2019:
Hi Nicole K! I've been through the same situation. I tried amends, sent a note and asked for forgiveness but sometimes, others see things differently as we do. Something which we must honor. I prayed asking for forgiveness if I hurt her and let it go. I felt hurt knowing that what I thought was something which was good for her (although it had the intention of changing the way my friend was) was taken negatively. The important lesson I learned though, whatever ghood intentions one may have, may not be the same for the other. I wish you well...
Nicole K (author) on October 04, 2019:
I'm glad you learned something of value. Thanks for your comment! God bless you.
Nicole K (author) on October 04, 2019:
Yes, I do remember your post. I am so sorry you are still dealing with the hurt and suffering this family has caused you. I don't know if exposing them publicly is what the Lord would want. I would be very, very cautious and prayerful about that. "Vengeance is mine; I will repay," says the Lord. (See Romans 12:19) Don't torture yourself by listening to this pastor's sermons any longer. It will only fuel your bitterness. Only God can heal your heart and give you the strength to move forward in new friendships. Believe me, I know how difficult it can be to be vulnerable and put yourself out there after you have been wounded. Continue to pray for this family, that God would open their eyes to the ways they may have acted in hypocrisy, but also for yourself to forgive and be able to move on in a healthy way. Practice self-control by not allowing yourself to click that link to their sermons or look at their social media accounts anymore. Consider it kind of like looking at the profile of an ex-boyfriend... just avoid it altogether, because it's like putting yourself a step backwards in terms of your healing. They were in one chapter of your life, but now it's time to turn the page and start a new chapter. New people, new experiences, for new emotions.... hopefully healthier and more whole. God bless and my prayers are with you :) Remember the Lord never leaves or forsakes us. He is working on your behalf in ways you don't know about!
Mlssufan01 on October 04, 2019:
Hi Nicole...you may remember my posts earlier about the major falling out with the pastor's family (whom called me barely tolerable). Ive tried moving on, tried forging new friendships (and I have) but I still can't let these people go, no matter how hard I try. I find myself giving in to listening to his sermons online, and it makes me even angrier when I hear him preach about forgiving people, not judging people, loving the imperfect...all the stuff they clearly won't do for me, no matter what I do. This pastoral family has destroyed me emotionally and mentally. I can put them in the back of my mind for a season but the thought of them always comes back at some point, maybe there's part of me that hopes one day they'll message me and either apologize or explain themselves. They say they don't feel slighted yet every action they take screams that they hate me. Part of me just wants to write about them publicly and make people aware of the betrayal and unforgiveness; the only thing preventing me is that I really do love them. But maybe love is finally correcting them and exposing their sin.
Nicole K (author) on October 04, 2019:
I wonder... do you think the relationships you're calling "casual friendships" could be categorized as more similar to acquaintances? Or are they friendships that are not very deep yet (just surface level)? But then again, that's basically what an acquaintance is, I think. In any case, I am glad that you have a good friend in Roger and that you don't feel the need to keep up shallow friendships that don't meet your needs!
ben on October 02, 2019:
nice article really learnt alot
Lauren on October 02, 2019:
Yes deep friendships are healthier though so there's no need for casual friendships I don't have any whochis okay because I kinda don't have room for casual friendships but it is a good thing that I have Roger he's so sweet he's there for me like all friends should be he does everything that Dominic didn't do but Dominic did go to his parents house but I cut him off completely because like I said I don't do casual friendships
Nicole K (author) on September 24, 2019:
I am so sorry you're going through this. It's so tough and painful. Praying for you right now. May the Lord comfort you and bring some new, healthy friendships into your life.
TiaSagi on September 24, 2019:
I was recently cut off by my best friend, ghosting as well.. and it really hurts me a lot. hurts more than a break up, all i read on this, i am experiencing it right now. Knowing some personal issues. Yet I reach her out until yesterday, guess that'll be the last. i miss her so much.
Nicole K (author) on September 18, 2019:
Sai, I’m so glad my hub encouraged you to step forward in life with more enthusiasm and live out the best version of yourself! Blessings.
Nicole K (author) on September 18, 2019:
I see what you’re saying, but I disagree. You’re not cold, naked or alone for long at all when you’re born (most of the time). The mother is there to comfort, clothe, feed and nurture the child (as are many others). When dying, many people are surrounded by family and loved ones. True, it doesn’t always happen this way. However, who knows how much comfort God Himself brings to his children in their final hours, and it may even be the case that he sends angels to comfort us, too. All is not lost. Even when mankind disappoints, God never will leave us if we love Him. I pray you will come to this knowledge as well. The Lord bless and encourage your heart.
