Peter is a husband, father, lawyer, part-time blogger, and hubber.
When I talk about back scratching, I do not mean the exchange of political or business favors. I am referring to the actual application of fingernail to flesh: the time-honored, if somewhat primitive, tradition of the male back scratch. Few activities are as personal, fewer are as enjoyable, and fewer still are as hard to get just right.
4 Ways to Scratch a Man's Back
- The two-handed back scratch
- The slow, smooth stroke
- Ween him off his chronic itch
- Scratch 'til it hurts
Below are a few helpful hints for properly scratching a man's back. Every woman with a husband, brother, father, son, or boyfriend has heard, "Scratch my back." I am convinced that someday soon, while searching for the human genes that cause disease, defect, or deformity, geneticists will stumble upon the male gene for back itchiness. Until that day, we are left to our own devices for the problem's identification and cure. Here are a few of the common problems I have identified and the solutions for each.
1. The Two-Handed Back Scratch
- Problem: The Elusive Itch. "A little to the left. No, my left. A little more. A little more. Oh, down a little. Ooh, right there. No, to the right. No, no, up a little bit..." Sound familiar? The elusive itch has plagued mankind for as long as womankind has been scratching mankind's back, and it is as frustrating for the scratched as the scratcher. Not to worry, the elusive itch will elude no more.
- Solution: The Two-Handed Attack. If you sense an elusive itch approaching (meaning you hear, "A little to the..."), flank the enemy on either side and trap it in the middle. Scratch with one hand to the right, one hand to the left and slowly move inward until the itch cannot escape. This maneuver works equally well with itches that evade upward or downward.
2. The Slow, Smooth Stroke
- Problem: The Instant Itch. The instant itch is a surprise attack. Your red-striped male is going about his manly business hunting for food or playing with power tools when he is immediately rendered helpless by the attack of the instant itch. You know the instant itch by sight rather than sound. You see your manly man convulse and contort into the most unlikely of positions reaching desperately with one or both hands for that most unreachable of spots on his back. Neither the bow, arrow, bayonet, hammer, saw or drill which he is wielding is effective in locating the exact spot under attack. No, only the fine stroke of the female fingernail can thwart the attack and prevent a trip to the ER.
- Solution: The Slow, Smooth Stroke. You must resist the urge to respond to the instant itch in kind. If you do, the instant itch will transform into the elusive itch in no time, and that means trouble. Similarly, avoid responding to the violent seizing with violent scratching, you will only cause pain, itching, and painful itching. Your scratch should be a cool breeze on a blistering summer day, not a bucket of cold water. And don't begin by scratching the itch directly, no matter how much he begs (remember, you don't want it to elude). Scratch slowly and smoothly around the point of attack and work your way toward ground zero. This approach will catch the itch off guard, and give you just enough time to put out the fire.
3. Ween Him Off His Chronic Itch
- Problem: The Chronic Itch. If your man requires a back scratching the first thing in the morning, right after a shower, after work, after meals, before meals, during meals, while watching television, and again before bedtime, your problem is the chronic itch, which is really no itch at all, but rather addiction to the scratch.
- Solution: Ween Him Off. If the itch truly is chronic, perhaps your afflicted male only needs a dollop of body lotion. If, on the other hand, the need is scratch-based rather than itch-based, you will need to ween your scratchee off the scratching. Slowly cut back from 10x a day to nine, then eight, seven, and so on. Also, trim your time from 30 minutes to 25, then 20, etc. Quitting cold turkey is not optional, you won't want to suffer through the withdrawal symptoms. Nor should you quit altogether, that's just cruel. Once or twice a day, a few minutes per scratch is sufficient.
4. Scratch 'Til It Hurts
- Problem: The Acute Itch is Distinguishable from the instant itch, in that the acute itch has a discernible cause, insect bites, exposure to itch-causing elements, diseases, and the like. The acute itch is perhaps the most legitimate of all itches, but the most controversial. To scratch or not to scratch?
- Solution: Scratch 'Til It Hurts. Parents, grandparents, and other equally qualified medical experts adamantly oppose scratching acute itches, but I couldn't disagree more. My primary concern is neither medical nor cosmetic, it is purely to teach the scratcher how to satisfy the needs of the scratched. Therefore, scratch long and hard. Until it hurts. Draw blood if necessary. When that particular spot starts to burn and hurt it will stop itching.
