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Are White Lies and Pep Talks Good for Your Relationship?


Val is a life-long practically oriented student of effective emotional and attitudinal responses to the many challenges of life.

An Honest Feeling for Someone Often Calls for Verbal Pampering Not Always Consisting of Truth-and-Nothing-But.

An Honest Feeling for Someone Often Calls for Verbal Pampering Not Always Consisting of Truth-and-Nothing-But.

Sometimes all we need is a little pampering to help us feel better.

-- Charles M. Schultz

A Formula for Harmony Within and Without

Everyone is bound to readily claim about themselves how they are a "truth-loving" person---from a lover, parent, friend, preacher, shrink...all the way to a politician. And yet, as we are about to find out, none of the above would perform effectively in their role without applying a dose of white lies, which in a mega dose would translate to a pep-talk.

How is that?

Those very same people to whom we are tied by trust completely would lose their significance in our lives if they started telling us exclusively the crude truth about ourselves, themselves, and the world we share.

But then, even if it would come to that, what would make us competent judges to accuse them of lying to us? Look, a day doesn't pass without our feeding ourselves a bunch of white lies upon which all our confidence, self-esteem, and the whole self-image are heavily based. For sake of sanity we simply have to think of ourselves as "good looking", "smart", "experienced", "skilled"...etc. How true it really is---that's another story, right?

Are we good human beings? Of course we are---what a silly question, right? And yet, in the relativity of everything, many people of this world might not share our opinion about ourselves, finding a flaw here and a weakness there. And if they cared to dig deep enough, who knows how much would be really left of that shiny front that we are exhibiting for the world---and for ourselves for that matter.

That's why we are so elegantly selective about what is presentable and what is not about ourselves. If we were not, we might get depressed like hell, losing much of that enthusiasm, zest for life, that drive and inspiration to take an active part in the events of life.

Maybe some versions of depression are stemming exactly from this neglect to feed ourselves those white lies, while going too "realistic"---warts and the rest about ourselves and our life. With no white lies a cynic gets born in ourselves.

Thus, by that same phrase "in the relativity of everything", what we have cherry-picked as the truth about us is also a right choice, whether a lie, a truth, or only a half-truth, for all the goodness it does to keep our emotional batteries charged. In a strictly philosophical sense, whatever we say to ourselves is a lie anyway ---so, why not make it a white one?

Indeed, folks, whether we say that life is an "exciting journey" or that it "sucks"---it's a lie, a deliberate fabrication, a positionality, so we can't go wrong by slapping a good coat of white paint on it. Then life has ways of thanking us for that.

A White Lie in Encouragement Does What Truth about Their Not Being up to the Task would Never Accomplish

A White Lie in Encouragement Does What Truth about Their Not Being up to the Task would Never Accomplish

Tact is knowing how far to go too far.

-- Jean Cocteau

Tactfulness Equals White Lying

When our opinion about those we love is not "white" enough to be spoken out, it's our sacred duty to paint it as white as possible. Just for an example, how would you have a heart to say to someone sick whom you love that they look like crap?

Then, as your dear wife, the love of your life is proudly trying on her new dress, for which you paid a lot by the way, and now is parading in it in front of the full size mirror like a movie star---would you remind her of the "fact" that no dress in the world could hide that "spare tire" in her midsection?

If you would, then you don't deserve any better than being told that you are not much of a provider, money-wise or bed-wise. I am sure, that remark about the "spare tire" would make your wifie quite articulate about your negative personal inventory.

So, paying for being truthful would only add up to what you already paid for the dress. Bad move, buddy; so go creative and give her one of those admiring looks; borrow it from those times when you are eyeballing that good looking neighbor---that will do.

Really folks, we all seem to be so sensitive to this word "lie", or "pep-talk", so maybe it's time to face the truth how without it no functional relationship of any sort would be possible.

Now, before you jump me with all kinds of protests, of course, it doesn't cover our "performances", which are an altogether different ball game. You can't give a driver's license to someone who crosses red lights and stop signs, and it's perfectly right to seize it from someone like that who already has it.

Job performance, artistic performance, all kind of performances including the one in your bedroom can get you fired if you don't satisfy the standard requirements. But we are not talking about any of those; we are talking about the models of interacting to each other and to ourselves.

And neither are we talking about those sincere expressions of closeness which don't need any white lies. Our theme is the constructive maintenance of a relationship, within which certain expressions may come out sincere---but some others need that "interactional cosmetics".

We simply can't be "sincere" all the time, because that would not be healthy for the relationship. No one wants you to be "perfectly honest" with them. They need verbal pampering, which also gets to be called "support". To make it apparently a little more complicated---we do our white lying in the name of those sincere feelings.

Election speeches are all about who can tell more effective white lies and give a better pep-talk.

Election speeches are all about who can tell more effective white lies and give a better pep-talk.

An occasional compliment is necessary to keep up one's self-respect.

