7 Sure Signs It's Time to End a Friendship
As we grow older, our time becomes all the more precious; we don't want to waste it on friends who deplete us. While this may sound selfish, it's just part of maturing and realizing how important it is to surround ourselves with positive, healthy people who enrich our lives. While there are numerous psychological and physical benefits to having strong friendships, untold damage is caused by holding on to weak ones.
Is It Time to End a Friendship?
- Do you have a friend who's always asking for favors: babysitting her kids, supporting her fledgling business, or looking after her pets when she's out of town?
- When you have plans to get together, does she consistently show up late and frequently cancel?
- Has she done a vanishing act during your time of need?
- Does she weigh you down with her steady flow of personal problems?
- Do you find yourself drinking too much, eating too much, or being overly negative when the two of you are together?
If you're nodding your head, it may be time to end the friendship. Just as it's extremely painful at first for hoarders to relinquish their material possessions, it can be hard for us to let go of long-time friends. When we do, though, it can be incredibly liberating!
How Do You Know When a Friendship Has Run Its Course?
When I was younger, I was drawn to people who had lots of turmoil in their lives, fascinated by how different they were from calm and predictable me. It didn't matter that they were often self-centered and self-destructive. I liked these drama queens (and kings) because they were intoxicating. In hindsight, I realize there was a part of me who felt superior to them, thinking they were broken and I could fix them.
Many decades later, though, I have a totally different criteria for choosing friends, wanting to surround myself with people who support me when I'm down, get me exited about life, and challenge me to be a better person. With that in mind, I've made some tough calls of late, saying goodbye to relationships that were far too draining and debilitating. During this difficult but necessary process, I thought a lot about why these friendships had run their course and discovered seven sure signs it was time to end them.
7 Sure Signs It's Time to End a Friendship
1. She Isn't There for You During Tough Times
My wake-up call about friends came when my son got diagnosed with autism. Up until that point, I'd have described myself as a lucky person with a solid group of pals who would certainly be there for me during a crisis. However, my son's diagnosis quickly and irrevocably extinguished that illusion.
Not surprisingly, the drama queens in my posse turned out to be self-centered. They didn't have what it took to support me in my time of need (I know this gets a big "duh" from many of you). Everything had been hunky-dory when they were center stage but, when they were relocated to the wings, they couldn't tolerate it. They lacked the depth, patience, and compassion to listen when I desperately needed to talk about my son. In fact, they offered so little support that I wound up unburdening myself to a therapist.
My son's devastating diagnoses and its aftermath highlighted the superficiality of those friendships. For that moment forward, I needed something more meaningful and substantial so I let those buddies go. The sage words of the beloved poet, Maya Angelou, helped me know I was making the right decision: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."
I do believe that if we become the best friends for ourselves, we just might keep attracting real friends who would more than likely be very much like ourselves. This is why I have aimed to practice my own life quote on a daily basis, 'Love everyone the same.' In so doing, the ones who are to walk alongside you will stay and those who might only be coming to take, will leave.
— Sister Jenna, spiritual leader and author2. She Doesn't Nag You
After my son got diagnosed with autism, I was prescribed anti-depressants to deal with my grief. One of the medicines led to a 20 pound weight gain. Fortunately, I had one friend who cared enough to nag me about getting in shape and dropping the pounds. We started walking together three mornings a week. During this time, she let me unload about my son while also unloading the lard. She urged me to stop taking anti-depressants and to deal with the source of my sadness in a healthy, pro-active way.
This woman became my prototype of how a friend should behave. She challenged me to become a better, healthier person and I'll be forever grateful. While nagging has a negative connotation, research shows that it's motivational when coming from a caring friend or family member. My friend's nagging meant the world to me because she saw my pain and reached out to help. She pushed me to take care of myself. She was the friend who'd say "how are you" and want an honest response, not just a robotic "fine."
Think of people in your life that are constantly filling your bucket. They give you new information and challenge you. When you surround yourself with friends like this, your life will completely change. You become more positive, driven, and focused on your priorities. THIS is who you need to be spending time with!