Best Fun Back Scratchers
Funny Basswood Cat Back Scratcher
DCI Back Scratcher Telescoping
Back Rake Oak and Walnut
Rivers Edge Products Ebytendable Bear Paw Back Scratcher
Bear Claw Telescopic Back Scratcher
BambooMN Brand – Bamboo Backscratcher
Back Scratching Tips
Now that you know how to identify and solve the most common back scratching problems, you can expect your scratcher-scratched relationship to improve dramatically. However, if you really want to send your relationship into the stratosphere and ensure your scratchee's back will never stray beyond the tips of your fingers, try these tips:
- Volunteer a Scratch: Yes, I know you may already be scratching a back every waking minute, but occasionally, once in a while, every so often, volunteer a scratch. No questions, no words, just scratch. If you know that you scratch for 15 minutes every night at 10:30 on the dot, why not volunteer a scratch at 9:45, you might even get away with a 5-minute scratch rather than a 15-minute scratch. Try it. He will love it.
- Scratch with Love: A loving, tender, thorough once-over will give you a greater return on your investment than a lengthy, hard, reluctant scratch. It just feels better.
- Make it Win-Win: Trade a back scratch for a manicure. It's not, "You scratch my back, and I'll scratch yours." Not exactly. It's, "I'll scratch your back, you pay for my manicure." Women like manicures, men like back scratches, and back scratches are better with manicured nails. Win-win.
- Go Above and Beyond: Try scratching his neck and the back of his head...try it while he's driving or watching the game. It will drive him nuts. It is even a little better than a good back scratching, and the favor will be rewarded.
- Scratch Him to Sleep: Again, this is a win-win opportunity. Delay a routine back scratching until bedtime and softly scratch him to sleep. She scratches, she scores!!! You will score points, big time!
Go Forth and Scratch
You are now without excuse. It's time to go and scratch.
Do you have other tips or tricks of the back scratching trade? If so, please share in the comment section below.
Jack on June 29, 2020:
Cocunuty I will scratch your back foerever but I am a guy is that ok
E on January 29, 2020:
4th one is the best one
Ted Dentay on February 27, 2019:
Me/moi? I think that folks who have congenital back itches are the most sensuous people in the world.
Remember that word: C-O-N-G-E-N-I-T-A-L.
DREAM ON on January 19, 2018:
Your hub caught my attention and I have to admit it is true. There is something about a good back scratching even after the itch is long gone. My wife's nails they are sharp and do wonders. I love my head scratched too. I think I can speak for the both of us. You never know what you will find. A simple back scratching goes along way.
J on March 27, 2016:
Ms. New York it would depend on skill level for sure... Just nothing quite like it, makes an amazing sound , nails on skin, esp when they're extremely long & NATURAL! I like them square & sharp , not just the back though the whole body! It's unbelievable to say the least
Patria Zuleikah Walker on December 14, 2013:
Zachariah happens to be a 5-year-old preschooler.
Patria Zuleikah Walker on November 09, 2013:
Son: "Mommy, can I have a back scratch?"
Mother: "Sure thing, Zachariah."
The mother starts scratching her son's back. The boy closes his eyes.
Son: "Thanks, mommy."
Mom: "You're welcome, Zachary."
Son: "I love you, mommy."
Mom: "I love you, too, Zach."
Crazy Cody on November 08, 2013:
Perhaps have them go to the arms and chest area. Both can feel the sensation just as easily as the back. I was with a girl who scratched my arms and back all the time and LOVED every second of it...she didn't though. :-(
Tracy on November 04, 2012:
My Name is tracy.I will love to share my testimony to all the people
in the forum cos i never thought i will have my girlfriend back and
she means so much to me..The girl i want to get marry to left me 4
weeks to our weeding for another man..,When i called her she never
picked my calls,She deleted me on her facebook and she changed her
facebook status from married to Single...when i went to
her place of work she told her boss she never want to see me..i lost
my job as a result of this cos i cant get myself anymore,my life was
upside down and everything did not go smooth with my life...I tried
all i could do to have her back to all did not work out until i met a
Man when i Travel to Africa to execute some business have been
developing some years back..I told him my problem and all have passed
through in getting her back and how i lost my job...he told me he
gonna help me...i don't believe that in the first place.but he swore
he will help me out and he told me the reason why my girlfriend left
me and also told me some hidden secrets.i was amazed when i heard that
from him..he said he will cast a spell for me and i will see the
results in the next couple of days..then i travel back to US the
following day and i called him when i got home and he said he's busy
casting those spells and he has bought all the materials needed for
the spells,he said am gonna see positive results in the next 2 days
