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34 Funny Excuses to Get Out of Doing Something

I am a carefree and simple guy who loves to have fun! I can be serious, but only when I need to be.

A list of funny excuses to use to get out of doing things you don't want to do.

A list of funny excuses to use to get out of doing things you don't want to do.

You have just plopped down on your comfy recliner with a glass of your favorite wine in one hand and the TV remote in the other. You are ready to finally enjoy some relaxation time while watching your favorite TV show.

And then it happens! Your phone does the little vibration dance on the coffee table, disturbing the peaceful moment that you had hoped would last more than a measly thirty seconds. You haven't even tasted your wine or turned the television set on. You wish you could just ignore the call, but what if it is from that hot date you had the other night?

So, you reluctantly pick up the phone and realize it is a number you know far too well. Unfortunately, it is not Miss What's-Her-Name. It is your friend Billy, the one you have simply for the benefits. He is rich and buys you expensive toys like new cars and 60" TVs. In fact, Billy bought the TV you were about to watch, but Billy doesn't know that you are playing him for his money. Still, you have to pick up his call if you want more nice gifts!

Reaching for the phone, you know you are in for some trouble. You remember the time Billy invited you over to a worn down, dilapidated house that stunk of dirty laundry and rotten eggs for a cut-throat game of UNO you pretended to enjoy. Why did you go? Because you couldn't think of an excuse.

We all know that if we try to think of an excuse on the spot, we will get caught red-handed. It is easy to spot a fib when someone is stuttering and pausing every five seconds.

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Let's take a look at 35 funny excuses we can use on poor old Billy so we can avoid playing UNO while gagging on the smell of dirty socks.

34 Funny Excuses to Get You Out of Doing Something

  1. My brother-in-law's friend's father's grandmother's sister's aunt's turtle died, and yes, it was a tragic death. I simply cannot go into the details!
  2. My fortune teller advised against saying more.
  3. I have a court hearing at the same because I stole the last cookie. What a coincidence?!
  4. I am busy writing a love letter to ________ [insert name of your crush].
  5. I promised to help a friend clean the toilet. She doesn't like doing it alone; she gets nervous that she will fall in! Some kind of toilet phobia.
  6. I need to spend some serious time coming up with a good excuse as to why I don't want to do anything tonight. :)
  7. I do not usually go out on days that end with the letter "y". Sorry, personal preference.
  8. People are blaming me for World War III, and I am trying to keep the peace.
  9. Unfortunately, there is a disturbance in the force, and it is not with me right now. I never go anywhere without the force—Skywalker advises strongly against it.
  10. My plot to take over the presidency of the book club is thickening, and I must stay home to make sure everything is working out smoothly.
  11. The President is coming over tonight for some tea and crumpets. At least that is what his text stated. And, like they say, never ditch a President, he likes his tea time!
  12. My hamster needs a good washing! He was playing with the pigs in the mud today. Stupid hamster!
  13. I am teaching my parrot to sing Adele's hit song "Someone Like You." Why? Because it is a catchy song! Sheesh, no need to judge!
  14. I need to double-check the expiration date on my milk. You can never be too sure. And I love my Cheerios in the morning!
  15. Sorry, but I can't do anything for the next few hours. I am allowing my food to digest. You can never play it too safe!
  16. I am planning on going downtown to try out the new Wendys. I hear they make a mean burger!
  17. I don't like to leave my comfort zone.
  18. I left my body in my other clothes, and those clothes are currently in the washer.
  19. My socks are matching! This is a natural disaster, an emergency!
  20. The ceiling tiles in my living room need to be recounted. A friend and I were debating the number last night, and I must prove that I am right!
  21. I must eat more white dots; the monsters have not turned blue yet.
  22. I am being deported Friday, sorry I will not be able to make it. Oh, the boring and lifeless event is Thursday night? I am getting deported Thursday, that is what I meant to say. Sorry, the wine must be getting to me.
  23. I have lost my lucky rat's tail. Sorry, but I never go out without it!
  24. I must get to the bottom of this Cracker Jacks box so I can play with the toy. I heard it is a slinky! I love slinkies!
  25. I have to go to the post office to see if I am still wanted.
  26. I am trying to be less popular. Someone has got to do it!
  27. I am currently working on my bucket list and, unfortunately, attending the release of Dr. Suess's latest book is not on my list.
  28. My cat Mr. Spinkles just fell up the stairs. Can you believe it? Up the stairs? "Mr. Spinkles, I am coming, just gimme one min. . . ."
  29. I need to study for my upcoming history test. You didn't know I was taking summer school this year? I didn't either!
  30. I am observing National Don't Go Out At All Week. You haven't heard of that yet? Really, it is getting to be very popular in Amsterdam!
  31. I need to plant my watermelon seeds. Yes, I know it is the middle of the winter. Duh! I am starting ahead of the game this year!

32. I changed my lock on the door and can't get out. I hate it when that happens!

33. I made an appointment with my eyebrow specialist.

34. I have not met my daily Thesaurus quota yet. I look up thirty words every day.


For all of you wishful thinkers, I am sorry but unfortunately, these excuses will fail 98% of the time, and even that percentage is inaccurate! The moral of the story is that sometimes, playing UNO may not be the worst thing after all. Just bring a gas mask to stifle the smell of dirty laundry. And you had better win the UNO game!

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