Nicole K (author) on September 18, 2019:
That’s wonderful that you are in a good place with your friendships now. There are big perks to having deeper friendships and not just casual acquaintances, so I’m glad to hear you have some close friends to rely on. Thanks for the update and I hope everything continues to go well. God bless
Nicole K (author) on September 18, 2019:
What should you do if your fake friends still talk bad about you? Well, you can’t really control what they say, so I would advise to take the high road and just ignore them, if at all possible. Eventually, when they don’t get a response from you, they’ll probably get bored and find someone else to bother. Also, pray for them, because we are supposed to pray for our enemies, and right now they are the closest thing to “enemies” in your life! God bless you.
Nicole K (author) on September 18, 2019:
It’s a common occurrence for friends to stop reaching out as much when they go through a transition (whether good or bad) or a new phase in life. I would encourage you to give it some time, and see if once the “honeymoon period” is over, your friend comes back around and starts talking to you again. In the meantime, make plans with another good friend, family member, or a relatively “new” friend who you’d like to get to know better. Don’t wait around for this one person to be available, to live your life and have fun. Blessings!
Nicole K (author) on September 18, 2019:
I don’t blame you for not accepting the friend request. This person really had some nerve to never respond to your initial message after she ghosted you, but then to send you a friend request all these years later. It makes one wonder, are some people just totally oblivious to the repercussions of their actions? Or do they just not care. It’s very frustrating and disappointing. I would just continue to move on as best as possible, since it would obviously be super uncomfortable to accept the friend request at this point. Surround yourself with friends and family who are happy to be in your life. I’m sorry you had to go through this and I hope you’ll find some peace in spite of this upset. God bless you.
David ole on September 18, 2019:
I wish to meet new friends
Sai Amrutheshwari on September 14, 2019:
Your article motivated me to move on with my life even more stronger version of myself. Thank you ma'am
Eric on September 10, 2019:
I realize now that we are born into this world cold naked and alone, that is also how we die. well maybe not naked in death but alone yes.
Lauren on August 07, 2019:
I've got more good news my friendship with Roger is going well it's so strong he's such a sweet guy and treats me with the respect that I think I deserve that and Dominic is moving away he's not going to be my neighbor anymore I'll never have to see him again it's the best thing that happened I don't have to be home alone anymore my mom or a friend will always be here which is good in case I get sick and I've still got Nina as my friend and can call her any time I need to she's like a sister to me so I don't have anymore casual friendships
Lauren on August 06, 2019:
Dominic still wants to be casual friends but I'm not interested in casual friendships they are just a waste of time so I actually cut him off all the way finally because I'm not sure that he would help me in a big way only I. Small ways I'm glad that I didn't let the casual friendship continue it could have been a bad thing things for sure would have gotten worse
Orlaghmccavana from Goring by sea on August 04, 2019:
What should I do if I’m not ready or not interested for a relationship and what should I do if my fake friends keeps saying negative things about me?
LB on July 31, 2019:
Am I getting it right: you are a girl, your friend is a boy, and he is in relationship with a girl?And he told you he will not contact you anymore? Obvious explanation is that his girlfriend is obsessively jealous and she forbade him to talk to you. You did nothing wrong. Your friend has no balls and he is scared of his crazy, possessive girlfriend. Its known mechanism of abuse: abusive partner cuts off his victim from family and friends so he/she will have no support. I was on receiving end of such treatment, with the difference I and my best friends are both guys. His wife simply one day forbade him to see me despite our 12-year friendship and he complied. Sometime later she cut him off from all his other friends, later limited his visits to family to one per year, on Christmas. I know from his sister that things are getting worse: she is regularly hitting and slapping him in front of their children and is threatening to take them away from him. Unfortunately, it seems that your friend is in toxic, abusive relationship and he will never be able to get out from it.