that is Thursday...My girlfriend called me at exactly 12:35pm on
Thursday and apologies for all she had done ..she said,she never knew
what she's doing and her sudden behavior was not intentional and she
promised not to do that again.it was like am dreaming when i heard
that from her and when we ended the call,i called the man and told him
my wife called and he said i haven't seen anything yet... he said i
will also get my job back in 3 days time..and when its Sunday,they
called me at my place of work that i should resume working on Monday
and they gonna compensate me for the time limit have spent at home
without working..My life is back into shape,i have my girlfriend back
and we are happily married now with kids and i have my job back
too.This man is really powerful..if we have up to 20 people like him
in the world,the world would have been a better place..he has also
helped many of my friends to solve many problems and they are all
happy now..Am posting this to the forum for anybody that is interested
in meeting the man for help.you can mail him on this e-mail
email@example.com i cant give out his number cos he told me
he don't want to be disturbed by many people across the world..he said
his email is okay and he' will replied to any emails asap..hope he
helped u out too..good luck firstname.lastname@example.org
mike on July 13, 2012:
I and my wife are now back in colorado living as husband and wife and our two 2 sons and everything is going great... We are now in love with each other and have been together for 3 weeks now without any disput. email@example.com is a mighty spiritual helper when it comes to breakup problems, he can bring lovers back within a twinkle of an eye
tanya-scratch on January 17, 2012:
How you said about scratching them when their driving or watchin a game, i do that to my hubby when hes playing his piano. I married a mucisen and i love to sneak up behind him, start to gently scratch his back and watch his hands freeze as he moans and then leans back into my hand to get more.
liliax on January 16, 2012:
My boyfriend loves when i scratch his back, he never needs to ask me, im always up for volunteering it for him. Ive put him to sleep before. But i love to jave my back scratched too but i have to let him know i want it.
mr.siggie on December 22, 2011:
loved the article. yes, i would pay for an hour long back-scratching!
phoebe on September 10, 2011:
i like it to be scratched.... hmmmmmm ..relaxing...
Michele on August 02, 2011:
I absolutely love, love, love scratching a man's back!
sasay on July 26, 2011:
I am soooooooooooooo itchy!!!!!!!!!!!!
ilovebackscratches on July 20, 2011:
women love back scratches too!!!
belatico on July 09, 2011:
Thanks for a great posting. Id like to ad that men really can't scratch themselves. A womans nails are usually so much sharper than a mans. Any woman that wants to sink her claws into a mans heart is well advised to use her sharpened nails and go via the back. M
El Scratchee on July 08, 2011:
When the scratcher is not present, I often use a sharp metal spatula. I pull it straight out of the drawer, use it liberally, then put it straight back - I don't bother to wash it. I even boast of this to her!
jeff on June 16, 2011:
yes pamela, most women certainly need "instructions" on the art of back scratching. it seems like an easy and mindless thing to do but soooooooo many women not only need instructions, but imo it's like pulling teeth to even get them to do it at all. they say there's no such thing as a bad orgasm and the same applies to back scratching. one is better than none.
Pamela N Red from Oklahoma on February 16, 2011:
lol I had no idea women needed instructions. My husband seems happy with my skills, he never complains.
poojabrahmi on January 21, 2011:
Even in my wildest thought I couldn't have chosen this topic "How to Scratch a Man's Back"
The most Amazing part is the way you have made this topic worth a read. What an expression of thought.
Titan1325435 on October 27, 2010:
I wouldn't object to scraching ANYBODY'S back if you ask me. i just sorta feel weird inside when i do it, but i don't mind. :)
jaokguy on October 23, 2010:
boy, what a great article. so many women just don't realize how much men really love a back scratch. it's something so small, easy, free, loving, and caring to do for a guy but many women, imo, think it's a drag to do. i mean it's like pulling teeth for something so appreciated and easy to do. it takes no time at all, and u know your guy loves it . it's not like we're asking for a 1 hour massage. so many gals just hate to make time for it. maybe it's just my experience, at least i hope so. a guy really gets put off if their gal doesn't take the time to do that one little thing. guys see it as something so small to do for a person that if a gal won't do that simple little thing they see her as very uncaring, unaffectionate, and as a sign of not being loved. it may sound funny to some, but it's true. i especially love the part of the article about volunteering a scratch. that would like blow my mind if it happened. does that really happen to guys? oh, well happy scratching to all.