— Chalene Johnson, motivational speaker and health expert
3. She's All Talk, No Action
When you're struggling and need help, words ring hollow. When my son got diagnosed with autism, my best friend was full of beautiful things to say: "I'm praying for you. You're in my thoughts. I'm sorry you're going through this." I found them comforting at first but then just irritating. During difficult times, you need a friend who'll spring into action, not just give you lip service.
Some people, who I didn't even consider close friends, took concrete steps to help. Their actions forced me to see them in a whole new light. They watched my baby when I attended speech and occupational therapy sessions with my older son. They brought us dinner when we had a long day of medical appointments. They invited us to play dates at their homes and picnics in the park. People who did nothing to help quickly became former friends, vanished from our lives, and weren't missed one bit.
First of all, don’t offer your help; provide it...So, when you have a friend in obvious need, don’t assume she will ask for your help. Instead, step in and provide your help when and where you can.
— Kelly Hoover Greenway, blogger4. She Doesn't Value Your Time
Many of us have at least one friend who doesn't value our time nearly as much as she values her own. She consistently shows up late for get-togethers or cancels at the last minute with a vague excuse. She's always puffing herself up by saying how incredibly busy she is. Her message is quite clear: I'm a very important person and you're not.
Some therapists suggest that those who constantly arrive late have low self-esteem. However, psychiatrist Dr. Keith Ablow, adamantly disagrees. He believes they have big egos and expect everyone to cater to their schedules. He writes: "People who use lateness to signify they are special or more powerful than those they keep waiting may not plan to show up late, but there’s often a quiet running commentary at the back of their mind suggesting that others will—and really should—wait for them." Whether it's too much ego or not enough, I eliminated friends who were always late and frequently cancelling. My time was too precious to waste on them and their behavior was just rude.
5. She Doesn't Reciprocate
If you think a friendship is always a perfectly balanced 50/50 enterprise, you're probably a very lonely person. That's because our lives get messy with health scares, marital problems, work issues, and troubles with our kids. At those times, friends often take low priority.
When my son got diagnosed with autism, I had nothing to offer my friends because I was drained and defeated. They had to shoulder the relationship if they wanted it to continue. Some did and some didn't. But, when the tables got turned, I was there to lift them up and make them feel stronger. There's reciprocation between true friends but not always on a strict tit for tat time-line.
If you're always giving and getting nothing in return, that's probably because the person doesn't really see you as a friend. She's using you to get what she needs and the relationship between the two of you is of no concern. This happened to me when I was a stay-at-mom. Other mothers would often ask me to watch their kids and I happily did so. But they never returned the favor. I quickly realized that they didn't see me as a friend at all, just a babysitter. It's okay to have transactional relationships like that; just don't mistake them for friendships!
If a friendship is not mutually beneficial and if a relationship is not close to a 50/50 give and take, it is not a true friendship. The acid test of a true friendship happens when you have absolutely nothing tangible to give, yet this amazing person stands with you. This is a true friend.
— Fred Crowell, blogger6. She Uses You as a Therapist
It's easy to get flattered when a friend turns to us for advice. But often they're using us instead of seeking out the professional help they need. Some people thrive on sharing their problems because it makes them feel like the center of attention, but they have no intention of taking our counsel.
I had a friend who turned to me with all her marital woes. For many years, I listened to her and gave her the best help I could. But, year after year, her problems stayed the same and no progress was made. Then I found out she was talking about these same problems with many people, not just me. I was nothing special to her, just another ear. When I recommended that she start seeing a professional, she was insulted and ended our relationship.
Your core values are the ones that stay in place for very long periods of time and tend to endure even when other aspects of your life change. I like to think of these as the values that you cannot do without and will make you absolutely uncomfortable and acting out of step with yourself if you don’t respect them.
— Natalie Lue, author and relationship expert7. She Doesn't Share Your Morals and Values
When you're young, sharing the same morals and values is hardly a concern as you hang out together, gossip, shop, and attend parties. But, as you grow older, they're essential to fostering a strong friendship, building trust, and having stimulating conversations. Without them, you have only the superficial in common and that's not enough to sustain a meaningful relationship.
I had two best friends in college and I thought we'd become lifetime pals as we established careers, got married, and had kids. After graduation, though, both of them had affairs with married men—one with a guy who had a wife and two children and the other to a guy with a pregnant wife. My friends told me about their situations, expecting me to act in a supportive, non-judgmental way. I couldn't do that and that was the end of our friendship. They didn't want me in their lives and I didn't want them in mine.