Strawberry on July 28, 2019:
Thanks for this biblical, encouraging post! I have recently been struggling with this. A close friend of mine got married this spring and doesn't reach out to me anymore. It is sad☹️.
dinevin on July 24, 2019:
Sorry I didn't have this article 30 years ago, before facebook or information available on the internet. I was ghosted by what I thought was my best friend in the world. At the time, I wrote her a note to ask why and what I could do to fix it. She never responded. It took me years to get back a semblance of self esteem after the devastation of being ghosted. I reached out about 15 years later by phone and was hung up on. I was again shocked and devastated. It took me less time to regain "myself" that time. That is when I decided I needed to "put her to death". She "died" for me and I determined that I would never try to contact her again. It was the best way for me to finally really move on from the heartbreak. After 30 years she put in a facebook friend request, which brought up all the pain and memories of being ghosted all over again. She never reached out personally so I didn't feel it necessary to accept the friend request. Still, it was hard to have this type of reachout. It caused me a great deal of pain. I only recently, finally deleted the friend request. I did not see any way to get beyond the lack of response to my initial letter to her so that I could have at least had some closure all those years ago. It has definitely affected ALL of my subsequent female friendships which really is what upsets me the most. I'm really irritated that she has decided to insert herself into my life with not so much as a hello after what she did to me all those years ago. I would never just stop communicating with someone. I would always take a call from someone even if I don't want to hang out with them. Anyway, onward and forward. I now need to forget this person one more time and finally this time.
Nicole K (author) on July 22, 2019:
It is so tough. It does sound like your friend is struggling with depression and might need some time and space to work through some issues. Praying for you both.
J on July 20, 2019:
I am going through this right now. The last he told me was he was depressed and not feeling himself. I had been trying to contact him but stopped for a few weeks. Saw him working out on a street. Tried sending him a message again that said I hope you feel well and things are going ok. Nothing. Maybe one day I'll hear from him again or I'll try sending a card to him. It just sucks so bad.
Nicole K (author) on July 07, 2019:
Do you think you deserve better treatment? If you do, you’re right! We teach others how to treat us by the boundaries we put in place. Hang out with other friends and don’t talk to this person until they contact you first. Let them wonder what you’re up to. If he/she comes around, then okay. But I wouldn’t get too attached because saying they’re hanging out with their “real friends” was rude and shows where you stand in their eyes. I think you need to spend more time with people who appreciate your value! Genuine friends who care about you and you them. God bless and may the Lord guide you.
Nicole K (author) on July 06, 2019:
Of course I have no way of knowing for sure, but it sounds to me like maybe your friend's girlfriend didn't like him texting you, and told him to stop. Even if it was only about school assignments, she might have still gotten jealous. Just a thought. In any case, I'm sorry for all the hurt it has caused you and I hope you will be able to focus on the other friendships in your life and move on from the pain you've been feeling now that the two of you are no longer speaking. Best wishes to you and God bless.
Nicole K (author) on July 06, 2019:
I think you hit the nail on the head. Some people are meant to be in our lives forever and some just for a season. Excellent point. Even as a life coach, you're still human and have to process your emotions. Best wishes to you. I hope you come to a place of peace with it all. Saying a prayer for you right now. God bless you!
Me on July 06, 2019:
Sothis girl is my best and only friend we were joking about who was better tom holland or mike faist (its mike faist) and i was like mike faist is twelve amd she jyst cut me out of her life forever we she us the reason im still on this earth and now shes gone
Raven on July 04, 2019:
Ok, I was wondering what to do when you give your friend a second chance and you get ready close to them. Then they throw you away like your nothing to hang out with there, what they said *real friends* They also have been ghosting me for a about 5 days now. Please help (╥_╥)
AnneClark16 on June 26, 2019:
It's been about 2 days ever since my friend suddenly text me to tell me I shouldn't contact him anymore. I was wondering what went wrong so I did ask him what was happening. All I got was, I need not know the reason why and that's it. I took it as it is without knowing anything about what I did wrong.
It is really really weird because we didn't contact each other for more than a month. Even when we saw each other, I would try my best not to talk to him or look at him, because I know he's in a relationship and I didn't want to cause any misunderstanding between them. In fact, we are just coursemates, nothing more than that. So, really, it hit me hard because I was always careful about my actions around him and everything. The only time we texted each other is when we're facing issues with studies, and that's all.
To be honest, I am very hurt, and I kept blaming myself even though I really don't know the reason. I tried to figure out by going through some past messages we had together, there really isn't anything wrong. It was really clear that the conversations were all about studies only. And even if I had any feelings for him, I wouldn't even say it to anyone or show that part of me to anybody because I knew he had feelings for someone else. I always think that this feeling wasn't that serious because I had my personal issues to deal with and didn't really care about that.
I got no one to talk to about this issue because it seems like I was the only person being told off, to cut off this friendship. I had questions in my mind like, is there anything wrong between him and his girlfriend or he got caught doing something he shouldn't have done to his girl? I really need an advice. I am moving on, accepting this is the end of our friendship, but still couldn't help but wondering 'What is wrong with me? This is most likely my fault'.