-- Mark Twain

We Are No Robots Acting Upon Facts

A preacher sweet-talking to you about your being a "lovable child of God" simply has to do it in order to be called a preacher and not falling on a level of a cynic who might analyze either "what's so lovable about you", or "what's so wrong about God's taste".

What they are calling "constructive criticism" is merely a logical step-ladder which is to uplift us to a level where we would deserve a certain white lie.

So, is all that about white lies and pep-talk morally justifiable?

Well, our natural model of functioning would make it so, because there would be no escape from it but straight into insanity---since we cannot function like biological robots being fed an input of dry facts. We have to give everything a "significance". Even this word contains a part of the word "signature", meaning that we just have to slap all factual input with a result of our inner processing, intellectual, emotional, and attitudinal.

Without doing that, the whole life would turn into a sterile professional meeting where only facts are allowed. This alone may explain why a shrink or a priest are not really welcome at a party. They make us self-conscious and inhibited in our free flow of being a silly bunch of happy and imperfect humans.

For another brief moment just try imagining how disastrous would be the results of our joint sticking to the fact of all politicians being professional liars. There would be no elections; I mean, none of those happy and perky party conventions, no campaigning---as every candidate would be booed even before starting his brainwashing speech.

Hey, folks, isn't this telling you something? Damn it, we simply love being brainwashed, don't we? Let's call it a "high level pep-talk". And to make it just a little more ridiculous, we call the opposition leader a "liar" with such a dark passion, while completely blinding ourselves from the truth that our candidate is just as full of brainwashing crap---which they are bound to keep proving for four years if they get elected.

Pep-talk is empty if it doesn't mobilize someone's own resources.

Pep-talk is empty if it doesn't mobilize someone's own resources.

Find your fucking balls, Mitch, and reattach them.

-- Jacquelyn Ayres

Let Us Make Our Lies Helpful

But well, that's our nature, we can't help being very selective about which lie can qualify to be called the truth---our truth, that is. Thus, there is nothing basically wrong about white lies and pep-talking, since it seems to be in our default nature to do it.

When a motivational speaker fills your heart and your guts with a new zest for living, it's nothing but a noble attempt to instill into your self-talk a new program of white-lying. Hypnotherapy, psychotherapy, positive affirmations, and positive thinking are all based on re-programming that inner chat that we constantly have with ourselves.

In other words, they are reprogramming our belief-system. Hey, did I just dump this sacred word "belief" into the "white-lie" business? Yes, because belief is really nothing but a thought chosen to stay as a mental signpost in the structure of our personality. It may, or may not have something to do with the factual reality supported by evidence.

That's exactly what makes "believing" and "knowing" different. Technically, every positive belief is a white lie sustaining us in our life-orientation. And it's O.K. like that, folks. Isn't that a sort of a paradox that the truth about lying justifies it?

From the perspective of modern science---and also an ancient spirituality---everything is anyway an illusion, a maya, as it's called in Hinduism, or call it a virtual reality in which we are guided by some deliberate truisms, not the ultimate truth. And I hope I don't have to tell you---something being only a partial truth is not truth, no matter how elegantly painted by our belief and sentiment.

Therefore, let's you and I keep lying to each other and to ourselves about how great people we are; for if everyone's self image was a true reflection of who they really were, this world would look quite a gloomy place, don't you think so? Thinking like that about ourselves at least makes it more true than not doing it.

A moment after we take shower our skin gets full of microorganisms, and it doesn't bother us one bit, because we don't choose to be hard core realists to think about it, but rather enjoy in that illusion of "now being so clean".

One way or another, all of us are quite able "poets of deception", creating our inner and outer world---not to make it "real", but the one that may pamper our existence by lulling us into a comfortable version of the dream called life---whenever we are not in a business of making it a nightmare, that is.


In the short video below you will learn how white lies may be constructive to our relationships---as long as we don't overdo it.

White Lies Are O.K.---but Not As a Habit

Your Thoughts about White Lies and Pep-Talk

© 2017 Val Karas


Val Karas (author) from Canada on March 14, 2017:

Nadine---I believe you might agree that interacting with a variety of folks and their emotional needs for a support may take some improvising. It certainly consists of telling things as they are, or staying quiet (which you are mentioning), or telling a white lie as a balsam for their hurting wounds.

Besides, we are hardly ever "perfectly honest" with ourselves while assessing our own qualities---in a process of building our self-esteem. At best, I would say we are quite selective in the above way---telling as it is, turning a blind eye on something, or patting ourselves on the back with a little more than we deserve.

Thank you for commenting. LOL, now I know, if I ever need my emotional batteries to be recharged---not to come to you for it.

Nadine May from Cape Town, Western Cape, South Africa on March 14, 2017:

What an interesting article. My husband often calls me radically honest. It must be a Dutch trait. Over the years I have mellowed somewhat but I still rather keep silent when I truly have nothing positive to say in a situation than to come up with a lie. I love what you wrote: A belief is really nothing but a thought chosen to stay as a mental signpost in the structure of our personality. Indeed.