What do you think?
What would make you end a long-term friendship?
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Questions & Answers
I shared a good friendship with someone. I just feel his behavior has changed towards me. He is married now and I do understand that after marriage you need your space. But his behavior is such that I am not able to understand whether he is ignoring me or wants to cut me out. Is he upset or angry ? He does involve me when plans are made but I am really not able to understand his change of behavior and I don't know how to talk to him about this. I feel stuck.
If you want this friendship to survive and thrive, you need to talk with him about what you're experiencing and feeling. Then listen to what he has to say. Otherwise, you may be operating under a false notion. For example, you may think he's distant because he's married now and wants to spend time with his spouse. In reality, though, his spouse may get insecure, possessive and angry when he spends time with friends. You'll never know until you have a conversation!
In any relationship of depth and substance, you must be vulnerable and expose your feelings. Getting married, even when it's a happy union, is a huge change in one's life and can cause a lot of stress. Your friend may be struggling to balance it all. He may need your support and patience.
It would be sad if this friendship disintegrates because you don't communicate. No matter what happens, you'll be glad that you spoke up and tried to save it. This situation is also an opportunity to build new relationships. If your friend starts having children, he'll be even busier and you'll have even less in common.
Helpful 2I texted "I need a friend" to a friend. She never replied. The message was "seen." Should I drop her?
No. People aren't obligated to respond to every text or e-mail they receive during their busy days. Some do, and some don't. You have no idea what she was experiencing when you sent that message. Maybe, she was suffering from horrible menstrual cramps. Maybe, her boyfriend was breaking up with her. Maybe, she was dealing with a crisis at work.
Our relationships can get so screwed up when we rely too heavily on impersonal ways of communication like texts and e-mails. If this friend means anything to you, you'll discuss the matter with her face-to-face and hash it out. You can start by saying: “I was hurt when I texted 'I need a friend' and I didn't hear anything from you.” Then let her explain. Have a conversation.
We shouldn't be so willing to end a friendship based on just one episode. It should be because there's a long-time pattern of negative behavior. If this friend of yours, for example, is consistently unavailable when you reach out for help, then that's a good indication that the relationship isn't working, and it's rather pointless to keep pretending.
Helpful 11I have a best friend, and I'm the one who's always paying the bills when we hang out to get something. I think she is just around me because of the benefit. I am not feeling the friendship anymore. How do I write her a breakup message that I'm not interested in the friendship anymore?
I wouldn't write her a message. When people receive a written communication like that, it causes them a lot of anguish. They read it over and over, analyzing every word, and struggle to understand the “hidden meaning.” It's not a kind way to end a friendship because it's one-sided; the recipient of the message doesn't get to be part of the discussion, asking questions, defending her actions, and stating her point of view. The brave and compassionate thing to do is talk with someone in person and deal with her reactions and emotions at the moment.
I suggest you have an open and honest discussion with your friend over lunch. Tell her how you're feeling and give her the opportunity to express herself. Something good might come of it. She might value you a lot more than you realize—more than someone who just pays the bills. That's the story you're telling yourself, but it may not be accurate. Give her the chance to tell her side of the story before dropping her from your life.
If you still feel the need to end the friendship, take responsibility for the part you played in its demise. Why were you paying for everything? What was in it for you? Did it make you feel in control? When did it begin to feel not okay? Did you start to feel used? These are some good questions to ask yourself, so you won't get in the same predicament again as these situations often become patterns.
You refer to this person as your “best friend” so please take the time to have a conversation with her. This relationship sounds like it can be salvaged if the only issue is you paying for things. Perhaps, you two just need to limit your time together or take a break. All this should be discussed. I hope it all works out for you both!
Helpful 7I have a group of friends. They’re kinda my only friends, but they leave me out of a lot of things, ignore me, and don’t care about me when I’m obviously upset. Do I drop them? They’re always there for me when nothing is wrong, but when I’m sad or angry, they don’t care.
You seem to have a good understanding of these friends and their limitations, so I see no reason to drop them from your life. They're “good time Charlies,” fun to hang around and share a laugh or two. Your relationship with them, though, is largely superficial so you should cultivate deeper friendships and keep this group on the periphery of your social circle.