Laura M Jacoby on June 23, 2019:
Great article. This just happened to me a couple of weeks ago and it's still so raw. I am a woman of faith and a life coach. I work with women who are unconfident with who they are, helping to instill confidence and assertiveness. It's a difficult path to understanding that some people are in your life for a season and some for a lifetime.
Nicole K (author) on June 14, 2019:
I agree that moving on from a friendship is sometimes necessary. I'm sorry to hear that your friend did not respect the boundaries you tried to put in place. Perhaps it was not convenient for her to call during her children's naptime. Perhaps they do not often nap at the same time, or perhaps she has many other tasks to do during naptime such as dishes, cleaning the house, preparing meals, and so on. Maybe her husband is not very attentive with the children or maybe he is gone a lot on the weeknds. I don't know her side of the situation, so it is tough to say. One can only speculate. I think it would have been okay to approach this situation in a different way. You could have pressed the issue further, rather than simply ignoring her calls (which is essentially ghosting her). You could simply say, "I would love to talk to you on the phone, but the sound of your children's fussing in the background is very distracting and honestly stressful for me. If calling when they are awake is the only time you have available, I'm sorry that I won't be able to talk then. Can we meet up for coffee or lunch sometime when you have a babysitter?" In this way, you are giving a more detailed explanation so that she really understands how much the crying in the background bothers you. You're also giving her an option to meet in person, so that the friendship is not totally lost. Just a couple of ideas, if the friendship is worth salvaging for you (and for her sake, as I know all too well how hard it can be to keep up friendships as a busy mom!) Also, good for you for having the patience to work with kids during the week and be their teacher! That takes a lot of energy, I'm sure! God bless and I hope you have a wonderful weekend.
Madeleine Clays on June 11, 2019:
This is a very good article. I had a friend who I unfortunately had to cut out of my life. She used to call me while her toddlers were screaming in the background. I would suggest to her to call me back when her children were napping or when her husband was home so that he could watch them while she spoke to me. However, she continued calling me while her children would yell in the background. Sometimes she would ask me to hold on while she attended to them between their screams. It was so stressful for me when she would call me, especially because I was a full-time elementary school teacher at the time, and was already so tired when I would get home from work and needed my weekends to relax. I felt that she did not respect my boundaries or me. I simply stopped anwering her phone calls. I think there is a time to walk away from a friendship and I think this was one of those times.
Nicole K (author) on May 30, 2019:
I think that writing a letter to your friend and expressing your feelings would be the best way for your to gain the closure you're looking for. I agree that it is a good idea for you to do so and that you have every right to express yourself in this way. I hope you are able to convey your feelings of hurt and rejection in a meaningful and sincere way, while also leaving the door open for friendship in the future, if it's mutually agreed upon. I pray that you'll be able to make lasting and meaningful connections with new people, as well as deepen other friendships that are already part of your life. I am so sorry you had to go through this pain as well, but know that you are not alone. Cherish the good times you had, but let go of that individual for now. Who knows if she may come back around at some point in the future. There may have been something going on that you had no idea about, nor could you have done anything to stop it. But I hope you are able to find peace in the midst of this unfortunate situation and that you're able to grow from it as well. God bless you.
Chrissy Marshall on May 08, 2019:
It's ironic this is your name, since my close friends name is also Nichole. We met in college and were not best friends, but very close ones. In college we hung out almost daily and have lots of wonderful memories together. We separated in distance for a while but I was one of the few invited to her wedding 6 years ago, and we remained close through text, etc. She moved to Washington 3 years ago, and I moved here two years ago. I was so excited to be near her again and watch her kids grow up. In about January, the last thing I remember was us texting about whatever things... possible visiting, the snow, the bachelor. Several weeks went by which was normal.
I went to tag her in something on Facebook, and couldn't find her. So I texted her, asking if she deleted Facebook, joking that she better not have deleted me. No response. Tried texting about something random a week later, nothing. Tried calling a few weeks later and didn't get through. I finally realized she blocked me on Facebook, Instagram (personal and kids account). I tried to just leave it alone for a month more. In March, two months later, I innocently pretended I knew nothing and said I couldn't visit and I hoped all was well. Again, very unlike her to not respond at all. Even on Pinterest, I was able to see she is alive at least, and she blocked me there too. I mean....who blocks Pinterest? Seems like a ridiculous amount of effort.