Val Karas (author) from Canada on March 13, 2017:

Rachel---Glad you got my point. You see, people could easily view my hub out of its context and say how sometimes we have to tell that hurting truth for others' benefit. And yes, it would be a right thing to say---but I was not writing about those "eye-opening" moments.

Truth, when said in a proper manner, can do so much more than a bunch of white lies which would only sugar-coat an important issue.

However, again we come to the same point---generalizing in this topic doesn't help, so we have to view the use of white lies and truth-telling separately, and my hub was exploring only the use of white lies as important part of relating to others and to ourselves.

Val Karas (author) from Canada on March 13, 2017:

Ruby Jean---Isn't it funny how readily people will deny or question white lies they constantly use without even noticing it? We just don't like the word "lie", but so much of our being tactful and emotionally supportive is based on it.

Rachel L Alba from Every Day Cooking and Baking on March 13, 2017:

Val, I love that you love people and don't like to hurt feelings. I don't either. When I say my family, I mean my immediate family; my children and husband. I for the most part feel the way you do in not wanting to hurt feelings, especially if what I am asked is not that important. So what if the hair do isn't perfect!! It's not worth hurting feelings over.

Ruby Jean Richert from Southern Illinois on March 13, 2017:

I must admit that I agree with your philosophy. It would be a horrible world if we spoke our thought's out loud. Why hurt someone when we can just as easily say something nice. Interesting!

Val Karas (author) from Canada on March 12, 2017:

Rachel---Generalizing about people is not my cup of tea, but sometimes it may look like I mean "everybody" when I say "people". So, as long as you and your hubby got this nice "chemistry" going on without much white lying going on---more power to you.

I don't have a heart to tell people everything I see about them. If I did, trust me, I would have no friends, no family. And I am even claiming how I "always look for that best in them"---I must see all that "problematic" from my "peripheral vision", LOL.

I love people too much to be "perfectly honest" in my interacting. Being well familiar with the sub-science of hypnotism and suggestion, I admit, I may even catch myself messing a little with their minds---for their own sake, to calm them down, to uplift their spirits, to make them laugh.

I can't see people suffer without being urged inside to apply some white lies or a pep-talk. Sometimes, truth is like a "dull knife to dig out a bullet"---pep-talk and white lies are like a balsam that makes the "bullet" evaporate.

Rachel L Alba from Every Day Cooking and Baking on March 12, 2017:

Hi Val, I hate to tell you this, but my "dear hubby" is one of those who would tell me about my spare tire in the middle. He tells me just like it is and how he sees it. I have to tell you, I'm glad he does at times, because after looking at a new article of clothing, he sees things I don't and I'm glad in the end that he points them out. Of course, he does try to do it tactfully. My parents always told me, "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." So my family knows when I'm not saying anything, that it says a lot. lol

Val Karas (author) from Canada on March 12, 2017:

Bronwen---All of us do it all the time---by complimenting, by giving an emotional support to those stricken by sickness or misfortune, by encouraging those who have no confidence---and all those white lies are coming from a loving and caring heart.

The article goes a little further than that, much of our very self-image simply has to gravitate around those personal qualities that are usually less present than we like to ascribe to ourselves.

So, in my mind, white lies are a necessary and permissible part of a healthy relating to both others and to ourselves.

Being "perfectly honest" to others and to ourselves could be quite hurtful.

Thank you for the nice comment, Bronwen.

Bronwen Scott-Branagan from Victoria, Australia on March 12, 2017:

An interesting read. It brings up the question: Is a white lie ever permissible? In what circumstances?

Val Karas (author) from Canada on March 12, 2017:

DreamerMeg---I am happy when my readers are on the same page with me, because sometimes I do write this stuff that naturally comes "easy to object".

Yes, if we could symbolize everything with that "spare tire", it's a nonsense to spoil the fun by going too "realistic", and by also voicing it. At this age of 72, I still buy my wife flowers for no occasion at all. In my loving heart her age doesn't matter. Like I said in my article---we create our reality, it's not that life dumps on us a raw realism to deal with, which would make us something like biological robots. Life is so much more than the "facts" of it.

DreamerMeg from Northern Ireland on March 12, 2017:

Interesting and very funny. The areas in which we tell white lies are opinions, not the evaluation of hard facts like driving ability. And because they are OUR opinions, sometimes we concentrate on unimportant things like a spare tire. If that new dress makes your wife feel good about herself, why should a spare tire detract from that? It may mean that you are so used to seeing all the good points about your wife that you miss them in the normal day to day life and only see those items, like the spare tire, that are normally hidden.

It's that area of opinions and what is important to you or to me or to everyone where white lies are often used (IMHO) and it's vitally necessary there because your truth and mine may not coincide.

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