Build up your self-esteem, setting new goals for yourself and working hard to achieve them. Doing this will turn you into a more confident person who's prepared to choose kinder and more empathetic friends. You'll be ready to do the choosing rather than waiting for others to choose you. Remember, you can't expect a fine dining experience when you decide to walk into a McDonald's!
In all our lives, we have different tiers of friendship. Most people are on the bottom or middle with few making it to the top. When my sons were babies and toddlers, for instance, I had a dozen friends who had kids the same ages as mine. These relationships were good for hanging out at the park and talking about parenting issues but never grew more substantial than that. Fortunately, I had two long-time friends from college who I could turn to about issues that really mattered deeply to me: spirituality, the environment, social and political causes. We had common interests and values that kept our relationship strong even as our lives moved in different directions.
If you have one or two friends who you can share anything with and who will always have your back, you're beyond fortunate. The whole notion of friendship these days has become hugely distorted by social media where people now claim hundreds and even thousands of “friends” on Facebook, most of whom they've never met! In reality, building a true friendship takes a lot of time: talking, listening, and sharing experiences.
You sound like a level-headed person. Good luck with finding some more meaningful friendships. It's not easy to find the right match, but it's well worth the effort!
Helpful 7I have a 40 plus year friendship that has been off and on, but the person has begun going behind my back after plans are made, playing me against another of her long-term friends, repeating very unflattering gossip about me in front of friends, then blatantly calling me a bitch and the devil. I have finally stood up to this so-called sister, bff, helper since my husband died. What say you?
I don't know what to say other than it's very sad. This friendship must serve you in some way or you wouldn't hold on to it. Perhaps, you think it will revert back to what it once was. At this point, though, it's dissolved into something quite ugly, unhealthy, and destructive. It's time to look inward and ask: “Why am I still here? What does it say about me to continue in this relationship?”
I'm so sorry about the death of your husband. You may be unwilling to end this friendship because you're not yet ready to face another big loss in your life. That's very understandable. But, if this friend was of no comfort and support after your spouse died, that is further evidence that it's time to move onward and build new, healthier connections.
Change is difficult for all of us, and you're confronted with a lot right now. Yet, you also have infinite possibilities to create something beautiful without the negativity this friend brings into your life. Toxic relationships like this zap us of our energy and bring us down. You're at a crossroads where you can now decide to surround yourself with only positive folks. This will improve your mental, emotional, and physical well-being in so many exciting ways.
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© 2017 McKenna Meyers
Comments
AUTHORNick, it sounds like you have no other choice than to move on since she won't respond to your texts. You're wise to realize that communication is key and this is obviously not her strong suit. You simply cannot have a relationship with someone who won't or can't communicate, shuts down, and gets angry. That creates a lot of drama (which can be enticing) but no real chance for a deep, long-lasting connection. As you move forward, you'll come to realize that texting is not the best way to communicate in relationships, whether they're friendships or romances. So much of communication is non-verbal (facial expressions, hand gestures, body language, tone of voice). All that is lacking in texts and can create misunderstandings. Best to you!
so I've been friends with someone... although for awhile know i doesn't really seem like it was anything at all really. Her and I has had a lot of bad conversations (we fight and argue) i always tell her- or at least tried to tell her that communication is key.. and she just seems to shy away and i never get to understand why. We used to go the same school together but she randomly walked up to me while i was talking to some friends and basically told me ¨I´m leaving and your never seeing me again¨.. and when some of my other friends asked me why I didn't ask for a hug she yelled at them saying its none of their business.. we haven't talked since December and I miss her so much... but I cant text her because she wont respond.. Should I just move on?
- AUTHOR
Kevin, I've recently become a minimalist with my possessions as well as my relationships. Like so many of us in the age of social media, I had too many "friends" cluttering my life. When I eliminated Facebook, I felt liberated.
Normally, I wouldn't recommend ending a relationship via text because it's rather cold and cowardly. However, this relationship is so superficial that it doesn't matter. I think this man has just gotten into the routine of communicating with you, but it means nothing. Tell him the truth and be done with it.