If we had been fighting, I would understand. But I quite literally have no clue why she would be so drastic and literally block me from everything. It's really really hurtful because we have been friends for 12 years...close friends. She has an autoimmune disease and I have taken her to the hospital more times than I care to admit. My first thought was that she was sick, but looks like she's fine.
The bottom line is... she was always my blunt and honest friend. And her own brother recently blocked her and she told me about how much that hurt her. It just makes zero sense, and honestly, is so unfair. I lost two grandma's this year and I don't know if she was afraid I would visit and be all emotional (I obviously wouldn't have) but it just feels so cruel and mean. I know she has to know how much this would hurt me, which is why it feels like a stab in the back. I'm not perfect, but I have been a good friend. At the very least, I deserve enough respect to tell me why, especially at a time when I need friends.
Anyway, obviously it's done but I'm a person who needs closure. So I am thinking about writing her a letter. I have a gift I was going to give her kids next time I saw them. So I figured I'd slip a letter to her, and ask her to please read it at the very least.
I won't make it long, and I'll be the bigger person. But I just feel like I have the right to share my feelings, and tell her how much I always appreciated her honesty. I would also say that I deserve to be respected, even if I'm not going to like it, and I hope in the future, if she has an issue with a friend, she will reconsider how she will handle it, and how their feelings will be affected. I would of course be positive and thank her for the memories, wish her well, but also make it clear that I do not want her to respond unless she truly wants to because I deserve to be treated better than this. It may seem petty or dramatic, but I don't think I will be able to let it go unless I say my peace. And I think it would be good for her to realize this is not how to treat a friend.
I will say that I don't plan to put my return address on it, and may even block her number so that she would have to unblock or email me if she really wanted to. And even if she did, I don't really want someone in my life who clearly does not care about me or value my friendship/feelings.
Sorry for the long comment... this has just been causing me an incredible amount of pain and I needed a neutral place to let it out. This is a girl I always planned to have as a bridesmaid in my wedding someday. Another thing I plan to tell her in my letter.
Anyway, any kind words of wisdom would be very much appreciated. Thank you for this wonderful article.
Nicole K (author) on April 20, 2019:
You said your friends 1) Keep making fun of you, 2) Leave you behind, and 3) Never let you join. Those three things do not sound like things friends should do to each other at all! It sounds like you need to confront these so-called friends and find out if they are ready to start treating you with respect and kindness. If they continue this behavior, it's time to find some healthier friendships !
Orlaghmccavana on March 16, 2019:
What should I do if my friends keeps making fun of me and leaving me behind or never lets me join
Lauren on March 06, 2019:
Yes and the best part is Dominic isn't acting so weird I've learned that I don't really need the kind of friendship he was giving me I'm actually not in contact with him at all I've totally cut contact altogether there's no contact I'm much happier that way because now I don't know of anything that's going on in his life anymore I don't really need to know because I'm done with him Roger doesn't text me much but when he does the friendship doesn't feel casual at all which is good because I simply have no time for that kind of friendship
Nicole K (author) on March 01, 2019:
Thanks for visiting this page and expressing your thoughts. After being best friends for 10 years, my friend cut me out of her life. Yes, she did actually suddenly dump me. That's exactly what happened. Cutting someone off is different than just "moving in other directions". Not taking calls or texts, and refusing to be friends on social media with someone after you were best friends for over ten years is more than just drifting apart. I do agree that our friendships grow and change as we age and walk through various seasons of life. But I don't believe cutting someone off who was once so close is right or healthy. I now know she was going through a lot and that there were reasons behind her actions that had nothing to do with me. I forgive her and I wish the best for her and pray for her happiness in life. But do I think going around cutting people out of your life is a healthy practice? No, I don't. Now, if two people mutually drift apart and transition into different seasons of life, that's another scenario. God bless.
Court on March 01, 2019:
Your friend did not likely suddenly "dump" you. He/she was moving in other directions long before; you did not "see" it because you did not want to. Also moving on in other directions does not mean the person has outgrown you or hates you. The person has just moved in different directions. Once can not tread water for life in one place/space IF she/ he is healthy.