Karen N from United States on August 19, 2010:
Lol, very cute article.
isjiskkl on July 08, 2010:
Peter Will YOU SCRATCJ MY BACK?
de on June 30, 2010:
samara on June 25, 2010:
itchy on June 15, 2010:
little to the left litte up whoa am I typeing this sorry not you peter I ment my wife to do that she was scratching my back and I got dosed off in sending this coment. any hoo I often have the instant itch
coconuty on June 15, 2010:
hello if any of you are female and willing to scratch my back i'd be more than happy pay you. im itchy itchy itchy and extra rich.
Martin on May 30, 2010:
Dear Mr Lopez,
I am a male adddicted to getting my back scratched. Actaully I found this artcile as I am trying to find if there are any groups with the same condition.
I feel an enormous amount of pleasure when someone scratches my back to the point that I get absolutely relaxed and I can fall asleep. I am on the other hand addicted and I ask my wife to scracth my wife al the time. I could spend 24 hours getting my back scratched if I found someone to do it.
I am allergic and nornmally my skin itches easily (for instance when I sweat) I wonder if there is aconnection here.
Do you know if this "condition" is common?
Riv on August 29, 2009:
hahahahahahahaha i dont know if this is a serious article or you made it up but is good and funny,
Gregory on August 27, 2009:
ms.newyork, the answer is NO!!! The article is fun and insightful. Back-scratching greatest satisfaction comes from its personal connection. Putting a tag to it may cause curiosity but will deprive it of the personal touch.
ms.newyork from MIDWEST-USA on May 03, 2009:
Here's my question; Would any of you men pay for a good back-scratching? My hubby has me seriously considering this as a 'job'. Please be honest, thanks!
lbozo on April 17, 2009:
Reciprocal back scraching at night. My wife and I call it safe sex. i.e., it's almost as good as an orgasm.
Punishment1977 on November 03, 2008:
Great story on the lost art of back scratching. I love my "live in" scratcher...wife, Tracy dearly. But when she is not around, I use one of my wooden back scratchers. I shop at backscratcherworld.com. Lots of different types...nothing compares to Tracy's wonderful scratches...but these come close! :)
Peter M. Lopez (author) from Sweetwater, TX on August 12, 2008:
Thanks. I appreciate that.
Peter M. Lopez (author) from Sweetwater, TX on July 22, 2008:
Scratch, scratch, scratch.
msms on July 20, 2008:
Let us scratch each others back...
Peter M. Lopez (author) from Sweetwater, TX on July 16, 2008:
Well, as long as she's developed into a wonderful back scratcher, if not, you are welcome to print it off for her. Thanks, samscc. I appreciate you reading.
samssc on July 15, 2008:
Do you have a sister?
Just kidding, I'm married to a wonderful back scratcher. Too bad she didn't have this info back in the beginning of our relationship.
Peter M. Lopez (author) from Sweetwater, TX on July 09, 2008:
Thank you very much, flutterbug77. I appreciate that.
flutterbug77 from USA on July 07, 2008:
Congratulations on your new baby!
Peter M. Lopez (author) from Sweetwater, TX on June 25, 2008:
You are very welcome. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Michelle Simtoco from Cebu, Philippines on June 25, 2008:
Scratch me. Scratch me. No Peter not you. My friend who is sitting beside me. LOL thanks for an interesting, funny hub.
Peter M. Lopez (author) from Sweetwater, TX on June 20, 2008:
Thank you, Om Paramapoonya. I'm so glad you enjoyed it. I think we all need to express a little silliness sometime.
Om Paramapoonya on June 19, 2008:
lol You made a silly topic like back scratching sooooooo enjoyable to read! You are a genius. Thumbs up =D
Peter M. Lopez (author) from Sweetwater, TX on June 19, 2008:
I know. The more I wrote, the itchier I got.
Stephanie Marshall from Bend, Oregon on June 19, 2008:
I'm feeling itchy
Peter M. Lopez (author) from Sweetwater, TX on June 19, 2008:
Thanks, Ananta65. I appreciate you reading...and smiling.
Peter M. Lopez (author) from Sweetwater, TX on June 19, 2008:
lady luck, yes, you most certainly can. A literal, "You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours."
Peter M. Lopez (author) from Sweetwater, TX on June 19, 2008:
cvaughn570, thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Ananta65 on June 19, 2008:
Great hub! It definitely put a smile on my face.
O, and Lady Luck? No problem ;)
lady luck from Boston on June 18, 2008:
OORRR YOU CAN TELL THAT MAN TO SCRATCH YOUR BACK FIRST.
cvaughn570 on June 18, 2008:
This is a very well put together hub.
You made me smile :-)