We humans have a need for real connection and these online relationships typically don't deliver that. I admire you for handling this in a direct way and not just ghosting the guy. Take care!
I have been wanting to end communication with a person I've known for almost 22 years, but don't know the right away to go about it.
I haven't considered this person a friend for a long time now. We haven't done anything socially in over 11 years, with the exception of me visiting his house a few times to do something he wanted to do. This person is married, but we do live only 10 minutes apart, so there is no excuse for that. I would be totally fine if this person left me alone, but I get frequent texts from him throughout the week. It's always about subjects of his interests(sports & politics related). It's never been "how are doing?", it's constantly what he wants to talk about. When I throw a comment about myself in any way, he would change the subject, or just stop texting altogether. I just feel I have been getting used by this person, as a means for him to get his fix on sports related topics and thats it. It just feels like a waste of my time, as I know there is no friendship here to grow on.
In your opinion, why does this person keep bothering me, but doesn't want anything to do with me except for discussions on sports topics? He told me years ago, he would lie and tell former classmates he ran into me at random places like we weren't even friends. One time I almost got beat up at a bar, and he just stood there and watched. This person is the strangest person I have ever been in contact with, and I just want him out my life.
I would like to tell them via text, since this person is very non-confrontational, and since we don't socially interact anyway. I've also thought about not answering the texts anymore, but I feel this individual needs to hear that his behavior has been unacceptable for many years, and not how friendships should be.
- AUTHOR
It seems like both of you were playing games with each other and not communicating openly and honestly. That's the kiss of death for any relationship.Talking about what you're feeling and experiencing creates a bond and makes us closer. With future friendships, you'll now know to speak your truth, be vulnerable, and not so self-protective. Good luck!
there is someone in my life who i used to always talk to. when the school year started in September i just stopped talking to this person (ive known them for 4 years now almost 5) because i wanted them to show me that they care about me or even if they want to talk to me but i got nothing. They showed signs that they want to talk to me but hints only go so far. A couple days ago this person walked up to me and told me that they were leaving and i was never going to see them again... they said it was them saying goodbye but when they did it they seemed to be shoving it in my face... they were smiling and happy and i was proud of them for going to a community college but at the exact same time they seemed to wait until last minute to talk to me i mean if i known earlier i wouldnt asked to hang out for the entire day.... i tried to text them but they don't respond i tried finding different ways to get aot of them after they headed off but they told me they moved on and to let them go... im confused are they doing this on purpose? and sorry if this is long i just needed someones opinion
- AUTHOR
Tammy, I feel your pain because I, too, have had conflicts with neighbors and know it's not fun. Like you, I try to get along with everyone, but sometimes that's part of the problem. Someone sees that as a weakness and tries to take control.
I would give your neighbor some time and space to cool down. Stop beating yourself up and stay busy with activities and friends. It sounds like the girls next door are bored if they're listening to adult conversations and then reporting back to Mom. I'd just ignore them. Your neighbor will probably come around in due time but, if not, it doesn't seem like much of a loss. Good luck!
I fill I had a toxic friendship with nextdoor neighbor, and she made me feel like I was the guilty one... Here is what happened.
I know it is for the best to let go but the last two days i have really beaten myself up for something i didnt do...
The other day I was talking to a neighbor behind us, she was talking about how cruel it was for the ones right beside me to keep a goat pinned up in such a small pen.I told her that they let the goat out in th back yard, She was talking about how horrible that the goat had mange and her husband told the daughter(The mom kept sending the girls out to listen to all what we said) . She asked the daughter if she wanted to sell the goat, any ways the daughter only heard mayb 1/4 of the conversation and went to tell her mom that we both was talking about the girls. I simply answered the ladys question about the goat and my neighbor thinks I was actually talking about the girls.