Nicole K (author) on February 10, 2019:
You asked me about the phrase, "You can't love your neighbor unless you learn to love yourself." I think it's kind of a funny thing for a pastor to say, because it really doesn't sound biblical. A focus on self-love and self-esteem, and so on, is actually more of a man-made idea, and a Western idea than a biblical one. I don't know what the context was that the pastor used it in, but I think it's best to stick to what the Bible says, which is to love your neighbor as yourself. We all tend to automatically love ourselves, in the sense that we love and care for our own bodies and our own well-being pretty much automatically. In the same sense, we should also love our neighbors. I'm glad to hear you moved to another state. Maybe that will help. I would do your best to ignore the mixed signals of them liking some content on social media, and then blocking you at other times. It seems like there are just way too many mixed messages with them, and trying to continue a friendship with them is just adding too much negativity to your life. It's probably best for you to focus on new friendships with people, in person, in the new state you're living in. Best wishes to you as you cultivate those new (and hopefully healthier) relationships! Thank you for taking the time to update everyone. God bless!
Nicole K (author) on February 10, 2019:
I'm so glad things worked out and that your friend came back around and is now talking to you again, and that you're planning to meet up and hang out soon. I think sometimes people do just need space to figure things out. It seems like that was the case in this circumstance. How wonderful to have your friend back again! Continued blessings to you.
Nicole K (author) on February 04, 2019:
Lauren, thank you for taking the time to post an update on what's going on in your life! I'm so happy to hear that your anxiety is lower now that you're not in regular contact with Dominic. I hope you will continue to have peace and be encouraged daily. It's nice to hear that you have a new friend who is treating you better!
Nicole K (author) on February 04, 2019:
Nicole, I tried using the "reply" feature on this website, but it was not working. So I'll reply here. First off, I'm so sorry that you're experiencing this as well. Twelve years is a long time to be best friends with someone, so I certainly sympathize with you. I think it's wise of you to do what you're doing--just continue to pray for her and let the friendship go for now. Give her a break. If she says you are at different places now, maybe once some time passes and the two of you are one day at the "same place" again, then perhaps she will want to be friends at that time. You will have to pray about it to determine whether you're willing to risk having her in your life again, after suffering that type of hurt and rejection. Sometimes, friendships can go on a break, and then start back up again as if the two people had never been apart. You really do just have to ask God for wisdom in each situation. Praying for you, and God bless!
Mlssufan01 on February 03, 2019:
Thanks for your reply about the pastor's family Nicole. I've moved to a different state since then. I still haven't heard from them. They really confuse the heck out of me. I remember the pastor saying something ike "you can't love your neighbor unless you learn to love yourself." It didn't make much sense, any thoughts? The other confusion comes from mixed blocking and liking on social media. Sometimes they'll like my posts and pictures, but they also unfollow or at times even block me. It's very confusing. I just wish they'd be open to talking this out.
Kaitlyn Jones on January 25, 2019:
It's been a while. I posted my problem a few months ago about how I have a crush on my best friend (Zack) & he was going through difficult times. Well after that day it's been 3 months since the last time we talked together. A few weeks ago I got a text message from him saying: "Hey Kat(my nickname he gave me lol) I want to thank you for respecting my wishes...I've gotten a lot better. I'm sorry that I was hurtful to you. This year(2018) brought a lot of horrible things in my life and even though I acted out- I had no right to treat you like that. I owe you an apology. Thank you for giving me time...I still want to be friends. I miss you a lot and wish you the best. If you ever want to talk I'm here for you".
When I saw that message I didn't know how what to think, for the past 3 months my emotions have been a roller coaster. I was mostly sad and angry, but seeing that text made me cry tears of joy because I really miss him so much. I immediately texted back saying it's okay & I still want to be friends. Even though I still have feelings for him I'm so happy to have my friend back. We still talk all the time & we're planning to meet up real soon. I want to say thank you, Nicole, for the advice it really helped me out.
Lauren on January 21, 2019:
Nicole just an update I'm doing much better then the last time we spoke I haven't spoken to Dominic in about three months or longer I talked to him twice as a neighbor so I could be on good terms with him but I'm not his friend anymore my anxiety is lower also with daily running and I've got a new friend named Roger who is sweet to me the reason why the friendship ended between me and Dominic is because he put his girlfriend first all the time and his friends at the bottom of his priority list and he wasn't there for me when I was sick a few times or when my anxiety got bad he used to be so sweet I wonder what made him change
Nicole on January 14, 2019:
Thank you sososo much for this. I have been fighting this battle of confusion, and anger, and sadness since October. I miss my best friend. It is hard to see her with other friends on social media, despite her blocking me on facebook and not responding to my text. I am sure nothing will ever be the same. Strangely enough, I do think she has difficulties in her life that she is battling that I don't know about and that makes me sad and I would love to help but I can't if she has shut me out. I just want to get to a point where I am not thinking about it daily and overanalyzing everything. We were friends for 12 years. She said we were at two different points in our lives, which might be true. I will take your advice and pray for her. Thanks again.
Nicole K (author) on January 08, 2019:
First off, my heart goes out to you for all you have been through with this relationship. At this point, since he has deleted you from his social media, I would say that he seems to be keeping you at arm's length at the moment. I would start investing in people that are worth your time and energy and actually give something back to you in return (more than just the occasional "hello" and friendly conversation every couple of years). If he was interested in dating you or keeping you as a close friend, he would have done that, but unfortunately that does not appear to be the case. That does not mean that you are not worthy of deeper connections with others, both as friends and as a romantic partner. I think you should try to broaden your horizons and not focus on him as much anymore. Even if his family remembers you and makes something of it, clearly he is not thinking of you in that way right now. Men generally like to be the one to initiate in a relationship, so if he was romantically interested, he would definitely let you know. Now would be a good time for you to try something new, like join a class or gym, start a new bible study, throw a party and tell people to invite their friends, and so on. Get to know some new friends and enjoy your time as a young adult, and try not to focus on this one person so much. There are so many other guys out there who might be interested in you. Yes, God doesn't waste any of our experiences, and no, there are no coincidences in life, but praying really hard will not automatically restore your friendship with this guy. God wants us to pray to become closer to Him and also to ask for His will in our lives. So pray for God's will regarding this young man, and surrender your cares/desires to the Lord in this area. Then get back to focusing on your life and the friends and family that make you a priority. The Lord bless you =)
Daisy on January 07, 2019:
My message got posted before I finished writing. I just wanted to reiterate that I do keep in contact with his sisters and they have seem me as a family friend all these years. I met his brothers in law at the premiere and they asked me if I’m the girl he mentions from time to time that help get his film project made. Knowing that made me think there is more between us than a simple infatuation, especially when both of our families think their is more between us. Though, as of right now, I’m questioning whether there was anything really there.
God doesn’t make us meet people multiple times just by chance. Surely this friendship can been restored if I keep praying about it, right?
Daisy on January 07, 2019:
I have a similar problem to Katelyn Jones. I have this man friend, we were friends for about 4 years (we met while working together on movie he wrote 10 years ago). Our friendship is/was complex as we live on opposite coasts, but we seemed to find each other on Twitter and stayed in touch without following/friending each other. I stayed friends with him through his divorce and his rebound relationship after (though he kept our friendship a secret as to not upset the rebound since we worked with her, their relationship didn’t last). He has a bogus account that I’m friends with that I converse with once a year, but I know it’s him since the person uses his wording.
Anyways, 5 years ago, I met up with my friend at premier, his girlfriend was not there, but he was very happy and surprised to see that I made it to the event. I was contemplating giving him a note that told him of my feelings for him but without saying I love you because I didn’t want to scare him away. When we were able to have a moment alone, he noticed I looked nervous. He saw the note in my jeans pocket, took it out and read it. He asked me if I love him, he got emotional and I didn’t like to see him sad. So I hugged him and hold him yes, but that I’m sorry if I made him uncomfortable, I would rather stay friends than loose him. He acknowledged that his status has never been something that made or broke our friendship and he was thankful that I gave him a sense of normalcy in his chaotic world. He told me to never apologize about my feelings because we can’t change something that is real. We continued talking and laughing about work and possibly working together again before I let him go talk to his other friends.
After that night, our relationship got a lot more complicated. Within a year his Twitter account had more followers, and more women were asking for his attention, and with that his relationship with his girlfriend became strained (by this time she blocked me on social media).
I tried to be emotionally there for my friend while also taking care of my own needs as at that time I just started a full time job on gop of my part time job.
During that summer of 2014, few of the women admirers started some rumors about him and in particular attached me to the “conversations”. I, of course, was not getting involved with this nonsense and blocked these women.
I started to notice there was tension “in the air” on Twitter the week before Thanksgiving and I left it up to God knowing that I physically could not be there for my friend and I could not see exactly what was being said, but through a friend, I knew something was wrong, so I prayed about it.
By Christmas Eve I finally had a day off to breathe and relax from my jobs, and that night I went to wish my friend a Merry Christmas, only to be struck with the divistating news that he blocked me.
Not only did he block me, but he also unfollowed all his friends as well as coworkers. I immediately started to get asked by mutual friends about what happened and I told them that I honestly have no idea what happened.