I am too old for these games but now my next door neighbor is not talking to me, threw stuff in my yard I gave her. The lady behind us tried to tell her she was only asking about the goat but the mom of course believed all the young girl said. Which is normal for a moms side But i really feel that she should of asked us and herself should of came out to actually ask what it was all about.. I did nothing wrong but she is making me feel I did... I tried to talk to her but she told me to leave she did not want to talk... I would like to get this settled since we are nextdoor neighbors but it seems hopeless...I try to get along with everyone, Im in my late 40's and her in her 30s and Im too old for childish games, I should of seen this coming when she did not talk to me for 3 months because I did not give her my new number, but I pay the bill where does it say by law I had to give her my number.. I would just like to be peaceful, go on, stop feeling guilty and walk around my back yard talking to my Husband and son with out her sending her daughters out to spy and find out what we are saying.. her daughter that started all of this is a sheltered 14 year old and a 10 year old... The mom takes off alot and leaves them two girls at home with the 2 year old... Any suggestions how i can take care of this matter or should i just ignore it and not feel like a prisoner in my own home and afraid there daughters will run back in and tell more lies?
Is it normal to feel guilty for what I did not do? and I should not have to walk on pins and needles in my own yard just because she sends her kids to fence to listen to all my husband and I say or my son and I say... Yes we both own our houses... she wants me to move but I will not, this is OUR HOME NOT HERS...
“Robbing my energy” - That’s exactly the reason I finally decided to end it. And, yes, it did take a lot of thought beforehand. It was a tough decision, but a worthwhile one.
- AUTHOR
That's so true, Glenn We also have less patience for people who rob us of our energy. I'm really picky about who I let into my sphere now. I want positive, upbeat people who challenge me to be a better person. I think when I was younger I accepted a lot of troubled people into my life because they made me feel superior. But I can't take the drama now. While it's hard to end a long-time friendship, I'm sure you gave it a lot of thought and made the right decision.
A few years ago I discontinued a friendship with someone I knew since we were kids. Your explanation of reasons to end a friendship rang true for me as I related many of your examples to the reasons I felt I needed to end that friendship.
As you said, when we get older we tend to value our time a lot more, and therefore we have less tolerance for toxic friendships.
- AUTHOR
Yes, Lauren, a friend who truly listens is rare and should not be taken for granted. I read recently about "compassionate listening" and have been applying it both personally and professionally. In compassionate listening, you don't give advice, make comments, or pass judgment. You let the speaker purge their hurt. I find it to be so very powerful, and it sounds like what your friend did for you.
This has opened my eyes and showed me that a guy who I didn't really think is a friend really is a friend he was there for me when my dad passed away and now he listens to me when I talk to him even if what I say makes him uncomfortable believe me friendship isn't always comfortable he did help me through my anxiety
- AUTHOR
Please accept my condolences on the death of your mother, LaTrice. Sometimes a major event in our lives (your mother's passing, my son's autism diagnosis) gives us great clarity. We realize life is precious, and we don't want to waste time with those who bring us down. During those difficult times, we have less energy and we can't waste it on negative people. Good luck to you. I'm glad it's given you the incentive to make new friends.
I'm thrilled that I stumbled upon this article, so reading it has been informative and refreshing. Unfortunately, not too many people know how to be a true friend in someone's time of need. Life's too short to deal with unnecessary drama, especially when it's coming from a person who's only available on a part-time basis.
I recently ended a "friendship," and haven't regretted my decision. I haven't seen and heard from my so-called friend in a couple of months. He texted me out of the blue while I was at work. I was barely responding back to his text messages and phone calls, since I was busy doing my job. All of a sudden, he gets angry by accusing me of being insecure, wasting his time, poking fun at my appearance and being arrogant. I found his accusations comical, because he's insecure and has a problem. It's not my fault that he can't find anyone to go out with. Despite being a single woman, I wouldn't date someone like him, due to his foul attitude and walking around with a chip on his shoulder. I told him to lose my phone number and blocked it.
I don't need someone like him in my life, since I have enough going on as it is. My mom passed away four months ago, and I'm still grieving her death.
He gave me the opportunity to make new friends. Good riddance!
I love the saying that says To have a friend you must be a friend. I see you live in Bend, my granddaughter was there until recently. I love it there. Must be hot.
- AUTHOR
Thanks so much for the compliment, Lori. You made my day. I think it's ridiculous how people define friendship today ("I have 550 friends on Facebook"). I think, if we're really lucky, we have a hand-full of really good and loyal friends. They're the ones who deserve our focus, kindness, and appreciation. The older I get the more I value them.
I find it odd there are no comments. This was a great article and I learned a lot from it. Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts on friendship.
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