Today he has new friends and a new, much younger girlfriend.
To this day I don’t know what happened and I still feel some blame as I wonder if there was anything I could have done to save our relationship.
I still keep in touch with the bogus account, though it’s been 6 months since I’ve received a reply. I wonder if this friendship is even worth saving.
Nicole K (author) on January 05, 2019:
Mutual interests are important in any friendship that is going to stand the test of time. It sounds like this person was not on the same page with you as far as your interests go. I agree that if a person does not respect your boundaries, then it is time to find new friends. It sounds like you know what you want and will figure out how to proceed. Best wishes to you and God bless.
Ellen on January 05, 2019:
These are some good points mentioned. I was friends with someone in school and thereafter. When thinking about the quality of the friendship, I was thinking about what I was doing to add to it and what I was getting in return. An important lesson that I learned when making friends with someone is to look at the primary interests that the other person has in me and ask myself if I am willing to accept that in a friendship. If someone only wants to share one aspect, such as religion, and I have no interest, then the friendship will most likely not work for either of us. An important lesson that I learned with having friends is that I do not need to be a people pleaser and that I have every right to keep certain things off limits. A friend who puts a strain on you for any reason is not worth keeping. I thought that this person was a good friend, but she seldom showed an interest in what I wanted to do. Anytime I would suggest something, she would turn me down, and then spring something on me that I did not really want to do.
I don't want to get into too many specifics because I might go off on tangent.
We are still friends, but I think more on an acquaintance level at this point. There is a possibility that something might be salvageable. If I would set some boundaries with her and she respects that, then we might have a chance. But if she doesn't respect me or my boundaries, then I would say I tried, but it is time to move on.
Nicole K (author) on January 03, 2019:
Nichole Wildly Alive,
You bring up some good points. Yes, you're exactly correct. When a friend cuts us off, we may realize that person is not the wonderful friend we thought he or she was. Perhaps it's the time to find better friends. Realizing your own self-worth and not settling for mediocre friends is important. Thanks for your insight!
Nicole K (author) on January 03, 2019:
I'm glad you found this hub, and I hope it has helped you in some way. Feel free to comment here and share your story if you'd like, and I will respond. I do have my BA in Psychology, but I am not a licensed therapist. Please seek professional help from a local therapist if you find yourself in need. God bless you!
Nichole Wildly Alive on January 03, 2019:
Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed reading. Indeed, such a heart breaking when a friend cut us off. But we need to see the bright side. Maybe they are not good for us. Or maybe we can find someone better. And we deserve better.
louison on December 29, 2018:
thank you for your answer, yes i keep praying for her and all her family, i decided to let her the space she neeeds, i trust in the almighty Lord to keep her safe. thank you very much, you are blessed.
Nicole K (author) on December 27, 2018:
Perhaps when the divorce from her husband is not so fresh, your friendship will be restored. It sounds like she has a lot to work through with that. Hang in there and give her the space she needs for now, but definitely keep praying for her. God bless
Piper Arrow on December 26, 2018:
Thanks for sharing this. I am in great pain right now. I wish to talk to someone.
louison on December 25, 2018:
hello, thanks for you sharing this article; i'm in ,pain and don't understand my friend, i met her 2 years ago and we became friends when she lost a parent,she had a crisis with her husband too and we finish to live together for several months, we help us each other and were very close like mum and daughter because she could be my mom because of her age, we share a lot of things and do many things with each other familys, it was very intense and i think she was my soulmate in frienship. today she goes back in her home but things didn't happens well ans she is breaking up with her husband , she feels bad and refuse my help, we were very near and i can feel her pain but she tell me she doesn't want to see me anymore , doesn't want to write me and phone me like we did almost every day, i understand she has to go trought alone this time and this is what she explain to me, but i feel very bad because she put me away from her life roughly, i love her like a mom and i feel like she let me down, but i can understand but i can't lie about my feelings,i think we were too fusion and i saw her fighting trough her pain falling and rising, helping her every day like my own mom and today we don't share anything anymore, it hurts me so much.
Nicole K (author) on December 24, 2018:
At that point, I would say the person who was cut off needs to broaden their horizons in order to find friends. Join a crafting group, women's bible study or MOPS group (if she has young children). Or join a gym or special class at the gym. You can find friends in lots of places! God bless and hang in there :)
Kim on December 21, 2018:
It says to nurture other friendships, but what if the one cut of is really lonely and the one cutting them off was their only friend?